ALL RIGHT, TROOPS.
I WANT YOU TO EAT UP THESE FLAPJACKS
AND SPIT SHINE THOSE PLATES.
- EW. - GROSS.
DAD, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRY AND BE A TOUGH GUY
'CAUSE GRANDPA'S COMING, RIGHT?
YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I AM.
ANYBODY GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? - YEAH.
- I DO. - IT'S WEIRD.
I NEVER GET TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
WELL, I'M ON MY WAY TO PICK UP MY FATHER
FROM THE AIRPORT.
HMM.
MM.
OH, WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'D BE HARD-CORE MARINE COFFEE, SOLDIER!
I JUST GREW HAIR ON MY CHEST.
REALLY? GIVE ME SOME OF THAT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR VANILLA-HAZELNUT LATTE
WITH A DOLLOP OF CREME FRAICHE, HUH?
I AM NOT GONNA DRINK THAT IN FRONT OF HIM.
REMEMBER WHAT HE CALLED ME LAST TIME--
A SPINELESS BAG OF PUPPY KISSES?
OKAY, IN HIS DEFENSE, YOU WERE SIPPING IT
THROUGH A CINNAMON STICK, WEARING A SHOWER CAP,
IN A BUBBLE BATH.
I HOPE GRANDPA CAN STILL DO THAT TRICK
WHERE HE WALKS ON HIS HANDS.
I CAN WALK ON MY HANDS.
I'M JUST NOT GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW 'CAUSE I HAD A MANICURE.
EMPHASIS ON "MAN."
YES!
all: GRANDPA!
HO! 12 MILES IN RECORD TIME.
HOORAH!
HEY, DAD.
I WAS--I WAS ON MY WAY TO PICK YOU UP.
YEAH, WELL, THE FLIGHT GOT IN EARLY,
SO I HOOFED IT FROM THE AIRPORT
TILL MY HANDS GOT JEALOUS, AND FOR THE LAST MILE,
I DID THIS.
[grunts] TROOPS, ATTEN-HUT!
YOU'RE MY GRANDKIDS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SALUTE ME.
OH, A HANDSHAKE WILL DO JUST FINE.
WELCOME, MAJOR. COFFEE?
MM.
WHERE'D YOU GET IT FROM-- COFFEE BEAN AND LADY TEARS?
ARE YOU HUNGRY, DADDY?
DAVID MADE SOME MINI QUICHE LORRAINES YESTERDAY.
YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME, HONEY.
SO, KIDS, GRAB MY BAG.
[grunts]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. AT EASE, SOLDIERS.
WAY TO GO, MR. HOLLYWOOD.
LOOKS LIKE YOUR KIDS ARE AS SOFT AS YOU ARE
AND YOUR COCOA-BUTTER HANDSHAKE.
KIDS, SHOW ME MY BARRACKS.
WELL, I BETTER GET READY TO LEAVE, HONEY.
GOT A HUGE TAP-DANCING SCENE AS LITTLE SALLY DESARIO.
LUCKY.
I USED TO HAVE WORK AS AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF FAMILY TIME.
NOW I'M GONNA BE STUCK WITH HIM FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS.
OH, DAVID, AT LEAST TRY.
MAYBE SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
OH, YEAH.
THE LAST 20 YEARS DIDN'T MAKE A DENT.
BUT THE NEXT TWO DAYS, THAT'LL BREAK THE ICE, HONEY.
I'M SO SORRY, DAVID. I MESSED UP SO BAD.
YOU GOT CALLED IN TO JURY DUTY,
SO I WENT DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE
TO PERSONALLY GET YOU OUT OF IT,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T MAKE AN EXCEPTION THIS TIME,
NOT EVEN FOR YOU.
ARE YOU SAYING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE SAYING?
YEAH, DAVID, YOU HAVE JURY DUTY TODAY.
TODAY? YES!
OH, THAT IS FANTASTIC NEWS!
OH, WOW! THIS IS SO BAD.
OH, HONEY, I'M S-- I CAN'T SPEND QUALITY TIME
WITH YOUR DAD NOW.
[growls]
DADDY, ARE YOU SNEAKING A MINI QUICHE?
NO.
YES.
DON'T TELL GRANDPA.
DON'T TELL GRANDPA WHAT?
OH, UH, WELL, MAJOR, UNFORTUNATELY,
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SPEND ANY QUALITY TIME WITH YOU
BECAUSE... OH, I HAVE JURY DUTY.
