1 00:00:00,292 --> 00:00:03,593 Kate: A year ago, I was single without a care in the world. 2 00:00:03,660 --> 00:00:05,428 Today, I'm married with three stepkids, 3 00:00:05,495 --> 00:00:08,698 and I'm wasted in the back of my husband's ex-wife's car ... 4 00:00:08,765 --> 00:00:10,766 His first ex-wife. 5 00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:12,802 You might be wondering the same thing I am ... 6 00:00:12,869 --> 00:00:14,737 How did I get here? 7 00:00:15,355 --> 00:00:19,425 ♪ Oh, it feels so right ♪ 8 00:00:19,492 --> 00:00:22,661 Well, last year, the closest thing I had to a family 9 00:00:22,729 --> 00:00:26,832 was my best friend, Meg, and we did everything together. 10 00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:29,167 We were ramen-eating... # Jump! # 11 00:00:29,235 --> 00:00:31,003 Random-dating, party-hopping single. # for my love, jump in ... # 12 00:00:31,070 --> 00:00:32,738 And we had fun. 13 00:00:32,805 --> 00:00:34,730 ♪ for my love, jump in ♪ 14 00:00:34,765 --> 00:00:36,341 Anytime one of us went through a breakup... 15 00:00:36,409 --> 00:00:39,044 We'd head to casa grande for karaoke. # and feel my touch ... # 16 00:00:39,045 --> 00:00:41,640 And lately, there was a log of karaoke. 17 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:42,881 but I was a romantic, # jump, jump, jump, jump # 18 00:00:42,949 --> 00:00:45,194 so I knew, when I finally met the right guy... 19 00:00:45,229 --> 00:00:46,552 I'd jump right in. # jump ... # 20 00:00:46,619 --> 00:00:49,288 ♪ if you want to taste my kisses in the night, then ♪ 21 00:00:49,355 --> 00:00:51,356 Oh. Ohh, ohh. Ow. ♪ jump, jump, jump ♪ 22 00:00:51,424 --> 00:00:53,125 So sorry. 23 00:00:53,193 --> 00:00:55,294 Uh... Okay, don't freak out, but you're ... you're bleeding. 24 00:00:55,361 --> 00:00:57,095 Can I get some napkins, please? 25 00:00:57,764 --> 00:01:00,690 - So sorry. - I'm ok... this hurts. 26 00:00:59,579 --> 00:01:02,171 He was charming and, even though I broke his nose, 27 00:01:02,206 --> 00:01:05,227 - He insisted the doctor see me first. - Oh, come on. You call that a scar? 28 00:01:05,281 --> 00:01:06,905 - Yeah. - Look at this. 29 00:01:06,973 --> 00:01:08,840 I slipped on an icy step in law school. 30 00:01:08,908 --> 00:01:11,577 Sued the school. I won. Paid for law school. 31 00:01:11,644 --> 00:01:12,911 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 32 00:01:12,979 --> 00:01:14,413 Check this one out. I punched a crossing guard. 33 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:18,183 2002. Cliff diving in Costa Rica. 34 00:01:18,251 --> 00:01:20,619 Right before I go, I notice this mole. 35 00:01:20,687 --> 00:01:24,723 - Melanoma. - Two things you should know about me. 36 00:01:24,791 --> 00:01:28,193 One, love Costa Rica. Two, hate melanoma. 37 00:01:28,228 --> 00:01:31,463 One thing you should know about me ... I'm allergic to nuts. 38 00:01:31,531 --> 00:01:35,633 - Dad! Dad! I'm still awake! - Whoa. What are you doing up, little man? 39 00:01:35,668 --> 00:01:37,269 And then I met his family. 40 00:01:37,337 --> 00:01:39,388 You know what? The babysitter called and said that you 41 00:01:39,389 --> 00:01:41,440 were in the hospital, so I rounded up the kids and told them 42 00:01:41,507 --> 00:01:43,542 - to prepare for the worst. - She did say that, yeah. 43 00:01:43,610 --> 00:01:44,776 - Hillary: Hi, dad. - You're married. 44 00:01:44,844 --> 00:01:49,081 - Uh, uh, this is my ex-wife Jackie. - Hi. I'm Jackie. 45 00:01:49,148 --> 00:01:50,515 - This is my son Warren, my daughter Hillary. - Hi. 46 00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:51,948 I found gum! 47 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,373 - Oh! Oh, don't, don't, don't. - Hillary: You should put that d... 48 00:01:54,408 --> 00:01:57,407 - Dad, Warren ... - Warren, drop it. 49 00:01:57,442 --> 00:01:58,590 It's probably covered in fecal matter. 50 00:01:58,658 --> 00:02:00,292 - Mom! - Yes! Mom! 51 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,861 - And then I met his whole family. - Hi, guys. I know. 52 00:02:02,929 --> 00:02:06,331 - You are married. - No. Uh, that's my other ex-wife. 53 00:02:06,399 --> 00:02:09,721 She's the mother of the twins. Jackie is Bert's mom. 54 00:02:09,756 --> 00:02:12,237 - I'm from China. - Oh. - From China. 