1 00:00:00,843 --> 00:00:01,876 [gentle chiming music] 2 00:00:02,010 --> 00:00:02,743 Are we rolling? 3 00:00:02,876 --> 00:00:03,743 Yeah, in your own time. 4 00:00:06,843 --> 00:00:09,076 [Steven] Is that it, just that one word? 5 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:09,910 Yeah. 6 00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:10,843 Okay. 7 00:00:12,076 --> 00:00:13,143 "Yes." 8 00:00:17,443 --> 00:00:18,976 Uh, hey, Steven that was really good. 9 00:00:19,110 --> 00:00:22,576 Um, feeling is here that you could be a bit more positive. 10 00:00:22,710 --> 00:00:24,210 More positive? 11 00:00:24,343 --> 00:00:26,276 Yeah, you know, really go for it. 12 00:00:26,410 --> 00:00:27,376 You want me to go for it? 13 00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:28,310 Yeah. 14 00:00:29,476 --> 00:00:30,210 All right. 15 00:00:31,910 --> 00:00:33,243 "Yes!" 16 00:00:36,310 --> 00:00:37,476 Very, very good. 17 00:00:37,610 --> 00:00:38,843 Um, let's try it without the script. 18 00:00:38,976 --> 00:00:40,843 Might just loosen you up a little bit, yeah? 19 00:00:40,976 --> 00:00:41,910 What is it, one word? 20 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:43,576 You don't really need it, do you? 21 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,343 I probably don't need the scripts, it's just a word. 22 00:00:45,476 --> 00:00:47,310 [Danny] Yep. Okay, let's do it again. 23 00:00:50,476 --> 00:00:51,276 Yes! 24 00:00:53,643 --> 00:00:54,376 Is that it? 25 00:00:54,510 --> 00:00:55,510 -Yes. -Right. 26 00:00:57,976 --> 00:00:59,410 Hi, Steven? 27 00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:01,476 -Yes. -This is Clem Fandango. 28 00:01:01,610 --> 00:01:02,576 [Steven] Yes? 29 00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:03,843 Can you hear me? 30 00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,310 [Steven] Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. 31 00:01:05,443 --> 00:01:06,943 Honestly, this is going so great, 32 00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:07,943 but I just think there was a little loss of energy 33 00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:08,910 on that last take. 34 00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:09,910 Maybe try one more. 35 00:01:12,643 --> 00:01:13,510 Okay, ready to go? 36 00:01:13,643 --> 00:01:14,310 -Yep. -What? 37 00:01:14,443 --> 00:01:15,343 Yes! 38 00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:16,310 Okay. 39 00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:18,376 Yes! 40 00:01:18,510 --> 00:01:19,343 Yes! 41 00:01:20,243 --> 00:01:21,676 Yes! 42 00:01:21,810 --> 00:01:22,643 Yes! 43 00:01:23,476 --> 00:01:24,943 Yes! 44 00:01:25,110 --> 00:01:26,410 Yes! 45 00:01:26,543 --> 00:01:27,976 Yes! 46 00:01:28,110 --> 00:01:28,910 Yes! 47 00:01:29,843 --> 00:01:30,643 Yes! 48 00:01:31,543 --> 00:01:32,376 Yes! 49 00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:35,110 Yes! 50 00:01:35,176 --> 00:01:36,010 Yes! 51 00:01:36,976 --> 00:01:38,176 [sighs] Fuck. 52 00:01:40,410 --> 00:01:41,276 Jesus. 53 00:01:42,376 --> 00:01:44,110 -Steven? -What? 54 00:01:44,210 --> 00:01:46,110 How would you feel about doing a "No"? 55 00:01:47,443 --> 00:01:50,910 [bright upbeat rock music] 56 00:02:16,343 --> 00:02:18,143 [Ellen] Come on, you idiot. 57 00:02:18,276 --> 00:02:19,576 I'm trying to concentrate, Ellen. 58 00:02:19,710 --> 00:02:21,110 It's only fucking crazy golf. 59 00:02:21,243 --> 00:02:22,510 Now take the shot and move on. 60 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,410 It's not crazy golf, it's mini golf. 61 00:02:24,543 --> 00:02:25,810 What's the fucking difference? 62 00:02:25,943 --> 00:02:27,343 One's crazy and one's mini. 63 00:02:27,476 --> 00:02:29,910 It's obvious what the fucking difference is. 64 00:02:30,110 --> 00:02:31,210 I'm taking my shot now. 65 00:02:31,343 --> 00:02:32,410 You can't do that, Ellen, it's my shot. 66 00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:33,743 Why is it your shot? 67 00:02:33,876 --> 00:02:35,976 Because my ball is nearer to the hole! 68 00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:38,276 It's not the fucking US Masters! 69 00:02:38,410 --> 00:02:40,010 Now I'm going to take my shot. 70 00:02:40,143 --> 00:02:41,543 You can't do that. 71 00:02:41,676 --> 00:02:43,676 Don't tell me what to do. 72 00:02:43,810 --> 00:02:45,210 Excuse me? 73 00:02:45,343 --> 00:02:46,476 Excuse me? 74 00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:48,243 How long are you gonna be on this hole? 75 00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:49,843 Mind your own fucking business! 76 00:02:49,976 --> 00:02:50,876 Yeah. 77 00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:52,476 We are actually on this hole, 78 00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:53,943 so piss off and wait your turn. 79 00:02:54,110 --> 00:02:55,743 Now give me the club. 80 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,976 Do not take this club, Ellen. 