1
00:00:01,599 --> 00:00:04,232
"The elephant teacher
smiled at the zebra.
2
00:00:04,266 --> 00:00:08,068
'Of course you can come into
my jungle classroom,' she said.
3
00:00:08,103 --> 00:00:12,139
And that's how the zebra
learned to read."
4
00:00:12,173 --> 00:00:16,043
All right.
Your water's here.
5
00:00:16,839 --> 00:00:18,656
Mr. Bear's water is here.
6
00:00:18,690 --> 00:00:22,193
Your clothes are laid
out for the entire week.
7
00:00:22,227 --> 00:00:24,445
No judgement ... my
love is unconditional.
8
00:00:24,496 --> 00:00:27,815
What do you say, little man?
Should we go to sleep?
9
00:00:27,850 --> 00:00:28,966
Can I have another foot rub?
10
00:00:29,001 --> 00:00:32,303
- That's enough stalling.
- What's "stalling"?
11
00:00:33,405 --> 00:00:36,724
- Uh... how do you explain stalling?
- He knows what stalling is.
12
00:00:38,075 --> 00:00:41,762
- I forget again.
- Let's close our eyes and go to sleep.
13
00:00:41,797 --> 00:00:46,100
- I'm gonna count down from 10.
- Ooh, count down from 500.
14
00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:50,504
500...
15
00:00:50,539 --> 00:00:52,740
499...
16
00:00:52,774 --> 00:00:57,278
498...
17
00:00:57,312 --> 00:00:59,296
497...
18
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
19
00:01:12,093 --> 00:01:15,762
He's getting better.
That was pretty quick.
20
00:01:15,796 --> 00:01:19,866
- Sweetie, he's made you his bitch.
- I'm pretty sure I did it to myself.
21
00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:23,286
Hey. First one to the living
room gets to pick the show.
22
00:01:27,325 --> 00:01:29,075
Hey! Stop it!
23
00:01:29,126 --> 00:01:30,677
No. Shh!
24
00:01:31,679 --> 00:01:33,330
I think I heard something.
25
00:01:34,081 --> 00:01:36,783
- Sucker!
- Hey! That's not fair!
26
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:42,946
1x02 - Cold File
27
00:01:50,124 --> 00:01:52,466
Okay, whoever eats their
fruit is my favorite child.
28
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:53,967
- There you go, man.
- Uh, hey, Dad.
29
00:01:54,002 --> 00:01:55,618
I have a hangnail. Can you, um...
30
00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:58,338
- Oh, I'll get the clippers.
- I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
31
00:01:58,389 --> 00:02:00,790
I got it. Okay, on three.
32
00:02:00,808 --> 00:02:03,226
- One... two! Oh!
- Aah!
33
00:02:03,261 --> 00:02:05,012
You didn't even make it to three.
34
00:02:05,063 --> 00:02:06,063
- You never make it to three.
- I didn't make it to three.
35
00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:08,298
Two's... before that.
36
00:02:08,316 --> 00:02:11,301
Oh, hey. Whose, uh ...
whose fancy headband's this?
37
00:02:11,319 --> 00:02:12,668
Those are mine.
38
00:02:12,681 --> 00:02:15,284
Oh! Red thong ... so classy.
39
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,325
- Dad, can you please do my necklace?
- Oh, I'll do it.
40
00:02:18,359 --> 00:02:19,693
Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it.
41
00:02:19,744 --> 00:02:23,864
- Dad, what's a thong?
- Oh, it's, uh, underwear
42
00:02:23,915 --> 00:02:25,248
for people who don't want panty lines.
43
00:02:25,283 --> 00:02:26,867
Oh, well, why wouldn't
you want panty lines?
44
00:02:26,918 --> 00:02:30,587
- 'Cause it's not sexy.
- Whoo! Sexy time!
45
00:02:30,621 --> 00:02:31,821
'Cause you guys like to have ...
46
00:02:31,839 --> 00:02:35,676
And thus ends our
morning underwear Q & A.
47
00:02:35,710 --> 00:02:37,994
Right. Yep.
Of course.
48
00:02:38,012 --> 00:02:40,097
- Dad, please just sign my
permission slips? - Yeah.
49
00:02:40,131 --> 00:02:41,264
- Oh, I can do it. Yes.
- I got it. I got it.
50
00:02:41,299 --> 00:02:42,516
- You are not a parent.
- I know. Mm-hmm.
51
00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:44,685
When you're done with
that, I-I need five bucks.
52
00:02:44,719 --> 00:02:47,437
- For what?
- For an investment.
53
00:02:47,472 --> 00:02:49,005
- Oh, can I wear my ...
- An investment?
54
00:02:49,023 --> 00:02:50,673
- Can I wear my shin guards to school?
