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This program me contains strong
language and adult humour
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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Tonight on 8 Out Of 10
Cats Does Countdown...
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Jon Richardson,
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Roisin Conaty,
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Nabil Abdulrashid,
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Joe Wilkinson,
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David O'Doherty,
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Susie Dent,
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Rachel Riley.
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Your host, jimmy Carr!
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Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of
10 Cats Does Countdown —
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the show about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
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It's the perfect show for anyone
who's ever watched their granny do
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a crossword puzzle and thought,
"This would make great TV!"
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OK, let's meet tonight's players.
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First up, it's team captain
jon Richardson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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jon might look and sound
like an old man,
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but he's actually just a
big kid —
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a big boring, whiny, dull kid.
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And Jon's team-mate this evening —
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Nabil Abdulrashid.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Nabil's dad was a doctor,
his mother was a politician,
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and he went to private school,
before going on to study drama
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at university, where he graduated
with two very disappointed parents.
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Up against them this evening, it's
guest team captain Roisin Conaty.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Roisin Conaty — she's like Rachel
Riley if Rachel had bunked off
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every single maths lesson
to drink strong cider in the park.
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He said I'm like Rachel Riley!
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And joining Roisin,
it's joe Wilkinson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Fun fact — if you shaved his hair
off and stripped him naked
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you'd discover joe is actually
a colony of filthy mice
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all standing on
each other's shoulders.
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Try it.
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Do you think Joe's going to be
a good team-mate this evening?
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Well, we went shop-lifting
before we got here,
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so we've got some bras,
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sausage rolls and light bulbs.
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I'm trying to think of a store where
they would have all of those things.
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I don't know —
Joe led me in blindfolded.
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I spun her and let her loose.
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A hell of a morning that was. just
sobered up now. Like a trolley dash.
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Were you not tempted
to put that top back,
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once you'd sobered up and saw it?
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Who doesn't like psychedelic chess?
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You complimented it
about half an hour ago.
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The telly's on and you
start to go against me!
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Do not get into entertainment —
they're backstabbers!
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Nabil, first time on the show,
great to have you here.
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Now, you went to school in Nigeria —
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is that going to help you
this evening?
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Well, I mean, I was born in London
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but my parents had
me moved back to Nigeria
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to make sure I learned
to speak English properly.
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You know, but the thing is, I went
to an international private school
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which meant that in Nigeria,
in the heart of Africa,
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in my class
I was the only black kid.
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Which is nuts cos I moved to London
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and there was only one white kid in
my class
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and it's kind of sad
he's not here any more
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because of Brexit so, you know.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Er, jon. Hello.
I've got a question for you —
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you ever thought about getting
a tattoo? What would you get?
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I do think about it,
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but its more of a sort
of intrusive thought.
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I think about it in the same way
that I imagine every now and again
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David Attenborough thinks,
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"I wonder what would happen
if I punched that Gorilla."
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He must think it every now and
again. "I could end this now."
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But, you know, I tend to regret
the cardigan I choose.
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So I don't really think
tattoos are for me.
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I can see you getting a sort of
practical tattoo, though,
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like a Boots loyalty card or
something there to, like, "Bloop!"
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I've got 47 quid on my Co—Op card.
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The Co—Op's incredible.
I don't care what you say,
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I think it might be the best
store in the world. Yeah.
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Because you buy a pint of milk,
you can buy cigarettes,
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you can buy bread,
AND they'll bury your nan.
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That's an incredible
array of products.
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I bet there are people that'll
do that for you in Lidl.
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You've just got to
know the right guy.
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But only two feet.
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You can see her when it rains.
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All right, joe, has anything
annoyed you recently?
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You don't see as many
streakers as you used to.
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No. Which is a shame, you know —
we're a dying breed.
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People always say to me,
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"Joe, why do you feel the need
to take all your clothes off
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"at a major sporting event?"
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I always say, "Well, officer...
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LAUGHTER
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..."until you've run across
Doncaster dog track...
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..."with just a Wallace and
Gromit sock on your penis...
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..."in my opinion, I don't think
you've lived."
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OK. yon, have you got a mascot'?
What have you brought'?
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Yeah, I have.
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It struck me that greetings
cards is a really big market
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because stuff happens
all the time, doesn't it?
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And you just buy someone a bit of
paper cos you can't be arsed
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to think of anything thoughtful.
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It's all like, "Oh, I love you."
That's the secret message, innit?
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"I thought about you."
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Sometimes thoughts are evil and it's
nice to recognise that, as well.
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I'm listening, this sounds great.
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Here's an occasion I think is
something worth celebrating
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that we never mark as a society.
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"I'm glad you failed your
driving test."
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Excellent, yeah.
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When somebody I know to be
incompetent
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fails their driving test,
I think the system is working.
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Seven goes at your theory test —
that was the clue.
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If you can't drive in your mind,
don't get in a fucking car!
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Has anyone here ever failed their
driving test?
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Pash failed a couple of weeks ago.
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Aww. Do you want a card?
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Err, sold on that one.
Brilliant. OK, what else we got?
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But then I thought, well,
let's monetise this show —
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it's mad that we don't have
Countdown-specific greetings cards.
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Madness. So, I've got one with
Rachel there.
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It says you "UR A TWA"
and inside it just says...
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You again, Rachel.
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Er, and the last one,
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there's a picture of Joe there,
look, and it just says...
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Imagine that.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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jon Richardson, excellent mascot.
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Nab“, have you got a mascot'?
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Well, I've got two daughters —
sorry, mate.
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I've got two daughters.
I've got a card for you.
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What I did is I brought
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my older daughter's first-ever
afro comb, right?
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ROISIN: Aww!
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My daughters are my pride and joy,
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and their hair is
their pride and joy,
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but also, you know, my wife
doesn't look much like me —
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she's not a 6'1",
300lb Nigerian man.
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She's a 5'0" Pakistani
woman in a hijab.
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Now, when our older daughter
was two she had a massive afro,
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so it was weird when they walked out together
cos they didn't look like mother and child.
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They looked like the front page
of a really cool feminist magazine
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or like the EDLs worst
nightmare, you know?
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My wife kind of a looked like a
halal au pair sort of thing.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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And so, I used to play
pranks with my wife,
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like I would whisper to my daughter,
and they would go out
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and then my daughter would
just run and scream,
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"Help! She's not my mum!"
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And then you'd have all these
confused middle-class white people
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not sure what to do — like,
"What's less racist?
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"Do we grab the hijabi
or the afro baby?!"
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I'm almost divorced now.
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But, yeah, this means a lot to me.
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I like it.
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Would you like to use it?
It stimulates growth.
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I'll have one.
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Roisin, you got a mascot?
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Yes, I do have a mascot.
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So, basically,
I did a lot of reading on...
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Cos I feel like sometimes I don't
concentrate enough on the show,
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I feel like my attention span moves.
jON LAUGHS
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Why are you laughing?!
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And so, one of the things I read
that improves your concentration
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is if you really, you really, really,
really hold your pee for a long time.
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So that was my plan,
and so I have brought in...
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...my lucky puppy training mat.
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That's a urine-soaked rag.
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It's sort of part motivational
when I look down
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and also, I haven't been able
to hold it, really,
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so it's a piss rag.
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We'll see if it'll work.
joe, you got a mascot?
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You bet your arse I have.
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I love to vape.
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It looks cool, and chicks dig it.
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But...
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...I'm kind of fed up with
smelling like summer fruits.
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So I've designed a new vape that
will help people give up vaping.
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So, Fabio, can you bring on
the new vape, please?
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I mean, who's going to suck
on that in a Costa Coffee?
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Bad for your back. Erm...
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But I know what you're
thinking, jimmy —
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what happens when I give up?
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You're not going to want to
get rid of that, are you?
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So, this vape comes with
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a LOVELY little feature.
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Jon, if you wouldn't mind trying out
the vape for me.
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If you want to pop yourself up.
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If you could stand
directly in front...
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Oh, we're making a meme!
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Oh, God.
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"Remember that time jon Richardson
sucked someone off on the show?"
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"Yeah!"
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If you wouldn't mind gently tapping
the end — grab the shaft.
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Ohhh!
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00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,948
There we go, there we go — whey!
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Bubbles come out of his Aris!
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Tap away, Jon — it's yours to keep.
It just keeps going!
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You don't suck that, though, surely.
Yeah, it's a real vape.
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00:10:43,723 --> 00:10:47,109
The best way to do it is, Jon,
put both hands on buttocks...
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...and then drag it towards you.
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You...
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You show me, you show me.
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00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:57,259
Oh, I can't cos of Covid.