81 00:02:58,110 --> 00:03:01,310 Do not tell me what to do. 82 00:03:01,443 --> 00:03:02,610 -[club thuds] -Argh! 83 00:03:02,743 --> 00:03:04,843 I really hate it when you tell me what to do! 84 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,343 -[club thuds] -Argh! 85 00:03:06,476 --> 00:03:07,210 I really hate it when you tell me what to do! 86 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:14,243 [Ellen grunting] 87 00:03:14,376 --> 00:03:19,010 -[club thudding] -[Steven whimpering] 88 00:03:19,676 --> 00:03:21,976 [Steven crying] 89 00:03:25,110 --> 00:03:26,110 I really miss her. 90 00:03:27,410 --> 00:03:28,176 Who's that, Toast? 91 00:03:28,310 --> 00:03:29,643 Ellen, my ex-wife. 92 00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,276 I really miss her. 93 00:03:31,410 --> 00:03:34,110 I thought you said your marriage was volatile. 94 00:03:34,210 --> 00:03:37,443 It was, but we had so much in common. 95 00:03:37,576 --> 00:03:39,810 Straight talker, never suffered fools gladly. 96 00:03:39,943 --> 00:03:41,876 She had a terrific sense of humour. 97 00:03:43,610 --> 00:03:45,010 I've just got this from her solicitor. 98 00:03:45,143 --> 00:03:47,776 She wants a divorce and a hell of a lot of cash. 99 00:03:47,910 --> 00:03:50,010 Oh, dear. Are you flush at the moment? 100 00:03:50,143 --> 00:03:51,676 Well, luckily, I've been hired 101 00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:54,276 by a very rich Arab gentleman to star in a film he's making. 102 00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:57,210 He's promised me a tidy sum. We start tomorrow. 103 00:03:57,343 --> 00:04:00,410 Ah, sounds like something that Omar Sharif might be in. 104 00:04:00,543 --> 00:04:01,476 I once played some surprisingly 105 00:04:01,610 --> 00:04:03,243 competitive bridge with Omar. 106 00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:05,543 We had a rubber in his private Jacuzzi. 107 00:04:05,676 --> 00:04:06,810 So, what's the film about? 108 00:04:06,943 --> 00:04:08,776 I don't know, I haven't been sent a script. 109 00:04:08,910 --> 00:04:12,110 Huge budget. Could be a big break for me. 110 00:04:12,176 --> 00:04:16,243 [dramatic upbeat music] 111 00:04:16,376 --> 00:04:18,210 Okay, I'm gonna ask you 112 00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:20,643 if you recognise any of these photographs. 113 00:04:20,776 --> 00:04:23,443 We think the murderer may be one of these men. 114 00:04:24,376 --> 00:04:25,210 Is this him? 115 00:04:26,876 --> 00:04:27,976 Is this him? 116 00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:30,143 Is this him? 117 00:04:31,876 --> 00:04:33,143 Is this him? 118 00:04:34,576 --> 00:04:36,576 Yes, just as I thought. 119 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,110 And when he attacked you, 120 00:04:38,243 --> 00:04:41,376 did he make an unsavoury racial comment? 121 00:04:41,510 --> 00:04:43,610 Yes, no surprises there. 122 00:04:43,743 --> 00:04:45,543 He's got form on that one. 123 00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:49,110 All right, Mr. Ho Chi, you can go. 124 00:04:49,176 --> 00:04:50,210 Stop acting! 125 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,443 Very good. You get him, Toast, eh? 126 00:04:55,510 --> 00:04:58,310 You nail the bloody fucker! 127 00:04:58,443 --> 00:05:00,776 I just do whatever it says in the script, Mr. Fasili. 128 00:05:00,910 --> 00:05:02,576 Prince Philip, I hate him. 129 00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:04,843 It's pretty clear from this you're not a fan. 130 00:05:07,343 --> 00:05:09,110 It's very good shooting today, Toast. 131 00:05:09,210 --> 00:05:10,810 You know, I've never directed a film thing before, 132 00:05:10,943 --> 00:05:13,310 but I think I'm pretty darn good at it, yes? 133 00:05:14,643 --> 00:05:15,910 -Right. -We'll win Oscars, I think, 134 00:05:16,110 --> 00:05:17,976 or BAFTA Awards. 135 00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:20,243 Then I show this Prince Philip character. 136 00:05:20,376 --> 00:05:22,110 I hate him. I hate him. 137 00:05:22,176 --> 00:05:23,843 Hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him! 138 00:05:23,976 --> 00:05:25,276 I hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him! 139 00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:28,543 Hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him! 140 00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,643 Do you think I could get a sandwich? 141 00:05:37,776 --> 00:05:40,276 [upbeat music] 142 00:05:40,410 --> 00:05:41,976 It's fucking terrible. 143 00:05:42,110 --> 00:05:44,976 He's never directed before, never written a script, 144 00:05:45,110 --> 00:05:46,176 and he hasn't got a chance in hell 145 00:05:46,310 --> 00:05:47,410 of getting this film shown 146 00:05:47,543 --> 00:05:49,176 in any decent cinema in the world. 