- What are you investing in?
55
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,842
- Investment stuff.
- Can I wear my ...
56
00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:54,561
Anybody needs me, I'll just...
57
00:02:54,612 --> 00:02:56,730
- Can I wear...
- just give me a shout.
58
00:02:56,781 --> 00:02:58,732
- Text me. Tweet me.
- I-I actually smelled you making that up.
59
00:02:58,783 --> 00:03:00,534
- I will. I will. - Put them on.
- There's a fire.
60
00:03:00,568 --> 00:03:01,851
- Help me.
- I want seven back in a week.
61
00:03:01,869 --> 00:03:04,738
- Look, there's an eagle!
- Can I wear my shin guards to school?
62
00:03:04,789 --> 00:03:06,540
Okay.
63
00:03:12,497 --> 00:03:13,463
Hey.
64
00:03:13,498 --> 00:03:15,632
Ooh! All right ... shower police!
65
00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:16,967
Ma'am, you want to step inside?
66
00:03:17,001 --> 00:03:19,219
The word is, you haven't been
washing your boobs very well.
67
00:03:19,253 --> 00:03:21,037
No, I'm not here for shower police.
68
00:03:21,055 --> 00:03:23,890
Had to give it a try ...
miss 100% of the shots you never take.
69
00:03:23,925 --> 00:03:26,727
- What's up?
- Just feeling a little un-needed lately.
70
00:03:26,761 --> 00:03:28,261
Well, the shower police need you.
71
00:03:28,312 --> 00:03:29,513
- By the kids.
- I see.
72
00:03:29,547 --> 00:03:32,399
We're having a real
conversation about real things.
73
00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:34,601
What's up?
74
00:03:34,652 --> 00:03:36,820
You know, I've been living
here for almost a year
75
00:03:36,854 --> 00:03:40,073
and I just feel like I'm...
more of a roommate than a parent.
76
00:03:40,108 --> 00:03:43,243
Like some weird craigslist roommate
that everyone politely ignores.
77
00:03:43,277 --> 00:03:45,829
Oh, that's not true.
Hillary's rude to you sometimes.
78
00:03:45,863 --> 00:03:48,749
I just feel like you just do everything
and then there's nothing left for me to do.
79
00:03:48,783 --> 00:03:50,450
Why should you have
to deal with my stuff?
80
00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:53,503
It's my job. I'm their Dad.
I'm the crap-master.
81
00:03:53,538 --> 00:03:55,288
But I could be assistant crap-master.
82
00:03:55,339 --> 00:03:56,953
You want more crap?
I'll give you more crap.
83
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:58,675
Yes.
All I want is more crap.
84
00:04:02,312 --> 00:04:03,947
All right!
85
00:04:03,981 --> 00:04:06,682
Killer bees, huddle up.
Bring it in! Bring it in!
86
00:04:06,716 --> 00:04:08,484
Lot of good stuff today.
87
00:04:08,518 --> 00:04:09,885
Great spirit.
88
00:04:09,919 --> 00:04:10,886
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
89
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,888
You guys ...
you guys love to cheer.
90
00:04:12,922 --> 00:04:14,723
Uh, couple of things to think about ...
91
00:04:14,757 --> 00:04:17,893
in general, let's ...
let's make it a goal
92
00:04:17,927 --> 00:04:21,630
to not sit down as
much during a scrimmage.
93
00:04:21,664 --> 00:04:23,297
- Yay!
- Yay!
94
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,299
Also, uh, go to the bathroom ...
95
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:29,303
very important ...
before practice, okay?
96
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:34,308
And, Ian, if you do need to go during
practice, just, please, leave the field, okay?
97
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,310
Coach Duane,
anything you want to add?
98
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:39,045
I think my wife is having
an affair with my brother.
99
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,547
- Yay!
- Yay!
100
00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:43,082
All right. Uh, bring it in.
101
00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:45,084
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
102
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,586
All right.
103
00:04:46,621 --> 00:04:50,657
Hey, uh, maybe a little
less sharing with the kids.
104
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:54,260
Look at you ... doing stuff.
105
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,194
- Yeah. It's exciting, right?
- Yeah.
106
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,281
You know, half these kids
can't eat peanuts, and the other
107
00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:02,334
half only eat peanuts, so, one
wrong bite, half the team dies.
108
00:05:02,368 --> 00:05:04,369
Oh, it's just orange slices and water.
109
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:06,204
W-well, there's one kid
who can't have oranges.
110
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:08,373
His parents have some
issues with Florida.
111
00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:10,708
And that kid with the shorty-shorts
112
00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:14,182
can't have any water,
'cause he's overhydrated.
113
00:05:14,217 --> 00:05:15,279
Hey, Pete?
