Dear Diary.
It had been two days since the pool party,
and still Chloe hadn't mentioned the hospital tag.
Rae.
'But I had a terrible feeling that was all about to change.'
Thanks for meeting, sweets.
I just really need to talk to you about something.
I think I've got a boyfriend.
I thought you wanted to talk about something serious.
Yeah, well, it is serious, Rae.
Proper serious.
It's not Archie, is it?
No, it's not Archie. It's...
someone who...
Oh, look, I can't tell you, babe.
Not yet.
But I just wanted you to know,
because you're my bessie and I hate keeping secrets from you.
Well, don't be like that.
Like what?
Rae, you will find a boyfriend.
How?
How will I ever find a boyfriend?
Right, come here, sit down.
Right...
My sister used to be big.
So, I know what this is like.
And I know that boys don't like it.
And it's not right, but...
that's just the way they are.
You know, they think, if they go out with someone who's big,
then the other lads will just take the piss.
I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
Yeah? Come here.
Come on! Want a hug.
I am a body dysmorphic
without the dysmorphic.
I am a bulimic...
without the sick.
I am fat.
You all right, Finn?
S'pose.
I'm fine, by the way.
Rae!
'Oh, my God. Archie, the tyrannosaurus of sexiness,
'was coming to sit next to me.
'I wanted him to treat me like that little goat in Jurassic Park
'and just eat me whole.'
Save me from this conversation. Please!
Why?
What's everyone talking about?
Orgasms!
That'd be my specialist subject on Mastermind.
I've never had an orgasm.
It's exactly the same as sneezing eight times.
Is it bollocks!
It's true. And when I come, I come with thunder, pal.
Once you get him out, the SWAT team can't get him back in.
Oh, aye?!
What about the girls you're doing it with?
Ask Sam Moffat, mate.
I threw her round that Renault 5 like she was an empty shell suit.
Why d'you have to be such a horrible boy all the time?
What you doin'? Why? Why?
Chill! Stop hitting me!
It's not nice.
Like, I'm not saying I've done everything.
Yeah, cheeky! But, you know, like,
an orgasm's like a gateway.
You can never go back through. Like, it sets you free as a person. Doesn't it?
Totally! Yeah!
I've got an idea.
Why don't we all talk about our best sexual
and romantic experiences? Great! I'll go first. Listen...
Er, no, Rae... Rae, you go first.
I forgot, I've gotta put the tea on for my mum. Sorry, guys.
Come on, Rae. Hey, I'll get you a drink.
No, it's all right.
Come on, you only just got here. What you making?
'Thanks to Chloe, it was now clear to everyone
'that I had never done anything sexual or romantic.
'The 15th of July, 1996.
'Something had to be done.
'One - pass through the mystical orgasm gateway.
'Two - see someone naked.
'Three - kiss someone.
'Must be human.'
I didn't even see anything.
She saw everything.
Rae, did you see Mrs Dewhurst's... credentials?
She's always peeping.
I didn't peep. You did.
Were you staring at her? No!
I opened the curtains, and she was standing there...
Oh, I beg your pardon... naked.
I'm very sorry.
You were. Fed up with it!
Why would I peep? What is there to even peep at?
Rae, be quiet!
'It was typical.
'The first time I catch a glimpse of another person's bits
'and it's my 76-year-old neighbour's.
'A romantic milestone burnt into my retinas.'
Right.
First off, Rae isn't gonna peep any more.
But I didn't peep! Just...!
Second off, she'll run a few errands for you
to apologise for any embarrassment - how's that?
'Living in the totalitarian state of Mum was worse than being in prison.
'At least there are laws to protect prisoners.
'Any kind of human right I am entitled to is always swept away by one single phrase.'
And don't pull that face at me, Rachel Earl.
So long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules.
My mum's in a sham relationship.
She's going out with this guy.
And he's like...
handsome and fit and stuff.
But she...
she's like me.
She's a blob.
A blob with a gob.
Is that how you see yourself?
It's how I am.
Tell me some things that you like about yourself.
Anything.
I can't think of anything.
All right, if I was to ask one of your friends what they liked about you,
what do you think they would say?
They would say...
"What the bloody hell are you asking me that for?"
I've noticed that every time you come into this room,
you take the longer way round to that chair.
I thought maybe you're trying to avoid that mirror over there.
Ooh! Maybe you should open a detective agency.
Yeah, maybe I should.
Hardly anyone likes looking in a mirror.
In fact, no-one likes looking in a mirror.
You know what, Rae?
I'm 47 years old and I still get blackheads.
I've got bags under my eyes
that make me look like I've battled a lifelong addiction to heroin.
