1 00:00:01,003 --> 00:00:02,363 [xylophone jingle] 2 00:00:02,523 --> 00:00:04,243 Stand and deliver coachman! 3 00:00:04,403 --> 00:00:06,843 Hand me that musket or I'll blow your brains out. 4 00:00:07,003 --> 00:00:07,763 Very well, coachman. 5 00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:08,963 You were warned. 6 00:00:09,123 --> 00:00:11,043 Now prepare to meet thy maker. 7 00:00:11,203 --> 00:00:13,243 Bang. 8 00:00:13,403 --> 00:00:15,323 Lord Walford, I'll give you three seconds 9 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,363 to open the carriage door, or I'll smash the glass. 10 00:00:17,523 --> 00:00:18,083 Sma-- 11 00:00:23,963 --> 00:00:24,923 Smash! 12 00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:26,203 I warned you, Lord Walford! 13 00:00:26,363 --> 00:00:27,203 Whack! 14 00:00:27,363 --> 00:00:27,883 [Producer] That's great, Ray. 15 00:00:28,043 --> 00:00:29,003 Thanks, Danny. 16 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,243 Why am I doing sound effects? 17 00:00:30,403 --> 00:00:31,523 Just following the client's instructions. 18 00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:33,323 Here we go. 19 00:00:33,483 --> 00:00:34,523 One minute into the job, Toast starts complaining. 20 00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:35,963 You've got a script. 21 00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,083 Quit your belly aching and be professional. 22 00:00:37,243 --> 00:00:38,083 Fuck off. 23 00:00:38,243 --> 00:00:39,443 It's just me saying the words. 24 00:00:39,603 --> 00:00:41,043 Oh, Steven. I'm Clem Fandango. 25 00:00:41,203 --> 00:00:42,443 I know who you are. 26 00:00:42,603 --> 00:00:44,243 It's just me saying the words. Why? 27 00:00:44,403 --> 00:00:46,043 Well, in the script, it's indicated at various places. 28 00:00:46,203 --> 00:00:48,003 So for instance, yeah, during the robbery, 29 00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:49,723 we need the sound of a bang. 30 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,843 Well then use the sound of a real gunshot. 31 00:00:52,003 --> 00:00:53,603 Not just me saying "bang". 32 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:56,203 And later on here, it says "honk". 33 00:00:56,363 --> 00:00:57,683 Sound of a horn, yeah. 34 00:00:57,843 --> 00:00:59,163 Well, honk doesn't sound like a horn. 35 00:00:59,323 --> 00:01:01,443 It just sounds like a fella going, "Honk!" 36 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:02,963 Might have something to help you there. 37 00:01:04,403 --> 00:01:05,763 [door handle clicks] 38 00:01:05,923 --> 00:01:06,883 Good call, Danny. 39 00:01:07,043 --> 00:01:07,723 Thanks. 40 00:01:07,883 --> 00:01:08,683 Cheers. 41 00:01:10,243 --> 00:01:11,243 Alright Steven, in your own time. 42 00:01:11,403 --> 00:01:12,163 In your own time. 43 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:16,883 [bulb horn faintly honks] 44 00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:17,923 That's great, Steven. 45 00:01:19,203 --> 00:01:20,443 [bulb horn faintly honks] 46 00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:22,003 And keep going. 47 00:01:22,163 --> 00:01:25,563 [bulb horn honks repeatedly] 48 00:01:30,003 --> 00:01:33,123 [laid back theme music] 49 00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:58,283 Ah, Ormond. 50 00:01:58,443 --> 00:01:59,163 How are you? 51 00:01:59,323 --> 00:02:00,843 [Ormond chuckles] 52 00:02:01,003 --> 00:02:01,683 Mighty glad to be getting out of this place, 53 00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:02,643 I can tell you, Ed. 54 00:02:02,803 --> 00:02:04,163 Ah, Toast, you're here too. 55 00:02:04,323 --> 00:02:05,683 All right, old chap. Are you ready? 56 00:02:05,843 --> 00:02:07,443 [car door slams] 57 00:02:07,603 --> 00:02:09,403 Thanks for collecting me, you two loyal friends, 58 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:10,843 loyal friends. 59 00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:12,563 We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat 60 00:02:12,723 --> 00:02:13,523 in a couple of hours. 61 00:02:13,683 --> 00:02:14,603 Terrific. 62 00:02:14,763 --> 00:02:16,443 [car engine fires up] 63 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:19,763 I wonder if we might just stop off down the road. 64 00:02:19,923 --> 00:02:22,323 There's a delightful looking old country pub 65 00:02:22,483 --> 00:02:23,963 that I saw from the ambulance on the way here. 66 00:02:24,123 --> 00:02:25,323 Is that wise, Ormond? 67 00:02:25,483 --> 00:02:26,403 You've just spent three months 68 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,283 in rehab for chronic alcoholism. 69 00:02:28,443 --> 00:02:30,083 Oh, nonsense. 70 00:02:30,243 --> 00:02:32,403 I'm completely cured now. 71 00:02:32,563 --> 00:02:34,723 One little snifter's hardly gonna make any difference. 72 00:02:34,883 --> 00:02:35,723 [Ormond chuckles] 73 00:02:35,883 --> 00:02:36,603 What do you think, Toast? 74 00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:39,723 All right, but just the one, though. 