1 00:00:01,599 --> 00:00:04,232 "The elephant teacher smiled at the zebra. 2 00:00:04,266 --> 00:00:08,068 'Of course you can come into my jungle classroom,' she said. 3 00:00:08,103 --> 00:00:12,139 And that's how the zebra learned to read." 4 00:00:12,173 --> 00:00:16,043 All right. Your water's here. 5 00:00:16,839 --> 00:00:18,656 Mr. Bear's water is here. 6 00:00:18,690 --> 00:00:22,193 Your clothes are laid out for the entire week. 7 00:00:22,227 --> 00:00:24,445 No judgement ... my love is unconditional. 8 00:00:24,496 --> 00:00:27,815 What do you say, little man? Should we go to sleep? 9 00:00:27,850 --> 00:00:28,966 Can I have another foot rub? 10 00:00:29,001 --> 00:00:32,303 - That's enough stalling. - What's "stalling"? 11 00:00:33,405 --> 00:00:36,724 - Uh... how do you explain stalling? - He knows what stalling is. 12 00:00:38,075 --> 00:00:41,762 - I forget again. - Let's close our eyes and go to sleep. 13 00:00:41,797 --> 00:00:46,100 - I'm gonna count down from 10. - Ooh, count down from 500. 14 00:00:47,786 --> 00:00:50,504 500... 15 00:00:50,539 --> 00:00:52,740 499... 16 00:00:52,774 --> 00:00:57,278 498... 17 00:00:57,312 --> 00:00:59,296 497... 18 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,074 Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org 19 00:01:12,093 --> 00:01:15,762 He's getting better. That was pretty quick. 20 00:01:15,796 --> 00:01:19,866 - Sweetie, he's made you his bitch. - I'm pretty sure I did it to myself. 21 00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:23,286 Hey. First one to the living room gets to pick the show. 22 00:01:27,325 --> 00:01:29,075 Hey! Stop it! 23 00:01:29,126 --> 00:01:30,677 No. Shh! 24 00:01:31,679 --> 00:01:33,330 I think I heard something. 25 00:01:34,081 --> 00:01:36,783 - Sucker! - Hey! That's not fair! 26 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:42,946 1x02 - Cold File 27 00:01:50,124 --> 00:01:52,466 Okay, whoever eats their fruit is my favorite child. 28 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:53,967 - There you go, man. - Uh, hey, Dad. 29 00:01:54,002 --> 00:01:55,618 I have a hangnail. Can you, um... 30 00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:58,338 - Oh, I'll get the clippers. - I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. 31 00:01:58,389 --> 00:02:00,790 I got it. Okay, on three. 32 00:02:00,808 --> 00:02:03,226 - One... two! Oh! - Aah! 33 00:02:03,261 --> 00:02:05,012 You didn't even make it to three. 34 00:02:05,063 --> 00:02:06,063 - You never make it to three. - I didn't make it to three. 35 00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:08,298 Two's... before that. 36 00:02:08,316 --> 00:02:11,301 Oh, hey. Whose, uh ... whose fancy headband's this? 37 00:02:11,319 --> 00:02:12,668 Those are mine. 38 00:02:12,681 --> 00:02:15,284 Oh! Red thong ... so classy. 39 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,325 - Dad, can you please do my necklace? - Oh, I'll do it. 40 00:02:18,359 --> 00:02:19,693 Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. 41 00:02:19,744 --> 00:02:23,864 - Dad, what's a thong? - Oh, it's, uh, underwear 42 00:02:23,915 --> 00:02:25,248 for people who don't want panty lines. 43 00:02:25,283 --> 00:02:26,867 Oh, well, why wouldn't you want panty lines? 44 00:02:26,918 --> 00:02:30,587 - 'Cause it's not sexy. - Whoo! Sexy time! 45 00:02:30,621 --> 00:02:31,821 'Cause you guys like to have ... 46 00:02:31,839 --> 00:02:35,676 And thus ends our morning underwear Q & A. 47 00:02:35,710 --> 00:02:37,994 Right. Yep. Of course. 48 00:02:38,012 --> 00:02:40,097 - Dad, please just sign my permission slips? - Yeah. 49 00:02:40,131 --> 00:02:41,264 - Oh, I can do it. Yes. - I got it. I got it. 50 00:02:41,299 --> 00:02:42,516 - You are not a parent. - I know. Mm-hmm. 51 00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:44,685 When you're done with that, I-I need five bucks. 52 00:02:44,719 --> 00:02:47,437 - For what? - For an investment. 53 00:02:47,472 --> 00:02:49,005 - Oh, can I wear my ... - An investment? 54 00:02:49,023 --> 00:02:50,673 - Can I wear my shin guards to school? - What are you investing in? 55 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,842 - Investment stuff. - Can I wear my ... 