1 00:00:00,803 --> 00:00:02,883 [bright music] 2 00:00:03,043 --> 00:00:04,643 Mind the gap. 3 00:00:06,803 --> 00:00:09,963 Mind the gap. 4 00:00:10,123 --> 00:00:13,083 [Boris] Hello, Steven, could you do a quicker one? 5 00:00:14,963 --> 00:00:15,923 Mind the gap. 6 00:00:17,563 --> 00:00:19,603 [Boris] Hello again, how about doing a funky one? 7 00:00:21,123 --> 00:00:22,123 For what does that even mean? 8 00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,043 Who the fuck are you anyway? 9 00:00:24,203 --> 00:00:25,843 Sorry, Steven. 10 00:00:26,003 --> 00:00:27,603 Let me introduce Mayor of London, Boris Johnson. 11 00:00:28,883 --> 00:00:29,643 Of course. 12 00:00:30,963 --> 00:00:32,563 Right, Steven, maybe try 13 00:00:32,723 --> 00:00:34,363 a couple of the traditional readings again, 14 00:00:34,523 --> 00:00:37,243 where you emphasise the word mind and the word gap. 15 00:00:37,403 --> 00:00:39,043 Yeah, all right. Are we rolling? 16 00:00:39,203 --> 00:00:40,683 Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango. 17 00:00:40,843 --> 00:00:42,043 Can you hear me? 18 00:00:42,203 --> 00:00:43,283 Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. 19 00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,043 So like the traditional delivery, Stephen, 20 00:00:45,203 --> 00:00:47,083 where you hit the word mind and the word gap. 21 00:00:47,243 --> 00:00:48,523 Yeah, thanks for clearing that up, Clem. 22 00:00:48,683 --> 00:00:50,923 All part of the service, Steven. 23 00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,123 [Boris] Hello, I've just had a thought. 24 00:00:53,283 --> 00:00:55,523 Could you leave quite a long gap between the words, 25 00:00:55,683 --> 00:00:57,963 the and gap? 26 00:01:00,283 --> 00:01:01,723 Mind... 27 00:01:01,883 --> 00:01:03,003 the... 28 00:01:06,723 --> 00:01:08,163 gap. 29 00:01:08,323 --> 00:01:09,963 [Boris] Ha ha! Let's have some fun. 30 00:01:10,123 --> 00:01:12,843 Try an even longer gap between those words. 31 00:01:17,723 --> 00:01:19,363 Mind... 32 00:01:19,523 --> 00:01:24,323 The... 33 00:01:37,803 --> 00:01:39,323 [door clicking] 34 00:01:39,483 --> 00:01:42,123 [door clunking] 35 00:01:48,443 --> 00:01:51,563 [cheerful upbeat music] 36 00:02:17,803 --> 00:02:19,363 What's your porn name, Ed? 37 00:02:19,523 --> 00:02:21,243 Posh Dong Minge Muncher. 38 00:02:21,403 --> 00:02:22,523 That's your porn name, is it? 39 00:02:22,683 --> 00:02:23,883 Yes. 40 00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:26,243 So Posh Dong was the name of your first pet, 41 00:02:26,403 --> 00:02:28,283 and Minge Muncher was your mother's maiden name? 42 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,963 Sorry? 43 00:02:31,123 --> 00:02:32,163 Well, that's how you come up with your porn name. 44 00:02:32,323 --> 00:02:33,803 You combine the name of your first pet 45 00:02:33,963 --> 00:02:36,283 with your mother's maiden name. 46 00:02:36,443 --> 00:02:38,083 Haven't a clue what you're talking about, Toast. 47 00:02:42,083 --> 00:02:44,283 Football? What's this, Ed? 48 00:02:44,443 --> 00:02:46,203 Ah, that's the application form for 49 00:02:46,363 --> 00:02:48,523 the Prostitute's and Celebrity's Blow Football Tournament. 50 00:02:48,683 --> 00:02:50,483 A blow football? 51 00:02:50,643 --> 00:02:52,203 That's where people blow those tiny footballs around 52 00:02:52,363 --> 00:02:53,323 with straws in their mouths? 53 00:02:53,483 --> 00:02:55,163 Yes 54 00:02:55,323 --> 00:02:56,443 The tournaments organised by my show business charity, 55 00:02:56,603 --> 00:02:59,323 The River Rats, raises money for good causes. 56 00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:01,883 And this year, I think it's for homeless ponies. 57 00:03:02,043 --> 00:03:04,843 Ah, so who takes part, actors and prostitutes? 58 00:03:05,003 --> 00:03:07,403 Well, technically celebrities and prostitutes. 59 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,363 We get the odd footballer, but ironically, 60 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,163 they're not actually very good at blow football. 61 00:03:11,323 --> 00:03:12,483 Do they team you up with a prostitute 62 00:03:12,643 --> 00:03:13,483 or do you have to bring your own? 63 00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:15,283 I always bring my own. 64 00:03:15,443 --> 00:03:18,123 And why don't you take part, Toast? It's tremendous fun. 65 00:03:18,283 --> 00:03:20,483 You must know some prostitutes. 66 00:03:20,643 --> 00:03:22,283 How about that Purchase woman you're having an affair with? 67 00:03:22,443 --> 00:03:24,003 She's one, isn't she? 68 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:26,643 Well, she is, but she's also a very strong feminist. 