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Joe Wilkinson, everyone,
and his excellent vape.
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00:11:02,893 --> 00:11:04,149
Ah, look at that!
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APPLAUSE
Yeah, that was... Oh, yeah.
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OK. Over in Dictionary Corner,
it's David O'Doherty!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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00:11:18,414 --> 00:11:20,868
David once tucked his trousers
into his socks
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00:11:20,893 --> 00:11:22,589
so that he could shit himself.
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Oh, God!
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Which — fun fact — is also known
as an Irish Portaloo.
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I tell you what I like about that —
true story!
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Yeah, it is a true story, because...
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...it was the night that marriage
equality was voted in in Ireland,
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00:11:43,134 --> 00:11:46,419
and I'd gone to a party,
I hadn't eaten.
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Cos I'd been working
on the campaign,
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it was quite a release
and then I drank a...
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I'll say! ..a whole bottle of white
wine, and then I needed some food
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and all there was was
protein-shake stuff,
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so I put that in another glass,
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and I just added more white wine
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00:12:02,574 --> 00:12:05,979
and I drank it and then
I began to walk home,
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that turned into a run
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and then I tucked
my trousers into my socks,
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filled my pants with poo-poo,
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00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:15,748
and then met every person
I know in the world...
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00:12:17,723 --> 00:12:19,519
...and had to embrace them.
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So it was a great day for Ireland
and for David O'Doherty.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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I shat myself at
a busy cash machine once.
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Yeah. The card went in...
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...there was an ungodly noise...
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I dropped, but still managed
to get the PIN in...
239
00:12:44,903 --> 00:12:47,878
...take out my 40 quid.
And then, like all good gentlemen,
240
00:12:47,903 --> 00:12:49,748
I apologised to everyone
in the queue.
241
00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:54,669
Had you eaten some sort of
white-wine smoothie protein shake?
242
00:12:54,694 --> 00:12:57,748
No, I'd had warm pineapple juice.
243
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,589
Oh, that'll clear you out.
244
00:13:02,614 --> 00:13:05,439
I'd left a pineapple juice
on the side in the sun,
245
00:13:05,464 --> 00:13:07,878
and I thought,
246
00:13:09,853 --> 00:13:12,698
And it came out of me
in under 15 minutes.
247
00:13:15,014 --> 00:13:19,389
That is a digestive transit.
That is incredible, really.
248
00:13:19,414 --> 00:13:21,698
And with David, of course,
its Susie Dent.
249
00:13:21,723 --> 00:13:23,139
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
250
00:13:25,574 --> 00:13:27,469
Susie recently started
a new podcast,
251
00:13:27,494 --> 00:13:29,139
and he: first guest was
)on Richardson.
252
00:13:29,164 --> 00:13:30,698
For health and safety reasons
253
00:13:30,723 --> 00:13:33,349
I would ask that you don't listen
to it whilst driving.
254
00:13:35,804 --> 00:13:38,109
Well, you had jon as a guest
on your podcast. Yeah.
255
00:13:38,134 --> 00:13:39,349
What did you two talk about?
256
00:13:39,374 --> 00:13:41,669
We talked about wombat poo.
257
00:13:41,694 --> 00:13:44,498
You guys would have been fine,
because wombat poo is cube—shaped.
258
00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:46,139
JOE: I know that.
What? Yeah. Yeah.
259
00:13:46,164 --> 00:13:48,029
And then we talked about how
difficult it was
260
00:13:48,054 --> 00:13:50,109
to get white goods repaired.
261
00:13:50,134 --> 00:13:52,779
Did we? Yeah.
I don't remember that.
262
00:13:52,804 --> 00:13:56,239
Well, you probably nodded off —
it doesn't sound great.
263
00:13:56,264 --> 00:13:58,828
And in charge of the numbers,
its Rachel Riley.
264
00:13:58,853 --> 00:14:00,419
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
265
00:14:04,374 --> 00:14:06,989
Rachel has recently returned to
Countdown from maternity leave,
266
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,319
so she spent a year taking it easy
267
00:14:09,344 --> 00:14:11,779
and then she went
on maternity leave.
268
00:14:11,804 --> 00:14:13,469
Rachel, we know
you're good at numbers —
269
00:14:13,494 --> 00:14:15,269
what are some things
you're really bad at?
270
00:14:15,294 --> 00:14:17,628
The worse thing
for me is my singing.
271
00:14:17,653 --> 00:14:20,958
I once had a microphone
confiscated during karaoke.
272
00:14:20,983 --> 00:14:23,628
Can we get... Can we get a little...
No. No, no, but just...
273
00:14:23,653 --> 00:14:25,239
No, no. I've got a cot —
274
00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:27,599
when the baby was born I got
a cot that you press a button,
275
00:14:27,624 --> 00:14:30,429
and it listens for when she cries
and when she cries it kind of
276
00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:33,029
shushes her and it escalates
up four levels.
277
00:14:33,054 --> 00:14:35,349
And I was singing her
a lullaby once and it started
278
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,909
because it thought she was crying.
279
00:14:38,374 --> 00:14:39,909
Can we get a little bit of...?
No, no.
280
00:14:39,934 --> 00:14:42,269
No, but I wanna hear something.
I need to.
281
00:14:42,294 --> 00:14:44,748
No. You can't just say "I'm a bad
singer" and then just leave us...
282
00:14:44,773 --> 00:14:47,069
Can't you just...
You give her a feed line, Jimmy.
283
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:49,349
Duet! Duet? Duet! Duet!
284
00:14:49,374 --> 00:14:50,599
Well, I've got a beautiful voice.
285
00:14:50,624 --> 00:14:53,069
No, I don't believe
you've got a good voice. No way.
286
00:14:53,094 --> 00:14:56,319
What do you mean I haven't... Why are you
saying I don't have a good voice? No way.
287
00:14:56,344 --> 00:14:58,039
# Where it began
288
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,469
# I can't begin to know it... #
289
00:15:00,494 --> 00:15:02,039
Oh, you sing like a wanker!
290
00:15:05,454 --> 00:15:08,859
You came in so fast, like you'd
been waiting all night.
291
00:15:10,214 --> 00:15:12,748
You went... # |—| can si—I—ing. #
292
00:15:14,064 --> 00:15:15,958
Do another one!
All right — name a tune,
293
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:18,319
I'm trying to think of a song
I know all the way through.
294
00:15:18,344 --> 00:15:21,039
Moon River! Moon River, yeah.
Come on, do Moon River, ya tosser!
295
00:15:25,773 --> 00:15:28,628
I'll do it randomly
at some point during the show.
296
00:15:28,653 --> 00:15:32,109
We're not moving on until... We're
not moving on until we get Moon River!
297
00:15:35,174 --> 00:15:38,989
If I don't look at them, I think I
can do it. He's about to do it!
298
00:15:39,014 --> 00:15:42,349
Come on, you can do it.
We believe in you.
299
00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:43,628
I can't.
300
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:47,679
Yeah, but you've got to just...
just go for it. OK.
301
00:15:47,704 --> 00:15:49,349
Huhhh!
302
00:15:50,603 --> 00:15:52,269
Well, that's not helping!
303
00:15:52,294 --> 00:15:54,189
Don't look, I think we've
got a real shot at this.
304
00:15:58,603 --> 00:16:02,149
You've got to come in quick,
I can't hold it for that long!
305
00:16:02,174 --> 00:16:05,508
I came in too quick last time
and I was ridiculed.
306
00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:07,828
It's when you look
romantically down the camera
307
00:16:07,853 --> 00:16:09,319
like you're sat on a stool.
308
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:14,219
OK, I'm going to randomly sing
Moon River at some point instead.
309
00:16:14,244 --> 00:16:17,789
But now — the prize the teams will
be competing for tonight is this —
310
00:16:17,814 --> 00:16:19,758
the Countdown wheelie trainers!
311
00:16:19,783 --> 00:16:21,628
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
312
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:32,269
Wow, this is good.
313
00:16:37,094 --> 00:16:38,578
Oh, God, he's off!
314
00:16:44,783 --> 00:16:46,479
Good luck getting those off him.
315
00:16:47,934 --> 00:16:50,269
What size is Fabio? I want them.
What size is Fabio?
316
00:16:50,294 --> 00:16:51,989
It's about seven inches on the
slack.
317
00:16:52,014 --> 00:16:55,758
"He's about seven inches
on the slack."
318
00:16:55,783 --> 00:16:58,039
# Moon... #
LAUGHTER
319
00:16:59,814 --> 00:17:02,189
# Wider than a mile... #
320
00:17:03,374 --> 00:17:06,039
We haven't even started
playing Countdown yet!
