1
00:00:01,003 --> 00:00:03,203
[cheerful chiming]

2
00:00:09,763 --> 00:00:10,403
I can't...

3
00:00:10,563 --> 00:00:11,203
I can't hear you.

4
00:00:11,363 --> 00:00:12,123
Press the button.

5
00:00:13,683 --> 00:00:14,443
I can't hear you.

6
00:00:14,603 --> 00:00:15,843
Press the button, you doughnut!

7
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:18,123
I can't hear you!

8
00:00:18,283 --> 00:00:19,483
It's Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?

9
00:00:19,643 --> 00:00:21,003
Yeah, obviously, if
you press the button.

10
00:00:21,163 --> 00:00:22,363
What's your problem?

11
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,923
You've only worked
here for three years!

12
00:00:24,083 --> 00:00:25,163
Temper, temper, Steven.

13
00:00:25,323 --> 00:00:26,603
Don't you "temper,
temper," me, boy.

14
00:00:26,763 --> 00:00:27,483
Just do your job!

15
00:00:27,643 --> 00:00:28,963
OK, Steven.

16
00:00:29,123 --> 00:00:30,643
Now, the client was
very, very specific

17
00:00:30,803 --> 00:00:32,043
about the style of the read

18
00:00:32,203 --> 00:00:33,443
and the pronunciation
of some of the words.

19
00:00:33,603 --> 00:00:34,403
Clem's got it all
in front of him.

20
00:00:34,563 --> 00:00:35,323
We'll take it from here.

21
00:00:35,483 --> 00:00:36,763
[Toast] All right.

22
00:00:36,923 --> 00:00:37,523
Hello, Steven, this
is Clem Fandango.

23
00:00:37,683 --> 00:00:39,003
Can you hear me?

24
00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:40,123
You are a fucking
star, aren't you?

25
00:00:41,403 --> 00:00:42,283
Yes!

26
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:43,083
Okay, so this is important.

27
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:44,083
The client has expressed

28
00:00:44,243 --> 00:00:45,643
that he'd really like you to...

29
00:00:45,803 --> 00:00:47,483
Oh, fucking hell.

30
00:00:47,643 --> 00:00:49,763
You've done it again, you
cunt. Press the button!

31
00:00:49,923 --> 00:00:51,803
I can't hear you unless
you push the button!

32
00:00:54,283 --> 00:00:55,283
Steven, this is Clem Fandango.

33
00:00:55,443 --> 00:00:56,683
Can you hear me?

34
00:00:56,843 --> 00:00:57,883
I dare you to say
that one more time.

35
00:00:59,243 --> 00:01:01,563
Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?

36
00:01:01,723 --> 00:01:02,443
Yeah, well, then
keep your finger

37
00:01:02,603 --> 00:01:03,963
on the fucking button.

38
00:01:04,123 --> 00:01:06,003
I didn't catch a word
of that, all right?

39
00:01:06,163 --> 00:01:07,723
And I need to hear
again exactly how

40
00:01:07,883 --> 00:01:10,043
that client wants me
to say this script.

41
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:11,843
Okay, Steven, so
this is important.

42
00:01:12,003 --> 00:01:13,003
The client has expressed that
he'd really like you to stress

43
00:01:13,163 --> 00:01:14,403
certain words within the script.

44
00:01:14,563 --> 00:01:16,083
Okay.

45
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,083
And the words he'd like
you to stress are la...

46
00:01:18,243 --> 00:01:19,043
Fuck!

47
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:29,203
[dramatic piano music]

48
00:02:06,683 --> 00:02:07,923
It's a little inappropriate

49
00:02:08,083 --> 00:02:09,963
at the breakfast table, Davison.

50
00:02:10,123 --> 00:02:10,843
Maybe you could do
it in your room.

51
00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:12,763
All right, all right.

52
00:02:12,923 --> 00:02:14,603
Also, this
wine-making equipment,

53
00:02:14,763 --> 00:02:15,523
there's rather a lot of it.

54
00:02:15,683 --> 00:02:16,483
[liquid bubbling]

55
00:02:16,643 --> 00:02:18,043
Yeah, what the hell is it?

56
00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:31,843
Try this, Toast. It's splendid.

57
00:02:32,003 --> 00:02:34,403
Bloody hell, Davison, it's
not even eight o'clock yet.

58
00:02:36,483 --> 00:02:37,763
Well, all right.

59
00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:43,163
[toast gagging and choking]

60
00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:47,243
Oh! [coughs]

61
00:02:47,403 --> 00:02:48,443
You're meant to sip it.

62
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:49,923
What the hell is that?

63
00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:52,163
I call it The Black Death.

64
00:02:52,323 --> 00:02:54,843
It's just got that
extra edge. 25% proof.

65
00:02:55,003 --> 00:02:56,723
You could clean a car
with that, Davison.

66
00:02:56,883 --> 00:02:59,203
You can't give this to
anyone, you'll kill them!

67
00:02:59,363 --> 00:03:00,963
And could you do the
washing-up, Davison, old chap?

68
00:03:01,123 --> 00:03:01,763
It's your turn.

69
00:03:01,923 --> 00:03:04,483
Good God, Ed, all right!

70
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,603
Do you mind if I have
a Jimmy Riddle first?

71
00:03:06,763 --> 00:03:07,683
Is that Okay?

72
00:03:12,843 --> 00:03:14,403
I'm sorry, Ed,

73
00:03:14,563 --> 00:03:15,603
but Davison's really
starting to get on my pip!

