1 00:00:00,843 --> 00:00:03,376 [upbeat music plays] 2 00:00:28,310 --> 00:00:30,443 Ah, your play has got a mention in the paper. 3 00:00:30,576 --> 00:00:32,176 There's a photo of you as well. 4 00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:33,876 And some protestors outside the theatre. 5 00:00:34,010 --> 00:00:35,410 It's not a review, is it? 6 00:00:35,543 --> 00:00:38,810 It says stereotypical offensive caricatures predominate 7 00:00:38,943 --> 00:00:41,510 in this cack-handed abysmal travesty. 8 00:00:41,643 --> 00:00:44,043 One has to try very hard indeed to recall a worse play 9 00:00:44,176 --> 00:00:45,343 on the London stage. 10 00:00:45,476 --> 00:00:47,110 Actually, Ed, please don't continue. 11 00:00:47,243 --> 00:00:48,743 I don't think my guts could confront it. 12 00:00:48,876 --> 00:00:50,710 Oh I've had much worse reviews than this. 13 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,476 At least you're through the opening night. 14 00:00:52,610 --> 00:00:54,376 Oh, they can be nerve wracking. 15 00:00:54,510 --> 00:00:56,010 I once tried to kill myself before the opening 16 00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:58,443 of a very poor production of Coriolanus. 17 00:00:58,576 --> 00:01:00,376 Took a massive cocktail of painkillers, 18 00:01:00,510 --> 00:01:02,243 but the adrenaline just neutralised them. 19 00:01:02,376 --> 00:01:03,743 If you had have killed yourself your career 20 00:01:03,876 --> 00:01:05,110 would've been radically different. 21 00:01:05,176 --> 00:01:06,643 How so? 22 00:01:06,776 --> 00:01:07,910 Well, you wouldn't receive your royalty checks 23 00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:09,476 on those old dramas they play on ITV three. 24 00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:11,143 Ah, yeah. 25 00:01:11,276 --> 00:01:12,876 And you'd be dead. 26 00:01:13,010 --> 00:01:14,143 I gotta get off. 27 00:01:14,276 --> 00:01:16,110 I'm rehearsing a new play. 28 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,143 Ah, one job not enough for you, huh? 29 00:01:18,276 --> 00:01:19,143 Good luck. 30 00:01:19,276 --> 00:01:20,343 Quick cooking tip for you Ed. 31 00:01:20,476 --> 00:01:21,576 Uh huh. 32 00:01:21,710 --> 00:01:23,710 When following a recipe, always put twice 33 00:01:23,843 --> 00:01:25,210 the ingredients specified. 34 00:01:25,343 --> 00:01:27,310 If it says two carrots put in four, 35 00:01:27,443 --> 00:01:29,210 one onion, put in two, 36 00:01:29,343 --> 00:01:32,543 half a pound of mushrooms, put in the full pound. 37 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,776 Wouldn't you then just get a very big meal? 38 00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:49,110 Sorry I'm late, having a shitbag of a day. 39 00:01:51,276 --> 00:01:52,276 Oh, you're joking. 40 00:01:53,443 --> 00:01:55,110 Ray Purchase. 41 00:01:55,243 --> 00:01:58,110 Well, well, well. 42 00:01:58,210 --> 00:01:59,943 Look who it is. 43 00:02:00,143 --> 00:02:03,776 Steven "hide your missus 'cause I'll fuck anything" Toast. 44 00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,476 Get over it Purchase. 45 00:02:05,610 --> 00:02:09,610 You two should leave any conflict outside the door. 46 00:02:11,176 --> 00:02:12,310 Now join the circle. 47 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,943 Let's begin by telling each other who we are, 48 00:02:16,110 --> 00:02:18,310 the name of our character and 49 00:02:18,443 --> 00:02:21,176 something interesting about us. Kika. 50 00:02:21,310 --> 00:02:24,376 My name is Kika Bright, I'll be playing part of Stella. 51 00:02:24,510 --> 00:02:27,576 And last year I performed Shakespeare in Central Park 52 00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:28,843 with Scarlett Johansson. 53 00:02:30,176 --> 00:02:33,943 Very, very, swish. Ray? 54 00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:36,010 My name is Ray Purchase 55 00:02:36,143 --> 00:02:38,610 and I will be playing the part of the magistrate. 56 00:02:38,743 --> 00:02:40,543 Something interesting about you. 57 00:02:40,676 --> 00:02:42,110 [Toast laughs] 58 00:02:42,176 --> 00:02:44,576 Well, Toast regularly fucks my wife. 59 00:02:44,710 --> 00:02:45,776 Oh God. 60 00:02:45,910 --> 00:02:48,143 Can we not mention that again? 61 00:02:49,610 --> 00:02:53,676 Anyway, I'm Acker Herron, your director. 62 00:02:53,810 --> 00:02:55,910 I've just returned from North Africa, 63 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:59,110 where I directed a local cast production of Hamlet. 64 00:02:59,243 --> 00:03:01,810 Now that is, swish. 