1
00:00:00,803 --> 00:00:03,083
[ominous music]

2
00:00:04,643 --> 00:00:06,603
I thought you said
you were a beekeeper.

3
00:00:06,763 --> 00:00:08,563
No. A beak keeper.

4
00:00:08,723 --> 00:00:10,643
I keep beaks.

5
00:00:10,803 --> 00:00:12,283
That's an impressive collection.

6
00:00:12,443 --> 00:00:12,883
Look, I didn't ask
you back to my flat

7
00:00:13,043 --> 00:00:14,963
to look at my beaks.

8
00:00:15,123 --> 00:00:16,403
Of course you didn't.

9
00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:21,643
You don't mind if I keep
my sports vest on, do you?

10
00:00:21,803 --> 00:00:22,563
Fine.

11
00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:26,923
What's that thing on your leg?

12
00:00:27,083 --> 00:00:27,843
Oh, nothing.

13
00:00:31,283 --> 00:00:32,923
Won't it get in the
way? What is it exactly?

14
00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:34,723
It's an electronic tag.

15
00:00:34,883 --> 00:00:35,763
An electronic tag?

16
00:00:35,923 --> 00:00:37,403
Yeah, it's nothing.

17
00:00:37,563 --> 00:00:39,003
I got into a little
scrape with the police

18
00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:40,723
and now I have to wear an
electronic tag on my leg.

19
00:00:40,883 --> 00:00:41,563
It's no big deal.

20
00:00:43,483 --> 00:00:45,403
An electronic tag. Aren't they
for thieves and murderers?

21
00:00:45,563 --> 00:00:46,443
You've not murdered
anyone, have you?

22
00:00:46,603 --> 00:00:48,283
Not yet.

23
00:00:48,443 --> 00:00:50,003
[Jemima laughing]

24
00:00:50,163 --> 00:00:51,403
What do you mean, "Not yet"?

25
00:00:51,563 --> 00:00:52,883
Because he's in a coma.

26
00:00:53,043 --> 00:00:54,523
It could go either way.

27
00:00:54,683 --> 00:00:56,683
Look, there was a
very minor altercation

28
00:00:56,843 --> 00:00:58,403
and someone got stabbed.

29
00:00:58,563 --> 00:01:00,603
I didn't even think it was
worth calling the police.

30
00:01:00,763 --> 00:01:01,563
Who got stabbed?

31
00:01:01,723 --> 00:01:02,523
My boyfriend.

32
00:01:02,683 --> 00:01:03,483
It's fine.

33
00:01:05,403 --> 00:01:07,243
That dark stain on your rug,

34
00:01:07,403 --> 00:01:08,443
is that connected
with the stabbing?

35
00:01:08,603 --> 00:01:10,403
Yes, it's a blood stain.

36
00:01:10,563 --> 00:01:12,123
Why are you so
interested in this?

37
00:01:12,283 --> 00:01:13,523
I've just realised,

38
00:01:13,683 --> 00:01:15,323
I have to be up really
early in the morning

39
00:01:15,483 --> 00:01:17,443
for a dentist appointment.

40
00:01:17,603 --> 00:01:18,443
I should be going.

41
00:01:19,483 --> 00:01:20,203
Really?

42
00:01:20,363 --> 00:01:21,323
Yes.

43
00:01:21,483 --> 00:01:22,643
I hope you're not put off

44
00:01:22,803 --> 00:01:24,083
by the fact that I
stabbed my boyfriend.

45
00:01:24,243 --> 00:01:25,683
Ex-boyfriend, surely?

46
00:01:25,843 --> 00:01:26,563
Well, that's a discussion
we'll have to have

47
00:01:26,723 --> 00:01:27,683
when he wakes up.

48
00:01:27,843 --> 00:01:29,403
That's if he ever does.

49
00:01:29,563 --> 00:01:30,803
I see it as us sort of
having a bit of a break

50
00:01:30,963 --> 00:01:32,403
from each other.

51
00:01:32,563 --> 00:01:34,843
That's why I think it's
okay for me to see you.

52
00:01:35,003 --> 00:01:36,043
You're pissed off
with me, aren't you?

53
00:01:36,203 --> 00:01:37,923
No, no.

54
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:39,643
I know what you're thinking.

55
00:01:39,803 --> 00:01:41,603
"There's another
boyfriend on the scene,

56
00:01:41,763 --> 00:01:44,203
he still fancies her, maybe
she still fancies him.

57
00:01:44,363 --> 00:01:45,283
Where do I fit into all of this?

58
00:01:45,443 --> 00:01:46,923
because I really fancy her too."

59
00:01:48,003 --> 00:01:49,803
But don't worry,

60
00:01:49,963 --> 00:01:52,043
because I know that Colin would
be cool about me seeing you.

61
00:01:52,203 --> 00:01:54,043
Anyway, if he's not, fuck him.

62
00:01:55,643 --> 00:01:57,563
I think we should take
a break from each other.

63
00:01:57,723 --> 00:01:58,843
But I only met you tonight.

64
00:01:59,003 --> 00:02:00,323
Really?

65
00:02:00,483 --> 00:02:01,763
I'm already on a
break from Colin.

66
00:02:01,923 --> 00:02:03,203
I can't take a break
from you as well.

67
00:02:03,363 --> 00:02:04,563
Maybe we could go for
a drink sometime soon.

