HERE YOU GO!
STOP IT!
STOP THIS MAYHEM!
MR. HOBBS!
WOULD YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS?
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
NOTHING SAYS "FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL"
LIKE A SMILEY FACE PANCAKE.
DAD, I'M STARTING SEVENTH GRADE.
I MAY BE A LITTLE OLD FOR SMILEY PANCAKES.
SON, YOU KNOW THAT EUPHORIC FEELING
YOU GET ON YOUR LAST DAY OF SCHOOL?
YEAH.
WELL, AS A PARENT, YOU GET THAT FEELING
ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.
THIS IS FOR ME.
GOOD MORNING.
JOE, I TEXTED YOU A LIST OF DOS AND DON'TS
FOR YOUR FIRST DAY AT THE SAME SCHOOL AS ME.
OH, THANKS.
"DON'T TELL ANYONE YOU'RE MY BROTHER.
DO TELL PEOPLE I'M NOT YOUR SISTER."
EMILY, HELP YOUR BROTHER OUT.
FINE. EXPECT AN EMAIL FROM AN "IDA NOYA."
OOH, I'M OPEN TO MEETING NEW PEOPLE.
MM, SHE SOUNDS EXOTIC.
HELLO!
IT'LL BE FROM ME.
"I-DUN KNOW-YA."
SURE, YOU DO, I'M YOUR BROTHER.
JUST READ IT, JOE!
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?
I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT FOR THE FIRST TIME,
AS A KINDERGARTNER...
JANIE HOBBS!
GOOD MORNING, FELLOW SCHOOL GOERS.
HOW ABOUT A FIRST-DAY-OF-SCHOOL PANCAKE?
THANKS, DADDY, BUT I CAN GET MY OWN BREAKFAST.
I'M A BIG GIRL NOW.
GOSH, I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR LITTLE GIRL'S GOING
OFF TO SCHOOL.
ME NEITHER.
IT'S ALL HAPPENING SO QUICKLY, I JUST--
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO EITHER, HONEY.
YOU'RE PLAYING GOLF WITH MARCUS.
I'M PLAYING SO MUCH GOLF. JUST HOLD ME, PLEASE.
I-I GOT 36 HOLES TODAY.
HERE WE ARE.
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
WANT ME TO SHOW YOU AROUND A LITTLE BIT?
IT'S OKAY, MR. HOBBS.
I GOT THIS.
OH. HELLO, CHARLOTTE.
CHARLOTTE'S GONNA SHOW ME THE ROPES, DADDY.
OH, NO, SWEETHEART.
I DON'T WANT YOU NEAR THE ROPES.
THEY'RE VERY DANGEROUS.
UM, IT MEANS I'M GONNA SHOW HER AROUND.
I KNEW THAT.
JUST MAKING A JOKE.
DADDY, YOU'RE SO FUNNY.
I DON'T SEE IT.
WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN KINDERGARTEN AGAIN
THIS YEAR, ANYWAY?
THEY TOLD MY PARENTS I NEEDED TO WORK
ON MY "SOCIALIZATION SKILLS."
NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.
COME ON, CHARLOTTE, SHOW ME THE ROPES.
OH, CHAR, HONEY, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE ROPES?
THEY'RE DANGEROUS.
KNEW THEY WERE REAL.
MADE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF.
ALL RIGHT, ORANGE BLOSSOMS,
THE FIRST BELL MEANS "HEAD IN THE DOOR
AND FIND YOUR SEAT ON THE FLOOR."
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
COME ON, LET'S SIT TOGETHER.
OH, NO-NO, NO-NO, JANIE.
YOUR SEAT IS OVER THERE BETWEEN JACK AND JORDAN.
I WANNA SIT NEXT TO MY BEST FRIEND.
WELL, NOT ONLY ARE WE HERE TO LEARN, JANIE,
WE'RE ALSO HERE TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I WANNA SIT HERE, DADDY.
I'M AFRAID THE STUDENTS ARE ASSIGNED SEATS ALPHABETICALLY.
J.
C.
