1 00:00:04,576 --> 00:00:09,543 Neigh. 2 00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:11,410 Is that it? 3 00:00:11,543 --> 00:00:12,876 Well, yeah. That's all it says here. 4 00:00:16,510 --> 00:00:18,810 Steven, we think the neigh is probably meant to 5 00:00:18,943 --> 00:00:20,176 be the sound of a horse. 6 00:00:20,310 --> 00:00:21,843 You want me to make the sound of a horse? 7 00:00:21,976 --> 00:00:24,476 Yeah. I'm guessing the neigh is just a rough indication. 8 00:00:24,610 --> 00:00:25,876 So just do the sound of a horse. 9 00:00:26,010 --> 00:00:26,810 All right. 10 00:00:29,110 --> 00:00:31,743 [Steven neighs] 11 00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:37,110 Steven, this is Clem Fandango. 12 00:00:37,243 --> 00:00:37,910 Can you hear me? 13 00:00:38,043 --> 00:00:39,510 Yes. 14 00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:40,243 The feeling here is it didn't sound much like a horse. 15 00:00:40,376 --> 00:00:41,676 What? 16 00:00:41,810 --> 00:00:42,476 Would it help that instead of a neigh 17 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:43,110 you could try a whinny? 18 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:44,710 A what? 19 00:00:44,843 --> 00:00:45,910 Yeah, we think a whinny might be better than a neigh. 20 00:00:46,043 --> 00:00:47,310 What's the difference? 21 00:00:47,443 --> 00:00:48,276 Just do another horse sound. 22 00:00:48,410 --> 00:00:50,010 Think whinny, rather than neigh. 23 00:00:53,143 --> 00:00:55,943 [Steven whinnies] 24 00:01:00,376 --> 00:01:02,610 Steven. Was that a whinny 25 00:01:02,743 --> 00:01:03,710 'cause it sounded a lot like a neigh? 26 00:01:03,843 --> 00:01:04,710 Jesus Christ. 27 00:01:04,843 --> 00:01:06,276 Look, I got things to do. 28 00:01:06,410 --> 00:01:07,610 And one of those is not sitting 29 00:01:07,743 --> 00:01:10,243 with you two pilchards making horse noises. 30 00:01:12,110 --> 00:01:12,943 What are you doing? 31 00:01:13,110 --> 00:01:14,343 Just googling whinny and neigh. 32 00:01:14,476 --> 00:01:15,876 Oh for [beep] 33 00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,110 Why don't you just bring a horse in here? 34 00:01:18,243 --> 00:01:19,110 Yeah. I mean, I'm sure he'd be able to 35 00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:20,110 nail it first time. 36 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:21,710 Health and safety issue, Steven. 37 00:01:21,843 --> 00:01:23,443 Sorry, Steven. I've got this so wrong. 38 00:01:23,576 --> 00:01:25,743 It's actually neigh-bors. 39 00:01:27,343 --> 00:01:28,543 Neighbours. 40 00:01:28,676 --> 00:01:30,176 Yeah, it's my fault. The whole script 41 00:01:30,310 --> 00:01:31,843 didn't print out. I just, I just got a bit of it. 42 00:01:31,976 --> 00:01:32,843 You're an idiot. 43 00:01:35,776 --> 00:01:36,576 Are we rolling? 44 00:01:38,210 --> 00:01:41,310 Neigh-bors, returning to Channel Five this autumn. 45 00:01:41,443 --> 00:01:42,710 Don't miss it. 46 00:01:42,843 --> 00:01:45,210 Every weekday at 5:30PM. 47 00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:50,976 [glasses clattering] 48 00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,610 [piano music] 49 00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:00,843 [theme music] 50 00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:21,110 [water pouring] 51 00:02:21,243 --> 00:02:22,510 Breakfast's ready. 52 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,476 Okay. 53 00:02:25,910 --> 00:02:27,176 [birds singing] 54 00:02:27,310 --> 00:02:28,876 [footsteps on stairs] 55 00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:30,443 [stairs collapsing] [Steven crying out] 56 00:02:30,576 --> 00:02:34,610 [crockery breaking] [Steven groaning] 57 00:02:34,743 --> 00:02:36,176 [Steven sighs] 58 00:02:36,310 --> 00:02:40,010 [concrete smashing] [Steven crying out] 59 00:02:40,143 --> 00:02:42,976 Are you sure you don't want me to call an ambulance? 60 00:02:43,110 --> 00:02:45,110 You've just crashed through a complete flight of stairs 61 00:02:45,243 --> 00:02:46,476 and been hit by falling masonry. 62 00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:48,376 No, no, no, no. 63 00:02:48,510 --> 00:02:50,476 Just wearing the Band-Aid should suffice. 64 00:02:50,610 --> 00:02:52,110 Anyway, I've gotta get a wriggle on 65 00:02:52,176 --> 00:02:54,110 otherwise I'll be late for Maths. 66 00:02:54,243 --> 00:02:54,943 Maths? 67 00:02:55,110 --> 00:02:55,876 No, 68 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,110 bill. 69 00:02:58,176 --> 00:02:59,443 I've got, I've gotta go and pay my bar bill. 70 00:02:59,576 --> 00:03:00,910 Maths. 