1
00:00:01,676 --> 00:00:05,310
The new TS4, it's the car
that literally goes va-room.

2
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:10,810
That's great.

3
00:00:10,943 --> 00:00:12,476
Oh, actually, Steven,
before you shoot off,

4
00:00:12,610 --> 00:00:13,876
there's a little thing
that's just come in.

5
00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:14,710
Do you mind?

6
00:00:14,843 --> 00:00:15,543
What is it?

7
00:00:15,676 --> 00:00:16,810
Hi, Steven.

8
00:00:16,943 --> 00:00:18,110
This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?

9
00:00:18,243 --> 00:00:19,710
Yes, I can hear
you, Clem Fandango.

10
00:00:19,843 --> 00:00:21,010
We'd like you to do this
charity thing for the radio.

11
00:00:21,143 --> 00:00:21,810
It won't take a second.

12
00:00:21,943 --> 00:00:22,810
Oh.

13
00:00:22,943 --> 00:00:24,610
Scripts in front of you, sir.

14
00:00:24,743 --> 00:00:26,376
Yeah, okay, I've got
it. Are we rolling?

15
00:00:26,510 --> 00:00:28,076
Yeah. Ready when
you are, Steven.

16
00:00:28,210 --> 00:00:31,310
Don't miss your
opportunity to experience

17
00:00:31,443 --> 00:00:34,210
Bon Jovi live up
close and personal.

18
00:00:34,343 --> 00:00:35,410
[producers laughing]

19
00:00:35,543 --> 00:00:36,676
Okay, you've gotta understand,

20
00:00:36,810 --> 00:00:38,343
I haven't got a clue
what that means.

21
00:00:38,476 --> 00:00:40,210
I mean, I'm guessing it's the
name of some kind of pop group

22
00:00:40,343 --> 00:00:41,676
or dance craze.

23
00:00:41,810 --> 00:00:43,343
Spot on, Steven.

24
00:00:43,476 --> 00:00:45,543
Also the bit underneath,
Steven, when you're ready.

25
00:00:47,010 --> 00:00:51,176
Where else could you see
Bon Jovi, Madam Gaga,

26
00:00:51,310 --> 00:00:54,343
and the Coldplay under one roof?

27
00:00:54,476 --> 00:00:56,510
[producers laughing]

28
00:00:56,643 --> 00:00:57,510
That's perfect.

29
00:00:57,643 --> 00:00:58,976
See you again soon, yeah?

30
00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:00,543
I sincerely hope not.

31
00:01:02,443 --> 00:01:05,643
[cheerful piano music]

32
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:31,143
What the hell happened
to Roy Hinock?

33
00:01:31,276 --> 00:01:33,976
Oh, I'm afraid I had to take
his picture off the wall.

34
00:01:34,110 --> 00:01:34,976
What, because of the-

35
00:01:35,110 --> 00:01:35,810
Yes, because of the...

36
00:01:35,943 --> 00:01:38,643
Anyway, pastures new.

37
00:01:38,776 --> 00:01:40,676
Ooh. Who's Sookie Houseboat?

38
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:42,210
Oh, she's come over from Derby.

39
00:01:42,343 --> 00:01:43,743
I knew I'd get her in the end.

40
00:01:43,876 --> 00:01:45,010
Things just weren't
working out for her there.

41
00:01:45,143 --> 00:01:46,843
I know how she feels.

42
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:49,610
Sookie Houseboat, I could
do with a slice of that.

43
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:50,543
Haven't had as much as a sniff

44
00:01:50,676 --> 00:01:52,010
since you-know-who cleared off.

45
00:01:53,310 --> 00:01:54,776
I'd get stuck into
that, no danger.

46
00:01:54,910 --> 00:01:56,376
Toast, please.

47
00:01:56,510 --> 00:01:58,776
Sorry, Jayne. Must
be the hot weather.

48
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,343
Plays havoc with
my blood pressure.

49
00:02:00,476 --> 00:02:03,610
I've no interest in
your carnal rumblings.

50
00:02:03,743 --> 00:02:06,710
My brother, Blair, calls
it the summer swell.

51
00:02:06,843 --> 00:02:09,110
They seem to be wearing
a lot less this season.

52
00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:11,476
You know, I had to loosen my
belt on the underground track.

53
00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:12,676
If you carry on, I will be sick.

54
00:02:12,810 --> 00:02:14,710
No, I will be sick.

55
00:02:19,210 --> 00:02:20,843
So what's going on?

56
00:02:20,976 --> 00:02:23,110
Ooh, Doctor Who.

57
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,143
You can fuck that sky high.

58
00:02:25,276 --> 00:02:27,576
Not after last time. No way.

59
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:30,610
Well, that's no way to
greet a fellow scientist.

60
00:02:30,743 --> 00:02:32,310
Would you like a Jelly Baby?

61
00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:36,243
We grow weary of your
adolescent diversions, doctor.

62
00:02:36,376 --> 00:02:38,443
Take him to the laboratory.

63
00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,343
I'm sure a dissection
on that brain

64
00:02:40,476 --> 00:02:42,376
could prove very useful to us.

65
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:43,310
Yes.

66
00:02:44,976 --> 00:02:46,710
I could have been
anyone in that mask.

