1
00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:03,043
It's tremendous news.

2
00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:04,603
They wanna see me
for James Bond?

3
00:00:04,763 --> 00:00:06,563
Yes. What a break.

4
00:00:06,723 --> 00:00:07,763
After how many years
in the industry?

5
00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:08,683
10, 15?

6
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:10,203
28.

7
00:00:11,523 --> 00:00:13,323
Ha! I knew Craig would choke it.

8
00:00:13,483 --> 00:00:14,723
Too many stunts and he's always

9
00:00:14,883 --> 00:00:16,843
looked like the villain.

10
00:00:17,003 --> 00:00:18,883
Do you think they'll
expect me to talk?

11
00:00:20,363 --> 00:00:21,683
You won't do that, will you?

12
00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:27,523
[suspenseful music]

13
00:00:30,843 --> 00:00:32,723
I'm here for Bond.

14
00:00:32,883 --> 00:00:34,003
Steven Toast.

15
00:00:34,163 --> 00:00:35,203
Who?

16
00:00:35,363 --> 00:00:36,803
Steven Toast.

17
00:00:36,963 --> 00:00:38,123
Okay. Take a seat.

18
00:00:44,963 --> 00:00:45,603
Havers.

19
00:00:45,763 --> 00:00:46,603
Morning, Toast.

20
00:00:46,763 --> 00:00:47,443
Fassbender.

21
00:00:47,603 --> 00:00:48,483
Steven.

22
00:00:48,643 --> 00:00:49,643
Steven Toast?

23
00:00:52,243 --> 00:00:55,163
[suspenseful music]

24
00:01:06,043 --> 00:01:07,083
The name's Bond.

25
00:01:07,243 --> 00:01:08,443
James Bond.

26
00:01:08,603 --> 00:01:09,243
[gunshots]

27
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,643
Hey!

28
00:01:10,803 --> 00:01:12,763
What the hell do you
think you're playing at?

29
00:01:12,923 --> 00:01:13,803
Oh, shit.

30
00:01:15,763 --> 00:01:17,923
[drum roll]

31
00:01:21,003 --> 00:01:24,123
[suspenseful music]

32
00:01:24,283 --> 00:01:28,723
♪ If you find yourself ♪

33
00:01:28,883 --> 00:01:33,003
♪ In bad debt ♪

34
00:01:33,163 --> 00:01:37,323
♪ Please be sure that I will ♪

35
00:01:37,483 --> 00:01:41,043
♪ Collect ♪

36
00:01:41,203 --> 00:01:43,003
♪ Tonight ♪

37
00:01:43,163 --> 00:01:48,083
♪ You're my bonus ball ♪

38
00:01:51,243 --> 00:01:53,243
[gunshot]

39
00:01:57,683 --> 00:01:59,523
[clinking of coins]

40
00:01:59,683 --> 00:02:01,523
[typing]

41
00:02:02,683 --> 00:02:03,403
Jane?

42
00:02:03,563 --> 00:02:04,483
[Jane] Fucking idiot.

43
00:02:04,643 --> 00:02:05,283
You heard, yeah.

44
00:02:05,443 --> 00:02:06,043
It wasn't great.

45
00:02:06,203 --> 00:02:07,883
Clearly.

46
00:02:08,043 --> 00:02:10,123
No, I misjudged it. I think
I've frightened some of them.

47
00:02:10,283 --> 00:02:12,403
Still, they'll realise
I'm the right man

48
00:02:12,563 --> 00:02:14,763
for the job when they
see the other no-hopers.

49
00:02:14,923 --> 00:02:16,243
Oh yeah. All right, see you.

50
00:02:18,163 --> 00:02:19,523
Ooh.

51
00:02:19,683 --> 00:02:21,603
[typing]

52
00:02:23,403 --> 00:02:25,203
Hi, it's Toast.
I'm in a phone box.

53
00:02:25,363 --> 00:02:26,163
[Mrs Purchase] What?

54
00:02:26,323 --> 00:02:27,843
I lost my mobile in an audition,

55
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:29,283
but luckily one of your

56
00:02:29,443 --> 00:02:31,323
prostitute cards is in here.

57
00:02:31,483 --> 00:02:32,963
Look, I can't make it tonight.

58
00:02:33,123 --> 00:02:33,963
I'm playing poker with

59
00:02:34,123 --> 00:02:35,643
Elaine Paige and Lloyd Webber,

60
00:02:35,803 --> 00:02:38,403
but I'll see you
tomorrow at 3:00 PM.

61
00:02:38,563 --> 00:02:40,803
[growls]

62
00:02:40,963 --> 00:02:43,363
[tense music]

63
00:02:46,723 --> 00:02:50,123
So, this is it,
chaps. All eyes on me.

64
00:02:51,723 --> 00:02:53,803
Three Kings.

65
00:02:53,963 --> 00:02:56,203
I believe it's your
turn, Elaine Paige.

66
00:02:56,363 --> 00:02:58,523
Time to pull your winkle
out as my gran used to say.

67
00:02:58,683 --> 00:02:59,803
[laughs]

68
00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:00,883
Excuse that.

69
00:03:01,043 --> 00:03:01,923
[Elaine] I've got nothing.

70
00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:03,643
[laughs]

71
00:03:03,803 --> 00:03:05,243
Bad luck, EP.