114
00:05:15,313 --> 00:05:17,292
Stay strong, man.
115
00:05:17,369 --> 00:05:18,516
- Yeah?
- Come here.
116
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:21,352
- What's up?
- Can you keep Bert tonight?
117
00:05:21,386 --> 00:05:23,421
'Cause my Tai Chi class
is doing a pub crawl.
118
00:05:23,455 --> 00:05:26,024
Uh, I could, but I got a client dinner.
119
00:05:26,058 --> 00:05:28,692
I'm not gonna be back until
way after his bedtime.
120
00:05:28,726 --> 00:05:29,927
- Pete...
- I can put him to bed.
121
00:05:32,129 --> 00:05:33,363
I saw that look.
122
00:05:33,397 --> 00:05:35,766
- I can't even have a look?
- Come on. I can do it.
123
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,635
I mean, I've seen Pete put
him to bed a thousand times.
124
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:40,470
I've been to the ATM
like a thousand times.
125
00:05:40,504 --> 00:05:42,738
Doesn't mean I have a clue
what's in my bank account.
126
00:05:42,773 --> 00:05:45,074
I think one of us should stay home.
127
00:05:45,108 --> 00:05:48,085
Is it gonna be you or is it gonna
be me? Is it an important client?
128
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,186
Ooh ...
Is it gonna affect my alimony?
129
00:05:50,221 --> 00:05:53,147
Jackie, Kate's right.
She wants to do it, she can do it.
130
00:05:54,717 --> 00:05:57,352
What was that look?
131
00:05:57,386 --> 00:05:59,354
That was a weird look.
From now on, new rule ...
132
00:05:59,388 --> 00:06:01,321
everyone says everything out loud.
133
00:06:07,312 --> 00:06:09,247
Warren, I want to watch
TV, okay? Move your feet.
134
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:12,283
- Hey! No eating on the couch!
- When Mom's not here, I eat where I want.
135
00:06:12,317 --> 00:06:15,452
- Now move your gross feet.
- Gross feet? That was very mean.
136
00:06:15,486 --> 00:06:18,221
- Apologize to my feet.
- Never.
137
00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:20,657
Okay, then I'm just gonna
have to take your snacks.
138
00:06:20,691 --> 00:06:22,592
Feet! Confiscate snacks!
139
00:06:22,627 --> 00:06:24,327
Foot snacks! Jerk, get
your feet off my salsa!
140
00:06:25,796 --> 00:06:28,632
Oh, my god.
141
00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:31,500
- What's up, studly?
- Dad, uh...
142
00:06:31,534 --> 00:06:34,002
me and Hillary spilled
salsa on Mom's white couch.
143
00:06:34,036 --> 00:06:37,005
Ooh!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
144
00:06:37,039 --> 00:06:38,840
What do we do?
145
00:06:40,042 --> 00:06:43,345
Dad? Be serious, okay?
146
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:44,913
What are we supposed to do?
147
00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:47,283
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You're calling your father for advice.
148
00:06:47,317 --> 00:06:49,985
Here's my advice ...
run away.
149
00:06:52,155 --> 00:06:53,288
Hello?
150
00:06:53,322 --> 00:06:55,690
Poor kids.
151
00:06:55,724 --> 00:06:56,858
We're screwed.
152
00:06:56,893 --> 00:06:59,360
Mom loves to punish us
in those twisted ways.
153
00:06:59,395 --> 00:07:01,663
I know ... a-and remember that
one time I wouldn't stop picking
154
00:07:01,664 --> 00:07:03,932
my nose and so she ... she
put that dog cone collar on me?
155
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,433
She cannot find out about this.
156
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:09,604
Wait. Wait.
She won't!
157
00:07:11,407 --> 00:07:13,741
Oh, my god!
158
00:07:16,712 --> 00:07:19,480
- Oh! Check it!
- Genius.
159
00:07:19,515 --> 00:07:21,815
Okay, as long as we keep
a united front, we'll be fine.
160
00:07:21,849 --> 00:07:22,949
Hey, guys.
161
00:07:22,983 --> 00:07:25,118
- Hey, Mom!
- How was your day?
162
00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:26,553
It was great.
163
00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:27,887
Hey, Hillary.
Let's get out of here.
164
00:07:27,922 --> 00:07:29,656
- Bye, Mom!
- Bye, Mom!
165
00:07:35,930 --> 00:07:39,799
"I'm not afraid of your breath,
and he gave the dragon a kiss.
166
00:07:39,833 --> 00:07:44,337
And that's how the
dragon learned to love."
167
00:07:44,371 --> 00:07:46,171
Okeydokey.
168
00:07:46,206 --> 00:07:47,973
We've got your water ... check.
169
00:07:48,007 --> 00:07:50,643
Mr. Bear's water ... check.
