1 00:00:01,003 --> 00:00:02,523 [gentle chiming music] 2 00:00:02,683 --> 00:00:05,363 Evening, Steven. Lot to get through, yeah? 3 00:00:05,523 --> 00:00:07,243 How much? What the hell is this? 4 00:00:07,403 --> 00:00:08,643 Sat nav for the elderly. 5 00:00:08,803 --> 00:00:10,043 It's a new option they're offering. 6 00:00:10,203 --> 00:00:11,843 Sat Nav? Is that the client's name? 7 00:00:12,003 --> 00:00:13,363 That sounds Indian. 8 00:00:13,523 --> 00:00:14,603 So I'm guessing that's you? 9 00:00:16,123 --> 00:00:17,723 Not quite, Steven. 10 00:00:17,883 --> 00:00:19,203 Sat nav is the brand name 11 00:00:19,363 --> 00:00:21,163 of a voiced automated travel service. 12 00:00:21,323 --> 00:00:22,163 You what? 13 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,643 Audio travel information. 14 00:00:24,803 --> 00:00:25,683 Yeah, well, as you can see, Steven, 15 00:00:25,843 --> 00:00:27,003 there's a lot to get through. 16 00:00:27,163 --> 00:00:28,603 So let's crack on, yeah? May be a long night. 17 00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:31,963 Hello, Steven. This is Clem Fandango. 18 00:00:32,123 --> 00:00:32,963 Can you hear me? 19 00:00:33,123 --> 00:00:33,883 Here we go. 20 00:00:35,363 --> 00:00:36,523 -Steven. -Yeah, I can hear you, 21 00:00:36,683 --> 00:00:37,843 Clem Fandango! 22 00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:39,643 There's over 700 pages in front of you. 23 00:00:39,803 --> 00:00:41,163 So the sooner we get started, the sooner we can sign off. 24 00:00:41,323 --> 00:00:43,003 Well, stop talking then, you silly prick! 25 00:00:43,163 --> 00:00:44,483 [intercom button clicks] 26 00:00:44,643 --> 00:00:45,163 God! 27 00:00:48,003 --> 00:00:48,923 Are we rolling? 28 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,363 All good, buddy. 29 00:00:50,523 --> 00:00:53,843 "You are now turning into Abbotsbury." 30 00:00:55,443 --> 00:00:56,163 "Abingdon. 31 00:00:57,763 --> 00:00:58,243 "Acton. 32 00:00:59,723 --> 00:01:00,883 "Albrighton. 33 00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:04,043 "Alcester. 34 00:01:04,203 --> 00:01:06,843 "Alford. Almouth. 35 00:01:07,003 --> 00:01:10,163 "Alnwick. Alston. 36 00:01:10,323 --> 00:01:12,723 "Aylsham. Amersham. 37 00:01:14,083 --> 00:01:16,363 "Andover. Accrington. 38 00:01:17,683 --> 00:01:18,763 "Aylesham. 39 00:01:20,483 --> 00:01:21,523 "Ashbourne. 40 00:01:22,763 --> 00:01:25,483 "Ascot. Ashburton. 41 00:01:26,683 --> 00:01:27,803 "Axminster. 42 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,163 [cockerel crowing] 43 00:01:31,323 --> 00:01:33,483 [yawns] "St Albans. 44 00:01:34,683 --> 00:01:37,043 "St Leonard's Warrior Square. 45 00:01:37,203 --> 00:01:38,483 "St Peter Port. 46 00:01:38,643 --> 00:01:39,963 [vacuum cleaner whirring] 47 00:01:40,123 --> 00:01:41,123 Who the hell are you? 48 00:01:42,323 --> 00:01:45,203 [sighs] "St. Saviour. 49 00:01:45,363 --> 00:01:46,963 What the hell's the time? Fuck this. 50 00:01:48,203 --> 00:01:51,643 [bright upbeat rock music] 51 00:02:12,763 --> 00:02:14,003 [Steven yawns] 52 00:02:14,163 --> 00:02:15,603 And you must be looking forward 53 00:02:15,763 --> 00:02:17,603 to going back into the West End again? 54 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:20,203 Yes. Uh, it's a legendary play. 55 00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:22,043 I mean, there can't be many theatregoers 56 00:02:22,203 --> 00:02:23,603 who haven't heard of "The Moosetrap." 57 00:02:23,763 --> 00:02:25,163 How long has it been running? 58 00:02:29,403 --> 00:02:33,003 60 years. And still attracting huge audiences. 59 00:02:33,163 --> 00:02:35,083 That is such a long time. 60 00:02:35,243 --> 00:02:37,763 What do you think is the secret to its success? 61 00:02:37,923 --> 00:02:40,403 Well, it's a good old-fashioned murder mystery really. 62 00:02:40,563 --> 00:02:41,483 Right. 63 00:02:41,643 --> 00:02:43,323 It's well-plotted. 64 00:02:43,483 --> 00:02:45,523 And the fact that the chauffeur is the murderer 65 00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:47,683 is very cleverly concealed from the audience 66 00:02:47,843 --> 00:02:49,563 with a series of delicious red herrings. 67 00:02:49,723 --> 00:02:51,163 The chauffeur did it? 68 00:02:51,323 --> 00:02:53,403 The chauffeur is the murderer, yes. 69 00:02:53,563 --> 00:02:54,883 Well, "The Moosetrap's "running in the West End 70 00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:56,643 until forever, really. 71 00:02:56,803 --> 00:02:58,483 So, do go along 72 00:02:58,643 --> 00:02:59,803 and you'll see our special guest Mr. Steven Toast. 73 00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:01,403 Thanks for coming in, Steven. 74 00:03:01,563 --> 00:03:03,163 Well, thank you. 75 00:03:03,323 --> 00:03:06,003 And I hope I don't come across as crude by saying this, 76 00:03:06,163 --> 00:03:08,683 but you really are sex on legs. 77 00:03:08,843 --> 00:03:11,043 You should be on the TV where more people can see you. 78 00:03:12,963 --> 00:03:14,803 Don't suppose you fancy going for a drink, do you? Hmm? 79 00:03:17,803 --> 00:03:19,323 [Steven groans] 80 00:03:19,483 --> 00:03:21,563 [upbeat pop-rock music] 81 00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:24,323 [Steven yawning] 82 00:03:24,483 --> 00:03:27,203 Had a hell of a morning, Jane. 83 00:03:27,363 --> 00:03:29,483 I was up all night doing that voiceover. 