75 00:02:39,883 --> 00:02:42,843 [quaint upbeat music] 76 00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:48,003 What the hell do you know about the theatre? 77 00:02:49,723 --> 00:02:53,163 I was drilling the boards and powdering my face, 78 00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:56,883 when your mother was powdering your arse. 79 00:02:57,043 --> 00:03:00,003 [quaint upbeat music] 80 00:03:01,163 --> 00:03:02,083 Bit of a slipper. 81 00:03:03,923 --> 00:03:06,443 Ah, Ormond. How are you? 82 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,883 Well, mightily glad to be out of this place, Ed, 83 00:03:08,043 --> 00:03:08,803 I can tell you. 84 00:03:08,963 --> 00:03:10,563 [car door slams] 85 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:12,603 Thanks for collecting me, you two loyal friends, 86 00:03:12,763 --> 00:03:14,243 loyal friends. 87 00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:16,003 We'll have you safely back in your cosy flat 88 00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:17,163 in a couple of hours. 89 00:03:18,723 --> 00:03:20,363 I wonder if we might just stop off-- 90 00:03:20,523 --> 00:03:22,123 Oh, remember what happened last time, Ormond. 91 00:03:22,283 --> 00:03:22,963 We went to that pub. 92 00:03:23,123 --> 00:03:24,723 You got wildly drunk. 93 00:03:24,883 --> 00:03:26,163 And we had to immediately drop you off back in rehab. 94 00:03:26,323 --> 00:03:27,003 [Ormond scoffs] 95 00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:28,483 Come on, boys. 96 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:31,083 It's hardly likely to happen again, is it? 97 00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:33,003 -[drum roll] -[car door slams] 98 00:03:33,163 --> 00:03:35,683 Have I seen Shopping and Fucking? 99 00:03:37,563 --> 00:03:41,683 Somebody actually called their play Shopping and Fuck-- 100 00:03:41,843 --> 00:03:44,403 We are teetering on the Eve of Sodom, 101 00:03:44,563 --> 00:03:47,763 and you tell me that this is progress? 102 00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,803 [quaint upbeat music] 103 00:03:53,643 --> 00:03:55,243 Honestly, Toast. 104 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:58,883 I gave you strict, simple instructions to take him home. 105 00:03:59,043 --> 00:04:02,563 But no, you had the great idea 106 00:04:02,723 --> 00:04:05,203 of transporting a recovering alcoholic 107 00:04:05,363 --> 00:04:08,243 straight from rehab to the pub, 108 00:04:08,403 --> 00:04:10,403 seven times. 109 00:04:10,563 --> 00:04:12,483 Jane, you don't know how persuasive he can be. 110 00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:13,843 "Just the one," he said. 111 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:15,923 They all say that, you cretin. 112 00:04:16,083 --> 00:04:17,803 This always happens when he's not working. 113 00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:21,763 Luckily, when he comes out in three months time, 114 00:04:21,923 --> 00:04:24,363 I've got him a job in Man of Sex at the Playhouse. 115 00:04:24,523 --> 00:04:25,723 Man of Sex, 116 00:04:25,883 --> 00:04:26,483 isn't that the play I'm doing with 117 00:04:26,643 --> 00:04:27,923 Ray bloody Purchase? 118 00:04:28,083 --> 00:04:29,963 Yes, and you both can keep an eye on Ormond 119 00:04:30,123 --> 00:04:31,883 and make sure he stays off the sauce. 120 00:04:32,043 --> 00:04:34,083 Well, luckily he's hardly in it. 121 00:04:34,243 --> 00:04:35,483 Ah, yes. 122 00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:38,963 Why did you say "Ah, yes" 123 00:04:39,123 --> 00:04:41,323 to me like that, Jane? 124 00:04:41,483 --> 00:04:43,403 Sorry. I should have been looking for a piece of paper 125 00:04:43,563 --> 00:04:44,843 on my desk, shouldn't I? 126 00:04:45,003 --> 00:04:47,683 Now. Ah, yes. 127 00:04:47,843 --> 00:04:49,323 Well, what is it? 128 00:04:49,483 --> 00:04:50,483 Well, this might interest you. 129 00:04:50,643 --> 00:04:51,883 Your ex-wife Ellen. 130 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:52,883 My ex-wife Ellen. 131 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,643 She's about to publish a book. 132 00:04:54,803 --> 00:04:55,963 What kind of book? Is it fiction? 133 00:04:56,123 --> 00:04:57,523 Jilly Cooper type of thing? 134 00:04:57,683 --> 00:04:59,043 No, not fiction. Autobiography, I imagine. 135 00:04:59,203 --> 00:05:00,723 Oh, god. 136 00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:03,523 Obviously, you were married to her for 12 years. 137 00:05:03,683 --> 00:05:05,283 Anything we need to be worried about? 138 00:05:05,443 --> 00:05:08,923 Any skeletons in your cupboard she's likely to uncover? 139 00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:11,163 Well, she's bound to mention me a lot, 140 00:05:11,323 --> 00:05:12,883 and it won't be entirely flattering. 141 00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:14,123 When did you last see her? 142 00:05:14,283 --> 00:05:15,843 About a year ago. 143 00:05:16,003 --> 00:05:19,123 No, Ellen. If you wanna gain entrance to the house, 144 00:05:19,283 --> 00:05:21,123 you'll have to go through your lawyers. 145 00:05:21,283 --> 00:05:22,723 -[steamroller rumbles] -Outta my way, Toast. 