69 00:03:26,803 --> 00:03:29,403 I think she'd find the whole thing quite un-PC. 70 00:03:29,563 --> 00:03:30,843 No one took a blind bit of notice 71 00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,563 when Arthur Askey and Tommy Cooper started it 72 00:03:32,723 --> 00:03:34,003 back in the '60s. 73 00:03:34,163 --> 00:03:35,643 But nowadays, would get up the noses 74 00:03:35,803 --> 00:03:38,403 of those women's libbers and killjoys at the BBC. 75 00:03:38,563 --> 00:03:40,283 Blow football with prostitutes. 76 00:03:40,443 --> 00:03:42,923 This sounds right up my rue. Can I fill this in? 77 00:03:43,083 --> 00:03:44,203 Excellent. 78 00:03:44,363 --> 00:03:46,323 Could be good publicity for you too. 79 00:03:46,483 --> 00:03:49,043 Why don't you ask Mrs. P? Is she still with her husband? 80 00:03:49,203 --> 00:03:51,043 What's his name? Roy? 81 00:03:51,203 --> 00:03:53,923 Ray. Ray bloody Purchase. 82 00:03:54,083 --> 00:03:55,963 What's he doing these days? 83 00:03:56,123 --> 00:03:59,803 The man's penis is then inserted 84 00:03:59,963 --> 00:04:02,283 into the other man's anus. 85 00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,363 This is most unnatural. 86 00:04:05,523 --> 00:04:09,923 A man's penis is meant to go into a lady's vagina, 87 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,203 not another man's anus. 88 00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:13,643 Hear, hear. 89 00:04:13,803 --> 00:04:17,283 Very good. That is the end of today's lecture. 90 00:04:17,443 --> 00:04:20,043 [all applauding] 91 00:04:23,043 --> 00:04:26,963 I have to say, Swivney, that was a great talk. 92 00:04:27,123 --> 00:04:28,123 The gays have had it all their own way 93 00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:30,203 for far too long in this country. 94 00:04:30,363 --> 00:04:33,763 It really is super that you have the bottle to come here 95 00:04:33,923 --> 00:04:35,363 and tell it like it is. 96 00:04:35,523 --> 00:04:37,923 Yes. Thank you, Ray Purchase. 97 00:04:38,083 --> 00:04:42,523 I know we both uphold this rampant bum banditry. 98 00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:45,563 I see it everywhere in your country. 99 00:04:45,723 --> 00:04:48,643 Now I'm meeting some antigay friends of mine 100 00:04:48,803 --> 00:04:50,123 in the local pub. 101 00:04:50,283 --> 00:04:51,403 Would you like to come along? 102 00:04:51,563 --> 00:04:53,203 Oh yes. 103 00:04:53,363 --> 00:04:55,843 That sounds exactly like my idea of a great night out. 104 00:04:57,003 --> 00:04:58,083 Don't touch me. 105 00:04:58,243 --> 00:05:01,403 [cheerful upbeat music] 106 00:05:04,323 --> 00:05:06,163 I'm home, my darling. 107 00:05:09,563 --> 00:05:13,843 I had a few drinks with Swivney and the antigays. 108 00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:15,563 They want me to help them inform people 109 00:05:15,723 --> 00:05:20,243 of the dangers of homo sex, but in an entertaining way. 110 00:05:20,883 --> 00:05:22,323 Really? 111 00:05:22,483 --> 00:05:22,883 Actually I'd rather not know about it, 112 00:05:23,043 --> 00:05:24,643 it reeks of homophobia. 113 00:05:24,803 --> 00:05:27,723 Nonsense. You don't know what you're talking about. 114 00:05:27,883 --> 00:05:30,203 Oh God, I've had a skin full. 115 00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:33,283 Then I look forward to you snoring really loudly. 116 00:05:33,443 --> 00:05:35,563 Snoring? I've never snored in my entire... 117 00:05:35,723 --> 00:05:38,163 [Ray snoring] 118 00:05:38,323 --> 00:05:40,803 [solemn music] 119 00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:49,763 -[snoring continues] -[creepy wailing music] 120 00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:00,843 [door clunking] 121 00:06:01,003 --> 00:06:04,363 Toast, don't you even bother to knock anymore? 122 00:06:04,523 --> 00:06:05,723 Where's your soppy husband? 123 00:06:05,883 --> 00:06:08,243 He's here actually, in the bed. 124 00:06:09,643 --> 00:06:10,843 Looks dead. 125 00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,523 He's probably just hung over. 126 00:06:12,683 --> 00:06:14,283 He went to an antigay lecture, given by Nick Swivney. 127 00:06:14,443 --> 00:06:15,843 Oh, that idiot. 128 00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:18,083 Everybody got pissed in the pub afterwards. 129 00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:20,403 Let's not talk. Let's just do it. 130 00:06:20,563 --> 00:06:21,563 [bed squeaking] 131 00:06:21,723 --> 00:06:22,323 Oof! Oof! 132 00:06:24,963 --> 00:06:25,763 Mm. Mm. 133 00:06:27,083 --> 00:06:27,883 Ooh! Oh! 134 00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:36,803 Ugh! 135 00:06:37,963 --> 00:06:39,083 Oh, yes. 136 00:06:41,283 --> 00:06:43,403 Ed was talking to me about some 137 00:06:43,563 --> 00:06:46,363 Celebrity and Prostitute Blow Football Tournament. 