GUESS WHAT, EMILY.
I'M LIKE YOU NOW.
I FINALLY GOT HOMEWORK.
WOW.
WE'RE PAINTING PICTURES OF OUR GRANDPARENTS
FOR GRANDPARENTS NIGHT.
LOOKS LIKE A CUPCAKE.
IT IS.
SINCE GAWGEE AND GRANDPA AREN'T ALLOWED TO VISIT ANYMORE,
ALL I CAN HOPE FOR IS THEY SERVE CUPCAKES.
JANIE, GAWGEE AND GRANDPA ARE ALLOWED TO VISIT.
JUST NOT AT THE SAME TIME, RIGHT?
I TOLD YOU I WAS GETTING THEM THE VIDEO GAME,
YOU OLD COOT.
YOU KNEW I ALREADY BOUGHT IT, WOMAN.
[glass shattering]
WELL, EVER SINCE MY MOM USED THE WISE MEN AS NUNCHUKS,
WE DECIDED THAT WE SHOULDN'T INVITE THEM HERE
TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME. YOU UNDERSTAND.
FINISHED.
WOW, CHARLOTTE, THAT'S AMAZING.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
YEP, ALL OF MY GRANDPARENTS ARE COMING.
POPS, NANA-BANANA, GIGGLES, AND HOWARD.
YOU'RE SO LUCKY, CHARLOTTE.
MAYBE CAN I BORROW ONE FOR GRANDPARENTS NIGHT?
SURE. WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
I DON'T RECOMMEND HOWARD.
NO, NO, NO, NO, JANIE DOESN'T NEED
ANY OF YOUR GRANDPARENTS, CHARLOTTE.
LOOKS LIKE SHE DOES.
IT'S KIND OF SAD AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD
CAN'T KEEP THE PEACE.
I'M GONNA WORK THIS OUT, CHARLOTTE.
HONEY, I'M INVITING BOTH YOUR GRANDMOTHER
AND YOUR GRANDFATHER, OKAY?
- REALLY? - YES.
ALL RIGHT. - THANKS DADDY.
YOU'RE WELCOME SWEETHEART.
- DAD. - YEAH?
ARE YOU NUTS?
REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THEY WERE TOGETHER?
[yelling]
WE'VE BEEN OVER THAT, JOE.
LISTEN, THIS IS A BIG EVENT FOR HER.
IT'S HER FIRST SCHOOL EVENT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
DAD, THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA.
BORROWING NANA-BANANA MAY BE THE BEST WAY TO GO.
YOU'RE SIDING WITH CHARLOTTE?
YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
I'M GOOD EITHER WAY.
[lively music]
♪
WELL, WHEN I INVITED THE MAJOR AND MY MOM HERE,
I MADE THEM PROMISE NOT TO FIGHT.
- MM-HMM. - YEAH, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT THEIR PATHS NEVER CROSS
WHILE THEY'RE HERE. RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY KEVIN GOT ME THESE COMMUNICATION DEVICES.
OF COURSE, I'LL BE COMMAND CONTROL.
EMILY, YOU TRAIL GAWGEE. I'LL TRAIL GRANDPA.
NO, HOW DO YOU GUYS ACTUALLY THINK THIS PLAN IS GONNA WORK?
WE HAVE COOL EARPIECES.
KIDS, WE GOT THIS.
KEVIN'S PICKING UP THE MAJOR AT THE AIRPORT.
RIGHT, AND THEN AN HOUR LATER HE'LL GET MY MOM.
ANYBODY HERE ORDER A GREAT PAIR OF LEGS?
AND A DIPPING SAUCE.
MOM, MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I CHANGED MY FLIGHT.
I JUST COULDN'T LET THE MAJOR GET HERE FIRST.
THE BEST GRANDPARENT DESERVES THE BEST HUGS.
- OKAY. - GAWGEE!
OH, JANIE.
I'M SO GLAD YOU AND GRANDPA
ARE BOTH COMING TO GRANDPARENTS NIGHT.
I NEVER, EVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN IN MY LIFE.
OH, JANIE, YOU KNOW, I WOULD NEVER LET YOU DOWN,
BUT GRANDPA... [laughs]
WHAT?
COPY THAT.
KEVIN CAN'T FIND THE MAJOR AT THE AIRPORT.
WHAT, HE--
IT'S BECAUSE HE'S JOGGING UP OUR DRIVEWAY.