170
00:07:50,677 --> 00:07:52,877
I see you've made some changes
to your wardrobe for the week,
171
00:07:52,911 --> 00:07:54,379
which I totally respect.
172
00:07:54,413 --> 00:07:59,684
And now it's time
to close your eyes and go to sleep.
173
00:07:59,719 --> 00:08:04,356
- And I'll count you down from 10.
- How about from a billion?
174
00:08:05,924 --> 00:08:09,960
- I don't know how to count that high.
- How about from a million?
175
00:08:11,162 --> 00:08:15,999
Okay.
A million...
176
00:08:19,471 --> 00:08:21,004
Hi.
177
00:08:45,227 --> 00:08:48,062
- Bert?
- Hi! Are we playing a game?
178
00:08:48,097 --> 00:08:49,398
No.
179
00:08:50,299 --> 00:08:54,235
- I'm still awake.
- Why?
180
00:08:54,270 --> 00:08:55,737
Hey, guys. Snack's ready.
181
00:08:55,772 --> 00:08:58,406
- Just act cool.
- I always do.
182
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,741
Oh, Mom, you look ravishing.
183
00:09:00,776 --> 00:09:02,476
Oh. Why, thank you, sweetheart.
184
00:09:02,511 --> 00:09:06,479
Okay, guys, dig in.
I made quesadillas.
185
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:11,951
Okay.
Any other topping suggestions?
186
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:15,755
- S-sour ... sour cream.
- Chocolate.
187
00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:18,491
- Relish.
- Uh, mustard?
188
00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:22,327
Relish.
189
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:26,498
I was thinking of something
just a little more picante.
190
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:29,401
I know ... how about some salsa?
191
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,002
- Oh, yeah. Salsa ... right.
- Salsa.
192
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:33,806
We haven't had salsa
in a while. Right, Hil?
193
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:34,807
That's right, Warren.
194
00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:39,076
Aah. New bottle.
Dig.
195
00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:41,412
- All right.
- Oh!
196
00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:43,080
I almost forgot ... napkins,
197
00:09:43,114 --> 00:09:44,582
just in case one of us spills the salsa.
198
00:09:44,616 --> 00:09:45,783
Right.
199
00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:47,985
She knows. She never talks
this much about salsa.
200
00:09:48,019 --> 00:09:49,320
Maybe she talks about
salsa all the time,
201
00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:51,088
- but we're just noticing it now.
- What?!
202
00:09:53,825 --> 00:09:55,124
Hey, dig in guys.
203
00:09:59,630 --> 00:10:01,998
The salsa is what makes it so good.
204
00:10:04,301 --> 00:10:06,102
It's been three hours.
We're buddies, right?
205
00:10:06,136 --> 00:10:08,338
- I like you!
- Okay, good. I like you, too.
206
00:10:08,372 --> 00:10:11,173
Now can you just please tell
me, Berto. What can I do?
207
00:10:11,207 --> 00:10:14,743
- Sometimes I like "This little piggy."
- Great. Perfect.
208
00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:18,848
This little piggy went to market.
209
00:10:18,882 --> 00:10:21,216
And this little piggy stayed home.
210
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:24,887
And this little piggy...
went to Pilates.
211
00:10:24,921 --> 00:10:28,957
And this little piggy was like,
"Bert, go to sleep!"
212
00:10:28,991 --> 00:10:32,460
That was all wrong.
I'm even more awake now.
213
00:10:37,399 --> 00:10:38,566
I'll tell you what.
214
00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:41,970
Tonight, you're gonna fall asleep
like I did when I was your age.
215
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:46,073
I never get to watch TV in bed!
216
00:10:46,108 --> 00:10:48,042
I know. It'll be our
little secret, okay?
217
00:10:48,076 --> 00:10:51,678
- Let's Pinky swear!
- I like the way you roll.
218
00:10:51,713 --> 00:10:53,347
All right.
219
00:10:53,382 --> 00:10:54,681
Temperatures in the south will be
220
00:10:54,716 --> 00:10:56,250
dropping by tomorrow night.
221
00:10:56,284 --> 00:10:59,153
In sports, Los Angeles beat
San Francisco to stay alive
222
00:10:59,154 --> 00:11:02,022
in the chase for the west,
and Seattle lost to Texas
223
00:11:02,056 --> 00:11:04,057
despite Hernandez going eight innings...
224
00:11:04,091 --> 00:11:06,726
That's all for the nightly news at 11.
225
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,695
From our family to yours, good night.
226
00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:13,699
Tonight, on "Cold File"...
Mark Styman was
227
00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:16,935
a brilliant surgeon,
but this surgeon had a secret.
228
00:11:16,969 --> 00:11:21,263
Dr. Mark Styman liked to steal uteruses.