138 00:06:46,523 --> 00:06:48,643 Yes, Ray's asked me to partner him this year. 139 00:06:48,803 --> 00:06:49,883 It's happening soon, isn't it? 140 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:50,483 So you know about it? 141 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,163 Mm-hmm. 142 00:06:52,323 --> 00:06:53,123 Well, I was hoping you'd partner me. 143 00:06:53,283 --> 00:06:54,923 Oh, it's just... 144 00:06:55,083 --> 00:06:58,723 Well, Ray and I, our marriage hasn't been great recently. 145 00:06:58,883 --> 00:07:00,323 I think this could bring us together more. 146 00:07:00,483 --> 00:07:02,163 I mean, I know a Celebrity and Prostitutes 147 00:07:02,323 --> 00:07:04,443 Blow Football Tournament is frightfully un-PC, 148 00:07:04,603 --> 00:07:07,843 but I think my marriage should come first. 149 00:07:08,003 --> 00:07:09,723 I can get you the name of a few prostitutes, if you like? 150 00:07:09,883 --> 00:07:11,563 Okay. 151 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:13,683 I have to say, I would quite like to win this tournament. 152 00:07:13,843 --> 00:07:16,563 As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do. 153 00:07:16,723 --> 00:07:19,163 [Ray scoffing] 154 00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:24,283 [Ray snoring] 155 00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:26,803 This is a bit weird, Mrs. P. I'd like to go. 156 00:07:26,963 --> 00:07:30,083 [cheerful upbeat music] 157 00:07:36,083 --> 00:07:39,323 Maybe we should get a more up to date photo of you, Toast. 158 00:07:39,483 --> 00:07:42,963 Now that you're playing more mature roles. 159 00:07:43,123 --> 00:07:45,163 No, leave it, Jane. It's fine. 160 00:07:45,323 --> 00:07:47,363 I mean, it may be 30 years old, but as you can see, 161 00:07:47,523 --> 00:07:48,483 I haven't changed one bit. 162 00:07:48,643 --> 00:07:51,043 Mm. Um... 163 00:07:51,203 --> 00:07:52,763 You know, I'd really like to win 164 00:07:52,923 --> 00:07:55,563 this Prostitute and Celebrity Blow Football Tournament. 165 00:07:55,723 --> 00:07:58,163 As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do. 166 00:07:58,323 --> 00:08:01,403 I'm just worried it might be a little un-PC. 167 00:08:01,563 --> 00:08:03,603 Not like you to think like that, Toast. 168 00:08:03,763 --> 00:08:05,443 It isn't, is it? 169 00:08:05,603 --> 00:08:08,043 It's almost like I turned into your friend, Ben Elton. 170 00:08:08,203 --> 00:08:10,363 Or Gary Barlow. 171 00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:11,123 Who? 172 00:08:13,123 --> 00:08:14,123 Do you like Charles Dickens? 173 00:08:14,283 --> 00:08:15,003 Dickens? Yes, of course. 174 00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:16,683 An offer's come in. 175 00:08:16,843 --> 00:08:18,043 To play Dickens? 176 00:08:18,203 --> 00:08:19,403 Yes. Would you like to play Dickens? 177 00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:21,443 Does Frank Bough like to party? 178 00:08:21,603 --> 00:08:22,843 What? 179 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,803 Yeah, I'd love to play Dickens. 180 00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,563 No one's done him properly. 181 00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:29,443 Callow tried in his one-man show but he was too camp, 182 00:08:29,603 --> 00:08:31,043 not like Dickens at all. 183 00:08:31,203 --> 00:08:32,923 He was more like Larry Grayson or... 184 00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:35,883 Russell Brand. [laughs] 185 00:08:36,043 --> 00:08:38,203 I'll find out some more details. 186 00:08:38,363 --> 00:08:40,923 [phone ringing] 187 00:08:41,883 --> 00:08:43,643 Toast. 188 00:08:43,803 --> 00:08:46,563 Ah, Mrs. Purchase. Where are you? 189 00:08:46,723 --> 00:08:48,923 All right, I'll be right there. 190 00:08:49,083 --> 00:08:50,563 That was Mrs. Purchase. 191 00:08:50,723 --> 00:08:52,523 She's got some suggestions for prostitutes 192 00:08:52,683 --> 00:08:54,803 to partner me in the tournament. 193 00:08:54,963 --> 00:08:56,843 It's in a place called Springleys, on the Fulham Grove. 194 00:08:57,003 --> 00:09:00,763 Springleys? I don't know it. 195 00:09:00,923 --> 00:09:02,723 Is it a gentleman's club? 196 00:09:02,883 --> 00:09:03,683 Ah! 197 00:09:04,963 --> 00:09:07,523 [ominous music] 198 00:09:13,363 --> 00:09:15,243 Ah, there you are. 199 00:09:15,403 --> 00:09:17,803 Sorry I'm late. Took me ages to find this place. 200 00:09:17,963 --> 00:09:20,123 I thought it was a club or wine bar. 201 00:09:20,283 --> 00:09:21,083 Hop in. 202 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,883 Now, I've been looking at these. 203 00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:29,603 Now, that's Lola. She is a really nice prostitute. 