Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
That shit is disgusting, man. I don't know how you drink it.
Yum.
If I could tell five-year-old me that one day he'd be able to get drunk
off the liquid equivalent
of Werther's Originals for $5.98 a bottle,
he'd be fucking psyched.
Or, actually, really confused about what drunk means.
Lucky you.
Five-year-old me knew exactly what being drunk meant.
- Want a nibble? - Nah, man. I... I gotta work.
So?
Ah, my manager's up my ass, you know?
He's gonna know I'm high the second he sees me.
You didn't listen to me, man.
I told you, you gotta show up high on your first day, man.
That way they think that's who you are.
But no, you had to go and make a good impression,
get off on the right foot.
Now, you're screwed.
Can't let other people define you, man.
When are you getting the boot off your truck?
After I get my bike out of impound.
Thanks for the ride.
Boom!
Mmm! Hey, um, Joel?
- Me? - Sorry, did I get that wrong?
I thought it was Joel.
I saw it on your mailbox, uh, which is overflowing.
I just think you might wanna take care of that before Piscatella sees.
Keep things orderly and in order!
- Uh, what's your, uh, first name? - Baxter.
Your parents named you Baxter Bayley?
That sounds like a cartoon dog name.
My dad's really into dogs, actually, so...
Uh, it's weird.
- Yeah. - Here's the thing, Baxter Bayley, uh...
I don't really like to pay too much attention to anything around here,
especially if it requires me to do something as a result.
So, uh, if you're gonna point something out to me,
it should be something awesome, like cake or pie in the break room.
Yeah. Got it, Joel.
Uh... it's, uh... Luschek.
Sorry.
Look, I just... I really think you need to deal with your letters.
- What the hell? - Told you.
_
Oh!
_
"Caputo's dingleberries"?
I gotta go.
Hmm? Okay.
Well, I will let you know if I see cake or pie.
Great.
- Thanks. - Have fun.
Oh, hey, morning, sugar.
Inmate.
Do I smell butterscotch?
Ah.
Do I look like my 92-year-old nana?
Ooh, boy. Somebody's in a mood this morning.
So, what have you got there?
- Fan mail. - Ah! Oh, wait.
All right, little advice.
You wanna get yourself a signature stamp,
save you hours.
Aren't you full of time-saving tips?
Mmm. So, you got yourself an overzealous pen pal?
Uh... former inmate here.
And I thought I was special.
Wasn't like that.
That must've taken a lot of courage.
Remember, you have a community that serves you.
Thank you for your honesty today.
Now, before I distribute today's chips,
join me in the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Okay.
So it looks like I only have one chip to celebrate today,
and it's a goody.
Nichols.
Care to come up here?
- Three years. Well done. - Thank you.
Hey! Well, shit, man,
if I knew you guys were gonna clap, I would've brought my tap shoes.
Uh, you know, to be honest,
I never really believed in this bullshit before, you know?
I'd go to rehab and no one told me
that you guys give it away for free in here.
I should've just gotten locked up, like, a decade ago,
saved my mom a suitcase of cash.
Although, I do miss the cigarettes.
Aw.
- Really miss the cigarettes. - Damn.
Hey... and like, how the fuck do you have AA with no smokes?
It's nuts.
And it's criminal. You know, so to speak.
Anyway...
This valueless piece of crappy plastic really means a lot to me.
Uh...
symbolism, et cetera.
Well, screw it, you know, I'm fucking proud of myself, so...
All right, everyone. So, I'll see you tomorrow.
Keep coming back.
It works if you work it.
Okay.
- You fucking kidding me? - Contraband.
Shit.
Morning, sister.
Sorry, I, uh... I have a thing...
over here.
I would've asked, but since we're sneaking
into each other's bunks in the middle of the night,
I thought it was... safe to assume.
I was sleepwalking.
Climbing... whispering.
- What's going on with you? - Nothing. I'm great.
I'm just sitting here...
enjoying the prison breeze.
I'm worried about you.
The other night was really out of character.
Maybe it's entirely in character, but you wouldn't know
because we haven't talked in so long.
Fine.
I will leave you alone.
But I'm here if you ever wanna drop the sarcasm and talk to me.
