1
00:00:00,803 --> 00:00:03,523
[bell chiming]

2
00:00:03,683 --> 00:00:04,803
Are you fucking deaf?

3
00:00:07,803 --> 00:00:10,123
I said, are you fucking deaf?

4
00:00:10,283 --> 00:00:12,843
If you are, then you may
be thinking of investing

5
00:00:13,003 --> 00:00:15,403
in a digital hearing aid.

6
00:00:15,563 --> 00:00:17,963
Audio Clear hearing
aids are discreet and...

7
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Is this for real?

8
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What's up, Steven?

9
00:00:21,083 --> 00:00:22,643
Well, there's swearing
in this advert.

10
00:00:22,803 --> 00:00:24,483
All kinds of effin' and jeffin'.

11
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Are you really allowed to
broadcast this on the radio?

12
00:00:26,803 --> 00:00:28,163
I mean, even Channel 4
doesn't have swearing

13
00:00:28,323 --> 00:00:29,243
in their adverts.

14
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Anything goes these days.

15
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It's the 21st
century, my friend.

16
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Oh, God, yeah. No taboos
left anywhere any more.

17
00:00:35,723 --> 00:00:36,723
Okay, let's crack on.

18
00:00:36,883 --> 00:00:38,403
Actually, I've gotta go,

19
00:00:38,563 --> 00:00:39,443
so I'll see you next
week, Steven, yeah?

20
00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:46,763
What the blazes is this ritual?

21
00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:55,643
[Danny imitates gunshot]

22
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Where's that clown off to?

23
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To see his therapist.

24
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His therapist?! Ha, that
doesn't surprise me.

25
00:01:01,283 --> 00:01:03,283
Danny's considering a
sex-change operation.

26
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A sex-change operation?

27
00:01:04,963 --> 00:01:06,363
Yeah, it's mostly
because he thinks

28
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his clothes will suit him
better if he's a woman.

29
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Just something he's been
mulling over for a while.

30
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[Steven snorts]

31
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Talking to a therapist about it.

32
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Well, I've heard everything.

33
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Sex-change operations,
swearing in adverts.

34
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These really are the
last days of Sodom.

35
00:01:20,363 --> 00:01:21,363
Try that line again
there, Steven?

36
00:01:21,523 --> 00:01:23,123
Yeah.

37
00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:25,203
Audio Clear hearing
aids are discreet

38
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and fit snugly into the ear.

39
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Check out our website
today for details.

40
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How the fuck was that?

41
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[gentle upbeat music]

42
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"Nuts." Do you remember?

43
00:02:01,883 --> 00:02:03,123
That musical you did about the,

44
00:02:03,283 --> 00:02:06,203
the horrors of mental illness.

45
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Ugh, probably the worst
production I've ever been in.

46
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Yes, you've been in more
than your fair share

47
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of bad productions.

48
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Yeah, Ray Purchase was in that.

49
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Played an out-of-control
schizophrenic called Magpie

50
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and used that as an excuse
to pinch everyone's fags.

51
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And I swore I'd never
work with him again.

52
00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:26,923
Yes, do you remember you
opened the trap door on stage

53
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and he fell right through?

54
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[laughs] Yes, he did!

55
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I will make my nest.
I will be happy.

56
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[door creaks]

57
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[audience gasps]

58
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Argh!

59
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People told me he'd broken
his back but he hadn't.

60
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Just his arm and his collarbone.

61
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[Steven laughs]

62
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Yes.

63
00:02:46,683 --> 00:02:48,403
Anyway, while I'm here,

64
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any news on my Dickie
Davies biopic audition?

65
00:02:51,443 --> 00:02:52,803
Dickie Davies audition.

66
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That was a no.

67
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A no? How can it be a no,
Jane? I look exactly like him.

68
00:03:00,403 --> 00:03:02,723
Ooh, now, this is
really big news!

69
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,443
The "Royal Variety Performance"
people have been on.

70
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They'd like you to
take part this year,

71
00:03:07,603 --> 00:03:09,763
in the newly reopened
Regency Theatre.

72
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,683
The Regency Theatre?

73
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Isn't that now a
Chicken Paradise?

74
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Yes, it was in a dreadful state,

75
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:18,283
but then a lot of
showbiz folk got together

76
00:03:18,443 --> 00:03:21,043
to buy it back and refurbish it.

77
00:03:21,203 --> 00:03:23,523
I'm not doing the "Royal
Variety Performance," Jane.

78
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All charity work is a complete
waste of time and money,

79
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and usually does
more harm than good.

80
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Remember Live Aid?

81
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They'd like you to perform

82
00:03:31,923 --> 00:03:36,683
the Amazing Egyptian Sand
Dance, made famous in the 1930s.

83
00:03:36,843 --> 00:03:39,443
The bloody Sand Dance? I've
not done that for years.

84
00:03:39,603 --> 00:03:41,403
[Jane laughs]

85
00:03:41,563 --> 00:03:44,963
Hold on a second, you need two
performers for that routine.

86
00:03:45,123 --> 00:03:47,963
Yes, so I suggested, erm...

87
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What, Ray bloody Purchase?

88
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I told you two seconds ago,

89
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I never wanted to
work with him again.

90
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Did you?

