[bright music]
Mind the gap.
[Boris] Hello, Steven, could you do a quicker one?
Mind the gap.
[Boris] Hello again, how about doing a funky one?
For what does that even mean?
Who the fuck are you anyway?
Sorry, Steven.
Let me introduce Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.
Of course.
Right, Steven, maybe try
a couple of the traditional readings again,
where you emphasise the word mind and the word gap.
Yeah, all right. Are we rolling?
Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
So like the traditional delivery, Stephen,
where you hit the word mind and the word gap.
Yeah, thanks for clearing that up, Clem.
All part of the service, Steven.
[Boris] Hello, I've just had a thought.
Could you leave quite a long gap between the words,
the and gap?
Mind...
the...
gap.
[Boris] Ha ha! Let's have some fun.
Try an even longer gap between those words.
Mind...
The...
[door clicking]
[door clunking]
[cheerful upbeat music]
What's your porn name, Ed?
Posh Dong Minge Muncher.
That's your porn name, is it?
Yes.
So Posh Dong was the name of your first pet,
and Minge Muncher was your mother's maiden name?
Sorry?
Well, that's how you come up with your porn name.
You combine the name of your first pet
with your mother's maiden name.
Haven't a clue what you're talking about, Toast.
Football? What's this, Ed?
Ah, that's the application form for
the Prostitute's and Celebrity's Blow Football Tournament.
A blow football?
That's where people blow those tiny footballs around
with straws in their mouths?
Yes
The tournaments organised by my show business charity,
The River Rats, raises money for good causes.
And this year, I think it's for homeless ponies.
Ah, so who takes part, actors and prostitutes?
Well, technically celebrities and prostitutes.
We get the odd footballer, but ironically,
they're not actually very good at blow football.
Do they team you up with a prostitute
or do you have to bring your own?
I always bring my own.
And why don't you take part, Toast? It's tremendous fun.
You must know some prostitutes.
How about that Purchase woman you're having an affair with?
She's one, isn't she?
Well, she is, but she's also a very strong feminist.
I think she'd find the whole thing quite un-PC.
No one took a blind bit of notice
when Arthur Askey and Tommy Cooper started it
back in the '60s.
But nowadays, would get up the noses
of those women's libbers and killjoys at the BBC.
Blow football with prostitutes.
This sounds right up my rue. Can I fill this in?
Excellent.
Could be good publicity for you too.
Why don't you ask Mrs. P? Is she still with her husband?
What's his name? Roy?
Ray. Ray bloody Purchase.
What's he doing these days?
The man's penis is then inserted
into the other man's anus.
This is most unnatural.
A man's penis is meant to go into a lady's vagina,
not another man's anus.
Hear, hear.
Very good. That is the end of today's lecture.
[all applauding]
I have to say, Swivney, that was a great talk.
The gays have had it all their own way
for far too long in this country.
It really is super that you have the bottle to come here
and tell it like it is.
Yes. Thank you, Ray Purchase.
I know we both uphold this rampant bum banditry.
I see it everywhere in your country.
Now I'm meeting some antigay friends of mine
in the local pub.
Would you like to come along?
Oh yes.
That sounds exactly like my idea of a great night out.
Don't touch me.
[cheerful upbeat music]
I'm home, my darling.
I had a few drinks with Swivney and the antigays.
They want me to help them inform people
of the dangers of homo sex, but in an entertaining way.
Really?
Actually I'd rather not know about it,
it reeks of homophobia.
Nonsense. You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh God, I've had a skin full.
Then I look forward to you snoring really loudly.
Snoring? I've never snored in my entire...
[Ray snoring]
[solemn music]
-[snoring continues] -[creepy wailing music]
[door clunking]
Toast, don't you even bother to knock anymore?
Where's your soppy husband?
He's here actually, in the bed.
Looks dead.
He's probably just hung over.
He went to an antigay lecture, given by Nick Swivney.
Oh, that idiot.
Everybody got pissed in the pub afterwards.
Let's not talk. Let's just do it.
[bed squeaking]
Oof! Oof!
Mm. Mm.
Ooh! Oh!
Ugh!
Oh, yes.
Ed was talking to me about some
Celebrity and Prostitute Blow Football Tournament.
Yes, Ray's asked me to partner him this year.
It's happening soon, isn't it?
So you know about it?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I was hoping you'd partner me.
Oh, it's just...
Well, Ray and I, our marriage hasn't been great recently.