55 00:02:12,305 --> 00:02:13,572 So, Pete, looks like Dr. Patel says 56 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,974 - that you broke your nose in a bar. - Yeah. 57 00:02:16,042 --> 00:02:18,260 - How did that happen? - Um... Wow. Uh... 58 00:02:18,261 --> 00:02:20,712 - I was in a restaurant. - Jackie: I'm sorry. 59 00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:23,015 Uh, okay, this is an ancient healing technique 60 00:02:23,050 --> 00:02:24,402 I've been really working on. 61 00:02:24,437 --> 00:02:27,252 - It's called Reiki, and it really does a thing. - No, uh... 62 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,922 Excuse me. Can you hold this, please, young lady? 63 00:02:29,989 --> 00:02:31,223 Jackie, do you mind if I just try 64 00:02:31,291 --> 00:02:32,758 a modern healing technique called science? 65 00:02:32,825 --> 00:02:33,992 - All right, sit up, please. - Sit up? 66 00:02:34,060 --> 00:02:35,770 - Kids, look away. - Do you know what you're ... 67 00:02:35,805 --> 00:02:37,296 - Ow! - Ohh! 68 00:02:37,363 --> 00:02:38,397 All right. Good. Thank you. 69 00:02:38,465 --> 00:02:40,477 All right. Let's go. Come on, guys. 70 00:02:40,512 --> 00:02:43,005 - Are you okay? - That hurt, but... I can breathe. 71 00:02:44,504 --> 00:02:48,440 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm totally fine. - Dad! I can't get this back in! 72 00:02:48,508 --> 00:02:49,441 Oh, Bert! 73 00:02:56,382 --> 00:02:59,852 Would you... ever want to go out for coffee? 74 00:02:59,919 --> 00:03:03,155 I'm free Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend. 75 00:03:03,223 --> 00:03:04,456 Some girls would have said no, 76 00:03:04,524 --> 00:03:07,626 but I liked him, so I jumped right in. 77 00:03:08,033 --> 00:03:09,979 Sure. Yeah. 78 00:03:10,014 --> 00:03:10,900 I'm, uh... I think I'm ... 79 00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:13,732 - I'm free every other weekend. - Good. 80 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,567 I mean, I always wanted a husband and family. 81 00:03:15,635 --> 00:03:18,871 I just didn't expect to meet them all in one night. 82 00:03:18,938 --> 00:03:23,321 So now I'm here, and I've got everything under control. 83 00:03:28,231 --> 00:03:30,933 Aah, you little... come on! 84 00:03:31,001 --> 00:03:33,069 Just shut up! 85 00:03:33,136 --> 00:03:34,704 Come ... 86 00:03:34,771 --> 00:03:36,205 Yes. 87 00:03:37,123 --> 00:03:39,391 Hey, guys. Just making breakfast. 88 00:03:39,459 --> 00:03:42,160 - Yeah, we heard. - Oh. Hey, hey. 89 00:03:42,228 --> 00:03:43,962 - My trident. - Oh. Thanks, Warren. 90 00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:47,766 I'm not Warren. I'm Poseidon, God of the Sea! 91 00:03:47,834 --> 00:03:49,701 Aw. That's great. 92 00:03:49,769 --> 00:03:51,970 Hey, less smoke than yesterday. 93 00:03:52,038 --> 00:03:53,672 - Dad, yes! Hey. - You need some help? 94 00:03:53,739 --> 00:03:54,639 No, no. I'm getting the hang of it. 95 00:03:54,707 --> 00:03:55,774 - I love you. - Both: Mwah. 96 00:03:55,842 --> 00:03:57,676 How's the case going? 97 00:03:57,743 --> 00:03:59,423 Uh, it's going well. I have all the evidence. 98 00:03:59,458 --> 00:04:01,113 - I-I just can't put together the... - The argument? 99 00:04:01,114 --> 00:04:03,315 The easel. Guys, you got to go to school. 100 00:04:03,382 --> 00:04:06,418 Chop-chop. I love you both. I love you, too. 101 00:04:06,486 --> 00:04:07,819 Have fun at Model U.N. 102 00:04:07,887 --> 00:04:09,354 - Thanks. I will. Okay. - Warren: Bye, dad. 103 00:04:09,422 --> 00:04:11,199 So, Hil, you excited for the concert? 104 00:04:11,557 --> 00:04:14,326 - Okay, good talk. - She's going with Chelsea Trassen. 105 00:04:14,393 --> 00:04:15,794 Who's Chelsea Trassen? 106 00:04:15,862 --> 00:04:17,395 This junior with an awesome butt. 107 00:04:17,463 --> 00:04:19,865 You know, Hil, when I was your age, I loved going to concerts. 108 00:04:19,932 --> 00:04:22,734 There was this one year we were at Lollapalooza, 109 00:04:22,802 --> 00:04:24,403 and it just started pouring rain, 110 00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:27,639 ad everyone was just moshing in the mud, totally drunk. 