71 00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:02,510 It's like you're off to school and I'm your mom. 72 00:03:02,643 --> 00:03:03,943 What are you talking about? 73 00:03:04,110 --> 00:03:06,276 Perhaps you should see a doctor. 74 00:03:06,410 --> 00:03:07,410 Goodnight. 75 00:03:10,910 --> 00:03:12,243 [coins clattering] 76 00:03:12,376 --> 00:03:13,110 There you go, Ian. 77 00:03:13,176 --> 00:03:14,776 Sorry it's all in coins. 78 00:03:14,910 --> 00:03:17,110 Well look, I'll give you the rest later. 79 00:03:17,243 --> 00:03:19,343 Blair? What the hell are you doing here? 80 00:03:19,476 --> 00:03:20,510 You'd better sit down. 81 00:03:20,643 --> 00:03:21,310 I am sitting down. 82 00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:22,143 No, you're not. 83 00:03:22,276 --> 00:03:23,643 No, I'm not. 84 00:03:23,776 --> 00:03:24,643 Please sit down. 85 00:03:26,776 --> 00:03:28,710 It's father, he's dying. 86 00:03:28,843 --> 00:03:29,543 That's a pity. 87 00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:30,876 Would you like a drink? 88 00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:31,543 Why the hell are you wearing that? 89 00:03:31,676 --> 00:03:32,543 What? 90 00:03:32,676 --> 00:03:33,510 There's a bandage on your head. 91 00:03:33,643 --> 00:03:35,476 I crashed through some stairs, 92 00:03:36,676 --> 00:03:37,810 I think. 93 00:03:37,943 --> 00:03:40,210 Well as I say, father's days are numbered. 94 00:03:40,343 --> 00:03:41,710 Doctor reckons he'll be dead by Friday. 95 00:03:41,843 --> 00:03:43,110 So you said. 96 00:03:43,176 --> 00:03:44,743 Right, so we need to get down there pronto 97 00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:46,776 and make sure he doesn't leave everything to the bloody dog. 98 00:03:46,910 --> 00:03:48,343 Or worse still, the servants. 99 00:03:48,476 --> 00:03:51,276 Who cares? He's never given a rat's arse about me. 100 00:03:51,410 --> 00:03:53,243 Tells everyone I'm dead. 101 00:03:53,376 --> 00:03:54,810 I don't want anything from him. 102 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:56,543 Yes but I do, you bloody idiot. 103 00:03:56,676 --> 00:03:58,876 Think about it, Toast. Think. 104 00:03:59,010 --> 00:04:02,510 If I get the country castle, you get the London pad. 105 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:03,343 The London pad? 106 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:04,976 Hmm. Yeah. 107 00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:06,776 No rent and I wouldn't have to listen 108 00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:08,810 to Ed's love making marathons. 109 00:04:08,943 --> 00:04:12,776 Exactly. So we need to get down there Jaldi, Jaldi. 110 00:04:12,910 --> 00:04:14,643 Right. I'm off to get the National Express 111 00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,976 at Victoria Coach Station. 112 00:04:17,110 --> 00:04:19,776 The old family home could already be crawling 113 00:04:19,910 --> 00:04:21,276 with oily freeloaders. 114 00:04:21,410 --> 00:04:23,010 We have to make sure we get to him first. 115 00:04:23,143 --> 00:04:24,410 We can't leave anything to chance. 116 00:04:24,543 --> 00:04:25,510 Are we clear? 117 00:04:25,643 --> 00:04:27,276 Are we clear? 118 00:04:27,410 --> 00:04:30,276 Now you need to take this very seriously, Toast. 119 00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:31,243 I don't wanna get down there 120 00:04:31,376 --> 00:04:32,576 and find myself outnumbered. 121 00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:33,943 All right. 122 00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,643 Now how do I get out of this [beep] house? 123 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,476 [guitar music] 124 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,110 50, 55, 60. 125 00:04:42,243 --> 00:04:43,410 What? More coins? 126 00:04:43,543 --> 00:04:45,843 Sorry Toast, they only had change. 127 00:04:45,976 --> 00:04:49,443 But it's the BBC. Can't they make a direct payment 128 00:04:49,576 --> 00:04:50,776 into my account, or something? 129 00:04:50,910 --> 00:04:52,943 Now the people who make direct payments 130 00:04:53,110 --> 00:04:55,576 have all moved to Shalford. Sign of the times, 131 00:04:55,710 --> 00:04:58,443 I'm afraid. Massive cutbacks. 132 00:04:58,576 --> 00:05:00,243 Why are you all glammed up, Jane? 133 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:03,010 I'm meeting Jon Hamm. 134 00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:06,110 I've literally never heard of him. 135 00:05:06,210 --> 00:05:08,810 Probably one of the best actors in the world. 