Oh, my God.
How generous!
Now you have time for me? Now you wanna talk?
Where were you before? When I needed you?
I begged you to listen to me,
and you were too busy fucking that tattooed kangaroo
and calling me paranoid.
I spent months thinking that I was crazy because of you!
And you know what? I was right.
Right? What do you mean, you were right?
Nothing. Never mind. I have to go.
Most likely to be an undercover baller goes to...
Maritza.
I have dreamt about this moment my whole life.
No, but for real, though,
that was, like, some James Bond-level shit.
- Ooh! - Panty Galore. Hi.
No, but seriously, when do we get paid?
Alonso's gonna let me know when all the inventory's sold.
Yo, this is a real shame.
- Hmm? - We got a group here, right?
We got a system. So...
Oh, why we ain't going after the hard stuff?
That's true. How much we ever gonna make off panties?
Yo, we gotta be patient, all right?
Our crew ain't about nothing illegal, you hear me?
- This is the game in here right now. - Why?
So we're gonna play the game and we're gonna win.
On behalf of the Litchfield Safety Task Force,
you need to halt your gathering.
What the fuck you saying?
Congress...
Shit. No, that's not it.
Um, conga...
Ca... Conga. Conga. This shit?
"Congregating." It's "congregating."
Yeah. Congregating...
... in a group of four or more is no longer allowed.
What?
- Man, get the fuck outta here. Stupid. - So stupid.
Look, you dirt taco.
Whoa!
You move along
or I'll call a CO over here and get y'all some shots.
What'd you just call her?
- What's the problem? - They're gathering, sir.
Oh, gathering, huh?
Well, I guess that's some shots.
- What? - Oh! Are you serious, man?
- Yeah. - Are you fucking kidding me?
Really?
It's like he's in my head.
- It's like he's talking right to me. - That's good.
Can I pitch you a crazy idea?
You wanna make me breakfast.
That is very sweet.
Stick with me for just a second.
We have all these issues because of the overcrowding, right?
We have lack of space, unemployment, bad behavior,
but you know what I think the biggest problem we have is?
My hunger?
Boredom.
The inmates are restless.
They have nothing to fill up their time, so they're...
they're picking fights and they're acting out,
and you can't really blame 'em,
and we don't have the money to give them jobs,
but we can give 'em something else.
Something that gives them a reason to...
to get dressed in the morning.
That makes them more productive members of society,
in and out of prison.
We can give 'em classes.
That sounds expensive.
But it wouldn't have to be.
MCC would never let one of those
fruity liberal arts schools inside our walls.
I know that. That's why I was thinking
we can train the guards to lead the classes.
We don't have to teach calculus,
just some more concrete life skills.
We can call them...
enrichment classes.
This can make a real difference in some of these women's lives.
And maybe ours, too.
If I can get this off the ground...
it has the potential to be career-defining.
Right?
I can help.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I know how to pitch things to MCC.
It's all about using the right language with them,
putting things in their terms.
When I'm in my flow, they don't even realize
what they're saying yes to.
You think that's the right approach?
Absolutely. You let me handle them.
You focus on your legacy. Go, team.
Go, team!
And go omelet, maybe?
Like, a scramble?
- Scramble? You're hungry? - Love a scramble.
- I'm hungry. I'm starving. - You need to eat.
This is good, Joe. This is so good.
- I'm gonna make you an omelet. - Great. Go, team!
This week we seen two sets of titties on the walls,
which is less than four the week before,
and only one pussy.
Uh, but to be honest, it wasn't really drawed that well,
so I don't think anybody knew it was supposed to be a pussy, anyway.
Yeah, chalking that up as a win all around.
Been breaking up groups of border niggers
and plain niggers, too.
Spooking spooks. Crunching nachos. Ain't nothing.
This has been moderately to minimally helpful.
Thank you, inmates.
Wait, we got more.
Some of us girls have also been noticing panties.
Why don't you just, uh, leave the strip-searching up to us?
Not the regular panties. The fancy ones from the sewing job.
Slutty panties.
Well, I think they're pretty.
Shouldn't we be focusing on gang activity?
