1 00:00:00,843 --> 00:00:02,076 [whimsical jingle] 2 00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:03,243 -That's a cool hat. -Hmm. 3 00:00:03,376 --> 00:00:04,576 -You DJing tonight? -Oh yeah. 4 00:00:04,710 --> 00:00:06,776 Dropping some MP3 bombs down at hiphop karaoke. 5 00:00:06,910 --> 00:00:08,110 -[Clem] What? The social? -No, no. 6 00:00:08,243 --> 00:00:09,943 Above the multistory car park by the west way. 7 00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:12,343 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you got any candies? 8 00:00:12,476 --> 00:00:13,610 Yeah, I've got loads. Yeah. How many do you want? 9 00:00:13,743 --> 00:00:15,143 [Danny] Just a few. 10 00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:18,343 I'm pulling an all nighter, so I'm thinking six? 11 00:00:19,876 --> 00:00:21,043 [Toast] Can we get on with this? 12 00:00:21,176 --> 00:00:22,410 Have I gotta sit and listen to you two 13 00:00:22,543 --> 00:00:23,743 talk about leg warmers all day? 14 00:00:23,876 --> 00:00:25,376 Sorry, man. 15 00:00:25,510 --> 00:00:26,943 Oh, Steven, do you wanna cup of tea before we start? 16 00:00:27,076 --> 00:00:28,010 There's hell of a lot to get through. 17 00:00:28,143 --> 00:00:29,643 You're not lying. 18 00:00:29,776 --> 00:00:31,643 Jesus Christ. I mean what the hell is this? The Bible? 19 00:00:31,776 --> 00:00:33,243 Well, that's exactly what it is. 20 00:00:33,376 --> 00:00:34,676 We're recording an audio book of the Bible. 21 00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:35,676 What, your agent not tell you? 22 00:00:35,810 --> 00:00:37,543 No, she didn't. 23 00:00:37,676 --> 00:00:39,443 And if she had have told me I'd be reading the Bible, 24 00:00:39,576 --> 00:00:41,043 I wouldn't have fucking agreed to it. 25 00:00:41,176 --> 00:00:42,543 Steven, this is Clem Fandango. 26 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,576 Can you hear me? 27 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,176 Not really, cock. 28 00:00:45,310 --> 00:00:47,510 Not with all this Bible paper soundproofing the booth. 29 00:00:47,643 --> 00:00:48,776 Oh, cheers Louise. 30 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:51,543 Oh, just a sec. Which cup is Steven's? 31 00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:52,543 Well, just leave them here. 32 00:00:52,676 --> 00:00:53,710 I'll take it into him. 33 00:00:54,743 --> 00:00:55,643 The fuck? 34 00:00:57,276 --> 00:00:58,743 [Clem] What, are you fucking kidding me? 35 00:00:58,876 --> 00:01:00,576 Those pills are intense. He'll be chewing the carpet. 36 00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:02,443 I better put another one in then, eh? 37 00:01:02,576 --> 00:01:03,910 [Clem cackling] 38 00:01:04,110 --> 00:01:05,443 [Toast] Oi. Where's my cup of tea? 39 00:01:05,576 --> 00:01:06,610 Coming. 40 00:01:06,743 --> 00:01:09,143 [whimsical jingle] 41 00:01:09,276 --> 00:01:12,276 [upbeat dance music] 42 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:19,176 This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read. 43 00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:20,710 It's better than Shakespeare. 44 00:01:23,476 --> 00:01:25,643 His ass was beautiful. I'll read this one again. 45 00:01:25,776 --> 00:01:26,610 Are we rolling? 46 00:01:27,643 --> 00:01:28,343 I love you. 47 00:01:28,476 --> 00:01:29,976 Ha ha, and I love you. 48 00:01:30,943 --> 00:01:32,776 Did I tell you that I love you? 49 00:01:32,910 --> 00:01:35,910 Sod this, let's go from the beginning. 50 00:01:38,410 --> 00:01:41,443 [upbeat piano music] 51 00:02:05,143 --> 00:02:06,243 Another one? 52 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,176 Not for me, Ray. I'm on in 10. 53 00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:10,543 You see, I've timed it to perfection. 54 00:02:10,676 --> 00:02:12,143 If I start running now, 55 00:02:12,276 --> 00:02:15,610 I can clear Soho, pirouette past the Lyceum, 56 00:02:15,743 --> 00:02:18,943 ascend the bendy bridge, jump onto the South Bank, 57 00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:22,676 and just sashay into the Globe in exactly nine minutes. 58 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:25,510 Marvellous. Simply spot on. 59 00:02:25,643 --> 00:02:28,343 Go knock them dead, young Cliff Bonanza. 60 00:02:28,476 --> 00:02:30,710 There'll be one in the pipe for your return. 61 00:02:30,843 --> 00:02:31,610 Okay. 62 00:02:32,643 --> 00:02:35,010 God, I envy the boy. 63 00:02:35,143 --> 00:02:38,176 Off he goes to speak the greatest verse ever written, 64 00:02:38,310 --> 00:02:41,410 delivered proudly upon the most hallowed timber that is 65 00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:43,110 the Globe Theatre. 