67
00:02:46,843 --> 00:02:48,210
I felt like a top arsehole.

68
00:02:48,343 --> 00:02:50,476
Right, well, that is it.

69
00:02:52,643 --> 00:02:54,943
I'm not too happy at
the moment, Jayne.

70
00:02:55,110 --> 00:02:57,110
I feel like I'm in
a bit of a rut here.

71
00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,843
Maybe I should broaden
my horizons a little.

72
00:03:00,110 --> 00:03:04,443
The thing is, Toast, you don't
actually have any horizons.

73
00:03:04,576 --> 00:03:07,276
Well, that may be what
you think Jayne Plough,

74
00:03:07,410 --> 00:03:10,443
but there's a lot more to
Steven Toast than meets the eye.

75
00:03:10,576 --> 00:03:11,910
It's pronounced Plough,
as you well know.

76
00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:13,443
As in Brian Clough,
the sportsman.

77
00:03:13,576 --> 00:03:14,843
That's odd.

78
00:03:14,976 --> 00:03:17,276
She seemed to be able to
read my thoughts there.

79
00:03:17,410 --> 00:03:19,676
Now bugger off, Toast.
Some of us are working.

80
00:03:22,543 --> 00:03:23,376
Now.

81
00:03:27,110 --> 00:03:28,876
Morning, Toast. You're up early.

82
00:03:29,010 --> 00:03:30,210
Who's that boy?

83
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,376
Not one of yours, you
don't have children.

84
00:03:32,510 --> 00:03:34,343
Apparently it's
Brooklyn Beckham.

85
00:03:34,476 --> 00:03:37,510
Brooklyn Beckham? What, Becks
and Posh Spice's oldest?

86
00:03:37,643 --> 00:03:39,910
Yes. I downloaded the
image accidentally

87
00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:42,343
about a month ago, and I
can't get it off the screen.

88
00:03:42,476 --> 00:03:44,110
Oh, I can probably
help you with that.

89
00:03:44,176 --> 00:03:44,976
Let's see.

90
00:03:48,176 --> 00:03:49,010
Ed?

91
00:03:51,110 --> 00:03:52,676
Garlic!

92
00:03:52,810 --> 00:03:53,876
And there we are.

93
00:03:54,010 --> 00:03:55,976
Oh, what's that file?

94
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:59,710
Another Wife For
Henry by Paloma Toast.

95
00:03:59,843 --> 00:04:01,210
It's my new novel, Ed.

96
00:04:01,343 --> 00:04:02,943
Using a nom de plume, eh?

97
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,210
I've been working on
it for some weeks.

98
00:04:04,343 --> 00:04:06,376
I'm just pissed off with
all those voiceovers

99
00:04:06,510 --> 00:04:08,110
and appearing in that shit play.

100
00:04:08,243 --> 00:04:10,343
I'm even thinking about
getting a new agent.

101
00:04:10,476 --> 00:04:11,943
Do you know Brooke Huberman?

102
00:04:12,110 --> 00:04:13,476
Yes, I've heard of her.

103
00:04:13,610 --> 00:04:15,276
David Bowie told me he was
thinking of signing up with her

104
00:04:15,410 --> 00:04:17,376
when he was doing The
Elephant Man on Broadway.

105
00:04:17,510 --> 00:04:18,776
Then he just went
back to the pop scene.

106
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:22,176
Well, she's a hard nosed
American female bastard

107
00:04:22,310 --> 00:04:23,643
and that's exactly what I need.

108
00:04:23,776 --> 00:04:26,010
And she's in town and
she's agreed to meet me.

109
00:04:26,143 --> 00:04:27,410
So this novel,

110
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:29,543
sexy is it?

111
00:04:29,676 --> 00:04:30,910
I'd say.

112
00:04:31,110 --> 00:04:32,910
It's a cross between
Hilary Mantel's War 4

113
00:04:33,110 --> 00:04:34,376
and Fifty Shades of Grey.

114
00:04:34,510 --> 00:04:36,110
Oh, I've read 50 Shades.

115
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:37,610
Must say it's damn near my
favourite book of all time.

116
00:04:37,743 --> 00:04:39,310
It's superb.

117
00:04:39,443 --> 00:04:41,910
And like that book, my heroin
is a strong willed feminist

118
00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:43,610
who won't be
dominated by anyone.

119
00:04:43,743 --> 00:04:45,010
So what's the story about?

120
00:04:45,143 --> 00:04:46,110
I can read you
some, if you like.

121
00:04:46,243 --> 00:04:47,943
Oh, yes please.

122
00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:52,543
Henry VIII placed his
toothbrush beside Stephanie's.

123
00:04:52,676 --> 00:04:57,476
His, a dashing royal blue,
hers a luminous pink.

124
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:00,176
How harmonious they
looked together

125
00:05:00,310 --> 00:05:02,143
in the silver goblet
he had given her

126
00:05:02,276 --> 00:05:06,110
for Valentine's Day, 1541.

127
00:05:06,243 --> 00:05:09,576
"Oh, if only we could live
together," he thought,

128
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,810
remembering the time they
made love in his shed

129
00:05:11,943 --> 00:05:13,243
where the bows and
arrows were stored

130
00:05:13,376 --> 00:05:15,110
for the archery tournaments.

131
00:05:16,776 --> 00:05:18,276
So how does it end?

