[xylophone jingle]
Stand and deliver coachman!
Hand me that musket or I'll blow your brains out.
Very well, coachman.
You were warned.
Now prepare to meet thy maker.
Bang.
Lord Walford, I'll give you three seconds
to open the carriage door, or I'll smash the glass.
Sma--
Smash!
I warned you, Lord Walford!
Whack!
[Producer] That's great, Ray.
Thanks, Danny.
Why am I doing sound effects?
Just following the client's instructions.
Here we go.
One minute into the job, Toast starts complaining.
You've got a script.
Quit your belly aching and be professional.
Fuck off.
It's just me saying the words.
Oh, Steven. I'm Clem Fandango.
I know who you are.
It's just me saying the words. Why?
Well, in the script, it's indicated at various places.
So for instance, yeah, during the robbery,
we need the sound of a bang.
Well then use the sound of a real gunshot.
Not just me saying "bang".
And later on here, it says "honk".
Sound of a horn, yeah.
Well, honk doesn't sound like a horn.
It just sounds like a fella going, "Honk!"
Might have something to help you there.
[door handle clicks]
Good call, Danny.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Alright Steven, in your own time.
In your own time.
[bulb horn faintly honks]
That's great, Steven.
[bulb horn faintly honks]
And keep going.
[bulb horn honks repeatedly]
[laid back theme music]
Ah, Ormond.
How are you?
[Ormond chuckles]
Mighty glad to be getting out of this place,
I can tell you, Ed.
Ah, Toast, you're here too.
All right, old chap. Are you ready?
[car door slams]
Thanks for collecting me, you two loyal friends,
loyal friends.
We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat
in a couple of hours.
Terrific.
[car engine fires up]
I wonder if we might just stop off down the road.
There's a delightful looking old country pub
that I saw from the ambulance on the way here.
Is that wise, Ormond?
You've just spent three months
in rehab for chronic alcoholism.
Oh, nonsense.
I'm completely cured now.
One little snifter's hardly gonna make any difference.
[Ormond chuckles]
What do you think, Toast?
All right, but just the one, though.
[quaint upbeat music]
What the hell do you know about the theatre?
I was drilling the boards and powdering my face,
when your mother was powdering your arse.
[quaint upbeat music]
Bit of a slipper.
Ah, Ormond. How are you?
Well, mightily glad to be out of this place, Ed,
I can tell you.
[car door slams]
Thanks for collecting me, you two loyal friends,
loyal friends.
We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat
in a couple of hours.
I wonder if we might just stop off--
Oh, remember what happened last time, Ormond.
We went to that pub.
You got wildly drunk.
And we had to immediately drop you off back in rehab.
[Ormond scoffs]
Come on, boys.
It's hardly likely to happen again, is it?
-[drum roll] -[car door slams]
Have I seen Shopping and Fucking?
Somebody actually called their play Shopping and Fuck--
We are teetering on the Eve of Sodom,
and you tell me that this is progress?
[quaint upbeat music]
Honestly, Toast.
I gave you strict, simple instructions to take him home.
But no, you had the great idea
of transporting a recovering alcoholic
straight from rehab to the pub,
seven times.
Jane, you don't know how persuasive he can be.
"Just the one," he said.
They all say that, you cretin.
This always happens when he's not working.
Luckily, when he comes out in three months time,
I've got him a job in Man of Sex at the Playhouse.
Man of Sex,
isn't that the play I'm doing with
Ray bloody Purchase?
Yes, and you both can keep an eye on Ormond
and make sure he stays off the sauce.
Well, luckily he's hardly in it.
Ah, yes.
Why did you say "Ah, yes"
to me like that, Jane?
Sorry. I should have been looking for a piece of paper
on my desk, shouldn't I?
Now. Ah, yes.
Well, what is it?
Well, this might interest you.
Your ex-wife Ellen.
My ex-wife Ellen.
She's about to publish a book.
What kind of book? Is it fiction?
Jilly Cooper type of thing?
No, not fiction. Autobiography, I imagine.
Oh, god.
Obviously, you were married to her for 12 years.
Anything we need to be worried about?
Any skeletons in your cupboard she's likely to uncover?
Well, she's bound to mention me a lot,
and it won't be entirely flattering.
When did you last see her?
About a year ago.
No, Ellen. If you wanna gain entrance to the house,
you'll have to go through your lawyers.
-[steamroller rumbles] -Outta my way, Toast.
No Ellen, I'm standing firm.
Don't ever tell me what to do.
[Toast squelches and crunches]
-Oh! -[Toast groans]
[Ellen laughs]
Funny, funny stuff.