OH, YEAH, WELL,
LET'S SEE IF I CAN FIX THIS, OKAY?
WHY DON'T WE, UM, WORK A LITTLE MAGIC
WITH THIS MARKER HERE, AND...
WATCH THIS.
WOW.
SEE, NOW, UM, "CANIE" CAN SIT WITH "CUH-HAR-LOTTE."
OH, "CUH-LEVER."
BUT NO.
OKAY, PARENTS.
THE SECOND BELL MEANS "TIME TO SAY YOUR LAST GOOD-BYES
AND HEAD BACK OUTSIDE."
- DADDY! - YEAH?
DON'T GO.
YEAH, BUT DADDY HAS TO GO, SWEETHEART.
BUT IF I CAN'T SIT NEXT TO "CUH-HAR-LOTTE,"
I WANNA GO WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE--MAYBE I CAN STAY FOR A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?
AND I'M SURE MRS. ROTHSCHILD IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.
BE REASONABLE, WOMAN!
MY DAUGHTER NEEDS ME, LOOK AT HER.
THE ONLY PARENT ALLOWED IN THERE WITH THE TEACHER
IS THE ROOM MOM.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE ROOM MOM?
UH, IT'S A LONG AND INVOLVED PROCESS.
YEAH, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BE NOMINATED
THEN SECONDED, THEN VETTED,
LOT OF PAPERWORK, BACKGROUND CHECKS,
AND FINALLY WE VOTE.
- I'LL DO IT. - GOOD ENOUGH.
ALL IN FAVOR OF THIS GUY?
OKAY, GREAT.
WE'RE TOO SMALL.
AT OUR LAST SCHOOL, WE WERE THE TALLEST KIDS.
NO, WE WEREN'T!
TALLEST IN THE SHORT GROUP.
HOW WILL WE SURVIVE?
OH, I JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM MY SISTER.
THIS SHOULD HELP.
OR MAKE IT MUCH WORSE.
EITHER WAY, WE STILL GET TO LOOK AT YOUR SISTER.
OKAY, HERE ARE THE BASIC RULES FOR NEW-SCHOOL SURVIVAL.
YOU GOT YOUR JOCKS, GEEKS,
ARTISTS, RAPPERS,
FINGER-GUNNERS,
FLIRTS, WANNABES,
MAYBES, WORKER BEES, BANDIES,
DRAMATISTS, DAPPERS,
HIGH-FIVERS, AND EURO-STYLERS.
IF YOU ENCOUNTER ANY ONE OF THESE,
ALWAYS ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION.
YOU BLEND AND YOU BEND.
AND YOU NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT.
LOVE YA!
I WAS NEVER HERE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
all: YEAH.
EYE CONTACT, I MADE EYE CONTACT!
MAN, I CANNOT BELIEVE HE STOOD ME UP!
YEAH, WELL, IMAGINE HOW I FEEL.
SO YOU THINK HOW YOU FEEL IS WORSE THAN HOW I FEEL?
UH, YEAH.
I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THE DEPTH OF MY DISAPPOINTMENT
IS GREATER THAN YOURS.
LOOK, I WAS GONNA PLAY 36 HOLES OF GOLF WITH THE MAN!
AND WE WERE GONNA MAKE FONDUE TOGETHER.
FONDUE? YOU'RE JUST MAKIN' THAT UP.
- YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. - NOT FONDUE.
WHAT--HEY.
GUYS, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
BUT GUESS WHAT?
YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW ROOM MOM!
HE GOT THE TEACHER TO LET ME SIT WITH CHARLOTTE!
YEAH, THE OLD HOBBS CHARM GOES A LONG WAY.
NOT AS FAR AS YOU THINK.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
CONTACT LISTS, SCHOOL RULES,
FOOD ALLERGY SPREADSHEET, EVERYTHING YOU'LL NEED.
NEED FOR WHAT?
YOU'RE THE NEW ROOM PARENT, RIGHT?
YEAH.
I HAD THE JOB LAST YEAR.
