COME ON, DAVID, IT'S MY FIRST MOVIE.
THE STUDIO WANTS YOU TO DO IT.
I WANT YOU TO DO IT. YOU GOTTA DO IT!
MARCUS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I PROMISED THE KIDS THAT MY PLACE WAS HERE WITH THEM.
OKAY, GUYS?
HONEY, DOING A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER
HAS BEEN YOUR DREAM.
EVERY TIME WE SEE ONE, YOU ALWAYS SAY
IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH YOU IN IT.
WE ALL KNOW THAT ANY MOVIE WITH ME IN IT
WOULD BE A BETTER MOVIE. THAT'S JUST SCIENCE.
BUT, DADDY, YOU COULD BE IN A MOVIE.
JUST LIKE KUNG FU PANDA OR MORGAN FREEMAN.
GUYS, DAD HAS MADE HIS DECISION.
HE'S STAYING WITH US. RESPECT IT.
- THANK YOU, EMILY. - CO-STARRING TEEN HEARTTHROB
NICK BANNER.
NICK BANNER? DAD! HE'S THE BEST ACTOR EVER!
YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! [gasps]
IMAGINE IF I GOT A SELFIE WITH HIM LOOKING AT ME ADORINGLY.
[giggles]
HE'S NOT THAT GOOD OF AN ACTOR.
LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M NOT GONNA GO TO NEW YORK
AND FILM A MOVIE FOR FIVE WEEKS WITHOUT YOU.
FIVE WEEKS?
I MEAN, FIVE WEEKS?
MAYBE WE CAN GO WITH YOU.
OH, WE CAN GO WITH YOU?
I MEAN, WE CAN GO WITH YOU?
COME ON, MAN. YOU CAN EVEN TAKE THE KIDS TO THE SET!
YEAH, DAD! YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE THERE.
- COME ON! - WE'LL HAVE SO MUCH FUN!
- YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! - WHOA, WHOA.
FIRST OF ALL, ON A MOVIE SET, YOU'VE GOT TO BE QUIET.
[whispering] WE'D HAVE SO MUCH FUN!
[whispering] YOU GOTTA DO THIS!
THERE'S ALSO A ROLE FOR AMY!
LOOK, THE STUDIO WANTS ME TO REWRITE THE ENDING
WHILE WE FILM.
SO I'M GONNA IMMERSE MYSELF IN THE UNDERBELLY OF THE CITY.
AND, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I COULD SHOOT THE "MAKING OF"?
YOU KNOW, BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE,
DOCUMENT YOUR EVERY MOVE.
YOU MEAN, KIND OF LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW?
OKAY, YEAH, I ADMIT IT.
I USE THE FOOTAGE FOR MY BLOG "GOBS OF HOBBS."
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
I CAN BE A GREAT DAD AND A MOVIE STAR, OKAY?
- YES! - SO WE ARE GOING TO NEW YORK.
[cheering]
[upbeat music]
♪
AND ACTION!
YO, FRANK, LET'S ROCK...
AND ROLL.
I DRIVE, ROOKIE.
YAY, DADDY!
- SHH! - CUT!
WHO ARE YOU KIDS?
OKAY, LET'S GO AGAIN, PLEASE.
SWEETIE, QUIET VOICES ON THE SET, REMEMBER?
I'M ON IT.
AND ACTION.
[quietly] SWEETIE, WHEN DADDY'S WORKING,
WE HAVE TO BE SUPER QUIET. [cell phone ringing]
SORRY!
OKAY! ONE MORE TIME!
SO WE'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN?
NO, NO, I CAN'T GO AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
I'VE LOST MY CHARACTER.
CHAZ! CHAZ MCQUEEN? WHERE ARE YOU?
WE'RE NOT GOING AGAIN?
HEY, SORRY ABOUT THE PHONE THING.
BUT YOU THINK YOU COULD INTRODUCE ME TO NICK NOW?
YOU KNOW...
I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD TIME, SWEETHEART.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
DAD, I'M HUNGRY. CAN YOU MAKE ME A SANDWICH?
YOU KNOW WHAT? RIGHT OVER THERE IS CRAFT SERVICE.
YOU CAN GET ANYTHING YOU WANT.
- ANYTHING? - ANYTHING.
[heavenly choir] ♪ AH
I'M HOME.
HEY, DAVID,
HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW RIG?
RIGHT? ALL HIGH DEF, ANAMORPHIC LENSES,
STREAMING WIRELESSLY TO MY COMPUTER.