111 00:04:27,707 --> 00:04:30,575 What do you mean, drunk? Did you have a fake? 112 00:04:30,643 --> 00:04:33,245 No. We just put vodka in the water bottles 113 00:04:33,312 --> 00:04:35,247 - to get past security. - Oh. Right. 114 00:04:35,314 --> 00:04:37,887 So, it stops raining, and the biggest rainbow pops out. 115 00:04:37,951 --> 00:04:41,219 A rainbow? Wow! Our ride's here. 116 00:04:41,287 --> 00:04:42,888 - Talk to you later, Kate. - Bye, Warren. 117 00:04:42,955 --> 00:04:44,840 Thanks for the breakfast. 118 00:04:44,641 --> 00:04:48,360 - Have fun at Model U.N., Hil. - You can stop trying so hard. 119 00:04:48,428 --> 00:04:50,262 No one expects you to be a mom. 120 00:04:50,330 --> 00:04:54,399 Just think of yourself more as my Dad's third wife. Bye. 121 00:04:57,136 --> 00:04:59,204 Um, no, that ... that won't work 122 00:04:59,272 --> 00:05:02,708 because his mom is in surgery and I'm preparing a case. 123 00:05:02,775 --> 00:05:06,078 Uh, it's Warren's teacher. She wants me to come in. 124 00:05:06,145 --> 00:05:09,381 Does it have to be today? 125 00:05:09,449 --> 00:05:11,583 I'll go. I'll go. 126 00:05:11,651 --> 00:05:13,919 Please, it'll give me the chance to be like a ... 127 00:05:13,987 --> 00:05:18,090 - you know, uh, like a parent. - But Bert's got orchestra. 128 00:05:18,157 --> 00:05:20,659 No, I'll get Meg to take him. She got a car. A-and a license. 129 00:05:20,727 --> 00:05:22,561 You know what? 130 00:05:22,629 --> 00:05:25,330 My ... my wife is gonna come in, Warren's stepmom. 131 00:05:25,398 --> 00:05:30,402 No, uh... his new stepmom. Yeah, she will be there. 132 00:05:30,470 --> 00:05:32,538 Okay. 133 00:05:32,605 --> 00:05:34,273 - Like this. Like this. - Who's the queen? Who's the queen? 134 00:05:34,340 --> 00:05:35,140 Oh, your mama's the queen. 135 00:05:35,208 --> 00:05:36,542 You're gonna do great. 136 00:05:36,609 --> 00:05:38,829 Oh, I'm gonna do great. Oh, I'm gonna do great. 137 00:05:38,864 --> 00:05:40,045 Oh, gonna do great! 138 00:05:40,113 --> 00:05:42,347 Why don't I just ... I'm gonna hold it. 139 00:05:51,991 --> 00:05:55,123 - Hey. What's up, milf? - Shut up, toolbox. 140 00:05:58,197 --> 00:06:00,135 - Hey, Jackie. - Bert: Hi, Meg! 141 00:06:00,170 --> 00:06:02,834 Kate asked me to take bert to orchestra today. 142 00:06:02,902 --> 00:06:05,103 Oh! 143 00:06:05,171 --> 00:06:08,740 I ... you know, I would do it myself, but my day is nuts. 144 00:06:08,808 --> 00:06:10,042 Crazy. It's cuckoo. 145 00:06:10,109 --> 00:06:13,712 I joined this organic food co-op. It's so great. 146 00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:17,315 I mean, I got 30 zucchinis for 6... bucks. 147 00:06:17,350 --> 00:06:18,784 - Wow. - Yeah, I was like, "what?" 148 00:06:18,851 --> 00:06:19,851 They're like, "yeah." I go, "what?" 149 00:06:19,919 --> 00:06:23,155 Can we ... He all right, I'll see you on Monday. 150 00:06:23,223 --> 00:06:26,291 But in the meantime, just take these with you, okay? 151 00:06:26,359 --> 00:06:28,026 1,000 hugs, 152 00:06:28,094 --> 00:06:30,829 2,000 noseys, 3,000 butterfly kisses. 153 00:06:30,897 --> 00:06:33,332 You know Monday's in three days, right? 154 00:06:33,399 --> 00:06:36,101 Yeah. Okay. Have fun. 155 00:06:36,569 --> 00:06:39,171 Hello? Hi, Ms. Steinberg? 156 00:06:39,238 --> 00:06:42,842 I'm Kate Harrison, Warren's stepmother. 157 00:06:42,868 --> 00:06:44,176 - Oh. - Lovely to meet you. 158 00:06:44,244 --> 00:06:45,978 Oh, my goodness, you're so young. 159 00:06:46,045 --> 00:06:49,081 - You could be a student here. - Oh, so could you. 160 00:06:49,148 --> 00:06:52,684 A student of life, you know? 161 00:06:52,752 --> 00:06:56,855 We're all aging. Great pin. 162 00:06:56,923 --> 00:06:59,858 Uh, thank you. 163 00:06:59,926 --> 00:07:01,360 I'm gonna just... I'm gonna sit. 164 00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:04,459 Yeah. 165 00:07:05,138 --> 00:07:07,121 Brought a notepad. 166 00:07:09,102 --> 00:07:11,302 Diane! 167 00:07:11,370 --> 00:07:14,005 Oh, I didn't think you were coming. 168 00:07:14,073 --> 00:07:17,008 Of course I was coming. Warren's my son. 169 00:07:17,076 --> 00:07:19,377 - Hi, Greta. - Dr. Buckley. 170 00:07:19,445 --> 00:07:22,247 - Where's Peter? - Oh, he's working, so I'm here. 171 00:07:22,314 --> 00:07:25,183 Well, I had to postpone an osteochondral autograft this afternoon, 172 00:07:25,251 --> 00:07:27,418 but you don't see me making a federal case about it. 173 00:07:27,486 --> 00:07:30,188 Oh, well, actually, it is a federal case, so... 174 00:07:30,256 --> 00:07:33,925 he's making about it... what it is about. 