1
00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:11,576
HEY, JANIE.
I'’M COLLECTING TOYS FOR CHARITY.
2
00:00:11,576 --> 00:00:12,968
GOT ANY?
3
00:00:12,968 --> 00:00:14,709
YOU CAN TAKE THIS ONE.
4
00:00:14,709 --> 00:00:18,713
SHE'’S UG-LY.
5
00:00:18,713 --> 00:00:21,586
THIS IS THE SUSAN B. ANTHONY
DOLL I GAVE YOU.
6
00:00:21,586 --> 00:00:24,067
SHE FOUGHT TO GIVE YOU
THE RIGHT TO VOTE.
7
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:27,809
YEAH, AND I VOTE
TO THROW HER OUT.
8
00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:29,072
BEING A GREAT WOMAN
HAS NOTHING TO DO
9
00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:30,290
WITH BEING BEAUTIFUL.
10
00:00:30,290 --> 00:00:33,032
EWW, THAT IS HIDEOUS.
11
00:00:33,032 --> 00:00:35,513
DAD, THIS IS SUSAN B. ANTHONY,
12
00:00:35,513 --> 00:00:37,950
ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMEN
IN HISTORY.
13
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:39,299
REALLY?
THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT
14
00:00:39,299 --> 00:00:41,910
IT WAS STEVEN SEAGAL.
15
00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:43,390
COME ON.
16
00:00:43,390 --> 00:00:45,566
OUT OF MY WAY,
TIME FOR {\an8}HARD DUTY.
17
00:00:45,566 --> 00:00:47,742
LOOK--
I KNOW YOUR MOTHER'’S MEATLOAF
18
00:00:47,742 --> 00:00:49,179
IS TOUGH ON THE PIPES,
19
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:50,963
BUT I DON'’T NEED
A BLOW-BY-BLOW, OKAY?
20
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:55,141
DAD, {\an8}HARD DUTY: THE FINAL PUSH
IS THE NAME OF A VIDEO GAME.
21
00:00:55,141 --> 00:00:56,577
FITZY, CARLOS, AND I
HAVE BEEN TRAINING
22
00:00:56,577 --> 00:00:58,579
FOR THIS ONLINE TOURNAMENT
FOR WEEKS.
23
00:00:58,579 --> 00:01:00,015
ALL RIGHT, JUST DON'’T FORGET
MY ONE RULE
24
00:01:00,015 --> 00:01:02,105
ABOUT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.
25
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:03,758
DON'’T LET IT CUT INTO ACTUAL
TV TIME.
26
00:01:03,758 --> 00:01:06,370
ATTA BOY.
27
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,722
ARE YOU STILL HIDING FROM
YOUR BOSS, SWEETIE?
28
00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:13,464
HE DIDN'’T FOLLOW YOU HOME, AMY.
29
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,292
YA NEVER KNOW.
RATINGS ON THE SOAP
30
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:16,771
HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS LOW.
31
00:01:16,771 --> 00:01:18,904
CORDRELL'’S BEEN FIRING ACTORS
LEFT AND RIGHT.
32
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:20,949
I FIGURE HE CAN'’T FIRE ME
IF HE CAN'’T FIND ME.
33
00:01:20,949 --> 00:01:23,474
LISTEN TO ME, I SEE CORDRELL
ALL THE TIME AT THE GOLF COURSE
34
00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:25,519
AND HE SEEMS NICE ENOUGH TO ME.
35
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,739
I GOTTA TAKE JANIE FOR HER GOLF
LESSON, SO IF I RUN INTO HIM
36
00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,436
I'’LL JUST WORK SOME OF MY MAGIC
ON HIM--OKAY?
37
00:01:29,436 --> 00:01:31,221
OH, THAT'’S SWEET, HONEY,
BUT--BUT NO.
38
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:32,613
NO, DON'’T TALK TO HIM.
39
00:01:32,613 --> 00:01:34,006
WHY?
40
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,703
'’CAUSE YOU'’LL RUIN MY CAREER.
41
00:01:35,703 --> 00:01:37,618
SO WHAT, YOU HAVE TO WALK
AROUND DISGUISED
42
00:01:37,618 --> 00:01:39,359
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
WHAT'’S CORDRELL GOING TO SAY
43
00:01:39,359 --> 00:01:40,926
WHEN HE SEES YA?
44
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:43,102
"HEY, CRAZY, WEIRD, STRANGE,
OLD LADY, WHO ARE YOU
45
00:01:43,102 --> 00:01:44,843
AND WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'’ HERE?"
46
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:47,802
STRANGER DANGER!
I'’LL SAVE YOU, DAVID!
47
00:01:47,802 --> 00:01:49,978
AAH!
48
00:01:49,978 --> 00:01:52,894
OH, I STAND CORRECTED.
49
00:01:52,894 --> 00:01:55,897
[upbeat music]
50
00:01:55,897 --> 00:02:03,514
♪
51
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:19,965
DADDY, ARE WE TAKING THE LONG
WAY TO THE CAR
52
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:22,924
JUST TO SEE
YOUR PLAQUE AGAIN?
