OOH. LOOK WHAT'S FOR DINNER.
A PINK, FOUR-FOOT HOAGIE.
- DAD, STOP. - [giggling]
DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD.
SHE'S PLANKING.
YOU'RE PLANKING?
IN MY DAY, WE CALLED THAT NAPPING.
IN YOUR DAY, THEY DIDN'T HAVE VIRAL VIDEOS.
IF THIS THING TAKES OFF, WE COULD MAKE A TON OF MONEY.
CHA-CHING.
OOH, AND I'VE HAD MY EYE ON SOMETHING.
FROM THE ACTUAL SHOOTING SET OF HARRY POTTER,
A COLLECTOR'S BOX OF GRAVEL.
AND DR. MONKEY CHUNKS NEEDS A NEW STEP-A-COPE.
LOOK, I ADMIRE THE WORK ETHIC, GUYS,
AND IF YOU COULD FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE MONEY
BY LAYING DOWN, LET ME KNOW.
THANKS.
"STEP-A-COPE"? - LET IT GO.
- HEY, DAD. - HEY.
EMILY, HOW WAS SCHOOL?
GOOD, I GOT A PART IN THE PLAY
AND AN "A" ON MY ENGLISH PAPER.
WAIT, WHAT?
I GOT AN "A" ON MY PAPER.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. GO BACK.
I GOT A PART IN THE PLAY?
REALLY? WOW!
EMILY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
ONE OF MY KIDS IS GOING TO FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS.
THIS IS FANTASTIC. WHAT'S THE PLAY?
OH, I'M SURE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT.
BATTLE SCA--
BATTLE SCARS: THE JIMMY BURNS STORY?
YEAH.
EMILY, I AUDITIONED FOR THAT PLAY IN HIGH SCHOOL.
MY ENTIRE JUNIOR YEAR, I LIVED AND BREATHED JIMMY BURNS.
"MY NAME IS JIMMY BURNS, AND I WENT OFF TO WAR
"TO FIGHT THE NORTHERN DEVIL.
"AND WHEN I CAME HOME, I HAD ME A CHANCE AT A NEW LIFE
WITH MY BEAUTIFUL NURSE VICTORIA."
WOW.
- UH-HUH.
I AM SURE YOU WERE GREAT.
YEAH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN.
I DIDN'T GET THE PART.
OH, NO.
TEDDY JOSEFEK STOLE IT.
MR. SENIOR. MR. I-GET-EVERYTHING.
IT'S OKAY, I'VE MOVED ON.
I CAN SEE THAT.
CAN I GO?
YEAH, WAIT, NO, WAIT, WAIT, W-WAIT.
WHAT PART DID YOU GET? VICTORIA?
BECAUSE YOU'RE PERFECT FOR IT.
NO.
HER EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED SISTER, AMELIA?
NOPE.
I'M SCREAMING/FAINTING LADY NUMBER TWO.
WOW.
- YEAH.
I--OOH. SO, SO PROUD OF YOU.
EMILY. SUPER PROUD.
THANKS.
HEY, BABE.
YEAH, HELLO, WIFE.
WHAT'S WRONG?
EMILY GOT A PART IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.
- [gasps] - THAT'S AWESOME!
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY.
THE HOBBS LEGACY LIVES ON.
SHE'S SCREAMING/FAINTING LADY NUMBER TWO.
- OUR DAUGHTER'S AN EXTRA? - OH!
[sobs]
[upbeat music]
♪
OH, THIS MUST BE SO DEVASTATING FOR HER.
I MEAN, SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE OKAY BEING AN EX--
BEING AN EX--
I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN SAY THE WORD.
HEY, SOME OF OUR GREATEST ACTORS WERE
BACKGROUND PERFORMERS BEFORE THEY WERE STARS, OKAY?
HARRISON FORD, ME, MEG RYAN, BRAD PITT.
- WAIT, WHAT? - MEG RYAN, BRAD PITT--
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO. NO, NO, NO.
NO, GO BACK. GO BACK.
- HM? - YOU?
YES, I WAS.
I STARTED IN COMMERCIALS AS A BACKGROUND ARTIST.
SO SHE GETS THIS FROM YOU!