146 00:05:22,883 --> 00:05:24,963 No Ellen, I'm standing firm. 147 00:05:25,123 --> 00:05:29,043 Don't ever tell me what to do. 148 00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:30,483 [Toast squelches and crunches] 149 00:05:30,643 --> 00:05:31,643 -Oh! -[Toast groans] 150 00:05:31,803 --> 00:05:34,243 [Ellen laughs] 151 00:05:39,443 --> 00:05:41,083 Funny, funny stuff. 152 00:05:41,243 --> 00:05:42,843 No it wasn't, Jane. 153 00:05:43,003 --> 00:05:44,643 I was in tremendous pain. 154 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:49,043 Anyway, I'm off up the hill to Bedfordshire, literally. 155 00:05:49,203 --> 00:05:50,443 Bedfordshire. 156 00:05:50,603 --> 00:05:51,603 Isn't that where your new girlfriend lives? 157 00:05:51,763 --> 00:05:52,683 Yes, it is. 158 00:05:53,843 --> 00:05:55,323 The drummer lady. 159 00:05:55,483 --> 00:05:56,723 Varrity Map. 160 00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:59,083 She happens to be a doctor of drumming. 161 00:05:59,243 --> 00:06:01,083 I didn't know you could be a doctor of drumming. 162 00:06:01,243 --> 00:06:03,643 Well, you can, if you're very good at the drumming. 163 00:06:03,803 --> 00:06:04,483 Fascinating. 164 00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:05,883 It is fascinating. 165 00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:07,763 I'm gonna see her gaff for the first time. 166 00:06:07,923 --> 00:06:09,323 She's promised to cook for me. 167 00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:10,803 Lucky Toast. 168 00:06:10,963 --> 00:06:13,563 [Toast grunts and blows] 169 00:06:13,723 --> 00:06:16,083 [rock jingle] 170 00:06:17,123 --> 00:06:19,963 [intense drumming] 171 00:06:21,803 --> 00:06:23,883 [door knocking] 172 00:06:24,043 --> 00:06:28,683 -[rhythmic drumming] -[door knocking] 173 00:06:31,883 --> 00:06:34,723 [intense drumming] 174 00:06:37,843 --> 00:06:40,763 [doorbell rings] 175 00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:44,043 [tubular bells chime] 176 00:06:45,563 --> 00:06:48,123 [cheery ringtone] 177 00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:55,003 [xylophone mimics ringtone] 178 00:07:01,443 --> 00:07:03,603 [drum roll] 179 00:07:03,763 --> 00:07:05,363 [tapping on cowbells] 180 00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:10,163 -[knocking on window] -[cowbells clanging] 181 00:07:11,963 --> 00:07:13,283 [wind chime jingles] 182 00:07:13,443 --> 00:07:15,043 Ah, Toast. 183 00:07:15,203 --> 00:07:16,483 There you are. 184 00:07:16,643 --> 00:07:18,603 Come in. It's open. 185 00:07:18,763 --> 00:07:21,283 [drum roll] 186 00:07:21,443 --> 00:07:24,083 Welcome to chez moi. 187 00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:25,323 There's quite a lot of drums, Varrity. 188 00:07:25,483 --> 00:07:27,923 Yes. Well, I'm rehearsing a piece 189 00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:29,483 for the symphony orchestra, 190 00:07:29,643 --> 00:07:32,483 so I'm very much in the zone. 191 00:07:32,643 --> 00:07:34,923 So what do you wanna do? 192 00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:36,403 Well, I'm starving. 193 00:07:36,563 --> 00:07:38,043 You said you were gonna cook me something. 194 00:07:38,203 --> 00:07:40,403 Yes, I did. Didn't I? 195 00:07:40,563 --> 00:07:41,723 Yes, you did. 196 00:07:41,883 --> 00:07:42,923 [drum roll] 197 00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:44,843 Pour me a glass, Toast. 198 00:07:45,003 --> 00:07:46,923 Red, white, or rose? 199 00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,763 Why not open all three? 200 00:07:48,923 --> 00:07:49,843 Yeah. 201 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,763 [Varrity sniggers] 202 00:07:51,923 --> 00:07:53,243 [Toast groans] 203 00:07:53,403 --> 00:07:54,523 [cork pops] 204 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:55,803 -[drumming on saucepans] -[Toast groans] 205 00:07:55,963 --> 00:07:56,883 [cork pops] 206 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,323 [drumming on saucepans] 207 00:07:58,483 --> 00:07:59,603 [Toast scoffs] 208 00:07:59,763 --> 00:08:01,043 -[drumming on saucepans] -[Toast groans] 209 00:08:01,203 --> 00:08:01,883 [cork pops] 210 00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:03,403 [clanging saucepans] 211 00:08:03,563 --> 00:08:04,323 [ladle thuds] 212 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,203 Jesus Christ, woman! 213 00:08:06,363 --> 00:08:08,963 [rock jingle] 214 00:08:09,123 --> 00:08:12,043 Supremely talented, and very much in demand for her skills. 215 00:08:12,203 --> 00:08:13,563 She's a great gal. 216 00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:15,603 Her grandfather was quite famous, you know. 217 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:18,243 Frank Forfolk, round the world yachtsman. 218 00:08:18,403 --> 00:08:20,563 I have his autobiography, Forfolk's Sake. 219 00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:21,603 You must remember it. 220 00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:23,043 No, I don't. 221 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,923 You must remember it. Forfolk's Sake. 222 00:08:25,083 --> 00:08:25,923 No, I don't. 223 00:08:26,083 --> 00:08:28,083 That's what it's called. 