204 00:09:29,763 --> 00:09:32,523 Paige, I mean, she's a great prostitute. 205 00:09:32,683 --> 00:09:34,723 Ruby, one of the best prostitutes around. 206 00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:36,443 Yes. 207 00:09:36,603 --> 00:09:37,723 Are any of these prostitutes good at blow football? 208 00:09:37,883 --> 00:09:38,923 You what? 209 00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:40,483 Well, Ed says you're not allowed 210 00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:42,883 to have sex with the prostitutes during the tournament. 211 00:09:43,043 --> 00:09:44,043 So I may as well go with the one 212 00:09:44,203 --> 00:09:45,003 that's the best at blow football. 213 00:09:45,163 --> 00:09:46,483 Oh, you want Wendy Nook. 214 00:09:46,643 --> 00:09:47,283 Who? 215 00:09:47,443 --> 00:09:48,283 Wendy Nook. 216 00:09:48,443 --> 00:09:50,203 Yeah, she's a great prostitute. 217 00:09:50,363 --> 00:09:51,563 Probably the best one at blow football. 218 00:09:51,723 --> 00:09:52,763 Fantastic. 219 00:09:52,923 --> 00:09:53,883 Should I give her a call? 220 00:09:55,883 --> 00:09:57,083 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 221 00:09:59,083 --> 00:10:02,203 I must say, you're looking very nice today, Mrs. P. 222 00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:05,923 Yes, very nice. 223 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:06,843 [rhythmic music] 224 00:10:07,003 --> 00:10:07,803 Ooh! 225 00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:11,963 Ooh! 226 00:10:12,123 --> 00:10:13,323 [bed squeaking] 227 00:10:13,483 --> 00:10:14,883 Oh! Ooh! 228 00:10:16,323 --> 00:10:18,203 Hang on, my balls are about to fizz. 229 00:10:21,523 --> 00:10:22,123 Are you sure, Jane? 230 00:10:22,283 --> 00:10:23,123 Yes. Yes. 231 00:10:23,283 --> 00:10:26,083 You look exactly like Dickens. 232 00:10:26,243 --> 00:10:27,763 But are you sure I have to dress like him 233 00:10:27,923 --> 00:10:29,403 for the audition? 234 00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:32,483 I think it shows great attention to detail on their part. 235 00:10:32,643 --> 00:10:35,563 They're even sending a driver to pick you up. 236 00:10:35,723 --> 00:10:38,923 Not from here, unfortunately, but it shows they're keen. 237 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,323 You still want to play Dickens, don't you? 238 00:10:43,483 --> 00:10:44,563 Of course. 239 00:10:44,723 --> 00:10:45,723 Well, good. 240 00:10:45,883 --> 00:10:48,403 [sorrowful music] 241 00:10:54,763 --> 00:10:55,763 What the hell is this? 242 00:10:59,363 --> 00:11:01,563 Something's wrong here, Jane. Something's very, very wrong. 243 00:11:01,723 --> 00:11:03,923 Yes. Sorry, Toast. 244 00:11:04,083 --> 00:11:06,603 There possibly has been a misunderstanding here. 245 00:11:06,763 --> 00:11:08,763 The finer details may have been on the attachment 246 00:11:08,923 --> 00:11:11,283 and I rarely read attachments. 247 00:11:11,443 --> 00:11:13,203 They think I'm a tour guide. 248 00:11:13,363 --> 00:11:15,003 I presumed you were being picked up 249 00:11:15,163 --> 00:11:17,363 and taken to the audition. 250 00:11:17,523 --> 00:11:19,203 No, no. They think I'm a tour guide. 251 00:11:19,363 --> 00:11:22,563 So you don't want to be a tour guide? 252 00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:24,683 Of course I don't wanna be a bloody tour guide, Jane. 253 00:11:24,843 --> 00:11:25,643 I'm an actor. 254 00:11:27,323 --> 00:11:29,883 Is there a pension scheme with tour guides? 255 00:11:30,043 --> 00:11:31,683 Anyone there you could talk to about that? 256 00:11:31,843 --> 00:11:33,723 Is there a what? 257 00:11:33,883 --> 00:11:37,203 Pension. Acting's a shaky profession, Toast. 258 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,203 And they'll come a time, fairly soon, 259 00:11:39,363 --> 00:11:41,443 where you won't be able to act anymore. 260 00:11:41,603 --> 00:11:43,203 This could be an opportunity for you. 261 00:11:44,763 --> 00:11:46,763 I'm not a tour guide, Jane. I'm an actor. 262 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:50,043 We all have to take our last bow at some point, Toast. 263 00:11:50,203 --> 00:11:51,883 We've had our fun over the years 264 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:54,043 but this could be a dignified way out. 265 00:11:54,203 --> 00:11:57,443 I'm just, I'm looking at the long term option. 266 00:11:57,603 --> 00:11:59,483 What, and end up as a tour guide? 267 00:11:59,643 --> 00:12:02,603 Um, yes. 268 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,043 Jane, that's probably the worst idea you've ever had. 269 00:12:05,203 --> 00:12:06,723 And if I wasn't such a nice guy, 270 00:12:06,883 --> 00:12:08,723 I'd tell you to stick it up your khyber. 