53
00:02:22,924 --> 00:02:24,883
DON'’T BE SILLY.
54
00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:28,016
I JUST CAME IN HERE TO CHECK
THE PRICE ON VISORS.
55
00:02:28,016 --> 00:02:30,758
AND WHILE WE'’RE AT IT, COME ON,
LET'’S GO LOOK AT THE PLAQUE,
56
00:02:30,758 --> 00:02:32,499
IT'’S RIGHT HERE.
57
00:02:32,499 --> 00:02:34,414
AREN'’T YOU PROUD THAT DAD
HOLDS THE COURSE RECORD?
58
00:02:34,414 --> 00:02:39,158
IF I SAY YES, WOULD YOU BUY ME
ONE OF THOSE PUPPETS?
59
00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:42,596
THOSE ARE NOT PUPPETS.
THOSE ARE CLUB COVERS.
60
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,424
ALTHOUGH THIS ONE LOOKS A LOT
LIKE SPONGEBOB.
61
00:02:44,424 --> 00:02:45,730
[chuckling]
62
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:47,035
OH!
63
00:02:47,035 --> 00:02:48,472
[whispering]
THAT'’S MOMMY'’S BOSS.
64
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,778
I GOTTA GO TALK TO HIM.
65
00:02:50,778 --> 00:02:53,259
[whispering] MOMMY SAID,
"NO, DON'’T.
66
00:02:53,259 --> 00:02:56,131
YOU'’LL RUIN MY CAREER."
67
00:02:56,131 --> 00:02:59,091
THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.
68
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:03,617
I THINK IT MEANS, "NO, DON'’T.
YOU'’LL RUIN MY CAREER."
69
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,967
GO PLAY WITH SPONGEBOB.
70
00:03:05,967 --> 00:03:08,100
EDWARD!
DAVID HOBBS.
71
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,189
OH, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHO YOU ARE.
72
00:03:10,189 --> 00:03:11,582
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO--
EVERYBODY DOES.
73
00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:13,061
I JUST SAY THAT
TO APPEAR HUMBLE.
74
00:03:13,061 --> 00:03:14,802
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW SOMETHING.
75
00:03:14,802 --> 00:03:17,370
I WANT YOU TO KNOW MY WIFE, AMY,
SHE LOVES DOING THE SHOW.
76
00:03:17,370 --> 00:03:21,244
SHE REALLY DOES AND...
THINKS THE WORLD OF YOU.
77
00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,071
MY WIFE AMY!
78
00:03:23,071 --> 00:03:25,378
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DOING
THE SHOW MEANS TO HER...
79
00:03:25,378 --> 00:03:27,162
MY WIFE AMY.
80
00:03:27,162 --> 00:03:28,773
WELL, I THINK
I HAVE SOME IDEA.
81
00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,818
UH, PROBABLY ABOUT AS MUCH
AS I ENJOYED HOLDING
82
00:03:30,818 --> 00:03:34,126
THE 16-YEAR COURSE RECORD
BEFORE YOU TOOK IT AWAY.
83
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,171
LISTEN, WHY DON'’T WE GO OUT
AND PLAY A ROUND THIS WEEKEND?
84
00:03:36,171 --> 00:03:37,738
THIS WAY, YOU COULD
WIN YOUR RECORD BACK.
85
00:03:37,738 --> 00:03:39,610
WELL, I'’D LOVE TO,
BUT THE CLUB IS CLOSED
86
00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:42,134
FOR THE LOCAL
TEEN BEAUTY PAGEANT.
87
00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:44,005
TEEN BEAUTY PAGEANT?
88
00:03:44,005 --> 00:03:46,356
MAN, WHAT KIND OF PARENT PARADES
THEIR DAUGHTERS AROUND
89
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,705
IN FRILLY BALL GOWNS
JUST SO THEY CAN
90
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:49,750
FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THEMSELVES, RIGHT?
91
00:03:49,750 --> 00:03:51,578
YEAH, MY DAUGHTER'’S
IN THE PAGEANT.
92
00:03:51,578 --> 00:03:53,363
WELL, YOU DIDN'’T
LET ME FINISH.
93
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:58,281
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THE BEST
KIND OF PARENT--THAT'’S WHO.
94
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:02,328
COINCIDENTALLY, MY DAUGHTER
EMILY IS IN THE BEAUTY PAGEANT.
95
00:04:02,328 --> 00:04:05,288
WELL, IT'’S NICE TO MEET
A FELLOW PAGEANT ENTHUSIAST.
96
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:08,639
I-I-I HATE PEOPLE WHO DISMISS IT
AS OLD-FASHIONED AND SEXIST.
97
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:10,075
WE KNOW IT'’S SO MUCH MORE
THAN THAT.
98
00:04:10,075 --> 00:04:11,772
SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
99
00:04:11,772 --> 00:04:14,297
AND, AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY
YOUNGEST ONE--MY LITTLE JANIE--
100
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:17,909
SHE ASPIRES TO THE GRACE AND
BEAUTY OF THE PAGEANT, AS WELL.
101
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,307
THAT'’S NOT HER.