224 00:08:28,243 --> 00:08:30,603 Ah, yes. 225 00:08:30,763 --> 00:08:33,603 So how long have you two been stepping out now? 226 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:34,683 Three months. 227 00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:36,363 And I can honestly say, 228 00:08:36,523 --> 00:08:38,363 I hardly notice her incessant drumming anymore. 229 00:08:38,523 --> 00:08:40,123 And is this syncopation 230 00:08:40,283 --> 00:08:42,443 matched by her rhythmic gyrations in the bedroom? 231 00:08:42,603 --> 00:08:44,203 Well, let's just say we're very much in sync 232 00:08:44,363 --> 00:08:46,883 when it comes to the art of love making. 233 00:08:50,003 --> 00:08:51,243 What the hell is that? 234 00:08:53,083 --> 00:08:55,723 It's a charity calendar produced by Healthy Man Monthly. 235 00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:56,883 It's a chap's doodah. 236 00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:58,083 Yes. 237 00:08:58,243 --> 00:08:59,563 12 male celebrities agreed 238 00:08:59,723 --> 00:09:01,403 to have their privates photographed. 239 00:09:01,563 --> 00:09:04,003 This one is, let me see here. 240 00:09:04,163 --> 00:09:05,523 Nice, Gyles Brandreth. 241 00:09:05,683 --> 00:09:06,963 [Toast grimaces] 242 00:09:07,123 --> 00:09:08,203 Who else is in there? 243 00:09:09,363 --> 00:09:10,163 Prince Charles. 244 00:09:11,363 --> 00:09:12,043 Ian Hislop. 245 00:09:13,363 --> 00:09:13,963 John Bishop. 246 00:09:14,123 --> 00:09:15,043 Who? 247 00:09:15,203 --> 00:09:16,163 The Archbishop of Canterbury. 248 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,563 That's enough. 249 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,283 Bit squeamish, Toast? 250 00:09:19,443 --> 00:09:21,163 It's no different to calendar girls, remember. 251 00:09:21,323 --> 00:09:24,603 Calendar girls were just mild twee vulgarity. 252 00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:28,283 That, however, is a different box of Skittles. 253 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:32,643 I mean, it's enough to put a chap off his boiled egg. 254 00:09:32,803 --> 00:09:35,043 It's all for a good cause. 255 00:09:35,203 --> 00:09:39,483 Thing is, Ed, I've never actually seen another chap's... 256 00:09:39,643 --> 00:09:40,683 In the flesh, like. 257 00:09:40,843 --> 00:09:41,483 No? 258 00:09:41,643 --> 00:09:42,683 No. 259 00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:44,363 Oh, I have. Several hundred. 260 00:09:44,523 --> 00:09:45,363 But that's mostly because I used to work a lot 261 00:09:45,523 --> 00:09:46,523 with Trevor Nunn. 262 00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:47,723 Oh. 263 00:09:47,883 --> 00:09:48,963 Simon Callow. 264 00:09:49,123 --> 00:09:50,243 Oh, yes. I recognise that one 265 00:09:50,403 --> 00:09:52,483 from A Room With a View. 266 00:09:52,643 --> 00:09:54,483 Yeah. I don't think I'd like to see one 267 00:09:54,643 --> 00:09:55,923 in the flesh, though. 268 00:09:56,083 --> 00:09:57,363 I dunno how I'd react. 269 00:09:57,523 --> 00:09:58,683 Don't worry, Toast. 270 00:09:58,843 --> 00:10:00,683 It'll probably never happen. 271 00:10:00,843 --> 00:10:02,323 [Toast groans] 272 00:10:02,483 --> 00:10:04,363 [chilled jazz jingle] 273 00:10:04,523 --> 00:10:05,163 [Jane laughs] 274 00:10:05,323 --> 00:10:07,363 That is fantastic. 275 00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:09,243 Yeah, I picked it up at Alicante airport. 276 00:10:09,403 --> 00:10:10,883 [Jane laughs] 277 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,363 As I was coming up the stairs, 278 00:10:12,523 --> 00:10:13,803 I could have sworn I heard the voice 279 00:10:13,963 --> 00:10:16,243 of Bill bloody Purchase. 280 00:10:16,403 --> 00:10:18,363 The ever so slightly more intelligent 281 00:10:18,523 --> 00:10:21,443 albino twin of Ray bloody Purchase. 282 00:10:21,603 --> 00:10:23,043 Is that you, Toast? 283 00:10:23,203 --> 00:10:25,083 I was wondering if you'd drop in. 284 00:10:25,243 --> 00:10:26,883 How come you're back in London? 285 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,683 Run out of old dears to rip off on the Costa Del Crime? 286 00:10:29,843 --> 00:10:30,603 [Bill chuckles] 287 00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:32,083 Same old Toast, 288 00:10:32,243 --> 00:10:33,483 always the charmer. 289 00:10:33,643 --> 00:10:35,683 Toast, come and look at this. 290 00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:38,243 Bill Purchase bought me back a present. 291 00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:39,603 What is it? 292 00:10:39,763 --> 00:10:40,963 Come and have a look at the donkey. 293 00:10:41,123 --> 00:10:43,603 Just get as close as you can to its rear end. 294 00:10:43,763 --> 00:10:45,083 What, like this? 295 00:10:45,243 --> 00:10:46,043 Yes. 296 00:10:46,203 --> 00:10:46,883 [donkey farts] 297 00:10:47,043 --> 00:10:48,763 [Jane and Bill cackle] 298 00:10:48,923 --> 00:10:50,163 Isn't that hilarious? 