271 00:12:08,883 --> 00:12:09,803 How dare you talk to me like that. 272 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,163 And don't make that face. 273 00:12:12,963 --> 00:12:15,523 If I were you, sunshine, I'd learn the tour guide ropes, 274 00:12:15,683 --> 00:12:18,003 because I have a feeling you'll be back, cap in hand. 275 00:12:19,003 --> 00:12:21,483 [upbeat music] 276 00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:24,563 You just drive around all day, do you? 277 00:12:24,723 --> 00:12:25,443 Yeah. 278 00:12:26,843 --> 00:12:28,843 Your job satisfaction must be nil. 279 00:12:29,003 --> 00:12:30,643 I'd probably throw myself in the Thames. 280 00:12:32,963 --> 00:12:35,723 Whoa, you can't get on here. It's a tourist bus. 281 00:12:35,883 --> 00:12:37,523 That's what I want. I want a tour of the London. 282 00:12:37,683 --> 00:12:40,203 Well then, you need to go to Piccadilly Circus. 283 00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:42,763 No, I have a tourist ticket, which allows me on tour. 284 00:12:42,923 --> 00:12:44,123 Look, best let her on. 285 00:12:44,283 --> 00:12:46,083 I can't be doing with the arse ache. 286 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,083 He says, go up. 287 00:12:49,723 --> 00:12:50,763 Let her go up, then keep an eye on her. 288 00:12:50,923 --> 00:12:52,123 Why? 289 00:12:52,283 --> 00:12:53,523 A lot of them piss on the bus. 290 00:12:53,683 --> 00:12:54,523 Really? 291 00:12:54,683 --> 00:12:56,403 Yeah. 292 00:12:56,563 --> 00:12:57,123 Unless you keep an eye on them, they piss on the bus. 293 00:12:57,283 --> 00:12:58,483 You know what people are like. 294 00:12:58,643 --> 00:13:00,003 Leave your sight for one second, 295 00:13:00,163 --> 00:13:01,563 they're gonna start acting up. 296 00:13:01,723 --> 00:13:03,203 You'd better go upstairs, keep an eye on her. 297 00:13:03,363 --> 00:13:05,483 Look, I'm not a tour guide, I'm a bloody actor. 298 00:13:07,523 --> 00:13:08,923 Are you now? Look, do us a favour, mate. 299 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:11,963 Anything happens, it's me what's gonna wear it, isn't it? 300 00:13:12,123 --> 00:13:15,283 -Oh, God. -[solemn music] 301 00:13:21,203 --> 00:13:22,363 What's that? 302 00:13:22,523 --> 00:13:24,243 I don't know, I'm an actor. 303 00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:25,603 I'm not a tour guide. 304 00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,003 If you don't tell me about the sights, 305 00:13:27,163 --> 00:13:28,163 I will tell your boss that you touched me. 306 00:13:28,323 --> 00:13:29,563 You'll do what? 307 00:13:29,723 --> 00:13:31,363 Yes, I will scream, "Help, he's touched me!" 308 00:13:31,523 --> 00:13:33,043 And then you go on sex offenders list. 309 00:13:34,963 --> 00:13:36,203 Help, he's touching me! 310 00:13:36,363 --> 00:13:39,683 All right, all right. God. 311 00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:42,843 There's a council house. 312 00:13:43,003 --> 00:13:44,003 Use megaphone, please. 313 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:47,483 There's a council house. 314 00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:48,603 There's a lamppost. 315 00:13:50,723 --> 00:13:52,163 That looks like an abattoir. 316 00:13:52,323 --> 00:13:54,523 Some historic facts, please. 317 00:13:54,683 --> 00:13:56,643 God knows. Um... 318 00:13:56,803 --> 00:14:01,163 London was built in the 13th century, mostly made of straw. 319 00:14:03,083 --> 00:14:05,883 And then a great fire came and knackered the lot. 320 00:14:06,043 --> 00:14:07,443 [Ray] And Dick Whittington is considered 321 00:14:07,603 --> 00:14:10,523 to be a very popular Lord Mayor. 322 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,603 I dread to think what he'd make of modern London. 323 00:14:12,763 --> 00:14:15,683 What, with all it's gay marriages and all. 324 00:14:15,843 --> 00:14:17,323 Ray bloody Purchase. 325 00:14:19,723 --> 00:14:21,043 Toast. 326 00:14:21,203 --> 00:14:22,403 What the hell are you doing on that bus? 327 00:14:22,563 --> 00:14:24,203 Is that Nick Swivney? 328 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,723 It's the Beefeater Anti-Gay Tour of London. 329 00:14:26,883 --> 00:14:28,643 Can't you read? 330 00:14:28,803 --> 00:14:29,683 How pathetic. 331 00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:31,643 Who are you meant to be? 332 00:14:31,803 --> 00:14:32,603 Gandhi. 333 00:14:32,763 --> 00:14:34,243 What? 334 00:14:34,403 --> 00:14:35,323 No, I'm Charles Dickens, you berk. 335 00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:37,243 Nevermind that. 336 00:14:37,403 --> 00:14:39,923 What the hell were you doing, asking my wife to partner you 337 00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:43,083 in the Celebrity and Prostitute's Blow Football Tournament? 