[whimsical jingle]
-That's a cool hat. -Hmm.
-You DJing tonight? -Oh yeah.
Dropping some MP3 bombs down at hiphop karaoke.
-[Clem] What? The social? -No, no.
Above the multistory car park by the west way.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you got any candies?
Yeah, I've got loads. Yeah. How many do you want?
[Danny] Just a few.
I'm pulling an all nighter, so I'm thinking six?
[Toast] Can we get on with this?
Have I gotta sit and listen to you two
talk about leg warmers all day?
Sorry, man.
Oh, Steven, do you wanna cup of tea before we start?
There's hell of a lot to get through.
You're not lying.
Jesus Christ. I mean what the hell is this? The Bible?
Well, that's exactly what it is.
We're recording an audio book of the Bible.
What, your agent not tell you?
No, she didn't.
And if she had have told me I'd be reading the Bible,
I wouldn't have fucking agreed to it.
Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
Not really, cock.
Not with all this Bible paper soundproofing the booth.
Oh, cheers Louise.
Oh, just a sec. Which cup is Steven's?
Well, just leave them here.
I'll take it into him.
The fuck?
[Clem] What, are you fucking kidding me?
Those pills are intense. He'll be chewing the carpet.
I better put another one in then, eh?
[Clem cackling]
[Toast] Oi. Where's my cup of tea?
Coming.
[whimsical jingle]
[upbeat dance music]
This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read.
It's better than Shakespeare.
His ass was beautiful. I'll read this one again.
Are we rolling?
I love you.
Ha ha, and I love you.
Did I tell you that I love you?
Sod this, let's go from the beginning.
[upbeat piano music]
Another one?
Not for me, Ray. I'm on in 10.
You see, I've timed it to perfection.
If I start running now,
I can clear Soho, pirouette past the Lyceum,
ascend the bendy bridge, jump onto the South Bank,
and just sashay into the Globe in exactly nine minutes.
Marvellous. Simply spot on.
Go knock them dead, young Cliff Bonanza.
There'll be one in the pipe for your return.
Okay.
God, I envy the boy.
Off he goes to speak the greatest verse ever written,
delivered proudly upon the most hallowed timber that is
the Globe Theatre.
I know if I didn't have to hand over 90% of my income
for child support to some actress I hadn't seen since 1979,
wasn't burdened with a sizable mortgage,
or taken a semi-regular role in Boone,
I too would be stood alongside him
on that most prestigious of stages.
Wouldn't we all, Cocker Boo?
You know, I feel an actor cannot truly call himself an actor
until he's performed at the Globe.
[Cocker] Couldn't agree with you more, Purchase.
[Ray] Remind me, Toast.
When was the last time you performed at the Globe?
[clock ticks]
[Toast grunts]
Sorry, Toast. We didn't hear you.
Could you project?
[all laugh]
Why have you got three fans, Jane?
It's ridiculously hot.
I was so embarrassed by Ray Purchase.
I had to leave the club immediately.
Ooh. Could it get any hotter, Toast?
According to Radio Four,
we're currently experiencing the hottest weather
since weather began.
Why are you shouting, Jane?
How did that play go?
-Why are you shouting, Jane? -What?
These fans are silent. You don't need to shout.
How do you get on in that radio comedy show?
Good audience?
Might be a problem with that show.
There was some people in wheelchairs at the front
that I found particularly distracting,
so I had them removed.
I see.
Hang on. That's dreadful behaviour.
Kicking members of the audience out,
just because they're in wheelchairs?
No, not because they're in wheelchairs, Jane.
Because I found them distracting.
That could be the least politically correct thing
anyone has ever done ever.
Remember, Toast, the PC police are everywhere these days.
The what? Well, who cares?
Ray bloody Purchase publicly humiliated me,
and for once, I had no comeback.
[Jane] Well, you know what they say.
An actor cannot really call himself an actor
-until he's performed- -Performed at the Globe.
I know. Which is why you are gonna get me into the Globe.
I'm what?
You are gonna get me into the Globe.
They've all performed there.
Kay Tightneck, Cocker Boo, Peanut Whistle, Una Length,
Dick Weerdly, Sal Commotion, Scott Chestnut,
Basil Watchfair, Iqbal Achieve, Nan Slack,
Giuseppe Race, even Heathcote Pursuit.
Every single one all performed at the Globe.
[Jane] It won't be easy, Toast.
You'll have to impress Daz Klondyke.
He's taken over as creative director literally this morning.