102
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:29,529
SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,
YOU WANT ME TO ENTER
103
00:04:29,529 --> 00:04:32,793
A BEAUTY PAGEANT THAT GOES
AGAINST EVERYTHING I BELIEVE?
104
00:04:32,793 --> 00:04:34,665
WHY?
105
00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:36,493
I'’D RATHER NOT SAY.
106
00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:38,364
I'’LL ENTER A PAGEANT.
107
00:04:38,364 --> 00:04:39,626
I'’LL GIVE YOU TWO TICKETS
108
00:04:39,626 --> 00:04:41,236
TO THE CONCERT OF YOUR CHOICE, EMILY.
109
00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:43,674
MY PRINCIPLES CAN'’T BE BOUGHT
FOR TWO CONCERT TICKETS.
110
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:45,676
I'’LL DO IT FOR FREE!
111
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,068
AND WHAT DOES MOM THINK
OF ALL THIS?
112
00:04:47,068 --> 00:04:48,679
I'’LL THROW IN A LIMO
IF YOU DON'’T INVOLVE HER.
113
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,724
I'’LL WALK THERE.
114
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,161
YOU HAVE TO DO NOTHING.
JUST GO DOWN THERE, SIGN UP.
115
00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:55,512
YOU DON'’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY.
JUST GO AND SHOW UP.
116
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:58,558
DAD, BEAUTY PAGEANTS SEND A
HORRIBLE MESSAGE TO YOUNG GIRLS
117
00:04:58,558 --> 00:05:00,473
THAT OUTER BEAUTY MATTERS MOST.
118
00:05:00,473 --> 00:05:04,129
I LIKE THAT MESSAGE.
119
00:05:04,129 --> 00:05:07,567
THAT'’S A GOOD MESSAGE.
120
00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:09,264
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'’LL DO IT.
121
00:05:09,264 --> 00:05:11,745
REALLY?
OH, GREAT. OKAY!
122
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:15,445
BUT I AM DOING THIS
DOG-AND-PONY SHOW MY WAY.
123
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:21,015
DOGS AND PONIES TOO?
CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER?
124
00:05:21,015 --> 00:05:22,756
OH, NOOOOO!
125
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,324
MAN, I JUST GOT HERE!
126
00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:28,153
HEY, I'’M RETURNING YOUR DAD'’S
FIVE IRON HE LENT ME.
127
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:31,765
DON'’T TELL HIM, '’CAUSE HE
DOESN'’T KNOW HE LENT IT.
128
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,681
MARCUS, I HAVE BIGGER ISSUES
RIGHT NOW.
129
00:05:34,681 --> 00:05:37,380
FITZY AND CARLOS ARE SICK AFTER
EATING AT DISCOUNT TACO.
130
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:39,425
AND NOW THEY CAN'’T PLAY
131
00:05:39,425 --> 00:05:41,601
IN TOMORROW'’S VIDEO GAME TOURNAMENT.
132
00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:43,647
FIRST OF ALL, HOW MUCH MONEY
WERE THEY TRYING TO SAVE
133
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:47,477
BY EATING AT DISCOUNT TACO?
MM!
134
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:49,696
AND SECOND, CAN'’T YOU
JUST PLAY WITHOUT THEM?
135
00:05:49,696 --> 00:05:52,569
NOPE.
WE ENTERED AS A THREE-MAN SQUAD.
136
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:55,223
SIX WEEKS OF TRAINING,
JUST DOWN THE TOILET.
137
00:05:55,223 --> 00:05:58,705
HA, ALONG WITH THOSE
CHEAP TACOS.
138
00:05:58,705 --> 00:06:00,533
AM I RIGHT?
CAN I...GET A...
139
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:02,709
MARCUS, YOU DON'’T UNDERSTAND
WHAT GOES INTO THESE ONLINE,
140
00:06:02,709 --> 00:06:04,276
MULTI-PLAYER GAMES.
141
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,583
IT TAKES MONTHS TO EARN HEALTH
PACKS, WEAPONRY,...
142
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,541
HOLD ON, I MEAN--I KNOW
YOU'’RE SAYING WORDS.
143
00:06:08,541 --> 00:06:13,503
ALL I'’M HEARING IS BOOP,
BOP, BOOP, BOOP, BOOP--NERD!
144
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:16,680
CAN'’T BELIEVE IT'’S COME
TO THIS, BUT...
145
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:19,683
WILL YOU GUYS BE ON MY SQUAD?
146
00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:23,077
NO, I CAN'’T.
147
00:06:23,077 --> 00:06:25,819
MANY YEARS AGO, WHILE PLAYING {\an8}
SAVE THE HUMANOIDS,
148
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:28,909
I COULDN'’T SAVE THE HUMANOIDS, AND...
149
00:06:28,909 --> 00:06:31,999
[sniffs] I LIVE WITH THAT GUILT
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
150
00:06:31,999 --> 00:06:35,829
BUT YOU START A NEW GAME
AND THEY COME BACK, RIGHT?
151
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,702
DO THEY, MARCUS?
[choking up] DO THEY?
152
00:06:41,095 --> 00:06:42,575
- HEY, HONEY!
- HEY!
