BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BESIDES PUTTING YOUR BOOTS ON THE WRONG FEET.
I'M GETTING READY FOR THE SNOW.
IN THE MOVIES, IT ALWAYS SNOWS ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
UGH, AGAIN? WE LIVE IN L.A.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU DID THIS LAST YEAR?
I'M A KID.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID YESTERDAY.
[crying]
IT WOULDN'T BE THE HOLIDAYS WITHOUT SOMEBODY CRYING.
DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE YOU. HONEY, WHAT'S UP?
[sobbing incoherently]
BILL CALLED YOU INTO WORK TODAY?
YOU HATE THAT DIRECTOR.
[crying, mumbling]
YES, I KNOW, MOM. HATE IS A STRONG WORD.
DAVID, I'M GOING TO MISS OUT
ON ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS.
JUST TRIMMING THE TREE AND LETTERS TO SANTA
AND YOU FORCING US TO WATCH YOUR SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EPISODE,
"SEE DAD GET SCROOGED."
DON'T WORRY, MOM.
WE'LL WAIT TO TRIM THE TREE UNTIL YOU GET HOME.
AND FORGET ABOUT MY LETTER TO SANTA THIS YEAR.
I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT.
[sobs]
AMY, IT'S GOING TO BE FINE, OKAY?
IT'LL BE EVEN BETTER
IF YOU STOP CLUTCHING A TRAY OF STINKY POTATOES.
WHY ARE YOU CLUTCHING A TRAY OF STINKY POTATOES?
[sobs unintelligibly]
EMILY?
YESTERDAY, WHEN SHE WAS UNLOADING GROCERIES,
SHE LEFT THEM IN THE CAR.
SO SAY GOODBYE TO OUR TRADITIONAL
CHEESY SCALLOPED POTATOES AS WELL, DAVID.
I'LL JUST GET SOME MORE POTATOES.
NO, THEY ONLY SELL THEM AT COST CLUB.
SO I'LL GO TO COST CLUB, HONEY.
[laughs]
HEY--
COST CLUB ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
HONEY, YOU'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THERE ALIVE.
PLEASE, I'LL BE IN AND OUT IN 30 MINUTES.
[laughing] 30 MINUTES.
NOW YOU'RE HYSTERICAL. COME ON, LET'S GO.
WHY DON'T YOU SAVE ALL THAT ENERGY AND EMOTION
FOR--FOR THE SHOW, OKAY?
THE KIDS AND I, WE WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
RIGHT, KIDS? - ABSOLUTELY.
30 MINUTES. 30 MINUTES.
- OKAY. - I CAN'T BREATHE.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS. - HEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WHY CAN'T AMY BREATHE?
WELL, I TOLD HER I WAS GONNA MAKE A QUICK STOP AT COST CLUB.
both: [laughing]
WHY DOES EVERYBODY KEEP DOING THAT?
OH, FIRST OF ALL, DAVID, YOU'RE FAMOUS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET MORE THAN TWO FEET
IN THE DOOR WITHOUT BEING RECOGNIZED.
TWO, YOU HAVE THREE CHILDREN AND ONLY TWO ARMS,
AND THAT MATH DOESN'T ADD UP.
AND THIRD, YOU YOURSELF
HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A SMALL CHILD.
ALL RIGHT, FIRST OF ALL,
I'M GOING TO USE MY CELEBRITY TO MY ADVANTAGE.
SECOND OF ALL, I CAN HANDLE MY KIDS.
AND THIRD--
WHAT WAS THE THIRD THING? I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
DOESN'T MATTER. YOU GUYS IN OR OUT?
TO WATCH YOU HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
AS I ENJOY A CORNUCOPIA OF FREE FOOD SAMPLES?
IT'LL BE LIKE DINNER AND A SHOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL DRIVE ON THIS ONE.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, HERE'S THE PLAN.
WE'RE GOING TO SAVE CHRISTMAS FOR YOUR MOTHER.
WE'RE GOING TO GET IN, WE'RE GOING TO GET OUT.
NO DIVERSIONS, NO DISTRACTIONS, OKAY?
- I SMELL PIZZA. - I SEE TOYS.