Yeah. I had heard a rumour.
He is possibly the hottest, most controversial director
in the biz right now.
Enfant terrible, literally.
The terrible child of British theatre.
What, he's literally a child?
Of course he's not a child.
I'm translating from the French.
He is a genius though.
His production of The Sound Of Music at the Royal Court
was sensational.
[Toast] It wasn't, Jane. It was pornographic.
The man got arrested.
So? So did Oscar Wilde. Didn't do him any harm, did it?
Yes, it did.
Anyway. Klondyke's really gonna shake up the Globe.
He loves trying Shakespeare in radically different ways.
I'll call him now.
India, Daz Klondyke. Patch me through.
You may not want to be here when I do this.
No, you just carry on.
Then I'll know that you've definitely done it.
Daz, how are you?
Settling into your little house on the Thames?
Marvellous.
Now I've got another actor I'd like you to see.
He's a bit older. Older than that.
Quite a bit older. Way older.
-Get on- -[Jane] His name
is Steven Toast.
Know the name, can't picture the face.
Have you got a Spotlight Directory in front of you?
-God. -Oh, you're looking at it.
Looks like a dog. Yes. That's him.
What?
[Jane laughs]
Have I thought of entering that picture for Crufts?
Oh dirty one. Naughty. I'll send him round.
Ciao ciao. Bye bye.
Woof woof.
It's bloody hot, Toast.
It's the hottest weather since weather began.
What are you reading, Ed?
It's a movie script.
I've been offered a part.
It's a sequel to something I did years ago,
which I remember as being rather fun.
It's an erotic comedy.
Porn film?
No, Toast. An erotic comedy.
[Toast groans]
New table, Ed?
I'm pleased you noticed.
Yes, it's made from blue spruce.
Oh, blue spruce? The Scottish wood.
Yes. It's all the rage at the moment.
And these chairs are also made of blue spruce.
Looks great.
It is, though, incredibly flammable.
If there was a fire, the place would go up in seconds,
and with the fire service on strike at the moment,
that could be catastrophic.
Well, let's hope that doesn't happen.
Oh, I see Daz Klondyke has taken over at the Globe.
Oh, that's like Sid Vicious being put
in charge of the Opera House.
I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
Well, I'll know soon enough.
I'm gonna see him this afternoon.
I used to love treading the boards at the Globe.
Done a few stints in there in my time.
When did you last perform at the Globe, Toast?
I haven't performed at the Globe.
-Not that it's any of your- -What was that?
I said I've never, you know, at the Globe.
Had sex at the Globe? Oh, I have.
No, not had sex. I've never acted there.
Oh.
Ed.
Toast?
Do you think I look like a dog?
Do I think you look like a dog?
[dog whines]
Not really.
Why have you set an extra place at the table?
Ah, that's for Kai.
-Who? -Kai.
He's my cousin's son from Australia.
He's backpacking around Europe.
G'day. I'm Kai.
He actually says g'day.
[Ed] Kai, welcome. Welcome.
Great to see you, Ed.
Kai, this is Steven Toast.
How you doing, mate?
Fuck off.
What?
Sorry, hi. My name's Steven Toast.
[Kai] Ah, you're the other guy that lives here.
Yes.
[Kai] Ed tells me your job's doing voiceovers.
Did he now?
I am an actor who occasionally engages
in audio performances.
He does quite a lot of voiceovers.
That's that sell out, man.
If you're a proper actor, must be a bit like prostitution.
Right, I'm out of here.
Toast is off to the Globe.
-Globe Theatre? -Yes.
They say an actor can't really call himself an actor-
Fuck off. Again.
Oh. Oh.
Ed, I've fallen over with the immense weight
of this backpack.
Yes, but let me deal with something here first.
[upbeat music]
[Chorus] Shakespeare's Globe.
[dog whines]
You really do look like a dog.
Seeing your photo gave me an idea.
Have you done much theatre, Toast?
My life is theatre.
[Daz] Okay. But you never performed at the Globe.
I mean, they say an actor cannot really call himself
-an actor- -Until you performed
at the Globe.
What?
Nothing.
This desk, is it made of blue spruce?
It is. Well spotted. I'm impressed.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
Here's the thing:
as you know, I've got a bit of a reputation
as a pretty shit-hot left wing director,
who's been brought in to bury his foot
in Shakespeare's ass.
[Toast] Yep. I'd heard that.
[Daz] So, I'm thinking of kicking off the season
with 12th Night.
-Great play. -[Daz] Yeah.