147 00:05:49,310 --> 00:05:51,176 It's obviously a vanity project. 148 00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,576 It's good money, though, Toast. 149 00:05:52,710 --> 00:05:54,176 The man's a billionaire. 150 00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,176 That's like a really wealthy millionaire. 151 00:05:56,310 --> 00:05:57,543 And besides, you don't really want anyone 152 00:05:57,676 --> 00:05:58,543 to see the film, do you? 153 00:05:58,676 --> 00:05:59,476 Of course, I don't. 154 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,110 Well, then. 155 00:06:01,176 --> 00:06:02,510 Yeah, but I bloody well should be 156 00:06:02,643 --> 00:06:04,543 starring in films people want to see, 157 00:06:04,676 --> 00:06:06,910 made by proper directors. 158 00:06:07,110 --> 00:06:09,010 Something like "The King's Speech." 159 00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:18,743 I'm not saying you're not good enough 160 00:06:18,876 --> 00:06:21,376 to bag an Academy Award, Toast, I'm just... 161 00:06:22,976 --> 00:06:25,510 I just don't think it's ever possible you'll win one. 162 00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:31,410 Because of what I said to Minnie Driver? 163 00:06:31,543 --> 00:06:32,343 Yes. 164 00:06:33,910 --> 00:06:35,410 'Cause I told Minnie Driver she had a big face. 165 00:06:35,543 --> 00:06:37,943 Cause I told Minnie Driver she had a big face, yes. 166 00:06:38,110 --> 00:06:39,676 She's in Hollywood now. She has lots of contacts. 167 00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:41,276 She won't forget something like that. 168 00:06:41,410 --> 00:06:43,643 And then the Fassbender debacle. 169 00:06:43,776 --> 00:06:45,376 Oh, everyone knows Fassbender's... 170 00:06:45,510 --> 00:06:46,876 -[horse braying] -[unsettling music] 171 00:06:47,010 --> 00:06:49,510 [man screaming] 172 00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:50,976 Really, Toast. 173 00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:52,810 Spreading a vile rumour. 174 00:06:52,943 --> 00:06:54,376 I saw the photo of a chalet. 175 00:06:54,510 --> 00:06:56,110 He's a major player. 176 00:06:56,210 --> 00:06:57,643 He could crush you like that. 177 00:06:57,776 --> 00:07:00,410 [can crumples] 178 00:07:00,543 --> 00:07:01,710 Now, you're getting paid a lot for this film. 179 00:07:01,843 --> 00:07:03,310 It means you may not have to do 180 00:07:03,443 --> 00:07:05,110 the television advert for the laxative. 181 00:07:05,243 --> 00:07:07,243 There's no way I'm doing a laxative ad. 182 00:07:07,376 --> 00:07:08,710 You remember what happened to Derek Sibling. 183 00:07:08,843 --> 00:07:10,110 No, I don't, actually. 184 00:07:10,176 --> 00:07:11,576 Whatever did happen to Derek Sibling? 185 00:07:11,710 --> 00:07:13,110 He was very good. 186 00:07:13,243 --> 00:07:15,876 He was. Brightest in his year at RADA. 187 00:07:16,010 --> 00:07:19,276 Trod out one of the best Henry V's this fella's ever seen. 188 00:07:19,410 --> 00:07:21,943 All going well for him, then he bursts onto the television 189 00:07:22,110 --> 00:07:24,143 clutching his guts for a laxative ad. 190 00:07:24,276 --> 00:07:26,943 Then [clicks fingers] goodnight, sweetheart. 191 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:30,243 Takes a very brave actor to promote a laxative. 192 00:07:30,376 --> 00:07:32,143 Money's great. 193 00:07:32,276 --> 00:07:34,710 Martin from the agency would still like to meet you. 194 00:07:36,376 --> 00:07:37,243 Well, you're obviously not keen, but meet him anyway. 195 00:07:37,376 --> 00:07:38,576 It'll be very casual. 196 00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:40,776 He's suggested you go bowling together. 197 00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:42,276 -Bowling? -Yes, bowling. 198 00:07:43,776 --> 00:07:44,743 You've got a big, black ball 199 00:07:44,876 --> 00:07:46,343 and you throw it at the skittles. 200 00:07:46,476 --> 00:07:47,910 Skittles? 201 00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:48,910 Yeah, skittles. 202 00:07:50,110 --> 00:07:51,310 They get knocked over 203 00:07:51,443 --> 00:07:52,876 and the mechanical machine puts them back 204 00:07:53,010 --> 00:07:55,310 and then you have another go at hitting them. 205 00:07:55,443 --> 00:07:56,376 I think you're wrong there, Jane. 206 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,743 I don't think so. 207 00:07:57,876 --> 00:07:59,176 I think you're confusing it with another game. 208 00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:00,610 Look, I really think you should do this, Toast. 209 00:08:00,743 --> 00:08:02,943 It's just an informal meeting with bowling. 210 00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:03,776 No obligation. 211 00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:05,510 All right! 