[gentle chiming music]
Evening, Steven. Lot to get through, yeah?
How much? What the hell is this?
Sat nav for the elderly.
It's a new option they're offering.
Sat Nav? Is that the client's name?
That sounds Indian.
So I'm guessing that's you?
Not quite, Steven.
Sat nav is the brand name
of a voiced automated travel service.
You what?
Audio travel information.
Yeah, well, as you can see, Steven,
there's a lot to get through.
So let's crack on, yeah? May be a long night.
Hello, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
Here we go.
-Steven. -Yeah, I can hear you,
Clem Fandango!
There's over 700 pages in front of you.
So the sooner we get started, the sooner we can sign off.
Well, stop talking then, you silly prick!
[intercom button clicks]
God!
Are we rolling?
All good, buddy.
"You are now turning into Abbotsbury."
"Abingdon.
"Acton.
"Albrighton.
"Alcester.
"Alford. Almouth.
"Alnwick. Alston.
"Aylsham. Amersham.
"Andover. Accrington.
"Aylesham.
"Ashbourne.
"Ascot. Ashburton.
"Axminster.
[cockerel crowing]
[yawns] "St Albans.
"St Leonard's Warrior Square.
"St Peter Port.
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
Who the hell are you?
[sighs] "St. Saviour.
What the hell's the time? Fuck this.
[bright upbeat rock music]
[Steven yawns]
And you must be looking forward
to going back into the West End again?
Yes. Uh, it's a legendary play.
I mean, there can't be many theatregoers
who haven't heard of "The Moosetrap."
How long has it been running?
60 years. And still attracting huge audiences.
That is such a long time.
What do you think is the secret to its success?
Well, it's a good old-fashioned murder mystery really.
Right.
It's well-plotted.
And the fact that the chauffeur is the murderer
is very cleverly concealed from the audience
with a series of delicious red herrings.
The chauffeur did it?
The chauffeur is the murderer, yes.
Well, "The Moosetrap's "running in the West End
until forever, really.
So, do go along
and you'll see our special guest Mr. Steven Toast.
Thanks for coming in, Steven.
Well, thank you.
And I hope I don't come across as crude by saying this,
but you really are sex on legs.
You should be on the TV where more people can see you.
Don't suppose you fancy going for a drink, do you? Hmm?
[Steven groans]
[upbeat pop-rock music]
[Steven yawning]
Had a hell of a morning, Jane.
I was up all night doing that voiceover.
And then I went and did the radio interview.
I was quite pleased with myself.
And then I went to The Colonial Club
and for some reason, nobody would talk to me.
I was up most of the night too, Toast.
Cleaning this collection of antique firearms.
Yeah, what the hell is it with all that?
Where did you get them from?
Michael Winner loaned them to me.
Kind of stuck with them now, since he's dead.
And then this morning I heard your interview.
You know that play's been running for 60 years?
Yes.
And in all that time, no one, not one single person
has revealed the climax of the play,
where the murderer is unmasked.
Yes.
But today, live on "Woman's Hour,"
you revealed the name of the murderer.
Yes.
You see what you've done, Toast?
Yes.
Think of the implications for a moment.
Yes.
Well?
Oh, God.
What are the implications?
The implications are
that, as a result of your actions this morning,
no director, or actor for that matter,
will ever want anything to do with you.
Well, that's why people weren't talking to me
in The Colonial Club earlier.
[dramatic music]
Anyone seen Mark Rylance on "The Culture Show" last night?
What's that smell, Royce? It's dreadful.
Smell, Purchase?
Yes. It smells like someone's just fucked up their career!
[all laughing]
You were being shunned, Toast.
-Shunned? -Yes.
You've done something really dreadful
by giving away the end of that play.
The Colonial is an actors' club.
They were quite right to shun you.
It's not nice being shunned.
Luckily, shunning doesn't last long.
You can go back in a couple of days.
But anyone who wanted to see that "Moosetrap" play
probably won't bother now,
because you told them who the murderer is.
No, no, Jane. It's like that "Titanic" film.
Everybody knew what was gonna happen in the end,
but it was still a tremendous hit.
This is very different, Toast.
[chuckles] Honestly, Jane,
I don't think anybody's going to agree with you about this.
It's like that "Titanic" film.
Everybody knew what was gonna happen in the end,
but it was still a tremendous hit.
This is very different, Toast.
[laughing] Honestly, Davison,
I don't think anybody's going to agree with you about this.
It's like that "Titanic" film.
Everyone knew what was gonna happen in the end,
but it was still a tremendous hit.