I WAS ABLE TO HONE MY SKILLS AS AN ACTOR, OKAY?
FOR INSTANCE, HOW TO WAVE TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T THERE.
OR HOW TO FAKE TALK IN THE BACKGROUND.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I'M MARRIED TO ANYMORE.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
HEY, HEY, HEY. WHAT'S UP?
WAIT FOR IT.
I DON'T SEE WHY THIS IS FUNNY.
[mimicking] I DON'T SEE WHY THIS IS FUNNY.
I'M SERIOUS. GAME'S OVER.
[mimicking] I'M SERIOUS. GAME'S OVER!
PLEASE, MAKE HER STOP.
[mimicking] PLEASE, MAKE HER STOP.
LET ME GUESS, THIS IS CALLED "KEVIN-ING"?
THIS IS VIRAL VIDEO GOLD.
YOUR KIDS ARE CRAZY!
[mimicking] YOUR KIDS ARE CRAZY!
THIS HAS TO BE SOUL-CRUSHING FOR EMILY.
I MEAN, THIS-- THIS IS AWFUL.
THIS IS AWESOME!
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BE AN EXTRA.
GENIUS.
I'M SO PSYCHED.
I'M SO UPSET.
FOR HER.
WELL, OF COURSE WE'RE UPSET.
WE'RE OUTRAGED. WE'RE FURIOUS.
FOR HER.
SHE'S PROBABLY DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW
CRYING ON MARY'S SHOULDER, SAYING,
"I HAVE NO LINES. NOTHING TO DO.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SCREAM AND FAINT."
I HAVE NO LINES!
NOTHING TO DO EXCEPT SCREAM AND FAINT.
AND GET YOUR FLIRT ON WITH JIMMY BURNS.
AKA MATTHEW PEARSON.
TALK ABOUT SCREAMING AND FAINTING, GIRL.
BEST THING EVER!
WORST THING EVER.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? - HM?
I CAN GO DOWN THERE AND TALK TO THE DIRECTOR.
MAYBE GET HER A JUICIER PART.
MMM, DO WE REALLY WANT TO BE THOSE PARENTS?
NO, WE DON'T WANT TO BE THOSE PARENTS.
WE ARE THOSE PARENTS.
SO YOU, YOU'LL GET HER A... SPEAKING ROLE?
YEAH. I'M THINKING THE LEAD.
WELCOME TO US.
I KNEW I FELT PARENT ENERGY BEHIND ME.
NO PARENTS ALLOWED UNTIL PARENT VOLUNTEER DAYS START.
MAMMA MIA, KISS ME KATE!
DAVID HOBBS!
YEAH, THAT'S ME.
- WAIT, YOU'RE EMILY'S FATHER. - THERE YOU GO.
YOU MUST BE HERE TO SEE YOUR MAGNIFICENT DAUGHTER.
UH, NO, ACTUALLY.
I'M HERE TO, UM, TO VOLUNTEER.
I WAS WONDERING WHEN THE VOLUNTEER DAYS START.
WELL, WE ARE THRILLED TO HAVE YOU, SIR DAVID HOBBS.
[inhales sharply] HAVE YOU BEEN KNIGHTED YET?
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE.
I WILL ALERT THE QUEEN.
[as The Queen] ALERT RECEIVED!
[chuckles] YEAH.
YOU ARE HEREBY KNIGHTED. [laughs]
I CAN'T BELIEVE SUCH A BIG STAR'S
GOING TO PAINT OUR SETS.
OR GIVE YOU A COUPLE OF BUCKS TO HIRE A PAINTER.
WHILE I ADMIRE THAT GREATLY, I'M SURE YOU CAN AGREE
THAT VOLUNTEERING CAN ONLY TAKE US SO FAR.
SPLASH IS WHAT WE REALLY NEED FOR THIS SHOW.
WOULD YOU BE OKAY
IF I BUMPED THE DAUGHTER OF DAVID HOBBS
UP TO A SPLASHIER ROLE?
OH, MY GOD, TELL ME. BE HONEST. GO.
YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.
YEAH.
OH, WELL. SPLASH AWAY.
