[cheerful chiming]
I can't...
I can't hear you.
Press the button.
I can't hear you.
Press the button, you doughnut!
I can't hear you!
It's Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
Yeah, obviously, if you press the button.
What's your problem?
You've only worked here for three years!
Temper, temper, Steven.
Don't you "temper, temper," me, boy.
Just do your job!
OK, Steven.
Now, the client was very, very specific
about the style of the read
and the pronunciation of some of the words.
Clem's got it all in front of him.
We'll take it from here.
[Toast] All right.
Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
You are a fucking star, aren't you?
Yes!
Okay, so this is important.
The client has expressed
that he'd really like you to...
Oh, fucking hell.
You've done it again, you cunt. Press the button!
I can't hear you unless you push the button!
Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
I dare you to say that one more time.
Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?
Yeah, well, then keep your finger
on the fucking button.
I didn't catch a word of that, all right?
And I need to hear again exactly how
that client wants me to say this script.
Okay, Steven, so this is important.
The client has expressed that he'd really like you to stress
certain words within the script.
Okay.
And the words he'd like you to stress are la...
Fuck!
[dramatic piano music]
It's a little inappropriate
at the breakfast table, Davison.
Maybe you could do it in your room.
All right, all right.
Also, this wine-making equipment,
there's rather a lot of it.
[liquid bubbling]
Yeah, what the hell is it?
Try this, Toast. It's splendid.
Bloody hell, Davison, it's not even eight o'clock yet.
Well, all right.
[toast gagging and choking]
Oh! [coughs]
You're meant to sip it.
What the hell is that?
I call it The Black Death.
It's just got that extra edge. 25% proof.
You could clean a car with that, Davison.
You can't give this to anyone, you'll kill them!
And could you do the washing-up, Davison, old chap?
It's your turn.
Good God, Ed, all right!
Do you mind if I have a Jimmy Riddle first?
Is that Okay?
I'm sorry, Ed,
but Davison's really starting to get on my pip!
Mine too.
He's constantly complaining.
Said earlier that the towels weren't soft enough.
That's nonsense.
That new fabric conditioner we've been using,
has left the towels delightfully soft and fluffy.
I know. But they're not good enough for Davison.
Why's he even here?
Well, his wife kicked him out
after she caught him on the job.
Ha! Who with?
Shh!
Young dancer, northerner, rough, visceral type.
Not someone you'd expect at all.
But, you know, love is strange.
Yeah.
Talking of which, how's it going with,
what's her name? Penelope?
No, Penvelope.
Penvelope?
Yes, unusual name.
Looks like Penelope when it's written down,
but there's a V stuck in there.
Anyway, I just call her Pen.
[Toast sobbing]
What's up, Toast?
It's nothing.
I just haven't had any action for a while.
Not like you, Toast.
I know!
You know, it doesn't do a chap good to be out of practise.
I'm glad it's going well with you and...
What's her name?
-Penvelope. -Yeah.
You know, she was a finalist
in that really famous international beauty contest
for women they had in the '70s.
Really? Is that contest still going?
I believe so.
But sadly, due to the rise of feminism,
many of these contests have been driven underground.
Terrible shame.
My father actually, was on the judging panel in 1972.
Well, now, that is a coincidence.
My father was on the judging panel that year too.
-[glamorous music] -[audience applauding]
Well, we've seen all the girls,
let's go straight away now over to our judges.
And first we've got the entrepreneur
Rupert Howzer-Black,
who made his fortune from the Whiskas cat food.
So, Rupert, which one of our gorgeous, beautiful ladies
could lick your saucer clean?
[audience laughing]
Well, it's very hard to choose, Dennis,
but I'd have to say that Miss Fiji
performed extremely strongly in the swimwear section.
Which as you know,
is a highly competitive part of the contest.
And I thought she did very, very well.
Thank you, Rupert.
Moving on now to Colonel Gonville Toast.
Good evening to you, Colonel.
What do you fancy?
Well, I think, uh, Miss Portugal
might just shade it for me,
due to the amount of time
that she donates to charity.
And I'll make sure I give her a handsome donation of my own
after the show.