321
00:17:06,064 --> 00:17:08,349
"He fucking pulled out
and there was shit all over it."
322
00:17:08,374 --> 00:17:10,349
# Come fly with me... #
323
00:17:15,454 --> 00:17:18,039
He really wants to sing!
324
00:17:18,064 --> 00:17:20,479
He wants to be taken seriously!
325
00:17:21,934 --> 00:17:24,588
He's sat watching the Alexander
Armstrong adverts at Christmas.
326
00:17:24,613 --> 00:17:25,789
"It could a been me!"
327
00:17:27,684 --> 00:17:29,349
Let's Countdown.
328
00:17:29,374 --> 00:17:32,069
# Mo... # Perfect time to sing.
329
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,508
Why? I know, I talked over it.
330
00:17:34,533 --> 00:17:36,789
It sounded like he was
going to be sick. "Urgh..."
331
00:17:39,814 --> 00:17:41,789
I just want to get
to judges' Houses,
332
00:17:41,814 --> 00:17:44,989
I don't even care about winning.
333
00:17:45,014 --> 00:17:47,429
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
334
00:17:47,454 --> 00:17:49,269
Jon, Nabil, your turn to
choose the letters.
335
00:17:49,294 --> 00:17:50,659
Consonant.
336
00:17:50,684 --> 00:17:51,869
Thank you, Nab“.
337
00:17:51,894 --> 00:17:53,119
P
338
00:17:53,144 --> 00:17:54,869
Er... Vowel.
339
00:17:54,894 --> 00:17:55,909
A
340
00:17:55,934 --> 00:17:56,949
Consonant.
341
00:17:56,974 --> 00:17:57,989
T
342
00:17:58,014 --> 00:17:59,039
Consonant.
343
00:17:59,064 --> 00:18:00,069
F
344
00:18:00,094 --> 00:18:01,119
Vowel.
345
00:18:01,144 --> 00:18:02,149
I
346
00:18:02,174 --> 00:18:03,199
Consonant.
347
00:18:03,224 --> 00:18:04,229
IVI
348
00:18:04,254 --> 00:18:05,269
Consonant.
349
00:18:05,294 --> 00:18:06,309
L
350
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:07,349
Vowel.
351
00:18:07,374 --> 00:18:08,399
U
352
00:18:08,424 --> 00:18:09,479
Consonant, please.
353
00:18:09,504 --> 00:18:10,758
And the last one...
354
00:18:10,783 --> 00:18:11,989
I\I
355
00:18:12,014 --> 00:18:13,838
OK, your time starts now.
356
00:18:43,974 --> 00:18:46,229
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
357
00:18:51,944 --> 00:18:54,628
jon, how many? Just a three.
358
00:18:54,653 --> 00:18:58,279
And Nabil? I think I might have
a seven unless I'm imagining.
359
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,429
Go on'. Go on, Nab“!
360
00:18:59,454 --> 00:19:01,378
A very risky seven.
Roisin, how many you got?
361
00:19:01,403 --> 00:19:03,349
Four. OK, joe?
362
00:19:03,374 --> 00:19:04,789
A risky eight.
363
00:19:06,094 --> 00:19:08,559
OK, jon, what's your three?
364
00:19:08,584 --> 00:19:10,479
Well, I'm not sure
how you pronounce it,
365
00:19:10,504 --> 00:19:12,279
but it's M—U—N.
366
00:19:16,144 --> 00:19:17,479
# Moo... #
367
00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:19,479
No.
368
00:19:19,504 --> 00:19:21,708
That sounded like a grumpy cow!
369
00:19:22,974 --> 00:19:25,229
# Moo! #
370
00:19:25,254 --> 00:19:27,789
OK, Roisin, your four?
371
00:19:27,814 --> 00:19:29,229
LUMP
372
00:19:32,944 --> 00:19:34,149
Nice.
373
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,508
Nab“, your seven'?
374
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:37,199
FATLUMP
375
00:19:37,224 --> 00:19:39,029
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
376
00:19:43,334 --> 00:19:45,588
JOE, your eight?
377
00:19:45,613 --> 00:19:46,999
It's risky — NAP.
378
00:19:47,024 --> 00:19:48,789
— For eight?
— Oh, yeah —
379
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:51,069
yeah, that's why it's risky —
I don't think it's eight.
380
00:19:54,334 --> 00:19:56,279
OK, so this is a bit of a turn up,
381
00:19:56,304 --> 00:19:58,588
because the only person
with points in that round,
382
00:19:58,613 --> 00:20:01,029
Roisin Conaty — four points.
383
00:20:01,054 --> 00:20:02,749
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
384
00:20:05,384 --> 00:20:07,279
PLATINUM was up there,
as well, wasn't it?
385
00:20:07,304 --> 00:20:09,588
Oh, James! Yeah, PLATINUM for eight.
386
00:20:09,613 --> 00:20:11,919
— Is that yours, jimmy?
— Bloody hell, that's a long word.
387
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:13,199
No, she just wrote it up there. Oh.
388
00:20:15,024 --> 00:20:16,869
OK, onto our first numbers round.
389
00:20:16,894 --> 00:20:19,279
Joe, Roisin — your turn
to pick the numbers.
390
00:20:19,304 --> 00:20:22,309
Two from the top. Yes.
And the rest. The rest.
391
00:20:22,334 --> 00:20:23,949
El classico.
392
00:20:23,974 --> 00:20:26,588
Right, here we are.
Four little ones — we've got
393
00:20:26,613 --> 00:20:27,789
8, 6,
394
00:20:27,814 --> 00:20:29,199
7 and another 6,
395
00:20:29,224 --> 00:20:31,029
and the big ones — 100 and 50.
396
00:20:31,054 --> 00:20:33,029
Oh, yeah, I like those two —
they're the easiest.
397
00:20:33,054 --> 00:20:34,508
Glad it...pleases you.
398
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:37,149
Target — ooh, 981.
399
00:20:37,174 --> 00:20:39,508
It's too far away.
OK, your time starts now.
400
00:20:39,533 --> 00:20:41,069
It's too far away.
Seriously, it's too...
401
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:11,468
OK, so the target was 981.
402
00:21:11,493 --> 00:21:13,999
Joe, did you get it? Yeah.
403
00:21:14,024 --> 00:21:16,359
OK, great. Roisin,
did you get it? Yeah.
404
00:21:16,384 --> 00:21:19,199
Jon, did you get it?
Absolutely nowhere near.
405
00:21:19,224 --> 00:21:22,388
We might be lying, then.
OK, Nabil, did you get it? Almost.
406
00:21:22,413 --> 00:21:25,999
OK, so two people have told the
truth and two people have lied here,
407
00:21:26,024 --> 00:21:28,829
and I think I can see
what's happened. Roisin.
408
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,359
I haven't got it, Jimmy.
I think I have.
409
00:21:31,384 --> 00:21:33,669
OK, how did you do it?
410
00:21:33,694 --> 00:21:35,388
100+5OX6
411
00:21:35,413 --> 00:21:36,468
900
412
00:21:36,493 --> 00:21:37,559
Yeah. Ooh.
413
00:21:37,584 --> 00:21:39,109
+ 100
414
00:21:39,134 --> 00:21:40,388
You've already used the 100.
415
00:21:40,413 --> 00:21:41,468
6x8
416
00:21:41,493 --> 00:21:42,669
6x8
417
00:21:42,694 --> 00:21:43,799
4-8
418
00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:45,279
And, er...
419
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,718
948+7
420
00:21:46,743 --> 00:21:48,508
You've got 955 — and be grateful!
421
00:21:48,533 --> 00:21:50,199
Thanks.
422
00:21:50,224 --> 00:21:52,508
Yeah. Nabil, how close did you get?
423
00:21:52,533 --> 00:21:55,718
So, I didn't do the last bit,
so what I did was, err...
424
00:21:55,743 --> 00:21:57,468
7x100
425
00:21:57,493 --> 00:22:00,029
7x100 = 700
426
00:22:00,054 --> 00:22:02,309
+6x5O
427
00:22:02,334 --> 00:22:03,829
6X50=3OO
428
00:22:03,854 --> 00:22:05,079
Oh, hello.
429
00:22:05,104 --> 00:22:07,388
Yeah, so add 700 and 300 together.
430
00:22:07,413 --> 00:22:08,718
1,000.
431
00:22:08,743 --> 00:22:10,749
8x6
432
00:22:10,774 --> 00:22:12,359
8X6=48
433
00:22:12,384 --> 00:22:14,638
And subtract that from the 1,000.
