1
00:00:10,619 --> 00:00:12,229
I LOVES MY SUPER SUGAR SNAPS
IN THE MORNING.

2
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:13,883
YEP.

3
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,493
NOW I'M READY
TO FACE LIFE'S CHALLENGES.

4
00:00:15,624 --> 00:00:18,366
JOE, YOU'RE TEN.

5
00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:21,108
WHAT LIFE CHALLENGES
COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE FACING

6
00:00:21,238 --> 00:00:23,501
OTHER THAN A WEDGIE?

7
00:00:23,632 --> 00:00:25,721
WELL, WEDGIES ARE MORE
COMPLICATED THAN YOU THINK.

8
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:27,940
THERE'S WEDGIE REMOVAL,

9
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:29,420
ACCIDENTAL FARTING
DURING WEDGIE REMOVAL--

10
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,943
AH, YES.

11
00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:33,033
- POST-WEDGIE SHAME.
- OF COURSE.

12
00:00:33,163 --> 00:00:36,427
- MM-HMM.
- FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

13
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:37,646
DAD.
- YES?

14
00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:39,039
REMEMBER YOU SAID
I COULD GO TO A MOVIE

15
00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:41,476
WITH MARY TONIGHT IF I DID WELL
ON MY FRENCH TEST?

16
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,304
DID YOU DO WELL
ON YOUR FRENCH TEST?

17
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:50,833
OOH!

18
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:52,269
I THINK I HEAR THE B-PLUS

19
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,141
IN THERE SOMEWHERE,
SO YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

20
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,012
HEY, GUYS, I NEED YOUR HELP.

21
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,970
I'VE GOT
A BIG CRYING SCENE TODAY,

22
00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:00,277
AND I CAN'T MUSTER ANY TEARS,

23
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:03,715
SO SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING MEAN
TO MAKE ME CRY.

24
00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:06,153
- WHAT, ARE WE STUPID?
- NO.

25
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:09,417
UH, I'M SERIOUS--
THE MEANER, THE BETTER.

26
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:18,208
JANIE, HONEY,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

27
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:21,429
- I CAN'T WHISTLE.
- AW.

28
00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:24,519
BABY, DON'T CRY--YOU'VE GOT
A FUN PLAYDATE TODAY, RIGHT?

29
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,129
WHO'S COMING?
- EVERYBODY.

30
00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:28,653
OOH!

31
00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:29,872
FUN!

32
00:01:30,002 --> 00:01:31,134
NEAT-O!

33
00:01:31,265 --> 00:01:33,876
EVERYBODY?
- YEAH.

34
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:37,445
YOU'RE ACTUALLY MIXING
ALL OF THE MOMS TOGETHER?

35
00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:40,622
YEAH, I FIGURED WHY HAVE
FIVE PLAYDATES A WEEK

36
00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:43,015
WHEN I CAN DO
ONE BIG, GIANT PLAYGROUP?

37
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,887
I'M SORRY, DAVID.

38
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:48,108
HAD I KNOWN THIS, I WOULD'VE
WARNED YOU ABOUT THESE MOMS.

39
00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:49,761
THEY ALL HAVE
VERY DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES

40
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,285
THAT DON'T MESH.

41
00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,678
THESE MOTHERS
EACH THINK THEY FIGURED OUT

42
00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:55,593
HOW TO BUILD THE PERFECT CHILD.

43
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:59,771
I'M TALKING ABOUT CODDLERS
AND HIPPIES AND TIGERS.

44
00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:02,470
OH, MY.

45
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,167
COME ON, HONEY--
I'M AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD.

46
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,213
I KNOW HOW TO KEEP THE PEACE.
- MM-HMM.

47
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:08,215
I HAVE CHARMED
AUDIENCES WORLDWIDE.

48
00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:10,260
I CAN TAKE CARE
OF A COUPLE OF MOMS,

49
00:02:10,391 --> 00:02:12,349
AND MOMS ARE MY KEY DEMOGRAPHIC,
BY THE WAY.

50
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,003
I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE.

51
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,048
MOMMY ALWAYS SAYS PLAYGROUPS
ARE FUN

52
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:17,876
WHEN HER FRIEND MARGARITA
IS THERE.