91
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Well, maybe not two seconds,

92
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but certainly in the
very recent past.

93
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Okay, okay, I shall demand
they don't ask Ray Purchase

94
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to perform with you.

95
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That'll be an
absolute nonstarter.

96
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,963
Ah, I'm not doing any
charity work, Jane,

97
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for anyone, ever.

98
00:04:07,843 --> 00:04:11,003
Oh, here's a thing, Kevin
Spacey will be there.

99
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Who?

100
00:04:12,163 --> 00:04:13,843
Kevin Spacey?

101
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,483
Major actor, director and
big player in Hollywood.

102
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He's become very immersed
in the whole London scene.

103
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Rumour has it he's
looking for someone

104
00:04:23,923 --> 00:04:25,723
to play the British
attache in the new series

105
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of the "House of Cards."

106
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I'll do it.

107
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This charity event, count me in.

108
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You've changed your tune, Toast.

109
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All a waste of time
and money a second ago.

110
00:04:35,363 --> 00:04:37,283
Obviously I know
who Kevin Spacey is.

111
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I just said "who"
to give me some time

112
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to think about the offer.

113
00:04:40,723 --> 00:04:41,643
British attache? Hmm!

114
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Yes, yes, "House of Cards,"
I'll be splendid in that.

115
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Ever seen it?

116
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No.

117
00:04:49,883 --> 00:04:51,523
Anyway, who's presenting

118
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at this "Royal
Variety Performance?"

119
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Bob Monkhouse.

120
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Isn't he dead?

121
00:04:56,443 --> 00:04:59,243
No! Why does everybody say that?

122
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Bob is very much alive.

123
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He just got remarried, in fact.

124
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Apparently his new
wife's a complete zombie.

125
00:05:05,563 --> 00:05:07,603
Anyway, I'll tell
them you're on board.

126
00:05:09,163 --> 00:05:10,483
India, Royal Variety,
patch me through.

127
00:05:13,323 --> 00:05:15,123
I hate the "Royal
Variety Performance,"

128
00:05:15,283 --> 00:05:17,123
but if Kevin Spacey
sees me in it,

129
00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:19,883
he's bound to cast me
as the British attache

130
00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:21,843
in the new series
of "House Of Cards."

131
00:05:24,323 --> 00:05:26,243
Sorry, Toast, I was
just reading a review

132
00:05:26,403 --> 00:05:29,203
of the revival of
"The Government
Inspector" at the Lyric.

133
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It's not very good.

134
00:05:31,843 --> 00:05:33,483
I was saying,

135
00:05:33,643 --> 00:05:35,283
I mean, I hate the "Royal
Variety Performance,"

136
00:05:35,443 --> 00:05:37,123
but if Kevin Spacey
sees me in it,

137
00:05:37,283 --> 00:05:39,883
he's bound to cast me
as the British attache.

138
00:05:42,683 --> 00:05:44,323
Sorry, Toast, I was
just reading a review

139
00:05:44,483 --> 00:05:47,523
of the revival of "Abigail's
Party" at the Young Vic.

140
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Not very good.

141
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:52,483
I was saying, I hate the
"Royal Variety Performance,"

142
00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:54,123
but if... Oh!

143
00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:55,643
Hang on, old chap,
I was reading that!

144
00:06:01,523 --> 00:06:03,363
[door creaks]

145
00:06:03,523 --> 00:06:04,163
Who the hell is that?

146
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,083
That'll be for me.

147
00:06:09,443 --> 00:06:10,443
[Delivery Man] Here's
your magazines, Ed.

148
00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:18,083
What is it, Ed?

149
00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:19,643
It's some copies
of "Woman's Realm."

150
00:06:19,803 --> 00:06:22,443
"Woman's Realm?" I didn't
think that was still going.

151
00:06:22,603 --> 00:06:24,123
It isn't, these
are vintage copies.

152
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,723
It's very hard to find.

153
00:06:25,883 --> 00:06:27,643
I'm a bit of a collector.

154
00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:30,323
Well, isn't it just knitting
patterns for old ladies?

155
00:06:30,483 --> 00:06:31,763
Oh, yes.

156
00:06:31,923 --> 00:06:34,323
Oh, God! Who delivered
them? John Nettles?

157
00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:35,923
No, he does Titbits.

158
00:06:36,083 --> 00:06:37,763
This is a chap
called Larry Muggins.

159
00:06:37,923 --> 00:06:38,963
Anything you want, he can find.

160
00:06:39,123 --> 00:06:40,283
Probably at a discount price.

161
00:06:40,443 --> 00:06:41,083
Really?

162
00:06:41,243 --> 00:06:42,843
Oh, yes.

163
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,563
Yes, anything from a rare
edition of a Ken Follett novel

164
00:06:44,723 --> 00:06:46,643
to a sex-change operation.

165
00:06:46,803 --> 00:06:47,683
Sex-change operation?!

166
00:06:47,843 --> 00:06:49,323
Oh, yes.

167
00:06:49,483 --> 00:06:51,483
Well, that idiot Danny
Bear at Scramble Studios

168
00:06:51,643 --> 00:06:54,083
was talking about getting
a sex-change operation.

169
00:06:54,243 --> 00:06:55,803
Reckoned it would
suit his clothes.