434
00:22:14,663 --> 00:22:15,799
952.
435
00:22:15,824 --> 00:22:17,718
Why would you do that?
We got better.
436
00:22:17,743 --> 00:22:19,999
Could it be done, Rachel?
437
00:22:20,024 --> 00:22:21,508
I'm still trying to get it.
438
00:22:21,533 --> 00:22:22,718
No points for anyone —
439
00:22:22,743 --> 00:22:24,439
AND Rachel might be losing her job.
440
00:22:24,464 --> 00:22:26,189
Wheeey!
441
00:22:26,214 --> 00:22:28,189
So, far ym and Nab“
have no points,
442
00:22:28,214 --> 00:22:30,029
Roisin and joe have four points.
443
00:22:30,054 --> 00:22:31,829
Ha—ha, ha!
444
00:22:34,134 --> 00:22:35,279
And here is your teaser.
445
00:22:35,304 --> 00:22:37,999
The words are WIPED NIP,
the clue is — take a deep breath.
446
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:41,189
That's WIPED NIP, take a deep
breath. See you after the break.
447
00:22:41,214 --> 00:22:42,829
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
448
00:22:52,455 --> 00:22:54,739
Welcome back. The answer
to the teaser,
449
00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:55,819
the words were WIPED NIP,
450
00:22:55,844 --> 00:22:57,150
the clue was — take a deep breath.
451
00:22:57,175 --> 00:22:59,460
It was, of course, WINDPIPE. OK,
452
00:22:59,485 --> 00:23:02,150
they've been playing in teams so
far, but this game is just
453
00:23:02,175 --> 00:23:04,510
for Roisin and jon.
Roisin, your turn to choose.
454
00:23:04,535 --> 00:23:06,020
Consonant, please.
455
00:23:06,045 --> 00:23:07,020
IVI
456
00:23:07,045 --> 00:23:09,300
A, uh, consonant, please.
457
00:23:09,325 --> 00:23:10,430
T
458
00:23:10,455 --> 00:23:12,819
A consonant, please.
459
00:23:12,844 --> 00:23:14,350
S
460
00:23:14,375 --> 00:23:15,900
Vowel, please, Rachel.
461
00:23:15,925 --> 00:23:17,230
O
462
00:23:17,255 --> 00:23:19,180
A vowel, please, Rachel.
463
00:23:19,205 --> 00:23:20,300
I
464
00:23:20,325 --> 00:23:21,710
Vowel, please, Rachel.
465
00:23:21,735 --> 00:23:22,989
E
466
00:23:23,014 --> 00:23:24,590
Vowel, please, Rachel.
467
00:23:24,615 --> 00:23:25,819
A
468
00:23:25,844 --> 00:23:27,100
Two more consonants, please.
469
00:23:27,125 --> 00:23:29,020
And C
470
00:23:29,045 --> 00:23:31,430
and R. Do you want chocolates
snacks, anything, anyone?
471
00:23:31,455 --> 00:23:34,069
Oh! Yeah. I'll get some.
OK, your time starts now.
472
00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:59,180
THUMPING
473
00:24:04,255 --> 00:24:06,920
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
474
00:24:15,455 --> 00:24:16,790
Shit.
475
00:24:19,055 --> 00:24:20,989
# Moon... #
476
00:24:21,014 --> 00:24:24,590
No. OK, er, jon, how many?
477
00:24:24,615 --> 00:24:26,869
Ah, let's try a seven.
478
00:24:26,894 --> 00:24:28,260
OK, Roisin, how many?
479
00:24:28,285 --> 00:24:29,350
Seven.
480
00:24:29,375 --> 00:24:31,949
Has anyone got a 50p?
I need to get out.
481
00:24:31,974 --> 00:24:34,430
Shall we push over
a vending machine?
482
00:24:36,894 --> 00:24:38,790
All right,
I've got snacks for people,
483
00:24:38,815 --> 00:24:40,069
Roisin, I've got you,
484
00:24:40,094 --> 00:24:42,590
I've got you a Milky Carr,
you want a Milky Carr?
485
00:24:42,615 --> 00:24:44,069
Sure, thank you.
486
00:24:44,094 --> 00:24:46,670
Jesus Wept!
487
00:24:46,695 --> 00:24:48,949
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
488
00:24:50,285 --> 00:24:52,670
Jon, I got you a
Short And Curly Wurly.
489
00:24:54,055 --> 00:24:56,900
Cos you're short
and you've got pubes on your head.
490
00:24:58,094 --> 00:25:01,310
And, Nabil, I got you
a Wispa Gold
491
00:25:01,335 --> 00:25:03,710
Buzzer But Then Lost In The Final.
492
00:25:03,735 --> 00:25:06,460
Joe, I got you, er, I got you some
Chocolate Fingers cos
493
00:25:06,485 --> 00:25:08,869
I know you like putting your fingers
up your bum.
494
00:25:10,455 --> 00:25:13,030
Merci! You know me too well.
495
00:25:15,695 --> 00:25:17,430
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
496
00:25:20,175 --> 00:25:23,100
Roisin, your seven? CRAMITE.
497
00:25:23,125 --> 00:25:26,100
Ooh! Susie, is CRAMITE in there?
498
00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:28,590
Er, no,
CRAMITE is not in, unfortunately.
499
00:25:28,615 --> 00:25:30,150
Km'? COATERS.
500
00:25:30,175 --> 00:25:32,110
Oooh! Yeah! Is that one? COATERS.
501
00:25:32,135 --> 00:25:34,670
COATERS will be fine. Seven to jon!
502
00:25:35,844 --> 00:25:37,110
That's great.
503
00:25:38,175 --> 00:25:42,150
David, Susie, could they have
done any better? Um, yes, MORTISES.
504
00:25:42,175 --> 00:25:44,069
MORTICES.
Is that to do with locks?
505
00:25:44,094 --> 00:25:46,540
Yes, mortice and lock,
mortice and tenon.
506
00:25:46,565 --> 00:25:48,310
And then MATRICES.
MATRICES.
507
00:25:48,335 --> 00:25:51,069
As in all of the Matrix movies.
508
00:25:51,094 --> 00:25:52,260
Yes.
509
00:25:54,175 --> 00:25:57,110
OK, so at the end of that, Roisin
and joe have four,
510
00:25:57,135 --> 00:25:58,670
)on and Nab“ have seven.
511
00:25:58,695 --> 00:26:00,540
Yes! Huge scoring there.
512
00:26:00,565 --> 00:26:02,900
I'm happy with that,
happy with that.
513
00:26:02,925 --> 00:26:05,430
Fight, now fime for he
and Nab“ to go head-to-head.
514
00:26:05,455 --> 00:26:07,949
OK, your turn to choose
the numbers, Nabil.
515
00:26:07,974 --> 00:26:10,230
Could I have a big number? Yes.
516
00:26:10,255 --> 00:26:12,470
And a small one.
517
00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:16,900
Big. How many more do I need?
Three.
518
00:26:16,925 --> 00:26:18,340
OK, small,
519
00:26:18,365 --> 00:26:20,079
small,
520
00:26:20,104 --> 00:26:21,470
small.
521
00:26:21,495 --> 00:26:22,829
10, 4, 6...
522
00:26:22,854 --> 00:26:23,949
JOE: Yes!
523
00:26:23,974 --> 00:26:25,510
...2, 1OO and 25.
524
00:26:25,535 --> 00:26:27,510
Oh, that's a dream!
JOE: Oh, quality!
525
00:26:27,535 --> 00:26:28,869
And the target, 143.
526
00:26:28,894 --> 00:26:30,180
Yes!
527
00:26:30,205 --> 00:26:31,510
Yes!
528
00:26:31,535 --> 00:26:33,749
No! OK, your time starts now.
529
00:26:35,005 --> 00:26:38,260
What you've gotta remember is
he's an idiot.
530
00:26:45,335 --> 00:26:46,790
Oh, shit.
531
00:26:51,495 --> 00:26:53,110
Oh, fuck.
532
00:26:55,415 --> 00:26:57,190
Not as easy as it looks, is it?
533
00:27:00,774 --> 00:27:02,510
Oh, shit.
534
00:27:04,365 --> 00:27:06,150
So, Nabil, did you get it?
535
00:27:06,175 --> 00:27:07,829
I think so.
536
00:27:07,854 --> 00:27:10,390
OK, and, joe, did you get it?
Yes, yes, absolutely.
537
00:27:10,415 --> 00:27:12,670
OK, how did you get it? joe?
