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"The Herdmans were absolutely
"the worst kids in the history of the world."
They lied.
They stole.
Come back here!
They smoked cigars.
Even the girls.
They hit little kids.
Even if the little kids were bigger than them.
Hey!
They took the Lord's name in vain.
Oh, my God!
They cussed teachers.
They even set fire
to Fred Shoemaker's old, broken-down tool shed.
To be fair, the shed was ugly
and was about to fall over anyway.
My father said, "Burning it down
"was the only good thing the Herdmans ever did,
"and if they'd known it was a good thing,
"they wouldn't have done it at all."
They were just so all-around awful,
you could hardly believe they were real.
No one knew why they were that way.
It seemed they just came out of the womb mean.
And speaking of that womb,
us kids have never seen their parents.
Some thought they'd given up and run away.
My theory was that they were the first parents to be kidnapped
tied up, and robbed by their own kids.
Ralph,
Leroy,
Claude,
Ollie,
Gladys,
and the toughest one of them all, Imogene.
All the same, except for different sizes
and different black-and-blue marks
where they had clonked each other.
Okay, everybody, find your seats.
I hope you're ready for Show and Tell.
My first Shower-and-Teller will be...
Me.
Okay. Ollie Herdman is first.
I'm... Wait.
It's my cat.
Spike.
What's all the fuss about?
I can't see. I can't see.
That's me.
Hey!
Did I mention they stole?
What do you want?
This necklace?
Or your neck? Hmm?
I chose my neck.
I usually avoided trouble,
but apparently my favourite locket got her attention.
Imogene was their unchallenged leader.
She struck mortal fear into anyone in her path,
including adults.
She especially didn't like Alice.
- Hey, Nits. - Ow!
Probably because Alice
was the exact opposite of Imogene.
All the way down to her...
Your hands smell like soap again.
Hiding your nits?
It was head lice, and it was one time at summer camp.
But Imogene never forgets.
- The Herdmans are just... - I know.
The Herdmans are absolutely
the worst kids in the history of the world.
What'd they do now, dear?
My mum gave me that locket.
Nothing.
The usual.
Set something on fire?
Dump soapy water down a school hallway?
Steal your lunch and then punch you for not havin' any sweets?
Something like that.
Do your homework tonight. Big day tomorrow.
- Gettin' the Christmas tree. - Great, Dad.
I'm sure the Herdmans will find some way to ruin it.
That's not very jolly.
God, this is a selfish prayer.
I know I shouldn't pray it, but...
can you send the Herdmans
somewhere far away until I grow up?
Somewhere without many people.
Maybe an island with no people at all.
And violent, dangerous creatures.
Either do that, or make me invisible until college.
That would fix it.
Thanks, God.
Sorry for this awful prayer.
We figured the Herdmans were headed straight for Hell
by way of the state prison
until they got mixed up with my mother,
our church, and our big Christmas pageant.
That's my family.
My dad, Bob, full-time accountant,
my mum, Grace, full-time mum,
my brother, Charlie, full-time smart alec.
Every year.
Okay. Honey.
Little help, please. Sweetheart?
Normal family in a normal town.
And this is our town.
It doesn't have much.
The one thing our town was known for
was our church's annual Christmas pageant.
It was a big deal.
Even bigger this year because of the anniversary.
I'll tell you everything you need to know
about the Emmanuel Annual.
This is the very first one,
the year our church in our town opened.
Legend has it, the pageant used to mean something
and that everyone in town was excited to see it.
They wanted to be reminded
of the beauty of the Christmas story
But I'm not sure the pageant was all that beautiful any more.
This is us last year.
That's Alice, you met her earlier,
in her third year playing Mary.
And that's Mrs Armstrong,
who's directed the pageant for forever
and makes sure nothing ever changes, ever.
In my opinion, after the 74th same old pageant,
it had all the depth and joy of a recycled Christmas card.
But keeping it the same
is exactly how the town wanted it.
Because it was the 75th,
there was even more attention than normal.
People from other towns were coming.
Former cast members.
It was even in the paper.
And the Ladies Aid was helping with the costumes
to make them nicer than normal.
- Is that level? - Tilting to the left.
- How about... How about now? - Oh, that's worse.
- Finally... - What?
...in local news, 'tis the season to remind you
of the annual Christmas pageant in the town of Emmanuel,
which will actually fall on Christmas Day this year.
They're advertising on TV now?
Attendance and giving are down at church.
The town needs visitors.
I think they're desperate.
Okay, just tell me when it's right.
You don't have to tell me it's wrong.
I'll just assume that it's wrong,
and you tell me if it stops being wrong.
That's level.
These are kind of hot.
- Hold on. - What?
- There. - They got...
So, it's time to tell you something about my mum.
It's hard to sum up what she does in a single sentence.
Whether it was doing our annual Christmas decorating together
or making sure we participated in the Christmas pageant,
even if we didn't want to,
she kept our family on track.
That was her main focus in life,
but that was about to change right now.
- Careful. - What's going on?
- Is that a Herdman fire? - That's the Armstrong house.
Oh, no.
Mrs Wendelken. Alice's mum,
the queen bee of the town supermums,
whose single glance...
That's the one.
...could make my mum feel small.
- Tuck in your shirt. Oh. - It's under my coat.
You're gonna be okay.
Helen, are you in much pain?
- Yes. Terrible. - I'm so sorry. What happened?
I took a spill. Never mind how.
Broke both of her legs.
- Both of them? - Yes, both.
Call Mr Armstrong at the factory.
And shut off the cooker under my potatoes
or the whole house'll burn down.
Inform the Ladies Aid, I will not be at the meeting.
We need to find a replacement for the bazaar.
- Okay, that's a lot. - And the Potluck Committee.
And the Beautification Committee.
- Of course. - And the Christmas pageant.
I'll need someone who can follow my plan.
- Rebecca? - Yes.
You could do that. Especially because of Alice.
I can't, obviously.
I'm too busy with my job and the other committees.
But don't worry, Helen. We'll find someone.
I suppose I could try.
That's okay, Grace.
The pageant is an especially big deal this year.
You can bring the biscuits. That's your thing.
I'm sorry, "my thing"?
Bringing the biscuits is "my thing"?
Well, your shop-bought brand from last year were so tasty.
