1 00:00:01,003 --> 00:00:02,323 [whimsical jingle] 2 00:00:02,483 --> 00:00:04,883 [Toast] Remember, check out giveusajob.biz, 3 00:00:05,043 --> 00:00:07,763 and find a new career today. 4 00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:09,483 Phone us on- 5 00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:10,803 [Danny] That's great, Steven. That's literally it. 6 00:00:10,963 --> 00:00:13,283 What? You don't want me to finish it? 7 00:00:13,443 --> 00:00:15,403 There's no phone number. It just stops. 8 00:00:15,563 --> 00:00:17,203 All good, buddy. 9 00:00:17,363 --> 00:00:19,883 It's half an advert. It's a bit bloody peculiar, isn't it? 10 00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:21,683 Steven, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me- 11 00:00:21,843 --> 00:00:23,843 Shut up. I'm talking to the grown up. 12 00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:25,283 Who the hell wants half an advert? 13 00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:26,643 Honestly, Steven, don't worry, all right? 14 00:00:26,803 --> 00:00:28,323 It's just a demo for some new client. 15 00:00:28,483 --> 00:00:29,723 I mean, it probably won't go anywhere anyway. 16 00:00:29,883 --> 00:00:31,763 What the hell are you talking about? 17 00:00:31,923 --> 00:00:33,483 Steven? Look, we've really gotta wrap this up, 18 00:00:33,643 --> 00:00:35,123 and crack on with another session. 19 00:00:36,923 --> 00:00:38,043 Is that Colin? 20 00:00:38,203 --> 00:00:38,803 Yeah, yeah, he's waiting outside. 21 00:00:38,963 --> 00:00:40,523 All right, all right. 22 00:00:40,683 --> 00:00:42,603 I suppose I'll see you two next Thursday. 23 00:00:42,763 --> 00:00:43,603 -Mm -Mm. 24 00:00:43,763 --> 00:00:46,043 Hmm. Actually, Steven. 25 00:00:46,203 --> 00:00:47,803 What? 26 00:00:47,963 --> 00:00:49,203 Would you mind showing Colin in on your way out? 27 00:00:49,363 --> 00:00:50,403 Only, I don't think he's been here before. 28 00:00:50,563 --> 00:00:53,043 [Steven sighs] 29 00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,923 It's just through there. I think they're expecting you. 30 00:00:59,083 --> 00:01:00,763 I know what it is, thank you, big boy. 31 00:01:03,243 --> 00:01:06,083 [muffled laughter] 32 00:01:09,323 --> 00:01:11,643 [Danny] God, I would never have known he's such a dick. 33 00:01:13,443 --> 00:01:14,123 What? 34 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,363 Are you sure he's gone? 35 00:01:15,523 --> 00:01:17,163 Oh yeah. 36 00:01:17,323 --> 00:01:17,843 Just gonna play some of the guide through your headphones. 37 00:01:18,003 --> 00:01:18,763 Okay. 38 00:01:20,003 --> 00:01:20,763 Got it. 39 00:01:22,563 --> 00:01:23,123 We're rolling? 40 00:01:25,123 --> 00:01:28,883 Remember, click on giveusajob.biz today 41 00:01:29,043 --> 00:01:31,763 and find a better job. 42 00:01:31,923 --> 00:01:35,123 There's a great new career out there waiting for you. 43 00:01:36,163 --> 00:01:40,483 Phone us on 08081 570 000. 44 00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:41,723 What the f... 45 00:01:41,883 --> 00:01:44,723 [upbeat piano music] 46 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,043 I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Steven. 47 00:02:09,203 --> 00:02:10,443 Well, it's a bit early for me, 48 00:02:10,603 --> 00:02:12,163 but your chef was very insistent. 49 00:02:12,323 --> 00:02:13,803 I know. He's a wee devil, isn't he? 50 00:02:13,963 --> 00:02:15,843 [Toast] He is. Anyway, bottoms up. 51 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,803 So, I understand you are returning 52 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:20,323 to the theatre in the Scottish play. 53 00:02:20,483 --> 00:02:22,243 Yes. And I notice you didn't say it. 54 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,643 I know. 55 00:02:23,803 --> 00:02:24,763 Is it still a big no-no in theatrical circles 56 00:02:24,923 --> 00:02:25,883 to actually say Macbeth? 57 00:02:27,563 --> 00:02:28,843 Yeah. 58 00:02:29,003 --> 00:02:30,363 Anyway, it's a great part. 59 00:02:30,523 --> 00:02:32,603 And it's in Regents Park. It's in the open air. 60 00:02:32,763 --> 00:02:34,603 Yeah. I mean, it's always a pleasure to do Shakespeare, 61 00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:36,443 and it's a nice bonus that you get some fresh air 62 00:02:36,603 --> 00:02:37,283 at the same time. 63 00:02:39,083 --> 00:02:40,923 Well, it's being simultaneously broadcast, of course, 64 00:02:41,083 --> 00:02:44,123 live on ITV's Night of Culture. 65 00:02:45,883 --> 00:02:46,723 Is it? 66 00:02:46,883 --> 00:02:47,963 -Yes. -Right. 