538
00:27:12,695 --> 00:27:14,310
100 + '25
539
00:27:14,335 --> 00:27:16,030
125
540
00:27:16,055 --> 00:27:18,310
+10
541
00:27:18,335 --> 00:27:19,980
135
542
00:27:21,774 --> 00:27:23,260
OK, joe, what next?
543
00:27:23,285 --> 00:27:24,980
Plus...plus the, er,
544
00:27:25,005 --> 00:27:26,570
+6+2
545
00:27:26,595 --> 00:27:28,210
Yeah, just an adding test, that one.
546
00:27:29,874 --> 00:27:33,050
CHEERING
547
00:27:33,075 --> 00:27:36,210
I like the fact he didn't
know he got it, though.
548
00:27:37,555 --> 00:27:39,360
Er, Nabil, did you get it?
549
00:27:39,385 --> 00:27:41,050
I don't know.
550
00:27:41,075 --> 00:27:42,690
OK, how did you do it?
551
00:27:42,715 --> 00:27:44,330
So, I...
552
00:27:44,355 --> 00:27:45,849
100 + 25
553
00:27:45,874 --> 00:27:48,180
JOE: Oh, yeah, bit sus.
554
00:27:48,205 --> 00:27:51,130
And then make up
the rest, you bullshitter!
555
00:27:51,155 --> 00:27:52,460
2x6
556
00:27:52,485 --> 00:27:56,330
So, add the 12 to 125.
557
00:27:56,355 --> 00:27:59,490
137.
Add the ten and subtract the four.
558
00:27:59,515 --> 00:28:01,290
Yeah.
jOE: Fucking hell.
559
00:28:02,595 --> 00:28:05,080
Ten points to both teams.
560
00:28:05,105 --> 00:28:07,610
Time to go now across
to Dictionary Corner.
561
00:28:07,635 --> 00:28:09,330
David O'Doherty,
what have you got for us?
562
00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:11,639
Well, I think a lot about what
563
00:28:11,664 --> 00:28:13,690
to do on Dictionary Corner...
DRUMBEAT STARTS
564
00:28:13,715 --> 00:28:18,050
...and it's mostly how do I want
people to feel?
565
00:28:18,075 --> 00:28:20,050
And the answer it always the same.
566
00:28:20,075 --> 00:28:23,719
# I just want to make you feel alive
that's all I want
567
00:28:23,744 --> 00:28:26,290
# How often in your life
are you truly alive?
568
00:28:26,315 --> 00:28:28,820
# Like you know when you've
forgotten you had a Berocca
569
00:28:28,845 --> 00:28:30,820
# And you take a pee
and you're like
570
00:28:30,845 --> 00:28:33,540
# "Oh, my dick's a laser!
Oh, no, I had a Berocca"
571
00:28:33,565 --> 00:28:37,250
# Truly alive, like when you fall
asleep on the train
572
00:28:37,275 --> 00:28:39,610
# And you wake up you're like
"Oh, I've missed my stop"
573
00:28:39,635 --> 00:28:41,570
# And then the train pulls into
your stop
574
00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:45,930
# Yes, it's my stop!
And I had a little snooze
575
00:28:45,955 --> 00:28:47,610
# Truly alive
576
00:28:47,635 --> 00:28:49,899
# Like a first kiss or a last kiss
577
00:28:49,924 --> 00:28:52,130
# Or when a baby laughs at a funeral
578
00:28:53,355 --> 00:28:56,180
# ls there a more powerfully
life—affirming moment
579
00:28:56,205 --> 00:28:58,610
# Than a baby not giving a shit
at a funeral?
580
00:28:58,635 --> 00:29:00,260
# Everyone else like "boohoo"
581
00:29:00,285 --> 00:29:02,290
# And the baby's like "Ah—ha—ha—ha!"
582
00:29:02,315 --> 00:29:05,080
# You're right, baby
Life goes on
583
00:29:05,105 --> 00:29:08,690
# Truly alive, like when your
printer is out of paper
584
00:29:08,715 --> 00:29:11,010
# And it's gasping
for one more sheet
585
00:29:11,035 --> 00:29:12,130
# It's like "hurgh, hurgh, hurgh"
586
00:29:12,155 --> 00:29:14,050
# And you get a sheet out of
the bin
587
00:29:14,075 --> 00:29:16,849
# And it goes like,
"Uh, bzzzzzh, yeah!"
588
00:29:16,874 --> 00:29:21,440
# Truly alive, like when you see
a really, really old person
589
00:29:21,465 --> 00:29:23,899
# Post-pandemic doing anything
590
00:29:23,924 --> 00:29:25,930
# Come on!
591
00:29:25,955 --> 00:29:28,719
# My neighbour is called Des
and he's 92
592
00:29:28,744 --> 00:29:31,570
# And every morning he puts on
a suit and gets on his bike
593
00:29:31,595 --> 00:29:35,130
# And cycles off to get
two sausages, two sausages
594
00:29:35,155 --> 00:29:37,490
# How do I know? Cos he comes
back with them tied
595
00:29:37,515 --> 00:29:40,440
# Onto the handlebars and
they're dangling like a ball bag
596
00:29:40,465 --> 00:29:42,540
# Truly alive
597
00:29:42,565 --> 00:29:46,160
# Like sometimes you're watching
this show
598
00:29:46,185 --> 00:29:47,930
# It's so good, you're like, "Ah—a!"
599
00:29:47,955 --> 00:29:49,769
# It's so good you don't want it
to end
600
00:29:49,794 --> 00:29:51,330
# And at the end you're like "Ah!
601
00:29:51,355 --> 00:29:53,800
# "Aww," that's what I want this
to be like
602
00:29:53,825 --> 00:29:56,400
# I want this to be so good
that the rest of our life's
603
00:29:56,425 --> 00:30:00,120
# An anti-climax
Will that happen? I don't know
604
00:30:00,145 --> 00:30:03,759
# But let's just get on with
the rest of this show. # Thank you.
605
00:30:03,784 --> 00:30:06,000
David O'Doherty, everyone.
606
00:30:07,455 --> 00:30:08,920
And here is your teaser.
607
00:30:08,945 --> 00:30:11,480
The words are THE CRAPS,
and the clue is —
608
00:30:11,505 --> 00:30:14,200
one more before bed.
That's THE CRAPS,
609
00:30:14,225 --> 00:30:16,509
one more before bed.
See you after the break.
610
00:30:16,534 --> 00:30:19,080
APPLAUSE
611
00:30:30,854 --> 00:30:33,209
Welcome back,
the answer to the teaser.
612
00:30:33,234 --> 00:30:35,880
The words were THE CRAPS,
the clue was one more before bed.
613
00:30:35,905 --> 00:30:37,520
It was of course CHAPTERS.
614
00:30:37,545 --> 00:30:39,880
OK, its time now for
a quick bonus round.
615
00:30:39,905 --> 00:30:42,480
I'm proud to say that we have
some of the thickest people on TV
616
00:30:42,505 --> 00:30:44,209
on this show tonight.
617
00:30:44,234 --> 00:30:46,159
So, let's play one
of my favourite quizzes,
618
00:30:46,184 --> 00:30:48,209
Didn't Go to University Challenge.
619
00:30:48,234 --> 00:30:50,480
JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS
620
00:30:52,104 --> 00:30:55,010
The team with the most correct
answers at the end of this win five points.
621
00:30:55,035 --> 00:30:56,240
Here's your first question.
622
00:30:56,265 --> 00:30:58,159
We all know the parenting
forum Mumsnet,
623
00:30:58,184 --> 00:31:00,480
but which of these is
a genuine name of
624
00:31:00,505 --> 00:31:02,010
a thread on Mumsnet?
625
00:31:02,035 --> 00:31:03,240
Oh, God.
626
00:31:03,265 --> 00:31:04,959
Is it"?
627
00:31:21,145 --> 00:31:23,120
OK, you can confer with your
team-mate,
628
00:31:23,145 --> 00:31:27,450
write down your answers. Is it
A, B, C or D? One of them is real.
629
00:31:28,825 --> 00:31:30,730
He's an absolute bit of sauce.
630
00:31:30,755 --> 00:31:33,839
OK, er, jon, Nabil,
what are you gonna go for?
631
00:31:33,864 --> 00:31:35,800
Parps, always back a parp.
632
00:31:35,825 --> 00:31:39,039
Always back a parp. OK, does Rachel Riley keep
doing parps during Countdown? You're going for that,
633
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:41,400
OK. Er, what you are you gdmg
for, Raisin, he'?
634
00:31:41,425 --> 00:31:44,289
I want to go with
Jon's an absolute piece of arse.
