1
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:07,992
[cell door slams]
2
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:10,120
[theme song playing]
3
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,912
[cell door slams]
4
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,553
[cell door slams]
5
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,476
[snorting]
6
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,718
[guard] Let's go! Move it!
7
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,119
[exhales heavily]
8
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,438
- Bye, Nana!
- [Nana] What?
9
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:36,999
New year, new chapter.
10
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,520
This is so much better
than the shit you was bringing in.
11
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,398
One month in and you're already bragging?
12
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:10,515
It's good shit.
13
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,512
We could expand our market.
14
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,432
Sell it to Florida
and those Cunt-Blockers.
15
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,991
Whoa there, Chapo.
We're back on Barb's good side.
16
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,640
We can't even keep up with demand
on our side.
17
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,355
You wanna start selling
in enemy territory?
18
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,636
I don't see enemies, just customers.
19
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:26,915
[Daddy scoffs]
20
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,073
Let's tend our own garden for now. Okay?
21
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,356
- This is gonna work, right?
- Mmm.
22
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,312
No money, no more.
23
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,399
She needs to enter the numbers
and it goes straight onto her card.
24
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,518
It's all there. Except the gratuity.
25
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,520
- This I'm gonna give you now, in person.
- Mmm.
26
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,549
All right, girls, get your bounce on!
27
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,231
Whoo! Get loose! Get your bounce on!
28
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,154
Okay, we're gonna do a top rock.
And where we gonna go?
29
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,993
Out, in. Out, in.
30
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,594
In and out. In and out.
31
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:07,078
We're gonna do a hinge.
On hinge, we're gonna go up and down!
32
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,994
Pull yourself up off the ground.
33
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,958
This class ain't handicap accessible.
34
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,839
[Brock] Oh, yeah!
Kick, kick, switch, kick!
35
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,994
Come on!
36
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,915
- [all chanting] Badison! Badison! Badison!
- Still can't hear you.
37
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,358
- Badison! Badison! Badison!
- [chuckles]
38
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,191
Hurry, hurry, hurry! No, wait.
39
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,959
That don't count. Do it again.
40
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,269
No, we're just scrimmaging.
41
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,034
And I'm just calling the moves. Again!
42
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,200
You're right.
43
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,954
You wanna get better? I applaud that.
44
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,271
Okay, let's go!
45
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,912
Toosh!
46
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,559
[inmates laughing]
47
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,758
Boom! [laughing]
48
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,718
Luschek, we need the ladder again.
49
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,392
Look, I can keep picking up
the phones and shit,
50
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:15,396
but my dance is my art, okay?
I feel exploited and unappreciated.
51
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,416
[McCullough on walkie-talkie]
Luschek, do you copy?
52
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,079
Find someone else.
53
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:21,713
Yeah, I fucking copy. Shut up.
54
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,389
McCullough! Open the door.
55
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:32,760
What's up?
56
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:34,835
[McCullough] Oh...
57
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,040
Shut up.
58
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,032
What? I'm the ladder bringer,
not the ladder climber.
59
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,715
Is this really the only ball
in this entire prison?
60
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,759
Shit. There was, like,
six more in the Rec closet.
61
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:00,960
Why didn't I think of that?
62
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,920
You probably got other things
on your mind.
63
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,716
This one still needs to come down.
Up you go, Chapman.
64
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,269
What? Seriously?
65
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:12,876
Well, I don't trust her. Or anyone.
66
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,155
[Badison] Go get 'em, roomie!
67
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,475
Are those like the ones
in Back to the Future?
68
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,359
Damn straight. Also bought the hoverboard.
69
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,311
Even though
the hoverboard's kind of bullshit,
70
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,631
'cause it doesn't actually hover.
71
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,517
Now I'm saving up for the DeLorean.
72
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,717
How'd you get to be
rich Marty McFly all of a sudden?
73
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,918
Does Rec pay extra?
'Cause if it does, I need in.
74
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,360
Thought you were Lyfting.
75
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,194
Turns out passengers don't like it
when you cry while driving.
76
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,112
Yeah, well, Rec pays shit.
77
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,514
[grunting]
78
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,479
If you wanna make money,
79
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,936
you gotta win the pot at the end
of the Fantasy Inmate rainbow.
80
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,997
Fantasy Inmate's over, Luschek.
81
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,039
Nobody scored any points
since the blocks got separate yard times.
82
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,679
Except for Alvarez.
83
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,514
He's fuckin' moneyballing that shit
on minor infractions.
84
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,830
There is a real kickball field outside.
85
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,195
No shit.
86
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,079
We could be skidding on grass
instead of concrete.
87
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,576
Do you know how much of my uniform
I've had to pick out of my skin?
88
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,434
Ground's frozen.
Probably harder out there than in here.
89
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,194
But there is sun and air.
90
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,159
And a glimpse of trees,
way in the distance.
91
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,391
That field's not properly secured,
all right?
92
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,616
And there's this gopher problem...
93
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,711
We could play a real game out there.
94
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,032
C-Block versus D-Block.
It could be very motivational.
95
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,670
Look, I'm already doing a lot.
Even by other people's standards.
96
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,355
I can't believe Gapman and I
actually agree on something.
97
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,832
But I gotta say, this is some super smart,
genius-level shit.
98
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,514
Let's fuck some bitches up! [chuckles]
99
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,160
She means that in a strictly
non-combative, healthy way.
100
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:02,840
[Badison] Ladies, how about we play
those D-bitches and show 'em who's boss?
101
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,030
[inmates] Yeah!
102
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:08,836
The answer is me, by the way. I'm boss.
103
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:15,439
[chuckles] It has been an entire month
with no violent incidents,
104
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,116
- so you've earned it, ladies!
- Yes!
105
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,157
- We're gonna destroy them!
- Yeah!
106
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,277
Yeah, hey!
107
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,272
[laughs]
108
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,631
Are you crazy?
Do you wanna start another riot?
109
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,440
It's not a riot
when they're fighting each other.
110
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,360
[laughs boisterously]
111
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:34,596
[Gloria] Vida.
112
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,319
You wanna get something to eat?
113
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:37,516
I got takeout.
114
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,716
I meant real food.
115
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,951
[scoffs] That shit ain't real.
116
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,073
At least it's halfway warm,
and we could sit at the table and eat.
117
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,198
Come on. We can't live our lives
hiding from these bitches.
118
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:48,953
I'm sick of being in my room all day.
119
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,440
[in Spanish]
120
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,216
[in English]
These bitches keep pushing my buttons,
121
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,320
they eventually gonna push the one
where I push back.
122
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,029
[in Spanish]
123
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:06,037
[in English] Yeah, well, we all gotta have
a dream to hold on to.
124
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,875
You know, you were much happier
when you had someone to grind.
125
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,317
That was good exercise.
Now, I'm stuck on my bunk,
126
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,040
reading old magazines,
doing toe-stretches.
127
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,639
Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother.
128
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,358
Fine. Let's go.
129
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:25,875
Gracias.
130
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,593
- May we sit here?
- That would be wonderful.
131
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,956
- Taken, by my ass. Literally.
- [Eckelcamp laughs]
132
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,232
Oh, these are taken.
133
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:53,840
They look empty to me.
134
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,879
This is where my spirit animal sits.
And this is where my...
135
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,237
CO, you see that?
She hit me over the head with a tray.
136
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,198
- Bitch!
- Gloria! Gloria!
137
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:04,915
That's a shot, Mendoza!
138
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,594
And clean this shit up.