68
00:02:04,723 --> 00:02:05,323
How would that be?

69
00:02:08,083 --> 00:02:09,243
You'd better fucking ring me.

70
00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:20,323
[door knocking]

71
00:02:22,043 --> 00:02:23,563
I've forgotten my trousers.

72
00:02:23,723 --> 00:02:26,843
[uplifting piano music]

73
00:02:50,723 --> 00:02:52,323
It's tremendous news.

74
00:02:52,483 --> 00:02:53,283
So when did you hear?

75
00:02:53,443 --> 00:02:54,723
Just this morning.

76
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,163
As soon as I got the
email, I rang you.

77
00:02:56,323 --> 00:02:59,323
Can you believe it?
You've won an award.

78
00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:01,403
After how many years in
the industry, 10, 15?

79
00:03:02,763 --> 00:03:04,203
28.

80
00:03:04,363 --> 00:03:08,403
Time to break open
the mini champagne.

81
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:11,523
Now listen, there's going
to be a very big ceremony

82
00:03:11,683 --> 00:03:13,083
and they're very, very keen

83
00:03:13,243 --> 00:03:15,683
that you accept the
award in person.

84
00:03:15,843 --> 00:03:17,083
This is great.
All very exciting.

85
00:03:17,243 --> 00:03:18,283
What is this magazine?

86
00:03:18,443 --> 00:03:20,843
Oh, it's called Braz with a Z.

87
00:03:21,003 --> 00:03:23,803
It specialises in
celebrity tidbits and such

88
00:03:23,963 --> 00:03:25,803
Braz? Sounds like a bongo mag.

89
00:03:25,963 --> 00:03:26,843
A what?

90
00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:28,123
A jazz mag. A porno.

91
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,003
Oh, spare me the
confused innocence, Jane.

92
00:03:32,163 --> 00:03:33,843
We're both far too
long in the tooth.

93
00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:36,363
It's a celebrity
magazine, Toast.

94
00:03:36,523 --> 00:03:37,803
It's read by more people

95
00:03:37,963 --> 00:03:39,603
than read your bingo
rag, I'll wager.

96
00:03:39,763 --> 00:03:41,683
So what have I won?
What's the award for?

97
00:03:41,843 --> 00:03:43,163
Best actor.

98
00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:47,843
Mm. Am I the best actor
in Britain or the world?

99
00:03:49,523 --> 00:03:51,683
I don't know if
they've specified.

100
00:03:51,843 --> 00:03:53,763
I'll assume it's the world.

101
00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:55,483
And what's the timeframe?

102
00:03:55,643 --> 00:03:57,043
Best actor of the year,
the century or of all time?

103
00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:58,763
Toast, you just be
glad you've won.

104
00:03:58,923 --> 00:04:01,363
Now, do you know Susan Random?

105
00:04:01,523 --> 00:04:02,203
Nope.

106
00:04:02,363 --> 00:04:03,923
She's a journalist.

107
00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:06,283
She's absolutely huge on
Twitter. 300,000 followers.

108
00:04:06,443 --> 00:04:08,643
Even Jesus didn't have
300,000 followers.

109
00:04:11,843 --> 00:04:12,723
Yeah, I think he did

110
00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:15,243
Not at the beginning. Hm?

111
00:04:15,403 --> 00:04:17,363
Anyway, she's very
keen to meet you.

112
00:04:17,523 --> 00:04:19,483
Big spread in The Telegraph
and she's paying for lunch,

113
00:04:19,643 --> 00:04:21,163
I absolutely made that clear.

114
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:25,003
This is all unusually good.

115
00:04:25,163 --> 00:04:26,803
I can't wait to
start telling people

116
00:04:26,963 --> 00:04:29,203
that I have won an award.

117
00:04:29,363 --> 00:04:30,963
Ah.

118
00:04:31,123 --> 00:04:32,763
Uh, Toast, I need to
inform you of something.

119
00:04:32,923 --> 00:04:35,763
Do you remember someone
called Kikini Bamalam?

120
00:04:35,923 --> 00:04:36,723
I know the name.

121
00:04:36,883 --> 00:04:37,523
Kikini Bamalam?

122
00:04:37,683 --> 00:04:38,323
Kikini Bamalam.

123
00:04:38,483 --> 00:04:39,123
Kikini Bamalam.

124
00:04:39,283 --> 00:04:40,563
Stop saying it.

125
00:04:40,723 --> 00:04:42,043
She's the daughter of
the Nigerian Ambassador.

126
00:04:42,203 --> 00:04:43,843
Terrific girl.

127
00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:45,363
Had a bit of a rough time
lately, so I've asked her

128
00:04:45,523 --> 00:04:46,763
if she'd like to come and
stay here for a while.

129
00:04:46,923 --> 00:04:48,443
Why?

130
00:04:48,603 --> 00:04:50,203
Well she's been recovering
from an operation.

131
00:04:50,363 --> 00:04:53,403
Unfortunately, she's
addicted to cosmetic surgery.

132
00:04:53,563 --> 00:04:55,643
It's pointless really, she's
always been very attractive.

133
00:04:55,803 --> 00:04:57,203
But after her last
rather painful op,

134
00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:59,563
she's ended up looking
very much like...

135
00:05:01,283 --> 00:05:02,523
It's most peculiar.