56 00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:54,561 Anybody needs me, I'll just... 57 00:02:54,612 --> 00:02:56,730 - Can I wear... - just give me a shout. 58 00:02:56,781 --> 00:02:58,732 - Text me. Tweet me. - I-I actually smelled you making that up. 59 00:02:58,783 --> 00:03:00,534 - I will. I will. - Put them on. - There's a fire. 60 00:03:00,568 --> 00:03:01,851 - Help me. - I want seven back in a week. 61 00:03:01,869 --> 00:03:04,738 - Look, there's an eagle! - Can I wear my shin guards to school? 62 00:03:04,789 --> 00:03:06,540 Okay. 63 00:03:12,497 --> 00:03:13,463 Hey. 64 00:03:13,498 --> 00:03:15,632 Ooh! All right ... shower police! 65 00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:16,967 Ma'am, you want to step inside? 66 00:03:17,001 --> 00:03:19,219 The word is, you haven't been washing your boobs very well. 67 00:03:19,253 --> 00:03:21,037 No, I'm not here for shower police. 68 00:03:21,055 --> 00:03:23,890 Had to give it a try ... miss 100% of the shots you never take. 69 00:03:23,925 --> 00:03:26,727 - What's up? - Just feeling a little un-needed lately. 70 00:03:26,761 --> 00:03:28,261 Well, the shower police need you. 71 00:03:28,312 --> 00:03:29,513 - By the kids. - I see. 72 00:03:29,547 --> 00:03:32,399 We're having a real conversation about real things. 73 00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:34,601 What's up? 74 00:03:34,652 --> 00:03:36,820 You know, I've been living here for almost a year 75 00:03:36,854 --> 00:03:40,073 and I just feel like I'm... more of a roommate than a parent. 76 00:03:40,108 --> 00:03:43,243 Like some weird craigslist roommate that everyone politely ignores. 77 00:03:43,277 --> 00:03:45,829 Oh, that's not true. Hillary's rude to you sometimes. 78 00:03:45,863 --> 00:03:48,749 I just feel like you just do everything and then there's nothing left for me to do. 79 00:03:48,783 --> 00:03:50,450 Why should you have to deal with my stuff? 80 00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:53,503 It's my job. I'm their Dad. I'm the crap-master. 81 00:03:53,538 --> 00:03:55,288 But I could be assistant crap-master. 82 00:03:55,339 --> 00:03:56,953 You want more crap? I'll give you more crap. 83 00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:58,675 Yes. All I want is more crap. 84 00:04:02,312 --> 00:04:03,947 All right! 85 00:04:03,981 --> 00:04:06,682 Killer bees, huddle up. Bring it in! Bring it in! 86 00:04:06,716 --> 00:04:08,484 Lot of good stuff today. 87 00:04:08,518 --> 00:04:09,885 Great spirit. 88 00:04:09,919 --> 00:04:10,886 - Yeah! - Yeah! 89 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,888 You guys ... you guys love to cheer. 90 00:04:12,922 --> 00:04:14,723 Uh, couple of things to think about ... 91 00:04:14,757 --> 00:04:17,893 in general, let's ... let's make it a goal 92 00:04:17,927 --> 00:04:21,630 to not sit down as much during a scrimmage. 93 00:04:21,664 --> 00:04:23,297 - Yay! - Yay! 94 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,299 Also, uh, go to the bathroom ... 95 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:29,303 very important ... before practice, okay? 96 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:34,308 And, Ian, if you do need to go during practice, just, please, leave the field, okay? 97 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,310 Coach Duane, anything you want to add? 98 00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:39,045 I think my wife is having an affair with my brother. 99 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,547 - Yay! - Yay! 100 00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:43,082 All right. Uh, bring it in. 101 00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:45,084 Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! 102 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,586 All right. 103 00:04:46,621 --> 00:04:50,657 Hey, uh, maybe a little less sharing with the kids. 104 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:54,260 Look at you ... doing stuff. 105 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,194 - Yeah. It's exciting, right? - Yeah. 106 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,281 You know, half these kids can't eat peanuts, and the other 107 00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:02,334 half only eat peanuts, so, one wrong bite, half the team dies. 108 00:05:02,368 --> 00:05:04,369 Oh, it's just orange slices and water. 