1
00:00:00,803 --> 00:00:02,243
[gentle music]

2
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:03,843
[Toast] But you
promised me, Jane.

3
00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:05,523
You said I would
definitely get the role.

4
00:00:05,683 --> 00:00:07,323
You said I was an
absolute shoe in.

5
00:00:07,483 --> 00:00:08,323
I know, Toast.

6
00:00:08,483 --> 00:00:09,763
That's what they said to me too.

7
00:00:09,923 --> 00:00:11,843
And then Bruce Willis
expresses an interest

8
00:00:12,003 --> 00:00:14,283
and it's a whole new ball game.

9
00:00:14,443 --> 00:00:16,563
Well this is very
embarrassing for me,

10
00:00:16,723 --> 00:00:19,323
having to go around
looking like a tit.

11
00:00:19,483 --> 00:00:21,083
I mean, can't you sue
them or something?

12
00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:23,683
Unfortunately not because
there was nothing in writing

13
00:00:23,843 --> 00:00:27,483
but I'm gonna make one
very angry phone call.

14
00:00:27,643 --> 00:00:28,963
I mean, I won't be able
to go out for six months.

15
00:00:29,123 --> 00:00:30,643
No, that is defeatism, Toast.

16
00:00:30,803 --> 00:00:32,243
You can still do voiceovers.

17
00:00:32,403 --> 00:00:33,723
[Toast sighs]

18
00:00:33,883 --> 00:00:35,563
In fact, I have you down
for one this afternoon.

19
00:00:35,723 --> 00:00:38,003
Oh, those fuckers
are gonna love this.

20
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:41,163
[upbeat flute music]

21
00:00:42,923 --> 00:00:43,843
Yeah nice outwear dude.

22
00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:44,843
You what?

23
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:46,323
Cool jacket Steven,

24
00:00:46,483 --> 00:00:47,363
haven't seen one like
that in a long while.

25
00:00:47,523 --> 00:00:48,363
What is that, vintage?

26
00:00:48,523 --> 00:00:50,363
No, it isn't bloody vintage.

27
00:00:50,523 --> 00:00:52,483
I got it from
Clifton's in St James'.

28
00:00:52,643 --> 00:00:53,723
Fancy.

29
00:00:53,883 --> 00:00:55,203
It is fancy.

30
00:00:55,363 --> 00:00:56,963
You won't find one
of these in Oxfam

31
00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,003
or whatever it is you pick
up those clown outfits from.

32
00:00:59,163 --> 00:01:00,003
Cool.

33
00:01:00,163 --> 00:01:00,923
Yeah, all right, let's get on.

34
00:01:01,083 --> 00:01:02,163
What are we doing?

35
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:03,763
Medical doc, operation
blow-by-blow,

36
00:01:03,923 --> 00:01:04,763
it's pretty squeamish stuff.

37
00:01:04,923 --> 00:01:06,563
Squeamish, poppycock.

38
00:01:06,723 --> 00:01:08,603
They've just sent
through the footage.

39
00:01:08,763 --> 00:01:09,963
Oh Jesus,

40
00:01:10,123 --> 00:01:11,243
-that's not nice.
-Ah.

41
00:01:11,403 --> 00:01:12,363
No, it's nothing I
won't have seen before.

42
00:01:12,523 --> 00:01:13,163
Let's just get on.

43
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,523
Hi, Steven.

44
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,643
This is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?

45
00:01:16,803 --> 00:01:18,563
Come on then Playto,
enlighten me.

46
00:01:19,723 --> 00:01:20,923
The footage is quite full on.

47
00:01:21,083 --> 00:01:22,883
If you'd rather record
it wild without picture,

48
00:01:23,043 --> 00:01:23,883
-it's totally doable.
-Yeah.

49
00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:25,323
No, I'll do it to picture.

50
00:01:25,483 --> 00:01:26,603
Run the tape.

51
00:01:26,763 --> 00:01:28,123
Okay, coming at you big guy.

52
00:01:30,563 --> 00:01:33,163
Head injuries are
possibly the most critical

53
00:01:33,323 --> 00:01:35,363
and serious injury
a qualified surgeon

54
00:01:35,523 --> 00:01:37,043
will ever have to attend to.

55
00:01:41,603 --> 00:01:43,323
A specially designed tool

56
00:01:43,483 --> 00:01:46,043
not unlike a workman's
masonry drill

57
00:01:46,203 --> 00:01:47,963
is lowered onto the mark,

58
00:01:48,123 --> 00:01:50,323
ready to cut through the skull.

59
00:01:50,483 --> 00:01:53,283
[Toast sniffing]

60
00:01:53,443 --> 00:01:54,203
Oh.

61
00:01:58,923 --> 00:02:00,163
The brain is now visible.

62
00:02:01,403 --> 00:02:04,523
[Toast vomiting]

63
00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:06,523
Is everything all right Steven?

64
00:02:06,683 --> 00:02:08,283
Hope you haven't got sick
all over your nice new coat.

65
00:02:08,443 --> 00:02:11,723
[Clem laughing]

66
00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:14,683
[upbeat piano music]

67
00:02:38,123 --> 00:02:41,203
The wind machine was
going at full tilt.

68
00:02:41,363 --> 00:02:42,883
Everyone else had been
blown off the bloody deck

69
00:02:43,043 --> 00:02:44,683
but I held my ground, Toast,

70
00:02:44,843 --> 00:02:47,243
and I delivered my
speech in one take.

71
00:02:47,403 --> 00:02:48,243
[Toast laughs]

72
00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:50,003
I have to hand it to you, Axel,

73
00:02:50,163 --> 00:02:52,763
I don't think there's a
finer actor in the country

74
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,563
when it comes to
performing in high winds.

75
00:02:54,723 --> 00:02:57,763
Well, I'm playing ship's
captains and mad kings.

