AH, AH, AH, AH!
I SAID YOU COULD HAVE A COOKIE AFTER DINNER.
IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME PLACE, DADDY.
I KNOW IT DOES.
BUT I WANT THE GOOD STUFF TO GO IN FIRST.
I'M WITH YA.
I SAID THE GOOD STUFF.
THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF!
I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE, DIDN'T I?
- HEY. - HEY.
GUESS WHAT.
I FINALLY GET TO DO SOME REAL ACTING ON THE SOAP.
DR. SARAH DESARIO GETS TO BE AN ACTUAL DOCTOR!
I DON'T JUST GET A DRINK THROWN IN MY FACE.
I GET TO SAY THINGS LIKE "MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION"!
MOMMY SAID "FARCTION."
MOM, I'M GONNA NEED TO VIDEOTAPE YOU AT WORK
FOR MY CAREER DAY PROJECT.
WILL YOU SIGN THIS PERMISSION SLIP
SO I CAN MISS SCHOOL TOMORROW?
I DON'T KNOW IF TOMORROW'S GONNA WORK, SWEETIE.
OH, BIG DAY. GOT A LOT OF LINES TO LEARN.
WELL, THEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO FOR CAREER DAY?
HELLO?
DAD, PLEASE, NOT NOW.
I'M TRYING TO THINK OF SOMEONE WHO HAS A JOB.
EXCUSE ME? I HAVE A JOB. I WORK RIGHT HERE.
I'LL TELL YOU, I'VE WORKED HARDER
BEING A STAY-AT-HOME DAD THAN I EVER DID AS A TV DAD.
- MM-HMM. - AND I HAVE TO DO MY OWN HAIR.
HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
NOW, BEING A STAY-AT-HOME PARENT
IS A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT JOB.
GREAT! I'LL STAY HOME WITH YOU, DAD.
AND I GET TO DO
HANGING WITH MY POPS AND NOT WEARING PANTS.
DADDY, PLEASE MAKE HIM WEAR PANTS.
OKAY.
I'M INSISTING ON IT.
THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, MISTER.
MM-HMM. MM.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK OF THIS ROOM AS THE KITCHEN,
BUT I LIKE TO THINK OF IT AS THE BASE OF OPERATIONS,
THE BRIDGE OF THE USS HOBBS.
JOE, YOU'RE GETTING MY GOOD SIDE, RIGHT?
DAD, MY CAREER DAY PROJECT IS A DOCUMENTARY.
JUST ACT NATURAL.
HELLO, FATHER.
OH!
JOSEPH, I DID NOT SEE YOU THERE.
JOEY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO INFORM THE OTHER ON-AIR TALENT.
JANIE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT NATURAL.
TELL HER, DAD.
DAD! - YEAH, SORRY!
OKAY, NOW.
EVERY MORNING IN THE HOBBS HOUSE
BRINGS A NEW SET OF DEMANDS.
FOR EXAMPLE, BREAKFAST.
I KNOW THAT EMILY, SHE LIKES TO HAVE EGG WHITES,
UH, WHEAT TOAST.
UH, CAN'T, DAD. REMEMBER?
I HAVE AN EARLY PRODUCTION MEETING
FOR MY HIGH SCHOOL NEWS PROGRAM.
I AM TRYING TO DOUBLE MY VIEWERSHIP,
WHICH MEANS IT WOULD GO FROM ME TO...
ANYONE ELSE.
WHICH IS WHY OUR BIG-TIME PRODUCER
GETS HER BREAKFAST TO GO.
NOW REMEMBER THAT YOUR BAG OF BREAKFAST
IS THE MOST IMPORTANT BAG OF THE DAY.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
DAD...
Y- I'M AWARE OF THAT.L.
I'M JUST TIMING THE TRAFFIC.
AND WE GO!
AND THAT'S THE KEY TO QUICK CARPOOL DROP-OFF.
JUST SMILE AND WAVE,
AND FLY DOWN THAT "BUSES ONLY" LANE
LIKE YOU'RE MEANT TO BE THERE.
NOW DOING LAUNDRY CAN BE FRAUGHT WITH DANGER.
IF YOU DON'T INSPECT THE POCKETS THOROUGHLY,
THERE'S A VER-- - PA-PA!
I FOUND A RED PEN. - AH, YES.
THE DREADED RED PEN, THE ENEMY OF LAUNDRY.
OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, EL DIABLO ROJO.
GOOD WORK.
SORTING MAIL TAKES FOCUS AND CONCENTRATION.