53
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:24,579
WELL, SHE'S A SALTY ONE--YEAH.

54
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:47,297
ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY HAVING FUN?

55
00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:50,170
JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING, OKAY, FOLKS?

56
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,085
OKAY, STOP PLAYING
WITH MY HAIR.

57
00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,611
I FEEL PRETTY ENOUGH.

58
00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:01,224
NOW HOW DO YOU SAY "HELLO"
IN MANDARIN?

59
00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:05,576
both: {\an8}<i>NI HAO.</i>

60
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,317
EXCELLENT PRONUNCIATION.
- WELL, THANK YOU.

61
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:08,971
I DID AN EPISODE
OF MY TV SHOW

62
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:10,364
WHERE I GOT STUCK
IN AN ELEVATOR

63
00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,322
WITH A PREGNANT CHINESE WOMAN,

64
00:03:12,453 --> 00:03:13,758
AND, YES, I DELIVERED THE BABY.

65
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,372
I'M SORRY, I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH YOUR PROGRAM.

66
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:19,982
WE DON'T ALLOW TELEVISION
IN OUR HOME.

67
00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:21,766
NO TV?

68
00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,508
ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO
GETS SEIZURES FROM THE LIGHT?

69
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,685
MY OLDEST NEVER WATCHED TV,

70
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:30,079
AND NOW, AT 16,
SHE'S AT HARVARD.

71
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,386
I BELIEVE
THAT MINDLESS ACTIVITY

72
00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:35,650
ENCOURAGES A CHILD TO BE
THE "ME" IN MEDIOCRE.

73
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,739
OH, WELL, IN OUR HOUSE,
WE BELIEVE

74
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:40,916
IN PUTTING THE "HOLLA"
IN SCHOLAR.

75
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:43,397
SCHOLLA!

76
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,616
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
IT'S SNACK TIME!

77
00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:48,271
DAVID, WE BROUGHT
OUR OWN SNACKS.

78
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:49,925
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY
SOME GLUTEN-FREE,

79
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:55,278
SUGAR-FREE
VEGAN BUCKWHEAT MUFFINS?

80
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:57,411
WOULD I?

81
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:09,423
WOW, THERE'S REALLY NO SUGAR
IN THESE MUFFINS.

82
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:12,904
UH, WITH NO GLUTEN,
YOU CAN REALLY SAVOR

83
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:15,385
THE GRITTINESS
OF THE BUCKWHEAT.

84
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:18,823
LEAF'S BEEN EATING HEALTHY
HIS WHOLE LIFE,

85
00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:23,480
AND NOW, HE'S BEING SCOUTED
FOR THE 2024 SUMMER GAMES.

86
00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:25,917
NO WAY--THEY START
PICKING THEM AT TEN?

87
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:27,310
HE'S SIX.

88
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:31,183
BACK THE TRUCK UP!

89
00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:34,274
DADDY, DR. MONKEY CHUNKS
AND I ARE HUNGRY.

90
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:35,971
OH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE ONE OF LEAF'S MUFFINS?

91
00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:38,103
WE'RE NOT THAT HUNGRY.

92
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:42,673
HUG, MAMA.

93
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:49,419
MAX, SWEETIE, YOU'VE ALREADY
HAD TWO HUGS TODAY.

94
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,942
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
TO YOUR DRAWING

95
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:53,467
AND SEE IF YOU STILL NEED
TO CASH IN FOR THAT LAST HUG.

96
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,863
WOW, YOU ONLY GIVE HIM
THREE HUGS A DAY?

97
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:02,214
I'M IN THE PROCESS OF WEANING
HIM OFF OF, WELL, ME.

98
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:05,043
OH.
YEAH, I BELIEVE IN WEANING.

99
00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:07,481
I'M A HUGE WEANER.

100
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:10,048
MAX SELF-SOOTHES
THROUGH CREATIVITY.

101
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:12,050
HIS ART HAS BEEN FEATURED
IN SEVERAL GALLERIES.

102
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:13,661
WOW.

103
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:16,098
WHEN A CHILD BECOMES DEPENDENT
ON A COMFORT ITEM,

104
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:17,926
THEY END UP LIKE THAT.

105
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,843
WHOA--

106
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:23,671
SO THAT'S HAPPENING.

