1 00:00:01,010 --> 00:00:02,210 [intriguing celeste music] 2 00:00:02,343 --> 00:00:03,843 Okay, Steven. Ready to go? 3 00:00:03,976 --> 00:00:06,876 Oh, have I introduced you to our client, Nick Swivney? 4 00:00:07,010 --> 00:00:10,210 Yeah, whatever. Can we just get on with this please? 5 00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:12,610 Steven, this is Clem Fandango. 6 00:00:12,743 --> 00:00:14,776 Yeah. I know who you are. 7 00:00:14,910 --> 00:00:16,110 Can you hear me? 8 00:00:16,243 --> 00:00:18,176 Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. 9 00:00:20,976 --> 00:00:22,143 What do you want? 10 00:00:22,276 --> 00:00:23,543 Just letting you know we're ready to go. 11 00:00:23,676 --> 00:00:28,343 He just said that! You two are unbelievable. 12 00:00:31,843 --> 00:00:34,843 The smooth taste of Red Carpet Cigarettes 13 00:00:34,976 --> 00:00:38,443 is coming to the Democratic Republic of Congo. 14 00:00:38,576 --> 00:00:42,210 Everybody knows that cigarettes are good for you. 15 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:46,843 Red Carpet Cigarettes, once you smoke one, you'll want more, 16 00:00:46,976 --> 00:00:51,743 and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more. 17 00:00:53,910 --> 00:00:55,843 [Nick Swivney] Yes. [laughs] 18 00:00:59,676 --> 00:01:01,210 No. 19 00:01:01,343 --> 00:01:05,476 That went well. The lady, Jane, she's a fine, fine woman. 20 00:01:06,276 --> 00:01:07,143 She's your agent, yes? 21 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,643 Yeah, she's my agent. 22 00:01:08,776 --> 00:01:11,710 You are fucking her, yes? Eh? 23 00:01:11,843 --> 00:01:14,510 No, I'm not. Look, am I done here? 24 00:01:14,643 --> 00:01:16,276 Tell Jane, "Hello," from me. 25 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,476 [laughs] 26 00:01:20,610 --> 00:01:21,943 [all laughing] 27 00:01:22,110 --> 00:01:24,310 Eh? [laughs] 28 00:01:24,443 --> 00:01:27,543 [elegant piano music] 29 00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:53,510 India, which bloody button do I press? 30 00:01:53,643 --> 00:01:54,343 [India] You just press play. 31 00:01:54,476 --> 00:01:55,276 Yes, I know! 32 00:01:56,710 --> 00:02:00,343 [cheering and clapping] 33 00:02:00,476 --> 00:02:01,643 Killer whales? 34 00:02:01,776 --> 00:02:02,643 Well, I'm sure they train you, 35 00:02:02,776 --> 00:02:04,243 couple of hours in the morning, 36 00:02:04,376 --> 00:02:06,576 you'd be performing with them in the pool by lunchtime. 37 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,176 Why would you even suggest this, Jane? 38 00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:11,676 I'm an actor, not a bloody whale charmer for Christ's sake. 39 00:02:11,810 --> 00:02:12,943 You might want to watch your language 40 00:02:13,110 --> 00:02:14,510 and remember who you're talking to, Toast. 41 00:02:14,643 --> 00:02:17,743 [laptop slams shut] 42 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:20,743 Ah, murder mystery! Vengeful husband. 43 00:02:20,876 --> 00:02:23,110 Rula Lenska's already said, "Yes," to the wife. 44 00:02:24,843 --> 00:02:25,776 Cats. 45 00:02:30,143 --> 00:02:31,710 Children's television! 46 00:02:32,976 --> 00:02:34,176 [Steven Voiceover] Good God, never again. 47 00:02:34,310 --> 00:02:36,743 So who's going on their holidays this week? 48 00:02:36,876 --> 00:02:40,110 That's right, it's Jennifer. Off you go, Steven. 49 00:02:40,210 --> 00:02:43,843 [peaceful celeste music] 50 00:02:43,976 --> 00:02:46,276 I wonder where Jennifer's going. 51 00:02:46,410 --> 00:02:47,376 [sparks and burning] 52 00:02:47,510 --> 00:02:48,976 Shit, man, you're fucking... 53 00:02:49,110 --> 00:02:50,843 [scream is cut off] 54 00:02:50,976 --> 00:02:53,243 [fire extinguisher spraying] 55 00:02:53,376 --> 00:02:55,676 How did you get on with Nick Swivney? 56 00:02:55,810 --> 00:02:58,676 You know he's trying to flog cigarettes to the Congo? 57 00:02:58,810 --> 00:03:00,143 The poorest people in the world. 58 00:03:00,276 --> 00:03:03,276 Yeah. They're rather tasty, actually. 59 00:03:03,410 --> 00:03:05,210 Why would you put me up for something like that? 60 00:03:05,343 --> 00:03:06,843 You're concerned for ethical reasons, 61 00:03:06,976 --> 00:03:09,210 or because someone might find out about it? 62 00:03:09,343 --> 00:03:11,010 Because someone might find out about it. 63 00:03:11,143 --> 00:03:12,810 Why can't you find me something decent? 64 00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:16,010 I suggest a little rethink on the Norris Flipjack advert. 65 00:03:16,143 --> 00:03:17,676 Mm-mm. 66 00:03:17,810 --> 00:03:19,743 You'll be shooting it at his extensive woodland estate. 67 00:03:19,876 --> 00:03:20,810 No I won't. 68 00:03:20,943 --> 00:03:22,210 -It's mega money, Toast. -Mm-mm. 69 00:03:22,343 --> 00:03:23,976 And any advert directed by Flipjack 70 00:03:24,110 --> 00:03:26,976 has quality written all over it. 71 00:03:27,110 --> 00:03:27,976 Nope. 72 00:03:28,110 --> 00:03:30,976 [upbeat guitar riff] 73 00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:34,743 Fantastic. This is going to be great. 