It's tremendous news.
They wanna see me for James Bond?
Yes. What a break.
After how many years in the industry?
10, 15?
28.
Ha! I knew Craig would choke it.
Too many stunts and he's always
looked like the villain.
Do you think they'll expect me to talk?
You won't do that, will you?
[suspenseful music]
I'm here for Bond.
Steven Toast.
Who?
Steven Toast.
Okay. Take a seat.
Havers.
Morning, Toast.
Fassbender.
Steven.
Steven Toast?
[suspenseful music]
The name's Bond.
James Bond.
[gunshots]
Hey!
What the hell do you think you're playing at?
Oh, shit.
[drum roll]
[suspenseful music]
♪ If you find yourself ♪
♪ In bad debt ♪
♪ Please be sure that I will ♪
♪ Collect ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ You're my bonus ball ♪
[gunshot]
[clinking of coins]
[typing]
Jane?
[Jane] Fucking idiot.
You heard, yeah.
It wasn't great.
Clearly.
No, I misjudged it. I think I've frightened some of them.
Still, they'll realise I'm the right man
for the job when they see the other no-hopers.
Oh yeah. All right, see you.
Ooh.
[typing]
Hi, it's Toast. I'm in a phone box.
[Mrs Purchase] What?
I lost my mobile in an audition,
but luckily one of your
prostitute cards is in here.
Look, I can't make it tonight.
I'm playing poker with
Elaine Paige and Lloyd Webber,
but I'll see you tomorrow at 3:00 PM.
[growls]
[tense music]
So, this is it, chaps. All eyes on me.
Three Kings.
I believe it's your turn, Elaine Paige.
Time to pull your winkle out as my gran used to say.
[laughs]
Excuse that.
[Elaine] I've got nothing.
[laughs]
Bad luck, EP.
Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.
So, Andrew Lloyd Webber, looks like it's you and me.
And if I was you I'd make this swift, no one wants to look
like a top arsehole in front of their floozy.
Excuse that.
[tense music]
[Andrew laughs]
He can't do that, can he?
You knew that was all the money I had.
I could puke.
[Steven pukes]
[Andrew] Lots of lovely money. Lovely.
Forgotten something, Toast?
I don't have any money for a taxi.
I deign it for you to have a pound.
[thud]
You still owe Lloyd Webber, £20,000, Toast.
Yeah, well, you can tell
Mr. Lloyd Weber that he can shove that
up his Starlight express.
[Andrew laughs]
Oh, I'm growing a tail.
[mutters]
Ah, there he is.
[laughs]
Toast!
What the hell are you doing here this early?
I have alarming news, Jane.
To go with the alarming smell?
Suddenly reeks of a working men's club in here.
Working men in this room?
That'd be a first.
You look dreadful, Toast.
Please take your feet off my desk.
Where are your shoes?
Lloyd Webber took them.
Bloody poker.
How much did you lose?
I owe him £20,000.
Well, I expect you'll be receiving
a visit from Michael Ball soon, then.
[tense music]
Michael Ball?
Yes, Ball is Lloyd Webber's enforcer. Has been for years.
Anyone owes L.W. money, Ball picks it up.
Obviously he doesn't have to do it,
but it gives him something to do in
the day between shows and winning awards.
Shit.
What now, Toast?
I slept with Michael Ball's girlfriend
not long after they split up.
How long after?
About 10 minutes.
Fucking idiot.
Unusually attractive girl, great sense of humour,
much like myself. We laughed a lot.
Well, he probably won't remember you.
Why would you say that?
Well, in general I've noticed
people tend not to remember you.
That's a hell of a necklace, Jane.
Shut up, Toast.
[phone rings]
Jane Plough.
Oh, he's here now, actually, let me ask him.
Urgent dubbing request just in.
Dubbing? Fuck that.
Just bear with me.
Shall I get some more details?
No.
[crosstalk]
May as well.
Don't waste your time, Jane.
I'll ask him, more details?
Yes. It's a new film,
young maverick Danish director,
arthouse, highbrow stuff,
German-Spanish co-production,
today, DVD, English, five-
I didn't understand any of that, Jane,
it was just single words.
Sorry, Toast. It needs to be dubbed into English
for eventual DVD release.
They're offering £5,000.
I'll do it.
Great. He'll do it.
He'll be there in two and a half minutes.
Where is it?
Scramble studios.
What, those aresholes?
Well, they wouldn't know highbrow from holy water.
Could you please get out, now?
Top arsehole.
[jaunty music]
What all those people doing there?
Oh, you know, they just work here.
Well, let's get on, I've got an appointment later.
All right, no problems, Steven.
So, dubbing some gay arthouse erotica.
Some what?
Don't have a problem playing gay, do you?
Gay? No.
I mean, I won't play a bald man.
Not even on Radio 4, but I'm not gay sceptic.
Let's go.
Okay, well, good.
Okay. So the guy you're working with-
What guy?
The guy playing the other part.
Who?
Name's Ray Purchase, do you know him?
Incredibly homophobic,
he hates gays and the whole gay scene.
[door opens]
Oh.
Ray Fucking Purchase.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
You two know each other, that's great.