139
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,353
I used to do this
back in my waitressing days.
140
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:24,037
Now, let's see if it still works
with these new bottles.
141
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,956
- Ta-da!
- Oh, my God!
142
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,874
It's like St. Joseph of Cupertino,
but with diet soda.
143
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,316
Is this, like, some kind of
a carbonation thing?
144
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,960
That's for me to know and you to wonder.
145
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,713
All right, how 'bout this?
146
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:43,237
Watch me pull a coin out of my pocket.
147
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,230
[chuckles] It ain't magic, but here.
148
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,870
It's a 30-day sober chip.
149
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,390
I know they take away the real one
after the meeting,
150
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,552
so I made you one to keep.
Congratulations.
151
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,390
It has been hard as fuck. Thank you.
152
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,315
Hey, Deitland. I'll take my things.
153
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:07,394
And, whatever these girls want to order,
you can put it on my tab.
154
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,672
Ah! Barb, you spoil us.
155
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:15,118
What'd I tell you about this joint, huh?
We got a free magic show, open bar.
156
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,511
Like visiting my Uncle Pete's house,
minus the, you know, bad touching.
157
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,354
Well, I knew you'd come around
to the mob life eventually.
158
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:22,800
I haven't come around to anything.
159
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,071
I'm just helping her stay sober.
That's all.
160
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,800
Hello, Deitland.
Can I have last week's order?
161
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,155
Nichols, Nicky.
162
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:34,474
And for next week,
three Honey Buns, please.
163
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,439
- And I will take five bags of Cheetos.
- Hmm.
164
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,955
Healthy mama, healthy baby.
165
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,430
Well, at least mine has
trace amounts of calcium.
166
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:43,520
What does yours have?
167
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:47,600
Oh, it has me,
licking the honey out of the buns.
168
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:51,754
Oh, you know, also I enjoy licking
honey out of pots.
169
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,038
If you happen to know
any honey pots in the area,
170
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:57,635
I'd love to lick them.
171
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,838
You know what? If you was a man
and you was on the outside,
172
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,196
you'd be having a hard time right now.
173
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,637
'Cause I read they're cracking down
on this sexy talk.
174
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,951
Like, for real. It's gonna be illegal.
175
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,232
Which I think is a pity
'cause I always found it very flattering.
176
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,392
Yeah, I'm sure it's all meant
in the spirit of flattery,
177
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,791
and not in the spirit of being
the worst kind of misogynistic pig.
178
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,191
Caramel, karamel.
It's all how you wanna see things.
179
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,273
Now, speaking of the worst kind of person,
180
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,478
I hear Carol has a new best friend,
181
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,832
and her name is Red.
And they are like this.
182
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:32,920
Who told you that?
183
00:12:32,921 --> 00:12:35,958
Hey, I also ordered three Noxzemas.
184
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,636
All out. Had a huge C-Block order.
185
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:45,471
Oh! Motherfucking, titty-sucking,
two-ball bitch!
186
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:46,755
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
187
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,799
Hey, I like the minty sting of Noxzema
as much as the next gal.
188
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:53,874
I am a child of the '90s after all,
but maybe we're lacking perspective here.
189
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:59,394
It's not the Noxzema. It's Carol.
She bought it all to spite me.
190
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:04,157
Oh, okay. So, first she tries to kill you,
then she buys up all the Noxzema.
191
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,754
She is really upping the stakes.
192
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,470
Okay, okay. I know it sounds stupid.
I get that.
193
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,596
But these simple luxuries,
they are all we have in here.
194
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:18,471
She is not gonna quit bullying me
until I'm dead, you know.
195
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,439
[upbeat music playing]
196
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,280
So, how'd he take it?
197
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,997
[sighs] He was devastated, obviously.
198
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,710
God, Carol, I can't believe
I have to leave him. He's the one.
199
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,598
Really? The one?
200
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,558
He's my soul mate. He gets me.
201
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,552
Okay, no, he gets in your pants.
202
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:57,678
And as soon as you're gone,
he's gonna get in Pearl Peterman's pants,
203
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,116
where he's gonna shuck her oyster
and suck it raw.
204
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,873
What the fuck, Carol?
205
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,794
Don't be such a precious little
Barbie doll. You know it's true.
206
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,120
You're just pissed
'cause no one here will even miss you.
207
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,199
You don't know shit about my shit,
so don't take it out on me.
208
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,791
It's not my fault we keep moving.
It's that fucking little cunt.
209
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:19,351
[announcer over PA]
Up next, our own Debbie Denning!
210
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,750
This is Debbie's last meet
here in West Virginia,
211
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,394
as she's been accepted to train
212
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,996
at Trudy's Gymnastics Institute
in Plano, Texas.
213
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,594
Go get 'em, Debbie!
214
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,189
[audience applauding]
215
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,316
[groans] I could kill her.
216
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,869
Oh, we could, you know, if we wanted to.
217
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,996
Jesus, Carol.
218
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,514
Oh, you're such a sicko.
219
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,957
And her boobs are not even accurate,
mostly 'cause she doesn't have any.
220
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,118
Okay, well, the body's better on this one.
Look, I even did some perspective.
221
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,714
Poison?
222
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,632
Glass shards in her Yoplait.
223
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,160
That's too obvious.
224
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,280
It would have to look
more like an accident.
225
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,233
And you'll have to burn that book.
226
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:24,640
This what you want me to read?
227
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:32,472
"You don't know me, but I know you.
And I want me a taste inside you."
228
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,472
It's a haiku
for your Missed Connections segment.
229
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,598
Woman, we ain't got
no Missed Connections segment.
230
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,515
And even if we did, it wouldn't be
for no porny haikus that don't rhyme.
231
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,193
It does rhyme.
232
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,638
You just didn't read it right.
And you can find yourself another phone.
233
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,110
All right, all right. All right! Come.
234
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,271
I'll read it
once I get back from my hiatus.
235
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:08,760
And I'm just gonna say this.
You cannot rhyme "you" with "you."
236
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,877
It's the same word and that's not a rhyme.
237
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,480
I heard the other blocks are having
a kickball championship.
238
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,756
That's a land mine
waitin' to get stepped on.
239
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,877
Some D-Block ladies near the pill line
240
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,710
said there used to be
a legendary player here back in the day.
241
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,395
Had arms that could catch anything.
242
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,837
Even tattooed an octopus on her neck.
243
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:32,990
That ain't me.
244
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:38,112
And to be clear,
this tattoo predated my incarceration.
245
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:44,071
[chuckles] Okay. Well, I told them that
I was really proud to be your roomie, so...
246
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,310
Suzanne...
247
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,074
listen to me.
248
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,279
You can't talk to the blues and khakis.
You understand?
249
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,840
They're dangerous.
250
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,076
We've won a valuable spot in here.
251
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,629
Everybody wants to be a Pink Lady...
252
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,756
[chuckles]
253
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,959
...and they'll go as far as to kill you
to take your place.
254
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,953
Kill me? Why me?
255
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,917
Because they pick off
the newest arrivals first.
256
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,196
Well, but you came in after me.
257
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,876
And you don't see me
interacting with any of them, do you?
258
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:23,360
And her?
259
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,477
Oh, she's been warned.
260
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:29,717
If she chooses to ignore it,
I can't save her.
261
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,154
Hey, Suzy Cakes.
You finally ready to come on out today?
262
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,110
- You shouldn't go out there.
- Oh, yes, I should.
263
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,759
This is about that time where
264
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,071
the walking dead
becomes the shitting dead.