65 00:03:01,943 --> 00:03:04,410 [laughter] 66 00:03:04,543 --> 00:03:06,010 Were the sets made of sand? 67 00:03:06,143 --> 00:03:08,876 [Toast laughs] 68 00:03:09,010 --> 00:03:10,443 Such a prick. 69 00:03:10,576 --> 00:03:11,976 Your turn. 70 00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:13,676 Steven Toast. And I'm playing Geoff. 71 00:03:13,810 --> 00:03:16,010 Something interesting about yourself, Steven. 72 00:03:18,543 --> 00:03:21,510 Oh yeah. I can roll my eyes into the back of my head. 73 00:03:25,110 --> 00:03:28,743 Useful for drama and comedy, I should think. 74 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,710 Now before we open the text, I'd like us to loosen 75 00:03:32,843 --> 00:03:35,876 up and focus using something called a chaka, 76 00:03:36,010 --> 00:03:38,543 which is a warm up I learned in Africa. 77 00:03:38,676 --> 00:03:39,476 Great. 78 00:03:43,743 --> 00:03:46,676 Ooga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga, 79 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:50,243 ooga chaka ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga 80 00:03:50,376 --> 00:03:53,410 ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka, 81 00:03:54,643 --> 00:03:56,510 ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka. 82 00:03:56,643 --> 00:03:58,143 I'm sorry you've gotta be fucking kidding. 83 00:03:58,276 --> 00:03:59,110 Okay! 84 00:04:00,543 --> 00:04:03,610 If you wanna shit on me, I'll shit on you, 85 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,610 but you better be wearing a fucking helmet. 86 00:04:12,743 --> 00:04:16,010 It was like the special Olympics, but, 87 00:04:16,143 --> 00:04:18,910 the special Olympics for arse holes. 88 00:04:19,110 --> 00:04:20,243 [Jane laughs] 89 00:04:20,376 --> 00:04:22,776 Yes. All right, bye. Bye. Bye. 90 00:04:23,676 --> 00:04:25,243 And as I was saying, 91 00:04:25,376 --> 00:04:27,810 the last person I wanted to see there was Ray Purchase. 92 00:04:27,943 --> 00:04:29,876 And that director is fucking crackers. 93 00:04:30,010 --> 00:04:31,376 Acker is very highly strung, 94 00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:34,243 but, he inspires fierce loyalty. 95 00:04:34,376 --> 00:04:35,876 Even when he killed one of his actors, 96 00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:37,810 the rest of the cast remained devoted to him. 97 00:04:37,943 --> 00:04:39,210 I'm not saying he lacks charisma. 98 00:04:39,343 --> 00:04:40,610 He's passionate. 99 00:04:40,743 --> 00:04:42,310 Sorry. Did you say he killed an actor? 100 00:04:42,443 --> 00:04:44,610 Yes, on some Pinter play about 10 years ago, 101 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,210 he killed an actor. 102 00:04:46,343 --> 00:04:49,210 Christ! And even Pinter wouldn't do that. 103 00:04:49,343 --> 00:04:52,210 The actor, can't remember his name, 104 00:04:52,343 --> 00:04:53,576 wasn't much cop from what I can remember, 105 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,643 anyway, he wouldn't do what Acker wanted. 106 00:04:55,776 --> 00:04:58,443 So Acker stabbed him, actor died 107 00:04:58,576 --> 00:05:00,776 but Acker got away with manslaughter. 108 00:05:00,910 --> 00:05:02,343 Good grief. 109 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:05,143 The judge had seen his Trojan Women at the National, 110 00:05:05,276 --> 00:05:07,110 was a huge fan, so he got off. 111 00:05:07,243 --> 00:05:08,810 You know what? I'm not sure I should be working 112 00:05:08,943 --> 00:05:10,576 with a director that murders actors. 113 00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:13,310 Well, might undo the damage of you being in that play. 114 00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:15,343 Everyone hates that play. 115 00:05:15,476 --> 00:05:17,110 Feels worse than being a paedophile. 116 00:05:17,210 --> 00:05:18,543 Really, Toast. 117 00:05:18,676 --> 00:05:21,376 What a thing to say. In the current climate. 118 00:05:21,510 --> 00:05:23,410 Well, you put me in that bloody play, Jane. 119 00:05:23,543 --> 00:05:24,243 I didn't want to do it. 120 00:05:24,376 --> 00:05:25,643 [phone rings] 121 00:05:25,776 --> 00:05:29,243 Jane Plough. Spelt P L O U G H, pronounced Pluff. 122 00:05:29,376 --> 00:05:31,110 [Toast laughs] 123 00:05:31,176 --> 00:05:33,243 He's very much a family man. 124 00:05:33,376 --> 00:05:34,543 Who? 125 00:05:34,676 --> 00:05:36,676 But the seventies was ages ago. 126 00:05:36,810 --> 00:05:37,910 He probably doesn't remem- 127 00:05:38,110 --> 00:05:38,943 Who? 128 00:05:39,110 --> 00:05:40,443 Just one moment please. 