[chimes twinkle melodically]
Up periscope.
Down periscope.
-[talkback button clicks] -Hi, Steven.
This is Clem Fandango.
What, the work experience boy?
Yeah, can you hear me, Steven?
Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Where's that other prick?
Danny?
He's DJing at a music festival this weekend.
Yeah, just to be clear,
so these'll be heard on every submarine in the Royal Navy?
Yeah, they're just automating
and digitising everything, you know.
The commander presses a button,
and the recording of your voice will be heard immediately.
Yeah, I'm not interested in all that.
Can we just crack on?
Fire the nuclear weapons!
-[talkback button clicks] -Steven, that was good,
but do you think you could give it another try?
This time, say it in a less alarming way.
Less alarming?
I've just given the order to fire the nuclear weapons.
I've just unleashed Armageddon!
Yes, but the feeling here
is that you could do it in a way
which is a little less dramatic.
It's just a little bit over the top at the moment.
Have fun with it.
Fire the nuclear weapons!
That was a little bit too far the other way,
a bit too, um, jolly.
You know, why don't you just try it a few more times?
Fire the nuclear weapons!
Fire the nuclear weapons?
Fire the nuclear weapons!
[exclaims dramatically]
Do you wanna move on to the next one, Steven?
We can come back to that later.
Abandon the vessel immediately.
["Take My Hand" by Matt Berry]
[melancholic music continues]
So, they put the lot of them out in the field
and they started eating grass.
Sorry, Ed, I don't understand.
You don't eat grass, you smoke it.
Not if you're a cow.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were talking about the Rolling Stones.
No.
Day off, Toast?
Yes, I'm meeting Portia de Coogan.
-The nurse? -Yep.
Strange career choice
for the daughter of Lord Fotheringham.
-Who's he? -He's very close to Cameron.
Looks in line for a top job
at the next Cabinet reshuffle.
He's come a long way since being
a producer at Radio 1 in the '70s.
Portia's definitely my type.
We have exactly the same sense of humour.
I told her a joke last week.
She found it extremely amusing!
Did she laugh heartily?
No.
She doesn't show any external signs of enjoyment.
But I know she finds me very funny
and great company.
♪ She was a girl of the forest ♪
♪ A virgin, they say ♪
Whoa, Ed, that's really loud!
How do you think Iain Duncan Smith's
doing at Work and Pensions?
Sorry, Toast.
I shouldn't talk politics at the breakfast table.
You know, I met Thatcher once at Lionel Blair's house.
Surprised to see her drink Heineken from a can.
You know, when I started courting my wife,
she used to dress up as Mrs Thatcher.
[Toast exhales]
-[soft guitar music] -The blue twinset.
Slowly undoing her buttons to reveal
no-nonsense M&S underwear.
Hm.
Yours truly relishing the role of the blimpish Denis,
[Toast judders]
obeying her every command.
Ever interested in anything like that, Toast?
-Powerful women? -Mm.
Maybe in uniform?
[Toast groans]
[sultry music]
-[fingers snap] -[Toast groans]
You all right, Toast?
Sorry, Ed, I must have drifted off there.
[bright music]
Toast, I'm a little uncomfortable here.
I don't think I should be wearing my nurse's uniform.
-But you're a nurse. -Yes, but...
And you've just come off the night shift.
I should have gone home and changed.
No!
That would have been a massive waste of time.
Look, we'll have a couple of drinks here,
then maybe go and see a film.
How about a comedy?
I love to laugh.
Toast, I've been meaning to talk to you.
-You're talking to me now. -Yes.
It's about the sense of humour issue.
I have a terrific sense of humour.
It's just very dry.
Often mistaken for having no sense of humour at all,
much like Mandelson
or Nigel Mansell.
-Who? -Same as my father before me.
And my aunts.
You know, my family were known as the dry Toasts.
Really?
Ellen, my soon to be ex-wife,
thought I literally couldn't see the funny side of anything.
She's quite wrong.
It's just very, very dry.
I think it's about time you met my father.
-[Toast groans] -He has the most
wonderful sense of humour,
and it's very important that you laugh at his jokes.
But you may not be able to tell
what is a joke and what isn't.
Well, maybe if you tell me what his jokes were beforehand,
then I'd know when to laugh.
Well, Father doesn't write actual jokes
for his conversations.
He tends to be more spontaneous.
He just may make, for example,
well, an off-the-cuff remark about Boris Johnson,
and you'll have to laugh at it.
Okay.
So, he mentions Boris Johnson
-and I'll laugh. -No.
But he may mention Boris Johnson
not in the context of a joke.
Well, how's that possible?
Listen.
I have a friend of a friend.