74
00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:16,803
Mine too.

75
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:18,483
He's constantly complaining.

76
00:03:18,643 --> 00:03:20,603
Said earlier that the
towels weren't soft enough.

77
00:03:20,763 --> 00:03:22,443
That's nonsense.

78
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,243
That new fabric conditioner
we've been using,

79
00:03:24,403 --> 00:03:26,483
has left the towels
delightfully soft and fluffy.

80
00:03:26,643 --> 00:03:28,683
I know. But they're not
good enough for Davison.

81
00:03:28,843 --> 00:03:30,283
Why's he even here?

82
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:31,363
Well, his wife kicked him out

83
00:03:31,523 --> 00:03:32,643
after she caught him on the job.

84
00:03:32,803 --> 00:03:33,683
Ha! Who with?

85
00:03:33,843 --> 00:03:35,443
Shh!

86
00:03:35,603 --> 00:03:37,603
Young dancer, northerner,
rough, visceral type.

87
00:03:37,763 --> 00:03:39,083
Not someone you'd expect at all.

88
00:03:39,243 --> 00:03:40,923
But, you know, love is strange.

89
00:03:41,083 --> 00:03:42,363
Yeah.

90
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,723
Talking of which,
how's it going with,

91
00:03:44,883 --> 00:03:46,283
what's her name? Penelope?

92
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:47,883
No, Penvelope.

93
00:03:48,043 --> 00:03:48,923
Penvelope?

94
00:03:49,083 --> 00:03:50,683
Yes, unusual name.

95
00:03:50,843 --> 00:03:52,083
Looks like Penelope
when it's written down,

96
00:03:52,243 --> 00:03:53,923
but there's a V stuck in there.

97
00:03:54,083 --> 00:03:55,683
Anyway, I just call her Pen.

98
00:03:55,843 --> 00:03:58,363
[Toast sobbing]

99
00:03:59,923 --> 00:04:00,963
What's up, Toast?

100
00:04:01,123 --> 00:04:02,403
It's nothing.

101
00:04:02,563 --> 00:04:04,683
I just haven't had any
action for a while.

102
00:04:04,843 --> 00:04:05,563
Not like you, Toast.

103
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:07,363
I know!

104
00:04:07,523 --> 00:04:10,203
You know, it doesn't do a chap
good to be out of practise.

105
00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:11,163
I'm glad it's going
well with you and...

106
00:04:11,323 --> 00:04:12,123
What's her name?

107
00:04:12,283 --> 00:04:13,683
-Penvelope.
-Yeah.

108
00:04:13,843 --> 00:04:15,363
You know, she was a finalist

109
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:16,923
in that really famous
international beauty contest

110
00:04:17,083 --> 00:04:18,523
for women they had in the '70s.

111
00:04:18,683 --> 00:04:20,003
Really? Is that
contest still going?

112
00:04:20,163 --> 00:04:21,443
I believe so.

113
00:04:21,603 --> 00:04:23,403
But sadly, due to
the rise of feminism,

114
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,683
many of these contests have
been driven underground.

115
00:04:25,843 --> 00:04:27,643
Terrible shame.

116
00:04:27,803 --> 00:04:30,563
My father actually, was on
the judging panel in 1972.

117
00:04:30,723 --> 00:04:32,483
Well, now, that
is a coincidence.

118
00:04:32,643 --> 00:04:35,043
My father was on the
judging panel that year too.

119
00:04:35,203 --> 00:04:39,843
-[glamorous music]
-[audience applauding]

120
00:04:42,003 --> 00:04:43,243
Well, we've seen all the girls,

121
00:04:43,403 --> 00:04:45,243
let's go straight away
now over to our judges.

122
00:04:45,403 --> 00:04:46,763
And first we've got
the entrepreneur

123
00:04:46,923 --> 00:04:49,123
Rupert Howzer-Black,

124
00:04:49,283 --> 00:04:51,923
who made his fortune from
the Whiskas cat food.

125
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:56,043
So, Rupert, which one of our
gorgeous, beautiful ladies

126
00:04:56,203 --> 00:04:58,243
could lick your saucer clean?

127
00:04:58,403 --> 00:04:59,643
[audience laughing]

128
00:04:59,803 --> 00:05:01,003
Well, it's very hard
to choose, Dennis,

129
00:05:01,163 --> 00:05:02,643
but I'd have to
say that Miss Fiji

130
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,643
performed extremely strongly
in the swimwear section.

131
00:05:05,803 --> 00:05:07,043
Which as you know,

132
00:05:07,203 --> 00:05:08,683
is a highly competitive
part of the contest.

133
00:05:08,843 --> 00:05:10,763
And I thought she
did very, very well.

134
00:05:10,923 --> 00:05:12,323
Thank you, Rupert.

135
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:14,563
Moving on now to
Colonel Gonville Toast.

136
00:05:14,723 --> 00:05:16,323
Good evening to you, Colonel.

137
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,243
What do you fancy?

138
00:05:17,403 --> 00:05:18,843
Well, I think, uh, Miss Portugal

139
00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:20,363
might just shade it for me,

140
00:05:20,523 --> 00:05:21,403
due to the amount of time

141
00:05:21,563 --> 00:05:23,763
that she donates to charity.

142
00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:26,763
And I'll make sure I give her
a handsome donation of my own

143
00:05:26,923 --> 00:05:27,723
after the show.