153
00:06:42,575 --> 00:06:44,229
OOH, I JUST BOUGHT
THE CUTEST LITTLE JEGGINGS
154
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:45,883
FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL.
155
00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:47,275
HONEY, I'’VE TOLD YOU
A MILLION TIMES,
156
00:06:47,275 --> 00:06:50,409
I DON'’T HAVE THE THIGHS
FOR JEGGINGS.
157
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,759
FORTUNATELY, EMILY DOES.
WHERE IS SHE?
158
00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:54,500
SHE'’S UPSTAIRS, BUT HANG--
159
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,676
[stammering] THERE'’S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
160
00:06:56,676 --> 00:06:57,808
WHAT?
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
161
00:06:57,808 --> 00:06:59,897
WELL, NO.
UH, EMILY HAS ENTERED
162
00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:04,118
A BEAUTY PAGEANT...
FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
163
00:07:04,118 --> 00:07:06,599
- A BEAUTY PAGEANT?
- FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
164
00:07:06,599 --> 00:07:08,166
I SHOULD GO TALK TO HER.
165
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,168
YEAH, YOU SHOULD.
BUT WAIT, BEFORE YOU DO THAT,
166
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:11,952
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I TRIED TO TALK TO HER
167
00:07:11,952 --> 00:07:12,997
AND ASK HER WHY,
FOR NO APPARENT REASON,
168
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,955
SHE ENTERED
A BEAUTY CONTEST,
169
00:07:14,955 --> 00:07:16,783
AND SHE GOT REALLY SNIPPY
AND MOODY
170
00:07:16,783 --> 00:07:18,350
AND ALMOST
TORE MY HEAD OFF.
171
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,526
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,
IT'’LL PROBABLY BE DIFFERENT
172
00:07:20,526 --> 00:07:23,616
WITH YOU, HONEY,
SO...HAVE FUN.
173
00:07:23,616 --> 00:07:25,662
ON THE SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE I
SHOULD GIVE HER SOME SPACE.
174
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:28,578
WELL, TCH...
A MOTHER KNOWS.
175
00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:36,237
IT'’S LIKE CHRISTMAS
AND MY BIRTHDAY
176
00:07:36,237 --> 00:07:40,024
ROLLED UP INTO ONE
SPARKLY DREAM!
177
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:41,852
CAN I GO SEE THE MAKE-UP
AREA?
178
00:07:41,852 --> 00:07:44,985
UH, WELL, SW--ALL RIGHT,
HAVE FUN.
179
00:07:44,985 --> 00:07:47,640
DAVID, DID YOU SEE WHOSE NAME
IS ON THE PROGRAM?
180
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,599
AMY, YOU KNOW MY POLICY:
IF MY NAME'’S NOT ON IT,
181
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:51,252
I'’M NOT INTERESTED.
182
00:07:51,252 --> 00:07:55,779
[gasps] JULIETTE CORDRELL,
MY BOSS'’S DAUGHTER.
183
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,694
THAT MEANS EDWARD
COULD BE HERE.
184
00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:59,478
OH...
185
00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:01,524
WHAT DID YOU DO?
186
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:03,134
- ME?
- UH-HUH.
187
00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:04,265
WOW!
188
00:08:04,265 --> 00:08:05,832
DAVID, YOU KNOW
189
00:08:05,832 --> 00:08:07,530
HOW COMPETITIVE THE GUY IS.
190
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:09,880
WHEN HE FINDS OUT THAT EMILY
IS UP AGAINST HIS DAUGHTER,
191
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,230
THIS COULD GO WRONG
IN SO MANY WAYS!
192
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:14,798
OR YOU CAN BOND
OVER THE FACT
193
00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:19,672
THAT YOU BOTH HAVE DAUGHTERS
IN THE SAME BEAUTY CONTEST.
194
00:08:19,672 --> 00:08:21,369
PAGEANT PALS, IF YOU WILL.
195
00:08:21,369 --> 00:08:22,283
PAGEANT PALS.
196
00:08:22,283 --> 00:08:23,720
HELLO.
197
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,461
WELL, HELLO, PAGEANT PAL.
198
00:08:26,461 --> 00:08:27,898
YOU KNOW, IT'’S FUNNY, AMY,
199
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,421
I'’M USED TO SEEING YOU
AS AN ACTOR
200
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:31,858
WHO COULD SLIP BACK INTO A COMA
AT ANY MOMENT,
201
00:08:31,858 --> 00:08:35,253
BUT BEING A PARENT PUTS YOU
IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.
202
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:37,342
[forced laugh]
WELL...
203
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,431
NOT THE TYPE OF LIGHT
YOU WALK TOWARDS, I HOPE.
204
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:40,606
[laughing]
205
00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:46,438
IT'’S AMAZING HOW OPPRESSIVE
THE GENDER STEREOTYPES ARE.
206
00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:49,484
I MEAN, IT'’S DISGUSTING THAT
THERE'’S NO MALE EQUIVALENT.
207
00:08:49,484 --> 00:08:51,530
YOU'’RE FUN!
208
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:54,185
SHE'’S JUST TRYING TO
THROW US OFF OUR GAME.