I think this could bring us together more.
I mean, I know a Celebrity and Prostitutes
Blow Football Tournament is frightfully un-PC,
but I think my marriage should come first.
I can get you the name of a few prostitutes, if you like?
Okay.
I have to say, I would quite like to win this tournament.
As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.
[Ray scoffing]
[Ray snoring]
This is a bit weird, Mrs. P. I'd like to go.
[cheerful upbeat music]
Maybe we should get a more up to date photo of you, Toast.
Now that you're playing more mature roles.
No, leave it, Jane. It's fine.
I mean, it may be 30 years old, but as you can see,
I haven't changed one bit.
Mm. Um...
You know, I'd really like to win
this Prostitute and Celebrity Blow Football Tournament.
As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.
I'm just worried it might be a little un-PC.
Not like you to think like that, Toast.
It isn't, is it?
It's almost like I turned into your friend, Ben Elton.
Or Gary Barlow.
Who?
Do you like Charles Dickens?
Dickens? Yes, of course.
An offer's come in.
To play Dickens?
Yes. Would you like to play Dickens?
Does Frank Bough like to party?
What?
Yeah, I'd love to play Dickens.
No one's done him properly.
Callow tried in his one-man show but he was too camp,
not like Dickens at all.
He was more like Larry Grayson or...
Russell Brand. [laughs]
I'll find out some more details.
[phone ringing]
Toast.
Ah, Mrs. Purchase. Where are you?
All right, I'll be right there.
That was Mrs. Purchase.
She's got some suggestions for prostitutes
to partner me in the tournament.
It's in a place called Springleys, on the Fulham Grove.
Springleys? I don't know it.
Is it a gentleman's club?
Ah!
[ominous music]
Ah, there you are.
Sorry I'm late. Took me ages to find this place.
I thought it was a club or wine bar.
Hop in.
Now, I've been looking at these.
Now, that's Lola. She is a really nice prostitute.
Paige, I mean, she's a great prostitute.
Ruby, one of the best prostitutes around.
Yes.
Are any of these prostitutes good at blow football?
You what?
Well, Ed says you're not allowed
to have sex with the prostitutes during the tournament.
So I may as well go with the one
that's the best at blow football.
Oh, you want Wendy Nook.
Who?
Wendy Nook.
Yeah, she's a great prostitute.
Probably the best one at blow football.
Fantastic.
Should I give her a call?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I must say, you're looking very nice today, Mrs. P.
Yes, very nice.
[rhythmic music]
Ooh!
[bed squeaking]
Oh! Ooh!
Hang on, my balls are about to fizz.
Are you sure, Jane?
Yes. Yes.
You look exactly like Dickens.
But are you sure I have to dress like him
for the audition?
I think it shows great attention to detail on their part.
They're even sending a driver to pick you up.
Not from here, unfortunately, but it shows they're keen.
You still want to play Dickens, don't you?
Of course.
Well, good.
[sorrowful music]
What the hell is this?
Something's wrong here, Jane. Something's very, very wrong.
Yes. Sorry, Toast.
There possibly has been a misunderstanding here.
The finer details may have been on the attachment
and I rarely read attachments.
They think I'm a tour guide.
I presumed you were being picked up
and taken to the audition.
No, no. They think I'm a tour guide.
So you don't want to be a tour guide?
Of course I don't wanna be a bloody tour guide, Jane.
I'm an actor.
Is there a pension scheme with tour guides?
Anyone there you could talk to about that?
Is there a what?
Pension. Acting's a shaky profession, Toast.
And they'll come a time, fairly soon,
where you won't be able to act anymore.
This could be an opportunity for you.
I'm not a tour guide, Jane. I'm an actor.
We all have to take our last bow at some point, Toast.
We've had our fun over the years
but this could be a dignified way out.
I'm just, I'm looking at the long term option.
What, and end up as a tour guide?
Um, yes.
Jane, that's probably the worst idea you've ever had.
And if I wasn't such a nice guy,
I'd tell you to stick it up your khyber.
How dare you talk to me like that.
And don't make that face.
If I were you, sunshine, I'd learn the tour guide ropes,
because I have a feeling you'll be back, cap in hand.
[upbeat music]
You just drive around all day, do you?
Yeah.
Your job satisfaction must be nil.
I'd probably throw myself in the Thames.
Whoa, you can't get on here. It's a tourist bus.
