[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
I'm not gay.
All right. I'm just saying,
I've noticed a pattern developing around breakfast time.
See, you come in late, just before Vause.
Strategically staggered arrival?
Sounds familiar.
No, absolutely not.
That's ridiculous.
Okay, where were you then? 'Cause I went by your cube...
Where was I?
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Shh. Show, don't tell.
So, yes, Alex and I have been spending a lot of time together
but it's not like I'm...
What, rejoining the softball league?
No, softball is the furthest thing from my mind.
Oh, no, let me be clear.
By softball, I meant two in her front and then one in the butt,
and then just eating her pussy a lot, 'cause you like it so much.
-Let me explain something to you... -And playing with her titties.
Alex and I are very old friends.
We have an affectionate relationship.
I need that.
I'm human.
It's about comfort, right?
Hey, Morello, remember when we used to comfort each other?
Sure. You were very comfortable.
Hey, guys.
Just barely made breakfast.
Long shower line?
Yeah, it was really awful today.
Your hair's dry.
[pounding on door]
[pounding continues]
[Bennett] Hey!
I can't believe people actually live up here, bro.
Excuse me.
There is, like, nothing around.
-What the fuck? -[yells excitedly]
Oh, shit.
You're like RoboCop.
I think you have the wrong house.
No, I get it now.
You can't get a real job.
That's why they got you up here in Sleepy Hollow.
Yo, Daya know you're a cyborg?
Excuse me?
I guess she must by now, right?
Okay, who the hell are you?
I'm a friend of the family, bro.
All right. Well, um, you need to leave. Now.
When I heard what was going on, I got really concerned,
because I love them Diaz girls.
And then I heard it was a prison guard slipping it to my Daya, papo.
I know you're not taking her to a dinner and a movie first.
But I hear you was in the army,
so I figure you must have some kind of honor code or something, right?
You wouldn't just get a girl pregnant and forget about her, would you?
What?
Where are you gonna put the crib, bro?
What are you talking about?
It's kind of cramped in here, bro.
Maybe you should think about getting a two bedroom.
So kids can have their own room.
For when you're fucking bitches.
[Piper] Oh, gosh!
Am I crazy or do these cards smell faintly like urine?
-Smell that. -Ew! Stop it. Get it away from my face.
What?
Is it bringing back memories?
-What? -Fifty Shades of Crazy Eyes.
-[laughs] Stop it. -Smell it.
Smell it. Why are you trying to look at my cards?
-Cut it out. -I know how you play.
-Don't you look at my cards! -Stop it. Cut it out.
[Alex laughing] Why you doing that?
It's weird how normal this feels.
What?
I feel like I'm 23 and no time has passed.
Well, I think that... when you have a connection with someone,
it never really goes away, you know?
You snap back to being important to each other
because you still are.
But I've changed so much since we were together.
-Haven't you? -No.
No, not really. I'm pretty consistent.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Do you think it's odd
I haven't heard from Larry since Thanksgiving?
You know, maybe he's mad at me
that I wasn't able to see him while I was in SHU.
But that would be totally fucked up, wouldn't it?
I'm not sure you're in the position to feel indignant right now, Piper.
Do you think I'm a terrible person?
No!
I think that we do what we need to do to survive.
Hey! What the hell you think you're doing?
Nothing.
-You. Gimme your shoes. -What?
You deaf or something? Take off your motherfucking shoes!
Hey, back off, all right?
[both exclaiming]
You about to step?
[both laughing]
Your face, yo! You was like...
"Hey, back off." You so gangsta.
-Give me some, give me some. -All right, inmates.
Enough. Save it for the kids.
What's going on?
Yo, scared straight in the house, y'all, ya know?
-Yeah! -I'ma scare us some bad kids.
I'ma go platinum up on them whippersnappers!
[Poussey] Yeah!
I'm gonna make them shit their little delinquent panties!
[Bell] Hey.
Ladies, this is serious.
These kids are going down a bad path.
Your jobs are to deter them from making the same mistakes you did.
But we can make them cry, right?
Yeah, you can make them cry.
Oh, yeah. I'ma make them cry all right.
Cry like they're going through a haunted house,
haunted house called "life."
I thought you said this was an acting opportunity.
It is.
You want to sign up?
No, I don't.
Other prisons get to do Shakespeare and shit.
I want to play a role.
Like Desdemona, or Ophelia, or Clair Huxtable.
