This program me contains strong language and adult humour
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...
Jon Richardson,
Roisin Conaty,
Nabil Abdulrashid,
Joe Wilkinson,
David O'Doherty,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley.
Your host, jimmy Carr!
Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown —
the show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
It's the perfect show for anyone who's ever watched their granny do
a crossword puzzle and thought, "This would make great TV!"
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
jon might look and sound like an old man,
but he's actually just a big kid —
a big boring, whiny, dull kid.
And Jon's team-mate this evening —
Nabil Abdulrashid.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Nabil's dad was a doctor, his mother was a politician,
and he went to private school, before going on to study drama
at university, where he graduated with two very disappointed parents.
Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Roisin Conaty — she's like Rachel Riley if Rachel had bunked off
every single maths lesson to drink strong cider in the park.
He said I'm like Rachel Riley!
And joining Roisin, it's joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fun fact — if you shaved his hair off and stripped him naked
you'd discover joe is actually a colony of filthy mice
all standing on each other's shoulders.
Try it.
Do you think Joe's going to be a good team-mate this evening?
Well, we went shop-lifting before we got here,
so we've got some bras,
sausage rolls and light bulbs.
I'm trying to think of a store where they would have all of those things.
I don't know — Joe led me in blindfolded.
I spun her and let her loose.
A hell of a morning that was. just sobered up now. Like a trolley dash.
Were you not tempted to put that top back,
once you'd sobered up and saw it?
Who doesn't like psychedelic chess?
You complimented it about half an hour ago.
The telly's on and you start to go against me!
Do not get into entertainment — they're backstabbers!
Nabil, first time on the show, great to have you here.
Now, you went to school in Nigeria —
is that going to help you this evening?
Well, I mean, I was born in London
but my parents had me moved back to Nigeria
to make sure I learned to speak English properly.
You know, but the thing is, I went to an international private school
which meant that in Nigeria, in the heart of Africa,
in my class I was the only black kid.
Which is nuts cos I moved to London
and there was only one white kid in my class
and it's kind of sad he's not here any more
because of Brexit so, you know.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Er, jon. Hello. I've got a question for you —
you ever thought about getting a tattoo? What would you get?
I do think about it,
but its more of a sort of intrusive thought.
I think about it in the same way that I imagine every now and again
David Attenborough thinks,
"I wonder what would happen if I punched that Gorilla."
He must think it every now and again. "I could end this now."
But, you know, I tend to regret the cardigan I choose.
So I don't really think tattoos are for me.
I can see you getting a sort of practical tattoo, though,
like a Boots loyalty card or something there to, like, "Bloop!"
I've got 47 quid on my Co—Op card.
The Co—Op's incredible. I don't care what you say,
I think it might be the best store in the world. Yeah.
Because you buy a pint of milk, you can buy cigarettes,
you can buy bread, AND they'll bury your nan.
That's an incredible array of products.
I bet there are people that'll do that for you in Lidl.
You've just got to know the right guy.
But only two feet.
You can see her when it rains.
All right, joe, has anything annoyed you recently?
You don't see as many streakers as you used to.
No. Which is a shame, you know — we're a dying breed.
People always say to me,
"Joe, why do you feel the need to take all your clothes off
"at a major sporting event?"
I always say, "Well, officer...
LAUGHTER
..."until you've run across Doncaster dog track...
..."with just a Wallace and Gromit sock on your penis...
..."in my opinion, I don't think you've lived."
OK. yon, have you got a mascot'? What have you brought'?
Yeah, I have.
It struck me that greetings cards is a really big market
because stuff happens all the time, doesn't it?
And you just buy someone a bit of paper cos you can't be arsed
to think of anything thoughtful.
It's all like, "Oh, I love you." That's the secret message, innit?
"I thought about you."
Sometimes thoughts are evil and it's nice to recognise that, as well.
I'm listening, this sounds great.
Here's an occasion I think is something worth celebrating
that we never mark as a society.
"I'm glad you failed your driving test."
Excellent, yeah.
When somebody I know to be incompetent
fails their driving test, I think the system is working.
Seven goes at your theory test — that was the clue.
If you can't drive in your mind, don't get in a fucking car!
Has anyone here ever failed their driving test?
Pash failed a couple of weeks ago.
Aww. Do you want a card?
Err, sold on that one. Brilliant. OK, what else we got?
But then I thought, well, let's monetise this show —
it's mad that we don't have Countdown-specific greetings cards.