107
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:31,766
CHARISE, LET'S SEE
IF WE CAN FILL

108
00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,942
THE HOLE IN YOUR HEART,

109
00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:36,336
BECAUSE AFTER 35 YEARS--
THAT'S RIGHT--

110
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:39,208
WE HAVE FOUND
YOUR IDENTICAL TWIN!

111
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:43,038
CHARISE, MEET CHARLIZE!

112
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:44,605
AW.

113
00:05:44,735 --> 00:05:48,652
AW, FOLKS--IF THIS DOESN'T
BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE,

114
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:51,873
YOU ARE MADE OF STONE.

115
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:54,179
I GOT NOTHING.

116
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,312
I'M MADE OF STONE, TOM.

117
00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,183
I CAN'T SHED A SINGLE TEAR.

118
00:05:58,314 --> 00:05:59,663
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- UH-UH.

119
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:02,144
CRYING ON COMMAND
IS YOUR THING, HONEY.

120
00:06:02,274 --> 00:06:05,408
WHAT IF I'VE LOST IT, DAVID?

121
00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:09,107
HEY, YOU WANNA TALK
ABOUT THE PLAYDATE?

122
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:11,719
SO, UH...

123
00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:13,503
PRETTY TOUGH GROUP
OF MOMS, HUH?

124
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:14,852
IT WAS REALLY KIND OF COOL.

125
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:16,941
IT WAS LIKE HAVING A PLAYDATE
WITH THE AVENGERS.

126
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:19,030
HEY, SAY WHAT YOU WANT
ABOUT NO-CODDLING

127
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,118
AND ALL THOSE OTHER
PARENTING STYLES.

128
00:06:20,249 --> 00:06:21,816
THOSE PARENTS GET RESULTS.

129
00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:22,947
THOSE KIDS WERE INCREDIBLE.

130
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,340
SO ARE OURS.

131
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,560
OUR KIDS ARE FANTASTIC.

132
00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:28,300
YEAH, I KNOW, HONEY,
BUT OUR KIDS ARE FANTASTIC

133
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:31,216
LIKE, "HEY, MOMMY, I MADE YOU
A MACARONI NECKLACE" FANTASTIC,

134
00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:33,784
AND I WANT "DADDY, I WON THIS
ACADEMY AWARD FOR YOU"

135
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,743
FANTASTIC.

136
00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:37,745
YOU REALIZE
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE, HONEY.

137
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,007
YOU ARE BEING SUCKED

138
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,226
INTO THE COMPETITIVE
PARENTING VORTEX.

139
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:43,751
OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS, HONEY.

140
00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:45,579
LOOK, I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN
TO BE A BUNCH OF SUPERHEROES.

141
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:47,407
I JUST WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.

142
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,107
- FOR THEM.
- THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

143
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:54,370
MM-HMM.

144
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:58,287
TODAY, WE ARE LUCKY TO HAVE
AS OUR GUEST

145
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,897
AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD

146
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:02,378
AND MY OWN PERSONAL HERO.

147
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,598
GIVE IT UP FOR DAVID HOBBS!

148
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,340
- THANK YOU, TOM.
- NO, NO, NO.

149
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:10,081
NO, NO.

150
00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:12,562
THANK YOU FOR GIVING THE WORLD

151
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:15,391
THREE SUCH
EXTRAORDINARY CHILDREN.

152
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,088
MY PLEASURE.

153
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:20,701
AS A SURPRISE,
WE ARE CONNECTED VIA SATELLITE

154
00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:23,704
WITH EACH
AND EVERY ONE OF THEM--

155
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:27,708
FIRST UP, YOUR DAUGHTER EMILY.
- OH!

156
00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:30,711
BONJOUR, PAPA.
BONJOUR, TOM BERGERON.

157
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,930
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
MERCI, PAPA.

158
00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:35,629
BECAUSE OF YOU, I AM
STANDING HERE AS THE FIRST EVER

159
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:38,066
AMERICAN-ELECTED PRESIDENT
OF FRANCE.

160
00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:39,981
{\an8}<i>VIVE LE FRANCE!</i>

161
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:41,852
OH, VIVA LA HOBBS!

162
00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:44,638
YEAH, INDEED.

163
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:47,684
YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.