109 00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:06,204 W-well, there's one kid who can't have oranges. 110 00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:08,373 His parents have some issues with Florida. 111 00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:10,708 And that kid with the shorty-shorts 112 00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:14,182 can't have any water, 'cause he's overhydrated. 113 00:05:14,217 --> 00:05:15,279 Hey, Pete? 114 00:05:15,313 --> 00:05:17,292 Stay strong, man. 115 00:05:17,369 --> 00:05:18,516 - Yeah? - Come here. 116 00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:21,352 - What's up? - Can you keep Bert tonight? 117 00:05:21,386 --> 00:05:23,421 'Cause my Tai Chi class is doing a pub crawl. 118 00:05:23,455 --> 00:05:26,024 Uh, I could, but I got a client dinner. 119 00:05:26,058 --> 00:05:28,692 I'm not gonna be back until way after his bedtime. 120 00:05:28,726 --> 00:05:29,927 - Pete... - I can put him to bed. 121 00:05:32,129 --> 00:05:33,363 I saw that look. 122 00:05:33,397 --> 00:05:35,766 - I can't even have a look? - Come on. I can do it. 123 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,635 I mean, I've seen Pete put him to bed a thousand times. 124 00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:40,470 I've been to the ATM like a thousand times. 125 00:05:40,504 --> 00:05:42,738 Doesn't mean I have a clue what's in my bank account. 126 00:05:42,773 --> 00:05:45,074 I think one of us should stay home. 127 00:05:45,108 --> 00:05:48,085 Is it gonna be you or is it gonna be me? Is it an important client? 128 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,186 Ooh ... Is it gonna affect my alimony? 129 00:05:50,221 --> 00:05:53,147 Jackie, Kate's right. She wants to do it, she can do it. 130 00:05:54,717 --> 00:05:57,352 What was that look? 131 00:05:57,386 --> 00:05:59,354 That was a weird look. From now on, new rule ... 132 00:05:59,388 --> 00:06:01,321 everyone says everything out loud. 133 00:06:07,312 --> 00:06:09,247 Warren, I want to watch TV, okay? Move your feet. 134 00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:12,283 - Hey! No eating on the couch! - When Mom's not here, I eat where I want. 135 00:06:12,317 --> 00:06:15,452 - Now move your gross feet. - Gross feet? That was very mean. 136 00:06:15,486 --> 00:06:18,221 - Apologize to my feet. - Never. 137 00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:20,657 Okay, then I'm just gonna have to take your snacks. 138 00:06:20,691 --> 00:06:22,592 Feet! Confiscate snacks! 139 00:06:22,627 --> 00:06:24,327 Foot snacks! Jerk, get your feet off my salsa! 140 00:06:25,796 --> 00:06:28,632 Oh, my god. 141 00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:31,500 - What's up, studly? - Dad, uh... 142 00:06:31,534 --> 00:06:34,002 me and Hillary spilled salsa on Mom's white couch. 143 00:06:34,036 --> 00:06:37,005 Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! 144 00:06:37,039 --> 00:06:38,840 What do we do? 145 00:06:40,042 --> 00:06:43,345 Dad? Be serious, okay? 146 00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:44,913 What are we supposed to do? 147 00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:47,283 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're calling your father for advice. 148 00:06:47,317 --> 00:06:49,985 Here's my advice ... run away. 149 00:06:52,155 --> 00:06:53,288 Hello? 150 00:06:53,322 --> 00:06:55,690 Poor kids. 151 00:06:55,724 --> 00:06:56,858 We're screwed. 152 00:06:56,893 --> 00:06:59,360 Mom loves to punish us in those twisted ways. 153 00:06:59,395 --> 00:07:01,663 I know ... a-and remember that one time I wouldn't stop picking 154 00:07:01,664 --> 00:07:03,932 my nose and so she ... she put that dog cone collar on me? 155 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,433 She cannot find out about this. 156 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:09,604 Wait. Wait. She won't! 157 00:07:11,407 --> 00:07:13,741 Oh, my god! 158 00:07:16,712 --> 00:07:19,480 - Oh! Check it! - Genius. 