72
00:03:05,403 --> 00:03:07,443
Couldn't have happened
to a nicer gal.

73
00:03:07,603 --> 00:03:10,723
So, Andrew Lloyd Webber,
looks like it's you and me.

74
00:03:10,883 --> 00:03:13,443
And if I was you I'd make this
swift, no one wants to look

75
00:03:13,603 --> 00:03:16,123
like a top arsehole in
front of their floozy.

76
00:03:17,003 --> 00:03:18,123
Excuse that.

77
00:03:18,283 --> 00:03:21,003
[tense music]

78
00:03:21,163 --> 00:03:23,723
[Andrew laughs]

79
00:03:25,203 --> 00:03:27,163
He can't do that, can he?

80
00:03:27,323 --> 00:03:29,243
You knew that was
all the money I had.

81
00:03:29,403 --> 00:03:30,563
I could puke.

82
00:03:30,723 --> 00:03:33,163
[Steven pukes]

83
00:03:35,163 --> 00:03:39,043
[Andrew] Lots of
lovely money. Lovely.

84
00:03:40,403 --> 00:03:42,723
Forgotten something, Toast?

85
00:03:42,883 --> 00:03:44,963
I don't have any
money for a taxi.

86
00:03:45,123 --> 00:03:46,523
I deign it for you
to have a pound.

87
00:03:47,643 --> 00:03:48,883
[thud]

88
00:03:49,043 --> 00:03:51,803
You still owe Lloyd
Webber, £20,000, Toast.

89
00:03:51,963 --> 00:03:53,203
Yeah, well, you can tell

90
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,803
Mr. Lloyd Weber that
he can shove that

91
00:03:55,963 --> 00:03:57,523
up his Starlight express.

92
00:03:57,683 --> 00:03:59,123
[Andrew laughs]

93
00:03:59,283 --> 00:04:01,203
Oh, I'm growing a tail.

94
00:04:01,363 --> 00:04:03,323
[mutters]

95
00:04:05,643 --> 00:04:06,883
Ah, there he is.

96
00:04:07,043 --> 00:04:09,123
[laughs]

97
00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:13,043
Toast!

98
00:04:14,683 --> 00:04:16,483
What the hell are you
doing here this early?

99
00:04:16,643 --> 00:04:18,683
I have alarming news, Jane.

100
00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:21,723
To go with the alarming smell?

101
00:04:21,883 --> 00:04:25,283
Suddenly reeks of a
working men's club in here.

102
00:04:25,443 --> 00:04:26,563
Working men in this room?

103
00:04:26,723 --> 00:04:28,003
That'd be a first.

104
00:04:28,163 --> 00:04:29,483
You look dreadful, Toast.

105
00:04:29,643 --> 00:04:30,603
Please take your
feet off my desk.

106
00:04:30,763 --> 00:04:32,363
Where are your shoes?

107
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:33,923
Lloyd Webber took them.

108
00:04:34,083 --> 00:04:35,043
Bloody poker.

109
00:04:35,203 --> 00:04:36,723
How much did you lose?

110
00:04:36,883 --> 00:04:39,163
I owe him £20,000.

111
00:04:39,323 --> 00:04:41,643
Well, I expect
you'll be receiving

112
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:43,283
a visit from Michael
Ball soon, then.

113
00:04:43,443 --> 00:04:44,683
[tense music]

114
00:04:44,843 --> 00:04:46,523
Michael Ball?

115
00:04:46,683 --> 00:04:49,443
Yes, Ball is Lloyd Webber's
enforcer. Has been for years.

116
00:04:49,603 --> 00:04:51,883
Anyone owes L.W. money,
Ball picks it up.

117
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,283
Obviously he doesn't
have to do it,

118
00:04:53,443 --> 00:04:54,683
but it gives him
something to do in

119
00:04:54,843 --> 00:04:56,763
the day between shows
and winning awards.

120
00:04:56,923 --> 00:04:57,923
Shit.

121
00:04:58,083 --> 00:04:59,083
What now, Toast?

122
00:05:00,683 --> 00:05:01,923
I slept with Michael
Ball's girlfriend

123
00:05:02,083 --> 00:05:03,243
not long after they split up.

124
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:04,883
How long after?

125
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:05,843
About 10 minutes.

126
00:05:06,003 --> 00:05:07,603
Fucking idiot.

127
00:05:07,763 --> 00:05:09,163
Unusually attractive girl,
great sense of humour,

128
00:05:09,323 --> 00:05:11,483
much like myself.
We laughed a lot.

129
00:05:11,643 --> 00:05:13,123
Well, he probably
won't remember you.

130
00:05:13,283 --> 00:05:14,083
Why would you say that?

131
00:05:14,243 --> 00:05:15,003
Well, in general I've noticed

132
00:05:15,163 --> 00:05:17,163
people tend not to remember you.

133
00:05:17,323 --> 00:05:18,003
That's a hell of
a necklace, Jane.

134
00:05:18,163 --> 00:05:19,363
Shut up, Toast.

135
00:05:19,523 --> 00:05:20,883
[phone rings]

136
00:05:21,043 --> 00:05:22,723
Jane Plough.

137
00:05:22,883 --> 00:05:24,483
Oh, he's here now,
actually, let me ask him.