84 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,323 And then I went and did the radio interview. 85 00:03:31,483 --> 00:03:33,123 I was quite pleased with myself. 86 00:03:33,283 --> 00:03:35,243 And then I went to The Colonial Club 87 00:03:35,403 --> 00:03:38,043 and for some reason, nobody would talk to me. 88 00:03:38,203 --> 00:03:40,563 I was up most of the night too, Toast. 89 00:03:40,723 --> 00:03:43,323 Cleaning this collection of antique firearms. 90 00:03:43,483 --> 00:03:44,723 Yeah, what the hell is it with all that? 91 00:03:44,883 --> 00:03:46,403 Where did you get them from? 92 00:03:46,563 --> 00:03:49,003 Michael Winner loaned them to me. 93 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:51,403 Kind of stuck with them now, since he's dead. 94 00:03:51,563 --> 00:03:53,803 And then this morning I heard your interview. 95 00:03:55,563 --> 00:03:59,323 You know that play's been running for 60 years? 96 00:03:59,483 --> 00:04:01,163 Yes. 97 00:04:01,323 --> 00:04:04,123 And in all that time, no one, not one single person 98 00:04:04,283 --> 00:04:06,363 has revealed the climax of the play, 99 00:04:06,523 --> 00:04:07,963 where the murderer is unmasked. 100 00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:09,483 Yes. 101 00:04:09,643 --> 00:04:12,163 But today, live on "Woman's Hour," 102 00:04:12,323 --> 00:04:14,963 you revealed the name of the murderer. 103 00:04:15,123 --> 00:04:16,843 Yes. 104 00:04:17,003 --> 00:04:18,443 You see what you've done, Toast? 105 00:04:18,603 --> 00:04:20,203 Yes. 106 00:04:20,363 --> 00:04:21,883 Think of the implications for a moment. 107 00:04:23,603 --> 00:04:24,123 Yes. 108 00:04:25,203 --> 00:04:26,363 Well? 109 00:04:26,523 --> 00:04:27,723 Oh, God. 110 00:04:29,963 --> 00:04:31,723 What are the implications? 111 00:04:31,883 --> 00:04:33,603 The implications are 112 00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:36,123 that, as a result of your actions this morning, 113 00:04:36,283 --> 00:04:38,603 no director, or actor for that matter, 114 00:04:38,763 --> 00:04:41,283 will ever want anything to do with you. 115 00:04:41,443 --> 00:04:42,643 Well, that's why people weren't talking to me 116 00:04:42,803 --> 00:04:44,083 in The Colonial Club earlier. 117 00:04:44,243 --> 00:04:45,883 [dramatic music] 118 00:04:46,043 --> 00:04:49,163 Anyone seen Mark Rylance on "The Culture Show" last night? 119 00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,803 What's that smell, Royce? It's dreadful. 120 00:04:50,963 --> 00:04:52,643 Smell, Purchase? 121 00:04:52,803 --> 00:04:56,523 Yes. It smells like someone's just fucked up their career! 122 00:04:56,683 --> 00:04:59,163 [all laughing] 123 00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:11,363 You were being shunned, Toast. 124 00:05:11,523 --> 00:05:13,043 -Shunned? -Yes. 125 00:05:13,203 --> 00:05:15,203 You've done something really dreadful 126 00:05:15,363 --> 00:05:16,963 by giving away the end of that play. 127 00:05:17,123 --> 00:05:19,123 The Colonial is an actors' club. 128 00:05:19,283 --> 00:05:20,923 They were quite right to shun you. 129 00:05:21,083 --> 00:05:22,483 It's not nice being shunned. 130 00:05:22,643 --> 00:05:24,403 Luckily, shunning doesn't last long. 131 00:05:24,563 --> 00:05:26,723 You can go back in a couple of days. 132 00:05:26,883 --> 00:05:29,323 But anyone who wanted to see that "Moosetrap" play 133 00:05:29,483 --> 00:05:30,723 probably won't bother now, 134 00:05:30,883 --> 00:05:33,163 because you told them who the murderer is. 135 00:05:33,323 --> 00:05:36,323 No, no, Jane. It's like that "Titanic" film. 136 00:05:36,483 --> 00:05:38,723 Everybody knew what was gonna happen in the end, 137 00:05:38,883 --> 00:05:40,603 but it was still a tremendous hit. 138 00:05:40,763 --> 00:05:42,763 This is very different, Toast. 139 00:05:42,923 --> 00:05:44,603 [chuckles] Honestly, Jane, 140 00:05:44,763 --> 00:05:48,043 I don't think anybody's going to agree with you about this. 141 00:05:48,203 --> 00:05:49,523 It's like that "Titanic" film. 142 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,603 Everybody knew what was gonna happen in the end, 143 00:05:51,763 --> 00:05:53,043 but it was still a tremendous hit. 144 00:05:53,203 --> 00:05:55,043 This is very different, Toast. 145 00:05:55,203 --> 00:05:56,683 [laughing] Honestly, Davison, 146 00:05:56,843 --> 00:05:59,763 I don't think anybody's going to agree with you about this. 147 00:05:59,923 --> 00:06:01,803 It's like that "Titanic" film. 148 00:06:01,963 --> 00:06:04,043 Everyone knew what was gonna happen in the end, 149 00:06:04,203 --> 00:06:05,883 but it was still a tremendous hit. 150 00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:08,123 Oh, this is very different, Toast. Oh! 151 00:06:08,283 --> 00:06:10,283 Honestly, Mrs. P, I don't think anybody's 152 00:06:10,443 --> 00:06:12,843 going to agree with you about this. 153 00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,403 It's like that "Titanic" film. 154 00:06:14,563 --> 00:06:16,323 Everybody knew that was gonna happen in the end, 155 00:06:16,483 --> 00:06:18,043 but it was still a tremendous hit. 156 00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:19,643 This is very different, Toast. 