HERE YOU GO, BABY. LET ME SEE THE TOOTH.
YEAH!
LET'S DO ANGELINA JOLIE.
ATTA GIRL!
OKAY!
I'M OFF TO MY SOAP OPERA CONVENTION.
COME GIVE ME A HUG, YOU LITTLE TOOTHLESS WONDER!
BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO AWAY.
OH, I KNOW, SWEETIE, BUT IT'S PART OF MY JOB.
THIS IS WHEN MY FANS GET TO MEET ME...
AND BERATE ME FOR BEING A SOULLESS GOLD DIGGER, OKAY?
HEY, DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT, HONEY.
THEY ALSO HATE YOU FOR EMBEZZLING MONEY
FROM THE FORT PATINA FALLS ORPHANAGE.
GOOD THING THAT ORPHANAGE WAS JUST A FRONT FOR THE MOB.
THANKS FOR WATCHING, SWEETIE.
OKAY, MY HOTEL INFO.
AND I ALSO ASKED KEVIN TO GIVE YOU A HAND
WITH JOE AND JANIE. - WHY?
I WAS JUST GETTING THE HANG OF THEM.
NO, HE'S NOT.
WELL, EMILY'S GOING TO MATTHEW'S PROM
ON SATURDAY NIGHT,
AND YOU NEED TO FOCUS YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION ON...
UGH! I LOOK HIDEOUS!
OUR LITTLE PROMZILLA.
SHE'S OUT OF HER MIND.
SHE'S UP THERE STARING IN THE MIRROR LIKE,
"MY EARLOBES ARE GINORMOUS!"
"MY HAIR'S SO STUPID!"
YEAH, THAT WAS DADDY, SWEETIE.
SHE'S A FRESHMAN GOING TO THE JUNIOR PROM.
THIS IS A REAL-LIFE FAIRYTALE FOR HER.
THIS IS HER--HER MOMENT.
WHY AM I SO GASSY!
- PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US. - OH!
IT'S ONLY A COUPLE OF NIGHTS. AND I'M SORRY.
BECAUSE I WAS HOPING SHE'D PICK OUT HER DRESS
BEFORE I LEFT, BUT SHE COULDN'T DECIDE.
SHE SAID THE WOMAN AT THE DRESS SHOP
WAS "OUT TO DESTROY HER."
SO NOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER.
YEAH, BUT "I DON'T WANT TO."
YOU JUST NEED TO FOLLOW THESE VERY CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS.
NOW, WHEN EMILY ASKS HOW SHE LOOKS IN THE DRESSES,
YOU SMILE, YOU SAY SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL,
AND YOU SWIPE THAT CREDIT CARD.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE.
YOU WILL OPEN UP A CAN OF CRAZY
FOR WHICH THERE IS NO LID.
- OKAY, NOW... - ALL RIGHT?
WHAT PART ABOUT "'PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US' DID YOU NOT GET?"
- OH, THAT'S ME. - ALL RIGHT, GOOD-BYE.
- I LOVE YOU. - ALL RIGHT, YOU BE SAFE, HONEY.
- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.
OH! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, YOU SOULLESS GOLD DIGGER.
OOH!
MARCUS, YOU WATCHED.
I LOVE MY STORIES!
BYE, EMILY. I LOVE YOU.
I HAVE A FREAKIN' MUSTACHE!
SHE'S ALL YOURS.
- IT'S COMING! - DAD!
COME WITH US IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!
DO YOU SEE THIS PIMPLE FORMING BETWEEN MY EYES?
NO.
THAT'S BECAUSE MY EYEBROWS HAVE FINALLY MERGED
INTO A BUSHY UNIBROW!
BETWEEN THAT AND MY MUSTACHE, I'M BECOMING GRANDMA!
THIS IS ONE DAY I DO NOT ENVY YOUR LIFE.
MARY'S NOT GOING TO THE PROM.
YOU FEEL THAT? - YEAH.
EMILY!
- CARLOS ASKED YOU TO THE PROM? - YES!
BUT NOW I ONLY HAVE TWO DAYS
TO FIX THIS RIDICULOUSLY LONG GIRAFFE NECK.
THANKS FOR PASSING THAT DOWN, DAD.
WE NEED DRESSES!
LIKE NOW!
WE SHOULD'VE LEFT WITH THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
SMILE, "YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL,"
SWIPE.
SMI-- - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M REHEARSING MY LINE.
DAD? HELP ME!
HELP US ALL! AHH.
SO... HOW DO I LOOK?
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
MOM TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT, DIDN'T SHE?
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
SHE DID.
WELL, I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, DAD.
I KNEW IT! YOU THINK I LOOK KNOBBY.
