SO YOU AND JOE TAKING A TRIP TOGETHER.
MM-HMM. THAT'S RIGHT--TWO FUN-FILLED DAYS AT SCI-FI CON,
AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO GET IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A GREAT TIME.
YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE DEFINITELY PREPARED.
I MEAN, I GET THE FLASHLIGHT AND THE WHISTLE,
BUT DO YOU REALLY NEED A SHOCK BLANKET
AND A GRAPPLING HOOK?
NO, SHE DOES NOT.
WE'RE STAYING AT A HOTEL, NOT SHIPWRECKED ON AN ISLAND.
OKAY.
MOM, YOU'RE GONNA RUIN THIS TRIP.
OH, COME ON, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
WHO'S READY TO MEET THEIR FAVORITE SUPERHERO,
THE...CLOCK LORD?
OKAY, HE'S THE TIME LORD.
HE'S AN INTERGALACTIC DIMENSION JUMPER
WHO TRAVELS IN HIS COSMIC ELEVATOR.
[laughs] WITH AN ADORABLE BOW TIE.
IT'S NOT ADORABLE. IT'S A WEAPON.
- WELL, THEN YOU'RE ADORABLE. - AAH!
I'LL BE IN THE CAR. - [laughs]
HEY, HOW WAS THE BIRTHDAY PARTY AT THE POTTERY PLACE, HUH?
LOUD!
HOW CAN IT BE LOUD AT A POTTERY PLACE?
[girls screaming]
EIGHTH POTTERY PARTY THIS MONTH,
AND THEY STILL ACT LIKE THEY'VE NEVER SEEN CLAY BEFORE!
AT LEAST IT'S BETTER THAN FUN WORLD.
MM.
OH, HOLD ON, JOE.
SOMEBODY DROPPED THEIR CHOCOLATE PUDDING--
THEY DON'T SELL CHOCOLATE PUDDING IN THIS PLACE!
AAH!
OH, RELAX. YOU MADE IT OUT ALIVE.
- YEAH. - NOW, I'M GOING.
PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND FINISH THESE CHORES LIKE YOU PROMISED.
"REPLACE LIGHTBULB IN CLOSET,
"FIND AND KILL THE BATHROOM SPIDER,
CLEAN THE RAIN GUTTERS."
OKAY, HONEY. I'M ON IT.
HAVE FUN WITH THE TENSE LORD.
THE TIME LORD.
WHATEVER. I'M TALKING ABOUT JOE.
OH, SO I SEE YOU SURVIVED THE POTTERY PLACE.
- [chuckles] BARELY. - IS THIS JANIE'S PLATE?
- UH-HUH. - THIS IS NOT GOOD.
WELL, YEAH, IT'S NO MASTERPIECE, BUT SHE TRIES.
NO, THERE MAY BE A BIGGER PROBLEM HERE.
LOOK HOW SHE'S DRAWN OUR FAMILY. YOU, MOM, ME, JOE...
MM-HMM.
AND THEN SHE'S THIS TINY LITTLE DOT IN THE CORNER.
SO?
DAD, DRAWING ONESELF SO MUCH SMALLER OFTEN INDICATES
FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY AND INSIGNIFICANCE.
[chuckles] YOU GOT ALL THAT FROM A PLATE?
NO, FROM MY PSYCH TEACHER, DR. LUGNER.
HE'S A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST IN FROM GERMANY.
- OH. - HE'S TEACHING OUR CLASS
ABOUT EMOTIONAL DISTRESS THAT GOES UNNOTICED.
OH, WELL, I HATE TO BURST YOUR STRUDEL THERE, YOUNG LADY,
BUT NOTHING IN THIS HOUSE GOES UNNOTICED.
[upbeat music]
♪
- DAD. - HMM?
I THINK I KNOW WHY JANIE FEELS INSIGNIFICANT.
I FOUND OUR MEMORY BOXES...
BURIED UNDER HUNDREDS OF YOURS.
OH, EMILY, LOOK HOW CUTE YOU WERE...
ESPECIALLY BEFORE YOU LEARNED HOW TO TALK.
NOW HERE'S JOE'S.
WHOA. REALLY?
SMALL BABY, BUT A HUGE HEAD.
I SHOULD SEND MOM SOME FLOWERS.
AND HERE IS "BABY GIRL HOBBS."
THIS IS ALL THERE IS DOCUMENTING JANIE'S EXISTENCE.