74 00:03:34,876 --> 00:03:37,510 Now, where's my star? 75 00:03:38,676 --> 00:03:41,910 There he is, fashionably late. 76 00:03:42,110 --> 00:03:44,543 Hey Jackie, how you doing? Hey Phil, you old tiger! 77 00:03:44,676 --> 00:03:48,843 Barry. Chris. Hey Maxine! You're looking good! 78 00:03:48,976 --> 00:03:50,110 [Maxine] Thanks, Ray. 79 00:03:50,976 --> 00:03:52,710 Ray bloody Purchase. 80 00:03:52,843 --> 00:03:54,110 Toast. 81 00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:55,810 How you feeling this morning, Ray? 82 00:03:55,943 --> 00:03:57,510 Wow, what a night! 83 00:03:57,643 --> 00:03:59,543 I tell you what, this cat really knows how to throw a party. 84 00:03:59,676 --> 00:04:01,210 [laughs] 85 00:04:01,343 --> 00:04:02,776 But you wouldn't know about that would you, Toast? 86 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,243 Because you weren't invited. How embarrassing. 87 00:04:04,376 --> 00:04:07,010 Right! Let's make an advert! 88 00:04:08,543 --> 00:04:09,843 I'm ready, let's go! 89 00:04:09,976 --> 00:04:12,010 [Norris Flipjack] You heard him, let's go! 90 00:04:12,143 --> 00:04:15,110 Okay, first positions. Turn over. 91 00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:17,243 Cue travelator, and... 92 00:04:17,376 --> 00:04:19,643 [travelator whirring] 93 00:04:19,776 --> 00:04:20,643 Action! 94 00:04:20,776 --> 00:04:22,243 [groovy music] 95 00:04:22,376 --> 00:04:23,610 * 081 * 96 00:04:23,743 --> 00:04:24,443 [clapping] 97 00:04:24,576 --> 00:04:25,543 * 666 * 98 00:04:25,676 --> 00:04:26,343 [clapping] 99 00:04:26,476 --> 00:04:27,676 * 081 * 100 00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:28,476 [clapping] 101 00:04:28,610 --> 00:04:31,110 * 666 * 102 00:04:31,210 --> 00:04:32,543 Okay, cut! Cut! 103 00:04:32,676 --> 00:04:34,876 [travelator beeping] 104 00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:36,476 [Ray Purchase grunting] 105 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,710 Right, that's lunch. 106 00:04:39,276 --> 00:04:40,876 You jumped-up prick. 107 00:04:42,510 --> 00:04:45,543 Whatever petty crap exists between you and Ray Purchase 108 00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,976 is of no interest to me. 109 00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:51,676 But if it starts to jeopardise the making of my advert-- 110 00:04:51,810 --> 00:04:53,676 I've gotta be honest with you, Flipjack. 111 00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:55,843 I hate everything about your advert. 112 00:04:55,976 --> 00:04:59,310 What kind of arsehole doesn't like my adverts! 113 00:04:59,443 --> 00:05:00,910 This kind of arsehole! 114 00:05:01,110 --> 00:05:02,676 [gun cocking] 115 00:05:02,810 --> 00:05:04,676 That's clearly a prop gun, Flipjack. 116 00:05:04,810 --> 00:05:08,176 Really? Well let's see, shall we? If you don't say, 117 00:05:08,310 --> 00:05:11,310 "I'm sorry, Norris. I love your adverts, I--" 118 00:05:11,443 --> 00:05:12,376 [metal clinking] 119 00:05:12,510 --> 00:05:14,376 Put down that fox. 120 00:05:14,510 --> 00:05:16,810 Barbecuing defenceless animals, you're insane! 121 00:05:18,810 --> 00:05:20,343 Go on, fella. Run for your life. 122 00:05:20,476 --> 00:05:22,543 He's dead, you idiot! 123 00:05:22,676 --> 00:05:24,510 [gunshot] 124 00:05:24,643 --> 00:05:27,176 Ah, didn't expect that, did you Flipjack? 125 00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:30,476 You see, Toast, what you don't know-- 126 00:05:30,610 --> 00:05:32,910 You see, Flipjack, what you don't know-- 127 00:05:33,110 --> 00:05:34,610 How's the barbecue going, guys? 128 00:05:35,576 --> 00:05:37,110 He was barbecuing a fox! 129 00:05:37,243 --> 00:05:39,476 I wasn't barbecuing it, I was roasting it on a spit. 130 00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:40,943 It's the kind of thing that goes on 131 00:05:41,110 --> 00:05:43,510 all the time in the countryside, Toast. Get used to it. 132 00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:44,910 Now I fancy a fox burger. 133 00:05:45,110 --> 00:05:46,943 Tuck in, Ray. 134 00:05:47,110 --> 00:05:48,243 There you go, Toast. 