[audience laughing]
I'm sure you will.
[Toast groaning]
How's your donation going, Toast?
Oh, yes! [groans]
[camera clicking]
[phone ringing]
Oh, what's that, Toast?
It's a text from Jane.
[calm piano music]
What's it about?
Well, Jane's had a text from the organisers
of the International Beauty Contest For Women,
asking if I'd like to judge at this year's event!
[phone beeping]
Oh, I've also had a text from the organisers
of the International Beauty Contest For Women.
They want me to be a judge at this year's event, too.
Oh, we can go together.
[Toast scoffing]
I don't know, Ed. Beauty contests?
They're a bit passe.
They're a bit yesterday's bread.
They're a bit eggnog.
Could be fun, though.
Tell you what, Toast,
I'm seeing Penvelope tonight
and she's bringing a friend along.
Would you like to come?
Pen says that you might fancy her
because she's a weather girl off the television.
A weather girl? I love weather girls!
I know you do.
Which one is she? Sky News? ITV?
Al Jazeera?
She's called Clancy Moped.
I think she works on a specialist weather channel.
Then count me i.
Even if I don't get to have sex with her,
at least I'll know what next week's
weather's going to be like. [laughs]
Toast, this is Penvelope.
She prefers to be called Pen for short.
Hello.
And this is Clancy Moped.
Hello, I'm Steven Toast.
Hello.
Well, this is a nice restaurant, isn't it?
Lebanese, I believe.
Lebonese.
Oh, not Lebanese?
No, Lebonese.
Remember, Toast,
you once went to a Lebanese restaurant
because you thought it had something to do with lesbians?
Lebon is a small country in the Middle East.
The weather there is actually quite mild.
Ed tells me you're a weather girl.
[Penvelope giggling]
Is it that obvious?
I love the weather.
Ah. Well, you must know a lot about it.
So what's the weather like in South Africa
this time of year, par examplaire?
Temperatures in South Africa tend to be a lot lower
than other countries of a similar latitude,
such as Australia, due mainly to the greater elevation
above sea level.
On the interior plateau, the altitude keeps the...
[sombre music]
..there is, however, a striking contrast
between temperatures on the country's east and west coasts,
due respectively to the warm Agulhas
and cold Benguela currents that sweep the coastlines.
Fascinating.
I hope I'm not boring you.
Not at all, not at all.
I do tend to go on about the weather a lot.
That and feminism.
[Ed grunting]
Are you an active feminist?
Oh, very much so, yes.
Mm, I love feminism. And I love women.
They're an inspiration to us all.
I mean, you never see a sculpture
of a dog or a monkey in an art gallery.
Always the bust of a beautiful woman.
Ha-ha!
I just need to...
Course you do.
[??] Pen?
I think she probably needs to go too.
[??] Do you want to come with me?
What do you think of Penvelope, eh, Toast?
Former finalist of the world's most prestigious
beauty contest.
But from what year?
1956, I think.
Can't believe my luck.
She looks like she's had a massive stroke.
Massive stroke of good luck for me, I'd say.
Well, that Clancy's just my type.
She may bang on about the weather a bit,
but she's a cracker and no mistacker.
I'm going to get the bill
and try and wangle my way back to her place.
Toast, what the hell do you think you're doing?
-Stop it! -What?
That gesture you just made to the waiter.
What, this? Indicating I want the bill?
Everyone knows what that means.
No, no, no, no.
In their country that gesture means,
"I want to, you know, your mother."
What?
What is your problem, man?
What?
Why you make the "I want to fuck your mother" gesture?
I didn't, it was a...
Getting the bill. I...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out.
What?
Get out!
And you can forget the bill.
I don't want your fucking money!
Best leave now, Toast.
What about the ladies?
Just, just leave, now.
Masood, show them the fucking door.
What the fuck are we watching?
It's the state funeral of Winston Churchill,
and happens to be a favourite piece of archive footage
of mine and Ed's.
Oh, splendid, have I missed much?
Where have they got to?
No, you're all right, Ed.
We're still at Whitehall.