157 00:06:19,803 --> 00:06:22,083 [sighs] To be honest, Ed, 158 00:06:22,243 --> 00:06:24,123 a few people have said that to me now. 159 00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,883 It's quite serious, 160 00:06:26,043 --> 00:06:28,163 to give away the ending of such a legendary play. 161 00:06:28,323 --> 00:06:29,683 It probably doesn't matter much to the cast. 162 00:06:29,843 --> 00:06:31,403 They've been in it for years. 163 00:06:31,563 --> 00:06:33,283 Completely zombified, going through the motions. 164 00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:35,563 But 60 years? Can you imagine? 165 00:06:35,723 --> 00:06:37,043 [Steven sighs] 166 00:06:37,203 --> 00:06:40,203 [gentle organ music] 167 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,603 -I say? -[cast snoring] 168 00:06:45,763 --> 00:06:46,563 Hello? 169 00:06:48,643 --> 00:06:51,323 Hello? [clapping] 170 00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:52,683 Oh! 171 00:06:52,843 --> 00:06:54,363 I'm Steven Toast. 172 00:06:54,523 --> 00:06:55,283 Ah. 173 00:06:56,443 --> 00:06:58,603 I'm playing the detective. 174 00:06:58,763 --> 00:06:59,883 Oh. Oh, yes! 175 00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:02,563 Our new cast member. [laughs] 176 00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:05,083 I'm- I'm Ken Suggestion. 177 00:07:05,243 --> 00:07:06,123 Good to meet you, Post. 178 00:07:06,283 --> 00:07:07,723 No, no, Toast. 179 00:07:07,883 --> 00:07:09,523 Philip, dear? 180 00:07:09,683 --> 00:07:13,563 Philip, this is our new cast member, Post. 181 00:07:13,723 --> 00:07:15,523 As in deaf as a... 182 00:07:15,683 --> 00:07:18,203 And I'm Penny Traitor. 183 00:07:18,363 --> 00:07:22,123 Is the producer or director around? 184 00:07:22,283 --> 00:07:23,163 Sorry? 185 00:07:23,323 --> 00:07:25,683 The producer or director? 186 00:07:25,843 --> 00:07:28,083 Are they around? 187 00:07:28,243 --> 00:07:32,243 No, no. [chuckling] It's just us, I'm afraid. 188 00:07:32,403 --> 00:07:34,603 Well, who takes charge of rehearsals? 189 00:07:34,763 --> 00:07:36,243 Rehearsals? 190 00:07:36,403 --> 00:07:38,723 Well, I haven't even been sent a script. 191 00:07:38,883 --> 00:07:42,283 Oh, well, there may be a copy of the play 192 00:07:42,443 --> 00:07:43,563 lying around somewhere. 193 00:07:43,723 --> 00:07:45,603 Who- Who would have one? 194 00:07:45,763 --> 00:07:47,883 Albert may have a copy. 195 00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:51,403 Yes, yes. Is he around? 196 00:07:51,563 --> 00:07:52,363 Oh, fuck. 197 00:07:52,523 --> 00:07:53,363 [Penny] Oh, I don't... 198 00:07:53,523 --> 00:07:55,763 Albert! [clears throat] Albert! 199 00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:58,443 [Penny] What news? 200 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:01,043 -What? -Of the outside world? 201 00:08:01,203 --> 00:08:03,443 We're a bit isolated in here. 202 00:08:03,603 --> 00:08:04,803 Oh. Oh, right. 203 00:08:04,963 --> 00:08:08,763 Well, um, David Cameron is still PM. 204 00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,723 Not that you'd notice. 205 00:08:10,883 --> 00:08:14,483 I mean, I can't even remember what he looks like. [laughs] 206 00:08:14,643 --> 00:08:16,043 Who? 207 00:08:16,203 --> 00:08:16,963 Really? 208 00:08:18,043 --> 00:08:19,083 Any sign of that script? 209 00:08:19,243 --> 00:08:21,603 Yes, here's Albert now. 210 00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:24,923 [dramatic spooky music] 211 00:08:26,523 --> 00:08:30,083 Do you have a copy of the play for Post here? 212 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,883 [Albert puffing] 213 00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:35,963 Thank you, Albert. 214 00:08:36,923 --> 00:08:38,203 [paper clattering] 215 00:08:38,363 --> 00:08:40,723 [upbeat light rock music] 216 00:08:40,883 --> 00:08:41,643 Right. 217 00:08:43,443 --> 00:08:44,963 The play's awful, 218 00:08:45,123 --> 00:08:46,843 but luckily, I don't appear until the third act. 219 00:08:47,003 --> 00:08:48,083 When I quickly solve the murder. 220 00:08:48,243 --> 00:08:49,643 Yes, and you know who did it? 221 00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:51,243 The chauffeur! 222 00:08:51,403 --> 00:08:52,443 We all know that now thanks to you. 223 00:08:52,603 --> 00:08:54,243 All right! 224 00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:56,203 Anyway, looking forward to seeing the play again. 225 00:08:58,483 --> 00:09:00,763 What a relief to see a show that isn't full of bad language, 226 00:09:00,923 --> 00:09:03,563 immigrants, and sex change artists. 227 00:09:03,723 --> 00:09:06,363 Unlike most modern dramas, it isn't set in the North. 