135 00:05:49,310 --> 00:05:50,810 What's this for? 136 00:05:50,943 --> 00:05:55,343 Bus fare. Don't bother coming back after lunch. [laughs] 137 00:05:56,776 --> 00:06:00,143 [both laughing] 138 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,776 [groovy music] 139 00:06:04,110 --> 00:06:07,110 * You're crass and so obscene * 140 00:06:07,176 --> 00:06:09,776 * You're the man who has got everything * 141 00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,376 * Without a sense of it all * 142 00:06:12,510 --> 00:06:15,476 * How dare you speak to me * 143 00:06:15,610 --> 00:06:18,210 * You're nothing but an amateur * 144 00:06:18,343 --> 00:06:20,610 * Who sits and waits by the phone * 145 00:06:20,743 --> 00:06:24,443 * I wish I was dead or on TV * 146 00:06:24,576 --> 00:06:28,843 * Well that's the kind of success that you will never see * 147 00:06:28,976 --> 00:06:32,110 * You really are a joke * 148 00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:34,643 * I fail to see the humour * 149 00:06:34,776 --> 00:06:38,110 * 'Cause you've no sense of it all * 150 00:06:38,176 --> 00:06:40,810 [both laughing] 151 00:06:43,810 --> 00:06:45,676 [sombre guitar riff] 152 00:06:45,810 --> 00:06:48,443 He was barbecuing foxes, you say? 153 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,543 He was, he had one on a spit. 154 00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,910 I believe he's in the Countryside Alliance, 155 00:06:53,110 --> 00:06:55,143 he can do what he likes. 156 00:06:55,276 --> 00:06:58,243 But as I told you, best not to cross Norris Flipjack. 157 00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,776 He will crush you like that. 158 00:07:00,910 --> 00:07:03,343 [mug crunching and shattering] 159 00:07:03,476 --> 00:07:05,943 [splashing] 160 00:07:06,110 --> 00:07:08,343 Yes. Well, I'm done with all these shit jobs, Jane. 161 00:07:08,476 --> 00:07:10,110 I got a few quid in the bank. 162 00:07:10,176 --> 00:07:12,843 It's not like I'm facing a massive tax bill anytime soon. 163 00:07:13,810 --> 00:07:16,943 [jaunty music] 164 00:07:17,110 --> 00:07:18,510 [Ray Purchase] Good afternoon, 165 00:07:18,643 --> 00:07:21,143 I'd like to report Steven Gonville Toast for tax evasion. 166 00:07:21,276 --> 00:07:22,376 [cars honking] 167 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,543 Unfortunately, Ray Purchase 168 00:07:24,676 --> 00:07:26,943 has reported you to the tax people. 169 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:28,610 [Toast scoffs] 170 00:07:28,743 --> 00:07:31,476 Why is he such a grass? I could kill him with a spoon. 171 00:07:31,610 --> 00:07:33,376 Well, that may be so, but brace yourself, Toast. 172 00:07:33,510 --> 00:07:36,976 You now owe the tax people a quarter of a million pounds. 173 00:07:37,110 --> 00:07:38,676 [Toast wheezes] 174 00:07:38,810 --> 00:07:41,810 God. I thought you took care of all the tax stuff, Jane! 175 00:07:43,843 --> 00:07:44,676 Jane! 176 00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:48,343 Look, you may have to take a few jobs 177 00:07:48,476 --> 00:07:49,910 that don't particularly appeal for a while, 178 00:07:50,110 --> 00:07:52,643 but this Harry Potter show will be great. 179 00:07:52,776 --> 00:07:54,310 When I got into this profession, 180 00:07:54,443 --> 00:07:57,210 I had no intention of entertaining anybody. 181 00:07:57,343 --> 00:07:59,376 Least of all, children. 182 00:07:59,510 --> 00:08:01,610 Actors can't always pick and choose, Toast. 183 00:08:01,743 --> 00:08:04,476 Even very successful ones. 184 00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:06,376 I know, when things were a little lax 185 00:08:06,510 --> 00:08:09,443 for John Nettles last year, he turned to a spot of poaching. 186 00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:10,810 Poaching? 187 00:08:10,943 --> 00:08:11,843 Yes. Just to put food on the table 188 00:08:11,976 --> 00:08:13,110 before his next job at the Nash. 189 00:08:13,176 --> 00:08:13,910 Really? 190 00:08:14,110 --> 00:08:15,010 Shall we? 191 00:08:15,143 --> 00:08:17,443 [jaunty music] 192 00:08:17,576 --> 00:08:19,143 Everything going well, Eric? 193 00:08:19,276 --> 00:08:21,343 Still on the EastEnders? 194 00:08:21,476 --> 00:08:25,310 "Leave it out, Pat!" [laughs] 195 00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:28,410 [door slamming] 196 00:08:28,543 --> 00:08:29,410 What the hell was that? 197 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:30,843 Sounds like the back door. 198 00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:34,210 [John Nettles panting] 199 00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,110 30 quid, the lot. 200 00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:39,876 How many rabbits? 201 00:08:40,010 --> 00:08:41,543 Three. 202 00:08:41,676 --> 00:08:42,576 That's not a rabbit, looks more like a squirrel. 203 00:08:42,710 --> 00:08:44,110 It's a rabbit. 204 00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:46,010 I don't think so, John. 205 00:08:46,143 --> 00:08:47,810 We'd have to skin them and all that. 206 00:08:47,943 --> 00:08:49,510 Juliet Stevenson could do all that for you 207 00:08:49,643 --> 00:08:51,343 for extra tenner. 208 00:08:51,476 --> 00:08:52,610 Not really that keen. 209 00:08:53,976 --> 00:08:57,243 Oh, right. Well, I'll try Tim Pigott-Smith. 210 00:08:57,376 --> 00:08:58,843 [Toast scoffs] 211 00:08:58,976 --> 00:09:00,776 You can't help yourself, can you? 212 00:09:00,910 --> 00:09:01,976 What do you mean, can't help myself? 