67 00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:49,803 Well, I wasn't aware of that. 68 00:02:49,963 --> 00:02:51,203 [Lorraine] Yeah, it is because you know, 69 00:02:51,363 --> 00:02:54,443 doing a whole Shakespeare play live on TV. 70 00:02:54,603 --> 00:02:55,963 I mean that's, you know, it's brave. 71 00:02:56,123 --> 00:02:57,123 It must be nerve wracking. 72 00:02:58,563 --> 00:03:01,483 Yeah. I'm sure I'll rise to the challenge. 73 00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:03,603 [Lorraine] Now, who else is in it? 74 00:03:03,763 --> 00:03:06,203 Oh, there's Una Length, Rob Continental. 75 00:03:06,363 --> 00:03:07,283 Ray Purchase? 76 00:03:08,883 --> 00:03:10,563 Oh, and of course Sue Pressure, 77 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:12,243 who's worked a lot with Stanley Kubrick. 78 00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:14,003 [Lorraine] Oh, are you a Kubrick fan? 79 00:03:14,163 --> 00:03:17,043 I wouldn't say I'm a fan, but I did meet him once. 80 00:03:17,203 --> 00:03:18,843 -Really? -Mm. 81 00:03:19,003 --> 00:03:20,243 What happened? 82 00:03:20,403 --> 00:03:21,483 [Toast] Well, it was a long time ago. 83 00:03:21,643 --> 00:03:22,363 Have you got time? 84 00:03:22,523 --> 00:03:23,803 -Yeah. -Okay, well, 85 00:03:23,963 --> 00:03:26,203 it would've been about 1969. 86 00:03:26,363 --> 00:03:29,243 I was doing some cheap pornographic film 87 00:03:29,403 --> 00:03:31,523 in Pinewood Studios. 88 00:03:31,683 --> 00:03:33,923 I don't know whether this is of any interest to you. 89 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,363 [Jane] I could tell they were desperate to get you. 90 00:03:36,523 --> 00:03:38,683 "Name your price," they said. 91 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:43,123 And I picked the biggest number I could think of. 92 00:03:43,283 --> 00:03:47,883 5,000 pounds for a voiceover. Isn't that terrific? 93 00:03:48,923 --> 00:03:50,963 -5,000 pounds? -Yes. 94 00:03:51,123 --> 00:03:52,723 And they said name your price. 95 00:03:52,883 --> 00:03:54,723 Anything at all. 96 00:03:54,883 --> 00:03:58,123 There were no limits on how high they were willing to go. 97 00:03:58,283 --> 00:04:00,803 Well, why didn't you say 6,000 pounds, 98 00:04:00,963 --> 00:04:02,523 or 600,000 pounds? 99 00:04:02,683 --> 00:04:06,123 Or a million pounds, or a million million pounds? 100 00:04:06,283 --> 00:04:09,283 Because at the time, 101 00:04:09,443 --> 00:04:12,003 the biggest number I could think of was 5,000 pounds. 102 00:04:13,363 --> 00:04:15,083 Anyway, we got the gig. 103 00:04:16,363 --> 00:04:17,483 You're blasted lucky to be getting 104 00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:19,443 any voiceover jobs at all. 105 00:04:19,603 --> 00:04:22,523 This tiny chap who sounds just like you 106 00:04:22,683 --> 00:04:24,403 is moving in on your patch. 107 00:04:24,563 --> 00:04:27,363 Slightly cheaper and infinitely easier to work with. 108 00:04:27,523 --> 00:04:29,283 Yeah, this can't be legal. 109 00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:30,643 Can you not sue him or something? 110 00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:32,043 -Ha. -[Toast] And talking 111 00:04:32,203 --> 00:04:34,643 of suing people, I should be suing you 112 00:04:34,803 --> 00:04:36,883 for failing to mention that this Shakespeare thing's 113 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:38,923 going out live on TV. 114 00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:41,603 Did I not tell you? Yes. 115 00:04:41,763 --> 00:04:46,123 A Night of Culture on ITV, straight after Emmerdale Farm. 116 00:04:47,123 --> 00:04:48,563 Imagine the viewers. 117 00:04:50,563 --> 00:04:54,483 Jane, I've never done any live television. 118 00:04:54,643 --> 00:04:55,843 What are you talking about? 119 00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:57,883 You did it this morning, you cretin. 120 00:04:58,043 --> 00:05:00,083 What, 10 minutes on Lorraine? 121 00:05:00,243 --> 00:05:02,283 And I was half boozed. 122 00:05:02,443 --> 00:05:03,883 Three hours of intense Shakespeare 123 00:05:04,043 --> 00:05:06,123 is a different box of cheese. 124 00:05:06,283 --> 00:05:09,403 Indeed. Who could forget when dear old Patrick Stewart? 125 00:05:12,003 --> 00:05:14,443 How was Lorraine this morning, anyway? I missed it. 126 00:05:14,603 --> 00:05:15,723 No idea. I was pissed. 127 00:05:16,803 --> 00:05:19,963 [ominous music] 128 00:05:20,123 --> 00:05:22,083 Jane, your phone's actually lit up. 129 00:05:23,563 --> 00:05:25,083 I've never seen it do that before. 130 00:05:25,243 --> 00:05:29,923 Be very quiet. 131 00:05:30,083 --> 00:05:31,803 This is Jane Plough speaking. 132 00:05:34,923 --> 00:05:36,483 Who am I talking to, please? 133 00:05:36,643 --> 00:05:37,803 What's this in reference to? 134 00:05:39,763 --> 00:05:40,723 Who is it? 135 00:05:42,283 --> 00:05:43,523 Well, I'll have to speak to him myself. 