144
00:05:27,883 --> 00:05:29,643
[audience laughing]

145
00:05:29,803 --> 00:05:31,643
I'm sure you will.

146
00:05:31,803 --> 00:05:33,123
[Toast groaning]

147
00:05:33,283 --> 00:05:35,043
How's your donation
going, Toast?

148
00:05:35,203 --> 00:05:39,083
Oh, yes! [groans]

149
00:05:39,243 --> 00:05:41,963
[camera clicking]

150
00:05:47,763 --> 00:05:48,643
[phone ringing]

151
00:05:48,803 --> 00:05:49,443
Oh, what's that, Toast?

152
00:05:49,603 --> 00:05:51,443
It's a text from Jane.

153
00:05:51,603 --> 00:05:54,323
[calm piano music]

154
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,723
What's it about?

155
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,403
Well, Jane's had a text
from the organisers

156
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:05,883
of the International
Beauty Contest For Women,

157
00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:08,403
asking if I'd like to
judge at this year's event!

158
00:06:08,563 --> 00:06:10,203
[phone beeping]

159
00:06:10,363 --> 00:06:12,003
Oh, I've also had a
text from the organisers

160
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:14,403
of the International
Beauty Contest For Women.

161
00:06:14,563 --> 00:06:16,403
They want me to be a judge
at this year's event, too.

162
00:06:16,563 --> 00:06:17,883
Oh, we can go together.

163
00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:19,323
[Toast scoffing]

164
00:06:19,483 --> 00:06:21,403
I don't know, Ed.
Beauty contests?

165
00:06:21,563 --> 00:06:22,963
They're a bit passe.

166
00:06:23,123 --> 00:06:24,923
They're a bit yesterday's bread.

167
00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:26,603
They're a bit eggnog.

168
00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:27,683
Could be fun, though.

169
00:06:27,843 --> 00:06:28,643
Tell you what, Toast,

170
00:06:28,803 --> 00:06:30,003
I'm seeing Penvelope tonight

171
00:06:30,163 --> 00:06:30,763
and she's bringing
a friend along.

172
00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:32,163
Would you like to come?

173
00:06:32,323 --> 00:06:33,403
Pen says that you
might fancy her

174
00:06:33,563 --> 00:06:35,203
because she's a weather
girl off the television.

175
00:06:35,363 --> 00:06:37,683
A weather girl? I
love weather girls!

176
00:06:37,843 --> 00:06:38,683
I know you do.

177
00:06:38,843 --> 00:06:41,043
Which one is she? Sky News? ITV?

178
00:06:41,203 --> 00:06:42,083
Al Jazeera?

179
00:06:45,803 --> 00:06:47,843
She's called Clancy Moped.

180
00:06:48,003 --> 00:06:49,763
I think she works on a
specialist weather channel.

181
00:06:49,923 --> 00:06:51,283
Then count me i.

182
00:06:51,443 --> 00:06:53,323
Even if I don't get
to have sex with her,

183
00:06:53,483 --> 00:06:54,763
at least I'll know
what next week's

184
00:06:54,923 --> 00:06:57,123
weather's going to
be like. [laughs]

185
00:07:00,563 --> 00:07:02,203
Toast, this is Penvelope.

186
00:07:02,363 --> 00:07:03,963
She prefers to be
called Pen for short.

187
00:07:04,123 --> 00:07:04,843
Hello.

188
00:07:08,043 --> 00:07:09,523
And this is Clancy Moped.

189
00:07:09,683 --> 00:07:12,043
Hello, I'm Steven Toast.

190
00:07:12,203 --> 00:07:13,483
Hello.

191
00:07:13,643 --> 00:07:15,763
Well, this is a nice
restaurant, isn't it?

192
00:07:15,923 --> 00:07:16,683
Lebanese, I believe.

193
00:07:16,843 --> 00:07:17,683
Lebonese.

194
00:07:17,843 --> 00:07:18,963
Oh, not Lebanese?

195
00:07:19,123 --> 00:07:20,803
No, Lebonese.

196
00:07:20,963 --> 00:07:22,363
Remember, Toast,

197
00:07:22,523 --> 00:07:23,883
you once went to a
Lebanese restaurant

198
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,203
because you thought it had
something to do with lesbians?

199
00:07:27,723 --> 00:07:30,523
Lebon is a small country
in the Middle East.

200
00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:33,443
The weather there is
actually quite mild.

201
00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:35,163
Ed tells me you're
a weather girl.

202
00:07:35,323 --> 00:07:36,123
[Penvelope giggling]

203
00:07:36,283 --> 00:07:37,243
Is it that obvious?

204
00:07:39,443 --> 00:07:40,723
I love the weather.

205
00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:43,603
Ah. Well, you must
know a lot about it.

206
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,203
So what's the weather
like in South Africa

207
00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:46,723
this time of year,
par examplaire?

208
00:07:48,683 --> 00:07:51,043
Temperatures in South Africa
tend to be a lot lower

209
00:07:51,203 --> 00:07:53,563
than other countries
of a similar latitude,

210
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,563
such as Australia, due mainly
to the greater elevation

211
00:07:56,723 --> 00:07:58,523
above sea level.

212
00:07:58,683 --> 00:08:00,443
On the interior plateau,
the altitude keeps the...