175 00:07:35,127 --> 00:07:38,997 - Let's begin, shall we? - Yes. 176 00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:44,669 So, saxophone, that's your thing? I don't know. 177 00:07:44,737 --> 00:07:49,141 I like soccer, I like the solar system, and I like Legos. 178 00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:54,179 I'm saving up my allowance to buy Lego fire station. It's $106. 179 00:07:54,247 --> 00:07:56,381 - How much do you have? - $8. 180 00:07:56,449 --> 00:07:58,116 Good luck with that. 181 00:07:59,952 --> 00:08:02,320 Are you taking me to a bar? 182 00:08:04,157 --> 00:08:06,191 I won't go in. 183 00:08:06,259 --> 00:08:12,030 Relax. I'll be out in two seconds. I'm just gonna pick up my paycheck. 184 00:08:12,098 --> 00:08:16,935 I have to be there by 3:00! If we're late, I don't get to solo! 185 00:08:23,443 --> 00:08:25,043 Kate? 186 00:08:28,281 --> 00:08:30,115 Kate, is that you? 187 00:08:32,218 --> 00:08:34,986 How did it go? 188 00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:45,558 - Jackie, what are you doing here? - Um, just... a little hamster stuff. 189 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,633 What do you mean, an "unusual passage"? 190 00:08:48,701 --> 00:08:50,969 Well, we've been reading Greek mythology. 191 00:08:51,037 --> 00:08:54,406 Oh, yeah, Warren is really into Poseidon, God of the Sea. 192 00:08:54,474 --> 00:08:56,842 Yes, Kate, everybody knows who Poseidon is. 193 00:08:56,909 --> 00:08:58,176 Yes. 194 00:08:58,244 --> 00:09:01,695 Perhaps if you would just read what he wrote. 195 00:09:01,730 --> 00:09:02,647 Okay. 196 00:09:04,517 --> 00:09:08,008 "Poseidon left the sea, where he lived 197 00:09:07,043 --> 00:09:09,108 and came to the island, where she lived. 198 00:09:09,143 --> 00:09:13,318 Poseidon moved in to kiss her. "I'm too old for you," she said, 199 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:17,542 her breasts heaving like milky grapefruits." 200 00:09:17,577 --> 00:09:19,752 Oh, my god. 201 00:09:20,557 --> 00:09:23,522 Sorry. Please proceed. 202 00:09:23,569 --> 00:09:26,505 "Age ain't nothing but a number," declared Poseidon. 203 00:09:26,572 --> 00:09:28,607 and then, with his agile tongue, 204 00:09:28,674 --> 00:09:31,643 he licked her ankle tattoo until it glistened." 205 00:09:31,711 --> 00:09:35,013 - Hmm? - "He could wait no longer. 206 00:09:35,081 --> 00:09:37,282 His mighty trident ripped through his ..." 207 00:09:37,350 --> 00:09:38,784 Hello! 208 00:09:38,851 --> 00:09:40,452 - That's enough. - That's enough. 209 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,854 How could he have thought this was appropriate to turn in? 210 00:09:42,922 --> 00:09:44,723 I'm as shocked as you are, Diane. 211 00:09:44,791 --> 00:09:48,326 We are both equally as shocked, and I am dismayed. 212 00:09:48,394 --> 00:09:49,494 Diane, are you dismayed? 213 00:09:49,562 --> 00:09:53,265 - What is that on your ankle? - What's what? 214 00:09:53,332 --> 00:09:56,268 It's you ... your milky grapefruits. 215 00:09:59,344 --> 00:10:02,012 Oh, come on, Diane. 216 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,509 Th-this story might not be about me. 217 00:10:04,544 --> 00:10:07,740 And let's be honest. These are not grapefruits, okay? 218 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:10,012 These are peaches, at most. 219 00:10:10,047 --> 00:10:13,116 - No complaints. Not relevant. - Okay, please, Kate, it's obvious 220 00:10:13,151 --> 00:10:15,158 that you're the subject of Warren's erotica. 221 00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:17,059 When my children are at your house, what do you wear? 222 00:10:17,127 --> 00:10:18,661 - Nothing! - Mm-hmm. - Mm. 223 00:10:18,729 --> 00:10:20,596 No! I-I wear pajamas, of course. 224 00:10:20,664 --> 00:10:23,533 I mean, Warren is a 15-year-old boy. 225 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,835 A strong gust of wind could give him an erection. 226 00:10:25,903 --> 00:10:28,304 I'm a Doctor, Kate. 227 00:10:28,372 --> 00:10:31,541 I have forgotten more about erections than you'll ever learn. 