[crunching]
EMILY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DID MATTHEW STOP BEING YOUR BOYFRIEND?
IS IT BECAUSE YOU WON'T STOP EATING CHIPS?
[door opens]
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN IT.
HEY, GUYS. IF YOU DON'T MIND,
WE'RE GONNA PUT MARCUS'S TREADMILL DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
YEAH.
MY WIFE IS TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
THEN SHOULDN'T SHE BE USING THAT?
SHE WAS USING IT... AS A CONVEYOR BELT
TO HELP THE FOOD GET IN HER MOUTH FASTER.
[imitates munching]
OUR BABY HASN'T MOVED.
JUST ONE REALITY SHOW AFTER ANOTHER.
EM, HON, HOW YOU DOING?
CHIPS ARE HER NEW BOYFRIEND.
SWEETIE, I KNOW YOU'RE HURTING RIGHT NOW,
BUT IN TIME YOU'LL GET OVER THIS.
MATTHEW PEARSON WAS YOUR FIRST BOYFRIEND.
AND THERE WILL BE MORE.
MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY MORE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A FEW TOO MANY "MANYS," OKAY?
LOOK, EMILY,
YOU CAN'T HOLD ON TO NEGATIVITY
BECAUSE WHAT IT DOES IS IT STARTS EATING YOUR--
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
IS THAT FATHEAD TED MCGINLEY WITH A NEW TV SHOW?
I CAN'T STAND THAT FATHEAD.
IT'S MCLIVIN' WITH THE MCGINLEYS.
MCHOSTED BY ME, LARRY PARSONS.
EVERYONE AT THE SOAP IS WATCHING THIS.
IT'S THE HIGHEST-RATED REALITY SHOW ON TV.
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY, DAD.
REALLY? JOE, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS FUNNY?
BEING GROUNDED FOR SAYING TED MCGINLEY'S FUNNY.
WATCH. TED KNOCKS ON THE CELEBRITY'S DOOR,
AND THEN HE CHALLENGES THEM TO SURVIVE LIVING WITH HIM
AND HIS FAMILY FOR THREE WHOLE DAYS.
IT'S--IT'S A HOOT.
OR SO I'VE BEEN TOLD.
AND THE WHOLE TIME, THEY TRY TO ANNOY YOU INTO GIVING UP.
HEY, EMILY, MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU DID TO MATTHEW.
LAST WEEK, TONY DANZA'S FAMILY DIDN'T LAST ONE DAY OF MCLIVIN'.
GUESS HE FOUND OUT WHO THE BOSS REALLY WAS.
[chuckles]
LET'S SEE WHO TED CHALLENGES THIS WEEK.
IS THAT OUR HOUSE?
[doorbell rings] - IT IS.
[laughing] WE'RE GONNA BE ON THE SHOW.
DAD, ARE YOU GONNA ACCEPT HIS CHALLENGE?
LOOK, WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH AMERICA WOULD LOVE
TO HAVE ME BACK ON TELEVISION AGAIN,
BUT THERE'S NOTHING THAT THAT FATHEAD COULD SAY TO ME
THAT WOULD MAKE ME DO A REALITY SHOW.
HELLO, DAVID.
- CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. - [laughs]
[upbeat music]
♪
DAVID, AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO BE ON A SHOW
THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH, UM...
WE REALLY NEED TO THINK ABOUT EMILY.
[clucking like a chicken]
HE'S CLUCKING AT ME LIKE A CHICKEN.
AND IT'S A HORRIBLE CHICKEN.
COME ON, MCGINLEY. ACTING 101.
HERE'S HOW YOU DO A CHICKEN. READY? READY?
- YEAH. - [clucks like a chicken]
OH, REALLY? TRY THIS.
[both clucking like chickens]
FOLKS, IF THIS CLUCK-OFF IS ANY INDICATION,
WE ARE CLEARLY IN FOR A TREAT.
DAVID HOBBS AND TED MCGINLEY HAVE ONE
OF THE FIERCEST RIVALRIES IN HOLLYWOOD.
LET'S SEE WHERE IT ALL BEGAN.
A TIE BETWEEN DAVID HOBBS FROM SEE DAD RUN
AND TED MCGINLEY FROM TED PLUS TEN.
CONGRATULATIONS, TED.