212 00:08:05,643 --> 00:08:08,276 [upbeat music] 213 00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:09,943 What? 214 00:08:10,110 --> 00:08:12,110 You can't stop for petrol during a fare, you prat. 215 00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:14,010 I'm sorry, mate, I meant to get it earlier. 216 00:08:14,143 --> 00:08:15,543 For fuck's sake. 217 00:08:15,676 --> 00:08:17,910 [taxi door clunking] 218 00:08:18,110 --> 00:08:19,176 [lighter clicking] 219 00:08:19,310 --> 00:08:20,510 Hang on, he's not lighting a cigarette? 220 00:08:20,643 --> 00:08:21,476 Right! 221 00:08:23,910 --> 00:08:25,710 You can't smoke around petrol! 222 00:08:25,843 --> 00:08:27,710 The place'll go up like Worzel Gummidge. 223 00:08:27,843 --> 00:08:29,976 Oi, you're in that play, ain't ya? 224 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,176 Oh, God! 225 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:32,443 -[petrol gushing] -Jesus! 226 00:08:32,576 --> 00:08:34,410 I went to see that play with a mate of mine. 227 00:08:34,543 --> 00:08:37,276 You ought to be a-fucking-shamed of yourself. 228 00:08:37,410 --> 00:08:38,943 Oi, get back there. 229 00:08:39,110 --> 00:08:40,976 There's no need for the theatre in this country 230 00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:42,543 to descend to that level. 231 00:08:42,676 --> 00:08:43,310 Are you finished? 232 00:08:43,443 --> 00:08:44,576 No, get back. 233 00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:48,643 Sex, nudity, bad language, disgusting! 234 00:08:48,776 --> 00:08:51,276 Next time, I'll put a fucking match to you. 235 00:08:53,643 --> 00:08:56,843 [gentle upbeat music] 236 00:08:58,276 --> 00:08:59,610 I'll burn your bollocks off! 237 00:09:02,176 --> 00:09:03,710 Goodnight, sweet prince. 238 00:09:23,276 --> 00:09:25,310 This is awful, having all your boxes here. 239 00:09:25,443 --> 00:09:26,976 When are you gonna move them? 240 00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:28,976 Well, I'll take some today, but I'll have to hire a van. 241 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,343 Why do you have to write your name on all of them? 242 00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,210 I don't know. They might get lost, or something. 243 00:09:32,343 --> 00:09:34,410 Well, Ricky is moving in next week, 244 00:09:34,543 --> 00:09:36,276 so he won't want all your stuff there. 245 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,776 [Steven] Yeah, well, Ricky is a cunt. 246 00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:39,410 I beg your pardon? 247 00:09:39,543 --> 00:09:41,610 I said, I think I may have my hat on back to front. 248 00:09:41,743 --> 00:09:43,010 You don't like Ricky, do you? 249 00:09:43,143 --> 00:09:44,610 Oh, come on, Ellen, he's a builder. 250 00:09:44,743 --> 00:09:46,276 And you're 45th in line for the throne. 251 00:09:46,410 --> 00:09:47,843 You are such a snob. 252 00:09:47,976 --> 00:09:49,343 I'm a snob and he's a yob. 253 00:09:49,476 --> 00:09:50,943 And you are a knob. 254 00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:54,643 Ricky cares about me. And he's fit. 255 00:09:54,776 --> 00:09:55,510 What? 256 00:09:55,643 --> 00:09:57,110 He's fit. 257 00:09:57,243 --> 00:09:59,676 What, do you mean he has a high level of physical fitness? 258 00:09:59,810 --> 00:10:01,510 No, I mean he's good-looking. 259 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:02,810 [Steven scoffs] 260 00:10:02,943 --> 00:10:04,143 Why are you wearing that uniform? 261 00:10:04,276 --> 00:10:05,476 It's a costume. I had to change my clothes. 262 00:10:05,610 --> 00:10:07,110 Someone poured petrol on me earlier. 263 00:10:07,243 --> 00:10:09,110 It's 'cause of that ghastly play you're in, isn't it? 264 00:10:09,243 --> 00:10:10,876 Yeah, well, you should be grateful I'm working, 265 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,943 'cause you're fleecing me with that divorce settlement. 266 00:10:13,076 --> 00:10:15,810 I'm only getting what I'm due. 267 00:10:15,943 --> 00:10:17,610 Ricky, darling! 268 00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,910 Mmm! [smooching] 269 00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:22,976 Give us those beers. Put that in the fridge. 270 00:10:23,110 --> 00:10:24,610 Come here, you gorgeous thing. 271 00:10:24,743 --> 00:10:26,476 -[both smooching] -[Ellen chuckling] 272 00:10:26,610 --> 00:10:29,343 Mmm! [chuckling] 273 00:10:29,476 --> 00:10:30,276 Mmm! 274 00:10:34,010 --> 00:10:38,843 Mm. Mm! [chuckling] 275 00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:41,810 -[both smooching] -[Ellen chuckling] 276 00:10:41,943 --> 00:10:43,176 Yeah, all right! 277 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,310 [bright upbeat music] 278 00:10:46,443 --> 00:10:49,343 [pins clattering] 279 00:10:49,476 --> 00:10:52,176 Ah, Steven. I'm Martin Aynuss. 