Tell you what.
You can play whatever character you want,
so long as that character is the stuff of naughty brats' nightmares.
Yeah. I can do that.
Line up!
You know, I don't do much of the cooking at home.
Christopher's the one who cooks.
-Really? -Yeah, and not just out of the box.
All fancy ingredients.
Bucatini. You ever hear of that?
It's like a hollow spaghetti.
He made that once with a clam sauce.
You know, you can go if you want. I have everything under control.
Oh, no, I like helping.
Hello, ladies.
Red...
you happen to have those ice cream bars that I asked for?
It's not ice cream, is it?
Hey!
Look who's back from the dungeon of doom.
[Tricia] Hey, what's up?
Hey, Red.
Uh, so...
I detoxed. You know, I'm clean now.
Drug-free America, yo.
What do you want, a medal? A sticker that says, "great job"?
-Well, no. I just thought... -What did you think?
That everything would be fine?
I have one rule. No drugs.
You lied to my face.
You're on your own.
Fine.
Excuse me, sir. Spare a little change? Even a quarter?
Hello, ma'am, a little help, please? I'm so hungry.
Yo, what's so funny?
You're trying too hard.
People don't wanna give anything unless they think it's their idea.
See?
Yeah, great, except their idea is that
a dime and three pennies is gonna get us something to eat.
Come on, take a break.
Here.
-Where'd you get this? -Whole Foods.
You didn't see me, right?
No.
'Cause I'm smooth like that. [chuckles]
Here, I got us a carrot too, so our diet is balanced and shit.
Dinner, dessert.
I'm no good at stealing.
It's not stealing. I'm gonna pay for it.
What are you talking about?
Check it out.
I keep a log, yo.
I'm not about stealing. See?
When I leave this world, I ain't owing nobody nothing.
Hey. One of you want to come to a party?
Fuck off.
Well, fuck you too, street rat.
Motherfucker looks like my rapist step-dad.
-Wanna go somewhere else? -In a minute, I'm charging my phone.
Hey, you gonna pay for that electricity too someday?
Shit.
I never thought about it like that.
Don't take too much off.
I just want it to look neat.
Relax.
It's not like I'm exactly overwhelmed with the possibilities.
So when's your visitor?
Who said I had a visitor?
You've never let me touch your head,
and I would take it personally
if I didn't know how cheap you are with your commissary.
He must be pretty special for you to part with all those Tums.
It's a friend.
Someone I haven't seen in a long time.
Oh. How long?
Ten years.
Oh.
That is a long time.
Think I know what we're gonna do.
What?
What radio program?
Oh, yeah. You know that show Urban Tales?
With Maury Kind?
Yeah, he was at Thanksgiving.
He looks nothing like he sounds on the radio.
-Who is that? -It's Neri.
Anyhow, he's doing a show about long distance relationships next Sunday.
And that's probably why you haven't heard from him.
He's probably working on his show.
About our relationship?
What is he gonna say?
I don't know, good stuff.
I better go now, we're just heading out.
We're going to shoot guns!
Guns?
No, just cans.
Cans, with guns.
You hate guns.
-It's just an air rifle. -No, it's not.
Okay, bye, Piper, love you, stay out of the stew.
SHU.
The SHU.
Yeah, isn't that what I said?
Bye.
Hey, guys, what's the hold up?
Dude, you need to talk to Piper.
Was that her?
She wants to know why you're not picking up.
She sounded mad.
She's mad?
Did you ask her why she went to the SHU?
No, that's none of my business.
Dude, look, you can stay here, we can go shoot guns,
you can help me set up my maple syrup taps,
but you have to talk to my sister.
Communication is key, man.
I know. I know. I will. I just...
I need... I just need some time to figure out what to say.
You know.
Okay.
-Bad news? -No news. I can't get ahold of him.
But apparently, he's going to be on the radio.
Your guy's a musician?
No. No. Public radio.
He's going to be talking about me.
He's going to be talking about
how my going to prison affects him... as a partner.
Oh.
Do you need to use the phone?
Oh, I just tried.
You know, Mercy and me, we haven't talked in a while.
So, I can't get through either.
-How much longer are you in here for? -Four left.
Wow.
Yeah, problems are problems, yo.
We all make bad choices.
It's just some of us got different bad choices to make.
[Polly] This is awful.
It's so traditional. And I'm not a traditional person.