Girls wearing panties sounds pretty harmless to me.
For perverts.
- Cash money. Crotch sniffing. - Yeah.
It's a business. We heard.
You're telling me that somebody's making money off of dirty panties?
Yeah, they're selling for, like, $700 to Chinamen in China.
That's what we heard.
Oh, we heard that. Yeah.
Thank you for your intel.
Keep it steady.
All right, I got it.
Yeah, see, if you wanted to be the United States,
you should've been the women, because they're good at soccer.
Whereas the men, not so much.
I'm not gonna be some chick team, dude.
- Oh, damn it! - Yeah, that's offsides.
I can't concentrate with all the noise from the idiots out there.
You want a soda?
- Anything harder? - Aren't you on the clock?
"Aren't you on the clock?"
Maybe I should just call the cable company instead.
If you wanna pay for it, sure.
Teaching them to install illegal cable doesn't exactly sound like rehabilitation.
Hey, it's a practical skill in the real world, my friend.
I'm bleeding.
- What the fuck did you do? - Jesus.
I cut myself with that shitty, rusty wire cutter you gave us.
- Come on, run. - What? No, I need to go to medical!
At halftime, just...
wrap a sock around it or something.
One more scar's not gonna change your world.
Fucking asshole.
Oh, goal! Take that, fucker!
I wasn't even playing, man.
You're such a piece of shit.
What did you say, inmate?
I said, you're a piece of shit!
- You wanna spend some time in the SHU? - Hey, man, she needs to go to medical.
Are you defending her?
If she's telling you she needs something,
you need to listen to her.
They're people, for Christ's sake.
It's our job to take care of these women.
Do your fucking job! You're not listening to her.
Are you joking?
Get out of my house.
No? Not joking?
It's been a real buzzkill.
Let's go, tetanus.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
What?
Can you give us a ride?
Hey, get a move on, inmate.
What's your business?
Well, I figured I'd bust out of here
and sell generic disinfectant and cleaning rags on the street for pennies.
Man, come on. It's me.
Answer the question.
I am a cleaning porter,
as my giant accomplice here might indicate.
Take a left down hallway A,
a right down hallway 21...
and then report to the SHU gate.
Oh, hey, let me ask you a question.
Uh, at what point do I get to meet the wizard?
Oh, thank you.
See ya.
Michigan, Lansing.
Minnesota, Jackson.
Missouri, Jefferson City.
Mississippi. You forgot Mississippi.
Mississippi.
God damn.
I always do that.
Shut that motherfucker!
What, you a Peeping Tom now?
Hi, Burset.
Be honest with me.
Ever seen me look this ravishing?
Uh...
if we're using "ravishing" as a synonym for "horrendous," never.
Nichols, right?
You're on this hallway a lot?
Maybe once a week.
And I never really know where they're gonna assign me.
Listen.
Can you get me a blanket?
Bring it in next time you come through?
I'd love to help you, I just, uh...
I'm really trying to keep on the straight and narrow.
Please. I'm not sleeping.
I'm gonna lose my mind if I don't get some rest.
And we both know what happens if you go insane in this place, right?
Hey, uh, I feel you. I really do.
But think about it, I don't even know where to find a spare.
Even if I did, they'd just spot it in a second.
You'd be fucked. I'd be fucked.
I get it.
Sorry I asked.
Hold on.
Here.
At least that'll keep your mind occupied.
All right, so just go slowly, all right?
Read every word, even the ads.
Reciting the capitals helps me if that doesn't work.
- I gotta go. I gotta go. Okay. - What's it like outside today?
Is it raining?
Go.
Whoa, Snow White and her high hoes.
Why don't you get in the back of the line?
- Next. - What's going on?
Oh, it's a stop-and-frisk.
Over here. Next.
Over here.
Thank you.
- Next. - Are you wearing?
Mmm-hmm.
- Here. - Fuck.
Next.
Over here, please.
Oh, yeah, hustle.
Next.
Right over here.
Go.
Next.
Go.
You.
No.
You.
You look interesting.
- Where are you from, inmate? - Hawaii.
Ooh.
Well, over here.
Aloha.
- Next. - Well, hello there, CO, sir.