265
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,718
Do you think it has anything
to do with, like,
266
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,474
the time they take those fiber chewies?
267
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,356
[scoffs] Whatever it is, I won't be here.
268
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,557
Frieda says that it's dangerous.
269
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,439
Don't be listening
to that Octopussy scare you.
270
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,477
You know what? That's senior abuse.
271
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:04,439
I think it goes the other way.
Like, adults abusing seniors.
272
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,870
Nuh-uh. Nope. I've seen that shit before.
273
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,713
There was this fat, old Mexican lady
274
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,598
that used to live next door
to our trailer,
275
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,114
and whenever we'd be too loud,
276
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,159
or just you know, knocking each other up
or some shit,
277
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,840
she'd come walking over and sit on me.
278
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,470
She'd bounce and sit
and scream, "Tortilla! Tortilla!"
279
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,392
And I don't like tacos 'cause of her.
280
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,439
Except I do like those Del Taco
crunchy tacos. Those are dope.
281
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,989
But I know senior abuse when I see it.
And I just saw it.
282
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,312
No, no, no. It is not like that.
283
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:36,596
Besides, I promised Mabel
I would play Rummikub with her later.
284
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,957
See... I'm an important member
of this community.
285
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:42,475
Yeah, I once did community service,
286
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,718
and it ended with them
pissing in my yellow drink.
287
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,074
[cell phone ringing]
288
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,873
Joe. JJoe Caputo here.
289
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,396
[woman] Hi. Hello, Mr. Caputo.
290
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:11,480
Ah, yes, hi. Is this Mary
from Get Ahead Head Hunters?
291
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,314
This is about Tasha Jefferson.
292
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,436
Who is this?
293
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:16,590
She didn't do it.
294
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,631
Look into the stormtroopers.
295
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,160
What does that mean?
296
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,674
[groans]
297
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,719
Come on, man. Look into the assholes
that came into the prison
298
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,757
with the guns
and the Terminator attitudes.
299
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,877
They ain't telling the truth.
300
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:31,960
How did...
301
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,714
How's the Chocolate Chip Nookie?
302
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:41,917
I won't lie. It's a little chalky.
303
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,834
You know not eating causes your brain
to break down its own neurons.
304
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,316
Hey, Luschek, my man!
305
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,993
You still doing the shakes?
306
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,800
You know not eating
makes you stupid, right?
307
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,354
[laughs]
308
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,389
I literally just said that.
309
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,878
Yeah, it's all in the delivery.
310
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,473
Well, your commish isn't actually
delivering much of anything.
311
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,439
He hasn't updated the Fantasy Inmate app
in eight days.
312
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,752
Relax. This place is a ghost town.
There's nothing happening.
313
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,355
I clocked a lesbian encounter
two days ago. Every point counts.
314
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:12,675
Who was it?
315
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,313
It was Daddy and Diaz. Daddy's mine.
316
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,319
[groans] I'm bored with spanking it out
to those two anyways.
317
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,376
Christ, Stefanovic,
how many times I gotta tell you
318
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,392
to respect my girlfriend's daughter?
319
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:26,315
Sorry, boss. I keep forgetting.
It's just weird, you know?
320
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,800
You know she killed Humps.
And now you're humping her mother.
321
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,719
It's not weird.
Her mother is crazy smokin' hot.
322
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,712
[Alvarez] You guys, this is important.
323
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,840
Points are extremely hard to come by
in the current peaceful climate.
324
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,833
So when they are achieved,
they need to be tallied.
325
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,709
Therefore, I've taken the liberty
of updating everyone's current status.
326
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:50,080
Luschek, all you have to do
is input these numbers into your system.
327
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,480
You're the only one who has any points.
328
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,992
We need to reinstate mixed yard time,
for serious.
329
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,630
Trust me, I would love to,
but Fig gives the orders and I follow.
330
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,233
Well, actually,
I kinda have a loophole for that.
331
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,198
I was gonna tell you guys
at happy hour, but...
332
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,600
What? You guys go to happy hour?
333
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,438
What if we fix the old field
334
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,399
and have ourselves
an inter-block kickball championship?
335
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:21,075
Oh, this could be a disaster.
336
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,198
I know. Yeah.
And I got six girls playing, too.
337
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,671
A punch here, a hair-pull there. Ka-ching!
338
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,116
I love the initiative. Run with it.
339
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,192
Well, actually, I was kinda hoping
somebody else could do it.
340
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,674
I'm sort of swamped with other Rec stuff.
341
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:41,436
Why don't you cancel
that stupid dance class, you know?
342
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:42,840
Buy yourself a little extra time.
343
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,592
Nah. That's fine.
344
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,672
The ladies love that class, so...
345
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:50,830
I can do it.
346
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,231
You all see that?
That is a true humanitarian.
347
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,069
[Luschek] Hey!
348
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,994
Where do you guys go for happy hour?
349
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,637
- Hey!
- [laughs]
350
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,633
Okay. Badison. All right. Okay.
351
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,035
[shrieks]
352
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:11,637
Hey. So I'm thinking,
why don't we play a round? Have some fun.
353
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:15,555
This ain't supposed to be fun.
D-Block is coming for us, Gapman.
354
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,314
So you better get back in there
and take a hit.
355
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,677
[McCullough] Ladies, time to pack up.
356
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,116
You're late. D-Block's already waiting.
357
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,517
[inmate yelling indistinctly]
358
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,816
[Maria] We're the team that is devout!
359
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,513
[Tawney] Exercise those demons out!
360
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,040
God won't pitch what you can't take!
361
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,430
Make those bitches bleed and ache!
One, two.
362
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,636
One, two.
363
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,677
[all hooting]
364
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,599
We'll need some
performance-enhancing steroids.
365
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,076
- You have any?
- No. You?
366
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:53,196
What do you think?
367
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,554
I think we're fucked.
368
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,873
Try it.
I was going for a piña colada feel.
369
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,235
[Red] Hmm.
370
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,391
- [grunts]
- [laughs]
371
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,630
It smells like coconut,
but it tastes like soap.
372
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,758
You gotta leave
a smidge of shampoo in there for aroma.
373
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,036
Also for the guards, in case they check.
374
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,351
Well, aren't you full of tricks.
375
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:24,616
When you're gonna die in here,
376
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,791
you learn
how to keep yourself entertained.
377
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:28,400
Life sentence, huh?
378
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,919
Well, it was 25 years at first.
379
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,679
But you can thank your friend, Frieda,
for the extra 30.
380
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,514
That squealing little rat.
381
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:44,075
No, no. She got bopped
in the beezer again.
382
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,470
It would just be mean.
383
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,315
If you really wanna be mean,
you should pretend to be nice first.
384
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,280
That's what the Barbs of the world do.
Here, watch this.
385
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,318
Hey, Dweebly Dums, you heard the news?
386
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,392
About the kickball championship?
387
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,915
Maybe I shouldn't be
telling you this, but...
388
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,312
I overheard the guards talking.
389
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,313
Looks like you're getting out early
for good behavior.
390
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:14,119
Oh, my God! I have to call Pop-Pop!
391
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,551
Thank you so much!
392
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,274
[both chuckle]
393
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,879
I'm conflicted
about wanton cruelty, but...
394
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:28,639
it's strangely reinvigorating.
395
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,838
Told you. Sport mindfucking is exciting.
396
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,640
No, I mean... I feel like me.
397
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,677
The last few years,
whenever I needed to defend myself,
398
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,229
or to take justice into my own hands,
399
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,232
everybody got on my case.