76
00:02:57,923 --> 00:02:59,483
Performing in gales and storms

77
00:02:59,643 --> 00:03:01,803
comes very much
with the territory.

78
00:03:01,963 --> 00:03:03,923
Wind machines, rain machines,

79
00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:06,243
thunder and lightning
machines, sleep machines.

80
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:07,483
Tell me something.

81
00:03:07,643 --> 00:03:08,923
When you're performing
in high winds

82
00:03:09,083 --> 00:03:10,923
are you tethered to
a mast in some way?

83
00:03:11,083 --> 00:03:12,243
No, no, no,

84
00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:14,923
the public would notice
that immediately.

85
00:03:15,083 --> 00:03:16,563
It's all to do with technique.

86
00:03:16,723 --> 00:03:18,323
I look forlorn,

87
00:03:18,483 --> 00:03:21,803
but I usually stand at a
very, very slight angle.

88
00:03:21,963 --> 00:03:24,083
Well, even Olivier
used a safety harness.

89
00:03:24,243 --> 00:03:28,083
Yes, nice fellow, used
to be in the same lodge.

90
00:03:28,243 --> 00:03:30,803
I must invite you to a meeting.

91
00:03:30,963 --> 00:03:33,723
I'm guessing you're
on the square?

92
00:03:33,883 --> 00:03:35,643
What square?

93
00:03:35,803 --> 00:03:37,883
I wouldn't work with an actor
who wasn't in the Masons.

94
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,203
Oh, the Masons, oh yes.

95
00:03:41,643 --> 00:03:43,403
Yes, of course.

96
00:03:43,563 --> 00:03:45,243
So what's this production
that you're working on?

97
00:03:45,403 --> 00:03:47,963
TV adaptation of that
Master and Commander film.

98
00:03:48,123 --> 00:03:49,843
Nice.

99
00:03:50,003 --> 00:03:52,283
Mm, they're promising me
an absolute howling gale.

100
00:03:52,443 --> 00:03:54,123
[Toast laughs]

101
00:03:54,283 --> 00:03:57,003
You know, Toast, I've heard
it said that you, after me

102
00:03:57,163 --> 00:03:59,603
are the best high
winds actor in Britain.

103
00:03:59,763 --> 00:04:01,563
[Toast laughs]

104
00:04:01,723 --> 00:04:03,803
I mean, I'm good, but I don't
think I'm in your league.

105
00:04:03,963 --> 00:04:06,363
True, but if anything
should happen to me,

106
00:04:06,523 --> 00:04:08,923
you might find yourself
getting a few more job offers.

107
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,643
[Toast laughs]

108
00:04:10,803 --> 00:04:12,483
No, I think your position
will be quite secure

109
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:13,803
for some years to come.

110
00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,043
Cheers.

111
00:04:15,203 --> 00:04:18,203
[upbeat funky music]

112
00:04:23,403 --> 00:04:25,483
I was just talking
to Axel Jacklin,

113
00:04:25,643 --> 00:04:26,763
in The Colonial Club.

114
00:04:26,923 --> 00:04:28,523
Apparently he's a Mason.

115
00:04:28,683 --> 00:04:30,003
I see.

116
00:04:30,163 --> 00:04:31,363
You're not on the
square, are you?

117
00:04:32,963 --> 00:04:34,323
Well, yes, most actors are.

118
00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,043
I'm not.

119
00:04:36,203 --> 00:04:38,803
Always found it quite ridiculous
with the silly handshakes

120
00:04:38,963 --> 00:04:40,963
and pulling up your
trouser leg to the judge.

121
00:04:41,123 --> 00:04:42,763
Don't knock it, Toast.

122
00:04:42,923 --> 00:04:44,323
Many men have escaped
from a perilous situation

123
00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:46,883
by performing just
such a ritual.

124
00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:48,483
I remember once I
played a Bond girl,

125
00:04:48,643 --> 00:04:49,843
when I was in Octopussy.

126
00:04:50,003 --> 00:04:51,403
You played a Bond girl?

127
00:04:51,563 --> 00:04:54,163
Yes, at tennis, during
a break at Pinewood.

128
00:04:54,323 --> 00:04:57,683
Maude Adams, she wanted to
play the full three sets.

129
00:04:57,843 --> 00:04:58,803
Cubby Broccoli
came over and said,

130
00:04:58,963 --> 00:05:00,923
"no, you only had to play one."

131
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,763
He knew I was Mason, you see.

132
00:05:02,923 --> 00:05:04,083
We performed the ritual

133
00:05:04,243 --> 00:05:05,883
and I had the rest
of the afternoon off.

134
00:05:06,043 --> 00:05:07,123
What the hell are
you talking about?

135
00:05:07,283 --> 00:05:09,083
Mind if I watch the midday news?

136
00:05:09,243 --> 00:05:10,723
[News Reporter] Axel
Jacklin was well known

137
00:05:10,883 --> 00:05:12,323
for his many roles
in costume dramas.

138
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:13,723
No.

139
00:05:13,883 --> 00:05:14,683
[News Reporter] His
agent Jane Plough said

140
00:05:14,843 --> 00:05:15,803
it was a terrible tragedy.

141
00:05:15,963 --> 00:05:18,243
It's a terrible tragedy,

142
00:05:18,403 --> 00:05:21,243
but it's common knowledge
that after Axel,

143
00:05:21,403 --> 00:05:25,003
you are the best high
winds actor in Britain.

144
00:05:25,163 --> 00:05:27,483
So I've been onto the
Master and Commander chaps

145
00:05:27,643 --> 00:05:29,683
and I've persuaded them that you

146
00:05:29,843 --> 00:05:32,603
are the best actor to
take over the role.

147
00:05:32,763 --> 00:05:34,523
Well, you've certainly
moved fast Jane.