LIKE I'M ALL ELBOWS AND KNEES.
I'M SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW.
I LOOK LIKE A BABY DEER STUFFED INTO A DRESS, DON'T I?
I KNEW IT!
NOW, I GOTTA FIND SOMETHING ELSE!
WHAT DO YOU THINK? AND DON'T SAY I LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
NICE?
YOU DON'T THINK I LOOK BEAUTIFUL?
DOES THIS SAY I'M TRYING TOO HARD,
OR NOT HARD ENOUGH?
YES.
- HOT. - EW.
FABULOUS!
EW.
YES! THIS IS THE ONE!
FINALLY ONE THAT I LOVE!
DON'T MOVE.
MAYBE THEY WILL FORGET THAT WE WERE HERE.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
SO DO YOU.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN BOTH WEAR THE SAME DRESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST KEEP LOOKING.
GOOD CALL.
both: HELP US!
LIKE NOW!
NOT REALLY A GOLD DIGGER.
AND I WASN'T REALLY IN A COMA.
BUT I'M ABOUT TO SLIP INTO ONE RIGHT NOW.
WE ARE NOT GONNA GET ANY ACTION TODAY.
SANTIAGO ALWAYS GETS ACTION.
MAN, OUR SHOW SUCKS.
OR IT COULD'VE BEEN THE...
THING.
- NO. - YEAH.
YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME.
I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
YOUR PARENTS HAVE TRUSTED ME TO BABYSIT YOU,
SO I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES.
THAT'S WHY YOU WOULDN'T LET ME
SHARPEN MY CRAYON.
HEY, UH, JOE'S BEEN TAKING A WHILE IN THE BATHROOM.
UH, YOU THINK HE'S OKAY, OR--
I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
OKAY.
OH!
HEY, KEVIN. JUST CHECKING IN.
HOW ARE THE KIDS? - ALIVE AND WELL.
BOTH OF THEM.
WELL, THAT IS THE GOAL.
OW!
WHAT WAS THAT?
UH, NOTHING.
JOE'S JUST WATCHING THE ANIMAL CHANNEL.
YEAH, JOE! OWLS ARE AWESOME!
OKAY, BYE NOW.
JOE, ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I JUST TRIPPED OVER MY OWN FOOT.
ARE YOU FEELING DIZZY, SHORT OF BREATH?
'CAUSE I CAN OPEN AN AIRWAY WITH A CRAYON!
NOT WITH PURPLE YOU'RE NOT!
- KEVIN, I'M FINE. - MAYBE YOU'RE IN SHOCK.
YOU SHOULD JUST SIT AND I'LL GET YOU ANYTHING YOU NEED.
ANYTHING?
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOCKED AT HOW TENDER IT IS.
I'LL TAKE SOME POPCORN AND A SODA.
AND MAYBE PUT ON A MOVIE WHEN YOU GET BACK.
I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
OW! I JUST TRIPPED OVER JOE'S OTHER FOOT!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I STILL DON'T HAVE A DRESS!
THEY SAID THEY HAD TO CLOSE THE SHOP
TO GO HOME AND "FEED THEIR CHILDREN?"
HA. I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT?
THE RETURN OF PROMZILLA.
OOH, LOOK AT THE TIME.
YOU CAN'T TELL TIME.
I CAN TELL WHEN IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.
EMILY, YOU--
YOU REALLY WANTED TO WEAR THAT DRESS, DIDN'T YOU?
YOU CAN TELL ME. MARY'S NOT HERE.
IT WAS THE ONLY ONE I LOVED, DAD.
AND MARY SHOULD'VE GIVEN ME DIBS.
I GOT ASKED TO THE PROM FIRST,
AND MATTHEW AND I HAVE BEEN A COUPLE FOR 102 DAYS.
AND IF WE'RE REALLY GETTING TECHNICAL,
I HAVE BLUE EYES.
AND THAT AQUAMARINE DRESS TOTALLY MADE THEM POP.
IT'S JUST I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED
MY FIRST PROM WOULD BE LIKE A FAIRY TALE.
SO MUCH FOR THAT.
AW, WAIT. EMILY.
EMI--
MARCUS?
DAVID?
MARCUS?
DAVID?
MARCUS.
DAVID.
EMILY REALLY WANTS THAT DRESS.
MARY REALLY WANTS THAT DRESS.
THERE'S ONE PROBLEM, MARCUS.
THE STORE SAID THERE'S ONLY ONE DRESS LEFT.
LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED,
MADE-IN-TAIWAN, AQUAMARINE DRESS STAND-OFF HERE.
MARCUS.
- DAVID. - MARCUS.