229
00:11:24,981 --> 00:11:26,949
Hey, buddy.
All right, time to get up.
230
00:11:26,983 --> 00:11:30,151
- The killer bees need their goalie.
- I'm an all-star.
231
00:11:30,185 --> 00:11:32,821
Okay, right ...
everybody's an all-star.
232
00:11:32,855 --> 00:11:34,689
Up. Come on.
233
00:11:34,724 --> 00:11:37,091
Oh, I'm tired. I slept bad.
234
00:11:37,125 --> 00:11:40,528
Shh! No, you didn't.
Don't say that... to your Dad.
235
00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:42,597
Kate, could a doctor steal my uterus?
236
00:11:42,631 --> 00:11:45,932
Steal your uterus?
What are you talking about?
237
00:11:45,967 --> 00:11:49,770
I saw it on "Cold File"
last night after you fell asleep.
238
00:11:49,804 --> 00:11:50,971
Ooh, boy.
239
00:11:52,073 --> 00:11:54,341
Okay, listen, let's
just keep it between us
240
00:11:54,376 --> 00:11:56,877
- with a Pinky swear?
- Okay.
241
00:11:56,911 --> 00:11:57,878
Okay. Good.
242
00:11:57,912 --> 00:11:59,445
Hey, Bert! We gotta go!
243
00:12:00,247 --> 00:12:02,348
Hey.
244
00:12:02,383 --> 00:12:04,650
Just this once, you can
have a sip of my coffee.
245
00:12:04,685 --> 00:12:06,619
- It'll wake you up.
- Thanks.
246
00:12:13,827 --> 00:12:16,661
I feel better already.
247
00:12:16,696 --> 00:12:18,630
Oh, Bert.
248
00:12:18,664 --> 00:12:21,299
Okay. One last Pinky swear.
249
00:12:22,135 --> 00:12:25,404
- Hey, Bert! Let's go! Let's go!
- Yeah, he's coming.
250
00:12:25,438 --> 00:12:27,939
You know how kids get
sometimes in the morning.
251
00:12:27,974 --> 00:12:29,441
I was thinking about
what you said yesterday
252
00:12:29,476 --> 00:12:32,776
about wanting to be more involved.
You got Bert to sleep last night.
253
00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:35,546
I think you're ready for your
next challenge.
254
00:12:35,581 --> 00:12:36,714
How would you like to assistant coach
255
00:12:36,748 --> 00:12:38,882
the losingest team in league history?
256
00:12:38,917 --> 00:12:42,220
Oh, Pete.
I think I'm already doing so m...
257
00:12:42,254 --> 00:12:44,222
Don't worry. You're gonna hate it.
258
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:47,690
What happened to coach Duane?
259
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,059
Uh, he had a nervous breakdown.
260
00:12:50,094 --> 00:12:52,762
All right! Let's do this!
261
00:12:52,796 --> 00:12:54,598
Someone got a good night's sleep.
262
00:12:55,966 --> 00:12:57,767
Yep. Let's go.
263
00:13:00,971 --> 00:13:03,572
Ah, come dance with me, guys!
264
00:13:03,607 --> 00:13:06,074
Come on, Hil!
265
00:13:06,109 --> 00:13:09,778
Come on.
All right, get ready to move your hips.
266
00:13:11,281 --> 00:13:14,283
Mm! What is this music?
267
00:13:14,317 --> 00:13:17,219
It's called...
Salsa.
268
00:13:19,855 --> 00:13:22,723
Oh, my god.
269
00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,091
Warren.
270
00:13:27,863 --> 00:13:29,330
How did it go with Bert last night?
271
00:13:29,365 --> 00:13:31,332
- Did he say anything?
- Nope.
272
00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:34,536
- Oh, it went great.
- Oh, good. I'm so hung over.
273
00:13:34,570 --> 00:13:37,638
- Those Tai Chi ladies are surprisingly
violent drinkers. - Oh.
274
00:13:37,672 --> 00:13:39,239
Bring it in!
Bring it in, bees!
275
00:13:39,274 --> 00:13:40,740
Got to go ... new coach.
276
00:13:40,775 --> 00:13:42,942
- Oh, yeah? Oh, good luck.
- Oh, thanks.
277
00:13:42,977 --> 00:13:44,444
Hey, you know, I coached
the Zebras two years ago.
278
00:13:44,479 --> 00:13:48,081
- It was a mess. They kept kicking
it out to the refs. - Great.
279
00:13:48,115 --> 00:13:51,417
You know what they say about
husband/wife coaching teams.
280
00:13:52,719 --> 00:13:54,253
Gather 'round,
gather 'round, huddle up.