LOOK AT YOU,
WITH THE JAZZ HANDS. - [laughs]
HEY. JOE, HOW'S THE VIDEO GOING?
TERRIBLE.
THE "KEVIN-ING" VIDEO ONLY GOT TEN HITS.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
BUT MY NEXT ONE IS GOING TO BLOW UP.
IT'S CALLED "WRAPPING."
OH, WRAPPING.
SHE'S A PRESENT.
I'M A VICTIM.
"WRAPPING."
OH, OH.
HEY. EMILY, HOW WAS REHEARSAL?
I GOT BUMPED TO THE LEAD ROLE IN THE PLAY.
[gasps]
MR. PERINO DECIDED I'D BE THE PERFECT VICTORIA.
SWEETIE, THIS IS GREAT NEWS!
BUT I DON'T--
"BUT"? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "BUT"?
YOUR DIRECTOR KNOWS TALENT WHEN HE SEES IT, OBVIOUSLY.
GUYS, I'M NOT SURE I WANT TO ACT.
EMILY, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
YOU NEVER WANT TO ACT. YOU WANT TO BE.
RIGHT? THAT'S YOUR METHOD.
WHAT IF I'M NOT ANY GOOD?
UH, WHAT?
YOU ARE A HOBBS. YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.
THANKS.
EMILY. PROUD OF YOU.
- SO PROUD OF YOU. - SUPER PROUD.
GOT IT.
[Southern accent] THE WAR WAS BRUTAL.
EACH SUNRISE WAS LIKE ANOTHER MIRACLE.
IT WAS THE THOUGHT OF HOME THAT KEPT ME ALIVE.
I COULD HAVE NAILED THIS ROLE.
BUT IT'S OKAY. I'VE MOVED ON.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND NEGATIVE,
BUT THIS PRODUCTION SIMPLY ISN'T HOBBS-WORTHY.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
OUR SET DESIGNER'S LAST CREDIT WAS A HOMECOMING BANNER.
CAN YOU DO BETTER, HON?
DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
IT RAISES A FEW.
HE'S WITH ME.
YOU, HEADSET.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - BRITTANY.
YOU WORK FOR ME NOW, BRITTANY.
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE. LISTEN UP.
I'M FLYING THIS BIRD NOW.
YOU AND YOU, I NEED A SCRIPT BREAKDOWN AND A PROP LIST.
YOU, I NEED AN INVENTORY OF THE LIGHTING GELS.
BRITTANY.
I NEED YOU TO TAKE ME TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE PULLED SOMETHING
WHEN I RIPPED OFF MY JUMPSUIT.
- DADDY, HERE COMES EMILY. - OH, OKAY.
[harsh Southern accent] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU,
JIMMY BURNS.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD PERISHED IN THE "WO-AH."
DADDY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH EMILY?
I DON'T KNOW.
AND I WAITED ALL THESE YEARS FOR MY ONE TRUE...
LOVE.
IS SHE SICK?
NO, SHE'S NOT SICK, BABY, BUT SHE IS DYING.
EMILY CAN'T BE THAT BAD.
MAYBE SHE'S NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THE CHARACTER YET.
MAYBE SHE DOESN'T KNOW HER LINES YET.
OUR DAUGHTER HAS THE EMOTIONAL RANGE OF A ROBOT.
A NON-ACTING ROBOT.
THINK ATM,
BUT WITHOUT THE JOY OF GETTING CASH.
THIS IS AWFUL!
OH!
JOE, WHY'D YOU LET JANIE GIVE YOU A WEDGIE?
OOF, FROM THE FRONT AND BACK.
IT'S LIKE SHE'S FLOSSING YOU.
I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.
IT WASN'T.
HEY, ACTRESS GIRL.
HOW WAS REHEARSAL?
WELL, THE PROGRAMS ARE OUT.
OOH, GREAT. EMILY, WE ARE SO--
PROUD OF ME. HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.
LOOK, HONEY.
BATTLE SCARS: THE JIMMY BURNS STORY.
STARRING EMILY HOBBS, DAUGHTER OF TV'S NUMBER-ONE DAD,
DAVID HOBBS.
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
USING YOUR NAME TO SELL TICKETS?