164
00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:49,512
LET'S HAVE SOME CHEESE.

165
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,257
AND I BET YOU ARE EQUALLY
AS PROUD

166
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:58,173
AT THE 2024 SUMMER GAMES.

167
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:19,716
THANKS TO YOU, DAD, I WAS ABLE
TO WIN 15 GOLD MEDALS

168
00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:21,544
IN ONLY 12 EVENTS.

169
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:28,725
AND NOW
YOUR YOUNGEST CHILD JANIE

170
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:32,337
LIVE FROM THE JUNGLES
OF THE CONGO

171
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:35,515
WHERE SHE HAS TAKEN
HUMAN AND PRIMATE COMMUNICATION

172
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,647
TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

173
00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:42,347
PAINT, MONKEY, PAINT!

174
00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:53,358
THAT'LL DO, MONKEY.

175
00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,407
TRULY AMAZING,
DON'T YOU THINK?

176
00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:06,241
NOW, DAVID--DAVID, PLEASE,
IF YOU COULD SHARE WITH US

177
00:09:06,371 --> 00:09:07,547
HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO ACHIEVE

178
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:10,506
SUCH INCREDIBLE SUCCESS.

179
00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:14,336
DESCRIBE YOUR SPECIFIC
PARENTING STYLE.

180
00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:27,741
UH, WELL, TOM,
I ACTUALLY, UM--

181
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,307
YOU KNOW, I DON'T--
I'M NOT QUITE--

182
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:33,007
I'M NOT QUITE SURE THERE'S A--
- FORGET THE CHEESE, DAVID.

183
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:34,835
WE WANT AN ANSWER.

184
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:40,797
- I, UH, I--
- DAVID.

185
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,712
- I--I--
- DAVID.

186
00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:44,061
DAVID, WAKE UP!
- WHAT--WHAT?

187
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,454
- DAVID, WAKE UP!
- WHAT IS IT?

188
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,588
- DAVE--
- TOM BERGERON.

189
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:49,980
WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE?

190
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,982
HUH?

191
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,810
I NEED A PARENTING STYLE.

192
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:00,861
DAVID,
YOU GOT A GOLD MEDALIST,

193
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:04,125
THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE,
AND A MONKEY WHISPERER.

194
00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:06,127
I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM.

195
00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:08,608
THE PROBLEM IS--FOR ANY
OF THAT TO BECOME A REALITY,

196
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:11,262
I NEED A PARENTING STYLE.

197
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,177
SEE, THIS IS MY CURSE IN LIFE.

198
00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:15,876
I EVEN DREAM BIG.

199
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:17,312
WHO CARES
ABOUT PARENTING STYLES?

200
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:19,053
WE ARE STAY-AT-HOME DADS,

201
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:22,273
WHICH MEANS ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS STAY AT HOME.

202
00:10:22,404 --> 00:10:25,625
LET'S NOT RAISE THE BAR
ANY HIGHER THAN NECESSARY.

203
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,235
AS MY HEAD WRITER
ON THE SHOW,

204
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,629
HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE
MY PARENTING STYLE?

205
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,631
WE NEVER PUT THAT MUCH THOUGHT
INTO IT, MAN.

206
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:35,112
WE JUST WENT
WITH WHAT WAS FUNNY.

207
00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:36,940
YOU WANT A PARENTING STYLE?
- YEAH.

208
00:10:37,071 --> 00:10:38,768
WE GONNA WRITE YOU ONE.

209
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:40,378
PEOPLE!

210
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,554
LOOK, I KNOW WE HAVEN'T BEEN AT
THIS FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

211
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:43,555
THAT'S RIGHT.

212
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,514
AND WE'RE WORKING FOR FREE.

213
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,255
HEY, HEY, HEY--
I BOUGHT COFFEE.

214
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:48,996
BUT COME ON--
WE HAVE TO DO BETTER.

215
00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:51,476
I MEAN,
"DAVID STOPS A BANK ROBBERY"

216
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:54,610
IS NOT A PARENTING STYLE.

217
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:56,568
"DAVID RESCUES
AN INJURED DOLPHIN."

218
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:59,615
- THANK YOU.
- THAT IS NOT A PARENTING STYLE!