129 00:05:40,576 --> 00:05:41,976 Scotland Yard are investigating another client. 130 00:05:42,110 --> 00:05:43,576 Could you just slink off? 131 00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:48,376 Ah, hello? Yes. I saw your advert 132 00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:52,310 on the computer and I quite like a blonde. 133 00:05:53,976 --> 00:05:56,110 Yes. Yes. Blonde is my favourite colour. 134 00:05:57,710 --> 00:05:59,210 So we could meet tomorrow 135 00:05:59,343 --> 00:06:02,443 at 4:00 PM at the Bayberry hotel, South Kensington. 136 00:06:03,576 --> 00:06:05,543 I'm a travelling salesman. 137 00:06:05,676 --> 00:06:07,643 Look. How much will it cost? 138 00:06:09,110 --> 00:06:10,543 No, I'm not VAT registered. 139 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,576 Okay, my name is Royce Coolidge. 140 00:06:15,910 --> 00:06:17,810 And her name is Lorry? 141 00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:20,710 What? L-O-R-R-Y- no. 142 00:06:20,843 --> 00:06:23,110 L-O-R-I. 143 00:06:23,243 --> 00:06:26,110 I see. No, I don't have a loyalty card. 144 00:06:27,143 --> 00:06:27,943 Thanking you. 145 00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:32,410 Oh, 400 pounds. 146 00:06:36,943 --> 00:06:37,776 Pretty good. 147 00:06:38,610 --> 00:06:39,443 Steven? 148 00:06:40,376 --> 00:06:41,543 Greta! 149 00:06:41,676 --> 00:06:42,910 I didn't recognise you with that. 150 00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:45,143 I fell out of a tree. You're gorgeous. 151 00:06:45,276 --> 00:06:46,110 I mean, you look gorgeous. 152 00:06:46,243 --> 00:06:46,910 How's Ellen? 153 00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:47,876 Who? 154 00:06:48,010 --> 00:06:49,443 Your wife? 155 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,576 My soon to be ex-wife actually, I'm a gay divorcee. 156 00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:53,610 I'm not gay. 157 00:06:53,743 --> 00:06:54,943 Are you still acting? 158 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:56,276 Nah, not as much. 159 00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:57,976 Oh that's a shame. You were quite good. 160 00:06:58,110 --> 00:07:00,676 How's fuck face. What's his name? Gary? 161 00:07:00,810 --> 00:07:02,210 Yeah. We're divorced too. 162 00:07:02,343 --> 00:07:03,876 I'm going to my club for a cocktail. 163 00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:05,110 Do you fancy joining me? 164 00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:06,743 Um. 165 00:07:06,876 --> 00:07:07,676 Oh, come on. 166 00:07:09,476 --> 00:07:10,143 Okay, all right. 167 00:07:10,276 --> 00:07:11,110 Yes. 168 00:07:13,443 --> 00:07:15,443 So you're a TV producer now. 169 00:07:15,576 --> 00:07:17,310 What are you working on these days? 170 00:07:17,443 --> 00:07:19,143 Documentary, six part thing. 171 00:07:19,276 --> 00:07:20,776 It's called London Lives. 172 00:07:20,910 --> 00:07:23,110 It's kind of about the dark underbelly of the capital. 173 00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:25,510 Sounds good. 174 00:07:25,643 --> 00:07:27,943 Yeah, but it's just a job, you know? 175 00:07:28,110 --> 00:07:29,976 I prefer getting my kicks in other ways. 176 00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:30,810 [Toast laughs] 177 00:07:30,943 --> 00:07:32,543 I remember. 178 00:07:32,676 --> 00:07:36,410 I like trying new things. I'm an excitement junkie. 179 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:39,776 Me too. Should we meet up again next week? 180 00:07:39,910 --> 00:07:42,176 Yeah. Why don't I just give you my card? 181 00:07:44,010 --> 00:07:45,676 Should we say Friday, provisionally? 182 00:07:45,810 --> 00:07:47,110 Yes. 183 00:07:47,210 --> 00:07:48,876 So why don't you ring me and we'll hook up. 184 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:49,810 Yes. 185 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,410 I think Steven should lead the chaka. 186 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:56,310 Oh fuck. 187 00:08:00,710 --> 00:08:03,243 Ooga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga, 188 00:08:03,376 --> 00:08:06,276 ooga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka ooga ooga, 189 00:08:06,410 --> 00:08:09,110 oga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka- 190 00:08:10,476 --> 00:08:11,643 Excuse me, please! 191 00:08:14,476 --> 00:08:15,343 [door slams] 192 00:08:15,476 --> 00:08:17,343 What the hell is up with him? 193 00:08:17,476 --> 00:08:19,243 You know, he murdered an actor. 