ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THEME OF THE DANCE.
DISCO NIGHT!
YEAH! [giggles]
ALL IN FAVOR, SAY "FUNKY!"
all: FUNKY!
UH, MEREDITH, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "FUNKY"?
'CAUSE I'M NOT 80.
HEY, DANCE COMMITTEE MEMBERS.
WHO LOVES THE NIGHTLIFE?
WHO LOVES TO BOOGIE?
SWEET MOVES, MR. HOBBS.
YOU SHOULD CHAPERONE THE DANCE.
WELL, OLIVIA, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
AND IF YOU THINK THOSE MOVES ARE SWEET,
CHECK OUT THESE MOVES.
IT ALL STARTS RIGHT HERE, WATCH.
I AM SO EMBARRASSED FOR YOU.
SO, NOW THAT YOU DUMPED XANDER MCGINLEY--
AS IF YOU COULD DO BETTER--
[giggling]
WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?
I'M GOING WITH MY GIRLS.
OOH, I THINK YOU MEAN, "I'M GOING WITH MY GIRLS."
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GOING TO A SCHOOL DANCE
WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
YEAH, MEREDITH.
SO YOU DON'T HAVE A DATE EITHER.
I--I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I'M GOING WITH TUCKER.
all: OOH.
I KNOW.
SO IS THAT STUPID MEREDITH FACE STILL HERE?
YES, SHE IS... WITH HER STUPID MEREDITH FACE.
WHAT IS WITH HER?
SHE'S ALWAYS IN A CHEERLEADING OUTFIT.
IT'S LIKE, WE GET IT. YOU'VE GOT SOME SPIRIT.
NOW PUT ON SOME PANTS!
IT CAN BE TOUGH DEALING WITH A GIRL LIKE THAT.
I'M GONNA GO SAY SOMETHING.
HONEY, EMILY'S 15.
WE'VE GOTTA LET HER FIGHT HER OWN BATTLES.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT I STILL WANNA DO SOMETHING.
I MEAN, I WANNA SEND HER FLOWERS OR SOMETHING
JUST TO SHOW HER THAT I'M PROUD OF HER.
OH, HONEY, THAT'S SO SWEET.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR ME?
I AM GONNA LET THE AIR OUT OF STUPID MEREDITH FACE'S TIRES.
- OH, YOU KNOW ME SO WELL. - DON'T I?
[upbeat music]
♪
NO, NO, MAGGIE, WE STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN YOUR PACKAGE.
WELL, LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS,
I WILL CALL YOU AS SOON AS IT ARRIVES.
GUYS, SAY GOODBYE TO MAGGIE.
both: BYE, GRANDMA.
- HEY, HOW'S MY MOM? - GREAT.
GOOD. DID YOU TELL HER WE GOT HER PACKAGE YESTERDAY?
I'VE BEEN TELLING HER THAT WE DIDN'T GET IT.
I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY RIGHT NOW.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HONEY.
NEXT TIME SHE CALLS, JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
SHE'S A VERY FORGIVING WOMAN.
YAY! MY OWN PHONE!
COOL! NOW I DON'T HAVE TO USE THE HOUSE PHONE
LIKE IT'S THE NINETIES.
[laughing]
GUYS, GUYS, HAVING A PHONE IS A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.
I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME SOMETHING.
YOU'RE GONNA USE IT ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES.
- OKAY, MOMMY. - OKAY.
WE PROMISE. EMERGENCIES.
[phone ringing]
OOH!
HEY, MOM.
YEAH, WE GOT THE PACKAGE.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU.
WE DISCUSSED IT, AND SHE'S GONNA CALL YOU AND APOLOGIZE.
[mouthing words]
WELL, MA, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
SHE'S HERE RIGHT NOW, JUST HOLD ON A SECOND.
HERE YOU GO.
[doorbell]
DAD, WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!
FLOWERS FOR EMILY HOBBS.
THAT'S ME.
YOU GOT FLOWERS?
[both scream]
- THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. - WHO ARE THEY FROM?
UM, THERE'S NO CARD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
YOU HAVE A SECRET ADMIRER!
[both scream]
WHO IS IT, EMILY?
THINK, EMILY. HAVE YOU MET ANYONE NEW?
I DON'T KNOW.