- NEXT TO PINK CELL PHONES. - WAIT A MINUTE.
WE HAD A--WE HAD A PLAN, GUYS. IN AND OUT.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY WE WERE LAUGHING.
OOH, POTSTICKERS.
[upbeat music]
♪
YES, UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR, I--
OH, MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE DAVID HOBBS.
YES, I AM.
UH, CAN I HELP YOU FIND ANYTHING?
YES, YOU CAN.
FOUND 'EM.
ANYTHING ELSE, MR. HOBBS?
NOW, YOU CAN'T BE SNATCHING PEOPLE
UP OUT OF THE POTSTICKER LINE LIKE THAT.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK. HERE'S WHAT WE NEED.
WE NEED THOSE CHEESY SCALLOPED POTATOES THAT YOU SELL, OKAY?
THEY'RE MY WIFE'S HOLIDAY FAVORITE.
UH, WELL, THEY'RE EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE DURING THE HOLIDAY.
IF THERE'S ANY LEFT, THEY'LL BE IN THE REFRIGERATOR SECTION
BEHIND AISLE 138.
ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED, JUST ASK FOR CARL.
THANKS, CARL.
OKAY, UH-- ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
WE'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHICH WAY AISLE 138 IS.
OOH, THEY JUST TOOK THE BABY QUICHE OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HOBBS FAMILY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SANTA.
[chuckles]
JOE, ARE YOU GOING TO SAY HI TO SANTA?
MERRY CHRISTMAS, GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE SANTA.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOE.
JOE, THAT IS SANTA.
YEAH, RIGHT.
LIKE SANTA COMES TO COST CLUB ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
COME ON, COME ON. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
YOU TELL YOUR MOM THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO WRITE A LETTER TO SANTA,
AND NOW HE'S JUST A GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE SANTA?
I WANT TO BELIEVE,
BUT NONE OF MY FRIENDS DO ANYMORE.
AND THEY'RE STARTING TO MAKE FUN OF ME.
AND THEY BRING UP A PRETTY GOOD ARGUMENT TOO,
MAINLY ABOUT PHYSICS AND TIME TRAVEL.
WELL, I BELIEVE, JOE.
WELL, I BELIEVE WHATEVER DADDY BELIEVES.
ALL RIGHT, ATTA GIRL. LET'S DO THIS, COME ON.
I BELIEVE THAT THIS SUPER CUTE JACKET IS ON SALE.
WELL, UNLESS THAT SUPER CUTE JACKET
IS MADE OUT OF CHEESY SCALLOPED POTATOES,
DON'T EVEN THINK OF PUTTING IT IN THE CART.
COLONEL, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU MAY SOUND STRANGE.
CUT.
AMY, YOU SOUND STRANGE.
OKAY, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.
AND THIS TIME, HAVE SOME FUN WITH IT.
AND ACTION.
- COLONEL-- - CUT.
OKAY, THE COLONEL STILL THINKS THAT SARAH IS HYSTERICAL.
SO I WANT TO PICK UP THE SCENE WITH HIM SHAKING HER,
LIKE A BOBBLEHEAD.
LIKE A WHAT?
AND ACTION.
SARAH, YOU'RE HYSTERICAL.
PLEASE, JAMES, YOUR GRIP IS LIKE A VICE.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. - CUT.
COLONEL, JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
AMY, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO VIOLENTLY SHAKE YOURSELF.
AND ACTION.
SARAH, YOU'RE HYSTERICAL.
THAT'S 139. 137.
WHERE THE HECK IS 138?
NICE.
JOE? JANIE, EMILY?
FOR NARNIA!
JOE, WHERE ARE YOUR SISTERS?
DAD, GUESS WHAT I JUST FOUND.
- AISLE 138? - BETTER.
A BLENDER THAT CAN BLEND ANYTHING.
THE LADY FINISHED HER DEMONSTRATION
BY LIQUEFYING A SHOE.
EMILY, I-I'D ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE THAT.
BUT LOOK, WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
PUT IT IN THE CART, 'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOME OLD SHOES AT THE HOUSE.
COME ON, JANE, LET'S GO. IT'S TIME TO GO.
[heavenly choir sings]
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR LIFE?