No, it isn't.
You hypocrite, Purchase.
You're the most homophobic actor in London.
What's this, 'gay for pay'?
I don't like to see grown up men kissing, Toast.
I fail to see what the fuck it's got to do with you.
Okay, gents.
That's a good idea.
What is?
Not wearing shoes.
You know, it's a bit relaxed,
a bit comfortable.
Okay, so I believe you are voicing
the character of Miguel.
Right.
Coming at you, we're gonna start with Ray.
My name is Helmut from Munich.
You must be Miguel.
Yes, I am. Hola.
You are keen, my friend,
but I asked the agency for a blond man.
I am sorry to disappoint you.
It was not what I was expecting.
Really? Would you like me to put my underpants back on?
Hi Steven, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
Yes. I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
This is going great, Steven, really terrific.
One note from the director,
he really wants you to
pronounce it 'unterpantzi'.
Really give it everything.
Here we go.
My unterpantzi.
Sorry, I'll do that again.
Put my unterpantzi back on.
That's great, it's really, really good.
Do you wanna take a little break before the next bit?
No, let's just keep going.
Calm down, Toast.
[kisses and groans]
[groans]
[kisses and groans]
[yells and groans]
[laughing]
All right, all right, okay, we're nearly there, okay.
Just some solo kissing from you, Ray, all right?
No need to look at the screen.
Okay.
[groans and growls]
Okay. And from you, Steven?
[groans and growls]
[laughing]
[groans and growls]
Okay, okay, okay, just hold it there, Steven.
Ray, you are finished sir.
Thank you, man, it was great.
Great work, Ray. Thanks a lot.
Your taxi's outside.
Okay, thanks, darling. Cheers Clem!
Oh, and Toast?
[Music] Ray.
Cunt.
Hey, thanks, Danny.
Great, man. Brilliant.
[overlapping voices]
Sorry he's such a prick. All the best.
Cheers.
Okay, Steven?
Feeling here is that you could play it a little less gay.
A little less gay?
Yeah, just need to bring it down a bit, you know?
It's just a bit over the top.
It's a bit John Inman, it's a bit-
[laughs]
It's just a bit camp.
[laughs]
Okay, I'm off.
What?
Yeah, you think I can't see you laughing in there?
Yeah, you. You malnourished pimp
with your World War I facial hair
and your sister's clothes.
Steven.
You shut the fuck up, Clem Fandango!
And your made up name.
All right, Steven, Steven.
We're not laughing at you.
It's just something on YouTube.
Give me your shoes.
My shoes?
Yeah, and my taxi fair.
Take it off me fee.
Fucking laugh at me, you motherfucker.
Luckily I just bought another pair.
[mimicking]
Pair. Taxi fair.
Fucking clown.
[suspenseful music]
[bell rings]
[paper rips]
Come on, you dirty bastard!
Ah, Jesus.
Shit a brick, Mrs Purchase!
I think I'm losing my eyesight.
Jesus Christ, Toast.
I actually have gone blind.
Have you?
No, it's come back.
God, I needed that and no mistaking.
Whoa.
The last man who made love to me
like that just got out of prison.
If I wasn't stressed enough already,
then your husband turned up to the voiceover session.
Yeah, but he's away all afternoon.
He's on some protest against gay marriage.
He's notoriously homophobic.
Yeah.
Toast?
Since when have you started wearing boys trainers?
Since Lloyd Webber took my shoes.
Well, where's the other one?
I don't know, it's the least of my problems.
You all right, Toast?
No.
[tense music]
Michael Ball is after me.
No.
Yes.
One unusual fact about Michael Ball.
He has a vast amount of blood in his body.
Really?
I read somewhere he has double
the amount than your average person.
Apparently it helps him belt out those power ballads.
Well, he'll be after your ballads if you don't pay up.
Yeah.
He's probably waiting for me at the theatre.
I'll be ready.
Has your soppy husband got any clean shirts?
Yeah, on that chair over there.
[door opens]
[Ray] You upstairs, darling?
Oh, shit, it's Ray.
[Ray] Not enough anti-gays turned up at the protest.
Good news for society. Bad news for Steven Roast.
Quick, under the bed, Toast.
Absolutely not.
What?
I'm not hiding from Ray Purchase.
It's about time we came clean.
Plimsolls? What's all this about?
So, where is the young buck who-
[door slams]
Toast!
Purchase.
I thought I could smell cheap aftershave and bullshit.
Ray, careful of your blood pressure.
Remember what Dr. Wo-Joe said.
Toast, I may appear completely calm.
However, inwardly I am in fact working
out exactly how I'm gonna kill you,
and this time I will kill you.
I shit thee nay!
Oh, give it a rest, Ray.
So, what have you done with the young stud
who was wearing these, where is he?
Thought you'd have a three piece, did you?
A what?
A threesome, you prat.
Those trainers belong to Toast. He's borrowed them.
Who from, a 15-year-old?
So where are your proper shoes?
Andrew Lloyd Webber has them.
What?
Wait a second.
Are you wearing my shirt?
All right, Purchase.
Now if someone slept with my wife,
I'd be equally irritated.
