[upbeat music]
Yes. How lovely darling?
Yes.
Jane. I...
Yes, it's, it's spelt plough, but pronounced Cluff
as in Brian Cluff, the sportsman.
Okay. Tremendous fun.
Good Lord.
Absolutely. I
Have to be on stage at 7:30, you know?
Yes.
Aw. Shit.
Actually, can I call you back?
What the hell?
I've stung my bloody eyes.
Your nozzle was pointing ass ways.
Well, at least now I've got your attention.
Are you all right toast?
It's not been a good week.
I'm sleeping in a tiny chair.
My back is killing me.
I've just got divorced and they're still protesting at...
At what
The bloody play that you put me in.
Well, it's controversial stuff.
People may not be ready for it like Shakespeare
in the 16th century.
You know, I think people only
got Shakespeare when Lenny Henry started doing it
And I've lost my watch.
And earlier I coughed
and nearly followed through in odd bins.
Aren't they facing liquidation?
Yeah they're not the only ones my dear.
Is that Ray purchase.
Oh yes.
Now that's when he was in that Ray Cooney fast,
he drew that himself.
He's such a fucking bafoon.
The last I heard he was using his skills
as a police artist,
he draws identical pictures of criminals.
Ray purchase.
Everything about that man was a complete and utter fast.
Come on, dirty birth.
I'm giving you my all Mrs. Purchase.
Oh my bloody all.
Come on you shit bag.
Hold on.
I'm nearly there.
I can fill my ball's fist.
Oh, what the hell are you doing?
Didn't you hear that?
What?
Ray's home!
You said he was doing a radio with Wendy Craig.
Quick get in the wardrobe.
What wardrobe?
That one there.
Jesus Christ
Hello, darling.
I thought you were recording that radio show.
No, Wendy threw up her lasagna, went everywhere.
Hmm. You look nice.
Not now, Ray.
What the hell is this?
Nothing.
Have you been...
No.
Is that...
Is somebody in there?
Ah Ray you're being ridiculous.
Is someone in there?
Come out.
Right? I'll get to the bottom of this.
I'm going to get the axe.
Oh, not the axe.
Ray you're being ridiculous.
Oh toast toast.
I've dropped the bloody key on the floor.
I can't find it.
I'm not sure what I should do.
Stop talking.
I'm almost certain he'll go away.
Yeah.
Oh no.
Christ.
Hello? I'm Steven Toast.
I believe we share the same agent.
What?
I was just jogging past the building.
And remember you just moved in.
What?
So I thought I'd call in on your beautiful wife.
What
You dropped in for a quickie did you ,
for some knob jogging
Knob jogging?
No, no, no.
I think you mean knob jogging.
Come on and toast.
Really?
Yeah.
Your marriage is a fast Purchase.
Notice the emphasis I put on the word fast.
Oh, let it go.
Toast.
How old is Kenton Schweiz.
Oh, I don't know.
He's about 20...
No, no.
Don't tell me.
I'll just get upset.
Actually. Kenton Schweiz has pulled out
of a voiceover this afternoon.
He's gone AWOL with another actor's fiance.
You could do it instead.
They literally want you to say one word.
Even if it's a long word,
won't take more than a few minutes.
Well, no word takes longer than a few minutes.
I remember learning that at Rado.
Are there any words you won't say,
any words that you are uncomfortable with?
Yes. I refuse to say the word unsheathed.
Oh, now actually they've given me
the word they want you to say.
What is it?
Yes.
Sorry.
Yes. They want you to say the word yes.
Can you say that?
Yes.
Anyway, how are you settling in with Ed?
Well, I'm glad it's not long term.
He has a very unusual setup with an aged agoraphobe.
Good house.
Yes it's odd.
Yes.
Oh, I like your drawings toast.
The naive style.
Well, it's my own style, Ed,
I'm not sure what it's called.
I might ask you to take that
one of the yacht off the wall.
Good house.
So it gets preferred
by anything that smacks the great outdoors.
All right.
Actually, maybe best to remove them all.
Don't want you feeling too much at home.
No, of course.
Soon as I got my own place, I'll be gone.
Oh, I'm seeing my brother Blair later
and there's a possibility I could stay at his clap.
