SECURITY SYSTEM SHOULD BE GOOD AS NEW, SIR.
EXCELLENT. WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?
WAS THERE A POWER SURGE IN THE MAINFRAME?
OR A MALFUNCTION IN THE MOTHERBOARD?
UNNECESSARY THINGY JIGGLING.
SHE DOES NOT LIKE HER THINGY JIGGLED.
[laughs] OKAY.
SO HOW ARE YOU LIKING THE VIDEO SURVEILLANCE?
VIDEO SURVEILLANCE?
DIDN'T YOU READ HER MANUAL?
NO. THERE'S TOO MANY WORDS.
YOU'RE WIRED THROUGH THE WHOLE FIRST FLOOR OF THE HOUSE
WITH HIDDEN CAMERAS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT I CAN WATCH MY FAMILY
WITHOUT THEM KNOWING IT?
IT'S MEANT TO MONITOR CRIMINAL ACTIVITY.
WHAT AM I, BATMAN?
I'M GONNA USE THIS TO SPY ON MY KIDS.
I MEAN, WHO KNOWS WHAT EVIL LURKS IN THEIR LITTLE HEARTS?
WAIT, MAYBE I AM BATMAN.
YOU CAN WATCH FROM ANY COMPUTER OR SMART PHONE.
OH. DO ME, DO ME.
IT'S TIME FOR MY SUPER SUGAR SNAPS.
THERE'S NO MORE LEFT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
YOU AND THE MONKEY NEED TO LOOK AWAY.
THIS IS AWESOME!
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THIS IS THE HOLY GRAIL OF PARENTING.
I MEAN, THIS IS THE GREATEST INVENTION
SINCE "BECAUSE I SAID SO."
WOW, YOU'RE A WIZARD.
THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER PERSON
WHO ENJOYS SUPER SUGAR SNAPS AS MUCH AS ME,
AND THAT'S MARY.
I LIKE 'EM.
NOT LIKE MARY.
WHEN SHE EATS 'EM,
HER EYES SPARKLE AND HER HAIR BOUNCES.
OOH, SOMEBODY LIKES MARY.
NO, I DON'T.
OKAY, OKAY, I LIKE HER.
BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M GONNA GET HER ATTENTION.
I'M JUST PLAIN JOE.
NO ARGUMENT HERE.
WHERE'S YOUR DAD?
I HAVE HIS COFFEE AND BAGEL.
UM, HE ALREADY GOT 'EM.
HE HAD AN APPOINTMENT WITH A GUY.
WHAT GUY? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT A GUY.
OR AN APPOINTMENT.
I'M THE GUY WHO MAKES THE APPOINTMENTS.
DAD SAYS THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN.
THE SYSTEM IS FINE.
I BRING THE COFFEE, I BRING THE BAGELS.
HOW COULD HE BRING ANOTHER MAN INTO OUR HOUSE?
THIS IS AWKWARD.
YOU ARE FANTASTIC.
I SHOULDA CALLED YOU YEARS AGO.
DANNY, YOU'RE MY GUY.
I'M HERE FOR YOU 24/7.
WE'RE GONNA BE GOOD FRIENDS, ME AND YOU.
[laughs]
[gasps]
I'VE BEEN OUTSOURCED.
[upbeat music]
♪
WHAT ARE YOU EATING, JOE?
SUPER SUGAR SNAPS.
BUT THERE'S NONE LEFT.
OH, YOU KNOW, I BET YOU THAT I CAN FIND MORE.
YOU KNOW, IF I WAS A BOX OF CEREAL,
WHERE WOULD I HIDE?
BOOM.
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL HOBBS.
I SEE ALL. I KNOW ALL.
THEN YOU'RE JUST THE MAN I NEED TO TALK TO.
OH, WAIT, DON'T TELL ME, DON'T TELL ME.
IT'S ABOUT A GIRL.
WHOA.
AND IF I'M GUESSING RIGHT,
IT'S AN OLDER GIRL.
WOW, YOU'RE AMAZING.
YOU WANT TO GET HER ATTENTION.
YEAH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, JOE, HERE'S THE SECRET.
WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING WOMEN,
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HAIR, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY I USE A VERY GOOD MOISTURIZING CONDITIONER.
WHICH IS WHY US WEEKLY VOTED ME "BEST CELEBRITY HAIR."