136 00:05:08,943 --> 00:05:10,410 [Steven scoffs] 137 00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:12,410 Surprised you've literally never heard of him. 138 00:05:12,543 --> 00:05:16,210 He's fabulous. Sexy and terrifically good-looking. 139 00:05:16,343 --> 00:05:18,276 He's on a short break from filming 140 00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:19,810 that Tommy Cooper film in Dorset. 141 00:05:19,943 --> 00:05:21,243 [Steven groans] 142 00:05:21,376 --> 00:05:24,010 I'm meeting him upstairs at The Colonial. 143 00:05:24,143 --> 00:05:25,310 Why don't you come along and say hello? 144 00:05:25,443 --> 00:05:26,310 No, I'm not interested. 145 00:05:26,443 --> 00:05:29,810 He is hugely charismatic. 146 00:05:29,943 --> 00:05:31,143 Is he? Indeed. 147 00:05:31,276 --> 00:05:32,876 You know something, I've never met anyone 148 00:05:33,010 --> 00:05:35,510 with any charisma ever. 149 00:05:35,643 --> 00:05:37,110 It's a complete myth. 150 00:05:37,176 --> 00:05:39,943 Even that time I was introduced to Sean Connery. 151 00:05:40,110 --> 00:05:42,143 It was like meeting a chair or a dead rabbit. 152 00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:45,376 Well, everybody, people of every sex 153 00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:49,876 and all sizes and shapes and ethnic groups adore Hamm. 154 00:05:50,010 --> 00:05:53,176 I'm not interested. But it just so happens 155 00:05:53,310 --> 00:05:55,376 I now have the exact money to pay my bar tab 156 00:05:55,510 --> 00:05:59,010 at The Colonial. So I'll walk with you. 157 00:05:59,143 --> 00:06:00,410 [chime music] 158 00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:01,376 Ridiculous. 159 00:06:03,210 --> 00:06:04,710 [coins clattering] 160 00:06:04,843 --> 00:06:06,976 That'll do you. Right, I'm off. 161 00:06:07,110 --> 00:06:09,176 Give my regards to West Ham, whatever his name is. 162 00:06:09,310 --> 00:06:11,210 You sure you won't stay for a drink? 163 00:06:11,343 --> 00:06:12,876 Jane, like I told you, 164 00:06:13,010 --> 00:06:16,843 I've absolutely no interest what so- [door opening] 165 00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,343 [pipe music] 166 00:06:20,276 --> 00:06:21,543 Jane. 167 00:06:21,676 --> 00:06:25,743 Oh, how lovely to see you, Jonny. 168 00:06:25,876 --> 00:06:29,710 Oh, this is Steven Toast. He's not staying. 169 00:06:33,243 --> 00:06:35,676 Well, it's nice to meet you anyway. 170 00:06:37,376 --> 00:06:38,710 Where are you off to? Home to Ed? 171 00:06:40,110 --> 00:06:42,110 Who's Ed? Is that your husband? 172 00:06:42,176 --> 00:06:42,943 Are you homosexual? 173 00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:44,110 [Steven and Jane laugh] 174 00:06:44,243 --> 00:06:47,010 [Steven mumbles] 175 00:06:54,443 --> 00:06:56,110 Do you know, I might stay. 176 00:06:57,343 --> 00:06:59,343 I can't believe he's actually doing it. 177 00:06:59,476 --> 00:07:01,543 Can you imagine? What do you think, Toast? 178 00:07:02,843 --> 00:07:03,543 What? 179 00:07:03,676 --> 00:07:04,943 Mark Rylance, 180 00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:08,610 in the jungle Celebrity Get Me Out of Here show. 181 00:07:08,743 --> 00:07:10,776 What have you done to your head? 182 00:07:10,910 --> 00:07:13,710 Some stairs collapsed on top of me. 183 00:07:13,843 --> 00:07:17,476 Are you okay? You seem a bit weird. 184 00:07:17,610 --> 00:07:19,410 You're not yourself, are you, Toast? 185 00:07:19,543 --> 00:07:22,743 Poor dear. Would you go and get us some more drinks? 186 00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:27,710 Get some drinks. Yes. 187 00:07:27,843 --> 00:07:29,410 Some more of your drinks please, Ian. 188 00:07:29,543 --> 00:07:31,943 Excuse me, are you Stephen Toast? 189 00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:34,143 Maybe. So what if I am? 190 00:07:34,276 --> 00:07:35,610 My name is Pooky Hook. 191 00:07:35,743 --> 00:07:38,976 I have to say, I'm a huge fan of yours. 192 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:40,776 I'm an actress and model. 193 00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:44,110 I, I would love to meet up for a drink or something, 194 00:07:44,176 --> 00:07:48,110 so you could give me some acting and modelling tips. 195 00:07:48,210 --> 00:07:50,876 Look, this is my night off. 196 00:07:51,010 --> 00:07:52,243 If you want to get in touch 197 00:07:52,376 --> 00:07:53,543 you'll have to go through my agent. 198 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:59,110 Well, I have to go to the Savile Row and buy some shirts. 199 00:07:59,243 --> 00:08:02,643 Well, it's been delightful, Jonny. 