194 00:08:20,176 --> 00:08:20,910 [ominous drum noise] 195 00:08:21,110 --> 00:08:22,643 What? 196 00:08:22,776 --> 00:08:23,410 I'd keep your stupid mouth shut about that, Toast. 197 00:08:23,543 --> 00:08:24,543 But he was murdered. 198 00:08:24,676 --> 00:08:25,976 It was manslaughter. 199 00:08:26,110 --> 00:08:28,110 A second rate actor gets killed by the director. 200 00:08:28,210 --> 00:08:29,710 No big deal, happens every day. 201 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:30,976 Does it? 202 00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:32,143 I really wouldn't mention it again, Toast. 203 00:08:32,276 --> 00:08:32,943 Steven. 204 00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:33,810 Oh g- 205 00:08:33,943 --> 00:08:34,743 Quick word. 206 00:08:36,376 --> 00:08:37,176 You're fine. 207 00:08:39,676 --> 00:08:41,676 You're trying to undermine me. Why? 208 00:08:41,810 --> 00:08:43,310 What? 209 00:08:43,443 --> 00:08:45,576 I expect total loyalty from my actors at all times. 210 00:08:45,710 --> 00:08:47,843 I feel for any project to work, 211 00:08:47,976 --> 00:08:51,943 I need to have them just where I want them, by the balls. 212 00:08:52,110 --> 00:08:53,543 By the balls, eh? 213 00:08:53,676 --> 00:08:56,976 Quick question. Have you ever had anybody by the balls? 214 00:08:57,110 --> 00:08:57,843 Literally? 215 00:08:57,976 --> 00:08:59,443 Yes. I mean literally 216 00:08:59,576 --> 00:09:03,010 to feel another man's cajones lying in the palm 217 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,843 of one's hand, ever had that experience Steven? 218 00:09:05,976 --> 00:09:07,976 I can't say I have. You? 219 00:09:08,110 --> 00:09:11,610 Yes, I have. With Benedict Cumberbatch. 220 00:09:11,743 --> 00:09:12,876 Who? 221 00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,376 I felt them literally rolling around. 222 00:09:15,510 --> 00:09:18,476 Both of us staring into each other's eyes. 223 00:09:18,610 --> 00:09:20,443 It seemed like an eternity 224 00:09:20,576 --> 00:09:22,376 but it was less than half an hour. 225 00:09:24,110 --> 00:09:28,176 He cracked in the end. We did it my way. 226 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:29,110 [Toast snorts] 227 00:09:29,210 --> 00:09:30,576 I'm not joking, Steven. 228 00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:34,010 This isn't Michael McIntyre's Comedy Road Show. 229 00:09:34,143 --> 00:09:35,776 And when I say literally, 230 00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:38,610 I do, of course literally mean, literally. 231 00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:51,976 [soft piano music] 232 00:09:58,576 --> 00:09:59,710 Check this one mate. 233 00:09:59,843 --> 00:10:02,610 Over here you great mate. 234 00:10:02,743 --> 00:10:03,843 Jesus Christ. 235 00:10:03,976 --> 00:10:05,510 We need to talk to you Toast. 236 00:10:05,643 --> 00:10:07,143 You are in serious danger of jeopardising this production 237 00:10:07,276 --> 00:10:08,343 because you hate Acker. 238 00:10:08,476 --> 00:10:09,143 Do you hate Acker? 239 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,743 I hardly know the man. 240 00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:12,576 He believes you're not showing him the requisite loyalty. 241 00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:14,076 He needs a lot of reassurance, Toast. 242 00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:16,510 Now, I have to ask you something else. Confidentially. 243 00:10:16,643 --> 00:10:17,910 What? 244 00:10:18,043 --> 00:10:18,710 Do you know about the other murder? 245 00:10:18,843 --> 00:10:20,243 What other murder? 246 00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:21,543 Ray. Don't ask him if he knows about the other murder. 247 00:10:21,676 --> 00:10:23,110 But, I thought you said- 248 00:10:23,243 --> 00:10:24,743 I wasn't gonna ask him about the other murder, Ray. 249 00:10:24,876 --> 00:10:27,276 I was gonna ask him about the extra rehearsal on Saturday. 250 00:10:27,410 --> 00:10:28,443 You don't know about that, do you? 251 00:10:28,576 --> 00:10:29,676 What? The extra rehearsal? 252 00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:31,010 No. The other murder. 253 00:10:31,143 --> 00:10:33,176 Stop mentioning that Ray. 254 00:10:33,310 --> 00:10:35,443 Anyway, you don't know about it, do you? 255 00:10:35,576 --> 00:10:36,843 What? 256 00:10:36,976 --> 00:10:37,810 The thing that Ray mentioned there, 257 00:10:37,943 --> 00:10:39,343 but shouldn't have mentioned. 258 00:10:39,476 --> 00:10:40,643 I don't know anything. This is fucking ridiculous. 