66 00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:46,243 I know if I didn't have to hand over 90% of my income 67 00:02:46,376 --> 00:02:51,110 for child support to some actress I hadn't seen since 1979, 68 00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:53,110 wasn't burdened with a sizable mortgage, 69 00:02:53,210 --> 00:02:56,910 or taken a semi-regular role in Boone, 70 00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:58,776 I too would be stood alongside him 71 00:02:58,910 --> 00:03:01,210 on that most prestigious of stages. 72 00:03:01,343 --> 00:03:03,576 Wouldn't we all, Cocker Boo? 73 00:03:03,710 --> 00:03:08,510 You know, I feel an actor cannot truly call himself an actor 74 00:03:10,643 --> 00:03:12,610 until he's performed at the Globe. 75 00:03:12,743 --> 00:03:14,910 [Cocker] Couldn't agree with you more, Purchase. 76 00:03:15,110 --> 00:03:17,110 [Ray] Remind me, Toast. 77 00:03:17,176 --> 00:03:19,376 When was the last time you performed at the Globe? 78 00:03:21,343 --> 00:03:23,743 [clock ticks] 79 00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:26,376 [Toast grunts] 80 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,243 Sorry, Toast. We didn't hear you. 81 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,843 Could you project? 82 00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:32,243 [all laugh] 83 00:03:39,343 --> 00:03:40,843 Why have you got three fans, Jane? 84 00:03:40,976 --> 00:03:42,976 It's ridiculously hot. 85 00:03:45,576 --> 00:03:48,143 I was so embarrassed by Ray Purchase. 86 00:03:48,276 --> 00:03:49,843 I had to leave the club immediately. 87 00:03:49,976 --> 00:03:52,843 Ooh. Could it get any hotter, Toast? 88 00:03:52,976 --> 00:03:54,910 According to Radio Four, 89 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:58,010 we're currently experiencing the hottest weather 90 00:03:58,143 --> 00:03:59,610 since weather began. 91 00:03:59,743 --> 00:04:00,910 Why are you shouting, Jane? 92 00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:02,743 How did that play go? 93 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,610 -Why are you shouting, Jane? -What? 94 00:04:05,943 --> 00:04:08,410 These fans are silent. You don't need to shout. 95 00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:11,876 How do you get on in that radio comedy show? 96 00:04:12,010 --> 00:04:12,910 Good audience? 97 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,776 Might be a problem with that show. 98 00:04:15,910 --> 00:04:17,610 There was some people in wheelchairs at the front 99 00:04:17,743 --> 00:04:19,010 that I found particularly distracting, 100 00:04:19,143 --> 00:04:20,110 so I had them removed. 101 00:04:20,210 --> 00:04:21,110 I see. 102 00:04:22,343 --> 00:04:25,143 Hang on. That's dreadful behaviour. 103 00:04:25,276 --> 00:04:26,643 Kicking members of the audience out, 104 00:04:26,776 --> 00:04:28,610 just because they're in wheelchairs? 105 00:04:28,743 --> 00:04:30,276 No, not because they're in wheelchairs, Jane. 106 00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:32,176 Because I found them distracting. 107 00:04:32,310 --> 00:04:35,110 That could be the least politically correct thing 108 00:04:35,210 --> 00:04:37,510 anyone has ever done ever. 109 00:04:37,643 --> 00:04:41,976 Remember, Toast, the PC police are everywhere these days. 110 00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:45,176 The what? Well, who cares? 111 00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:47,976 Ray bloody Purchase publicly humiliated me, 112 00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:51,576 and for once, I had no comeback. 113 00:04:51,710 --> 00:04:52,943 [Jane] Well, you know what they say. 114 00:04:53,110 --> 00:04:55,176 An actor cannot really call himself an actor 115 00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:56,843 -until he's performed- -Performed at the Globe. 116 00:04:56,976 --> 00:05:01,143 I know. Which is why you are gonna get me into the Globe. 117 00:05:02,276 --> 00:05:03,543 I'm what? 118 00:05:03,676 --> 00:05:06,710 You are gonna get me into the Globe. 119 00:05:06,843 --> 00:05:08,943 They've all performed there. 120 00:05:09,110 --> 00:05:12,776 Kay Tightneck, Cocker Boo, Peanut Whistle, Una Length, 121 00:05:12,910 --> 00:05:15,943 Dick Weerdly, Sal Commotion, Scott Chestnut, 122 00:05:16,110 --> 00:05:19,243 Basil Watchfair, Iqbal Achieve, Nan Slack, 123 00:05:19,376 --> 00:05:22,476 Giuseppe Race, even Heathcote Pursuit. 124 00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:24,976 Every single one all performed at the Globe. 125 00:05:25,110 --> 00:05:26,876 [Jane] It won't be easy, Toast. 126 00:05:27,010 --> 00:05:29,410 You'll have to impress Daz Klondyke. 127 00:05:29,543 --> 00:05:32,110 He's taken over as creative director literally this morning. 128 00:05:32,210 --> 00:05:34,343 Yeah. I had heard a rumour. 129 00:05:34,476 --> 00:05:38,143 He is possibly the hottest, most controversial director 130 00:05:38,276 --> 00:05:39,343 in the biz right now. 131 00:05:39,476 --> 00:05:41,310 Enfant terrible, literally. 132 00:05:41,443 --> 00:05:43,543 The terrible child of British theatre. 