213 00:09:02,110 --> 00:09:03,610 Name drop. 214 00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:05,876 You can't get a sentence out without John Mills this, 215 00:09:06,010 --> 00:09:08,110 or Tim Pigott-Smith that. 216 00:09:08,176 --> 00:09:10,810 Go easy, Toast. Poor man's on his uppers. 217 00:09:10,943 --> 00:09:13,476 No, you're right. I'm sorry, Nettles. 218 00:09:14,443 --> 00:09:16,110 Good luck with your rabbits. 219 00:09:16,210 --> 00:09:18,010 And give my love to the family. 220 00:09:18,143 --> 00:09:19,543 [John Nettles muttering] 221 00:09:19,676 --> 00:09:21,910 Try Hugh fucking Bonneville. 222 00:09:22,110 --> 00:09:24,410 [door slams] 223 00:09:26,110 --> 00:09:27,743 I hope I never have to do anything like that, Ed. 224 00:09:27,876 --> 00:09:28,710 No. 225 00:09:30,410 --> 00:09:32,110 Oh, looks like we're on for another train strike, Toast. 226 00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:33,343 Tell you, Thatcher would've sorted that out 227 00:09:33,476 --> 00:09:34,710 with a single phone call to Cobra. 228 00:09:34,843 --> 00:09:35,976 Indeed. 229 00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:37,243 Hope you're not thinking of going anywhere. 230 00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:38,776 That's the least of my troubles, Ed. 231 00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:40,243 Jane's got me doing these shitty jobs 232 00:09:40,376 --> 00:09:41,743 to pay off that tax bill. 233 00:09:41,876 --> 00:09:43,610 How was that Harry Potter show? 234 00:09:43,743 --> 00:09:46,410 The director was a wanker! They're all useless. 235 00:09:46,543 --> 00:09:48,110 I don't respect any of them. 236 00:09:48,176 --> 00:09:50,710 In fact, I don't respect anybody. 237 00:09:50,843 --> 00:09:52,376 Really? 238 00:09:52,510 --> 00:09:54,776 Yeah, I can't think of a single person on this earth 239 00:09:54,910 --> 00:09:56,876 that I have any respect for. 240 00:09:58,210 --> 00:09:59,676 Have you ever thought of directing, Toast? 241 00:09:59,810 --> 00:10:02,143 [Toast gasps] 242 00:10:02,276 --> 00:10:03,843 Well, that's not a bad idea. 243 00:10:05,443 --> 00:10:08,110 I think I'd be an excellent director now you mention it, Ed. 244 00:10:08,243 --> 00:10:09,976 Might not be as easy as it looks, Toast. 245 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,910 Some actors can be a little difficult. 246 00:10:12,043 --> 00:10:14,676 [phone ringing] 247 00:10:15,943 --> 00:10:17,310 Toast. 248 00:10:17,443 --> 00:10:19,110 Calendar Girls. 249 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,176 What's that? 250 00:10:20,310 --> 00:10:21,810 Oh you must know about it, Toast. 251 00:10:21,943 --> 00:10:24,676 A load of prim, middle-aged women pose nude for a calendar 252 00:10:24,810 --> 00:10:25,976 to raise money for charity. 253 00:10:26,110 --> 00:10:27,610 They pose nude for a calendar? 254 00:10:27,743 --> 00:10:28,476 That's correct. 255 00:10:28,610 --> 00:10:29,643 The Women's Institute? 256 00:10:29,776 --> 00:10:31,276 Indeed. 257 00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:33,443 There's one thing I don't get, Jane. 258 00:10:33,576 --> 00:10:35,576 Who the fuck would wanna buy something like that? 259 00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:39,043 How dare you'll be so rude about the WI, Toast. 260 00:10:39,176 --> 00:10:41,343 Anyway, the producer and a director, for some reason, 261 00:10:41,476 --> 00:10:42,743 are very keen to meet you. 262 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:45,176 I suggested the Colonial Club tomorrow afternoon. 263 00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:46,176 Who are they? 264 00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:48,176 Duncan Clench and Bob Fennison. 265 00:10:48,310 --> 00:10:49,276 Never heard of them. 266 00:10:49,410 --> 00:10:51,110 Oh, one tiny thing. 267 00:10:51,243 --> 00:10:54,210 Bob Fennison has a very minor facial blemish. 268 00:10:54,343 --> 00:10:55,810 Well, what's the matter with him? 269 00:10:55,943 --> 00:10:57,410 Do you know, it's so minor I don't even remember. 270 00:10:57,543 --> 00:10:59,610 Anyway, we are well on the way to paying off 271 00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:02,343 your quarter of a million pound tax bill! Toodaloo. 272 00:11:03,643 --> 00:11:04,310 So what was that, Toast? 273 00:11:04,443 --> 00:11:05,843 That was Jane! 274 00:11:05,976 --> 00:11:08,110 She's got me a part in something called Calendar Girls. 275 00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:11,443 Hmm. The Women's Institute. Yes. 276 00:11:11,576 --> 00:11:13,110 I have one of those calendars. 277 00:11:13,210 --> 00:11:15,576 Ah. Sounds weird. Like niche porn. 278 00:11:15,710 --> 00:11:17,710 The ladies, mostly of the mature variety, 279 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,976 and somewhat out of shape, are totally nude. 280 00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:21,576 Yeah, so I gather. 