159 00:07:19,515 --> 00:07:21,815 Okay, as long as we keep a united front, we'll be fine. 160 00:07:21,849 --> 00:07:22,949 Hey, guys. 161 00:07:22,983 --> 00:07:25,118 - Hey, Mom! - How was your day? 162 00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:26,553 It was great. 163 00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:27,887 Hey, Hillary. Let's get out of here. 164 00:07:27,922 --> 00:07:29,656 - Bye, Mom! - Bye, Mom! 165 00:07:35,930 --> 00:07:39,799 "I'm not afraid of your breath, and he gave the dragon a kiss. 166 00:07:39,833 --> 00:07:44,337 And that's how the dragon learned to love." 167 00:07:44,371 --> 00:07:46,171 Okeydokey. 168 00:07:46,206 --> 00:07:47,973 We've got your water ... check. 169 00:07:48,007 --> 00:07:50,643 Mr. Bear's water ... check. 170 00:07:50,677 --> 00:07:52,877 I see you've made some changes to your wardrobe for the week, 171 00:07:52,911 --> 00:07:54,379 which I totally respect. 172 00:07:54,413 --> 00:07:59,684 And now it's time to close your eyes and go to sleep. 173 00:07:59,719 --> 00:08:04,356 - And I'll count you down from 10. - How about from a billion? 174 00:08:05,924 --> 00:08:09,960 - I don't know how to count that high. - How about from a million? 175 00:08:11,162 --> 00:08:15,999 Okay. A million... 176 00:08:19,471 --> 00:08:21,004 Hi. 177 00:08:45,227 --> 00:08:48,062 - Bert? - Hi! Are we playing a game? 178 00:08:48,097 --> 00:08:49,398 No. 179 00:08:50,299 --> 00:08:54,235 - I'm still awake. - Why? 180 00:08:54,270 --> 00:08:55,737 Hey, guys. Snack's ready. 181 00:08:55,772 --> 00:08:58,406 - Just act cool. - I always do. 182 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,741 Oh, Mom, you look ravishing. 183 00:09:00,776 --> 00:09:02,476 Oh. Why, thank you, sweetheart. 184 00:09:02,511 --> 00:09:06,479 Okay, guys, dig in. I made quesadillas. 185 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:11,951 Okay. Any other topping suggestions? 186 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:15,755 - S-sour ... sour cream. - Chocolate. 187 00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:18,491 - Relish. - Uh, mustard? 188 00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:22,327 Relish. 189 00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:26,498 I was thinking of something just a little more picante. 190 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:29,401 I know ... how about some salsa? 191 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,002 - Oh, yeah. Salsa ... right. - Salsa. 192 00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:33,806 We haven't had salsa in a while. Right, Hil? 193 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:34,807 That's right, Warren. 194 00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:39,076 Aah. New bottle. Dig. 195 00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:41,412 - All right. - Oh! 196 00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:43,080 I almost forgot ... napkins, 197 00:09:43,114 --> 00:09:44,582 just in case one of us spills the salsa. 198 00:09:44,616 --> 00:09:45,783 Right. 199 00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:47,985 She knows. She never talks this much about salsa. 200 00:09:48,019 --> 00:09:49,320 Maybe she talks about salsa all the time, 201 00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:51,088 - but we're just noticing it now. - What?! 202 00:09:53,825 --> 00:09:55,124 Hey, dig in guys. 203 00:09:59,630 --> 00:10:01,998 The salsa is what makes it so good. 204 00:10:04,301 --> 00:10:06,102 It's been three hours. We're buddies, right? 205 00:10:06,136 --> 00:10:08,338 - I like you! - Okay, good. I like you, too. 206 00:10:08,372 --> 00:10:11,173 Now can you just please tell me, Berto. What can I do? 207 00:10:11,207 --> 00:10:14,743 - Sometimes I like "This little piggy." - Great. Perfect. 208 00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:18,848 This little piggy went to market. 209 00:10:18,882 --> 00:10:21,216 And this little piggy stayed home. 210 00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:24,887 And this little piggy... went to Pilates. 211 00:10:24,921 --> 00:10:28,957 And this little piggy was like, "Bert, go to sleep!" 