Madness. So, I've got one with Rachel there.
It says you "UR A TWA" and inside it just says...
You again, Rachel.
Er, and the last one,
there's a picture of Joe there, look, and it just says...
Imagine that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
jon Richardson, excellent mascot.
Nab“, have you got a mascot'?
Well, I've got two daughters — sorry, mate.
I've got two daughters. I've got a card for you.
What I did is I brought
my older daughter's first-ever afro comb, right?
ROISIN: Aww!
My daughters are my pride and joy,
and their hair is their pride and joy,
but also, you know, my wife doesn't look much like me —
she's not a 6'1", 300lb Nigerian man.
She's a 5'0" Pakistani woman in a hijab.
Now, when our older daughter was two she had a massive afro,
so it was weird when they walked out together cos they didn't look like mother and child.
They looked like the front page of a really cool feminist magazine
or like the EDLs worst nightmare, you know?
My wife kind of a looked like a halal au pair sort of thing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And so, I used to play pranks with my wife,
like I would whisper to my daughter, and they would go out
and then my daughter would just run and scream,
"Help! She's not my mum!"
And then you'd have all these confused middle-class white people
not sure what to do — like, "What's less racist?
"Do we grab the hijabi or the afro baby?!"
I'm almost divorced now.
But, yeah, this means a lot to me.
I like it.
Would you like to use it? It stimulates growth.
I'll have one.
Roisin, you got a mascot?
Yes, I do have a mascot.
So, basically, I did a lot of reading on...
Cos I feel like sometimes I don't concentrate enough on the show,
I feel like my attention span moves. jON LAUGHS
Why are you laughing?!
And so, one of the things I read that improves your concentration
is if you really, you really, really, really hold your pee for a long time.
So that was my plan, and so I have brought in...
...my lucky puppy training mat.
That's a urine-soaked rag.
It's sort of part motivational when I look down
and also, I haven't been able to hold it, really,
so it's a piss rag.
We'll see if it'll work. joe, you got a mascot?
You bet your arse I have.
I love to vape.
It looks cool, and chicks dig it.
But...
...I'm kind of fed up with smelling like summer fruits.
So I've designed a new vape that will help people give up vaping.
So, Fabio, can you bring on the new vape, please?
I mean, who's going to suck on that in a Costa Coffee?
Bad for your back. Erm...
But I know what you're thinking, jimmy —
what happens when I give up?
You're not going to want to get rid of that, are you?
So, this vape comes with
a LOVELY little feature.
Jon, if you wouldn't mind trying out the vape for me.
If you want to pop yourself up.
If you could stand directly in front...
Oh, we're making a meme!
Oh, God.
"Remember that time jon Richardson sucked someone off on the show?"
"Yeah!"
If you wouldn't mind gently tapping the end — grab the shaft.
Ohhh!
There we go, there we go — whey!
Bubbles come out of his Aris!
Tap away, Jon — it's yours to keep. It just keeps going!
You don't suck that, though, surely. Yeah, it's a real vape.
The best way to do it is, Jon, put both hands on buttocks...
...and then drag it towards you.
You...
You show me, you show me.
Oh, I can't cos of Covid.
Joe Wilkinson, everyone, and his excellent vape.
Ah, look at that!
APPLAUSE Yeah, that was... Oh, yeah.
OK. Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
David once tucked his trousers into his socks
so that he could shit himself.
Oh, God!
Which — fun fact — is also known as an Irish Portaloo.
I tell you what I like about that — true story!
Yeah, it is a true story, because...
...it was the night that marriage equality was voted in in Ireland,
and I'd gone to a party, I hadn't eaten.
Cos I'd been working on the campaign,
it was quite a release and then I drank a...
I'll say! ..a whole bottle of white wine, and then I needed some food
and all there was was protein-shake stuff,
so I put that in another glass,
and I just added more white wine
and I drank it and then I began to walk home,
that turned into a run
and then I tucked my trousers into my socks,
filled my pants with poo-poo,
and then met every person I know in the world...
...and had to embrace them.
So it was a great day for Ireland and for David O'Doherty.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I shat myself at a busy cash machine once.
Yeah. The card went in...
...there was an ungodly noise...
I dropped, but still managed to get the PIN in...
...take out my 40 quid. And then, like all good gentlemen,
I apologised to everyone in the queue.
Had you eaten some sort of white-wine smoothie protein shake?