[growls]
JURY DUTY?
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, THAT'S WHERE I GET TO TELL WHETHER OR NOT
SOMEBODY HAS DONE SOMETHING WRONG
AND PUNISH THEM.
LIKE WHEN THE TEACHER GIVES YOU TIME-OUT?
YEAH, BUT THESE ARE, LIKE, TIME-OUTS FOR FIVE TO TEN YEARS.
- WOW. TOUGH SCHOOL. - YEAH.
WOW, DAVID. I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T PULL THE CELEBRITY CARD
AND FINAGLE YOUR WAY OUT OF IT.
DAD, SINCE THE KIDS ARE ON SCHOOL VACATION,
I TOLD 'EM YOU'RE IN CHARGE,
SO MAYBE THIS AFTERNOON YOU CAN ALL WATCH
MY SOAP OPERA TOGETHER?
I DOUBT IF WE'LL HAVE TIME.
I GOT TO TOUGHEN THESE KIDS UP.
PICKING UP SOME OF DAVID'S SLACK.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR, I PICK UP DAVID'S SLACKS.
[chuckles] - STOP TALKING, PLEASE.
- IT'S MY JOB. I DO. - I HAVE TO GO SERVE MY COUNTRY.
OKAY, DAD, THERE'S FOOD IN THE FRIDGE.
YOU KNOW MY CELL.
AND IF YOU GUYS DECIDE TO WATCH THE SHOW,
IT'S ACTUALLY ON CHANNEL-- - GOT IT.
EMILY, JOE, JANIE,
I'VE BEEN PUT IN CHARGE OF THIS OUTPOST,
SO WE GOT A BUSY DAY OF BOOT CAMP.
WE'RE GONNA START WITH CALISTHENICS,
SELF-DEFENSE, THEN LUNCH,
AND THEN WE'LL REALLY START WORKING.
WHAT IF WE HAVE TO PEE?
NOT ON MY WATCH.
WHY WOULD I PEE ON YOUR WATCH?
GRANDPA, SIR,
AS MUCH AS I LOVE A HIGHLY STRUCTURED DAY,
I'VE GOT A TON OF HOMEWORK TO DO.
WELL, EMILY, I APPLAUD YOUR DEDICATION TO ACADEMIA.
THAT'S AN HONORABLE DISCHARGE FOR YOU.
YOUR LOSS, EMILY.
THIS IS GONNA GIVE ME THE SIX-PACK
THE LADIES HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.
YEAH!
NO ONE'S WAITING, JOE.
WELL, THOSE LAWYERS DIDN'T TAKE MUCH TIME
MAKING THEIR CASE.
WELL, THERE WAS A LOT OF OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE
AGAINST THE DEFENDANT.
WE'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME,
AND WE CAN ALL GO HOME AND SEE OUR FAMILIES.
WHOA, WHOA.
SLOW YOUR ROLL THERE, NUMBER TWO.
WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?
WE'RE HERE TO SERVE JUSTICE, MY FRIEND,
AND THAT TAKES TIME.
IT MIGHT TAKE A WHOLE DAY...
POSSIBLY THREE.
THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERA SHOWED THE DEFENDANT
WALKING OUT OF THE STORE WITH THE FLAT SCREEN
UNDER HIS JACKET.
YOUR POINT?
AND HE POSTED A PICTURE OF HIMSELF
WITH A CAPTION SAYING, "CHECK OUT THE 3-D TV I STOLE."
W-W-WHAT IF HE WAS SOMEONE WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE HIM?
BEING A BIG TV STAR, I-I'VE HAD MANY STUNT DOUBLES.
WHY WOULD THE GUY HAVE A STUNT DOUBLE?
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE TO FIND OUT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON THE SAME JURY AS DAVID HOBBS.
MY NAME IS-- - NO, NO, NO.
DON'T TELL ME. I WON'T REMEMBER.
LOOK, WE JUST ALL NEED TO ELECT A FOREMAN
AND GET THE JOB DONE.
I NOMINATE JUROR NUMBER THREE.
- WHO'S WITH HER? - [sputters]
OKAY.
NOW, AS YOUR NEWLY ELECTED FOREMAN,
I THINK IT'S TIME THAT WE DIG INTO THE FACTS OF THIS CASE.