-Mm-hm? -He's a stand-up comedian
-called Russell House. -[Toast groans irritably]
In order for us to keep seeing each other,
you need to be a little funnier.
I asked Russell to email me some funny lines
and amusing quips that you could try out.
"I'm going up to Edinburgh next month.
I've been so busy.
But I think there's some good stuff here."
Yeah, I could try something like that.
Anything with a Scots reference is usually quite funny.
No, no, that's just the first line of the email to me.
That's not a joke.
Did you think that was a joke?
No.
[phone beeps]
Toast.
[Jane] Dubbing request just in.
Bloody hell, Jane!
It's my day off!
They just need you to do some more voice-overs
for the nuclear submarine.
I thought I'd finished all that
"up periscope, down periscope" jazz.
They just need a few additions.
They are paying you handsomely for this, Toast.
It's the Ministry of Defence.
Cobra, to be precise.
One doesn't say no to Cobra.
Well, how long will I be there?
Oh, they're complete perfectionists, the Royal Navy.
I'd say about
three and a half hours.
-Mm. -[receiver rattles]
Oh, God.
Yes, please.
Bloody hell.
Stay where you are, Portia de Coogan.
I'll be right back.
Well, how long will you be?
Three and a half hours.
[bright music]
Okay, Steven, thanks for coming in at such a short notice.
Really appreciate it.
You ready to go?
In your own time.
Disem [coughs] bark.
Sorry, I'll do that again.
No, that's fine.
-What? -That's fine, Steven,
you got it in one.
I coughed halfway through it.
Didn't notice anything. I...
That's perfect, Steven.
We've got all the voice-overs.
Now you're free to go.
What, so that's it?
Well, they told me I'd be here for three and a half hours.
I broke into a romantic date for this.
I could be in the cinema laughing my arse off!
Well, you're free now, Steven.
That's all we need.
Yeah?
Well, fuck you three!
[bright melodic music]
Steven!
Blair, what the hell are you doing here?
Is that a new hand?
Oh, yes, usual one's getting fixed.
Toby told me you were doing
more voice-overs for the submarine.
Called the studio.
They said you'd be here.
What's that got to do with you?
And who the hell is Toby?
Do you mean the vice commander of the sub,
second in charge?
The Navy is his whole life.
He's the complete opposite of the kind of
pinko long-hairs you run with.
He's immensely proud of this submarine.
She's been completely refurbished.
Almost everything is run by computers.
The only thing they physically have to do
is put out the rubbish when they dock in port.
So, who's the new commander?
-What? -Who's the new commander?
[someone wolf whistles]
I'm Commander Susan Scott-Gorham.
Is one of you gentlemen Steven Toast?
I am the Steven Toast that you require.
-This is my brother Blair. -[Blair growls]
Well, I wanted to let you know
how much we appreciate your voice-over work on this.
Well, it's very good of you to come.
We're all very proud of our newly refurbished submarine,
the Penetrator.
Penetrator?
Mm, that's a great name.
Surprised it hasn't been taken already.
In Equity, there was another actor called Steven Toast,
so he had to change his name to Chris Bread.
-Crisp Bread? -No, Chris Bread.
Should have been you who changed your name.
The disgrace!
A Toast in the acting game.
You must come to the relaunch.
It's tomorrow afternoon.
Steven is in a play here in London.
I'm afraid he won't be able to.
I'd love to.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will be in attendance.
Do you know them?
I'm afraid I don't know any of the minor royals.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
are Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Oh, yes, by, by minor royals,
I meant royals that aren't the Queen.
Well, I hope you both can come.
Good day, gentlemen.
Can you believe someone like that
is commanding a royal submarine?
You know, a strumpet like that
can just waltz in, get the top job.
It's your lot at the Guardian.
Political correctness gone off the bloody scale!
She seems perfectly capable to me.
A girl in charge of our nuclear sub?
Might as well hand it over to the Monty Python team!
Who?
Oh, I haven't got time to sit here
talking nonsense with you in this bugger house!
I'm off!
[gentle rhythmic music]
[Toast inhales deeply]
[Toast groans lustfully]
Oh, God.
Ah.
You'd forgotten your hat.
[bright music]
Shit.
Ah, there she is.
[belt rustling]
[single knock on door]
-Oh, God. -Cocoa time.
Yeah, just put it there, Ed.
Ah.
Letter came for you.
I put it downstairs on the table.
Yes, I got it.
Nice royalty cheque from that TV miniseries
I did a few years ago.
Which?
The prequel to Brideshead Revisited.
Oh, yes, what was that called?
Brideshead.
Of course.
So, how are you getting on with Portia?
She wants me to meet her father.
Apparently the old bugger's
got some fondness for jokes,
and Portia's very keen that I'm amusing in his company.
So, you need some jokes, do you?
Well, not jokes as such.