Although, I guess maybe I am,
since I'm getting married and I don't even believe in marriage.
What am I doing? Am I drunk?
You look beautiful. This is awesome.
Is it bad to admit I'm even feeling a little jealous?
No, I love being the target of envy. That means I'm winning.
-[knock at door] -We're coming!
I can't even begin to imagine "forever" with somebody.
Well, surprise, surprise, considering the kind of girls you date.
The kind of girls that I date?
Hot girls who make you crazy.
I like hot girls. And I like hot boys.
I like hot people. What can I say, I'm shallow.
That's not what I mean.
You keep looking for people you have that chemical thing with,
but that's not the whole package.
You have to find someone you can spend two weeks with
in a cramped timeshare in Montauk, in the rain, and not want to kill.
He made jigsaw puzzles fun and competitive.
That sounds truly boring.
When I put my cold feet on him,
he's always warm and only sometimes annoyed.
But I want both. I want warm, but I also want hot.
-I want fireworks. -Ow.
I want somebody I can have adventures with.
Oh!
[squeals]
Look, adventure is just hardship with an inflated sense of self.
Eventually, you want someone you can curl up with.
Someone who knows when it's time to order Chinese.
-And that's Pete? -Yeah, that's Pete.
Plus, he's never shown any interest in fucking me in the ass...
-for which I am grateful. -Well, you never know.
He may just be saving that hole for marriage.
[Guard] Keep moving, ladies!
[Bennett] Inmate. Diaz.
Your counselor wants to see you. Come with me.
What's going on? I have work.
Your counselor says it's important.
Cesar came to my house.
-What? -Cesar? Am I saying that right?
He's tall. Bald. Has apparently killed with his bare hands,
and a blunt object and a hunting knife and an assortment of firearms.
Says he's a family friend. Oh, and he loves children.
He wanted to make sure that I had enough room for the crib.
My mom must have told him.
Well, when were you going to tell me?
I don't know. I didn't know if I wanted to.
What else would you do?
Is there a pill you can take? Is...
I don't want to do that.
You don't actually think you can have it, do you?
-Why not? -Why not?
Because I am a CO. I could go to jail as a sex offender.
We can figure something out.
-If you love me-- -If I love you?
It has nothing... it has nothing to do with that.
It does to me.
Good, you're here.
It's about time we had a family discussion.
You need to do the right thing.
You have a good government job.
You probably get some pension money for that fucking pirate wooden leg.
Yeah, that's right, I know about that.
First of all, it's not a wooden leg, it's polypropylene
and I don't get any money for it.
You got blown up in a war, you get money.
I didn't lose it in combat.
-Wait, that didn't happen in Afghanistan? -No.
[inmate] Yeah, get the fucking ball!
Get the fucking ball!
I don't care if the soda was flat,
you don't have any way to prove it so you can't get your money back.
Look, If I'd lost it in Afghanistan, I'd have help.
But I went into a dirty hot tub in Orlando with a small scrape,
and I got a big infection.
At Disney World?
No, it's like a five-minute drive from Disney World.
You probably should tell people you lost it in the war.
Okay, well, I don't have any money.
Okay? Everything I saved went to medical bills.
Those are the breaks, papa.
Save some more.
You got nine months.
[man speaking indistinctly on walkie-talkie]
[Pornstache] Hey, come here.
Come on.
I got some very good stuff this month.
None of that generic OxyContin. Non-generic OxyContin.
I can't. I just got clean.
Huh.
Okay, then you can distribute.
I got flush while you were away on your Fuck Up's Holiday.
What am I going to do, go cube-to-cube like a fucking Avon lady?
I don't know. But I can't.
I'm in enough trouble with Red as it is.
Fuck Red.
You owe me.
-For what? My cousin paid you. -Only for the last batch.
What about all the ones before that?
You was on store credit, girl.
-Well, I thought that... -You thought what?
You were on some blowjob layaway plan?
No, no, no, no, no.
You owe me.
How much?
You get rid of all of these and we'll call it even.
I want an empty baggie and a list of names.
"The borrower is slave to the lender."
That's from Proverbs right there.
Saw it on a bumper sticker.
And when I say, you have received the Holy Spirit within you,
you won't need any medicine. You won't need a BAND-AID.
You won't need your beer.
He will be that medicine, He will be that BAND-AID,
He will be that beer.
Can I get an amen?
-[inmates] Amen. -Hey, new glasses.