136 00:05:43,683 --> 00:05:45,723 -Who? -No comment. 137 00:05:45,883 --> 00:05:46,643 Who was that? 138 00:05:48,363 --> 00:05:49,883 Do you remember telling a story 139 00:05:50,043 --> 00:05:51,843 about Stanley Kubrick to Lorraine this morning, Toast? 140 00:05:53,563 --> 00:05:55,803 God, I couldn't have been that pissed, could I? 141 00:05:55,963 --> 00:05:57,443 Just answer the question. 142 00:05:59,843 --> 00:06:01,603 I may have told her the story. 143 00:06:01,763 --> 00:06:02,523 The story? 144 00:06:05,443 --> 00:06:06,843 [Jane sighs] 145 00:06:07,003 --> 00:06:07,763 Go on then. 146 00:06:09,363 --> 00:06:11,683 [Toast] Well, it's a few years ago now. 147 00:06:11,843 --> 00:06:14,603 1969 to be precise. 148 00:06:14,763 --> 00:06:18,403 I was at Pinewood Studios doing some low budget film. 149 00:06:18,563 --> 00:06:20,723 Some sex comedy, probably. 150 00:06:20,883 --> 00:06:24,123 Anyway, I smoked a hell of a lot of grass back then, 151 00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:27,643 and would frequently not remember what I was doing. 152 00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:30,403 I was supposed to meet someone at stage B 153 00:06:30,563 --> 00:06:33,803 but I foolishly walked into stage D 154 00:06:33,963 --> 00:06:36,963 I mean, I really was of the walk back then. 155 00:06:37,123 --> 00:06:39,843 I paid no mind to any rules or regs. 156 00:06:40,003 --> 00:06:41,683 You might call me an easy rider. 157 00:06:43,363 --> 00:06:45,123 [Jane] Get on with it Toast. 158 00:06:45,283 --> 00:06:46,483 [Toast] All right. 159 00:06:46,643 --> 00:06:49,563 Anyway, I wondered through the back door, 160 00:06:49,723 --> 00:06:51,883 but failed to notice a large keep out sign 161 00:06:52,043 --> 00:06:53,643 and red recording light, 162 00:06:53,803 --> 00:06:57,483 as I made my way into the vast film studios. 163 00:06:57,643 --> 00:06:59,163 It could have been something to do 164 00:06:59,323 --> 00:07:01,603 with the amount of Children In Need I was smoking, 165 00:07:01,763 --> 00:07:05,483 but the very next thing I knew, I was walking on the moon. 166 00:07:05,643 --> 00:07:07,523 I could even see a couple of astronauts 167 00:07:07,683 --> 00:07:10,403 waving at me and the Apollo 11 space module. 168 00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:12,563 [Kubrick] Hey, cut. Hey. 169 00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:13,643 [Toast] But out of nowhere- 170 00:07:13,803 --> 00:07:15,563 -Hey, you. -[Toast] a Parka-wearing 171 00:07:15,723 --> 00:07:18,203 hairy man, whom I recognised as Stanley Kubrick, 172 00:07:18,363 --> 00:07:20,803 slammed me hard against a wall. 173 00:07:20,963 --> 00:07:22,363 Who are you? 174 00:07:22,523 --> 00:07:24,003 [Toast] He demanded to know who I was. 175 00:07:24,163 --> 00:07:25,243 Steven Toast? 176 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:26,643 [Toast] When I informed him, 177 00:07:26,803 --> 00:07:29,163 he berated me in an angry fashion. 178 00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:32,363 If you ever breathe a word about what you've just seen, 179 00:07:32,523 --> 00:07:36,043 I guarantee you'll be tracked down and killed. 180 00:07:37,643 --> 00:07:41,883 If I ever hear of you again, you're dead. 181 00:07:42,043 --> 00:07:44,363 -[Toast] And another thing. -Get the fuck off my set. 182 00:07:44,523 --> 00:07:46,923 [Toast] After Kubrick had finished berating me, 183 00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:49,963 I noticed the stern-looking man in the doorway watching 184 00:07:50,123 --> 00:07:51,763 was none other than- 185 00:07:51,923 --> 00:07:54,243 Richard tricky Dicky Nixon? 186 00:07:54,403 --> 00:07:56,083 Well, how in hell did you know that? 187 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,683 Very lucky guess. 188 00:07:57,843 --> 00:08:02,443 How amazing. The actual president of the United States. 189 00:08:05,123 --> 00:08:06,403 Know what you've done, don't you, Toast? 190 00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:08,243 -No. -On a live television 191 00:08:08,403 --> 00:08:10,963 programme watched by possibly millions, 192 00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:13,843 you cheerfully admitted to having witnessed something 193 00:08:14,003 --> 00:08:17,203 that could not only bring down the US government, 194 00:08:17,363 --> 00:08:20,043 but could also destroy the entire world. 195 00:08:24,803 --> 00:08:27,043 Could I use your toilet facilities? 196 00:08:27,963 --> 00:08:30,443 [upbeat music] 197 00:08:37,883 --> 00:08:40,003 It's no good. These pickled onions are always tricky. 198 00:08:40,163 --> 00:08:41,763 [Mrs. Purchase] Well, maybe Ray will be able 199 00:08:41,923 --> 00:08:43,523 to get it off later. 