Just coming up to the Strand.
Are you two for fucking real?
You fucking prick dickheads.
Wanking, fucking boring, arsehole, shit houses!
Turn it off, man!
Fuck's sake!
There's got to be something better on.
She's got a point, Ed.
You're not going to watch the whole thing, are you?
I'm sorry, but Toast and I always watch this footage
on the great man's birthday.
And you, Davison,
and your lady friend are ruining it for us.
Thought you old actors
were meant to be fucking hell raisers!
It's like being round at my nan and fucking grandpa's!
Right, I'm off.
[upbeat music]
Apparently, in their country,
this means something quite rude,
so we had to get out of the restaurant pretty sharpish.
Anyway, I was wondering
if you would like to go for a drink with me.
[Clancy] Yes, please.
Well, that would be delightful.
Okay, all the best, and I'll see you then.
Yes!
[upbeat music]
I have to say, I have no interest in pop music whatsoever.
Me neither.
Although I do like some groups.
Who?
Weather Report, um, Snow Patrol,
Earth, Wind & Fire, especially the Wind bit.
-Ooh. -Oh, and my favourite song
is Singing In The Rain.
Is it?
I don't know that one, but it sounds delightful.
These Pussy Riot fellas,
are they a group?
I'm wearing the T-shirt
because I think what Pussy Riot are doing,
is really important.
I'm fully behind their radical feminist agenda,
and I'll always turn out to support them if I can.
Me too.
Do you know what a feminist looks like?
What?
This.
[both laughing]
Okay, this date,
would you say things are blowing hot or cold?
What would your forecast be?
I would say hot.
Ha-ha-ha! So would I.
What say we finish these drinks and go back to your place?
-Ooh. -Yes.
Very nice.
Care for a drink?
Uh, a glass of red wine, please.
Large or small?
Large, I think.
Ooh.
Yep...
This is a very weather-themed room.
I was just admiring your charming selection of snow globes.
Oh, Toast.
You must have this one as a gift.
That's very kind.
It may be cold outside, but I am very hot.
Oh, you're a smooth-talker, Toast,
but I have something to tell you.
I've never been much good at romance.
I think that's why I try to stick to the weather.
It's a very British thing.
We can't talk about our emotions,
so we talk about the weather.
When I'm in love, I just fall apart.
I don't know what to do.
I lose focus.
Even my hearing goes a bit off.
Well, don't worry about that shit.
Why would I worry about bat shit?
No, not bat shit, that shit.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm completely losing it now.
It's all because...
I love...
Oh, I can't.
You're the only man I've ever met...
I can't be the only man you've ever met.
Who doesn't mind me blathering on about feminism topics
or the weather.
I don't mind at all.
As the warmth of the day
makes way for the cool embrace of the night,
let us throw caution to the wind.
Oh, that's lovely.
[cheerful twinkly music]
Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that.
Are you free tomorrow?
[upbeat music]
She is lovely and the sex is superb.
Straight down to it, over in seconds.
A quick park?
A quick park.
No foreplay, just the way the ladies like it.
Anyway, I've got to split.
Got a bloody voice-over.
Shouldn't take too long,
then I'm seeing the lovely Clancy,
where the outlook looks very promising indeed.
You think so?
Yes.
[upbeat music]
So if your broadband connection is slowing you down,
try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband.
Okay, Steven?
Toast!
I couldn't wait until tonight to see you.
I think you're top-class!
Clancy!
[upbeat music]
Damn this glass for getting in the way of our love!
Sorry, Steven, really do need to crack on
with this broadband voice-over.
Won't be long.
Go back to your flat, Clancy,
and break open the champagne.
I'll be right with you
after I've dealt with these two arse holes.
Are we rolling?
So if your broadband connection is slowing you down,
try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband.
Just one more.
[Toast sighing]
So, if your broadband connection is slowing you down...
[solemn music]
[owl hooting]
So if your broadband connection is slowing you down,
try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband.
One more?
[Toast sighing]
[sombre music]
Good morning, Emma.
"Good morning, Emma."
Fucking tool.
[bottles crashing]
Davison, the washing-up really needs to be done.