212 00:10:28,991 --> 00:10:32,460 That was all wrong. I'm even more awake now. 213 00:10:37,399 --> 00:10:38,566 I'll tell you what. 214 00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:41,970 Tonight, you're gonna fall asleep like I did when I was your age. 215 00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:46,073 I never get to watch TV in bed! 216 00:10:46,108 --> 00:10:48,042 I know. It'll be our little secret, okay? 217 00:10:48,076 --> 00:10:51,678 - Let's Pinky swear! - I like the way you roll. 218 00:10:51,713 --> 00:10:53,347 All right. 219 00:10:53,382 --> 00:10:54,681 Temperatures in the south will be 220 00:10:54,716 --> 00:10:56,250 dropping by tomorrow night. 221 00:10:56,284 --> 00:10:59,153 In sports, Los Angeles beat San Francisco to stay alive 222 00:10:59,154 --> 00:11:02,022 in the chase for the west, and Seattle lost to Texas 223 00:11:02,056 --> 00:11:04,057 despite Hernandez going eight innings... 224 00:11:04,091 --> 00:11:06,726 That's all for the nightly news at 11. 225 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,695 From our family to yours, good night. 226 00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:13,699 Tonight, on "Cold File"... Mark Styman was 227 00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:16,935 a brilliant surgeon, but this surgeon had a secret. 228 00:11:16,969 --> 00:11:21,263 Dr. Mark Styman liked to steal uteruses. 229 00:11:24,981 --> 00:11:26,949 Hey, buddy. All right, time to get up. 230 00:11:26,983 --> 00:11:30,151 - The killer bees need their goalie. - I'm an all-star. 231 00:11:30,185 --> 00:11:32,821 Okay, right ... everybody's an all-star. 232 00:11:32,855 --> 00:11:34,689 Up. Come on. 233 00:11:34,724 --> 00:11:37,091 Oh, I'm tired. I slept bad. 234 00:11:37,125 --> 00:11:40,528 Shh! No, you didn't. Don't say that... to your Dad. 235 00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:42,597 Kate, could a doctor steal my uterus? 236 00:11:42,631 --> 00:11:45,932 Steal your uterus? What are you talking about? 237 00:11:45,967 --> 00:11:49,770 I saw it on "Cold File" last night after you fell asleep. 238 00:11:49,804 --> 00:11:50,971 Ooh, boy. 239 00:11:52,073 --> 00:11:54,341 Okay, listen, let's just keep it between us 240 00:11:54,376 --> 00:11:56,877 - with a Pinky swear? - Okay. 241 00:11:56,911 --> 00:11:57,878 Okay. Good. 242 00:11:57,912 --> 00:11:59,445 Hey, Bert! We gotta go! 243 00:12:00,247 --> 00:12:02,348 Hey. 244 00:12:02,383 --> 00:12:04,650 Just this once, you can have a sip of my coffee. 245 00:12:04,685 --> 00:12:06,619 - It'll wake you up. - Thanks. 246 00:12:13,827 --> 00:12:16,661 I feel better already. 247 00:12:16,696 --> 00:12:18,630 Oh, Bert. 248 00:12:18,664 --> 00:12:21,299 Okay. One last Pinky swear. 249 00:12:22,135 --> 00:12:25,404 - Hey, Bert! Let's go! Let's go! - Yeah, he's coming. 250 00:12:25,438 --> 00:12:27,939 You know how kids get sometimes in the morning. 251 00:12:27,974 --> 00:12:29,441 I was thinking about what you said yesterday 252 00:12:29,476 --> 00:12:32,776 about wanting to be more involved. You got Bert to sleep last night. 253 00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:35,546 I think you're ready for your next challenge. 254 00:12:35,581 --> 00:12:36,714 How would you like to assistant coach 255 00:12:36,748 --> 00:12:38,882 the losingest team in league history? 256 00:12:38,917 --> 00:12:42,220 Oh, Pete. I think I'm already doing so m... 257 00:12:42,254 --> 00:12:44,222 Don't worry. You're gonna hate it. 258 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:47,690 What happened to coach Duane? 259 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,059 Uh, he had a nervous breakdown. 260 00:12:50,094 --> 00:12:52,762 All right! Let's do this! 261 00:12:52,796 --> 00:12:54,598 Someone got a good night's sleep. 262 00:12:55,966 --> 00:12:57,767 Yep. Let's go. 263 00:13:00,971 --> 00:13:03,572 Ah, come dance with me, guys! 264 00:13:03,607 --> 00:13:06,074 Come on, Hil! 265 00:13:06,109 --> 00:13:09,778 Come on. All right, get ready to move your hips. 266 00:13:11,281 --> 00:13:14,283 Mm! What is this music? 267 00:13:14,317 --> 00:13:17,219 It's called... Salsa. 268 00:13:19,855 --> 00:13:22,723 Oh, my god. 269 00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,091 Warren. 270 00:13:27,863 --> 00:13:29,330 How did it go with Bert last night? 