213
00:08:00,603 --> 00:08:03,483
[sombre music]

214
00:08:03,643 --> 00:08:05,443
..there is, however,
a striking contrast

215
00:08:05,603 --> 00:08:08,283
between temperatures on the
country's east and west coasts,

216
00:08:08,443 --> 00:08:10,563
due respectively
to the warm Agulhas

217
00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:14,483
and cold Benguela currents
that sweep the coastlines.

218
00:08:14,643 --> 00:08:16,003
Fascinating.

219
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,803
I hope I'm not boring you.

220
00:08:17,963 --> 00:08:21,283
Not at all, not at all.

221
00:08:21,443 --> 00:08:23,523
I do tend to go on
about the weather a lot.

222
00:08:23,683 --> 00:08:24,723
That and feminism.

223
00:08:24,883 --> 00:08:25,883
[Ed grunting]

224
00:08:26,043 --> 00:08:26,883
Are you an active feminist?

225
00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:29,043
Oh, very much so, yes.

226
00:08:29,203 --> 00:08:32,243
Mm, I love feminism.
And I love women.

227
00:08:32,403 --> 00:08:34,643
They're an
inspiration to us all.

228
00:08:34,803 --> 00:08:36,043
I mean, you never
see a sculpture

229
00:08:36,203 --> 00:08:38,163
of a dog or a monkey
in an art gallery.

230
00:08:38,323 --> 00:08:39,683
Always the bust of
a beautiful woman.

231
00:08:39,843 --> 00:08:40,923
Ha-ha!

232
00:08:41,963 --> 00:08:43,563
I just need to...

233
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,243
Course you do.

234
00:08:45,403 --> 00:08:46,643
[??] Pen?

235
00:08:46,803 --> 00:08:48,683
I think she probably
needs to go too.

236
00:08:48,843 --> 00:08:50,043
[??] Do you want
to come with me?

237
00:08:54,643 --> 00:08:56,483
What do you think of
Penvelope, eh, Toast?

238
00:08:56,643 --> 00:08:58,323
Former finalist of the
world's most prestigious

239
00:08:58,483 --> 00:08:59,683
beauty contest.

240
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,483
But from what year?

241
00:09:01,643 --> 00:09:02,763
1956, I think.

242
00:09:02,923 --> 00:09:03,963
Can't believe my luck.

243
00:09:05,643 --> 00:09:07,923
She looks like she's
had a massive stroke.

244
00:09:08,083 --> 00:09:09,923
Massive stroke of good
luck for me, I'd say.

245
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,883
Well, that Clancy's
just my type.

246
00:09:12,043 --> 00:09:13,963
She may bang on about
the weather a bit,

247
00:09:14,123 --> 00:09:16,043
but she's a cracker
and no mistacker.

248
00:09:16,203 --> 00:09:17,483
I'm going to get the bill

249
00:09:17,643 --> 00:09:19,443
and try and wangle my
way back to her place.

250
00:09:19,603 --> 00:09:21,123
Toast, what the hell do
you think you're doing?

251
00:09:21,283 --> 00:09:22,523
-Stop it!
-What?

252
00:09:22,683 --> 00:09:24,163
That gesture you just
made to the waiter.

253
00:09:24,323 --> 00:09:26,003
What, this? Indicating
I want the bill?

254
00:09:26,163 --> 00:09:26,923
Everyone knows what that means.

255
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,323
No, no, no, no.

256
00:09:28,483 --> 00:09:29,643
In their country
that gesture means,

257
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,323
"I want to, you
know, your mother."

258
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:32,043
What?

259
00:09:34,363 --> 00:09:35,603
What is your problem, man?

260
00:09:35,763 --> 00:09:37,603
What?

261
00:09:37,763 --> 00:09:39,323
Why you make the "I want to
fuck your mother" gesture?

262
00:09:39,483 --> 00:09:40,123
I didn't, it was a...

263
00:09:40,283 --> 00:09:41,443
Getting the bill. I...

264
00:09:41,603 --> 00:09:42,603
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out.

265
00:09:42,763 --> 00:09:43,443
What?

266
00:09:43,603 --> 00:09:44,363
Get out!

267
00:09:45,563 --> 00:09:47,163
And you can forget the bill.

268
00:09:47,323 --> 00:09:49,203
I don't want your fucking money!

269
00:09:50,363 --> 00:09:51,163
Best leave now, Toast.

270
00:09:51,323 --> 00:09:51,963
What about the ladies?

271
00:09:52,123 --> 00:09:52,923
Just, just leave, now.

272
00:09:57,203 --> 00:09:59,923
Masood, show them
the fucking door.

273
00:10:15,443 --> 00:10:17,923
What the fuck are we watching?

274
00:10:19,563 --> 00:10:21,883
It's the state funeral
of Winston Churchill,

275
00:10:22,043 --> 00:10:24,363
and happens to be a favourite
piece of archive footage

276
00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:25,923
of mine and Ed's.

277
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:27,443
Oh, splendid, have
I missed much?

278
00:10:28,923 --> 00:10:29,763
Where have they got to?

279
00:10:29,923 --> 00:10:30,803
No, you're all right, Ed.

280
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:31,963
We're still at Whitehall.

281
00:10:32,123 --> 00:10:33,003
Just coming up to the Strand.

282
00:10:33,163 --> 00:10:35,923
Are you two for fucking real?

283
00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:38,323
You fucking prick dickheads.

284
00:10:38,483 --> 00:10:41,763
Wanking, fucking boring,
arsehole, shit houses!

285
00:10:41,923 --> 00:10:43,243
Turn it off, man!

286
00:10:43,403 --> 00:10:44,763
Fuck's sake!