Better to see you with, my dear.
Have you seen this?
She's faith healing now.
[Pennsatucky] You still have that headache?
Yeah, but, you know, it's not the worst headache I've ever had.
[Pennsatucky] What about now?
Um, I don't know.
Gone?
-Amen! -Amen!
Hallelujah!
Why would anyone ever listen to her?
I don't know what you're talking about, she clearly has magic powers.
Like what, the power of the snitch?
What I wouldn't give to watch her slip and fall.
Listen to you, all vindictive.
She broke your glasses and she locked you in a dryer.
She also stole my mattress.
Don't think I don't remember.
I just have a different way of dealing with things.
I like seeing this old Piper temper, though.
I don't have a temper.
I used to have a temper. Now I have a passion for justice.
...because that is the majesty of our Lord.
That is the power of our Lord.
Man, what the hell you know about the Lord anyway?
-Excuse me? -Man, you ain't got no healing power.
You ain't got shit.
Hey, you don't know what you're talking about.
-Tucky's touched, okay. -Oh, my God.
She made Angie's headache go away, right, Ang?
I wanna say yes.
[Piper] No, she didn't,
she took that headache and she gave it to me.
-Ha! -Piper, chill.
[chuckles]
I'll tell you what. I got a fucked up knee.
You so spiritual, come and show me what you got.
[Pennsatucky] It don't work that way.
[all clamoring]
Huh?
No, it don't?
It don't work no way 'cause you just like the Wizard of Oz.
Just a bunch of show and nothing behind the curtain.
What are you talking about? Wizards are evil.
Can I get an amen? All right, all right, all right.
You know what, I never claimed to have any special powers.
I just do as the Lord tells me, and it flows through me.
Jibber, jibber, jabber, jabber. Lay hands, bitch.
[chuckles]
Holy Spirit, I'm calling on you right now, Holy Spirit.
You and me and her, together as one, healing these knees.
Make this woman well!
Holy shit!
You did it.
[gasps]
[Janae exclaims]
You actually did it. [exclaims]
[Leanne] You see? You see?
You're not like the Wizard of Oz. You're like the Wizard of... God!
Are you seeing this?
She's awfully talented.
You wanna get to someone... you gotta have a long game.
-[man speaking indistinctly on TV] -[door opening]
What... Hello?
Hello?
-This is Polly and Pete's place, right? -Yeah.
-Are you a burglar? -No!
No, no, I'm... I'm sorry, no, no.
I'm... I'm Larry, I live next door.
They asked me to water their plants while they're on vacation.
They have air conditioning and cable.
[Piper] Mmm.
I'm Piper. I'm Polly's friend.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry, are you supposed to stay here or something?
No, no, no. No, I have keys, I was just in the neighborhood.
-I actually just got bit by a dog. -Oh!
Oh, my... Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God! -I know!
I thought I should clean it or something.
Yeah, you should. Yeah, oh, my God.
[stutters] Come in and sit.
Maybe not on the couch though because...
I'm gonna take my pants off.
Take your pants off?
To get to the bite. I can't roll them up. Tight jeans.
Right, that makes... Okay. Okay, right.
I'll get some Neosporin. And some hydrogen peroxide.
Maybe some iodine?
-I'll check the bathroom. -Uh-huh.
So what happened? What dog?
I don't know, some street kid.
-[winces] -What?
Yeah, some homeless kid was asking for money for dog food,
and I was like, "If you can't afford dog food,
you shouldn't have a dog."
[chuckles] So you lectured a homeless kid.
I'm sure he loved that.
No, I didn't lecture him, I just made a point.
And then he was like, "It's for protection."
And I was like, "That dog is not protecting anybody."
And then what happened?
And then it bit me. Pretty hard.
You should probably get a tetanus shot.
Oh, I'll be fine.
The dog looked a lot cleaner than the kid.
Besides, I'm going to see a brass band... [winces] Ow!
I'm going to see a brass band at Zebulon tonight.
Oh, yeah, the Hungry March Band, right?
I was supposed to go to that.
-Really? -Yeah.
-You were? -Yeah, but then... I sat down. [laughs]
Gravity works very strongly on me.
Especially when it's sweltering outside
and when Almost Famous is playing for the 400th time.
Yeah.
Plus, I'm plant-sitting, so, you know,
if I went anywhere I'd have to take them with me,
and I'm not sure if they're all over 21. So...