Yes, I'll do it!
We just need to make another batch of wine first.
It's fucking top shit.
Right, we're off to Boots,
get some more bottles and gear.
And don't forget-
The washing-up! Yes!
Thank goodness we're getting out of here
for the beauty contest today.
Some relief from those two.
Yeah.
Shit, the weather's on.
I need to see Clancy.
I missed her last night.
Those idiots at Scramble Studios made me work late.
There'll be a cold front coming in from...
somewhere.
It'll be freezing.
I don't know what I'm doing today.
Mm?
See,
my Toasty said that he would call round last night,
and then didn't turn up.
Ooh.
The weather is so unimportant.
No, no, no, Clancy. Don't do that.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, dear.
The poor girl seems to be somewhat distressed.
It's because she's in love with me.
I mean, who could blame her?
[cheerful twinkling music]
♪ Feeling hot, but it's cold outside ♪
♪ The weather's changeable, but I don't mind ♪
♪ A gift from God, sent from heaven above ♪
♪ You could be right, when you say I'm in love ♪
♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love ♪
♪ He's in love, he's in love, he's in love ♪
♪ I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love ♪
♪ He's in love, he's in love, he's in love ♪
[car horn beeping]
Ah, that'll be the car for the beauty contest.
Why are we going so early?
Oh, I imagine there'll be a luncheon
or some lavish reception beforehand.
[Toast sighing]
All right.
International Beauty Contest?
Yes.
Yeah, jump in then.
One of you'll have to get in the back though.
No, you've got to be kidding.
[door creaking]
[upbeat music]
[phone ringing]
Where the hell are we going?
We've been travelling for six hours. I'm freezing.
Yes, driver, where exactly are we going?
I can't tell you that, mate, the feminists might find out,
then we'll have a shit-storm, won't we?
Actually, we are a bit early.
I might pull the lamp out, is that okay?
Lamp? What lamp?
Lamping for rabbits in that field over there.
Look. Here you are.
Go on. You shoot, right?
I'll lamp and pick up. Nice.
[upbeat music]
[gun firing]
What?!
[gun firing]
What the hell?
Ah! Jesus!
Ugh!
[gun firing]
Answer your phone, Ed!
What the hell is going on?
[gun firing]
-[rooster crowing] -[dogs barking]
Sorry, Toast.
They used to hold these things in the Dorchester.
Right, gentlemen, I think we should get started
as soon as possible, don't you?
Now, wait a minute, where's the organiser?
We should talk to him.
I'm the organiser, mate. Vic Titball.
Thanks for agreeing to judge this year's contest.
I know you said these beauty contests
have been driven underground, but this is ridiculous.
Looks more like a dogfight.
Right, let's get the girls in.
Ah, the girls. Where are they?
They're outside in a van,
'cause it's a bit cramped in here,
we're going to do 'em in batches of three.
[audience cheering]
Yes, beautiful ladies.
Miss Bulgaria, Miss Romania, and Miss...
Where you from again, darling?
Albania.
Albania, of course.
Ah, the swimwear round.
[cow mooing]
[dog barking]
[chicken clucking]
Look, I'm getting out of here, Ed, this is bullshit.
Are you coming?
[farm animals squawking]
[angry rock music]
-[women chanting] -[audience booing]
Who are they?
Pussy Riot.
Pen?
Clancy!
Toast!
No!
It's not what it seems!
[camera clicking]
History repeating itself, it would appear, Toast.
Clancy was furious.
I'm truly heartbroken, Ed.
It's all over now.
Such a shame.
Have you seen Davison and Emma?
Are they back yet?
Davison still hasn't done the washing-up!
I haven't seen them, Ed.
Maybe they're in their room.
[horrifying music]
I don't think Davison's in a fit state
to do the washing-up, Ed.
All right, it's just you and me, then.
[solemn music]
Huh, unbelievable!
[both laughing]
♪ So take my hand, we'll disappear to above the sun ♪
♪ Too far from here ♪
♪ No, I don't know you and you don't know me ♪
♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪
♪ So take my hand ♪