AND THE FACT IS--
LOOK AT THAT--LUNCHTIME. PIZZA, ANYBODY?
- OOH! - OKAY.
WE DON'T NEED PIZZA. W-WE NEED A VERDICT.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!
DAVID HOBBS AND I ARE HUNGRY.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, NUMBER TWO?
IS THERE SOMEWHERE YOU NEED TO BE?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TONIGHT.
REALLY? OH, I LIKE BIRTHDAYS.
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR
OF A COURTROOM-THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY SAY, "AYE."
all: AYE!
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, OVER THE HURDLES, OVER THE HURDLES, COME ON.
YOU'VE ONLY BEEN DOING THIS FOR AN HOUR.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE THAT TIRED.
COME ON, COME ON. GET LOW, GET LOW.
YOU CALL THAT LOW?
SLITHER LIKE A WORM, YOU GRUNT!
COME ON, COME ON. FASTER, FASTER, FASTER.
FASTER.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
- OOH! - OH.
THAT'S JUST SAD.
UH, WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S AN OBSTACLE COURSE
TO STRENGTHEN AGILITY AND BALANCE.
FUN.
GOING TO TAYLOR'S.
IT'S OKAY, EMILY.
I KNOW YOU'RE A LITTLE DELICATE FOR THIS.
DAUGHTERS DON'T FALL FAR FROM THE BAG OF PUPPY KISSES.
PLEASE, GRANDPA.
IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO STUDY,
THIS PUPPY WOULD SAIL THROUGH YOUR LITTLE JUNGLE GYM,
WAG MY TAIL, THEN BURY YOUR FAVORITE SHOE
IN THE BACKYARD, SO TALK TO THE PAW.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT, SPONGE BUTT FLABBY PANTS.
[normal voice] OH, IT IS ON.
[clicks switch]
OKAY, NOW IT'S ON.
[all cheering]
OH! OKAY!
HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
[pounds table] OH.
THIS COURT WILL COME TO ORDER
AND WISH JUROR NUMBER TWO A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
[overlapping chatter]
[all cheering]
IT'S PIÑATA TIME!
[all cheering]
OKAY, LET HER RIP.
GO!
[all cheering, laughing]
I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN! [screams]
I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT KICKED OFF THE JURY.
I'M GONNA BE STUCK LISTENING TO THE MAJOR
TELL ME HOW THE PRIMA DONNA
CAN'T HANDLE BEING A REGULAR CITIZEN.
DAVID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO IN THERE.
THERE'S ANOTHER WAY.
LIKE WHAT?
I HAVE HIS AND HIS RUNNING-AWAY KITS.
I GOT CURRENCY, TICKETS, FAKE SWISS I.D.s.
IN 12 HOURS, WE COULD BE SKIING IN ZURICH.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
NO, NO, I CAN'T LIE TO HIM.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT ONE MORE DAY
OF HIM TAKING POTSHOTS AT ME.
JUST THINK ABOUT IT, DAVID,
OR SHOULD I SAY "DIETER VON HOBBSENBURG"?
OH!
I'LL BE THERE SOON, TAYLOR.
I'M JUST A LITTLE TIED UP RIGHT NOW.
WHAT IS ALL THIS?
OH, DAD! PLEASE SAVE ME.
OH!
OH, DAD.
I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS.
"NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS"?
I DIDN'T THINK YOUR FATHER WAS CUT OUT FOR JURY DUTY,
BUT HE SHOWED UP AND DID HIS PART.
AND I'M PROUD OF YOU.
"PROUD"?
OF ME?
YOU KNOW... [stammers]
I WAS ELECTED JURY FOREMAN.
JOE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
EMILY?
YOUR FATHER'S IN COMMAND.
I-I MISJUDGED YOU, SON.
"SON"?
LITTLE HELP OVER HERE, GRANDPA.
I'M COMING.
WELL, IT'S--IT'S TOO BAD YOU'RE LEAVING, MAJOR,
BECAUSE TOMORROW I GIVE MY BIG FOREMAN SPEECH
WHERE I DELIVER THE VERDICT.
OH, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
[whispers] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HE CALLED ME "SON."
YEAH, WELL, I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, I KNOW WHAT A STICKLER YOU ARE
FOR STICKING TO A SCHEDULE.
YOU KNOW, FOR THIS, I'LL CHANGE MY SCHEDULE.
WHO WANTS TO GO SEE DAD
IN ACTION AT THE COURTHOUSE TOMORROW?