280 00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:53,776 -All right. -Hope you don't mind, 281 00:10:53,910 --> 00:10:55,943 but I also brought along my assistant, Sheryl Whelk. 282 00:10:56,076 --> 00:10:57,643 Okay. 283 00:10:57,776 --> 00:10:59,310 You're dressed very smartly. Have you just stepped ashore? 284 00:10:59,443 --> 00:11:01,810 It's a costume. Someone poured petrol on me earlier. 285 00:11:01,943 --> 00:11:03,943 All right. Would you like to start? 286 00:11:04,110 --> 00:11:06,610 Yeah, let's not toss for it or any of that bullshit. 287 00:11:26,743 --> 00:11:27,976 I've not played in a while. 288 00:11:28,110 --> 00:11:29,410 Somebody must have changed the rules. 289 00:11:29,543 --> 00:11:31,276 What are those things at the end? 290 00:11:31,410 --> 00:11:32,843 They're skittles. 291 00:11:32,976 --> 00:11:34,443 Why are there skittles? 292 00:11:34,576 --> 00:11:37,010 And shouldn't I be stood on grass? 293 00:11:37,143 --> 00:11:38,843 I think what may have happened here 294 00:11:38,976 --> 00:11:41,110 is you've confused tenpin bowling with bowls. 295 00:11:41,210 --> 00:11:42,376 Okay. 296 00:11:42,510 --> 00:11:43,476 Yeah, it's just a bigger ball, that's all. 297 00:11:43,610 --> 00:11:45,676 If you wanna roll this one 298 00:11:45,810 --> 00:11:47,310 towards the skittles down the end of the lane, 299 00:11:47,443 --> 00:11:48,910 give that a go. 300 00:11:49,110 --> 00:11:50,843 I presume it's underarm? 301 00:11:52,176 --> 00:11:54,810 [ball thudding] 302 00:12:02,776 --> 00:12:04,776 [majestic fanfare music] 303 00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:06,610 More like that? 304 00:12:06,743 --> 00:12:08,110 [upbeat pop-rock music] 305 00:12:08,176 --> 00:12:10,810 [ball thudding] 306 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,410 [ball thudding] 307 00:12:19,876 --> 00:12:22,510 [ball thudding] 308 00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:26,876 -[ball slams] -Oof! 309 00:12:27,010 --> 00:12:28,710 [Steven] Shit. 310 00:12:28,843 --> 00:12:29,743 24, take four. 311 00:12:29,876 --> 00:12:32,110 [clapper claps] 312 00:12:32,176 --> 00:12:33,110 [Mr. Fasili] Start acting. 313 00:12:34,443 --> 00:12:36,643 There's something very dodgy going on here. 314 00:12:36,776 --> 00:12:38,410 Which is your real name? 315 00:12:38,543 --> 00:12:40,576 Prince Philip or the Duke of Edinburgh? 316 00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:44,243 [Philip] I say, this is rather unsatisfactory. 317 00:12:44,376 --> 00:12:47,210 For most people, one name is enough, but not for you. 318 00:12:47,343 --> 00:12:48,510 [Philip] How dare you! 319 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,543 Look, Duke, we all know you're the murderer. 320 00:12:51,676 --> 00:12:53,276 Your life of privilege 321 00:12:53,410 --> 00:12:56,876 and being carried around by servants won't save you now. 322 00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,510 Casual racism is one thing, 323 00:12:59,643 --> 00:13:02,976 but this time you've bitten off more than you can chew. 324 00:13:04,510 --> 00:13:06,643 Are you finished with my husband? 325 00:13:06,776 --> 00:13:08,443 Get her out of here. 326 00:13:08,576 --> 00:13:12,476 [gentle chiming music] 327 00:13:12,610 --> 00:13:17,110 Uptight, uncomfortable, self-conscious. 328 00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:18,743 They say you're the perfect man 329 00:13:18,876 --> 00:13:20,410 to front their Lax-A-Daisy campaign. 330 00:13:20,543 --> 00:13:21,343 I'm not doing it. 331 00:13:21,476 --> 00:13:22,643 Such a shame. 332 00:13:23,976 --> 00:13:25,976 Play constipation so beautifully. 333 00:13:26,110 --> 00:13:27,610 They really want you. 334 00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:30,810 Who else did they ask? Portillo? 335 00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:31,743 Portillo, yes. 336 00:13:31,876 --> 00:13:32,676 Obvious choice. 337 00:13:32,810 --> 00:13:33,976 No, he turned them down, 338 00:13:34,110 --> 00:13:35,310 he's off doing his train journeys. 339 00:13:35,443 --> 00:13:37,410 You're not gonna trap me into this, Jane. 340 00:13:37,543 --> 00:13:39,543 I'm not gonna advertise laxatives. 341 00:13:39,676 --> 00:13:40,610 Remember Derek Sibling? 342 00:13:40,743 --> 00:13:42,143 Yes, Derek Sibling. 343 00:13:42,276 --> 00:13:43,810 Now, he was very good. 344 00:13:43,943 --> 00:13:45,476 Brightest in his year at RADA. 345 00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:48,343 Trod out one of the best Henry V's this fella's ever seen. 346 00:13:48,476 --> 00:13:50,110 All going well for him 347 00:13:50,176 --> 00:13:51,510 and he bursts onto the TV 348 00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:53,976 clutching his guts advertising laxatives. 349 00:13:54,110 --> 00:13:55,276 Then 350 00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:56,510 -[stamps foot] -[clicks fingers] 351 00:13:56,643 --> 00:13:57,810 goodnight, sweetheart. 