259 00:10:40,776 --> 00:10:42,743 That's good. Don't tell anyone about it. 260 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,743 Look, if someone's been- 261 00:10:44,876 --> 00:10:47,343 Sorry, mate, can we have our Frisbee back? 262 00:10:49,476 --> 00:10:50,710 What the? 263 00:10:50,843 --> 00:10:52,376 Do you wanna join in? 264 00:10:55,643 --> 00:10:56,510 Oh, good catch. 265 00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:01,243 [Karate chop noise] 266 00:11:01,376 --> 00:11:02,910 That's for fucking my wife. 267 00:11:03,110 --> 00:11:05,310 And for making me look like a dog's nut back there. 268 00:11:08,476 --> 00:11:11,443 So, the implication was that Acker's murdered 269 00:11:11,576 --> 00:11:12,476 someone else? 270 00:11:12,610 --> 00:11:14,443 I got that distinct impression. 271 00:11:14,576 --> 00:11:16,143 I think Ray Purchase got cack-mouthed 272 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,576 and revealed it in error. 273 00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:18,943 Very odd. 274 00:11:19,110 --> 00:11:20,276 Well, shouldn't we contact the police? 275 00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:23,110 Well, with murders, once you get the police in, 276 00:11:23,210 --> 00:11:24,776 things can get complicated. 277 00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:26,976 I agree. If ever I heard about a murder, 278 00:11:27,110 --> 00:11:28,210 I wouldn't contact the police. 279 00:11:28,343 --> 00:11:30,276 Why not? Overcrowded prisons? 280 00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:32,743 No. Much along the lines of what you've just said. 281 00:11:32,876 --> 00:11:34,176 Once you get the police involved with the murder, 282 00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:35,243 things can escalate. 283 00:11:36,943 --> 00:11:39,810 Look, you have to get me out of this Acker play. 284 00:11:39,943 --> 00:11:42,276 I mean, tell him anything. Tell him I've got VD. 285 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,510 Where would you get it? 286 00:11:43,643 --> 00:11:44,910 You haven't been exactly active recently. 287 00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:46,943 [they laugh] 288 00:11:47,110 --> 00:11:48,543 Now listen, Toast, I think it's important 289 00:11:48,676 --> 00:11:50,643 you don't cross Acker. You just do what he says. 290 00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:51,943 You don't want him as an enemy. 291 00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:53,643 Now bugger off, Toast. 292 00:11:53,776 --> 00:11:55,876 I've got Strawberry Rathbone popping in in 15 minutes. 293 00:11:56,010 --> 00:11:57,776 If she sees you here, there'll be a scene. 294 00:11:57,910 --> 00:11:59,510 A scene, you say. 295 00:11:59,643 --> 00:12:01,876 That'll be the first for her in a while. 296 00:12:02,010 --> 00:12:04,543 [Toast laughs] 297 00:12:10,776 --> 00:12:14,710 Oh. Jesus Christ, Ed. What are you playing at? 298 00:12:14,843 --> 00:12:16,343 Oh, sorry Toast. Didn't know me own strength. 299 00:12:16,476 --> 00:12:19,110 Fire and fucking blast. Not again. 300 00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:21,910 Language violation, Toast. You all right? 301 00:12:22,110 --> 00:12:23,810 Well, if it's the crown jewels you're referring to Ed, 302 00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,476 not good. 303 00:12:25,610 --> 00:12:28,443 Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, play is suspended. Thank you. 304 00:12:30,476 --> 00:12:31,843 Something on your mind, Toast? 305 00:12:31,976 --> 00:12:34,543 Do you remember Greta Cargo from RADA? 306 00:12:34,676 --> 00:12:36,976 Yeah, very much into sex, if I recall. 307 00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:38,610 I bumped into her on the street. 308 00:12:38,743 --> 00:12:40,176 Always thought she was great. 309 00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:42,643 In fact, that's an anagram of her name, great. 310 00:12:42,776 --> 00:12:45,276 Just swap the a and the t, it's a very simple one, but- 311 00:12:45,410 --> 00:12:46,976 So it is. 312 00:12:47,110 --> 00:12:48,776 Anyway. I've created a bit of a problem for myself. 313 00:12:48,910 --> 00:12:50,343 I've contacted an agency. 314 00:12:50,476 --> 00:12:51,476 An estate agency? 315 00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:53,876 No, a different kind of agency. 316 00:12:54,010 --> 00:12:54,910 Travel agency? 317 00:12:55,110 --> 00:12:57,110 What? No. An escort agency. 