228 00:09:06,523 --> 00:09:08,123 Glorifying the type of scroungers 229 00:09:08,283 --> 00:09:10,163 one sees on "Benefits Street." 230 00:09:10,323 --> 00:09:12,403 And I don't even have to follow the plot or anything 231 00:09:12,563 --> 00:09:13,403 because I know the chauffeur did it. 232 00:09:13,563 --> 00:09:15,003 All right, Blair, keep it down! 233 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,523 Hmm! [chuckles] 234 00:09:16,683 --> 00:09:19,843 Still, a regular job for you, Toast. 235 00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:21,763 Play your cards right, you could be in gainful employment 236 00:09:21,923 --> 00:09:24,123 for the next 30 years. 237 00:09:24,283 --> 00:09:26,883 [both laughing] 238 00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:30,563 Where the bloody hell is he? Not like him to be late. 239 00:09:30,723 --> 00:09:31,523 [door thuds] 240 00:09:31,683 --> 00:09:32,603 Ah, there he is. 241 00:09:32,763 --> 00:09:33,603 Who the fuck is that? 242 00:09:33,763 --> 00:09:35,603 Denis Thwaites. 243 00:09:35,763 --> 00:09:38,803 Retired Commander of the Household Cavalry Regiment. 244 00:09:38,963 --> 00:09:41,003 Still likes to wear the uniform! 245 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:43,323 Denis, good to see you. 246 00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:45,203 Gin, tonic! 247 00:09:45,363 --> 00:09:48,523 Uh, no, Denis. This chap isn't a waiter. 248 00:09:48,683 --> 00:09:49,963 He's my brother. 249 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,483 Why does he think I'm a waiter? 250 00:09:51,643 --> 00:09:53,123 'Cause you bloody look like one! 251 00:09:53,283 --> 00:09:55,523 A lot of people have remarked on it. It's the tache. 252 00:09:55,683 --> 00:09:56,763 Thwaites, Denis! 253 00:09:56,923 --> 00:09:58,443 This is Steven Toast. 254 00:09:58,603 --> 00:10:00,083 Toast, Steven! 255 00:10:00,243 --> 00:10:01,123 Toast, Blair! 256 00:10:01,283 --> 00:10:02,323 Ah! 257 00:10:02,483 --> 00:10:06,043 [group laughing] 258 00:10:06,203 --> 00:10:07,163 -Ah! -How was your journey 259 00:10:07,323 --> 00:10:08,403 from Ipswich, Denis? 260 00:10:08,563 --> 00:10:10,323 Come down on Farage, did you? 261 00:10:10,483 --> 00:10:11,283 On who? 262 00:10:11,443 --> 00:10:13,363 Farage, Denis' horse. 263 00:10:13,523 --> 00:10:15,363 What, did he ride a horse all the way from Ipswich? 264 00:10:15,523 --> 00:10:16,843 Yes! 265 00:10:17,003 --> 00:10:18,683 The only reason I'm meeting Denis here, 266 00:10:18,843 --> 00:10:21,603 in this bugger house, it's one of the few places in London 267 00:10:21,763 --> 00:10:23,723 where you can still tie up your horse outside. 268 00:10:23,883 --> 00:10:25,283 Christ, Cambridge! 269 00:10:25,443 --> 00:10:27,363 Roadworks at Cambridge, were there, Denis? 270 00:10:27,523 --> 00:10:29,243 Roadworks, Cambridge! 271 00:10:29,403 --> 00:10:30,963 You said you were using that new device. 272 00:10:31,123 --> 00:10:32,563 The sat nav for the elderly. 273 00:10:32,723 --> 00:10:34,403 Rubbish, useless! 274 00:10:34,563 --> 00:10:36,003 Probably doesn't work on horses. 275 00:10:36,163 --> 00:10:38,523 Why the fuck is he talking in that crazy way? 276 00:10:38,683 --> 00:10:41,003 Because since Denis retired from the regiment, 277 00:10:41,163 --> 00:10:44,603 he's landed himself a cushy little job at the BBC. 278 00:10:44,763 --> 00:10:47,123 He's the announcer on that university quiz programme. 279 00:10:47,283 --> 00:10:48,563 Oh, that. 280 00:10:48,723 --> 00:10:49,843 Yes, I haven't seen that in 30 years, 281 00:10:50,003 --> 00:10:51,523 but there again I never watch television. 282 00:10:51,683 --> 00:10:54,043 Though I have heard "Breaking Bad" is very good. 283 00:10:56,203 --> 00:11:00,443 What happens is the student presses a buzzer when he 284 00:11:00,603 --> 00:11:04,403 or she [laughing] thinks they know the answer, 285 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:07,043 and Denis gives the name and university. 286 00:11:07,203 --> 00:11:08,763 Well, that's the easiest job in the world. 287 00:11:08,923 --> 00:11:11,083 And Denis is getting a bit tired of the travelling though. 288 00:11:11,243 --> 00:11:13,483 Especially since he goes everywhere by horse. 289 00:11:13,643 --> 00:11:14,603 So he's retiring. 290 00:11:14,763 --> 00:11:15,843 Well, I could do that job. 291 00:11:16,003 --> 00:11:17,283 How much do you earn in a year? 292 00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:18,403 Half a million! 293 00:11:18,563 --> 00:11:20,123 Shit! 294 00:11:20,283 --> 00:11:21,763 Could you put a word in for me? 295 00:11:21,923 --> 00:11:23,883 Certainly, yes! 296 00:11:24,043 --> 00:11:25,683 Hmm, you'd have to watch yourself though, Toast. 297 00:11:25,843 --> 00:11:26,763 You'll probably have to meet Paxman. 298 00:11:26,923 --> 00:11:27,603 Who? 299 00:11:27,763 --> 00:11:28,763 Jeremy Paxman! 300 00:11:28,923 --> 00:11:30,723 The miserable presenter. 301 00:11:30,883 --> 00:11:32,363 Year above me at Eton. 302 00:11:32,523 --> 00:11:34,443 He was a sullen little prick even then. 303 00:11:34,603 --> 00:11:37,403 Who cares? Half a million quid? 304 00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:39,803 Just for saying the names of a bunch of students? 