400
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,630
Told me to be nicer, to be better.
401
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,552
Evolve, Red, evolve.
402
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,235
Fuck evolve. What about survive?
403
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,519
That's right. People like us,
we gotta say what we mean.
404
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:58,435
I don't like you, I'll tell you.
And that is worth something.
405
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,397
Not like Barb, who's always the good girl,
the victim.
406
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:03,715
That's all bullcrap.
407
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,474
Nice people, they're full of shit.
408
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:08,999
Like human M&M's.
409
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,711
But their insides are shit, not chocolate.
410
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,912
I have plans. Make Carol do it!
411
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,016
But, Mom, you already told me
I could go out tonight.
412
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,430
Oh, please. Who were you
gonna go out with, the chess club?
413
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,576
You're not the only person
who has a life here, you know!
414
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,176
- [Robbie] Everybody, shut it.
- Yes, I am.
415
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,431
You're both taking care of Debbie tonight.
416
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,032
But you said we would release
my tadpoles tonight.
417
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:32,830
We have to meet with Coach Emery
to discuss your transitional training.
418
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,960
You do realize that
we're doing this for you, right?
419
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:38,750
Now, please, practice your pirouettes
and then go straight to bed. [sighs]
420
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,595
You two, finish packing.
Moving van gets here at 11:00 tomorrow.
421
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,797
Well, I'm already done, so...
422
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,176
No. You haven't separated out
what's going in the Salvation Army pile.
423
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,056
Remember, the three of you
will be sharing a closet.
424
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,039
What?
425
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:52,874
Does that mean I have to share a room
with both of them?
426
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:54,917
You know how much it's costing us
to relocate?
427
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,440
Be grateful you even have a bedroom.
428
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,630
Do we get to have bunk beds?
429
00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,313
Just shut up, Debbie!
430
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:00,516
Language!
431
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,000
[Barbara] Well, I'm not going.
432
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,016
Mrs. Howard said
that I could live with them
433
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,680
for the rest of the semester
and graduate with everyone.
434
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,636
Barbara, does this look like
a La Quinta Inn to you?
435
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,718
Do I look like a goddamn bellhop?
436
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:17,800
That's right.
437
00:26:17,801 --> 00:26:23,194
You don't get to check in and out
of this family whenever you please.
438
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,272
Debbie, heels up on the turn
439
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,795
and then point, point, point your way
through the pirouette.
440
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:33,715
We'll be back by 10:00.
441
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:40,676
They're such dicks.
442
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,776
My tadpoles are gonna die
if we don't release them tonight.
443
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,757
Okay, nobody gives a fuck
about your tadpoles.
444
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,433
Carol, no! Barb, Barb, do something!
445
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:51,231
Carol, don't be such a monster.
446
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,316
If she wants
to release her tadpoles tonight,
447
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,680
we should take her.
448
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,320
[chuckles softly]
449
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,160
[cell phone ringing]
450
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,675
Hey, babe, can't talk. I'm mid-stakeout.
451
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,274
Okay, please don't use that word.
452
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:17,635
"Stakeout" or "babe"?
453
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,872
Both. And I said you could
look at the coroner's report, not take it.
454
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,634
I can't make heads or tails of it anyway.
455
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,554
I need to talk to this Herrmann guy.
456
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,236
And then what? Make a citizen's arrest
based on a prank call?
457
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,791
No. I'm gonna try
the dumb and friendly approach.
458
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,880
See if I can bait him
into saying something incriminating.
459
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,159
Oh, that's ridiculous.
460
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,118
Hey, worked for Columbo.
461
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:46,319
Okay, putting aside the fact
that Columbo was a fictional character...
462
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,199
A well-rounded and delightfully written
fictional character.
463
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,078
Columbo had a theory to prove.
464
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:53,800
You, on the other hand, got nada.
Shots in the dark.
465
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:54,880
Exactly.
466
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,636
And this Herrmann guy may know
who shot what in that darkness.
467
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,599
I mean, look at him. He even looks shady.
468
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:03,920
I bet he thinks 'cause he's a cop
469
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,156
he can get away
without paying for his coffee.
470
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,830
Never mind. He just paid.
471
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:12,593
And he's leaving a tip.
472
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,478
Whatever. He still looks shady.
473
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:15,960
I gotta go.
474
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,153
Oh, well...
475
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,916
Hey, man. Or should I say, Herrmann?
[chuckles]
476
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,070
Do I know you?
477
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:34,151
Well, you probably don't recognize me
with actual clothes on.
478
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,640
And I shaved the mustache.
479
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,760
But it's me, Caputo.
Former Litchfield warden?
480
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,150
Oh. Yeah.
481
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,749
You come here often?
I just... I love this place.
482
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:47,440
The place is shit.
483
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:50,160
But the chick that works here?
Totally bangable.
484
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:51,799
[Caputo chuckles]
485
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:53,595
She's really bangable.
486
00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:55,956
I mean, hey, I'm not gonna bang her,
487
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,072
but I really hope you get to.
488
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,111
Okay. Well, have a good one.
489
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:04,275
All right, wait.
490
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:08,070
You know what? It's a relief to see people
491
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:11,597
that went through what we went through,
you know? It's...
492
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,560
It's like we're comrades in arms.
493
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,037
That night was so intense and...
494
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:19,200
It was violent.
495
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,160
Didn't you spend it sitting
in an air-conditioned RV unit
496
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:24,959
- with those two chicks?
- [laughs] True.
497
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,680
But I was with you in spirit, you know?
498
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:32,551
And plus, I was the one who told you guys
about the pool, remember?
499
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,950
Yeah. Well, thanks.
500
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,399
Hey, listen, um...
501
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:46,190
When you went in that night,
where did you first see Desi Piscatella?
502
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,760
You trying to interrogate me or something?
503
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:50,840
No.
504
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,080
I'm just trying to understand
what went on in there.
505
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:56,976
- I mean, for me, I'm just...
- You come near me again
506
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:58,878
and I'll get a restraining order.
507
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,555
Just one more thing...
508
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:12,520
Eight-three-zero-two-eight.
509
00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:17,797
And how do I link it
to my debit card again?
510
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:19,520
Mama, I have to explain this every time?
511
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:23,037
It ain't my fault
this shit's so complicated. [sighs]
512
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:25,635
What happened to cash while I was away?
513
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:27,592
I don't know,
but you better get used to it.
514
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,552
Orders are flowing.
515
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:32,434
Matter of fact, we need you to pack more.
516
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,672
Are you crazy?
You wanna get caught? [scoffs]
517
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,674
Besides, those lids are packed tighter
than my asshole on Christmas morning.
518
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,237
You stuck something up your butt
on Christmas?
519
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:45,512
Butt sex was on top
of Cesar's wish list, okay?
520
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,320
We all honor the birth of baby Jesus
in our own way.
521
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:52,792
[Nana] Aleida, honey, I'm still waiting
on that tea you offered!
522
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,554
[Aleida]
That's because I didn't fucking offer!
523
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:56,640
Who's that?
524
00:30:56,641 --> 00:30:58,836
Hopper's Nana. But don't worry,
525
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,714
I got that passive-aggressive old bag
taken care of.
526
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,680
Look. Cesar's already acting
like a little bitch
527
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,076
about what he's selling us.
I don't think he'll do more.
528
00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:09,719
What does Cesar care?
529
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:16,391
He's sitting in prison doing nothing
and he's still getting his cut.
530
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,833
Well, let's just say he ain't too happy
531
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,310
about me smuggling the shit in
through Hopper.