[gasps]
THERE WAS THAT FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT
WHO SMELLED LIKE CHEESE.
[screaming]
WHAT? I LOVE CHEESE.
SOUNDS LIKE THE SCREAMS
OF SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT SOME FLOWERS.
- I DID GET FLOWERS. - FROM A SECRET ADMIRER.
SECRET?
THAT'S WHEN SOME PEOPLE KNOW THINGS
THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T.
THERE'S NO CARD, DAD. IT'S KIND OF A MYSTERY.
- OH. - I THINK IT'S ROMANTIC.
IT REALLY IS!
[all scream]
OH, GREAT! I SEE THE FLOWERS HAVE ARRIVED.
YES, UH, EMILY HAS A SECRET ADMIRER.
SECRET?
YEAH, THAT'S WHEN SOME PEOPLE KNOW THINGS
THAT OTHER PEOPLE DON'T.
THE CARD FELL OFF THE FLOWERS.
[screams]
SHOULDN'T WE TELL HER THEY'RE FROM YOU?
I CAN'T DO THAT NOW.
THEY'RE ALL SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT IN THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HER IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS.
I'VE NEVER GOTTEN FLOWERS BEFORE.
[phone ringing]
[squeals] I KNOW!
IT'S SO ROMANTIC.
HELLO?
IT WAS A NICE IDEA, DAD.
THANK YOU, JOE.
AREN'T YOU TWO SUPPOSED TO BE CLEANING YOUR ROOM?
IF HE ASKS, I'M NOT HERE.
OKAY. OKAY, OKAY. THIS IS HIM!
IT'S YOUR SECRET ADMIRER.
ACT CASUAL.
I WAS SURE IT WAS HIM. HE WAS WALKING RIGHT TOWARDS US.
MAYBE WE SHOULD WALK AWAY FROM THE BOYS' BATHROOM.
HANGING BY THE BOYS' BATHROOM.
WHAT ARE YOU, TROLLING FOR DATES?
WHAT DO YOU WANT, MEREDITH?
YEAH, 'CAUSE WE'RE BUSY TALKING
ABOUT EMILY'S SECRET ADMIRER AND STUFF.
OOH, EMILY HAS A SECRET ADMIRER?
AND STUFF.
WELL, ALL OF MY ADMIRERS WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW,
'CAUSE...I'M ME.
YEAH, WELL, I'M ME.
[giggling]
AND, UH, FYI, I KNOW WHO MY SECRET ADMIRER IS.
- YOU DO? - YES, I DO. AND HE'S GORGEOUS.
RIGHT, GUYS?
OH, YEAH!
HE'S THE HOT GUY FROM THE MALL WHO HELPED YOU
WHEN YOUR FLIP-FLOP GOT STUCK IN THE ESCALATOR.
AND WHEN HE SLIPPED IT ON YOUR FOOT
AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT,
IT FIT PERFECTLY.
WHERE'S THIS MALL YOU GO TO? NEVER REALLY HAPPENED LAND?
[all giggling]
WELL, LAUGH ALL YOU WANT,
BECAUSE WE'LL BE THE ONES LAUGHING
WHEN MY SECRET ADMIRER SHOWS UP AT THE DANCE.
[exaggerated laugh]
AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU EARLIER
BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU
IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS.
THE TRUTH IS THAT I SENT YOU THOSE FLOWERS, HONEY,
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
[fake crying]
I LOVE YOU TOO, DADDY.
DAD. DAVID.
YOU KNOW, I CAME OVER THERE BECAUSE MY WIFE AND HER SISTERS
WERE POLISHING AND PLUCKING AND WAXING EVERYTHING.
AND THAT'S STILL MORE MANLY THAN WHAT'S GOING ON OVER HERE.
WHAT!
OH, GOOD! EMILY, YOU'RE HOME.
I WANNA TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
CAN IT WAIT? I HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.
I GOT CARRIED AWAY AND I TOLD MEREDITH
THAT I HAVE A SECRET ADMIRER
WHO'S GONNA SHOW UP AT THE DANCE.
WHO'S MEREDITH?
CLASSIC MEAN GIRL. HEAD CHEERLEADER.
A POISONOUS SNAKE WHO SUCKS THE LIFE
OUT OF WEAKER TEENAGE PREY.