That's what I want. I want a tour of the London.
Well then, you need to go to Piccadilly Circus.
No, I have a tourist ticket, which allows me on tour.
Look, best let her on.
I can't be doing with the arse ache.
He says, go up.
Let her go up, then keep an eye on her.
Why?
A lot of them piss on the bus.
Really?
Yeah.
Unless you keep an eye on them, they piss on the bus.
You know what people are like.
Leave your sight for one second,
they're gonna start acting up.
You'd better go upstairs, keep an eye on her.
Look, I'm not a tour guide, I'm a bloody actor.
Are you now? Look, do us a favour, mate.
Anything happens, it's me what's gonna wear it, isn't it?
-Oh, God. -[solemn music]
What's that?
I don't know, I'm an actor.
I'm not a tour guide.
If you don't tell me about the sights,
I will tell your boss that you touched me.
You'll do what?
Yes, I will scream, "Help, he's touched me!"
And then you go on sex offenders list.
Help, he's touching me!
All right, all right. God.
There's a council house.
Use megaphone, please.
There's a council house.
There's a lamppost.
That looks like an abattoir.
Some historic facts, please.
God knows. Um...
London was built in the 13th century, mostly made of straw.
And then a great fire came and knackered the lot.
[Ray] And Dick Whittington is considered
to be a very popular Lord Mayor.
I dread to think what he'd make of modern London.
What, with all it's gay marriages and all.
Ray bloody Purchase.
Toast.
What the hell are you doing on that bus?
Is that Nick Swivney?
It's the Beefeater Anti-Gay Tour of London.
Can't you read?
How pathetic.
Who are you meant to be?
Gandhi.
What?
No, I'm Charles Dickens, you berk.
Nevermind that.
What the hell were you doing, asking my wife to partner you
in the Celebrity and Prostitute's Blow Football Tournament?
[Toast] Well, your wife's a prostitute.
You shut your mouth, Toast. My wife's not a prostitute.
Well, not in the conventional sense.
Oh, come on, Purchase.
Everybody in London knows your wife's a prostitute.
[Ray] You take that back, Toast.
That's a slur. Bloody slur.
[Toast] No, it isn't.
Only difference is, she doesn't do it for money,
unless it's with you.
[Ray] She's not a prostitute.
Yeah? Well then what the shit is that?
[Toast laughing]
Bye-bye, Purchase.
[cheerful upbeat music]
-[alarm blaring] -[dog barking]
-Excuse me. -Yeah?
Are you Wendy Nook?
It's 60 for a hand job, 80 for a blow job
and 95 for the full kahuna.
No, I understand you play blow football.
It's another tenner for blow football.
How did you get that?
I fell out of a tree.
I'm Steven Toast.
Mrs. Purchase gave me your name,
said you were the best in the business.
I mean where blow football's concerned.
Do you wanna play afterwards or before, boy?
No. No, you misunderstand.
I'm not interested in the other.
I wanna win, The River Rat Celebrity and Prostitute
Blow Football Tournament,
and I want you to be my partner.
What's in it for me?
It's for a good cause.
Yeah? What?
Homeless ponies.
[twinkling melodic music]
Ooh. Really?
-Yes. -You're telling me
there are homeless ponies?
Yes.
God almighty, that's dreadful.
A very touching plight, and it's really quite sad.
I'm in.
Haha! Yes!
[Toast whimpering]
[cheerful upbeat music]
Oh, yes.
Ah, Toast.
Ed, this is-
Posh Dong!
Do you two know each other?
Oh, not that I recall.
[Prostitute] Hi, Posh.
Hi, Posh.
Uh, Toast, this is Fifi.
Hi, there.
Who the hell are these celebrities?
I don't recognise anyone.
Yeah, me neither.
I'm told they're mostly standup comedians
and X Factor runners up.
So, it's all for a good cause.
[calm music]
Toast.
Ray Purchase.
Hi, everyone.
We're gonna win. You know that, don't you, Toast?
I wouldn't be so certain, Purchase.
Oh, I've never lost a game of blow football in my life.
And I'm certainly not gonna lose to you.
In fact, do you know what?
I am so confident we're gonna win, that if we don't, I'll-
Do whatever I ask you.
What?
If you lose, you'll do whatever I ask of you.
Well, come on, if you're so bloody sure of yourself.
Oh, I'm so bloody sure of myself, Toast.
Okay. So if you lose, you'll do whatever I ask you to?