Well, maybe little things to say
so that people think you're fun.
Well, such as?
Well, you know, simple phrases taxi drivers use.
Like, "I believe you, thousands wouldn't."
Um, "What can I do you for?"
as opposed to "What can I do for you?"
-No. -Don't give up the day job.
That's very useful when you...
No, Ed.
They're not jokes as such.
They're just little things to say.
Yes, probably fine in the hands of taxi drivers
or Cockneys or even Geordies.
But if I was to say anything like that,
people would think I was fucking crackers.
Or maybe you could try something like,
when somebody says to you,
"Didn't I see you on telly last night?"
You say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch."
I don't get it.
When someone says, "Didn't I see you on telly last night?"
And then you say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch UK,"
-and they say... -No, just Crimewatch.
The UK ruins it 'cause the rhythm...
Yeah, don't waste your time, Ed.
It's not gonna work.
Sleep well, Toast.
[soft psychedelic music]
♪ Help me step out of my life ♪
♪ Leave behind my troubles fear and strife ♪
♪ Would you take me far away with you ♪
♪ In your uniform so smart and new ♪
[soft psychedelic instrumental music]
♪ We could sail the seven seas ♪
♪ Hand in hand we could march victoriously ♪
♪ I would always feel so safe with you ♪
♪ In your uniform so smart and new ♪
[soft psychedelic instrumental music]
[seagulls crying]
Have you actually seen the royal couple?
-William and Kate? -Mm.
Yes, I was just chatting to them.
It transpires that none of us
has ever had to change a duvet cover.
Ah! Ha!
Well, of course, Toby is related to the happy couple.
On the, er, right side, I should add.
My father is the Queen's fifth cousin.
Wonderful.
[Toast] Drink, Toby?
No, I'm sorry to be frightfully boring, but, er,
still on duty.
Better not.
Yeah, yeah, course, course.
Anyone seen the commander around?
Actually I haven't seen her today, no.
Excuse me a few moments.
I have some things to take care of.
Yes, yes, of course. [chuckles awkwardly]
Why the hell did you mention that bloody woman?
Must be killing him that a tart like her
should be in charge of this magnificent vessel.
Of course, if he was an Afro-Caribbean lesbian
running the Notting Hill Carnival,
he'd be in charge of the entire bloody Navy by now.
Do you know, I've never been on a submarine before?
I might go for a bit of a wander.
Might bump into the commander.
Don't stray into any unauthorised areas.
[metal stairs clanking]
Hm.
[inhales deeply] Ooh.
-Toast! -[Toast startles]
I'm surprised to see you here.
I did the voice-over for the submarine, remember.
Oh, yes.
Well, this is my father, Lord Fotheringham.
Father, this is Steven Toast!
[Fotheringham growls softly]
Sorry?
Mm, low grumble...
What's that?
It's just a low grumble.
Ah.
Er, it's nice to meet you at last.
Erm, Portia tells me you have a terrific sense of humour.
Much like myself.
What are you doing in an unauthorised area? [growls]
Hm, well, I might ask you the same question.
I'm the Minister of Defence.
Really?
There was a reshuffle this morning.
Is Duncan Smith still at Work and Pensions?
[Fotheringham] Hm [growls] low grumble.
How about Boris Johnson for the top job?
[Fotheringham growls]
I said, Boris Johnson.
[growls] I have to leave now.
Yes.
Father is giving a speech.
Are you coming?
Is that the commander's hat?
Er, yes.
She must have dropped it.
She's around here somewhere.
[growls] Grumble grumble.
What the hell are you up to, Toast?
[Toast inhales deeply]
-Steven? -[Toast startles]
Oh, you haven't seen the commander, have you?
I wonder, could I have a quick word?
Something I want to talk to you about.
Won't take a second.
This way.
Care for a brandy?
A brandy?
Er, yes, please.
You're not having one yourself?
-Still on duty. -Oh, of course.
Bottoms up!
So, Blair tells me you're in show business.
Well, yes, I'm an actor.
Well, the Navy must seem frightfully stuffy
for someone who's used to hanging around with people like
Benedict Cumberbatch.
-Who? -Listen,
there aren't too many people in the Navy
I'd be able to discuss this with,
but someone in your field may be a tad more,
understanding.
-Fire away. -Well,
one night, about a month ago,
I was driving from Portsmouth to Cowes, along a back road,
when I saw a strange light in the sky.
-[soft mysterious music] -Right.
And I began to realise
that it was some sort of craft.
and then a door in the side of the craft suddenly opened
and strange, alien-like creatures began to emerge.
Well, at that point I suddenly passed out,
and the next thing I remember was waking up
with the distinct impression
that the aliens had inserted some sort of anal probe...