THANKS FOR THE UPDATE, GOSSIP GIRL.
EMILY, WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?
WHO CARES WHAT THIS MEREDITH THINKS ANYWAY?
UH, ONLY EVERYBODY... both: THAT MATTERS.
SHE SENT A MASS TEXT, DAD.
THE WHOLE SCHOOL IS EXPECTING A GUY TO SHOW UP AT THE DANCE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO IF NO ONE SHOWS UP.
EMILY, SIT DOWN.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU THIS EARLIER, BUT...
THE TRUTH IS THAT...
I GUARANTEE YOU THAT YOUR SECRET ADMIRER
WILL SHOW UP AT THE DANCE.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
YES! ABSOLUTELY. I MEAN, WHAT BOY WOULD...
SPEND $142.87, NOT INCLUDING THE UPGRADED VASE,
ONLY TO LET YOU DOWN?
- THANKS, DADDY. - YEAH, OKAY.
I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOW THAT RIGHT THERE
REMINDED ME OF WORKING ON THE SHOW.
WE'D REHEARSE A SCENE, KEVIN WOULD CRY.
THEN I'D YELL ACTION,
AND YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
THIS IS LIKE THE SHOW.
I JUST HAVE TO GET SOMEONE
TO SHOW UP AT THAT DANCE FOR EMILY.
SO WE ARE GONNA CAST HER LEADING MAN.
AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD.
JUST WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE SCREWING UP ONE OF YOUR KID'S LIVES FOR GOOD,
YOU COME UP WITH A HAREBRAINED SCHEME
THAT MAKES IT ALL BETTER.
[laughter]
OKAY, WE GOTTA CALL...
[phone ringing]
MOM, YOUR PHONE'S RINGING!
HURRY! YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT!
I GOT IT, SWEETIE.
HELLO.
HI, IT'S JANIE.
JANIE, IS THIS AN EMERGENCY?
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU.
AWW. IS THAT WHY YOU CALLED?
NO. I CAN'T REACH THE REMOTE.
TOUCH-Y!
BUT I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ANYMORE.
I'VE ADMIRED YOU FROM AFAR FOR FAR TOO LONG.
I'M YOUR SECRET ADMIRER, EMILY.
THAT WAS GREAT! YES!
[sneezes]
OKAY, WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
DAVID, COME ON, MAN.
WE'VE SEEN LIKE 21 BOYS,
ALL WITH GELLED HAIR AND THREE NAMES.
ANY ONE OF THEM COULD BE EMILY'S SECRET ADMIRER.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH CHANCE AARON CHANDLER?
OR BOBBY BOO BOO BALOO-- WHATEVER HIS NAME WAS?
NONE OF THESE GUYS IS GOOD ENOUGH TO PRETEND-DATE EMILY.
AND, YOU KNOW, NOT ONE OF THEM PASSED MY SNEEZE TEST.
I MEAN, ANY DECENT PERSON WOULD SAY "BLESS YOU"
AFTER YOU SNEEZE, AND NOT ONE OF THESE KIDS DID.
OKAY, GENTLEMEN, UP NEXT IS CRISPIN CONNOR-CONNELLY.
HE'S 16 AND HIS SPECIAL SKILLS
INCLUDE HORSEBACK RIDING AND MIME.
OOH, FUN!
[David groaning]
NEXT!
EMILY!
UH...KEVIN!
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
[slowly] I'M STARTING A BOY BAND.
YEAH. * STOP
♪ DON'T COME IN HERE, GIRL
♪ YOU MIGHT SEE SOMETHING
♪ THAT YOU DON'T WANNA SEE
MARCUS, CAN YOU HELP THIS MAN OUT OF HIS BOX, PLEASE?
WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO, DAVID?
THE DOOR'S LOCKED.
CONSERVE YOUR AIR, BOY!
[mimics chainsaw] WE'LL GET YOU OUTTA THERE!
UH, DAVID, DAVID, DAVID!
"EMILY, I'VE BEEN AFRAID TO COME FORWARD,
"BUT I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ANYMORE.
I'VE ADMIRED YOU FROM AFAR--"
EMILY, THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.
YOU'RE CASTING MY SECRET ADMIRER?