219
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,966
"DAVID GETS STUCK
IN SKINNY JEANS" IS A STYLE,

220
00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:05,055
BUT NOT A PARENTING STYLE.

221
00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:07,667
ANY THOUGHTS, DAVID?

222
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:08,624
YEAH, I'M THINKING
WE ENDED OUR SHOW

223
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:11,540
JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

224
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:12,759
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LIKE THE DOLPHIN ONE.

225
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:13,977
I THINK I COULD BE GREAT
IN THAT.

226
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:15,196
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

227
00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:16,850
THAT'D BE--
DUDE, WITH THE DOLPHIN?

228
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,504
GUYS, I--LOOK, I JUST THINK
WE'RE OVER-THINKING THIS, OKAY?

229
00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,071
DAVID'S GOT THREE KIDS.

230
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,030
HE DOESN'T NEED
ONE PARENTING STYLE.

231
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,901
HE CAN HAVE THREE
DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES.

232
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:26,555
- OH--
- NO, THAT'S HORRIBLE.

233
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:27,817
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HEY, HANG ON A SECOND.

234
00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:28,949
YVONNE, HANG ON. LISTEN--

235
00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:30,298
OH, ACTUALLY, IT'S YVETTE.

236
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:33,301
I WAS ON YOUR STAFF
FOR EIGHT YEARS.

237
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:34,650
OH, WELCOME.

238
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:36,870
SO LISTEN--
HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING.

239
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,176
I NEED YOU TO GO WITH ME
ON THIS ONE, OKAY, GUYS?

240
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:42,571
WHAT IF I HAVE THREE
DIFFERENT PARENTING APPROACHES,

241
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,790
ONE FOR EACH KID?

242
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:47,315
GENIUS!

243
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:51,580
GUYS, I JUST PITCHED THAT.

244
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,017
OH, NOW I REMEMBER YOU, YVETTE.

245
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,280
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO USED TO STEAL
ALL MY IDEAS.

246
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,549
DAD, HOW MUCH LONGER
ARE YOU GONNA TORTURE ME

247
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,247
WITH THESE STUPID FLASH CARDS?

248
00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:07,901
UNTIL YOU'RE FLUENT ENOUGH
IN FRENCH

249
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,467
SO THAT YOU CAN BECOME
THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE.

250
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:10,947
OKAY.

251
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,776
"EXCUSE ME--WHERE IS
THE NEAREST HOSPITAL?"

252
00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:19,434
OKAY.

253
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:22,393
UM, NEXT ONE.

254
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:24,221
"WHERE IS THE BUS STOP?"

255
00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:29,792
"FILET"--YEP, OKAY.

256
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:33,404
NOW--
- DAD, I GOT A B-PLUS IN FRENCH.

257
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,319
HOW ABOUT LETTING ME
HAVE A LITTLE DOWNTIME?

258
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,234
DOWNTIME--IS THAT
WHAT YOU WANT? DOWNTIME?

259
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:38,758
HANG ON A SECOND, HONEY.
HELLO, HARVARD?

260
00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:40,716
DO YOU HAVE A DEGREE
IN DOWNTIME?

261
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:44,589
YOU DON'T?
OH--THANK YOU.

262
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,113
- HEY, DAD?
- YEAH?

263
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:48,202
WHERE ARE
MY SUPER SUGAR SNAPS?

264
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:51,553
- I TOLD YOU--I TOSSED THEM.
- YOU WERE SERIOUS ABOUT THAT?

265
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,642
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
- JOE, TAKE IT EASY.

266
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,686
TAKE IT EASY.

267
00:12:54,817 --> 00:12:56,601
YOU ARE TAKING A BREAK
FROM SUGAR.

268
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:58,865
OH, HE GETS A BREAK,
BUT I DON'T?

269
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:02,607
I MUST BE HAVING A NIGHTMARE.

270
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:03,783
WAKE UP, JOE!
WAKE UP, JOE--

271
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:04,914
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

272
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:06,611
THIS IS NOT A NIGHTMARE.

273
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:09,919
ONE CAN BE A WORLD-CLASS ATHLETE
WITH A PROPER DIET.

274
00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:11,747
NOW, WHAT WE HAVE
IN FRONT OF YOU HERE

275
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:16,099
IS A VERY DELICIOUS VEGAN
FLAXSEED GLUTEN-FREE MUFFIN.