136
00:05:02,683 --> 00:05:03,923
Well who? Who does
she look like?

137
00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:05,643
Bruce Forsyth.

138
00:05:05,803 --> 00:05:07,123
Bruce Forsyth?

139
00:05:07,283 --> 00:05:09,603
Yes, it's quite an
uncanny likeness.

140
00:05:09,763 --> 00:05:11,923
They've done a radical
makeover of her entire body

141
00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:13,843
except for her left hand.

142
00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:15,483
The police arrived
before they got to that.

143
00:05:15,643 --> 00:05:16,523
What, so her hand is still...

144
00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:18,563
Yes.

145
00:05:18,723 --> 00:05:20,163
It's a sole reminder of her
quintessential African beauty.

146
00:05:21,803 --> 00:05:23,083
It's obviously rather
traumatic for Kikini,

147
00:05:23,243 --> 00:05:25,003
'cause she absolutely
hates Bruce Forsyth.

148
00:05:25,163 --> 00:05:27,403
Although I must say,
actually I'm a bit of a fan.

149
00:05:27,563 --> 00:05:29,563
Well, who isn't? All
round entertainer.

150
00:05:29,723 --> 00:05:31,563
-Yeah.
-So what are we talking here,

151
00:05:31,723 --> 00:05:34,563
Palladian Brucey, Generation
Game Brucey or Strictly Brucey?

152
00:05:34,723 --> 00:05:36,043
It's Generation Game Brucey.

153
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:37,563
Oh!

154
00:05:37,723 --> 00:05:39,683
Although resembling
Brucey from any era

155
00:05:39,843 --> 00:05:41,683
is bound to be traumatic for
an attractive African woman.

156
00:05:41,843 --> 00:05:43,563
Given

157
00:05:43,723 --> 00:05:46,203
This latest surgeon she went
to, a scrupulous character,

158
00:05:46,363 --> 00:05:48,643
goes by the name
of Beezus Fafoon,

159
00:05:48,803 --> 00:05:49,603
Beezus Fafoon?

160
00:05:49,763 --> 00:05:51,203
Beezus Fafoon.

161
00:05:51,363 --> 00:05:52,603
I haven't heard that
name in a while.

162
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:53,603
Really?

163
00:05:53,763 --> 00:05:54,963
Beezus Fafoon was a pseudonym,

164
00:05:55,123 --> 00:05:57,443
sometimes used by
a rival of mine.

165
00:05:57,603 --> 00:06:00,923
A total prat by the
name of Ray Purchase.

166
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:02,843
Ah, yes. Third rate
actor of Vulgarfarsis.

167
00:06:03,003 --> 00:06:04,723
That's the one.

168
00:06:04,883 --> 00:06:06,523
And I've been fucking his
wife on an ongoing basis.

169
00:06:06,683 --> 00:06:08,363
He's never got used to the idea.

170
00:06:08,523 --> 00:06:11,443
So he's branched into
cosmetic surgery then, has he?

171
00:06:11,603 --> 00:06:13,643
He's probably doing it
just to get back at me.

172
00:06:13,803 --> 00:06:16,843
He's always been very
jealous and a complete tool.

173
00:06:17,003 --> 00:06:18,523
I see.

174
00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:21,003
That'll be right. I can
just picture the scene.

175
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:24,203
So you want to look like her?

176
00:06:25,523 --> 00:06:26,683
No problem.

177
00:06:26,843 --> 00:06:28,603
So I'll just inject
you with this.

178
00:06:34,323 --> 00:06:36,803
[Ray laughing]

179
00:06:42,723 --> 00:06:45,563
So you think he set himself
up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon

180
00:06:45,723 --> 00:06:47,683
to operate on a friend
of a friend of yours,

181
00:06:47,843 --> 00:06:50,203
disfigure her and turn her
into a Bruce Forsyth lookalike

182
00:06:50,363 --> 00:06:52,003
just to piss you off?

183
00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:55,563
Yep. Thing is, I'm not
even that pissed off.

184
00:06:55,723 --> 00:06:58,443
[uplifting music]

185
00:07:02,443 --> 00:07:04,523
Excuse me, which
one of you ladies

186
00:07:04,683 --> 00:07:06,883
is here to meet Steven Toast?

187
00:07:07,043 --> 00:07:08,843
Steven. Hi.

188
00:07:09,923 --> 00:07:11,603
I'm Susan Random.

189
00:07:11,763 --> 00:07:12,923
I'm Steven Toast.

190
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:13,763
Do sit down.

191
00:07:13,923 --> 00:07:14,723
I intend to

192
00:07:16,283 --> 00:07:17,123
Thanks for agreeing
to the interview.

193
00:07:17,283 --> 00:07:18,283
Would you like a drink?

194
00:07:18,443 --> 00:07:19,043
Are you having one?

195
00:07:19,203 --> 00:07:20,283
I'm working.

196
00:07:20,443 --> 00:07:21,283
Of course.

197
00:07:21,443 --> 00:07:22,643
If you want one, it's fine.

198
00:07:22,803 --> 00:07:24,323
I hope you're not one
of these journalists

199
00:07:24,483 --> 00:07:27,163
who gets their subject sloshed
so they spill the beans,

200
00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:30,003
'cause that isn't gonna happen.