138
00:05:24,643 --> 00:05:25,963
Urgent dubbing request just in.

139
00:05:26,123 --> 00:05:27,323
Dubbing? Fuck that.

140
00:05:27,483 --> 00:05:28,403
Just bear with me.

141
00:05:28,563 --> 00:05:29,323
Shall I get some more details?

142
00:05:29,483 --> 00:05:30,243
No.

143
00:05:30,403 --> 00:05:31,123
[crosstalk]

144
00:05:31,283 --> 00:05:32,083
May as well.

145
00:05:32,243 --> 00:05:33,043
Don't waste your time, Jane.

146
00:05:33,203 --> 00:05:34,843
I'll ask him, more details?

147
00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:36,443
Yes. It's a new film,

148
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:37,803
young maverick Danish director,

149
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,643
arthouse, highbrow stuff,

150
00:05:39,803 --> 00:05:41,043
German-Spanish co-production,

151
00:05:41,203 --> 00:05:43,283
today, DVD, English, five-

152
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:44,603
I didn't understand
any of that, Jane,

153
00:05:44,763 --> 00:05:46,323
it was just single words.

154
00:05:46,483 --> 00:05:47,683
Sorry, Toast. It needs
to be dubbed into English

155
00:05:47,843 --> 00:05:48,843
for eventual DVD release.

156
00:05:49,003 --> 00:05:49,883
They're offering £5,000.

157
00:05:50,043 --> 00:05:50,723
I'll do it.

158
00:05:50,883 --> 00:05:52,323
Great. He'll do it.

159
00:05:52,483 --> 00:05:54,523
He'll be there in two
and a half minutes.

160
00:05:54,683 --> 00:05:56,123
Where is it?

161
00:05:56,283 --> 00:05:57,803
Scramble studios.

162
00:05:57,963 --> 00:05:59,963
What, those aresholes?

163
00:06:00,123 --> 00:06:01,763
Well, they wouldn't know
highbrow from holy water.

164
00:06:01,923 --> 00:06:03,283
Could you please get out, now?

165
00:06:05,283 --> 00:06:06,123
Top arsehole.

166
00:06:07,243 --> 00:06:09,723
[jaunty music]

167
00:06:11,523 --> 00:06:13,243
What all those
people doing there?

168
00:06:13,403 --> 00:06:14,763
Oh, you know, they
just work here.

169
00:06:16,523 --> 00:06:17,723
Well, let's get on, I've
got an appointment later.

170
00:06:17,883 --> 00:06:19,563
All right, no problems, Steven.

171
00:06:19,723 --> 00:06:23,083
So, dubbing some gay
arthouse erotica.

172
00:06:23,243 --> 00:06:24,523
Some what?

173
00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:25,483
Don't have a problem
playing gay, do you?

174
00:06:25,643 --> 00:06:27,123
Gay? No.

175
00:06:27,283 --> 00:06:29,363
I mean, I won't play a bald man.

176
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,603
Not even on Radio 4,
but I'm not gay sceptic.

177
00:06:31,763 --> 00:06:32,683
Let's go.

178
00:06:32,843 --> 00:06:34,123
Okay, well, good.

179
00:06:34,283 --> 00:06:35,403
Okay. So the guy
you're working with-

180
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:36,403
What guy?

181
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,403
The guy playing the other part.

182
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,003
Who?

183
00:06:39,163 --> 00:06:39,843
Name's Ray Purchase,
do you know him?

184
00:06:40,003 --> 00:06:41,283
Incredibly homophobic,

185
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:42,683
he hates gays and
the whole gay scene.

186
00:06:42,843 --> 00:06:44,163
[door opens]

187
00:06:44,323 --> 00:06:45,123
Oh.

188
00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:48,923
Ray Fucking Purchase.

189
00:06:49,083 --> 00:06:50,363
Well, well, well.

190
00:06:52,603 --> 00:06:54,083
Look who it is.

191
00:06:54,243 --> 00:06:55,563
You two know each
other, that's great.

192
00:06:55,723 --> 00:06:56,843
No, it isn't.

193
00:06:57,003 --> 00:06:59,043
You hypocrite, Purchase.

194
00:06:59,203 --> 00:07:01,483
You're the most homophobic
actor in London.

195
00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:03,203
What's this, 'gay for pay'?

196
00:07:03,363 --> 00:07:06,003
I don't like to see grown
up men kissing, Toast.

197
00:07:06,163 --> 00:07:08,203
I fail to see what the fuck
it's got to do with you.

198
00:07:08,363 --> 00:07:09,843
Okay, gents.

199
00:07:10,003 --> 00:07:10,843
That's a good idea.

200
00:07:11,803 --> 00:07:12,723
What is?

201
00:07:12,883 --> 00:07:14,003
Not wearing shoes.

202
00:07:14,163 --> 00:07:15,603
You know, it's a bit relaxed,

203
00:07:15,763 --> 00:07:17,003
a bit comfortable.

204
00:07:17,163 --> 00:07:18,163
Okay, so I believe
you are voicing

205
00:07:18,323 --> 00:07:19,123
the character of Miguel.

206
00:07:19,283 --> 00:07:20,563
Right.

207
00:07:20,723 --> 00:07:22,003
Coming at you, we're
gonna start with Ray.

208
00:07:27,643 --> 00:07:29,563
My name is Helmut from Munich.