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?
GAWGEE, LET'S GO GET YOU SETTLED, OKAY?
OH, WHAT'S THE HURRY?
WELL, IF GRANDPA GETS HERE FIRST,
HE'LL TAKE THE ROOM WITH THE FULL-LENGTH MIRROR.
OVER MY AGELESS BODY.
WHEW.
DID I BEAT SAGGIE HERE?
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MAJOR, IT'S MAGGIE.
"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MAJOR, IT'S MAGGIE."
YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
WELCOME, SIR.
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE, GRANDPA.
ME TOO, JANIE.
DAD, WE SENT KEVIN TO THE AIRPORT.
COME HERE. - OH.
WELL I COULDN'T WAIT FOR KEVIN.
I SAW MAGGIE HOP IN A CAB.
I THOUGHT IT WAS BAGGAGE BEING LOADED,
BUT, NOPE, IT WAS HER.
SO I TOOK A SHORTCUT ACROSS THE TARMAC
TO TRY AND BEAT HER.
WAIT, GRANDPA, YOU RAN ACROSS THE TARMAC?
YEAH, MY MILITARY BADGE GETS ME THROUGH A LOT OF SECURITY.
OH, COOL. CAN I SEE IT?
NO, HIGH LEVEL CLEARANCE.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BADGE TO SEE MY BADGE.
A BADGE TO SEE A BADGE?
MM-HMM.
WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?
- OKAY, SO HE'S STILL WEIRD. - YEAH.
AFTER THAT LONG FLIGHT I'M STARVING.
HEADING TO THE KITCHEN.
CHICKEN SANDWICH EATING IN PROGRESS.
DIVERT, DIVERT.
HEY, GRANDMA, WHY DON'T YOU SIT ON THE COUCH,
AND I WILL BRING YOU A SNACK?
DON'T BE SILLY.
I'M A FAMOUS DANCER.
THESE FABULOUS LEGS NEED TO DANCE.
DIVERSION FAILED, COMING TO YOU.
COMMENCE OPERATION "CONCEAL THE MAJOR."
BOY, THESE FITTED SHEETS ARE REALLY HARD TO FOLD.
YEAH, I KNOW THAT, SON.
AND NOBODY'S EVER CRACKED IT.
[phone ringing]
DON'T TOUCH THAT.
HIGH LEVEL CLEARANCE.
MAJOR, YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS IN THE LIVING ROOM?
YOU'LL HAVE A LOT MORE PRIVACY IN THERE, OKAY?
OH, SWEETHEART, WHY'D YOU CLOSE THE DOOR?
GOT TO KEEP THE FRESHNESS IN, GRANDMA.
OKAY, NOW I'M TREATING MY GRANDMOTHER LIKE PRODUCE.
I'M OUT.
OH, LOOKS LIKE THE MAJOR GOT HERE.
SHHH!
[speaking Chinese]
I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR GRANDFATHER SPOKE CHINESE.
SOMETHING'S GOING ON, KEVIN.
HE RAN ACROSS THE AIRPORT TARMAC.
HE HAS A SECRET BADGE.
HE SPEAKS IN CHINESE... IN PRIVATE.
THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.
AH, HE'S GOING TO SURPRISE US WITH MOO SHU PORK.
NO.
THIS IS JUST LIKE OUR VIDEO GAME,
"SPIES AMONG US."
NO ONE IS WHO THEY SEEM.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S GOOD OR WHO'S BAD.
THE ONLY THING I'M SURE OF IS
MY GRANDFATHER IS A SPY.
OR NOT.
MAKE SURE YOU GET MY GOOD SIDE.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
THEY'RE ALL GOOD.
OH, HELLO.
HELLO.
GRANDPA, LOOK.
I'M PAINTING A PORTRAIT FOR GRANDPARENTS' NIGHT.
SEE, GAWGEE'S IN THIS ROOM, AND YOU'RE WAY OVER HERE.
COULD YOU PAINT A MOAT AROUND HIS ROOM?
MAYBE FILL IT WITH ALLIGATORS?
AND USE YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
SHE'S A REAL MAN-EATER.
AND YOU'RE A REAL MAN WHO CLEARLY EATS TOO MUCH.
OKAY, GUYS, PLEASE.
SAVING AMERICA ONE BURGER AT A TIME.