228 00:10:31,608 --> 00:10:35,511 Okay. Why don't we discuss how we'd like to... proceed? 229 00:10:35,579 --> 00:10:38,014 I think it'd be best if you let me handle it from here. 230 00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:42,452 Of course. 231 00:10:43,747 --> 00:10:47,790 It was lovely meeting you, Ms. Steinberg. 232 00:10:47,858 --> 00:10:50,159 - Sorry. - Oh! 233 00:10:50,227 --> 00:10:51,661 Uh, sorry, Diane. 234 00:10:51,728 --> 00:10:53,463 Okay, just to review. 235 00:10:53,530 --> 00:10:56,599 Instead of having a difficult but honest discussion with Bert, 236 00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:58,301 you chose to break into my home, 237 00:10:58,368 --> 00:10:59,869 - kidnap my hamster... - Uh-huh. Yeah. 238 00:10:59,937 --> 00:11:02,305 ...replace it with your dead hamster, and make me deal with it? 239 00:11:02,372 --> 00:11:04,340 Uh... yeah. Correct. 240 00:11:04,408 --> 00:11:06,075 And since, you know, Jose and Meatball ... 241 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:10,246 don't look ... are twins, I just thought I'd just, you know... 242 00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,316 And I didn't break into your home. 243 00:11:13,383 --> 00:11:16,386 - Relax. I used the hide-a-key. - We don't have a hide-a-key. 244 00:11:16,453 --> 00:11:18,321 - I do. - You have a hide-a-key? 245 00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:19,689 Well, don't worry. It's, like, hidden. 246 00:11:19,757 --> 00:11:21,591 - Give me Jose. - No. 247 00:11:21,659 --> 00:11:22,792 - Give me the hamster. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 248 00:11:22,860 --> 00:11:24,194 - Oh, shoot! Oh, oh! - Jose, come here. 249 00:11:24,262 --> 00:11:25,196 - Don't let him get away! - No, no! 250 00:11:30,434 --> 00:11:34,104 Okay, well, we'll just ... we'll put him back in the cage, 251 00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:37,107 - and you'll tell him that he just... - Exploded? 252 00:11:37,775 --> 00:11:39,643 Oh. Good. 253 00:11:41,445 --> 00:11:44,748 - So, my stepson is a horndog. - What's a horndog? 254 00:11:45,983 --> 00:11:50,187 It's a super-cute dog! Hi, buddy. 255 00:11:50,254 --> 00:11:52,189 Why are you calling me from Meg's phone? 256 00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:55,058 She left me in the car and went to a bar. 257 00:11:55,126 --> 00:11:56,693 Are you okay? 258 00:11:56,761 --> 00:11:59,496 Yeah, the window's open a little, so I can breathe. 259 00:11:59,564 --> 00:12:01,698 Great. Good. Well, you just make sure that 260 00:12:01,699 --> 00:12:03,833 Meg calls me as soon as she gets back, okay? 261 00:12:03,901 --> 00:12:07,637 Um, okay, sure. Bye. 262 00:12:07,705 --> 00:12:09,206 Unbelievable! 263 00:12:09,273 --> 00:12:11,274 Ugh! This day! 264 00:12:13,311 --> 00:12:17,247 - Let me in. - No. I'm late. Now I can't solo. 265 00:12:17,315 --> 00:12:19,449 Yes, you can. You can solo alone. 266 00:12:19,517 --> 00:12:21,645 That's what solo means ... alone. 267 00:12:23,054 --> 00:12:25,168 I am a grown-up, and as a grown-up, 268 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,889 - I command you to open this door. - You're not even a real grown-up. 269 00:12:27,924 --> 00:12:30,360 Your car is full of garbage and shoes. 270 00:12:30,428 --> 00:12:33,063 How about you buy me the fire station? 271 00:12:33,131 --> 00:12:34,564 Why don't you let me in the car, 272 00:12:34,632 --> 00:12:36,633 and we'll drive to the toy store together? 273 00:12:37,969 --> 00:12:42,503 Do you think I was born yesterday? I was born in 2006! 274 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,247 I think you can walk. 275 00:12:46,282 --> 00:12:48,812 This is great. Now I can get back to work. 276 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:52,182 Oh, I can't believe we found two identical spotted hamsters. 277 00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:54,853 All right, that'll be $34.99 for the two of them. 278 00:12:54,888 --> 00:12:57,663 - Oh, we're paying separately. - We're divorced. 279 00:12:57,698 --> 00:13:00,023 - Focus. - Yeah, I mean, he does pay me alimony. 280 00:13:00,091 --> 00:13:02,938 - Focus. - Yeah. Okay. Oh. Uh, sorry. 