276
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:18,406
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ANY OF THOSE WORDS MEAN.

277
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,364
YEAH, NEITHER DO I.

278
00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:22,889
AFTER YOU EAT IT, JUST DON'T
STRAY TOO FAR FROM THE BATHROOM.

279
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:27,850
DADDY, I CAN'T FIND
DR. MONKEY CHUNKS.

280
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:30,200
I TOLD YOU, BABY--
I PUT HER UP.

281
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:31,854
YOU'RE ONLY GONNA HAVE HER
FOR TWO HOURS A DAY.

282
00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:34,465
YOU WERE SERIOUS ABOUT THAT?

283
00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,554
YOU'RE TOO OLD
FOR A COMFORT ITEM.

284
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:39,862
I'M FIVE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

285
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:41,995
NOW, I KNOW WHAT MISERY
TASTES LIKE.

286
00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:49,002
"YES, BROCK, IT'S ME--
YOUR MOTHER.

287
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:52,875
"I'M SO SORRY I WAS IN A COMA
WHILE YOU WERE IN PRISON

288
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:57,532
FRAMED FOR THE MURDER OF YOUR
WIFE'S BROTHER'S LOVER BROOKE."

289
00:13:57,662 --> 00:14:00,361
THERE YOU GO!
LOOK AT YOU WITH THE TEARS.

290
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:05,235
OH--FAKE TEARS.
REALLY, AMY?

291
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,759
COME ON, YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER
THAN THAT.

292
00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:09,892
I'M REALLY NOT.

293
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:12,286
DO NOT TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT.

294
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:14,375
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S THE PROBLEM AROUND HERE.

295
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:17,160
LOOK, HONEY--I WANT OUR KIDS
TO GO FOR THE GOLD, ALL RIGHT?

296
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:19,423
THAT'S WHY I'VE PUT A COUPLE
TWEAKS INTO MY PARENTING STYLE.

297
00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,773
HONEY, I'VE SEEN THE RESULT
OF YOUR TWEAKS,

298
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,993
AND YESTERDAY,
I CAME HOME,

299
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:26,909
AND I FOUND JOE
SUCKING TREE SAP.

300
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:27,779
SEE THAT?
THEY'RE RESPONDING.

301
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,956
THAT'S A GOOD THING.

302
00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:35,570
PAPER POLLY
WANTS TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.

303
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:40,270
AW, PAPER POLLY.

304
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:41,881
DAVID, BEFORE YOU GET
TOO EXCITED,

305
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:43,621
YOU MAY WANNA SEE
HOW JANIE'S DEALING

306
00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:45,928
WITHOUT DR. MONKEY CHUNKS.

307
00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:48,017
WHOA! HOW CREATIVE IS THIS?

308
00:14:48,148 --> 00:14:50,367
COME ON--THIS IS FANTASTIC, HONEY.

309
00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,804
PRETTY SOON, SHE'LL BE TEACHING
MONKEYS HOW TO PAINT.

310
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:54,067
WELL, THEY DID EVOLVE
INTO FATHERS,

311
00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:56,721
SO I GUESS ANYTHING
IS POSSIBLE.

312
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:04,294
GUYS, WE HAVE TO STOP DAD
FROM DESTROYING OUR LIVES,

313
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,296
AND TO DO THAT, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO STICK TOGETHER.

314
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:07,776
YOU KNOW WHAT STICKS TOGETHER?

315
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,647
SUGAR, AND WHEN YOU HEAT IT
WITH BUTTER AND CREAM

316
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,606
AND IT TURNS
INTO DELICIOUS CARAMEL.

317
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:16,393
JOE, DON'T GO SOFT ON ME.

318
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:17,394
YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOFT?

319
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:20,093
CINNAMON ROLLS ARE SOFT.

320
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:22,617
AND DR. MONKEY CHUNKS
IS SOFT

321
00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:26,186
FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER.

322
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:28,275
HEY, ANYBODY SEEN
MY CAR KEYS?

323
00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:29,798
WE HAVE YOUR KEYS, DAD.

324
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,756
WHY DO YOU HAVE MY KEYS?

325
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,976
BECAUSE THIS
IS AN INTERVENTION.