You'll be great.
We'll find someone, Helen.
One other thing about my mum,
she preferred keeping life simple.
But if one of the judgy town mums challenged her,
she'd try anything.
Even...
- Mrs Armstrong? - You did what?
You volunteered to direct the Christmas pageant?
She needed help.
Mrs Wendelken was gonna find...
Mrs Wendelken doesn't have to do everything
and those ladies need to know I am perfectly capable...
You realize that Armstrong woman
is gonna be calling this house ten times a day?
You didn't give her our phone number, did you?
You promised she would never have it.
After Mrs Wendelken said that I could just bring biscuits,
it was all a blur.
Now I guess I have to attend.
And watch Charlie the shepherd wearing my bathrobe again.
Oh, no. Did somebody die?
It's worse than that, son.
Your mum is running the Christmas pageant.
I bet you all think this is really funny,
but the Christmas pageant is a tradition,
and it's important and I can manage it just fine.
In fact, I told Mrs Armstrong
it's going to be the best Christmas pageant ever.
I wonder who that is.
This was not good.
The pageant had to be great this year
and as much as I admired her for stepping up,
Mum had never done anything like this before
and didn't know what or who she was up against.
I couldn't stand to see her fail in front of the whole town.
- But... - You got this, Mum.
God, please make it a good pageant
so Mum doesn't get blamed.
Now, why did I spend so much time
telling you all about the Herdmans
and our town's lather, rinse, repeat Christmas pageant?
What could one possibly have to do with the other?
You'll see.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
As you know, once a month, we ask the Sunday School
to be in service for the first 15 minutes
and do something special.
Sing a song, act out a parable, or recite some Bible verses.
Before we bring them up,
I'm sure you heard about
Mrs Armstrong's unfortunate accident.
She is recovering.
But I want to be sure to give special mention to Grace,
for volunteering to direct the Christmas pageant.
We are all very grateful,
especially with all the attention
the pageant is getting this year.
So good luck. No pressure.
All right, this month,
Ms Warren asked the kids
to share what they liked best about church.
Ms Warren.
Go ahead, sweetie.
So just up there. Yep, big voice.
What I like best about Sunday School
is the good feeling I get when I go there.
All right, Minnie, you're up. Go ahead. Voice loud.
I love to sing hymns, and I love Jesus.
So cute.
Charlie, how 'bout you?
What I like best about church is...
there aren't any Herdmans here.
Charlie'll tell you some other things he likes next time.
Happy Sunday.
What? There are other things I like,
but she said, "What you like best."
And what I like best is no Herdmans.
Hey, that's not a very Christian sentiment.
It's the truth. And you say, "Always tell the truth."
When your dad says that,
he means not at the expense of kindness.
- Nailed it. - Pulled that out of your...
The truth was, the last three days in a row,
Leroy Herdman stole the dessert from Charlie's lunch box.
Give it up, Charlie!
Why Charlie? I guess it was his turn this month.
Day three of the siege, Charlie surrendered.
Fine, take it. I don't care.
I get all the snacks I want from church, anyway.
What kinds of snacks?
Chocolate cake, sweetie bars, biscuits, Kool-Aid, ice cream,
doughnuts, popcorn balls.
So go ahead. Church gives me everything I need.
Too bad you'll never know.
You'd melt if you ever showed up in a church.
Charlie's lie couldn't have backfired more spectacularly.
That Sunday was our food drive.
Good morning. Thank you for coming. Nice to see you.
Hello.
Good to see you. Thank you for coming.
You sure we got the right place?
They're here.
Oh, my goodness.
We can do this.
Just keep smiling.
- Where do you get the cake? - Cake?
Yeah. Right over there, that's it.
Good idea, Leroy. We can work with this.
Are you here for Sunday School?
A-ha! More school, he says. I knew there'd be a catch.
Come on, let's get outta here.
No, no, no. It's not like regular school.
You'll learn about Jesus and you'll sing songs about Him.
- Are your parents here? - Mum's working.
We were told there'd be desserts.
Free desserts to anyone who wants 'em.
I'm sure I could rustle you up something special
after service, if you'd like to stay.
I will show you where it is.
Oh, boy.
Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Uh-oh.
Beth, you'd be happy to have them sit by you, right?
Great. Come now.
Well, we haven't melted yet.
So they stayed.
Jesus loves me...
They didn't sing any hymns.
For the Bible...
Our Father, who art in heaven...
...or say prayers.
Baby Jesus...
But they did practise their drawing skills.
And made a little money.
All right, kids.
We're going to be starting rehearsals soon
for our Christmas pageant.
So please be sure to let your parents know
they'll need to stay after church with you next week
for all the details.
I do hope you'll be in the choir again this year.
- Your voice, it's so... - Grief, Alice.
I'm not gonna try and play Mary
just because my mum's running the pageant.
We want all of you to be there.
Hey, what's a pageant?
- It's a play. - A play?
You know, like a film.
- But in front of people. - A film, huh?
The Herdmans were big filmgoers.
Come here, you little...
Though they never paid their own way.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop! Stop! Stop!
Hey. Hey, hey, hey... Don't... Stop. Stop.
Stop fighting. Hey! Hey, hey. Okay. Okay.
Hey! Enough! Dude. Hey!
Everyone shows up to watch.
It's about Jesus.
Everything here is.
After that comment,
I figured she didn't care much about the Christmas pageant.
But I was wrong.
And at summer camp, they have a super-fast boat.
It's way faster than a car.
I've only ever been on a canoe.
And then there's this raft we dive off of.
- I can do the swan dive. - Sounds fun.
And then you get eaten by a bear.
So, Nits, Wallflower, you ready for this?
I'm gonna be in your pageant this year.
- You're what? - Nits heard me.
I'm gonna be in your Bible play.
What? You can't be in the pageant.
I'm gonna be Baby Jesus's mum.
You're too dirty to play Mary, Imogene Herdman.
Everyone knows.
Alice!
- Who's Mary? - Baby Jesus's mum.
Which everyone knows except you.
And I'm always Mary in the pageant
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Sweetie, you're gonna tell 'em you don't wanna do it.
You want me to be Mary.
And why would I do that?
'Cause if you don't, then next spring,
when the pussy willows come out,
I'm gonna stick a pussy willow
so far down your pretty little ear,
they won't be able to get it out.