JUNK MAIL IS ALWAYS TRYING TO SELL YOU STUFF
THAT YOU DON'T NEED.
THEY PREY ON THE WEAK-MINDED.
NOW--
OOH. I SHOULD ACT FAST.
THIS OFFER FOR COLLECTIBLE RARE BIRD PLATES
IS NOT GONNA LAST FOREVER.
PUT IT IN MY POCKET.
AND IN OTHER NEWS,
JEFF NOUGAT-ASTRONAUT WILL BE PRESIDING OVER--
UH, TAYLOR, IT'S JEFF TZOUGANATOS.
THAT'S TOO HARD TO SAY, EM.
CAN WE CHANGE IT?
NO, WE'RE A NEWS SOURCE.
AND IT'S HIS NAME.
CAN'T I PLEASE JUST DO THE WEATHER?
THAT'S MY REAL PASSION.
PLUS, THERE ARE NO NAMES THERE.
TAYLOR, I REALLY NEED YOU TO JUST READ THE NEWS.
I'M SORRY, EM, BUT I'VE GOTTA FOLLOW MY DREAMS.
I'M OUT.
NO, BUT--BUT TAYLOR, IT'S TWO MINUTES TO AIR!
WAYNE.
CAN YOU SAY "TZOUGANATOS"?
HEY. LUNCH.
ONE SEC, BEA.
PLEASE!
NEXT MONDAY,
THERE WILL BE A WIDER SELECTION OF LUNCH PRODUCTS
ON THE CAFETERIA MENU.
HOPEFULLY, ONE OF THOSE PRODUCTS WILL BE ACTUAL FOOD.
ROLL CAMERA.
THE WIZARDS AND WARRIORS CLUB
WILL BE TAKING PLACE IN THE BASEMENT TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
TAKE THE TRAP DOOR THROUGH THE DUNGEON,
HANG A LEFT AT THE SKULL,
AND DON'T FORGET YOUR CLOAK OF SHAME.
AND FINALLY, THE PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS
IS OFFERING TO RETAKE YOUR SCHOOL I.D. PHOTO.
IN CASE IT LOOKS LIKE THIS.
OR IN MY CASE, LIKE THIS.
AND WE'RE OUT.
OUT OF WHAT?
OH, I WAS JUST BROADCASTING LIVE.
YOU JUST DID THE NEWS.
YOU MEAN, I WAS JUST ON THE AIR LIVE?
YEAH! AND YOU WERE HILARIOUS.
RIGHT, WAYNE?
YOU SHOULD BE MY NEW ANCHOR.
PEOPLE WOULD LOVE YOU.
I DON'T KNOW, EM.
I MEAN, IT WAS FUN,
BUT I'M NOT REALLY A LIVE PERSON.
I MEAN, I'M A-LIVE, BUT NOT SO MUCH IN FRONT OF A CAMERA.
I KINDA LIKE BEING INVISIBLE.
IN FACT, I AM PERFECTLY HAPPY BEING INVISI-BEA.
OH, MY GOSH,
YOU'RE BEA MARONEY FROM THE HIGH SCHOOL NEWS.
YOU CRACKED ME UP, AND I NEVER LAUGH AT ANYTHING,
'CAUSE, LET'S BE HONEST, WHAT'S FUNNY ANYMORE?
GOOD JOB. THAT WAS SO GOOD.
- THAT WAS SO GREAT. - YOU WERE SO FUNNY.
YOU'RE SO COOL.
WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MAYBE I COULD GET USED TO "HIGH SCHOOL NEWS,"
WITH YOUR HOST, BEA MARONEY.
SANTIAGO, I HAVE RULED OUT A MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION,
BUT I MUST PERFORM AN EMERGENCY APPENDECTOMY.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I'M A DOCTOR.
DR. SARAH DESARIO, MEDICAL DOCTOR.
SINCE WE ARE LOCKED IN THIS CLOSET,
I MUST SANITIZE THE AREA.
WITH WHAT?
THIS TRAVEL-SIZE HAND SANITIZER...
AND A LITTLE MOXIE.
LIE DOWN.
FOR A SCALPEL, I WILL USE THE SHARP END
OF THE ROTHSCHILD TIGER EYE BROACH.
CUT!
LOOK, WE'RE RUNNING LONG,
SO WE'RE GONNA CUT THE WHOLE OPERATION.
WHA--WHAT?
BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE REAL DOCTOR ACTING THING.
YEAH, WELL, WE JUST NEEDED TO GET HIS SHIRT OFF.
SO, UH, LET'S GO TO LINE 37.
AND...ACTION!