DIDN'T YOU TIE WITH JOHN STAMOS?
IT'S COMPLICATED, JOE.
MY LAWYER SAID I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT
TILL THE CASE IS CLOSED.
NOW LISTEN, THERE'S AN EXPRESSION
FROM MY MUCH-BELOVED EPISODE, DANCE LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING.
WHAT IS IT?
DANCE LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING.
I LIKE IT.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
UH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, REMEMBER LAST HALLOWEEN
WHEN YOU WANTED TO GO AS A SMURF
AND YOU HAD YOUR "A-HA" MOMENT?
OH, YEAH, I THREW ON EMILY'S FIELD HOCKEY SKIRT,
AND I WENT AS BRAVEHEART INSTEAD.
RIGHT, AND REMEMBER HOW ALL THE KIDS LAUGHED AT YOU?
NO!
OH, UM, NO, THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
LOOK, THE IMPORTANT THING HERE IS THAT--
IS THAT YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO DO YOUR OWN THING.
SEE, BY JUST BEING YOURSELF, JOE,
YOU WILL ATTRACT THE WOMEN.
- THANKS, DAD. - ALL RIGHT.
AND NOBODY LAUGHED AT YOU
WHEN YOU WERE DRESSED AS BRAVEHEART.
I DIDN'T THINK THEY DID.
OH.
I LOVE YOU, EMILY, BUT THE ANSWER IS NO.
I'M FINE WITH YOU LOVING ME A LITTLE LESS
IF THAT MEANS I CAN THROW A PARTY.
SO YOU'D RATHER THROW A PARTY
THAN HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ME?
PLEASE DON'T ANSWER THAT.
FINE.
I GET IT. YOU DON'T TRUST ME.
OH, I DO TRUST YOU.
MAYBE IT'S YOU WHO DOESN'T TRUST ME.
HMM?
HMM.
OOH, REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.
I'M GONNA ASK DAD.
FINE, YOU GO AHEAD. YOU ASK HIM.
BUT HE WILL JUST TELL YOU HOW THESE HOUSE PARTIES
GET OUT OF CONTROL, OKAY?
PEOPLE TEXT, STRANGERS SHOW UP,
AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY'S FILMING
A HOBBS GONE WILD VIDEO, OKAY?
OH, PERFECT TIMING.
DAD, CAN I THROW A PARTY?
AND DON'T LOOK AT MOM.
OH, I DON'T KNOW, EMILY.
THESE PARTIES GET OUT OF CONTROL, YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE START TEXTING, STRANGERS SHOW UP.
PRETTY SOON, YOU'RE SHOOTING A HOBBS GONE WILD VIDEO.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT MOM SAID.
EXACTLY.
WELL, HOWEVER, YOUR MOM AND I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS IT.
- YOU WOULD? - MM-HMM.
WE WOULD?
TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.
[laughs]
YOU WANNA FILL ME IN ON THIS "HOWEVER"?
TO THE BATCAVE.
VIDEO SURVEILLANCE?
YOU'RE SAYING IT WRONG.
IT'S VIDEO SURVEILLANCE!
WE'RE SPYING ON OUR KIDS.
AGAIN, YOU'RE SAYING IT WRONG.
WE'RE SPYING ON OUR KIDS!
DON'T YOU SEE THIS?
AMY, WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL,
THIS WONDERFUL LITTLE TECHNOLOGICAL DREAM,
WE GET TO STAY THREE TO FOUR STEPS AHEAD OF OUR KIDS
IN THE PARENTING GAME.
EH...IT KINDA FEELS LIKE CHEATING.
IT'S NOT CHEATING.
IT'S EVENING THE SCORE.
DON'T YOU SEE,
WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL LITTLE THING RIGHT HERE,
WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS.
EMILY GETS TO THROW HER PARTY.
SHE GETS AWAY WITH NOTHING. IT'S WIN-WIN.
OOH, WAIT, JOE AND EMILY ARE IN SECTOR THREE.
THAT'S THE KITCHEN.
YOU HAVE SECTORS, REALLY?
YEAH, IT SOUNDS MORE BATMAN-Y.
YOU KNOW, MOM IS NEVER GONNA LET ME HAVE A PARTY.
AND THERE'S NO WAY DAD CAN CONVINCE HER.