However disgusting or degrading, whatever I ask you to?
Yes.
Ha! You heard him everyone.
[Everyone] Yes.
We are definitely, definitely not gonna lose.
Ray, are you sure this is wise?
It's all right, darling. I know exactly what I'm doing.
It's without any risk whatsoever,
because we will win this tournament.
[Toast laughing]
So what happens next, Ed?
Well, Toast, you're Team A
and you're drawn against Team D,
who are Ray Fiennes and his partner, Thumper,
who are over there.
The first team to get to 10 goals wins
and qualifies for the next round on a simple knockout basis.
Excellent. Are you ready, Wendy?
Brilliant.
[all cheering and howling]
♪ Blow me away ♪
[all cheering]
♪ Blow me away ♪
And so we have a very exciting final in prospect
between Team A, Toast and Wendy Nook.
[all cheering]
And Team E, Mr and Mrs. Ray Purchase.
[all cheering]
Let's see who are this year's
Prostitutes and Celebrities, Blow Football champions.
[all cheering]
-[all cheering] -♪ Blow me away ♪
♪ Blow, blow me away, blow me away, blow me away ♪
♪ Blow me away ♪
♪ Blow, blow me away, blow me away, blow me away ♪
♪ Blow me away ♪
[all cheering]
♪ Blow me away, blow me away, blow me away ♪
[all cheering]
♪ Blow me away ♪
Right, nine all. Next goal wins.
[whistle screeching]
[crowd heckling and cheering]
No, no. No, no, no.
[all cheering]
Yes, I told you, Toast. We are the champions.
Suck on that, Sydney.
Uh, just a moment, Ray Fiennes wants a word.
What's this about?
Ray Fiennes has told me something.
What did he say, Ed?
He tells me that Mrs. Purchase isn't really a prostitute.
Yes, she is!
That not what you said on that bus, Purchase.
My wife's not a prostitute.
That's what you said.
The whole of London heard you.
Oh, Ray, you're sweet. I'm really touched.
I said not in the conventional sense,
she doesn't get paid for it,
but she's eligible for this, surely.
Let's not forget that we're all here
to raise money for homeless ponies,
that's the main thing.
No, I'm sorry, Purchase.
She doesn't get paid for her services,
so she is not strictly a prostitute.
Hang on, Ed. How does Ray Fiennes know that?
[crowd gasping]
Okay.
I paid her a few times.
What did you say?
I said, I've paid her a few times.
[crowd gasping]
How sordid, paying your own wife to have sex with you.
Ray, that was our little secret.
Paying your own wife to have sex with you
is not proper prostitution.
Therefore, I'm afraid Ray and Mrs. Purchase
are disqualified.
[crowd rebuking]
Which means that Toast and Wendy Nook
are deemed to be this year's champions.
-[all cheering] -[whistle screeching]
Well, well, well...
You know what this means, don't you, Purchase?
That you now have to do exactly what I want.
Don't remember agreeing to that.
I'm afraid you did, old chap.
No, I didn't.
-[All] Yeah, you did. -[Crowd Member] Damn right.
Damn straight.
Now, let's see what I can come up with.
[devious smooth music]
We really were a bit silly, Ray, making that rash bet.
So you've got no one to blame but yourself.
[Toast] What's gonna happen now, Purchases?
We're gonna get down to business like this.
[Ray screaming]
[Mrs Purchase] Oh, grow up, Ray.
You're acting like a spoiled child. Oh!
[Toast] And I'm gonna pleasure your wife orally,
much like this.
[Mrs Purchase] Oh, God, that's good.
[Ray screaming]
Now we proceed to conventional doggy style intercourse,
much like this.
[Ray screaming]
I'm sure you've noticed, Ray Purchase,
that I'm not wearing a sheath.
[Mrs Purchase] Oh!
So there's a fair chance she'll become pregnant,
with my child.
-[Mrs Purchase] Oh! -Ah!
[Mrs Purchase] Oh, Ray, stop being so childish.
This is good, Ray Purchase.
It's very natural.
-[Ray screaming] -[Toast slobbering]
[Ray screaming]
♪ So take my hand, we'll disappear to above the sun ♪
♪ Too far from here ♪
♪ No, I don't know you, but you don't know me ♪
♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪
♪ So say you'll come, please come, girl ♪
♪ You could be the one, for all I know ♪
♪ And I don't know you... ♪
Gap.