132
00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:22,776
Well, I was thinking that
it may not need an end.

133
00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:26,010
Oh, I don't think I've ever
read a book without an end.

134
00:05:26,143 --> 00:05:28,243
I'm experimenting with
a new literary form.

135
00:05:28,376 --> 00:05:29,576
So what are you
gonna do with it?

136
00:05:29,710 --> 00:05:31,276
Sort of, send it out to
potential publishers?

137
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:32,676
Already done.

138
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:33,676
And the fact that it
doesn't have an end,

139
00:05:33,810 --> 00:05:35,110
I think will work in my favour.

140
00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:37,476
I am very excited about this.

141
00:05:37,610 --> 00:05:39,110
Any replies from the publishers?

142
00:05:39,210 --> 00:05:42,143
None, but I'm hoping Huberman
will give it a good push.

143
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:43,143
Good for you, Toast.

144
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:44,543
Things are picking up at last.

145
00:05:44,676 --> 00:05:45,810
I think they are, Ed.

146
00:05:45,943 --> 00:05:47,710
And I'm gonna tell
her that I see myself

147
00:05:47,843 --> 00:05:49,710
very much at the
peak of my career.

148
00:05:49,843 --> 00:05:53,210
I can honestly say I've never
acted better in my life.

149
00:05:53,343 --> 00:05:57,410
There's always openings in
Hollywood for British actors,

150
00:05:57,543 --> 00:06:01,110
butlers and chauffeurs,
and that kind of shit.

151
00:06:01,176 --> 00:06:03,210
That's what I like to hear.

152
00:06:03,343 --> 00:06:06,276
Sorry about having
to meet you in a car.

153
00:06:06,410 --> 00:06:08,776
My office isn't quite ready yet.

154
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,410
I'm also about to embark
on a complimentary career

155
00:06:11,543 --> 00:06:12,710
as a novelist.

156
00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:18,543
I understand you have strong
contacts in the literary world.

157
00:06:18,676 --> 00:06:22,810
I do actually know a
publisher called Yvonne Riley.

158
00:06:22,943 --> 00:06:26,110
Had a bit of a nervous
breakdown due to over work,

159
00:06:26,210 --> 00:06:27,410
but she's back.

160
00:06:27,543 --> 00:06:30,843
If she likes a book, she
really gets behind it.

161
00:06:30,976 --> 00:06:32,843
Does this mean you're
taking me on as a client?

162
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,810
Do you have representation
at the moment?

163
00:06:35,943 --> 00:06:38,410
I'm with someone who's
basically as old as the pyramids

164
00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:41,243
and as dynamic as
a weather forecast.

165
00:06:41,376 --> 00:06:46,143
Sorry, it's an old friend
of mine, Jayne Plough.

166
00:06:46,810 --> 00:06:47,143
Do you know her?

167
00:06:48,610 --> 00:06:50,710
And if I'm honest, it
was bloody embarrassing,

168
00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:52,676
but she said she
wouldn't tell Jayne.

169
00:06:52,810 --> 00:06:53,876
Who is Jayne again?

170
00:06:54,010 --> 00:06:55,543
Jayne is my agent.

171
00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:56,810
You're some kind of actor?

172
00:06:56,943 --> 00:07:00,243
I'm not a kind of
actor. I am an actor.

173
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:02,676
Sorry, my name's
Toast, Steven Toast.

174
00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:05,810
Hello Toast. I'm
Kate, Kate Khan.

175
00:07:05,943 --> 00:07:07,143
Kate?

176
00:07:07,276 --> 00:07:10,143
Kate's in my top 20 of
favourite female names.

177
00:07:10,276 --> 00:07:11,410
Number 18, actually.

178
00:07:12,610 --> 00:07:14,310
I love a sing-a-long, don't you?

179
00:07:14,443 --> 00:07:15,176
Yes.

180
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,810
Why don't you have a go?

181
00:07:16,943 --> 00:07:19,376
No, I don't normally sing,
but there is one song

182
00:07:19,510 --> 00:07:21,610
I'm told I perform
particularly well.

183
00:07:21,743 --> 00:07:25,343
Sing it. Go on, get me a
drink and then sing the song.

184
00:07:25,476 --> 00:07:26,143
What will you have?

185
00:07:26,276 --> 00:07:27,110
Vodka and Coke.

186
00:07:28,710 --> 00:07:30,810
Ian, could you get the lady
a vodka and Coke, please?

187
00:07:31,943 --> 00:07:34,143
* You, so. *

188
00:07:37,410 --> 00:07:41,176
[audience applauding]

189
00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:43,343
I'd like to dedicate
this next song

190
00:07:43,476 --> 00:07:46,743
to a beautiful lady in
the audience called Kate.

191
00:07:46,876 --> 00:07:48,376
This is an old
song about London.

192
00:07:54,843 --> 00:07:59,110
[unintelligible
robotic screeching]

193
00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:31,610
[audience applauds]

194
00:08:34,176 --> 00:08:35,376
Hop it, old timer.

195
00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:37,643
Steven, this is my aunt, Dipa.

196
00:08:37,776 --> 00:08:40,210
Ah, nice to meet you.

197
00:08:41,943 --> 00:08:42,810
Hope you don't mind
if she sits there.