200 00:08:02,776 --> 00:08:03,576 Can I come? 201 00:08:03,710 --> 00:08:04,510 Hmm? 202 00:08:04,643 --> 00:08:05,510 What? 203 00:08:05,643 --> 00:08:07,110 Can I come to the Savile Row? 204 00:08:07,243 --> 00:08:09,410 I thought you had something important to attend to. 205 00:08:09,543 --> 00:08:10,710 No, well that can wait. 206 00:08:10,843 --> 00:08:12,443 I'd rather go to the Savile Row with Hamm. 207 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,210 Would he mind? 208 00:08:14,343 --> 00:08:15,476 I'm sorry, Hamm. 209 00:08:15,610 --> 00:08:17,110 Well, it's no problem. 210 00:08:17,210 --> 00:08:19,843 I sometimes get confused with your British shirt sizes, 211 00:08:19,976 --> 00:08:21,843 so perhaps Steven could give me a hand. 212 00:08:21,976 --> 00:08:24,810 [exotic music] 213 00:08:24,943 --> 00:08:26,410 Every shirt. 214 00:08:26,543 --> 00:08:28,676 I mean, every shirt looks sensational on him. 215 00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:31,110 And words cannot describe how great he is. 216 00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:33,343 Sounds like you have a bit of a crush on Hamm, Toast. 217 00:08:33,476 --> 00:08:36,176 What? A crush on Jon Hamm? 218 00:08:36,310 --> 00:08:38,643 You couldn't be more wide of the mark, Ed. 219 00:08:38,776 --> 00:08:41,710 Well, I will admit the man certainly has charisma. 220 00:08:43,143 --> 00:08:44,510 Care for a fancy, Toast? 221 00:08:44,643 --> 00:08:47,110 Ooh. Don't mind if I do. 222 00:08:47,210 --> 00:08:50,110 [ceiling creaking] 223 00:08:51,876 --> 00:08:53,743 These are delicious fancies, Ed. 224 00:08:53,876 --> 00:08:58,743 [ceiling collapsing] [plate rattling] 225 00:09:00,143 --> 00:09:01,543 Any word on those replacement stairs? 226 00:09:01,676 --> 00:09:03,143 Otherwise it's gonna be a pain in the arse 227 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,243 having to use that ladder each time we want to go to bed. 228 00:09:05,376 --> 00:09:06,276 It might be dry rot. 229 00:09:06,410 --> 00:09:09,510 [ceiling collapsing] 230 00:09:11,543 --> 00:09:13,243 Are you a fan of Jon Hamm, Ed? 231 00:09:13,376 --> 00:09:16,843 Oh yes. I've got every series of Mad Men on DVD. 232 00:09:16,976 --> 00:09:18,343 It's pretty much the best show on telly. 233 00:09:18,476 --> 00:09:19,676 Yeah, I'd heard it's great. 234 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:20,676 I'd love to see them. 235 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:21,843 Well- 236 00:09:21,976 --> 00:09:23,310 Now. I'd love to see it now. 237 00:09:23,443 --> 00:09:24,343 All right. 238 00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:25,310 If I could see them now- 239 00:09:25,443 --> 00:09:26,110 Oh, I'll try and dig them out. 240 00:09:26,243 --> 00:09:27,143 Quick as you can. 241 00:09:28,676 --> 00:09:29,443 [Mad Men theme music playing] [Steven chuckling] 242 00:09:29,576 --> 00:09:30,376 What's he doing? 243 00:09:31,476 --> 00:09:32,443 He's insane! 244 00:09:34,543 --> 00:09:37,343 [Steven laughing] 245 00:09:39,943 --> 00:09:43,376 And his show is both terrifying and very funny, 246 00:09:43,510 --> 00:09:46,476 and he is hilarious and quite mad, innit? 247 00:09:46,610 --> 00:09:47,876 [phone ringing] 248 00:09:48,010 --> 00:09:49,243 It sounds like your phone, Toast. 249 00:09:49,376 --> 00:09:50,210 Ah. 250 00:09:51,643 --> 00:09:52,476 Who's Blair? 251 00:09:53,576 --> 00:09:55,110 It's your brother, you idiot. 252 00:09:55,243 --> 00:09:56,210 You should answer it, Toast. 253 00:09:56,343 --> 00:09:57,110 It'll be about your father. 254 00:09:57,243 --> 00:09:58,110 Who? 255 00:09:58,243 --> 00:09:59,110 Your father. 256 00:09:59,243 --> 00:10:00,276 [phone ringing] 257 00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:01,443 Toast. 258 00:10:01,576 --> 00:10:02,643 I'm giving you my position. 259 00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:03,976 What? 260 00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:07,043 I'm somewhere between Sherborne and Crewkerne. 261 00:10:07,176 --> 00:10:10,410 I'll phone you with information when I arrive. 262 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,510 But make sure you're here by Friday, Toast 263 00:10:12,643 --> 00:10:14,343 and don't bloody forget. 264 00:10:14,476 --> 00:10:15,776 What the hell are you talking about? 265 00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:16,843 Gone. 266 00:10:16,976 --> 00:10:18,576 He's hung up. 267 00:10:20,143 --> 00:10:22,610 Anyway, any word from Hamm? Has he asked about me? 268 00:10:22,743 --> 00:10:24,876 Not that I recall. 269 00:10:25,010 --> 00:10:27,410 Oh, he's just moved into a flat in London. 