No, I'd had warm pineapple juice.
Oh, that'll clear you out.
I'd left a pineapple juice on the side in the sun,
and I thought,
And it came out of me in under 15 minutes.
That is a digestive transit. That is incredible, really.
And with David, of course, its Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Susie recently started a new podcast,
and he: first guest was )on Richardson.
For health and safety reasons
I would ask that you don't listen to it whilst driving.
Well, you had jon as a guest on your podcast. Yeah.
What did you two talk about?
We talked about wombat poo.
You guys would have been fine, because wombat poo is cube—shaped.
JOE: I know that. What? Yeah. Yeah.
And then we talked about how difficult it was
to get white goods repaired.
Did we? Yeah. I don't remember that.
Well, you probably nodded off — it doesn't sound great.
And in charge of the numbers, its Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rachel has recently returned to Countdown from maternity leave,
so she spent a year taking it easy
and then she went on maternity leave.
Rachel, we know you're good at numbers —
what are some things you're really bad at?
The worse thing for me is my singing.
I once had a microphone confiscated during karaoke.
Can we get... Can we get a little... No. No, no, but just...
No, no. I've got a cot —
when the baby was born I got a cot that you press a button,
and it listens for when she cries and when she cries it kind of
shushes her and it escalates up four levels.
And I was singing her a lullaby once and it started
because it thought she was crying.
Can we get a little bit of...? No, no.
No, but I wanna hear something. I need to.
No. You can't just say "I'm a bad singer" and then just leave us...
Can't you just... You give her a feed line, Jimmy.
Duet! Duet? Duet! Duet!
Well, I've got a beautiful voice.
No, I don't believe you've got a good voice. No way.
What do you mean I haven't... Why are you saying I don't have a good voice? No way.
# Where it began
# I can't begin to know it... #
Oh, you sing like a wanker!
You came in so fast, like you'd been waiting all night.
You went... # |—| can si—I—ing. #
Do another one! All right — name a tune,
I'm trying to think of a song I know all the way through.
Moon River! Moon River, yeah. Come on, do Moon River, ya tosser!
I'll do it randomly at some point during the show.
We're not moving on until... We're not moving on until we get Moon River!
If I don't look at them, I think I can do it. He's about to do it!
Come on, you can do it. We believe in you.
I can't.
Yeah, but you've got to just... just go for it. OK.
Huhhh!
Well, that's not helping!
Don't look, I think we've got a real shot at this.
You've got to come in quick, I can't hold it for that long!
I came in too quick last time and I was ridiculed.
It's when you look romantically down the camera
like you're sat on a stool.
OK, I'm going to randomly sing Moon River at some point instead.
But now — the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this —
the Countdown wheelie trainers!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow, this is good.
Oh, God, he's off!
Good luck getting those off him.
What size is Fabio? I want them. What size is Fabio?
It's about seven inches on the slack.
"He's about seven inches on the slack."
# Moon... # LAUGHTER
# Wider than a mile... #
We haven't even started playing Countdown yet!
"He fucking pulled out and there was shit all over it."
# Come fly with me... #
He really wants to sing!
He wants to be taken seriously!
He's sat watching the Alexander Armstrong adverts at Christmas.
"It could a been me!"
Let's Countdown.
# Mo... # Perfect time to sing.
Why? I know, I talked over it.
It sounded like he was going to be sick. "Urgh..."
I just want to get to judges' Houses,
I don't even care about winning.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
Jon, Nabil, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant.
Thank you, Nab“.
P
Er... Vowel.
A
Consonant.
T
Consonant.
F
Vowel.
I
Consonant.
IVI
Consonant.
L
Vowel.
U
Consonant, please.
And the last one...
I\I
OK, your time starts now.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
jon, how many? Just a three.
And Nabil? I think I might have a seven unless I'm imagining.
Go on'. Go on, Nab“!
A very risky seven. Roisin, how many you got?
Four. OK, joe?
A risky eight.
OK, jon, what's your three?
Well, I'm not sure how you pronounce it,
but it's M—U—N.
# Moo... #
No.
That sounded like a grumpy cow!
# Moo! #
OK, Roisin, your four?
LUMP
Nice.
Nab“, your seven'?
FATLUMP
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
JOE, your eight?
It's risky — NAP.
— For eight? — Oh, yeah —
yeah, that's why it's risky — I don't think it's eight.