532
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:22,794
He has no right to be jealous.
533
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,676
He stuck his dick into anything
that jiggled his way.
534
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,638
Don't your jiggly ass know it.
535
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:29,993
Anyway, now he's all like,
536
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:33,994
"At least I ain't fucking no guard
and swallowing his swimmers."
537
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:35,236
And I had to be like,
538
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:38,438
"Yo, don't you remember, pendejo,
I don't swallow."
539
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,799
Ugh. Please, stop.
You wanna get the kids back or no?
540
00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:46,630
[Nana knocks at door]
Honey, why won't my door open?
541
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:48,951
Aleida, honey!
542
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,475
Aleida!
543
00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:53,631
- You know what?
- [Nana] Open this damn door.
544
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:55,712
Maybe I could squeeze
a couple more grams in.
545
00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:58,918
[Nana] Aleida! Aleida, let me out!
546
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:03,040
I didn't want her to,
but I didn't want her to have my...
547
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,191
Hey, can you give us a sec?
548
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:13,320
Should I put a sock on the door?
549
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:17,596
What do you want?
550
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,239
Haven't seen you in class.
551
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,236
Bet you miss
someone doing your job for you.
552
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:23,595
Come on, Mendoza.
553
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,990
You were a great inmate instructor.
You were having fun.
554
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:27,309
It's all fun and games
555
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:29,596
until someone offers
to shiv out your thyroid.
556
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:32,349
Wait. That happened?
557
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,830
Hmm. No. You don't get to act surprised.
558
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:36,840
I told you that
these bitches were out of control
559
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,434
and you didn't do shit.
560
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:39,596
You're right.
561
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:43,436
I should've done more. I'm sorry.
562
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:48,510
But I think I know a way to help you now.
563
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,671
For real this time. Scout's honor.
564
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:54,113
You and I both know you weren't a Scout.
565
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:56,277
And if you had been,
all you would have gotten
566
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:58,431
is a "Pitching a Tent
in Your Pants" badge.
567
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,070
[laughs sarcastically]
568
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,520
I kinda missed
you making me feel like shit.
569
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,152
Yeah, me too.
570
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,477
- Bye.
- Okay, yeah. Good talk though.
571
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:16,560
[Gloria] Mmm-hmm.
572
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,035
[under breath] Fuck.
573
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,189
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
574
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:27,956
I don't know. This doesn't look like
the best place to recruit athletes.
575
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:29,872
We need to look under every rock.
576
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,990
Even the old and disabled rocks.
577
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:40,759
Your camp friends are waving at you.
578
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:43,912
Well, friends might be a stretch,
but here goes.
579
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:47,676
Ladies.
580
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:48,760
Heya.
581
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:51,838
Don't talk to her.
She might not come in peace.
582
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,752
Oh, no, but I do.
583
00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:57,151
In fact, I have an offer
for some extra outdoor time
584
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:01,678
in the form
of a fantastic game of kickball.
585
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:03,950
Do either of you play?
586
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:06,794
- Is it like kick the can?
- Not at all.
587
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:10,794
Whatever. Anything to get out of here.
[clears throat]
588
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:14,635
I swear, every seat I touch
is smeared in menthol or pudding.
589
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:19,080
- At least, I hope it's pudding.
- [pencil scratching]
590
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:21,480
There you go.
591
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:25,276
Hey, how's Baby Dix?
592
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:28,671
It's not safe to talk about Baby Dix here.
593
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:30,353
I meant the bear.
594
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:31,715
I know what you meant.
595
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:35,231
Why are you being so weird?
No one even knows, you know.
596
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:39,200
I know. Just can't help feeling like
everybody's looking at us.
597
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:41,670
[scoffs] No one's looking at us. Trust me.
598
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,878
They haven't gotten their glasses fixed
since 1972.
599
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,156
And that one right there? See her?
600
00:34:47,240 --> 00:34:50,233
[scoffs] She thinks I'm the robot girl
from Small Wonder.
601
00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:52,594
Huh! I could see that.
602
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:57,038
Hey. I'm proud of you for leaving him.
603
00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:01,278
You did leave him, right?
He's alive somewhere?
604
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:04,194
Yeah, he's alive. Somewhere.
605
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:08,032
Sometimes I wish
we could've just kept on going.
606
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:12,319
Being back here? Not so great.
607
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:15,996
Yeah. Tell me about it.
608
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,918
I don't do outdoors. Real or fake.
609
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,957
Wait, you don't go out into the yard?
610
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:24,509
[scoffs] Once was enough for me.
611
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:29,151
But you used to love that. Remember?
612
00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:30,736
You used to chase me around the track?
613
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:35,357
Yes. I remember, Dandelion,
but things have changed.
614
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:38,399
- Oh.
- I know not to trust people anymore.
615
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:41,917
And even though I love you,
because I will always love you,
616
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:46,791
I will not let you kill me
to take my spot.
617
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:52,078
Suzanne...
I'm not gonna hurt you in any way.
618
00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:54,196
I promise.
619
00:35:56,800 --> 00:36:00,111
And I'm certainly not interested
in taking your place here.
620
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:03,435
I live next door to Alex now.
621
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:08,432
This place is so confusing.
622
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:13,720
Well, first, my friends become
not my friends.
623
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:18,352
And then I'm given a color
that other colors wanna fight,
624
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:21,433
and it's not the kind of color-fighting
that has to do with race.
625
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:24,513
But it's also not the color-fighting
that has to do with washable paints.
626
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:26,114
So what kind of fighting is it?
627
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,912
You don't have to worry about colors.
628
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,431
Blues and khakis
have beef with each other,
629
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:34,273
but not with any of you.
630
00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:37,074
Pinks are safe out there.
631
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,311
- Really?
- Mmm.
632
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:40,550
Wait.
633
00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:44,074
Even for new recruits?
634
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:45,955
You know what I think?
635
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:51,391
I think that fresh air and exercise
636
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:54,314
help to clear the mind.
637
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:04,640
But technically,
he didn't say anything incriminating.
638
00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:08,509
It's not what he said.
It was his attitude.
639
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,114
Well, what would your attitude be
640
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:12,476
if someone came
to your preferred coffee shop
641
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:14,791
and started asking you questions
about a dead guy?
642
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:17,037
Oh, I don't know. Helpful?
643
00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:18,916
You are so naive.
644
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,469
No, I am not.
Everybody else is being naive.
645
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,358
There's something fishy here.
646
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,750
- Then tell the investigators.
- I did.
647
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:27,513
- And?
- They told me to fuck off.
648
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,155
Why are we making the bed
before sleeping in it, anyway?
649
00:37:30,240 --> 00:37:32,675
Because you couldn't be bothered
to do it earlier.
650
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,320
Well, I had a busy afternoon, okay?
651
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:36,920
Had to meet with Taystee's lawyer.
652
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:38,639
The trial's next week
653
00:37:38,720 --> 00:37:42,350
and they need to find a medical examiner
that can figure out what CERT is hiding.
654
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:45,319
Stop. I cannot hear any of this.
655
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:47,278
You know it's a conflict of interest.
656
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,875
I'm asking you
to take off your warden hat for a minute
657
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:52,316
and put on your girlfriend hat.
658
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:54,794
Did you just say "girlfriend"?
659
00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:57,357
You're missing the point.
660
00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:00,080
[sighs] Fine.
What did Taystee's lawyer say?
661
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,080
She told me
to stop tampering with the witnesses.
662
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:05,278
No kidding. You're gonna Columbo yourself
right into a mistrial.