281 00:13:02,973 --> 00:13:04,847 Hamsters. Um... 282 00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:06,959 Just have so much stuff in here. 283 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,415 - What is that? - This? It's a phone. 284 00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:13,347 - In the bag. - Oh. Oh. This is nothing. 285 00:13:13,382 --> 00:13:17,277 You should see the one he killed. 286 00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:18,489 Get out! 287 00:13:18,524 --> 00:13:20,293 - Come on. - Out! 288 00:13:22,519 --> 00:13:24,114 What a hell... 289 00:13:26,450 --> 00:13:27,817 Hillary! 290 00:13:31,255 --> 00:13:32,822 What are you doing here, subbing? 291 00:13:32,890 --> 00:13:34,257 That better not be what I think it is. 292 00:13:34,325 --> 00:13:35,992 I'm allowed to drink water. 293 00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:38,728 That was a story, Hil, not a helpful hint. Now give me the bottle. 294 00:13:38,796 --> 00:13:41,798 - No. - Hillary! Let's go! 295 00:13:41,866 --> 00:13:44,834 Give me the bottle or I'm telling your mother. 296 00:13:44,902 --> 00:13:47,604 Please don't let my mom find out. You know how she is. 297 00:13:47,672 --> 00:13:50,006 When I cut gym, she made me train for a 10k. 298 00:13:50,074 --> 00:13:52,845 Fine, but me and your dad are gonna ground the crap out of you. 299 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:57,247 - "Your dad and I." - Hillary, let's go. 300 00:13:57,315 --> 00:14:01,184 - Kate, have Peter call me this evening. - Of course. 301 00:14:01,252 --> 00:14:03,186 You know what? I'm thirsty. I need a soda. 302 00:14:03,254 --> 00:14:05,465 You're not having soda. Soda is for summer. 303 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,435 Kate, give him your water. 304 00:14:09,469 --> 00:14:14,598 - Kate, the water bottle. - It's warm. 305 00:14:14,665 --> 00:14:18,430 - What difference does that make? - No! 306 00:14:18,465 --> 00:14:21,838 I'm really thirsty, too. 307 00:14:46,162 --> 00:14:47,797 That hit the spot. 308 00:14:47,865 --> 00:14:52,435 Charming. Come on, sweetie. Hil? 309 00:15:01,298 --> 00:15:04,066 I don't understand how a person can just lose their car keys. 310 00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:09,004 - Warren! - Warren, behave yourself. 311 00:15:08,172 --> 00:15:10,455 - I didn't do anything! - Kate! 312 00:15:10,774 --> 00:15:12,008 Do you want some mints? 313 00:15:15,045 --> 00:15:17,046 Thank you, stepdaughter. 314 00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:19,482 - Kate, can I have one of those? - No. 315 00:15:27,324 --> 00:15:29,058 This is the fourth store we've been to. 316 00:15:29,126 --> 00:15:30,827 No twins. We're screwed. 317 00:15:30,895 --> 00:15:32,762 So like my Pete. 318 00:15:32,830 --> 00:15:37,567 - Oh, so focused on the negative. - Jackie, it's over. It's over. 319 00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:42,705 - Well, what are you gonna tell Bert? - We are gonna tell him the truth. 320 00:15:42,773 --> 00:15:44,507 No matter how painful, no matter how difficult, 321 00:15:44,575 --> 00:15:47,143 - we tell him the truth. - It's no big deal. 322 00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:49,512 Just tell him the truth, no matter how many tears... 323 00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:50,980 - Don't ... don't. - ...go down his little... 324 00:15:51,048 --> 00:15:53,356 - If you cry, he cries. - teddy-bear cheeks. 325 00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:57,520 Ah, thanks for the ride, Dr. Pepper. 326 00:15:57,588 --> 00:15:59,422 Oh. No, no, no, no, no. 327 00:15:59,490 --> 00:16:01,157 I'll be going inside 328 00:16:01,225 --> 00:16:03,593 to discuss today's events with... Peter! 329 00:16:03,661 --> 00:16:08,431 Oh, don't. I'll go inside and discuss the day's events with... Peter! 330 00:16:08,466 --> 00:16:10,567 Kate, Meg got me a present! 331 00:16:10,634 --> 00:16:12,368 - That's great! - Oh. 332 00:16:12,436 --> 00:16:13,536 - Hi! - Hey. Finally. 333 00:16:13,604 --> 00:16:15,405 What the hell? You left him in the car? 334 00:16:15,472 --> 00:16:18,002 And then he took me for $100.-He's no victim. 335 00:16:18,037 --> 00:16:19,375 Bert: I got a fire station. 336 00:16:19,443 --> 00:16:20,877 Peter, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. 