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE, KEVIN. YOU GOT ANY GOOD FOOTAGE?
NO, NOT YET. I CAN'T REACH REALLY THE "ON" BUTTON.
IT'S JUST, I THINK IT'S--
AROUND--YEP.
[buzz] OH! OOH!
THANK YOU.
AW, FRANKIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GONER.
I'M SORRY I SAID YOU'RE A LOW-LIFE TWO-BIT
HAS-BEEN COP.
YOU MAY BE MY EX-HUSBAND, BUT YOU'RE STILL MY HERO.
AND SHE KISSES HIM ON THE BANDAGE.
EWWW!
CAN I MEET YOUR DOG?
SURE. BUT REX IS A TRAINED ANIMAL ACTOR.
HE DOESN'T RESPOND TO EVERYONE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
MOST BIG HOLLYWOOD ACTORS WOULDN'T SHAKE.
[giggles] NOW, THAT'S MORE HOLLYWOOD.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GONER!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GONER.
- AMY? - MY SCENE UP? OH, PERFECT.
I'M PEAKING. IT'S NOW OR NEVER.
THEY MOVED YOU TO TOMORROW.
TOMORROW'S GOOD.
OH, DAVID, GUESS WHAT?
YOU HEART NEW YORK?
HA HA! YOU BET.
AND I THINK I HAVE MY ENDING.
- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.
YOU AND CHAZ CHASE DE CAMPO
TO THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
- I'M LISTENING. - OKAY.
THERE, YOU GET BITTEN BY A SPIDER.
THE NEXT DAY, YOU HAVE WEBBING SHOOTING OUT OF YOUR WRISTS!
WAIT FOR IT...
AND YOU'RE ABLE TO SWING FROM BUILDING TO BUILDING,
SAVING THE CITY.
BOOM!
LET ME GUESS. SPIDER COP?
[imitates web slinging noises]
THANK YOU. WHAT IS THAT? YOU JUST MADE IT SOUND STUPID.
I WORKED ON THIS ALL DAY LONG...
ROLL OVER, REX. ROLL OVER.
LIKE THIS!
- HOBBS. JASON HERVEY. - OH, HEY.
I'M WITH THE STUDIO.
- WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. - BIG FAN OF YOURS.
GOOD KIDS TOO, BY THE WAY. LISTEN,
I GOTTA TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING,
ONE THING. YOU CAN'T FORGET IT.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT. [phone ringing]
OH, BIGGER NAME. SORRY.
DON'T FORGET WHAT I TOLD YOU, HOBBS.
HI...
BIGGER THAN ME?
NO PICTURES ALLOWED ON THE SET.
OH, NICK'S MY GOOD FRIEND. HE WON'T MIND.
YEAH, JUST CHECK OUT MY INSTAGRAM PAGE.
EVERYTHING THERE IS TRUE.
AND ACTION!
DAD!
OKAY, IT WAS GOOD FOR ME.
CUT.
"THE BUILDING'S SURROUNDED, DE CAMPO.
YOU CAN COME QUIETLY--"
DADDY?
I HAD BAD DREAMS. CAN YOU READ ME A STORY?
YES, OF COURSE. NO PROBLEM.
GET OVER HERE. COME ON.
YOUR DAD'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING NOW.
DAVID, YOU HAVE TO BE ON SET EARLY.
LET ME TAKE CARE OF THIS.
OH, NO, HONEY. YOU WERE ALREADY ASLEEP.
I TOLD YOU IF I WAS GONNA DO THIS,
I COULD STILL BE A FULL-- - OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A VERY HANDSOME PRINCE
NAMED DETECTIVE FRANK HARDWARE,
WHO WAS PLACED ON ADMINISTRATIVE LEAVE
FOR PLAYING BY HIS OWN RULES.
[knocking at door] OH, HOLD ON, SWEETIE.
BUT IT WAS JUST GETTING GOOD!
- OH, HEY, NICK. - CAN I COME IN?
YEAH, WELL, I'M KIND OF
STUDYING MY LINES HERE, YOU KNOW?
NO, I UNDERSTAND.
I'LL JUST, UM... I'LL WAIT RIGHT HERE.
[crying]
I'M RUINING THIS MOVIE. AH! I'M RUINING THIS MOVIE.
DAD, I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
YEAH, WELL, YOU ATE YOUR WEIGHT IN CREAM PUFFS, JOE.
OKAY?