OH, ME. PLEASE, ME.
ARE--ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
WELL, ABSOLUTELY.
AND...
UH, CALL ME "DAD."
OH. OKAY, DAD.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, DAVID?
HE'S BRINGING THE KIDS DOWN TO SEE YOU,
AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON THE JURY.
LOOK, HE CALLED ME "SON."
IMAGINE IF I CALLED YOU "SON."
OH.
EXACTLY. ONLY I DIDN'T DROOL.
YOU DID A LITTLE.
I GOT IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA ACT SICK. LOOK...
[coughs]
I LOOK SICK? - EW. OH, YEAH.
I MEAN, YOUR PERFORMANCE IS FLAWLESS,
BUT YOU LOOK RADIANT AS ALWAYS.
[clears throat]
CURSE MY INNER GLOW.
WAIT. I HAVE AN IDEA.
REMEMBER EPISODE 134 WHEN WE SHOT
ON LOCATION IN PARIS--
SEE DAD GET HIS HUNCHBACK?
RINGS A BELL.
EASY PEASY.
OH! - OH, GRANDPA!
OW!
OH!
NOT SO EASY WHEN YOU'RE FACING ENEMY FIRE, HUH?
GRANDPA, I'M IN SEVENTH GRADE.
THE ONLY ENEMY FIRE I GET IS ON MY THIGHS
WHEN I SLIDE DOWN THE ROPE IN GYM CLASS.
HE'S RIGHT, GRANDPA.
WE ARE NEVER GONNA NEED ANY OF THIS.
NOT TRUE.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED THIS WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A REGULAR GRANDPA
INSTEAD OF TREATING US LIKE SOLDIERS?
THAT'S IT?
YOU'RE SURRENDERING?
SOFT, JUST LIKE THEIR DADDY.
I'M HOME.
DAD, IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN,
EXCEPT WITHOUT THE BARBED WIRE.
NEXT VISIT.
SO DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO WATCH MY SHOW?
I WAS A LITTLE BUSY HERE
TRYING TO TURN YOUR POWDER PUFFS INTO SOLDIERS.
OH, OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.
BUT IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOUR DAUGHTER'S ON TV.
ACTUALLY, IT IS EVERY DAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO MISS IT TOMORROW.
OH, HEY, HONEY.
LISTEN, MY HUNCHBACK IS REALLY FLARING UP TODAY.
I DON'T THINK I CAN MAKE IT BACK TO JURY DUTY.
DAVID, WHY ARE YOU DOING
YOUR SEE DAD GET HIS HUNCHBACK BIT?
CAN I SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN, PLEASE?
YOUR FATHER CAN'T COME TO THE COURTHOUSE.
I GOT KICKED OFF THE JURY.
NOW HE'S PROUD OF ME. HE CALLED ME "SON."
I CALLED HIM "DAD." IT'S A WHOLE THING.
WOW. HE'S GONNA GO ALL THE WAY
TO A COURTROOM TO SEE YOU,
BUT HE CAN'T EVEN POINT THE REMOTE
TO THE TV TO WATCH MY SHOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET HE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN IT.
THAT'S IT. I'LL PUT ON A SHOW.
- WHAT? - I'LL FAKE THE WHOLE THING--
THE JURY, THE COURTROOM, THE JUDGE, EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
YEAH, I WAS AT FIRST, BUT WHAT I WAS SAYING
WAS WAY MORE INTERESTING, HONEY.
OKAY, PEOPLE, LET'S GO OVER MY SCRIPT ONE MORE TIME.
NOW, WHEN THE JUDGE SAYS, "GUILTY AS CHARGED,"
YOU STAND UP AND SAY, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE,"
AND ATTACK THE BAILIFF.
THEN DAVID WILL HEROICALLY LEAP OUT OF THE JURY BOX
AND TAKE YOU DOWN.
NOW, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, PEOPLE,
STAY IN CHARACTER.
AH. AH.
OKAY. OH!
COPY THAT. OKAY, GUYS.
IT'S SHOWTIME!
IN THREE, TWO, AND... - HEY.
AH, THE AMERICAN JUSTICE SYSTEM--
THIS IS WHY I SACRIFICED MY BIG TOE OVERSEAS.
YOU KNOW, DAD, I ONCE WON AN AWARD
PLAYING A LAWYER ON A SOAP.