299 00:10:50,323 --> 00:10:51,403 It's real shit as well. 300 00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:53,603 It better bloody not be. 301 00:10:53,763 --> 00:10:54,603 [Bill chuckles] 302 00:10:54,763 --> 00:10:56,563 By the way, how's your ex-wife? 303 00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:58,283 -[guitar riff] -You what? 304 00:10:58,443 --> 00:11:01,483 I heard she's about to spill the beans in a new book. 305 00:11:01,643 --> 00:11:03,403 Who knows what she'll reveal? 306 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,003 Getting nervous, Toast? 307 00:11:05,163 --> 00:11:06,683 Why don't you bugger off? 308 00:11:06,843 --> 00:11:07,923 [Bill chuckles] 309 00:11:08,083 --> 00:11:09,603 Don't be like that, old chap. 310 00:11:09,763 --> 00:11:11,243 Although I probably should. 311 00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:13,083 I'm going to meet my brother, Ray Purchase, 312 00:11:13,243 --> 00:11:15,243 at the Colonial. Ta-ta for now. 313 00:11:15,403 --> 00:11:16,243 Ciao. 314 00:11:16,403 --> 00:11:17,683 [Jane blows a kiss] 315 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,123 [door creaks] 316 00:11:19,283 --> 00:11:20,923 Why the hell did you let him in, Jane? 317 00:11:21,083 --> 00:11:23,963 He's keen to get back into something in the West End. 318 00:11:24,123 --> 00:11:26,683 I suspect he's on the run again. 319 00:11:26,843 --> 00:11:29,323 Bad enough having to swerve around one idiot Purchase 320 00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:31,843 without throwing another one into the mix. 321 00:11:32,003 --> 00:11:33,723 You're unhappy with your purchases. 322 00:11:33,883 --> 00:11:34,523 [Jane sniggers] 323 00:11:34,683 --> 00:11:35,443 You what? 324 00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:37,763 What a pair, 325 00:11:37,923 --> 00:11:41,163 a clueless halfwit and a conman. 326 00:11:41,323 --> 00:11:43,603 Didn't you and Bill Purchase once do a play together? 327 00:11:43,763 --> 00:11:46,803 Yeah, always playing childish pranks on other actors. 328 00:11:46,963 --> 00:11:47,763 He's well known for it. 329 00:11:47,923 --> 00:11:49,323 Speaking of plays, 330 00:11:49,483 --> 00:11:50,843 how are rehearsals going for Man of Sex? 331 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,283 Amazingly, Ormond has remained totally sober. 332 00:11:53,443 --> 00:11:56,243 As I said, as long as he's working, he's fine. 333 00:11:56,403 --> 00:11:58,523 Fingers crossed for opening night. 334 00:11:58,683 --> 00:12:02,403 [lofty piano music] 335 00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:06,203 [Toast] And I truly am a man of sex. 336 00:12:06,363 --> 00:12:08,203 -[audience applaud] -[Jane laughs] 337 00:12:08,363 --> 00:12:10,843 Champagne, Ian, please. 338 00:12:11,003 --> 00:12:13,843 Well, I think for an opening night, 339 00:12:14,003 --> 00:12:15,523 that went rather well. 340 00:12:15,683 --> 00:12:17,723 Would you put that on Toast's tab? 341 00:12:17,883 --> 00:12:19,563 Bless you, Ian. 342 00:12:19,723 --> 00:12:21,043 I'd lose the Welsh accent, Toast. 343 00:12:21,203 --> 00:12:22,243 It's clearly not working. 344 00:12:22,403 --> 00:12:23,523 I wasn't doing a-- 345 00:12:23,683 --> 00:12:24,363 [Ray sniggers] 346 00:12:24,523 --> 00:12:25,323 Piss off, Purchase. 347 00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:26,603 Come on, boys. Let's not argue. 348 00:12:26,763 --> 00:12:28,843 Time for a tiny celebration, 349 00:12:29,003 --> 00:12:32,123 before the reviews come in. 350 00:12:32,283 --> 00:12:33,123 [Jane gasps] 351 00:12:33,283 --> 00:12:35,483 Jill Quear was outstanding. 352 00:12:35,643 --> 00:12:37,163 Is she coming along? 353 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,723 I saw her putting Ormond in his taxi. 354 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,963 Oh, good. He's being sensible. 355 00:12:41,123 --> 00:12:44,963 And he's promised to have that George Best operation. 356 00:12:45,123 --> 00:12:47,203 You know the one? It makes you physically sick, 357 00:12:47,363 --> 00:12:49,563 if alcohol enters your bloodstream. 358 00:12:49,723 --> 00:12:50,603 Did it work for George? 359 00:12:50,763 --> 00:12:52,603 I think it did. 360 00:12:52,763 --> 00:12:53,883 [Jane laughs] 361 00:12:54,043 --> 00:12:57,563 Just a nip to the lady loo. 362 00:12:57,723 --> 00:12:59,363 [Ormond] It's hardly likely to happen again, is it? 363 00:12:59,523 --> 00:13:01,883 [Jane] Ormond, no. Your taxi. 364 00:13:02,043 --> 00:13:02,963 No, no, no, Ormond. 365 00:13:03,123 --> 00:13:03,763 You need to go home. 366 00:13:03,923 --> 00:13:05,363 Oh, come on. 367 00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:07,723 Just one little drink won't do any harm. 368 00:13:07,883 --> 00:13:09,883 It is an opening night, after all. 369 00:13:10,043 --> 00:13:11,843 Just a tiny weeny little scotchlette. 370 00:13:12,003 --> 00:13:13,243 All right, Toast? 371 00:13:13,403 --> 00:13:15,163 What do you say? 372 00:13:15,323 --> 00:13:17,083 Well, alright, just the one. 373 00:13:17,243 --> 00:13:18,603 -[Ormond laughs] -[quaint upbeat music] 374 00:13:18,763 --> 00:13:19,883 [All] Cheers. 