JANIE, LET'S TAKE A BIKE RIDE AND GET SOME FRESH AIR, HUH?
JANIE, WHY DON'T YOU AND I STAY HERE,
AND I'LL TEACH YOU SOME NEW DANCE STEPS?
SURE, GRANDMA.
STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED TO SHARE, HAVE YOU?
OH, I CAN SHARE.
HOW ABOUT A FRUIT PLATE?
RETURNING FIRE.
NO, PLEASE, DON'T RETURN FIRE.
MOM, STOP IT.
STAY LOW. THE KIWIS AREN'T RIPE.
I'M YOUR SON--
I TAKE IT THE EARPIECES AREN'T WORKING?
YOU KNOW WHAT? EVERYBODY STOP!
STOP THROWING--NO, STOP THROWING FRUIT.
LOOK, IF THIS IS YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR,
I DON'T WANT IT AROUND MY KIDS.
I WANT THE BOTH OF YOU TO GO FOR A LONG WALK,
AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO BE CIVIL TO EACH OTHER
FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS.
ARE YOU THROWING US OUT?
UNTIL YOU ACT YOUR AGE, YES.
FINE.
KIDS, SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR GRANDMA.
OH, DAD.
WHAT?
OLD LADIES FALL DOWN ALL THE TIME.
SOMETIMES THEY DON'T GET BACK UP.
DADDY, ARE GAWGEE AND GRANDPA BACK YET?
NO, NOT YET, SWEETIE.
THEY CAME ALL THIS WAY TO SEE ME,
AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN HERE. - MM.
I JUST HOPE THEY HAVEN'T PUMMELED EACH OTHER
WITH THOSE GRAPEFRUITS OFF THE NEIGHBORS TREE.
CALM DOWN, ALL RIGHT.
I WILL GO AND FIND THEM. OKAY?
COME HERE. [patting couch]
A-A-AMY!
- ARE YOU OKAY? - [squeaking]
[squeaking]
I HEARD GIGGLING ON THE PATIO.
WHOA.
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
ARE WE BEING PRANKED?
NO.
PLEASE, SOMEBODY SAY "GOTCHA."
- GOTCHA. - [giggling]
PLEASE, CAN YOU TWO STOP CANOODLING
IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN?
OH, LOOSEN UP, DAVID, THEY'RE FINE.
NO, I MEANT YOUR CHILDREN.
WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD US TO TAKE A WALK.
MOM, THIS IS WALKING.
THIS IS-- - [laughs]
YOU'RE AN EXCELLENT DIPPER, DAVID.
THIS IS GREAT.
I'M GONNA PAINT A NEW PICTURE OF YOU GUYS DANCING TOGETHER.
WHAT CAN I SAY, DAVID?
WHEN YOU FINALLY SENT US OFF ON OUR OWN,
WE REALIZED THAT-- THAT OUR BOILING ANGER
WAS REALLY SIMMERING PASSION.
all: AW.
- UGH. - EW.
HOW ABOUT SOME MORE COFFEE,
MY BIG STRONG SOLDIER MAN?
YOUR MOTHER AND I STAYED UP WAY PAST CURFEW DANCING.
I HAVE TWO NEW HIPS,
AND THEY'RE UNDER WARRANTY.
MOM, PEOPLE ARE EATING.
THE LAST TIME I DANCED LIKE THAT WAS IN ITALY,
AND I WAS ONLY DANCING BECAUSE THERE WAS
A REALLY LONG LINE FOR THE LATRINE.
AND WHY WERE YOU IN ITALY?
WELL, I COULD TELL YOU, BUT I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU.
[laughs]
[laughter]
YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS SO FUNNY.
OH, WELL, THERE'S A LOT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT GRANDPA.
[coughs] INTERNATIONAL SPY.
[coughs]
I PLANTED A LISTENING DEVICE.
[coughs]
LET'S GO CHECK IT.
[coughs]
OKAY.
- GAWGEE. - MM-HMM?
IF YOU GRANDPA GET MARRIED, WOULD THAT MAKE MY MOM AND DAD
BROTHER AND SISTER? - [spitting]
YOU GUYS OKAY OVER THERE?
- YEAH, JUST REAL HOT. - SO HOT.
- WHAT IF YOU GUYS HAD A BABY? - [spitting]
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I'M TAKING MY COFFEE TO WORK.
WHAT, YOU'RE LEAVING?