270 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:30,776 Meard Street, above the deli. Isn't that opposite you? 271 00:10:30,910 --> 00:10:32,876 Opposite me and Ed, yes. 272 00:10:33,010 --> 00:10:34,043 I could show him some local haunts. 273 00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,310 Have you got his number? 274 00:10:35,443 --> 00:10:37,143 Hamm is a major celebrity, 275 00:10:37,276 --> 00:10:39,543 I can't give out his number to any Tom, Dick or Toast. 276 00:10:39,676 --> 00:10:41,143 He might have it hacked. 277 00:10:41,276 --> 00:10:42,010 [intercom buzzes] 278 00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:43,510 Yes India, what is it? 279 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,143 It's Peter Davison again. 280 00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:49,976 Davison's cut his finger off opening a letter? 281 00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:51,743 All his fingers, or just one? 282 00:10:51,876 --> 00:10:52,976 Oh, hang on. I'll have to come out. 283 00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:53,976 [phone clatters down] 284 00:10:54,110 --> 00:10:55,110 I'll be back in a minute. 285 00:10:56,710 --> 00:10:59,210 [exotic music] 286 00:11:02,110 --> 00:11:03,476 Here we are. 287 00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:07,110 Tony Hatch. Judith Hann. Jimmy Yuill. 288 00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,443 Jon Hamm. There's the boy. 289 00:11:13,310 --> 00:11:14,176 Hello? 290 00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:16,110 Hi Hamm, it's Steven Toast here. 291 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,676 [Jon] Oh. Yes, hello. 292 00:11:19,110 --> 00:11:21,110 How's it going your end? 293 00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:22,743 Everything's great. 294 00:11:22,876 --> 00:11:25,143 Listen, I, I was just wondering 295 00:11:25,276 --> 00:11:27,576 if you'd fancy going for a drink sometime? 296 00:11:28,510 --> 00:11:29,576 When were you thinking? 297 00:11:29,710 --> 00:11:30,910 Tomorrow. 298 00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,443 I could do tomorrow afternoon, but I can't stay late. 299 00:11:35,576 --> 00:11:37,643 I'm shooting tomorrow in Dorset. 300 00:11:37,776 --> 00:11:40,010 No, no, that's fine. That, that is amazing. 301 00:11:40,143 --> 00:11:43,110 Listen, we'll meet upstairs at The Colonial, 302 00:11:43,176 --> 00:11:46,810 we'll sink a few and then maybe go for an Italian for two. 303 00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,643 Look, or whatever. Let's meet at one o'clock. 304 00:11:52,776 --> 00:11:53,510 Yes. 305 00:11:53,643 --> 00:11:54,910 Perfection 306 00:11:55,110 --> 00:11:58,110 [Jane] Staunch the flow, India. [door opening] 307 00:11:58,243 --> 00:11:59,176 Bloody hell. 308 00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:04,010 Davison's only gone and lopped his middle finger off. 309 00:12:04,143 --> 00:12:05,810 Tried not to make a fuss in front of him 310 00:12:05,943 --> 00:12:10,110 but when the bandages are off, it will look quite odd. 311 00:12:10,210 --> 00:12:13,110 Ha! Never a dull moment. 312 00:12:16,410 --> 00:12:20,243 Toast, you all right? 313 00:12:20,376 --> 00:12:22,843 [piano music] 314 00:12:26,010 --> 00:12:28,176 Oh, hello again. 315 00:12:28,310 --> 00:12:31,543 Have you thought anymore about that personal tuition idea? 316 00:12:31,676 --> 00:12:32,843 You could come to my flat, if you want. 317 00:12:32,976 --> 00:12:35,143 I've got a sauna and jacuzzi. 318 00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:37,776 Maybe we could relax afterwards. 319 00:12:37,910 --> 00:12:41,110 [Steven blows air out] 320 00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:46,110 [piano music] 321 00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:01,410 [romantic piano music] 322 00:13:08,943 --> 00:13:11,210 [sensual music] 323 00:13:11,343 --> 00:13:15,776 * I've got myself in a terrible jam. * 324 00:13:15,910 --> 00:13:20,776 * I hit my head and now I fancy a man. * 325 00:13:22,143 --> 00:13:25,843 * I should feel up, I've never felt so down, * 326 00:13:27,276 --> 00:13:30,976 * and they say I'm the worst actor in town. * 327 00:13:31,843 --> 00:13:33,610 * You're the worst. * 328 00:13:33,743 --> 00:13:36,710 * Yes you are. * 329 00:13:36,843 --> 00:13:39,776 [Ray laughs evilly] 330 00:13:41,843 --> 00:13:46,343 * You are the worst actor in the world. * 331 00:13:56,110 --> 00:13:59,110 [gramophone playing] 332 00:14:06,676 --> 00:14:08,510 [gramophone clicks off] 333 00:14:08,643 --> 00:14:10,176 Is this something to do with you meeting Hamm later? 