LOOK, GUYS, WE GOT A LOT TO DO TOMORROW.
WE GOT A BUSY DAY.
IT'S LATE. CAN WE ALL JUST GO TO SLEEP, PLEASE?
"AND THEN FRANK AND CHAZ RAN AND RAN AND RAN,
UNTIL FINALLY TACKLING THE BAD GUY."
AND THEN THEY TALK... AND THEY TALK...
AND THEY TALK AND THEY--
MAN, THIS MOVIE REALLY DOES NEED A NEW ENDING.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING UP?
AAH!
[shrieks]
[screaming]
[camera clicking]
WE GOT YOU, DE CAMPO.
THESE PICTURES ARE GONNA PUT YOU AWAY FOR LIFE.
RIGHT, FRANK?
[click]
FRANK?
DAVID?
CUT!
DAVID, OF ALL THE TIMES I'VE WATCHED YOU SLEEP,
I'VE NEVER HAD TO SHARE YOU WITH A CROWD BEFORE.
THAT WAS WEIRD. [chuckles]
YOU WATCH ME SLEEP?
COFFEE?
DAVE, I HAVE THE PERFECT ENDING.
LISTEN. FRANK AND CHAZ CHASE DE CAMPO
INTO THE BOWELS OF THE SUBWAY.
- OKAY. GO ON-- - OKAY, OKAY.
WHERE HE'S OVERCOME
BY A RADIOACTIVE LIQUID. WAIT FOR IT!
IT TURNS HIM INTO A PIZZA-LOVING,
HARD-SHELLED REPTILE WHO KNOW KUNG-FU.
HMM? SAVES THE DAY.
YEAH. YOU CAN CALL IT, UH...
MIDDLE-AGED MUTANT NINJA COPS.
YOU KNOW, YOUR-- YOUR MOCKING TONE IS, LIKE,
KILLING MY CREATIVE SPIRIT.
YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF, MAN, ALL RIGHT?
- ACTION! - [gasps]
AW, MY GOD, FRANKIE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GONER!
CUT!
AMY, GREAT WORK. GREAT SCENE.
BUT PENNY ASKED ME TO MAKE A MINOR TWEAK
TO YOUR SCENE TO HEIGHTEN THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT.
OH! EMOTIONAL IMPACT.
- SOMETHING NEW. - OH, GOOD!
OKAY.
AND ACTION!
AW, CONNIE. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU.
LOOK AT WHAT DE CAMPO DID TO YOU!
- [muffled speech] - I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GONER.
[grunts]
- YOU MAY BE MY EX-WIFE-- - [grunting]
BUT YOU'RE STILL MY HERO.
[grunts]
I TOLD YOU I'D NEVER LET YOU SEE ME CRY.
[grunts]
CUT!
EXCUSE ME.
I'M SURE YOU GET THIS ALL THE TIME,
BUT ALL MY FRIENDS THINK YOU'RE SUPER CUTE,
AND I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A PICTURE WITH YOU.
UH...SURE.
- HEY, WHAT DID I TELL YOU? - OH!
YO, DE CAMPO. HERE WE ARE.
CUT!
WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH THIS TIME?
SORRY. [giggles]
ACTION.
YO, DE CAMPO. HERE WE ARE.
YOU PROBABLY HEARD THAT WE PLAY
BY OUR OWN SET OF RULES.
SO TELL US WHO YOU WORK FOR
OR THIS DOG'S GONNA PLAY FETCH WITH YOUR FACE.
I'M NOT TALKING!
AND GET THAT BEAST AWAY FROM ME!
LET'S GO, REX! GET HIM!
- YAY! - CUT!
OKAY, EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP!
THIS IS THE BIG STUNT.
THERE CAN BE NO MISTAKES.
WE CAN ONLY DO IT ONCE!
SO YOU'LL GO WHEN I SIGNAL.
I HAVE TO PEE,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE STUNT.
DO I HAVE TIME?
- ABSOLUTELY. - PROBABLY NOT.
- JUST GO. - SHOULD I GO OR NOT?
- WHATEVER. - HOLD IT.
JUST GO.
BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
GO! JUST GO!
[tires screeching]
WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND HAVE MORE KIDS?
- KEVIN? - ARE YOU OKAY?
WELL, ONE MINUTE I WAS INTERVIEWING THE STUNT DRIVER,
AND THE NEXT I WAS FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.