170
00:06:55,963 --> 00:06:58,683
Oh, this chap Muggins can
probably organise it for him.

171
00:06:58,843 --> 00:07:00,843
And there's likely to be a
queue for the op at the NHS.

172
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:02,163
I can put in a
word, if you like?

173
00:07:02,323 --> 00:07:03,763
Well, you know, why not?

174
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,523
It's no odds to me.

175
00:07:05,683 --> 00:07:07,643
So, who's hosting the
"Royal Variety Performance"

176
00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:08,683
this year?

177
00:07:08,843 --> 00:07:09,883
Bob Monkhouse.

178
00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:11,363
Bob Monkhouse?!

179
00:07:11,523 --> 00:07:13,483
Thanks for coming, old chap.

180
00:07:13,643 --> 00:07:15,483
With a name like Toast,
I thought you'd pop up.

181
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:16,843
[group laughs]

182
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,403
Glad you decided
to become involved.

183
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:21,643
Jane said you don't usually
do any charity work.

184
00:07:21,803 --> 00:07:23,283
Not true at all.

185
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,803
You're thinking
of Dickie Davies.

186
00:07:26,683 --> 00:07:29,563
Weather's been very warm,
hasn't it? Especially at nights.

187
00:07:29,723 --> 00:07:31,683
These days, I love
to sleep in the nude.

188
00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:33,403
Not a bad thing,

189
00:07:33,563 --> 00:07:35,803
except of course on those
really long flights.

190
00:07:35,963 --> 00:07:37,403
[group laughs]

191
00:07:37,563 --> 00:07:38,763
What?

192
00:07:38,923 --> 00:07:40,163
Anyway, meet the
organising committee

193
00:07:40,323 --> 00:07:41,203
before we go down
to the theatre.

194
00:07:41,363 --> 00:07:42,403
Hello, Dennis Fog.

195
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:43,323
Dense Fog?

196
00:07:43,483 --> 00:07:44,803
No, Dennis Fog.

197
00:07:44,963 --> 00:07:45,883
Sorry, nice to meet you.

198
00:07:46,043 --> 00:07:47,603
Hello, Derek Bildings.

199
00:07:47,763 --> 00:07:49,043
Derelict Buildings?

200
00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,603
No, Derek Bildings.

201
00:07:50,763 --> 00:07:51,923
Sorry, nice to meet you.

202
00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:53,843
Hello, er, Shane Fulorgy.

203
00:07:54,003 --> 00:07:55,003
Shameful Orgy?

204
00:07:55,163 --> 00:07:56,403
Shane Fulorgy.

205
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,283
Sorry, nice to meet you.

206
00:07:58,443 --> 00:07:59,883
I never wanted to believe my dad

207
00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:02,323
was stealing from his
job as a road worker,

208
00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,563
but when I got home all
the signs were there!

209
00:08:04,723 --> 00:08:07,203
[group laughs]

210
00:08:07,363 --> 00:08:09,403
Anyway, I just wanna say, er,

211
00:08:09,563 --> 00:08:11,323
how it warms my heart
that so many top turns

212
00:08:11,483 --> 00:08:13,243
are willing to give
their time to charity.

213
00:08:15,683 --> 00:08:17,723
Ray bloody Purchase.

214
00:08:17,883 --> 00:08:22,323
Well, well, well, if
it isn't Steven Toast.

215
00:08:22,483 --> 00:08:25,603
Tell us more about your
substantial charity work, Toast.

216
00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:26,843
I'd love to hear about it.

217
00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:28,643
I specifically told Jane

218
00:08:28,803 --> 00:08:30,683
I never wanted to
work with you again.

219
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:33,443
Well, tough tit, Toast.

220
00:08:33,603 --> 00:08:35,563
Steven Toast, everyone.

221
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:37,123
He'll buy you a
pint with one hand

222
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:38,683
and sleep with your
wife with the other.

223
00:08:38,843 --> 00:08:40,923
Why don't you shut
up and sit down?

224
00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:42,403
Here's a thing I've noticed.

225
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,443
People seem to think
I come from Kent.

226
00:08:44,603 --> 00:08:46,683
I hear them mutter the
word as I walk past!

227
00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:48,203
[group laughs]

228
00:08:48,363 --> 00:08:49,643
What?

229
00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:50,883
I'm really looking
forward to this.

230
00:08:51,043 --> 00:08:51,803
You know Kevin Spacey's
gonna be there?

231
00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:53,003
I didn't know that.

232
00:08:53,163 --> 00:08:54,803
Yes, you did.

233
00:08:54,963 --> 00:08:57,203
I know for a fact that Jane
Plough told you about it.

234
00:08:57,363 --> 00:08:59,843
She texted me, she e-mailed
me, she wrote me a postcard,

235
00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:01,403
she told me to my face
that she definitely,

236
00:09:01,563 --> 00:09:03,203
definitely told you about it.

237
00:09:03,363 --> 00:09:06,203
Did she? Well, I
must have forgotten.

238
00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:07,923
And we've just
heard this morning

239
00:09:08,083 --> 00:09:10,443
that Prince Charles and
his delightful wife,

240
00:09:10,603 --> 00:09:13,243
Camilla Parker Bowles,
are also coming along.