287
00:10:44,923 --> 00:10:45,923
There's got to be
something better on.

288
00:10:46,083 --> 00:10:47,803
She's got a point, Ed.

289
00:10:47,963 --> 00:10:49,403
You're not going to watch
the whole thing, are you?

290
00:10:49,563 --> 00:10:51,163
I'm sorry, but Toast and I
always watch this footage

291
00:10:51,323 --> 00:10:52,803
on the great man's birthday.

292
00:10:52,963 --> 00:10:54,403
And you, Davison,

293
00:10:54,563 --> 00:10:55,883
and your lady friend
are ruining it for us.

294
00:10:56,043 --> 00:10:57,203
Thought you old actors

295
00:10:57,363 --> 00:10:59,163
were meant to be
fucking hell raisers!

296
00:11:01,123 --> 00:11:03,403
It's like being round at my
nan and fucking grandpa's!

297
00:11:04,523 --> 00:11:05,603
Right, I'm off.

298
00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:07,003
[upbeat music]

299
00:11:07,163 --> 00:11:09,003
Apparently, in their country,

300
00:11:09,163 --> 00:11:12,723
this means something quite rude,

301
00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:15,243
so we had to get out of the
restaurant pretty sharpish.

302
00:11:15,403 --> 00:11:17,123
Anyway, I was wondering

303
00:11:17,283 --> 00:11:19,043
if you would like to
go for a drink with me.

304
00:11:19,203 --> 00:11:19,963
[Clancy] Yes, please.

305
00:11:20,123 --> 00:11:22,003
Well, that would be delightful.

306
00:11:22,163 --> 00:11:25,003
Okay, all the best,
and I'll see you then.

307
00:11:25,163 --> 00:11:25,963
Yes!

308
00:11:27,763 --> 00:11:30,323
[upbeat music]

309
00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:33,523
I have to say, I have
no interest in pop
music whatsoever.

310
00:11:33,683 --> 00:11:35,203
Me neither.

311
00:11:35,363 --> 00:11:36,723
Although I do like some groups.

312
00:11:36,883 --> 00:11:37,963
Who?

313
00:11:38,123 --> 00:11:40,563
Weather Report, um, Snow Patrol,

314
00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:42,683
Earth, Wind & Fire,
especially the Wind bit.

315
00:11:42,843 --> 00:11:43,883
-Ooh.
-Oh, and my favourite song

316
00:11:44,043 --> 00:11:45,323
is Singing In The Rain.

317
00:11:45,483 --> 00:11:47,083
Is it?

318
00:11:47,243 --> 00:11:49,003
I don't know that one,
but it sounds delightful.

319
00:11:49,163 --> 00:11:51,323
These Pussy Riot fellas,

320
00:11:51,483 --> 00:11:52,803
are they a group?

321
00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:54,243
I'm wearing the T-shirt

322
00:11:54,403 --> 00:11:55,643
because I think what
Pussy Riot are doing,

323
00:11:55,803 --> 00:11:57,683
is really important.

324
00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:00,123
I'm fully behind their
radical feminist agenda,

325
00:12:00,283 --> 00:12:02,203
and I'll always turn out
to support them if I can.

326
00:12:02,363 --> 00:12:03,643
Me too.

327
00:12:03,803 --> 00:12:05,723
Do you know what a
feminist looks like?

328
00:12:05,883 --> 00:12:06,483
What?

329
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:07,563
This.

330
00:12:07,723 --> 00:12:10,123
[both laughing]

331
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:13,803
Okay, this date,

332
00:12:13,963 --> 00:12:16,843
would you say things
are blowing hot or cold?

333
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,403
What would your forecast be?

334
00:12:19,723 --> 00:12:21,603
I would say hot.

335
00:12:21,763 --> 00:12:23,843
Ha-ha-ha! So would I.

336
00:12:24,003 --> 00:12:26,563
What say we finish these drinks
and go back to your place?

337
00:12:26,723 --> 00:12:27,683
-Ooh.
-Yes.

338
00:12:32,163 --> 00:12:33,483
Very nice.

339
00:12:33,643 --> 00:12:34,883
Care for a drink?

340
00:12:35,043 --> 00:12:36,603
Uh, a glass of red wine, please.

341
00:12:36,763 --> 00:12:37,483
Large or small?

342
00:12:37,643 --> 00:12:38,603
Large, I think.

343
00:12:43,043 --> 00:12:43,803
Ooh.

344
00:12:45,603 --> 00:12:46,083
Yep...

345
00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:51,083
This is a very
weather-themed room.

346
00:12:53,723 --> 00:12:57,403
I was just admiring
your charming selection
of snow globes.

347
00:12:57,563 --> 00:12:58,363
Oh, Toast.

348
00:13:00,923 --> 00:13:02,403
You must have this
one as a gift.

349
00:13:02,563 --> 00:13:03,443
That's very kind.

350
00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:11,123
It may be cold outside,
but I am very hot.

351
00:13:12,563 --> 00:13:15,323
Oh, you're a
smooth-talker, Toast,

352
00:13:15,483 --> 00:13:16,963
but I have something
to tell you.

353
00:13:18,283 --> 00:13:19,923
I've never been much
good at romance.

354
00:13:21,403 --> 00:13:23,603
I think that's why I try
to stick to the weather.

355
00:13:23,763 --> 00:13:24,883
It's a very British thing.