But she is one feisty, independently minded, modern gal.
She can sleep with whoever she pleases.
Another woman if it took her fancy.
Hey, yeah, I'm cool with that,
Ray, what about-
Never!
Well, if you wouldn't mind getting out of my-
You're going nowhere, Toast.
Oh, grow up, Ray.
[gunshots]
Honestly.
I'm serious, Toast.
I'm gonna kill you.
[tense music]
What?
I just always wondered why
you walked in such a strange manner.
What the hell are you talking about?
Well, did you know you had
one leg shorter than the other?
No, I don't.
Do I?
[thumps]
[suspenseful music]
[tense music]
Afternoon, Norris.
Me? No, I haven't been out.
Yeah. I'm a lazy bitch.
[groans]
Oh, must kill Toast.
Yeah, let's meet for coffee in the morning.
You can tell me all about
your stepson's half brother.
Talking of your cafe,
whatever happened to that
young artist with the gorgeous arse
that used to come in on a Friday?
[yells]
Well, with an arse like that,
I'm sure he can do what he likes.
[tense music]
Andrew simply wants his money,
and I'm going to get it for him.
It's not rocket science.
[Tannoy rings]
[Tannoy] Two-minute call for Steven Toast.
[suspenseful music]
Out of my way!
Get out of my way.
I have a concealed weapon.
[rustling]
[applause and boos]
That'll be our king.
[Man] It's timing as perfect as usual.
Everything is in place.
We are all gathered in anticipation.
[Man] Please enter, Your Grace.
[boos]
[Audience member] Get off the stage!
All praise him, for He is Divine.
[Audience member] This is shit.
Oh, bastard.
All praise him, for He is Divine.
Excuse me.
What?
Do you happen to know where the toilets are?
Yes, they're just down there on the left.
Thank you so much.
For He is Divine.
All praise him-
Stupid cow.
Fuck's sake.
The ceremony can now begin.
Let our High Priest step forward.
[sinister music]
You can't escape Lloyd Webber, Toast.
This play stops until Andrew gets his money.
It's not rocket science.
You've got a fucking nerve.
Leaping onto the stage during another actor's play.
You of all people should know better than that, Ball.
♪ You don't seem to understand ♪
♪ You owe Lord Webber 20 grand ♪
♪ You must place it in my ♪
♪ hand! ♪
[applause]
All right, Toast.
Looks like your luck has finally shit out.
What's with the-
This is serious, Toast.
You've never taken me seriously.
Who the fuck is this?
His name's Ray Purchase.
He's a massive idiot.
[gunshot]
[ricochet]
[screams]
Shit. I'm off.
Stand back, everyone.
There'll be a lot of blood.
Yes. I have double the amount of blood in my body.
I know.
Oh dear. Look out.
[audience groans]
By the way, Toast.
I know about you and Phoebe.
Who?
My ex-girlfriend, Phoebe.
Phoebe. Is that how you pronounce it?
I thought it was 'Phobe'.
No, it's pronounced Phoebe.
Well, you were out of the picture, Ball.
She was fair game.
She told me she'd hooked up with some second-rate
actor begging for scraps at the chip shop.
Who I now discover finds himself appearing in what is
generally regarded as the worst play ever produced.
[Audience member] Too fucking right!
10 minutes after I left.
Too soon, Toast. Too soon.
It's not rocket side.
Well, if there's any consolation, Fee-
Phoebe.
She dumped me pretty sharpish.
By the way, Toast.
What?
Could you possibly call me an ambulance?
I think it's too late, Ball.
I mean, there's a hell of a lot of blood.
Oh, okay.
Well, then, could you see that my body is placed
in an air-tight capsule and launched into outer space?
It's what my fans would want.
Well, hang on a minute, that is rocket science.
Yes, Toast.
I rather think, it is.
[applause]
[cheers]
[jazzy music]
Can you believe it?
What a turnaround.
'Experimental theatre at its finest',
according to The Standard.
It's a pity Michael Ball isn't in it every night?
Yes. I hate to admit it, but he still delivers the goods.
He died earlier today.
Did he, that's a shame.
Did they arrest Ray Purchase?
There'll be enough witnesses to hang that bastard.
More importantly, I have good news on the Bond front.
Are you sitting down?
Well, I'm clearly sitting down, Jane.
You've got the role.
Really?
But I made a slight error.
They don't actually want you for
the role of James Bond.
They want you for 'Double Take Man'.
Is he a regular?
No, he fucking isn't.
He's just a man who looks incredulous, twice.
He's no more than an extra.
How the fuck could you get that so wrong?
Can you stop swearing?
The finer details must have been on the attachments
and I don't normally read attachments.
Unbelievable.
Lydia, where the hell is Toast's parcel?
[Lydia] It's just on-
I know I can see it, now!
Ooh, it's from Lloyd Webber.
Tremendous news, he's taken over production of your play.
What does it say?
Don't worry about the £20,000.
Sorry I took your shoes, I hope these fit nicely.
Oh. Sweet.
♪ If you find yourself in ♪
♪ In bad debt ♪
♪ Please be sure that I will ♪
♪ Collect ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ You're my bonus ball ♪