How are you today?
Go.
Come on.
And next.
Next.
Shit.
Next.
Look at this.
Oh, shit. That's Betty Cracker herself.
I was in that grass this morning.
That exact grass.
Damn. We could've been in this pic. Been all prison famous.
You know what's better than being famous?
Uh... pizza, daisies, smelly markers,
any animal, a really good dream, a warm bath,
- picking a booger, a dry one... - Ugh!
... pizza, graham crackers and icing sandwiches,
the feeling you get when you make a really good joke
and someone laughs, in a nice way, not a mean way, and they...
- Money! - Money?
Cash money, y'all.
Yo, do you know how much these paparazzi people make
off of one of these celebrity pictures?
If they be flying these robocops over Litchfield
just to get this janky-ass picture...
imagine how much a close-up could be.
That's what those drones are doing?
The aliens aren't coming?
Yo!
Focus!
- My bad. My bad. - Mmm-hmm.
I got the Internet.
- Where? - You got on Caputo's computer.
Yo! That's a game changer!
I know! I know, I know, I know! Okay, okay, okay.
So, all we got to do now is find ourselves a cell phone,
and we got ourselves a retirement plan.
Yo...
I'm gonna retire in that hotel with the indoor water park in Ohio.
Lord, give me strength.
You got kids?
No.
Wasn't in the cards.
Didn't have the genetics.
Well, that don't stop most people.
Well, there was some family medical history
I didn't wanna pass on.
You?
Well, the... Okay, the me that I used to be wanted 'em...
but considering my present situation...
it's probably good that I didn't make any more little Lolly-pops.
Hey, have you ever seen The Twilight Zone?
Up here every day.
You know, my mother loved it.
And there was an episode
where this couple wakes up in a strange house.
So they go downstairs, and they're looking for other people.
They can't find any other people.
They try to make a call, and all the phones are fake.
- No! - Yes.
And outside, there are fake squirrels,
stuffed... posed on fake trees.
So, at the end...
this really huge hand reaches down from the sky
and picks them up.
And it's a young girl...
but she's a giant...
and the couple are stuck in her play world,
so she can make them do whatever she wants.
Whoa.
My mother...
was... like you.
Similar issues.
And she would always say... that that's how it felt,
like she was locked... in a fake world...
that no one else was part of...
even though it looked exactly the same.
Yeah, I got a lot of prisons in my life, sir.
I got the literal one, duh.
I got the one where I'm on my meds and I can't feel anything.
That is not so great.
Then, I have the worst one...
the prison where I'm usually living in,
and there's all these people, right,
and they're talkin' and talkin' and talkin'.
And they cannot agree on what is the truth.
That's like that episode.
That's exactly right.
How's your mom?
She's fine.
I'm glad.
Thank you.
I need the dead man's keys.
Warm a girl up a little, would ya?
I would very much like to return your witty banter,
but I am too exhausted to be clever.
The keys.
Now.
Are you all right?
I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks.
Hoping to escape to the Motel 6 down the street?
A more practical escape than that, my friend.
How the fuck are you not freaking out right now?
- About the panty raid? - Yes.
- You saw that stop-and-frisk today. - Mmm-hmm.
They're not even looking in our direction,
and they're never going to.
We're good.
I'm playing those guards like a flute. Like a group of flutes, many flutes.
I'm the flautist.
Okay, I get it. You play a mean flute.
But tell me, what's gonna happen when they stop one of the brown girls...
who's wearing panties?
You think she's gonna give up Maria?
Fuck, no. She's gonna point right at you,
because... well, it's the truth, so she won't be lying.
And also, everyone hates you.
If they are coming for me, I will be here.
That is precisely my point.
You're just sitting, waiting. Chapman, make a move. Be a shark.
I am not tearing down everything that I have built.
This business is important to me. It gives me purpose.
Oh... honey bear.
See... now we come to the point in our journey
where it's time for you to think about someone other than yourself.
You brought people into this.
You're responsible for us.
If you wanna wear the crown, you gotta be willing
to fall on your sword.
Everything's gonna be okay. I'm not worried.
Someone is going to go down for this, Chapman...
and for my sake...