271 00:13:29,365 --> 00:13:31,332 - Did he say anything? - Nope. 272 00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:34,536 - Oh, it went great. - Oh, good. I'm so hung over. 273 00:13:34,570 --> 00:13:37,638 - Those Tai Chi ladies are surprisingly violent drinkers. - Oh. 274 00:13:37,672 --> 00:13:39,239 Bring it in! Bring it in, bees! 275 00:13:39,274 --> 00:13:40,740 Got to go ... new coach. 276 00:13:40,775 --> 00:13:42,942 - Oh, yeah? Oh, good luck. - Oh, thanks. 277 00:13:42,977 --> 00:13:44,444 Hey, you know, I coached the Zebras two years ago. 278 00:13:44,479 --> 00:13:48,081 - It was a mess. They kept kicking it out to the refs. - Great. 279 00:13:48,115 --> 00:13:51,417 You know what they say about husband/wife coaching teams. 280 00:13:52,719 --> 00:13:54,253 Gather 'round, gather 'round, huddle up. 281 00:13:54,288 --> 00:13:57,523 Special day ... I want to introduce you to coach Kate 282 00:13:57,558 --> 00:13:58,957 She lives in our house! 283 00:13:58,992 --> 00:14:00,660 She's gonna be helping us while coach Duane 284 00:14:00,694 --> 00:14:02,928 gets the help that he so desperately needs. 285 00:14:02,962 --> 00:14:05,598 Hi, guys. I'm super excited to be here. 286 00:14:05,632 --> 00:14:06,932 I-I love soccer, 287 00:14:06,966 --> 00:14:09,000 - and I love playing with little boys. - Bert. 288 00:14:09,034 --> 00:14:11,791 And... playing with little girls... as well. 289 00:14:11,826 --> 00:14:13,351 Guys, let's give her a big bees welcome. 290 00:14:14,039 --> 00:14:15,139 I'm the Sun! 291 00:14:15,174 --> 00:14:18,643 - Bert? - I'm the Moon! I'm Christmas! 292 00:14:18,678 --> 00:14:20,144 Bert, you want to ... you want to bring it in? 293 00:14:20,179 --> 00:14:21,646 - He's excited. - Rein it down a little bit. 294 00:14:21,681 --> 00:14:22,814 Okay, uh, like I was saying ... 295 00:14:22,848 --> 00:14:26,383 coach Kate is gonna be a valuable addition. Pair up, get a ball. 296 00:14:26,418 --> 00:14:28,385 - Will you check on Bert? He seems a little weird. - Yeah. 297 00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:30,354 No, no ... probably just excited that I'm coaching. 298 00:14:30,388 --> 00:14:31,855 - Okay. - I got it. 299 00:14:31,889 --> 00:14:33,056 Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey! 300 00:14:33,091 --> 00:14:35,392 Get over here. Get over here. Come here. 301 00:14:35,427 --> 00:14:38,562 Okay, listen ... I need you to tone it down a notch. 302 00:14:38,597 --> 00:14:40,062 I can taste my teeth! 303 00:14:40,097 --> 00:14:41,397 Okay. Shh! Don't say that. 304 00:14:41,432 --> 00:14:43,633 Okay, that's ... that's great. Just walk. 305 00:14:45,102 --> 00:14:46,202 Yes, ma'am. 306 00:14:51,408 --> 00:14:54,176 Why did you and Mom need to have a private conversation? 307 00:14:54,211 --> 00:14:56,345 She said if I was going to... to pee in her bathroom, 308 00:14:56,379 --> 00:14:59,581 - that I had to sit down. - She's getting to me. 309 00:14:59,616 --> 00:15:03,652 Okay, she's getting inside my head! Maybe I should just confess. 310 00:15:03,686 --> 00:15:04,686 No, don't ... look, united front. 311 00:15:04,721 --> 00:15:08,189 We're gonna be at Dad's tomorrow. You can make it until then. 312 00:15:08,224 --> 00:15:12,693 Hillary, I need to speak to you privately. 313 00:15:12,728 --> 00:15:14,629 Coming, mother. 314 00:15:34,282 --> 00:15:35,249 Remember, you ... 315 00:15:35,250 --> 00:15:37,183 - you're trying to keep them out of there. - Oh, man. 316 00:15:37,217 --> 00:15:39,653 - Pick up. - It's your house. Nobody comes in. 317 00:15:40,755 --> 00:15:43,889 Hey, bud, you want to try some standing up? 318 00:15:43,923 --> 00:15:46,858 - I need coffee. - Ha! Next thing you know, 319 00:15:46,893 --> 00:15:49,795 he'll be asking for the Wall Street Journal and a cheese Danish. 320 00:15:49,829 --> 00:15:51,129 Hey, what's going on with the Bertster? 321 00:15:51,164 --> 00:15:54,800 I don't know. Did he eat something weird last night? 322 00:15:54,834 --> 00:15:56,134 No, guys, I think he's fine. 323 00:15:56,169 --> 00:15:59,771 You know, let's ... let's get up, Bert, and show 'em what you got, all right? 324 00:15:59,805 --> 00:16:02,307 Come on. Here we go. Up you go. On your feet. 325 00:16:02,341 --> 00:16:04,475 - You got it, bud. Get up, bud. - You ready? Here we go. 326 00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:05,976 You got it, buddy. Ready? Ready? Here we go. 327 00:16:06,011 --> 00:16:09,980 Yeah! There's my all-star! All right, you ready for another one? 328 00:16:10,015 --> 00:16:12,049 Now, pick up the energy. Pick up the energy. 