375 00:13:20,043 --> 00:13:22,083 [Customer] Yes, yes. 376 00:13:22,243 --> 00:13:23,323 -[faint drumming] -Jane, it's not my fault. 377 00:13:23,483 --> 00:13:25,163 He said he'd just have the one. 378 00:13:25,323 --> 00:13:27,923 He's a chronic alcoholic, Toast. 379 00:13:28,083 --> 00:13:29,283 He now has to go into hospital 380 00:13:29,443 --> 00:13:31,443 to have that George Best operation. 381 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,203 So Man of Sex are an actor short, 382 00:13:33,363 --> 00:13:35,923 because Sacker is back on the booze. 383 00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,003 So I've been onto production, 384 00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:38,643 and I've contacted a few people. 385 00:13:38,803 --> 00:13:39,763 Who? 386 00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:40,603 Baz Ravish. 387 00:13:40,763 --> 00:13:41,603 He's good. 388 00:13:41,763 --> 00:13:42,403 Tony Excalibur. 389 00:13:42,563 --> 00:13:43,243 Good. 390 00:13:43,403 --> 00:13:44,043 Champion House. 391 00:13:44,203 --> 00:13:44,803 I think he's dead. 392 00:13:44,963 --> 00:13:45,643 Cocker Boule. 393 00:13:45,803 --> 00:13:46,643 Great dancer. 394 00:13:46,803 --> 00:13:47,483 Michael Prance. 395 00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:48,963 Still in jail, I think. 396 00:13:49,123 --> 00:13:49,923 Church Weaver. 397 00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:50,763 Very good. 398 00:13:50,923 --> 00:13:52,003 And Heath Code Pursuit. 399 00:13:52,163 --> 00:13:53,683 Wanker, but very good. 400 00:13:53,843 --> 00:13:55,163 Are any of these available? 401 00:13:55,323 --> 00:13:57,563 No. I'll ring around a few more. 402 00:13:57,723 --> 00:13:59,283 -[phone hangs up] -[faint drumming] 403 00:13:59,443 --> 00:14:00,963 Varrity, it might be time to stop the drumming. 404 00:14:01,123 --> 00:14:02,523 Do you think? 405 00:14:02,683 --> 00:14:04,003 -[faint drumming] -[phone rings] 406 00:14:04,163 --> 00:14:04,883 Oh, god. 407 00:14:05,043 --> 00:14:05,843 Jane, what do you want? 408 00:14:06,003 --> 00:14:08,163 I've found someone. 409 00:14:08,323 --> 00:14:09,363 Who? 410 00:14:09,523 --> 00:14:10,723 [guitar riff] 411 00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:11,963 Bloody thrilled to be back on the boards 412 00:14:12,123 --> 00:14:13,803 in this play, Toast. 413 00:14:13,963 --> 00:14:15,763 No, no, no. 414 00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:18,363 Keep it in the family, Toast. Brothers in arms. 415 00:14:18,523 --> 00:14:20,443 It'll be superb to share the stage again. 416 00:14:20,603 --> 00:14:21,923 I jumped at the chance to step in 417 00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:23,483 when Jane told me about it. 418 00:14:23,643 --> 00:14:25,003 Helps that I know the play backwards. 419 00:14:25,163 --> 00:14:26,323 We were in it together when it first opened 420 00:14:26,483 --> 00:14:27,363 in Southampton. 421 00:14:27,523 --> 00:14:28,563 [guitar riff] 422 00:14:28,723 --> 00:14:29,603 Your ex-wife's from Southampton, 423 00:14:29,763 --> 00:14:30,883 isn't she Toast? 424 00:14:31,043 --> 00:14:32,483 How the hell do you know that? 425 00:14:32,643 --> 00:14:34,003 It was in her book. 426 00:14:34,163 --> 00:14:36,003 Her book isn't out yet. 427 00:14:36,163 --> 00:14:39,003 Oh, uh, Jane must have told me. Uh... 428 00:14:39,163 --> 00:14:41,083 Bill, was it Bristol where you put a tarantula 429 00:14:41,243 --> 00:14:43,083 in Simon Russell Bill's helmet? 430 00:14:43,243 --> 00:14:44,443 [Bill scoffs] 431 00:14:44,603 --> 00:14:45,963 Nottingham. That put him off his collialanis. 432 00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:47,363 That's outrageous. 433 00:14:47,523 --> 00:14:48,443 And where did you do a shit 434 00:14:48,603 --> 00:14:50,323 in Wendy Craig's muesli? 435 00:14:50,483 --> 00:14:52,683 Manchester. She hardly knew the difference. 436 00:14:52,843 --> 00:14:55,243 [Bill and Ray laugh] 437 00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:57,923 Bill has a terrific sense of humour. 438 00:14:58,083 --> 00:15:00,803 If I caught an actor doing anything like that, 439 00:15:00,963 --> 00:15:03,563 I'd make sure he was given his bloody cards. 440 00:15:03,723 --> 00:15:07,003 Now don't you get any ideas, Bill Purchase. 441 00:15:07,163 --> 00:15:09,843 Calm down, Toast. We all enjoy a joke. 442 00:15:10,003 --> 00:15:11,363 But at the end of the day, 443 00:15:11,523 --> 00:15:13,603 you'll find I'm as professional as the next man. 444 00:15:13,763 --> 00:15:16,323 [Western music] 445 00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:29,723 -[Western music] -[Bill and Ray chuckle] 446 00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:36,803 [gong rings] 447 00:15:36,963 --> 00:15:39,723 So, nice place you've got here. 448 00:15:39,883 --> 00:15:43,363 It maybe bijou, but it suits us. 449 00:15:43,523 --> 00:15:44,683 [Stephanie] Darling, 450 00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:45,763 I'm just going to show Rosemary around. 451 00:15:45,923 --> 00:15:48,443 Sure. Have fun. 452 00:15:48,603 --> 00:15:49,883 Who's the chap with the gong? 453 00:15:50,043 --> 00:15:51,963 That's a live sculpture. 