BUT LUCKILY, THERE WERE SIX PIECES OF JAGGED METAL
TO BREAK MY FALL.
[laughing]
DAD, I'M SORRY.
[sighs] ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
SPEAKING OF ACCIDENTS, STILL GOTTA GO HERE!
EM, HELP YOUR SISTER OUT. YOUR FATHER AND I NEED TO TALK.
SURE.
I'LL GO CHECK ON THE QUICHES.
I MEAN, KEVIN.
WELL, HONEY, WE SAW THIS COMING.
NAW, I MEAN, YOU KNOW THE OLD ADAGE.
IT'S NOT A FAMILY VACATION
UNTIL SOMEBODY DRIVES A CAR THROUGH A PLATE-GLASS WINDOW.
OH, SWEETIE.
YOU'RE A GREAT ACTOR,
AN AMAZING FATHER,
BUT A MOVIE SET IS NO PLACE FOR KIDS.
LOOK, TOMORROW I'LL TAKE THEM HOME.
WHAT--IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE, RIGHT?
DADDY! HELP ME!
- WHAT? - I'LL HELP YOU PACK.
WE START IN THE CAR, DAVID.
OKAY. THANK YOU.
- MY DOCUMENTARY'S A DISASTER. - OH!
KEVIN, HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING
ABOUT SNEAKING INTO MOVIE CARS?
I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS ANYMORE, DAVID.
I'VE SHOT HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF FILM
AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.
SO YOU KNOW, START SPREADING THE NEWS,
'CAUSE IF I CAN'T MAKE IT HERE,
I CAN'T MAKE IT ANYWHERE.
I CAN'T DO THIS, DAVID.
IT SEEMS LIKE ALL MY ENDINGS HAVE BEEN DONE BEFORE.
WHAT, UH--
OKAY, LET ME GUESS. YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, DAVID!
[wailing]
CHAZ IS GONE, AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK.
MY NAME'S NOT EVEN NICK BANNER. IT'S GLEN TISHMAN.
I'M NO ACTOR.
AND I'M NO FILMMAKER.
I'M NOT A WRITER!
WELL, I'M A GREAT ACTOR.
I'M A HORRIBLE FATHER.
[all sobbing] NO, PLEASE, PLEASE,
FOR THE LOVE-- DON'T DO THIS.
[phone ringing]
HELLO. HEY, EMILY, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
FINE. MOM JUST NEEDED MONEY, SO WE WENT BACK TO THE BANK.
AND WE JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD-BYE AGAIN.
all: WE LOVE YOU.
OH. THANK YOU, SWEETHEART. I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT.
ANYWAY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE
THESE TWO CLOWNS IN LINE IN FRONT OF US.
[chuckles] WHAT, TWO IDIOTS
WITH COFFEE CANS FULL OF PENNIES?
NO. REAL CLOWNS.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND!
THIS IS A HOLD-UP!
OH, NO, DAD! THEY'RE NOT CLOWNS.
THEY'RE ROBBING THE BANK!
WAIT, WHAT?
HELP US, DADDY!
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
EVERYBODY, BUCKLE UP.
AMY AND THE KIDS ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROBBERY.
WHAT? WELL, SHOULDN'T WE CALL THE POLICE?
WE ARE THE POLICE.
[tires screeching]
[siren wailing]
HEY, DAVID, I'M NOT SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.
I HAVE TO SAVE MY FAMILY, MARCUS!
OKAY. I HAVE TICKETS TO SEE KINKY BOOTS,
BUT I GUESS THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.
[tires screeching]
DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID AND NO ONE GETS HURT!
OH, GREAT. NOW ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS DOING SOMETHING STUPID
WHERE EVERYBODY GETS HURT.
YOU KNOW, FOR A CLOWN, YOU'RE NOT VERY FUNNY!
[giggles]
OKAY, THAT'S FUNNY.
[siren wailing]
YOU! TIE UP THE GUARD!
WITH WHAT?
DAVE, COULD YOU PLEASE SLOW DOWN?
I'M GETTING-- I'M GETTING CAR SICK OVER HERE.
SUCK IT UP, GLEN. MY FAMILY NEEDS ME!
[tires screeching]
STAY HERE.
GOOD--GOOD THINKIN'!
I'LL FEED THE METER. ANYONE HAVE CHANGE?
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO CLOWNS!
FUN TIME'S OVER. PLACE IS SURROUNDED.
HE MADE IT!
YO, FRANK. LET'S ROCK. AND ROLL.