THEY HAD A ROOM GRANDMOTHER?
I'M 32.
THIS IS WHAT THE JOB DID TO ME.
GOOD LUCK!
I'M BEING HUNTED.
I'M SURE YOU'RE NOT BEING HUNTED.
I MADE EYE CONTACT, EMILY.
EYE CONTACT!
JOE, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.
YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS.
ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GET BACK TO CLASS.
EYES DOWN.
SHE'S RIGHT.
PROBABLY JUST IMAGINING THINGS.
YOU AND ME NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE FACE TIME OF OUR OWN.
HEY, LOOK, THE JANITOR!
YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!
ACTUALLY, YOU CAN HIDE BUT YOU CAN'T RUN
'CAUSE THERE IS NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAYS!
YES, MRS. KOGEN,
I'M AWARE THAT YOUR SON CHARLIE HAS A PEANUT ALLERGY.
YES, I'M-- I'M WRITING IT DOWN NOW.
"PEANUT ALLERGY," RIGHT, I GOT IT.
I'M GONNA SEND A GROUP EMAIL SO EVERYBODY'S HAPPY
AND EVERYBODY...IS HAPPY, OKAY?
HERE WE GO.
YOU'VE GOT SENT MAIL.
ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU--YOU-- ALL RIGHT,
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, GOOD-BYE.
PLEASE, EVERYBODY, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
SO?
HOW WAS THE BIG DAY?
IT WAS GOOD, IT WAS VERY GOOD.
OH, NO, DAVID.
YOU DID NOT ASK TO BE ROOM MOM, DID YOU?
NO, HONEY, I WAS ELECTED.
OH, SWEETIE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR.
HAD KEVIN DO SOME RESEARCH ON WHAT IT TAKES
TO BE AN EFFECTIVE ROOM MOM.
AND WE CAME UP WITH THREE VERY IMPORTANT THINGS.
TIME, SENSITIVITY, AND TACT.
AND HOW MANY OF THOSE INGREDIENTS DO YOU HAVE?
TWO?
ZERO, HONEY.
THE ANSWER IS ZERO.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T PANIC,
BUT YOU'RE RUNNING A BAKE SALE MEETING
TOMORROW MORNING.
NO! NO, NO-NO, NO!
I CAN'T DO THAT!
I HAVE GOLFING WITH MARCUS TOMORROW!
WE'RE PLAYING 36 HOLES!
I CAN'T DO A BAKE SALE!
CALM DOWN, AMY.
TAKE IT EASY.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
I KNOW HOW I'M GONNA HANDLE THIS.
GONNA HANDLE IT JUST LIKE I HANDLED MY SHOW.
I'M GONNA TELL EVERYBODY EXACTLY WHAT TO DO,
THEN EXIT STAGE LEFT TO A STANDING OVATION.
WATCH.
DADDY, CAN CHARLOTTE STAY FOR DINNER?
NO.
GOOD, I DIDN'T WANT TO.
FINE, THEN YOU'RE STAYING.
GUYS, I PROMISE YOU, THIS WILL TAKE FIVE MINUTES.
YES, WE CAN PLAY SOME GOLF.
FOLLOWED BY FONDUE AFTER, RIGHT?
YES, AND...WHAT?
THOUGHT YOU WAS MAKING THAT UP.
- NO, I WASN'T, I TOLD HIM. - FINE.
HE WAS ASLEEP WHEN I TOLD HIM...
- FINE. - BUT HE KNOWS.
- FINE. - HE KNOWS SUBLIMINALLY.
OKAY, WHO'S READY FOR AN AWESOME BAKE SALE MEETING?
RIGHT?
NOW PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE--
YOU KNOW HIM AS AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD--
BUT NOW HE'S YOUR BRAND-NEW KINDERGARTEN ROOM MOM,
MR. DAVID HOBBS!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, KEVIN.
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'LL MAKE THIS SHORTCAKE AND SWEET.
THANK YOU, OKAY.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I HAVE SOME ASSIGNMENT SHEETS
FOR EVERYBODY.