209
00:07:29,723 --> 00:07:30,883
You must be Miguel.

210
00:07:32,443 --> 00:07:33,843
Yes, I am. Hola.

211
00:07:36,963 --> 00:07:39,043
You are keen, my friend,

212
00:07:39,203 --> 00:07:41,923
but I asked the agency
for a blond man.

213
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:45,243
I am sorry to disappoint you.

214
00:07:45,403 --> 00:07:47,523
It was not what I was expecting.

215
00:07:47,683 --> 00:07:51,763
Really? Would you like me to
put my underpants back on?

216
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,243
Hi Steven, this is Clem
Fandango. Can you hear me?

217
00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:57,003
Yes. I can hear
you, Clem Fandango.

218
00:07:57,163 --> 00:07:59,403
This is going great,
Steven, really terrific.

219
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:00,403
One note from the director,

220
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:01,483
he really wants you to

221
00:08:01,643 --> 00:08:02,963
pronounce it 'unterpantzi'.

222
00:08:03,123 --> 00:08:04,203
Really give it everything.

223
00:08:05,323 --> 00:08:06,043
Here we go.

224
00:08:07,683 --> 00:08:11,283
My unterpantzi.

225
00:08:11,443 --> 00:08:12,483
Sorry, I'll do that again.

226
00:08:13,923 --> 00:08:17,243
Put my unterpantzi back on.

227
00:08:21,163 --> 00:08:22,763
That's great, it's
really, really good.

228
00:08:22,923 --> 00:08:23,923
Do you wanna take a little
break before the next bit?

229
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:25,563
No, let's just keep going.

230
00:08:25,723 --> 00:08:26,443
Calm down, Toast.

231
00:08:30,723 --> 00:08:33,443
[kisses and groans]

232
00:08:35,603 --> 00:08:38,403
[groans]

233
00:08:38,563 --> 00:08:42,283
[kisses and groans]

234
00:08:52,603 --> 00:08:55,203
[yells and groans]

235
00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:59,083
[laughing]

236
00:09:12,963 --> 00:09:14,763
All right, all right, okay,
we're nearly there, okay.

237
00:09:14,923 --> 00:09:16,323
Just some solo kissing
from you, Ray, all right?

238
00:09:16,483 --> 00:09:17,323
No need to look at the screen.

239
00:09:17,483 --> 00:09:18,083
Okay.

240
00:09:20,923 --> 00:09:23,843
[groans and growls]

241
00:09:42,283 --> 00:09:44,483
Okay. And from you, Steven?

242
00:09:46,603 --> 00:09:49,123
[groans and growls]

243
00:09:49,283 --> 00:09:51,323
[laughing]

244
00:09:52,483 --> 00:09:55,243
[groans and growls]

245
00:09:58,643 --> 00:10:00,243
Okay, okay, okay, just
hold it there, Steven.

246
00:10:00,403 --> 00:10:01,923
Ray, you are finished sir.

247
00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:03,003
Thank you, man, it was great.

248
00:10:03,163 --> 00:10:04,123
Great work, Ray. Thanks a lot.

249
00:10:04,283 --> 00:10:05,363
Your taxi's outside.

250
00:10:05,523 --> 00:10:07,003
Okay, thanks,
darling. Cheers Clem!

251
00:10:08,923 --> 00:10:10,123
Oh, and Toast?

252
00:10:11,763 --> 00:10:14,123
[Music] Ray.

253
00:10:14,283 --> 00:10:15,083
Cunt.

254
00:10:17,363 --> 00:10:18,323
Hey, thanks, Danny.

255
00:10:18,483 --> 00:10:19,603
Great, man. Brilliant.

256
00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:21,283
[overlapping voices]

257
00:10:21,443 --> 00:10:22,963
Sorry he's such a
prick. All the best.

258
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:23,803
Cheers.

259
00:10:23,963 --> 00:10:25,723
Okay, Steven?

260
00:10:25,883 --> 00:10:27,483
Feeling here is that you could
play it a little less gay.

261
00:10:27,643 --> 00:10:29,203
A little less gay?

262
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:31,483
Yeah, just need to bring
it down a bit, you know?

263
00:10:31,643 --> 00:10:33,923
It's just a bit over the top.

264
00:10:34,083 --> 00:10:35,043
It's a bit John
Inman, it's a bit-

265
00:10:35,203 --> 00:10:36,003
[laughs]

266
00:10:36,163 --> 00:10:37,323
It's just a bit camp.

267
00:10:37,483 --> 00:10:39,083
[laughs]

268
00:10:39,243 --> 00:10:40,643
Okay, I'm off.

269
00:10:40,803 --> 00:10:42,483
What?

270
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,323
Yeah, you think I can't
see you laughing in there?

271
00:10:44,483 --> 00:10:47,323
Yeah, you. You malnourished pimp

272
00:10:47,483 --> 00:10:49,123
with your World
War I facial hair

273
00:10:49,283 --> 00:10:50,363
and your sister's clothes.

274
00:10:50,523 --> 00:10:51,843
Steven.

275
00:10:52,003 --> 00:10:53,843
You shut the fuck
up, Clem Fandango!

276
00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:55,323
And your made up name.

277
00:10:55,483 --> 00:10:56,323
All right, Steven, Steven.