He's the soldier, isn't he?
Yes. He came back from the Portland islands
with an amputated hand.
Really? I'd have thought he'd have left it there.
No, I think he did.
Ah
Good house.
Letting off a bit of steam.
So, sleep well Toast?
Not great Ed. The walls are pretty thin.
Could help overhearing your love making.
You don't half shift through the gears.
Made my teeth rattle.
You and Good House.
You're not theeeee...
She's not my wife.
Oh, I see.
My wife lives in Swaziland.
The French handled this type of thing much better than us.
Don't they?
Now you're probably curious about good houses agoraphobia.
I'm afraid we had a bit of a setback yesterday.
I don't want to leave.
Come on good house,
we'll just walk down the end of the road.
Nothing can go wrong.
All right.
Let's do it.
Excellent. Excellent.
You can be totally confident
about it being a complete success.
So she hasn't been outside for two years.
And the first thing she sees is a flasher.
Apparently the police have been after this fellow
for some time used to be known as the tooting flasher
but appears that he's now as it were expanded
his operations across the Southeast.
Got a little cocky you might say.
Did you get a good look at his face?
No. No one finds oneself in that situation
somewhat transfixed.
Oh yes, of course.
Johnny good have had to agree to put you out for a while.
This is a hell of a long meeting Jane.
We just need to discuss the TV drama.
It's a marvellous part.
A week's work filming in Spain.
No
It'll be the end of July.
Cliff promise is producing.
All right.
I've met him.
Yes. He's pretty sure you are right for the role
but wants to see you read.
He wants to see me read.
Well, he can fuck that sky high.
No.
It's just a formality, but he needs to see you today.
But I have to meet my brother.
Now that's the one.
I've gotta end this meeting now, Jane I'm...
This is the thing.
It's a bit of a weird one about cliff promise.
He's been in trouble recently.
So he is kind of out of action.
What do you mean out of action?
He's in jail.
Cliff promise is in jail?
Well only for a short time.
What the hell for?
This will knock your Bandi,
he's in for Holocaust denial.
What?
It's very odd.
The thing about Clifford is
that he actually has lots of Jewish friends.
Well, he just thinks the figures don't add up.
Should I be auditioning for a Holocaust denial?
And my father was in the army.
He was in Altwitchz.
Really when?
1945, just after they opened it up to the tourists.
You know, I think it's as much a free speech thing
with cliff as anything.
He's not a Nazi is he?
When I met him at Caroline Quinta's housewarming party
last year he didn't come across as a Nazi.
He was wearing the SS uniform
but he didn't come across as a Nazi.
You know like prince Harry wears one.
It's just a bit of fun.
He was also questioned by the police
after a racial chanting incident.
Where? At a football match, presumably
No on the set of inspector Somerset,
he didn't agree with the casting of Bennett Carnival.
Because Bennett Carnival's black.
Yes.
Well didn't he play the Nigerian ambassador in that?
Talking of racial matters.
The evening standard rang me earlier.
What do those fuckers want?
They left a message about wanting me to talk about Asians.
What do I know about Asians?
They probably meant agents after all.
You are an agent.
Oh, that could be it.
All right.
Where do I have to meet him?
Ah Bugger.
I say, I think I may have broken your doorbell.
Steven, Cliff Promise.
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, that's such a great touch.
Sorry. What?
The blinking, David's nervous so he blinks.
It's not even in the script, but it's so right.
Oh, I sprayed perfume in my eyes earlier.
Why?
It was an accident.
Okay. Let's just give it a read.
You have the scene.
All right.
Excellent.
I can read the part of Daisy.
I suggest from the bit where David's drunk
and they're having a bit of an argument in the Villa.
You seem to be paying a bit
of attention to Roger the other night, a bit.
Yes, that's it. Okay.
You seem to be paying a bit
of attention to Roger the other night.
Are you drunk again David?
Too much wine always brings out your jealous ranches.
Maybe a bit of blinking Steven.
I loved what you were doing with that.
You are practically throwing yourself at him.
And just stop it there.
Very good.
But were you doing him slightly... Jamaica.
I thought I detected a little patua.
There's no way, David, is Jamaican.
Okay. Let's trot on.