It'll sprout there and grow and grow.
And you'll spend the rest of your life
with a pussy willow bush growing right out of your head.
Believe it or not, she'd done it before.
- Get off me! Ow! - Okay. Just one sec. One sec.
What?
What are you lookin' at?
Why would you even want to be in the pageant?
None of your business.
While the little kids were all tired,
and the big kids were all hungry,
and the mothers all wanted to go home and cook dinner
and the fathers all wanted to go home
and watch the game on TV,
the Herdmans sat quietly, waiting for my mum to begin.
And I was praying for a miracle that Imogene would stay quiet
and the Herdmans wouldn't burn anything down
and ruin my mum's rehearsal
and embarrass us in front of everyone.
Okay, that's three miracles.
Well, hello, everyone.
This won't take very long.
All right, just a moment.
This is from a lot of calls this week.
Okay.
First, as Mrs Armstrong always says,
"There are no small parts, only small actors."
What does that mean?
I honestly don't know.
Okay, we don't have many rehearsals,
so you must all try to be present at every one.
- What if we get sick? - You won't get sick.
Now, you little children over here,
you will be angels.
"The older boys and girls will be shepherds
"and guests at the inn and members of the choir.
"And we need Mary and Joseph,
"the Three Wise Men, and the Angel of the Lord.
"They aren't hard parts, but they're important parts.
"So those kids must absolutely come to every rehearsal." Oh.
What if they get sick?
- They won't get sick either. - But what if they do?
Nobody is getting sick, David.
"We always start with Mary.
"We must choose Mary carefully
"because Mary is the mother of Jesus.
"She should be a sweet, happy little girl, who..."
Okay, enough of this.
I know many of you would like to play Mary in our pageant,
but we only need one.
Imogene, do you have a question?
No. I wanna be Mary.
And Ralph wants to be Joe.
It was like a detective film
where a nice little old lady shoves a gun in the bank window
and says, "Give me all your money,"
and you can't believe it.
My mother couldn't believe it.
We have to give everyone a chance.
Does anyone else wanna volunteer for Joseph?
Elmer? You usually like playing Joseph.
Elmer hated playing Joseph.
But his dad was the minister,
so he made him when nobody else volunteered.
Nobody else ever volunteered.
Well, that's very surprising. Anybody else?
All right.
Ralph will be our Joseph.
Would anyone else like to volunteer for Mary?
Alice, don't you want to volunteer this year?
No.
Anybody?
Mum was in a terrible spot. The worst.
The parents, the pageant, the church, the whole town,
they'd blame Mum if the pageant imploded.
Would I step up to help?
What I would do next would determine
the fate of the pageant to this very day.
Okay.
Imogene will be our Mary.
We have Wise Men next.
Leroy, Claude and Ollie wanna play them.
Okay, now we have to give everyone a chance, Imogene.
Everyone's had their chance.
They've had all kinds of chances.
- And the Angel of the Lord? - Gladys.
Me!
Robby! Robby!
Michelle.
You raise that hand.
Suppose that's that, then.
We need the shepherds.
Charlie, you're in.
David and Robby?
I just remembered, we're going to Philadelphia.
- We are not! - I'll probably be sick.
I'll put you both down for probably.
Mum, Gladys Herdman hits too hard.
My goodness, Gladys isn't going to hit anyone.
What an idea!
The Angel of the Lord visits the shepherds in the field
and tells them that Jesus is born.
And hits them.
I don't wanna hear another word about it.
No shepherds will quit or get sick.
Or go to Philadelphia.
Ow!
I felt terrible for my mum. And some of it was my fault.
Here she was, five minutes into covering for Mrs Armstrong
and the Herdmans had hijacked the entire pageant.
I'd been afraid it'd be the same old thing,
and now I'd do anything for it to be boring again.
Word about what happened spread faster
than a Herdman-set grass fire.
Kids told their parents, parents called their neighbours
and neighbours called their relatives.
How could you let this happen? How could...
Does anyone have a paper bag?
It's not fair that a whole family
who doesn't even go to our church
just barged in and took over the pageant.
Injustice was done.
We all agree it was a travesty.
Because the Herdmans volunteered for the pageant?
She is referring to the grievous assault
on the impartial casting process yesterday.
With all due respect, nothing about the process
has ever been impartial, Mrs Armstrong.
And as for a grievous assault,
I literally pleaded with your children to participate.
We were paralysed with shock.
But you spoke.
It came in waves.
I'm sorry, but we're using
really big words to talk about a pageant
where the kids just have to stand
in the same spot they stand in every year.
We take it seriously.
So do I, Mrs Slocum, that's why I volunteered.
Judging by who you cast as Mary, you apparently don't.
Rebecca,
is it possible that, as Alice's mum,
you have a personal interest in who plays Mary?
The pageant is sacred.
Wait.
The pageant is sacred?
- Obviously. - It's about community.
- And fundraising. - And Mother Mary.
- And tradition. - What do you all suggest?
That I kick the Herdmans out of the Christmas pageant
and keep them out of the church?
Yes.
I mean, I can't just kick 'em out.
But they're right. It might be a disaster with the Herdmans.
Now, that's a pageant I'd actually like to see.
Mother Mary puffin' on a cigar,
the shepherds clobbering each other with their hooks.
Five bucks say they burn down the manger.
Why'd you have to tell 'em
they'd get food at church, dummy?
'Cause I didn't think they'd actually
walk into a church building!
I'm surprised they didn't burst into flames.
Sorry I didn't volunteer.
Did I ruin the pageant?
Oh, my goodness, no! Honey...
Beth, I will tell you what I told those condescending,
hyper-controlling busybodies from church,
that while Helen Armstrong might be surprised
the sun rises every morning
even though she's not there to supervise it,
she is not the only woman in the world
who can run a Christmas pageant.
And if they don't think I can do it,
they are in for a big lesson.
You said all that?
Well, not all of it.
- Any of it? - Never mind.
It was the night of the first rehearsal.
The big night for Mum to prove she could make this work.
I was ready to help in any way I could.
But first, as usual, the kids were sent outside
while the parents had prayer time together.
I think it was less about prayer than that they wanted us all
to get our energy out so we'd behave later.