HONEY, I THREW UP IN MY MOUTH TWICE.
SO, UH, I'LL SEE YOU ALL GRANDPARENTS' NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU KIDS GO GET READY FOR SCHOOL?
COME ON. - OH, I'LL HELP.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW I USED TO LIKE WHEN THAT WOMAN LEFT THE ROOM.
NOW I LOVE IT.
[spitting]
THAT WAS EMPTY.
I JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA.
WHEN THE KIDS ARE AT SCHOOL, WHY DON'T THE THREE OF US
GO TO THE SANTA MONICA PIER? - YEAH.
AND WHILE WE ARE ON THE FERRIS WHEEL,
WE CAN KEEP HIM BUSY WITH SOME COTTON CANDY.
OOH, SOUNDS SWEET.
YOU'RE SWEETER.
OKAY, PLEASE, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
WHAT? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
NO, I CAN'T TAKE IT. I CAN'T TAKE ALL THE FLIRTING
AND THE HANDSINESS. PLEASE, COME ON.
AND IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN COTTON CANDY FOR ME,
YOU BETTER THINK AGAIN.
COME ON, DAVID, WE'RE JUST ENJOYING OURSELVES.
WE'RE HAPPIER NOW THAT WE'RE TOGETHER.
YEAH, I UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT YOUR HAPPINESS IS MAKING ME AND MY WIFE MISERABLE.
DAVID, IF YOU CAN'T SEE US TOGETHER,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE US AT ALL.
I'LL JUST TAKE MY NEW HIPS AND WALK RIGHT OUT OF HERE.
- AND I'LL JOIN YOU. - YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM, YOU KNOW--DON'T WALK.
TAKE MY CAR AND YOUR NEW BOY TOY--
RESPECTFULLY, MAJOR-- AND JUST GO FAR AWAY.
AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU LEARN
HOW TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER.
DON'T BE SURPRISED IF WE DON'T COME BACK.
- DADDY. - YEAH?
ARE GAWGEE AND GRANDPA GONNA MISS MY GRANDPARENTS' NIGHT?
THEY'RE NOT BACK YET.
NO--I-- NO, THEY WILL NOT MISS IT.
YEAH, WHERE ARE THEY, MR. HOBBS?
THEY'RE HERE, CHARLOTTE.
I DON'T SEE 'EM.
THEY'RE IN TOWN.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THEY'RE NOT HERE.
STORY'S UNRAVELING.
WELL, LOOK, WE HAD A LITTLE ARGUMENT EARLIER,
AND THEY WENT OUT FOR A DRIVE. OKAY?
BUT, DADDY, I TOLD MY WHOLE CLASS THEY'D BE THERE.
JANIE, HONEY, I PROMISE YOU,
AND I GUARANTEE THAT THEY WILL BE THERE TONIGHT, OKAY?
SWEETHEART, WHY DON'T YOU GO GET READY,
AND I'LL BE UP IN A MINUTE?
NO, NO, DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH--
[clicking tongue] TICK TOCK, MR. HOBBS.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL TIME.
I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE.
WOW, THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD IMPERSONATION OF MY MOTHER.
DO IT AGAIN? - REALLY?
YEAH, HUMOR ME.
I'VE GOT TWO NEW HIPS, AND THEY'RE UNDER WARRANTY.
OH, NO.
YOU'VE GOT THE JOB, COME ON.
HEY, SWEETIE, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
WHERE'S YOUR DADDY?
HE DROPPED ME OFF AND SAID HE'D BE BACK.
I HOPE HE FOUND GRANDPA AND GAWGEE.
HELLO, MY FELLOW GRANDPARENTS.
LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.
OH, NO.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
THOSE ARE YOUR GRANDPARENTS?
TELL ME I DON'T LOOK FABULOUS.
I FEEL THE LESS I SAY THE BETTER.
WOW, JANIE, I'M IMPRESSED YOUR GRANDPARENTS ACTUALLY MADE IT.
WELL, SOLDIER, JANIE'S DAD IS ONE CAN-DO KIND OF GUY.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SAME GUY.
WELCOME TO GRANDPARENTS' NIGHT.
NOW IF YOU'LL ALL GATHER AROUND, WE'LL GET OUR PROGRAM STARTED.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR MAKEUP?
WE DID IT OURSELVES.
UH-HUH.