198
00:08:42,943 --> 00:08:43,843
No.

199
00:08:43,976 --> 00:08:46,443
I enjoyed that. It was unusual.

200
00:08:46,576 --> 00:08:48,210
That's another string to my bow.

201
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:51,310
What's the deal with your aunt?

202
00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:53,010
Oh, she likes these nights out.

203
00:08:53,143 --> 00:08:54,943
Unfortunately, she's
deaf and blind,

204
00:08:55,110 --> 00:08:56,710
also has a slight limp.

205
00:08:56,843 --> 00:08:58,943
My mother usually cares for
her, but one month every year

206
00:08:59,110 --> 00:09:01,443
I come to London and give
mum a bit of a break.

207
00:09:01,576 --> 00:09:04,210
So she's deaf, blind,
and with a bit of a limp?

208
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:07,010
Something of a
fiasco, one might say.

209
00:09:07,143 --> 00:09:07,943
Would you like to go to a club.

210
00:09:08,110 --> 00:09:09,343
A club?

211
00:09:09,476 --> 00:09:10,110
Yeah, there's a club
I go to around here.

212
00:09:10,243 --> 00:09:10,810
Do you like dancing?

213
00:09:10,943 --> 00:09:11,776
Of course.

214
00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:13,576
Come on, let's have some fun.

215
00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:15,710
-[funky dance music]
-* Hey, hey, hey oh *

216
00:09:15,843 --> 00:09:17,876
* Hey, hey, yo *

217
00:09:18,010 --> 00:09:20,110
* Hey, hey, hey oh *

218
00:09:20,243 --> 00:09:22,210
* Hey, tickly boom boom, oh *

219
00:09:22,343 --> 00:09:24,376
* Hey, hey, hey oh *

220
00:09:24,510 --> 00:09:26,576
* Hey, hey, yo *

221
00:09:26,710 --> 00:09:28,710
* Hey, hey, hey oh *

222
00:09:28,843 --> 00:09:31,110
* Hey, tickly boom boom, oh *

223
00:09:31,243 --> 00:09:32,410
-Oh, yes.
-Ooh!

224
00:09:32,543 --> 00:09:33,376
Yes, that's good.

225
00:09:33,510 --> 00:09:35,310
Oh, I like that. Come on.

226
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:37,576
You don't mind me
wearing my sports vest?

227
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:38,543
No.

228
00:09:40,876 --> 00:09:41,676
What's wrong?

229
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:44,476
Are you sure she can't
hear or see anything?

230
00:09:44,610 --> 00:09:46,443
No, I told you,
she's deaf and blind.

231
00:09:47,810 --> 00:09:48,943
It's a little odd
though, isn't it?

232
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,410
Why? She doesn't
know what's going on.

233
00:09:50,543 --> 00:09:51,710
Well does she have
to be in the bedroom?

234
00:09:51,843 --> 00:09:53,643
Yes, I can keep an
eye on her here.

235
00:09:53,776 --> 00:09:55,810
And honestly, she's
completely oblivious to this.

236
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,276
-Yes?
-Yes.

237
00:09:57,410 --> 00:09:58,243
-Oh, yeah.
-Ooh.

238
00:09:58,376 --> 00:09:59,510
-Oh, come on.
-Ooh.

239
00:09:59,643 --> 00:10:00,510
Oh, you like that, don't you?

240
00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:01,876
Yeah. Lucky you.

241
00:10:02,010 --> 00:10:03,543
-Lucky me!
-Yeah.

242
00:10:03,676 --> 00:10:04,943
-[Kate] Oh, give it to me!
-[Toast] Ooh!

243
00:10:05,076 --> 00:10:07,276
[Kate] Oh! [laughs]

244
00:10:07,410 --> 00:10:10,910
[cheerful twinkling music]

245
00:10:16,510 --> 00:10:19,143
[door knocking]

246
00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:21,110
Come in.

247
00:10:21,243 --> 00:10:22,376
Steven Toast.

248
00:10:23,276 --> 00:10:24,043
Wow.

249
00:10:25,110 --> 00:10:25,810
What?

250
00:10:25,943 --> 00:10:26,643
What a book.

251
00:10:26,776 --> 00:10:28,276
Oh, thank you.

252
00:10:28,410 --> 00:10:31,876
It's seriously one of the
best things I have ever read.

253
00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:34,576
I think it's actually
much sexier than 50 Shades

254
00:10:34,710 --> 00:10:37,076
and just much better than
any of Mantel's books.

255
00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:38,076
I mean, I love Hilary.

256
00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:39,310
She's one of my best friends,

257
00:10:39,443 --> 00:10:43,376
but can she write strong
female characters?

258
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,110
I don't think so.

259
00:10:45,243 --> 00:10:48,476
But you've created this
incredible strong willed,

260
00:10:48,610 --> 00:10:50,610
believable, independent woman.

261
00:10:50,743 --> 00:10:51,910
She's amazing.

262
00:10:52,043 --> 00:10:52,876
And you're not concerned
she's a columnist

263
00:10:53,010 --> 00:10:54,076
with a left-wing newspaper?

264
00:10:54,210 --> 00:10:55,710
Not in the slightest.