But then...
Now.
Stop.
Hey, kids. They'll be ready for you in a minute.
Have a good rehearsal.
The first rehearsal was usually about as much fun
as a three-hour ride on the school bus.
And just as noisy and crowded.
But after what we'd just faced, no one made a sound
and we just waited quietly to see
what awful thing the Herdmans might do next.
This is why they shouldn't have shown up.
Didn't Reverend Hopkins talk about when Jesus said,
"Suffer the little children come unto me"?
Yeah, well, Jesus wouldn't have suffered Herdmans.
- Okay. - Mum?
Do you need help with anything?
Today, we're going to ignore everything except blood.
I'm gonna start soon. Now, go sit down next to Imogene.
Mum!
Your quiet might rub off on her.
Okay, quiet down, everyone.
Good, then.
Okay.
Welcome, everyone. We're glad to see all of you.
That might've been the biggest lie ever said
right out loud in the church.
First, the easy part.
Let's separate everyone into angels
and shepherds and guests at the inn.
Who were the shepherds? Where'd they come from?
- What's an inn? - It's like a motel
where people go to spend the night.
What people? Jesus?
Oh, honestly! Jesus wasn't even born yet!
Mary and Joseph went there.
- Why? - What happened first?
- Begin at the beginning. - The very beginning?
That really scared everyone because the beginning
would be The Book of Genesis,
where it says "In the beginning."
And if we started there, we'd be here for years.
Let's start at the beginning of the Christmas story.
We've all heard it a million times.
I think it's a good idea for all of us to hear it again.
It's a good reminder of what Christmas is all about.
"And Joseph also went up from Galilee,
"out of the city of Nazareth into Judea,
"unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem,
"because he was of the house and lineage of David,
"to be taxed with Mary, his espoused wife,
"being great with child."
- "Great with child"? - Pregnant, stupid.
Ralph, that's enough.
It's not very nice to say that Mary was pregnant.
My mother wouldn't want us talking about that.
It was true.
Mrs Wendelken didn't like
cats having kittens or birds laying eggs,
and she didn't let Alice play with anyone who had two rabbits.
Will ya shut up?
I wanna hear.
I couldn't believe it.
The Herdmans were famous for never sitting still
and never paying attention to anyone,
teachers, parents, police.
Yet something about the Christmas story
had them hanging on every word.
Mary and Joseph had to go in the stable
because there was no room for them at the inn.
My God! Not even for Jesus?
We don't use God's name that way, Imogene.
What's a manger? Is that like a bed for the baby?
Why would they have a bed in a barn?
Well, that's the point, actually, Leroy.
They didn't have a bed in a barn.
They had to use whatever was there.
What would you do if you had a new baby
and no bed to put the baby in?
We put Gladys in a drawer.
There you go.
Mary put the Baby Jesus
in a stone feeding trough for animals.
What were the wadded up clothes?
You said she wrapped Him in wadded-up clothes.
Swaddling clothes.
They used to wrap their babies tightly in a big piece of fabric
so they couldn't move around.
They tied Him up and put Him in a box?
Where was Child Welfare?
"And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came upon them
"and the glory of the Lord shone round about them."
Shazam!
Shazam?
Out of the black night
with horrible vengeance, the Mighty Marvo!
That's the most she's ever spoke.
It's a comic book.
Oh.
Well, then, yes.
I think the Angel of the Lord
is kind of like a comic book hero.
"Now, when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea,
"in the days of Herod the King, behold,
"there came Wise Men from the east to Jerusalem."
That's you, Leroy. Claude, Ollie, pay attention.
Wise how? They teachers or somethin'?
No, dumbbell, they're like presidents.
Let's not hit.
But that's close. They were kings.
Well, it's about time.
Maybe someone'll finally tell that innkeeper where to get off
and get the baby out of the barn.
"And when they were come into the house,
"they saw the young child
"with Mary, His mother,
"and fell down and worshipped Him.
"And when they had opened their treasures,
"they presented unto Him gifts, gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
Hold on. What's that stuff?
Oils and perfume.
Oil? What sort of cheap king hands out oil?
You'd get better presents at the firemen's shelter.
It was King Herod, actually.
He sent the Wise Men to find the Baby Jesus.
Was it him that sent the crummy presents?
It was worse than that, actually.
Herod planned on putting the Baby Jesus to death.
- My God! - Imogene.
Who's playing this Herod, anyway?
We don't show Herod in our pageant.
- What? - What?
- Come on! - No!
You gotta show him getting beat up in the end.
Charlie can be Herod.
- I don't wanna be Herod. - No!
Somebody oughta get the innkeeper too.
- Gladys, use your angel powers. - No, honey, I don't think we...
All right, that's enough. That's enough! That's enough.
Okay, okay.
Please, I need you all to settle down.
- Maybe Jesus can kill Herod. - Shazam!
- Nice painting, huh? - I guess.
That Mary, she was a tough one.
Tough?
Yeah, she went through quite a lot
and overcame big challenges to bring a child into the world.
Doesn't look tough.
Just looks sweet and pretty.
Yeah. In that painting, I guess, yeah.
What do they have the name of our town above the painting for?
Do you know what Emmanuel means?
No.
It means "God with us."
That's what Baby Jesus was.
And you're...
The character you volunteered to play
helped make that happen.
Pretty neat.
I guess.
Anyways...
look, I...
You all asked a lot of good questions tonight.
And it made me wonder...
if maybe you might enjoy watching the Christmas pageant
more than being in it.
You know, you could really
absorb it all, see all the details.
You know what I mean?
No. I'm gonna do this.
I think my character should've set fire to that inn.
Yeah. Maybe in the play,
you can chase the innkeeper to the next country.
Imogene...
I really need them to behave.
If you could help me with that,
I can make sure you have all the dessert you want
when the pageant is over. What do you think?
Heard that before.
Imogene, let's go!
Gotta go.
Oh!
- What happened to you? - Herdmans.
They tried to kill me... again.
That's show business, pal.
I'm at a loss.
I don't see any bruises. That's a victory.
We didn't even rehearse. She just told the Christmas story.
The Herdmans had never heard it.
Just suppose you didn't know anything about it,
and somebody told you.
I'd be more confused about Santa Claus.
What would you think?