AND CAN YOU NOT TALK TO ME AS MY HUSBAND DRESSED AS MY DAD?
IT'S A LITTLE CREEPY. [laughs]
FIRST UP, JANIE HOBBS TO INTRODUCE
HER FABULOUS GRANDPARENTS.
THESE ARE MY GRANDPARENTS,
AND NOTHING ELSE TO SEE HERE.
HOLD ON THERE, LITTLE ONE, THESE NICE FOLKS MIGHT WANT
TO HEAR ABOUT MY EXCITING LIFE IN THE MILITARY.
OR MY LIFE IN SHOW BIZ.
- YEAH. - NO, I THINK WE'RE SET FOR NOW.
JANIE, EARLIER TODAY YOU WERE HOPING YOUR GRANDMOTHER
WOULD SHOW US WHAT A WONDERFUL DANCER SHE IS.
WELL, I DON'T--I PERSONALLY DON'T THINK MY GRANDDAUGHTER
STILL FEELS THAT WAY.
I DON'T.
I REALLY DON'T.
WELL, I'M SURE WE WOULD ALL LOVE A LITTLE DEMONSTRATION.
WOULDN'T WE? - WELL...
WELL, I WOULD BUT I DIDN'T BRING MY MUSIC.
SHE'S GOT A BAD HIP AND EVERYTHING.
- YEAH, THAT. - DON'T WANNA GET INTO ALL THAT.
[playing dance music] - YOU OWE ME.
WELL, THEN TEAR IT UP THERE, LITTLE LADY.
♪
DIRTY DANCING FINALE.
WHAT?
[crowd groaning]
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CATCH ME.
DADDY!
YOU RUINED GRANDPARENTS' NIGHT.
I KNEW IT.
WHO SAW THIS COMING?
MM-HMM, AND YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE CUPCAKES.
I'M SORRY, JANIE.
YOU SHOULD BE, DADDY.
GAWGEE AND GRANDPA USED TO FIGHT ALL THE TIME,
BUT TODAY THEY WERE LAUGHING AND SMILING MORE
THAN THEY EVER DID BEFORE, AND YOU SENT THEM AWAY,
AND NOW THEY MISSED IT,
AND GRANDPARENTS' NIGHT IS RUINED.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YOU'RE HERE!
IN YOUR FACE, CHARLOTTE.
WE WOULD NEVER MISS THIS, SWEETHEART.
AND WE'RE SO SORRY WE HAD YOU WORRIED.
IT'S OKAY. YOU'RE HERE NOW.
AND I'M SORRY TOO.
I...I MAY HAVE OVERREACTED A LITTLE BIT
WHEN I SAW YOU GUYS TOGETHER.
WE BOTH DID.
NOT SO FAST!
I HAVE A GOOD REASON WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE A COUPLE.
- JOE. - LET THE MAN SPEAK, HONEY.
GRANDMA IS NOT SAFE WITH THIS MAN BECAUSE
HE'S AN INTERNATIONAL SPY.
[gasps] A SPY?
SAY NO MORE, I'M CONVINCED. STEP AWAY FROM MY MOTHER.
JOE, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
NO, IT'S TRUE.
JOE AND I HAVE BEEN SURVEILLING THIS MAN,
AND WE HAVE RECORDED HIM SPEAKING WITH
A FEMALE CHINESE INFORMANT.
I'VE DOWNLOADED A TRANSLATOR APP,
AND WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO HEAR
WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON BEHIND OUR BACKS.
HOLD ON, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
[woman on recording speaking Chinese]
[electronic voice] "ARE YOU REALLY BREAKING UP WITH ME?"
[man on recording speaking Chinese]
[electronic voice] "I'M SORRY, BUT I JUST MET
THE WOMAN I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH."
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?
IF YOU'LL HAVE ME.
OH, I'D LOVE TO, EVERETT.
HIS NAME IS EVERETT?
BUT I THINK THIS WHOLE THING
HAS OUR FAMILY A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
MOM, I'VE BEEN SELFISH.
MAJOR, I'VE BEEN SELFISH, AND I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S ALL SO SUDDEN,
YOU KNOW, AND SO WEIRD.
BUT YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
YOU BOTH DO.
MY HALF-BROTHERS DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT, DO THEY?
SO, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW JANIE'S CLASS
HOW IT'S REALLY DONE?
JANIE.
[dance music]
♪