305 00:11:39,963 --> 00:11:42,283 Huh! Easy peasy! 306 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,923 Don't do that, Toast. 307 00:11:45,083 --> 00:11:48,123 [upbeat pop-rock music] 308 00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:52,523 [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. 309 00:11:52,683 --> 00:11:55,083 Tonight's performance will begin in five minutes. 310 00:11:57,323 --> 00:12:00,323 I say, it's a little queer 311 00:12:00,483 --> 00:12:03,883 that there aren't any directors or stage managers around. 312 00:12:04,043 --> 00:12:07,083 Oh, we've been at it so long that everything more or less 313 00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:09,843 happens automatically. [chuckles] 314 00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:12,843 No real dramas to speak of. 315 00:12:14,523 --> 00:12:16,003 Apart from Ken. 316 00:12:16,163 --> 00:12:17,723 Ken? What about Ken? 317 00:12:17,883 --> 00:12:21,563 He just occasionally forgets his lines 318 00:12:21,723 --> 00:12:24,123 when a new actor joins the production 319 00:12:24,283 --> 00:12:27,483 or there isn't a full house. 320 00:12:27,643 --> 00:12:32,203 -One minute until curtain up. -[electrical buzzing] 321 00:12:34,083 --> 00:12:35,763 All right, let's do this. 322 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:36,883 [curtains scraping] 323 00:12:37,043 --> 00:12:40,003 What? There's no one there! 324 00:12:40,163 --> 00:12:42,243 I need a full house! 325 00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:44,283 Ah, I can't go on! 326 00:12:44,443 --> 00:12:46,603 -[Penny hysterically sobbing] -Get a fucking grip, woman! 327 00:12:46,763 --> 00:12:49,483 [audience gasps] 328 00:12:50,763 --> 00:12:52,283 [Penny gasps] 329 00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:56,363 I am Inspector Attenborough from Scotland Yard. 330 00:12:56,523 --> 00:12:59,723 One of your servants rang me about a murder. 331 00:12:59,883 --> 00:13:02,963 So I wish to interview you all. 332 00:13:03,123 --> 00:13:04,403 No? 333 00:13:04,563 --> 00:13:06,963 You don't come on till act three! 334 00:13:07,123 --> 00:13:07,923 Right. 335 00:13:11,723 --> 00:13:12,763 I'll be back. 336 00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:16,243 [upbeat pop-rock music] 337 00:13:16,403 --> 00:13:18,003 [door clunking] 338 00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:19,763 Yes, I know. It's act three. 339 00:13:19,923 --> 00:13:21,123 I'm on in a moment. 340 00:13:22,963 --> 00:13:26,323 -There's not many in tonight. -[electrical buzzing] 341 00:13:26,483 --> 00:13:28,163 [door creaking] 342 00:13:28,323 --> 00:13:29,963 [door slamming] 343 00:13:30,123 --> 00:13:32,843 So what time did you hear this scream, Colonel Granville? 344 00:13:33,003 --> 00:13:33,763 Well, I... 345 00:13:35,323 --> 00:13:38,403 Um, uh, uh, uh. 346 00:13:38,563 --> 00:13:41,083 Miss Crabtree informed us that she retired at 11:30. 347 00:13:42,243 --> 00:13:43,763 Was it after that? 348 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:46,123 [Ken muttering] 349 00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:47,283 Well, say your line, man! 350 00:13:47,443 --> 00:13:48,683 I've forgotten it. 351 00:13:48,843 --> 00:13:50,203 The chauffeur did it. 352 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,163 -Oh, bloody hell. -I say, the chauffeur did it. 353 00:13:52,323 --> 00:13:53,243 Yes! 354 00:13:53,403 --> 00:13:57,243 [upbeat pop-rock music] 355 00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:59,483 [Audience Member] I say the chauffeur did it! 356 00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:01,243 The chauffeur did it! The chauffeur did it! 357 00:14:01,403 --> 00:14:03,723 [Steven] The chauffeur is the murderer, yes. 358 00:14:03,883 --> 00:14:06,003 The chauffeur is the murderer, yes. 359 00:14:06,163 --> 00:14:11,083 There's not many in tonight. 360 00:14:12,043 --> 00:14:15,003 [gentle thoughtful music] 361 00:14:15,163 --> 00:14:19,923 ♪ There's a chill in the air ♪ 362 00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:25,043 ♪ The still of the night ♪ 363 00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:29,683 ♪ The stalls and theatre bare ♪ 364 00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:33,323 ♪ There's not many in tonight ♪ 365 00:14:35,003 --> 00:14:36,323 [upbeat pop-rock music] 366 00:14:36,483 --> 00:14:41,083 ♪ There is a chill within the air ♪ 367 00:14:42,283 --> 00:14:46,243 ♪ The still of the night ♪ 368 00:14:46,403 --> 00:14:51,043 ♪ The stalls and theatre bare ♪ 369 00:14:51,203 --> 00:14:55,483 ♪ There's not many in tonight ♪ 370 00:14:55,643 --> 00:15:00,283 ♪ There is a chill within the air ♪ 371 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:05,643 ♪ The still of the night ♪ 372 00:15:05,803 --> 00:15:10,243 ♪ The stalls and theatre bare ♪ 373 00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:15,003 ♪ There's not many in tonight ♪ 374 00:15:15,163 --> 00:15:18,883 ♪ There's not many in ♪ 375 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:20,163 [Steven] Oh, thank God. 376 00:15:20,323 --> 00:15:22,763 [gentle bright music] 377 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:23,683 Finishing touches! 