OH, THEN IT IS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D ACTUALLY CAST
ONE OF THESE GUYS TO SHOW UP AT THE DANCE
SO I'M NOT... TOTALLY HUMIATED.
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
YOUNG LADY, THERE'S NO NEED FOR NAME CALL--
WAIT, WHAT?
THIS IS PERFECT.
AND AWW, YOU EVEN HA ME LETTING HIM DOWN GENTLY
SO I'M NOT STUCK IN THIS NIGHTMARE.
SEE, I DON'T JUST DO JOKES.
I BRING THE HEART. THANK YOU.
KEVIN! LET'S SEE THE NEXT GUY.
UH, YEAH, OKAY.
UP NEXT, WE HAVE BRENDAN BRODY-BRAVERMAN.
HEY! HEY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR CALLING ME IN.
[sneezes]
- BLESS YOU, SIR. - FOUND OUR GUY.
[phone ringing]
- OKAY. JOE, WHAT'S WRONG? - NOTHING.
NOTHING WRONG WITH ME EITHER, MOMMY.
WE JUST LEARNED HOW TO CONFERENCE CALL.
KIDS, WHAT DID I TELL YOU? [phone chimes]
HOLD ON, YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S ON THE OTHER LINE.
HI, MAGGIE.
OH, MAGGIE, I GOTTA STOP YOU THERE.
I'D LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BOUT WITH FOOD POISONING,
BUT I'M AT WORK.
HEY!
YOU KNOW WHO'D LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT ALL YOUR PROBLEMS?
KIDS? YOU'RE ON CONFERENCE WITH GRANDMA!
kids: HI, GRANDMA!
- EW! - OH, GRANDMA, COME ON!
[DJ playing disco music]
HEY! LOOK WHO IT IS.
AS BEYONCE WOULD SAY, "ALL THE SINGLE LOSERS."
[all giggle]
SO WHERE'S YOUR SECRET ADMIRER?
UH, WELL, MEREDITH, IF I WERE YOU,
I'D BE A LITTLE MORE WORRIED ABOUT TUCKER.
- TUCKER! - HMM?
PUT THAT DOWN! NO!
OH! HEY, UH, BRENDAN.
- YEAH. - GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
YOU WANNA RUN YOUR LINES?
- NOPE, I GOT MY LINES. - EXCELLENT.
I LIKE AN ACTOR WHO COMES PREPARED.
EMILY'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
AND NOW I GOT MY MOTIVATION!
EXCUSE ME?
WELL, I FIGURE I'LL SAY MY LINES,
THEN PLANT ONE ON HER TO SELL THE PASSION.
'CAUSE SHE IS LOOKIN' FIIINE!
AND YOU ARE LOOKING FIIIRED!
WHAT!
YOU REALIZE I'M HER DAD, RIGHT?
REALLY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE WRITER.
THE WRITER?
YEAH.
DO I LOOK LIKE A WRITER?
- STOP, STOP. - PLEASE LEAVE!
THERE'S NO COMING BACK FROM THAT.
JUST GO!
NO, NO! DAD, DAD! WASN'T THAT BRENDAN?
WHY IS HE WALKING OUT? - [sighs]
WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE I PUT A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH STOCK
IN THAT SNEEZE TEST.
HE, UH--HE SAID YOU LOOKED "FIIINE!"
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING!
WELL, NOT THE WAY HE SAID IT.
JUST PLEASE FIND SOMEBODY, ANYBODY.
PLEASE! - ALL RIGHT.
WELL, DAVID, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
I'LL DO ANYTHING.
[sneezes]
BLESS YOU.
OHHH, NOOO.
[DJ playing disco music]
♪
IT'S COOL.
EMILY HOBBS.
OHHH, NOOO.
IT'S ME.
TRISTAN...TELLER...
TRAVIS...ST. THOMAS.
SO YOU'RE MY SECRET ADMIRER, TRISTAN TELLER--
TRISTAN ST. THOMAS.
HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE THAT KEVIN GUY.
YEAH, IT'S UNCANNY.
I'VE BEEN AFRAID TO COME FORWARD,
BUT I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ANYMORE.
AND EVEN THOUGH WE ARE COMPLETE STRANGERS,
EXCEPT FOR THE TIME WHEN YOU HELPED ME
WHEN MY FLIP-FLOP GOT STUCK IN THE ESCALATOR AT THE MALL,
I FEEL LIKE I'VE KNOWN YOU FOREVER.