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL THE ROTHSCHILD TIGER EYE BROACH
BY HIDING IT INSIDE ME?
BUT I DIDN'T DO ANY--
YOU ARE AN EVIL LITTLE WOMAN.
both: WHOA!
DAD, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.
FITZY DID A RIDE-ALONG WITH HIS DAD FOR CAREER DAY.
THIS IS WHERE MY DAD JUMPS OUT AND CHASES THE PERP ON FOOT,
ALL PARKOUR-STYLE.
I'VE RIDDEN ALONG WITH THE COPS BEFORE.
REMEMBER OUR SPECIAL EPISODE, "SEE DAD BOOK 'EM, DADDO"?
both: WHOA!
BUSTED!
IS, UH, IS THAT MARTIAL ARTS?
YEAH, HIS DAD'S HANDS ARE REGISTERED
AS LETHAL WEAPONS.
THAT'S PRETTY COOL. CHECK THIS OUT.
ELLIOT'S MOM IS A HEART SURGEON.
THIS IS WHERE SHE RECONNECTS THE HEART
FROM THE HEART-LUNG MACHINE.
WHOA!
SHE'S MASSAGING THAT HEART BACK INTO BEATING
WITH HER OWN HANDS!
I GAVE A MONKEY MOUTH TO MOUTH ONCE.
IT LIVED.
- YOU READY TO GO? - I'M FIRED UP.
AND BY THAT, I MEAN ON THE VERGE
OF A PANIC ATTACK.
HEY, HERE'S A CRAZY IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU BE ON CAMERA
AND I'LL STAND OVER THERE WITH THE HEADSET?
TRUST ME, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME DO THE NEWS AGAIN.
WHY NOT? I DO. I'M SURE EVERYONE ELSE DOES.
RIGHT, WAYNE?
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
I'M HERE FOR YOU, OKAY?
AND WE'RE LIVE IN FIVE...
FOUR...
BEA, MY HAND!
HELLO! WELCOME TO "HIGH SCHOOL NEWS."
MY NAME IS MEA BALONEY.
BEA MARONEY!
PRESENT!
NO, JUST--JUST RELAX AND SLOW DOWN.
UH...
BUS RIDERS, BE AWARE...
THAT, UH... - NOT THAT SLOW!
BUS NUMBER FOUR IS IN SPACE NUMBER SIX,
AND, UH, BUS NUMBER SIX IS IN SPACE NUMBER FOUR...
AND FOUR IS IN...
IS IT RAINING IN HERE?
SO, UH, DON'T GET ON THE WRONG...
MAN, IT'S-- IT'S HOT IN HERE!
IS IT ME?
IS IT HOT?
YES! IT'S HER.
WAYNE, PULL BACK! PULL BACK!
NO, WAYNE, PUSH IN! PUSH IN!
THAT'S THE NEWS, AND I'M...
VERY SORRY.
HURRY UP, KEVIN, COME ON.
JOE WILL BE BACK FROM FITZY'S ANY MINUTE.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO CATCH US LOOKING AT HIS FOOTAGE.
DON'T WORRY, DAVID, WATCHING JOE'S FOOTAGE
IS GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE YOU'RE DAVID HOBBS.
THOSE OTHER PARENTS CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
ONE'S A COP, ONE'S A HEART SURGEON.
YEAH, AND ONE WORKS ON THE SPACE STATION.
SO WHAT?
"LOOK AT ME!
I'M FLOATING IN SPACE FOR SIX MONTHS."
WHOOP-DEE-DO!
CAN THEY DO THIS?
NOW MY SECRET TO CLEANING THE SINK STRAINER
IS TO TURN IT OVER
AND SPRAY WATER THROUGH THE BOTTOM.
OKAY, MAYBE NOT THE BEST EXAMPLE.
NOW, FOR THE MORE ADVANCED,
IF YOU SLIDE THE BAG FULL OF AIR INTO THE CAN,
YOU GET A TIGHTER FIT AND MAXIMUM BAG USAGE.
I THINK THE GOOD STUFF'S COMING UP IN THE--
THE NEXT SCENE.
MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE A SPOTTER FOR THE LADDER
WHEN THREADING A LIGHT BULB.
AND THEN, MOST IMPORTANTLY, TURN AWAY...
SO THAT WHEN THE LIGHT COMES ON, YOU DON'T GO BLIND.
SEE? I'M OKAY.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
HOW DID MY LIFE BECOME THIS, KEVIN?
KEVIN?
WELL, DAD, I SUPPOSE BUILDING A TREE HOUS..
HONEY, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING OLD CLIPS OF YOUR SHOW
FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT?