IT'S BREATHTAKING, BUT WE'VE GOTTA GO.
DADDY, WE CAN'T LEAVE HER HERE ON CHRISTMAS.
LOOK, SHE'S TRYING TO ESCAPE.
YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT.
JANIE, I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE, TOO,
WITH SOME CHEESY SCALLOPED POTATOES AND MY SANITY, OKAY?
LET'S GO.
- HANG IN THERE. - OKAY.
DAVID, YOU GOTTA TRY THIS KRAB WITH A "K".
COME ON, WILL YOU STOP THAT? OH--
WOW.
[mumbles] - PUT IT IN THERE?
HERE WE ARE. CHEESY SCALLOPED POTATOES.
WOULD, UH, YOU LIKE ANOTHER CART?
NO, WE ARE DONE WITH THE ENDLESS TEMPTATIONS
OF THIS MONEY TRAP, CARL. GOOD DAY, SIR.
YOUR CHEESY POTATOES?
I SAID, GOOD--
HEY, LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND.
HEY, IS THAT ONE OF THOSE 1,000 PIECE TOOL SETS
AS ADVERTISED ON TELEVISION?
I WANT ONE.
WHAT DO YOU TWO NEED WITH A 1,000 PIECE TOOL SET?
NEITHER ONE OF YOU HAS EVER FIXED A THING IN YOUR LIFE.
MAYBE BECAUSE WE NEVER HAD A 1,000 PIECE TOOL SET, EMILY.
KIDS, QUICK STOP, AISLE 93. LET'S GO.
[heavenly choir sings]
THIS MUST BE AISLE HEAVEN.
CHUNKS, THIS IS ONE SAD DISPLAY OF HOLIDAY CHEER.
ALMOST AS SAD AS ME, ALONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
TALKING TO A STUFFED MONKEY, RIGHT?
DON'T ANSWER THAT.
DO THESE EVEN WORK?
NO.
MAN, I WISH I COULD MAKE THIS SPECIAL FOR THE FAMILY.
BUT HOW?
[light dings]
I GOT IT.
YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR LIFE?
DAD, YOU NEED TO LOOK AWAY.
I CAN'T.
DAD, DAD. SNAP OUT OF IT.
YES. YES, OKAY.
YES, EMILY. I'M SORRY.
I-I GOT LOST IN MY EYES.
- DAVID HOBBS. - HI.
I KNEW IT WAS YOU.
HEY, EVERYBODY! DAVID HOBBS IS HERE!
UH-OH.
HI.
[crowd chattering]
WHERE IS MARCUS?
I JUST TEXTED HIM.
HE'S IN FOOTWEAR, CHECKING OUT KUGG BOOTS.
I'M GLAD YOU TEXTED ME. AM I PULLING THESE OFF?
NO.
PULL THEM OFF.
FOLKS, LET'S GIVE MR. HOBBS A CHANCE TO FINISH SHOPPING
AND GO HOME TO HIS FAMILY.
[crowd protests]
THANK YOU, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- BYE, NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU'RE VERY KIND TO YOUR FANS, MR. HOBBS.
LET ME OPEN A CHECKOUT LANE JUST FOR YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
OH, MAN. THOSE ARE SWEET.
YOU LIKE THEM?
IT FEELS LIKE I'M WALKING IN A MEADOW.
MAN, I LOVE THEM.
WAIT A MINUTE, I WANT TO WALK IN A MEADOW.
GUYS, I WANT TO THANK YOU. CARL--REALLY.
YOU'VE BEEN A HUGE HELP.
MY PLEASURE, MR. HOBBS.
AND MIGHT I SAY, YOU AND YOUR FRIEND
ARE REALLY PULLING THOSE OFF.
[both cheer]
DID YOU HEAR THE MAN?
COULD I BE SO BOLD AS TO ASK FOR A PICTURE?
ME AND YOU? ABSOLUTELY, CARL, COME ON.
HERE, JOE, HOLD THAT FOR A SEC.
AND YOU GOT THE, UH, PHONE. BEAUTIFUL, OKAY.
READY?
AND-- COOL.
GOOD ONE? ALL RIGHT, TAKE A LOOK, CARL.