378 00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:29,203 Ha-ha! Starter for 10. 379 00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:31,483 I think Oxford is the better team, Toast. 380 00:15:31,643 --> 00:15:33,723 Maybe you should swap Sooty and Richard Osman. 381 00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:35,043 It doesn't matter, Ed. 382 00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:36,843 I wanted Salman Rushdie and Germaine Greer 383 00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:38,203 instead of Sooty and Sweep, 384 00:15:38,363 --> 00:15:39,523 but I couldn't find their pictures. 385 00:15:39,683 --> 00:15:41,603 Well, why do we have to have any women? 386 00:15:41,763 --> 00:15:43,523 I've never noticed a woman on that quiz programme. 387 00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:44,843 Who cares, Blair? 388 00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:46,763 It's important that I get this job. 389 00:15:46,923 --> 00:15:48,563 That play's a disaster. 390 00:15:48,723 --> 00:15:51,443 Ed, you be Oxford. Blair, you're Cambridge. 391 00:15:51,603 --> 00:15:54,163 Get on your buzzers and I'll practise saying the names. 392 00:15:55,763 --> 00:15:57,563 "Chemistry. 393 00:15:57,723 --> 00:16:01,043 "What ionic logarithm is the carbon derivative of 10?" 394 00:16:03,643 --> 00:16:04,763 Well, come on, buzz. 395 00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:05,723 I'm just trying to think. 396 00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:07,363 Who'd be good at chemistry? 397 00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:09,123 You've selected mostly classicists and journalists. 398 00:16:09,283 --> 00:16:11,603 Well, can we at least get rid of Janet Street-Porter? 399 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:12,443 Just press anything. 400 00:16:12,603 --> 00:16:13,683 [buzzer buzzing] 401 00:16:13,843 --> 00:16:15,763 Oxford, Fry! 402 00:16:15,923 --> 00:16:16,683 Well, I don't know the answer. 403 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,363 Me neither. 404 00:16:18,523 --> 00:16:19,723 Look, have you got any questions on military history? 405 00:16:19,883 --> 00:16:21,363 Look, scrap that. 406 00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,203 Randomly press and I'll say the names. 407 00:16:24,843 --> 00:16:25,803 [buzzer buzzing] 408 00:16:25,963 --> 00:16:26,923 Cambridge, Yentob! 409 00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:28,123 [buzzer buzzing] 410 00:16:28,283 --> 00:16:29,603 Oxford, Kureishi! 411 00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:30,643 [buzzer buzzing] 412 00:16:30,803 --> 00:16:31,963 Cambridge, Sweep! 413 00:16:32,123 --> 00:16:33,163 Ah, this is quite fun actually. 414 00:16:33,323 --> 00:16:35,243 Isn't it? And I'm excellent at it. 415 00:16:35,403 --> 00:16:36,683 Yes, it's noticeable that the women 416 00:16:36,843 --> 00:16:38,443 haven't answered anything. 417 00:16:38,603 --> 00:16:39,723 When's your audition tomorrow? 418 00:16:39,883 --> 00:16:41,603 -Three o'clock. -Will Paxman be there? 419 00:16:41,763 --> 00:16:43,003 Apparently so. 420 00:16:43,163 --> 00:16:43,803 It's funny you've never heard about him. 421 00:16:43,963 --> 00:16:45,523 I never watch television. 422 00:16:45,683 --> 00:16:48,883 Although, I hear "Breaking Bad" is very good. 423 00:16:49,043 --> 00:16:50,323 -[buzzer buzzing] -[electrical crackling] 424 00:16:50,483 --> 00:16:52,163 Sorry, Toast, I think it's electrocuting me. 425 00:16:53,683 --> 00:16:56,643 [bright upbeat music] 426 00:16:56,803 --> 00:16:58,683 Not quite sure where we are, Toast. 427 00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:02,443 Since they closed down Television Centre, 428 00:17:02,603 --> 00:17:05,523 nobody really knows where the BBC actually is now. 429 00:17:05,683 --> 00:17:07,483 I haven't got a clue either, Ed. 430 00:17:07,643 --> 00:17:08,963 Do you have a sat nav? 431 00:17:09,123 --> 00:17:11,323 Ah, good thought, Toast. 432 00:17:11,483 --> 00:17:13,763 As it happens, I bought one just recently. 433 00:17:13,923 --> 00:17:15,963 -Ah. -Let's see. 434 00:17:16,123 --> 00:17:19,163 [Steven] You are now turning into St. Wafford 435 00:17:19,323 --> 00:17:21,363 -[sat nav beeps] -Abergavenny. 436 00:17:21,523 --> 00:17:22,643 -[sat nav beeps] -What the hell's the time? 437 00:17:22,803 --> 00:17:23,723 Fuck this. 438 00:17:23,883 --> 00:17:25,123 Um, was that... 439 00:17:25,283 --> 00:17:26,043 Yeah. 440 00:17:27,043 --> 00:17:28,083 Ah. 441 00:17:28,243 --> 00:17:29,483 [Steven] Who the hell are you? 442 00:17:29,643 --> 00:17:31,603 -[sat nav beeps] -Albrighton. 