No it wasn't, Jane.
I was in tremendous pain.
Anyway, I'm off up the hill to Bedfordshire, literally.
Bedfordshire.
Isn't that where your new girlfriend lives?
Yes, it is.
The drummer lady.
Varrity Map.
She happens to be a doctor of drumming.
I didn't know you could be a doctor of drumming.
Well, you can, if you're very good at the drumming.
Fascinating.
It is fascinating.
I'm gonna see her gaff for the first time.
She's promised to cook for me.
Lucky Toast.
[Toast grunts and blows]
[rock jingle]
[intense drumming]
[door knocking]
-[rhythmic drumming] -[door knocking]
[intense drumming]
[doorbell rings]
[tubular bells chime]
[cheery ringtone]
[xylophone mimics ringtone]
[drum roll]
[tapping on cowbells]
-[knocking on window] -[cowbells clanging]
[wind chime jingles]
Ah, Toast.
There you are.
Come in. It's open.
[drum roll]
Welcome to chez moi.
There's quite a lot of drums, Varrity.
Yes. Well, I'm rehearsing a piece
for the symphony orchestra,
so I'm very much in the zone.
So what do you wanna do?
Well, I'm starving.
You said you were gonna cook me something.
Yes, I did. Didn't I?
Yes, you did.
[drum roll]
Pour me a glass, Toast.
Red, white, or rose?
Why not open all three?
Yeah.
[Varrity sniggers]
[Toast groans]
[cork pops]
-[drumming on saucepans] -[Toast groans]
[cork pops]
[drumming on saucepans]
[Toast scoffs]
-[drumming on saucepans] -[Toast groans]
[cork pops]
[clanging saucepans]
[ladle thuds]
Jesus Christ, woman!
[rock jingle]
Supremely talented, and very much in demand for her skills.
She's a great gal.
Her grandfather was quite famous, you know.
Frank Forfolk, round the world yachtsman.
I have his autobiography, Forfolk's Sake.
You must remember it.
No, I don't.
You must remember it. Forfolk's Sake.
No, I don't.
That's what it's called.
Ah, yes.
So how long have you two been stepping out now?
Three months.
And I can honestly say,
I hardly notice her incessant drumming anymore.
And is this syncopation
matched by her rhythmic gyrations in the bedroom?
Well, let's just say we're very much in sync
when it comes to the art of love making.
What the hell is that?
It's a charity calendar produced by Healthy Man Monthly.
It's a chap's doodah.
Yes.
12 male celebrities agreed
to have their privates photographed.
This one is, let me see here.
Nice, Gyles Brandreth.
[Toast grimaces]
Who else is in there?
Prince Charles.
Ian Hislop.
John Bishop.
Who?
The Archbishop of Canterbury.
That's enough.
Bit squeamish, Toast?
It's no different to calendar girls, remember.
Calendar girls were just mild twee vulgarity.
That, however, is a different box of Skittles.
I mean, it's enough to put a chap off his boiled egg.
It's all for a good cause.
Thing is, Ed, I've never actually seen another chap's...
In the flesh, like.
No?
No.
Oh, I have. Several hundred.
But that's mostly because I used to work a lot
with Trevor Nunn.
Oh.
Simon Callow.
Oh, yes. I recognise that one
from A Room With a View.
Yeah. I don't think I'd like to see one
in the flesh, though.
I dunno how I'd react.
Don't worry, Toast.
It'll probably never happen.
[Toast groans]
[chilled jazz jingle]
[Jane laughs]
That is fantastic.
Yeah, I picked it up at Alicante airport.
[Jane laughs]
As I was coming up the stairs,
I could have sworn I heard the voice
of Bill bloody Purchase.
The ever so slightly more intelligent
albino twin of Ray bloody Purchase.
Is that you, Toast?
I was wondering if you'd drop in.
How come you're back in London?
Run out of old dears to rip off on the Costa Del Crime?
[Bill chuckles]
Same old Toast,
always the charmer.
Toast, come and look at this.
Bill Purchase bought me back a present.
What is it?
Come and have a look at the donkey.
Just get as close as you can to its rear end.
What, like this?
Yes.
[donkey farts]
[Jane and Bill cackle]
Isn't that hilarious?
It's real shit as well.
It better bloody not be.
[Bill chuckles]
By the way, how's your ex-wife?
-[guitar riff] -You what?
I heard she's about to spill the beans in a new book.
Who knows what she'll reveal?
Getting nervous, Toast?
Why don't you bugger off?
[Bill chuckles]
Don't be like that, old chap.