But having said that,
I do look fantastic.
Yeah, I look great.
You know what?
Perfect wouldn't be a stretch too far.
I think I look perfect.
Are you trying to make me hate you?
I want you to make it your mission to look in a mirror every day.
And no matter how many things you see that you don't like,
I want you to say something positive about yourself.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Do you know what? It's just weird.
Is it more or less weird...
than being physically unable to look at your own reflection?
I'm not doing it.
All I'm asking is that you try your...
I'm not fucking doing it.
What do you like about me?
I like everything about you.
Mmm.
Be more specific.
I can't.
There's nothing I don't like about you.
You're lovely...
but unhelpful.
Tix!
Danny.
What?
Danny, let go of her arm.
Agh! Stop it. Agh! Tix, stop.
Agh!
Tix, stop it. Agh! Agh, Tix!
Agh! Stop it. Sorry, Tix. Agh!
Tix, I said I'm sorry, Tix. I forgot. Tix, I'm sorry.
No! No-one touch her.
Danny, just let go of her arms.
But she'll hit me again. She won't. Just stop touching her.
Tixy.
'Broken people fall to bits sometimes. That's what they do.
'But I'm not broken.'
It's all right.
'Not any more.'
It's all right. It's all right.
Why did she look at me like that when she gave me my prescription?
Like, it's just the pill - it's no big deal.
I think she looks at everyone like that.
I once bought a whistling lollipop from there, and she looked at me
like I'd farted in an empty bag of Monster Munch
and just squashed it in her face.
Nah, it's because it was the pill. I know it.
I can't believe I'm gonna be doing it, Rae.
This weekend!
Shit!
Shit.
So, are we gonna talk about the pool party?
What about the pool party?
Well, I found that hospital tag thing.
'I wished for the ground to swallow me up, for a piano to fall from the heavens
'and crush Chloe deep into the earth.
'But the weird thing was, something even more incredible happened.'
- Ay, ay. - Hi, Archie.
Hi. Rae, I wanted to talk to you at the boozer last night, but you left before I could speak to you.
I just, er, wanted to know
if you wanted to come out for a drink with me tomorrow night.
Just me and you.
'Wasn't expecting that!
'What to say?'
'Yeah? Fuck yeah?
'A thousand fucks yeah?!'
Is that a yes or a no?
Yeah.
Why not?
Cool. All right, I'll... I'll meet you at The Swan at eightish.
When are you allowed back to the ward?
Kester says I have to prove to him that I'm not gonna freak out again.
Let's talk about something else.
So, tell me about Archie.
Well...
he's an Aries, which is perfect, because I'm a Sagittarius.
And he prefers Oasis to Blur,
but he quite liked Parklife
because it reminded him of this holiday that he had in Corfu.
And he wants to study history at university,
cos he wants to be, like, a historian.
And he's always coming out with these amazing quotes
from, like, Alexander the Great and stuff.
Tix, this could be it.
This could be the real thing.
I would be nervous about it, though. Boys move pretty fast, don't they?
He might want to touch you.
Er...
Tix, are you forgetting that I really want him to?
Well, yeah, but think about it.
You could be naked in front of each other tonight.
You could be looking at him naked,
thinking, "What do I do now?"
"What do I do with... that?
"What if I do something to it that he doesn't like?"
And that's not forgetting the fact that you'll be naked.
I would be bricking it, Rae. Aren't you bricking it?
Oh, my God!
'Bollocks to looking in a mirror and whispering sweet nothings to myself.
'If I wanted Archie to touch me,
'it was imperative there was a lot less of me to touch.'
'Oh, Christ!
'I'm the tyrannosaurus of sex.'
Ahh!
Clever girl!
Ah! Ahh!
'Something must be done.'
'Only one album would get my fat arse moving.
'It was time for greatness.'
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13...
18, 19...
21, 22, 23...
Oi!
Jabba the jogger!
God! Jabba!
Jabba the jogger!
Oi, Jabba jogger!
Bollocks.
'Argh! How can I weigh more?'
Mum?
Sit down, Rachel.
Stamford...
is a small town, Rae.
People talk.
Have you got something that you want to tell me?
No.
Not even in regards...
this?
That's for my mum.
Not even in regards...
these.
Don't look at me! They're for my mum.
It's not even that you're spreading rumours
that I'm some kind of sex maniac.
It's that to be a sex maniac, you have to have a man.
And as the man I've got is currently on the run from Immigration,
it's not something I want spread around town.
I, erm...
It's not just those things.