Oh, this is very different, Toast. Oh!
Honestly, Mrs. P, I don't think anybody's
going to agree with you about this.
It's like that "Titanic" film.
Everybody knew that was gonna happen in the end,
but it was still a tremendous hit.
This is very different, Toast.
[sighs] To be honest, Ed,
a few people have said that to me now.
It's quite serious,
to give away the ending of such a legendary play.
It probably doesn't matter much to the cast.
They've been in it for years.
Completely zombified, going through the motions.
But 60 years? Can you imagine?
[Steven sighs]
[gentle organ music]
-I say? -[cast snoring]
Hello?
Hello? [clapping]
Oh!
I'm Steven Toast.
Ah.
I'm playing the detective.
Oh. Oh, yes!
Our new cast member. [laughs]
I'm- I'm Ken Suggestion.
Good to meet you, Post.
No, no, Toast.
Philip, dear?
Philip, this is our new cast member, Post.
As in deaf as a...
And I'm Penny Traitor.
Is the producer or director around?
Sorry?
The producer or director?
Are they around?
No, no. [chuckling] It's just us, I'm afraid.
Well, who takes charge of rehearsals?
Rehearsals?
Well, I haven't even been sent a script.
Oh, well, there may be a copy of the play
lying around somewhere.
Who- Who would have one?
Albert may have a copy.
Yes, yes. Is he around?
Oh, fuck.
[Penny] Oh, I don't...
Albert! [clears throat] Albert!
[Penny] What news?
-What? -Of the outside world?
We're a bit isolated in here.
Oh. Oh, right.
Well, um, David Cameron is still PM.
Not that you'd notice.
I mean, I can't even remember what he looks like. [laughs]
Who?
Really?
Any sign of that script?
Yes, here's Albert now.
[dramatic spooky music]
Do you have a copy of the play for Post here?
[Albert puffing]
Thank you, Albert.
[paper clattering]
[upbeat light rock music]
Right.
The play's awful,
but luckily, I don't appear until the third act.
When I quickly solve the murder.
Yes, and you know who did it?
The chauffeur!
We all know that now thanks to you.
All right!
Anyway, looking forward to seeing the play again.
What a relief to see a show that isn't full of bad language,
immigrants, and sex change artists.
Unlike most modern dramas, it isn't set in the North.
Glorifying the type of scroungers
one sees on "Benefits Street."
And I don't even have to follow the plot or anything
because I know the chauffeur did it.
All right, Blair, keep it down!
Hmm! [chuckles]
Still, a regular job for you, Toast.
Play your cards right, you could be in gainful employment
for the next 30 years.
[both laughing]
Where the bloody hell is he? Not like him to be late.
[door thuds]
Ah, there he is.
Who the fuck is that?
Denis Thwaites.
Retired Commander of the Household Cavalry Regiment.
Still likes to wear the uniform!
Denis, good to see you.
Gin, tonic!
Uh, no, Denis. This chap isn't a waiter.
He's my brother.
Why does he think I'm a waiter?
'Cause you bloody look like one!
A lot of people have remarked on it. It's the tache.
Thwaites, Denis!
This is Steven Toast.
Toast, Steven!
Toast, Blair!
Ah!
[group laughing]
-Ah! -How was your journey
from Ipswich, Denis?
Come down on Farage, did you?
On who?
Farage, Denis' horse.
What, did he ride a horse all the way from Ipswich?
Yes!
The only reason I'm meeting Denis here,
in this bugger house, it's one of the few places in London
where you can still tie up your horse outside.
Christ, Cambridge!
Roadworks at Cambridge, were there, Denis?
Roadworks, Cambridge!
You said you were using that new device.
The sat nav for the elderly.
Rubbish, useless!
Probably doesn't work on horses.
Why the fuck is he talking in that crazy way?
Because since Denis retired from the regiment,
he's landed himself a cushy little job at the BBC.
He's the announcer on that university quiz programme.
Oh, that.
Yes, I haven't seen that in 30 years,
but there again I never watch television.
Though I have heard "Breaking Bad" is very good.
What happens is the student presses a buzzer when he
or she [laughing] thinks they know the answer,
and Denis gives the name and university.
Well, that's the easiest job in the world.
And Denis is getting a bit tired of the travelling though.
Especially since he goes everywhere by horse.
So he's retiring.
Well, I could do that job.
How much do you earn in a year?
Half a million!
Shit!
Could you put a word in for me?
Certainly, yes!
Hmm, you'd have to watch yourself though, Toast.
You'll probably have to meet Paxman.
Who?