278
00:10:56,483 --> 00:10:57,243
We're not laughing at you.

279
00:10:57,403 --> 00:10:59,323
It's just something on YouTube.

280
00:10:59,483 --> 00:11:00,323
Give me your shoes.

281
00:11:00,483 --> 00:11:01,203
My shoes?

282
00:11:01,363 --> 00:11:02,283
Yeah, and my taxi fair.

283
00:11:02,443 --> 00:11:03,323
Take it off me fee.

284
00:11:06,323 --> 00:11:08,043
Fucking laugh at me,
you motherfucker.

285
00:11:11,683 --> 00:11:12,643
Luckily I just
bought another pair.

286
00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:13,403
[mimicking]

287
00:11:13,563 --> 00:11:14,723
Pair. Taxi fair.

288
00:11:17,363 --> 00:11:18,523
Fucking clown.

289
00:11:18,683 --> 00:11:21,403
[suspenseful music]

290
00:11:25,163 --> 00:11:27,403
[bell rings]

291
00:11:41,603 --> 00:11:43,803
[paper rips]

292
00:11:45,683 --> 00:11:48,083
Come on, you dirty bastard!

293
00:11:48,243 --> 00:11:49,923
Ah, Jesus.

294
00:11:50,083 --> 00:11:52,523
Shit a brick, Mrs Purchase!

295
00:11:52,683 --> 00:11:54,923
I think I'm losing my eyesight.

296
00:11:55,083 --> 00:11:56,483
Jesus Christ, Toast.

297
00:11:59,923 --> 00:12:01,283
I actually have gone blind.

298
00:12:01,443 --> 00:12:02,363
Have you?

299
00:12:02,523 --> 00:12:03,883
No, it's come back.

300
00:12:04,043 --> 00:12:05,323
God, I needed that
and no mistaking.

301
00:12:05,483 --> 00:12:07,003
Whoa.

302
00:12:07,163 --> 00:12:08,443
The last man who made love to me

303
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,083
like that just
got out of prison.

304
00:12:11,243 --> 00:12:12,683
If I wasn't stressed
enough already,

305
00:12:12,843 --> 00:12:15,043
then your husband turned up
to the voiceover session.

306
00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:17,643
Yeah, but he's
away all afternoon.

307
00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:19,923
He's on some protest
against gay marriage.

308
00:12:20,083 --> 00:12:21,803
He's notoriously homophobic.

309
00:12:21,963 --> 00:12:22,723
Yeah.

310
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:26,163
Toast?

311
00:12:27,843 --> 00:12:29,443
Since when have you started
wearing boys trainers?

312
00:12:29,603 --> 00:12:31,443
Since Lloyd Webber
took my shoes.

313
00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:32,883
Well, where's the other one?

314
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,963
I don't know, it's the
least of my problems.

315
00:12:35,123 --> 00:12:35,923
You all right, Toast?

316
00:12:36,083 --> 00:12:37,723
No.

317
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:38,723
[tense music]

318
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,483
Michael Ball is after me.

319
00:12:40,643 --> 00:12:41,403
No.

320
00:12:41,563 --> 00:12:42,963
Yes.

321
00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:45,243
One unusual fact
about Michael Ball.

322
00:12:45,403 --> 00:12:47,203
He has a vast amount
of blood in his body.

323
00:12:47,363 --> 00:12:48,283
Really?

324
00:12:48,443 --> 00:12:50,123
I read somewhere he has double

325
00:12:50,283 --> 00:12:52,083
the amount than
your average person.

326
00:12:52,243 --> 00:12:54,563
Apparently it helps him belt
out those power ballads.

327
00:12:54,723 --> 00:12:56,763
Well, he'll be after your
ballads if you don't pay up.

328
00:12:56,923 --> 00:12:58,443
Yeah.

329
00:12:58,603 --> 00:12:59,563
He's probably waiting
for me at the theatre.

330
00:12:59,723 --> 00:13:01,043
I'll be ready.

331
00:13:01,203 --> 00:13:02,683
Has your soppy husband
got any clean shirts?

332
00:13:02,843 --> 00:13:04,403
Yeah, on that chair over there.

333
00:13:04,563 --> 00:13:07,043
[door opens]

334
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,603
[Ray] You upstairs, darling?

335
00:13:08,763 --> 00:13:10,643
Oh, shit, it's Ray.

336
00:13:10,803 --> 00:13:14,203
[Ray] Not enough anti-gays
turned up at the protest.

337
00:13:14,363 --> 00:13:17,043
Good news for society.
Bad news for Steven Roast.

338
00:13:17,203 --> 00:13:18,683
Quick, under the bed, Toast.

339
00:13:18,843 --> 00:13:19,523
Absolutely not.

340
00:13:19,683 --> 00:13:20,923
What?

341
00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:21,963
I'm not hiding
from Ray Purchase.

342
00:13:22,123 --> 00:13:24,003
It's about time we came clean.

343
00:13:24,163 --> 00:13:25,563
Plimsolls? What's
all this about?

344
00:13:25,723 --> 00:13:27,683
So, where is the young buck who-

345
00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:29,123
[door slams]

346
00:13:29,283 --> 00:13:30,163
Toast!

347
00:13:30,323 --> 00:13:31,163
Purchase.