635
00:31:44,314 --> 00:31:46,159
Well, I can tell you
the answer is D.
636
00:31:46,184 --> 00:31:48,730
"Am I the only one to get the horn
over jon Richardson?"
637
00:31:48,755 --> 00:31:51,520
He's a piece of arse.
He's a piece of arse. Top nerd.
638
00:31:51,545 --> 00:31:53,570
And just to prove it,
639
00:31:53,595 --> 00:31:56,320
I've got an extraordinary post
from the thread.
640
00:31:56,345 --> 00:31:57,959
Oh, my God. Bountiful tonight,
641
00:31:57,984 --> 00:32:00,560
first Room 101,
now 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
642
00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:03,839
Jon just needs a damn good seeing to
and a cuddle.
643
00:32:03,864 --> 00:32:06,400
LAUGHTER, WHOOPING
644
00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:07,730
Not far off.
645
00:32:09,184 --> 00:32:10,810
How do you feel about, you know,
646
00:32:10,835 --> 00:32:13,179
someone being hungry for the Rico
on Mumsnet?
647
00:32:13,204 --> 00:32:16,089
It's just a depressing thing,
isn't it, to be told like...?
648
00:32:16,114 --> 00:32:17,370
Oh, it's weird, innit?
649
00:32:17,395 --> 00:32:20,089
She's not saying it's weird, is she?
She wasn't saying it was weird.
650
00:32:20,114 --> 00:32:22,880
"Am I the only one to get
the horn" sort of implies,
651
00:32:22,905 --> 00:32:24,370
well, we obviously all agree
652
00:32:24,395 --> 00:32:25,730
he's a weird little troll?
653
00:32:26,785 --> 00:32:29,919
No, I think she's gone onto...isn't
it a website for parents
654
00:32:29,944 --> 00:32:31,959
and she's like gone into
a meeting, effectively,
655
00:32:31,984 --> 00:32:34,370
they're like, "What nappies do
you use?" And she's like,
656
00:32:34,395 --> 00:32:36,370
"Does anyone else wanna bang
Jon Richardson?"
657
00:32:36,395 --> 00:32:39,939
She's like that. Cos it's on Mumsnet
suggests it's a sort of motherly,
658
00:32:39,964 --> 00:32:42,939
I bet there be loads
of like "I'd put him in nappies
659
00:32:42,964 --> 00:32:45,680
"and make him suckle at my teat.
660
00:32:45,705 --> 00:32:47,560
You cocky bugger.
661
00:32:50,555 --> 00:32:53,370
Jon, would you like to hear
another steamy post about you from
662
00:32:53,395 --> 00:32:54,730
the thread?
663
00:32:54,755 --> 00:32:56,089
"I think he'd be hard work
664
00:32:56,114 --> 00:32:58,810
"but a good challenge.
I'd fucking ruin him."
665
00:33:01,395 --> 00:33:03,120
All the lads from the rugby club.
666
00:33:06,064 --> 00:33:09,470
All right, next question in
Didn't Go To University Challenge.
667
00:33:09,495 --> 00:33:11,189
Time for a music round.
Ladies and gentlemen,
668
00:33:11,214 --> 00:33:13,039
can you please welcome Fabio.
669
00:33:13,064 --> 00:33:15,280
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
670
00:33:19,475 --> 00:33:22,760
Er, Fabio, as you can see, is in
the middle of a silent disco.
671
00:33:22,785 --> 00:33:25,450
All I want you is to tell me is what
song is he dancing to?
672
00:33:25,475 --> 00:33:27,200
So, here's your first one, go.
673
00:33:29,035 --> 00:33:31,650
Is it an audio book?
jon, Nabil, what are you saying?
674
00:33:31,675 --> 00:33:34,010
# If you like it then you should
have put a ring on it. #
675
00:33:34,035 --> 00:33:34,810
OK, ah.
676
00:33:34,835 --> 00:33:36,390
# Uh-uh oh, oh-oh-oh. #
677
00:33:36,415 --> 00:33:37,300
joe, Roisin?
678
00:33:37,325 --> 00:33:39,109
Er, God Save The Queen.
679
00:33:40,984 --> 00:33:42,680
OK, let's have a listen.
680
00:33:42,705 --> 00:33:45,200
# Cos if you like it, then,
you should have put a ring on it
681
00:33:45,225 --> 00:33:47,680
# If you like it, then,
you should have put a ring on it
682
00:33:47,705 --> 00:33:49,680
# Don't be mad once you see
that he want it
683
00:33:49,705 --> 00:33:52,169
# If you like it, then, you should
have put a ring on it. #
684
00:33:52,194 --> 00:33:53,919
OK, next one.
685
00:33:57,305 --> 00:33:59,370
What on earth is that?
686
00:33:59,395 --> 00:34:02,730
OK. jon, Nabil, any idea?
What's he dancing to?
687
00:34:02,755 --> 00:34:04,580
Can't Touch This, MC Hammer.
688
00:34:04,605 --> 00:34:07,059
OK, and, joe, Roisin,
what do you think?
689
00:34:07,084 --> 00:34:08,370
Moon River.
690
00:34:08,395 --> 00:34:10,640
You're saying Moon River, are you?
691
00:34:10,665 --> 00:34:12,280
Yeah, he's doing it fast.
692
00:34:13,635 --> 00:34:15,200
Let's have a listen.
693
00:34:15,225 --> 00:34:17,530
MUSIC: U Can't Touch This
by MC Hammer
694
00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:19,039
Oh, you're good, Nab“! Very good'.!
695
00:34:20,835 --> 00:34:22,560
# Stop! Hammer time! #
696
00:34:24,305 --> 00:34:25,530
Did you curtsey?!
697
00:34:25,555 --> 00:34:26,969
Yeah, that was a curtsy he did.
698
00:34:26,994 --> 00:34:28,839
He did a curtsy, yeah.
699
00:34:28,864 --> 00:34:30,370
He think's he's meeting the Queen.
700
00:34:30,395 --> 00:34:32,610
OK, next one.
701
00:34:34,755 --> 00:34:37,530
You should have gone
before you came out.
702
00:34:37,555 --> 00:34:40,280
Oh, 0h, I know!
Come On And Do The Conga.
703
00:34:40,305 --> 00:34:41,640
# La-la-la-la. #
704
00:34:41,665 --> 00:34:44,039
By Black Lace. # Come on and do
the conga. # Is it Black Lace?
705
00:34:44,064 --> 00:34:46,450
# Drink warm pineapple
Shit your pants. #
706
00:34:53,275 --> 00:34:56,039
I can tell you
that is the right answer.
707
00:34:56,064 --> 00:34:59,890
# Do, do, do
Come on and do the conga
708
00:34:59,915 --> 00:35:03,039
# Choo—choo—choo
That train across the floor. #
709
00:35:03,064 --> 00:35:05,000
All right, last one.
710
00:35:11,475 --> 00:35:13,039
Are you cold?
711
00:35:13,064 --> 00:35:15,370
Don't make eye contact.
712
00:35:15,395 --> 00:35:17,730
# Don't have to...be beaut... #
No.
713
00:35:17,755 --> 00:35:20,480
What, sorry? Give us a bit more of
that, what was it?
714
00:35:20,505 --> 00:35:23,760
# Don't have to beautiful... #
But it's not that one.
715
00:35:23,785 --> 00:35:25,560
# To be my girl. #
716
00:35:25,585 --> 00:35:28,280
What a lovely tribute to Prince.
717
00:35:28,305 --> 00:35:31,330
George Michael...
# I'm never gonna dance again. #
718
00:35:31,355 --> 00:35:33,169
Ooh! Let's have a listen.
719
00:35:34,305 --> 00:35:36,719
MUSIC: Careless Whisper
by George Michael
720
00:35:41,275 --> 00:35:43,810
This is turning into
Nabil's specialist round.
721
00:35:43,835 --> 00:35:46,610
The black guy knows about dancing,
who would have thought?!
722
00:35:47,715 --> 00:35:49,719
Er, Fabio everyone.
723
00:35:49,744 --> 00:35:51,250
Give him a round of applause.
724
00:35:57,585 --> 00:35:59,200
# Moo... # No.
725
00:35:59,225 --> 00:36:02,049
You've got to, we're not leaving
this show until you do Moon River
726
00:36:02,074 --> 00:36:04,839
and it's gotta be... We'll just do
a pick-up where we keep saying,
727
00:36:04,864 --> 00:36:06,330
"Jimmy, do an impression of a cow."
728
00:36:08,105 --> 00:36:10,410
At the end of that, ton
and Nab“ have won the quiz.