356
00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:26,083
We can't talk
about our emotions,

357
00:13:26,243 --> 00:13:28,403
so we talk about the weather.

358
00:13:28,563 --> 00:13:31,603
When I'm in love,
I just fall apart.

359
00:13:31,763 --> 00:13:32,723
I don't know what to do.

360
00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:34,043
I lose focus.

361
00:13:35,283 --> 00:13:37,203
Even my hearing goes a bit off.

362
00:13:37,363 --> 00:13:38,803
Well, don't worry
about that shit.

363
00:13:38,963 --> 00:13:40,403
Why would I worry
about bat shit?

364
00:13:40,563 --> 00:13:42,843
No, not bat shit, that shit.

365
00:13:43,003 --> 00:13:44,923
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm
completely losing it now.

366
00:13:45,083 --> 00:13:46,483
It's all because...

367
00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:47,923
I love...

368
00:13:48,083 --> 00:13:48,963
Oh, I can't.

369
00:13:50,483 --> 00:13:52,283
You're the only man
I've ever met...

370
00:13:52,443 --> 00:13:53,923
I can't be the only
man you've ever met.

371
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,803
Who doesn't mind me blathering
on about feminism topics

372
00:13:56,963 --> 00:13:58,243
or the weather.

373
00:13:58,403 --> 00:13:59,443
I don't mind at all.

374
00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:03,243
As the warmth of the day

375
00:14:03,403 --> 00:14:07,203
makes way for the cool
embrace of the night,

376
00:14:07,363 --> 00:14:12,203
let us throw
caution to the wind.

377
00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:14,843
Oh, that's lovely.

378
00:14:18,883 --> 00:14:22,163
[cheerful twinkly music]

379
00:14:24,683 --> 00:14:27,563
Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that.

380
00:14:30,963 --> 00:14:31,803
Are you free tomorrow?

381
00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:35,123
[upbeat music]

382
00:14:35,283 --> 00:14:38,403
She is lovely and
the sex is superb.

383
00:14:38,563 --> 00:14:40,443
Straight down to
it, over in seconds.

384
00:14:40,603 --> 00:14:41,283
A quick park?

385
00:14:41,443 --> 00:14:43,043
A quick park.

386
00:14:43,203 --> 00:14:45,203
No foreplay, just the
way the ladies like it.

387
00:14:45,363 --> 00:14:46,963
Anyway, I've got to split.

388
00:14:47,123 --> 00:14:48,683
Got a bloody voice-over.

389
00:14:48,843 --> 00:14:50,243
Shouldn't take too long,

390
00:14:50,403 --> 00:14:51,963
then I'm seeing
the lovely Clancy,

391
00:14:52,123 --> 00:14:54,643
where the outlook looks
very promising indeed.

392
00:14:54,803 --> 00:14:55,483
You think so?

393
00:14:55,643 --> 00:14:56,363
Yes.

394
00:14:58,083 --> 00:15:00,603
[upbeat music]

395
00:15:02,363 --> 00:15:04,643
So if your broadband
connection is slowing you down,

396
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:07,203
try Thunderbolt
Ultra-Fast Broadband.

397
00:15:08,363 --> 00:15:09,723
Okay, Steven?

398
00:15:09,883 --> 00:15:11,363
Toast!

399
00:15:11,523 --> 00:15:13,643
I couldn't wait until
tonight to see you.

400
00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:15,443
I think you're top-class!

401
00:15:15,603 --> 00:15:16,723
Clancy!

402
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:19,123
[upbeat music]

403
00:15:28,443 --> 00:15:30,923
Damn this glass for getting
in the way of our love!

404
00:15:37,043 --> 00:15:39,163
Sorry, Steven, really
do need to crack on

405
00:15:39,323 --> 00:15:41,403
with this broadband voice-over.

406
00:15:41,563 --> 00:15:42,243
Won't be long.

407
00:15:46,603 --> 00:15:48,163
Go back to your flat, Clancy,

408
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,923
and break open the champagne.

409
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,363
I'll be right with you

410
00:15:51,523 --> 00:15:53,203
after I've dealt with
these two arse holes.

411
00:15:58,923 --> 00:16:00,723
Are we rolling?

412
00:16:00,883 --> 00:16:03,363
So if your broadband
connection is slowing you down,

413
00:16:03,523 --> 00:16:05,643
try Thunderbolt
Ultra-Fast Broadband.

414
00:16:08,763 --> 00:16:09,643
Just one more.

415
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,363
[Toast sighing]

416
00:16:11,523 --> 00:16:14,203
So, if your broadband connection
is slowing you down...

417
00:16:14,363 --> 00:16:16,363
[solemn music]

418
00:16:16,523 --> 00:16:18,883
[owl hooting]

419
00:16:23,803 --> 00:16:27,003
So if your broadband
connection is slowing you down,

420
00:16:27,163 --> 00:16:29,683
try Thunderbolt
Ultra-Fast Broadband.

421
00:16:32,723 --> 00:16:33,643
One more?

422
00:16:33,803 --> 00:16:34,803
[Toast sighing]

423
00:16:34,963 --> 00:16:37,443
[sombre music]

424
00:16:41,643 --> 00:16:42,323
Good morning, Emma.

425
00:16:42,483 --> 00:16:43,723
"Good morning, Emma."

426
00:16:43,883 --> 00:16:44,723
Fucking tool.

427
00:16:47,283 --> 00:16:50,683
[bottles crashing]

428
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,563
Davison, the washing-up
really needs to be done.