OH, WAIT. [chuckles] THAT'S ME.
[chuckles] - WHAT?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
[girls laughing]
HOW COULD I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS?
I MEAN, BETWEEN THE--THE-- THE LACK OF VIDEOS AND PHOTOS
AND YOUR HAND-ME-DOWN CLOTHES AND--AND--AND BACKPACK.
HOW YOU ALWAYS INTERRUPT HER WHEN SHE'S--
WELL, IT ENDS RIGHT HERE. THAT'S IT.
I AM GONNA DEDICATE EVERY BREATH THAT I TAKE
TO MAKE SURE THAT "BABY GIRL HOBBS" FEELS SPECIAL.
QUICK TIP--MIGHT WANT TO REFER TO HER AS JANIE.
YES, GOOD POINT. OKAY.
READY? both: YEAH.
[girls laughing]
I LOVE PARTIES AT THE POTTERY PLACE.
BUT IT'S NO FUN WORLD. THAT PLACE IS THE BEST.
WE DON'T SPEAK OF FUN WORLD ANYMORE.
I LOVE YOUR PLATTER.
YEAH, BUT WHY ARE YOU SO SMALL?
I TRIED TO PAINT MY WHOLE FAMILY,
BUT I RAN OUT OF ROOM.
THAT'S BOUND TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE PAINTING A HEAD
AS BIG AS YOUR DAD'S.
OH, COME ON, JOE, I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
I THINK I'M UNDERREACTING.
I JUST WANTED TWO DAYS AT SCI-FI CON.
BUT WE'RE SEVEN HOURS LATE BECAUSE YOU HAD TO SHOP
FOR THE APOCALYPSE.
YOU HAD TO STOP AT COST CLUB TO BUY A CASE OF WATER
AND A SIX-PACK OF SUNSCREEN.
THIS ENTIRE CONVENTION IS INDOORS!
U.V. RAYS CAN GET THROUGH WALLS.
NO, THEY CAN'T!
SWEETIE, I THINK YOU'RE HAVING A LOW-BLOOD-SUGAR MOMENT, OKAY?
I HAVE SOME ENERGY BARS IN MY PURSE.
OF COURSE YOU DO.
AND MAYBE CHECK IF THERE'S A LESS-CRAZY MOTHER IN THERE!
THERE SHE IS, THE GIRL OF THE HOUR!
WHAT YOU UP TO?
COLORING.
AND WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO?
COLORING.
DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M--I'M MAKING A VIDEO OF MY VERY SPECIAL GIRL OVER THERE.
TELL EVERYBODY YOUR NAME.
- JANIE HOBBS. - JANIE HOBBS.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT,
'CAUSE SHE'S THE BEST!
JANIE HOBBS, RIGHT THERE. [laughs]
YES, NAILED IT.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
EVEN FOR YOUR DAD.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY DAD ASKED MY BIG SISTER
A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS ON A VIDEO CAMERA.
NEXT THING WE KNEW, SHE WAS SENT TO GERMANY
TO LIVE WITH ANOTHER FAMILY.
THEY GAVE HER AWAY?
THEY CALL IT "FOREIGN EXCHANGE."
I CALL IT "I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE."
GIVING YOU AWAY DOES SOUND LIKE SOMETHING
YOUR DAD WOULD DO.
- IT DOES? - DON'T WORRY.
BEFORE THEY GAVE MY SISTER AWAY,
THEY GOT HER A NEW COAT, LUGGAGE,
AND THEY EVEN THREW HER A BIG GOOD-BYE PARTY.
WELL, NONE OF THAT'S HAPPENED.
SO, NO PROBLEM.
STILL, KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR DAD.
REALLY?
WHAT EXACTLY AM I LOOKING FOR?
GENERAL SHADINESS.
I BELIEVE HIS TRACK RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.
NEXT STOP--CONVENTION FLOOR.
WHY? IT'S POINTLESS. WE MISSED THE FIRST DAY.
OH, I'M SURE THERE'S STILL TIME
TO GET THAT SPECIAL EDITION POSTER
YOU'RE SO EXCITED ABOUT, HUH? [elevator bell dings]
[excited chatter]
THIS IS THE BEST FIRST DAY SCI-FI CONVENTION EVER!
AND WHO GOT THE LAST SPECIAL EDITION POSTER?
THIS MOTH. HA HA HA.
MARCUS, IS THAT YOU?