148
00:05:34,683 --> 00:05:36,883
Axel's only been
dead 46 minutes.

149
00:05:37,043 --> 00:05:39,523
There's no room for sentiment
in this game, Toast.

150
00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:42,123
And another thing, I presume
you're in the Masons?

151
00:05:42,283 --> 00:05:43,683
Well, you better
join up if you're not

152
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,283
because the producer,
Parker Pipe,

153
00:05:46,443 --> 00:05:49,563
is very keen on using
only Masonic actors.

154
00:05:49,723 --> 00:05:50,923
What's up, Toast?

155
00:05:51,083 --> 00:05:52,883
Sad about Axel?

156
00:05:53,043 --> 00:05:53,643
Yeah.

157
00:05:53,803 --> 00:05:55,723
Oh yes.

158
00:05:55,883 --> 00:05:58,763
People die all the time
though, don't they?

159
00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:02,043
Actors, prime ministers,
kings, queens.

160
00:06:02,203 --> 00:06:04,163
Everybody's just
passing through.

161
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,163
[eerie music]

162
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:06,803
The list of people who've died

163
00:06:06,963 --> 00:06:08,483
is as long as my arms

164
00:06:08,643 --> 00:06:11,923
and I have
unnaturally long arms.

165
00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,763
[Toast's fingers snapping]

166
00:06:13,923 --> 00:06:17,963
Imagine if all the actors
who were dead, were alive.

167
00:06:18,123 --> 00:06:20,843
There'd be no jobs for
the younger actors at all.

168
00:06:21,003 --> 00:06:22,243
Are you all right?

169
00:06:22,403 --> 00:06:24,763
[eerie music]

170
00:06:30,963 --> 00:06:32,443
[Toast clapping hands]

171
00:06:32,603 --> 00:06:35,883
No, we have to strike
while the iron is hot.

172
00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:39,043
Stay where you are, Toast.

173
00:06:41,523 --> 00:06:42,763
Are you all right, Jane?

174
00:06:42,923 --> 00:06:43,763
You're behaving
very, very queerly.

175
00:06:43,923 --> 00:06:45,123
Just stay where you are.

176
00:06:46,443 --> 00:06:47,763
The bats are back.

177
00:06:48,963 --> 00:06:51,763
Let me get my special swat.

178
00:06:51,923 --> 00:06:53,003
What special swat?

179
00:06:54,363 --> 00:06:56,643
[Jane yells]

180
00:06:56,803 --> 00:06:57,683
Whoa!

181
00:06:57,843 --> 00:07:00,243
Bloody bats, I hate you!

182
00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:02,643
Bloody bats, I hate bats!

183
00:07:02,803 --> 00:07:05,723
[dramatic rock music]

184
00:07:07,283 --> 00:07:09,723
[Jane sighing]

185
00:07:11,003 --> 00:07:12,523
[microphone buzzing]

186
00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:15,843
Hello, this is Esther Ranson,
may I order a takeaway?

187
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,403
[upbeat funky music]

188
00:07:19,563 --> 00:07:20,203
Toast.

189
00:07:20,363 --> 00:07:21,203
Davidson?

190
00:07:21,363 --> 00:07:22,803
Have you been to see Jane?

191
00:07:22,963 --> 00:07:24,363
What the hell is
going on up there?

192
00:07:24,523 --> 00:07:25,563
Should I get a doctor?

193
00:07:25,723 --> 00:07:27,563
Was it the bats?

194
00:07:27,723 --> 00:07:29,163
She did mention bats.

195
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,003
I thought so.

196
00:07:30,163 --> 00:07:30,803
I'd better go up.

197
00:07:30,963 --> 00:07:31,883
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

198
00:07:32,043 --> 00:07:34,163
It is a bit alarming.

199
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:37,643
The truth is, Toast,
she's back on the acid.

200
00:07:37,803 --> 00:07:40,363
Ah, well that would explain it.

201
00:07:40,523 --> 00:07:43,163
She was definitely having
some kind of bad bat trip.

202
00:07:43,323 --> 00:07:44,763
How long has she been
back on the acid?

203
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:45,803
A week.

204
00:07:45,963 --> 00:07:47,203
Her timing is appalling.

205
00:07:47,363 --> 00:07:48,963
You know, there's a
surprise party for her

206
00:07:49,123 --> 00:07:51,883
at The Colonial
tomorrow, celebrating
40 years as an agent.

207
00:07:52,043 --> 00:07:53,563
Jane really needs
her friends now.

208
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,283
We all have to rally round.

209
00:07:55,443 --> 00:07:57,963
Sorry, Davidson, I need
to ask you something.

210
00:07:58,123 --> 00:07:58,923
What?

211
00:08:00,963 --> 00:08:03,203
Are you a Mason?

212
00:08:03,363 --> 00:08:04,843
[Davidson laughs]

213
00:08:05,003 --> 00:08:06,763
-Of course, yes.
-Yes.

214
00:08:06,923 --> 00:08:09,243
[glass shatters]

215
00:08:09,403 --> 00:08:10,163
Jane?

216
00:08:11,843 --> 00:08:12,363
Jane, Jane, Jane.

217
00:08:15,883 --> 00:08:16,683
Steven.

218
00:08:17,963 --> 00:08:20,123
I'm Parker Pipe, the producer.

219
00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:21,643
Nice to meet you.

220
00:08:21,803 --> 00:08:23,163
This is Chloe
Hammerslag, my assistant.

221
00:08:23,323 --> 00:08:24,603
Hello.

222
00:08:24,763 --> 00:08:26,883
You knew Axel?

223
00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:28,803
Very well indeed, old friends.

224
00:08:28,963 --> 00:08:30,163
It's such a tragedy.

225
00:08:30,323 --> 00:08:32,643
His very first day on set.