663
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:09,559
You have any idea how it'll look
if those guys testify against her?
664
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:13,754
Who's the jury gonna believe?
Look, I know Taystee didn't do it.
665
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,595
And I know you know. Tell me you know.
666
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:20,195
You wanna make a difference, Joe?
667
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:24,593
Let the lawyers do their job
and join the PR front instead.
668
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:28,799
People will listen to the former warden.
Flip the script.
669
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,496
Change the conversation from
whether or not JJefferson's a murderer
670
00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:35,594
to whether or not MCC's negligence
incited the riot to begin with.
671
00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:37,799
[chuckles]
672
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:41,954
Wait. Is the warden really telling me
to shit on her prison?
673
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:43,040
Interim warden.
674
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,834
And just so we're clear,
I'm not that kind of girlfriend
675
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,230
who's gonna sacrifice her career
for your happiness.
676
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:50,312
I am just saying all this
to fuck with Linda.
677
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:52,596
You are my girlfriend.
678
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:55,400
- You are so my girlfriend.
- Shut up. Shut up.
679
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:57,716
- Shut up. Shut up.
- You are so my girlfriend!
680
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:00,076
Hey, thanks for swapping me out.
681
00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:03,878
Don't mention it. Like, seriously.
[shushes]
682
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:14,834
[Nicky sighs]
683
00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:22,113
[inaudible]
684
00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:40,597
Nicky, this is a nice surprise.
685
00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,394
You look good as a blonde.
What am I supposed to call you now?
686
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:48,554
Gorgeous. Let me look at you.
Are you wearing eye makeup?
687
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:52,634
Nah. So, the mauve is more of
a leftover bruise than a shadow.
688
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,189
- What happened?
- I can't talk much.
689
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:56,856
Don't feel like adding
more mauve to my face.
690
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,634
Is it the women in your block? The guards?
691
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:02,360
It's your friend Carol and her armada.
692
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:03,556
Don't be ridiculous.
693
00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:04,790
You know what's ridiculous?
694
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:07,719
Me getting my face slammed in
by a bunch of outdated law books
695
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,800
for helping Eyebrows
get artificially inseminated.
696
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:12,875
Your mouth is making words
that I can't understand.
697
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:14,360
But it doesn't matter.
698
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:15,999
This must be Madison's doing.
699
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:19,596
Jesus. She's like that idiot, Chevy Chase,
from those Chevy Chase films.
700
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:21,831
What's so funny
about always fucking everything up?
701
00:40:22,720 --> 00:40:24,757
Sometimes it's like
we're not even related.
702
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:26,194
Look, Carol's my friend.
703
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,636
I'll make sure her girls
never mess with you again.
704
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:30,837
Women like Carol aren't looking
to be your friend.
705
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,040
They're looking to use you.
It's how they stay on top.
706
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:35,914
Don't lecture me about leaders
using their people, Nicky.
707
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:40,279
I learned that way back when I was a kid
from the Komsomol bosses.
708
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:42,033
But you know what else I've learned?
709
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:45,033
To trust people who are real.
And Carol is real.
710
00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:48,477
Okay, so you trust a woman
who tried to kill her own sister?
711
00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:50,233
Jesus! That was decades ago.
712
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:51,879
Wait. And the other one, last month.
713
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,600
Fake news. And all because
Barb has to play the victim.
714
00:40:54,720 --> 00:40:57,599
She can't own up to the fact
that she's a junkie who did it to herself.
715
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:59,751
That wasn't an overdose.
Somebody laced her shit.
716
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,150
I was there when they brought Barb
into medical. I saw it.
717
00:41:02,240 --> 00:41:05,040
Trust me, I would've heard about it
if Carol was making a move on Barb.
718
00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:06,639
Listen to you! JJesus!
719
00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:08,473
Is this some kind of Stockholm syndrome
720
00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:10,136
or are the two of you
cut from the same cloth?
721
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:12,675
You're the one defending Barb
like a good little minion.
722
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,719
Well, at least she's trying
to become a better person, Red.
723
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:22,550
Maybe before you go judging others,
you take a good hard look at yourself.
724
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:27,154
[scoffs]
725
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,793
I'm not in the mood to freeze my nuts off,
so I'm gonna stay here.
726
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:45,109
Come on, Debbie.
727
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:59,194
You know, I'm real sorry about the move.
728
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:02,591
I told Mom I don't want to go either,
but they don't care what I want.
729
00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:04,639
You don't wanna go?
730
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:07,030
No. I like Coach Emery.
731
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,635
And I heard this girl talking about
how the coaches at Trudy's
732
00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:12,633
give the girls rubdowns after the meets.
Like, everywhere.
733
00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:14,436
[exhales sharply]
734
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:26,273
Thanks for bringing me, Barb.
735
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,792
You know they're just gonna freeze, right?
736
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:32,760
No. They're wintering tadpoles,
so they go into hibernation.
737
00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:37,237
You know what? You're not so bad, kid.
738
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,556
- [screaming]
- Carol! Wait!
739
00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:44,075
Get in the car, Debbie!
Hurry! Lock the doors!
740
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:45,355
Let go!
741
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:55,272
There's no button. There's no button.
742
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:57,079
I can't get out.
743
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:02,794
Let me out!
744
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:15,918
Barb, what are you doing?
745
00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:20,391
[whimpers] Barb.
746
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:22,954
Barb, what are you doing?
747
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:30,351
- Barb, please!
- I don't know what happened, Mommy.
748
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:32,671
I told Debbie to stay in the car.
749
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:35,798
Maybe she accidentally
put the car in drive or something?
750
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:38,395
You know how much she liked
to pretend-drive with Daddy.
751
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,711
Please! Please!
752
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,037
Carol! Please!
753
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,760
You're really gonna
stick the landing this time, kid!
754
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:50,280
[Carol laughs]
755
00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:52,633
[Debbie screaming]
756
00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:02,590
Help me! Please, Barb! No! No!
757
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:05,514
Please, help me! Please, help me!
758
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:08,353
[chuckles]
759
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:10,511
[humming "She's A Maniac"]
760
00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:24,031
- Where are you taking me?
- Hawaii. What do you think?
761
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:30,995
Sorry. Drinking my meals makes me cranky.
I miss chewing.
762
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:32,753
You're getting transferred to D-Block.
763
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:34,832
You're lucky you have a friend
in high places.
764
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:37,389
And clearly he was high
when he came up with this shit.
765
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:40,671
Listen, those girls
are gonna eat me alive.
766
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:42,558
Tell him thanks, but no thanks.
767
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:47,396
Yeah, I already filled out
all the paperwork. So, no.
768
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:05,037
You lost your way, little lamb?
769
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:08,875
I just got transferred here, okay?
I don't want any trouble.
770
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,838
Well, that's convenient.
771
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:13,879
Well, actually, no.
But you see, those C-Block bitches,
772
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:15,800
they wanted to kick my ass
back to Puerto Rico,
773
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:18,719
and there's still
no electricity there, so...
774
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,440
Just think of me as a friendly refugee.
775
00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:22,795
Mmm-mmm.
776
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:28,952
Oh, my God!
777
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:30,150
[grunts] Daya!
778
00:45:30,240 --> 00:45:31,640
Hey, you know her?
779
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:33,951
You kidding? This is Gloria.
780
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,271
No shit, my bad.
781
00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:38,238
Little lady's been telling me
all about you.
782
00:45:38,320 --> 00:45:39,515
Lucky you.