OK, so this is a bit of a turn up,
because the only person with points in that round,
Roisin Conaty — four points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
PLATINUM was up there, as well, wasn't it?
Oh, James! Yeah, PLATINUM for eight.
— Is that yours, jimmy? — Bloody hell, that's a long word.
No, she just wrote it up there. Oh.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Joe, Roisin — your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top. Yes. And the rest. The rest.
El classico.
Right, here we are. Four little ones — we've got
8, 6,
7 and another 6,
and the big ones — 100 and 50.
Oh, yeah, I like those two — they're the easiest.
Glad it...pleases you.
Target — ooh, 981.
It's too far away. OK, your time starts now.
It's too far away. Seriously, it's too...
OK, so the target was 981.
Joe, did you get it? Yeah.
OK, great. Roisin, did you get it? Yeah.
Jon, did you get it? Absolutely nowhere near.
We might be lying, then. OK, Nabil, did you get it? Almost.
OK, so two people have told the truth and two people have lied here,
and I think I can see what's happened. Roisin.
I haven't got it, Jimmy. I think I have.
OK, how did you do it?
100+5OX6
900
Yeah. Ooh.
+ 100
You've already used the 100.
6x8
4-8
And, er...
948+7
You've got 955 — and be grateful!
Thanks.
Yeah. Nabil, how close did you get?
So, I didn't do the last bit, so what I did was, err...
7x100
7x100 = 700
+6x5O
6X50=3OO
Oh, hello.
Yeah, so add 700 and 300 together.
1,000.
8x6
8X6=48
And subtract that from the 1,000.
952.
Why would you do that? We got better.
Could it be done, Rachel?
I'm still trying to get it.
No points for anyone —
AND Rachel might be losing her job.
Wheeey!
So, far ym and Nab“ have no points,
Roisin and joe have four points.
Ha—ha, ha!
And here is your teaser.
The words are WIPED NIP, the clue is — take a deep breath.
That's WIPED NIP, take a deep breath. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were WIPED NIP,
the clue was — take a deep breath.
It was, of course, WINDPIPE. OK,
they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just
for Roisin and jon. Roisin, your turn to choose.
Consonant, please.
IVI
A, uh, consonant, please.
T
A consonant, please.
S
Vowel, please, Rachel.
O
A vowel, please, Rachel.
I
Vowel, please, Rachel.
E
Vowel, please, Rachel.
A
Two more consonants, please.
And C
and R. Do you want chocolates snacks, anything, anyone?
Oh! Yeah. I'll get some. OK, your time starts now.
THUMPING
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Shit.
# Moon... #
No. OK, er, jon, how many?
Ah, let's try a seven.
OK, Roisin, how many?
Seven.
Has anyone got a 50p? I need to get out.
Shall we push over a vending machine?
All right, I've got snacks for people,
Roisin, I've got you,
I've got you a Milky Carr, you want a Milky Carr?
Sure, thank you.
Jesus Wept!
APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Jon, I got you a Short And Curly Wurly.
Cos you're short and you've got pubes on your head.
And, Nabil, I got you a Wispa Gold
Buzzer But Then Lost In The Final.
Joe, I got you, er, I got you some Chocolate Fingers cos
I know you like putting your fingers up your bum.
Merci! You know me too well.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Roisin, your seven? CRAMITE.
Ooh! Susie, is CRAMITE in there?
Er, no, CRAMITE is not in, unfortunately.
Km'? COATERS.
Oooh! Yeah! Is that one? COATERS.
COATERS will be fine. Seven to jon!
That's great.
David, Susie, could they have done any better? Um, yes, MORTISES.
MORTICES. Is that to do with locks?
Yes, mortice and lock, mortice and tenon.
And then MATRICES. MATRICES.
As in all of the Matrix movies.
Yes.
OK, so at the end of that, Roisin and joe have four,
)on and Nab“ have seven.
Yes! Huge scoring there.
I'm happy with that, happy with that.
Fight, now fime for he and Nab“ to go head-to-head.
OK, your turn to choose the numbers, Nabil.
Could I have a big number? Yes.
And a small one.
Big. How many more do I need? Three.
OK, small,
small,
small.
10, 4, 6...
JOE: Yes!
...2, 1OO and 25.
Oh, that's a dream! JOE: Oh, quality!
And the target, 143.
Yes!
No! OK, your time starts now.
What you've gotta remember is he's an idiot.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
Not as easy as it looks, is it?
Oh, shit.