- OH! - MAR--
AHH!
AH. AH, AH, AH.
YOU CANNOT WIN, DAVID.
YOU'RE TOUCHING MY HAIR. SECURITY!
SECURITY, THAT--
I'M TV'S DAVID HOBBS,
AND THIS NON-CELEBRITY STRANGER IS STEALING MY DRESS!
WHOA! WHOA, WHOA!
IS HE GONNA BE OKAY?
YEAH, IT WEARS OFF IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
OH, OKAY, GOOD.
CAN I BORROW THAT?
THAT'S COLD, DAVID. THAT'S COLD.
both: AHH!
THANKS FOR THE SUNDAES.
I JUST HOPE I DON'T GET HURT CLEANING MY ROOM.
YEAH, AND SOMETIMES I TRIP ON MY POINTY TOYS.
NO, NO, WAIT. I'LL DO YOUR CHORES FOR YOU.
THAT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.
OH.
THAT'S YOUR MOM ON THE COMPUTER AGAIN.
JUST...STAY PUT.
- WHERE'S EMILY? - DAD!
THAT'S OUR CUE!
AAH!
GO! SAVE YOURSELF!
WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?
DAD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
YEAH, I KNOW, RIGHT? UNCLE MARCUS!
WHAT SMELLS LIKE IT'S BURNING?
UNCLE MARCUS!
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW THE GIRLS
THE "PRESENT" YOU HAVE IN THE BAG?
BECAUSE "I DON'T WANT TO."
DAD, WHAT DID YOU DO?
AAH! AAH!
HE PRIED THAT OUT OF MY TREMBLING HANDS
AT THE DRESS SHOP AFTER HE HAD ME TASERED!
DAD, DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE DEAL MARY AND I MADE?
YEAH, DAD, DIDN'T YOU HEAR HER SAY
WE WERE GONNA GET DIFFERENT DRESSES?
DID ANYBODY HEAR ME SAY I WAS TASERED?!
HEY, LOOK, IF ANYBODY SHOULD HAVE DIBS ON THAT DRESS,
IT'S EMILY.
SHE'S BEEN SEEING MATTHEW PETERSON FOR 102 DAYS,
AND THIS DRESS MAKES HER EYES POP.
BUT AQUAMARINE IS MARY'S BIRTHSTONE,
AND SHE'S BEEN WAITING 78 DAYS FOR CARLOS TO ASK HER.
AND THIS JUST IN...
HER FATHER WAS RECENTLY TASERED!
78 DAYS FOR CARLOS TO ASK?
SOUNDS LIKE YOU.
AND 102 DAYS? SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, WEAR THE STUPID DRESS.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO ANYMORE.
ME NEITHER.
HOPE YOU DIDN'T NEED THE RETURN RECEIPT.
HMM. HMM.
MMM!
HEY, MARCUS. MARCUS!
- WHAT? - THIS REMIND YOU OF ANYBODY?
UH...DAVID?
HI, HONEY.
UH...ABOUT HOW MUCH OF THAT DID YOU HEAR?
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OUR SHOW.
MM.
IS THE ONE WITH THE WIND-BLOWN HAIR THE VILLAIN?
IN THIS EPISODE, YES.
I'M SORRY, DAVID.
I-I NEVER ACCOUNTED FOR
TWO PROMZILLAS AND ONE DRESS.
BUT YOU AND MARCUS, YOU NEED TO FIX THIS!
THE MAN ATE MY RECEIPT.
AMY, IT'S HARD TO COME BACK FROM THAT.
KEVIN! GO GET MARCUS.
SERIOUSLY, GUYS, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF MEMORIES TOGETHER.
DO YOU REALLY WANNA RUIN THIS ONE FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS?
AMY, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.
THE GIRLS AREN'T TALKING TO EACH OTHER EITHER.
KEVIN?
YOU GIRLS HAVE SPENT YOUR WHOLE LIVES TOGETHER.
AND YOUR FATHERS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE.
LIKE THE FIRST DAY YOU MET.
I WANT Y'ALL TO WATCH SOMETHING.
- WE DID IT! - AH...
BOOM!
READY?
OOF!
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY.
THE FIRST TIME WE LEFT YOU ALONE WITH YOUR FATHERS...
HUH? HUH?
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
THE FIRST TIME YOU HAD SOLID FOODS...
TCH, TCH, TCH, TCH.
HA HA HA HA!
- DAVID! - WHAT?
SHE STARTED IT.
AND FINALLY...
THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.
- YOU READY? - I THINK SO.
JUST GLAD WE HAVE EACH OTHER.
SHOULD WE LEAVE
BEFORE WE START CRYING? - UHH. MIGHT BE TOO LATE.