It's the fact...
that I come home after a long day
cleaning up the sick... and the piss
of the infirmed and injured, to find...
that you have thrown away
£35-worth of confectionery
for no reason!
I, er...
Shush!
I don't know what game you're playing at,
but you're grounded for 24 hours,
effective immediately.
I can't! I'm meeting some...
Put... your keys... on... the table!
'He's waiting for me. He's waiting for me!
'And some skinny bitch will see him all alone at the bar,
'dry his tears and shag him in the toilets.
'Arrgh!'
All right, I'm coming!
Archie?
I'm wearing a towelling rainbow. I look like a tube of toothpaste.
Rae, what happened?
I'm really sorry, Archie. My mum wouldn't let me come out.
Why?
Cos I threw away a few of her chocolate bars.
Let's go out now. I won't tell her.
I dunno.
She knows everyone in Stamford.
If we go to the pub, she'll only find out.
I know somewhere else we can go.
All right. Wait here.
Two minutes.
- OK. - All right.
There aren't many good things about working early shifts at a leisure centre.
Oh.
But there are some.
'Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't hear a thing.
'Just keep that pretty mouth moving.'
that was really what put an end to the sport.
If it hadn't have been for that, maybe we'd have...
jousting areas in leisure centres all over Britain, eh?
Yeah.
Am I being boring again?
No.
I like listening to you talk about stuff.
'It was incredible what Archie's tongue felt like -
'like a small, warm animal darting round inside my mouth.
'In that one kiss, I was so free.
'Free of people telling me what to do.
'Free of hospitals.'
'Free of myself.'
Archie.
Your hand is on my boob?
Does it feel good?
Yeah, it's all right.
Cool.
Yeah.
Will you be allowed out tomorrow?
Yeah. I'm on parole tomorrow.
Well, if you can, meet me tomorrow evening for tea in the cafe outside the cinema.
Er, my parents are away at the moment, so, er...
Well... Afterwards, maybe we could go back to mine.
See ya.
It was too good to be true.
If it wasn't for the fact that I found two new spots, I'd think I was dreaming.
Someone likes me.
Not just someone.
Archie, the professor of horn, likes me.
I don't get it, but I love, love, love it!
Rae!
Oh, guess who I've just been speaking to.
Who? Mrs Dewhurst.
Guess who she saw coming in at one o'clock in the morning with a boy last night.
Who?
I don't know when you thought that going out with a boy
and doing God knows what till God knows when...
Why is it all right for you to have a boyfriend but not for me?
I've gotta put up with Karim every bloody day.
Get in there.
Get in.
Right, what is wrong with Karim?
He's constantly in a state of semi-nudity.
Why is he even here?
Why's he going out with you?
I just don't get it.
There's nothing to get. He loves me.
Fair enough.
D'you know what? I am sick to the back teeth of you taking the piss out of me.
I'm your mum.
Not your school friend, not your sister. Your mum.
Are we done? No, we're not done. You're grounded.
Not just for today. Not just for tomorrow.
But for forever, until I say stop.
You can't do that.
I can do that, cos this is my house and you're living...
Yeah, it might be your house and I might live under your roof,
but you're not grounding me.
End of.
Three weeks ago, Rae,
you were in a psychiatric ward.
It's my job to keep an eye on you,
to make sure you don't do too much, too soon,
to make sure you don't break again.
But d'you know what? Fine.
You obviously know better than me.
Do what you want.
Chop, you are talking absolute bollocks.
Orgasms are mint.
A sneeze isn't even nice.
How can eight of 'em be an orgasm? It doesn't make sense.
It's pound for pound. It has the same physical impact.
I read it in a textbook, all right?
So, just drop it. Prove it.
All right, I will do. Go on.
No, rack up a line of that pepper and see if you can snort it. Go on.
That one there? Aye.
All right, I'll do it right now. Get it right up your nose.
Watch me go. Rae!
I'll give you a fiver... How was your date with Archie?
Tell me everything!
You didn't let him touch your lady parts, did you, Raemundo?
What are you doing? No, nothing happened.
I told you nothing'd happen. Yeah... nothing happened.
We did have a bit of a kiss, though.
Oh!
Go on! You two are so perfect for each other.
Raemundo, you saucy little tartlet, you!
You little raring tiger! Get out of it! Go on!
Chop! It was only a kiss!
Bollocks to that.
Your faces totally had sex with each other.Right.
It was kinda cool.
But... big deal. So we kissed.
I can't believe you're so chilled about it.
Well, you know... But, Izzy, it was so...
Girls, I need to talk to you.
Toilets.
Now!
Is that big enough, that? Here y'are.