209
00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:56,056
I'’M JUST SAYING
SOMETIMES EXPECTATIONS--
210
00:08:56,056 --> 00:08:59,843
WANT TO KNOW MY EXPECTATIONS?
I EXPECT TO WALK OUT OF HERE
211
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:02,019
WITH A TROPHY
THE SIZE OF A SMALL CHILD.
212
00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:04,804
HELLO!
213
00:09:04,804 --> 00:09:06,284
THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER, JANIE.
214
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:07,938
SHE'’S THE REASON I'’M HERE.
215
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:09,809
SHE THINKS BEING BEAUTIFUL
IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN LIFE.
216
00:09:09,809 --> 00:09:12,116
OH, SO YOU GET IT!
217
00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:14,466
JANIE, DO YOU WANT TO BE
IN A PAGEANT?
218
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,860
LET'’S DO THIS THING!
219
00:09:23,910 --> 00:09:25,782
SO, TO SHOOT THE L.T.A.,
YOU PRESS THE X BUTTON.
220
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:28,001
- THE X BUTTON.
- AND TO ACTIVATE YOUR HUD,
221
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:31,135
YOU PRESS THE SQUARE BUTTON.
- SQUARE BU...OKAY.
222
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:34,399
SO FAR, ALL I'’M HEARING
IS BUTTON.
223
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:36,836
OH, MAN, WE DON'’T HAVE
A PRAYER WITHOUT KEVIN.
224
00:09:36,836 --> 00:09:39,230
I AM A QUICK STUDY.
I CAN LEARN THIS, MAN.
225
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:44,975
I'’LL GO GET KEVIN.
226
00:09:47,542 --> 00:09:49,327
[calling]
227
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:51,155
KEVIN!
228
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:53,113
COME ON, MAN, WE NEED ANOTHER SOLDIER...
229
00:09:53,113 --> 00:09:57,422
TO OBLITERATE THE ENEMY
AND DESTROY THEIR WORLD!
230
00:09:57,422 --> 00:10:00,164
[softer tone]
FOR THE CHILDREN.
231
00:10:00,164 --> 00:10:03,515
THAT'’S NOT ME ANYMORE, MARCUS.
232
00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:06,387
I NO LONGER WALK THE WAYS
OF THE WARRIOR.
233
00:10:06,387 --> 00:10:09,434
NO, I'’M OUT HERE AT PEACE
WITH MY BONSAI TREE.
234
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:10,870
[chuckles]
235
00:10:10,870 --> 00:10:12,742
THERE'’S NO ANGER LEFT IN ME.
236
00:10:20,097 --> 00:10:22,012
OKAY,
THE ANGER'’S COMING BACK.
237
00:10:25,493 --> 00:10:27,452
FOLKS, PLEASE WELCOME
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT:
238
00:10:27,452 --> 00:10:30,107
MISS JULIETTE CORDRELL.
239
00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:35,503
JULIETTE IS A VISION
IN RHINESTONES AND CHIFFON.
240
00:10:35,503 --> 00:10:38,419
[recorded voice] I LIKE TO
LOOK MY BEST AT ALL TIMES:
241
00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:39,899
WHETHER I'’M IN A DESIGNER GOWN,
242
00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:43,033
ENTERTAINING
AT ONE OF MY MANY HOMES,
243
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:47,690
OR IN A DESIGNER GOWN HELPING
ONE OF THE MANY HOMELESS.
244
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:50,605
IT'’S TRUE.
FASHION IS HER PASSION.
245
00:10:50,605 --> 00:10:54,479
[forced laughter]
246
00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:56,176
IT'’S WORKING, WE'’RE FRIENDS.
- SHH.
247
00:10:56,176 --> 00:10:59,963
[applause]
248
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:04,489
OUR NEXT, EMILY HOBBS,
IS A STUNNER IN...
249
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:07,884
[audience gasps]
250
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:09,494
SWEAT PANTS?
251
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:11,539
[recorded voice] I FIND
THAT MY GREATEST ACCESSORY
252
00:11:11,539 --> 00:11:13,019
IS MY MIND.
253
00:11:13,019 --> 00:11:14,891
FOR IT DOESN'’T MATTER
WHAT A WOMAN IS WEARING
254
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:18,242
ON THE OUTSIDE--IT'’S WHAT'’S
INSIDE THAT REALLY COUNTS.
255
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:19,852
NO, IT'’S NOT!
256
00:11:25,205 --> 00:11:30,254
[cheers and applause]
257
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:32,256
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE JUDGES FIND MISS HOBBS
258
00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:33,866
REFRESHINGLY ORIGINAL.
259
00:11:33,866 --> 00:11:37,827
BRAINS OVER BEAUTY, BUT, UH,
I'’M NOT SURE I LIKE IT.
260
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:41,482
OH, ACCORDING TO THE
TELEPROMPTER, I DO LIKE IT.
261
00:11:41,482 --> 00:11:44,442
A 9.8?
262
00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:46,749
YOUR DAUGHTER IS BEATING MY
DAUGHTER WITH A STUNT LIKE THAT?
263
00:11:49,055 --> 00:11:51,971
COMING, EMILY!