Although I probably should.
I'm going to meet my brother, Ray Purchase,
at the Colonial. Ta-ta for now.
Ciao.
[Jane blows a kiss]
[door creaks]
Why the hell did you let him in, Jane?
He's keen to get back into something in the West End.
I suspect he's on the run again.
Bad enough having to swerve around one idiot Purchase
without throwing another one into the mix.
You're unhappy with your purchases.
[Jane sniggers]
You what?
What a pair,
a clueless halfwit and a conman.
Didn't you and Bill Purchase once do a play together?
Yeah, always playing childish pranks on other actors.
He's well known for it.
Speaking of plays,
how are rehearsals going for Man of Sex?
Amazingly, Ormond has remained totally sober.
As I said, as long as he's working, he's fine.
Fingers crossed for opening night.
[lofty piano music]
[Toast] And I truly am a man of sex.
-[audience applaud] -[Jane laughs]
Champagne, Ian, please.
Well, I think for an opening night,
that went rather well.
Would you put that on Toast's tab?
Bless you, Ian.
I'd lose the Welsh accent, Toast.
It's clearly not working.
I wasn't doing a--
[Ray sniggers]
Piss off, Purchase.
Come on, boys. Let's not argue.
Time for a tiny celebration,
before the reviews come in.
[Jane gasps]
Jill Quear was outstanding.
Is she coming along?
I saw her putting Ormond in his taxi.
Oh, good. He's being sensible.
And he's promised to have that George Best operation.
You know the one? It makes you physically sick,
if alcohol enters your bloodstream.
Did it work for George?
I think it did.
[Jane laughs]
Just a nip to the lady loo.
[Ormond] It's hardly likely to happen again, is it?
[Jane] Ormond, no. Your taxi.
No, no, no, Ormond.
You need to go home.
Oh, come on.
Just one little drink won't do any harm.
It is an opening night, after all.
Just a tiny weeny little scotchlette.
All right, Toast?
What do you say?
Well, alright, just the one.
-[Ormond laughs] -[quaint upbeat music]
[All] Cheers.
[Customer] Yes, yes.
-[faint drumming] -Jane, it's not my fault.
He said he'd just have the one.
He's a chronic alcoholic, Toast.
He now has to go into hospital
to have that George Best operation.
So Man of Sex are an actor short,
because Sacker is back on the booze.
So I've been onto production,
and I've contacted a few people.
Who?
Baz Ravish.
He's good.
Tony Excalibur.
Good.
Champion House.
I think he's dead.
Cocker Boule.
Great dancer.
Michael Prance.
Still in jail, I think.
Church Weaver.
Very good.
And Heath Code Pursuit.
Wanker, but very good.
Are any of these available?
No. I'll ring around a few more.
-[phone hangs up] -[faint drumming]
Varrity, it might be time to stop the drumming.
Do you think?
-[faint drumming] -[phone rings]
Oh, god.
Jane, what do you want?
I've found someone.
Who?
[guitar riff]
Bloody thrilled to be back on the boards
in this play, Toast.
No, no, no.
Keep it in the family, Toast. Brothers in arms.
It'll be superb to share the stage again.
I jumped at the chance to step in
when Jane told me about it.
Helps that I know the play backwards.
We were in it together when it first opened
in Southampton.
[guitar riff]
Your ex-wife's from Southampton,
isn't she Toast?
How the hell do you know that?
It was in her book.
Her book isn't out yet.
Oh, uh, Jane must have told me. Uh...
Bill, was it Bristol where you put a tarantula
in Simon Russell Bill's helmet?
[Bill scoffs]
Nottingham. That put him off his collialanis.
That's outrageous.
And where did you do a shit
in Wendy Craig's muesli?
Manchester. She hardly knew the difference.
[Bill and Ray laugh]
Bill has a terrific sense of humour.
If I caught an actor doing anything like that,
I'd make sure he was given his bloody cards.
Now don't you get any ideas, Bill Purchase.
Calm down, Toast. We all enjoy a joke.
But at the end of the day,
you'll find I'm as professional as the next man.
[Western music]
-[Western music] -[Bill and Ray chuckle]
[gong rings]
So, nice place you've got here.
It maybe bijou, but it suits us.
[Stephanie] Darling,
I'm just going to show Rosemary around.
Sure. Have fun.
Who's the chap with the gong?
That's a live sculpture.
Stephanie saw it in New York and she wanted it.
Whatever Stephanie wants, Stephanie gets.
Can I be direct, Cyril?
Go ahead.
It's Rosemary.
She's been reading your novel.