I hope it isn't you.
When you say that everybody hates me,
you're being a little hyperbolic, right?
I'm afraid we're gonna have to wrap it up, ladies.
- Aw! - Have a good day,
and remember our theme.
Use what you've got!
Thank you.
Oh, good, good.
- Yes. Yes. - All right. See you later. Thank you.
Oh, Lord.
Are you gonna keep dancing over there like a little girl who has to pee
or are you gonna come over here and tell me what's wrong?
Look.
- What's this? - That is freshly whipped butter.
And Bill puts this Maldon salt
in my care package. This is my heroin.
Now, I'm not supposed to tell anybody, so keep quiet about it.
There we go. Cheers.
Mmm!
Holy fuck.
That's good.
Better than a good shit in the morning.
That's my favorite thing.
Oh, sweetie, that's everybody's favorite thing.
Don't go thinking that makes you original.
Now, what are you moping about around here?
Did your girlfriend write to you again?
Well, she's not my girlfriend, first of all...
Right.
I don't know, it's weird.
I, like, care or something.
- Oh. - 'Cause normally, I do not give a shit.
- Mmm-hmm. - About anything...
and especially this.
Maybe the chocolate I had was bad.
It doesn't make sense, because... she fucked up.
Man, did she fuck up. But...
I knew it was bad for her
and I got involved anyway, and now she's worse off than before.
Really gotta suck ass down there.
God, what was that, like, sympathy or something?
Mr. Luschek...
I believe that what you are referring to is called guilt.
But I don't have anything to feel guilty about.
Well, guilt is tricky that way.
Yeah, look, I need an honest opinion.
- Am I a piece of shit? - Do you want it straight?
- No. - Mmm. All right.
From what I've observed,
you're lazy, you're selfish as all get-out...
you don't care about much, you don't seem to shower that often.
But you are funny as hell, and I think you're genuine,
which is hard to come by. So, all in all,
I think that makes you... Hmm... What?
Half a piece of shit.
But there's always time for change.
That's the thing.
There's literally nothing for me to do.
She's in max. I can't do anything for her.
And maybe she doesn't even deserve it, even if I could do something.
Well, everybody deserves kindness.
Oh, God, I really got you on that one.
"Everybody deserves kindness"?
What do you think I am?
Some black granny knitting on a porch in Savannah?
Come on.
Stop whining in my kitchen and go figure this out.
Oh...
You are a straight, white man.
You don't get to be the victim, sweetie.
Yeah, that whole thing's gonna flip at some point, right?
Hey.
Care if I join you?
All right, what are you doin'?
You're not in a very lovey mood, I see.
"Lovey"?
What is that? Is that, like, an acceptable word where you come from?
No, hey, 'cause here in America... Yeah, that makes us barf.
Okay, well, how would you describe the other night in the bathroom then?
'Cause the way you were screaming my name...
it was pretty hot.
I was just doing my very best Streetcar Named Desire impression.
"Stella!"
That's the, uh, the Meryl Streep one?
Yeah, I hate it when you talk sometimes.
No...
all the time.
Jesus.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
You know, rough day.
I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from me
if you were back on that shit.
You're disgusting.
Fucking hell.
Heard you need a thing I have.
A religion that'll stone me to death if I get raped?
Mmm, no thanks, I'm good.
I'll go ahead and assume
Bernie Madoff speaks for your entire religion, too.
Ignorant asshole.
All right. Okay.
Now...
what you talkin' 'bout?
Shit! Wait a minute.
How'd you know I need that?
You make the mistake of assuming anything is private in here.
All right, what you want for it?
Box of tampons for 15 minutes.
Oh, hell, no.
Look, I'll give you one tampon for an hour.
That's unreasonable.
So is God, but that don't stop him.
Are you comparing yourself to God?
I mean, do you even have, like,
one teeny-tiny, itty-bitty bit of humor left in you?
Or does your headscarf numb that part of your brain?
Offer's off the table.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
You know you just lost, right?
Winnin', losin'.
I'm so enlightened, those words don't mean nothin' to me.
Hey, I'm telling you, you made a mistake.
I don't get visitors.
Hello, sunshine.