338 00:14:43,243 --> 00:14:44,683 [Toast] Well, your wife's a prostitute. 339 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:47,723 You shut your mouth, Toast. My wife's not a prostitute. 340 00:14:47,883 --> 00:14:49,003 Well, not in the conventional sense. 341 00:14:49,163 --> 00:14:50,963 Oh, come on, Purchase. 342 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:53,643 Everybody in London knows your wife's a prostitute. 343 00:14:53,803 --> 00:14:54,603 [Ray] You take that back, Toast. 344 00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:56,163 That's a slur. Bloody slur. 345 00:14:56,323 --> 00:14:57,563 [Toast] No, it isn't. 346 00:14:57,723 --> 00:14:59,923 Only difference is, she doesn't do it for money, 347 00:15:00,083 --> 00:15:01,043 unless it's with you. 348 00:15:01,203 --> 00:15:02,323 [Ray] She's not a prostitute. 349 00:15:02,483 --> 00:15:05,163 Yeah? Well then what the shit is that? 350 00:15:08,123 --> 00:15:09,443 [Toast laughing] 351 00:15:09,603 --> 00:15:10,963 Bye-bye, Purchase. 352 00:15:12,043 --> 00:15:15,163 [cheerful upbeat music] 353 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:20,603 -[alarm blaring] -[dog barking] 354 00:15:20,763 --> 00:15:21,363 -Excuse me. -Yeah? 355 00:15:21,523 --> 00:15:22,763 Are you Wendy Nook? 356 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,643 It's 60 for a hand job, 80 for a blow job 357 00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:26,803 and 95 for the full kahuna. 358 00:15:26,963 --> 00:15:28,923 No, I understand you play blow football. 359 00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:30,723 It's another tenner for blow football. 360 00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:33,563 How did you get that? 361 00:15:33,723 --> 00:15:34,723 I fell out of a tree. 362 00:15:36,523 --> 00:15:37,363 I'm Steven Toast. 363 00:15:37,523 --> 00:15:39,243 Mrs. Purchase gave me your name, 364 00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:41,243 said you were the best in the business. 365 00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:43,003 I mean where blow football's concerned. 366 00:15:43,163 --> 00:15:44,803 Do you wanna play afterwards or before, boy? 367 00:15:44,963 --> 00:15:46,803 No. No, you misunderstand. 368 00:15:46,963 --> 00:15:48,443 I'm not interested in the other. 369 00:15:48,603 --> 00:15:51,163 I wanna win, The River Rat Celebrity and Prostitute 370 00:15:51,323 --> 00:15:52,643 Blow Football Tournament, 371 00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:54,843 and I want you to be my partner. 372 00:15:55,003 --> 00:15:56,003 What's in it for me? 373 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:56,883 It's for a good cause. 374 00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,363 Yeah? What? 375 00:15:58,523 --> 00:15:59,963 Homeless ponies. 376 00:16:00,123 --> 00:16:01,283 [twinkling melodic music] 377 00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:02,443 Ooh. Really? 378 00:16:03,883 --> 00:16:04,723 -Yes. -You're telling me 379 00:16:04,883 --> 00:16:06,003 there are homeless ponies? 380 00:16:06,163 --> 00:16:07,083 Yes. 381 00:16:07,243 --> 00:16:10,283 God almighty, that's dreadful. 382 00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:15,283 A very touching plight, and it's really quite sad. 383 00:16:18,723 --> 00:16:19,363 I'm in. 384 00:16:19,523 --> 00:16:20,683 Haha! Yes! 385 00:16:20,843 --> 00:16:22,963 [Toast whimpering] 386 00:16:23,123 --> 00:16:26,243 [cheerful upbeat music] 387 00:16:31,443 --> 00:16:32,843 Oh, yes. 388 00:16:33,003 --> 00:16:33,843 Ah, Toast. 389 00:16:34,003 --> 00:16:34,803 Ed, this is- 390 00:16:34,963 --> 00:16:36,123 Posh Dong! 391 00:16:37,883 --> 00:16:39,083 Do you two know each other? 392 00:16:39,243 --> 00:16:40,443 Oh, not that I recall. 393 00:16:40,603 --> 00:16:41,203 [Prostitute] Hi, Posh. 394 00:16:41,363 --> 00:16:42,203 Hi, Posh. 395 00:16:44,243 --> 00:16:45,523 Uh, Toast, this is Fifi. 396 00:16:45,683 --> 00:16:46,963 Hi, there. 397 00:16:47,123 --> 00:16:48,003 Who the hell are these celebrities? 398 00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,363 I don't recognise anyone. 399 00:16:49,523 --> 00:16:50,643 Yeah, me neither. 400 00:16:50,803 --> 00:16:51,803 I'm told they're mostly standup comedians 401 00:16:51,963 --> 00:16:53,203 and X Factor runners up. 402 00:16:53,363 --> 00:16:54,803 So, it's all for a good cause. 403 00:16:55,883 --> 00:16:58,123 [calm music] 404 00:16:59,563 --> 00:17:00,323 Toast. 405 00:17:00,483 --> 00:17:01,563 Ray Purchase. 406 00:17:01,723 --> 00:17:03,723 Hi, everyone. 407 00:17:03,883 --> 00:17:06,123 We're gonna win. You know that, don't you, Toast? 408 00:17:06,283 --> 00:17:07,923 I wouldn't be so certain, Purchase. 