NO, I-I AM SUPER MOTH.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS MARCUS BARNES GUY IS.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A FLY?
I AM SUPER MOTH!
FLIES DON'T HAVE ANTENNAS.
DON'T YOU SEE THE GIANT "M" RIGHT HERE, HUH?
YOU KNOW WHAT? [chuckles]
I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU RUIN
THE BEST FIRST DAY CONVENTION EVER--NO, I'M NOT.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, MOM.
OKAY, I FOUND ALL THE GIFTS YOU WANTED FOR JANIE.
PERFECT.
ALL RIGHT, I JUST FINISHED EDITING "THE JANIE HOBBS STORY."
I FILLED IT OUT BY ADDING FOOTAGE I HAD
FROM EMILY AND JOE.
ALL BABIES LOOK ALIKE, RIGHT?
YEAH, UH... NOT WHEN THEY PEE LIKE THAT.
WHOA, YES. GOOD CATCH. ALL RIGHT, SO, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, I MADE UP FOR HER NONEXISTENT PHOTOS.
THE GIFTS MAKE UP FOR THE HAND-ME-DOWNS.
I JUST FEEL LIKE I NEED ONE MORE THING TO MAKE IT...
EXTRA SPECIAL FOR HER.
YEAH, YEAH. UH, WELL, UH, WHAT CHILD DOESN'T LOVE
A LONG, ROCKING EMBRACE FROM THEIR FATHER, RIGHT?
YEAH, Y--LET'S PRACTICE. [laughs]
KEVIN.
YOU KNOW... BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, YEAH?
- OKAY. - YEAH? [laughs]
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, LITTLE GIRLS, GATHER ROUND, HAVE A SEAT.
JANIE, SINCE YOU'RE A BIG GIRL GOING TO SCHOOL,
IT'S TIME THAT YOU TRAVEL IN STYLE.
- WHOA-- - TRAVEL?
WITH LUGGAGE?
PRETTY COOL, HUH? BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE!
HOW ABOUT A BRAND-NEW COAT?
TO KEEP YOU WARM IN THE COLD GERMAN WINTER?
AND TO MAKE YOU FEEL EXTRA SPECIAL,
I AM THROWING YOU A PARTY!
A PARTY?
- AT FUN WORLD! - WHOA!
[laughs]
SHE'S SPEECHLESS. [laughs]
AM I A GREAT DAD OR WHAT? - YEAH.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS GONNA WORK?
I HOPE SO.
SWEETHEART, EITHER MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AROUND HERE,
OR LEARN TO SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH REAL QUICK.
JANIE?
OH, HEY, JANIE, FOR YOUR PARTY, I WAS THI--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MORNING, LOVING FATHER.
I SAW YOUR TO-DO LIST, AND I THOUGHT I COULD HELP.
OH. THAT'S SWEET. OKAY.
A GOOD CLEANER IS A VALUABLE PERSON.
AND YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY...
RIGHT?
HONEY, I THINK PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD
WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU IN THEIR FAMILY.
VOLKSWAGEN!
DAD, I THINK--I THINK SHE'S GETTING WORSE.
YEAH, I KNOW. I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER.
NO, NO, NO. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU CAN'T JUST TALK TO HER. IT COULD TRAUMATIZE HER.
LET ME DEMONSTRATE... KEVIN?
WHAT'S UP?
KEVIN, IS IT FAIR TO SAY
THAT YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENT
TO MY FATHER?
WHAT?
IS IT BECAUSE YOUR OWN FATHER NEVER SHOWED YOU LOVE,
SO YOU PROJECT YOUR OWN PATERNAL AFFECTION ON TO MY FATHER?
WHY WOULD YOU, UM, UH...
[crying] PAPA!
GOOD CALL.
UH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
HOLD THE DOOR. I FORGOT MY HAND SANITIZER.
- UGH. - AMY, THERE IS NOT ENOUGH
HAND SANITIZER IN THE WORLD
TO DISINFECT A SCI-FI CONVENTION.
MOM, PLEASE.
JUST GO. I'LL--I'LL MEET YOU IN THE LOBBY.
MARCUS.
THAT'S THE TIME LORD,
THE REAL ONE, FROM THE SHOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. YOU'RE THE TIME LORD.
YES, I AM.
AND REMEMBER, WHATEVER TIME YOU'RE IN...
both: MAKE SURE YOU USE IT WISELY.