454 00:15:52,123 --> 00:15:55,323 Stephanie saw it in New York and she wanted it. 455 00:15:55,483 --> 00:15:59,283 Whatever Stephanie wants, Stephanie gets. 456 00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:00,763 Can I be direct, Cyril? 457 00:16:00,923 --> 00:16:02,123 Go ahead. 458 00:16:02,283 --> 00:16:03,803 It's Rosemary. 459 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,883 She's been reading your novel. 460 00:16:06,043 --> 00:16:06,763 What's it called again? 461 00:16:06,923 --> 00:16:09,083 Man of Sex. 462 00:16:09,243 --> 00:16:11,443 She's getting all kinds of ideas. 463 00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:14,323 If Rosemary wants to spread her sexual wings, 464 00:16:14,483 --> 00:16:16,763 maybe you should let her fly. 465 00:16:16,923 --> 00:16:18,443 Don't blame me, Richard. 466 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,683 I just wrote the book. 467 00:16:20,843 --> 00:16:22,563 I should phone my father. 468 00:16:22,723 --> 00:16:23,323 Of course. 469 00:16:26,163 --> 00:16:27,763 See if he's caught his train. 470 00:16:31,483 --> 00:16:34,563 [guitar riff] 471 00:16:34,723 --> 00:16:37,803 [Bill and Ray chuckle] 472 00:16:39,803 --> 00:16:41,523 [rock jingle] 473 00:16:41,683 --> 00:16:42,923 Don't think I haven't noticed 474 00:16:43,083 --> 00:16:44,963 the way Rosemary's been looking at you. 475 00:16:45,123 --> 00:16:46,763 It's because of that bloody book. 476 00:16:48,603 --> 00:16:51,123 I can't stop people from reading my book, 477 00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:53,283 and you should stop drinking champagne. 478 00:16:53,443 --> 00:16:54,923 It makes you imagine things. 479 00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:57,683 The way I imagined your affair with Louise? 480 00:16:57,843 --> 00:17:00,323 [mysterious music] 481 00:17:00,483 --> 00:17:01,923 Anyone seen Rosemary? 482 00:17:02,083 --> 00:17:04,003 [Toast sighs] 483 00:17:04,163 --> 00:17:06,203 Of course you'd bring up Louise. 484 00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:09,723 You and your jealous rages. 485 00:17:15,283 --> 00:17:16,403 I'd just been-- 486 00:17:18,963 --> 00:17:19,683 My god. 487 00:17:21,803 --> 00:17:24,443 I'd just been shortlisted for the Booker Prize. 488 00:17:24,603 --> 00:17:25,603 How old was she? 489 00:17:29,723 --> 00:17:34,363 19? You stand there, with that ridiculous... 490 00:17:40,923 --> 00:17:42,243 You stand there... 491 00:17:46,003 --> 00:17:48,763 [audience mumbling] 492 00:17:57,883 --> 00:18:00,283 [Bill laughs] 493 00:18:03,603 --> 00:18:07,443 You stand there with that ridiculous pipe in your mouth, 494 00:18:07,603 --> 00:18:09,923 puffing away without a care in the world. 495 00:18:10,083 --> 00:18:12,523 [synth jingle] 496 00:18:15,123 --> 00:18:16,763 And then I had to put it in my mouth, 497 00:18:16,923 --> 00:18:19,123 just after it been up his... 498 00:18:19,283 --> 00:18:21,003 I'm gonna complain. 499 00:18:21,163 --> 00:18:23,483 And of course Ray Purchase is there, cheering him on. 500 00:18:23,643 --> 00:18:25,403 At least things are going well with you and Varrity. 501 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:26,683 [Toast sighs] 502 00:18:26,843 --> 00:18:27,923 Aren't they? 503 00:18:28,083 --> 00:18:29,163 I mean, she's a great gal, 504 00:18:29,323 --> 00:18:31,083 but the incessant drumming's 505 00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:33,483 now really starting to get on my tits. 506 00:18:33,643 --> 00:18:34,963 I might have to break it up. 507 00:18:35,123 --> 00:18:35,963 Oh dear. 508 00:18:36,123 --> 00:18:38,163 She's very keen to see the play. 509 00:18:38,323 --> 00:18:40,483 So we're gonna drive to her cottage, have sex, 510 00:18:40,643 --> 00:18:42,403 then drive straight back to London and see the show. 511 00:18:42,563 --> 00:18:43,803 Ah, lovely. 512 00:18:43,963 --> 00:18:46,523 Maybe I'll finish it after the performance. 513 00:18:46,683 --> 00:18:49,963 Thing is, I'm no good at this breakup stuff. 514 00:18:50,123 --> 00:18:53,043 Not unless I absolutely hate the person concerned. 515 00:18:53,203 --> 00:18:56,683 Ah, I see your ex-wife Ellen is writing her autobiography. 516 00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:58,043 I wonder what she has to say about you. 517 00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:01,803 Well, we were married for 12 years. 518 00:19:01,963 --> 00:19:04,363 That's potentially a lot of damaging ammunition. 519 00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:06,403 Oh, almost forgot. 520 00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:09,803 Time to change the month on my Healthy Man Monthly calendar. 521 00:19:09,963 --> 00:19:12,323 April, Michael Ball. 522 00:19:12,483 --> 00:19:13,163 Oh. 523 00:19:13,323 --> 00:19:14,763 Appropriately. 524 00:19:14,923 --> 00:19:16,403 Well, that means it's April Fools Day, 525 00:19:16,563 --> 00:19:18,203 which also means that Bill Purchase is bound to play 526 00:19:18,363 --> 00:19:20,243 a particularly cruel prank. 527 00:19:20,403 --> 00:19:22,003 Better watch yourself then, Toast. 528 00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:25,003 [drumming on door] 529 00:19:30,163 --> 00:19:31,923 [Both] Varrity. 