200 00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:45,643 I very much doubt that. 201 00:08:45,803 --> 00:08:48,083 [both laugh] 202 00:08:48,243 --> 00:08:50,123 There. That looks great. 203 00:08:55,403 --> 00:08:57,043 [Toast] This whole Kubrick thing. 204 00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,523 It's a most peculiar business. 205 00:08:59,683 --> 00:09:01,163 Well, you are under enormous pressure 206 00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:02,563 at the moment, Toast. 207 00:09:02,723 --> 00:09:04,363 Maybe you've hallucinated it. 208 00:09:04,523 --> 00:09:06,763 Course I bloody didn't. You can't hallucinate the past. 209 00:09:06,923 --> 00:09:08,443 I know what I saw. 210 00:09:08,603 --> 00:09:10,403 I'm sure it's connected to you doing 211 00:09:10,563 --> 00:09:12,283 this Shakespeare in the park live on TV. 212 00:09:12,443 --> 00:09:14,003 -How? -Some kind 213 00:09:14,163 --> 00:09:16,083 of nervous reaction related to stage fright 214 00:09:16,243 --> 00:09:18,003 has induced a false memory. 215 00:09:18,163 --> 00:09:19,443 It can do odd things. 216 00:09:19,603 --> 00:09:21,723 Who can forget dear old Patrick Stewart? 217 00:09:23,843 --> 00:09:25,843 Mm. Maybe. 218 00:09:26,003 --> 00:09:28,483 Anyway. Where were we? 219 00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:31,083 You were trying to get the lid off my pickled onions. 220 00:09:31,243 --> 00:09:32,643 Maybe I've got some pickled onions of my own 221 00:09:32,803 --> 00:09:33,563 that need releasing. 222 00:09:34,683 --> 00:09:37,203 [mellow jingle] 223 00:09:39,723 --> 00:09:41,843 [Ray] Just such an arsehole. Unbelievable. 224 00:09:42,003 --> 00:09:44,163 -The moon landings. -The moon landings. 225 00:09:44,323 --> 00:09:47,523 Kubrick, a breakdown. Live on Lorraine. 226 00:09:47,683 --> 00:09:49,283 -Unbelievable. -Any sign of Peggy? 227 00:09:50,363 --> 00:09:51,203 [Ray] Peggy? 228 00:09:52,923 --> 00:09:54,563 I don't think he even legendary theatre director 229 00:09:54,723 --> 00:09:56,643 Peggy Plywood can help you out of this one, Toast. 230 00:09:56,803 --> 00:09:58,803 Ray bloody Purchase. 231 00:09:58,963 --> 00:10:01,083 Anyone got a number for the men in white coats? 232 00:10:02,963 --> 00:10:05,563 Walking on the moon. Really, Toast? 233 00:10:05,723 --> 00:10:07,443 You've trumped yourself this time. 234 00:10:07,603 --> 00:10:10,083 And you chose to have your meltdown live on Lorraine. 235 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,083 Just brilliant. 236 00:10:12,003 --> 00:10:13,803 Shut up, Ray Purchase. 237 00:10:13,963 --> 00:10:16,083 For those with your minds on other things, 238 00:10:16,243 --> 00:10:19,043 may I remind you that in 30 hours' time, 239 00:10:19,203 --> 00:10:23,563 you'll be on stage in one of Shakespeare's greatest plays, 240 00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:27,683 which is also being broadcast live to the nation on ITV. 241 00:10:28,683 --> 00:10:30,003 Oh God. 242 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,323 Of course, Peggy. I'm so sorry if I- 243 00:10:31,483 --> 00:10:32,323 Shut up, Ray Purchase. 244 00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:37,763 Now, I'd like to look at Banquo's entrance again 245 00:10:37,923 --> 00:10:39,603 before we do the last dress run. 246 00:10:40,763 --> 00:10:43,043 So, sort yourselves out. 247 00:10:44,403 --> 00:10:46,803 [mellow music] 248 00:10:50,563 --> 00:10:51,443 Oh, I like this one. 249 00:10:52,683 --> 00:10:54,843 [muffled music] 250 00:10:55,003 --> 00:10:55,923 Toast. 251 00:10:56,083 --> 00:10:58,243 [Toast hums] 252 00:11:00,323 --> 00:11:01,123 Toast. 253 00:11:04,443 --> 00:11:05,243 Oh. 254 00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:07,403 Jesus Christ, Peggy. 255 00:11:07,563 --> 00:11:10,043 I nearly shat my grey rehearsal sweat pants. 256 00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:17,323 Judging by the position of that whiskey bottle, 257 00:11:17,483 --> 00:11:19,563 I deduce that you have not yet been to bed. 258 00:11:19,723 --> 00:11:22,603 I can't sleep, Ed. My brain's doing somersaults. 259 00:11:22,763 --> 00:11:24,003 I didn't know this Shakespeare play was going out 260 00:11:24,163 --> 00:11:25,563 live on TV. 261 00:11:25,723 --> 00:11:29,563 Of course. Live TV. Always quite, "Oooh." 262 00:11:31,723 --> 00:11:33,163 All right. 263 00:11:33,323 --> 00:11:34,363 [Ed] I've known a lot of actors lose it 264 00:11:34,523 --> 00:11:36,243 when they do drama live on television. 265 00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:39,003 I remember Scott Chestnut once became very racist, 266 00:11:39,163 --> 00:11:40,723 just before he did Lear live on BBC Two. 267 00:11:40,883 --> 00:11:42,243 That's right. He did. 268 00:11:42,403 --> 00:11:43,723 Don't worry, Toast. 