Oh, hey, fuckwad.
Thanks for your sappy love letters.
I wanted you to know I cared.
You know, in my family, "fuck you" meant, uh,
"you really get me," so, joke's on you.
What the fuck are you doin' here?
I was in the neighborhood.
Came to say hi, thought you could use some company.
Yeah, 'cause I'm really lonely, uh...
with my five roommates and 400 other people
that I gotta shit and eat with on a daily basis.
Wait!
You know, you put me in a really crappy position, Nichols.
I almost lost my job because of you.
You're shitting me right now, right?
Just gimme a second to work up to it.
Look...
I wanted to say that I'm sorry...
... that things
ended up the way that they did.
Now, I'm sure it's not great down here.
There.
- That's it. - Wow!
Are you the symbol of empathy.
No, Luschek, things aren't great.
Let's see, uh... I'm sober, so that's something.
All right, like, uh, intentionally sober,
not barely-skating-by sober, for the first time in my life.
Um... hardest fuckin' thing I've ever done
and, oh, yeah, I picked a hell of a time to do it
considering that anything you want down here is available to you
and less than a foot away at practically all times.
Uh, what else, what else? Let me catch you up, uh...
- I have no family, uh... - I am completely alone.
I have no friends.
And, uh, yeah, yeah! It's all my fault, so...
thank you for coming all the way down here
and, uh, reminding me of all that,
while also managing to conveniently clear your own conscience, you know.
- I fuckin' really appreciate it! - Hey. Hey.
I'm sorry. Uh...
Hey, next time, do me a favor, right,
just do it the old-fashioned way
and cum all over my face and then leave, okay?
Fuck you!
Mmm.
You okay?
Does it bother you that I, like...
I never...
- Nah, girl. I'm good. - You know...
But it's so one-sided.
You admittin' you're a pillow princess?
Okay, what is that?
Oh.
You know, like, um...
Your head's always on the pillow, and you don't really do much else.
- Stop. - That is totally what I am!
Oh, no!
See? I don't even know the lingo.
You don't need to know the lingo.
Look.
We'll ease into it, okay?
All right? You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do.
You're ready when you're ready.
You taste like vagina.
So, did you figure it out yet, you piece of shit?
Rub my nose in it. Thanks.
What happened?
- I went to visit her. - Mmm-hmm.
Made it worse.
Well, did you make it about her? Or did you make it about yourself?
I apologized to her.
I thought you didn't do anything wrong.
Yeah. Well, I didn't.
That makes my apology even more meaningful.
Only if it's genuine.
Who made up all these rules?
Do you want me to call you a piece of shit again?
Would that be more helpful?
I gotta tell Caputo how everything went down.
That's the only way to get her out of there.
Won't you lose your job?
Most definitely.
Well, that is the most idiotic plan that I have ever heard.
Now, this is comin' from a lady who once tried to sell her own line of ketchup.
But... Heinz is the only ketchup.
Nobody wants fancy ketchup.
Where were you in '96?
- I was 14. - Oh, go fuck yourself.
Honey, you can't confess.
It's not gonna do you or her a lick of good.
And besides, nobody ever confesses because it's the right thing to do.
They confess out of self-interest.
- Yes, exactly! - Hmm.
I can't keep carrying around all this guilt!
Well, sounds like you're gonna have to, my friend.
Now, can I get me some of that?
Come on, butterscotch is my favorite.
Thank you.
Mmm!
I really don't like feelings.
Uh-uh.
Puff, puff, pass.
Charleston, West Virginia.
Madison, Wisconsin.
Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Montgomery, Alabama.
You, cleaning lady.
We need a mop in room 12.
Well, I prefer Ms. Cleaning Lady, but sure, demean me.
Where's Burset?
Shut up and do your work...
Ms. Cleaning Lady. We need that cell.
Good morning to you, too.
What's up?
Mmm-mmm.
What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.
You don't have to do that.
- But... - Look, I don't want you to do that
'cause you think that's what I want.
I want you to want to do it. You feel me?
I don't wanna screw this up again.
What's... what's going on up there?
What if I never want to?
I just have all these questions, you know? Like...
what does this mean?
What would happen if we both got out?