318 00:12:57,243 --> 00:12:58,110 Ah, I see. 319 00:12:59,476 --> 00:13:01,543 Well, lots of chaps use agencies. 320 00:13:01,676 --> 00:13:04,110 I've read about it. I mean, you might have done it. 321 00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:05,110 I haven't done it. 322 00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:06,176 Oh, that's fine. 323 00:13:06,310 --> 00:13:07,443 Yeah, but I haven't done it. 324 00:13:07,576 --> 00:13:08,443 Okay. I mean if you had- 325 00:13:08,576 --> 00:13:09,143 I honestly haven't done it. 326 00:13:09,276 --> 00:13:10,110 All right. 327 00:13:11,610 --> 00:13:14,576 So, I'm meeting this escort in this posh hotel 328 00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,943 in South Ken tomorrow. I can't wait. 329 00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:19,843 Does a great afternoon tea as well. So this is the dilemma. 330 00:13:19,976 --> 00:13:22,543 If I hook up with the escort, the sex is guaranteed. 331 00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,310 If I meet Greta and nothing happens, 332 00:13:24,443 --> 00:13:26,743 I'll shit out and be doubly disappointed. 333 00:13:26,876 --> 00:13:27,710 You want my advice? 334 00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:28,543 Yeah. 335 00:13:28,676 --> 00:13:29,876 Go where the sex is. 336 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,143 That's exactly what I was thinking. 337 00:13:31,276 --> 00:13:32,576 After all it's only what, 400 quid. 338 00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:35,710 400 quid. How do you know? 339 00:13:35,843 --> 00:13:37,210 Guess. 340 00:13:37,343 --> 00:13:38,643 Well you're spot on. 341 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,843 Just a guess, Toast, just a guess. 342 00:13:40,976 --> 00:13:43,376 [Toast groans] 343 00:13:43,510 --> 00:13:44,776 Guess. 344 00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:47,010 Reception? Hello? Yes. 345 00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:50,776 I'm the travelling salesman from room 560. 346 00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:55,110 I'm expecting a visitor. She's blonde and her name is Lori. 347 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:58,510 Just, I'll be here, just ring up, I'll come straight down. 348 00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:02,510 [phone rings] 349 00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:05,743 Toast. 350 00:14:05,876 --> 00:14:08,510 Toast? It's Acker Herron. Meet me at the Olympian club. 351 00:14:08,643 --> 00:14:09,510 You wanna meet now? 352 00:14:09,643 --> 00:14:10,443 Yes, now. 353 00:14:10,576 --> 00:14:12,143 But I have to- 354 00:14:12,276 --> 00:14:13,276 I wouldn't waste our time unless it was important. 355 00:14:13,410 --> 00:14:14,476 I can't, I've got a- 356 00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:15,943 I'll text you the address. 357 00:14:17,243 --> 00:14:20,176 What the f- who the shit does he think he is? 358 00:14:21,410 --> 00:14:24,110 [doorbell rings] 359 00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:31,176 Fencing tells one so much about a fellow. 360 00:14:31,310 --> 00:14:33,243 About his commitment, his loyalty, 361 00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:35,343 about how much of a man he is. 362 00:14:35,476 --> 00:14:37,110 Do we have to. 363 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,243 I have an afternoon tea appointment at four. 364 00:14:40,276 --> 00:14:41,110 Oh God. 365 00:14:43,676 --> 00:14:46,210 [swords clash] 366 00:14:48,676 --> 00:14:50,610 You have a natural talent, Toast. 367 00:14:50,743 --> 00:14:53,643 I like to think I've mastered the basic skills. 368 00:14:53,776 --> 00:14:55,476 [Swords clash] 369 00:14:55,610 --> 00:14:56,343 [electronic zapping sound] 370 00:14:56,476 --> 00:14:57,110 That hurt did it? 371 00:14:57,210 --> 00:14:58,410 Shit. 372 00:14:58,543 --> 00:15:00,176 Your suit is fitted with electronic sensors. 373 00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:03,876 A direct hit results in a massive electric shock, 374 00:15:04,010 --> 00:15:05,510 enough to kill a small dog. 375 00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,743 What the hell are you playing at? 376 00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:09,410 I'm testing you out, Toast. 377 00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:12,210 I want to make sure you're the kind of man I can rely on. 378 00:15:14,943 --> 00:15:17,510 [swords clash] 379 00:15:19,276 --> 00:15:19,943 [electronic zapping] 380 00:15:20,110 --> 00:15:22,710 [Toast screams] 381 00:15:25,643 --> 00:15:29,243 [Acker laughs menacingly] 382 00:15:29,376 --> 00:15:31,343 I think you proved yourself out there. 