265
00:10:55,843 --> 00:10:58,010
Okay, they probably didn't have
newspapers like The Guardian

266
00:10:58,143 --> 00:10:59,610
in the 16th century,

267
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,576
and they didn't have
columnists like Stephanie.

268
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:02,443
That's her name, isn't it?

269
00:11:02,576 --> 00:11:04,110
Yes, Stephanie Dosquasa.

270
00:11:04,243 --> 00:11:05,110
But who cares?

271
00:11:05,243 --> 00:11:06,410
We're just gonna go with it,

272
00:11:06,543 --> 00:11:08,110
'cause the character
is so brilliant.

273
00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:10,543
She doesn't take any
shit from Henry VIII.

274
00:11:10,676 --> 00:11:12,576
Totally in control
of that situation

275
00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:15,310
and obviously the
dominant sexual partner.

276
00:11:15,443 --> 00:11:16,976
Yeah, well that was
very important for me

277
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,176
when I was writing it.

278
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:19,943
Well, we are so excited
about this here.

279
00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:21,276
We just put this together.

280
00:11:23,743 --> 00:11:26,110
Where the hell did you
find that photograph of me?

281
00:11:26,243 --> 00:11:27,410
Oh, it's a collage portrait

282
00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,210
put together by
the art department.

283
00:11:29,343 --> 00:11:33,210
First, I should say, it's not
right, we can do much better.

284
00:11:33,343 --> 00:11:34,643
But the size is correct?

285
00:11:36,010 --> 00:11:39,610
No, but listen, this is
the most important part.

286
00:11:39,743 --> 00:11:42,276
Major ads in all
the trade papers,

287
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,876
heavy TV and cinema advertising.

288
00:11:45,010 --> 00:11:46,543
We are really gonna
sell this book

289
00:11:46,676 --> 00:11:48,843
because we believe
in it so much.

290
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:52,576
I can see this being
quite seriously,

291
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:54,176
the biggest book of all time.

292
00:11:54,310 --> 00:11:57,276
And I hate hyperbole, I
hate all that bullshit

293
00:11:57,410 --> 00:11:58,510
and I see it all the time,

294
00:11:58,643 --> 00:12:00,976
but this book
really is that good.

295
00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:02,943
Oh, I'm glad you like
it as much as I do.

296
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:05,776
Publicity are planning a
massive celebratory lunch.

297
00:12:05,910 --> 00:12:08,310
There's a possibility we
can get Obama along to it.

298
00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:10,010
Ooh, top notch!

299
00:12:10,143 --> 00:12:12,110
Can I ask you, Steven, do
you have a wife or partner?

300
00:12:12,243 --> 00:12:15,110
Well, I'm having sex with an
Indian lady, which is great,

301
00:12:15,210 --> 00:12:17,343
but it is complicated by the
presence of a third-party.

302
00:12:17,476 --> 00:12:19,476
Because we can organise

303
00:12:19,610 --> 00:12:21,110
getting an A-list
Hollywood actress along

304
00:12:21,243 --> 00:12:22,176
to accompany you on the day.

305
00:12:22,310 --> 00:12:23,910
Yes, I'd like that very much.

306
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:26,876
I'll contact Brooke about
the sums involved here.

307
00:12:27,010 --> 00:12:28,476
Obviously we're
talking millions,

308
00:12:28,610 --> 00:12:30,176
but I don't wanna even
discuss that with you now

309
00:12:30,310 --> 00:12:32,176
because the book
isn't quite finished.

310
00:12:32,310 --> 00:12:33,810
Um...

311
00:12:33,943 --> 00:12:35,143
It needs an end.

312
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:36,376
Well, I was thinking

313
00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:37,243
I could get away
without having an end.

314
00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:38,810
No, no, absolutely not.

315
00:12:38,943 --> 00:12:40,576
Who told you that? Ben Elton?

316
00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:41,576
Who?

317
00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:43,210
Having an end is very important,

318
00:12:43,343 --> 00:12:45,576
we need to know what
happens to Stephanie.

319
00:12:45,710 --> 00:12:48,210
But don't worry, you could
tie up the whole thing

320
00:12:48,343 --> 00:12:50,510
in a few paragraphs, maybe
even a sentence or two.

321
00:12:50,643 --> 00:12:52,110
But it does need an end.

322
00:12:52,176 --> 00:12:53,976
All right, I'll try
and think of one.

323
00:12:54,876 --> 00:12:56,110
And thank you, Steven,

324
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,743
for writing the greatest
book of all time.

325
00:12:59,776 --> 00:13:01,976
[cheerful music]

326
00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:02,910
Yes!

327
00:13:05,543 --> 00:13:07,776
Henry VIII felt hot that day

328
00:13:07,910 --> 00:13:09,476
and not just because
the sun was beaming down

329
00:13:09,610 --> 00:13:11,976
on the ramparts of
Hampton Court Palace.

330
00:13:12,110 --> 00:13:14,743
Stephanie began to undress
slowly before her monarch.

331
00:13:16,376 --> 00:13:18,910
Henry responded by loosening
some of his heavy armour.

332
00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:20,210
Oh, I like that, Toast.

333
00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:22,176
That's got me going. Come on.

334
00:13:24,376 --> 00:13:26,243
[Toast] Oh, yes. Ooh.

335
00:13:27,376 --> 00:13:28,610
[Kate] Oh, yes.