Well, the whole thing's a hospitality nightmare.
Pretty pathetic that a pregnant woman shows up
and the only room you can find for her is in the stable.
That's exactly what the Herdmans said.
I never thought about it before. It is pathetic.
We hear all about this warm stable
with animals and the sweet-smelling hay.
My cousins grew up on a farm.
Nothing sweet about that smell.
I have to admit.
Deep down, those kids might just have good instincts.
They wanted to burn Herod alive, Mum.
I said, "Deep down."
They picked the right villain. That's something, right?
What did happen to Herod? I don't even know.
Who would be calling at this...
- Mrs Armstrong. - Mrs Armstrong.
It's the fifth time this hour.
Wendelken told her that you haven't axed the Herdmans yet.
She needs to know what's taking so long.
Sweetheart, the smell of this
just reminds me that you're busy.
God...
I just have a feeling
this is gonna be a real disaster.
You awake, kiddo?
How you doin' with all this?
Are we sure Mum can't replace the Herdmans?
I think it's a little late for that.
And it's all my fault, because I didn't raise my stupid hand.
There was a man much wiser than me that once said,
"You can't add a single hour to your life
"by being anxious about anything."
And that includes putting on a Christmas pageant.
He hadn't met the Herdmans.
Actually...
he knows them better than anyone.
Anyway, would you come with me in the morning to do something?
What kinda something?
Sort of an errand.
I think it'd be good for you to go.
And the whole family.
Somethin' I want you to see.
Okay.
Get some sleep.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Evan. You got it?
Yeah.
- Thanks, Bob. - Thank you. Merry Christmas.
- What's all this for? - Wouldn't you like to know?
I never knew you were a Secret Santa.
Well, it's not exactly a secret.
The Church Charitable Works Committee
has been doing this for decades.
It's a good way to get out of our comfort zone and step up.
Plus, I thought you all would be
especially interested in one of my stops.
I think some of your classmates live here.
Really? This is one of your stops?
You never told me you visited the Herdmans.
Didn't seem of note until this year.
- Beth, you wanna come? - That wouldn't be a good idea.
Okay.
But we all need to remember Christmas comes for everyone.
- It's the ham man! - I want some!
- It's ham day! - Give me some ham! Give it!
Ham day!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
That ham's for Christmas eatin'
and if any of you touch it before then,
I will invent a torture just for you!
- Is your mum home? - Not when the sun's up.
- I'm sorry about that. - It's fine. I know how to cook.
I'm sure you do.
Well, please let her know I stopped by.
I got the biggest ham for you guys.
Merry Christmas.
Give it to me! I want the first bite!
Give it to me! Back off, Imogene!
Get off me, Ralph!
Back up! Back up!
No mum or dad home.
Reverend Hopkins says they don't know
where their mum is half the time.
I heard, when Gladys turned two,
Mr Herdman climbed on a railroad train
and never came back.
- Nobody could blame him. - All right, Beth, that's enough.
I can't believe I listened to those women.
What's on your mind?
What's on my mind is that
Mrs Armstrong and Mrs Wendelken
and everyone else can stuff it.
Whoa.
After all,
they raised their hands, and no one else did.
And that's that.
Ow! What?
How do you get a book out of the library?
Well, you have to have a card.
- Do you have one? - Yeah.
Give it to me.
It doesn't really work like that.
I'll be right with you.
Oh, my.
I don't keep any money here, if that's what you're after.
This is the library, right? Where the books are?
We need the one with Jesus in it.
And His mum.
- And the Wise Men. - And stupid Herod.
It's the one they use in church.
You mean the Bible?
Hi, Mrs Graebner.
Imogene and her brothers would like to get library cards.
Me too!
And her sister.
Beth!
Oh, phew!
- I thought that... - Calm down, lady.
We just need to look some stuff up.
Imogene and Ralph are playing Mary and Joseph in the pageant.
I'm aware. I bought tickets.
Before I found out about it.
They haven't offered any refunds.
And now, you want library cards?
You?
To check out Bibles?
Now I've seen everything. Herdmans in the library.
There's the Christmas story.
Where's the pictures?
Some of these words are weird, but this stuff is gold.
- Ralph, go find a Herod book. - How?
I'll show you the card catalogue.
Don't buy anything!
It's not that kind of catalogue.
Beth's mum was right. This Mary is kind of tough.
The Herdmans searched through book after book,
looking up every question that came to mind.
My fingers were sliced up like a turkey sandwich
from all the times I went back to the card catalogue.
- Pictures. - Pictures in lots of books.
I'd had plenty of homework assignments
where I had to go to the library
but I don't think I was ever as interested in anything
as Imogene was in the Christmas story.
Do you hear me?
The shepherds were just minding their business, and boom!
Yeah, I get it. We're Wise Men, though.
We just walk up with a box of junk.
Why are you making us do all this?
Ollie, what's that film you like with the whale?
Land Ho!
You think that captain guy in Land Ho!
just made up how to build a raft?
- No way. - That's right.
He had to read up.
I thought we were doing this for cake.
It's about the cake, too.
But it's also, like, we get to make a film.
In the films we watch, the actress gets to...
All the actors and actresses get to be someone else.
They get to change who they are and live a different life.
They can get away from their miserable lives
and become someone new.
That's what we get to do.
Yeah.
So I get to be a king.
Yeah. On Christmas Eve, you do.
No way Gladys can be an angel.
Yes, I can!
You can at least try.
Great. And I just get to be some poor guy married to you.
He's someone important enough
that they wrote about him in books.
And I get to be a sweet, pretty...
Then we can get all the food they got.
Plus, now I got a book licence!
You chokin' over there?
I should go home.
Nobody asked you to stay.
Claude likes his licence.
That was about as close to a thank you as I'd ever get.
Sorry I'm late.
All right, let's get into our groups.
Angels, you are...
Oh. Okay, good. And everyone else...
Well... thank you for being on time.
Yes, Claude?
- Can we hang Herod? - No, Claude.
No one's going to die in this pageant.
We have a lot of work to do tonight,
- so let's get to it. - Excuse me.
Why are they still here?
Because they're in the pageant, Rebecca.
And that's how it's going to stay.
Oh, really?
And what would you like me to tell
Mrs Armstrong, Mrs Slocum and the other mothers?