- YEAH. - HAPPY? EXCELLENT.
ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU LATER. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[phone ringing]
OH, IT'S MOM. HEY, HONEY.
GUESS WHERE I AM.
WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
I'VE GOT CHEESY POTATOES, A 1,000 PIECE TOOL SET,
AND A PAIR OF KUGG BOOTS.
I'M GOING TO WEAR THEM WHEN I FIX THINGS.
[all singing Jingle Bells]
- HEY. - OH, HEY.
ALL RIGHT, HEY.
KEVIN, WHY ARE YOU SO SWEATY?
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ANXIOUSLY ANTICIPATING YOUR RETURN.
THAT MAKES SENSE. ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, I TALKED TO YOUR MOTHER.
SHE'S RUNNING A LITTLE BIT LATE.
THAT GIVES US PLENTY OF TIME
TO GET THESE POTATOES IN THE OVEN, OKAY?
POTATOES, POTATOES.
WHERE ARE THE POTATOES?
ARE THEY IN THERE, MARCUS?
WHERE ARE THE POTATOES?
JOE, I HANDED THEM TO YOU AT THE EXIT, RIGHT?
BUT I HAD TO TAKE THE PICTURE, SO I HANDED THEM TO JANIE.
UNLESS YOU HAND ME CANDY, I'M PUTTING IT DOWN.
SO WE HAVE NO POTATOES?
I GOT A POCKET FULL OF POTSTICKERS, THOUGH.
THREE HOURS AT COST CLUB, AND ALL I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT
IS A WALK IN A MEADOW WITH A 1,000 PIECE TOOL SET.
[cries unintelligibly]
SORRY, GUYS. I DON'T SPEAK DAD.
I'M FLUENT.
[distressed mumbling]
- "THAT'S IT." - [mumbles]
- "I TRIED." - [mumbles]
- "I FAILED." - [mumbles]
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET YOUR MOTHER DOWN
ON CHRISTMAS EVE."
COME ON, DAD.
IT'S NOT ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT.
WE DIDN'T EXACTLY HELP YOU AT COST CLUB.
WE CAN DO BETTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE CAN DO BETTER.
WE CAN. WE CAN DO BETTER.
WE--WE CAN SAVE CHRISTMAS FOR YOUR MOTHER.
WE'RE HOBBS. WE'RE NOT QUITTERS.
WELL, I'M A BARNES,
AND I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF QUITTERS.
AND I QUIT.
AND I'MA TAKE MY TUB OF K-RAB WITH ME, OKAY?
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY. HEY, HEY.
DAD, COME ON. IT'LL WORK.
EMILY, THERE IS NO WAY.
THIS MIGHT WORK FOR SUPERMAN,
BUT GLASSES AND A MUSTACHE DON'T MAKE A DISGUISE.
WHERE'S DADDY? WHERE'S DADDY?
JANIE, IT'S ME.
HOW DOES THIS STRANGER KNOW MY NAME?
BABY.
OH.
LOOK, IT'S DAVID HOBBS IN A MUSTACHE.
WOW, I'M SUCH A FAN.
[crowd clamoring]
- PLAN "B"! PLAN "B"! - ON IT.
LOOK! THERE GOES HONEY BOO BOO!
[crowd screaming]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
THE GLASSES AND HAT WERE WORKING.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
AND ACTION.
SARAH, YOU'RE HYSTERICAL.
YEAH, NO, THE WATER'S NOT READING.
WE NEED TO GO BIGGER.
WAIT, WAIT. JUST, UH--JUST A SEC--
AND ACTION.
YEAH.
STILL NOT READING.
- OH, COME ON. - STAY WITH IT, OKAY.
AND ACTION.
OH, JAMES, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY
TO PUSH ME AWAY--
THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT!
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
SOME OF US HAVE FAMILIES WE'D LIKE TO BE WITH, BILL.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THIS LONELY GRINCH
WITH NOWHERE TO GO DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO KEEP US HERE,
CAPTIVE, AS PUPPETS IN YOUR THEATER OF CRUELTY.
NO, CARL.
YOU'RE RIGHT. OKAY?
I GO HOME EVERY NIGHT
TO AN AGGRESSIVE FERRET AND A DYING PLANT.