So, Nabil, did you get it?
I think so.
OK, and, joe, did you get it? Yes, yes, absolutely.
OK, how did you get it? joe?
100 + '25
125
+10
135
OK, joe, what next?
Plus...plus the, er,
+6+2
Yeah, just an adding test, that one.
CHEERING
I like the fact he didn't know he got it, though.
Er, Nabil, did you get it?
I don't know.
OK, how did you do it?
So, I...
100 + 25
JOE: Oh, yeah, bit sus.
And then make up the rest, you bullshitter!
2x6
So, add the 12 to 125.
137. Add the ten and subtract the four.
Yeah. jOE: Fucking hell.
Ten points to both teams.
Time to go now across to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us?
Well, I think a lot about what
to do on Dictionary Corner... DRUMBEAT STARTS
...and it's mostly how do I want people to feel?
And the answer it always the same.
# I just want to make you feel alive that's all I want
# How often in your life are you truly alive?
# Like you know when you've forgotten you had a Berocca
# And you take a pee and you're like
# "Oh, my dick's a laser! Oh, no, I had a Berocca"
# Truly alive, like when you fall asleep on the train
# And you wake up you're like "Oh, I've missed my stop"
# And then the train pulls into your stop
# Yes, it's my stop! And I had a little snooze
# Truly alive
# Like a first kiss or a last kiss
# Or when a baby laughs at a funeral
# ls there a more powerfully life—affirming moment
# Than a baby not giving a shit at a funeral?
# Everyone else like "boohoo"
# And the baby's like "Ah—ha—ha—ha!"
# You're right, baby Life goes on
# Truly alive, like when your printer is out of paper
# And it's gasping for one more sheet
# It's like "hurgh, hurgh, hurgh"
# And you get a sheet out of the bin
# And it goes like, "Uh, bzzzzzh, yeah!"
# Truly alive, like when you see a really, really old person
# Post-pandemic doing anything
# Come on!
# My neighbour is called Des and he's 92
# And every morning he puts on a suit and gets on his bike
# And cycles off to get two sausages, two sausages
# How do I know? Cos he comes back with them tied
# Onto the handlebars and they're dangling like a ball bag
# Truly alive
# Like sometimes you're watching this show
# It's so good, you're like, "Ah—a!"
# It's so good you don't want it to end
# And at the end you're like "Ah!
# "Aww," that's what I want this to be like
# I want this to be so good that the rest of our life's
# An anti-climax Will that happen? I don't know
# But let's just get on with the rest of this show. # Thank you.
David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are THE CRAPS, and the clue is —
one more before bed. That's THE CRAPS,
one more before bed. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.
The words were THE CRAPS, the clue was one more before bed.
It was of course CHAPTERS.
OK, its time now for a quick bonus round.
I'm proud to say that we have some of the thickest people on TV
on this show tonight.
So, let's play one of my favourite quizzes,
Didn't Go to University Challenge.
JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS
The team with the most correct answers at the end of this win five points.
Here's your first question.
We all know the parenting forum Mumsnet,
but which of these is a genuine name of
a thread on Mumsnet?
Oh, God.
Is it"?
OK, you can confer with your team-mate,
write down your answers. Is it A, B, C or D? One of them is real.
He's an absolute bit of sauce.
OK, er, jon, Nabil, what are you gonna go for?
Parps, always back a parp.
Always back a parp. OK, does Rachel Riley keep doing parps during Countdown? You're going for that,
OK. Er, what you are you gdmg for, Raisin, he'?
I want to go with Jon's an absolute piece of arse.
Well, I can tell you the answer is D.
"Am I the only one to get the horn over jon Richardson?"
He's a piece of arse. He's a piece of arse. Top nerd.
And just to prove it,
I've got an extraordinary post from the thread.
Oh, my God. Bountiful tonight,
first Room 101, now 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Jon just needs a damn good seeing to and a cuddle.
LAUGHTER, WHOOPING
Not far off.
How do you feel about, you know,
someone being hungry for the Rico on Mumsnet?
It's just a depressing thing, isn't it, to be told like...?
Oh, it's weird, innit?
She's not saying it's weird, is she? She wasn't saying it was weird.
"Am I the only one to get the horn" sort of implies,
well, we obviously all agree
he's a weird little troll?
No, I think she's gone onto...isn't it a website for parents
and she's like gone into a meeting, effectively,
they're like, "What nappies do you use?" And she's like,
"Does anyone else wanna bang Jon Richardson?"