133 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,543 What, he's literally a child? 134 00:05:45,676 --> 00:05:46,676 Of course he's not a child. 135 00:05:46,810 --> 00:05:48,810 I'm translating from the French. 136 00:05:48,943 --> 00:05:50,543 He is a genius though. 137 00:05:50,676 --> 00:05:52,576 His production of The Sound Of Music at the Royal Court 138 00:05:52,710 --> 00:05:53,976 was sensational. 139 00:05:54,110 --> 00:05:55,510 [Toast] It wasn't, Jane. It was pornographic. 140 00:05:55,643 --> 00:05:57,110 The man got arrested. 141 00:05:57,176 --> 00:06:00,676 So? So did Oscar Wilde. Didn't do him any harm, did it? 142 00:06:01,843 --> 00:06:03,443 Yes, it did. 143 00:06:03,576 --> 00:06:06,943 Anyway. Klondyke's really gonna shake up the Globe. 144 00:06:07,110 --> 00:06:10,376 He loves trying Shakespeare in radically different ways. 145 00:06:10,510 --> 00:06:11,376 I'll call him now. 146 00:06:12,710 --> 00:06:14,110 India, Daz Klondyke. Patch me through. 147 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,543 You may not want to be here when I do this. 148 00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,110 No, you just carry on. 149 00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:19,510 Then I'll know that you've definitely done it. 150 00:06:19,643 --> 00:06:22,810 Daz, how are you? 151 00:06:22,943 --> 00:06:24,976 Settling into your little house on the Thames? 152 00:06:25,110 --> 00:06:26,576 Marvellous. 153 00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:27,943 Now I've got another actor I'd like you to see. 154 00:06:28,110 --> 00:06:30,676 He's a bit older. Older than that. 155 00:06:30,810 --> 00:06:33,210 Quite a bit older. Way older. 156 00:06:33,343 --> 00:06:34,110 -Get on- -[Jane] His name 157 00:06:34,210 --> 00:06:37,010 is Steven Toast. 158 00:06:37,143 --> 00:06:38,710 Know the name, can't picture the face. 159 00:06:38,843 --> 00:06:40,810 Have you got a Spotlight Directory in front of you? 160 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:42,576 -God. -Oh, you're looking at it. 161 00:06:43,876 --> 00:06:45,276 Looks like a dog. Yes. That's him. 162 00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:46,176 What? 163 00:06:46,310 --> 00:06:49,476 [Jane laughs] 164 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:52,510 Have I thought of entering that picture for Crufts? 165 00:06:52,643 --> 00:06:55,410 Oh dirty one. Naughty. I'll send him round. 166 00:06:55,543 --> 00:06:56,443 Ciao ciao. Bye bye. 167 00:06:59,143 --> 00:06:59,910 Woof woof. 168 00:07:02,576 --> 00:07:04,110 It's bloody hot, Toast. 169 00:07:05,376 --> 00:07:07,176 It's the hottest weather since weather began. 170 00:07:08,876 --> 00:07:09,976 What are you reading, Ed? 171 00:07:10,110 --> 00:07:11,676 It's a movie script. 172 00:07:11,810 --> 00:07:13,343 I've been offered a part. 173 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,276 It's a sequel to something I did years ago, 174 00:07:15,410 --> 00:07:17,543 which I remember as being rather fun. 175 00:07:17,676 --> 00:07:20,010 It's an erotic comedy. 176 00:07:20,143 --> 00:07:21,576 Porn film? 177 00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:23,710 No, Toast. An erotic comedy. 178 00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:25,210 [Toast groans] 179 00:07:25,343 --> 00:07:26,443 New table, Ed? 180 00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:27,610 I'm pleased you noticed. 181 00:07:27,743 --> 00:07:29,576 Yes, it's made from blue spruce. 182 00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,743 Oh, blue spruce? The Scottish wood. 183 00:07:31,876 --> 00:07:33,343 Yes. It's all the rage at the moment. 184 00:07:33,476 --> 00:07:35,410 And these chairs are also made of blue spruce. 185 00:07:35,543 --> 00:07:36,643 Looks great. 186 00:07:36,776 --> 00:07:39,110 It is, though, incredibly flammable. 187 00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:41,710 If there was a fire, the place would go up in seconds, 188 00:07:41,843 --> 00:07:44,243 and with the fire service on strike at the moment, 189 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,510 that could be catastrophic. 190 00:07:45,643 --> 00:07:47,943 Well, let's hope that doesn't happen. 191 00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:52,210 Oh, I see Daz Klondyke has taken over at the Globe. 192 00:07:53,510 --> 00:07:54,710 Oh, that's like Sid Vicious being put 193 00:07:54,843 --> 00:07:56,610 in charge of the Opera House. 194 00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,276 I can't wait to see what he comes up with. 195 00:07:58,410 --> 00:08:00,110 Well, I'll know soon enough. 196 00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:01,810 I'm gonna see him this afternoon. 197 00:08:01,943 --> 00:08:04,110 I used to love treading the boards at the Globe. 198 00:08:04,243 --> 00:08:06,576 Done a few stints in there in my time. 199 00:08:06,710 --> 00:08:08,976 When did you last perform at the Globe, Toast? 