348
00:13:32,843 --> 00:13:35,163
I thought I could smell cheap
aftershave and bullshit.

349
00:13:35,323 --> 00:13:37,003
Ray, careful of
your blood pressure.

350
00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:38,963
Remember what Dr. Wo-Joe said.

351
00:13:39,123 --> 00:13:41,963
Toast, I may appear
completely calm.

352
00:13:42,123 --> 00:13:44,323
However, inwardly I
am in fact working

353
00:13:44,483 --> 00:13:45,483
out exactly how
I'm gonna kill you,

354
00:13:45,643 --> 00:13:46,803
and this time I will kill you.

355
00:13:46,963 --> 00:13:48,643
I shit thee nay!

356
00:13:48,803 --> 00:13:50,443
Oh, give it a rest, Ray.

357
00:13:50,603 --> 00:13:51,563
So, what have you done
with the young stud

358
00:13:51,723 --> 00:13:53,163
who was wearing
these, where is he?

359
00:13:53,323 --> 00:13:54,483
Thought you'd have a
three piece, did you?

360
00:13:54,643 --> 00:13:55,403
A what?

361
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:57,963
A threesome, you prat.

362
00:13:59,843 --> 00:14:02,123
Those trainers belong to
Toast. He's borrowed them.

363
00:14:02,283 --> 00:14:03,963
Who from, a 15-year-old?

364
00:14:04,123 --> 00:14:05,123
So where are your proper shoes?

365
00:14:05,283 --> 00:14:06,483
Andrew Lloyd Webber has them.

366
00:14:06,643 --> 00:14:07,683
What?

367
00:14:07,843 --> 00:14:09,363
Wait a second.

368
00:14:09,523 --> 00:14:11,723
Are you wearing my shirt?

369
00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:13,443
All right, Purchase.

370
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:14,723
Now if someone
slept with my wife,

371
00:14:14,883 --> 00:14:16,643
I'd be equally irritated.

372
00:14:16,803 --> 00:14:19,763
But she is one
feisty, independently
minded, modern gal.

373
00:14:19,923 --> 00:14:22,203
She can sleep with
whoever she pleases.

374
00:14:22,363 --> 00:14:24,043
Another woman if
it took her fancy.

375
00:14:24,203 --> 00:14:25,563
Hey, yeah, I'm cool with that,

376
00:14:25,723 --> 00:14:26,643
Ray, what about-

377
00:14:26,803 --> 00:14:27,603
Never!

378
00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:31,083
Well, if you wouldn't
mind getting out of my-

379
00:14:31,243 --> 00:14:32,523
You're going nowhere, Toast.

380
00:14:32,683 --> 00:14:33,963
Oh, grow up, Ray.

381
00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:40,163
[gunshots]

382
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:41,163
Honestly.

383
00:14:42,843 --> 00:14:44,323
I'm serious, Toast.

384
00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:45,683
I'm gonna kill you.

385
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,203
[tense music]

386
00:14:49,603 --> 00:14:51,123
What?

387
00:14:51,283 --> 00:14:53,163
I just always wondered why

388
00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:55,003
you walked in such
a strange manner.

389
00:14:55,163 --> 00:14:57,483
What the hell are
you talking about?

390
00:14:57,643 --> 00:14:58,723
Well, did you know you had

391
00:14:58,883 --> 00:14:59,963
one leg shorter than the other?

392
00:15:00,123 --> 00:15:01,083
No, I don't.

393
00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,083
Do I?

394
00:15:04,243 --> 00:15:05,403
[thumps]

395
00:15:05,563 --> 00:15:08,283
[suspenseful music]

396
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:16,563
[tense music]

397
00:15:24,843 --> 00:15:26,163
Afternoon, Norris.

398
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:39,843
Me? No, I haven't been out.

399
00:15:40,003 --> 00:15:41,363
Yeah. I'm a lazy bitch.

400
00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:42,763
[groans]

401
00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:47,763
Oh, must kill Toast.

402
00:15:47,923 --> 00:15:49,363
Yeah, let's meet for
coffee in the morning.

403
00:15:49,523 --> 00:15:50,403
You can tell me all about

404
00:15:50,563 --> 00:15:52,963
your stepson's half brother.

405
00:15:53,123 --> 00:15:54,163
Talking of your cafe,

406
00:15:54,323 --> 00:15:55,603
whatever happened to that

407
00:15:55,763 --> 00:15:57,203
young artist with
the gorgeous arse

408
00:15:57,363 --> 00:15:59,203
that used to come
in on a Friday?

409
00:15:59,363 --> 00:16:01,123
[yells]

410
00:16:01,283 --> 00:16:02,523
Well, with an arse like that,

411
00:16:02,683 --> 00:16:03,723
I'm sure he can
do what he likes.

412
00:16:05,723 --> 00:16:08,083
[tense music]

413
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,483
Andrew simply wants his money,

414
00:16:26,643 --> 00:16:28,763
and I'm going to get it for him.

415
00:16:28,923 --> 00:16:31,163
It's not rocket science.

416
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,563
[Tannoy rings]

417
00:16:32,723 --> 00:16:34,003
[Tannoy] Two-minute
call for Steven Toast.

418
00:16:34,163 --> 00:16:37,083
[suspenseful music]

419
00:16:42,923 --> 00:16:44,763
Out of my way!