I...
I don't know if this would be enough for me.
You mean, you don't know if I would be enough for you.
But... No, it's not you. You are amazing.
But you're a girl.
So you're saying you don't wanna be with me.
No.
I...
I just don't know...
if I'll ever be what you need me to be.
You gotta let me handle that.
What do you mean?
Look, maybe...
this challenges what you thought you were.
And...
maybe I'm gonna get my heart broken in a thousand different pieces.
But those are maybes.
You can't live your life accordin' to maybes.
I love you.
You do?
I love you, too.
She can see us. Move over.
I have 11 cards.
You're supposed to have 11 cards.
Okay, good. That's good.
Then, that... No, this is awesome.
Hey, Alex.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Alone? - Whatever you need to say to me,
you can say in front of my good friend, Lolly, here.
That's me. I'm the good friend.
I didn't know you two were so close.
Oh, you didn't get the, uh, friend announcement that we sent out?
I'm kind of in a rush, but I would really like to talk to you.
It's not laundry day.
Well, I've got a lot of dirty stuff, so...
Okay. Cool.
What did you mean when you said you were right?
Nothing, I just...
I just knew you were gonna get swept up in all that.
Oh.
Well, they say hindsight is 20/20, so...
See you later.
Okay, that was like watching a really bad play.
What the hell is this mess doin' here?
We had it cleared 20 minutes ago, sir.
I left to go on rounds, and by the time I came back,
it was up again. We can't keep on top of it.
Well, take care of it. Now.
- Hey, you have a place to sleep. - Ow! What the fuck?
Rouse it up! You have quarters.
- Who the fuck just kicked me? - Wake-up time.
I was just...
Get these pillows, get these sheets, fold them.
It hasn't even healed yet!
Come on.
You don't need your own tepee. This is a prison, not a sleepover.
Oh, shit! Yo, warden!
Hey, yo. Long time no see, man.
Yo, how's it hanging?
- Hey, looking sharp, huh? - Step back, inmate.
We have this handled, sir.
Hey, Mr. Caputo.
Look at this. It's a basket I've been making.
You wanna know how?
- Sure. - I've been unraveling all the socks
that people throw away.
Individually dyeing each strand with the pink soap in the bathroom,
or the green mush, I think it's peas, and other stuff with color.
Then, I took the string and I weaved it over trash bags.
Three hundred hours. Still not done.
Yeah, idle time is the devil's workshop.
When do we get to work?
Yeah, I can't pay for nothin' at commissary.
Age discrimination. That's what I'm calling it.
Inmates, back up.
I'll have this under control in five minutes...
I've got this.
Ladies, I have heard your complaints...
and trust me, they have not fallen on deaf ears.
In fact, I can't tell you much yet,
but we have an exciting new educational program that will be announced soon.
Bringin' back the GED program?
- Yeah, remember that one? - Mmm.
I think you'll all be very satisfied.
In the meantime, hang in there.
Keep your heads up, okay? And...
take care of each other. This is beautiful work.
Thanks. And I'll believe it when I see it.
- You'll see it. - All right, let's go. Make a path.
Let's make a path.
Caputo!
Caputo! Caputo! Caputo!
- What happened to you? - I'm not sure.
- She's still out? - Goin' on hour 19 now.
Guess she really needed to sleep.
I'm sorry, okay?
God, why is everyone always so mad at me?
You think she's dead?
I don't like her that much,
but I wouldn't want her to be dead or nothin'.
We'd have heard if she was dead. Ain't no secrets in this place.
But if she is dead, I call dibs on those little glasses she wears on a string.
I think my eyes are starting to go.
Looks like it's your lucky day, inmate.
Yo, what the fuck are you doing?
- Get off me, man. Ouch! - Nah, I don't think I will.
We searched your bunks.
Found some interesting evidence under your bed.
- What? What? - Underwear evidence.
Dude, you blew the mystery.
Oh, come on. Like she doesn't know what's under her own bunk?
What the fuck?
As I understand, Cindy, you need a cell phone.
- Mmm-hmm. - Abdullah, you have a cell phone.
I am sure we can reach some sort of agreement for this problem.