SO...THIS IS YOUR SECRET ADMIRER.
- YOU HEARD THE MAN. - [laughing]
IF I WERE YOU, HE'S ONE SECRET I WOULD HAVE KEPT.
AM I RIGHT, TUCKER?
TUCKER! - HUH?
WAIT, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
UM, HE'S KIND OF LIKE OLD. BUT AT LEAST YOU HAD A DATE.
UNLIKE "FOREVER" AND "SINGLE."
I LOVE THAT STORE!
YOU KNOW WHAT, MEREDITH, THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.
THOSE GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS.
AND THIS GUY JUST HAPPENS TO BE
ONE OF THE NICEST HUMAN BEINGS I KNOW.
THAT'S RIGHT, I KNOW HIM.
HE LIVES IN A TRAILER IN MY BACKYARD.
[laughs] MY POINT IS...
HE WAS WILLING TO PRETEND TO BE MY SECRET ADMIRER
JUST SO YOU WOULDN'T JUDGE ME.
AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS COME TO THIS DANCE WITH MY FRIENDS.
AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
I NEVER SHOULD'VE LET YOU GET INSIDE MY HEAD.
I'M HERE WITH MY COUSIN BECAUSE YOU GOT INSIDE MY HEAD!
I PAID MY DOG WALKER TO TAKE ME!
AND WE BROKE UP WEEKS AGO!
YEAH, SHE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
SHE HAS MY DOG!
AND NEXT TIME, JUST COME WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS,
THEN JUST COME ANYWAY AND WE'LL ALL DANCE TOGETHER.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU, KEVIN. - ANYTIME.
[The Bee Gees' You Should Be Dancing plays]
IT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL FUNKY UP IN HERE!
[cheers and applause]
♪ MY BABY MOVES AT MIDNIGHT
♪ GOES RIGHT ON TILL THE DAWN
♪ MY WOMAN TAKES ME HIGHER
♪ MY WOMAN KEEPS ME WARM
♪ WHAT YOU DOIN' ON YOUR BACK ♪
♪ AHH, WHAT YOU DOIN' ON YOUR BACK ♪
♪ AHH, YOU SHOULD BE DANCING, YEAH ♪
♪ DANCING, YEAH
♪ SHE'S JUICY AND SHE'S TROUBLE ♪
♪ SHE GETS IT TO ME GOOD
♪ MY WOMAN GIVES ME POWER...
EMILY. YOU WERE GREAT.
REALLY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. THAT WAS FANTASTIC.
THANKS, DAD.
YOU KNOW I AM YOUR BIGGEST SECRET ADMIRER.
YES, I KNOW, DADDY.
BUT THAT'S NOT MUCH OF A SECRET.
NO, IT'S NOT.
[DJ playing disco music]
COME ON!
OKAY, BUT IF ANYBODY WALKS IN, WE STOP, ALL RIGHT?
- MM-HMM. - [laughing]
WAIT. WHAT'S WITH THE LIP BITING?
THE LIP BITING SELLS IT. IT'S FOXY.
COME ON, IT PUTS THE MUSIC IN YOU.
THERE WE GO! WATCH THIS ONE.
YEAH! - WOW!
CUTTING IT CLOSE.
COME ON. THERE WE GO.
[laughing]
THANK YOU, DADDY.
- REALLY? - BUNION SURGERY?
WOW, STILL GRANDMA, HUH?
I DON'T WANT MY PHONE ANYMORE.
THIS IS A REAL EMERGENCY. PLEASE TAKE THIS AWAY.
HEY, MAGGIE.
HEY, UH, IT'S ME. YOUR--
YEAH, THEIR BATTERY IS... [mimics static]
LOW. [mimics static]
WHAT? I CAN'T-- [mimics static]
HEAR YOU.
THANKS, MOM.
[phone ringing]
HELLO?
OH, HEY, MOM.
YEAH, HANG ON A SEC. I'LL GO GET THEM.
HUH. I THOUGHT THEY WERE IN HERE.
OH, THERE THEY ARE!
ALL RIGHT.
HANG ON, MOM. I'LL PUT YOU ON SPEAKER.
all: HI, GRANDMA.