241
00:09:13,403 --> 00:09:15,003
Now, I think it would
be a terrific idea

242
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:17,123
to present them with a
souvenir of the occasion.

243
00:09:17,283 --> 00:09:19,083
Who wants to look after that?

244
00:09:19,243 --> 00:09:21,963
I think Toast
should be in charge

245
00:09:22,123 --> 00:09:24,043
of securing the gift
for the royal couple.

246
00:09:24,203 --> 00:09:24,843
Really?

247
00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:27,003
Yes, great idea.

248
00:09:27,163 --> 00:09:29,723
Talking of royals, do
you know what happened

249
00:09:29,883 --> 00:09:31,443
during Kate Middleton's
wedding night?

250
00:09:31,603 --> 00:09:32,443
No.

251
00:09:32,603 --> 00:09:33,683
She was held against her Will.

252
00:09:33,843 --> 00:09:35,443
[group laughs]

253
00:09:35,603 --> 00:09:36,523
What?

254
00:09:36,683 --> 00:09:37,923
Gosh, is that the time?

255
00:09:38,083 --> 00:09:39,963
We need to get down to
the stage to rehearse.

256
00:09:40,123 --> 00:09:43,363
Right, chaps, we'll take the
lift, there's too many stairs.

257
00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:44,523
Come along, darling.

258
00:09:50,403 --> 00:09:53,523
[group chatter faintly]

259
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:58,203
[woman snarls]

260
00:10:03,363 --> 00:10:06,763
[Steven exhales nervously]

261
00:10:07,843 --> 00:10:10,443
[Steven grunts]

262
00:10:18,603 --> 00:10:21,363
Sorry, Mrs. P, I can't
get Bob Monkhouse's

263
00:10:21,523 --> 00:10:23,683
zombie wife's face
out of my head.

264
00:10:23,843 --> 00:10:25,963
I thought Bob
Monkhouse was dead?

265
00:10:26,123 --> 00:10:29,923
No, he's very much
alive, as is his wife.

266
00:10:30,083 --> 00:10:31,843
Well, technically she's dead.

267
00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:34,203
Living dead, surely?

268
00:10:34,363 --> 00:10:37,523
Anyway, Monkhouse did
a very strange thing.

269
00:10:37,683 --> 00:10:39,043
He kept telling these stories

270
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:41,443
that were unconnected
to anything

271
00:10:41,603 --> 00:10:42,843
and then everyone would laugh.

272
00:10:43,003 --> 00:10:45,083
Well, they're probably jokes.

273
00:10:45,243 --> 00:10:46,963
Jokes?!

274
00:10:47,123 --> 00:10:49,523
Yes, Monkhouse is famous for
telling jokes all the time.

275
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:50,843
[Steven scoffs]

276
00:10:51,003 --> 00:10:52,443
[whooshing on screen]

277
00:10:52,603 --> 00:10:54,163
What are you doing, Mrs. P?

278
00:10:54,323 --> 00:10:55,643
Oh, it's my new job.

279
00:10:55,803 --> 00:10:57,443
You've got a job? [laughs]

280
00:10:57,603 --> 00:10:58,243
[computer beeping]

281
00:10:58,403 --> 00:10:59,643
What the hell is it?

282
00:10:59,803 --> 00:11:01,443
Operating drones
for the US military.

283
00:11:01,603 --> 00:11:02,443
Really?

284
00:11:02,603 --> 00:11:03,803
Yes.

285
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:04,763
You know, it's perfect
for me, actually,

286
00:11:04,923 --> 00:11:06,563
because I can work from home.

287
00:11:06,723 --> 00:11:08,083
Do you know, depending on
how many missiles I launch,

288
00:11:08,243 --> 00:11:10,043
I can earn up to 30 quid a day.

289
00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:13,523
-Drones for the US military?
-Mm-hm.

290
00:11:13,683 --> 00:11:14,603
[doorbell rings]

291
00:11:14,763 --> 00:11:16,003
Oh, I'd better get that.

292
00:11:16,163 --> 00:11:17,883
Do you want a go?
It's very easy.

293
00:11:18,043 --> 00:11:19,603
You just move this cursor,

294
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,963
then when you select your
target, you press this key here.

295
00:11:22,123 --> 00:11:22,923
Right.

296
00:11:24,163 --> 00:11:25,803
Oh, and only blow up the houses

297
00:11:25,963 --> 00:11:27,123
on the left-hand
side of the road,

298
00:11:27,283 --> 00:11:28,203
not the houses on the right.

299
00:11:28,363 --> 00:11:29,083
Gotcha.

300
00:11:29,243 --> 00:11:31,643
[computer beeping]

301
00:11:31,803 --> 00:11:32,883
Direct hit!

302
00:11:33,043 --> 00:11:34,683
[beeping and
whooshing on computer]

303
00:11:34,843 --> 00:11:36,123
And another.

304
00:11:36,283 --> 00:11:38,683
I'm very good at this,
if I don't mind saying.

305
00:11:38,843 --> 00:11:40,883
Oh, hope there was nobody home!

306
00:11:42,323 --> 00:11:43,523
Having fun?

307
00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:44,843
Yes, it's quite
addictive, isn't it?

308
00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:46,123
[Mrs. P] Mm.

309
00:11:46,283 --> 00:11:47,363
[beeping and
whooshing on screen]

310
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:48,363
Oh.