HE IS CLUELESS!
BUT HE DOES GIVE GOOD ADVICE ABOUT THE LADIES.
HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU NEVER TO SAY "LADIES."
BUT HE PROBABLY JUST QUOTED SOMETHING
FROM ONE OF HIS MUCH-BELOVED EPISODES,
'CAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE GOES RIGHT OVER HIS HEAD.
WHOOSH!
[laughs]
NOTHING'S GONNA BE WHOOSHING OVER THIS GUY'S HEAD ANYMORE.
SPEAKING OF HIS HEAD,
DOESN'T HE TALK ABOUT HIS HAIR A LOT?
"IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE LEARNED AS AN ACTOR..."
all: "YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR HAIR."
[laughs]
IT'S TRUE.
OKAY, SWEETHEART, THIS WAS FUN,
BUT PLEASE TURN IT OFF, YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT MOM? SHE IS SO UPTIGHT.
PLEASE TURN IT UP.
I'M NOT THAT UPTIGHT. AM I?
I MEAN, EVEN IF I USED TO BE,
I'M MUCH LOOSER NOW THAT I'M BACK AT WORK, RIGHT?
AND SHE'S EVEN MORE OF A TIGHT-BUTT
NOW THAT SHE'S BACK AT WORK.
OH, NO, NOT MY LITTLE JOE-JOE.
IT'S ALWAYS, "MOM, CAN I?"
"NO!"
"MOM, CAN I?"
"NO!"
[gasps] MY PEANUT TOO!
YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS ISN'T FOR EVERYBODY.
NO, NO, NO, DAVID, I CAN TAKE IT.
IN FACT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'RE GONNA LET HER HAVE THIS PARTY,
AND SHE'S GONNA SEE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 7:00
AND NOT A MINUTE PAST 10:00 THAT I AM NO TIGHT-BUTT.
OKAY, PLUS, WITH THIS BAD BOY,
THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET AWAY WITH SQUAT.
YEAH.
WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE, BATGIRL.
[dance music]
♪
[both squeal]
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
HASHTAG, O.M.G.
I KNOW, AND MY PARENTS
PROMISED TO STAY IN THEIR ROOM ALL NIGHT.
HASHTAG, PAR-TAY!
[a la Goober Pyle] THAT'S RIGHT, EMILY.
WE'RE JUST UP HERE COMPLETELY IN THE DARK.
[both laugh]
HASHTAG, WHOOSH.
[imitating Goober] OH-OH.
ME AND YOUR DADDY ARE JUST UP HERE DOING OUR HAIR.
- YOU WANT TO? - SWEETIE.
OH.
EVENING, LADIES.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
YOU KNOW, MARY, WHEN A MAN REACHES A CERTAIN AGE,
HE WANTS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
STEP BACK UP, BUDDY. TOP STEP'S YOUR FRIEND.
I'M NOW CONSIDERED A TWEENER.
YOU'RE NOW CONSIDERED A WEINER.
GO!
YOU GUYS ARE HAVING A PARTY?
I TOLD YOU WE'RE NOT INVITED.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
BYE, JANIE.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE OUR OWN TEA PARTY,
AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED.
EVEN YOU, SAD CLOWN.
REALLY?
I COULD ACTUALLY GO FOR A CUP OF FAKE TEA
AND A TINY SHOULDER TO CRY ON.
OH, WAIT, ZOOM IN.
ZOOM IN.
WHY? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I THINK MATTHEW BROUGHT CUPCAKES.
HE'S SO HOT. I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU.
I KNOW, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
SINCE I STARTED DATING MATTHEW.
I THINK IT'S FINALLY GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT.
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT?
SHH, SHH, SHH.
DON'T JUMP TO ANY CONCLUSIONS.
IT COULD BE ANYTHING.
SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT FOR TWO MONTHS.
I'M KINDA SURPRISED IT'S TAKEN SO LONG.
HE'S MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.
I WISH HE'D JUST GO FOR IT.
I'M GONNA SAY YES.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP.
NO, DON'T-- DON'T TOUCH IT.
YOU MUTED IT. - WHAT?
DON'T EVER TOUCH THE BATCAVE.
WELL, IF MATTHEW EVER WORKS UP THE NERVE,
YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONLY FRESHMAN AT THE JUNIOR PROM.