Jeremy Paxman!
The miserable presenter.
Year above me at Eton.
He was a sullen little prick even then.
Who cares? Half a million quid?
Just for saying the names of a bunch of students?
Huh! Easy peasy!
Don't do that, Toast.
[upbeat pop-rock music]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
Tonight's performance will begin in five minutes.
I say, it's a little queer
that there aren't any directors or stage managers around.
Oh, we've been at it so long that everything more or less
happens automatically. [chuckles]
No real dramas to speak of.
Apart from Ken.
Ken? What about Ken?
He just occasionally forgets his lines
when a new actor joins the production
or there isn't a full house.
-One minute until curtain up. -[electrical buzzing]
All right, let's do this.
[curtains scraping]
What? There's no one there!
I need a full house!
Ah, I can't go on!
-[Penny hysterically sobbing] -Get a fucking grip, woman!
[audience gasps]
[Penny gasps]
I am Inspector Attenborough from Scotland Yard.
One of your servants rang me about a murder.
So I wish to interview you all.
No?
You don't come on till act three!
Right.
I'll be back.
[upbeat pop-rock music]
[door clunking]
Yes, I know. It's act three.
I'm on in a moment.
-There's not many in tonight. -[electrical buzzing]
[door creaking]
[door slamming]
So what time did you hear this scream, Colonel Granville?
Well, I...
Um, uh, uh, uh.
Miss Crabtree informed us that she retired at 11:30.
Was it after that?
[Ken muttering]
Well, say your line, man!
I've forgotten it.
The chauffeur did it.
-Oh, bloody hell. -I say, the chauffeur did it.
Yes!
[upbeat pop-rock music]
[Audience Member] I say the chauffeur did it!
The chauffeur did it! The chauffeur did it!
[Steven] The chauffeur is the murderer, yes.
The chauffeur is the murderer, yes.
There's not many in tonight.
[gentle thoughtful music]
♪ There's a chill in the air ♪
♪ The still of the night ♪
♪ The stalls and theatre bare ♪
♪ There's not many in tonight ♪
[upbeat pop-rock music]
♪ There is a chill within the air ♪
♪ The still of the night ♪
♪ The stalls and theatre bare ♪
♪ There's not many in tonight ♪
♪ There is a chill within the air ♪
♪ The still of the night ♪
♪ The stalls and theatre bare ♪
♪ There's not many in tonight ♪
♪ There's not many in ♪
[Steven] Oh, thank God.
[gentle bright music]
Finishing touches!
Ha-ha! Starter for 10.
I think Oxford is the better team, Toast.
Maybe you should swap Sooty and Richard Osman.
It doesn't matter, Ed.
I wanted Salman Rushdie and Germaine Greer
instead of Sooty and Sweep,
but I couldn't find their pictures.
Well, why do we have to have any women?
I've never noticed a woman on that quiz programme.
Who cares, Blair?
It's important that I get this job.
That play's a disaster.
Ed, you be Oxford. Blair, you're Cambridge.
Get on your buzzers and I'll practise saying the names.
"Chemistry.
"What ionic logarithm is the carbon derivative of 10?"
Well, come on, buzz.
I'm just trying to think.
Who'd be good at chemistry?
You've selected mostly classicists and journalists.
Well, can we at least get rid of Janet Street-Porter?
Just press anything.
[buzzer buzzing]
Oxford, Fry!
Well, I don't know the answer.
Me neither.
Look, have you got any questions on military history?
Look, scrap that.
Randomly press and I'll say the names.
[buzzer buzzing]
Cambridge, Yentob!
[buzzer buzzing]
Oxford, Kureishi!
[buzzer buzzing]
Cambridge, Sweep!
Ah, this is quite fun actually.
Isn't it? And I'm excellent at it.
Yes, it's noticeable that the women
haven't answered anything.
When's your audition tomorrow?
-Three o'clock. -Will Paxman be there?
Apparently so.
It's funny you've never heard about him.
I never watch television.
Although, I hear "Breaking Bad" is very good.
-[buzzer buzzing] -[electrical crackling]
Sorry, Toast, I think it's electrocuting me.
[bright upbeat music]
Not quite sure where we are, Toast.
Since they closed down Television Centre,
nobody really knows where the BBC actually is now.
I haven't got a clue either, Ed.
Do you have a sat nav?
Ah, good thought, Toast.
As it happens, I bought one just recently.
-Ah. -Let's see.
[Steven] You are now turning into St. Wafford
-[sat nav beeps] -Abergavenny.
-[sat nav beeps] -What the hell's the time?