311
00:11:48,523 --> 00:11:50,083
What?

312
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,123
Did I say blow up the houses
on the left-hand side?

313
00:11:52,283 --> 00:11:53,763
Yes.

314
00:11:53,923 --> 00:11:56,363
I meant the houses on the right.

315
00:11:56,523 --> 00:11:58,843
Well, I've blown a hell
of a lot up on the left.

316
00:12:00,323 --> 00:12:02,403
Oh, well, it'll
probably be fine.

317
00:12:03,643 --> 00:12:04,723
I imagine no one will notice.

318
00:12:04,883 --> 00:12:05,683
No.

319
00:12:06,883 --> 00:12:07,763
Oh!

320
00:12:07,923 --> 00:12:08,483
[Both] Oh, ho-ho-ho!

321
00:12:11,763 --> 00:12:13,203
Which one of you lads is
looking for a sex change?

322
00:12:13,363 --> 00:12:14,203
You, is it?

323
00:12:14,363 --> 00:12:15,043
No.

324
00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:16,283
It's me, actually.

325
00:12:16,443 --> 00:12:17,163
What's your budget?

326
00:12:19,123 --> 00:12:20,523
How much do you
wanna spend on it?

327
00:12:20,683 --> 00:12:21,803
Well, it's quite serious,
a sex-change operation.

328
00:12:21,963 --> 00:12:22,763
I mean, it's not really
the type of thing

329
00:12:22,923 --> 00:12:23,883
you can cut corners on.

330
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:26,323
So what are you looking at?

331
00:12:26,483 --> 00:12:27,763
Well, I got a quote
from an established,

332
00:12:27,923 --> 00:12:30,163
specialist surgeon,
4,000 pounds.

333
00:12:30,323 --> 00:12:33,723
Jesus, 4,000 pounds
for a sex change?

334
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:35,603
Sure, I do more or less
the same thing for 50 quid.

335
00:12:35,763 --> 00:12:37,603
50 quid?

336
00:12:37,763 --> 00:12:39,483
All I need's a level surface
and a bucket for drainage.

337
00:12:39,643 --> 00:12:42,483
And I'll throw in for free
disposal of body parts.

338
00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:44,523
Right, well, as I say,
it's quite a big operation,

339
00:12:44,683 --> 00:12:46,443
so I'm gonna need to know
everything's all above board.

340
00:12:46,603 --> 00:12:47,803
There's a full
guarantee going with it.

341
00:12:47,963 --> 00:12:49,003
Oh.

342
00:12:49,163 --> 00:12:50,603
And 50 quid, no hidden charges.

343
00:12:50,763 --> 00:12:53,723
Honestly, you'd be mad to
spend 4,000 on a sex change.

344
00:12:53,883 --> 00:12:55,843
All those twisters
in Harley Street,

345
00:12:56,003 --> 00:12:58,523
ripping off naive transgenders.

346
00:12:58,683 --> 00:13:00,243
For that amount of cash, we
could change you into a llama.

347
00:13:00,403 --> 00:13:04,763
Are you serious,
a full sex-change
operation for 50 quid?

348
00:13:04,923 --> 00:13:09,163
Yeah. Unless you want to
pay the VAT on top of it!

349
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:13,443
All right. Okay, yes!

350
00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:15,003
Hope I don't live
to regret this!

351
00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:17,603
Can we start now?

352
00:13:24,123 --> 00:13:25,243
How are you feeling, Danny?

353
00:13:25,403 --> 00:13:26,763
Well, I'm a bit
nervous, to be honest.

354
00:13:26,923 --> 00:13:28,403
You never had a sex-change
operation before, huh?

355
00:13:28,563 --> 00:13:30,203
Er, no.

356
00:13:30,363 --> 00:13:31,683
Ah, you've nothing
to worry about.

357
00:13:36,443 --> 00:13:37,603
So what's in this plastic bag?

358
00:13:37,763 --> 00:13:38,923
A pair of tits.

359
00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:40,563
Ah, yes, very interesting.

360
00:13:41,643 --> 00:13:42,443
What are you doing here?

361
00:13:42,603 --> 00:13:44,403
I'm the intermediary, Larry.

362
00:13:44,563 --> 00:13:47,363
Instrumental in bringing
both parties together.

363
00:13:47,523 --> 00:13:49,043
You don't mind if I
stay and watch, do you?

364
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,323
It'll cost you a tenner.

365
00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:53,363
Okay.

366
00:13:53,523 --> 00:13:54,963
Look, I'm really not
sure about all this.

367
00:13:55,123 --> 00:13:56,483
Having cold feet,
are you, Danny?

368
00:13:56,643 --> 00:13:58,243
Well, you should have
said something before now,

369
00:13:58,403 --> 00:13:59,843
instead of leaving it to
Muggins here to sort out!

370
00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:00,843
Do you know what? I think
I'm gonna give it a miss.

371
00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:02,603
What?

372
00:14:02,763 --> 00:14:04,323
The operation. I think
I'm gonna give it a miss.

373
00:14:04,483 --> 00:14:05,163
Is it because you don't
want to lose the moustache?

374
00:14:05,323 --> 00:14:06,483
We could probably keep that.