281
00:13:54,288 --> 00:13:57,523
Special day ... I want to
introduce you to coach Kate
282
00:13:57,558 --> 00:13:58,957
She lives in our house!
283
00:13:58,992 --> 00:14:00,660
She's gonna be helping
us while coach Duane
284
00:14:00,694 --> 00:14:02,928
gets the help that he
so desperately needs.
285
00:14:02,962 --> 00:14:05,598
Hi, guys.
I'm super excited to be here.
286
00:14:05,632 --> 00:14:06,932
I-I love soccer,
287
00:14:06,966 --> 00:14:09,000
- and I love playing with little boys.
- Bert.
288
00:14:09,034 --> 00:14:11,791
And... playing with
little girls... as well.
289
00:14:11,826 --> 00:14:13,351
Guys, let's give her a big bees welcome.
290
00:14:14,039 --> 00:14:15,139
I'm the Sun!
291
00:14:15,174 --> 00:14:18,643
- Bert?
- I'm the Moon! I'm Christmas!
292
00:14:18,678 --> 00:14:20,144
Bert, you want to ...
you want to bring it in?
293
00:14:20,179 --> 00:14:21,646
- He's excited.
- Rein it down a little bit.
294
00:14:21,681 --> 00:14:22,814
Okay, uh, like I was saying ...
295
00:14:22,848 --> 00:14:26,383
coach Kate is gonna be a valuable
addition. Pair up, get a ball.
296
00:14:26,418 --> 00:14:28,385
- Will you check on Bert?
He seems a little weird. - Yeah.
297
00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:30,354
No, no ... probably just
excited that I'm coaching.
298
00:14:30,388 --> 00:14:31,855
- Okay.
- I got it.
299
00:14:31,889 --> 00:14:33,056
Hey, Bert.
Hey, Bert. Hey!
300
00:14:33,091 --> 00:14:35,392
Get over here.
Get over here. Come here.
301
00:14:35,427 --> 00:14:38,562
Okay, listen ...
I need you to tone it down a notch.
302
00:14:38,597 --> 00:14:40,062
I can taste my teeth!
303
00:14:40,097 --> 00:14:41,397
Okay. Shh! Don't say that.
304
00:14:41,432 --> 00:14:43,633
Okay, that's ...
that's great. Just walk.
305
00:14:45,102 --> 00:14:46,202
Yes, ma'am.
306
00:14:51,408 --> 00:14:54,176
Why did you and Mom need to
have a private conversation?
307
00:14:54,211 --> 00:14:56,345
She said if I was going to...
to pee in her bathroom,
308
00:14:56,379 --> 00:14:59,581
- that I had to sit down.
- She's getting to me.
309
00:14:59,616 --> 00:15:03,652
Okay, she's getting inside my head!
Maybe I should just confess.
310
00:15:03,686 --> 00:15:04,686
No, don't ... look, united front.
311
00:15:04,721 --> 00:15:08,189
We're gonna be at Dad's tomorrow.
You can make it until then.
312
00:15:08,224 --> 00:15:12,693
Hillary, I need
to speak to you privately.
313
00:15:12,728 --> 00:15:14,629
Coming, mother.
314
00:15:34,282 --> 00:15:35,249
Remember, you ...
315
00:15:35,250 --> 00:15:37,183
- you're trying to keep them out of there.
- Oh, man.
316
00:15:37,217 --> 00:15:39,653
- Pick up.
- It's your house. Nobody comes in.
317
00:15:40,755 --> 00:15:43,889
Hey, bud, you want to
try some standing up?
318
00:15:43,923 --> 00:15:46,858
- I need coffee.
- Ha! Next thing you know,
319
00:15:46,893 --> 00:15:49,795
he'll be asking for the Wall
Street Journal and a cheese Danish.
320
00:15:49,829 --> 00:15:51,129
Hey, what's going on with the Bertster?
321
00:15:51,164 --> 00:15:54,800
I don't know. Did he eat
something weird last night?
322
00:15:54,834 --> 00:15:56,134
No, guys, I think he's fine.
323
00:15:56,169 --> 00:15:59,771
You know, let's ... let's get up, Bert,
and show 'em what you got, all right?
324
00:15:59,805 --> 00:16:02,307
Come on. Here we go.
Up you go. On your feet.
325
00:16:02,341 --> 00:16:04,475
- You got it, bud. Get up, bud.
- You ready? Here we go.
326
00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:05,976
You got it, buddy.
Ready? Ready? Here we go.
327
00:16:06,011 --> 00:16:09,980
Yeah! There's my all-star!
All right, you ready for another one?
328
00:16:10,015 --> 00:16:12,049
Now, pick up the energy.
Pick up the energy.
329
00:16:12,083 --> 00:16:14,385
Hands up!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
330
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:15,419
Hands up! Let's go! Let's go!