THAT GOES FOR FLIES TOO.
I MEAN, YOU GUYS ONLY GET... ONE DAY TO LIVE.
[both laugh]
I'M--I'M NOT A FLY.
I CAME HERE ESPECIALLY TO SEE YOUR PANEL DISCUSSION.
THEN I SHALL SEE YOU THERE.
WILL YOU ASSIST ME IN MY TRAVELS
AND PRESS THE MEZZANINE BUTTON ON OUR COSMIC ELEVATOR?
OH, YOU GOT IT, THE TIME LORD.
IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE HE TRAVELS IN A COSMIC ELEVATOR.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I GET IT. I GET IT.
[electricity crackles]
WHAT THE WHAT?
I-I THINK WE STOPPED.
THIS IS UNFORTUNATE.
I'M A SMIDGE CLAUSTROPHOBIC...
AND UNTIL WE CONTINUE OUR FANTASTIC JOURNEY
TO THE MEZZANINE, I'LL BE IN THE CORNER
PRACTICING MY TIBETAN CALMING RITUAL.
[crying]
HEY, I THINK YOUR TIME LORD IS CRYING.
IT'S A CALMING RITUAL.
[sobbing]
[triumphant music, applause]
WELL, I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THE "LIFE OF JANIE HOBBS" VIDEO.
ALTHOUGH ONLY 40 SECONDS LONG,
I-I FEEL IT FULLY REPRESENTS WHAT A WONDERFUL CHILD SHE IS.
[applause] - WELL, THERE IT IS.
HE DEFINITELY WANTS TO SELL YOU.
ARE YOU SURE?
HELLO? THE MAN MADE A COMMERCIAL.
DR. LUGNER, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH
FOR COMING HERE TO TALK TO JANIE.
UNFORTUNATELY, I WASN'T ABLE TO MAKE A COMPLETE ANALYSIS
BASED ON YOUR IN-DEPTH 40-SECOND TRIBUTE.
AND PER YOUR REQUEST, YOU'RE ABLE TO OBSERVE HER
IN A SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT.
AND AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION,
HERE ARE SOME TOKENS.
[laughing]
OH.
YOUR DAD'S TALKING TO A GERMAN GUY.
THAT'S GOT TO BE THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE MAN.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT A FIGHT.
A PHOTO BOOTH.
YOU GUYS THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
both: OH, YEAH.
- WHAT IS SHE THINKING? - NO IDEA.
MR. HOBBS, WHILE I'M HAPPY TO SHARE MY INSIGHTS,
PLEASE UNDERSTAND I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO TAKE HER ON
AS A REGULAR PATIENT. - NO, WE UNDERSTAND.
WE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
IT'S JUST THAT I-I NEED SOME ADVICE TO HELP HER
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
AT SIX YEARS OLD, THERE'S STILL TIME.
[crying] WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TAKE ME
TO THE ARCADE, PAPA?
THAT IS TOO LATE.
FIND THE AIR!
I DON'T GET IT.
ON THE SHOW, HE'S ALWAYS CALM AND COLLECTED.
AND IRONICALLY, HE'S ALWAYS TRAVELING IN AN ELEVATOR.
A COSMIC ELEVATOR! [breathing heavily]
AND FYI, IT ONLY HAS THREE SIDES,
YOU KNOW, FOR THE CAMERA AND THE CREW
AND KELLY, WHO BRINGS ME MY CHAI TEA LATTE.
I REALLY NEED A CHAI TEA LATTE!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT-- I'M STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR
WITH THE SCI-FI DAVID HOBBS.
THIS IS--
I THINK HE HAS LOW BLOOD SUGAR.
MY MOM HAS JUICE BOXES.
UM...THE TIME LORD, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE A JUICE BOX?
[slurping]
AHH. AHH.
NOW I HAVE TO TINKLE.
JANIE!
SWEETHEART, WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, UH, PHOTO BOOTH--CUTE.
UM, UH, DR. LUGNER HERE, SWEETHEART,
WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
UM, HE'S COME A LONG WAY TO MEET YOU, SO...
JUST BE YOURSELF.
SHALL WE HAVE UN CHAT?
WHATEVS.
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?
SETTING FIRES,
BITING PEOPLE,
KNOCKING STUFF OVER.
THAT FEELS GOOD.
JANIE, I AM HERE TO HELP YOU.
THEN SET UP MORE CUPS.
SEE? I'M A BAD GIRL.