226
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,603
Yeah, he was just
blown away, I believe.

227
00:08:34,763 --> 00:08:37,843
Yes, yes, his luck
finally ran out.

228
00:08:38,003 --> 00:08:39,923
He lost his footing
and just blown away.

229
00:08:40,083 --> 00:08:42,203
Hit the back wall of the
set at 70 miles an hour.

230
00:08:43,563 --> 00:08:45,043
He told me he never
wore a harness.

231
00:08:45,203 --> 00:08:46,683
He never did.

232
00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:48,683
Put authenticity
above everything.

233
00:08:50,283 --> 00:08:52,923
But the show must
go on, as they say,

234
00:08:53,083 --> 00:08:54,883
and Jane thoroughly
recommended you.

235
00:08:55,043 --> 00:08:55,883
How is Jane?

236
00:08:56,043 --> 00:08:57,123
She's back on the acid.

237
00:08:57,283 --> 00:08:58,603
Oh dear.

238
00:08:58,763 --> 00:09:00,083
Anyway, I've got a script here.

239
00:09:00,243 --> 00:09:03,443
By the way, Toast,
I presume you are?

240
00:09:05,523 --> 00:09:08,683
Oh yes, fully paid up
and committed member.

241
00:09:10,363 --> 00:09:11,243
Thanks Camilla.

242
00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:13,803
Parker.

243
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:16,683
Toast.

244
00:09:16,843 --> 00:09:17,803
Ray bloody Purchase.

245
00:09:17,963 --> 00:09:19,043
What are you doing here?

246
00:09:19,203 --> 00:09:20,323
Do you two know each other?

247
00:09:20,483 --> 00:09:21,043
-Yes.
-Yes.

248
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,403
We thought you could
play the scene together

249
00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:25,563
if that's okay?

250
00:09:25,723 --> 00:09:27,083
God.

251
00:09:27,243 --> 00:09:28,843
I didn't know you
were up for this.

252
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:29,603
I didn't know you were up
for this either, Toast.

253
00:09:29,763 --> 00:09:30,163
You're not a Mason.

254
00:09:30,323 --> 00:09:31,083
Yes I am.

255
00:09:31,243 --> 00:09:32,563
Oh yes he is.

256
00:09:32,723 --> 00:09:34,243
What?

257
00:09:34,403 --> 00:09:36,963
There's one thing we'd
just like to try out.

258
00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:37,883
Chloe, could you?

259
00:09:40,043 --> 00:09:42,083
Steven, Ray, would you mind

260
00:09:42,243 --> 00:09:43,883
standing in front
of the machine?

261
00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:45,203
Of course.

262
00:09:45,363 --> 00:09:46,443
All right, if I must.

263
00:09:46,603 --> 00:09:49,483
That would be great.

264
00:09:49,643 --> 00:09:52,163
I don't need a script
Parker, I've learnt it.

265
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:56,163
We're going to start
on a three setting

266
00:09:56,323 --> 00:09:57,843
and then gradually
bring it up to

267
00:09:59,883 --> 00:10:01,323
10.

268
00:10:01,483 --> 00:10:02,123
[wind machine whirring]

269
00:10:02,283 --> 00:10:03,643
In your own time.

270
00:10:05,963 --> 00:10:08,443
Three days out of port, Captain.

271
00:10:08,603 --> 00:10:11,763
When do you think the
Frenchies will show themselves?

272
00:10:11,923 --> 00:10:14,003
Soon enough, Chief Surgeon.

273
00:10:14,163 --> 00:10:17,923
But fear not, the wind may
blow and storms may rage,

274
00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:20,163
England will never fail.

275
00:10:20,323 --> 00:10:21,323
Aye aye Captain.

276
00:10:23,203 --> 00:10:25,803
Though it is a
stiff southwesterly.

277
00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:27,083
Our destiny

278
00:10:28,443 --> 00:10:30,443
is to see us through the battle.

279
00:10:30,603 --> 00:10:32,323
Sweet victory shall be.

280
00:10:32,483 --> 00:10:34,283
[machine buzzes]

281
00:10:34,443 --> 00:10:35,283
Shall be.

282
00:10:35,443 --> 00:10:36,083
[Ray yells]

283
00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:37,683
[Ray crashes into wall]

284
00:10:37,843 --> 00:10:39,763
Okay, okay, turn
off the wind Chloe.

285
00:10:39,923 --> 00:10:42,683
Steven, you stood on your feet.

286
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,003
That's fantastic.

287
00:10:45,163 --> 00:10:47,323
I'm so impressed, I think
I'm gonna promote you

288
00:10:47,483 --> 00:10:49,003
to the lead role
of the Captain now

289
00:10:49,163 --> 00:10:51,163
and demote Ray to Chief Surgeon.

290
00:10:51,323 --> 00:10:52,603
Well, that would be great.

291
00:10:52,763 --> 00:10:55,123
Ray Purchase is a top
class, high winds actor

292
00:10:55,283 --> 00:10:57,403
but you are even better.

293
00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:59,483
The wind machine was up to nine.

294
00:10:59,643 --> 00:11:02,563
I mean to manage nine
at your first read.

295
00:11:02,723 --> 00:11:04,963
Well, it's just super.

296
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,483
Well, I was stood
at a slide angle.

297
00:11:06,643 --> 00:11:08,043
It's a tip from Axel Jacklin.

298
00:11:08,203 --> 00:11:09,683
Yes,

299
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,483
poor, poor Axel.

300
00:11:12,723 --> 00:11:15,083
[Parker sobs]

301
00:11:23,563 --> 00:11:25,963
Ed, I need to become
a Mason immediately.

302
00:11:26,123 --> 00:11:26,963
Can you pull some strings?

303
00:11:27,123 --> 00:11:28,003
Who are you trying to impress?