NO, THE PICTURE THEY USED OF ME.
IT'S THE SAME SIZE AS THE REST OF THE CAST.
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?
DAVID, FOCUS.
OKAY, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD ASK THEM TO REPRINT IT?
MAYBE WHAT SHE NEEDS IS A COACH.
SOMEONE TO JUST TEACH HER THE FINER POINTS OF ACTING.
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS THE COMPLEXITY
OF A WOMAN LIKE VICTORIA.
UH, OOH. I CAN DO IT.
SURE, YOU GO.
[harsh Southern accent] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS YOU,
JIM-MY BURNS.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD PERISHED IN THE "WO-AH."
WELL, UM...
OKAY, Y--UH...
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE PUT A LITTLE EMOTION INTO THIS?
TRY MOVING YOUR FACE A LITTLE BIT,
MAYBE THROW IN A BLINK.
DAD, I DON'T THINK I'M GETTING IT.
YEAH, UM...
WELL, NO. UM...
YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT-- LET ME DO IT FOR YOU.
THIS WAY YOU CAN GET A FEEL FOR IT, OKAY?
MM-HMM.
[clears throat]
[as Southern belle] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU,
JIMMY BURNS.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD PERISHED IN THE WAR.
RIGHT?
- YEAH. - ALL RIGHT.
[shouting] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU,
JIMMY BURNS!
I THOUGHT YOU HAD PERISHED IN THE "WO-AH!"
EMILY, YOU KNOW, LOUDER DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN BETTER.
IT-IT JUST MEANS LOUDER.
HOW'D IT GO?
[monotone shouting] DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
HONEY, MAYBE WHAT SHE NEEDS
IS A SOFTER APPROACH.
ONE WITH PATIENCE. A WOMAN'S TOUCH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
LOOK, NOT SO FAST, OKAY?
STEP ASIDE.
[painfully slow] I THOUGHT YOU
HAD PE-RISHED IN
THE "WO--AH."
[forced chuckle]
SO?
AHH!
I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN THROUGH A "WO-AH"!
RIGHT?
WOW!
DAVID, MAYBE WE'RE MAKING THIS MORE ABOUT US.
MAYBE WE WANT IT MORE THAN SHE DOES.
WE'RE TRYING TO HELP HER, AMY.
WE'RE FAILING, BUT WE'RE TRYING.
THEY'RE TRYING BUT THEY'RE FAILING.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT?
I CAN'T.
IT WOULD BREAK MY PARENTS' HEARTS.
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA--
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TELL HER SHE'S NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS.
WHY CAN'T THEY SEE THAT I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS?
CAN'T DO THAT. THAT WOULD BREAK HER HEART.
YOU SHOULD SEE HER ON STAGE WITH THIS BOY, MATTHEW.
SHE LOOKS SO HAPPY.
I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN I WAS JUST SCREAMING AND FAINTING.
WELL, IF YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA,
I WOULD LOVE TO--
- HEAR SOME GOOD NEWS? - YES, PLEASE.
NOBODY EVER COMES TO OUR HIGH SCHOOL PLAYS.
I BET IF WE CHECK OUT THE TICKET SALES, THEY'D BE--
all: [incredulous] SOLD OUT?
EVEN AN UNDERSIZED PICTURE OF ME WORKS MAGIC.
[groans]
JUST PULL IT.
YOU PULL IT.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. COVER ME.
SIR DAVID! [gasps]
WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH LADY EMILY.
YOU'RE JUST FIGURING THAT OUT NOW?
SHE WON'T COME OUT OF HER DRESSING ROOM.
[orchestra begins]
[playing When Johnny Comes Marching Home]
♪
HONEY, YOU OKAY?
- OKAY? - YEAH?
I AM AWESOME AND OKAY.
CAN'T YOU TELL?
HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
HONEY, IT'S TOTALLY NATURAL. ALL ACTORS GET STAGE FRIGHT.
WELL, NOT ALL.
I DON'T HAVE STAGE FRIGHT.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU GUYS THAT
I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS!
I ONLY AUDITIONED TO BE AN EXTRA TO SPEND TIME WITH MATTHEW,
AND THEN, SOMEHOW, I END UP IN THE LEAD.
HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY HAVE EVEN HAPPENED?
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. - WHO KNOWS?
HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL US?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT ME FOLLOWING
IN YOUR ACTING FOOTSTEPS.
I WAS AFRAID I'D DISAPPOINT YOU.
WE THOUGHT YOU WANTED THIS.
WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO, WE COULD NEVER EVER
BE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
WE LOVE YOU.
THANKS, MOM. LOVE YOU, TOO.
[knock at door]
[breathless] FIVE MINUTES TILL CURTAIN.
AND FYI, YOUR OTHER KIDS ARE ORGANIZING A FLASH MOB.
SO THERE'S THAT.
I GOT THAT. OKAY.
THANK YOU.
[sighs]
EMILY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
DAD, I'M A HOBBS.
I'M GONNA FINISH WHAT I START.
THAT'S MY GIRL.
MM!
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
AT THE END OF THE DAY, ALL ACTING REALLY IS
IS JUST TWO PEOPLE TALKING TO EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
SO WHEN YOU GET ON THAT STAGE,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK INTO MATTHEW PEARSON'S EYES
AND JUST PRETEND YOU'RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
THAT I CAN DO.
THANKS, DADDY.
OKAY, BABY.
GIVE ME A HUG. MM!
ALL RIGHT.
[fire alarm rattles]
MR. HOBBS!
MATTHEW? YOU--YOU OKAY?
UH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS.
OH.
IT DOESN'T SHOW.
I CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T GO OUT THERE.
I'D RATHER GO TO AN ACTUAL WAR
THAN STEP OUT THERE IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
I-I DON'T WANT TO MAKE EMILY LOOK BAD.
EMILY HOBBS?
TELL HER I'M SORRY.
NO, NO. WAIT, MATTHEW.
WAIT A MINUTE!
- CUE THE STORM CLOUDS. - STORM CLOUDS.
[thunder rumbling]
- AND CUE THE SUN. - SUN.
[playing When Johnny Comes Marching Home]
♪
IT'S A NEW DAY DAWNING, JIMMY.
I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE FINALLY HOME FROM THE--
WOAH.
I'M SURE YOU'RE SURPRISED, VICTORIA.
WAR DOES STRANGE THINGS TO A MAN,
CHANGES HIM-- LITERALLY.
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.
UH, YEAH.
TURNS OUT PRIVATE PEARSON WAS A YELLOW BELLY,
WENT AWOL.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU HAD THE COURAGE
TO GO ON WITHOUT HIM.
SO WHATEVER YOU WERE GOING TO SAY TO HIM,
YOU CAN SAY TO ME.
JUST LOOK IN MY EYES.
[deep breath]
I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR NUMEROUS LETTERS, JIMMY BURNS,
AND I WAS SHOCKED TO LEARN OF YOUR INJURIES.
BUT I KNEW, ONE DAY, YOU WOULD RETURN TO ME.
NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL YOUR WOUNDS,
OR HOW HORRIBLE YOUR SCARS,
IT WAS THE DEPTH OF YOUR SOUL THAT I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON.
NOW THAT WAS WORTH COMING HOME FROM THE WAR.
WELL, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY INSPIRATION, JIMMY BURNS.
[cheers and applause]
EMILY, YOU WERE FANTASTIC.
I KNOW! WEIRD.
I HAD NO IDEA I HAD IT IN ME.
I DID. I'M SO--
- PROUD. - [laughs]
I KNOW, DAD.
[cheers and applause]
YES! THAT'S MY BABY!
FOLLOWING IN MY FOOTSTEPS!
I GREW THAT!
- DADDY. - YEAH, I'LL TALK TO MOM.
THANK YOU.
[remixed on video] THE IMPORTANT THING
IS COUR--COURAGE. COURAGE.
COUR--COUR--COUR-- COURAGE. COURAGE.
COURAGE.
THIS IS A MOCKERY OF THE PERFORMING ARTS.
BUT WE HAVE 250,000 HITS ALREADY!
[remixed] YELLO--YELLO-- YELLO--YELLOW BELLY.
REALLY?
[on video] COURAGE. YELLOW BELLY.
WO-AH.