She's like that. Cos it's on Mumsnet suggests it's a sort of motherly,
I bet there be loads of like "I'd put him in nappies
"and make him suckle at my teat.
You cocky bugger.
Jon, would you like to hear another steamy post about you from
the thread?
"I think he'd be hard work
"but a good challenge. I'd fucking ruin him."
All the lads from the rugby club.
All right, next question in Didn't Go To University Challenge.
Time for a music round. Ladies and gentlemen,
can you please welcome Fabio.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Er, Fabio, as you can see, is in the middle of a silent disco.
All I want you is to tell me is what song is he dancing to?
So, here's your first one, go.
Is it an audio book? jon, Nabil, what are you saying?
# If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. #
OK, ah.
# Uh-uh oh, oh-oh-oh. #
joe, Roisin?
Er, God Save The Queen.
OK, let's have a listen.
# Cos if you like it, then, you should have put a ring on it
# If you like it, then, you should have put a ring on it
# Don't be mad once you see that he want it
# If you like it, then, you should have put a ring on it. #
OK, next one.
What on earth is that?
OK. jon, Nabil, any idea? What's he dancing to?
Can't Touch This, MC Hammer.
OK, and, joe, Roisin, what do you think?
Moon River.
You're saying Moon River, are you?
Yeah, he's doing it fast.
Let's have a listen.
MUSIC: U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer
Oh, you're good, Nab“! Very good'.!
# Stop! Hammer time! #
Did you curtsey?!
Yeah, that was a curtsy he did.
He did a curtsy, yeah.
He think's he's meeting the Queen.
OK, next one.
You should have gone before you came out.
Oh, 0h, I know! Come On And Do The Conga.
# La-la-la-la. #
By Black Lace. # Come on and do the conga. # Is it Black Lace?
# Drink warm pineapple Shit your pants. #
I can tell you that is the right answer.
# Do, do, do Come on and do the conga
# Choo—choo—choo That train across the floor. #
All right, last one.
Are you cold?
Don't make eye contact.
# Don't have to...be beaut... # No.
What, sorry? Give us a bit more of that, what was it?
# Don't have to beautiful... # But it's not that one.
# To be my girl. #
What a lovely tribute to Prince.
George Michael... # I'm never gonna dance again. #
Ooh! Let's have a listen.
MUSIC: Careless Whisper by George Michael
This is turning into Nabil's specialist round.
The black guy knows about dancing, who would have thought?!
Er, Fabio everyone.
Give him a round of applause.
# Moo... # No.
You've got to, we're not leaving this show until you do Moon River
and it's gotta be... We'll just do a pick-up where we keep saying,
"Jimmy, do an impression of a cow."
At the end of that, ton and Nab“ have won the quiz.
Five points to them.
Ah. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Er, on with the game. jon, Nabil, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
C
Let's have a vowel.
O
And a consonant, please.
Oh! One for jimmy!
VG
What noise does a cow make?
# Moo... #
A vowel, please.
I
And another vowel, please.
A
Consonant, please, Rachel.
S
And another consonant, please.
L
And another consonant, please.
H
Ooh, and another consonant, please.
And the last one — T.
And your time starts now.
OK, jon, how many?
Four. Nab“, how many'?
Five. Roisin, how many?
Four.
Joe? Seven.
Roisin, your four?
WAIT
Four was...you were playing for time. Oh, WAIT?
Yeah.
OK, um, jon, your four.
SHIT
You could have had COWSHIT.
Someone has!
I was born for this game.
APPLAUSE
This is the saddest news I've ever had to deliver
but cow shit's two words so...
No, it's not in anyway.
And Nab“?
CLASH. Ooh! Five points to Nabil.
APPLAUSE
David, Susie, could they done any better?
Susie found STOICAL as well.
So, at the end of that, jon and Nabil are in the lead
with 27.
OK, time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
David O'Doherty, what have you got for us?
Well, it is,
it's my parents' wedding anniversary today,
Jim and Ann.
Jim is a jazz musician and Ann is the full—time carer
for a jazz musician,
and we used to watch Countdown together,
so I thought I'd take this opportunity to do a song
for Mum and Dad.