420
00:16:44,923 --> 00:16:47,323
Get out of my way.

421
00:16:47,483 --> 00:16:48,563
I have a concealed weapon.

422
00:16:53,563 --> 00:16:55,603
[rustling]

423
00:16:58,563 --> 00:17:01,203
[applause and boos]

424
00:17:01,363 --> 00:17:03,043
That'll be our king.

425
00:17:03,203 --> 00:17:05,563
[Man] It's timing
as perfect as usual.

426
00:17:05,723 --> 00:17:07,203
Everything is in place.

427
00:17:07,363 --> 00:17:10,003
We are all gathered
in anticipation.

428
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,203
[Man] Please enter, Your Grace.

429
00:17:14,083 --> 00:17:16,043
[boos]

430
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,403
[Audience member]
Get off the stage!

431
00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:22,083
All praise him,
for He is Divine.

432
00:17:22,243 --> 00:17:27,163
All praise him,
for He is Divine.

433
00:17:27,323 --> 00:17:31,963
All praise him,
for He is Divine.

434
00:17:33,123 --> 00:17:34,443
[Audience member] This is shit.

435
00:17:34,603 --> 00:17:36,043
Oh, bastard.

436
00:17:36,203 --> 00:17:41,203
All praise him,
for He is Divine.

437
00:17:41,363 --> 00:17:42,203
All praise him,
for He is Divine.

438
00:17:42,363 --> 00:17:43,643
Excuse me.

439
00:17:43,803 --> 00:17:45,323
What?

440
00:17:45,483 --> 00:17:46,683
Do you happen to know
where the toilets are?

441
00:17:48,403 --> 00:17:50,403
Yes, they're just down
there on the left.

442
00:17:50,563 --> 00:17:52,603
Thank you so much.

443
00:17:52,763 --> 00:17:54,523
For He is Divine.

444
00:17:54,683 --> 00:17:56,003
All praise him-

445
00:17:56,163 --> 00:17:58,323
Stupid cow.

446
00:17:58,483 --> 00:17:59,323
Fuck's sake.

447
00:17:59,483 --> 00:18:01,243
The ceremony can now begin.

448
00:18:01,403 --> 00:18:04,163
Let our High Priest
step forward.

449
00:18:04,323 --> 00:18:06,403
[sinister music]

450
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,723
You can't escape
Lloyd Webber, Toast.

451
00:18:08,883 --> 00:18:11,563
This play stops until
Andrew gets his money.

452
00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:13,843
It's not rocket science.

453
00:18:14,003 --> 00:18:16,003
You've got a fucking nerve.

454
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,843
Leaping onto the stage
during another actor's play.

455
00:18:19,003 --> 00:18:21,363
You of all people should
know better than that, Ball.

456
00:18:21,523 --> 00:18:24,283
♪ You don't seem to understand ♪

457
00:18:24,443 --> 00:18:27,403
♪ You owe Lord Webber 20 grand ♪

458
00:18:27,563 --> 00:18:30,643
♪ You must place it in my ♪

459
00:18:30,803 --> 00:18:35,563
♪ hand! ♪

460
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:40,443
♪ hand! ♪

461
00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:53,043
[applause]

462
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,563
All right, Toast.

463
00:18:58,723 --> 00:19:00,483
Looks like your luck
has finally shit out.

464
00:19:00,643 --> 00:19:01,363
What's with the-

465
00:19:01,523 --> 00:19:02,323
This is serious, Toast.

466
00:19:02,483 --> 00:19:03,963
You've never taken me seriously.

467
00:19:04,123 --> 00:19:05,763
Who the fuck is this?

468
00:19:05,923 --> 00:19:07,043
His name's Ray Purchase.

469
00:19:07,203 --> 00:19:08,843
He's a massive idiot.

470
00:19:10,123 --> 00:19:10,763
[gunshot]

471
00:19:10,923 --> 00:19:12,963
[ricochet]

472
00:19:13,123 --> 00:19:14,523
[screams]

473
00:19:14,683 --> 00:19:16,203
Shit. I'm off.

474
00:19:17,963 --> 00:19:19,123
Stand back, everyone.

475
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,803
There'll be a lot of blood.

476
00:19:20,963 --> 00:19:23,563
Yes. I have double the
amount of blood in my body.

477
00:19:23,723 --> 00:19:24,483
I know.

478
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,163
Oh dear. Look out.

479
00:19:27,323 --> 00:19:28,723
[audience groans]

480
00:19:28,883 --> 00:19:29,963
By the way, Toast.

481
00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:32,443
I know about you and Phoebe.

482
00:19:32,603 --> 00:19:33,643
Who?

483
00:19:33,803 --> 00:19:35,283
My ex-girlfriend, Phoebe.

484
00:19:35,443 --> 00:19:37,643
Phoebe. Is that how
you pronounce it?

485
00:19:37,803 --> 00:19:39,403
I thought it was 'Phobe'.

486
00:19:39,563 --> 00:19:42,043
No, it's pronounced Phoebe.

487
00:19:42,203 --> 00:19:43,403
Well, you were out
of the picture, Ball.

488
00:19:43,563 --> 00:19:44,923
She was fair game.

489
00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:47,243
She told me she'd hooked
up with some second-rate

490
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:50,763
actor begging for
scraps at the chip shop.