WHO THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS?
WE'RE TWO OF NEW YORK'S FINEST.
AND WE PLAY BY OUR OWN RULES.
SO WHY DON'T YOU LET THESE PEOPLE GO, HUH?
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
- YES, IT IS. - NO, IT'S NOT.
THAT'S NOT A VERY GOOD PLAN.
I KNOW IT'S NOT.
FYI, DAVID, YOU ONLY HAVE 15 MINUTES
BEFORE YOU GET A PARKING TICKET,
AND THE CLOCK IS TICKING.
DAVID? HEY, ISN'T THAT DAVID HOBBS?
AND THAT MOVIE ACTOR, NICK BANNER?
- NO WAY. - I KNOW, RIGHT?
MOM, THEY LOVE DAD.
ARE YOU KIDDING? I LOVE DAVID HOBBS!
OMG!
- HUH! - NICK BANNER?
OH, I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN. I'M TALKING HUGE!
FUHGET ABOUT IT!
OH, MY FAMILY LOVES SEE DAD RUN.
MINE, TOO.
SO, WHY'D YOU QUIT?
WELL, I QUIT TO, UH, I QUIT TO BE A REAL--
TO BE A REAL DAD.
GOOD FOR YOU.
HEY, EXCUSE ME, BANK ROBBER.
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT A CRIME TO COMMIT,
BUT WOULD YOU MIND IF THE KIDS AND I COULD GET A PICTURE?
ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
MAKE IT QUICK.
OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY NICE.
RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, YOUNG LADY.
ALL RIGHT.
READY. [click]
ALL RIGHT, ONE FOR SAFETY!
- YEAH. - OH, YEAH.
[click]
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, HEY, YOU GUYS,
WOULD YOU LIKE A PICTURE TOO?
DON'T BE SHY. both: NAH, WE--OKAY!
COME ON! NICK BANNER.
- JUST ONE. - THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
THE FLASH IS ON IF YOU DON'T-- - RIGHT.
- HOW YOU DOING? - HEY.
[all chatting] - ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY, YOU READY? - ONE, TWO--
EVERYBODY SAY...
BUSTED! - HEY! WAIT! GIVE ME THAT--
HEY! HEY! HEY!
TELL ME YOU ARE GETTING THAT.
YEAH, EVERY FRAME!
[patrons whimpering, screaming]
HOO...WAH!
[laughing]
YOU KNOW WHAT FITS MORE CLOWNS THAN YOUR TINY CAR?
JAIL.
FRANK, THIS CLOCK'S TICKING! THIS PLACE IS GONNA BLOW!
EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE!
[patrons screaming]
SO HOW'D I DO, FRANK?
WE STILL PARTNERS?
YOU CAN BANK ON IT.
all: OOOH!
- OH-HO-HO! - CONGRATULATIONS, KEVIN!
YOUR FIRST SCREEN CREDIT!
THANK YOU. I AM NOW THE GO-TO CLOWN GUY. YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT. ANY OFFERS?
YEAH, ACTUALLY, I JUST GOT HIRED
TO DIRECT A NEW PILOT ABOUT CLOWNS
CALLED, RICKLES, TICKLES, PICKLES, AND DESHAWN.
YEAH.
EMILY, CAN WE SEE YOUR SELFIE WITH NICK AGAIN?
FINE. LAST TIME.
[kids laughing, chattering]
YOU GOT CLOWN BOMBED.
MARCUS, THE MOVIE WAS AWESOME.
AND THE ENDING WAS AMAZING.
WELL, THANK YOU. THE STUDIO THINKS SO, TOO.
THEY OFFERED US TWO SEQUELS ALREADY.
PARTNERS TWO: THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL.
AND PARTNERS THREE: I SAID IT WAS PERSONAL!
BAM!
- REALLY? - WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
HE HASN'T SAID A THING!
DAD...
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL US?
OH, YEAH, GUYS, I'M SORRY.
I, UM, I BURNT THE CHICKEN, SO I MADE BURGERS.
DAVID, THE MOVIE. THE SEQUELS.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW IT'S THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME.
BUT I ALREADY HAVE THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME.
BEING YOUR HUSBAND AND BEING YOUR DAD.
ON OUR SHOW, THAT WOULD'VE EARNED YOU A "AWWW."
all: AWWWWW.
[laughter]
UH, DAD?
NO, NO, NO. DON'T RUIN THE MOMENT, JOE.
OKAY.