326
00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:36,152
WHAT? WHAT?

327
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,285
DAD, WE WANT TO GO BACK
TO THE WAY THINGS WERE.

328
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:39,939
NO!

329
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:41,505
EXTRAORDINARY CHILDREN
DO NOT GO BACK.

330
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,246
THEY PUSH FORWARD.

331
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:44,726
SEE? THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!

332
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:46,032
YOU GOTTA STOP THAT!

333
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,817
DAD, WE'RE TRYING
TO REASON WITH YOU.

334
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,253
DON'T MAKE US RESORT
TO PLAN B.

335
00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:51,602
OH, THERE'S A PLAN B?

336
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:52,821
LET ME GET A CUP OF COFFEE.

337
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,779
SORRY, DAD.
THERE IS NO COFFEE.

338
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,130
HAVE AN ORGANIC FLAXSEED
BRAN SQUARE,

339
00:15:57,260 --> 00:15:59,959
GRAB A MAGAZINE, AND DON'T
MAKE PLANS FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

340
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,354
IT'S ALL RIGHT--I'LL GET
MY OWN COFFEE, THANK YOU.

341
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,053
KEVIN! COFFEE!

342
00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:12,362
NO MORE COMFORT ITEM, DADDY.

343
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,190
YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR A KEVIN!

344
00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:18,847
OH, ALL RIGHT.

345
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:19,891
I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

346
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:22,068
OKAY.

347
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:24,679
TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE,
I WILL PLAY ALONG.

348
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:25,941
GAME ON.

349
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:27,899
DAVID! OH, HEY.

350
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,380
GOOD MORNING, LITTLE PEOPLE.

351
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,599
CHECK IT OUT, DAVID--

352
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:34,863
YOU, ME, THIS AFTERNOON,
AND A BOX OF CUBANS.

353
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,083
- NICE.
- OH, I AM SORRY, MARCUS.

354
00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:39,607
BUT THERE WILL BE
NO DOWNTIME FOR DAD, TODAY.

355
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:41,348
IF HE WANTS
TO BE A GREAT FATHER,

356
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,045
HE'S GOT SOME STUDYING TO DO.

357
00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:46,527
- ON WHAT?
- THE FAMILY BOOK.

358
00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:48,616
AND TONIGHT,
WE'RE DOING FLASH CARDS.

359
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,183
HM.

360
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:53,273
THE LITTLE PEOPLE ARE REBELLING.
I'M OUT.

361
00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:55,188
YOU KNOW, DAVID, YOU REALLY NEED
TO GET A PARENTING STYLE,

362
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:58,017
'CAUSE YOUR KIDS
ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

363
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,199
DAVID, DO YOU HAVE
ANY COFFEE?

364
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:07,417
COFFEE? YOU WANT COFFEE?

365
00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:09,332
I HAVEN'T HAD COFFEE
IN 36 HOURS, OKAY?

366
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:10,681
MY BODY'S IN A DEEP CLEANSE
RIGHT NOW,

367
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,161
AND I FEEL GREAT.

368
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:14,381
THIS POUNDING HEADACHE
THAT I'M HAVING RIGHT HERE

369
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,252
MEANS THAT IT'S WORKING,
SO IF YOU EXCUSE ME,

370
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:17,340
I'M GOING TO GO IN THE KITCHEN
RIGHT NOW,

371
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:18,863
HAVE A GLASS OF HOT WATER
AND LEMON,

372
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:20,256
AND I'M PSYCHED ABOUT IT,

373
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:22,084
AND THEN, I'M GONNA GO PRAY
FOR A QUICK DEATH!

374
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:38,927
MM.

375
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,189
I USED MY BODY HEAT
TO KEEP IT WARM.

376
00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:43,845
COME ON, I'LL GIVE YOU
5 BUCKS FOR THAT LOLLIPOP,

377
00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:45,934
AND THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

378
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,544
JOE, THE LOLLIPOP'S
IN HIS MOUTH.

379
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:48,719
DUH, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!

380
00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:50,982
ENJOYING YOUR COFFEE?

381
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,769
I'M SO SORRY, DAD.

382
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,597
I'M JUST NOT SWEET JOE
WITHOUT MY SUGAR.