YOU DON'T WANT ME. NOBODY WOULD WANT ME.
I SEE.
EXCUSE ME.
DOCTOR, UH, HOW BAD IS SHE?
I KNOW WHAT I SAID EARLIER ABOUT MY SCHEDULE.
HOWEVER, HER INSECURITIES ARE STAGGERING,
AND SHE NEEDS MY HELP.
I'LL TAKE HER!
[gasps]
UH...
TIME LORD, HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?
HOW DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING?
YOUR HERO JUST MADE A TEE-TEE BEHIND A SHOCK BLANKET.
I MISJUDGED.
YOUR MOTHER'S CANTEEN IS A LITTLE TOO SMALL!
UH...
I'LL SEE IF I HAVE A BIGGER ONE--
STOP TALKING! YOU'RE USING ALL THE AIR!
TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR THE TIME LORD!
DUDE IS STILL TRIPPING. YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING, JOE.
T-TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
OKAY, I-I HAVE AN IDEA.
REACH INTO MY MOM'S BAG.
GRAB HER--HER FLASHLIGHT, WHISTLE, MORSE CODE GUIDE AND--
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS, BUT HER GRAPPLING HOOK.
MAN, I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT YOUR MOTHER HAS A--
OH, WOW. A GRAPPLING HOOK!
DAD, I CAN'T FIND JANIE.
SHE MUST BE HIDING IN THE PLAY STRUCTURE.
I'M NOT SURPRISED. SHE'S IN A VERY DELICATE STATE.
CAN YOU BLAME HER?
SHE KNOWS YOU'RE GIVING HER AWAY TO THIS GERMAN DUDE.
I'M WHAT?
COME ON.
YOUR VIDEO SALES PITCH, THE TRAVEL LUGGAGE,
THIS FAREWELL PARTY?
YOU'RE CLEARLY GOING TO FOREIGN-EXCHANGE HER.
NO, I'M NOT.
NOW, WHERE WOULD SHE GET THAT IDEA FROM, CHARLOTTE?
RUN!
EXCUSE ME.
"DON'T TALK TO HER, DAD. YOU'LL TRAUMATIZE HER.
BRING IN MY GERMAN GUY."
[grunting mockingly]
RUN!
[sighs] MY WORST NIGHTMARE.
GOING THROUGH THE PUDDING TUBES?
NO, JANIE THINKING THAT I'M GIVING HER AWAY.
- OH, RIGHT. - BUT GOING THROUGH
PUDDING TUBES IS RIGHT UP THERE.
[elevator bell dings]
[applause]
OH, MY BOYS ARE SAFE.
THIS YOUNG MAN
BRAVELY SCALED UP TO THE ACCESS PANEL,
SIGNALED FOR HELP, AND SAVED THE DAY.
[cheers and applause]
I'D BE HONORED IF YOU WOULD BE MY V.I.P. GUEST...
- [gasps] - AT TONIGHT'S PANEL AND DINNER.
OH, I'LL BE THERE.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, MY MOTH FRIEND?
IT IS THE HOTTEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN--THE FLAME.
YOU KNOW I CAN'T RESIST. [chuckles]
WOW, HONEY. YOU'RE A HERO, JOE!
NO, MOM, YOU AND YOUR PURSE ARE THE HEROES.
REALLY?
I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU SUCH A HARD TIME
ABOUT BEING OVERLY PREPARED.
TURNS OUT, THE STUFF IN YOUR PURSE SAVED US.
I'M REALLY GLAD WE TOOK THIS TRIP TOGETHER.
MM. ME TOO.
OH, SWEETIE. - UH...
SORRY ABOUT YOUR CANTEEN.
JANIE? COME ON, HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU?
WE NEED TO TALK.
OOH, STICKY.
[grunts]
ANIMALS!
[sneezes]
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
UNLESS THERE'S A CHEESE SHOP UP AHEAD, THAT IS NOT GOOD.
JANIE? - I DON'T WANT TO GO TO GERMANY.
JANIE...
HONEY, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU,
AND I WOULD NEVER SEND YOU AWAY?
BUT THE LUGGAGE AND THE GOOD-BYE PARTY.
THAT WAS JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL.
BUT, DADDY, YOU MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL EVERY DAY.
SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA SEND ME AWAY?
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, AND I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I PROMISE.
IT'S ONLY PUDDING! IT'S ONLY--
- OH, HEY. - AAH!