331
00:16:15,187 --> 00:16:19,189
Ow! My uterus!
332
00:16:22,527 --> 00:16:23,827
- My ... my baby.
- Oh, my god.
333
00:16:23,861 --> 00:16:25,529
He blocked it!
334
00:16:27,965 --> 00:16:29,065
Oh, Bert.
335
00:16:33,290 --> 00:16:36,157
You guys, I feel terrible.
I am so sorry.
336
00:16:36,192 --> 00:16:38,959
Yeah, "sorry" isn't gonna reduce
the swelling in my son's testicle.
337
00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:42,630
You act like you know everything, Kate,
and you don't know anything.
338
00:16:42,665 --> 00:16:45,800
You know nothing about...
anything.
339
00:16:46,735 --> 00:16:51,471
- So, I'm gonna tell you something ...
- Jackie, Kate knows that she screwed up.
340
00:16:51,506 --> 00:16:53,640
Yeah ... no ... you screwed up.
341
00:16:53,675 --> 00:16:58,445
You ... I hope you can still be
a grandpa after all of Bert's... this.
342
00:16:58,479 --> 00:17:01,181
I think Bert's "this" will be fine.
343
00:17:01,216 --> 00:17:02,849
I just wanted to do
something to help, you know?
344
00:17:02,883 --> 00:17:04,184
I just wanted to be part of the family,
345
00:17:04,219 --> 00:17:06,786
and Pete gave me the chance,
and I just ... I blew it.
346
00:17:06,821 --> 00:17:09,288
Yeah, you did, like...
347
00:17:09,323 --> 00:17:11,123
"No!"
348
00:17:11,157 --> 00:17:13,644
- Yeah ... real bad.
- You know what? I am just ...
349
00:17:13,679 --> 00:17:15,222
I'm gonna go to the
cafeteria and get something.
350
00:17:15,257 --> 00:17:16,529
- Do you want anything?
- Oh, you know what?
351
00:17:16,563 --> 00:17:19,131
I bet that Bert would just
love a triple espresso.
352
00:17:19,165 --> 00:17:22,635
You know, I have said it once,
and I will say it again ...
353
00:17:22,669 --> 00:17:25,503
aside from me, I do not
understand your taste in women.
354
00:17:25,538 --> 00:17:28,373
I think you need to cut her some slack.
355
00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:30,742
You remember when we got married?
356
00:17:30,776 --> 00:17:33,911
Barely.
That open bar was fantastic.
357
00:17:33,946 --> 00:17:36,881
You remember how hard
Diane was on you?
358
00:17:36,915 --> 00:17:39,883
You're acting like Diane.
359
00:17:39,917 --> 00:17:43,820
What? Like smart, no-nonsense,
very accomplished? Oh, I get it.
360
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:47,090
N-no, I mean, y-y-you're
being hard on Kate.
361
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:51,495
She's ... she's really trying.
She loves our little guy.
362
00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:54,831
Mr. And Mrs. Harrison,
you can see your son now.
363
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,299
We don't have a son.
364
00:17:57,768 --> 00:17:58,834
Oh, honest mistake.
365
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:01,871
Mr. And Mrs. Harrison, Bert is fine.
You can see him now.
366
00:18:01,905 --> 00:18:03,939
- Great. Yes!
- Do ... give him a tip.
367
00:18:03,974 --> 00:18:05,441
Hey, have you guys seen my phone?
368
00:18:05,476 --> 00:18:10,747
- No.
- Warren!
369
00:18:11,814 --> 00:18:13,882
Please tell me you did this.
370
00:18:13,916 --> 00:18:17,852
Oh, yeah, I did that,
'cause I'm crazy. No!
371
00:18:17,887 --> 00:18:20,255
Oh, hey, guys.
Do you want to watch a movie?
372
00:18:20,290 --> 00:18:22,591
I have rented "La Bamba."
373
00:18:22,625 --> 00:18:26,261
Okay! That's enough!
Please, stop, okay?
374
00:18:26,296 --> 00:18:28,396
Why can't you just punish
us like a normal parent?
375
00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:30,765
I wanted to tell you
the whole time, I swear!
376
00:18:31,966 --> 00:18:33,367
Normal parents don't get results.
377
00:18:33,402 --> 00:18:36,203
- Are you ever going to eat on the sofa again?
- No! - No!
378
00:18:36,237 --> 00:18:38,272
- Are you ever going to hide anything
from me again? - No! - No!
379
00:18:38,307 --> 00:18:39,973
- Do you love me the most?
- No! - Yes!
380
00:18:40,008 --> 00:18:43,876
I ...
Sorry, I got caught up in all the NOs.
381
00:18:43,911 --> 00:18:46,666
- Yes, of course I love you the most.