All right. Is my character gay?
Yes. You are an undercover gay detective.
Well, shall I do him camp?
You could try it.
Do you want to try it?
Well, he is probably trying to hide it.
He is married.
Trying to catch a killer.
Really? Look I'll try something.
Good for you.
The first time he came down from situs,
you were practically throwing yourself at him,
and that bitch of wife.
Couple of bollocks, hey,
this one here is a gay bent copper.
Sorry, everything alright here.
And he smells of perfume.
[shouting and alarm goes off]
Which way is London?
That way.
Unbelievable.
[instrumental music]
I blew his head off completely.
And when I say completely, I mean completely.
Well, I imagine one blows someone's head
off there's no half measures.
His head, shot up into the air and landed into my lap.
Now what happened next?
I will never forget.
He looked me straight
into the eyes and has God as my witness.
He mouthed the words...
Thank you.
Oh, Steven, you would love the army life.
Good enough for our father and grandfather.
It's not too late to know.
I think it is too late Blair.
The acting life is the life for me.
Is that a new hand?
What? I am, usual one's getting fixed.
So I hear this play your in.
Is a piece of shit.
It's true the subject matter, could be considered robust.
It beats rang the risk of getting your head blown off.
Although I was almost set on fire during rehearsal.
I've lost count of the number of times I've been set
on fire, kept me on my toes.
Wouldn't do you any harm either?
Excellent. It's been great seeing you Blair
but I have a voiceover in Soho and the studio's booked.
The studio people exclusively by homosexuals no doubt?
Well, there'll probably be at least one homosexual
and they are one 10 of the male population.
Not in the army they're not.
Number of homosexuals in the army?
Absolutely none.
Eh, eh, every bloody time.
Well well well, look who it is.
Oh, Jesus.
Can't believe your eyes.
Can you toast?
It's me Ray purchase.
You didn't know I was a member of this club did you?
Only club you should be a member of Purchase,
is a club for assholes.
I heard that new play you in is terrible.
What you mean?
Yeah, of course I'm in.
I've never forgotten you toast.
Oh no. I have never forgotten you.
Well, excuse me while I dry my hands.
Dry your hands eh?
Might not dry your eyes as well.
Hey, Steven. Ready for you now.
Do you want any water or anything?
I've got some here. Are we rolling?
Yup, in your own time.
Yes.
It's brilliant Steven.
Really, really brilliant, everyone very happy here.
Let's just get a few more, yeah?
Okay.
Yes.
Okay.
Hey, Steven, that was really good,
feeling is here that you could be a bit more positive
More positive?
Yeah. You know, really go for it.
You want me to go for it?
Yeah.
All right.
Yes.
It's good, very very good.
Let's just try it without the script.
Might just loosen you up a little bit.
Yeah. I mean it's what is it?
One word you don't really need it.
Do you?
I probably don't need the scripts. It's just a word.
Yeah. Okay. Let's do it again.
Yes.
Is that it?
Yes.
Right.
Hi Steven.
Yes.
This is Clem Fandango.
Okay.
Can you hear me?
Yes
Honestly, this is going so great, but I just
think there was a little loss of energy on that last take.
Maybe try one more.
Okay. Ready to go.
Yep.
What?
Yes.
Okay.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Jesus.
Steven.
What?
How would you feel about doing a no?
Are you crying?
Clem Fango I have to be on the stage at 7:30.
Honestly Steven, how long will it take to say a no.
[Singing with clicking]
[Singing continues]
And now we have a police identical drawing of a suspect
that police are very keen to talk to in connection
with a series of incidents of indecent exposure
across London and the Southeast,
the man originally known as the tooting flusher.
Do you recognise that face?
Do you have any information...
Ray Bloody Purchase.
[phone rings]
Bloody hell. Yes.
Toast I've just been watching crime scene.
Ed, look, I can't deal with this right now.
I don't think you should stay here at the flats anymore.
Look, Ed, it wasn't me. It was Rey Purchase.
It was a poor show Toast. Poor bloody show.
You've said Good House firmly back to square one.
Look, I'm on stage. I've gotta go.
How long does this protest go on?
Until the end of the show.
Good. This is disgusting.
[theme music]