[Toast exclaims]
I was also left with the conviction
that they expected me to carry out some sort of task.
They wanted me to launch a nuclear attack
against the United States of America.
Could I have another brandy?
Do.
Forgive me for talking about this, Toast.
I've only revealed it to you because you're an actor.
Imagine trying to explain this to the Minister of Defence.
Especially the new one.
Fotheringham?
Yes.
Although I don't think he'll be around for too long.
Very strong rumours about that he's going to be arrested
for misdemeanours at the BBC.
-Really? -The aliens chose me
because I have access to nuclear weapons on this submarine.
So, you plan to go through with this attack?
Oh, yes.
The commander has the special codes
that need to be activated to launch an attack,
so I've tied her up and stuck her in the hold.
All I need to do is persuade her to hand them over.
Maybe you could help me with that as well.
Look, if I'm honest,
-I think you are... -[gun cocks]
Hm.
You will help,
won't you, Steven?
Yes!
[Commander grunts]
-All right, Commander, -[Commander gasping]
I'm sorry to have to break rank like this,
but I need to have those codes.
Sorry, just before you do that,
could I just...?
Ahhh!
Are you in on this too?
We're all in on this.
Me, Vice Commander Hopkinson-Finch,
and the aliens from the planet
A-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Have they been in contact with you as well?
What?
Look, just give him the codes.
I've got to be at the theatre at 7.30.
I need a direct order from the Prime Minister!
Oh, the aliens have been in touch with the Prime Minister.
I'm expecting a phone call any minute.
Just give me the codes.
Look, you give me the codes
and I'll write them down.
Oh.
Okay, er.
Six,
14.
Um...
Ooh!
I don't have a pen.
Oh, um...
Hit him!
[punch whacks]
-[upbeat music] -Help!
-[punch whacks] -[Toby groans]
Help!
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the official relaunch of the Penetrator.
[crowd applaud politely]
It gives me great pleasure
on my very first day as Defence Minister
to launch this magnificently refurbished vessel.
-[upbeat music] -[both grunting]
Help!
I don't suppose you fancy
going for a drink some time, do you?
What?
[Toast grunts]
[klaxon blares]
[PA system screeches]
[Toast's Recording] Up periscope.
Down periscope.
Launch the nuclear weapons.
Abandon the vessel.
Sorry.
-[klaxon blares] -Help!
[Toast's Recording] The rubbish has been unloaded.
Afternoon tea is being served.
Please keep your belongings
-with you at all times. -[all grunting]
[klaxon blaring]
Remember to wash your hands
after handling the torpedoes.
Disem [coughs] bark.
Okay.
[upbeat music]
I assured the Prime Minister
that I would not be all at sea.
[Portia laughs]
[crowd chuckle pompously]
[upbeat action music]
[Commander yells]
But I've come an awfully long way
since those pioneering days at BBC Radio 1.
[upbeat action music]
-At that time, -[hatch squeaks]
I was mainly concerned with airwaves,
not the kind of waves that we're surrounded by today.
-Ha! -[Blair chuckling]
[both grunting]
[all grunting]
Yes.
-[all grunt and yell] -40 years.
How society has changed.
But one thing remains unchanged.
The commitment of the Government
to the men and women of the Royal Navy,
who do such a valuable job
as Britain faces the challenges
of an uncertain and dangerous world.
Lord Fotheringham?
Yes?
We need you to come to the station with us.
There have been some complaints from female staff at the BBC
dating back to the 1970s.
[scoffing] The 1970s?
But that's ages ago.
What are you standing around for?
There's a crazed alien nut job in there,
waving a piece at the commander!
Officers!
I've managed to overpower the vice commander
and he's under lock and key in the hold.
Sorry?
What's this about?
[Commander] The vice commander.
He was threatening to take over the vessel
and launch a nuclear strike.
Don't know anything about that, I'm afraid.
Oi!
[upbeat action music]
You don't have to chase him too, Toast!
I'm not chasing him.
I have to be at the theatre at 7.30.
["Rule Britannia" melody]
Good God, Toast!
Your brother-
Hm.
Wants to meet me for a drink.
You know, he really was quite impressive back there.
Well, perhaps he's considering
a career in the services,
even if it is only the Navy.
Well, his acting,
when he pretended to play along
with the vice commander's wishes,
was highly effective.
He's clearly a very capable performer.
As long as he stays away from comedy.
He has absolutely no sense of humour.
Well, funny you should say that.
Did you know our family were known as the dry Toasts?
-Yes, I do know that. -Right.
Well, I suppose the services' loss
is the theater's gain.
-[cheerful music] -[crowd yelling]
[Protesters] Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!
Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!
[crowd booing]
["Take my Hand" by Matt Berry]
[melancholic melodic music continues]