336
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:33,876
This is great sex.
Absolutely superb stuff.

337
00:13:34,010 --> 00:13:35,910
Oh, you're certainly delivering
the goods today, Toast.

338
00:13:36,110 --> 00:13:37,610
That's 'cause I'm
in a good mood.

339
00:13:40,876 --> 00:13:43,110
Your aunt seems to be
filming us making love.

340
00:13:43,243 --> 00:13:45,610
Oh, come on, Toast. She's
just playing with her phone.

341
00:13:45,743 --> 00:13:48,110
I told you she can't
hear or see anything.

342
00:13:48,210 --> 00:13:50,910
Well, if she's deaf and blind,
why does she need a camera?

343
00:13:51,110 --> 00:13:53,110
Oh, get real, Toast.

344
00:13:53,176 --> 00:13:55,243
Every phone has a
camera these days.

345
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,110
Oh. Oh that was lovely.

346
00:13:58,243 --> 00:14:01,110
Excuse me for a moment. I
need to go to the bathroom.

347
00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:07,110
I wonder if you really
can't see or hear.

348
00:14:09,743 --> 00:14:10,576
Hey!

349
00:14:11,876 --> 00:14:12,643
You there!

350
00:14:13,743 --> 00:14:14,576
Yeah.

351
00:14:16,776 --> 00:14:19,976
[Toast deeply humming]

352
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,343
Ooh.

353
00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:39,943
Bet you've not seen anything
like this for a while,

354
00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:40,876
have you?

355
00:14:43,643 --> 00:14:46,376
What are you doing to Aunt Dipa?

356
00:14:48,176 --> 00:14:51,343
[upbeat piano music]

357
00:14:51,476 --> 00:14:53,343
Ah, still working
on the novel, Toast?

358
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,343
You must be nearly finished
if you don't need an end.

359
00:14:55,476 --> 00:14:57,710
Well, looks like it may
need an end after all.

360
00:14:57,843 --> 00:14:59,476
Publisher lady
thinks it's crucial.

361
00:14:59,610 --> 00:15:01,910
"What happens to
Stephanie Dosquasa?"

362
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,676
It's a tough nut to crack.

363
00:15:03,810 --> 00:15:05,610
I'm sure it's easy enough
to think of an end.

364
00:15:05,743 --> 00:15:07,743
You could kill everyone.

365
00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:10,710
I need to get out of
here, clear my head.

366
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:11,910
Good thinking, Toast.

367
00:15:14,243 --> 00:15:16,110
I'm sure you'll
definitely, definitely

368
00:15:16,176 --> 00:15:17,610
be able to think of something.

369
00:15:18,676 --> 00:15:20,176
Definitely.

370
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:22,343
How the shit am I
gonna end this book?

371
00:15:22,476 --> 00:15:24,510
How about, "This'll
cure the toothache

372
00:15:24,643 --> 00:15:26,176
out of Stephanie Dosquasa,

373
00:15:26,310 --> 00:15:29,210
as the executioner raised
an impressive axe. The end."

374
00:15:29,343 --> 00:15:30,810
Well that might work.

375
00:15:30,943 --> 00:15:33,310
"As the sun went down
over Hampton Court Palace,

376
00:15:33,443 --> 00:15:36,710
Henry watched the starship
containing Stephanie Dosquasa

377
00:15:36,843 --> 00:15:39,110
zoom vertically up
into outer space."

378
00:15:39,176 --> 00:15:40,910
Could be popular
with the young set.

379
00:15:41,110 --> 00:15:43,143
"'What a perfect day,'
Stephanie thought to herself

380
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,276
as she pulled up her wedding
dress, undid her flies

381
00:15:45,410 --> 00:15:47,410
and urinated into
the urinal. The end."

382
00:15:47,543 --> 00:15:49,110
These are awful.

383
00:15:49,243 --> 00:15:51,776
Writers block? Writers
cock more like.

384
00:15:53,376 --> 00:15:56,143
180! You're on form today, Dipa.

385
00:15:57,710 --> 00:15:59,110
Dipa?

386
00:15:59,176 --> 00:16:00,110
Dipa, Dipa.

387
00:16:02,176 --> 00:16:03,210
Do you want to have a pint now?

388
00:16:03,343 --> 00:16:04,110
Of course

389
00:16:04,176 --> 00:16:04,943
Oi!

390
00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:05,943
Oh, fuck.

391
00:16:08,810 --> 00:16:10,010
Oh, you'd better go, Dave.

392
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:11,343
I bloody knew it.

393
00:16:11,476 --> 00:16:13,543
All this not hearing
and seeing stuff.

394
00:16:13,676 --> 00:16:15,310
Total bullshit, am I right?

395
00:16:15,443 --> 00:16:17,510
Look, I was deaf and blind,

396
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,376
but last year I went to
the holy temple in India

397
00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:22,410
and received a miracle cure.

398
00:16:22,543 --> 00:16:23,776
I didn't tell anyone,

399
00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:25,243
'cause I didn't want
to lose my benefits.

400
00:16:25,376 --> 00:16:26,810
So you're a benefits cheat?

401
00:16:26,943 --> 00:16:28,776
You know, it's because
of people like you,

402
00:16:28,910 --> 00:16:30,910
that the membership of
the UK Independence Party

403
00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:32,610
has gone up twelvefold.