429
00:16:53,723 --> 00:16:56,563
Yes, I'll do it!

430
00:16:56,723 --> 00:16:58,483
We just need to make
another batch of wine first.

431
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,363
It's fucking top shit.

432
00:17:00,523 --> 00:17:01,403
Right, we're off to Boots,

433
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:02,763
get some more bottles and gear.

434
00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:03,843
And don't forget-

435
00:17:04,003 --> 00:17:06,603
The washing-up! Yes!

436
00:17:10,443 --> 00:17:11,403
Thank goodness we're
getting out of here

437
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:13,083
for the beauty contest today.

438
00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:15,483
Some relief from those two.

439
00:17:15,643 --> 00:17:16,323
Yeah.

440
00:17:16,483 --> 00:17:17,803
Shit, the weather's on.

441
00:17:17,963 --> 00:17:19,043
I need to see Clancy.

442
00:17:20,043 --> 00:17:22,003
I missed her last night.

443
00:17:22,163 --> 00:17:25,483
Those idiots at Scramble
Studios made me work late.

444
00:17:25,643 --> 00:17:28,963
There'll be a cold
front coming in from...

445
00:17:31,523 --> 00:17:32,723
somewhere.

446
00:17:32,883 --> 00:17:33,923
It'll be freezing.

447
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,843
I don't know what
I'm doing today.

448
00:17:38,003 --> 00:17:39,203
Mm?

449
00:17:39,363 --> 00:17:40,123
See,

450
00:17:41,803 --> 00:17:45,003
my Toasty said that he
would call round last night,

451
00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:47,243
and then didn't turn up.

452
00:17:48,403 --> 00:17:49,683
Ooh.

453
00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:53,123
The weather is so unimportant.

454
00:17:55,243 --> 00:17:56,643
No, no, no, Clancy.
Don't do that.

455
00:17:58,803 --> 00:17:59,683
I think I'm in love.

456
00:18:01,203 --> 00:18:02,483
Oh, dear.

457
00:18:02,643 --> 00:18:03,883
The poor girl seems to
be somewhat distressed.

458
00:18:04,043 --> 00:18:05,003
It's because she's
in love with me.

459
00:18:05,163 --> 00:18:06,323
I mean, who could blame her?

460
00:18:07,883 --> 00:18:11,123
[cheerful twinkling music]

461
00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:17,603
♪ Feeling hot, but
it's cold outside ♪

462
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:22,043
♪ The weather's changeable,
but I don't mind ♪

463
00:18:22,203 --> 00:18:26,763
♪ A gift from God, sent
from heaven above ♪

464
00:18:26,923 --> 00:18:30,363
♪ You could be right,
when you say I'm in love ♪

465
00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:34,923
♪ I'm in love, I'm
in love I'm in love ♪

466
00:18:35,083 --> 00:18:39,203
♪ He's in love, he's
in love, he's in love ♪

467
00:18:39,363 --> 00:18:43,803
♪ I'm in love, I'm in
love, I'm in love ♪

468
00:18:43,963 --> 00:18:48,483
♪ He's in love, he's
in love, he's in love ♪

469
00:18:57,163 --> 00:18:58,363
[car horn beeping]

470
00:18:58,523 --> 00:19:00,563
Ah, that'll be the car
for the beauty contest.

471
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:01,963
Why are we going so early?

472
00:19:02,123 --> 00:19:03,203
Oh, I imagine
there'll be a luncheon

473
00:19:03,363 --> 00:19:05,043
or some lavish
reception beforehand.

474
00:19:05,203 --> 00:19:05,883
[Toast sighing]

475
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:06,763
All right.

476
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,563
International Beauty Contest?

477
00:19:12,723 --> 00:19:13,563
Yes.

478
00:19:13,723 --> 00:19:14,963
Yeah, jump in then.

479
00:19:15,123 --> 00:19:15,883
One of you'll have to
get in the back though.

480
00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:19,203
No, you've got to be kidding.

481
00:19:20,763 --> 00:19:23,123
[door creaking]

482
00:19:24,643 --> 00:19:27,083
[upbeat music]

483
00:19:39,363 --> 00:19:41,923
[phone ringing]

484
00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:43,643
Where the hell are we going?

485
00:19:43,803 --> 00:19:46,643
We've been travelling for
six hours. I'm freezing.

486
00:19:46,803 --> 00:19:48,883
Yes, driver, where
exactly are we going?

487
00:19:49,043 --> 00:19:51,163
I can't tell you that, mate,
the feminists might find out,

488
00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:52,963
then we'll have a
shit-storm, won't we?

489
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,363
Actually, we are a bit early.

490
00:19:56,523 --> 00:19:58,843
I might pull the lamp
out, is that okay?

491
00:19:59,003 --> 00:20:00,483
Lamp? What lamp?

492
00:20:00,643 --> 00:20:02,123
Lamping for rabbits in
that field over there.

493
00:20:02,283 --> 00:20:03,603
Look. Here you are.

494
00:20:03,763 --> 00:20:05,123
Go on. You shoot, right?

495
00:20:05,283 --> 00:20:07,643
I'll lamp and pick up. Nice.

496
00:20:07,803 --> 00:20:10,043
[upbeat music]

497
00:20:15,443 --> 00:20:16,083
[gun firing]

498
00:20:16,243 --> 00:20:17,123
What?!

499
00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:19,483
[gun firing]

500
00:20:19,643 --> 00:20:22,563
What the hell?