304
00:11:28,163 --> 00:11:28,843
Parker Pipe.

305
00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:29,643
The producer?

306
00:11:29,803 --> 00:11:30,683
The very same.

307
00:11:30,843 --> 00:11:32,403
Oh, he's very high up,

308
00:11:32,563 --> 00:11:34,043
partakes in some of the
more exotic Masonic rituals.

309
00:11:34,203 --> 00:11:35,523
I couldn't give rat shit.

310
00:11:35,683 --> 00:11:37,363
Could you get me in?

311
00:11:37,523 --> 00:11:38,043
I think I know someone who
may be able to help you.

312
00:11:38,203 --> 00:11:39,443
Really, who?

313
00:11:39,603 --> 00:11:41,403
The thing is, he's
an East Ender,

314
00:11:41,563 --> 00:11:43,283
you'll have to travel into
the East End to meet him.

315
00:11:43,443 --> 00:11:44,963
Who is this Cockney cheap-jack?

316
00:11:46,483 --> 00:11:48,123
Fellow by the name of Basil Jet.

317
00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:49,763
I've got his number and address.

318
00:11:49,923 --> 00:11:50,843
He may be able to
fast track you.

319
00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:51,603
Fabulous.

320
00:11:51,763 --> 00:11:52,523
It'll cost you.

321
00:11:52,683 --> 00:11:53,523
How much?

322
00:11:53,683 --> 00:11:54,803
27 pounds, 50 pence.

323
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:56,683
Well, that's not too bad.

324
00:11:56,843 --> 00:11:57,443
And for goodness sake, Toast,
keep my name out of it.

325
00:11:57,603 --> 00:11:58,283
All right, Ed.

326
00:11:59,363 --> 00:12:00,723
The East End you say.

327
00:12:00,883 --> 00:12:02,163
[gentle music]

328
00:12:02,323 --> 00:12:03,923
I wonder what it's
like these days.

329
00:12:06,483 --> 00:12:07,683
[baby crying]

330
00:12:07,843 --> 00:12:08,803
Many thanks cabbie,
keep the change.

331
00:12:08,963 --> 00:12:10,843
[Cabbie] Thanking you, Sir.

332
00:12:11,003 --> 00:12:12,083
[people chattering]

333
00:12:12,243 --> 00:12:14,603
[dog barking]

334
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,083
Bugger off.

335
00:12:20,403 --> 00:12:23,603
Follow me love, I can
suck the Thames dry.

336
00:12:23,763 --> 00:12:25,363
Is that you Mrs. Purchase?

337
00:12:25,523 --> 00:12:27,683
Toast, what are you doing here?

338
00:12:27,843 --> 00:12:29,123
You're in the East End.

339
00:12:29,283 --> 00:12:30,723
I'm looking for a
chap called Basil Jet.

340
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,243
That's his shop, two doors down.

341
00:12:34,243 --> 00:12:36,763
I must say, you're full of
surprises Mrs. Purchase.

342
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:37,683
Shh, don't say my name.

343
00:12:38,763 --> 00:12:39,763
Oh, yes of course.

344
00:12:41,603 --> 00:12:42,163
Officer.

345
00:12:45,083 --> 00:12:47,163
[door bell buzzing]

346
00:12:47,323 --> 00:12:48,083
[Basil] Who are you?

347
00:12:48,243 --> 00:12:49,683
What do you want?

348
00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:50,923
My name's Toast.

349
00:12:51,083 --> 00:12:52,803
I want to be a Mason today.

350
00:12:52,963 --> 00:12:55,203
[dog barking]

351
00:12:55,363 --> 00:12:56,363
You can't become a
Mason just like that.

352
00:12:56,523 --> 00:12:58,283
Ed Howzer-Black
said I could join.

353
00:12:58,443 --> 00:13:00,323
Ah, right, you got the money?

354
00:13:00,483 --> 00:13:01,243
Yes.

355
00:13:01,403 --> 00:13:03,523
27 pounds and 50 pence.

356
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,243
Yeah, well I'm a
little bit busy today

357
00:13:05,403 --> 00:13:06,763
to do the paperwork, so
you'll have to use the app.

358
00:13:06,923 --> 00:13:08,523
An app?

359
00:13:08,683 --> 00:13:10,163
What there's an app you can
use, to join the Masons?

360
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:11,563
Wow.

361
00:13:11,723 --> 00:13:12,523
What's an app?

362
00:13:12,683 --> 00:13:14,243
You ask and he'll tell you.

363
00:13:14,403 --> 00:13:16,443
You download the app and
I'll text you the password.

364
00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:18,563
Whoa, whoa, whoa, when
do I get initiated?

365
00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,323
I'll let you know
all about that.

366
00:13:20,483 --> 00:13:22,523
We'll have a ceremony, bit
of a booze up, finger food.

367
00:13:22,683 --> 00:13:24,243
And you, Sir, you
get a goodie bag.

368
00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:25,003
-Ooh.
-Yeah.

369
00:13:25,163 --> 00:13:26,003
Great.

370
00:13:26,163 --> 00:13:28,123
[door slams shut]

371
00:13:28,283 --> 00:13:29,123
[door bell buzzing]

372
00:13:29,283 --> 00:13:30,163
I say, what's a goodie bag?

373
00:13:30,323 --> 00:13:33,723
[upbeat piano music]

374
00:13:33,883 --> 00:13:34,643
Where is she?

375
00:13:36,763 --> 00:13:38,683
♪ Ray ♪

376
00:13:38,843 --> 00:13:40,203
♪ Ah ♪

377
00:13:40,363 --> 00:13:41,963
Oh God, not you again.

378
00:13:42,123 --> 00:13:45,923
Yes, it's me, Toast, Ray
fucking Purchase, again.

379
00:13:46,083 --> 00:13:48,163
What the hell were you talking
about at that audition?

