[whimsical jingle]
[Toast] Remember, check out giveusajob.biz,
and find a new career today.
Phone us on-
[Danny] That's great, Steven. That's literally it.
What? You don't want me to finish it?
There's no phone number. It just stops.
All good, buddy.
It's half an advert. It's a bit bloody peculiar, isn't it?
Steven, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me-
Shut up. I'm talking to the grown up.
Who the hell wants half an advert?
Honestly, Steven, don't worry, all right?
It's just a demo for some new client.
I mean, it probably won't go anywhere anyway.
What the hell are you talking about?
Steven? Look, we've really gotta wrap this up,
and crack on with another session.
Is that Colin?
Yeah, yeah, he's waiting outside.
All right, all right.
I suppose I'll see you two next Thursday.
-Mm -Mm.
Hmm. Actually, Steven.
What?
Would you mind showing Colin in on your way out?
Only, I don't think he's been here before.
[Steven sighs]
It's just through there. I think they're expecting you.
I know what it is, thank you, big boy.
[muffled laughter]
[Danny] God, I would never have known he's such a dick.
What?
Are you sure he's gone?
Oh yeah.
Just gonna play some of the guide through your headphones.
Okay.
Got it.
We're rolling?
Remember, click on giveusajob.biz today
and find a better job.
There's a great new career out there waiting for you.
Phone us on 08081 570 000.
What the f...
[upbeat piano music]
I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Steven.
Well, it's a bit early for me,
but your chef was very insistent.
I know. He's a wee devil, isn't he?
[Toast] He is. Anyway, bottoms up.
So, I understand you are returning
to the theatre in the Scottish play.
Yes. And I notice you didn't say it.
I know.
Is it still a big no-no in theatrical circles
to actually say Macbeth?
Yeah.
Anyway, it's a great part.
And it's in Regents Park. It's in the open air.
Yeah. I mean, it's always a pleasure to do Shakespeare,
and it's a nice bonus that you get some fresh air
at the same time.
Well, it's being simultaneously broadcast, of course,
live on ITV's Night of Culture.
Is it?
-Yes. -Right.
Well, I wasn't aware of that.
[Lorraine] Yeah, it is because you know,
doing a whole Shakespeare play live on TV.
I mean that's, you know, it's brave.
It must be nerve wracking.
Yeah. I'm sure I'll rise to the challenge.
[Lorraine] Now, who else is in it?
Oh, there's Una Length, Rob Continental.
Ray Purchase?
Oh, and of course Sue Pressure,
who's worked a lot with Stanley Kubrick.
[Lorraine] Oh, are you a Kubrick fan?
I wouldn't say I'm a fan, but I did meet him once.
-Really? -Mm.
What happened?
[Toast] Well, it was a long time ago.
Have you got time?
-Yeah. -Okay, well,
it would've been about 1969.
I was doing some cheap pornographic film
in Pinewood Studios.
I don't know whether this is of any interest to you.
[Jane] I could tell they were desperate to get you.
"Name your price," they said.
And I picked the biggest number I could think of.
5,000 pounds for a voiceover. Isn't that terrific?
-5,000 pounds? -Yes.
And they said name your price.
Anything at all.
There were no limits on how high they were willing to go.
Well, why didn't you say 6,000 pounds,
or 600,000 pounds?
Or a million pounds, or a million million pounds?
Because at the time,
the biggest number I could think of was 5,000 pounds.
Anyway, we got the gig.
You're blasted lucky to be getting
any voiceover jobs at all.
This tiny chap who sounds just like you
is moving in on your patch.
Slightly cheaper and infinitely easier to work with.
Yeah, this can't be legal.
Can you not sue him or something?
-Ha. -[Toast] And talking
of suing people, I should be suing you
for failing to mention that this Shakespeare thing's
going out live on TV.
Did I not tell you? Yes.
A Night of Culture on ITV, straight after Emmerdale Farm.
Imagine the viewers.
Jane, I've never done any live television.
What are you talking about?
You did it this morning, you cretin.
What, 10 minutes on Lorraine?
And I was half boozed.
Three hours of intense Shakespeare
is a different box of cheese.
Indeed. Who could forget when dear old Patrick Stewart?
How was Lorraine this morning, anyway? I missed it.
No idea. I was pissed.
[ominous music]
Jane, your phone's actually lit up.
I've never seen it do that before.
Be very quiet.
This is Jane Plough speaking.
Who am I talking to, please?
What's this in reference to?