JUST PASS THOSE AROUND IF YOU WOULD.
AND YOU'LL SEE ON THESE SHEETS
THAT YOU ALL NOW HAVE A BAKING BUDDY.
all: OH.
MEETING ADJOURNED.
AND I'M TAKING THESE SWEET BUNS OUT THE DOOR.
UH--UH, HOLD ON.
I CAN'T WORK WITH GWEN.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU CAN'T WORK WITH ANYBODY.
HEIDI.
HEY, I'VE HAD YOUR LEMON SCONES, LADY.
AND, TRUST ME, THEY'RE MORE LIKE STONES.
SPEAKING OF STONES,
I BROKE A TOOTH EATING ONE OF YOUR BROWNIES. YEAH.
OH, GREAT, FINE.
I WON'T MAKE BROWNIES.
I WON'T MAKE ANYTHING.
- PROMISE? - PIPE DOWN, PHIL.
YOU'RE SO SMUG JUST BECAUSE YOU DRIVE A HYBRID.
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY! HEY!
JUST TAKE IT EASY, CALM DOWN.
INSIDE VOICES.
WHAT ARE WE, SIX?
"WHAT ARE WE, SIX?"
SHE'S MAKING FUN OF ME!
YOU'RE YUCKY!
YOUR FAMILY HAS LICE.
THAT'S YUCKY TIMES INFINITY.
OH, IT WAS DANDRUFF! MY HOUSE HAS HARD WATER!
OH, OH, OH--
HEY, THERE'S A BOWL OF PEANUTS ON THE TABLE!
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, ROOM MOM.
WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM, MARCUS.
HE'S ALREADY GONE, KEVIN, LET HIM GO.
MR. HOBBS.
WORD'S OUT YOUR MEETING DIDN'T GO SO VERY WELL.
YOU KNOW, VICE-PRINCIPAL BLACKBURN,
I THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT THE BAKING BUDDY IDEA
WAS A WINNER.
WELL, YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, MR. HOBBS.
GO ON.
BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT DRINK?
WITH THE OTHER KINDERGARTEN PARENTS.
IT'S A METAPHOR?
THEY HATE EACH OTHER?
AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT THIS,
I-I THINK I'M IN OVER MY HEAD,
SO I'M GONNA--
I'M GONNA TURN IN MY ORANGE BLOSSOM LANYARD.
HO-HO, GOOD ONE.
YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST QUIT BEING A ROOM PARENT?
YOU DON'T QUIT, HOBBS!
WE HAVE A BAKE SALE TO PUT ON!
DIAL IT BACK, MIRIAM.
- 'COURSE THERE IS ONE WAY OUT. - YEAH?
YOU COULD FIND YOUR OWN REPLACEMENT.
MY REPLACEMENT? ARE YOU KIDDING?
THESE PEOPLE WON'T EVEN BAKE CUPCAKES!
WELL, THEN I GUESS YOU BETTER PUT YOUR LANYARD BACK ON.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, ROOM MOM.
JUST PLAY IT COOL, ELLIOT.
HE'S COMING THIS WAY.
REMEMBER, EMILY SAID ANSWER QUESTIONS WITH QUESTIONS.
HEY...NEWBIES.
WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?
UH, WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?
OKAY.
YOU WIN THIS ROUND.
BUT THIS ISN'T OVER.
IT WORKED!
LET'S TELL JOE.
I HEARD.
WORD ON THE PLAYGROUND IS YOUR PIES ARE $25.
LITTLE PRICEY, AREN'T THEY?
IT MIGHT SEEM THAT WAY, CHARLOTTE, BUT...
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY SIGN YET.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW?
I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T READ.
IT SAYS, "BUY A PIE, THROW A PIE."
OH, THIS HAS DISASTER WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY
ANYONE'S GONNA SPEND 25 BUCKS--
BEST $25 I EVER SPENT.
WHOO! HA-HA!
OH, IT'S ON!
YEAH.
OKAY.
STOP IT!
STOP THIS MAYHEM!