ARE YOU SURE HE'S GONNA ASK YOU TONIGHT?
I THINK SO.
ALL RIGHT, THERE, IT'S BACK ON.
OKAY.
I JUST HAVE TO GET HIM ALONE.
EVERY GIRL IN CLASS IS ROOTING FOR YOU
TO LAND THAT BIG BOY.
WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL ARE WE SENDING OUR DAUGHTER TO?
IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S ASKED ME.
I'VE ALREADY TURNED DOWN A BUNCH OF GUYS.
I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR HIM.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE--
DAVID, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
NO, WE CAN'T LET HER KNOW WE WERE SPYING ON HER.
SHE WON'T EVER TRUST US AGAIN.
AMY, I'M A PROFESSIONAL ACTOR.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE
OF SEE DAD STOP IT FROM HAPPENING,
STARRING THIS GUY,
DIRECTED BY THIS GUY,
AND WRITTEN BY--
DAVID, JUST GO, OKAY?
AND ACTION.
I BELIEVE I SAID, "AND DIRECTED BY THIS GUY."
AND ACTION.
[dance music]
♪
HELLO, MATTHEW.
OH, HEY, MR. HOBBS. WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP WITH MR. HOBBS IS NOT THE QUESTION.
THE QUESTION IS, WHAT'S UP WITH MATTHEW PEARSON?
THE MAN LOVES A CAMERA.
NOTHING.
JUST, UH, READY TO HAVE SOME FUN, I GUESS.
OHH, WHAT KIND OF FUN ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
"ACTING OLDER THAN WE ARE" FUN?
BECAUSE THAT KIND OF FUN
LEADS TO A LONG RIDE IN THE DESERT WITH A SHOVEL.
DAD, CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING FOR A SEC?
YEAH.
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HONEY, I SAW THE PATIO DOOR OPEN.
I DIDN'T WANT ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS
TO GET TAKEN AWAY BY A COYOTE.
UPSTAIRS!
THIS CANNOT GET ANY MORE EMBARRASSING.
[in Scottish accent] TOP O' THE PARTY TO YOU, LASSIE.
YET IT JUST DID.
YOU KNOW, MARY, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR A MAN
TO ALWAYS STAND OUT IN A CROWD.
BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
I CAN CHANGE INTO SOMETHING ELSE.
I'M GONNA CHANGE INTO SOMETHING ELSE.
I THINK YOUR BROTHER MAY HAVE A CRUSH ON ME.
AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
YOU DON'T FIT.
WOW.
YOU JUST CAME RIGHT OUT AND SAID IT, DIDN'T YOU?
I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY.
IT'S TRUE, I DON'T FIT.
HONESTLY, I'VE FELT THAT WAY MY ENTIRE LIFE.
EVERYWHERE I GO--
DR. MONKEY CHUNKS IS UNCOMFORTABLE.
I'M SORRY. I'VE SAID TOO MUCH.
I'M SORRY MY DAD WAS ACTING SO WEIRD.
NO, NO, HE'S FINE.
REALLY, IT'S COOL THAT YOUR PARENTS
ARE LETTING YOU THROW A PARTY.
YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY TONIGHT, EMILY.
SO DO YOU.
SO DO YOU WANNA GO TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE?
THERE'S KIND OF SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO.
OUCH!
AHH...
HI, GUYS. HEY.
I JUST HAD ME A HANKERING FOR SOME, UH...
UH, CREAM CHEESE.
MMM.
NOW, REALLY, MOM?
UH-HUH.
EXPIRED.
THAT'S WHAT REALLY GIVES IT THE KICK, YOU KNOW?
MATTHEW, CAN I HAVE A MOMENT, PLEASE, WITH MY DAUGHTER
JUST, YOU KNOW, GIRL-TO-GIRL?
- OKAY. - THANK YOU.
UH, YEAH, I'LL JUST BE HANGING WITH THE GUYS.
YEAH, YOU DO THAT.
OH!
HELLO, MATTHEW.
MR. HOBBS. - YEAH?
YOU SCARED ME.
A LITTLE SKITTISH ARE WE?
YEAH, A LITTLE.
UH, LET'S STEP INTO MY OFFICE, PLEASE.
MR. HOBBS, DO YOU THINK MAYBE I CAN POSSIBLY
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING REALLY QUICK?
YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?