329 00:16:12,083 --> 00:16:14,385 Hands up! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! 330 00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:15,419 Hands up! Let's go! Let's go! 331 00:16:15,187 --> 00:16:19,189 Ow! My uterus! 332 00:16:22,527 --> 00:16:23,827 - My ... my baby. - Oh, my god. 333 00:16:23,861 --> 00:16:25,529 He blocked it! 334 00:16:27,965 --> 00:16:29,065 Oh, Bert. 335 00:16:33,290 --> 00:16:36,157 You guys, I feel terrible. I am so sorry. 336 00:16:36,192 --> 00:16:38,959 Yeah, "sorry" isn't gonna reduce the swelling in my son's testicle. 337 00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:42,630 You act like you know everything, Kate, and you don't know anything. 338 00:16:42,665 --> 00:16:45,800 You know nothing about... anything. 339 00:16:46,735 --> 00:16:51,471 - So, I'm gonna tell you something ... - Jackie, Kate knows that she screwed up. 340 00:16:51,506 --> 00:16:53,640 Yeah ... no ... you screwed up. 341 00:16:53,675 --> 00:16:58,445 You ... I hope you can still be a grandpa after all of Bert's... this. 342 00:16:58,479 --> 00:17:01,181 I think Bert's "this" will be fine. 343 00:17:01,216 --> 00:17:02,849 I just wanted to do something to help, you know? 344 00:17:02,883 --> 00:17:04,184 I just wanted to be part of the family, 345 00:17:04,219 --> 00:17:06,786 and Pete gave me the chance, and I just ... I blew it. 346 00:17:06,821 --> 00:17:09,288 Yeah, you did, like... 347 00:17:09,323 --> 00:17:11,123 "No!" 348 00:17:11,157 --> 00:17:13,644 - Yeah ... real bad. - You know what? I am just ... 349 00:17:13,679 --> 00:17:15,222 I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and get something. 350 00:17:15,257 --> 00:17:16,529 - Do you want anything? - Oh, you know what? 351 00:17:16,563 --> 00:17:19,131 I bet that Bert would just love a triple espresso. 352 00:17:19,165 --> 00:17:22,635 You know, I have said it once, and I will say it again ... 353 00:17:22,669 --> 00:17:25,503 aside from me, I do not understand your taste in women. 354 00:17:25,538 --> 00:17:28,373 I think you need to cut her some slack. 355 00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:30,742 You remember when we got married? 356 00:17:30,776 --> 00:17:33,911 Barely. That open bar was fantastic. 357 00:17:33,946 --> 00:17:36,881 You remember how hard Diane was on you? 358 00:17:36,915 --> 00:17:39,883 You're acting like Diane. 359 00:17:39,917 --> 00:17:43,820 What? Like smart, no-nonsense, very accomplished? Oh, I get it. 360 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:47,090 N-no, I mean, y-y-you're being hard on Kate. 361 00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:51,495 She's ... she's really trying. She loves our little guy. 362 00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:54,831 Mr. And Mrs. Harrison, you can see your son now. 363 00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,299 We don't have a son. 364 00:17:57,768 --> 00:17:58,834 Oh, honest mistake. 365 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:01,871 Mr. And Mrs. Harrison, Bert is fine. You can see him now. 366 00:18:01,905 --> 00:18:03,939 - Great. Yes! - Do ... give him a tip. 367 00:18:03,974 --> 00:18:05,441 Hey, have you guys seen my phone? 368 00:18:05,476 --> 00:18:10,747 - No. - Warren! 369 00:18:11,814 --> 00:18:13,882 Please tell me you did this. 370 00:18:13,916 --> 00:18:17,852 Oh, yeah, I did that, 'cause I'm crazy. No! 371 00:18:17,887 --> 00:18:20,255 Oh, hey, guys. Do you want to watch a movie? 372 00:18:20,290 --> 00:18:22,591 I have rented "La Bamba." 373 00:18:22,625 --> 00:18:26,261 Okay! That's enough! Please, stop, okay? 374 00:18:26,296 --> 00:18:28,396 Why can't you just punish us like a normal parent? 375 00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:30,765 I wanted to tell you the whole time, I swear! 376 00:18:31,966 --> 00:18:33,367 Normal parents don't get results. 