And I'm gonna do it with dogs.
What?
Did you say you're going to do it with dogs?
Mostly dogs.
You're gonna use dogs as actors?
Yeah. I need to be radical.
Things have got pretty stale around here.
I want this to be a metaphor for what's happening in Syria.
But dogs can't act.
They said that about women,
and then I put on an all female production of Julius Caesar
at the Donmar, and it was a complete triumph.
Yeah, but dogs really can't act.
I mean, I don't even think they can talk.
[Daz] Did you hear what I said?
It's mostly dogs. Not all dogs. That'd be fucking mental.
But you, as a human being who looks like a dog,
would be perfect to act alongside the other dogs.
So I just need a couple of actors who look like dogs.
An older dog, you, and a young pup.
Come in.
[upbeat music]
[Kai] Ed sent me. You forgot your pipe.
You'll do.
What?
This prick?
He's not even an actor.
Perfect.
[Toast grunting]
Woof.
[Mrs. Purchase] Did you just bark there,
as you reached your vinegar stroke?
[Toast] Did I? Must have dogs on the brain.
It's Daz bloody Klondyke and his talking dog play.
How brave of him to do a play with dogs.
Typical Klondyke.
He loves working with non-actors.
And I'm not surprised you're in it,
because you do look exactly like a dog.
Mm. New bed, Mrs. P?
Yes. Everything's made of blue spruce.
-It's all the rage. -All the rage now.
Yes, I know.
Anyway, I got what I came for.
Charming.
[Toast] Off to rehearse.
Maybe I should pick up some dog food for lunch.
[both laughing]
[Mrs. Purchase] Tummy any better, Ray?
Not too good, darling.
Bloody left over lasagna.
Always makes my guts dance.
I need to lie still.
I think something's burning.
[whimsical jingle]
[upbeat music]
What's this? I thought we were rehearsing.
Nah. This is the photo shoot for the poster.
We can rehearse later.
More important to drum up business for the show
with a sexy poster.
So, who are these? The other actors?
No, they're just models.
No one gives a fuck who's in Shakespeare,
as long as everyone looks good
and the posters are eye-catching.
Why don't you take a break?
Come back at say 12:30?
But that's two hours.
Hello?
What?
Leester square?
Leester square? What the fuck are you talking about?
Oh. Leestar square.
Leester square. What, do you mean Leicester Square?
-Yes. -Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
Why didn't you fucking say that?
[Tourist] Please help me?
[Toast] Help you?
Wasted my fucking time when I'm walking down the street.
It's a disgrace.
[mellow music]
[Toast] What?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What is this, some kind of Roman orgy?
You need to have a word, please.
[Waitress] I'm really sorry.
I bet you are.
[Waitress] I'm really sorry.
It's disturbing the other customers.
Out.
Excuse me.
Is that reception? The air conditioning is broken.
It's really hot outside.
Could you send someone up right away, please?
Bloody hell, that was quick.
I hope you've got the right tool for the job, boy.
Oh, I think I've got everything covered.
No, no, no, no, no.
-Excuse me. -[Man] Watch it.
[Chorus] Shakespeare's Globe.
Okay, act three, scene one, from,
"I would play Lord Panderus of Phrygia, sir,
to bring a Cressida to this Troilus."
[dog pants]
In your own time.
[Kai whistles]
Must you do that?
Hmm?
Haven't you got some lines to learn or something?
No.
Daza says I should just get a sense of the scene,
and then sort of allow myself into it.
Might be something you should look at,
because if you don't mind me saying,
you come across a bit of an arsehole.
You what?
[Daz] Okay. Don't worry. You will get it.
We're having a few teething problems with the dogs.
Sorry, fellas. You can take a break.
It's a challenge. They're dogs, for fuck's sake.
Right.
[Daz] Now, this is radical.
Your characters, they're kind of similar, don't you think?
Plus we never see them appear together.
-No. -So, I'm gonna combine them.
You're gonna what?
How's it feel in there, guys?
-[Toast] Fucking degrading. -Great.
Toast?
[Toast] I said it's great.
[indistinct chatter]
All right, chaps?
Don't know whose round it is, but make mine a large one.
God, it's tiring, rehearsing at the Globe.
Do you wanna bone to go with that, Toast?
A bone? What are you talking about?
All right, fellas, it's my shout.
Straight glass, Toast, or would you prefer a bowl?
[all laughing]
Bowl? What the?
[Ray barks]
Oh my God.
[whimsical jingle]
[Daz] No, more distortion.