264
00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:00,327
THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.
265
00:12:00,327 --> 00:12:02,199
NOT ONLY IS OUR DAUGHTER
MOCKING THE PAGEANT,
266
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,722
SHE'’S BEATING
MY BOSS'’S DAUGHTER.
267
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:07,508
ALL RIGHT, I'’VE GOT GOOD NEWS.
268
00:12:07,508 --> 00:12:10,511
I INSULTED CORDRELL
ABOUT BEAUTY PAGEANTS.
269
00:12:10,511 --> 00:12:13,340
SO I BRIBED EMILY
TO ENTER THE CONTEST.
270
00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:15,125
YOUR IDEA OF GOOD NEWS
271
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,780
IS SO DIFFERENT
THAN MY IDEA OF GOOD NEWS.
272
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:19,390
OKAY, WELL,
HERE'’S THE GOOD NEWS.
273
00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:20,826
SINCE I BRIBED HER
TO GET INTO IT,
274
00:12:20,826 --> 00:12:22,306
I CAN BRIBE HER
TO GET OUT OF IT.
275
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:23,873
OKAY, THEN BRIBE AWAY, PAL.
276
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,309
BECAUSE IF EMILY
WINS THIS PAGEANT,
277
00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:27,006
CORDRELL'’S GOING TO
GIVE MY CHARACTER EBOLA.
278
00:12:27,006 --> 00:12:28,355
OKAY?
- ALL RIGHT.
279
00:12:28,355 --> 00:12:30,967
AND NOW, TO START OFF
THE TALENT PORTION,
280
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:33,665
EMILY HOBBS
AS THE MATH MAGICIAN.
281
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:36,711
[cheers and applause]
282
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:45,024
AND POOF, THE MATH MAGICIAN
283
00:12:45,024 --> 00:12:47,331
JUST PULLED A LOSER
OUT OF THE HAT.
284
00:12:51,552 --> 00:12:52,945
AND TIME!
285
00:12:52,945 --> 00:12:54,947
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SHE DID IT!
286
00:12:54,947 --> 00:12:57,515
[applause]
- SHE DID IT?
287
00:12:57,515 --> 00:13:00,039
SHE DID IT!
288
00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:02,868
[cheers and applause]
289
00:13:08,482 --> 00:13:11,094
WHAT'’S THE MOST GRUESOME
AILMENT WE CAN GIVE AN ACTRESS?
290
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,660
LIKE, WHAT'’S THAT HORRIBLE
DISFIGURING DISEASE
291
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:15,228
THAT JOAN RIVERS HAS?
292
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,099
REALLY?
293
00:13:20,059 --> 00:13:21,931
READY FOR THIS?
294
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:24,542
I DON'’T KNOW, MAN.
I MEAN, WHAT IF I LOST MY EDGE?
295
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,022
WHAT IF I CAN'’T PULL
THE TRIGGER ANYMORE?
296
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,458
- AND WE'’RE LIVE!
- WHOO!
297
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:30,504
EAT LASER, ALIEN SCUM!
[laughing maniacally]
298
00:13:30,504 --> 00:13:34,204
THIS IS FOR THE HUMANOIDS.
REDEMPTION IS MINE!
299
00:13:34,204 --> 00:13:36,946
[imitates machine gun sound]
300
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,904
IT'’S BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
301
00:13:38,904 --> 00:13:42,560
NOW, THIS GOT WEIRD FAST.
302
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:45,258
MOM, DAD!
I'’M ONE OF THE FINALISTS!
303
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,304
YAY!
304
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:50,089
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE JUMPING?
305
00:13:50,089 --> 00:13:51,961
WE'’RE JUMPING ON THE INSIDE.
306
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,658
ISN'’T THIS GREAT?
307
00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:55,181
I'’M WINNING BASED ON
MY INNER BEAUTY.
308
00:13:55,181 --> 00:13:56,835
OH, HONEY,
YOU'’VE MADE YOUR POINT.
309
00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:58,793
WOMEN HAVE BRAINS, OR WHATEVER,
BUT WE'’RE DONE HERE.
310
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:00,360
LET'’S GO, OKAY?
- WAIT, NO!
311
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,362
YOU WANT ME TO QUIT
THE COMPETITION?
312
00:14:02,362 --> 00:14:03,886
THROW AWAY EVERYTHING
I STAND FOR?
313
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,496
EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN?
314
00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:08,586
UH, PRETTY MUCH.
315
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:12,329
BUT
I'’M DOING THIS FOR JANIE.
316
00:14:12,329 --> 00:14:14,679
SHE THREW AWAY A DOLL BECAUSE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS UGLY, DAD.
317
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,028
WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,
318
00:14:16,028 --> 00:14:19,771
THAT STEVEN SEAGAL
WAS NOT A HANDSOME DOLL.
319
00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:21,164
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
320
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:24,732
EMILY, SWEETIE--DON'’T QUIT.
321
00:14:24,732 --> 00:14:27,866
I LOVE WHAT YOU'’RE DOING
FOR YOUR SISTER.