281 00:11:21,710 --> 00:11:24,410 However, homemade cupcakes and jars of chutney 282 00:11:24,543 --> 00:11:27,243 discreetly obscure the more intimate parts of their bodies, 283 00:11:27,376 --> 00:11:28,910 leaving the viewer's imagination 284 00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:31,510 to picture the erotic delights concealed beneath. 285 00:11:35,476 --> 00:11:37,643 I might just go and see if I can find my calendar. 286 00:11:39,410 --> 00:11:41,243 Just check some dates. 287 00:11:41,376 --> 00:11:43,710 [Toast groans and scoffs] 288 00:11:43,843 --> 00:11:46,110 [upbeat guitar riff] 289 00:11:46,243 --> 00:11:50,676 Steven. I'm Duncan Clench, producer. 290 00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:54,543 And this is Bob Fennison, our director. 291 00:11:54,676 --> 00:11:55,643 Hi, Steven. 292 00:11:55,776 --> 00:11:56,643 Something to eat? 293 00:11:57,643 --> 00:11:58,743 Oh, there's a menu. 294 00:11:58,876 --> 00:12:00,243 Oh. 295 00:12:00,376 --> 00:12:04,210 A club sandwich for me, I think. Bob? 296 00:12:05,576 --> 00:12:07,376 What has Jane told you about Calendar Girls? 297 00:12:07,510 --> 00:12:09,410 I presume you're familiar with the production? 298 00:12:09,543 --> 00:12:12,476 It's been touring constantly since 2008, 299 00:12:12,610 --> 00:12:15,810 So everything's running very smoothly at this stage. 300 00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:19,710 You'll be playing the part of the photographer, 301 00:12:19,843 --> 00:12:23,410 which is an absolutely key role. 302 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,610 I can't operate a camera, does that matter? 303 00:12:25,743 --> 00:12:28,710 No, you won't be actually taking any photographs, 304 00:12:28,843 --> 00:12:30,310 so it's no... 305 00:12:30,443 --> 00:12:33,810 What? Sorry about this, Steven. Be back in the moment. 306 00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:42,010 Sorry about that, Steven. 307 00:12:42,143 --> 00:12:43,643 Everything all right? 308 00:12:43,776 --> 00:12:45,476 Oh no, it's just that... Well, Bob was a bit upset. 309 00:12:45,610 --> 00:12:49,476 He thought he should be included more in the conversation. 310 00:12:49,610 --> 00:12:51,210 Maybe we should include him more. 311 00:12:52,776 --> 00:12:55,276 So, where will we be rehearsing the play, Bob? 312 00:12:55,410 --> 00:12:57,243 Eastbourne, tomorrow. 313 00:12:57,376 --> 00:12:59,343 We've got a fantastic bunch of actors. [laughs] 314 00:12:59,476 --> 00:13:00,776 [Toast] Shit. 315 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,343 Oh, Sorry about this. 316 00:13:05,776 --> 00:13:07,343 Steven, we're gonna have to go. 317 00:13:07,476 --> 00:13:10,376 I didn't let him answer your question about meeting the cast 318 00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:12,510 and now he's furious. [chuckles] 319 00:13:12,643 --> 00:13:14,276 You've probably noticed he's... 320 00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:16,243 His... 321 00:13:16,376 --> 00:13:17,110 What? 322 00:13:17,176 --> 00:13:17,910 His... 323 00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,110 He's quite shy. 324 00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:20,443 Oh. 325 00:13:20,576 --> 00:13:21,710 Doesn't really like being out in company. 326 00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:24,110 Anyway, it's been very nice meeting you. 327 00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:25,643 Oh, come on! 328 00:13:26,810 --> 00:13:28,243 And we'll speak soon. 329 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:30,943 [jaunty music] 330 00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:31,876 Fucking hell. 331 00:13:37,510 --> 00:13:38,743 Anything could happen now. 332 00:13:40,576 --> 00:13:41,576 Dead? 333 00:13:41,710 --> 00:13:42,543 Yes. 334 00:13:42,676 --> 00:13:43,743 What, both of them? 335 00:13:43,876 --> 00:13:46,210 Yes. The police located their empty car 336 00:13:46,343 --> 00:13:48,976 and two pairs of pyjamas at Beachy Head. 337 00:13:49,110 --> 00:13:50,643 Good God. 338 00:13:50,776 --> 00:13:52,576 They're working on a theory that they went for a dip, 339 00:13:52,710 --> 00:13:55,443 and whilst in the water, Bob drowned Duncan, 340 00:13:55,576 --> 00:13:57,543 and then drowned himself! 341 00:13:57,676 --> 00:14:00,276 There was a really sad suicide note. 342 00:14:00,410 --> 00:14:02,543 What, the police went for a dip with Bob and Duncan? 343 00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:03,843 No. 344 00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:05,443 But wouldn't the police had tried to stop 345 00:14:05,576 --> 00:14:07,110 Bob from drowning Duncan before Bob drowned himself? 346 00:14:07,176 --> 00:14:09,110 I wish you'd listen, just Bob and Duncan went for a dip. 347 00:14:09,243 --> 00:14:10,410 So the police were watching from the shore? 348 00:14:10,543 --> 00:14:12,810 No, the police weren't involved at this point! 349 00:14:12,943 --> 00:14:14,643 Ah. Maybe it was an accident. 