YEAH, YOU ARE THE COOLEST DAD I KNOW.
I'M LISTENING.
SEE, I REALLY LIKE EMILY,
AND I--
MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME TO SAY.
YEAH, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAY IT.
WELL, I MEAN, IT'S HER FIRST TIME.
AND SHE'S JUST A FRESHMAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M A LOT OLDER.
SO I THOUGHT MAYBE I SHOULD ASK YOUR PERMISSION.
[laughs]
YEAH.
UH, UM...
SO ARE YOU COOL WITH ME ASKING HER TO PROM?
PROM?
WAIT A MINUTE, THIS WHOLE THING IS ABOUT THE PROM?
YEAH. WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT?
OH.
[grunts]
YEAH.
WOW, UH, COME HERE, YOU.
I'M JUST-- I'M SO NERVOUS.
YEAH, I KNOW, NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE GET TO HUG ME.
[sighs]
OH, LOOK, THIS HUMMUS EXPIRED TOO.
MOM, WHY ARE WE CLEANING OUT THE REFRIGERATOR?
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARTY.
BECAUSE THINGS HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE, EMILY,
AND OTHER THINGS YOU HANG ON TO
FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN, OKAY?
ESPECIALLY YOUR--
OH, OH, HEY!
OH, HOLD THAT THOUGHT, HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
[sighs]
OH, YOU'RE STILL MY BABY.
AH!
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL BE UPSTAIRS IF YOU NEED US.
I AM NOT GOING TO NEED YOU.
WHERE'S MY CREAM CHEESE CONDITIONER?
DID SHE THROW IT AWAY?
AMY! HEY!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE.
WHAT A MESS.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM A MESS.
LOST.
UNSURE OF MY PLACE IN THE WORLD.
YOU'RE DONE HERE.
I AM DONE HERE.
SO WHO'S NEXT?
IT'S A GREAT QUESTION, JANIE.
I GUESS THERE'S ALWAYS ROMANO.
I HEARD DANZA'S TRYING TO MAKE A COMEBACK.
OH, EXCELLENT.
KEVIN, NEXT TIME YOU'RE OUT,
I NEED YOU TO PICK ME UP SOME CREAM CHEESE, OKAY?
CREAM CHEESE.
FOR HIS CONDITIONER.
I'M ON IT!
OH!
HE NEEDS ME.
[hyperventilating]
[dance music]
HEY, EMILY, I WAS JUST TALKING TO YOUR DAD.
YEAH.
SAW YOU HUG.
YEAH, NO, NO, IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD.
NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE GET TO DO THAT.
SO, UM, I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU IF--
[techno music]
♪
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DANCING LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING.
BUT EVERYONE IS WATCHING!
EVEN BETTER.
♪
HE'S MAKING A FOOL OF HIMSELF.
I KNOW. IT'S KINDA SWEET.
I CAN'T LEAVE HIM HANGING.
♪
SO YOU WERE GONNA ASK ME SOMETHING?
YEAH, I WAS.
UM...
EMILY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO PROM WITH ME?
YES, I WOULD LOVE TO.
OH.
[hyperventilating]
WELL, DAVID, LOOKS LIKE OUR LITTLE GIRL
IS STILL OUR LITTLE GIRL.
YEAH, TOLD YOU NOT TO JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.
[laughs]
WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT TRUSTING HER
WHEN SHE SHOULD BE THE ONE WORRIED ABOUT TRUSTING US.
- YEAH. - HMM?
GUESS WE CAN'T WATCH HER FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
WE HAVE TO LET HER GROW UP ON HER OWN
AND HOPE THAT WE RAISED HER RIGHT.
HMM.
GOOD NEWS IS YOU DID A GREAT JOB WITH HER.
[laughs] THANKS.
OKAY, IT'S A MINUTE PAST 10:00,
LET'S SHUT THIS MOTHER DOWN.
YEP.
MAYBE JUST I SHOULD GO, BATMAN.
YES, GOOD CALL.
I'LL STAY HERE AND POWER DOWN THE BATCAVE FOR GOOD.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, STAMOS.
I HAD A GREAT TIME, JOE.
ME TOO.
YOU KNOW I'M A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR YOU, RIGHT?
I GUESS SO.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
IN ABOUT TEN YEARS, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL?
ONLY TEN YEARS.
AH.