- AFTER YOU. - [grunts]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[grunts]
[screaming]
NO, BABY, YOU DON'T NEED A PASSPORT TO GO TO HAWAII.
OH, SHORT CLIP. [clears throat]
THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP, GENO.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S REVIEW THE RULES.
ALL I'M SAYING IS OUR LITTLE GIRL'S
IN A DELICATE PLACE RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY, THIS MIGHT BE THE PERFECT THING
TO GET HER OUT OF HER FUNK.
HEY, EMILY,
REMEMBER WHEN YOU BEAT XANDER IN THE SCHOOL ELECTION?
REMEMBER THAT? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BEAT HIS ENTIRE FAMILY
ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
[burps]
HEAR THAT? SHE'S IN.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS, DAVID?
[baby voice] WHAT'S WRONG?
THE SOAP OPERA ACTRESS DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY?
WELL, THIS IS PRIMETIME, TINY LADY.
[laughter]
LET'S DO THIS.
HI, I'M JOE. WE'RE BIG FANS.
THEY'RE A LOT CREEPIER IN PERSON.
OKAY, HOBBS FAMILY,
IF YOU CAN SURVIVE THREE DAYS WITHOUT HITTING
THE "I MCGIVE" BUTTON...
["awooga" buzzer]
YOU WILL WIN $100,000 FOR THE CHARITY OF YOUR CHOICE.
SO LET THE MCLIVIN' BEGIN!
WE'VE GOT THIS THING IN THE BAG.
MCGINLEY'S BEEN ANNOYING ME FOR YEARS.
TRUST ME, THERE'S NOTHING THAT HE COULD SAY
THAT COULD MAKE ME WANT TO PRESS THAT--
EXCUSE ME. UH, SORRY.
HEY, DAVID, COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE YOUR FAVORITE BATHROOM IS?
TED, DO YOU MIND? I'M DOING MY TESTIMONIAL.
YEAH, COME ON, UH...
HAVE TO DROP A MCDOODY.
[grunts]
THIS IS AWESOME.
DAVID'S OLD RECORDING STUDIO.
REMEMBER HIS ALBUM, INFERNO GIRL?
HA. WHO COULD FORGET IT?
YOU KNOW, THAT BOY COULD NOT SING A LICK. UCK.
IF YOU TELL HIM THAT, I'M GONNA DENY IT.
THEN I'M GONNA KILL YOU, AND I'M GONNA DENY THAT TOO.
HEY, I DIDN'T... COME ON.
GIRL, LET'S SKATE BACKWARDS, GIRL WAS A HUGE HIT.
[upbeat music]
* GIRL
♪ I WANT TO SKATE BACKWARDS WITH YOU ♪
♪ GIRL
♪ LACE UP YOUR LOVE SKATES
♪ LET'S DO SOME FIGURE EIGHTS
♪ TAKE MY HAND, I'M YOUR SLOW-SKATIN' MAN ♪
♪ GIRL - * YEAH?
* I WANT TO SKATE BACKWARDS WITH YOU ♪
♪ GIRL - * YEAH?
UGH, IT'S STUCK!
SOMEBODY, HELP!
THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU. THIS ROOM IS SOUNDPROOF.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?
WELL, WE COULD ALWAYS...
SKATE BACKWARDS, GIRL.
WHA-WHAT?
WELL, FOLKS, THE MCGINLEYS ARE REALLY BRINGING
THEIR "A" GAME, AND, BY "A," I MEAN "A-NNOYING."
LOOKING FOR THESE? THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
AND THEY HAVE THESE REALLY...
GUESS HE'S ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
- [laughs] - THANK YOU, GENO.
COME ON. REALLY?
YEAH, THIS IS WHAT SENT DANZA RIGHT OVER THE EDGE.
OH, UH, YOU LOOKING FOR THIS?
YEAH, ACTUALLY, I WAS.
OKAY, WELL, THERE IT IS.
[handcuffs snap]
MM-HMM.
THERE WE GO.
[chuckles]
[upbeat music]
[singing along] * WHO KNOWS HOW, WHO KNOWS WHEN ♪
♪ BEFORE I EVEN KNEW IT, IT WAS TED PLUS TEN ♪
[laughs]
THAT WAS TORTURE.
AND EVERYBODY KNOWS TED PLUS TEN
IS REALLY JUST A RIP-OFF OF THE TELENOVELA DIEGO PLUS DIEZ.