269 00:11:43,883 --> 00:11:45,963 Most actors would be really scared 270 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,883 about having to do Shakespeare live on television. 271 00:11:48,043 --> 00:11:49,323 Really scared. 272 00:11:49,483 --> 00:11:50,603 I'm not really scared. 273 00:11:50,763 --> 00:11:51,603 Are you sure? 274 00:11:51,763 --> 00:11:52,963 -Yes. -Really? 275 00:11:53,123 --> 00:11:54,083 -Yes. -[Ed] Really? 276 00:11:55,963 --> 00:11:57,563 Yes. 277 00:11:57,723 --> 00:12:00,083 [Ed] And who could forget when dear old Paddy Stewart... 278 00:12:02,123 --> 00:12:02,923 Paddy. 279 00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:06,683 Toast. 280 00:12:06,843 --> 00:12:08,283 Any sign of them yet? 281 00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:09,803 -Who? -The CIA. 282 00:12:11,243 --> 00:12:12,923 That's presumably who Kubrick meant 283 00:12:13,083 --> 00:12:14,963 when he said they were going to get us. 284 00:12:15,123 --> 00:12:16,443 [Toast] Us? 285 00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:19,043 I'm your agent, Toast. I know too much. 286 00:12:19,203 --> 00:12:21,003 They'll take me out as well. 287 00:12:21,163 --> 00:12:22,803 No, I probably imagined it, Jane. I mean, I- 288 00:12:22,963 --> 00:12:25,883 [Jane] We need to be very careful. Very careful. 289 00:12:26,043 --> 00:12:27,323 I'm going to hang up now. 290 00:12:27,483 --> 00:12:29,563 Phone is probably bugged. 291 00:12:29,723 --> 00:12:30,603 Jane? 292 00:12:30,763 --> 00:12:33,963 [dramatic ominous music] 293 00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:37,403 [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen of the cast, 294 00:12:37,563 --> 00:12:38,883 this is your one hour call. 295 00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:40,003 One hour, please. 296 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:42,603 Biscuit? 297 00:12:44,083 --> 00:12:46,803 [twinkling music] 298 00:12:52,243 --> 00:12:53,043 No, thanks. 299 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:57,283 Patrick Stewart. 300 00:12:58,723 --> 00:13:00,523 Steven Toast. 301 00:13:00,683 --> 00:13:02,763 [Peggy] Doing drama on live TV. Patrick hated it. 302 00:13:02,923 --> 00:13:03,963 I'll never forget. 303 00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:06,723 What the hell does that mean? 304 00:13:06,883 --> 00:13:07,683 You don't know? 305 00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:11,723 When Patrick did Hamlet live on BBC Two. 306 00:13:11,883 --> 00:13:14,683 Back in those days, Patrick had a lovely head of hair, 307 00:13:14,843 --> 00:13:18,243 a bit like yours, Toast, but less weird. 308 00:13:18,403 --> 00:13:21,163 So, it's all going very well until about the fourth act, 309 00:13:21,323 --> 00:13:23,203 when his hair starts falling out. 310 00:13:23,363 --> 00:13:27,523 First in single hairs, then strands, then whole clumps. 311 00:13:27,683 --> 00:13:29,763 By the time he gets to the castle in the final act, 312 00:13:29,923 --> 00:13:31,883 he's as bald as a coot. 313 00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:33,003 -You're kidding. -Nope. 314 00:13:33,163 --> 00:13:35,563 There's hair all over the floor, 315 00:13:35,723 --> 00:13:38,643 and all because he was doing Shakespeare live on TV. 316 00:13:38,803 --> 00:13:40,403 God help me. 317 00:13:40,563 --> 00:13:43,523 Yeah, it can affect actors in all kinds of strange ways. 318 00:13:43,683 --> 00:13:45,643 I've seen one chap start talking backwards 319 00:13:45,803 --> 00:13:47,603 during a live Corrie. 320 00:13:47,763 --> 00:13:50,603 And Scott Chestnut. He suddenly became very fascist. 321 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,043 No, racist. 322 00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:55,683 [Peggy] Why are you cling onto this pillar? 323 00:13:56,963 --> 00:13:57,723 I'm not. 324 00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:04,403 And if you don't mind, Peggy, I'd like to prepare. 325 00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:07,083 [twinkling music] 326 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,763 [Toast grunts] 327 00:14:13,723 --> 00:14:16,123 [phone rings] 328 00:14:17,603 --> 00:14:19,363 -Toast. -Oh glad I caught you, Toast. 329 00:14:19,523 --> 00:14:21,483 I think you may have taken my mobile by mistake. 330 00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:22,803 Oh yeah. That's all right, Ed. It's right here. 331 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,563 I'll just get it. 332 00:14:24,723 --> 00:14:27,283 [twinkling music] 333 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:34,483 Ed, your mobile is in fact right in front of me, 334 00:14:34,643 --> 00:14:37,283 but I can't reach it because I can't let go of the pillar. 