350 00:14:14,776 --> 00:14:16,210 God, there was a suicide note! 351 00:14:16,343 --> 00:14:17,710 Maybe it wasn't an accident. 352 00:14:17,843 --> 00:14:19,110 [Jane sighs] 353 00:14:19,176 --> 00:14:20,876 Bob was fiercely jealous of Duncan. 354 00:14:21,010 --> 00:14:22,710 And according to the suicide note, 355 00:14:22,843 --> 00:14:25,210 believed that Duncan was in love with you. 356 00:14:25,343 --> 00:14:28,243 Did anything happen between you and Duncan? 357 00:14:28,376 --> 00:14:31,543 Did it fuck! No. We just went for a drink. 358 00:14:31,676 --> 00:14:33,243 In fact, only I had a drink. 359 00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:34,976 They had to rush off for a train. 360 00:14:35,110 --> 00:14:37,343 Now the show's missing a producer and a director. 361 00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:38,676 I mean, producer doesn't matter, 362 00:14:38,810 --> 00:14:40,143 but they really need a strong director 363 00:14:40,276 --> 00:14:42,610 to break in the new cast. 364 00:14:42,743 --> 00:14:44,343 Yes. 365 00:14:44,476 --> 00:14:45,376 Sorry? 366 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:47,510 I'll do it. Opportunity knocks. 367 00:14:47,643 --> 00:14:49,410 You want to be a director? 368 00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:51,243 Yes, I would like to be a director, 369 00:14:51,376 --> 00:14:52,743 and I think I'd be pretty good at it, don't you? 370 00:14:52,876 --> 00:14:54,376 Well it's not just the technical skills, 371 00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:56,276 you need people skills as well, Toast. 372 00:14:56,410 --> 00:14:57,643 I've got people skills. 373 00:14:57,776 --> 00:14:58,643 [Jane scoffs] 374 00:14:58,776 --> 00:15:00,110 And a very good sense of humour. 375 00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:01,643 [Jane laughs] 376 00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,276 If you are directing, 377 00:15:03,410 --> 00:15:05,143 will you be able to take on the role of the photographer? 378 00:15:05,276 --> 00:15:08,110 It's a shit role anyway. Any halfwit could do it. 379 00:15:08,210 --> 00:15:09,376 [upbeat guitar riff] 380 00:15:09,510 --> 00:15:11,610 This is Ed Howzer-Black, 381 00:15:11,743 --> 00:15:13,710 and he'll be playing the part of the photographer. 382 00:15:13,843 --> 00:15:15,743 [all clapping] 383 00:15:15,876 --> 00:15:19,476 Yes. Now, the first thing we're going to have a look at is-- 384 00:15:19,610 --> 00:15:21,510 Sorry to immediately interrupt, Toast. 385 00:15:23,110 --> 00:15:25,976 Did you plan to have the ladies undressed for this scene? 386 00:15:26,110 --> 00:15:27,243 This is just the rehearsal, Ed. 387 00:15:27,376 --> 00:15:29,176 Wouldn't it help at all? 388 00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:30,876 There might be something more natural about it. 389 00:15:31,010 --> 00:15:33,110 You're not even in this scene. 390 00:15:33,243 --> 00:15:34,310 Why don't you go to your dressing room 391 00:15:34,443 --> 00:15:35,910 and I'll see you at lunch? 392 00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:37,510 No, I think I'll stay around if you don't mind. 393 00:15:37,643 --> 00:15:40,110 I'd quite like to see your directing style. 394 00:15:40,176 --> 00:15:41,376 Well I can tell you, 395 00:15:41,510 --> 00:15:43,576 my directing style will be very forceful indeed. 396 00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:47,176 Yes. I intend to treat these people as cattle. 397 00:15:48,143 --> 00:15:48,810 Quite so. 398 00:15:48,943 --> 00:15:49,776 Yes. 399 00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:52,710 All right, ladies. 400 00:15:52,843 --> 00:15:55,943 We need the actresses called Jennifer and Alexandra. 401 00:15:58,143 --> 00:15:58,976 Right. 402 00:16:01,376 --> 00:16:03,443 Okay, this is the scene where you're both 403 00:16:03,576 --> 00:16:05,110 worried about telling your husbands 404 00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:08,110 that you're going to do a nude calendar shoot. 405 00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:11,176 Here we go. And, action! 406 00:16:11,310 --> 00:16:14,776 Ooh, I am slightly worried about telling my Bert. 407 00:16:14,910 --> 00:16:17,910 What are his mates down the pub going to think? I... 408 00:16:21,776 --> 00:16:24,010 Sorry. [giggles] I forgot my line. 409 00:16:24,910 --> 00:16:26,810 [Toast giggles] 410 00:16:26,943 --> 00:16:28,310 You've forgotten your line? 411 00:16:29,910 --> 00:16:32,476 I just assumed you'd be a bit better prepared than that. 412 00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,110 Okay, let's go again. 413 00:16:35,176 --> 00:16:36,710 Action! 414 00:16:36,843 --> 00:16:40,243 Ooh, I am slightly worried about telling my Bert. 415 00:16:40,376 --> 00:16:43,943 What are his mates down the pub going to think? I... 416 00:16:46,476 --> 00:16:49,243 Sorry, I forgot my line. [giggles] 417 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:50,876 You did what? 418 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,476 I forgot my line. 419 00:16:52,610 --> 00:16:55,576 What the fuck is wrong with you! Show her her line! 420 00:16:58,910 --> 00:17:01,476 And concentrate, and don't fuck it up! Action! 