201
00:07:30,163 --> 00:07:32,723
[ominous music]

202
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:35,683
It seems odd that
this is an interview

203
00:07:35,843 --> 00:07:37,683
'cause it's just like
chatting to an old friend.

204
00:07:37,843 --> 00:07:39,123
I feel that too.

205
00:07:39,283 --> 00:07:41,683
I admit I was planning
a bit of a hatchet job.

206
00:07:41,843 --> 00:07:45,163
Sort of, "Stephen Toast
is a massive prick."

207
00:07:45,323 --> 00:07:49,923
But it just seems that we
have so much in common.

208
00:07:51,043 --> 00:07:52,243
I've got so much in common too.

209
00:07:57,483 --> 00:08:00,443
Listen, I have to do this
fucking play tonight.

210
00:08:00,603 --> 00:08:02,403
Maybe we can meet
tomorrow afternoon?

211
00:08:02,563 --> 00:08:03,883
We could go for a walk.

212
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:05,483
I live near the canal, so...

213
00:08:05,643 --> 00:08:08,003
A walk along the
canal, how delightful.

214
00:08:08,163 --> 00:08:10,603
Do you read poetry? The
best poetry is about canals.

215
00:08:10,763 --> 00:08:12,803
I love canal poetry.

216
00:08:12,963 --> 00:08:14,523
The only thing I don't
like about the word canal

217
00:08:14,683 --> 00:08:18,123
is if you remove the C,
it spells anal. [laughs]

218
00:08:25,083 --> 00:08:27,603
-[Susan laughing]
-Yes.

219
00:08:27,763 --> 00:08:30,323
[both laughing]

220
00:08:42,683 --> 00:08:44,243
Have to get a bus.

221
00:08:44,403 --> 00:08:45,083
Okay.

222
00:08:45,243 --> 00:08:45,923
See you tomorrow.

223
00:08:46,083 --> 00:08:46,803
See you tomorrow.

224
00:08:48,723 --> 00:08:51,243
[uplifting music]

225
00:08:53,963 --> 00:08:55,203
Hello.

226
00:08:55,363 --> 00:08:57,043
Jesus Christ! You scared
the shit outta me.

227
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,523
Who is she?

228
00:08:58,683 --> 00:09:00,003
She's just a journalist
doing a piece about me.

229
00:09:00,163 --> 00:09:01,083
I've gotta go.

230
00:09:01,243 --> 00:09:02,683
I- [ankle monitor beeping]

231
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,883
Oh, damn it! It's
my electronic tag.

232
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,483
I must be beyond
the 10 mile zone.

233
00:09:06,643 --> 00:09:07,923
Really?

234
00:09:08,083 --> 00:09:09,483
Yeah, this must be
the line right here.

235
00:09:09,643 --> 00:09:11,883
[ankle monitor beeping]

236
00:09:12,043 --> 00:09:13,723
Well, it's a great system.

237
00:09:13,883 --> 00:09:15,163
I hope you're gonna call me.

238
00:09:15,323 --> 00:09:16,843
Absolutely, as soon as
I have a spare moment.

239
00:09:17,003 --> 00:09:18,603
You'd better, Toast.

240
00:09:18,763 --> 00:09:21,323
[uplifting music]

241
00:09:25,323 --> 00:09:26,603
Thank you.

242
00:09:26,763 --> 00:09:28,123
Although I'm honoured
to receive this award,

243
00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:29,483
it's not a surprise.

244
00:09:29,643 --> 00:09:31,483
Pleased with your
award, are you, Toast?

245
00:09:31,643 --> 00:09:34,803
Yes. About bloody time
this industry recognise me.

246
00:09:34,963 --> 00:09:36,323
And to celebrate,

247
00:09:36,483 --> 00:09:38,203
I'm planning a romantic
walk along a canal.

248
00:09:38,363 --> 00:09:40,203
Oh, I fell into a canal once,

249
00:09:40,363 --> 00:09:41,963
when I was filming
that episode of Minder.

250
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,323
I was handcuffed to Diana Quick.

251
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:47,443
Well, I'll be accompanied by
the delightful Susan Random.

252
00:09:47,603 --> 00:09:48,883
Susan Random, the journalist?

253
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:50,523
I follow her on Twitter.

254
00:09:50,683 --> 00:09:52,003
I plan to follow her
myself but not on Twitter,

255
00:09:52,163 --> 00:09:53,083
just along a canal.

256
00:09:53,243 --> 00:09:54,483
Excellent.

257
00:09:54,643 --> 00:09:56,843
Why are you dressed as
the Man from Del Monte?

258
00:09:57,003 --> 00:09:58,483
It's for Kikini's
imminent arrival.

259
00:09:58,643 --> 00:09:59,683
I see.

260
00:09:59,843 --> 00:10:01,043
It's absolutely crucial, Toast,

261
00:10:01,203 --> 00:10:02,003
that we make as
little as possible

262
00:10:02,163 --> 00:10:03,283
of the Bruce Forsyth thing.

263
00:10:03,443 --> 00:10:03,923
-Of course.
-[doorbell ringing]

264
00:10:04,083 --> 00:10:05,763
That'll be her.

265
00:10:05,923 --> 00:10:09,003
Remember, the whole Brucey thing
is strictly off the agenda.

266
00:10:09,163 --> 00:10:09,763
Most important.