383 00:15:31,476 --> 00:15:33,110 You passed part one of the test. 384 00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:37,243 Part one? I dread to think what part two entails. 385 00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:39,710 Of course. 386 00:15:39,843 --> 00:15:41,710 Yes. It's me, Toast. 387 00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:45,610 Ray fucking Purchase. Your worst nightmare. 388 00:15:45,743 --> 00:15:46,910 [Toast gasps] 389 00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:48,576 How does that feel, Toast? 390 00:15:48,710 --> 00:15:49,876 Grab the other one Ray. 391 00:15:50,010 --> 00:15:51,243 [Toast gasps again] 392 00:15:51,376 --> 00:15:54,110 Cumberbatch lasted less than half an hour. 393 00:15:54,176 --> 00:15:55,110 Who? 394 00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:57,676 Fassbender, barely 20 minutes. 395 00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:59,376 You think it's clever do you? 396 00:15:59,510 --> 00:16:01,110 Grabbing a man's balls in the shower. 397 00:16:01,243 --> 00:16:03,310 You're pathetic, both of you. 398 00:16:03,443 --> 00:16:04,710 We're not letting go, Toast. 399 00:16:04,843 --> 00:16:07,443 We're going to break your balls. 400 00:16:08,810 --> 00:16:10,943 Metaphorically and literally. 401 00:16:11,110 --> 00:16:13,543 [Toast gasps] 402 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,710 45 minutes, I'm impressed. 403 00:16:20,343 --> 00:16:21,810 What time's your appointment? 404 00:16:21,943 --> 00:16:24,110 Four o'clock. And it's crucial I don't arrive for this 405 00:16:24,210 --> 00:16:27,210 particular appointment with crushed nuts. 406 00:16:27,343 --> 00:16:29,410 [Toast groans] 407 00:16:29,543 --> 00:16:31,176 I think you've made your point. 408 00:16:31,310 --> 00:16:34,876 Do you swear total loyalty to me and to the production? 409 00:16:35,010 --> 00:16:36,210 Yes. 410 00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:37,110 Ha. 411 00:16:38,676 --> 00:16:41,610 I just know we're going to achieve great things 412 00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:45,443 with this play. This is a terrible time for theatre. 413 00:16:45,576 --> 00:16:48,276 Have you heard about that shit that's on at the Playhouse. 414 00:16:48,410 --> 00:16:52,210 It's everything I hate. All the actors in that 415 00:16:52,343 --> 00:16:55,776 should be stripped naked, shot and shat on. 416 00:16:57,143 --> 00:17:00,476 Hang on a second. Toast's in that play. 417 00:17:03,176 --> 00:17:06,876 You're in that play. He's in that play Acker. 418 00:17:07,010 --> 00:17:10,843 Okay. Well that's, rather disappointing. 419 00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:16,976 Give me a moment. I just need to think about strategy here. 420 00:17:18,810 --> 00:17:19,976 I'll be back in a minute. 421 00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:24,576 Why are you such a grass, Purchase? 422 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,176 Look. If you are in some shit play, 423 00:17:27,310 --> 00:17:28,810 Acker needs to know about it. 424 00:17:28,943 --> 00:17:31,376 You can't resist it, can you? Poking that big nose 425 00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:32,410 of yours in. 426 00:17:32,543 --> 00:17:34,643 You're such a fucking prick. 427 00:17:34,776 --> 00:17:38,343 Ray, please leave. This could turn ugly. 428 00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:40,910 I wouldn't mind staying. 429 00:17:41,110 --> 00:17:44,643 Leave. I don't want any witnesses. 430 00:17:44,776 --> 00:17:47,110 And lock all the doors behind you. 431 00:17:47,243 --> 00:17:48,110 Okay. 432 00:17:52,976 --> 00:17:55,710 So, it's just you and me, Toast. 433 00:17:58,610 --> 00:18:01,676 Shouldn't I put my fencing outfit on? 434 00:18:01,810 --> 00:18:02,876 Actually you're wearing mine with- 435 00:18:03,010 --> 00:18:05,176 We're not doing fencing anymore, Toast. 436 00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,110 We're doing killing. 437 00:18:07,210 --> 00:18:10,243 This is what you get for doing shit theatre. 438 00:18:10,376 --> 00:18:12,110 You're going to die. 439 00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:15,243 [Acker laughs menacingly] 440 00:18:15,376 --> 00:18:18,310 Okay, you win Acker. But is it not customary 441 00:18:18,443 --> 00:18:20,276 to give a condemned man at last request? 