AND I WON THE MEDAL OF HONOR
FOR THROWING MYSELF ON A LIVE GRENADE.
[imitates explosion]
ALL RISE, FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE BOB SKYWALKER.
YOU MAY BE SEATED.
JURORS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE,
ESPECIALLY TO OUR FOREMAN, DAVID HOBBS,
WHO TOOK TIME AWAY FROM HIS LIFE
TO SERVE THE COURT.
JURY, HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT?
YES, WE HAVE, YOUR HONOR.
OH, PLEASE, MR. HOBBS,
THE HONOR IS ALL MINE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE AN OPENING COMMENT
OR OBSERVATION, MR. FOREMAN?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
I BELIEVE THAT IT'S UP
TO EACH AND EVERYONE ONE OF US
TO UPHOLD THE LAWS OF THIS GREAT NATION.
AND ON THAT NOTE, I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT
AND GIVE A SPECIAL THANKS
TO THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE UNITED STATES MILITARY...
WHO SACRIFICE SO MUCH FOR US,
ESPECIALLY BIG TOES.
AND ON THAT NOTE,
I'D ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE JURY,
WHO, WITH MY STEADY AND FAIR LEADERSHIP,
FIND THE DEFENDANT, BART VADER,
GUILTY OF BURGLARY!
[all gasp]
THIS MAN HAS BURGLED, AND AS A "BURGLARIST,"
HE SHOULD DO HIS TIME!
THANK YOU. - GUILTY AS CHARGED!
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA TAKE ME ALIVE!
I GOT THIS! OOH!
LET'S GET HIM.
[groans]
HEY! COME HERE!
- HEY! - HUH?
[grunts] OOH!
HEY!
UH! OH!
- WE DID IT! - YES!
HOLY SHRAPNEL.
CRUDITE?
DAD, THAT WAS THE MOST AWESOME FAKE THING
YOU HAVE EVER DONE.
THANK YOU, SON. NICE TACKLE.
WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT, GRANDPA.
I GUESS ALL THAT TRAINING REALLY DID PAY OFF.
YEAH, AND YOU DID IT WHEN IT COUNTED...
WELL, WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COUNTED.
both: THANKS, GRANDPA.
YOU KNOW, I PUSHED YOU KIDS HARD,
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL I KNOW.
YOU'RE THE LAST SOLDIERS I'VE GOT.
TROOPS, ATTEN-HUT!
OH, COME ON.
AT EASE.
GRANDPA NEEDS A HUG.
GRANDPA.
UGH.
NEED AIR.
OOH.
[laughing]
- DAVID? - YES?
WE NEED TO TALK.
UH...
ABOUT WHAT?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE'S NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT--
MY SHOW.
[sighs]
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.
I'M COMPLETELY WHAT YOU EXPECTED--
A HOLLYWOOD SOFTIE.
MAJOR, I KNOW YOU DON'T APPROVE OF ME.
DAVID, I'VE ALWAYS APPROVED OF YOU.
NO, I'M PRETTY SURE YOU HAVEN'T.
DAVID, I LET YOU MARRY MY LITTLE GIRL.
NOW, THAT'S THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENT
I COULD'VE GIVEN TO ANYONE.
YEAH. THANK YOU.
BUT...
WELL, I LIKED IT WHEN YOU CALLED ME "SON," DAD.
WELL, WHAT DO WE DO--
HUG NOW AND BREAK OUT SOME QUICHE LORRAINE?
OKAY, I-I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE SERIOUS OR NOT,
SO I'M--I'M GONNA GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND HEAT THEM UP.
IF YOU COME IN, YOU COME IN.
NO--NO JUDGMENTS.
[sighs, chuckles]
IT WAS GREAT HAVING YOU, DAD.
- WEARING OUT THE "DAD" THING. - OKAY.
SORRY. [coughs] DAD.
I'LL SEE YOU SOON, SWEETHEART.
OH, HAVE A SAFE TRIP HOME, DADDY.
- YEAH. - I LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART.
AND DON'T LET ANYONE MISTREAT LITTLE SALLY DESARIO.
SHE'S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THAT "FORT PATINA FALLS."
AND YOU TELL THAT SANTIAGO YOU'RE A MARRIED WOMAN.
HE'S BEEN WATCHING MY SHOW ALL ALONG!
[both laugh]
I'LL MISS YOU, DAD.
PLEASE STOP.