335 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,283 Can you get here ASAP? 336 00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:42,043 I think I might have stage fright. 337 00:14:45,003 --> 00:14:47,603 [upbeat twinkling music] 338 00:14:47,763 --> 00:14:52,083 ♪ I've never been so frightened in my life ♪ 339 00:14:52,243 --> 00:14:56,483 ♪ Never dreamed I'd suffer from stage fright ♪ 340 00:14:56,643 --> 00:15:01,043 ♪ Suspected something bad when my face turned white ♪ 341 00:15:01,203 --> 00:15:05,363 ♪ Was really in the shit when I couldn't move my feet ♪ 342 00:15:05,523 --> 00:15:10,163 ♪ And I wouldn't recommend being paralysed ♪ 343 00:15:10,323 --> 00:15:14,963 ♪ But the atmosphere up here is very nice ♪ 344 00:15:15,763 --> 00:15:17,523 ♪ Ooh ♪ 345 00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:42,563 Come on, Toast. You know you want to. 346 00:15:42,723 --> 00:15:46,563 Look. I've got the jar of pickled onions. 347 00:15:46,723 --> 00:15:47,443 Ooh. 348 00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:51,843 Why don't you come over here and unscrew my lid? 349 00:15:53,043 --> 00:15:53,803 Ooh. 350 00:15:55,363 --> 00:15:56,603 Ooh. 351 00:15:56,763 --> 00:15:58,803 [Toast brays] 352 00:15:58,963 --> 00:16:00,843 [both grunting] 353 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,483 [upbeat music] 354 00:16:07,123 --> 00:16:08,323 [Ed] Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Purchase. 355 00:16:08,483 --> 00:16:10,363 It doesn't seem to be working. 356 00:16:10,523 --> 00:16:12,403 I mean, this is serious, Ed. 357 00:16:12,563 --> 00:16:14,043 You know what kind of sex appetite I have. 358 00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:15,803 [Ed] I know you do, 359 00:16:15,963 --> 00:16:16,763 but for whatever reason you don't seem to be able 360 00:16:16,923 --> 00:16:18,843 to break free from that pillar. 361 00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:20,443 Okay, you can go now, Mrs. P. 362 00:16:20,603 --> 00:16:22,923 [Mrs. Purchase] Okay, Ed. Sorry I couldn't do more. 363 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,283 Come on, Toast. Get into costume. 364 00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:25,283 I wanna rehearse the sword fight. 365 00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:26,723 We've not cracked it yet, 366 00:16:26,883 --> 00:16:28,043 and I refuse to look a tomfool on stage. 367 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,323 What are you doing here, darling? 368 00:16:32,483 --> 00:16:33,323 Oh, grow up, Ray. 369 00:16:35,163 --> 00:16:35,963 Are those my pickled onions? 370 00:16:36,123 --> 00:16:37,283 Will you both please leave now? 371 00:16:37,443 --> 00:16:38,723 Are those my pickled onions? 372 00:16:38,883 --> 00:16:41,403 Stop being so childish. God. 373 00:16:41,563 --> 00:16:43,003 [Ray] What are you doing in there with Toast? 374 00:16:43,163 --> 00:16:44,043 Honestly, Ray. Why are you so paranoid all the time? 375 00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:45,323 [Ray] I'm not paranoid. 376 00:16:45,483 --> 00:16:47,523 This is absolutely fascinating. 377 00:16:47,683 --> 00:16:49,123 A very similar thing happened to Roy Castle 378 00:16:49,283 --> 00:16:50,523 on Record Breakers. 379 00:16:50,683 --> 00:16:51,883 He couldn't let go of a fire extinguisher, 380 00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:52,883 and we were told not to touch him 381 00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:53,963 in case he had a heart attack. 382 00:16:54,123 --> 00:16:55,403 Oh God. 383 00:16:55,563 --> 00:16:57,483 Who else knows about this? Peggy? The cast? 384 00:16:57,643 --> 00:16:58,963 Yeah, I mean pretty much. 385 00:17:02,963 --> 00:17:04,123 You couldn't scratch my back for me could you, Ed? 386 00:17:04,283 --> 00:17:04,963 I can't reach. 387 00:17:05,123 --> 00:17:06,083 Of course, old chap. 388 00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:09,203 Slightly lower. 389 00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:10,563 There we ooh yeah. 390 00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:12,683 Ooh. 391 00:17:12,843 --> 00:17:15,243 [phone rings] 392 00:17:16,563 --> 00:17:18,123 Toast. 393 00:17:18,283 --> 00:17:20,843 Toast. Have they tried to kill you yet? 394 00:17:21,003 --> 00:17:22,523 Who? 395 00:17:22,683 --> 00:17:24,963 The American CIA. Have they tried to kill you? 396 00:17:25,123 --> 00:17:26,883 -No. -That's good. 397 00:17:27,043 --> 00:17:29,243 We need to be extremely careful. 398 00:17:29,403 --> 00:17:30,843 I can't let go. 399 00:17:31,003 --> 00:17:33,563 -You can't what? -Can't let go of the pillar. 