MR. HOBBS!
WOULD YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS?
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
MR. HOBBS.
YOU ARE THE WORST ROOM PARENT...
EVER!
GUILTY.
HELLO, JANITOR MOSEY.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE JANITOR?
THANKS TO BUDGET CUTS,
THE JANITOR DOESN'T WORK ON THURSDAYS,
SO I BORROWED HIS BROOM.
SO EMILY HOBBS IS YOUR SISTER, HUH?
MY SISTER? HA, GOOD ONE.
NO WAY I'M RELATED TO HER.
LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE.
I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS MY SISTER.
IT'S OKAY, JOE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL PICKING ON A NEW KID?
SCARING HIM INTO SNEAKING AROUND THE HALLS
AND HIDING IN HIS LOCKER?
WHAT, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT THAT.
YOU GOT THIS ALL WRONG.
I-I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HIM.
YOU JUST WANTED TO TALK?
YOU'RE PATHETIC!
THINK YOU'RE SO TOUGH,
PICKING ON AN INNOCENT, WEAK, DEFENSELESS--
NOT TO MENTION CLUELESS--
EMILY, HE GETS IT.
WELL, NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL
WITH JOE HOBBS' BIG SISTER.
AND WHEN I'M DONE TEARING YOU APART, GREGGY-BOY,
YOU'RE GONNA WANNA HIDE YOURSELF IN A LOCKER!
SO IF YOU WANNA TALK...
TALK TO ME INSTEAD!
OR DO YOU NOT HAVE THE BISCUITS?
OKAY.
UM, I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT YOU.
I'VE HAD A CRUSH ON YOU FOR TWO YEARS NOW.
WHEN I HEARD YOU HAD A BROTHER IN THE SCHOOL,
I FIGURED HE'D BE MY WAY IN.
REALLY?
YOU'VE HAD A CRUSH ON ME?
NO, NOT ANYMORE.
YOU ARE SERIOUSLY SCARY.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
SOMEBODY BARFED IN THE CAFETERIA.
I HAD TO BORROW THIS UNIFORM ON FISH TACO DAY!
WOW.
THAT TOOK AN UNEXPECTED TURN.
THANKS FOR HAVING MY BACK, EMILY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
BUT, REMEMBER, IT'S IDA.
SORRY, STRANGE PERSON I HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE.
I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY TO GET A COUPLE OF THINGS
TO TAKE BACK TO THE SET, BUT-- WOW!
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, UH, FOR STARTERS, I GOT FIRED.
SEEMS YOUR HUSBAND HAS REALLY DONE IT.
WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S NOT, UH, REALLY CUT OUT
FOR THIS SORT OF THING.
NO, I MEAN HE'S REALLY DONE IT!
BROKEN THE RECORD FOR THE MOST MONEY RAISED
BY A KICK-OFF BAKE SALE.
SERIOUSLY?
YOUR PLAN WAS INGENIOUS!
SERIOUSLY?
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOT FIRED AFTER ALL.
SERIOUSLY?
BUT IT IS-- IT IS QUITE APPARENT
THAT YOU DON'T REALLY WANT THIS POSITION.
SO IN APPRECIATION OF YOUR, UH, SUCCESS,
I'M PREPARED TO RELEASE YOU.
OH!
OH, YES! BLESS YOU.
THANK YOU!
OH, NO, THANK YOU.
COME ON, MIRIAM, LET'S GO COUNT OUR CASH AGAIN.
DADDY, THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
EVEN CHARLOTTE SAID
YOU'RE THE BEST ROOM PARENT SHE'S EVER SEEN.
SHE DID?
DON'T GET CRAZY, I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO.
I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU'RE A ROOM PARENT.
NOW I HAVE MY TWO BEST FRIENDS IN CLASS WITH ME.
OH.
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
WELL, I GUESS I CAN GIVE UP MY FREEDOM
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL.
MM.
SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE PLANNED FOR THE CARNIVAL NEXT MONTH?
WHAT?
CARNIVAL?
SERIOUSLY?