352 00:13:59,410 --> 00:14:00,910 All right, I'll let them know. 353 00:14:01,910 --> 00:14:03,576 Anyway, I don't need the money. 354 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:06,110 I've got that film thing. Last day tomorrow. 355 00:14:06,243 --> 00:14:08,810 Can't wait to lodge that big fat check in Barclays 356 00:14:08,943 --> 00:14:10,843 at Fitzroy Square, oh, yeah! 357 00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:14,176 -Argh! -[Steven thuds] 358 00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:15,110 Toast? 359 00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:17,876 Toast? 360 00:14:20,010 --> 00:14:23,276 [tense dramatic music] 361 00:14:31,510 --> 00:14:33,576 I think it's safe to say, Mr. Fasili, 362 00:14:33,710 --> 00:14:36,543 that justice is being done here today. 363 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,710 Yes, Inspector Cavendish. 364 00:14:38,843 --> 00:14:41,410 He has paid the full price for murder. 365 00:14:41,543 --> 00:14:43,110 -I'm not surprised- -Also, 366 00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:45,543 for standing in the way of my British citizenship. 367 00:14:47,243 --> 00:14:50,576 The fiend is surely getting what he so richly deserves. 368 00:14:50,710 --> 00:14:51,943 Look at him! 369 00:14:52,110 --> 00:14:55,176 Die in a cowardly fashion, like a dog! 370 00:14:55,310 --> 00:14:56,843 I'm not surprised to see him 371 00:14:56,976 --> 00:15:00,343 begging for his life in such a pathetic, unmanly manner. 372 00:15:00,476 --> 00:15:03,310 The royal family has no place in modern British society. 373 00:15:03,443 --> 00:15:05,210 I spit on them. [spits] 374 00:15:05,343 --> 00:15:07,810 I admire you for saying so, Mr. Fasili. 375 00:15:07,943 --> 00:15:11,010 They are a bunch of no-good, cheap bastards. 376 00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:14,476 [drum rolling] 377 00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:18,443 [lever cranks] 378 00:15:18,576 --> 00:15:19,176 -[rope cracks] -[bone crunching] 379 00:15:19,310 --> 00:15:20,110 Bravo! 380 00:15:20,176 --> 00:15:22,976 [all applauding] 381 00:15:24,143 --> 00:15:25,443 Bravo! 382 00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:29,343 [gentle dramatic rock music] 383 00:15:32,743 --> 00:15:37,543 * This whole scene is beneath me * 384 00:15:39,276 --> 00:15:44,143 * I'll rise above what's not good enough * 385 00:15:45,810 --> 00:15:50,710 * Remove myself and politely * 386 00:15:52,676 --> 00:15:54,376 * Decline * 387 00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:59,410 * It strains upon my heart * 388 00:16:00,810 --> 00:16:05,110 * This whole life is beneath me * 389 00:16:06,643 --> 00:16:11,510 * I'll rise above what's not good enough * 390 00:16:13,243 --> 00:16:18,143 * Remove myself and politely * 391 00:16:20,176 --> 00:16:21,810 * Decline * 392 00:16:21,943 --> 00:16:25,443 * It strains upon my heart * 393 00:16:27,143 --> 00:16:31,610 [gentle dramatic rock music continues] 394 00:16:57,576 --> 00:16:58,976 [cork pops] 395 00:16:59,110 --> 00:17:01,476 -[light upbeat] -[party guests chattering] 396 00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:04,510 I'm glad that we compromised on the word "bastards." 397 00:17:04,643 --> 00:17:06,276 "Cocksuckers" didn't seem right, 398 00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,110 not for the entire royal family. 399 00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:09,676 I mean, Princess Michael of Kent. 400 00:17:09,810 --> 00:17:11,376 Well. 401 00:17:11,510 --> 00:17:13,376 It's a pity you missed the Benedict Cumberbatch scenes. 402 00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:16,110 He was sublime. 403 00:17:16,176 --> 00:17:17,210 Who? 404 00:17:17,343 --> 00:17:19,876 I do so love champagne, don't you? 405 00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:21,810 Yes, uh, Mr. Fasili, I wonder if I could ask you 406 00:17:21,943 --> 00:17:23,710 when will I receive payment? 407 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,110 Now. 408 00:17:25,243 --> 00:17:26,110 You have the check? 409 00:17:26,176 --> 00:17:27,576 Yes. 410 00:17:27,710 --> 00:17:28,943 Ah, could I- 411 00:17:29,110 --> 00:17:31,176 I just need to sign it. Do you have a pen? 412 00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:36,176 -No. -You are in rather a hurry. 413 00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:38,376 I'm in the middle of an acrimonious divorce settlement. 414 00:17:38,510 --> 00:17:40,576 I completely understand. 415 00:17:40,710 --> 00:17:43,243 I have a pen in my office, I shall sign it immediately. 416 00:17:44,176 --> 00:17:45,710 After all, 417 00:17:45,843 --> 00:17:48,776 you are the man who brought Prince Philip to justice. 