334 00:14:10,310 --> 00:14:11,776 No. 335 00:14:11,910 --> 00:14:13,610 You're not making a mix tape for him, are you? 336 00:14:13,743 --> 00:14:14,876 No. 337 00:14:15,010 --> 00:14:16,210 I mean, he's probably not interested 338 00:14:16,343 --> 00:14:17,876 in those old marching tunes you're so fond of. 339 00:14:18,010 --> 00:14:19,210 And recording them on cassette, 340 00:14:19,343 --> 00:14:20,643 it's very old fashioned. 341 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:23,110 It's all SoundCloud and Spotify these days. 342 00:14:23,243 --> 00:14:25,243 [ceiling collapse on gramophone] 343 00:14:25,376 --> 00:14:26,210 Oh dear. 344 00:14:27,443 --> 00:14:29,443 I don't know what I'm doing. 345 00:14:29,576 --> 00:14:31,110 It's been a while since I've been- 346 00:14:31,176 --> 00:14:32,710 In love? 347 00:14:32,843 --> 00:14:34,176 Why the hell would you say that? 348 00:14:34,310 --> 00:14:36,743 You're not eating, you're not sleeping. 349 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,410 You're keeping a diary. You've got all the symptoms. 350 00:14:39,543 --> 00:14:40,743 You don't understand. 351 00:14:40,876 --> 00:14:43,443 He's got this charisma, it's like black magic. 352 00:14:43,576 --> 00:14:45,810 Jane says he draws everyone in. 353 00:14:45,943 --> 00:14:47,443 Why don't I make you a cup of hot chocolate 354 00:14:47,576 --> 00:14:50,010 and we can talk about this like adults? 355 00:14:50,143 --> 00:14:52,376 I don't think this obsession with Hamm is healthy. 356 00:14:52,510 --> 00:14:55,110 You don't know him and you don't understand me. 357 00:14:55,210 --> 00:14:58,976 And I hate living here and I'm going to my room. 358 00:15:03,176 --> 00:15:05,110 And I've forgotten my ladder. 359 00:15:05,243 --> 00:15:08,176 [exotic music] 360 00:15:08,310 --> 00:15:09,376 Did you know that every phone line 361 00:15:09,510 --> 00:15:11,110 in Hollywood is connected to an [beep]? 362 00:15:12,343 --> 00:15:14,376 Hundreds of guys waiting to [beep] you over. 363 00:15:15,676 --> 00:15:18,610 But it's good to be back filming in the UK. 364 00:15:18,743 --> 00:15:22,710 Dorset is lovely this time of the year. 365 00:15:25,643 --> 00:15:27,243 Are you crying? 366 00:15:27,376 --> 00:15:30,743 Oh no. It's just that, you speak so eloquently, Hamm. 367 00:15:30,876 --> 00:15:32,143 Oh. [Jon scoffs] 368 00:15:32,276 --> 00:15:33,743 You really do. 369 00:15:33,876 --> 00:15:35,710 It's like hearing one's own name mentioned on the wireless. 370 00:15:37,376 --> 00:15:39,110 Listen, you don't fancy a stroll in the park, do you? 371 00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:40,176 I mean, only if you're free, that is. 372 00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:41,910 I'm free until five. 373 00:15:42,110 --> 00:15:43,476 Only till five? 374 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,476 What have you got on? A photo shoot, 375 00:15:45,610 --> 00:15:47,110 a cocktail soirée? 376 00:15:48,210 --> 00:15:49,176 A dental appointment. 377 00:15:49,310 --> 00:15:51,510 Well, your teeth look so perfect 378 00:15:51,643 --> 00:15:53,576 when you play the mad man. 379 00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:58,543 Let's go. 380 00:15:58,676 --> 00:16:01,110 [exotic music] 381 00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:13,676 That was the best fun I've ever had. 382 00:16:13,810 --> 00:16:15,276 I've got an idea. 383 00:16:15,410 --> 00:16:17,976 You're filming in Dorset, right? 384 00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:19,443 I need to be in Somerset in the morning. 385 00:16:19,576 --> 00:16:21,543 We could travel down together. 386 00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:25,210 You can meet my father. Have to look sharp, he's dying. 387 00:16:25,343 --> 00:16:26,543 I don't know. 388 00:16:26,676 --> 00:16:27,943 I, I, I don't like being around dying people. 389 00:16:28,110 --> 00:16:29,176 I feel like it's bad luck. 390 00:16:29,310 --> 00:16:30,576 Oh, come on. 391 00:16:30,710 --> 00:16:31,776 I could show you my father's castle. 392 00:16:31,910 --> 00:16:33,276 It's the tallest in the world. 393 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,143 Well, I've got your number. 394 00:16:36,110 --> 00:16:37,210 Listen. This was- 395 00:16:37,343 --> 00:16:39,376 The best time you've ever had. 396 00:16:40,743 --> 00:16:41,710 No. 397 00:16:41,843 --> 00:16:42,610 Okay. 398 00:16:42,743 --> 00:16:44,676 So, I'm going to go. 399 00:16:46,110 --> 00:16:49,443 Cool. Yeah. Maybe see you tomorrow. 400 00:16:53,243 --> 00:16:54,410 Oh God. 401 00:16:54,543 --> 00:16:55,743 Steven. Hi. 402 00:16:55,876 --> 00:16:56,843 God, not you again. 