783
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:41,956
Now you got your prison mommy
and your prison daddy
784
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:43,793
all in the same block.
785
00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:46,520
[Dayanara chuckles]
786
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:48,953
Yo, come sit with me.
787
00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:54,236
[pounds on table]
788
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:56,471
You two, get up. This table's taken.
789
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:58,392
You... You see how I'm dismissed?
790
00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:02,110
One day, I will once again walk tall
with a machete in my hand
791
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,112
and then I will sit where I please.
792
00:46:04,240 --> 00:46:05,560
[man speaking indistinctly on PA]
793
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:10,434
Yo, I haven't seen you in forever.
794
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:14,230
Yeah. It must be forever
'cause shit sure has changed.
795
00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:16,794
So I'm guessing you're top dog now?
796
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:19,472
It's eat or be eaten. I chose both.
797
00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:21,631
You think this shit is funny? [scoffs]
798
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:25,598
No. Don't tell me you're gonna be
all judgy and shit about it.
799
00:46:25,720 --> 00:46:27,313
She's fun.
800
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:31,110
Oh, no, yeah, she seems like a real treat.
801
00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:33,393
You never heard "gay for the stay"?
802
00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:37,552
'Cause I'm gonna stay in here forever.
803
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:40,237
I'm not gonna lock up my box
for the rest of my life.
804
00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:42,630
I don't give a shit
who you unlocking your box for.
805
00:46:42,720 --> 00:46:44,279
I'm talking about you being high.
806
00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:47,319
- I'm not high.
- The fuck you're not!
807
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,869
Your pupils are as wide as frying pans.
808
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,176
Actually, pupils get like this
when you're in withdrawal.
809
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,431
Oh, well, that's good to hear.
810
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:57,991
So you're doing so many drugs
you actually going through withdrawal?
811
00:46:58,080 --> 00:46:59,080
God.
812
00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:02,232
Fuck. Why?
813
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:05,151
Shit. Why not?
814
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:20,430
- [Suzanne] Go, go, go!
- [Piper] Yes! Yes! Yes!
815
00:47:20,520 --> 00:47:21,479
[Zirconia] Out!
816
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,870
Dude! Fuckin' hit me in my ass
with the ball!
817
00:47:23,960 --> 00:47:26,759
That's allowed in kickball.
It's in the rules. You're out.
818
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:28,320
[Pennsatucky] Eat shit, Gimpy.
819
00:47:28,400 --> 00:47:31,438
Nicely done
on the Florida recruits, Gapman.
820
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:34,433
All right. Okay.
821
00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:37,519
[exclaims]
822
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:42,629
The pitcher must have at least one foot on
or behind the pitching strip at all times.
823
00:47:43,240 --> 00:47:44,560
Wow.
824
00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:47,160
Okay.
825
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:51,993
[all cheering]
826
00:47:54,240 --> 00:47:56,880
Way to go, Suzanne!
827
00:47:58,240 --> 00:47:59,720
[inmates cheering]
828
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:06,074
All right, switch out!
Switch out, come on.
829
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:07,560
I wanna pitch.
830
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,395
No. Shruti's pitching. And also, you suck.
831
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:13,836
Once I caught a baby
falling out of a tree.
832
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:17,118
- Why not give Doggett a shot?
- 'Cause I fucking said so.
833
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:20,432
Well, last we fuckin' checked,
Chapman was captain.
834
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:22,591
- She should be.
- Certainly acts like it.
835
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:27,471
Well, it does seem that Chapman has
the skill set and leadership qualities.
836
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:28,789
Everyone, shut up!
837
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:32,351
Nah, it's cool.
I think they're right. We...
838
00:48:33,760 --> 00:48:35,797
We should vote for who's captain.
839
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:39,791
Let's see how popular
you really are, Chapman.
840
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,000
You're saying that like it's an insult,
841
00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:44,919
but really, that's just
how you say my name.
842
00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:53,273
Anyone who recognizes Badison
as our one true leader, say aye.
843
00:48:53,840 --> 00:48:54,956
[inmates] Aye!
844
00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:58,873
Anyone who's not crazy
and actually wants to win,
845
00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:02,874
and recognizes Chapman as our
one true captain and leader, say aye.
846
00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:05,390
- Aye!
- [laughs]
847
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:09,474
This is bullshit.
Fuckin' Florida always messes the vote.
848
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:12,280
All right, Doggett.
Let's see what you got.
849
00:49:15,280 --> 00:49:16,475
[blender whirring]
850
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,270
You know, I read the ingredients
in that stuff.
851
00:49:20,360 --> 00:49:23,478
It's all just crushed up cartilage
and casein.
852
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:26,871
Casein is an ancient superfood
in a modern packaging.
853
00:49:27,880 --> 00:49:29,155
We're out, Hopper.
854
00:49:30,080 --> 00:49:32,720
Ginger, you scoop the last scoop,
you throw it out.
855
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:34,416
It's like if you use
the last of the toilet paper,
856
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:37,877
you change the roll.
It's common courtesy. Civil contract.
857
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:40,191
Sounds like someone's having
roommate issues.
858
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:43,717
No. Besides the TP thing
and the abusing Nana thing,
859
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:46,395
my roommate is searing perfection.
860
00:49:46,480 --> 00:49:50,633
Good on you, Hopper.
I'm glad you finally found someone.
861
00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:55,033
It gets wearisome after a while,
seeing virile young men like yourself
862
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:58,113
not able to connect with someone
from the opposite sex.
863
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:01,954
To sustain a successful relationship,
864
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:05,192
you need to accept each other's faults,
you know?
865
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:07,715
And love each other anyway.
866
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:11,316
And to see a stubborn goat like you
867
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:16,270
break through your inner walls
of self-protection and judgment,
868
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:19,194
to really create a meaningful connection?
869
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:23,680
It almost feels like
there's hope for the rest of us.
870
00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:25,953
See you tomorrow, Romeo.
871
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:39,992
Well, how was it?
872
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:45,632
That'll give you an ear infection.
873
00:50:45,720 --> 00:50:49,839
Just because we live together,
does not mean I have to listen to you.
874
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:51,559
Ah.
875
00:50:51,640 --> 00:50:55,759
This is how it starts, isn't it?
First, they turn you against...
876
00:50:55,840 --> 00:50:57,240
They?
877
00:50:57,800 --> 00:51:00,440
Funny, I have never met "they."
878
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:05,033
Though I have met quite an array
of people since being here.
879
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:09,956
Um, there's the drug-running kind,
the robbering kind, the tax-evading kind.
880
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:14,831
There is the lying-behind-your-back kind,
the liar-liar-pants-on-fire kind,
881
00:51:14,920 --> 00:51:19,437
the kind that locks the princess
in the tower for no good reason kind.
882
00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:22,035
So many people, but "they"?
883
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:27,598
Yeah. I still don't know
what kind of people "they" are.
884
00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:29,756
The killing kind.
885
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:32,514
No one has tried to kill me today.
886
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:35,394
So...
887
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:45,315
Look... I'm sorry I tried
to Flowers in The Attic you.
888
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:49,872
- [scoffs]
- That was wrong, and you're right.
889
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:53,118
They don't wanna kill you.
It's me they're after.
890
00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:59,637
Guess I was afraid
they'd figure out how to turn you.
891
00:51:59,760 --> 00:52:00,955
Turn?
892
00:52:01,040 --> 00:52:05,034
[scoffs] Me? Against you?
893
00:52:05,120 --> 00:52:08,318
Well... you are my roommate
894
00:52:09,240 --> 00:52:11,550
and you are susceptible.