418 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:52,710 [Steven laughs] 419 00:17:54,243 --> 00:17:56,276 [chuckles] I shall be back in a minute. 420 00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,176 Help yourself to more champagne, Toast. 421 00:17:59,676 --> 00:18:02,610 [Mr. Fasili laughs] 422 00:18:06,343 --> 00:18:07,276 [water splashing] 423 00:18:07,410 --> 00:18:08,110 [bystander screams] 424 00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:09,110 Oh, God. 425 00:18:10,543 --> 00:18:12,110 Out of my way, come on! 426 00:18:13,143 --> 00:18:15,143 Mr. Fasili, where are you? 427 00:18:15,276 --> 00:18:16,343 Did you sign the check? 428 00:18:16,476 --> 00:18:17,976 You there! 429 00:18:18,110 --> 00:18:20,276 Did you see him sign the check before he fell overboard? 430 00:18:20,410 --> 00:18:21,443 Did you see him sign the check? 431 00:18:21,576 --> 00:18:23,110 Oh, God. 432 00:18:23,243 --> 00:18:24,310 Damn you to hell! 433 00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:27,943 [gentle chiming music] 434 00:18:28,110 --> 00:18:29,576 It mentions the film. 435 00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,376 Says it may now never get released. 436 00:18:32,510 --> 00:18:33,576 Oh, I don't mind that so much. 437 00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:34,910 It's not being paid the 60,000. 438 00:18:35,110 --> 00:18:36,743 It's not being paid the 60,000. 439 00:18:36,876 --> 00:18:38,643 Jane's gonna look into it, but she's not hopeful. 440 00:18:38,776 --> 00:18:40,010 It seems he owes millions. 441 00:18:40,143 --> 00:18:41,343 It's funny how these things always surface 442 00:18:41,476 --> 00:18:42,676 after someone dies. 443 00:18:42,810 --> 00:18:43,810 Someone who won't be surfacing is Fasili. 444 00:18:43,943 --> 00:18:44,843 He weighed a tonne. 445 00:18:44,976 --> 00:18:46,210 Sank like a stone. 446 00:18:46,343 --> 00:18:47,676 Apparently, he had an extra-large life buoy 447 00:18:47,810 --> 00:18:49,310 in case he fell overboard. 448 00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:51,143 Well, he managed to squeeze into that but still sank, 449 00:18:51,276 --> 00:18:52,476 dragged the life buoy down with him. 450 00:18:52,610 --> 00:18:53,310 -Really? -I mean, I'd have 451 00:18:53,443 --> 00:18:54,643 thought that impossible. 452 00:18:54,776 --> 00:18:57,543 But there again, he was fucking huge. 453 00:18:57,676 --> 00:18:59,276 The thing is, Ellen's been pestering me 454 00:18:59,410 --> 00:19:00,443 for that divorce settlement money. 455 00:19:00,576 --> 00:19:02,143 Ah, tough times, Toast, 456 00:19:02,276 --> 00:19:04,376 but I'm sure you have absolutely 457 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:05,876 nothing to be worried about. 458 00:19:06,010 --> 00:19:07,876 [upbeat music] 459 00:19:08,010 --> 00:19:09,943 [train rumbling] 460 00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:12,110 [Thug] You better sort that cash out as soon as possible! 461 00:19:12,176 --> 00:19:13,676 Who are you again? 462 00:19:13,810 --> 00:19:16,010 'Cause I don't recognise you from my wife's legal team. 463 00:19:16,143 --> 00:19:18,410 Never mind who we are, you'd better pay up! 464 00:19:18,543 --> 00:19:20,710 You're not connected to Ricky, are you? 465 00:19:20,843 --> 00:19:21,710 -No. -It's just that I saw you 466 00:19:21,843 --> 00:19:22,910 jump out of his van. 467 00:19:24,476 --> 00:19:26,110 No. 468 00:19:26,176 --> 00:19:27,743 We don't know anyone called Ricky. 469 00:19:30,443 --> 00:19:33,110 Hang on. You're in that play, ain't ya? 470 00:19:33,243 --> 00:19:34,143 -What? -Remember that play 471 00:19:34,276 --> 00:19:35,776 we went to with Dave? 472 00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:37,976 Young Simon here, first time he's ever been to the theatre 473 00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:39,343 and sees that load of rubbish! 474 00:19:39,476 --> 00:19:41,576 You may have put him off the theatre for life! 475 00:19:41,710 --> 00:19:44,576 Pinter, Stoppard, David Hare, 476 00:19:44,710 --> 00:19:46,210 he's never gonna give 'em a chance. 477 00:19:46,343 --> 00:19:48,543 Well, there's been extensive rewrites. 478 00:19:48,676 --> 00:19:49,876 By Ben Elton. 479 00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:50,976 I should give you a bloody good hiding 480 00:19:51,110 --> 00:19:52,243 just for that play alone, 481 00:19:52,376 --> 00:19:53,810 but if you don't sort that wonga out, 482 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,743 Ben Elton will be rewriting your bloody obituary! 483 00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:58,110 So you better get that money, right? 484 00:19:58,243 --> 00:20:01,043 Doesn't matter how, just get that money! 485 00:20:01,176 --> 00:20:02,443 Yes. 486 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,043 [cheerful music] 487 00:20:04,176 --> 00:20:07,076 Put constipation behind you. 488 00:20:07,210 --> 00:20:12,043 New formula Lax-A-Daisy restores your body's regularity 489 00:20:13,643 --> 00:20:17,776 so that you can work and relax every day without anxiety. 