# Mum and, Dad I'm so lucky to still have you around
# I want to know every lesson you've picked up along life's way
# But whenever I'm about to ask, you say
# How do I print a Google?
# What channel is Netflix on?
# It's not a channel
# What's the password to the family What ls App?
# OK, first thing, there's no password
# Secondly it's just WhatsApp, Mum
# But there's no apostrophe, it should be What ls App
# I know, Mum, Things are slipping
# David, what's a me-me?
# Oh, Jesus
# Where is the cloud?
# I don't know Should we get TikToks?
# Absolutely not
# David, I think I'm stuck
# On the dark web
# What? Let me see that
# You've just turned your colour balance down
# David, do you think your old man's an idiot?
# I was able to sort it out this morning
# I got an email, get this, there was a fire at the bank
# And they've lost all of our personal details
# NO, Dad, not this again!
# Just don't give them the three numbers on the back
# They've lost the three numbers on the... Oh, God!
# David, remember when I said that my computer was running a bit slow?
# And you said to close all the windows
# Oh, no, Mum
# It's very hot in the house now
# I think I'll just come over
# We'll have a tea and maybe watch Countdown
# The actual one. #
David O'Doherty, everyone.
OK, here is your final teaser. The words are WANK TREE.
No, hang on, they're not.
Let's get some decorum. Yeah.
And here's your final teaser, the words are WANK TIRE.
Ah, you know what? Fuck this show.
And here is your final teaser, the words are WANK TIRE.
The clue is — it's starting to itch.
That's WANK TIRE, it's starting to itch. See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
The words were WANK TIRE, the clue was — it's starting to itch,
it was, of course, KNITWEAR.
You've ruined the word knitwear for me now.
It's one of my key words and now every time I think of
the word knitwear, I'm gonna think of you saying WANK TIRE.
But not if you go straight into Moon River. Go.
Oh. OK, time for our final letters game,
Roisin, joe, your turn to choose.
Consonant, please. Thanks, Joe.
/
And a vowel, please.
E
Ah, a consonant, please.
S
Consonant, please.
G
A vowel, please.
I
Oh, joe, could you keep it down cos Fabio's trying
to get some rest?
He's very sleepy after the dance thing.
WHISPERS: Consonant.
Sh.
/
And could I have another consonant?
X. Oh, fuck.
This is a fucking terrible selection. What are you doing?
Say sorry to Rachel.
Sorry.
I didn't ask to be born.
Consonant.
Oh, bugger. Oh, God, Joe.
G. You berk.
Right, your 30 seconds starts now.
On tonight's show, jon Richardson! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Roisin Conaty... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUE
Nabil Abdulrashid...
Joe Wilkinson...
David O'Doherty...
Susie Dent...
Rachel Riley,
and your host, the most smartest and the most funniest man on TV,
it's Fabio!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Fabio, love, wake up. I just can't wake him.
Awww!
Go on, fuck off.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Er, Roisin, how many? Four.
Joe? Four.
Jon? I'll try a six.
Sure. Nab“? Seven.
Roisin, your four.
GEGS. What, sorry?
Greggs but when you're drunk.
GEGS
OK, Joe?
BIGS. Susie, is BIGS in there?
Yeah, as in she BIGS me up always,
Yeah, it's there as a verb.
Nabil's got a seven.
Yeah, I thought I had BESIEGED but I'm missing an E.
No, OK. jon.
IBEXES. Well done.
Ah, this is... I mean,
It's only a six, but it's an incredible six.
Mumsnet are gonna be spunking all over you again.
Susie, IBEXES, what's IBEXES?
An Ibex is a wild mountain goat.
Well, six points to jon. IBEXES — mountain goats.
Anything else impressive up there?
IBEXES is as good as we're getting here.
Er, my partner in Dictionary Corner also got BEIGES.
So, Roisin and joe have 14, jon and Nabil have 33.
Still in it.
Fingers on buzzers. It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
BUZZER Sorry, I just like the way that feels.
Your time starts now.
Ah! BUZZER
Ah, incredibly smug face.
That's the thing I hate is my face.
I'll do it like Phantom Of The Opera.
Go on, you can tell us, what is it?
PAN ELLIST
Let's have a look.
It is PANELLIST, yeah.
APPLAUSE
OK, so the scores, the final scores,
Roisin and joe have 14 —
they're lucky to have that — and Nabil and jon have 43.
That'll do, that'll do.
So, congratuhfions, )on and Nab“,
you're now the proud owners of these,
the Countdown wheely trainers!
Thanks to all our panel lists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight!
MUSIC: Moon River
CHEERING
# Moo... #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media