200 00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:10,410 I haven't performed at the Globe. 201 00:08:10,543 --> 00:08:12,510 -Not that it's any of your- -What was that? 202 00:08:13,876 --> 00:08:18,276 I said I've never, you know, at the Globe. 203 00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:20,376 Had sex at the Globe? Oh, I have. 204 00:08:20,510 --> 00:08:23,243 No, not had sex. I've never acted there. 205 00:08:23,376 --> 00:08:24,176 Oh. 206 00:08:28,243 --> 00:08:28,910 Ed. 207 00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:30,110 Toast? 208 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,910 Do you think I look like a dog? 209 00:08:32,110 --> 00:08:33,610 Do I think you look like a dog? 210 00:08:35,643 --> 00:08:37,876 [dog whines] 211 00:08:38,010 --> 00:08:38,843 Not really. 212 00:08:41,876 --> 00:08:43,510 Why have you set an extra place at the table? 213 00:08:43,643 --> 00:08:44,676 Ah, that's for Kai. 214 00:08:44,810 --> 00:08:46,010 -Who? -Kai. 215 00:08:46,143 --> 00:08:47,876 He's my cousin's son from Australia. 216 00:08:48,010 --> 00:08:50,210 He's backpacking around Europe. 217 00:08:50,343 --> 00:08:52,310 G'day. I'm Kai. 218 00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:53,943 He actually says g'day. 219 00:08:54,110 --> 00:08:56,110 [Ed] Kai, welcome. Welcome. 220 00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:57,110 Great to see you, Ed. 221 00:08:57,176 --> 00:08:58,676 Kai, this is Steven Toast. 222 00:08:58,810 --> 00:08:59,476 How you doing, mate? 223 00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:00,976 Fuck off. 224 00:09:01,110 --> 00:09:02,310 What? 225 00:09:02,443 --> 00:09:04,543 Sorry, hi. My name's Steven Toast. 226 00:09:04,676 --> 00:09:06,243 [Kai] Ah, you're the other guy that lives here. 227 00:09:06,376 --> 00:09:07,610 Yes. 228 00:09:07,743 --> 00:09:09,543 [Kai] Ed tells me your job's doing voiceovers. 229 00:09:09,676 --> 00:09:11,243 Did he now? 230 00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:14,476 I am an actor who occasionally engages 231 00:09:14,610 --> 00:09:16,376 in audio performances. 232 00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:17,643 He does quite a lot of voiceovers. 233 00:09:17,776 --> 00:09:19,276 That's that sell out, man. 234 00:09:19,410 --> 00:09:21,710 If you're a proper actor, must be a bit like prostitution. 235 00:09:21,843 --> 00:09:22,743 Right, I'm out of here. 236 00:09:22,876 --> 00:09:24,310 Toast is off to the Globe. 237 00:09:24,443 --> 00:09:25,910 -Globe Theatre? -Yes. 238 00:09:26,110 --> 00:09:27,710 They say an actor can't really call himself an actor- 239 00:09:27,843 --> 00:09:29,310 Fuck off. Again. 240 00:09:30,143 --> 00:09:32,210 Oh. Oh. 241 00:09:32,343 --> 00:09:34,676 Ed, I've fallen over with the immense weight 242 00:09:34,810 --> 00:09:36,110 of this backpack. 243 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,910 Yes, but let me deal with something here first. 244 00:09:41,176 --> 00:09:43,743 [upbeat music] 245 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,143 [Chorus] Shakespeare's Globe. 246 00:09:49,376 --> 00:09:51,643 [dog whines] 247 00:09:51,776 --> 00:09:54,310 You really do look like a dog. 248 00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:57,110 Seeing your photo gave me an idea. 249 00:09:57,210 --> 00:09:58,643 Have you done much theatre, Toast? 250 00:09:58,776 --> 00:10:00,276 My life is theatre. 251 00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:03,076 [Daz] Okay. But you never performed at the Globe. 252 00:10:03,210 --> 00:10:05,143 I mean, they say an actor cannot really call himself 253 00:10:05,276 --> 00:10:06,110 -an actor- -Until you performed 254 00:10:06,243 --> 00:10:07,443 at the Globe. 255 00:10:07,576 --> 00:10:08,376 What? 256 00:10:08,510 --> 00:10:09,343 Nothing. 257 00:10:11,243 --> 00:10:14,210 This desk, is it made of blue spruce? 258 00:10:14,343 --> 00:10:17,243 It is. Well spotted. I'm impressed. 259 00:10:17,376 --> 00:10:19,143 Let's get down to brass tacks. 260 00:10:19,276 --> 00:10:20,510 Here's the thing: 261 00:10:20,643 --> 00:10:22,610 as you know, I've got a bit of a reputation 262 00:10:22,743 --> 00:10:24,610 as a pretty shit-hot left wing director, 263 00:10:24,743 --> 00:10:26,543 who's been brought in to bury his foot 264 00:10:26,676 --> 00:10:28,643 in Shakespeare's ass. 265 00:10:28,776 --> 00:10:30,243 [Toast] Yep. I'd heard that. 266 00:10:30,376 --> 00:10:31,043 [Daz] So, I'm thinking of kicking off the season 267 00:10:31,176 --> 00:10:32,443 with 12th Night. 268 00:10:32,576 --> 00:10:34,076 -Great play. -[Daz] Yeah. 269 00:10:34,210 --> 00:10:35,843 And I'm gonna do it with dogs. 270 00:10:35,976 --> 00:10:37,943 What? 271 00:10:38,076 --> 00:10:39,743 Did you say you're going to do it with dogs? 272 00:10:39,876 --> 00:10:40,810 Mostly dogs. 273 00:10:40,943 --> 00:10:42,343 You're gonna use dogs as actors? 274 00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:43,676 Yeah. I need to be radical. 