729
00:36:10,435 --> 00:36:11,719
Five points to them.
730
00:36:11,744 --> 00:36:14,049
Ah.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
731
00:36:17,555 --> 00:36:20,640
Er, on with the game. jon, Nabil,
your turn to choose the letters.
732
00:36:20,665 --> 00:36:22,610
Consonant, please, Rachel.
733
00:36:22,635 --> 00:36:23,969
C
734
00:36:23,994 --> 00:36:25,480
Let's have a vowel.
735
00:36:25,505 --> 00:36:26,690
O
736
00:36:26,715 --> 00:36:28,690
And a consonant, please.
737
00:36:28,715 --> 00:36:30,560
Oh! One for jimmy!
738
00:36:30,585 --> 00:36:31,560
VG
739
00:36:33,475 --> 00:36:36,049
What noise does a cow make?
740
00:36:36,074 --> 00:36:37,810
# Moo... #
741
00:36:38,864 --> 00:36:40,690
A vowel, please.
742
00:36:40,715 --> 00:36:42,440
I
743
00:36:42,465 --> 00:36:44,719
And another vowel, please.
744
00:36:44,744 --> 00:36:45,770
A
745
00:36:45,795 --> 00:36:47,280
Consonant, please, Rachel.
746
00:36:47,305 --> 00:36:48,440
S
747
00:36:48,465 --> 00:36:49,810
And another consonant, please.
748
00:36:49,835 --> 00:36:51,000
L
749
00:36:51,025 --> 00:36:52,770
And another consonant, please.
750
00:36:52,795 --> 00:36:54,049
H
751
00:36:54,074 --> 00:36:55,969
Ooh, and another consonant, please.
752
00:36:55,994 --> 00:36:57,810
And the last one — T.
753
00:36:57,835 --> 00:36:59,610
And your time starts now.
754
00:37:30,225 --> 00:37:32,250
OK, jon, how many?
755
00:37:32,275 --> 00:37:34,719
Four. Nab“, how many'?
756
00:37:34,744 --> 00:37:36,330
Five. Roisin, how many?
757
00:37:36,355 --> 00:37:37,969
Four.
758
00:37:37,994 --> 00:37:39,610
Joe? Seven.
759
00:37:41,465 --> 00:37:42,770
Roisin, your four?
760
00:37:42,795 --> 00:37:45,080
WAIT
761
00:37:45,105 --> 00:37:48,130
Four was...you were playing
for time. Oh, WAIT?
762
00:37:48,155 --> 00:37:49,250
Yeah.
763
00:37:51,515 --> 00:37:54,250
OK, um, jon, your four.
764
00:37:54,275 --> 00:37:55,640
SHIT
765
00:37:57,385 --> 00:37:59,280
You could have had COWSHIT.
766
00:37:59,305 --> 00:38:00,530
Someone has!
767
00:38:02,305 --> 00:38:04,049
I was born for this game.
768
00:38:04,074 --> 00:38:06,490
APPLAUSE
769
00:38:09,824 --> 00:38:12,890
This is the saddest news
I've ever had to deliver
770
00:38:12,915 --> 00:38:15,160
but cow shit's two words so...
771
00:38:15,185 --> 00:38:16,360
No, it's not in anyway.
772
00:38:16,385 --> 00:38:17,969
And Nab“?
773
00:38:17,994 --> 00:38:20,849
CLASH. Ooh! Five points to Nabil.
774
00:38:20,874 --> 00:38:22,610
APPLAUSE
775
00:38:26,275 --> 00:38:28,560
David, Susie, could they done
any better?
776
00:38:28,585 --> 00:38:30,890
Susie found STOICAL as well.
777
00:38:30,915 --> 00:38:33,210
So, at the end of that,
jon and Nabil are in the lead
778
00:38:33,235 --> 00:38:34,890
with 27.
779
00:38:38,105 --> 00:38:40,080
OK, time to go once again
to Dictionary Corner.
780
00:38:40,105 --> 00:38:41,890
David O'Doherty,
what have you got for us?
781
00:38:41,915 --> 00:38:44,570
Well, it is,
782
00:38:44,595 --> 00:38:47,799
it's my parents' wedding
anniversary today,
783
00:38:47,824 --> 00:38:49,280
Jim and Ann.
784
00:38:49,305 --> 00:38:53,640
Jim is a jazz musician
and Ann is the full—time carer
785
00:38:53,665 --> 00:38:55,280
for a jazz musician,
786
00:38:55,305 --> 00:38:57,690
and we used to watch Countdown
together,
787
00:38:57,715 --> 00:39:00,360
so I thought I'd take this
opportunity to do a song
788
00:39:00,385 --> 00:39:02,000
for Mum and Dad.
789
00:39:04,824 --> 00:39:11,160
# Mum and, Dad I'm so lucky
to still have you around
790
00:39:13,105 --> 00:39:19,929
# I want to know every lesson
you've picked up along life's way
791
00:39:19,954 --> 00:39:24,770
# But whenever I'm about
to ask, you say
792
00:39:26,074 --> 00:39:28,929
# How do I print a Google?
793
00:39:28,954 --> 00:39:32,330
# What channel is Netflix on?
794
00:39:32,355 --> 00:39:33,880
# It's not a channel
795
00:39:33,905 --> 00:39:37,440
# What's the password to the family
What ls App?
796
00:39:37,465 --> 00:39:40,490
# OK, first thing,
there's no password
797
00:39:40,515 --> 00:39:43,049
# Secondly it's just WhatsApp, Mum
798
00:39:43,074 --> 00:39:45,490
# But there's no apostrophe,
it should be What ls App
799
00:39:45,515 --> 00:39:48,880
# I know, Mum,
Things are slipping
800
00:39:50,105 --> 00:39:51,929
# David, what's a me-me?
801
00:39:51,954 --> 00:39:53,410
# Oh, Jesus
802
00:39:53,435 --> 00:39:56,880
# Where is the cloud?
803
00:39:56,905 --> 00:39:59,719
# I don't know
Should we get TikToks?
804
00:39:59,744 --> 00:40:01,440
# Absolutely not
805
00:40:01,465 --> 00:40:03,719
# David, I think I'm stuck
806
00:40:03,744 --> 00:40:04,849
# On the dark web
807
00:40:04,874 --> 00:40:08,610
# What? Let me see that
808
00:40:08,635 --> 00:40:13,000
# You've just turned
your colour balance down
809
00:40:13,025 --> 00:40:16,799
# David, do you think your old man's
an idiot?
810
00:40:16,824 --> 00:40:18,719
# I was able
to sort it out this morning
811
00:40:18,744 --> 00:40:21,360
# I got an email, get this,
there was a fire at the bank
812
00:40:21,385 --> 00:40:23,690
# And they've lost
all of our personal details
813
00:40:23,715 --> 00:40:26,010
# NO, Dad, not this again!
814
00:40:26,035 --> 00:40:28,360
# Just don't give them
the three numbers on the back
815
00:40:28,385 --> 00:40:31,210
# They've lost the three numbers
on the... Oh, God!
816
00:40:31,235 --> 00:40:36,360
# David, remember when I said that
my computer was running a bit slow?
817
00:40:36,385 --> 00:40:39,210
# And you said to close all
the windows
818
00:40:39,235 --> 00:40:42,490
# Oh, no, Mum
819
00:40:42,515 --> 00:40:45,330
# It's very hot in the house now
820
00:40:45,355 --> 00:40:47,650
# I think I'll just come over
821
00:40:47,675 --> 00:40:52,010
# We'll have a tea
and maybe watch Countdown
822
00:40:52,035 --> 00:40:53,240
# The actual one. #
823
00:40:55,265 --> 00:40:57,049
David O'Doherty, everyone.
824
00:40:58,515 --> 00:41:02,240
OK, here is your final teaser.
The words are WANK TREE.
825
00:41:02,265 --> 00:41:03,650
No, hang on, they're not.
826
00:41:04,744 --> 00:41:06,570
Let's get some decorum. Yeah.
827
00:41:08,465 --> 00:41:11,929
And here's your final teaser,
the words are WANK TIRE.
828
00:41:14,185 --> 00:41:16,010
Ah, you know what? Fuck this show.
829
00:41:17,624 --> 00:41:20,240
And here is your final teaser,
the words are WANK TIRE.
830
00:41:20,265 --> 00:41:22,570
The clue is — it's starting to itch.
831
00:41:22,595 --> 00:41:26,160
That's WANK TIRE, it's starting to
itch. See you after the break.