375
00:14:06,643 --> 00:14:07,723
That Eurovision
winner looked great

376
00:14:07,883 --> 00:14:08,923
and she had a full beard.

377
00:14:10,643 --> 00:14:12,243
Look, sorry, do you know
what? I've changed my mind.

378
00:14:12,403 --> 00:14:13,723
I went for a budget option
and I really should have

379
00:14:13,883 --> 00:14:15,363
gone through a more
traditional medical route,

380
00:14:15,523 --> 00:14:17,643
like with a proper surgeon
and, you know, hospital.

381
00:14:19,123 --> 00:14:20,283
Well, it's no skin off my nose,

382
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:21,563
but I'm gonna have
to keep the 50 squid.

383
00:14:21,723 --> 00:14:22,763
Yep, okay, fine.

384
00:14:22,923 --> 00:14:24,083
You can keep the pair of tits.

385
00:14:24,243 --> 00:14:24,843
Well, I don't think I'm
gonna need them now.

386
00:14:25,003 --> 00:14:27,883
Er, can I have them?

387
00:14:28,043 --> 00:14:29,003
[Steven scoffs]

388
00:14:29,163 --> 00:14:31,883
[whimsical music]

389
00:14:37,363 --> 00:14:38,163
Ah!

390
00:14:42,963 --> 00:14:43,803
Enjoying yourself, Ed?

391
00:14:45,523 --> 00:14:46,323
Yes.

392
00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:50,603
Yes. So, the "Royal
Variety Performance," huh?

393
00:14:52,603 --> 00:14:53,963
I'm looking forward to it and
I'll tune in. Are you nervous?

394
00:14:54,123 --> 00:14:56,763
Nah, who cares? It's
a charity event.

395
00:14:56,923 --> 00:14:59,563
All I know is that when Kevin
Spacey sees my Sand Dance,

396
00:14:59,723 --> 00:15:01,403
he'll be so impressed,

397
00:15:01,563 --> 00:15:03,883
he's bound to offer me the
"House of Cards" attache.

398
00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:05,283
Well, best of luck with that.

399
00:15:05,443 --> 00:15:06,403
Downside is, I have
to share the stage

400
00:15:06,563 --> 00:15:08,123
with Ray bloody Purchase again.

401
00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,083
Well, I hope he doesn't fall

402
00:15:09,243 --> 00:15:10,243
through the trap door this time.

403
00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:12,403
[both laugh]

404
00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:14,843
Did you manage to look
at those plastic tits?

405
00:15:15,003 --> 00:15:16,563
Yes, yes, I did.

406
00:15:17,843 --> 00:15:19,963
You see, I don't
know how Muggins

407
00:15:20,123 --> 00:15:21,443
would have grafted
these onto your friend

408
00:15:21,603 --> 00:15:23,763
without a severe risk
of blood poisoning.

409
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,803
Paul Gascoigne used to
wear these the whole time.

410
00:15:25,963 --> 00:15:27,083
It's very disappointing.

411
00:15:28,723 --> 00:15:30,363
Well, what the hell
were you expecting?

412
00:15:30,523 --> 00:15:32,963
Oh, I dunno. Something
a bit less tacky.

413
00:15:33,123 --> 00:15:35,443
Something a bit more,
you know, va-va-voom.

414
00:15:35,603 --> 00:15:37,163
[Steven scoffs]

415
00:15:37,323 --> 00:15:38,883
You are very peculiar, Ed.

416
00:15:39,043 --> 00:15:40,003
You can have them if you want.

417
00:15:40,163 --> 00:15:43,603
I don't want them. Unless...

418
00:15:43,763 --> 00:15:45,403
[Ed] Unless what?

419
00:15:45,563 --> 00:15:47,323
Well, Tom Jones has just
been added to the bill

420
00:15:47,483 --> 00:15:49,323
at the "Royal
Variety Performance."

421
00:15:49,483 --> 00:15:50,963
A pair of plastic tits may be

422
00:15:51,123 --> 00:15:52,643
just the kind of
thing he'd like.

423
00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:54,643
Yes, good thinking!

424
00:15:54,803 --> 00:15:56,763
Tom Jones would love a pair
of comedy plastic tits.

425
00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:57,923
I think he would.

426
00:15:58,923 --> 00:15:59,843
Right, I'm off.

427
00:16:01,403 --> 00:16:02,963
If I were you, I'd
find another lodger,

428
00:16:03,123 --> 00:16:07,043
as I say goodbye, Ed,
hello, "House of Cards."

429
00:16:08,683 --> 00:16:12,923
♪ You're so deluded,
Toast, it makes me sad ♪

430
00:16:14,923 --> 00:16:18,243
♪ You'll never get the
break that you want so bad ♪

431
00:16:20,243 --> 00:16:21,043
What?!

432
00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:26,123
♪ How dare you ♪

433
00:16:26,283 --> 00:16:28,883
♪ My friend ♪

434
00:16:29,043 --> 00:16:33,963
♪ Pity me when I know ♪

435
00:16:34,843 --> 00:16:36,763
♪ I'm a joke ♪

436
00:16:36,923 --> 00:16:39,843
♪ I'll suffer scorn ♪

437
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:44,323
♪ And I'll wear this
crown of thorns ♪

438
00:16:44,483 --> 00:16:47,683
♪ It is clear ♪

439
00:16:47,843 --> 00:16:50,363
♪ That I'll die ♪

440
00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:55,203
♪ Having lived inside a lie ♪

441
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:57,803
♪ It's true ♪

442
00:17:02,843 --> 00:17:06,163
Look, Toast, you need to bring
your A game to the table.