380
00:13:48,323 --> 00:13:49,483
You're not a Mason.

381
00:13:49,643 --> 00:13:50,443
Yes I am.

382
00:13:50,603 --> 00:13:51,483
Yeah.

383
00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:53,483
Jane should be here by now.

384
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:54,763
I'll try and track her down.

385
00:13:54,923 --> 00:13:55,603
Yeah.

386
00:13:55,763 --> 00:13:56,643
Who else is here?

387
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:57,683
Fotheringham's here.

388
00:13:57,843 --> 00:13:59,163
Last time I saw him,

389
00:13:59,323 --> 00:14:00,243
he was being carried
off to the BBC jail.

390
00:14:00,403 --> 00:14:02,083
Yeah, they let him out today.

391
00:14:02,243 --> 00:14:03,883
A lot of his types have been
released from the BBC jail

392
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,923
in return for a reduction
in the licence fee.

393
00:14:06,923 --> 00:14:07,723
Whoa.

394
00:14:08,803 --> 00:14:10,003
Fotheringham.

395
00:14:10,163 --> 00:14:12,643
[Fotheringham groans]

396
00:14:12,803 --> 00:14:14,403
Didn't realise it
was fancy dress.

397
00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:15,483
It isn't.

398
00:14:15,643 --> 00:14:16,603
Ah.

399
00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:18,683
[phone ringing]

400
00:14:18,843 --> 00:14:20,643
Toast.

401
00:14:20,803 --> 00:14:22,883
Don't tell anyone but we're
having a surprise party

402
00:14:23,043 --> 00:14:25,603
for Jane at the Colonial Club.

403
00:14:25,763 --> 00:14:26,963
No, you are Jane.

404
00:14:27,123 --> 00:14:28,323
What?

405
00:14:28,483 --> 00:14:30,243
We're here at the
Colonial Club waiting.

406
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,043
Right?

407
00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:33,883
Yeah, well get here
as fast as you can.

408
00:14:34,963 --> 00:14:36,003
[Toast sighs]

409
00:14:36,163 --> 00:14:36,723
Everything all right, Toast?

410
00:14:36,883 --> 00:14:38,803
Ah, fuck off.

411
00:14:38,963 --> 00:14:42,363
[mysterious intense music]

412
00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:49,883
And I said to her,
what the hell is wrong?

413
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:51,923
Have I forgotten our
wedding anniversary?

414
00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:54,403
And she said, no, we're
not actually married.

415
00:14:54,563 --> 00:14:55,923
[group laughing]

416
00:14:56,083 --> 00:14:57,443
What are you doing here, Blair?

417
00:14:57,603 --> 00:14:58,403
How do you know each other?

418
00:14:58,563 --> 00:15:00,443
Oh, we know each other.

419
00:15:00,603 --> 00:15:02,003
♪ Mason ♪

420
00:15:02,163 --> 00:15:03,003
Oh.

421
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:04,443
[mysterious drum music]

422
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:05,683
What?

423
00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:06,643
[door slams open]

424
00:15:06,803 --> 00:15:08,803
[crowd shouting surprise]

425
00:15:08,963 --> 00:15:12,363
[eerie instrumental music]

426
00:15:21,563 --> 00:15:22,163
[Jane hitting floor]

427
00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:23,163
[crowd gasping]

428
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,643
I'll just go and help her.

429
00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:26,243
Get everyone's attention, Toast.

430
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:27,203
Should say a few words.

431
00:15:27,363 --> 00:15:28,123
Yeah.

432
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,163
What's going on here?

433
00:15:34,323 --> 00:15:36,923
Just say a few words
to welcome everybody.

434
00:15:37,083 --> 00:15:39,763
[glass clinking]

435
00:15:55,123 --> 00:15:55,923
Fuck.

436
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,203
40 years

437
00:16:01,363 --> 00:16:03,203
in the business

438
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,843
and it doesn't seem
a day too long.

439
00:16:07,483 --> 00:16:09,803
When Ray Purchase told
me there was gonna be

440
00:16:09,963 --> 00:16:12,763
a surprise party for me,

441
00:16:12,923 --> 00:16:16,843
I was of course,
very, very thrilled.

442
00:16:17,003 --> 00:16:21,443
So everybody just have a
wonderful, wonderful time.

443
00:16:21,603 --> 00:16:22,643
-Here, here.
-Cheers.

444
00:16:22,803 --> 00:16:26,203
[Jane groaning]

445
00:16:26,363 --> 00:16:27,723
[Jane hitting floor]

446
00:16:27,883 --> 00:16:31,323
[gentle instrumental music]

447
00:16:31,483 --> 00:16:32,763
[Toast sighing]

448
00:16:32,923 --> 00:16:34,843
Oh, how lovely.

449
00:16:35,003 --> 00:16:36,723
From Torvill and Dean.

450
00:16:38,683 --> 00:16:41,603
Sorry if I've been a bit
out of it recently, Toast.

451
00:16:41,763 --> 00:16:43,203
Thank you for visiting me.

452
00:16:43,363 --> 00:16:45,043
I do hope you can
stay for a while.

453
00:16:45,203 --> 00:16:46,683
I'm a bit lonely here.

454
00:16:46,843 --> 00:16:48,363
[phone ringing]

455
00:16:48,523 --> 00:16:49,123
Toast.

456
00:16:50,883 --> 00:16:51,723
Ah,

457
00:16:51,883 --> 00:16:52,923
very well.

458
00:16:53,883 --> 00:16:55,163
It's Parker Pipe.

459
00:16:55,323 --> 00:16:56,643
I've gotta go.

460
00:16:56,803 --> 00:16:58,563
Oh, don't leave me,
you've just arrived.