400 00:17:33,723 --> 00:17:35,403 My God. 401 00:17:35,563 --> 00:17:37,363 They must have drugged you or something. 402 00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:39,403 No, Jane. I'm pretty sure I've got stage fright. 403 00:17:39,563 --> 00:17:41,203 Nonsense. 404 00:17:41,363 --> 00:17:43,083 The Americans have done this to you because you blabbed 405 00:17:43,243 --> 00:17:44,883 about the moon landings. 406 00:17:45,043 --> 00:17:47,603 [glass smashes] 407 00:17:47,763 --> 00:17:50,163 [dramatic music] 408 00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:54,123 It's hard for a chap to swallow his pride, Ed, 409 00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:55,603 but I'm in the shit. 410 00:17:55,763 --> 00:17:56,843 And you mentioned you knew someone 411 00:17:57,003 --> 00:17:58,283 that could possibly help me. 412 00:17:58,443 --> 00:18:00,363 [Ed] Right. Well, I hope he's available. 413 00:18:00,523 --> 00:18:01,643 He's the best in the biz. 414 00:18:01,803 --> 00:18:02,683 Well, that's who I need. 415 00:18:02,843 --> 00:18:05,763 [Ed] Hi. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah. 416 00:18:05,923 --> 00:18:08,403 You're just back from Hollywood? Fantastic. 417 00:18:08,563 --> 00:18:10,083 Listen, I'm gonna need your skills. 418 00:18:11,243 --> 00:18:12,683 You could say it's an emergency. 419 00:18:16,603 --> 00:18:18,363 [Colin] Because the world's not black and white. 420 00:18:18,523 --> 00:18:19,603 The world's in colour. 421 00:18:21,283 --> 00:18:22,603 That's great, Colin. 422 00:18:22,763 --> 00:18:24,323 No problem, fellas. 423 00:18:24,483 --> 00:18:25,883 [Clem] Stunning work, Colin, mate. You got it in one. 424 00:18:26,043 --> 00:18:27,323 [Danny] I don't see a reason why we should get Toast in 425 00:18:27,483 --> 00:18:29,643 for another voiceover, like ever, ever again. 426 00:18:29,803 --> 00:18:30,963 Exactamundo, why bother? 427 00:18:31,123 --> 00:18:33,363 I mean Colin's just so much cooler. 428 00:18:33,523 --> 00:18:34,723 [Danny] You bet he is. 429 00:18:34,883 --> 00:18:38,123 I mean, Steven Toast is just a wanker. 430 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,283 Right, we're gonna take a break, yeah? 431 00:18:39,443 --> 00:18:41,283 We are like way ahead of schedule. 432 00:18:41,443 --> 00:18:42,123 [Clem whistles] 433 00:18:42,283 --> 00:18:43,683 -Yeah. -Get in. 434 00:18:43,843 --> 00:18:44,563 Doing. 435 00:18:47,163 --> 00:18:49,483 [Ed] Don't be nervous. Alan is the best. 436 00:18:49,643 --> 00:18:51,003 He has a terrific bedside manner, 437 00:18:51,163 --> 00:18:52,843 and is very experienced in these situations. 438 00:18:53,003 --> 00:18:54,563 Did you just say Alan? 439 00:18:54,723 --> 00:18:55,763 [knocking] 440 00:18:55,923 --> 00:18:56,883 [Alan] Where the fuck is he? 441 00:18:57,043 --> 00:18:58,123 You gotta be kidding. 442 00:18:59,043 --> 00:19:01,683 [eerie music] 443 00:19:01,843 --> 00:19:03,483 How you doing, boys? 444 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:04,243 Hi, Alan. 445 00:19:04,403 --> 00:19:05,123 Hi Alan. 446 00:19:05,283 --> 00:19:06,003 Now, then. 447 00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:09,363 Ed tells me that you've lost your bottle. 448 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,323 Thanks, Ed. 449 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,723 [Alan] Don't you worry, son. 450 00:19:11,883 --> 00:19:14,283 I've cured many actors whose arse has caved in 451 00:19:14,443 --> 00:19:15,723 at the last minute. 452 00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:17,443 -Roy Castle. -Hmm. 453 00:19:17,603 --> 00:19:20,003 Mark Rylance. And I'm just back from Hollywood. 454 00:19:20,163 --> 00:19:22,003 Been doing a lot of work with Meryl Streep 455 00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:24,043 and her fear of bells. 456 00:19:24,203 --> 00:19:25,043 It's a bit desperate, Alan. 457 00:19:25,203 --> 00:19:26,243 The curtain goes up and- 458 00:19:26,403 --> 00:19:28,083 [Alan] Ssh, ssh, ssh. 459 00:19:28,243 --> 00:19:31,803 All I need you to do is listen to my voice, 460 00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,763 and my voice alone. 461 00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:36,083 And I guarantee we'll have you back 462 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:39,403 on that greengage in no fucking time at all. 463 00:19:39,563 --> 00:19:40,723 -Now then- -[Ray] Bah, spare me 464 00:19:40,883 --> 00:19:43,523 this new age shoe shine. 465 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,763 Look, Toast. You better get your act together. 466 00:19:46,923 --> 00:19:48,123 We're on in less than one hour. 467 00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:50,403 I have waited 20 years to play MacDuff, 468 00:19:50,563 --> 00:19:52,443 and I won't let you screw it up for me. 469 00:19:52,603 --> 00:19:54,123 The word is already out about this Kubrick thing. 