You can tell them
it's going to be the best Christmas pageant ever.
I'm gonna make it work with the Herdmans.
Places, everyone.
Isn't the Angel of the Lord supposed to say something?
Hey!
Yeah, they were still Herdmans
and some people
were not going to forget that for a minute.
Go. Go, go.
Get away from the baby!
Imogene, the Wise Men are here to honour Him
not harm Him, for heaven's sake.
What if we didn't go home a different way?
What if we tell the king where the baby was?
- Old Herod would murder him. - He would not!
I thought about it later, though,
and I decided that if Herod, a king,
set out to murder Jesus, a carpenter's baby son,
and he did know where he was, he would do it.
So, Leroy gave us something to think about.
- Stop! - No Jesus. Ever.
Okay. Let's just take it down a notch, okay?
Stand up. Stand up. I can't hear you guys
when you're all talking at once.
Alice clearly didn't think anything from the Herdmans
was worth thinking about.
Is there a way to make her smile?
No, she doesn't do that.
But at least others seemed to be trying...
in unexpected ways.
Okay. Places, everyone!
Who do I talk to about rewrites?
I heard about rewrites in the films.
Okay, God.
Now it's getting even more scary.
So please do something to help Mum
and save the pageant.
That's all.
Amen.
The last rehearsal
was also the night before the potluck supper.
So the whole church was full of kids and parents
and the members of the Potluck Committee.
Which meant Mrs Slocum had a chance to do a little spying
to find something to disapprove of.
Hello, Mrs Slocum.
Hi!
Sorry about all this.
It's just, with so much to do this time of year,
the Potluck Committee decided to come in tonight
to get the food ready.
I hope we won't bother you.
You won't.
We won't even be near the kitchen.
You won't even know we're here.
Mum was wrong.
Everybody knew we were there before the evening was over.
Okay, everybody, this will be a dress rehearsal.
Who knows what that means?
- Costumes. - Dress-up.
Yes, for some of you.
I don't have any kinda costume.
Just wear your dad's bathrobe. That's what I always do.
My dad doesn't have a bathrobe.
Then what does he wear around the house?
His underwear.
All right.
That's okay. This year, because of the anniversary,
Ladies Aid has helped with nicer costumes.
Yeah.
You can be sweet.
Hello, Imogene.
Aren't you supposed to be in costume?
I will be.
- I'm playing Mary. - Oh.
I couldn't tell.
You don't look like any Mary I've seen before.
Well, gotta go prepare the potluck dinner.
It's for 500 people.
It makes my eyes glow in the light.
Now, the main point of a dress rehearsal
isn't costumes.
It's about getting through the show without stopping.
- Got it? - Got it.
- Okay.
I'm gonna sit upstairs in the audience.
Take it away!
Yay!
Yes.
Big smiles.
Hang on to the railing.
That's good.
Oh, good grief. Everyone, it's showtime!
Imogene. What's wrong? Where's your costume?
Where's the baby?
There is no baby. We're using a doll.
Yeah, I know.
'Cause you couldn't get a real one 'cause of me.
- No. - It was true.
We had lots of babies offered in the beginning.
All the way from Eugene Sloper, who was a promising option,
up to Junior Cottle, who was almost four.
His father said he could scrunch up.
Heard we need a baby. I can help.
Really? That's great. Who?
They've always got two or three babies
in carriages at the supermarket.
I'll just take one.
Imogene, I hope you're kidding.
You know you can't just walk off with someone's baby.
I doubt Imogene did know that.
She walked off with everything else.
But when all the parents heard about the Herdmans,
they withdrew their babies.
- We had hope. - Hello?
Bernice Toole was fostering a three-month-old.
No, it doesn't matter that she's Chinese!
- Thank you, Bernice! - Yes!
But then the baby got adopted
and Bernice said it was too soon to ask to borrow a kid back.
- So, that was that. - Where is it?
I think Beth brought it in from the car.
Let's go check with her.
Imogene's brothers had hidden the doll
because they didn't think it looked like Jesus,
whatever that meant.
But after a fruitless search, we had to start.
- Away in a manger - O little town of Bethlehem...
- No crib for a bed... - How still we see...
Stop. Stop.
Back row, "Away in a manger" comes first.
I've got the baby.
Finally. No thanks to you jerks.
Don't touch him! It's Baby Jesus.
Now, Imogene, you're not supposed to say anything.
Then, Wise Men, you're supposed to quietly leave!
This is important, everyone. Remember what I said?
Nobody says anything in our pageant
except for the Angel of the Lord
and of course, the singing choir.
Mary, Joseph, and the others
create a lovely picture for us to look at
while we think about Christmas and what it means.
What does it mean?
I'm starting to forget.
Okay, let's take it from the...
Imogene, you can't wear earrings during the performance.
You know Mary didn't wear earrings.
- I have to wear these. - Why is that?
I got my ears pierced and I don't want 'em to grow together.
They're not gonna grow together in an hour and a half.
Well, I'd better leave 'em in.
- The doctor said that? - What doctor?
- Who pierced your ears? - Gladys.
All right.
We'll find a smaller pair for the pageant.
Let's take it from the top. Okay, so...
I think I ought to tell them what I named him.
No. Remember, Mary doesn't name the baby.
I told you. I named him!
No. No! Joseph doesn't name him either.
God sends an angel to tell Mary what his name should be.
I would've named him Bill.
Wait, Gladys told Mary what to name her baby?
No, Gladys is the angel
that comes to the shepherds and says,
"Unto you a child is born."
Unto me! Not them. Me.
I'm the one who had the baby.
It just means that Jesus is for the world.
Unto all of us a child is born, even the poor people, like...
you know, the shepherds you're playing.
Why didn't they let Mary name her own baby?
What'd the angel do, just walk up and say,
"Name Him 'Jesus'"?
- Yes. - That's not right.
The angel says,
"His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor...
"Mighty God, Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
My God! He'd never get out of the first grade
if he had to write all that.
I'm so sorry.
I was passing by and thought I'd take a peek.
I'd better check on that applesauce cake.
Imogene, I told you not to take the Lord's name in vain.
How can you be Mary if you're offending everyone?
I think we need to take a break.
Let's meet back here in five minutes
and we'll start over.