832
00:41:26,185 --> 00:41:28,410
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
833
00:41:38,994 --> 00:41:41,349
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
834
00:41:41,374 --> 00:41:43,860
The words were WANK TIRE, the clue
was — it's starting to itch,
835
00:41:43,885 --> 00:41:45,270
it was, of course, KNITWEAR.
836
00:41:45,295 --> 00:41:47,299
You've ruined the word knitwear
for me now.
837
00:41:47,324 --> 00:41:49,940
It's one of my key words
and now every time I think of
838
00:41:49,965 --> 00:41:53,020
the word knitwear, I'm gonna think
of you saying WANK TIRE.
839
00:41:53,045 --> 00:41:55,299
But not if you go straight
into Moon River. Go.
840
00:41:56,885 --> 00:41:59,179
Oh. OK, time for our final letters
game,
841
00:41:59,204 --> 00:42:00,940
Roisin, joe, your turn to choose.
842
00:42:00,965 --> 00:42:02,580
Consonant, please. Thanks, Joe.
843
00:42:02,605 --> 00:42:03,940
/
844
00:42:03,965 --> 00:42:05,710
And a vowel, please.
845
00:42:05,735 --> 00:42:06,969
E
846
00:42:06,994 --> 00:42:09,020
Ah, a consonant, please.
847
00:42:09,045 --> 00:42:10,299
S
848
00:42:10,324 --> 00:42:11,710
Consonant, please.
849
00:42:11,735 --> 00:42:12,940
G
850
00:42:12,965 --> 00:42:14,219
A vowel, please.
851
00:42:14,244 --> 00:42:15,460
I
852
00:42:15,485 --> 00:42:18,460
Oh, joe, could you keep it down
cos Fabio's trying
853
00:42:18,485 --> 00:42:19,890
to get some rest?
854
00:42:19,915 --> 00:42:22,500
He's very sleepy after
the dance thing.
855
00:42:24,355 --> 00:42:26,219
WHISPERS: Consonant.
856
00:42:26,244 --> 00:42:27,820
Sh.
857
00:42:27,845 --> 00:42:29,580
/
858
00:42:29,605 --> 00:42:32,250
And could I have another consonant?
859
00:42:32,275 --> 00:42:33,940
X. Oh, fuck.
860
00:42:35,765 --> 00:42:38,460
This is a fucking terrible
selection. What are you doing?
861
00:42:38,485 --> 00:42:39,710
Say sorry to Rachel.
862
00:42:39,735 --> 00:42:41,380
Sorry.
863
00:42:41,405 --> 00:42:42,969
I didn't ask to be born.
864
00:42:44,405 --> 00:42:45,660
Consonant.
865
00:42:45,685 --> 00:42:47,580
Oh, bugger.
Oh, God, Joe.
866
00:42:47,605 --> 00:42:49,580
G. You berk.
867
00:42:49,605 --> 00:42:52,070
Right, your 30 seconds starts now.
868
00:42:55,355 --> 00:42:59,790
On tonight's show, jon Richardson!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
869
00:42:59,815 --> 00:43:02,900
Roisin Conaty...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUE
870
00:43:02,925 --> 00:43:05,219
Nabil Abdulrashid...
871
00:43:06,685 --> 00:43:08,940
Joe Wilkinson...
872
00:43:08,965 --> 00:43:11,219
David O'Doherty...
873
00:43:11,244 --> 00:43:13,510
Susie Dent...
874
00:43:13,535 --> 00:43:15,820
Rachel Riley,
875
00:43:15,845 --> 00:43:20,510
and your host, the most smartest and
the most funniest man on TV,
876
00:43:20,535 --> 00:43:23,690
it's Fabio!
877
00:43:23,715 --> 00:43:25,940
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
878
00:43:31,285 --> 00:43:34,150
Fabio, love, wake up.
I just can't wake him.
879
00:43:34,175 --> 00:43:36,099
Awww!
880
00:43:41,994 --> 00:43:43,460
Go on, fuck off.
881
00:43:43,485 --> 00:43:45,740
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
882
00:43:51,204 --> 00:43:53,510
Er, Roisin, how many? Four.
883
00:43:53,535 --> 00:43:55,790
Joe? Four.
884
00:43:55,815 --> 00:43:58,070
Jon? I'll try a six.
885
00:43:58,095 --> 00:43:59,979
Sure. Nab“? Seven.
886
00:44:00,004 --> 00:44:01,460
Roisin, your four.
887
00:44:01,485 --> 00:44:03,429
GEGS. What, sorry?
888
00:44:05,685 --> 00:44:08,299
Greggs but when you're drunk.
889
00:44:08,324 --> 00:44:09,740
GEGS
890
00:44:09,765 --> 00:44:11,620
OK, Joe?
891
00:44:11,645 --> 00:44:13,340
BIGS. Susie, is BIGS in there?
892
00:44:13,365 --> 00:44:15,620
Yeah, as in she BIGS me up always,
893
00:44:15,645 --> 00:44:17,590
Yeah, it's there as a verb.
894
00:44:24,285 --> 00:44:25,900
Nabil's got a seven.
895
00:44:25,925 --> 00:44:28,340
Yeah, I thought I had BESIEGED
but I'm missing an E.
896
00:44:28,365 --> 00:44:29,590
No, OK. jon.
897
00:44:29,615 --> 00:44:31,510
IBEXES. Well done.
898
00:44:31,535 --> 00:44:33,820
Ah, this is... I mean,
899
00:44:33,845 --> 00:44:37,410
It's only a six,
but it's an incredible six.
900
00:44:37,435 --> 00:44:40,099
Mumsnet are gonna be spunking
all over you again.
901
00:44:41,765 --> 00:44:44,380
Susie, IBEXES, what's IBEXES?
902
00:44:44,405 --> 00:44:46,870
An Ibex is a wild mountain goat.
903
00:44:46,895 --> 00:44:50,179
Well, six points to jon.
IBEXES — mountain goats.
904
00:44:53,254 --> 00:44:54,620
Anything else impressive up there?
905
00:44:54,645 --> 00:44:56,979
IBEXES is as good
as we're getting here.
906
00:44:57,004 --> 00:45:00,770
Er, my partner in
Dictionary Corner also got BEIGES.
907
00:45:00,795 --> 00:45:04,820
So, Roisin and joe have 14,
jon and Nabil have 33.
908
00:45:04,845 --> 00:45:06,309
Still in it.
909
00:45:11,334 --> 00:45:14,380
Fingers on buzzers. It's time
for today's Countdown Conundrum.
910
00:45:14,405 --> 00:45:16,740
BUZZER Sorry, I just
like the way that feels.
911
00:45:19,155 --> 00:45:20,620
Your time starts now.
912
00:45:26,084 --> 00:45:28,340
Ah!
BUZZER
913
00:45:30,124 --> 00:45:31,460
Ah, incredibly smug face.
914
00:45:31,485 --> 00:45:34,020
That's the thing I hate is my face.
915
00:45:34,045 --> 00:45:35,979
I'll do it
like Phantom Of The Opera.
916
00:45:36,004 --> 00:45:37,950
Go on, you can tell us, what is it?
917
00:45:37,975 --> 00:45:39,590
PAN ELLIST
918
00:45:39,615 --> 00:45:41,229
Let's have a look.
919
00:45:41,254 --> 00:45:42,740
It is PANELLIST, yeah.
920
00:45:42,765 --> 00:45:44,979
APPLAUSE
921
00:45:45,845 --> 00:45:47,700
OK, so the scores, the final scores,
922
00:45:47,725 --> 00:45:49,340
Roisin and joe have 14 —
923
00:45:49,365 --> 00:45:53,340
they're lucky to have that —
and Nabil and jon have 43.
924
00:45:53,365 --> 00:45:55,059
That'll do, that'll do.
925
00:45:55,084 --> 00:45:57,918
So, congratuhfions, )on and Nab“,
926
00:45:57,943 --> 00:45:59,594
you're now the proud owners of
these,
927
00:45:59,619 --> 00:46:01,674
the Countdown wheely trainers!
928
00:46:01,699 --> 00:46:04,644
Thanks to all our panel lists,
our wonderful studio audience
929
00:46:04,669 --> 00:46:07,394
and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!
930
00:46:07,419 --> 00:46:10,844
MUSIC: Moon River
931
00:46:10,869 --> 00:46:13,594
CHEERING
932
00:46:16,819 --> 00:46:17,844
# Moo... #
933
00:46:17,869 --> 00:46:20,283
LAUGHTER
934
00:46:20,308 --> 00:46:23,004
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
935
00:46:31,869 --> 00:46:33,844
Subtitles by Red Bee Media