322
00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:30,129
AND YOUR FATHER AND I,
WE'’VE ALWAYS ENCOURAGED YOU
323
00:14:30,129 --> 00:14:32,479
TO GO OUT THERE AND BE
THE INDEPENDENT THINKER
324
00:14:32,479 --> 00:14:34,438
THAT WE ARE SO PROUD OF.
325
00:14:34,438 --> 00:14:35,526
THANKS, MOM, THANKS ,DAD!
326
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:38,007
OKAY, I'’M, UH...
327
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,617
A LITTLE CONFUSED HERE.
328
00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:43,012
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO
TALK HER OUT OF ALL THIS.
329
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:45,231
I-I DID, BUT IF CORDRELL'’S
GOING TO BE PETTY AND FIRE ME
330
00:14:45,231 --> 00:14:47,364
BECAUSE EMILY'’S WINNING,
SO BE IT.
331
00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:48,843
WHAT'’S IMPORTANT TO HER
332
00:14:48,843 --> 00:14:52,064
IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT
THAN WHAT HE THINKS.
333
00:14:54,153 --> 00:14:56,329
I'’M AN ACTOR.
334
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:59,593
HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO THINK
IF NOBODY TELLS ME?
335
00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:09,081
LISTEN, YOU SWEATPANTS-WEARING
CALCULATOR,
336
00:15:09,081 --> 00:15:10,909
STOP MAKING A JOKE OUT OF THIS.
337
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:13,520
IT'’S A POSITIVE MESSAGE,
AND I'’M NOT HURTING ANYONE.
338
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:17,263
UH, HELLO!
YOU'’RE HURTING EVERYONE.
339
00:15:17,263 --> 00:15:20,963
I HAD BIG PLANS FOR THIS TITLE,
AND I'’M SURE MOLLY HERE
340
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:25,402
HAD SOME STUPID PLAN INVOLVING
A HORSE NAMED BUTTERSCOTCH.
341
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:28,318
NOT EXACTLY,
ALTHOUGH I LOVE HORSES.
342
00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:33,236
AND IF I HAD ONE, BUTTERSCOTCH
WOULD BE A SUPER CUTE NAME.
343
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:36,108
I'’M JUST HERE HOPING TO WIN
THE SCHOLARSHIP MONEY.
344
00:15:36,108 --> 00:15:38,589
SINCE MY DAD PASSED,
THERE'’S NO WAY MY MOM CAN AFFORD
345
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:42,462
TO SEND ME OR MY LITTLE BROTHER
TO COLLEGE.
346
00:15:42,462 --> 00:15:45,074
UGH, TOO SAD FOR ME.
347
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:51,254
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD, ALIEN!
348
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:54,170
AND YOUR OTHER HEAD!
[game noises in background]
349
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:56,085
MARCUS, I DON'’T LIKE
WHAT WE'’VE UNLEASHED.
350
00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:58,043
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
351
00:15:58,043 --> 00:16:00,132
I GOT THIS.
352
00:16:00,132 --> 00:16:01,960
OKAY, YOU'’RE JUST RUNNING
AROUND IN CIRCLES,
353
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,702
PATTING YOUR HEAD.
354
00:16:04,702 --> 00:16:06,530
WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A BUTTON
TO DO THAT?
355
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,010
THEY DON'’T.
356
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:13,015
I CAN'’T BELIEVE WHAT
I'’M ABOUT TO DO.
357
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:14,146
[sound of laser firing]
358
00:16:14,146 --> 00:16:17,106
[whimpering]
359
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,759
WHO SHOT ME?
360
00:16:18,759 --> 00:16:21,936
I DID.
IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
361
00:16:21,936 --> 00:16:23,155
[sound of laser firing]
- AH, YES!
362
00:16:23,155 --> 00:16:26,028
I GOT ONE!
BLAHH!
363
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:29,031
MARCUS, YOU JUST SHOT ME!
364
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,554
SO WHAT?
I'’M STILL IN THE BATTLE!
365
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:31,903
[sound of laser firing]
OH, OH, OH, OH,
366
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:32,991
JUST GOT ANOTHER ONE!
367
00:16:32,991 --> 00:16:36,560
YOU JUST SHOT YOURSELF.
368
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,476
I'’M REALLY NOT GOOD AT THIS,
AM I?
369
00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:43,436
AND THEN THERE WERE THREE.
[cheers and applause]
370
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,178
HOWEVER, EMILY HOBBS
HAS AN UNBEATABLE LEAD.
371
00:16:46,178 --> 00:16:49,138
OH, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO ALL.
372
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:51,183
THE QUESTION FOR OUR
CONTESTANTS, IS:
373
00:16:51,183 --> 00:16:54,447
IF I COULD GRANT YOU ONE WISH,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
374
00:16:58,625 --> 00:17:00,584
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
MY DAD TOLD ME
375
00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:02,934
I COULD DO DO ANYTHING
MY HEART CAN DREAM.
376
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:06,329
SO MY WISH IS THAT EVERYONE,
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE,
377
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:09,680
CAN GET A CHANCE
AT A QUALITY EDUCATION.
378
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,682
THAT'’S THE ONLY WAY
REAL DREAMS COME TRUE.