Who is it?
Well, I'll have to speak to him myself.
-Who? -No comment.
Who was that?
Do you remember telling a story
about Stanley Kubrick to Lorraine this morning, Toast?
God, I couldn't have been that pissed, could I?
Just answer the question.
I may have told her the story.
The story?
[Jane sighs]
Go on then.
[Toast] Well, it's a few years ago now.
1969 to be precise.
I was at Pinewood Studios doing some low budget film.
Some sex comedy, probably.
Anyway, I smoked a hell of a lot of grass back then,
and would frequently not remember what I was doing.
I was supposed to meet someone at stage B
but I foolishly walked into stage D
I mean, I really was of the walk back then.
I paid no mind to any rules or regs.
You might call me an easy rider.
[Jane] Get on with it Toast.
[Toast] All right.
Anyway, I wondered through the back door,
but failed to notice a large keep out sign
and red recording light,
as I made my way into the vast film studios.
It could have been something to do
with the amount of Children In Need I was smoking,
but the very next thing I knew, I was walking on the moon.
I could even see a couple of astronauts
waving at me and the Apollo 11 space module.
[Kubrick] Hey, cut. Hey.
[Toast] But out of nowhere-
-Hey, you. -[Toast] a Parka-wearing
hairy man, whom I recognised as Stanley Kubrick,
slammed me hard against a wall.
Who are you?
[Toast] He demanded to know who I was.
Steven Toast?
[Toast] When I informed him,
he berated me in an angry fashion.
If you ever breathe a word about what you've just seen,
I guarantee you'll be tracked down and killed.
If I ever hear of you again, you're dead.
-[Toast] And another thing. -Get the fuck off my set.
[Toast] After Kubrick had finished berating me,
I noticed the stern-looking man in the doorway watching
was none other than-
Richard tricky Dicky Nixon?
Well, how in hell did you know that?
Very lucky guess.
How amazing. The actual president of the United States.
Know what you've done, don't you, Toast?
-No. -On a live television
programme watched by possibly millions,
you cheerfully admitted to having witnessed something
that could not only bring down the US government,
but could also destroy the entire world.
Could I use your toilet facilities?
[upbeat music]
It's no good. These pickled onions are always tricky.
[Mrs. Purchase] Well, maybe Ray will be able
to get it off later.
I very much doubt that.
[both laugh]
There. That looks great.
[Toast] This whole Kubrick thing.
It's a most peculiar business.
Well, you are under enormous pressure
at the moment, Toast.
Maybe you've hallucinated it.
Course I bloody didn't. You can't hallucinate the past.
I know what I saw.
I'm sure it's connected to you doing
this Shakespeare in the park live on TV.
-How? -Some kind
of nervous reaction related to stage fright
has induced a false memory.
It can do odd things.
Who can forget dear old Patrick Stewart?
Mm. Maybe.
Anyway. Where were we?
You were trying to get the lid off my pickled onions.
Maybe I've got some pickled onions of my own
that need releasing.
[mellow jingle]
[Ray] Just such an arsehole. Unbelievable.
-The moon landings. -The moon landings.
Kubrick, a breakdown. Live on Lorraine.
-Unbelievable. -Any sign of Peggy?
[Ray] Peggy?
I don't think he even legendary theatre director
Peggy Plywood can help you out of this one, Toast.
Ray bloody Purchase.
Anyone got a number for the men in white coats?
Walking on the moon. Really, Toast?
You've trumped yourself this time.
And you chose to have your meltdown live on Lorraine.
Just brilliant.
Shut up, Ray Purchase.
For those with your minds on other things,
may I remind you that in 30 hours' time,
you'll be on stage in one of Shakespeare's greatest plays,
which is also being broadcast live to the nation on ITV.
Oh God.
Of course, Peggy. I'm so sorry if I-
Shut up, Ray Purchase.
Now, I'd like to look at Banquo's entrance again
before we do the last dress run.
So, sort yourselves out.
[mellow music]
Oh, I like this one.
[muffled music]
Toast.
[Toast hums]
Toast.
Oh.
Jesus Christ, Peggy.
I nearly shat my grey rehearsal sweat pants.
Judging by the position of that whiskey bottle,
I deduce that you have not yet been to bed.
I can't sleep, Ed. My brain's doing somersaults.
I didn't know this Shakespeare play was going out
live on TV.
Of course. Live TV. Always quite, "Oooh."
All right.
[Ed] I've known a lot of actors lose it
when they do drama live on television.