337 00:16:20,945 --> 00:16:22,512 Can everybody please just go home? 338 00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:24,981 Mmm! 339 00:16:25,049 --> 00:16:27,450 Oh! Diane, you are an oak. 340 00:16:27,518 --> 00:16:29,052 - Awesome. Just a second. - Uh... 341 00:16:29,119 --> 00:16:31,254 - Baby. - One second. 342 00:16:31,322 --> 00:16:33,590 Uh, we need to give Bert his... 343 00:16:33,657 --> 00:16:35,892 - Brand-new what? - ...brand-new... 344 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,927 - Puppy! - puppy! 345 00:16:37,995 --> 00:16:40,530 Oh, my god! I got a horndog! 346 00:16:40,598 --> 00:16:41,998 - Yes. - It's a rescue. 347 00:16:42,066 --> 00:16:43,299 They were gonna euthanize it, you guys. 348 00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,301 - Hey. - What's euthanize? 349 00:16:48,786 --> 00:16:51,861 Ok! Neighbors are filming. In the house. 350 00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:55,298 - Dad! Horndog needs water! He's dying! - Yeah? 351 00:16:55,366 --> 00:16:56,666 Water? I got it. I got it. I got it. 352 00:16:58,269 --> 00:17:01,037 Peter, I need to speak to you about Warren in private. 353 00:17:01,105 --> 00:17:04,641 - There are no secrets in this family. - I have a secret, too, actually, 354 00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:06,976 and I think we should go in order of wives. 355 00:17:07,044 --> 00:17:08,745 - Me first. - Okay. Uh, Kate? 356 00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:13,583 Yeah, Peter... our son wrote an erotic story about your new... 357 00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:17,153 - You kidding? Erotic... ? - Oh, I know you're talking about me. 358 00:17:17,221 --> 00:17:19,923 Oh, my god, these flavors are outrageous. 359 00:17:19,990 --> 00:17:21,124 Hey, can I have Bert's fire station? 360 00:17:21,191 --> 00:17:23,893 - Is that poo? - Poo? Poo! 361 00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,495 - Ew! - I'm sorry. I got it. I got it. I got it. 362 00:17:25,563 --> 00:17:27,397 - Hello? Hillary? - Did he poo? 363 00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:29,365 - What? - Look. It's another person. 364 00:17:29,433 --> 00:17:31,734 - Peter: Want to clean it up? - What is this, guys, thanksgiving? 365 00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:33,870 - Whoa, whoa. Chelsea. - Hey. Hi. 366 00:17:33,937 --> 00:17:38,107 Uh, fancy meeting you here. Yeah, uh, are you... 367 00:17:38,175 --> 00:17:41,911 - ...excited for daylight savings? - Um... sure? 368 00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:43,313 - Ex-extra hour of sleep.- Yeah. 369 00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:45,215 "Milky grapefruits." 370 00:17:45,282 --> 00:17:47,183 Good. Good. Cool. 371 00:17:47,251 --> 00:17:50,887 Oh, my god! Oh! Look! 372 00:17:50,955 --> 00:17:53,823 Look! Look, Diane! Look what I found! 373 00:17:53,891 --> 00:17:56,793 - Am I in trouble or something? - Shh. Shut up. 374 00:17:58,395 --> 00:18:01,631 Diane, all day long, 375 00:18:01,699 --> 00:18:04,767 you have patronized me and made me feel like a criminal. 376 00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:07,337 And as it turns out, you were wrong. 377 00:18:07,404 --> 00:18:09,505 It wasn't me. 378 00:18:09,573 --> 00:18:13,309 I think that I demand an apology. 379 00:18:13,377 --> 00:18:15,044 - Peter: Oh. - Oh, my gosh. 380 00:18:15,112 --> 00:18:16,613 Hold this. Dog poo. 381 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,381 - Is your nanny drunk? - Awesome. 382 00:18:18,449 --> 00:18:20,917 I am not the nanny. I am one of the wives. 383 00:18:20,985 --> 00:18:22,318 She is not drunk. You're not drunk? 384 00:18:22,386 --> 00:18:24,387 - She's drunk. - Are you drunk a little bit? 385 00:18:24,455 --> 00:18:26,789 Okay, that does it. I am suing for full custody. 386 00:18:26,857 --> 00:18:29,225 Diane, you promised to be less litigious. 387 00:18:29,293 --> 00:18:32,529 You know what, you promised to grow up and not marry a child-bride. 388 00:18:32,596 --> 00:18:34,464 - That's really inappropriate. - I am not a child-bride. 389 00:18:34,465 --> 00:18:36,766 - That's not ... - Hillary: Okay, stop! 390 00:18:36,834 --> 00:18:38,968 It's my fault. 