Look, this is silly.
You should really take a shower. Or even a bath.
You know, just soak it. You know, you really need to clean it out.
I mean, you don't want to get an infection. Or rabies.
Do you feel any flu-like symptoms?
Because, if it is rabies, you need to treat it right away,
I mean there is no cure. You'll die.
Wow. Dark.
Jew.
Uh...
Well, I can go back to my place if you need privacy.
That's okay.
I can shut the bathroom door.
Hey, have you eaten?
What?
I was just about to order some Chinese food.
So if you haven't eaten...
Unless you're meeting someone... before the show...
No. I'm not.
Chinese sounds great.
I'll have whatever you're having.
They didn't call your name, you don't have a visitor.
But... maybe there is a mistake.
Please, can you double check?
Yeah, O'Neill, you sure you don't have anybody on the list for Pelage?
[O'Neill] Uh, Miss Claudette? Come on, that joke's older than my nana.
-It's not a joke this time. -Oh.
Wait.
Oh, yeah, yeah, she's on the list. Sorry, I thought it was a joke.
Am I allowed to touch you?
What do you think about Bora Bora Bora?
What?
You mean Bora Bora?
No, no, I think there's three "Boras."
I've been thinking about it for our honeymoon.
I mean, I know Christopher's got his mind set on Madrid,
but all those enchiladas, I get gassy.
That's a conversation you should probably have with Christopher.
Oh, yeah, but you've traveled.
Not to Bora Bora.
...Bora.
Hey, Trish.
-Yeah. Hey. -Did you get through to Mercy?
Oh, no. Not yet. But, you know, it's cool.
[Nicky sighs]
She came by the kitchen earlier, to give Red an olive.
-What? -An olive.
It's an olive branch, all right?
Either way. Red don't want nothing to do with her.
But she turned herself in for Red.
And she's got more time on her sentence because of her.
Yeah, well, she brought it on herself.
I mean, she told Pornstache about the trucks.
She's a Judas Priest.
-Who told you that? -Well, it's obvious,
and I think it's disgusting after everything Red's done for her.
It's not true.
I mean, you don't know, so watch it with the rumors, all right?
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.
You still mad 'cause we're not sleeping together?
-Oh, Christ... -Aw.
That's it.
Oh, come on, Nichols, it's better this way. Being friends.
You know I miss it, too, sometimes,
but I gotta stay true to Christopher.
God, please no more about fucking Christopher.
I can't cheat on him. You know I can't cheat on him.
Yeah, I know you can't cheat on him.
You know why? Because Christopher doesn't fucking exist,
at least not in your life.
He hasn't visited you since three weeks after you got here.
-That's not true. -Oh, yeah, it is, and everybody knows it.
And the only reason nobody says anything is 'cause they're embarrassed for you,
because it's pathetic.
But I'm sick of it.
Just like I'm sick of you
talking about things you don't know anything about.
Fuck you.
Hey! Fuck you, too.
Yeah, go do your make-believe somewhere else.
I don't have patience for it anymore.
[Little Allie] Hey! Trish?
-Trish, how's it going? -Hi!
Where you been? It's been forever, yo.
Oh, I got a job in a kitchen.
-Around here? -Yeah, yeah.
Well, you gotta come by the park sometime and say hi.
-I should. I will. -Yeah.
Where you staying?
You know, nowhere permanent right now but I stay in the shelter some nights
and I'm 18 now so they can't call my folks.
Yeah, so I'm free, you know, I'm living the dream, you know.
Hey, I got a Section 8 apartment.
Really?
Yeah, I'm there with my boyfriend.
I mean, if you want, you can crash for a while.
You know, if things get real bad.
No, no. That's...
-Are you sure? -Yeah. Yeah, you know me.
I don't like asking for favors from anybody.
Hey, you're not asking, I'm offering.
Oh, that's cool, Allie. That's really great.
You stop by the... Stop by the park sometime
and hook me up with some leftovers, all right?
Okay, Trish, I will. I will.
You like kids, Bennett?
Sure, they're all right. You?
Of course. Who doesn't like kids?
Listen up.
You are about to enter a federal correctional facility.
You will be held to the same expectations as the inmates.
That means no talking, no chewing gum, no acting disrespectful,
you understand me?
All right, is that it? Let's go.
[bus driver] Wait, there's one more.
These kids are all delinquents, right?