443
00:17:06,323 --> 00:17:08,323
We're not doing the
conga or the Agadoo.

444
00:17:08,483 --> 00:17:09,923
This is the Sand Dance!

445
00:17:10,083 --> 00:17:11,603
There's 100 years
of musical history

446
00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:14,163
and I'm not gonna let
you piss about with it!

447
00:17:14,323 --> 00:17:15,763
Who cares?

448
00:17:15,923 --> 00:17:16,843
Who cares?

449
00:17:17,883 --> 00:17:21,203
I care! Monkhouse cares!

450
00:17:21,363 --> 00:17:22,683
Well, I think your Sand Dance

451
00:17:22,843 --> 00:17:24,923
is gonna be sensational, chaps.

452
00:17:25,083 --> 00:17:26,643
The old ones really
are the best.

453
00:17:26,803 --> 00:17:28,203
Talking of old ones, fellas,

454
00:17:28,363 --> 00:17:30,923
do you know I still
enjoy sex at 74?

455
00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:32,643
I live at 76, it's no distance.

456
00:17:32,803 --> 00:17:35,763
[Ray laughs]

457
00:17:35,923 --> 00:17:36,723
What?

458
00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:37,683
[audience applauds]

459
00:17:37,843 --> 00:17:40,083
[jaunty music]

460
00:19:08,043 --> 00:19:10,963
[audience applauds]

461
00:19:15,083 --> 00:19:16,683
That's marvellous!

462
00:19:16,843 --> 00:19:19,283
The terrific Ray Purchase,
there, and Steven Toast.

463
00:19:19,443 --> 00:19:20,723
Now, we're very lucky to welcome

464
00:19:20,883 --> 00:19:22,283
some very special
guests here tonight.

465
00:19:22,443 --> 00:19:24,083
His Royal Highness,
the Prince of Wales

466
00:19:24,243 --> 00:19:25,683
and the Duchess of Cornwall.

467
00:19:25,843 --> 00:19:29,123
[audience applauds]

468
00:19:29,283 --> 00:19:30,963
What did you get
Charles and Camilla?

469
00:19:31,123 --> 00:19:32,763
What?

470
00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:34,483
What did you get
Charles and Camilla?

471
00:19:34,643 --> 00:19:36,523
You were supposed to give
them a gift, remember?

472
00:19:36,683 --> 00:19:37,243
Oh, shit.

473
00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:40,843
You forgot, didn't
you? You bloody idiot!

474
00:19:41,003 --> 00:19:44,483
Well done, Toast, terrific
work, very moving.

475
00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:47,043
I got a real sense of Egypt.

476
00:19:47,203 --> 00:19:48,363
Did you see Spacey?

477
00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:49,883
Yes, he was in the
middle of the front row.

478
00:19:50,043 --> 00:19:51,283
I was sitting right behind him.

479
00:19:51,443 --> 00:19:52,723
He was clapping all
the way through.

480
00:19:52,883 --> 00:19:53,763
[Steven laughs]

481
00:19:53,923 --> 00:19:55,203
Hollywood, here I come!

482
00:19:55,363 --> 00:19:56,563
[Ray snarls]

483
00:19:56,723 --> 00:19:58,563
Ah, Toast. The royal
couple are almost here.

484
00:19:58,723 --> 00:20:00,523
Did you get them a present?

485
00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:01,963
I hope you didn't forget.

486
00:20:02,123 --> 00:20:04,083
He did forget, because
he's a complete cunt!

487
00:20:04,243 --> 00:20:05,163
Mind the language, Purchase.

488
00:20:05,323 --> 00:20:06,163
Sorry, Bob.

489
00:20:06,323 --> 00:20:07,723
This is bloody serious, Toast!

490
00:20:07,883 --> 00:20:10,003
Sometimes the
joking has to stop!

491
00:20:10,163 --> 00:20:12,683
Ah, your Royal Highnesses,
this is Steven Toast.

492
00:20:12,843 --> 00:20:14,443
[Charles] Ah, Toast.

493
00:20:14,603 --> 00:20:15,923
He has a gift for you,
which he'd like to present

494
00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:18,683
on behalf of the Friends
of the Regency Theatre.

495
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:21,683
[Charles] Oh.

496
00:20:21,843 --> 00:20:24,283
[bag rustling]

497
00:20:33,243 --> 00:20:34,243
[group gasps]

498
00:20:34,403 --> 00:20:35,523
A pair of tits!

499
00:20:35,683 --> 00:20:36,443
A pair of tits.

500
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:37,763
A pair of tits?

501
00:20:37,923 --> 00:20:39,483
They're not real tits, though.

502
00:20:39,643 --> 00:20:41,843
They're just plastic ones, like
Paul Gascoigne used to wear.

503
00:20:43,683 --> 00:20:45,883
[man coughs]

504
00:20:50,523 --> 00:20:52,763
Er, a man went to the
doctor for a checkup.