- Okay.
382
00:18:47,712 --> 00:18:49,215
- Give your Mom a hug.
- Aww!
383
00:18:54,588 --> 00:18:57,757
You can ... go on in.
384
00:18:57,792 --> 00:18:59,491
Oh, it's okay, Jackie.
I don't need to go in.
385
00:18:59,526 --> 00:19:02,160
Look, I know I got mad today.
386
00:19:02,195 --> 00:19:04,896
But deep down here,
in my Jackie heart,
387
00:19:04,931 --> 00:19:08,286
I know that it's not
easy being a new stepmom.
388
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:11,500
I guess what I'm saying, Kate, is,
we're kind of the same, right?
389
00:19:11,535 --> 00:19:14,306
Free spirits ...
the souls of birds in people bodies.
390
00:19:14,341 --> 00:19:16,307
Oh, yeah.
391
00:19:16,342 --> 00:19:18,242
Well, t-thanks, Jackie.
That's really sweet.
392
00:19:18,276 --> 00:19:20,778
But you don't need to
let me go in. It's okay.
393
00:19:20,813 --> 00:19:22,447
Yeah, well, I'm not...
394
00:19:22,481 --> 00:19:24,849
letting you do anything,
'cause he wants you.
395
00:19:24,883 --> 00:19:26,451
- He does?
- Yeah.
396
00:19:26,485 --> 00:19:28,453
Oh. Okay. Great.
Well, then...
397
00:19:28,487 --> 00:19:30,455
Can you just ... I'm ...
I'll just go in then.
398
00:19:30,489 --> 00:19:31,788
All right.
399
00:19:34,024 --> 00:19:35,826
- Kate!
- Hey, buddy!
400
00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:38,595
Oh, I'm so sorry... about that.
401
00:19:38,629 --> 00:19:40,530
I'm sorry I broke the Pinky swear.
402
00:19:40,565 --> 00:19:43,032
Oh, apology accepted.
I'm more sorry.
403
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,001
Actually, he invited you here
for a very special reason.
404
00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:46,870
Will you do the piggies?
405
00:19:46,904 --> 00:19:48,405
- My piggies?
- Yes!
406
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,274
Of course!
This little piggy went to the market.
407
00:19:51,308 --> 00:19:52,976
This little piggy stayed home.
408
00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:54,944
This little piggy went to the Hamptons.
409
00:19:54,979 --> 00:19:57,180
And this little piggy
was, like, totally jealous.
410
00:19:57,214 --> 00:19:59,148
And this little piggy was like,
411
00:19:59,183 --> 00:20:01,384
"I don't care. I'm gonna
go get a tongue piercing."
412
00:20:01,418 --> 00:20:02,986
It's still so wrong.
413
00:20:05,388 --> 00:20:09,375
And I want to apologize to you,
because, um, you know,
414
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,860
I should have told you
that I was messing everything up.
415
00:20:11,895 --> 00:20:13,195
That's all right ...
just, in the future,
416
00:20:13,229 --> 00:20:15,030
let's not keep things
from each other, okay?
417
00:20:15,064 --> 00:20:17,399
That's what my ex-wives are for.
418
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,868
Oh, Kate, it turns out I
didn't hurt my uterus at all.
419
00:20:19,902 --> 00:20:21,661
That's because you don't have a uterus.
420
00:20:21,696 --> 00:20:25,639
- Remember, buddy? Girls do.
- So... what's in my butt?
421
00:20:25,673 --> 00:20:28,342
- Butt stuff.
- Uh-huh.
422
00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:30,677
Well, actually, there's a
lot of things in your butt.
423
00:20:30,712 --> 00:20:33,047
- You know, if you think about it...
- Butt stuff.
424
00:20:34,016 --> 00:20:36,583
Butt stuff. Yeah.
425
00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,495
Excuse me, sir?!
426
00:20:41,896 --> 00:20:43,580
Shower police?
427
00:20:43,614 --> 00:20:46,032
We got a report there's
a man fitting your sexy
428
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:48,450
description who's been
hanging out in this shower.
429
00:20:48,485 --> 00:20:50,719
I'd like to come in and investigate.
430
00:20:50,754 --> 00:20:51,954
Okay!
431
00:20:54,491 --> 00:20:57,126
Kate!
I need some orange juice!
432
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,728
Not now, buddy!!!
433
00:20:59,763 --> 00:21:02,297
- Honey, he needs me. Isn't that great?
- But I've been bad.
434
00:21:02,331 --> 00:21:04,900
I've been ... I've been...
I'm bad. I'm very bad!
435
00:21:04,934 --> 00:21:06,534
I'll be back. I'll be right back.
436
00:21:08,204 --> 00:21:10,972
Never gonna happen.