443 00:17:31,763 --> 00:17:33,283 -[sat nav beeps] -Ah, fuck this! 444 00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:35,043 [Ed chuckling] 445 00:17:35,203 --> 00:17:36,723 [bright upbeat music] 446 00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:39,043 There it is! Stop! 447 00:17:39,203 --> 00:17:42,123 [tyres screeching] 448 00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:44,963 What the? 449 00:17:45,123 --> 00:17:47,483 Heard the sound of that. Thought not. 450 00:17:47,643 --> 00:17:48,843 Who the hell are you again? 451 00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:50,323 Who the hell... 452 00:17:50,483 --> 00:17:52,603 I'm Steven Toast. 453 00:17:52,763 --> 00:17:54,923 I'm here for the university quiz show voice-over gig. 454 00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:56,563 Steven Toast. 455 00:17:56,723 --> 00:18:00,163 And what are your qualifications for this job exactly? 456 00:18:00,323 --> 00:18:03,763 I'm an experienced actor and voiceover artist. 457 00:18:03,923 --> 00:18:05,323 I'm a little surprised you haven't heard of me. 458 00:18:05,483 --> 00:18:08,003 Steven Toast? 459 00:18:08,163 --> 00:18:10,523 Hang on a second. Oh, God. 460 00:18:10,683 --> 00:18:12,203 You're that idiot that gave away 461 00:18:12,363 --> 00:18:13,523 the ending of "The Moosetrap." 462 00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,843 Well, I went on "Woman's Hour" on Radio 4 463 00:18:16,003 --> 00:18:17,563 and was asked a question- 464 00:18:17,723 --> 00:18:19,283 Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?" 465 00:18:19,443 --> 00:18:21,523 I was asked a question on said show. 466 00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:24,123 Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?" 467 00:18:24,283 --> 00:18:25,563 Many topics were discussed. 468 00:18:25,723 --> 00:18:27,283 One of which was "The Moosetrap." 469 00:18:27,443 --> 00:18:29,003 Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?" 470 00:18:29,163 --> 00:18:30,883 It was a promotional interview. 471 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,403 She asked me the question and I- 472 00:18:32,563 --> 00:18:35,123 Did you give away the ending of "The Moosetrap?" 473 00:18:35,283 --> 00:18:37,483 Why the fuck do you keep asking me that? 474 00:18:39,483 --> 00:18:41,243 You're a rude fella, if you don't mind me saying. 475 00:18:41,403 --> 00:18:42,803 Well, you're an idiot. 476 00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:45,163 What did you just say? 477 00:18:45,323 --> 00:18:47,483 You'll apologise for that, big boy. 478 00:18:47,643 --> 00:18:48,203 No, I won't. 479 00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:52,523 What's that meant to be? 480 00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:53,963 Well, that's my sculpture of The Angel of the North, 481 00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:55,723 which I made out of matchsticks. 482 00:18:55,883 --> 00:18:57,643 Well, if you don't apologise, 483 00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,963 I'll smash your sculpture of The Angel of the North, 484 00:19:00,123 --> 00:19:01,363 which you made out of matchsticks. 485 00:19:01,523 --> 00:19:02,323 Hm! 486 00:19:05,923 --> 00:19:08,443 You wouldn't dare. 487 00:19:08,603 --> 00:19:11,083 [model smashing] 488 00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:16,523 That was a very stupid thing to do. 489 00:19:16,683 --> 00:19:19,603 Argh! 490 00:19:19,763 --> 00:19:23,283 [Jeremy thudding] 491 00:19:23,443 --> 00:19:24,203 Paxman? 492 00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:26,563 Paxman? 493 00:19:26,723 --> 00:19:28,163 Where the hell did he go? 494 00:19:28,323 --> 00:19:31,883 [upbeat pop-rock music] 495 00:19:32,043 --> 00:19:34,763 And so it becomes very clear. 496 00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:37,603 An unlikely killer to be sure. 497 00:19:37,763 --> 00:19:42,043 But there was only one person who had the motive, means, 498 00:19:42,203 --> 00:19:45,523 and opportunity to commit such a foul deed. 499 00:19:47,283 --> 00:19:49,443 The murderer is 500 00:19:50,843 --> 00:19:51,563 Lady Beddington. 501 00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:53,163 Huh? 502 00:19:53,323 --> 00:19:54,323 That's a surprise. 503 00:19:54,483 --> 00:19:55,723 What? 504 00:19:55,883 --> 00:19:58,283 No, no, you idiot! The chauffeur did it! 505 00:19:58,443 --> 00:19:59,643 No. It was Lady Beddington. 506 00:19:59,803 --> 00:20:01,683 [actor gasps] 507 00:20:01,843 --> 00:20:03,003 No, no, this is all wrong! 508 00:20:03,163 --> 00:20:04,403 The chauffeur did it! 509 00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:06,883 [gasps] My God. I think she's dead. 510 00:20:07,043 --> 00:20:08,243 Oh, brilliant. 511 00:20:08,403 --> 00:20:09,883 What's going on, Toast? 512 00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:11,643 I was just trying to shake things up a bit. 513 00:20:11,803 --> 00:20:12,843 How dare you, Post. 514 00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:14,643 Toast, you fuck nut! 515 00:20:14,803 --> 00:20:16,603 You bloody ruined it! 516 00:20:16,763 --> 00:20:18,923 -Rubbish! -Out of my way! 517 00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:20,603 Oh, that's right, yeah. Go on. 518 00:20:20,763 --> 00:20:22,323 Desert a sinking ship. 519 00:20:22,483 --> 00:20:25,043 Bugger off to "Cats," whatever it is you losers enjoy. 