That's big enough, that. Have a bit more, mate. Go on.
I had sex last night!
Oh, yay! Oh, my God!
What was it like?
Who was it with? Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
I still can't tell you who he is. Yeah, yeah.
It's just... Totally.
You know, we just want everything not to be in the public domain at the moment.
You know? Yeah.
Oh, it was perfect. Got to his house about half-eight-ish.
He only lives in a sodding barn conversion!
Oh, my God! I know!
So, when I got there, we had, like, a little bit of dinner.
What did you eat? Just a sandwich.
He made you a sandwich? Yeah.
Well, what kind of sandwich? Well, cheese and Branston.
Ohh... And anyway,
he only goes and sticks on the Phil Collins album.
Oh! Which Phil Collins album?
Well, the one with Coming In The Air Tonight on it. Obviously!
Face Value? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I think so.
Doesn't matter anyway.
Because we were only halfway through the first song when he took me upstairs.
What was his bedroom like?
Yeah, he was a bit weird about taking me in there...
so he laid me out
on a towel on the landing...
in front of the airing cupboard.
And, well...
you know the rest.
Classic Chloe.
Rae!
Tell Chloe your news.
Well, no, it's nothing compared to...
I kissed Archie last night.
Oh, my God!
How?
Well, we just put our faces together.
Obviously!
It turns out he proper fancies me.
Ohhh! You know what? Archie's really hot.
Yeah. Correct.
Yeah.
So, what else happened?
Well, there was a bit of touching when we was kissin'!
As standard, you know? Yeah!
What else?
He fingered me eight times.
Yay! What?!
Shit.
Fucking hell, Rae.
Yeah. Under your jeans?
Over my jeans.
Oh, that still counts.
Totally still counts. Oh, my God.
Yeah! That's so good.
And, er, well, we're going on another date tonight.
Really? Yeah.
His parents are away, so, um, I'm...
probably gonna be doing it.
Holy shit, Rae! Are you ready for that?
We should do a makeover!
Definitely a makeover.
Pleeease! No, no, no, no. I don't do makeovers.
That's not me. No. Er, well, you do now.
So, listen to me. OK?
This is not just a kiss and a bit of a grope.
It's more than a grope.Exactly.
So, think.
Think, Rae. Think...
of how hot Archie is.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
He's gonna be naked, trying to put his penis inside of you.
Yeah, inside. Do you wanna look your best?
Yeah!
Oh, God.
I never wanna have an orgasm if it looks like that.
Are you sure this is even necessary?
I mean, he kissed me...
so he must like me.
Yeah, but he's got to be turned on by you, Rae.
You know? Otherwise...
Well... Otherwise well what?
Well, listen, sometimes men, they can have problems,
you know, being ready.
Well, how often does that happen? Well...
if they don't like something
or if they feel uncomfortable.
So, please, will you hurry up and try on the outfit, cos I'm bored.
All right. Chlo...
I think we should go with the black leggings.
Yeah, maybe you're right, actually.
Rae, try these leggings on.
Oh, right.
What happened to your legs, Rae?
I was in an accident when I was in France.
Oh, my God!
Do they look horrible?
You can't even really notice them.
D'you think Archie will be turned off by them?
Maybe we could put some makeup on 'em.
Would that work?
We could try.
But if we're gonna put makeup on your legs, Rae,
it seems mad not to let me do all your makeup properly.
All right! Yeah!
Rae...
um, why didn't you tell me?
Eh? Come here!
If you want to make someone touch you and you can't change the way you look,
I guess the next best thing is to hide it, with makeup,
with clothes, with whatever you can find.
I feel sick.
Maybe I should just cancel. No. Look at me.
We haven't spend three hours making you look super foxy for you to walk away.
Me and Chlo will come in for the first 20 minutes.
Make sure everything's OK.
Well, you go first, foxy lady. Oh, shut up!
Hi.
Who are you? Who's that?
Um... This is my Uncle Kester. These are my friends.
Chloe. Hi.
Izzy. Hiya.
Hello.
Are you the uncle Rae stopped with in France?
Yeah. That... That... That's right.Bonjour!
Er, peut-etre que je peux pratiquer mon francais avec vous?
Er, I'm... I don't speak French when I'm in England.
In case I forget how to speak English.
Oh, right.
Oh, my God, Rae was just telling me
about her accident. Chloe...
We've gotta go.
It was lovely to meet you anyway. Bye.
Ciao.
Can I have a coffee, please?
Thanks.
Yo.
What are you doing here?
I've just seen Archie.
He ain't coming.
He said to say... Well, he said to say that, really.
Right.