267
00:10:09,923 --> 00:10:10,923
All right, Ed.

268
00:10:12,483 --> 00:10:15,283
Ah, a canal poem
by Susan Random.

269
00:10:17,043 --> 00:10:19,443
"Dear Steven, my
favourite place for water

270
00:10:19,603 --> 00:10:21,563
is in a long canal.

271
00:10:21,723 --> 00:10:25,963
Although it can be dark and
wet, it never is benile."

272
00:10:26,123 --> 00:10:27,763
Susan, that's beautiful.

273
00:10:30,403 --> 00:10:32,523
Kikini, this is my flat
mate, Steven Toast.

274
00:10:32,683 --> 00:10:34,523
Nice to see you.
To see you, nice.

275
00:10:36,483 --> 00:10:38,083
Forgive that.

276
00:10:38,243 --> 00:10:39,843
Ed did tell me that to mention
any of your catchphrases,

277
00:10:40,003 --> 00:10:41,923
was strictly,
strictly, strictly,

278
00:10:42,083 --> 00:10:46,603
strictly, strictly, strictly,
strictly, strictly, strictly,

279
00:10:48,443 --> 00:10:51,283
strictly, strictly, strictly,
strictly, strictly...

280
00:10:54,563 --> 00:10:56,523
You don't look, actually,
anything like him.

281
00:10:56,683 --> 00:10:58,443
I might need a lie down.

282
00:10:58,603 --> 00:11:00,083
Yes, Kikini, you've
had a long journey.

283
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:01,083
Let me show you to your room.

284
00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:02,723
What, out this way again, is it?

285
00:11:06,523 --> 00:11:07,603
Oh shit.

286
00:11:07,763 --> 00:11:09,803
[uplifting music]

287
00:11:09,963 --> 00:11:11,523
It was as if I was in
some kind of trance

288
00:11:11,683 --> 00:11:14,483
but she does look the spitting
image of Bruce Forsyth.

289
00:11:14,643 --> 00:11:16,763
And apparently she hates it.

290
00:11:16,923 --> 00:11:19,403
I thought I'd hate
you before I met you.

291
00:11:19,563 --> 00:11:22,043
Everyone said to me, "Oh,
Steven Toast? What a cunt."

292
00:11:23,203 --> 00:11:25,563
But you're not.

293
00:11:25,723 --> 00:11:26,683
You're really not.

294
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,043
Just a moment.

295
00:11:36,683 --> 00:11:39,483
[water splashing]

296
00:11:39,643 --> 00:11:41,763
I'd often wondered how those
things ended up in canals.

297
00:11:41,923 --> 00:11:43,083
Yes.

298
00:11:43,243 --> 00:11:44,523
I'm the sort of person

299
00:11:44,683 --> 00:11:46,523
who dumps supermarket
trollies in canals.

300
00:11:46,683 --> 00:11:48,323
I want to know
everything about you.

301
00:11:48,483 --> 00:11:50,083
[both laughing]

302
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,963
[uplifting music]

303
00:11:55,203 --> 00:11:57,483
So what will you have to drink?

304
00:11:57,643 --> 00:12:00,083
I suppose there is
something I should tell you.

305
00:12:00,243 --> 00:12:01,603
I'm not embarrassed about it

306
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:05,563
but I have to let you
know I'm an alcoholic.

307
00:12:07,203 --> 00:12:08,803
Brilliant. I mean, no
one drinks these days.

308
00:12:08,963 --> 00:12:10,283
Let's get a bottle of whiskey.

309
00:12:10,443 --> 00:12:12,563
No, Toast. I'm a
recovering alcoholic.

310
00:12:12,723 --> 00:12:14,163
I can't drink, ever.

311
00:12:15,523 --> 00:12:17,283
It ruined my life.

312
00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:20,003
Well look, it doesn't matter.

313
00:12:20,163 --> 00:12:21,323
We'll get a bottle of whiskey

314
00:12:21,483 --> 00:12:22,243
and I'll drink
your half as well.

315
00:12:22,403 --> 00:12:23,923
[both laughing]

316
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:25,323
If I was still drinking,

317
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:26,883
I wouldn't just
drink half a bottle.

318
00:12:27,043 --> 00:12:28,923
Me too, I drink
the whole bottle.

319
00:12:29,083 --> 00:12:30,483
We have so much in common.

320
00:12:32,443 --> 00:12:35,163
So, apart from throwing
shopping trollies in canals,

321
00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:38,883
being an alcoholic, you
seem refreshingly normal.

322
00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:40,643
So what else should
I know about you?

323
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,483
I mean, these things
normally come in threes.

324
00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:44,603
Oh, that's all my skeletons
out the closet, Toast,

325
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:45,803
I promise.

326
00:12:45,963 --> 00:12:47,403
No more surprises.

327
00:12:47,563 --> 00:12:50,003
Listen, I have to do that
bloody awful play later

328
00:12:50,163 --> 00:12:51,523
but I'll be free afterwards.

329
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,563
Now I would invite
you around to mine

330
00:12:53,723 --> 00:12:56,563
but we have that female Bruce
Forsyth lookalike staying.

331
00:12:56,723 --> 00:12:57,563
So...

332
00:12:57,723 --> 00:12:59,403
So, is there any room at yours?

333
00:13:00,563 --> 00:13:02,763
Oh, you mean for sexy time?