520 00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:27,283 Screw you, old timers! 521 00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:28,923 Good for you, Toast. 522 00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:30,963 -[Steven choking] -[electrical crackling] 523 00:20:31,123 --> 00:20:32,323 Argh! 524 00:20:32,483 --> 00:20:35,163 [Albert] There's not many in tonight. 525 00:20:35,323 --> 00:20:36,843 [Steven] I know! So you keep saying! 526 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:40,123 [upbeat pop-rock music] 527 00:20:41,723 --> 00:20:43,963 60 years, Toast. 528 00:20:44,123 --> 00:20:47,163 60 long and successful years, 529 00:20:47,323 --> 00:20:49,083 and now the show has closed 530 00:20:49,243 --> 00:20:51,763 and a wonderful actress has died. 531 00:20:51,923 --> 00:20:53,203 I didn't know she was one of your clients, Jane. 532 00:20:53,363 --> 00:20:54,643 Yes. 533 00:20:54,803 --> 00:20:56,443 The only thing she did apart from that play 534 00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:59,643 was an episode of "Poldark" in 1973. 535 00:20:59,803 --> 00:21:01,003 Such a tragedy. 536 00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:03,203 And all down to you. 537 00:21:05,003 --> 00:21:06,923 You won't be able to show your face around here for a while. 538 00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:08,843 I think you should go and live in France. 539 00:21:09,003 --> 00:21:11,083 And one more thing. 540 00:21:11,243 --> 00:21:12,403 What's this I hear about you 541 00:21:12,563 --> 00:21:15,323 on that university quiz show on the BBC? 542 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:16,323 -Ah. -Ah! 543 00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:17,643 Just about to tell me, were you? 544 00:21:17,803 --> 00:21:19,483 Going behind my back, 545 00:21:19,643 --> 00:21:21,963 trying to get jobs on your own were you, you fucking weasel! 546 00:21:22,123 --> 00:21:23,723 I just fancied the- 547 00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:25,843 "Fancied myself as an agent" by the sounds of things. 548 00:21:26,003 --> 00:21:27,123 What have I said? That you are never- 549 00:21:27,283 --> 00:21:28,923 Never to try and get jobs on my own. 550 00:21:29,083 --> 00:21:31,243 You are never ever to try and get jobs on your own. 551 00:21:31,403 --> 00:21:33,443 Well, you haven't got this job, anyway. 552 00:21:33,603 --> 00:21:34,763 -Who got it? -Well, not you! 553 00:21:34,923 --> 00:21:36,603 Because apparently, 554 00:21:36,763 --> 00:21:39,683 you had some kind of "argument with Jeremy Paxman, 555 00:21:39,843 --> 00:21:42,243 "destroyed his matchstick model of The Angel of the North, 556 00:21:42,403 --> 00:21:44,483 "and threw him out of a window." 557 00:21:44,643 --> 00:21:46,403 Did you throw Jeremy Paxman out of a window? 558 00:21:46,563 --> 00:21:47,763 No! 559 00:21:47,923 --> 00:21:49,003 Well, kind of. 560 00:21:49,163 --> 00:21:50,403 Oh. 561 00:21:50,563 --> 00:21:51,803 I didn't throw him out of a window, 562 00:21:51,963 --> 00:21:53,323 though he did end up going through a window. 563 00:21:53,483 --> 00:21:55,363 Unbelievable behaviour, Toast. 564 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:58,123 You have created a perfect fiasco. 565 00:21:58,283 --> 00:21:59,683 And now you're kind of 566 00:21:59,843 --> 00:22:01,603 throwing Jeremy Paxman out of windows 567 00:22:01,763 --> 00:22:03,363 and destroying his matchstick models. 568 00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:05,443 Really, Toast? I mean, really! 569 00:22:10,003 --> 00:22:13,083 [drawer clunking] 570 00:22:13,243 --> 00:22:15,523 I think you know what to do. 571 00:22:15,683 --> 00:22:19,123 [tense suspenseful music] 572 00:22:26,363 --> 00:22:28,003 And do a good job this time. 573 00:22:28,163 --> 00:22:30,163 Your last attempt wasn't very thorough. 574 00:22:35,363 --> 00:22:38,763 [bright upbeat rock music] 575 00:22:44,123 --> 00:22:45,443 Here's your starter for 10. 576 00:22:45,603 --> 00:22:47,283 What was the name of the second-rate actor 577 00:22:47,443 --> 00:22:49,203 who single-handedly forced the closure 578 00:22:49,363 --> 00:22:51,203 of the legendary play, "The Moosetrap," 579 00:22:51,363 --> 00:22:53,603 after a successful 60-year run in London's West End? 580 00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:54,443 [buzzer buzzing] 581 00:22:54,603 --> 00:22:56,043 Cambridge, Clacy-Smith! 582 00:22:56,923 --> 00:22:57,683 Steven Post? 583 00:22:57,843 --> 00:22:58,843 Near enough. 584 00:22:59,003 --> 00:23:01,043 ♪ So take my hand ♪ 585 00:23:01,203 --> 00:23:04,763 ♪ We'll disappear to above the sun ♪ 586 00:23:04,923 --> 00:23:06,563 ♪ To far from here ♪ 587 00:23:06,723 --> 00:23:10,283 ♪ No, I don't know you and you don't know me ♪ 588 00:23:10,443 --> 00:23:14,443 ♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪ 589 00:23:14,603 --> 00:23:18,483 ♪ So say you'll come, please come, girl ♪ 590 00:23:18,643 --> 00:23:22,843 ♪ You could be the one for all I know ♪