470 00:19:54,283 --> 00:19:55,083 Everyone thinks you've lost your marbles. 471 00:19:55,243 --> 00:19:56,803 You're a joke. 472 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,483 If you fuck this up tonight, every actor in London 473 00:19:58,643 --> 00:19:59,843 is gonna hunt you down and cut you 474 00:20:00,003 --> 00:20:02,003 from arsehole to breakfast time. 475 00:20:02,163 --> 00:20:03,843 Who the fuck is this? 476 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:05,603 [Toast] His name's Ray Purchase. 477 00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:08,283 He lives near the Warrington pub, Alan, in Maida Vale. 478 00:20:08,443 --> 00:20:10,123 Nice boozer. 479 00:20:10,283 --> 00:20:14,323 Now, you listen to me, Ray Purchase, from Maida Vale. 480 00:20:14,483 --> 00:20:16,083 Youse have got two options here, I reckon. 481 00:20:16,243 --> 00:20:19,083 One, you carry on like you was 482 00:20:19,243 --> 00:20:20,563 and take a chance that I don't hunt you down 483 00:20:20,723 --> 00:20:23,483 and cut you from arsehole to breakfast time. 484 00:20:25,363 --> 00:20:28,923 Or you can fuck off after a apologising to me 485 00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:31,283 for putting me off my stroke. 486 00:20:31,443 --> 00:20:33,643 I'm sorry, Alan. I was just trying to help. 487 00:20:33,803 --> 00:20:35,403 -And to Toast. -Really? 488 00:20:35,563 --> 00:20:36,083 Yes. 489 00:20:38,723 --> 00:20:40,523 Sorry, Toast. 490 00:20:40,683 --> 00:20:43,843 [Alan] Now, at this point I need to be alone 491 00:20:44,003 --> 00:20:45,483 -with my client. -Of course. 492 00:20:45,643 --> 00:20:49,283 So, please, Ed, could you take silly bollocks outside? 493 00:20:49,443 --> 00:20:50,683 -Ray. -Yeah. 494 00:20:53,203 --> 00:20:56,123 [Alan] Now, then. Time to get my tools out. 495 00:20:58,003 --> 00:20:59,723 [sawing] 496 00:20:59,883 --> 00:21:01,403 How's it going, Alan? 497 00:21:01,563 --> 00:21:03,723 [Alan] Nearly there, son. Timber. 498 00:21:07,723 --> 00:21:10,763 My voice is in my sword. 499 00:21:12,683 --> 00:21:14,563 Thou bloodier villain than terms can give me out. 500 00:21:16,523 --> 00:21:18,683 [Ray shouts] 501 00:21:18,843 --> 00:21:21,523 [swords clatter] 502 00:21:21,683 --> 00:21:24,203 [chamber music] 503 00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:29,123 Do the bloody thing. 504 00:21:30,443 --> 00:21:31,763 -I can't get off. -Come on, man. 505 00:21:31,923 --> 00:21:33,163 [Toast] I'm stuck to the pole. 506 00:21:35,403 --> 00:21:38,163 [mellow jingle] 507 00:21:38,323 --> 00:21:41,043 [audience applauds] 508 00:21:49,763 --> 00:21:52,483 [audience cheers] 509 00:22:05,483 --> 00:22:07,203 Good reviews for the play, Toast. 510 00:22:07,363 --> 00:22:09,443 Lots of praise for your pillar work. 511 00:22:09,603 --> 00:22:12,043 "Stephen Toast's brilliantly inventive Macbeth, 512 00:22:12,203 --> 00:22:14,243 clutching a pillar throughout, 513 00:22:14,403 --> 00:22:16,563 a clever metaphor for the burden of guilt and paranoia 514 00:22:16,723 --> 00:22:17,763 carried by the character." 515 00:22:19,043 --> 00:22:22,323 If only they knew. 516 00:22:22,483 --> 00:22:23,323 [Toast] Toast. 517 00:22:23,483 --> 00:22:25,683 [Jane] Well done again, Toast. 518 00:22:25,843 --> 00:22:28,283 Sorry about all that CIA nonsense. 519 00:22:28,443 --> 00:22:31,883 I must have got caught up in all your paranoia. 520 00:22:32,043 --> 00:22:33,563 Very unlike me. Ciao. 521 00:22:35,003 --> 00:22:37,523 [ominous music] 522 00:22:44,923 --> 00:22:46,523 [Agent] You must be Jane. 523 00:22:47,883 --> 00:22:48,803 Where's Toast? 524 00:22:53,603 --> 00:22:54,963 [Danny] Great stuff. Thank you, man. 525 00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:56,563 -My pleasure. -Do it again. One more. 526 00:22:56,723 --> 00:22:57,283 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. One more for the road. 527 00:22:57,443 --> 00:22:58,363 Go on, then. 528 00:22:59,483 --> 00:23:01,323 My name is Steven Toast, 529 00:23:01,483 --> 00:23:04,763 and I saw Stanley Kubrick direct the moon landings. 530 00:23:04,923 --> 00:23:06,203 It's too good. 531 00:23:06,363 --> 00:23:07,163 Ciao. 532 00:23:11,203 --> 00:23:13,283 [gunshot] 533 00:23:13,443 --> 00:23:16,323 [upbeat piano music] 534 00:23:20,283 --> 00:23:22,923 ♪ So take my hand ♪ 535 00:23:23,083 --> 00:23:27,603 ♪ We'll disappear to a pub that's not too far from here ♪ 536 00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:32,283 ♪ No, I don't know you and you don't know me ♪ 537 00:23:32,443 --> 00:23:36,123 ♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪ 538 00:23:36,283 --> 00:23:39,083 ♪ So, take my hand ♪