I told you, I wanna be able to smell the disdain.
The audience won't even see my face.
I'm playing the arse end of the dog.
Okay, but they will be able to sense it.
The people who come to see my show, they are not idiots.
Look, we are really getting somewhere, Toast.
The dogs are really getting into it now,
and this could be my greatest ever production.
And I honestly think could go some way
to solving the problems in the Middle East.
And hey, we've still got three weeks, two days
and seven seven hours to opening night.
This is gonna be fantastic.
No, it's no good. Kai, fire the dogs.
But the dogs are the coolest thing about it.
[Daz] Of course they weren't, you kangaroo cunt.
Damn things never listened to me. It was a crazy idea.
Why didn't you try and stop me? Huh?
What? Too busy trying to get the Globe on your CV?
We could all be ruined,
so if anyone can think of anything,
now would definitely be the time to step forward.
[mellow music]
What?
Well, we are in an ancient wooden structure.
That desk is made of blue spruce,
which as you know,
is the most flammable substance known to man.
And the fire brigade are still on strike.
So, suppose I were to lay my lit pipe right there.
What do you think might happen?
Gentlemen, I think we should leave.
[rapid footsteps]
[fire crackles]
[Reporter] The British theatrical world has been reeling
after the world Famous Globe Theatre burned down in a fire,
which the police are treating as arson.
The globe theatre is, or was,
one of the jewels in the crown
of the British theatre community.
I can't believe that an actor would've done
something so dreadful.
I would suspect they won't be an actor for much longer.
We all love the Globe.
Well, I've only just heard. It's absolutely unspeakable.
I don't know what to think.
I think every actor in the country is appalled
that a theatre like the Globe can go down
all because of one man's vanity.
He's disrespected the craft of acting.
He's disrespected Shakespeare.
-It's appalling. -It's a tragedy.
-What a wanker. -Utterly pathetic.
Some colossal twat has burnt it down.
[fingers tapping]
[Toast groans]
Jane.
What the bloody hell were you thinking, Toast?
You clownish pyro.
-Now, hang on. -[Jane] Shut up.
Arsonist.
Steven Gonville Toast,
the man who never performed at the Globe Theatre,
then, in a fit of jealousy, burnt the bloody thing down.
[Toast] No, it didn't happen like that.
But that's what they'll say.
The Globe's been there since 1599.
What were you scared of? Getting a bad review?
-No. -When other actors
get bad reviews, their reaction is not normally
to burn down the theatre.
You're lucky we were able to blame young Kai.
God rest his soul.
But you won't be able to weasel out of this one, Toast,
because everyone in the business knows it was you.
It wasn't like that.
Poor Daz Klondyke got his leg caught under a burning beam.
He may never walk again.
-Who cares? -You burnt down the Globe.
Thus, almost causing the second great fire of London.
I'll probably never work again.
Why are you holding a letter aloft, Jane?
It's for you. It was delivered personally this afternoon.
What is it?
It's a fine.
A fine, for how much?
1000 pounds.
But that's all the money I have. Who's it from?
[Jane] The PC police.
What, they actually exist?
Of course they bloody exist. They're everywhere.
What's the fine for?
[Jane] Throwing disabled audience members
out of a recording.
Oh.
[Jane] Abusing a foreign tourist on the street.
[mellow music]
Complaining about a woman breastfeeding in public.
And being seen going into a porn theatre.
Well, that's it. I'm finished.
Oh, and one more thing.
[upbeat rock music]
* For 15 years I've stared at your face *
25, actually.
* I've listened to your shit with good grace *
* But I really cannot take any more *
* It's time to take your face off the wall *
* No, please don't take my face off the wall *
* If you do, then I'll have nothing at all *
* I beg you, Jane, I plead, I implore *
* So, please don't take my face off the wall *
Would you like this?
Or shall I throw it straight in the bin?
You can't fire me, Jane.
Apart from Ed, you're all I have.
Well then, maybe Ed can get you a job.
[glass smashes]
[upbeat dance music]
It's quite urgent.
So, could you send someone straight away, please?
Thank you.
Blimey. That was quick.
The boss said it was a two-man job,
so I brought my assistant.
He's a virgin.
[Daz] Cut. Toast, look excited.
I wanna smell the excitement.
Toast, more, more, more, more.
[upbeat piano music]
* So take my hand *
* We'll disappear to a pub that's not too far from here *
* No, I don't know you and you don't know me *
* I just had to talk to you, you see *
* So take my hand *