EXCEPT DIEGO DIDN'T HAVE A BIG, FAT CABEZA.
PFFT!
YOU KNOW, IT'S NO FUN TRYING TO ANNOY YOU
IF YOU DON'T SPEAK.
COME ON, EMILY.
GET IN THE GAME.
KIDS, BRING DOWN YOUR LAUNDRY!
IS IT REALLY YOUR KIDS' LAUNDRY,
OR IS IT THE LAUNDRY OF YOUR ILLEGITIMATE, LONG-LOST DAUGHTER
WHO'S MARRYING YOUR ONE-LEGGED STEPFATHER?
[dramatic sound effect]
MAKING FUN OF MY SOAP OPERA? REALLY?
[chuckling] SO CHILDISH.
BUT SO DEAD-ON.
THAT'S OUR EXACT PLOTLINE FOR NEXT WEEK.
[dramatic sound effect]
AAH! [gasps]
AAH!
WOULD YOU TWO STOP DOING THAT?
THEY'RE LIKE ALIENS.
OR ROBOTS.
WHATEVER THEY ARE, THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
THEY'RE HERE, AREN'T THEY?
AAH! ARGH.
JANIE, I'LL TELL YOU A SECRET.
IF YOU ASK YOUR PARENTS FOR A PUPPY 100 TIMES,
THEY HAVE TO GET YOU ONE.
- REALLY? - YUP.
IT'S THE LAW.
CAN I? 44.
CAN I? 45.
PLEASE. 46.
PLEASE. 47.
I PROMISE I'LL WALK HIM.
40...40...
I LOST COUNT.
I GET FOGGY AROUND THE 40s.
I'LL LET YOU START OVER.
DON'T YOU DO IT, KEVIN.
♪
* GIRL
♪ I WANT TO SKATE BACKWARDS WITH YOU, GIRL ♪
SKATE AWAY FROM THAT MIC, KEVIN.
SORRY, MARCUS, THERE'S NO PUTTING OUT THIS INFERNO.
* LACE UP YOUR LOVE SKATES ♪
[singing along] * LET'S DO SOME FIGURE EIGHTS ♪
♪ TAKE MY HAND
♪ I'M YOUR SLOW-SKATIN' MAN
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
KEVIN, I WILL SET FIRE TO THIS ROOM.
THIS ROOM'S ALREADY ON FIRE.
♪ GIRL, SKATE BACKWARDS WITH YOU, GIRL ♪
SORRY ABOUT THE TAKEOUT, GUYS.
I WAS GONNA COOK, BUT I COULDN'T FIND THE POTS AND PANS.
THAT'S OKAY. AT LEAST WE GET TO HAVE
A NICE, QUIET FAMILY DINNER.
[tuneless music]
JUST IGNORE THEM. EAT YOUR FOOD AND IGNORE TM.
MAKE IT STOP.
I DON'T EVEN WANT A PUPPY ANYMORE.
YES, I DO. WHO AM I KIDDING?
DAVID, THIS IS UNBEARABLE.
COME ON, EMILY. YOU CAN END THIS.
DO ONE INTERESTING THING.
PUSH THE BUTTON, AND WE CAN ALL GO HOME.
[sighs] FINE. GO BACK TO BEING BORING.
NO WONDER MATTHEW DUMPED YOU FOR JESSICA MINNOZZI.
OH, NO, HE MCDI'N'T.
JESSICA MINNOZZI?
I THOUGHT SHE KNEW ABOUT JESSICA MINNOZZI.
JESSICA MINNOZZI?
SHE KNEW. EVERYBODY KNEW.
JESSICA FREAKIN' MINNOZZI?
WELCOME BACK, AMERICA.
IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, YOU DISAPPOINT ME.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHECK BACK IN WITH THE HOBBS FAMILY,
WHERE EMILY IS FIRED UP.
OKAY, WE NEED TO BEAT THE MCGINLEYS AT THEIR OWN GAME.
THEY THINK THEY CAN BE ANNOYING?
WELL, WE WROTE THE BOOK ON ANNOYING.
LOSING TO THEM IS NOT AN OPTION.
NOT NOW. NOT EVER.
SO LET'S TAKE THAT FAMILY OF FAT HEADS DOWN!