379
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:15,294
[cheers and applause]
380
00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:30,179
IF I HAD ONE WISH,
I'’D WISH...
381
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,311
THAT THERE WERE
NO MORE BABIES.
382
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:37,447
THEY ARE GROSS, AND THEY ARE
DUMB, AND THEY CRY.
383
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,147
- ALL RIGHTY, THEN.
- UH--
384
00:17:42,147 --> 00:17:45,672
I THINK I MAY HAVE MISSPOKEN.
385
00:17:45,672 --> 00:17:48,153
JUST TO BE CLEAR, I MEANT BABIES
OF ALL SPECIES:
386
00:17:48,153 --> 00:17:50,851
BUNNIES, PONIES, KITTENS,
WHAT HAVE YOU.
387
00:17:50,851 --> 00:17:52,897
DON'’T LIKE '’EM, DON'’T NEED '’EM.
GOOD NIGHT!
388
00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:55,508
LOVE YOU ALL!
OH, EXCEPT PUPPIES--HATE YOU!
389
00:18:05,779 --> 00:18:06,476
[clears throat]
390
00:18:12,786 --> 00:18:16,094
UH...YEAH.
391
00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:19,967
WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT THE BABY
THING, BLAH, BLAH.
392
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:22,579
I'’M STUPID!
393
00:18:30,064 --> 00:18:31,457
WHAT'’S HAPPENING?
394
00:18:34,504 --> 00:18:36,549
WELL, I HOPE YOU'’RE HAPPY.
395
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,421
YOU'’RE DAUGHTER RUINED
THE CONTEST FOR EVERYBODY.
396
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:41,554
AND BY EVERYBODY, I MEAN ME.
397
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,514
SO YOU, YOUR CHARACTER
WILL NO LONGER...
398
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,646
JUST HOLD THAT THREAT
A SECOND.
399
00:18:46,646 --> 00:18:49,519
UM, LISTEN.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT
400
00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,608
AFTER WATCHING
OUR DAUGHTERS PERFORM
401
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:54,437
WITH SUCH DIGNITY
AND GRACE,
402
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:56,526
IT'’S INSPIRED ME TO DO THE SAME,
403
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:59,659
AND, UM...
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
404
00:18:59,659 --> 00:19:02,793
THAT I DIDN'’T BREAK
YOUR COURSE RECORD.
405
00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,273
WHAT?
406
00:19:04,273 --> 00:19:06,753
YEAH, I TOOK A MULLIGAN
ON 18.
407
00:19:06,753 --> 00:19:09,408
- THAT'’S NOT ALLOWED.
- I-I'’M WELL AWARE OF THAT.
408
00:19:09,408 --> 00:19:11,018
AND I'’M NOT PROUD OF IT,
409
00:19:11,018 --> 00:19:13,456
BUT THE COURSE RECORD
IS STILL YOURS.
410
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,935
YES!
411
00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:17,024
[ahem]
412
00:19:17,024 --> 00:19:19,070
GOTTA RESPECT AN HONEST GOLFER.
413
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,333
SEE YA ON THE LINKS, HOBBS.
- OKAY, YOU GOT IT.
414
00:19:21,333 --> 00:19:24,815
AND--AND I'’LL SEE YOU
ON THE SET MONDAY, HMM?
415
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:27,165
YOU WILL?
416
00:19:27,165 --> 00:19:28,471
YOU WILL!
417
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:32,953
[whispering]
THANK YOU.
418
00:19:32,953 --> 00:19:35,042
FOR?
419
00:19:35,042 --> 00:19:37,480
YOU NEVER TOOK A MULLIGAN.
420
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,090
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
421
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:40,570
BECAUSE THE LAST TIME
422
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:44,182
YOU WERE ACCUSED OF TAKING
A MULLIGAN BY MARCUS
423
00:19:44,182 --> 00:19:46,228
YOU CALLED HIM CARCASS
FOR A MONTH.
424
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:47,446
HUH?
- THAT'’S '’CAUSE FOR THAT MONTH,
425
00:19:47,446 --> 00:19:50,362
HE WAS DEAD TO ME.
426
00:19:58,805 --> 00:20:01,852
YOU LOST THE CONTEST
ON PURPOSE, DIDN'’T YOU?
427
00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:04,724
YEAH. MOLLY NEEDED IT
MORE THAN I DID.
428
00:20:04,724 --> 00:20:06,770
THAT'’S REALLY NICE.
429
00:20:06,770 --> 00:20:09,512
THAT'’S WHAT MAKES SOMEONE PRETTY
ON THE INSIDE.
430
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:10,991
YOU'’RE EXACTLY RIGHT, JANIE.
431
00:20:10,991 --> 00:20:13,820
I GET STUFF.
432
00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:15,692
- EMILY?
- YEAH?
433
00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:18,695
WHY DO YOU HATE PUPPIES?
434
00:20:21,306 --> 00:20:24,353
[soft music playing]
435
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:27,051
♪
436
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,053
FEELING BETTER, KEVIN?
437
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:30,707
ALMOST.
438
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:39,716
[sighs]
439
00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:41,718
NOW I FEEL BETTER.