421 00:17:03,476 --> 00:17:07,010 Ooh, I am slightly worried about telling my Bert. 422 00:17:07,143 --> 00:17:10,710 What are his mates down the pub going to think? I... 423 00:17:14,310 --> 00:17:15,743 Sorry, I've-- 424 00:17:15,876 --> 00:17:17,876 [mocking] "I've forgotten my line." 425 00:17:18,010 --> 00:17:19,810 Are you fucking retarded! 426 00:17:19,943 --> 00:17:21,510 What the shit is between your ears! 427 00:17:21,643 --> 00:17:22,443 Can I... 428 00:17:24,110 --> 00:17:26,910 Sorry. She's not really responding to your direction. 429 00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:28,776 May I suggest a small piece of advice? 430 00:17:28,910 --> 00:17:29,976 What? 431 00:17:30,110 --> 00:17:31,543 I think you could possibly be 432 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,276 a little more forceful with her. 433 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:34,343 More forceful? 434 00:17:34,476 --> 00:17:36,910 Yes. A tad more aggressive. 435 00:17:37,110 --> 00:17:38,610 I'd give that a go. May well work. 436 00:17:38,743 --> 00:17:39,576 Okay. 437 00:17:45,610 --> 00:17:47,576 Jennifer, I'll be to the point, 438 00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:50,310 if you knacker this scene again 439 00:17:50,443 --> 00:17:53,343 I'll fucking fire you from this production! 440 00:17:53,476 --> 00:17:56,676 And I'll replace you with an actress who can actually act! 441 00:17:59,743 --> 00:18:00,610 Action! 442 00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:06,476 Ooh, I am slightly worried about telling my Bert. 443 00:18:08,110 --> 00:18:09,943 What are his mates down the pub going to think? I... 444 00:18:11,776 --> 00:18:15,610 [Toast breathes threateningly] 445 00:18:19,643 --> 00:18:22,476 [jaunty music] 446 00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,510 Okay. So, Sally's just given you the news. 447 00:18:25,643 --> 00:18:28,210 What's needed here is a small reaction, 448 00:18:28,343 --> 00:18:31,376 because you don't want Sally to know that you're upset. 449 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:32,410 Right? 450 00:18:33,643 --> 00:18:34,743 Action. 451 00:18:34,876 --> 00:18:37,110 [cries hysterically] 452 00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:38,743 What the hell are you doing? 453 00:18:38,876 --> 00:18:42,110 I said a small reaction, you fucking donut! 454 00:18:42,176 --> 00:18:43,610 Let's give it one more try 455 00:18:43,743 --> 00:18:46,810 before I replace you with a chimpanzee. Right? 456 00:18:46,943 --> 00:18:49,576 Now pull yourself together! Action! 457 00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:51,710 [sobbing uncontrollably] 458 00:18:51,843 --> 00:18:54,676 No! No, no, no! 459 00:18:54,810 --> 00:18:59,643 I say! You can't speak to our actors like that! 460 00:18:59,776 --> 00:19:03,476 Is that Clench? Hang on, I thought you were dead! 461 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:08,443 There was an incident, with Bob. He tried to drown me. 462 00:19:09,276 --> 00:19:10,876 I drifted out to sea. 463 00:19:11,010 --> 00:19:14,376 But luckily, I was washed up just outside the theatre. 464 00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:17,276 Why are you directing this production? 465 00:19:17,410 --> 00:19:19,810 I think you should leave this show. 466 00:19:19,943 --> 00:19:22,943 Well screw you, sailor. It's a shit show, anyway. 467 00:19:23,110 --> 00:19:24,510 Bunch of middle-aged tarts, 468 00:19:24,643 --> 00:19:27,110 hiding their tits behind flowerpots. 469 00:19:27,243 --> 00:19:28,676 Well I can do much better than this. 470 00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:30,910 Come on Ed, we're going. Where is he? 471 00:19:31,110 --> 00:19:31,743 [camera clicking] 472 00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:33,310 What are you doing, Ed? 473 00:19:33,443 --> 00:19:34,910 Just rehearsing a photography scene with Alison here. 474 00:19:35,110 --> 00:19:36,976 Never mind that, we gotta get back to London. 475 00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:37,910 Unlikely, Toast. 476 00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:38,910 Why? 477 00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:40,376 That rail strike has gone ahead. 478 00:19:40,510 --> 00:19:41,576 [Toast sighs] 479 00:19:41,710 --> 00:19:43,143 Anyway, Alison has just offered 480 00:19:43,276 --> 00:19:44,243 to put me up for the night. 481 00:19:44,376 --> 00:19:45,576 Really? 