YOU GIRLS HAVE HAD A LOT OF FIRSTS TOGETHER.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MISS OUT ON YOUR FIRST PROM?
PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!
THE GOLD DIGGER'S LAPTOP IS DOWN TO 10% POWER!
I'M SORRY, MARE-BEAR.
ME TOO.
- I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU.
SHOULD WE HUG TOO, MAN?
HUG THE MAN!
OH...
I NEED TO CALL MY BROTHER.
OKAY. THANKS.
THERE'S NOTHING IN OUR SIZE AT ANY OF THE OTHER STORES.
WHO ARE WE KIDDING? IT'S THE NIGHT BEFORE PROM.
WE'LL NEVER FIND DRESSES.
HOLD IT. WAIT. WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
MARCUS. - MM-HMM.
- LOOK AT THIS. - ACCESSORIZE A LITTLE BIT.
THAT IS...FABULOUS.
I'D DATE HIM IF HE WORE THIS DRESS.
OH, IT'S ALL GOOD, MAN.
WE'RE FRIENDS. WE MADE UP.
GUYS, STOP, PLEASE. WE JUST WON'T GO.
WHAT? NO, NO, EMILY, DON'T DO THAT.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP.
SORRY, DAD, BUT THIS ISN'T YOUR TV SHOW
AND LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE A FAIRY TALE ENDING.
WE'LL WAIT IN THE CAR.
WHAT DID WE DO IN OUR SPECIAL PROM EPISODE?
AH, LET'S SEE. HMM, WELL...
SOMEONE DIDN'T GET TASERED IN A DRESS SHOP--THAT'S FOR SURE!
THAT ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY FUNNY.
SERIOUSLY, MAN, COME ON, OUR JOB AS DADS
IS TO MAKE OUR DAUGHTERS' DREAMS COME TRUE.
WHO DO WE KNOW THAT WE CAN CALL TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN FOR US?
GOT IT.
UH--UH-- I SAID WE GOOD.
WHY YOU KEEP EYEBALLING ME, BRO?
DREAMS DO COME TRUE.
- DAD? - YEAH.
WHAT, EXACTLY, DO YOU THINK WE DREAM ABOUT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHEN YOU SAID YOU'D PULL SOME STRINGS
WITH YOUR WARDROBE PERSON,
I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE ATTACHED TO A TIME MACHINE.
YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
LIKE FAIRY PRINCESSES.
ONLY SAD.
JOE, WHAT DO YOU THINK? AND BE HONEST.
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE NOT.
YOU LOOK GREAT!
DAD, I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THIS,
BUT THERE'S NO WAY WE ARE GOING TO THE PROM LIKE THIS.
EMILY, LISTEN,
YOUR MOM SHOWED US THOSE GREAT MOMENTS FROM YOUR LIFE,
AND THE ONE MOMENT THAT I MISSED OF YOU
THAT I WILL NEVER GET BACK
IS THE MOMENT OF YOU TAKING YOUR FIRST STEP.
THAT IS A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME MOMENT.
AND SO IS THE PROM.
SO PLEASE...
PLEASE DON'T MISS THAT.
HE'S RIGHT. WE HAVE TO GO.
IN THESE?
OH--ARE THEY FIGHTING?
I DON'T KNOW. DON'T MOVE.
WE CAN TOTALLY MAKE THIS WORK,
BUT WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
LET'S CALL THE BOYS AND HAVE THEM MEET US THERE.
SEE?
SEE? SEE? WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
THEY'RE NOT YELLING AT US.
YEAH, MAN. IT'S COOL.
EMILY...
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
THIS TIME I BELIEVE YOU.
AND, DAD, NO MATTER HOW CRAZY THIS GOT
OR HOW CRAZY I GOT,
JUST WANNA SAY THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FUN, BABY GIRL.
MAKE SURE YOU DO IT GANGNAM STYLE...
STOP THAT, STOP THAT.
OH. OKAY.
YOU READY?
I THINK SO.
I'M JUST GLAD WE HAVE EACH OTHER.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
HEY, KEVIN.
WHERE ARE THE LITTLE FAKERS?
OH. THEY'RE SAFE NOW.
both: MOM!
FINALLY, YOU'RE HOME! GET US OUT OF THIS.
WHEN KEVIN TOLD ME ABOUT ALL YOUR INJURIES,
I WAS SO WORRIED!
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ALL IN ONE PIECE.
AND READY FOR SHIPPING.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, KEVIN.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO UNPACK MOMMY.
UNPACK US FIRST!
YEAH, IN A BIT.
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!
GREAT. NOW IT'S TRAPPED IN HERE!