I'VE NEVER LOVED YOU MORE THAN I DO RIGHT NOW, EMILY.
BUT, BABY, YOU DO NEED TO SHOWER.
THAT I DO. ALL RIGHT, NOW, FIRST, JOE,
YOU KNOW HOW YOU ACT LIKE A TOTAL DORK
WHEN YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ONE OF MY FRIENDS?
NO.
DO THAT WITH THE TWINS.
OH, I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. JANIE, COME HERE.
HERE'S WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO-- I NEED YOU TO FIND
ANY MCGINLEY YOU CAN AND ROPE THEM
INTO ONE OF YOUR THREE-HOUR TEA PARTIES.
HOW'S THAT ANNOYING?
I'LL TAKE XANDER. MOM, YOU'RE ON GIGI.
USE ALL YOUR IRRITATING MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES FROM THE SOAP.
AH, SI, SI, ROSARIO DESARIO'S GONNA DRIVE GIGI LOCO,
SHE WILL. AY-YI-YI-YI-YI.
WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT DO I DO?
TALK ABOUT YOUR SHOW FOR THREE HOURS.
IS THIS ABOUT THE TEA PARTY COMMENT?
HOW'S IT FEEL?
'SUP, LADIES?
I KNOW A LOT OF GUYS MIGHT BE CREEPED OUT
BY YOUR DEAD-EYED STARE.
BUT I'M INTO IT.
[upbeat music] COME ON. LET'S DANCE.
GET YOUR FREAK ON. WHOO!
♪
MR. MCGINLEY, WILL YOU PLAY TEA PARTY WITH ME?
PLEASE?
ONE LUMP OR TWO, TEDDY BOY?
OH, HEY, EMILY.
YOU GOT DRESSED. LISTEN,
I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YEST-- - HEY.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE GAME.
IT WOULD BE LIKE IF I HAPPENED TO MENTION
THE EMBARRASSING THING THAT ASHLEY TOLD LINDSAY
WHO TOLD ME YOU DID WITH JENNA.
WHAT THING?
THERE'S NO THING.
I MADE IT UP.
WAIT, HOLD ON.
WAS IT THE TIME WHEN I...
UH, WHEN I...
NO, IT WASN'T WHEN YOU LAUGHED SO HARD YOU FARTED
IN JENNA'S CAR.
I OWN HIM.
OOH, I SEE YOU'RE HAVING LOX WITH THAT BAGEL.
YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT REMINDS ME OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE EPISODES,
"SEE DAD GET LOCKED OUT AND LOCKED UP."
IN THAT EPISODE, I GOT ARRESTED FOR TRYING
TO BREAK INTO MY OWN HOUSE.
[laughs]
IT WAS A CLASSIC.
FADE IN:
DAVID, SITTING IN HIS RECLINER,
HIS FEET UP, THE FRONT DOOR OPENS,
IN WALKS HIS WIFE...
OH, HEY, TED.
SHAVING, HUH?
OH, YOU GOT ME, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.
[horn blasts] OH, OW!
OH, YOU NICKED YOURSELF.
YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME OF OUR CHRISTMAS EPISODE,
"SEE DAD SAVE CHRISTMAS IN THE ST. NICK OF TIME."
IN THAT EPISODE, I DRESSED UP LIKE SANTA CLAUS...
I KNEW HOBBS COULD DRONE ON AND ON ABOUT SEE DAD RUN,
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
THIS REMINDS ME OF "SEE DAD TESTIFY," WHERE I LED
THE CHURCH GOSPEL CHOIR AND HAD TO TESTIFY!
HOBBS, DO YOU MIND?
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TESTIMONY HERE.
FADE IN. [handcuffs snap]
WE SEE DAD RECLINING IN A PEW.
- ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT. - FROM THERE HE GOES OUT--
I CAN'T LISTEN TO THIS ANYMORE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL A MCCHALLENGE.
WHAT'S A MCCHALLENGE?
CONGRATULATIONS, HOBBS.
YOU ARE THE FIRST FAMILY EVER
TO FORCE A MCCHALLENGE.
NIKKI, WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPLAIN THE MCCHALLENGE?
THAT'S RIGHT, NIKKI.
FAMILY MEMBERS PARTICIPATE IN HEAD-TO-HEAD COMPETITIONS.