501
00:20:22,723 --> 00:20:23,243
Ah! Jesus!

502
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:25,803
Ugh!

503
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:26,843
[gun firing]

504
00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:27,963
Answer your phone, Ed!

505
00:20:28,123 --> 00:20:29,643
What the hell is going on?

506
00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:30,523
[gun firing]

507
00:20:30,683 --> 00:20:31,563
[gun firing]

508
00:20:31,723 --> 00:20:34,323
[gun firing]

509
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:35,803
[gun firing]

510
00:20:35,963 --> 00:20:39,203
-[rooster crowing]
-[dogs barking]

511
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,083
Sorry, Toast.

512
00:20:43,323 --> 00:20:45,123
They used to hold these
things in the Dorchester.

513
00:20:46,883 --> 00:20:48,603
Right, gentlemen, I think
we should get started

514
00:20:48,763 --> 00:20:50,123
as soon as possible, don't you?

515
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,203
Now, wait a minute,
where's the organiser?

516
00:20:51,363 --> 00:20:52,683
We should talk to him.

517
00:20:52,843 --> 00:20:55,003
I'm the organiser,
mate. Vic Titball.

518
00:20:55,163 --> 00:20:57,403
Thanks for agreeing to
judge this year's contest.

519
00:20:57,563 --> 00:20:59,363
I know you said
these beauty contests

520
00:20:59,523 --> 00:21:01,923
have been driven underground,
but this is ridiculous.

521
00:21:02,083 --> 00:21:03,483
Looks more like a dogfight.

522
00:21:03,643 --> 00:21:05,283
Right, let's get the girls in.

523
00:21:05,443 --> 00:21:07,763
Ah, the girls. Where are they?

524
00:21:07,923 --> 00:21:10,083
They're outside in a van,

525
00:21:10,243 --> 00:21:11,483
'cause it's a bit
cramped in here,

526
00:21:11,643 --> 00:21:14,003
we're going to do 'em
in batches of three.

527
00:21:14,163 --> 00:21:17,443
[audience cheering]

528
00:21:17,603 --> 00:21:19,523
Yes, beautiful ladies.

529
00:21:19,683 --> 00:21:23,723
Miss Bulgaria, Miss
Romania, and Miss...

530
00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:24,643
Where you from again, darling?

531
00:21:24,803 --> 00:21:25,683
Albania.

532
00:21:25,843 --> 00:21:26,483
Albania, of course.

533
00:21:26,643 --> 00:21:29,003
Ah, the swimwear round.

534
00:21:29,163 --> 00:21:30,643
[cow mooing]

535
00:21:30,803 --> 00:21:32,363
[dog barking]

536
00:21:32,523 --> 00:21:34,483
[chicken clucking]

537
00:21:34,643 --> 00:21:36,403
Look, I'm getting out of
here, Ed, this is bullshit.

538
00:21:36,563 --> 00:21:37,083
Are you coming?

539
00:21:38,443 --> 00:21:39,723
[farm animals squawking]

540
00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:41,403
[angry rock music]

541
00:21:41,563 --> 00:21:45,043
-[women chanting]
-[audience booing]

542
00:21:45,203 --> 00:21:45,843
Who are they?

543
00:21:46,003 --> 00:21:46,763
Pussy Riot.

544
00:21:51,843 --> 00:21:52,883
Pen?

545
00:21:53,043 --> 00:21:53,803
Clancy!

546
00:21:56,683 --> 00:21:57,883
Toast!

547
00:21:58,043 --> 00:21:59,083
No!

548
00:21:59,243 --> 00:22:00,643
It's not what it seems!

549
00:22:00,803 --> 00:22:03,963
[camera clicking]

550
00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:06,003
History repeating itself,
it would appear, Toast.

551
00:22:06,163 --> 00:22:08,003
Clancy was furious.

552
00:22:08,163 --> 00:22:09,443
I'm truly heartbroken, Ed.

553
00:22:09,603 --> 00:22:10,683
It's all over now.

554
00:22:10,843 --> 00:22:11,363
Such a shame.

555
00:22:13,003 --> 00:22:14,643
Have you seen Davison and Emma?

556
00:22:14,803 --> 00:22:16,443
Are they back yet?

557
00:22:16,603 --> 00:22:18,843
Davison still hasn't
done the washing-up!

558
00:22:19,003 --> 00:22:20,323
I haven't seen them, Ed.

559
00:22:20,483 --> 00:22:21,643
Maybe they're in their room.

560
00:22:25,123 --> 00:22:28,003
[horrifying music]

561
00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:34,923
I don't think Davison's
in a fit state

562
00:22:35,083 --> 00:22:36,923
to do the washing-up, Ed.

563
00:22:37,083 --> 00:22:39,683
All right, it's just
you and me, then.

564
00:22:39,843 --> 00:22:42,123
[solemn music]

565
00:22:45,603 --> 00:22:46,923
Huh, unbelievable!

566
00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:49,643
[both laughing]

567
00:22:55,323 --> 00:22:59,883
♪ So take my hand, we'll
disappear to above the sun ♪

568
00:23:01,403 --> 00:23:02,883
♪ Too far from here ♪

569
00:23:03,043 --> 00:23:07,003
♪ No, I don't know you
and you don't know me ♪

570
00:23:07,163 --> 00:23:10,843
♪ I just had to talk
to you, you see ♪

571
00:23:11,003 --> 00:23:13,763
♪ So take my hand ♪