275 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,310 Things have got pretty stale around here. 276 00:10:45,443 --> 00:10:48,110 I want this to be a metaphor for what's happening in Syria. 277 00:10:48,243 --> 00:10:49,476 But dogs can't act. 278 00:10:49,610 --> 00:10:51,076 They said that about women, 279 00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,210 and then I put on an all female production of Julius Caesar 280 00:10:53,343 --> 00:10:55,376 at the Donmar, and it was a complete triumph. 281 00:10:55,510 --> 00:10:58,176 Yeah, but dogs really can't act. 282 00:10:58,310 --> 00:11:00,110 I mean, I don't even think they can talk. 283 00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:01,676 [Daz] Did you hear what I said? 284 00:11:01,810 --> 00:11:04,743 It's mostly dogs. Not all dogs. That'd be fucking mental. 285 00:11:04,876 --> 00:11:07,443 But you, as a human being who looks like a dog, 286 00:11:07,576 --> 00:11:10,243 would be perfect to act alongside the other dogs. 287 00:11:10,376 --> 00:11:12,876 So I just need a couple of actors who look like dogs. 288 00:11:13,010 --> 00:11:16,110 An older dog, you, and a young pup. 289 00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,176 Come in. 290 00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:21,310 [upbeat music] 291 00:11:21,443 --> 00:11:23,343 [Kai] Ed sent me. You forgot your pipe. 292 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:25,943 You'll do. 293 00:11:26,910 --> 00:11:28,310 What? 294 00:11:28,443 --> 00:11:29,543 This prick? 295 00:11:29,676 --> 00:11:30,576 He's not even an actor. 296 00:11:30,710 --> 00:11:31,576 Perfect. 297 00:11:35,910 --> 00:11:38,610 [Toast grunting] 298 00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:41,110 Woof. 299 00:11:44,110 --> 00:11:45,610 [Mrs. Purchase] Did you just bark there, 300 00:11:45,743 --> 00:11:47,010 as you reached your vinegar stroke? 301 00:11:47,143 --> 00:11:50,976 [Toast] Did I? Must have dogs on the brain. 302 00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:53,910 It's Daz bloody Klondyke and his talking dog play. 303 00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:56,476 How brave of him to do a play with dogs. 304 00:11:56,610 --> 00:11:57,710 Typical Klondyke. 305 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,210 He loves working with non-actors. 306 00:11:59,343 --> 00:12:01,610 And I'm not surprised you're in it, 307 00:12:01,743 --> 00:12:04,176 because you do look exactly like a dog. 308 00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:07,010 Mm. New bed, Mrs. P? 309 00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:10,476 Yes. Everything's made of blue spruce. 310 00:12:10,610 --> 00:12:12,276 -It's all the rage. -All the rage now. 311 00:12:12,410 --> 00:12:13,743 Yes, I know. 312 00:12:13,876 --> 00:12:16,510 Anyway, I got what I came for. 313 00:12:16,643 --> 00:12:17,343 Charming. 314 00:12:17,476 --> 00:12:18,710 [Toast] Off to rehearse. 315 00:12:20,110 --> 00:12:23,143 Maybe I should pick up some dog food for lunch. 316 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,910 [both laughing] 317 00:12:30,976 --> 00:12:33,110 [Mrs. Purchase] Tummy any better, Ray? 318 00:12:33,243 --> 00:12:35,010 Not too good, darling. 319 00:12:35,143 --> 00:12:37,143 Bloody left over lasagna. 320 00:12:37,276 --> 00:12:39,010 Always makes my guts dance. 321 00:12:40,743 --> 00:12:41,710 I need to lie still. 322 00:12:43,310 --> 00:12:44,676 I think something's burning. 323 00:12:45,810 --> 00:12:48,676 [whimsical jingle] 324 00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:53,410 [upbeat music] 325 00:12:54,743 --> 00:12:57,110 What's this? I thought we were rehearsing. 326 00:12:57,176 --> 00:13:00,210 Nah. This is the photo shoot for the poster. 327 00:13:00,343 --> 00:13:02,110 We can rehearse later. 328 00:13:02,176 --> 00:13:04,243 More important to drum up business for the show 329 00:13:04,376 --> 00:13:05,876 with a sexy poster. 330 00:13:06,010 --> 00:13:08,110 So, who are these? The other actors? 331 00:13:08,176 --> 00:13:09,810 No, they're just models. 332 00:13:09,943 --> 00:13:11,443 No one gives a fuck who's in Shakespeare, 333 00:13:11,576 --> 00:13:12,910 as long as everyone looks good 334 00:13:13,110 --> 00:13:15,310 and the posters are eye-catching. 335 00:13:15,443 --> 00:13:16,376 Why don't you take a break? 336 00:13:16,510 --> 00:13:18,010 Come back at say 12:30? 337 00:13:19,176 --> 00:13:20,510 But that's two hours. 338 00:13:26,410 --> 00:13:27,876 Hello? 339 00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:28,810 Hello? 340 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,010 What? 341 00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,543 Leester square? 342 00:13:34,143 --> 00:13:35,176 Leester square? What the fuck are you talking about? 343 00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:39,110 Oh. Leestar square. 344 00:13:39,176 --> 00:13:41,010 Leester square. What, do you mean Leicester Square? 