461
00:16:58,723 --> 00:17:00,883
[gentle piano music]

462
00:17:01,043 --> 00:17:04,603
I get so lonely here at the
Mayfair House of Addiction.

463
00:17:04,763 --> 00:17:06,523
[people groaning]

464
00:17:06,683 --> 00:17:08,483
Parker?

465
00:17:08,643 --> 00:17:09,283
Toast.

466
00:17:10,683 --> 00:17:12,403
So, you've officially
got the job.

467
00:17:14,043 --> 00:17:16,403
Welcome on board Captain.

468
00:17:16,563 --> 00:17:18,403
This free Mason's lark
is the bee's knees.

469
00:17:18,563 --> 00:17:23,083
I normally celebrate
with an impromptu orgy.

470
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:24,563
I'll have a slice of this.

471
00:17:24,723 --> 00:17:26,363
[phone ringing]

472
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:28,403
Oh, fuck.

473
00:17:28,563 --> 00:17:29,123
Basil Jet.

474
00:17:30,963 --> 00:17:32,363
Is it now?

475
00:17:32,523 --> 00:17:33,043
Oh.

476
00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:35,363
All right.

477
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:38,283
I've gotta go Pipe.

478
00:17:38,443 --> 00:17:40,843
Oh well, what a
shame, never mind.

479
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:42,923
I'll see you on set.

480
00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:44,523
You betcha.

481
00:17:44,683 --> 00:17:46,203
Ooh.

482
00:17:46,363 --> 00:17:49,203
[upbeat funky music]

483
00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:55,963
Masons.

484
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:06,723
It is my duty to now begin
tonight's initiation ceremony.

485
00:18:09,043 --> 00:18:11,643
Is everything prepared
for Junior Deacon?

486
00:18:11,803 --> 00:18:14,523
Aye Grand Master.

487
00:18:14,683 --> 00:18:16,243
Will the head of ceremony

488
00:18:16,403 --> 00:18:19,123
please place the under
brother unto the line.

489
00:18:20,843 --> 00:18:22,043
♪ Mason ♪

490
00:18:22,203 --> 00:18:25,323
Remove his hood and step aside.

491
00:18:29,243 --> 00:18:30,443
You've got to be
fucking kidding.

492
00:18:30,603 --> 00:18:32,083
Toast!

493
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:33,443
What the hell are
you doing here?

494
00:18:33,603 --> 00:18:36,603
Are you under
brother Steven Toast?

495
00:18:36,763 --> 00:18:37,723
I am.

496
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,723
Is this your doing Ed?

497
00:18:39,883 --> 00:18:41,363
Well, he seemed very keen

498
00:18:41,523 --> 00:18:42,723
and he did pay his 27 pounds 50.

499
00:18:42,883 --> 00:18:44,443
Oh I'm sure he did,

500
00:18:44,603 --> 00:18:45,563
but come on old chap.

501
00:18:45,723 --> 00:18:47,163
[Grand Master] Silence.

502
00:18:47,323 --> 00:18:49,883
[drum pounding]

503
00:18:52,643 --> 00:18:53,203
What the?

504
00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:00,643
Right, you have one
minute starting from

505
00:19:01,603 --> 00:19:02,643
now.

506
00:19:02,803 --> 00:19:03,643
There's a magnet,

507
00:19:05,443 --> 00:19:06,043
an onion,

508
00:19:09,563 --> 00:19:11,563
framed photograph of
Dan and Peter Snow.

509
00:19:11,723 --> 00:19:13,443
Very well.

510
00:19:13,603 --> 00:19:16,643
The secret initiation
ceremonies shall now commence.

511
00:19:18,483 --> 00:19:20,003
[Broadcaster] Due to
broadcasting constraints,

512
00:19:20,163 --> 00:19:22,443
Channel four is not permitted
to show certain parts

513
00:19:22,603 --> 00:19:24,243
of a Masonic
initiation ceremony.

514
00:19:24,403 --> 00:19:25,963
[pig squealing]

515
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,523
I would slit my own throat

516
00:19:28,683 --> 00:19:30,283
for in the eyes of
God, I am nothing

517
00:19:30,443 --> 00:19:31,923
but a fool

518
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,923
and a beggar.

519
00:19:34,083 --> 00:19:36,523
[Grand Master groaning]

520
00:19:36,683 --> 00:19:39,163
I would slit my own throat

521
00:19:39,323 --> 00:19:42,243
for in the eyes of
God, I am nothing

522
00:19:42,403 --> 00:19:44,163
but a fool and a beggar.

523
00:19:45,363 --> 00:19:48,443
[Grand Master groaning]

524
00:19:48,603 --> 00:19:50,723
The time has now come.

525
00:19:50,883 --> 00:19:52,723
Remove the brother's blindfold

526
00:19:52,883 --> 00:19:55,323
that he may see the light.

527
00:19:55,483 --> 00:19:57,003
[upbeat magical music]

528
00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:58,523
I'm in, yes!

529
00:19:58,683 --> 00:19:59,483
I

530
00:19:59,643 --> 00:20:00,803
am in.

531
00:20:00,963 --> 00:20:03,803
[funky bass music]

532
00:20:10,363 --> 00:20:12,203
♪ Keep it on the square ♪

533
00:20:12,363 --> 00:20:14,803
♪ It's a clandestine affair ♪

534
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,323
♪ Be silent or beware ♪

535
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:19,803
♪ Beware ♪

536
00:20:19,963 --> 00:20:21,963
♪ Keep it on the square ♪

537
00:20:22,123 --> 00:20:24,243
♪ It's a clandestine affair ♪

538
00:20:24,403 --> 00:20:26,883
♪ Be silent or beware ♪

539
00:20:27,043 --> 00:20:29,083
♪ Beware ♪

540
00:20:41,683 --> 00:20:43,243
♪ Beware ♪

541
00:20:43,403 --> 00:20:44,643
Thunder and lightning.