A YEAR AGO, I WAS AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE DAD.
I IMPACTED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE'S LIVES.
AND NOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M MAKING AN IMPACT
ON MY OWN KIDS!
HONEY, SIT DOWN.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING,
AND I DON'T WANT IT TO FRIGHTEN YOU, OKAY?
BUT I DON'T THINK I HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
- WHAT? - I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT'S SHOCKING.
AFTER ALL THIS TIME AS A STAY-AT-HOME DAD,
OUR KIDS ARE STILL A MYSTERY TO ME.
I JUST DON'T WANNA GO TO BED EVERY NIGHT THINKING,
"OH, I HOPE I DIDN'T SCREW UP MY KIDS TODAY."
SWEETIE, THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ASKING THAT QUESTION
IS WHAT MAKES YOU SUCH A GOOD FATHER.
THE KIDS LOVE YOU.
I DON'T SEE JOE RACING TO SHOW HIS VIDEO
TO FITZY AND ELLIOT.
IF THIS WERE MY TV SHOW,
I'D GET A CREW IN HERE AND RESHOOT THIS SNOOZE-FEST.
AT LEAST THAT WOULD KEEP JOE
FROM BEING EMBARRASSED BY ME AT CAREER DAY.
OH.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
- OH, NO. OH, NO. - THAT'S IT.
NO, NO, HONEY? HONEY. - OH, NO.
I NEED YOU TO LOOK AWAY.
THIS LIGHT BULB IS ABOUT TO TURN ON.
SWEETIE, PLEASE TELL ME
YOU'RE NOT GONNA RESHOOT JOE'S VIDEO.
AMY, WHAT KIND OF FATHER WOULD I BE
IF I DIDN'T TRY TO TRICK PEOPLE
INTO THINKING I WAS A BETTER FATHER?
I TOLD YOU TO LOOK AWAY.
IN A WORLD WHERE FRONT LAWNS CAN DIE IN A DAY,
AND LUNCHES CAN DISAPPEAR WITHOUT A TRACE,
THERE'S ONE MAN WHO BRINGS SANITY TO THE CHAOS.
DADDY! I NEED YOU!
ONE MAN WHO SERVES VARIED AND NUTRITIOUS MEALS WITH EASE.
ONE MAN WHO CAN SAVE HIS CHILD FROM EXPIRED DAIRY PRODUCTS
WITH HIS OWN TONGUE.
ONE MAN WHOSE HANDS SHOULD BE REGISTERED
AS LETHAL WEAPONS.
THAT MAN IS...DAVID HOBBS, STAY-AT-HOME DAD.
SNOT ON MY WATCH.
WOW! THAT WAS SUPER COOL, DAD.
"SNOT ON MY WATCH."
- GENIUS. - THANK YOU.
SO YOU WANNA BURN IT ONTO A DVD
AND SHOW IT ON YOUR LAPTOP?
WHAT? I CAN'T USE THAT.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW IT REALLY IS.
WHA--YEAH, IT IS.
JOE, YOU--YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOES ON IN THIS HOUSE
WHEN YOU'RE IN SCHOOL ALL DAY.
DAD, I'VE ALREADY MADE MY VIDEO.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, JOE.
LISTEN, IF, YOU KNOW, YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
MY VIDEO'S RIGHT HERE.
DAD, I LOVE YOU, BUT...
SNOT GONNA HAPPEN.
SO, DID YOU FIND ANYONE TO ANCHOR THE SHOW?
YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER.
REALLY? I FEEL BAD.
NO, DON'T FEEL BAD, BEA.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MY FRIEND,
AND IF YOU DON'T WANNA DO IT,
THEN I'M NOT GONNA ASK YOU.
BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY.
PERFORMING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE
DOESN'T EXACTLY BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME.
ALL RIGHT, WAYNE.
WE'RE LIVE IN THREE...
TWO...
GOOD AFTERNOON, FELLOW STUDENTS!
HERE IS THE NEWS!
SHE KNOWS SHE HAS A MICROPHONE, RIGHT?
OUR SOCCER TEAM WON THEIR VERY FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON!
GO, BADGERS!
IF SHE'S GOING DOWN, I'M GOING DOWN WITH HER.
A REMINDER--WHEN YOU CHECK OUT A BOOK FROM THE LIBRARY,
PLEASE MAKE SURE TO RETURN IT!
ALONG WITH MY DIGNITY.
HERE'S A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CARPOOL MONITORS.
THE BUS LANE IS NOT A DROP-OFF LANE.