345 00:13:41,143 --> 00:13:42,710 -Yes. -Yeah. 346 00:13:42,843 --> 00:13:44,410 Yes. Yes. 347 00:13:44,543 --> 00:13:45,943 Why didn't you fucking say that? 348 00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:47,876 [Tourist] Please help me? 349 00:13:48,010 --> 00:13:49,576 [Toast] Help you? 350 00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:51,243 Wasted my fucking time when I'm walking down the street. 351 00:13:51,376 --> 00:13:53,110 It's a disgrace. 352 00:13:53,243 --> 00:13:55,810 [mellow music] 353 00:13:59,610 --> 00:14:00,943 [Toast] What? 354 00:14:01,110 --> 00:14:04,310 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 355 00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:06,243 What is this, some kind of Roman orgy? 356 00:14:06,376 --> 00:14:07,743 You need to have a word, please. 357 00:14:07,876 --> 00:14:08,910 [Waitress] I'm really sorry. 358 00:14:09,110 --> 00:14:09,943 I bet you are. 359 00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:11,210 [Waitress] I'm really sorry. 360 00:14:11,343 --> 00:14:13,176 It's disturbing the other customers. 361 00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,110 Out. 362 00:14:25,843 --> 00:14:26,610 Excuse me. 363 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:41,543 Is that reception? The air conditioning is broken. 364 00:14:41,676 --> 00:14:43,343 It's really hot outside. 365 00:14:43,476 --> 00:14:45,943 Could you send someone up right away, please? 366 00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:53,843 Bloody hell, that was quick. 367 00:14:55,410 --> 00:14:58,443 I hope you've got the right tool for the job, boy. 368 00:14:58,576 --> 00:15:00,910 Oh, I think I've got everything covered. 369 00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:05,943 No, no, no, no, no. 370 00:15:06,110 --> 00:15:07,476 -Excuse me. -[Man] Watch it. 371 00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:11,210 [Chorus] Shakespeare's Globe. 372 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:13,943 Okay, act three, scene one, from, 373 00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:17,010 "I would play Lord Panderus of Phrygia, sir, 374 00:15:17,143 --> 00:15:20,110 to bring a Cressida to this Troilus." 375 00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,510 [dog pants] 376 00:15:24,176 --> 00:15:25,476 In your own time. 377 00:15:25,610 --> 00:15:28,310 [Kai whistles] 378 00:15:28,443 --> 00:15:29,376 Must you do that? 379 00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:31,010 Hmm? 380 00:15:31,143 --> 00:15:31,810 Haven't you got some lines to learn or something? 381 00:15:31,943 --> 00:15:33,476 No. 382 00:15:33,610 --> 00:15:35,110 Daza says I should just get a sense of the scene, 383 00:15:35,176 --> 00:15:38,476 and then sort of allow myself into it. 384 00:15:38,610 --> 00:15:39,743 Might be something you should look at, 385 00:15:39,876 --> 00:15:41,710 because if you don't mind me saying, 386 00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:44,210 you come across a bit of an arsehole. 387 00:15:44,343 --> 00:15:45,143 You what? 388 00:15:46,710 --> 00:15:49,243 [Daz] Okay. Don't worry. You will get it. 389 00:15:51,143 --> 00:15:54,310 We're having a few teething problems with the dogs. 390 00:15:54,443 --> 00:15:56,576 Sorry, fellas. You can take a break. 391 00:15:58,576 --> 00:16:01,710 It's a challenge. They're dogs, for fuck's sake. 392 00:16:01,843 --> 00:16:02,710 Right. 393 00:16:02,843 --> 00:16:04,343 [Daz] Now, this is radical. 394 00:16:04,476 --> 00:16:06,110 Your characters, they're kind of similar, don't you think? 395 00:16:06,176 --> 00:16:07,276 Plus we never see them appear together. 396 00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:10,176 -No. -So, I'm gonna combine them. 397 00:16:10,310 --> 00:16:11,276 You're gonna what? 398 00:16:12,476 --> 00:16:14,110 How's it feel in there, guys? 399 00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:16,643 -[Toast] Fucking degrading. -Great. 400 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:17,643 Toast? 401 00:16:17,776 --> 00:16:18,710 [Toast] I said it's great. 402 00:16:20,743 --> 00:16:23,410 [indistinct chatter] 403 00:16:23,543 --> 00:16:25,010 All right, chaps? 404 00:16:25,143 --> 00:16:27,010 Don't know whose round it is, but make mine a large one. 405 00:16:27,143 --> 00:16:29,710 God, it's tiring, rehearsing at the Globe. 406 00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:33,810 Do you wanna bone to go with that, Toast? 407 00:16:33,943 --> 00:16:35,710 A bone? What are you talking about? 408 00:16:35,843 --> 00:16:37,610 All right, fellas, it's my shout. 409 00:16:37,743 --> 00:16:40,476 Straight glass, Toast, or would you prefer a bowl? 410 00:16:41,643 --> 00:16:43,110 [all laughing] 411 00:16:43,243 --> 00:16:44,576 Bowl? What the? 412 00:16:44,710 --> 00:16:47,010 [Ray barks] 413 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,176 Oh my God. 414 00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:54,143 [whimsical jingle] 415 00:16:59,376 --> 00:17:00,910 [Daz] No, more distortion. 