403 00:16:56,976 --> 00:16:58,110 How are you? 404 00:16:58,243 --> 00:16:59,110 What do you want? 405 00:16:59,176 --> 00:17:00,676 Myself and a lot of other girls 406 00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:02,443 who are actresses and models 407 00:17:02,576 --> 00:17:04,343 are going yachting over the weekend. 408 00:17:04,476 --> 00:17:06,810 We would love for you to join us 409 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,110 so you could tutor us in acting and modelling. 410 00:17:09,243 --> 00:17:10,776 Me and the girls really enjoy 411 00:17:10,910 --> 00:17:12,876 topless sunbathing on the deck. 412 00:17:13,010 --> 00:17:14,343 But if you're bothered by that, 413 00:17:14,476 --> 00:17:16,376 we can wear our bikini tops. 414 00:17:16,510 --> 00:17:18,576 I haven't got an auntie's whiff about modelling. 415 00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:22,176 Is this some kind of ploy to get me on your sex boat? 416 00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:25,843 And if it is, then you're barking up the wrong acorn. 417 00:17:25,976 --> 00:17:26,810 Oh. 418 00:17:30,410 --> 00:17:32,010 What the hell is wrong with me? 419 00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:36,543 The man's like crack. He's like crack. 420 00:17:42,810 --> 00:17:46,576 [Mad Men theme music playing] 421 00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:10,410 Toast, what are you doing here? 422 00:18:10,543 --> 00:18:13,910 Hamm, it's you. Your window was open, 423 00:18:14,110 --> 00:18:15,710 I couldn't resist climbing in. 424 00:18:15,843 --> 00:18:18,710 Yes. Well, I spend a lot of time hiding in my bed 425 00:18:18,843 --> 00:18:20,543 to avoid the paparazzi. 426 00:18:20,676 --> 00:18:22,676 It has a special Hamm-shaped indentation 427 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,176 so that it appears to be flat. 428 00:18:26,110 --> 00:18:27,176 What's with the mask? 429 00:18:28,710 --> 00:18:31,210 It's Lovejoy, the antiques guy. 430 00:18:32,576 --> 00:18:34,743 Do you wear that so you're not recognised? 431 00:18:34,876 --> 00:18:36,543 No. 432 00:18:36,676 --> 00:18:38,776 I just went to the shop, they had a bunch of them. 433 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,643 Mr. Bean, the Queen, Camilla, Prince Charles. 434 00:18:40,776 --> 00:18:41,943 I just liked the Lovejoy. 435 00:18:44,376 --> 00:18:46,210 You certainly are a mad man. 436 00:18:47,176 --> 00:18:50,410 [phone ringing] 437 00:18:50,543 --> 00:18:51,943 Yep. 438 00:18:52,110 --> 00:18:54,110 I'm here. I've not entered the premises yet, 439 00:18:54,210 --> 00:18:57,776 but on first look, it seems to be pretty vulture free. 440 00:18:57,910 --> 00:18:59,543 Blair, what the [beep] are you talking about? 441 00:18:59,676 --> 00:19:01,176 Don't jiggle me about. 442 00:19:01,310 --> 00:19:03,676 You need to get here before the relatives descend. 443 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,276 There could be dozens of them. 444 00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:08,643 I can't afford to find myself outnumbered, Toast. 445 00:19:08,776 --> 00:19:12,243 Outnumbered, you say. Don't worry about that, Blair, 446 00:19:12,376 --> 00:19:13,876 I can bring someone with me. 447 00:19:14,010 --> 00:19:17,410 He's fit and has bags of charisma. 448 00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:22,210 What? 449 00:19:22,343 --> 00:19:23,110 Hamm? 450 00:19:23,243 --> 00:19:24,476 Yes? 451 00:19:24,610 --> 00:19:26,176 It's about time you met my father. 452 00:19:26,310 --> 00:19:28,143 [funk music] 453 00:19:28,276 --> 00:19:29,576 That is one tall castle. 454 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,576 Tallest in the world. 455 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,543 I, Gonville Toast. 456 00:19:40,676 --> 00:19:43,110 I wish for my paintings, 457 00:19:43,176 --> 00:19:48,110 my gold and my dog to be buried with me. 458 00:19:48,710 --> 00:19:49,910 [dog whines] 459 00:19:50,110 --> 00:19:52,210 Paintings, gold, dog, to be buried with you 460 00:19:52,343 --> 00:19:53,843 upon your death. 461 00:19:53,976 --> 00:19:57,476 [Steven] Father, I'm here. Your son has arrived. 462 00:19:57,610 --> 00:19:58,876 Who said that? 463 00:19:59,010 --> 00:20:01,743 That's your other son, father. The actor. 464 00:20:01,876 --> 00:20:04,510 The actor? I thought he was dead. 465 00:20:04,643 --> 00:20:06,976 No father, that's just what you tell everybody 466 00:20:07,110 --> 00:20:07,843 because you hate him. 467 00:20:07,976 --> 00:20:09,676 Is that you, Toast? 468 00:20:09,810 --> 00:20:12,610 We're at the top, in father's bedroom. Come quickly. 