Yeah, I thought so.
I wonder what she did.
Here she comes.
[Big Boo] Okay, I'm on it.
Yo, Doggett!
-Hey, hold up. -Yeah.
Listen, I heard you cured Janae's knee. Is that true?
Yes, yeah. I am just a simple woman, doing the work of the Lord.
I see. Uh, look, that's really... It's incredible. Um...
Do you think you could help me?
Well, what's hurting?
My mind, I have unclean thoughts.
Lesbian content.
What do you think? Do you think you could help?
You know, you're messin' with me and I don't mess with my Lord that way.
-Sorry but... -No, I'm not. I'm not, I swear.
I mean, since...
Look, since I had Little Boo,
I found these feelings of mothering, deep inside me.
I think someday I might wanna have a kid.
But I don't want to do it with another woman,
'cause those kids, they always turn out gay.
And being queer, that is really hard life.
Mmm-hmm.
The cycle of terror ends now, with me. I swear.
-You're serious? -Mmm-hmm.
You ready to take on the Lord's grace?
Kneel before me.
Bring the dog, please.
Right here before me we have a sinner, Lord,
who's ready to accept you into her heart.
Cleanse her heart of sickness and her mind of filth.
Yeah, I'm still seeing filth.
Concentrate! Dear Lord, I ask you today
to help this sinner find a life of family, a life of rightness.
We're gonna make her pure and whole and good again.
As I lay my hand on this child's head, right here, right now,
I ask you, Lord, help her.
Help her become... gay, Lord, no more!
[gasps]
I don't feel any different.
Wait, let me try picturing the 2008 US Women's Soccer Team,
that usually works.
Okay.
Kick it, kick it!
-Wait. Wait, I don't feel anything. -[chuckles]
I don't feel anything!
-It worked. -I don't like this. Change me back!
Don't leave me here like this. Don't leave me straight!
Thank you. Thank you.
Change me back!
-Hey, Trish. -Hey, what's up?
Yo, Nichols,
I know you're probably not supposed to talk to me and everything,
but could you do me a solid and tell Red I'm gonna make it right?
Yeah, okay.
You tell her that... we're gonna be square 'cause I'm gonna figure something out.
Jesus Christ.
Ladies! Time to report to your work details.
Those of you with prior approval
can make your way to the front entrance to meet today's special guests.
-Showtime. Am I right? -Yeah, yeah!
[Pornstache] Hey!
Walk. In orderly fashion.
That's the cafeteria, you don't wanna go up there.
Stay right around here.
Hey. What the fuck do you think you're doing?
I'm going to see the kids. They said I could come.
-Oh, did they? -Yeah.
Plus, I get out of work, so it's cool.
You can't even keep your fucking eyes open.
It's my fault for trusting
-a stupid fucking junkie moron idiot. -What are you doing?
Just stay in here.
You don't have to go to work. Just stay out of sight.
What am I supposed to do in here?
Take a nap.
[shop clerk] I don't understand.
-What is it you're trying to pay for? -These headphones.
Yeah, we don't sell those.
But you did two years ago.
I borrowed them from you, when I didn't have the money,
but I do now, so I want to settle my debt.
Let me get the manager.
Listen, I told you not to come in here.
But I'm here to pay you for something I haven't paid for yet.
I owe you for these headphones, yo.
-Just go. -No, no. I'm no thief. I settle my debts.
Just go before I call the cops.
-Oh, Sam. -What?
I saw her take one of those necklaces.
No, I'm gonna pay for that later, you know.
But first things first.
So what do we just say, it's $20, and we call it even?
That necklace doesn't even cost that much.
Isn't for the necklace. It's for the headphones.
-Sara, don't let her leave. -You don't let her leave.
I don't get paid enough.
Hey! Where you going?
Nowhere.
-She steal something? -I'm not sure.
[inmates speaking indistinctly]
Inmates, say hello.
[Flaca] What's up?
What's your name? What's your fucking name?
-Rebecca. -Here we go.
You ready to see some Shakespeare shit?
What the fuck you smiling for?
What are you, some kind of clown?
What the fuck you smiling for?
You think this is a joke? Do I look like a fucking joke to you?
You wouldn't make it one goddamn night in here, you understand...
"You common cry of curs
whose breath I hate as reek o' the rotten fens,
whose loves I prize
as the dead carcasses of unburied men that do corrupt my air!"
Thank you.