377 00:18:33,402 --> 00:18:36,203 - Are you ever going to eat on the sofa again? - No! - No! 378 00:18:36,237 --> 00:18:38,272 - Are you ever going to hide anything from me again? - No! - No! 379 00:18:38,307 --> 00:18:39,973 - Do you love me the most? - No! - Yes! 380 00:18:40,008 --> 00:18:43,876 I ... Sorry, I got caught up in all the NOs. 381 00:18:43,911 --> 00:18:46,666 - Yes, of course I love you the most. - Okay. 382 00:18:47,712 --> 00:18:49,215 - Give your Mom a hug. - Aww! 383 00:18:54,588 --> 00:18:57,757 You can ... go on in. 384 00:18:57,792 --> 00:18:59,491 Oh, it's okay, Jackie. I don't need to go in. 385 00:18:59,526 --> 00:19:02,160 Look, I know I got mad today. 386 00:19:02,195 --> 00:19:04,896 But deep down here, in my Jackie heart, 387 00:19:04,931 --> 00:19:08,286 I know that it's not easy being a new stepmom. 388 00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:11,500 I guess what I'm saying, Kate, is, we're kind of the same, right? 389 00:19:11,535 --> 00:19:14,306 Free spirits ... the souls of birds in people bodies. 390 00:19:14,341 --> 00:19:16,307 Oh, yeah. 391 00:19:16,342 --> 00:19:18,242 Well, t-thanks, Jackie. That's really sweet. 392 00:19:18,276 --> 00:19:20,778 But you don't need to let me go in. It's okay. 393 00:19:20,813 --> 00:19:22,447 Yeah, well, I'm not... 394 00:19:22,481 --> 00:19:24,849 letting you do anything, 'cause he wants you. 395 00:19:24,883 --> 00:19:26,451 - He does? - Yeah. 396 00:19:26,485 --> 00:19:28,453 Oh. Okay. Great. Well, then... 397 00:19:28,487 --> 00:19:30,455 Can you just ... I'm ... I'll just go in then. 398 00:19:30,489 --> 00:19:31,788 All right. 399 00:19:34,024 --> 00:19:35,826 - Kate! - Hey, buddy! 400 00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:38,595 Oh, I'm so sorry... about that. 401 00:19:38,629 --> 00:19:40,530 I'm sorry I broke the Pinky swear. 402 00:19:40,565 --> 00:19:43,032 Oh, apology accepted. I'm more sorry. 403 00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,001 Actually, he invited you here for a very special reason. 404 00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:46,870 Will you do the piggies? 405 00:19:46,904 --> 00:19:48,405 - My piggies? - Yes! 406 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,274 Of course! This little piggy went to the market. 407 00:19:51,308 --> 00:19:52,976 This little piggy stayed home. 408 00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:54,944 This little piggy went to the Hamptons. 409 00:19:54,979 --> 00:19:57,180 And this little piggy was, like, totally jealous. 410 00:19:57,214 --> 00:19:59,148 And this little piggy was like, 411 00:19:59,183 --> 00:20:01,384 "I don't care. I'm gonna go get a tongue piercing." 412 00:20:01,418 --> 00:20:02,986 It's still so wrong. 413 00:20:05,388 --> 00:20:09,375 And I want to apologize to you, because, um, you know, 414 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,860 I should have told you that I was messing everything up. 415 00:20:11,895 --> 00:20:13,195 That's all right ... just, in the future, 416 00:20:13,229 --> 00:20:15,030 let's not keep things from each other, okay? 417 00:20:15,064 --> 00:20:17,399 That's what my ex-wives are for. 418 00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,868 Oh, Kate, it turns out I didn't hurt my uterus at all. 419 00:20:19,902 --> 00:20:21,661 That's because you don't have a uterus. 420 00:20:21,696 --> 00:20:25,639 - Remember, buddy? Girls do. - So... what's in my butt? 421 00:20:25,673 --> 00:20:28,342 - Butt stuff. - Uh-huh. 422 00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:30,677 Well, actually, there's a lot of things in your butt. 423 00:20:30,712 --> 00:20:33,047 - You know, if you think about it... - Butt stuff. 424 00:20:34,016 --> 00:20:36,583 Butt stuff. Yeah. 425 00:20:39,410 --> 00:20:41,495 Excuse me, sir?! 426 00:20:41,896 --> 00:20:43,580 Shower police? 427 00:20:43,614 --> 00:20:46,032 We got a report there's a man fitting your sexy 428 00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:48,450 description who's been hanging out in this shower. 429 00:20:48,485 --> 00:20:50,719 I'd like to come in and investigate. 430 00:20:50,754 --> 00:20:51,954 Okay! 431 00:20:54,491 --> 00:20:57,126 Kate! I need some orange juice! 432 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,728 Not now, buddy!!! 433 00:20:59,763 --> 00:21:02,297 - Honey, he needs me. Isn't that great? - But I've been bad. 434 00:21:02,331 --> 00:21:04,900 I've been ... I've been... I'm bad. I'm very bad! 435 00:21:04,934 --> 00:21:06,534 I'll be back. I'll be right back. 436 00:21:08,204 --> 00:21:10,972 Never gonna happen.