334
00:13:02,923 --> 00:13:03,883
Well, I wouldn't-

335
00:13:04,043 --> 00:13:05,843
I like sexy time.

336
00:13:06,003 --> 00:13:08,043
Great, I can supply
my own sheaths.

337
00:13:08,203 --> 00:13:09,883
I do have one rule.

338
00:13:10,043 --> 00:13:12,643
I will not use extra safe
ones, they're too thick

339
00:13:12,803 --> 00:13:14,403
and I don't believe in
putting in the extra effort.

340
00:13:14,563 --> 00:13:15,203
Okay?

341
00:13:15,363 --> 00:13:16,003
All good my end.

342
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,363
Excellent.

343
00:13:17,523 --> 00:13:19,083
I'd love you to come
back, it's just,

344
00:13:19,243 --> 00:13:20,603
my house is a little untidy.

345
00:13:22,043 --> 00:13:24,363
Oh, sod it, I'll tidy up.

346
00:13:24,523 --> 00:13:27,083
Might need to spend a
bit of time on it though.

347
00:13:27,243 --> 00:13:29,003
You could come around
tomorrow night?

348
00:13:29,163 --> 00:13:30,923
I'm totally free. Excellent.

349
00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:34,323
I just need to pop to the loo.

350
00:13:36,643 --> 00:13:38,203
Ha-ha.

351
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:41,563
[ankle monitor beeping]

352
00:13:43,643 --> 00:13:45,043
Uh!

353
00:13:45,203 --> 00:13:46,203
Call you? Yes.

354
00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:48,643
For a drink? Yes.

355
00:13:48,803 --> 00:13:50,763
Yeah, I'll call you.

356
00:13:50,923 --> 00:13:52,243
[uplifting music]

357
00:13:52,403 --> 00:13:54,963
[toilet flushing]

358
00:13:55,123 --> 00:13:57,123
[Ed] Come back to bed, Kikini.

359
00:13:57,283 --> 00:13:59,163
Look, I think I'm
ready to go again.

360
00:14:01,803 --> 00:14:03,043
I was just making
myself a small sandwich,

361
00:14:03,203 --> 00:14:03,763
do you want one?

362
00:14:03,923 --> 00:14:04,923
Well...

363
00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:05,883
Yeah.

364
00:14:08,043 --> 00:14:09,203
I'm not gonna say goodnight,

365
00:14:09,363 --> 00:14:11,003
'cause if I attempt
to say anything,

366
00:14:11,163 --> 00:14:13,443
just gonna end up being one of
Bruce Forsyth's catchphrases.

367
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:16,403
Like, "I'm in charge." Or,
"Good game, good game."

368
00:14:16,563 --> 00:14:18,683
Or, "Give us a twirl."

369
00:14:18,843 --> 00:14:20,403
So I'll just say nothing.

370
00:14:20,563 --> 00:14:21,963
Oh, shit.

371
00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:25,563
[uplifting music]

372
00:14:25,723 --> 00:14:28,443
[knife scratching]

373
00:14:43,203 --> 00:14:45,203
I think I'll have a shower.

374
00:14:45,363 --> 00:14:46,163
Yes, of course.

375
00:14:54,523 --> 00:14:55,883
What the hell are
you playing at, Ed?

376
00:14:56,043 --> 00:14:57,763
I know, I'm not proud of myself.

377
00:14:57,923 --> 00:15:00,163
It's just, I've always
been a big fan of Bruce.

378
00:15:00,323 --> 00:15:02,083
She's not Bruce Forsyth.

379
00:15:02,243 --> 00:15:04,643
I'm acutely aware
of how it looks.

380
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:08,323
The thing is, it's really made
Kikini feel attractive again.

381
00:15:08,483 --> 00:15:09,763
What?

382
00:15:09,923 --> 00:15:10,683
I'm just trying to
shift focus away

383
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,203
from her looking like Brucey.

384
00:15:12,363 --> 00:15:14,203
In fact, I think
she may be beginning

385
00:15:14,363 --> 00:15:15,683
to quite like the idea.

386
00:15:15,843 --> 00:15:17,043
For fuck's sake.

387
00:15:19,603 --> 00:15:21,963
So how are you getting
on with Susan Random?

388
00:15:22,123 --> 00:15:23,723
Good.

389
00:15:23,883 --> 00:15:26,403
I'm seeing her again tonight.
Going back to her place.

390
00:15:26,563 --> 00:15:27,203
Really?

391
00:15:27,363 --> 00:15:28,283
Oh yes.

392
00:15:28,443 --> 00:15:30,803
[ominous music]

393
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,083
Here we are.

394
00:15:35,763 --> 00:15:36,443
[Toast] Good, God

395
00:15:40,563 --> 00:15:41,163
Follow me.

396
00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:46,283
Right behind you.

397
00:15:46,443 --> 00:15:48,163
Not as young as I was.

398
00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:54,723
I guess that these things
normally come in threes.

399
00:15:54,883 --> 00:15:56,403
What do you mean?

400
00:15:56,563 --> 00:15:58,923
Well, you appear to be one
of those extreme hoarders

401
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:01,123
I've seen those TV
programmes about.

402
00:16:01,283 --> 00:16:03,483
It's just a little untidy.

403
00:16:03,643 --> 00:16:05,523
Honestly, you should have
seen what it was like before.