No, the problem is she gobblin' up all my real estate
like some hateful Monopoly shoe.
I am always the car in Monopoly.
You know...
I never did shit to you except claim what was rightfully mine.
They gave me a bed, I slept in it.
And ever since, you been makin' this bunk an unsafe place.
See, that's funny, 'cause I think nine out of ten experts would agree
that you made shit unsafe when you put a bomb in here.
I retaliated against actions you took.
Oh, hell, no...
Ladies! Ladies. Let's remember to use "I" statements, please.
Seems like diggin' up the past ain't gonna get us nowhere.
Let's try to remember to stay focused on moving forward.
Fine.
I... want in.
You can use the phone for however long you want,
if I get 25% of the payday you get from that magazine.
Seems fair to me. Cindy?
I don't trust her.
So? You think people trusted L. Ron Hubbard?
Fuck, no. But that don't stop Scientologists
from handing over fistfuls of money to him.
I know! Hold...
- You read Going Clear? - Of course!
How about when that crazy psycho told his wife
to kill herself so he wouldn't have to get divorced?
- I know, man! I know! - Mmm-hmm.
You know them fuckers don't even pay taxes?
- Oh, girl! - And we're the criminals?
I heard that. Oh, I got a theory!
What's your theory, dawg?
What if he like Tupac? Not really dead.
- Mmm. - Still alive?
Alive!
- They're not mine. - I should hope not.
That's a lot of dirty underpants for one girl...
- in a lot of different sizes. - Yeah, I didn't do nothing.
See, that's where our perspectives start to diverge, Ruiz...
because the evidence says otherwise.
Come on.
Everyone knows that's Chapman's gig.
Chapman?
Who started the very task force that uncovered your illegal operation?
I don't think so.
That's it, isn't it, right?
If I was white and blonde,
you wouldn't think so about me, either.
Well, that's some corrupt racist bullshit you're runnin' 'round here.
In light of your crimes... I will be recommending
that the judge add three to five years to your sentence.
Uh... what?
Are you... You can't do that.
Come on, just send me to the SHU for a couple of weeks and get it over with.
It's fucking underwear! We're not talking about drugs here! Jesus!
That would be easy, right?
Send you away for a couple weeks, forget this ever happened.
Well, that's not how things work around here anymore, inmate.
You stole property...
... from a private company and started a for-profit business.
You organized inmates.
You ask me,
- looks a whole lot like gang activity... - Oh, come on.
... which you would know a lot about, wouldn't you?
Isn't that the family business?
You know what we do with gang leaders, Ruiz?
We make examples of 'em.
So get back down there and tell your muchachas
how poor choices...
can ruin a life.
Maybe cry...
'cause it's so sad.
Just say thank you, and then get back to being your cute, gruff self.
- Excuse me? - I solved your problem. Say thank you.
- What problem? - With your little friend?
I don't understand.
Oh, honey.
A little money and a good lawyer go a long way.
Then why are you in prison?
You don't wanna fuck with the IRS, that's all I can tell you.
So she's really comin' back?
Ugh. Don't look at me like I am some kind of saint.
You're my only friend in here.
I was not about to let you make some kind of stupid decision
and leave me here all by myself.
Nor could I take your bellyaching anymore.
Two birds, one stone.
Now, get over here.
Have a seat.
I'm... I really shouldn't.
If you close that door, nobody will know you're in here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I make it sound like you had a choice?
I took care of you.
Now you are gonna take care of me.
Butterscotch.
- Stay cool. - What's happening?
I was a shark.
I made a move.
I am going to bury you!
You're never coming back from this. Never.
What did you do?
I had to protect my people.
I had to.
You okay?
They're giving me more time.
This bitch frames me, and they're stealing my life.
What? Over fucking panties?
Yo, my baby girl's gonna be in kindergarten
by the time I get outta here now.
That bitch is mine.
Fuck it.
- We goin' legit. - Fuck, yeah.
You talkin' 'bout drugs?
- Yes, you idiot. - All right.
It's about time we was for real.
I'm here about the thing.
You understand the payment?
Need your signature on this.
Nichols?
Huh.
Well, my prodigal daughter returneth.
Payment first.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com