And thank you.
-Speak up! -Rebecca!
Oh. Oh.
You trying to cop a fuckin' attitude with me now?
-No, I just... -What?
-You said speak up, so... -Don't fucking play with me!
Don't play with her!
-Smarten up. -Why?
-[Maritza] This is for real! -[whispering]
[Crazy Eyes] Goals! [Maritza] What, you quiet now?
You don't got a joke to tell, clown? You don't got a joke to tell?
You're a fucking smoking clown. What you gonna tell jokes and juggle?
[Black Cindy] Get your hands off my fuckin' pussy.
You wanna touch it? You wanna touch it for real?
So, wassup? You think you tough, 'cause you in a wheelchair and shit, huh?
No.
Well, you know what I'm saying,
ain't no wheelchair ramps in prison, right?
Ain't nobody gonna be holding no doors open for you and shit up in here.
I don't need nobody to hold doors for me. I can do anything anybody else can do.
[stammers]
My bad. That's cool. You know what I'm sayin'?
I didn't mean you couldn't do stuff...
They told me I couldn't rob a liquor store,
'cause I'm a roller.
But I showed them.
[Black Cindy] Get your face down! Don't look at me in the eye!
All right, well,
you know, that's not something you need to prove to everybody.
They told me I couldn't gang bang. And now I got my own gang.
Of handicapped people?
Yo, listen, that's not... [scoffs]
You're just gonna make things harder for yourself, man.
How many of y'all is it? Y'all just roll up on people?
This isn't enough. We aren't helping these kids enough.
Are you sure? Most of them are crying.
No child left behind.
-Where's Tricia? I requested her. -I don't know.
Find her.
It'll be good for them to get scared by someone their own age.
[clamoring continues]
Receive the Lord!
-Can I get an amen? -[all] Amen!
-Can I get another amen? Amen! -Amen!
Yeah!
The Lord is speaking to me right now and he is gonna heal you of that eczema!
I can't even... This is, this is evil. This is evil.
No, this is divine retribution.
I'm gonna pee in my pants.
Now when I say Jesus loves you, you say, "Yes!"
-Jesus loves you! -[all] Yes!
-Does Jesus love you? -[all] Yes!
-Does Jesus love me? -[all] Yes!
Holy fuck! I wish we could put this shit on YouTube.
Yeah, it's funny. Hey, have you seen Tricia Miller?
Miller. Hmm.
No. Why?
She was supposed to be on the tour and she's not at work.
-I better radio in. -Oh! No, no!
You know what, I did see her.
She just stepped off to go to the bathroom.
I'll send her your way as soon as she comes back.
-Okay. -Yep! You got it.
[Pennsatucky] Can I get some love?
Can I hear the word love?
-Love! -[all] Love!
Take a look. This is where you shower.
Does this look like a nice place to take a shower?
Uh-uh. Shit, it's super fungus all up in here.
My feet be itching ever since I got here.
Itching all the livelong day.
Um, hello?
[chuckles]
Itchy feet not the only thing you gotta worry about, right?
-Tell 'em, Chapman. -Tell them what?
Tell 'em what happens when you drop a bar of soap in prison.
You know, I don't really think that that stereotype applies here.
Oh, yes, it does.
Well, okay. But I use body wash.
To molest people with?
[girls laughing]
Man, this is a joke! You all just putting on a show.
Yo, keep laughing, little kid.
Shut up real quick once Chapman gets you.
That's right.
Chapman a stone cold lesbian and she put you through your paces.
Why am I the stone cold lesbian?
Lesbionic.
Chapman!
It's for the children.
Fuck. Fuck!
All right, shitstain, up and at 'em.
What the fuck?
Hey! Hey!
Fuck!
[grunts in frustration]
Shit. Shit.
See that fuckin' toilet? No door on the motherfuckin' stall?
That sound like fun to you?
You got to use the bathroom, everybody see.
-Even if it's number two. -[Poussey] Yeah.
One, two, three, it don't matter in prison.
I don't care.
-You don't care? -I don't care.
All right, all right, I've had enough of this.
You think this is a joke? Do you?
Yeah, kind of.
How 'bout you spend the night here? Just you and Chapman.
-You like that? -[Black Cindy] Yeah,
you get that wet Chapman treatment.
Whatever.
-Whatever? -Fuck you.
Whatever! All right, let's go.
Not you. You stay here.
You stay here.