404
00:16:05,683 --> 00:16:06,523
Oh!

405
00:16:06,683 --> 00:16:07,763
What's wrong?

406
00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:08,883
I think I'm stuck.

407
00:16:12,083 --> 00:16:14,563
I'm just going to change

408
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:19,243
into something a little more
comfortable, if that's okay?

409
00:16:21,123 --> 00:16:22,243
Yes.

410
00:16:26,723 --> 00:16:27,923
Don't go away.

411
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:30,803
Not much chance of that.

412
00:16:32,443 --> 00:16:35,443
This may take a little while.

413
00:16:38,683 --> 00:16:41,203
[uplifting music]

414
00:16:48,803 --> 00:16:51,123
Ooh, yeah. That's...

415
00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:53,683
I see you're wearing
a sports vest.

416
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,723
I would've thought you'd
have got in by now.

417
00:16:58,883 --> 00:17:01,483
If I could, I would.

418
00:17:01,643 --> 00:17:03,483
You're definitely stuck?

419
00:17:03,643 --> 00:17:05,323
I should get help.

420
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,723
Where did I put my phone?

421
00:17:07,883 --> 00:17:09,243
Oh no, no. No, no.

422
00:17:11,523 --> 00:17:15,123
[ankle monitor beeping]

423
00:17:15,283 --> 00:17:16,843
Ah!

424
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:19,163
I thought you said you
were going to ring me.

425
00:17:19,323 --> 00:17:20,883
I think it may be here.

426
00:17:24,723 --> 00:17:26,483
Are you sleeping
with this woman?

427
00:17:26,643 --> 00:17:28,323
Who is this person, Toast?

428
00:17:28,483 --> 00:17:29,683
Her name's Jemima. I'm sorry
I don't know your full name.

429
00:17:29,843 --> 00:17:30,643
Jemima Gina.

430
00:17:30,803 --> 00:17:31,883
Meet Susan Random.

431
00:17:32,043 --> 00:17:33,243
Who is she?

432
00:17:33,403 --> 00:17:34,883
She's no one. We went
out for one night.

433
00:17:35,043 --> 00:17:36,363
It's a bit more than that.

434
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:37,443
It was a pretty
serious relationship.

435
00:17:37,603 --> 00:17:38,883
We were practically engaged.

436
00:17:39,043 --> 00:17:40,563
What the fuck are
you talking about?

437
00:17:40,723 --> 00:17:42,003
Is this true, Toast?

438
00:17:42,163 --> 00:17:44,043
Of course not. She's
a dangerous criminal.

439
00:17:44,203 --> 00:17:45,443
No, I'm not.

440
00:17:45,603 --> 00:17:46,683
Anyway, there's
gonna be a retrial.

441
00:17:46,843 --> 00:17:47,523
I'll get off.

442
00:17:47,683 --> 00:17:48,483
Retrial for what?

443
00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:49,683
Murder.

444
00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:51,563
Attempted murder, thank you.

445
00:17:51,723 --> 00:17:53,723
I don't know what to say, Toast.

446
00:17:53,883 --> 00:17:56,363
I thought we had
so much in common.

447
00:17:56,523 --> 00:17:57,763
I can't believe
you're cheating on me.

448
00:17:57,923 --> 00:17:59,443
You need to shut your mouth.

449
00:18:01,083 --> 00:18:02,203
So how are we gonna
resolve this anyway?

450
00:18:02,363 --> 00:18:04,043
I'm very fucking
angry about this.

451
00:18:07,923 --> 00:18:08,803
You keep beaks too?

452
00:18:09,883 --> 00:18:11,083
[police siren blaring]

453
00:18:11,243 --> 00:18:13,523
Yes. I've got about
20 boxes of them.

454
00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:14,843
I adore beaks.

455
00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:17,963
I really do.

456
00:18:18,123 --> 00:18:19,003
I frame mine. I've
got them on the wall.

457
00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:21,243
I must have several hundred.

458
00:18:21,403 --> 00:18:23,403
I just find them so
fascinating, so fragile.

459
00:18:23,563 --> 00:18:25,083
Noble.

460
00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:25,683
I love what you've
done to the place.

461
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:26,963
Oh, you're so sweet.

462
00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:29,763
[both giggling]

463
00:18:32,283 --> 00:18:36,323
♪ In the end they will
always cheat on me ♪

464
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:40,843
♪ He's the same but he's
somehow wriggled free ♪

465
00:18:41,003 --> 00:18:45,243
♪ I had high hopes, I
really thought we'd work ♪

466
00:18:45,403 --> 00:18:49,963
♪ I'd found peace, now you've
sent my world berserk ♪

467
00:18:50,123 --> 00:18:54,443
♪ You are mad and you'll
get what comes to you ♪

468
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:58,643
♪ That sounds harsh but it
pays to tell the truth ♪

469
00:18:58,803 --> 00:19:03,443
♪ I did my best, I like
you, can't you see ♪

470
00:19:03,603 --> 00:19:07,883
♪ Now my world's started
closing in on me ♪

471
00:19:08,043 --> 00:19:12,443
♪ Now my world's started
closing in on me ♪

472
00:19:12,603 --> 00:19:17,043
♪ Now my world's started
closing in on me ♪

473
00:19:29,123 --> 00:19:30,523
You know the rules, Jemima.