I told you it would be a disaster.
I just want you to know I'm happy to take over
the part of Mary at any time.
That's good to know, Alice.
Imogene, can I...
I'm going to the loo,
and I'm changing out of this silly costume.
There she is. Need anything?
It's kind of... all wrong.
Like, everything's falling apart.
I'm not sure it was really together in the first place.
Can't we just put Alice in as Mary?
We can't let the Herdmans ruin this
for the church or embarrass you.
I think Imogene's head is doing a number on her.
Just need to get through this rehearsal.
We can do this.
Fire!
What now?
Why? Why?
Thick smoke coming from the bathroom!
Okay. Okay. okay. Everyone, grab each other's hands.
Grab your neighbour's hands and...
All right, Beth, lead the chain out.
Everyone, grab your coats.
Alice? Alice!
Beth, honey...
Everyone, come on. Come on.
Are you okay, dear?
I smelled smoke when I walked in.
You smelled smoke in the bathroom?
Go with your dad.
- Do we know what happened? - Herdmans happened.
Come on. Come on, angels.
- Imogene, are you okay? - Yep.
Step aside. Another Herdman fire.
- I'm scared. - I know, dear. I know. I know.
Herdmans? In church?
Yep. All of them.
Lord have mercy on us all.
What a train wreck. Nothing but trouble.
Beth, I want you to go and find the Herdmans, okay?
- Okay. All right. - Okay, go grab 'em.
Imogene? Imogene?
And you saw Imogene Herdman in the bathroom?
She was there.
And it's well-known those kids smoke.
So that's what happened.
Mum, I can't find the Herdmans.
Well, they were just here, weren't they?
I looked everywhere. They're gone.
And then Dianna sees Imogene standing there.
The place is filled with smoke.
Hello? She smokes. She started the fire.
This needs to be the last straw.
Let's not jump to conclusions, Rebecca.
Wouldn't that be refreshing?
Her Mary did this!
And a million other things, Reverend.
Would you like to hear?
- What happens now, Mum? - I honestly don't know.
Now will they call it off?
They might try.
Grace said the Angel of the Lord is like a comic book hero.
Is this what I think it is? A Herdman thing?
I heard they talk about underwear the whole time.
Excuse me. The Herdman children
don't talk about underwear during rehearsals.
That was another boy.
Alice says they talked about Jesus being murdered.
That is in the Bible.
Well, they really shouldn't be here.
- No. - I agree.
When there's smoke, there's fire.
- As in, literally. - Okay, okay, everyone. Please.
You're the one who's been doing all the work, not them.
If you can tell me this will be fine, I trust you.
I'm sorry, I can't tell you that.
Reverend Hopkins, we found the source.
Yes, sir?
My applesauce cake!
But I saw the smoke coming from the bathroom.
That's why I called.
There was no fire in the bathroom.
But while everyone was out here, the cake burned up.
Thank you, gentlemen. Go home, everyone.
We're done here. Okay?
That is a wrap on dress rehearsal.
Did I say that right? "It's a wrap"?
Yeah, you said it right.
No one even says sorry?
Let's go home.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hey.
I think you're doing a great job, Mum.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Although I don't think anyone else agrees with you.
Probably not.
I just thought I could do it somehow.
And that it could be the best one ever,
even with the Herdmans.
Is it still too late to replace them?
I don't think that'd be right, honey.
I also don't think it's right
the way those women talk about the Herdmans.
Don't forget.
The whole point of the story...
is that Jesus was born for the Herdmans
as much as He was for us.
We'd be missing the point of all of it
if I turned them away.
But what if they ruin it for you?
They probably will.
But it's not about me.
You're doing a great job, Mum.
Let's see what happens tomorrow night first.
What is it, hon?
Mum?
I prayed about it, and I agree with you.
You have to stick with the Herdmans.
Thanks, honey.
But I can't get a call through to the Herdman house.
Is it disconnected?
I don't think so.
I hope they didn't hear what people were saying about them.
Wait. Did Imogene quit?
- I don't know. - How could she quit?
- She can't do that to you! - It'll be all right, Beth.
Alice knows how to play Mary. It'll be fine.
Or, well, you know, it'll be what it's always been.
It can't be what it's always been!
Beth, where are you going?
Beth?
Explain this one to me.
Before, the only way for the pageant to work
was without the Herdmans.
Now, the only way for it to work was with them.
Maybe my mum didn't lead committees or run a business
or wear a power dress while shopping
but she did the right thing when no one else would.
So now, I had to.
And that meant facing Imogene Herdman alone.
Hi, Gladys.
I need to talk to Imogene.
Okay, then.
What do you want?
After all that riding,
you'd think I'd have figured out what to say.
There were a million things running through my head.
But when she opened the door, all I could get out was...
Hey.
Wait!
- Why'd you leave last night? - It was cold out.
They were trying to figure out what happened.
Bunch of idiots standin' around, scratchin' their bums.
They figured out we did it, then started lookin'.
No, no, they burned a cake.
Doesn't matter what happened. They knew it was me.
They think you smoke cigars. They just assumed...
Of course they did.
Well, were you smoking a cigar?
Yes.
Oh.
Well, you shouldn't smoke.
- Got it. Bye. - Wait!
- Are you gonna do the pageant? - Nope.
- What? - I'm not doin' it.
But I thought you wanted to be someone else.
Like in a film.
Things changed. Bye.
- Do you mind? - Yes. I mind. I mind a lot!
My mother stood up for you. She fought for you.
The town practically hates her for it.
But she did it anyway. Because she cares about you.
What do you care?
You didn't want me in the pageant anyway.
Right?
- Things changed. - Really?
My mum needs you to be Mary.
Okay?
Yes, I told her not to let you do it.
She gave you a chance.
People are coming from all over
and it's too late to change all the parts
and hope it's just the same old, boring pageant...
I can't do it!
I'll never be the girl in the painting.
But we can't have a painting on stage.
We need a real person.
- Alice will do it. - Right. "Alice'll do it."
Everyone loves Mary
because she's sweet and she's pretty.
And I'll never be...
You don't think you can be sweet because you're so tough.
Toughest kid in the world, right?
But if you quit the pageant, you won't be sweet or tough.