404
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:33,776
Don't tell everyone.

405
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,410
Oh, I will. I will.

406
00:16:35,543 --> 00:16:40,110
In fact, officer, stop that
woman! She's a benefits cheat!

407
00:16:41,110 --> 00:16:41,876
Well, go on!

408
00:16:47,210 --> 00:16:50,176
[solemn piano music]

409
00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:15,643
* We're born and thrown, lemon *

410
00:17:17,676 --> 00:17:22,543
* Where ending come
in too although *

411
00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:31,976
* Descending search,
avoid, must control *

412
00:17:36,743 --> 00:17:41,576
* Pretending truth
is bleak after all *

413
00:17:46,143 --> 00:17:48,710
* We're ending *

414
00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:00,943
[alarm ringing]

415
00:18:01,110 --> 00:18:02,943
[Alarm] This is a
routine fire drill.

416
00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:06,243
Would everybody in the library
please leave the building?

417
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:08,676
This is a routine fire drill.

418
00:18:08,810 --> 00:18:11,110
This is a routine fire drill.

419
00:18:14,143 --> 00:18:16,410
[cheerful upbeat music]

420
00:18:16,543 --> 00:18:17,276
I've got it, Ed.

421
00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:18,643
What?

422
00:18:18,776 --> 00:18:20,376
An end. I've got
the end to my novel.

423
00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:21,843
_ I see. Oh, well done.

424
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:25,176
It's truly inspired. I'm
very pleased with it.

425
00:18:25,310 --> 00:18:26,810
Come on then, do tell.

426
00:18:26,943 --> 00:18:29,343
What happens to the fair and
feisty Stephanie Dosquasa?

427
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,010
Spontaneous combustion.

428
00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:32,643
Spontaneous combustion?

429
00:18:32,776 --> 00:18:33,943
Yes.

430
00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:37,343
Stephanie Dosquasa
spontaneously combusts?

431
00:18:37,476 --> 00:18:39,543
You must be fucking joking.

432
00:18:39,676 --> 00:18:41,810
It's a ridiculous cop out.

433
00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:42,943
Is the end of Moby-Dick,

434
00:18:43,110 --> 00:18:45,243
the whale, spontaneously
combusting?

435
00:18:45,376 --> 00:18:48,176
Did J. K. Rowling
have Harry Potter

436
00:18:48,310 --> 00:18:50,343
bursting into flames
to tie up her series

437
00:18:50,476 --> 00:18:53,476
of seven hugely
successful novels?

438
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:56,143
People can spontaneously
combust, it's on the internet.

439
00:18:56,276 --> 00:18:56,976
No they can't.

440
00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:58,643
Yes they can.

441
00:18:58,776 --> 00:19:01,576
Though rare, there have been
exactly 200 documented cases.

442
00:19:01,710 --> 00:19:03,976
It's totally unbelievable.

443
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,643
To think I offered you
the sun, moon and stars

444
00:19:06,776 --> 00:19:09,776
and this is the best
ending you can think of.

445
00:19:09,910 --> 00:19:11,643
I had a nervous breakdown

446
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,443
and I come back to
work after six months

447
00:19:13,576 --> 00:19:15,243
and have to deal with this shit.

448
00:19:15,376 --> 00:19:18,010
And I'll tell you something
else, you little prick,

449
00:19:18,143 --> 00:19:19,176
if I ever...

450
00:19:25,110 --> 00:19:26,876
Well, that's not
gonna help my book.

451
00:19:29,276 --> 00:19:31,143
[ominous music]

452
00:19:31,276 --> 00:19:33,810
She was just saying
how completely
unbelievable it would be

453
00:19:33,943 --> 00:19:37,476
for someone to spontaneously
combust, and then bang.

454
00:19:38,776 --> 00:19:40,743
I mean, it was the
definition of irony.

455
00:19:40,876 --> 00:19:43,110
Irony writ, very large.

456
00:19:43,176 --> 00:19:44,276
Yes, I guess we'll never know

457
00:19:44,410 --> 00:19:46,243
what causes
spontaneous combustion.

458
00:19:46,376 --> 00:19:48,443
It's one of the great mysteries,
like the moon landings.

459
00:19:48,576 --> 00:19:49,376
[phone ringing]

460
00:19:49,510 --> 00:19:50,276
Excuse me.

461
00:19:52,143 --> 00:19:52,976
Toast.

462
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,376
Ah! Well, that is promising.

463
00:19:56,510 --> 00:19:57,610
All the best.

464
00:19:57,743 --> 00:19:58,443
Who was that, Toast?

465
00:19:58,576 --> 00:19:59,643
Brooke Huberman.

466
00:19:59,776 --> 00:20:01,543
Apparently, a
Hollywood film producer

467
00:20:01,676 --> 00:20:03,376
called Dinky Frinkbuster
wants to meet.

468
00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:04,443
Hollywood producer, eh?

469
00:20:04,576 --> 00:20:05,910
Oh, that's impressive.

470
00:20:06,043 --> 00:20:07,143
Must be staying somewhere
like Claridge's,

471
00:20:07,276 --> 00:20:08,310
or The Dorchester.

472
00:20:08,443 --> 00:20:09,643
I expect so.