391 00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:41,771 I was trying to sneak Vodka in my water bottle, 392 00:18:41,839 --> 00:18:43,573 and Kate caught me and took it away. 393 00:18:43,641 --> 00:18:45,859 I didn't want you to find out because I know you would 394 00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:48,878 send me to, like, rehab, and I don't even drink. 395 00:18:48,946 --> 00:18:50,779 Yeah, I don't ... I don't drink, either. 396 00:18:51,749 --> 00:18:53,316 Kate drank that Vodka to protect me. 397 00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:56,753 - Oh. - I'm sorry, Kate. 398 00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:58,922 I shouldn't have put you through this. 399 00:19:01,125 --> 00:19:04,360 - Come here, stepdaughter. - Jackie: Aww! 400 00:19:04,428 --> 00:19:06,629 - Oh. Okay. Ugh. - I knew you loved me. 401 00:19:06,697 --> 00:19:08,865 Maybe you do need rehab. 402 00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:11,234 Oh, go to promises. You will meet a celebrity. 403 00:19:11,302 --> 00:19:14,604 No one is going to rehab. Hillary, you're not going to the concert. 404 00:19:14,672 --> 00:19:15,601 - Your mother and I are... - What?! 405 00:19:15,647 --> 00:19:16,873 - gonna discuss a punishment. - Please. 406 00:19:16,941 --> 00:19:19,727 Wait. The concert's in an hour. Who am I supposed to go with? 407 00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:23,980 I'll go with you! 408 00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:28,518 Chelsea: Um... Okay? 409 00:19:28,586 --> 00:19:31,688 - Wait. Really? - Yeah. Okay. 410 00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:33,756 - Yes! - Whoo! 411 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,792 - Hey, buddy, buddy. Leave the trident. - Jackie: Yeah, he's going. 412 00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:39,729 Hey. 413 00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:46,269 - How are you feeling? - Ohh. 414 00:19:46,337 --> 00:19:49,772 Well, maybe this will make you feel better. 415 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:54,777 - You puked, didn't you? - Yeah. Twice. 416 00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:58,882 Yeah, you got kind of a Bologna-Martini thing going on. 417 00:20:00,484 --> 00:20:01,784 If someone had told me a year ago 418 00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:04,787 that I'd be married with three stepkids right now, 419 00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:07,290 I would have laughed in their face. 420 00:20:07,358 --> 00:20:11,160 - I have no idea what I'm doing. - I have no idea what I'm doing. 421 00:20:11,228 --> 00:20:14,197 I bought Bert a puppy today because I killed Jose. 422 00:20:14,265 --> 00:20:18,535 - The gardener? - The... hamster. 423 00:20:18,602 --> 00:20:22,505 Dad, Jose's not in his cage! Can you help me look for him? 424 00:20:24,942 --> 00:20:28,278 Yeah, buddy, I'm sure he's around here somewhere! 425 00:20:28,345 --> 00:20:31,814 - Oh, you are going to hell. - Yes, I am. 426 00:20:33,284 --> 00:20:34,584 Did you lose your hamster? 427 00:20:34,652 --> 00:20:38,121 Jose, where are you? 428 00:20:38,189 --> 00:20:41,624 - I'll get a flashlight! - Hillary: Dad, where is my cellphone? 429 00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:44,127 So, I'm still figuring things out. 430 00:20:44,195 --> 00:20:47,397 But tomorrow, I'm gonna get up and jump in all over again. 431 00:20:47,465 --> 00:20:50,424 - I just hope I don't throw up. - Jose! 432 00:20:55,136 --> 00:20:59,373 - How long you been here? - 22 minutes. 433 00:20:59,641 --> 00:21:02,410 And was it worth buying 50 hide-a-keys for this? 434 00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:04,078 Oh, absolutely. 435 00:21:04,146 --> 00:21:06,147 This feels different. It feels different. 436 00:21:06,215 --> 00:21:08,316 Yes! No. Damn it. 437 00:21:08,384 --> 00:21:10,151 Wait. Is this the right house? 438 00:21:10,219 --> 00:21:12,053 I'm gonna sense it. 439 00:21:14,390 --> 00:21:16,424 Yeah, it's the right house. 440 00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:19,427 Oh, here you are. 441 00:21:22,331 --> 00:21:24,022 - The door isn't even locked. - I know. 442 00:21:24,052 --> 00:21:25,200 It's just a key in a rock. 443 00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:27,001 Oh, yes, you! Yes!