474
00:19:30,683 --> 00:19:32,923
Give me a ring, yeah? Yeah?!

475
00:19:34,323 --> 00:19:37,083
[window knocking]

476
00:19:41,523 --> 00:19:43,923
We could go to a hotel.

477
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,163
Oh, I don't think so, Toast.

478
00:19:47,323 --> 00:19:49,363
It's four o'clock in the
morning. You should go home.

479
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:50,803
Really?

480
00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:53,683
Look, we should take a
break from each other.

481
00:19:53,843 --> 00:19:55,363
We've only known
each other two days.

482
00:19:55,523 --> 00:19:59,203
To be honest, Toast, I
think you're a little weird.

483
00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:01,483
I'm weird?

484
00:20:03,003 --> 00:20:04,523
You're an alcoholic,
extreme hoarder,

485
00:20:04,683 --> 00:20:06,803
supermarket trolley
in the canal dumper.

486
00:20:06,963 --> 00:20:10,723
However, very attractive.

487
00:20:10,883 --> 00:20:13,403
[sombre music]

488
00:20:19,643 --> 00:20:22,203
[phone ringing]

489
00:20:23,563 --> 00:20:25,243
Toast.

490
00:20:25,403 --> 00:20:27,283
Sorry, Toast, to ring you at
four o'clock in the morning,

491
00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:30,163
but the award ceremony
is on tonight.

492
00:20:30,323 --> 00:20:31,523
You are going, aren't you?

493
00:20:31,683 --> 00:20:33,083
They're very keen
that you appear.

494
00:20:33,243 --> 00:20:35,323
Yeah, I need cheering up.

495
00:20:35,483 --> 00:20:37,323
Good. There's just
one little thing.

496
00:20:37,483 --> 00:20:39,243
What?

497
00:20:39,403 --> 00:20:41,483
Well, you know I said you'd
won the award for best actor?

498
00:20:41,643 --> 00:20:42,923
Yeah.

499
00:20:43,083 --> 00:20:45,083
Well it's actually
for worst actor.

500
00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:46,083
Sorry?

501
00:20:46,243 --> 00:20:48,123
It's actually for worst actor.

502
00:20:48,283 --> 00:20:52,563
It's a kind of cheeky award
they give out every year.

503
00:20:52,723 --> 00:20:54,843
I think the finer details must
have been on the attachment

504
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,803
and I don't normally
read attachments.

505
00:20:56,963 --> 00:20:58,563
Well you listen to me,
there's been a change of plan.

506
00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:00,643
I'm not fucking going
to the award ceremony.

507
00:21:00,803 --> 00:21:02,163
And if this wasn't
a mobile phone,

508
00:21:02,323 --> 00:21:03,563
I'd be hanging up
on you right now.

509
00:21:04,683 --> 00:21:06,763
Hello? [chuckles]

510
00:21:08,683 --> 00:21:11,123
So everyone enjoying
themselves tonight?

511
00:21:11,283 --> 00:21:12,563
God, who's this prick?

512
00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:16,763
All right, and now it's time
to present the award for

513
00:21:17,883 --> 00:21:19,763
worst actor.

514
00:21:19,923 --> 00:21:21,163
And the winner is...

515
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:23,203
Oh, very well deserved, mate.

516
00:21:23,363 --> 00:21:25,363
Steven Toast.

517
00:21:25,523 --> 00:21:27,163
-[audience booing]
-[Toast mimicking laughter]

518
00:21:27,323 --> 00:21:28,123
All right, all right.

519
00:21:28,283 --> 00:21:29,083
All right, now unfortunately,

520
00:21:29,243 --> 00:21:30,963
Steven can't be with us tonight

521
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:34,963
but he has sent a major
celebrity to collect the award.

522
00:21:35,123 --> 00:21:36,723
Please welcome Bruce Forsyth.

523
00:21:36,883 --> 00:21:40,523
[audience applauding]

524
00:21:40,683 --> 00:21:42,483
There we go. Thank you, Simon.

525
00:21:42,643 --> 00:21:43,163
Thank you.

526
00:21:44,643 --> 00:21:46,243
Ah, yes.

527
00:21:46,403 --> 00:21:48,003
Now, very sadly, Steven can't
be with us this evening,

528
00:21:48,163 --> 00:21:50,363
but I am so pleased

529
00:21:50,523 --> 00:21:53,603
to accept this wonderful
award on his behalf.

530
00:21:53,763 --> 00:21:55,923
[audience applauding]

531
00:21:56,083 --> 00:21:57,403
That is very good of you

532
00:21:57,563 --> 00:21:59,363
to send Kikini to
the awards, Toast.

533
00:21:59,523 --> 00:22:03,123
She looks like she's
having a tremendous time.

534
00:22:04,643 --> 00:22:06,683
Lets have a toast, Toast.

535
00:22:06,843 --> 00:22:08,283
Although, I'm not sure we're
supposed to be celebrating.

536
00:22:08,443 --> 00:22:10,963
-Who cares?
-[glasses clink]

537
00:22:11,123 --> 00:22:12,443
Oh, bless you.

538
00:22:12,603 --> 00:22:13,763
Didn't she do well?

539
00:22:13,923 --> 00:22:16,603
[both laughing]

540
00:22:16,763 --> 00:22:19,883
[uplifting piano music]