What's it called again?
Man of Sex.
She's getting all kinds of ideas.
If Rosemary wants to spread her sexual wings,
maybe you should let her fly.
Don't blame me, Richard.
I just wrote the book.
I should phone my father.
Of course.
See if he's caught his train.
[guitar riff]
[Bill and Ray chuckle]
[rock jingle]
Don't think I haven't noticed
the way Rosemary's been looking at you.
It's because of that bloody book.
I can't stop people from reading my book,
and you should stop drinking champagne.
It makes you imagine things.
The way I imagined your affair with Louise?
[mysterious music]
Anyone seen Rosemary?
[Toast sighs]
Of course you'd bring up Louise.
You and your jealous rages.
I'd just been--
My god.
I'd just been shortlisted for the Booker Prize.
How old was she?
19? You stand there, with that ridiculous...
You stand there...
[audience mumbling]
[Bill laughs]
You stand there with that ridiculous pipe in your mouth,
puffing away without a care in the world.
[synth jingle]
And then I had to put it in my mouth,
just after it been up his...
I'm gonna complain.
And of course Ray Purchase is there, cheering him on.
At least things are going well with you and Varrity.
[Toast sighs]
Aren't they?
I mean, she's a great gal,
but the incessant drumming's
now really starting to get on my tits.
I might have to break it up.
Oh dear.
She's very keen to see the play.
So we're gonna drive to her cottage, have sex,
then drive straight back to London and see the show.
Ah, lovely.
Maybe I'll finish it after the performance.
Thing is, I'm no good at this breakup stuff.
Not unless I absolutely hate the person concerned.
Ah, I see your ex-wife Ellen is writing her autobiography.
I wonder what she has to say about you.
Well, we were married for 12 years.
That's potentially a lot of damaging ammunition.
Oh, almost forgot.
Time to change the month on my Healthy Man Monthly calendar.
April, Michael Ball.
Oh.
Appropriately.
Well, that means it's April Fools Day,
which also means that Bill Purchase is bound to play
a particularly cruel prank.
Better watch yourself then, Toast.
[drumming on door]
[Both] Varrity.
-[car engine revs] -[Varrity drums on dashboard]
Varrity, you've got the wipers on.
It's not even raining.
[car horn honks]
Varrity, isn't that a bit dangerous?
[laid back rock music]
♪ I've got keys of the wheels ♪
♪ I put some money aside ♪
♪ Disappear from this world ♪
♪ No one would mind ♪
♪ Fly through air ♪
♪ Leaving no trail ♪
♪ Cause when you're in space ♪
♪ They can't hear you fail ♪
♪ Let's escape from it all ♪
♪ Become someone new ♪
♪ I'm annoying, I know ♪
Yeah.
♪ But what can you do? ♪
♪ I just like to drum ♪
♪ So put me in jail ♪
♪ Cause when you're in space ♪
♪ They can't hear you fail ♪
♪ Cause when you're in space ♪
♪ They can't hear you fail ♪
Ah, Cyril, Stephanie, Rosemary.
Would you two girls mind
if Richard and I talk shop? We won't be long.
Yes, yes, of course.
It's getting late.
I'll see you in the morning.
I'll come directly to the point, Richard.
Stephanie, Rosemary and myself will be having sex tonight.
Now you can either join us, or you can go home.
The choice is you--
-[Bill sniggers] -[Toast chokes]
[audience gasps]
Is he all right?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Yes.
Are you a doctor?
Yes, doctor of drumming.
Goodness, I can't hear a heartbeat.
-[mallet thumps] -Clear, one.
-[mallet thumps] -Clear, two.
-[mallet thumps] -Clear, three.
Varrity, we need to talk.
-Clear, four. -[mallet thumps]
This might not be the best time.
Clear, five. Clear, six.
[Toast groans]
[upbeat rock jingle]
[phone rings]
Toast.
How are you, Toast?
God.
At least you're able to sit up this time.
Love the yellow pyjamas, very snazzy.
I had a lucky escape, Jane.
I almost had a heart attack, but not quite.
A doctor says I have an extremely weak heart,
and I should be careful not to suffer any major shocks
in the near future.
You'll be out soon enough, Toast.
Oh, by the way, did you get a copy of Ellen's book?
I had it sent round earlier.
-[paper ripping] -[guitar riff]
[Toast pants]
Don't worry, Toast. I've been through the book.
You are not mentioned once.
Toast, Toast, Toast...
-[Toast gasps] -[Toast groans]
Maybe just a small one before surgery.
[Toast groans and wheezes]
[laid back theme music]