473
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:12,376
[ominous music]

474
00:20:13,876 --> 00:20:15,710
[Dinky] Make yourself
comfortable, Toast.

475
00:20:17,343 --> 00:20:18,010
You wanna banana?

476
00:20:18,143 --> 00:20:19,610
No, I'm good.

477
00:20:19,743 --> 00:20:21,910
So, what's this movie
about, Frinkbuster?

478
00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:24,176
Well, it's about a couple
of lesbian lovers, right?

479
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,143
And they get kinda
bored of lesbian sex,

480
00:20:26,276 --> 00:20:28,476
so one goes out with this
big Black body builder.

481
00:20:28,610 --> 00:20:30,176
The other one stays at
home, lying in the sun,

482
00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:34,010
until a hunky British guy
comes by to clean out the pool.

483
00:20:34,143 --> 00:20:36,310
Okay. So, I need to get
the overall picture.

484
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:38,343
What would you say the
theme of the film is?

485
00:20:38,476 --> 00:20:39,676
What do you mean, theme?

486
00:20:39,810 --> 00:20:41,276
So I'm playing the
British pool cleaner?

487
00:20:41,410 --> 00:20:42,743
Yeah.

488
00:20:42,876 --> 00:20:43,876
So what's my relationship
with the girl?

489
00:20:46,710 --> 00:20:48,110
Well, you just fuck her.

490
00:20:48,243 --> 00:20:49,576
[Toast laughing]

491
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:51,676
Well, that sounds like
it could be a porn film.

492
00:20:51,810 --> 00:20:52,910
Look, I've seen your work.

493
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,276
What?

494
00:20:54,410 --> 00:20:55,443
Hope we're not at
crossed purposes here.

495
00:20:56,676 --> 00:20:58,910
Oh, this is great sex.

496
00:20:59,043 --> 00:21:01,110
Absolutely superb stuff.

497
00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:03,343
[Kate] Oh, you've certainly
delivered the goods today.

498
00:21:03,476 --> 00:21:04,710
[Toast] That's 'cause
I'm in a good mood.

499
00:21:04,843 --> 00:21:05,543
Haven't you seen that?

500
00:21:05,676 --> 00:21:06,910
That's outrageous.

501
00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:09,010
Got half a million hits.

502
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,676
That Indian lady
with the sunglasses,

503
00:21:10,810 --> 00:21:12,310
is not a professional filmmaker.

504
00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:14,343
She's a benefits fraudster.

505
00:21:14,476 --> 00:21:15,543
Well, suit yourself.

506
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,676
Hold your horses,
don't turn it off.

507
00:21:19,610 --> 00:21:22,643
[groaning continues]

508
00:21:23,743 --> 00:21:24,443
How many hits?

509
00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:25,243
Half a mill.

510
00:21:25,376 --> 00:21:26,176
Is that good?

511
00:21:26,310 --> 00:21:27,343
You're a superstar.

512
00:21:27,476 --> 00:21:28,776
[Toast laughing]

513
00:21:28,910 --> 00:21:30,543
-[Toast] Lucky you!
-[Kate] Lucky me!

514
00:21:30,676 --> 00:21:32,876
Ha, you are lucky.

515
00:21:33,010 --> 00:21:33,810
She sure is.

516
00:21:34,976 --> 00:21:37,676
[cheerful music]

517
00:21:39,310 --> 00:21:42,110
Toast, you fucking snake!

518
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:45,410
Going behind my back with all
that secret squirrel stuff.

519
00:21:46,776 --> 00:21:48,810
Sit up straight when
I'm talking to you.

520
00:21:48,943 --> 00:21:50,110
I asked her not to tell you.

521
00:21:50,243 --> 00:21:51,743
Brooke and I are
very old friends.

522
00:21:51,876 --> 00:21:53,110
Of course she's gonna tell me

523
00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:54,143
if one of my clients
is trying to jump ship,

524
00:21:54,276 --> 00:21:56,143
you fucking idiot.

525
00:21:56,276 --> 00:21:58,510
Well, nothing materialised-

526
00:21:58,643 --> 00:22:00,410
You do have some ridiculous
ideas, don't you?

527
00:22:00,543 --> 00:22:03,110
Hollywood films, novel writing.

528
00:22:03,210 --> 00:22:06,476
I'm this close to taking
your picture off my wall.

529
00:22:08,743 --> 00:22:09,876
Oh, come on, Jayne.

530
00:22:10,010 --> 00:22:11,143
I shall think about this tonight

531
00:22:11,276 --> 00:22:12,843
and let you know my
decision in the morning.

532
00:22:15,976 --> 00:22:18,176
Be near to the
studio at 10 o'clock.

533
00:22:18,310 --> 00:22:20,876
[solemn music]

534
00:22:25,910 --> 00:22:26,743
Buzz...

535
00:22:28,943 --> 00:22:29,776
Buzz...

536
00:22:32,243 --> 00:22:33,010
Buzz...

537
00:22:36,276 --> 00:22:37,110
Buzz

538
00:22:38,343 --> 00:22:39,843
Look, I'm gonna
need some direction.

539
00:22:39,976 --> 00:22:41,776
Which bee am I meant to be?

540
00:22:43,110 --> 00:22:46,243
[cheerful piano music]