542
00:20:44,803 --> 00:20:46,563
[thunder roaring]

543
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:47,843
Cannon fire.

544
00:20:48,003 --> 00:20:49,683
[cannons firing]

545
00:20:49,843 --> 00:20:51,603
Wind machine.

546
00:20:51,763 --> 00:20:53,043
[wind howling]

547
00:20:53,203 --> 00:20:54,163
Snow machine.

548
00:20:55,483 --> 00:20:56,763
And

549
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,443
action.

550
00:20:58,603 --> 00:21:00,803
What a battle it was.

551
00:21:00,963 --> 00:21:02,683
What a storm we endured.

552
00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:07,363
And victory came
at a great price.

553
00:21:07,523 --> 00:21:09,043
Oh, there he is.

554
00:21:09,203 --> 00:21:11,243
What the fuck do you
want, Ray Purchase?

555
00:21:11,403 --> 00:21:12,523
What are you doing here Ray?

556
00:21:12,683 --> 00:21:13,323
Cut!

557
00:21:13,483 --> 00:21:14,043
Cut the wind!

558
00:21:15,523 --> 00:21:17,163
You may be interested
to know brother

559
00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:19,443
that your big star up
there only became a Mason

560
00:21:19,603 --> 00:21:20,603
to get this gig.

561
00:21:20,763 --> 00:21:21,723
He joined up last night.

562
00:21:21,883 --> 00:21:23,923
What, is this true Toast?

563
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:25,203
What does it matter?

564
00:21:25,363 --> 00:21:27,483
Of course it matters.

565
00:21:27,643 --> 00:21:30,283
You have written rough shot

566
00:21:30,443 --> 00:21:33,363
over ancient Masonic
codes of practise.

567
00:21:33,523 --> 00:21:34,883
Rough shot.

568
00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:36,523
We'll recast immediately
with Ray as the Captain.

569
00:21:36,683 --> 00:21:37,683
Terrific.

570
00:21:37,843 --> 00:21:39,203
Come on down, Toast.

571
00:21:39,363 --> 00:21:40,643
I've just got up here.

572
00:21:40,803 --> 00:21:43,523
Are you coming down or not?

573
00:21:43,683 --> 00:21:45,203
No.

574
00:21:45,363 --> 00:21:47,843
I still have my Chief Surgeon's
amputation saw, Parker,

575
00:21:48,003 --> 00:21:48,843
if you want?

576
00:21:49,003 --> 00:21:50,603
[Parker laughing]

577
00:21:50,763 --> 00:21:52,043
Get to work, brother.

578
00:21:53,523 --> 00:21:56,603
[mysterious piano music]

579
00:21:56,763 --> 00:21:57,603
[Ray sawing wood]

580
00:21:57,763 --> 00:21:59,123
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

581
00:21:59,283 --> 00:22:00,123
This is a way up.

582
00:22:01,163 --> 00:22:02,883
Don't be stupid Purchase.

583
00:22:03,043 --> 00:22:04,563
[Parker laughing]

584
00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:06,003
Purchase!

585
00:22:06,163 --> 00:22:07,323
[wood creaking]

586
00:22:07,483 --> 00:22:08,083
Purchase!

587
00:22:09,323 --> 00:22:10,563
[mast crashing down]

588
00:22:10,723 --> 00:22:12,363
[baby crying]

589
00:22:12,523 --> 00:22:14,443
Many thanks cabbie,
keep the change.

590
00:22:14,603 --> 00:22:15,843
[Cabbie] Thanking you, Sir.

591
00:22:16,003 --> 00:22:18,123
[indistinct]

592
00:22:18,283 --> 00:22:20,643
[dog barking]

593
00:22:22,283 --> 00:22:24,643
[baby crying]

594
00:22:26,483 --> 00:22:27,403
Mrs. Purchase.

595
00:22:27,563 --> 00:22:28,603
Oh,

596
00:22:28,763 --> 00:22:29,843
Toast,

597
00:22:30,003 --> 00:22:30,643
here again.

598
00:22:30,803 --> 00:22:31,683
Yes indeed.

599
00:22:31,843 --> 00:22:33,843
I was just in the area

600
00:22:34,003 --> 00:22:37,203
getting a refund for the 27.50
I paid to the Free Masons.

601
00:22:37,363 --> 00:22:39,203
I'm a little early, you're not.

602
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,483
Come.

603
00:22:41,643 --> 00:22:43,003
[Toast grunting]

604
00:22:43,163 --> 00:22:43,843
Oh.

605
00:22:44,003 --> 00:22:44,683
[police whistle blowing]

606
00:22:44,843 --> 00:22:45,803
Turn crawler ahead!

607
00:22:45,963 --> 00:22:46,803
Shit, you're for it now, Toast.

608
00:22:46,963 --> 00:22:48,563
Don't you worry, Mrs. P.

609
00:22:49,723 --> 00:22:52,043
Nothing to see here, officer.

610
00:22:52,203 --> 00:22:53,683
Sorry brother, my mistake.

611
00:22:53,843 --> 00:22:55,123
-[Toast] Yes.
-Ooh.

612
00:22:55,283 --> 00:22:56,843
[upbeat funky music]

613
00:22:57,003 --> 00:23:00,483
♪ So take my hand,
we'll disappear ♪

614
00:23:00,643 --> 00:23:04,483
♪ To a pub that's not
too far from here ♪

615
00:23:04,643 --> 00:23:08,363
♪ Though I don't know you
and you don't know me ♪

616
00:23:08,523 --> 00:23:12,403
♪ I just had to talk
to you, you see ♪

617
00:23:12,563 --> 00:23:16,403
♪ So say you'll come,
please don't go ♪

618
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:20,563
♪ You could be the
one for all I know ♪