505
00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:54,363
The doctor says, "I
have some very bad news,

506
00:20:54,523 --> 00:20:55,523
you're going to die."

507
00:20:55,683 --> 00:20:56,883
God.

508
00:20:57,043 --> 00:20:57,883
The man says, "How
long am I gonna live?"

509
00:20:58,043 --> 00:20:59,323
The doctor said, "Ten."

510
00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:01,723
The man said, "What,
months, weeks?"

511
00:21:01,883 --> 00:21:05,763
The doctor said, "No,
nine, eight, seven..."

512
00:21:05,923 --> 00:21:06,643
Argh!

513
00:21:06,803 --> 00:21:08,443
Monkhouse!

514
00:21:08,603 --> 00:21:09,243
Toast!

515
00:21:09,403 --> 00:21:10,163
[Steven] Ha!

516
00:21:12,843 --> 00:21:15,083
Oh, whose are these?

517
00:21:15,243 --> 00:21:16,923
Bloody hilarious, man!

518
00:21:17,083 --> 00:21:18,163
What do you think, Charlie?

519
00:21:22,043 --> 00:21:25,683
Really unwise of you, Toast,
to open that trap door.

520
00:21:25,843 --> 00:21:29,043
Bob is dead, rather
like his zombie wife.

521
00:21:29,203 --> 00:21:31,003
So is Bob Monkhouse
now a zombie?

522
00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:34,003
This is no time to discuss
whether Bob Monkhouse

523
00:21:34,163 --> 00:21:36,483
is now a zombie like his wife.

524
00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:38,203
You can kiss
goodbye to any ideas

525
00:21:38,363 --> 00:21:41,163
of an MBE or CBE
after your name.

526
00:21:41,323 --> 00:21:44,763
DOA, more likely, and as
for a knighthood, huh!

527
00:21:44,923 --> 00:21:46,803
But Kevin Spacey,
what about him?

528
00:21:46,963 --> 00:21:47,843
I mean, he loved my performance.

529
00:21:48,003 --> 00:21:48,763
Any word?

530
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:52,163
Kevin Spacey, Jane!

531
00:21:54,163 --> 00:21:56,243
Oh, I may have made a slight
error on that one, Toast.

532
00:21:56,403 --> 00:21:57,163
Oh, God.

533
00:21:58,363 --> 00:21:59,283
What?!

534
00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:01,123
Well, you know I said I was

535
00:22:01,283 --> 00:22:02,643
sitting behind him
in the theatre?

536
00:22:02,803 --> 00:22:04,043
[Steven] Yes, you
were sat behind him

537
00:22:04,203 --> 00:22:05,883
while he was adoring
my performance, and?

538
00:22:06,043 --> 00:22:08,043
[Jane] Well, I presumed
it was Kevin Spacey,

539
00:22:08,203 --> 00:22:09,723
but I subsequently discovered

540
00:22:09,883 --> 00:22:13,043
it was actually the
comedian Bob Mortimer.

541
00:22:13,203 --> 00:22:14,363
[Steven] Who?

542
00:22:14,523 --> 00:22:16,083
Bob Mortimer?

543
00:22:16,243 --> 00:22:19,643
He does look very like Spacey,
especially from behind.

544
00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:23,443
[Steven growls]

545
00:22:24,763 --> 00:22:27,683
[lullaby music plays]

546
00:22:38,323 --> 00:22:39,083
Better?

547
00:22:40,363 --> 00:22:42,163
So what the shit
happened with Spacey?

548
00:22:42,323 --> 00:22:43,923
Well, apparently he
went to Afghanistan

549
00:22:44,083 --> 00:22:45,923
on a humanitarian mission.

550
00:22:46,083 --> 00:22:48,243
Unlike you, he does a
lot of work for charity.

551
00:22:48,403 --> 00:22:50,803
So he was visiting
some good Afghans

552
00:22:50,963 --> 00:22:52,443
who live on the left-hand
side of the road...

553
00:22:52,603 --> 00:22:55,043
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

554
00:22:55,203 --> 00:22:57,083
As opposed to Afghans that live

555
00:22:57,243 --> 00:22:58,803
on the right-hand
side of the road?

556
00:22:58,963 --> 00:23:00,083
Oh, the bad Afghans live

557
00:23:00,243 --> 00:23:01,883
on the right-hand
side of the road.

558
00:23:02,043 --> 00:23:03,243
I see.

559
00:23:03,403 --> 00:23:05,963
Anyway, nobody's heard
from him in days.

560
00:23:06,123 --> 00:23:07,763
I do hope he turns up again.

561
00:23:07,923 --> 00:23:10,443
[door bangs shut]

562
00:23:10,603 --> 00:23:11,563
Toast.

563
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,203
[upbeat music]

564
00:23:19,123 --> 00:23:21,483
♪ So take my hand ♪

565
00:23:21,643 --> 00:23:25,243
♪ We'll disappear
to above the sun ♪

566
00:23:25,403 --> 00:23:27,043
♪ To far from here ♪

567
00:23:27,203 --> 00:23:30,923
♪ Though I don't know you
and you don't know me ♪

568
00:23:31,083 --> 00:23:34,923
♪ I just had to talk
to you, you see ♪

569
00:23:35,083 --> 00:23:37,603
♪ So take my hand ♪