NO CARS ALLOWED.
WHY ARE MY EYES BURNING?
MAYBE FROM THE SOUND OF MY VOICE?
IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE PERFECT, STACEY.
N-NOBODY CARES.
ON THIS SHOW, I'M A... I'M A HUMAN SPONGE.
YOU HAVE A GREAT LUNCH, SWEETIE.
OH, BOY.
AMY...
MY ABUELA CAME TO VISIT,
AND SHE INSISTS ON MEETING YOU.
IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
SHE SAYS SHE LOVES YOU.
YOU DO REALIZE I SPEAK SPANISH.
THEN THIS IS UNFORTUNATE.
I'M PRETTY SURE SHE SAID, UH...
"HOW DARE YOU TREAT MY GRANDSON LIKE A BACK-ALLEY CAT,
YOU WICKED WITCH"?
YOUR SPANISH IS EXCELLENT.
THEN YOU ALSO KNOW SHE ONLY WATCHES THE SHOW
HOPING THAT ONE DAY YOU WILL DROWN
FROM A DRINK IN YOUR FACE.
ABUELA.
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU WATCH THE SHOW BECAUSE OF ME?
I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE TO HATE! AAH!
I MATTER! OH, COME HERE!
MWAH!
SHE HATES ME!
YOU HATE ME! YOU REALLY, REALLY HATE ME!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, AMY.
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CAREER DAY,
AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.
OH, BUTTON UP. YOU'RE GOING.
I CAN'T COMPETE WITH A COP AND A HEART SURGEON...
AND THE PHILHARMONIC'S THIRD CHAIR FLAUTIST.
SANDY TANUKI'S DAD PLAYS THE FLAUT.
I'LL BE READY IN TWO MINUTES.
I JUST WANNA CHECK MY PROJECT ONE LAST TIME.
I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THIS VIDEO AGAIN?
I THINK I'M GONNA NEED SOME MORE PEANUT BUTTER.
SIT!
MY DAD PLAYED AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE DAD ON TV.
SO AN OLD MAN'S DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD...
BUT NOW, HE'S PLAYING HIS MOST IMPORTANT ROLE YET.
GETS PULLED OVER-- HE GETS PULLED OVER BY A COP.
HE'S NOT A DOCTOR...
- MY TUMMY HURTS. - OH.
I'M SORRY, HONEY. LET'S...
LET'S SEE.
MAYBE DR. MONKEY CHUNKS CAN HELP.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO, DOCTOR?
HE SAID IF YOU SNUGGLE WITH YOUR DAD,
YOUR TUMMY WILL BE FINE.
COME HERE.
THERE YOU GO.
WAIT, LET'S GET THE DOCTOR RIGHT.
OKAY.
- DAD, HURRY! - WHAT IS IT?
IT'S POPCORN. I THINK IT'S ON FIRE!
HE'S NOT A FIREMAN...
- NO, NO! HURRY! - HANG ON, TAKE IT EASY.
GET IT OUT, DAD.
THANK YOU.
OKAY, YOU WANT POPCORN?
HE'S NOT A FAMOUS DIRECTOR.
JANIE DOCUMENTARY, TAKE ONE.
AND...ACTION.
OH, FATHER!
I DID NOT SEE YOU THERE.
OH, YOUR HIGHNESS, WHAT LAND ARE YOU FROM?
MONK-CHUNKIA.
MONK-CHUNKIA?
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT. WHAT'S IT LIKE?
HE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS, HE'S ALL OF THOSE THINGS
AND MORE.
WELL, IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOUR FRIEND BEA
DOESN'T WANNA BE ON CAMERA.
BUT SHE'S SO FUNNY,
AND IT COULD BE SO GOOD FOR HER...
AND MY SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I THINK YOU DO.
HE WANTED THIS VIDEO TO BE MORE LIKE HIS TV SHOW.
LUCKY FOR ME AND MY SISTERS,
HE'S PLAYING THE ROLE OUR DAD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, DAD?
WELL, I...
I THINK THAT VIDEO WAS BETTER THAN MY VIDEO.
- REALLY? - YEAH, REALLY.
YOU GUYS READY TO GO? I'LL WAIT FOR YOU IN THE CAR.
YEP. YEP.
WE DON'T WANNA BE LATE.
WELL, I GUESS I'M PRETTY GOOD AT MY JOB.
YOU TURNED OUT OKAY.
I GUESS I'M A GOOD DAD.
HEY, WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?
OH!
HOLD ON. I...
I WAS JUST TIMING THE TRAFFIC.
AND NOW, WE GO.