416 00:17:01,110 --> 00:17:03,810 I told you, I wanna be able to smell the disdain. 417 00:17:05,176 --> 00:17:06,610 The audience won't even see my face. 418 00:17:06,743 --> 00:17:08,143 I'm playing the arse end of the dog. 419 00:17:08,276 --> 00:17:09,943 Okay, but they will be able to sense it. 420 00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:12,676 The people who come to see my show, they are not idiots. 421 00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:15,643 Look, we are really getting somewhere, Toast. 422 00:17:15,776 --> 00:17:17,543 The dogs are really getting into it now, 423 00:17:17,676 --> 00:17:20,410 and this could be my greatest ever production. 424 00:17:20,543 --> 00:17:23,443 And I honestly think could go some way 425 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,576 to solving the problems in the Middle East. 426 00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:29,110 And hey, we've still got three weeks, two days 427 00:17:29,176 --> 00:17:31,776 and seven seven hours to opening night. 428 00:17:31,910 --> 00:17:35,110 This is gonna be fantastic. 429 00:17:37,443 --> 00:17:40,110 No, it's no good. Kai, fire the dogs. 430 00:17:40,243 --> 00:17:41,843 But the dogs are the coolest thing about it. 431 00:17:41,976 --> 00:17:44,510 [Daz] Of course they weren't, you kangaroo cunt. 432 00:17:44,643 --> 00:17:48,010 Damn things never listened to me. It was a crazy idea. 433 00:17:48,143 --> 00:17:51,776 Why didn't you try and stop me? Huh? 434 00:17:51,910 --> 00:17:55,876 What? Too busy trying to get the Globe on your CV? 435 00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:58,110 We could all be ruined, 436 00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,443 so if anyone can think of anything, 437 00:18:01,576 --> 00:18:04,776 now would definitely be the time to step forward. 438 00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:11,643 [mellow music] 439 00:18:11,776 --> 00:18:13,243 What? 440 00:18:13,376 --> 00:18:16,410 Well, we are in an ancient wooden structure. 441 00:18:18,443 --> 00:18:20,743 That desk is made of blue spruce, 442 00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:22,943 which as you know, 443 00:18:23,110 --> 00:18:25,210 is the most flammable substance known to man. 444 00:18:25,343 --> 00:18:28,210 And the fire brigade are still on strike. 445 00:18:28,343 --> 00:18:33,176 So, suppose I were to lay my lit pipe right there. 446 00:18:36,343 --> 00:18:38,110 What do you think might happen? 447 00:18:41,276 --> 00:18:44,110 Gentlemen, I think we should leave. 448 00:18:44,243 --> 00:18:47,710 [rapid footsteps] 449 00:18:47,843 --> 00:18:50,810 [fire crackles] 450 00:18:50,943 --> 00:18:52,610 [Reporter] The British theatrical world has been reeling 451 00:18:52,743 --> 00:18:56,110 after the world Famous Globe Theatre burned down in a fire, 452 00:18:56,243 --> 00:18:58,143 which the police are treating as arson. 453 00:18:58,276 --> 00:19:00,876 The globe theatre is, or was, 454 00:19:02,910 --> 00:19:04,343 one of the jewels in the crown 455 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,610 of the British theatre community. 456 00:19:06,743 --> 00:19:09,176 I can't believe that an actor would've done 457 00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:10,810 something so dreadful. 458 00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:12,876 I would suspect they won't be an actor for much longer. 459 00:19:13,010 --> 00:19:14,976 We all love the Globe. 460 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,210 Well, I've only just heard. It's absolutely unspeakable. 461 00:19:17,343 --> 00:19:18,543 I don't know what to think. 462 00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:21,410 I think every actor in the country is appalled 463 00:19:21,543 --> 00:19:23,843 that a theatre like the Globe can go down 464 00:19:23,976 --> 00:19:26,476 all because of one man's vanity. 465 00:19:26,610 --> 00:19:29,110 He's disrespected the craft of acting. 466 00:19:29,176 --> 00:19:30,710 He's disrespected Shakespeare. 467 00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:33,276 -It's appalling. -It's a tragedy. 468 00:19:33,410 --> 00:19:35,243 -What a wanker. -Utterly pathetic. 469 00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:39,610 Some colossal twat has burnt it down. 470 00:19:43,110 --> 00:19:45,810 [fingers tapping] 471 00:19:47,210 --> 00:19:48,376 [Toast groans] 472 00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:49,976 Jane. 473 00:19:50,110 --> 00:19:51,510 What the bloody hell were you thinking, Toast? 474 00:19:51,643 --> 00:19:53,576 You clownish pyro. 475 00:19:53,710 --> 00:19:55,110 -Now, hang on. -[Jane] Shut up. 476 00:19:55,243 --> 00:19:56,910 Arsonist. 