I remember Scott Chestnut once became very racist,
just before he did Lear live on BBC Two.
That's right. He did.
Don't worry, Toast.
Most actors would be really scared
about having to do Shakespeare live on television.
Really scared.
I'm not really scared.
Are you sure?
-Yes. -Really?
-Yes. -[Ed] Really?
Yes.
[Ed] And who could forget when dear old Paddy Stewart...
Paddy.
Toast.
Any sign of them yet?
-Who? -The CIA.
That's presumably who Kubrick meant
when he said they were going to get us.
[Toast] Us?
I'm your agent, Toast. I know too much.
They'll take me out as well.
No, I probably imagined it, Jane. I mean, I-
[Jane] We need to be very careful. Very careful.
I'm going to hang up now.
Phone is probably bugged.
Jane?
[dramatic ominous music]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen of the cast,
this is your one hour call.
One hour, please.
Biscuit?
[twinkling music]
No, thanks.
Patrick Stewart.
Steven Toast.
[Peggy] Doing drama on live TV. Patrick hated it.
I'll never forget.
What the hell does that mean?
You don't know?
When Patrick did Hamlet live on BBC Two.
Back in those days, Patrick had a lovely head of hair,
a bit like yours, Toast, but less weird.
So, it's all going very well until about the fourth act,
when his hair starts falling out.
First in single hairs, then strands, then whole clumps.
By the time he gets to the castle in the final act,
he's as bald as a coot.
-You're kidding. -Nope.
There's hair all over the floor,
and all because he was doing Shakespeare live on TV.
God help me.
Yeah, it can affect actors in all kinds of strange ways.
I've seen one chap start talking backwards
during a live Corrie.
And Scott Chestnut. He suddenly became very fascist.
No, racist.
[Peggy] Why are you cling onto this pillar?
I'm not.
And if you don't mind, Peggy, I'd like to prepare.
[twinkling music]
[Toast grunts]
[phone rings]
-Toast. -Oh glad I caught you, Toast.
I think you may have taken my mobile by mistake.
Oh yeah. That's all right, Ed. It's right here.
I'll just get it.
[twinkling music]
Ed, your mobile is in fact right in front of me,
but I can't reach it because I can't let go of the pillar.
Can you get here ASAP?
I think I might have stage fright.
[upbeat twinkling music]
♪ I've never been so frightened in my life ♪
♪ Never dreamed I'd suffer from stage fright ♪
♪ Suspected something bad when my face turned white ♪
♪ Was really in the shit when I couldn't move my feet ♪
♪ And I wouldn't recommend being paralysed ♪
♪ But the atmosphere up here is very nice ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
Come on, Toast. You know you want to.
Look. I've got the jar of pickled onions.
Ooh.
Why don't you come over here and unscrew my lid?
Ooh.
[Toast brays]
[both grunting]
[upbeat music]
[Ed] Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Purchase.
It doesn't seem to be working.
I mean, this is serious, Ed.
You know what kind of sex appetite I have.
[Ed] I know you do,
but for whatever reason you don't seem to be able
to break free from that pillar.
Okay, you can go now, Mrs. P.
[Mrs. Purchase] Okay, Ed. Sorry I couldn't do more.
Come on, Toast. Get into costume.
I wanna rehearse the sword fight.
We've not cracked it yet,
and I refuse to look a tomfool on stage.
What are you doing here, darling?
Oh, grow up, Ray.
Are those my pickled onions?
Will you both please leave now?
Are those my pickled onions?
Stop being so childish. God.
[Ray] What are you doing in there with Toast?
Honestly, Ray. Why are you so paranoid all the time?
[Ray] I'm not paranoid.
This is absolutely fascinating.
A very similar thing happened to Roy Castle
on Record Breakers.
He couldn't let go of a fire extinguisher,
and we were told not to touch him
in case he had a heart attack.
Oh God.
Who else knows about this? Peggy? The cast?
Yeah, I mean pretty much.
You couldn't scratch my back for me could you, Ed?
I can't reach.
Of course, old chap.
Slightly lower.
There we ooh yeah.
Ooh.
[phone rings]
Toast.
Toast. Have they tried to kill you yet?
Who?
The American CIA. Have they tried to kill you?
-No. -That's good.
We need to be extremely careful.
I can't let go.
-You can't what? -Can't let go of the pillar.
My God.
They must have drugged you or something.
No, Jane. I'm pretty sure I've got stage fright.