Chapman. Have a nice lunch.
-You know, I'm not even fully like that. -[scoffs]
"Little honor to be much believed."
So what, now's the part where you try to scare me?
No.
No, I really, I don't want to scare you.
But... believe me, you don't want to be in here.
Don't touch me! Dyke faggot bitch!
Excuse me?
You heard me.
What's your name again?
-Dina. -Dina.
That's a pretty name.
You know, I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina.
I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my prison bitch,
I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my house mouse,
that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection.
That I'm gonna do to you
what the spring does with the cherry trees,
but in a prison way.
Pablo Neruda.
But why bother?
You're too tough, right?
Yeah, I know how easy it is
to convince yourself you're something that you're not.
Oh, you could do that on the outside.
You can just keep moving.
Keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are.
But...
...you're weak.
Back the fuck off me.
I'm like you, Dina.
I'm weak, too.
I can't get through this without somebody to touch,
without somebody to love.
Is that because sex numbs the pain?
Or is it because I'm some evil fuck-monster?
I don't know.
But I do know, I was somebody before I came in here.
I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself.
And now,
now it's just about getting through the day without crying.
And I'm scared.
I'm still scared.
I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am.
Other people aren't the scariest part of prison, Dina,
it's coming face-to-face with who you really are.
Because once you're behind these walls,
there's nowhere to run, even if you could run.
The truth catches up with you in here, Dina.
And it's the truth that's gonna make you her bitch.
Damn.
You cold.
Bitches gots to learn.
All right, listen up!
[grunts]
Oh, fuck.
[breathing heavily]
Hey, Doggett.
I think there's a soul in the bathroom that needs saving.
Constipation?
No, this girl needs a miracle.
All right, what have we learned today?
[girls] Don't go to prison. [Bell] That's right.
Or what happens?
-We'll have to live here with you. -That's right.
And respect your parents, you hear.
And stay away from that bud.
And clean your rooms.
And don't embezzle, or illegally download media.
Uh, yeah.
We know you're good kids.
You're not gonna make the same mistakes.
-We believe in you. -[Dina] Please leave me alone!
Jesus!
-Nobody move! Nobody move! -[Dina] Get off of me!
-Help! -Lord, I call on you right now
to make this child walk again!
Make her walk again, sweet Lord.
-Work through me... -Hey! Hey, get off of her! Get off her.
Jesus has sent me to help...
Ow! [grunts in pain]
Lord, they're blinding me! I am your martyr!
What's going on?
All right, settle down.
This is Bell.
We have a situation in the E-Dorm bathroom.
Unruly inmate restrained and in need of escort to Psych.
-Is this real? -I am terminating the tour.
I will proceed with the children to the main entrance. Copy?
Bell, this is Fischer.
-Copy that, but... -What?
Don't bring the kids down Corridor B, okay?
What? Why?
Um...
We have a situation down here, too.
[O'Neill] Back it up.
Back it up.
Come on.
There's a lot of touching going on down there.
Healy, now is not the time.
[O'Neill] Ladies, let's break it up.
I just saw her.
We all just saw her.
[woman on walkie-talkie] Copy that, we have Cellblock D on lockdown...
[sobbing]
Red?
It's my fault.
I turned her away.
No. This is not on you.
I didn't mean she was out forever.
I just wanted to teach her a lesson.
I thought she was stronger.
She was.
She didn't hang herself. She OD'd.
I saw her wobbling around the cafeteria this morning.
So she killed herself a different way.
I'm the one responsible.
[Nicky] No!
This isn't on you. It's on me.
I'm the one who finked to Pornstache about Neptune.
I'm the reason the drugs are still comin' in.
Why?
Oh, God.
I don't know.
I was just mad at you for always shitting on me.
I only sent Tricia to detox
because I thought they would start an investigation.
To put an end to all of this.
I didn't know that.
You were right to not trust me.
Nicky, I trust you more than anyone.
I always have.
I do now more than ever.
Now?
You got shit in your ears or something?
I betrayed you.
I know.
And that's why I trust you.
Because I know you'll do whatever it takes to make things right. For Tricia.
I was stupid to think this prison would ever look into things.
Even if they caught Pornstache stuffing drugs down her throat,
they'd do anything to avoid a scandal.
It's up to us now, Nicky.
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about Mendez.
I want that motherfucker.
I want that motherfucker taken out.
[alternative music playing]