477 00:19:57,110 --> 00:19:59,476 Steven Gonville Toast, 478 00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:02,243 the man who never performed at the Globe Theatre, 479 00:20:02,376 --> 00:20:06,043 then, in a fit of jealousy, burnt the bloody thing down. 480 00:20:06,176 --> 00:20:07,043 [Toast] No, it didn't happen like that. 481 00:20:07,176 --> 00:20:08,676 But that's what they'll say. 482 00:20:08,810 --> 00:20:12,710 The Globe's been there since 1599. 483 00:20:12,843 --> 00:20:15,010 What were you scared of? Getting a bad review? 484 00:20:15,143 --> 00:20:16,343 -No. -When other actors 485 00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,443 get bad reviews, their reaction is not normally 486 00:20:18,576 --> 00:20:20,843 to burn down the theatre. 487 00:20:20,976 --> 00:20:23,410 You're lucky we were able to blame young Kai. 488 00:20:23,543 --> 00:20:25,210 God rest his soul. 489 00:20:25,343 --> 00:20:27,676 But you won't be able to weasel out of this one, Toast, 490 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:31,376 because everyone in the business knows it was you. 491 00:20:31,510 --> 00:20:33,010 It wasn't like that. 492 00:20:33,143 --> 00:20:37,310 Poor Daz Klondyke got his leg caught under a burning beam. 493 00:20:37,443 --> 00:20:40,043 He may never walk again. 494 00:20:40,176 --> 00:20:43,676 -Who cares? -You burnt down the Globe. 495 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:48,610 Thus, almost causing the second great fire of London. 496 00:20:50,043 --> 00:20:51,576 I'll probably never work again. 497 00:20:52,910 --> 00:20:54,710 Why are you holding a letter aloft, Jane? 498 00:20:54,843 --> 00:20:58,010 It's for you. It was delivered personally this afternoon. 499 00:20:58,143 --> 00:20:58,843 What is it? 500 00:20:58,976 --> 00:21:00,243 It's a fine. 501 00:21:00,376 --> 00:21:01,510 A fine, for how much? 502 00:21:01,643 --> 00:21:03,643 1000 pounds. 503 00:21:03,776 --> 00:21:07,110 But that's all the money I have. Who's it from? 504 00:21:07,210 --> 00:21:08,943 [Jane] The PC police. 505 00:21:09,110 --> 00:21:10,543 What, they actually exist? 506 00:21:10,676 --> 00:21:12,743 Of course they bloody exist. They're everywhere. 507 00:21:12,876 --> 00:21:14,243 What's the fine for? 508 00:21:15,443 --> 00:21:18,110 [Jane] Throwing disabled audience members 509 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,310 out of a recording. 510 00:21:19,443 --> 00:21:20,710 Oh. 511 00:21:20,843 --> 00:21:23,710 [Jane] Abusing a foreign tourist on the street. 512 00:21:23,843 --> 00:21:27,110 [mellow music] 513 00:21:27,176 --> 00:21:30,643 Complaining about a woman breastfeeding in public. 514 00:21:32,343 --> 00:21:35,310 And being seen going into a porn theatre. 515 00:21:36,976 --> 00:21:39,476 Well, that's it. I'm finished. 516 00:21:39,610 --> 00:21:42,410 Oh, and one more thing. 517 00:21:42,543 --> 00:21:45,110 [upbeat rock music] 518 00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:48,110 * For 15 years I've stared at your face * 519 00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:49,443 25, actually. 520 00:21:49,576 --> 00:21:53,510 * I've listened to your shit with good grace * 521 00:21:53,643 --> 00:21:58,510 * But I really cannot take any more * 522 00:21:58,643 --> 00:22:03,243 * It's time to take your face off the wall * 523 00:22:03,376 --> 00:22:08,210 * No, please don't take my face off the wall * 524 00:22:09,610 --> 00:22:13,243 * If you do, then I'll have nothing at all * 525 00:22:14,643 --> 00:22:18,310 * I beg you, Jane, I plead, I implore * 526 00:22:18,443 --> 00:22:23,310 * So, please don't take my face off the wall * 527 00:22:26,110 --> 00:22:27,343 Would you like this? 528 00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,810 Or shall I throw it straight in the bin? 529 00:22:29,943 --> 00:22:31,710 You can't fire me, Jane. 530 00:22:31,843 --> 00:22:34,410 Apart from Ed, you're all I have. 531 00:22:34,543 --> 00:22:37,310 Well then, maybe Ed can get you a job. 532 00:22:39,110 --> 00:22:41,710 [glass smashes] 533 00:22:44,310 --> 00:22:46,976 [upbeat dance music] 534 00:22:47,110 --> 00:22:48,676 It's quite urgent. 535 00:22:48,810 --> 00:22:51,476 So, could you send someone straight away, please? 536 00:22:51,610 --> 00:22:52,410 Thank you. 537 00:22:53,843 --> 00:22:56,476 Blimey. That was quick. 538 00:22:56,610 --> 00:22:58,110 The boss said it was a two-man job, 539 00:22:58,176 --> 00:22:59,410 so I brought my assistant. 540 00:23:01,143 --> 00:23:02,110 He's a virgin. 541 00:23:04,210 --> 00:23:07,476 [Daz] Cut. Toast, look excited. 542 00:23:07,610 --> 00:23:10,443 I wanna smell the excitement. 543 00:23:10,576 --> 00:23:13,776 Toast, more, more, more, more. 544 00:23:13,910 --> 00:23:16,910 [upbeat piano music] 545 00:23:20,743 --> 00:23:23,343 * So take my hand * 546 00:23:23,476 --> 00:23:28,276 * We'll disappear to a pub that's not too far from here * 547 00:23:29,676 --> 00:23:32,743 * No, I don't know you and you don't know me * 548 00:23:32,876 --> 00:23:36,843 * I just had to talk to you, you see * 549 00:23:36,976 --> 00:23:39,810 * So take my hand *