THE FIRST FAMILY TO WIN TWO OUT OF THREE CHALLENGES
WINS IT ALL.
SO THE CHICKEN CALLED A MCCHALLENGE.
[both clucking like chickens]
WHATEVER YOU DO, JANIE,
DON'T LOOK THEM IN THE EYE.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
[whistle blows]
all: GO! PULL!
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
POINT: MCGINLEYS.
[cheers]
YAY!
WE LOST, JANIE.
NO, WE WON. IT'S NOT MUD.
IT'S PUDDING.
WELL, THEN, MOVE OVER.
[all cheering]
YOU'RE A MCGINLEY. LET'S GO, XANDER. COME ON.
- [giggles] - STOP LAUGHING.
JUST TELL ME WHAT SHE SAID.
FINE. BUT YOU DON'T WANT ALL OF AMERICA TO HEAR.
[sound slowed] - WHOA!
[thud]
[cheers]
POINT: HOBBS.
[cheers continue]
AND WE'RE TIED 1-1.
THE NEXT ROUND WILL DECIDE THE WINNER.
YEAH, NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
WORTH A SHOT.
THEN THE MEN SHALL DECIDE THE WINNER...
SUMO-STYLE.
[whistle blows]
♪
both: * FROM PARIS TO L.A.
♪ FROM LONDON TO BOMBAY
♪ I'LL ROMANCE YOU EVERY DAY ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT TO SAY
♪ WHEN I ROCK YOUR WORLD, OOH, GIRL ♪
♪ I'M GONNA ROCK YOUR WORLD
W-W-W-WAIT.
SOMETHING IS MISSING, MAN.
OH, LASER LIGHTS.
DO IT, GIRL.
OH!
[electricity sizzles] AAH!
- THIS IS FOR BITING MY CALF. - [grunts]
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE TAKE FIVE
TILL THE CREW GETS THE POWER BACK ON.
NIKKI, LET'S CUDDLE FOR WARMTH.
LOOK AT US, TED. WHAT ARE WE DOING?
OH, I GET IT.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU TRY TO PSYCH ME OUT?
NO. NO, REALLY, WHY--
WHY WOULD YOU EVER AGREE TO DO A REALITY SHOW?
SAME REASON YOU DID.
WE BOTH LOVE THE SPOTLIGHT.
[sighs]
I MEAN, COME ON, DAVID.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOU'RE REALLY HAPPY
JUST BEING A STAY-AT-HOME DAD.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
I MEAN, BEFORE YOU GUYS KNOCKED ON MY DOOR,
I WAS PERFECTLY CONTENT JUST BEING WITH MY FAMILY.
[laughs]
OH, YOU WERE-- YOU WERE BEING SERIOUS.
WELL, THEN, DO ME A FAVOR AND THROW THE MATCH.
NO ONE HAS SURVIVED MCLIVIN' WITH US,
AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.
COME ON. I NEED THIS SHOW.
BUT MY CHARITY GETS THE MONEY.
DEAL.
AND WE'RE BACK.
RESUME-O SUMO.
[sound slowed] - YAAH!
[splat]
AND THE HOBBS WIN!
[all cheering] - YES! YES!
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
[laughter]
I MEANT WHAT I SAID ABOUT MY FAMILY,
BUT I DECIDED TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
'CAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, I LIKE ME MOST OF ALL.
THINK I WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW--
DON'T MESS WITH A HOBBS.
NOW YOU'RE CATCHING ON.
HEY, THANKS FOR GETTING ME OFF THE COUCH.
WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,
MATTHEW WAS CRAZY TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
I TOLD YOU DOING THIS SHOW WAS A GOOD CALL.
- MM-HMM. - EMILY'S BACK TO HER OLD SELF,
AND I HAVE A VERY GOOD FEELING
THAT I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE MCGINLEYS AGAIN.
AW.
[both giggling]
FINGERS CROSSED.
WELL, TED, GIGI, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
XANDER. WE'RE LEAVING.
OH, BY THE WAY, DAVID, I HAD A COUPLE
OF THE CREW GUYS CHANGE YOUR DOORBELL.
ENJOY.
* WHO KNOWS HOW, WHO KNOWS WHEN ♪
♪ BEFORE I EVEN KNEW IT, IT WAS TED PLUS TEN ♪
[laughs]
HEY, WHERE ARE THE TWINS?