Fuck this.
Um, was that...
Yeah.
Ah.
[Steven] Who the hell are you?
-[sat nav beeps] -Albrighton.
-[sat nav beeps] -Ah, fuck this!
[Ed chuckling]
[bright upbeat music]
There it is! Stop!
[tyres screeching]
What the?
Heard the sound of that. Thought not.
Who the hell are you again?
Who the hell...
I'm Steven Toast.
I'm here for the university quiz show voice-over gig.
Steven Toast.
And what are your qualifications for this job exactly?
I'm an experienced actor and voiceover artist.
I'm a little surprised you haven't heard of me.
Steven Toast?
Hang on a second. Oh, God.
You're that idiot that gave away
the ending of "The Moosetrap."
Well, I went on "Woman's Hour" on Radio 4
and was asked a question-
Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?"
I was asked a question on said show.
Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?"
Many topics were discussed.
One of which was "The Moosetrap."
Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?"
It was a promotional interview.
She asked me the question and I-
Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?"
Why the fuck do you keep asking me that?
You're a rude fella, if you don't mind me saying.
Well, you're an idiot.
What did you just say?
You'll apologise for that, big boy.
No, I won't.
What's that meant to be?
Well, that's my sculpture of The Angel of the North,
which I made out of matchsticks.
Well, if you don't apologise,
I'll smash your sculpture of The Angel of the North,
which you made out of matchsticks.
Hm!
You wouldn't dare.
[model smashing]
That was a very stupid thing to do.
Argh!
[Jeremy thudding]
Paxman?
Where the hell did he go?
[upbeat pop-rock music]
And so it becomes very clear.
An unlikely killer to be sure.
But there was only one person who had the motive, means,
and opportunity to commit such a foul deed.
The murderer is
Lady Beddington.
Huh?
That's a surprise.
What?
No, no, you idiot! The chauffeur did it!
No. It was Lady Beddington.
[actor gasps]
No, no, this is all wrong!
The chauffeur did it!
[gasps] My God. I think she's dead.
Oh, brilliant.
What's going on, Toast?
I was just trying to shake things up a bit.
How dare you, Post.
Toast, you fuck nut!
You bloody ruined it!
-Rubbish! -Out of my way!
Oh, that's right, yeah. Go on.
Desert a sinking ship.
Bugger off to "Cats," whatever it is you losers enjoy.
Screw you, old timers!
Good for you, Toast.
-[Steven choking] -[electrical crackling]
Argh!
[Albert] There's not many in tonight.
[Steven] I know! So you keep saying!
[upbeat pop-rock music]
60 years, Toast.
60 long and successful years,
and now the show has closed
and a wonderful actress has died.
I didn't know she was one of your clients, Jane.
Yes.
The only thing she did apart from that play
was an episode of "Poldark" in 1973.
Such a tragedy.
And all down to you.
You won't be able to show your face around here for a while.
I think you should go and live in France.
And one more thing.
What's this I hear about you
on that university quiz show on the BBC?
-Ah. -Ah!
Just about to tell me, were you?
Going behind my back,
trying to get jobs on your own were you, you fucking weasel!
I just fancied the-
"Fancied myself as an agent" by the sounds of things.
What have I said? That you are never-
Never to try and get jobs on my own.
You are never ever to try and get jobs on your own.
Well, you haven't got this job, anyway.
-Who got it? -Well, not you!
Because apparently,
you had some kind of "argument with Jeremy Paxman,
"destroyed his matchstick model of The Angel of the North,
"and threw him out of a window."
Did you throw Jeremy Paxman out of a window?
No!
Well, kind of.
Oh.
I didn't throw him out of a window,
though he did end up going through a window.
Unbelievable behaviour, Toast.
You have created a perfect fiasco.
And now you're kind of
throwing Jeremy Paxman out of windows
and destroying his matchstick models.
Really, Toast? I mean, really!
[drawer clunking]
I think you know what to do.
[tense suspenseful music]
And do a good job this time.
Your last attempt wasn't very thorough.
[bright upbeat rock music]
Here's your starter for 10.
What was the name of the second-rate actor
who single-handedly forced the closure
of the legendary play, "The Moosetrap,"
after a successful 60-year run in London's West End?
[buzzer buzzing]
Cambridge, Clacy-Smith!
Steven Post?
Near enough.
♪ So take my hand ♪
♪ We'll disappear to above the sun ♪
♪ To far from here ♪
♪ No, I don't know you and you don't know me ♪
♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪
♪ So say you'll come, please come, girl ♪
♪ You could be the one for all I know ♪