Besides, Mary,
the real Mary,
didn't care what anyone thought of her
and did the hard thing, even though it was scary.
You're kinda like that, actually.
Please show up.
For my mum?
Even if it's just to make everyone angry?
I'm sorry. I'm a Herdman. I'm just not her.
At least our candles will look perfect.
Well...
we're here.
You made it. Be proud of that.
Right, Beth?
We've never once run through the whole thing.
I don't know what's gonna happen tonight.
If the Herdmans show up,
it might be the first Christmas pageant in history
where Joseph and the Wise Men get in a fight
and Mary lights a cigar and hightails it with the baby.
- Do you mind? - No.
- Break a leg. - Thank you.
He doesn't mean it.
It's what they say in the theatre.
Mrs Armstrong wrote about it in her book of notes.
Hey, look at you.
Too tight.
You look great. You can go backstage.
Don't think they're coming.
I think I need Alice.
Understood.
Alice?
You may need to play Mary tonight.
- All right, here we go. - Yeah.
Shirley's wing poked me.
It's okay, sweetheart. When she turns around, just duck.
Okay.
Mary and Joseph are dressed and ready to go.
That's great, Alice.
Thank you all for coming.
For 75 years,
the pageant has been an opportunity
to remind us who Christmas is supposed to be about.
This year,
it's turned out a little different than we planned.
Which, I'll admit, is a first for this pageant.
Honestly...
...so much has happened to get us here...
...that I don't quite know what's gonna happen tonight.
But maybe that's not a bad thing.
Because Mary and Joseph weren't so sure either.
Thank you for coming.
And Merry Christmas.
- Are you okay? - I have no idea.
Okay.
Away in a manger
No crib for a bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down His sweet head
The stars in the bright sky...
What is she doing?
Looked down where He lay...
What's wrong?
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay
The cattle are lowing
The Baby awakes
But little Lord Jesus...
What is she wearing?
She brought something from home.
She said if she was going to do this,
she was gonna look like the real Mary.
They look like refugees.
Yeah.
They do.
"In the days of Caesar Augustus,
"a decree went out
"that all the world should be taxed
"and Joseph went to Bethlehem with Mary, his wife..."
O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light...
Why are you burpin' the doll?
It's how I helped Gladys when she was a baby.
Are met in thee tonight...
I never!
Burping the Baby Jesus as if He had colic.
That certainly wasn't in the programme.
Well, I like it.
You think the Baby Jesus didn't need to burp?
He's...
"And in that region,
"there were shepherds in the field,
"keeping watch over their flocks by night."
While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The Angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
"And an Angel of the Lord appeared to them."
And an Angel of the Lord appeared to them.
Hey!
Unto you a child is born!
What are you waiting for? Go see the baby!
Hurry up!
We three kings of orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain
Moor and mountain...
I knew this would happen.
They don't have the frankincense or the myrrh or the gold.
They brought something different
and I knew right away where it came from.
They probably don't even like ham.
Yes, they do. They love ham.
My ham's in the play.
"And when Jesus was born,
"there came Wise Men from the east to worship Him,
"bringing gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh."
They're supposed to leave. They're ruining the whole thing.
It makes perfect sense
for the Wise Men to sit down and rest.
They came a long way.
You expect them to hand over the ham and leave?
They didn't bring ham!
What Child is this who laid to rest
On Mary's lap, is sleeping?
Whom angels...
As for ruining the whole thing,
it seemed to me
that the Herdmans had improved the pageant, a lot.
Just by doing what came naturally.
Like burping the baby, for instance.
Or thinking a ham would make a better present
than a lot of perfume or oil.
Usually by the time we got to Silent Night,
I was fed up with the whole thing,
couldn't wait for it to be over.
But I didn't feel that way this time.
I almost wished for the pageant to go on
with the Herdmans in charge,
just to see what else they'd do.
I realised I'd never really seen the Nativity before.
But Imogene was helping me see it more clearly than ever.
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child...
And then it happened.
Everyone had been waiting all this time
for the Herdmans to do something absolutely unexpected.
And sure enough...
Look.
She's crying.
Mary is crying.
In that moment...
Imogene Herdman experienced the real Christmas story
for the very first time.
And so we did, too.
Lord at thy birth
Well...
it was the best Christmas pageant ever.
Take a bow.
Bow. They're clapping for you.
Thank you.
Everyone agreed it was the best ever,
but nobody seemed to know why exactly.
One thing I did know,
because of my mum
and her understanding of the Christmas story,
the Herdmans finally got what they needed most all along.
A community.
But they gave us something we needed all along, too.
For years, I thought about the wonder of Christmas
and the mystery of Jesus's birth and never really understood it.
But now, it didn't seem so mysterious after all.
When Imogene asked me what the pageant was about,
I told her it was about Jesus.
But that was just part of it.
It was about a new baby
and His dirt-poor mother and father
who were in a lot of trouble.
No money, no place to go, no doctor,
nobody they knew, no respect.
But they were the ones God chose to help change the world.
As for Imogene,
Christmas seemed to come over her all at once.
Thanks for coming back.
You made me.
I don't think so.
Here's your ham. Great prop.
It wasn't a prop. It was a gift from the boys.
And...
I have something else.
I figured it was time to return this.
Thanks.
So, now that the pageant is over,
you probably don't plan on coming here again.
But maybe you could come next week?
As long as there's snacks.
It's exactly right.
Right?
What's that?
The painting.
What did she mean "exactly right"?
I don't know.
I think Imogene liked the idea of the Mary in the painting.
All pure-looking.
As if she never did anything else
except have Jesus on Christmas Eve.
Imogene once told me,
"I'm not her."
But to me...
Mary will always look like Imogene Herdman.
That's why...
we still use this blanket even after all these years.
So, everyone,
now that you know
why the pageant is so important to us...
I don't know, would anybody like to play a part?
Wow, that is so many hands!
Thankfully,
we have a lot of parts and there are no small parts.
Okay, so, parents, if you wanna,
take everybody down to the sanctuary,
we'll get everybody sorted.
We'll assign you roles
and we will have our very first rehearsal.
Okay, get out of here.
Can I try those?
Well, those were Gladys' wings.
She won't let anyone else wear them.
But if you run on downstairs, we'll find you a whole new set.
"Hey. Unto you a child is born."