Nonsense.
The Americans have done this to you because you blabbed
about the moon landings.
[glass smashes]
[dramatic music]
It's hard for a chap to swallow his pride, Ed,
but I'm in the shit.
And you mentioned you knew someone
that could possibly help me.
[Ed] Right. Well, I hope he's available.
He's the best in the biz.
Well, that's who I need.
[Ed] Hi. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah.
You're just back from Hollywood? Fantastic.
Listen, I'm gonna need your skills.
You could say it's an emergency.
[Colin] Because the world's not black and white.
The world's in colour.
That's great, Colin.
No problem, fellas.
[Clem] Stunning work, Colin, mate. You got it in one.
[Danny] I don't see a reason why we should get Toast in
for another voiceover, like ever, ever again.
Exactamundo, why bother?
I mean Colin's just so much cooler.
[Danny] You bet he is.
I mean, Steven Toast is just a wanker.
Right, we're gonna take a break, yeah?
We are like way ahead of schedule.
[Clem whistles]
-Yeah. -Get in.
Doing.
[Ed] Don't be nervous. Alan is the best.
He has a terrific bedside manner,
and is very experienced in these situations.
Did you just say Alan?
[knocking]
[Alan] Where the fuck is he?
You gotta be kidding.
[eerie music]
How you doing, boys?
Hi, Alan.
Hi Alan.
Now, then.
Ed tells me that you've lost your bottle.
Thanks, Ed.
[Alan] Don't you worry, son.
I've cured many actors whose arse has caved in
at the last minute.
-Roy Castle. -Hmm.
Mark Rylance. And I'm just back from Hollywood.
Been doing a lot of work with Meryl Streep
and her fear of bells.
It's a bit desperate, Alan.
The curtain goes up and-
[Alan] Ssh, ssh, ssh.
All I need you to do is listen to my voice,
and my voice alone.
And I guarantee we'll have you back
on that greengage in no fucking time at all.
-Now then- -[Ray] Bah, spare me
this new age shoe shine.
Look, Toast. You better get your act together.
We're on in less than one hour.
I have waited 20 years to play MacDuff,
and I won't let you screw it up for me.
The word is already out about this Kubrick thing.
Everyone thinks you've lost your marbles.
You're a joke.
If you fuck this up tonight, every actor in London
is gonna hunt you down and cut you
from arsehole to breakfast time.
Who the fuck is this?
[Toast] His name's Ray Purchase.
He lives near the Warrington pub, Alan, in Maida Vale.
Nice boozer.
Now, you listen to me, Ray Purchase, from Maida Vale.
Youse have got two options here, I reckon.
One, you carry on like you was
and take a chance that I don't hunt you down
and cut you from arsehole to breakfast time.
Or you can fuck off after a apologising to me
for putting me off my stroke.
I'm sorry, Alan. I was just trying to help.
-And to Toast. -Really?
Yes.
Sorry, Toast.
[Alan] Now, at this point I need to be alone
-with my client. -Of course.
So, please, Ed, could you take silly bollocks outside?
-Ray. -Yeah.
[Alan] Now, then. Time to get my tools out.
[sawing]
How's it going, Alan?
[Alan] Nearly there, son. Timber.
My voice is in my sword.
Thou bloodier villain than terms can give me out.
[Ray shouts]
[swords clatter]
[chamber music]
Do the bloody thing.
-I can't get off. -Come on, man.
[Toast] I'm stuck to the pole.
[mellow jingle]
[audience applauds]
[audience cheers]
Good reviews for the play, Toast.
Lots of praise for your pillar work.
"Stephen Toast's brilliantly inventive Macbeth,
clutching a pillar throughout,
a clever metaphor for the burden of guilt and paranoia
carried by the character."
If only they knew.
[Toast] Toast.
[Jane] Well done again, Toast.
Sorry about all that CIA nonsense.
I must have got caught up in all your paranoia.
Very unlike me. Ciao.
[ominous music]
[Agent] You must be Jane.
Where's Toast?
[Danny] Great stuff. Thank you, man.
-My pleasure. -Do it again. One more.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. One more for the road.
Go on, then.
My name is Steven Toast,
and I saw Stanley Kubrick direct the moon landings.
It's too good.
Ciao.
[gunshot]
[upbeat piano music]
♪ So take my hand ♪
♪ We'll disappear to a pub that's not too far from here ♪
♪ No, I don't know you and you don't know me ♪
♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪
♪ So, take my hand ♪