482 00:19:45,710 --> 00:19:49,876 I could give you a lift back if you like. 483 00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:51,443 Great. Where's your car? 484 00:19:51,576 --> 00:19:53,643 Oh, I don't have a car. 485 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:54,876 What do you have? 486 00:19:59,410 --> 00:20:02,443 Oh. 487 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:03,543 What's the problem? 488 00:20:05,210 --> 00:20:09,410 It's... I found the day's rehearsals very distressing. 489 00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,376 You're an extremely aggressive director, 490 00:20:14,843 --> 00:20:17,243 and because I was a bit upset, 491 00:20:17,376 --> 00:20:22,276 I may have forgotten to put fuel into the tank. 492 00:20:23,576 --> 00:20:24,443 [engine cluttering and alarms blaring] 493 00:20:24,576 --> 00:20:26,376 Oh, for fuck's sake! 494 00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:31,243 [plane crashing and exploding] 495 00:20:32,243 --> 00:20:35,010 [Toast coughing] 496 00:20:41,043 --> 00:20:41,810 Good God. 497 00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:47,543 God, sorry about earlier. 498 00:20:49,210 --> 00:20:53,976 I may have been a tad over the top. No hard feelings, and-- 499 00:20:55,310 --> 00:20:57,176 Okay. Stop there, don't move, whoever you are. 500 00:20:57,310 --> 00:20:58,843 [rifle cocking] 501 00:20:58,976 --> 00:21:02,010 You know this is private land. Show your face, you bastard. 502 00:21:03,476 --> 00:21:06,943 Toast? What the hell are you doing here? 503 00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:09,610 I was in a plane that just crashed in this wood. 504 00:21:09,743 --> 00:21:11,176 A likely story. 505 00:21:11,310 --> 00:21:13,276 Is that really the best you can come up with, Toast? 506 00:21:13,410 --> 00:21:16,943 Oh. [laughs] You'll be pleased to hear that my advert, 507 00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:19,110 that you hate so much, 508 00:21:19,243 --> 00:21:24,010 will be playing in over 100,000 cinemas across the world. 509 00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:29,743 So your decision to walk means zero royalties for you! 510 00:21:29,876 --> 00:21:30,776 Fucknut! 511 00:21:30,910 --> 00:21:32,143 Yeah! 512 00:21:32,276 --> 00:21:35,943 And now I see, you're reduced to poaching. 513 00:21:36,110 --> 00:21:40,176 The last resort of the out-of-work actor. 514 00:21:40,310 --> 00:21:42,843 What are you talking about? 515 00:21:42,976 --> 00:21:45,710 What's the quickest way back to London from here? 516 00:21:45,843 --> 00:21:47,276 I'd say it's to run! 517 00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:51,510 [gunshot] 518 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,510 [gunshot] 519 00:21:53,643 --> 00:21:56,476 What the... Nettles? Again? 520 00:21:56,610 --> 00:21:59,543 [repeated gunshots] 521 00:22:01,943 --> 00:22:03,110 [jazzy guitar riff] 522 00:22:03,210 --> 00:22:04,110 Yes. 523 00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:08,943 Unfortunately, he's just been in a plane crash. 524 00:22:10,476 --> 00:22:13,443 No, it wasn't serious. Only one person was killed. 525 00:22:13,576 --> 00:22:16,643 I'm sure we can come to a satisfactory resolution, 526 00:22:16,776 --> 00:22:18,010 Mr. Cockertip. 527 00:22:19,110 --> 00:22:19,943 Cockertip? 528 00:22:20,110 --> 00:22:21,710 [Jane sighs] 529 00:22:21,843 --> 00:22:24,376 The tax man. Luckily, something's come in. Something big. 530 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,510 Big enough to pay off your tax bill in one swoop. 531 00:22:26,643 --> 00:22:28,010 What's the product? 532 00:22:28,143 --> 00:22:29,910 Nevermind what the fucking product is, Toast. 533 00:22:30,110 --> 00:22:33,576 You have no choice in this. Here are your plane tickets. 534 00:22:33,710 --> 00:22:35,610 Aeroplane tickets? Where am I going? 535 00:22:35,743 --> 00:22:37,610 [upbeat swanky music] 536 00:22:37,743 --> 00:22:40,110 Okay, boys. Let's take a break. 537 00:22:41,376 --> 00:22:43,810 Red Carpet Cigarettes is the number one brand 538 00:22:43,943 --> 00:22:46,810 in the Democratic Republic of Congo. 539 00:22:46,943 --> 00:22:49,976 Everybody loves the silky smooth taste of a Red Carpet. 540 00:22:51,110 --> 00:22:52,676 Red Carpet Cigarettes. 541 00:22:52,810 --> 00:22:55,810 The Democratic Republic of Congo's number one favourite. 542 00:22:55,943 --> 00:22:58,110 I'll have one please. 543 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:00,576 Only 10 Congolese Franks a packet. 544 00:23:02,676 --> 00:23:04,243 Once you smoke one, 545 00:23:04,376 --> 00:23:08,543 you'll want more, and more, and more, and more. 546 00:23:08,676 --> 00:23:11,110 * So take my hand * 547 00:23:11,210 --> 00:23:14,710 * We'll disappear to above the sun * 548 00:23:14,843 --> 00:23:16,543 * To far from here * 549 00:23:16,676 --> 00:23:20,643 * No I don't know you and you don't know me * 550 00:23:20,776 --> 00:23:24,576 * I just had to talk to you, you see * 551 00:23:24,710 --> 00:23:28,543 * So say you'll come, please come girl * 552 00:23:28,676 --> 00:23:33,110 * You could be the one for all I know *