895
00:52:11,640 --> 00:52:15,429
No, I am not susceptible! I am not!
896
00:52:17,240 --> 00:52:19,072
I am your friend.
897
00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:27,319
Navigating adult female friendships
is so complicated.
898
00:52:28,600 --> 00:52:30,159
I hear you, sister.
899
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:52,397
I promise I will let you know
if someone asks me to murder you.
900
00:52:56,000 --> 00:53:00,153
In fact, I could even be your spy
on the outside.
901
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:03,079
No, I spy with my little eye...
902
00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:07,480
Who are we looking for again,
and why do they wanna kill you?
903
00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:15,318
You ever heard
of the Little Debbie Murderers?
904
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:19,031
Carol and Barb?
905
00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:23,080
This was my claim to fame
when I was waitressing at Domingo's.
906
00:53:23,160 --> 00:53:26,119
Here we go. Barbie always has to be
the center of attention.
907
00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:31,416
She puts a round piece of plastic
and she sticks it up against the lid.
908
00:53:31,440 --> 00:53:34,319
Carol, you ruin all the fun.
909
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:39,478
Speaking of Domingo's,
I got a story for ya.
910
00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:42,997
So it's post-game on a Friday, right?
And our high school won
911
00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:47,040
and everyone goes to Domingo's
after the games, especially if you win.
912
00:53:47,160 --> 00:53:50,312
So the place is packed,
everybody's celebrating.
913
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:53,677
It's the whole fuckin' town,
and in the middle of the chaos,
914
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:56,719
this guy at one of my tables
asks me for the classifieds.
915
00:53:56,800 --> 00:54:01,158
And I'm like, "Now?" [chuckles]
916
00:54:01,240 --> 00:54:05,314
But I like his mustache,
and he looks like he's a good tipper.
917
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:09,838
So I go out to the parking lot
and I buy the paper and I bring it to him,
918
00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:11,991
and you know what he says?
919
00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:15,756
He's like, "Miss, why are you bringing me
the classifieds?
920
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:18,196
I asked for a glass of ice."
921
00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:20,840
[all laugh]
922
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:27,277
Great story, Carol.
Except, that actually happened to me.
923
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:30,469
- No, it didn't.
- Yeah, it did.
924
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:34,917
You know, life happens
to other people, too, Barb.
925
00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:36,936
Besides, you weren't even waiting tables
that night.
926
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:39,316
Exactly. 'Cause I was working the bar,
927
00:54:39,400 --> 00:54:41,631
and that's where he was
when he asked for the ice.
928
00:54:41,720 --> 00:54:44,030
Which makes sense,
because you order ice at the bar.
929
00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:46,191
Well, I remember going out
to get the paper
930
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:47,999
because I had to get change for it.
931
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:51,073
And it was so cold,
I was freezing my tits off.
932
00:54:51,160 --> 00:54:53,800
Now I know you're lying
because you never had tits.
933
00:54:55,720 --> 00:54:59,396
Sounded to me like it was Carol's story.
What do you think?
934
00:54:59,480 --> 00:55:02,632
I think we should walk away
before we get caught up in their nonsense.
935
00:55:02,720 --> 00:55:04,473
Why do you do this?
936
00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:06,950
Do what? Call out your bullcrap?
937
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:08,190
Bull-true!
938
00:55:09,040 --> 00:55:09,999
What?
939
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:14,199
Nothing. Just...
You do like to exaggerate. So, you know...
940
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:15,634
Guess she agrees with me.
941
00:55:15,720 --> 00:55:18,394
- I'll fuckin' kill you!
- Carol, get off!
942
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:22,192
[all shouting]
943
00:55:25,120 --> 00:55:29,751
Got so bad,
they put them in separate blocks.
944
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:30,759
[Suzanne] Hmm.
945
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:36,233
And from there, those two
started turning us against one another.
946
00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:41,714
They expected us to buy into their fight.
Take sides.
947
00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:46,033
I wasn't gonna die over some stupid story.
948
00:55:49,160 --> 00:55:51,311
I swiped this for you
on my C-Block run today.
949
00:55:52,480 --> 00:55:55,314
Yes! That's my girl. [laughs]
950
00:55:55,400 --> 00:55:59,076
Thank you. Come on. Sit, Nicky.
951
00:56:01,120 --> 00:56:03,271
Nah. Yeah, I should go.
952
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:06,434
Barb, I think she's right.
953
00:56:06,520 --> 00:56:09,877
Relax, Daddy-O. Nicky's family.
954
00:56:11,560 --> 00:56:12,994
Sit.
955
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:18,878
[clears throat] Actually,
I could use your brain on this one.
956
00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:19,996
[Nicky] Mmm-hmm.
957
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:24,040
So, I have finally found a way
to get Carol.
958
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:28,319
We're gonna do it while she's getting
that bird's nest on her head trimmed.
959
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:31,950
The problem is, the hair clippers,
they don't go deep enough.
960
00:56:32,040 --> 00:56:33,474
- The scissors are dull...
- Man...
961
00:56:33,560 --> 00:56:35,631
...so we need some options.
962
00:56:35,720 --> 00:56:39,270
Now personally, I prefer a heavy,
blunt object, okay?
963
00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:41,352
But shivs are easier to hide.
964
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:45,070
And considering all the others
that are gonna be in there,
965
00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:49,837
we need a few weapons handy.
What do you think?
966
00:56:49,920 --> 00:56:52,833
I... Look, Barb, you can't do this.
967
00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:56,798
They're gonna throw you in the SHU.
968
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:00,519
Not if we grease the right palms.
969
00:57:01,280 --> 00:57:04,557
Look, Barb, I'm telling you
that this is too dangerous.
970
00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:10,031
Nicky, honey, I have no choice.
971
00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:13,716
You saw what she did to me.
She will try it again.
972
00:57:13,800 --> 00:57:16,360
There's gotta be another way.
973
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:21,549
What? You don't approve?
Do you think I'm some kind of monster?
974
00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:25,077
Come on. Of course not.
All right? I just...
975
00:57:25,160 --> 00:57:28,392
I'm concerned, that's all.
976
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:34,238
You know, in a weird way,
this is all thanks to you, Nicky.
977
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,040
You helped me get sober.
978
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:39,032
I feel like I've...
979
00:57:39,120 --> 00:57:42,113
I feel like I've woken from a long sleep.
980
00:57:42,200 --> 00:57:45,477
Like the world is flush
with possibilities now.
981
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:48,791
Ah. You're welcome.
982
00:57:55,440 --> 00:57:58,319
♪ Sisters, sisters ♪
983
00:57:59,680 --> 00:58:03,479
♪ There were never such devoted sisters ♪
984
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:07,279
♪ Never had to have a chaperone, no, sir ♪
985
00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:10,956
♪ I'm here to keep my eye on her ♪
986
00:58:11,040 --> 00:58:14,636
♪ Those who've seen us ♪
987
00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:18,674
♪ Know that not a thing
can come between us ♪
988
00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:24,597
♪ Many men have tried to split us up
but no one can ♪
989
00:58:26,560 --> 00:58:33,433
♪ Lord, help the mister
Who comes between me and my sister ♪
990
00:58:33,520 --> 00:58:37,400
♪ And Lord, help the sister ♪
991
00:58:37,480 --> 00:58:40,996
♪ Who comes between me and my man ♪
992
00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:53,517
♪ Sisters, sisters ♪
993
00:58:55,280 --> 00:58:59,354
♪ Sister, don't come
between me and my man ♪