I MEAN, REALLY, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR A PLANT TO DIE?
YOU'VE GOT THIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY
AND A HOUSE FILLED WITH LOVE
AND PROBABLY A CHRISTMAS GOOSE.
OH.
SOMEONE IN NEED OF A CHRISTMAS GOOSE?
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE.
WE'RE DOWN TO OUR LAST TRAY OF CHEESY POTATOES.
LET'S START PUSHING THE JUMBO SHRIMP.
THEY WON'T LAST ANOTHER WEEK.
YOU HEAR THAT, DAD? THERE'S ONLY ONE TRAY LEFT.
[Beethoven's Ode to Joy]
♪
HANDS IN, ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE, POTATOES.
- MOM. - HOBBS.
- SNOW. - REALLY, GUYS?
COME ON, HANNAH. WE'LL FIND SOMETHING ELSE.
- UH, DAD? - YEAH?
DADDY, THAT LITTLE GIRL LOOKS SAD.
YEAH, THIS FEELS NOT RIGHT.
JOE...
EXCUSE ME. UM, HERE YOU GO.
WE DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOUR LITTLE ONE.
THANK YOU.
THESE ARE KIND OF OUR CHRISTMAS TRADITION.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, HANNAH?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS. - MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
WELL, DAVID, THAT WAS QUITE A DISPLAY OF TEAMWORK.
THANK YOU, SANTA.
QUITE THE LOVELY FAMILY YOU HAVE HERE.
AND, JOE, I HEAR YOU'RE THE INQUISITIVE ONE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR ME?
YEAH.
HOW DO YOU GET AROUND THE WORLD IN ONE NIGHT?
[chuckles]
I GET THAT A LOT.
IT'S ACTUALLY A MATTER OF PHYSICS AND TIME TRAVEL.
BUT MOSTLY BELIEF.
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
I BELIEVE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR THESE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU, SANTA.
LOOK AT THIS.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH--
WHERE'D HE GO?
YOU REALLY LOVE THOSE CHEESY POTATOES, HUH, MR. HOBBS?
YES, WE DO, CARL.
HEY, BY THE WAY, YOU HAVE A GREAT STORE SANTA HERE.
COST CLUB DOESN'T HAVE A STORE SANTA.
NEVER HAS.
WELL, HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
[heavenly choir sings]
I BELIEVE.
WE'VE GOT TO GET ONE OF THESE.
OOH, TURKEY SMELLS GREAT. I'M STARVING.
DONE.
HEY.
YOU MADE CHRISTMAS DINNER?
WELL, COME ON, HONEY. YOU ALWAYS DID IT FOR US.
AW, THANK YOU, MY LOVE. OH, HONEY.
SEASONS GREETINGS, HOBBS FAMILY.
YOU'RE HOME.
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO RELAX. MAYBE IN THE LIVING ROOM?
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO RELAX IN THE LIVING ROOM?
UH, ONLY IF YOU WANT TO.
YEAH, I'D LIKE YOU TO RELAX IN THE LIVING ROOM.
UNBELIEVABLE.
WOW.
IT'S MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU GUYS.
COOL.
OH, THANK YOU, KEVIN.
THIS IS-- THIS IS AMAZING, KEVIN.
HOW DID YOU DO THIS? - IT'S WHAT I DO.
WELL, YOU DID GOOD. COME ON, UP TOP.
BREATHE. BREATHE.
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S HELP MOM DECORATE THE TREE.
- YEAH. - YAY!
AMY, HIT IT.
[all cheering, applauding]
AWESOME.
OH, AND, UH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
THERE'S ONE LAST THING.
THIS IS ESPECIALLY FOR JANIE.
SNOW!
TOO COOL TO PLAY IN THE SNOW?
NOPE.
- HEY, OVER HERE, A SNOWBALL! - YEAH, I GOT ONE, TOO!
NICE TOUCH, KEVIN.
KIDS.
THEY TAKE SUCH JOY IN THE LITTLEST THINGS.
GO AHEAD.
YAY, SNOW!
[laughs]
[mumbles unintelligibly]
I LOVE YOU, TOO, HONEY.
[sleigh bells ringing]