409 00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:10,723 Oh, I've never lost a game of blow football in my life. 410 00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:12,883 And I'm certainly not gonna lose to you. 411 00:17:13,043 --> 00:17:14,643 In fact, do you know what? 412 00:17:14,803 --> 00:17:17,723 I am so confident we're gonna win, that if we don't, I'll- 413 00:17:17,883 --> 00:17:19,483 Do whatever I ask you. 414 00:17:19,643 --> 00:17:21,163 What? 415 00:17:21,323 --> 00:17:23,043 If you lose, you'll do whatever I ask of you. 416 00:17:24,763 --> 00:17:27,043 Well, come on, if you're so bloody sure of yourself. 417 00:17:27,203 --> 00:17:28,643 Oh, I'm so bloody sure of myself, Toast. 418 00:17:28,803 --> 00:17:32,123 Okay. So if you lose, you'll do whatever I ask you to? 419 00:17:32,283 --> 00:17:36,403 However disgusting or degrading, whatever I ask you to? 420 00:17:36,563 --> 00:17:37,563 Yes. 421 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,243 Ha! You heard him everyone. 422 00:17:39,403 --> 00:17:40,923 [Everyone] Yes. 423 00:17:41,083 --> 00:17:43,003 We are definitely, definitely not gonna lose. 424 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,403 Ray, are you sure this is wise? 425 00:17:45,563 --> 00:17:48,523 It's all right, darling. I know exactly what I'm doing. 426 00:17:48,683 --> 00:17:50,963 It's without any risk whatsoever, 427 00:17:51,123 --> 00:17:52,523 because we will win this tournament. 428 00:17:52,683 --> 00:17:54,523 [Toast laughing] 429 00:17:54,683 --> 00:17:55,643 So what happens next, Ed? 430 00:17:55,803 --> 00:17:56,963 Well, Toast, you're Team A 431 00:17:57,123 --> 00:17:58,803 and you're drawn against Team D, 432 00:17:58,963 --> 00:18:01,763 who are Ray Fiennes and his partner, Thumper, 433 00:18:01,923 --> 00:18:02,843 who are over there. 434 00:18:04,403 --> 00:18:06,203 The first team to get to 10 goals wins 435 00:18:06,363 --> 00:18:08,643 and qualifies for the next round on a simple knockout basis. 436 00:18:08,803 --> 00:18:10,723 Excellent. Are you ready, Wendy? 437 00:18:10,883 --> 00:18:13,043 Brilliant. 438 00:18:13,203 --> 00:18:16,603 [all cheering and howling] 439 00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:24,923 ♪ Blow me away ♪ 440 00:18:25,083 --> 00:18:27,523 [all cheering] 441 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,483 ♪ Blow me away ♪ 442 00:18:35,443 --> 00:18:37,203 And so we have a very exciting final in prospect 443 00:18:37,363 --> 00:18:39,643 between Team A, Toast and Wendy Nook. 444 00:18:39,803 --> 00:18:41,643 [all cheering] 445 00:18:41,803 --> 00:18:43,723 And Team E, Mr and Mrs. Ray Purchase. 446 00:18:43,883 --> 00:18:45,283 [all cheering] 447 00:18:45,443 --> 00:18:47,003 Let's see who are this year's 448 00:18:47,163 --> 00:18:49,283 Prostitutes and Celebrities, Blow Football champions. 449 00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:51,843 [all cheering] 450 00:18:55,523 --> 00:18:57,523 -[all cheering] -♪ Blow me away ♪ 451 00:18:57,683 --> 00:19:02,083 ♪ Blow, blow me away, blow me away, blow me away ♪ 452 00:19:03,163 --> 00:19:05,443 ♪ Blow me away ♪ 453 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:10,163 ♪ Blow, blow me away, blow me away, blow me away ♪ 454 00:19:11,323 --> 00:19:13,083 ♪ Blow me away ♪ 455 00:19:13,243 --> 00:19:14,523 [all cheering] 456 00:19:14,683 --> 00:19:17,843 ♪ Blow me away, blow me away, blow me away ♪ 457 00:19:18,003 --> 00:19:18,763 [all cheering] 458 00:19:18,923 --> 00:19:22,003 ♪ Blow me away ♪ 459 00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:24,803 Right, nine all. Next goal wins. 460 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,763 [whistle screeching] 461 00:19:26,923 --> 00:19:30,403 [crowd heckling and cheering] 462 00:19:38,843 --> 00:19:40,603 No, no. No, no, no. 463 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,203 [all cheering] 464 00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:49,803 Yes, I told you, Toast. We are the champions. 465 00:19:49,963 --> 00:19:51,483 Suck on that, Sydney. 466 00:19:53,363 --> 00:19:55,163 Uh, just a moment, Ray Fiennes wants a word. 467 00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:57,123 What's this about? 468 00:20:02,283 --> 00:20:03,803 Ray Fiennes has told me something. 469 00:20:03,963 --> 00:20:05,523 What did he say, Ed? 470 00:20:05,683 --> 00:20:08,563 He tells me that Mrs. Purchase isn't really a prostitute. 471 00:20:08,723 --> 00:20:10,043 Yes, she is! 472 00:20:10,203 --> 00:20:12,283 That not what you said on that bus, Purchase. 473 00:20:12,443 --> 00:20:13,843 My wife's not a prostitute. 474 00:20:14,003 --> 00:20:15,123 That's what you said. 475 00:20:15,283 --> 00:20:17,043 The whole of London heard you. 476 00:20:17,203 --> 00:20:19,363 Oh, Ray, you're sweet. I'm really touched. 