442 00:18:21,376 --> 00:18:22,510 Okay. What is it? 443 00:18:24,210 --> 00:18:27,910 We've left the shower on. I hate wasting water. 444 00:18:28,110 --> 00:18:30,143 You wouldn't mind turning it off? 445 00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:32,776 Fine. You know it's good to be concerned about 446 00:18:32,910 --> 00:18:35,443 environmental issues. Alright. 447 00:18:35,576 --> 00:18:38,110 Ray Purchase has locked all the doors, so, 448 00:18:38,176 --> 00:18:39,843 you can't escape. 449 00:18:39,976 --> 00:18:41,343 Resistance would be futile. 450 00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:49,410 [Acker screams] 451 00:18:49,543 --> 00:18:52,676 I'm guessing the rehearsals cancelled. 452 00:18:52,810 --> 00:18:54,476 Reception. Hello? 453 00:18:54,610 --> 00:18:58,443 Yes. I'm the travelling salesman from room 560. 454 00:18:58,576 --> 00:19:00,643 Shit, I've forgotten my name. 455 00:19:00,776 --> 00:19:04,343 Look, look. If someone comes to the hotel, 456 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:07,176 asking for the name of a guest who isn't a resident, 457 00:19:07,310 --> 00:19:08,643 it'll probably be for me. 458 00:19:11,576 --> 00:19:14,143 [Toast snores] 459 00:19:15,443 --> 00:19:17,610 [phone rings] 460 00:19:17,743 --> 00:19:20,876 Hello? Royce Coolidge. 461 00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:22,676 Yes, that's who I am. 462 00:19:22,810 --> 00:19:26,010 Yes, she- fantastic. I'll be straight down. Thanking you. 463 00:19:34,943 --> 00:19:35,943 Greta? 464 00:19:36,110 --> 00:19:38,710 Steven. Hello again. 465 00:19:38,843 --> 00:19:40,643 Oh yeah, I'm just here, 466 00:19:40,776 --> 00:19:43,976 meeting an old male, man school friend. 467 00:19:44,110 --> 00:19:46,643 I hear the afternoon tea is great. What are you doing here? 468 00:19:46,776 --> 00:19:47,776 I'm working. 469 00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:48,776 Working? 470 00:19:48,910 --> 00:19:50,576 Yes. I'm meeting someone. 471 00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:53,876 They're called a John in the trade. I should explain. 472 00:19:54,010 --> 00:19:55,443 No, no, no, no, no, no. 473 00:19:55,576 --> 00:19:57,110 This is amazing. 474 00:19:57,210 --> 00:20:00,676 Has it got anything to do with an escort agency? 475 00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:01,676 Yes. 476 00:20:01,810 --> 00:20:06,643 Ha! I can't say I'm surprised. 477 00:20:08,010 --> 00:20:10,343 You were always pretty adventurous. Shall we? 478 00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:11,876 I'm not sure what you mean, Steven, 479 00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:14,143 this is part of the documentary series I'm producing. 480 00:20:14,276 --> 00:20:16,343 We're here with that woman over there. 481 00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,510 We're hoping to interview the man she's meeting. 482 00:20:18,643 --> 00:20:20,776 In fact, he's on his way down as we speak. 483 00:20:20,910 --> 00:20:24,310 So if you could just- hang on. 484 00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:27,510 How did you know about the escort agency? 485 00:20:38,610 --> 00:20:42,243 * All men, somehow pay for love. * 486 00:20:42,376 --> 00:20:45,476 While this world turns under stars above, 487 00:20:46,676 --> 00:20:49,810 it's unfair how fingers point and blame, 488 00:20:51,143 --> 00:20:53,876 now I hang my head in fear and shame. 489 00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:57,810 Who am I to cast a stone? 490 00:20:59,476 --> 00:21:02,143 I've enough dark demons of my own. 491 00:21:03,776 --> 00:21:06,510 Just a pawn in a very complex game, 492 00:21:08,243 --> 00:21:11,143 now I hang my head in fear and shame. 493 00:21:12,676 --> 00:21:15,610 How I hang my head in fear and shame, 494 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:19,910 yes, I hang my head in fear and shame. 495 00:21:21,743 --> 00:21:24,476 [saxophone solo] 496 00:21:31,510 --> 00:21:34,910 [upbeat jazz music plays] 497 00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:49,243 Guys. You're wasting your time. 498 00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:50,576 You're wasting the air in your lungs. 499 00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:53,110 I know for a fact that Steven Toast is dead. 500 00:21:53,243 --> 00:21:54,743 Don't ask me why, I just know he is. 501 00:21:54,876 --> 00:21:56,143 I know he's dead. 502 00:21:56,276 --> 00:21:58,910 [crowd shouts] 503 00:22:05,310 --> 00:22:06,776 Shit. 504 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:10,476 [upbeat piano music plays]