Why are you dressed like Chloe? I'm not dressed like Chloe.
OK.
See you later, then.
Rae, what did Finn say?
Don't. Just leave me alone.
' "When Alexander the Great saw the breadth of his domain, he wept,
' "for there were no more worlds to conquer."
'That's Archie's favourite quote.
'My domain is my bed. 'I'm weeping for the opposite reason.
'The world has conquered me.'
It's midday.
I know.
I'm just about to make a sausage casserole.
Not hungry.
I've got tiger bread and spread for dipping.
What spread is it?
Lurpak.
Normal or unsalted?
Normal.
Obviously.
I thought about it.
I shouldn't have gone out.
I deserve to be grounded.
Right.
Right, well, um...
since you've thought about it and you're sorry...
I don't think you do need to be grounded.
You can go out, if you want.
Just behave yourself, be responsible.
Karim.
Rae, it's for you.
It's a young man.
What?
I came about yesterday.
Come to take the piss, have you? No.
Just save it. I would never have done it
if I knew you were supposed to be on a date.
Oh. How very grown-up of you!
Look, I know you don't like me, and that's fine, right?
But I just...
I think he's a dick for what he did.
I didn't want you adding it to the very long list of things you hate about me.
Finn.
The list isn't that long.
Archie's at work at the leisure centre right now.
If I were you, I'd find him
and I'd stick a fucking boot right up his arse.
Weight Watchers is Tuesday. Yeah?
Why don't you just tell me where Archie is
before I wrap my fist right round your nose?
He's in the wet rooms.
But it's 50p admission, though.
Fuck off!
Rae! Shit!
Are you peeping? No. No, no.
No. No. It's not what it looks like.
Because it looks like you're a pervert. No. Er... It...
Let me explain. It... It's just...
It... I swear.
Move. Please.
Archie, move. Rae, no. No!
Move! Rae!
Rae.
Rae. Just...
Rae, please...
Rae, please. Please stop. Stop. Look at me.
Just... Just stop a second. I knew it!
I knew you couldn't possibly like me.
Shh!
How could you do this to me?
Why not just leave me alone in the first place?
Rae, please. I know that I'm ugly and I know
that boys don't like me, so why... why make me think that you did?
I'm really sorry. OK?
Just, please...
Oh, my God!
Did I do it?
Did I make you gay? No, no, no, no, of course not.
Was it me? Shh!
Just... Just calm down. Just wait.
I bottled it.
I thought if I tried to be straight for a bit... then maybe...
You don't know what it's like.
Having this big bloody secret that could come out at any moment.
It's horrible.
I'm really sorry.
What did you think...
when you saw my legs...
at the pool party?
Dunno. Er...
- I thought you'd been in an accident or something. - Did you think I was a freak?
Why would I ever think that?
Why don't you just be brave and tell people?
Then you'd be free to be yourself.
You wouldn't have to worry all the time.
Come out, in Lincolnshire, when I'm still in high school?
That's not bravery. That's just asking for it.
RH Tawney said...
"What's freedom for the pike is death for the minnow."
I think I believe that.
Archie...
You know, for a gayer...
you really are a boring fucker sometimes!
D'you know what?
There is one thing you can do to make it up to me.
'Well, Chop said that Archie literally, like, begged you to forgive him'
- and then he asked you to go out with him, and you said no. - 'Yeah,'
he did beg and that, but whatever.
I'm just... I'm at a stage in my life where I am loving being single.
That is so hardcore!
'Why didn't I think of that?'
It's fucking embarrassing how good I look some days.
So...
how long does it take for you to actually believe it?
Oh, I think it's a lifelong project for everyone.
Rae!
Danny, Tix would like to say something to you.
I'm...
sorry for hitting you with the tray.
Repeatedly hitting you with the tray.
That's all right.
I should've remembered not to surprise you like that.
I forgot you don't like it.
Please take your hand off mine.
'Maybe some bodies weren't meant to be touched.
'Maybe my body wasn't meant to be stroked...'
'..and nibbled and kissed and held.
'Maybe me and Mrs Dewhurst had more in common than I thought.
'Maybe I'll grow old like her...
'..alone,
'never being touched...
'never feeling good.
' "Caesar's wife was wearing flowing white robes,
' "which clung to every curve like a gentle caress.
' "The centurion pressed himself against her,
' "and she felt his passion, hard and ready." '
' "Marcus Antonius could no longer keep his hands off her perfectly curved rear.
' "The firmness of his tumescence surprised her
' "as she felt blindly behind her,
' "wrapping her fingers around his shaft."'
What are you doing?
I must have you, Your Highness.
Wow!