490 00:20:18,576 --> 00:20:20,110 [glasses clinking] 491 00:20:20,243 --> 00:20:24,843 Lax-A-Daisy doesn't cause excess gas or dizziness. 492 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,176 It just lets you step back into the natural rhythm of life. 493 00:20:35,543 --> 00:20:36,643 [Jane laughing] 494 00:20:36,776 --> 00:20:38,343 [audience laughing] 495 00:20:38,476 --> 00:20:40,543 -Yes, very good, Steven. -Bravo! 496 00:20:40,676 --> 00:20:43,110 I wasn't sure about the wig at first, but it works. 497 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,643 May I introduce you to Howard Bugowitz, 498 00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:46,076 chairman of Lax-A-Daisy in New York. 499 00:20:46,210 --> 00:20:48,676 My God, that was terrific! 500 00:20:48,810 --> 00:20:51,876 Everyone at Cartwright and Aynuss is very pleased. 501 00:20:52,010 --> 00:20:53,943 We'd like to sign you up for a long-term contract 502 00:20:54,076 --> 00:20:56,976 to be the face of Lax-A-Daisy for the next five years. 503 00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:59,143 Well, that's tremendous news. 504 00:20:59,276 --> 00:21:00,843 Maybe we could even make it 10 years. 505 00:21:00,976 --> 00:21:02,610 We can talk figures on Monday, Jane. 506 00:21:02,743 --> 00:21:04,276 Perfect. 507 00:21:04,410 --> 00:21:07,243 I'm sure Martin will make us a very generous offer, Toast. 508 00:21:07,376 --> 00:21:08,510 I don't wanna talk about this now. 509 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:09,843 I've gotta rush off and do my play. 510 00:21:09,976 --> 00:21:11,310 Whoa! No, no, no! 511 00:21:11,443 --> 00:21:12,676 Come upstairs! 512 00:21:12,810 --> 00:21:13,976 We're gonna have a bit of a party. 513 00:21:14,110 --> 00:21:16,443 No. Last party I went to, someone drowned. 514 00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:17,610 Come on, we can share the taxi. 515 00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:19,010 Yes. 516 00:21:19,143 --> 00:21:20,176 Talk Monday. 517 00:21:21,676 --> 00:21:23,176 Great casting, Marty. 518 00:21:23,310 --> 00:21:25,343 That guy really has a bung up his ass. 519 00:21:25,476 --> 00:21:27,776 -[light upbeat music] -[glasses clinking] 520 00:21:27,910 --> 00:21:29,110 Anyone could have played that role. 521 00:21:29,176 --> 00:21:32,110 No, no, no, you were perfect. 522 00:21:32,176 --> 00:21:35,443 It's a bloody long way from "The King's Speech." 523 00:21:35,576 --> 00:21:37,410 Pull over here, please. 524 00:21:37,543 --> 00:21:39,810 [Jane] Yeah. I don't have any cash, Toast. 525 00:21:39,943 --> 00:21:41,576 Oh, for Pete's sake, Jane! 526 00:21:44,343 --> 00:21:45,543 [taxi door slams] 527 00:21:45,676 --> 00:21:47,776 There's an extra 20 to take her home. 528 00:21:48,843 --> 00:21:50,443 [taxi engine revving] 529 00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:52,443 Oh, dear, I think he's died. 530 00:21:52,576 --> 00:21:54,343 Does anybody know anything about him? 531 00:21:54,476 --> 00:21:55,276 Let me through. 532 00:21:56,876 --> 00:21:59,910 Yes, I know him, though I haven't seen him in some time. 533 00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:01,743 It's the actor Derek Sibling. 534 00:22:03,510 --> 00:22:05,810 The brightest in his year at RADA. 535 00:22:05,943 --> 00:22:09,243 Trod out one of the best Henry V's this fella's ever seen. 536 00:22:09,376 --> 00:22:11,010 All going well for him, 537 00:22:11,143 --> 00:22:14,310 then he bursts onto the television clutching his guts 538 00:22:14,443 --> 00:22:16,310 in a laxative ad. 539 00:22:16,443 --> 00:22:19,676 Then [clicks fingers] goodnight, sweetheart. 540 00:22:27,143 --> 00:22:29,976 Sorry, I'm late, Charlotte. There was an incident outside. 541 00:22:30,110 --> 00:22:31,210 Tramp dead on the pavement. 542 00:22:31,343 --> 00:22:32,910 I knew him, actually, Derek Sibling. 543 00:22:33,110 --> 00:22:35,110 -Derek Sibling the actor? -Yes. 544 00:22:35,176 --> 00:22:36,810 Wasn't he supposed to be very good? 545 00:22:36,943 --> 00:22:38,210 Very good? 546 00:22:38,343 --> 00:22:40,176 Brightest in his year at RADA. 547 00:22:40,310 --> 00:22:42,110 Trod out one of the best... 548 00:22:42,176 --> 00:22:44,176 Won't bore you with the detail. 549 00:22:44,310 --> 00:22:47,243 Promising career cut short by one fatal decision. 550 00:22:47,376 --> 00:22:48,210 -Oh? -Strangely fitting 551 00:22:48,343 --> 00:22:49,710 grand finale, you might say. 552 00:22:49,843 --> 00:22:51,276 What do you mean, Mr. Toast? 553 00:22:52,176 --> 00:22:53,743 He shat himself. 554 00:22:53,876 --> 00:22:56,110 -Yes! -[audience booing] 555 00:22:56,210 --> 00:22:57,843 [Audience Member] Caliban is shit! 556 00:22:57,976 --> 00:23:01,476 [bright upbeat rock music]