469 00:20:12,743 --> 00:20:16,910 And my firearms collection shall be left to 470 00:20:17,043 --> 00:20:20,610 Annie Lennox. 471 00:20:20,743 --> 00:20:23,010 And finally- 472 00:20:23,143 --> 00:20:24,010 Hurry up, Toast. 473 00:20:24,143 --> 00:20:28,610 And finally [Gonville coughs] 474 00:20:28,743 --> 00:20:33,043 I leave my entire estate, my fortune 475 00:20:33,176 --> 00:20:37,510 and my freehold properties, both here and in London, to 476 00:20:39,343 --> 00:20:41,976 [angelic music] 477 00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:44,843 Jon Hamm. 478 00:20:46,176 --> 00:20:47,310 Jon Hamm. 479 00:20:47,443 --> 00:20:48,376 [Blair] What? 480 00:20:48,510 --> 00:20:49,376 [Gonville gasps] 481 00:20:49,510 --> 00:20:52,976 [Steven] No! No father, wait! 482 00:20:53,110 --> 00:20:55,376 Father, wake up father! 483 00:20:55,510 --> 00:20:58,510 Wake up! Oh dear God. 484 00:20:58,643 --> 00:21:00,576 I believe your father has passed. 485 00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:04,676 This is your doing, Toast. You bloody fool. 486 00:21:04,810 --> 00:21:06,910 Why did you bring Jon Hamm in here? 487 00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:10,443 Everyone knows about his charm and charisma. 488 00:21:10,576 --> 00:21:11,643 I'm going to kill you! 489 00:21:11,776 --> 00:21:13,976 [Steven cries out] 490 00:21:14,110 --> 00:21:16,110 Toast! 491 00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:17,410 [Steven cries out] 492 00:21:17,543 --> 00:21:18,176 [Steven clatters down the stairs] 493 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,143 Oh dear. 494 00:21:21,243 --> 00:21:22,110 Oh. 495 00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:27,410 Christ. 496 00:21:34,910 --> 00:21:36,110 Can someone get me a cab? 497 00:21:36,210 --> 00:21:37,843 I don't like being around dead people. 498 00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:43,010 Ah, good morning, Toast. You're back. 499 00:21:43,143 --> 00:21:43,910 Feeling any better? 500 00:21:44,110 --> 00:21:45,543 Much better, thanks. 501 00:21:45,676 --> 00:21:48,543 Possibly due to my brother Blair throwing me down 200 steps. 502 00:21:48,676 --> 00:21:50,476 Seems to have reset my head. 503 00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:51,843 Oh, just to warn you, Toast, 504 00:21:51,976 --> 00:21:53,643 I had to give the ladder back to Maureen Lipman. 505 00:21:53,776 --> 00:21:54,976 Really? 506 00:21:55,110 --> 00:21:56,310 So we're going to have to use this 507 00:21:56,443 --> 00:21:57,276 length of rope to get to our bedrooms. 508 00:21:57,410 --> 00:21:58,876 But isn't that Hywel Bennett's? 509 00:21:59,010 --> 00:22:00,543 Yes. I'm gonna have to give that back soon 510 00:22:00,676 --> 00:22:03,243 so he can tie his horsebox to his Lamborghini. 511 00:22:03,376 --> 00:22:04,576 Wait a moment, Toast. 512 00:22:04,710 --> 00:22:05,810 Shouldn't you be with your father? 513 00:22:05,943 --> 00:22:07,576 Too late, Ed. He's dead. 514 00:22:07,710 --> 00:22:10,210 Oh, I'm so sorry. How's Blair taking it? 515 00:22:10,343 --> 00:22:13,110 Not well. I've never seen a man so furious. 516 00:22:13,176 --> 00:22:14,710 Possibly due to the fact him not being left the castle 517 00:22:14,843 --> 00:22:17,176 or in fact, anything in the will. 518 00:22:17,310 --> 00:22:18,376 And who did he leave it to? 519 00:22:18,510 --> 00:22:19,510 Jon Hamm. 520 00:22:19,643 --> 00:22:21,543 Really? Well, he does have charm 521 00:22:21,676 --> 00:22:23,676 and the most enormous amount of charisma. 522 00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:25,743 So yes, I'm not at all surprised. 523 00:22:25,876 --> 00:22:28,776 Anyway, glad to have you back to normal. 524 00:22:30,576 --> 00:22:32,710 Ooh, she's just my type. 525 00:22:32,843 --> 00:22:35,776 Who's that slice of good beauty? 526 00:22:35,910 --> 00:22:38,776 It's a complete unknown called Pooky Hook. 527 00:22:38,910 --> 00:22:40,643 Has no stage or screen experience 528 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:43,510 and has landed a lead role in Star Wars. 529 00:22:43,643 --> 00:22:45,410 She mentions that she's a great fan of yours. 530 00:22:45,543 --> 00:22:46,943 Does she, now? 531 00:22:48,243 --> 00:22:50,110 Maybe you could give her some acting lessons. 532 00:22:50,210 --> 00:22:53,443 Maybe I could, maybe I could. 533 00:22:54,643 --> 00:22:56,643 She's a cracker, don't you think? 534 00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:58,176 Probably too young for you. 535 00:22:58,310 --> 00:23:01,410 [Ed and Steven laugh] 536 00:23:01,543 --> 00:23:04,510 [theme music plays]