477 00:20:19,523 --> 00:20:21,123 I said not in the conventional sense, 478 00:20:21,283 --> 00:20:22,563 she doesn't get paid for it, 479 00:20:22,723 --> 00:20:24,203 but she's eligible for this, surely. 480 00:20:24,363 --> 00:20:26,123 Let's not forget that we're all here 481 00:20:26,283 --> 00:20:28,523 to raise money for homeless ponies, 482 00:20:28,683 --> 00:20:29,763 that's the main thing. 483 00:20:29,923 --> 00:20:31,163 No, I'm sorry, Purchase. 484 00:20:31,323 --> 00:20:32,763 She doesn't get paid for her services, 485 00:20:32,923 --> 00:20:34,963 so she is not strictly a prostitute. 486 00:20:35,123 --> 00:20:37,363 Hang on, Ed. How does Ray Fiennes know that? 487 00:20:37,523 --> 00:20:40,083 [crowd gasping] 488 00:20:41,723 --> 00:20:42,283 Okay. 489 00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:46,163 I paid her a few times. 490 00:20:46,323 --> 00:20:47,723 What did you say? 491 00:20:47,883 --> 00:20:49,643 I said, I've paid her a few times. 492 00:20:49,803 --> 00:20:51,523 [crowd gasping] 493 00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:55,923 How sordid, paying your own wife to have sex with you. 494 00:20:56,083 --> 00:20:58,403 Ray, that was our little secret. 495 00:20:58,563 --> 00:21:00,163 Paying your own wife to have sex with you 496 00:21:00,323 --> 00:21:02,163 is not proper prostitution. 497 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,523 Therefore, I'm afraid Ray and Mrs. Purchase 498 00:21:05,683 --> 00:21:06,523 are disqualified. 499 00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:08,603 [crowd rebuking] 500 00:21:08,763 --> 00:21:10,203 Which means that Toast and Wendy Nook 501 00:21:10,363 --> 00:21:11,843 are deemed to be this year's champions. 502 00:21:12,003 --> 00:21:16,643 -[all cheering] -[whistle screeching] 503 00:21:18,963 --> 00:21:20,083 Well, well, well... 504 00:21:21,963 --> 00:21:25,123 You know what this means, don't you, Purchase? 505 00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:29,923 That you now have to do exactly what I want. 506 00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:31,923 Don't remember agreeing to that. 507 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,683 I'm afraid you did, old chap. 508 00:21:33,843 --> 00:21:35,403 No, I didn't. 509 00:21:35,563 --> 00:21:37,043 -[All] Yeah, you did. -[Crowd Member] Damn right. 510 00:21:39,563 --> 00:21:40,883 Damn straight. 511 00:21:41,043 --> 00:21:44,203 Now, let's see what I can come up with. 512 00:21:44,363 --> 00:21:47,363 [devious smooth music] 513 00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:52,043 We really were a bit silly, Ray, making that rash bet. 514 00:21:52,203 --> 00:21:53,483 So you've got no one to blame but yourself. 515 00:21:53,643 --> 00:21:55,283 [Toast] What's gonna happen now, Purchases? 516 00:21:55,443 --> 00:21:57,363 We're gonna get down to business like this. 517 00:21:57,523 --> 00:21:58,603 [Ray screaming] 518 00:21:58,763 --> 00:22:00,443 [Mrs Purchase] Oh, grow up, Ray. 519 00:22:00,603 --> 00:22:02,923 You're acting like a spoiled child. Oh! 520 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:04,683 [Toast] And I'm gonna pleasure your wife orally, 521 00:22:04,843 --> 00:22:06,243 much like this. 522 00:22:06,403 --> 00:22:07,523 [Mrs Purchase] Oh, God, that's good. 523 00:22:07,683 --> 00:22:10,843 [Ray screaming] 524 00:22:11,003 --> 00:22:14,603 Now we proceed to conventional doggy style intercourse, 525 00:22:14,763 --> 00:22:16,043 much like this. 526 00:22:16,203 --> 00:22:17,363 [Ray screaming] 527 00:22:17,523 --> 00:22:18,803 I'm sure you've noticed, Ray Purchase, 528 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,403 that I'm not wearing a sheath. 529 00:22:20,563 --> 00:22:21,843 [Mrs Purchase] Oh! 530 00:22:22,003 --> 00:22:23,523 So there's a fair chance she'll become pregnant, 531 00:22:23,683 --> 00:22:24,603 with my child. 532 00:22:24,763 --> 00:22:26,363 -[Mrs Purchase] Oh! -Ah! 533 00:22:26,523 --> 00:22:29,003 [Mrs Purchase] Oh, Ray, stop being so childish. 534 00:22:29,163 --> 00:22:30,363 This is good, Ray Purchase. 535 00:22:31,843 --> 00:22:32,803 It's very natural. 536 00:22:34,723 --> 00:22:36,603 -[Ray screaming] -[Toast slobbering] 537 00:22:36,763 --> 00:22:38,643 [Ray screaming] 538 00:22:38,803 --> 00:22:43,163 ♪ So take my hand, we'll disappear to above the sun ♪ 539 00:22:44,723 --> 00:22:46,043 ♪ Too far from here ♪ 540 00:22:46,203 --> 00:22:50,043 ♪ No, I don't know you, but you don't know me ♪ 541 00:22:50,203 --> 00:22:54,443 ♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪ 542 00:22:54,603 --> 00:22:58,043 ♪ So say you'll come, please come, girl ♪ 543 00:22:58,203 --> 00:23:01,923 ♪ You could be the one, for all I know ♪ 544 00:23:02,083 --> 00:23:05,203 ♪ And I don't know you... ♪ 545 00:23:07,723 --> 00:23:08,523 Gap.