383
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:03,604
HEY, DAD--GUESS WHAT?

384
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:06,433
I WENT FROM A B-PLUS
TO A "C" IN FRENCH

385
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,522
BECAUSE OF YOUR FLASH CARDS.

386
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,567
HELLO, HARVARD?
DO YOU ACCEPT "C" STUDENTS?

387
00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:12,134
YOU DON'T?
GOOD TO KNOW.

388
00:18:12,265 --> 00:18:14,876
YOU SHOULD'VE USED MY NAME.

389
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:17,183
IT'S A FAKE PHONE CALL!

390
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:19,446
YEAH, BUT STILL.

391
00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,274
NO-O-O-O!

392
00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:26,192
JANIE? WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT'S WRONG?

393
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:28,759
LOOK WHAT THEY DID
TO PAPER POLLY.

394
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:30,283
OH--WELL, SWEETIE,

395
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:33,808
LOOKS LIKE THEY JUST PICKED UP
A SPILL WITH IT.

396
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:37,028
THEY WIPED THE FLOOR
WITH HER FACE.

397
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,378
OH.

398
00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:41,642
PLEASE GIVE ME BACK
DR. MONKEY CHUNKS, DADDY.

399
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,557
PLEASE?

400
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:53,480
THIS IS CRAZY.

401
00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:00,574
HERE, SWEETHEART.

402
00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:02,358
- THANK YOU, DADDY.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY.

403
00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:04,055
I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA REGRET THAT.

404
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,187
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I REGRET

405
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:07,581
IS THINKING
THAT I HAD TO COME UP

406
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:14,240
WITH SOME FANCY PARENTING STYLE
AT THE EXPENSE OF MY KIDS.

407
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:15,545
I GUESS I GOT
MOMENTARILY DAZZLED

408
00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:17,330
BY YOUR FREAKISHLY STRONG

409
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:21,160
AND ACADEMICALLY-GIFTED
WIZARD CHILDREN.

410
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:26,121
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT
MY KIDS TO BE?

411
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,254
I WANT THEM TO BE THEMSELVES,
ALL RIGHT?

412
00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:30,865
BECAUSE THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME.

413
00:19:30,995 --> 00:19:33,955
COME HERE, GUYS.

414
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:35,739
THERE WE GO.

415
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:38,960
SORRY YOUR DAD GOT A LITTLE
CRAZY THERE FOR A MINUTE.

416
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:41,180
GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK, DADDY.

417
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:44,313
YOU MIGHT
WANNA LOOK AWAY, LADY.

418
00:19:44,444 --> 00:19:45,749
I WANT A HUG!

419
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,012
THERE YOU GO.

420
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:50,189
CAN YOU SHOW ME
WHAT A TV LOOKS LIKE?

421
00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:54,628
PLEASE DON'T MAKE US
EAT ANOTHER MUFFIN.

422
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:56,325
OH--OKAY.

423
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,679
- HI, HONEY.
- HEY--AMY, GUESS WHAT?

424
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:03,854
MY AGENT JUST CALLED.

425
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:06,030
I GOT OFFERED A ROLE
IN A NEW TV SERIES.

426
00:20:06,161 --> 00:20:08,424
WHAT, REALLY?

427
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:10,078
YEP, THAT MEANS
YOU HAVE TO QUIT WORK

428
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,906
AND BE
A STAY-AT-HOME MOM AGAIN.

429
00:20:12,036 --> 00:20:13,908
YOU'LL BE AT HOME FULL-TIME

430
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:16,040
DEALING WITH CODDLERS,
AND HIPPIES, AND TIGERS.

431
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:18,391
OH, MY.

432
00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:20,088
BUT DAVID,
I THOUGHT WE MADE A DEAL.

433
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,483
THIS IS--THIS IS MY TURN
TO GO BACK TO WORK.

434
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,748
HA! WAIT!

435
00:20:27,878 --> 00:20:29,706
I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW.

436
00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:32,056
OH, DAVID, YOU'RE THE BEST
HUSBAND IN THE WORLD, HONEY.

437
00:20:32,187 --> 00:20:33,144
YEAH, I KNOW.
I WAS GREAT.

438
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:35,277
NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

439
00:20:39,803 --> 00:20:41,501
I'M READY.