491
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:54,203
Who I now discover finds
himself appearing in what is

492
00:19:54,363 --> 00:19:57,243
generally regarded as the
worst play ever produced.

493
00:19:57,403 --> 00:19:58,123
[Audience member]
Too fucking right!

494
00:19:58,283 --> 00:20:00,203
10 minutes after I left.

495
00:20:01,403 --> 00:20:03,443
Too soon, Toast. Too soon.

496
00:20:05,323 --> 00:20:07,123
It's not rocket side.

497
00:20:08,523 --> 00:20:11,083
Well, if there's any
consolation, Fee-

498
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:12,123
Phoebe.

499
00:20:12,283 --> 00:20:13,683
She dumped me pretty sharpish.

500
00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:15,683
By the way, Toast.

501
00:20:15,843 --> 00:20:16,643
What?

502
00:20:18,603 --> 00:20:19,403
Could you possibly
call me an ambulance?

503
00:20:19,563 --> 00:20:21,163
I think it's too late, Ball.

504
00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:23,443
I mean, there's a hell
of a lot of blood.

505
00:20:23,603 --> 00:20:26,203
Oh, okay.

506
00:20:26,363 --> 00:20:29,003
Well, then, could you see
that my body is placed

507
00:20:29,163 --> 00:20:32,243
in an air-tight capsule and
launched into outer space?

508
00:20:34,323 --> 00:20:37,003
It's what my fans would want.

509
00:20:37,163 --> 00:20:39,523
Well, hang on a minute,
that is rocket science.

510
00:20:39,683 --> 00:20:40,443
Yes, Toast.

511
00:20:42,403 --> 00:20:47,163
I rather think, it is.

512
00:20:47,323 --> 00:20:50,203
[applause]

513
00:20:51,523 --> 00:20:54,643
[cheers]

514
00:21:13,803 --> 00:21:16,203
[jazzy music]

515
00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:25,323
Can you believe it?

516
00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:27,323
What a turnaround.

517
00:21:27,483 --> 00:21:29,963
'Experimental theatre
at its finest',

518
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:31,683
according to The Standard.

519
00:21:31,843 --> 00:21:35,203
It's a pity Michael Ball
isn't in it every night?

520
00:21:35,363 --> 00:21:37,763
Yes. I hate to admit it, but
he still delivers the goods.

521
00:21:37,923 --> 00:21:39,723
He died earlier today.

522
00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:41,243
Did he, that's a shame.

523
00:21:41,403 --> 00:21:42,923
Did they arrest Ray Purchase?

524
00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:44,803
There'll be enough witnesses
to hang that bastard.

525
00:21:44,963 --> 00:21:47,723
More importantly, I have
good news on the Bond front.

526
00:21:47,883 --> 00:21:49,163
Are you sitting down?

527
00:21:49,323 --> 00:21:50,603
Well, I'm clearly
sitting down, Jane.

528
00:21:50,763 --> 00:21:51,523
You've got the role.

529
00:21:51,683 --> 00:21:52,923
Really?

530
00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:54,643
But I made a slight error.

531
00:21:54,803 --> 00:21:56,163
They don't actually want you for

532
00:21:56,323 --> 00:21:58,123
the role of James Bond.

533
00:21:58,283 --> 00:22:00,643
They want you for
'Double Take Man'.

534
00:22:00,803 --> 00:22:01,843
Is he a regular?

535
00:22:02,003 --> 00:22:04,243
No, he fucking isn't.

536
00:22:04,403 --> 00:22:07,443
He's just a man who
looks incredulous, twice.

537
00:22:07,603 --> 00:22:09,163
He's no more than an extra.

538
00:22:09,323 --> 00:22:11,723
How the fuck could
you get that so wrong?

539
00:22:11,883 --> 00:22:13,523
Can you stop swearing?

540
00:22:13,683 --> 00:22:15,283
The finer details must have
been on the attachments

541
00:22:15,443 --> 00:22:16,443
and I don't normally
read attachments.

542
00:22:16,603 --> 00:22:17,883
Unbelievable.

543
00:22:18,043 --> 00:22:19,883
Lydia, where the hell
is Toast's parcel?

544
00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:20,843
[Lydia] It's just on-

545
00:22:21,003 --> 00:22:23,803
I know I can see it, now!

546
00:22:23,963 --> 00:22:27,003
Ooh, it's from Lloyd Webber.

547
00:22:27,163 --> 00:22:28,923
Tremendous news, he's taken
over production of your play.

548
00:22:29,083 --> 00:22:30,123
What does it say?

549
00:22:30,283 --> 00:22:33,123
Don't worry about the £20,000.

550
00:22:33,283 --> 00:22:36,643
Sorry I took your shoes,
I hope these fit nicely.

551
00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:41,443
Oh. Sweet.

552
00:22:41,603 --> 00:22:45,763
♪ If you find yourself in ♪

553
00:22:45,923 --> 00:22:50,323
♪ In bad debt ♪

554
00:22:50,483 --> 00:22:54,563
♪ Please be sure that I will ♪

555
00:22:54,723 --> 00:22:58,323
♪ Collect ♪

556
00:22:58,483 --> 00:23:00,043
♪ Tonight ♪

557
00:23:00,203 --> 00:23:05,123
♪ You're my bonus ball ♪