530 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:36,683 -[car engine revs] -[Varrity drums on dashboard] 531 00:19:38,283 --> 00:19:38,763 Varrity, you've got the wipers on. 532 00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:40,083 It's not even raining. 533 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:45,483 [car horn honks] 534 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,123 Varrity, isn't that a bit dangerous? 535 00:19:49,883 --> 00:19:53,163 [laid back rock music] 536 00:19:53,323 --> 00:19:55,203 ♪ I've got keys of the wheels ♪ 537 00:19:55,363 --> 00:19:57,323 ♪ I put some money aside ♪ 538 00:19:57,483 --> 00:20:00,043 ♪ Disappear from this world ♪ 539 00:20:00,203 --> 00:20:02,243 ♪ No one would mind ♪ 540 00:20:02,403 --> 00:20:04,403 ♪ Fly through air ♪ 541 00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:06,723 ♪ Leaving no trail ♪ 542 00:20:06,883 --> 00:20:08,963 ♪ Cause when you're in space ♪ 543 00:20:09,123 --> 00:20:13,803 ♪ They can't hear you fail ♪ 544 00:20:15,203 --> 00:20:17,363 ♪ Let's escape from it all ♪ 545 00:20:17,523 --> 00:20:19,443 ♪ Become someone new ♪ 546 00:20:19,603 --> 00:20:21,363 ♪ I'm annoying, I know ♪ 547 00:20:21,523 --> 00:20:22,203 Yeah. 548 00:20:22,363 --> 00:20:24,003 ♪ But what can you do? ♪ 549 00:20:24,163 --> 00:20:25,963 ♪ I just like to drum ♪ 550 00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:28,283 ♪ So put me in jail ♪ 551 00:20:28,443 --> 00:20:30,483 ♪ Cause when you're in space ♪ 552 00:20:30,643 --> 00:20:32,963 ♪ They can't hear you fail ♪ 553 00:20:33,123 --> 00:20:34,803 ♪ Cause when you're in space ♪ 554 00:20:34,963 --> 00:20:38,123 ♪ They can't hear you fail ♪ 555 00:20:43,723 --> 00:20:46,803 Ah, Cyril, Stephanie, Rosemary. 556 00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:48,763 Would you two girls mind 557 00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:51,563 if Richard and I talk shop? We won't be long. 558 00:20:51,723 --> 00:20:52,803 Yes, yes, of course. 559 00:20:52,963 --> 00:20:54,403 It's getting late. 560 00:20:54,563 --> 00:20:55,763 I'll see you in the morning. 561 00:20:59,803 --> 00:21:02,443 I'll come directly to the point, Richard. 562 00:21:02,603 --> 00:21:06,523 Stephanie, Rosemary and myself will be having sex tonight. 563 00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:10,523 Now you can either join us, or you can go home. 564 00:21:10,683 --> 00:21:12,123 The choice is you-- 565 00:21:13,923 --> 00:21:18,403 -[Bill sniggers] -[Toast chokes] 566 00:21:18,563 --> 00:21:21,043 [audience gasps] 567 00:21:21,203 --> 00:21:22,163 Is he all right? 568 00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:23,163 Yeah, he'll be fine. 569 00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:24,163 Is there a doctor in the house? 570 00:21:25,563 --> 00:21:26,323 Yes. 571 00:21:28,803 --> 00:21:29,843 Are you a doctor? 572 00:21:30,003 --> 00:21:31,923 Yes, doctor of drumming. 573 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,123 Goodness, I can't hear a heartbeat. 574 00:21:36,923 --> 00:21:38,083 -[mallet thumps] -Clear, one. 575 00:21:38,243 --> 00:21:39,443 -[mallet thumps] -Clear, two. 576 00:21:39,603 --> 00:21:40,803 -[mallet thumps] -Clear, three. 577 00:21:40,963 --> 00:21:42,003 Varrity, we need to talk. 578 00:21:42,163 --> 00:21:43,283 -Clear, four. -[mallet thumps] 579 00:21:43,443 --> 00:21:44,323 This might not be the best time. 580 00:21:44,483 --> 00:21:46,443 Clear, five. Clear, six. 581 00:21:46,603 --> 00:21:47,683 [Toast groans] 582 00:21:47,843 --> 00:21:49,363 [upbeat rock jingle] 583 00:21:49,523 --> 00:21:52,323 [phone rings] 584 00:21:52,483 --> 00:21:53,683 Toast. 585 00:21:53,843 --> 00:21:55,363 How are you, Toast? 586 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:56,843 God. 587 00:21:57,003 --> 00:21:58,443 At least you're able to sit up this time. 588 00:21:58,603 --> 00:22:02,083 Love the yellow pyjamas, very snazzy. 589 00:22:03,403 --> 00:22:05,883 I had a lucky escape, Jane. 590 00:22:06,043 --> 00:22:08,203 I almost had a heart attack, but not quite. 591 00:22:08,363 --> 00:22:10,843 A doctor says I have an extremely weak heart, 592 00:22:11,003 --> 00:22:12,763 and I should be careful not to suffer any major shocks 593 00:22:12,923 --> 00:22:14,243 in the near future. 594 00:22:14,403 --> 00:22:15,963 You'll be out soon enough, Toast. 595 00:22:16,123 --> 00:22:17,843 Oh, by the way, did you get a copy of Ellen's book? 596 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,083 I had it sent round earlier. 597 00:22:20,243 --> 00:22:24,403 -[paper ripping] -[guitar riff] 598 00:22:24,563 --> 00:22:26,923 [Toast pants] 599 00:22:28,803 --> 00:22:30,683 Don't worry, Toast. I've been through the book. 600 00:22:30,843 --> 00:22:33,163 You are not mentioned once. 601 00:22:33,323 --> 00:22:34,923 Toast, Toast, Toast... 602 00:22:35,083 --> 00:22:37,683 -[Toast gasps] -[Toast groans] 603 00:22:37,843 --> 00:22:40,523 Maybe just a small one before surgery. 604 00:22:40,683 --> 00:22:42,603 [Toast groans and wheezes] 605 00:22:42,763 --> 00:22:45,883 [laid back theme music]