[gentle music]
[Toast] But you promised me, Jane.
You said I would definitely get the role.
You said I was an absolute shoe in.
I know, Toast.
That's what they said to me too.
And then Bruce Willis expresses an interest
and it's a whole new ball game.
Well this is very embarrassing for me,
having to go around looking like a tit.
I mean, can't you sue them or something?
Unfortunately not because there was nothing in writing
but I'm gonna make one very angry phone call.
I mean, I won't be able to go out for six months.
No, that is defeatism, Toast.
You can still do voiceovers.
[Toast sighs]
In fact, I have you down for one this afternoon.
Oh, those fuckers are gonna love this.
[upbeat flute music]
Yeah nice outwear dude.
You what?
Cool jacket Steven,
haven't seen one like that in a long while.
What is that, vintage?
No, it isn't bloody vintage.
I got it from Clifton's in St James'.
Fancy.
It is fancy.
You won't find one of these in Oxfam
or whatever it is you pick up those clown outfits from.
Cool.
Yeah, all right, let's get on.
What are we doing?
Medical doc, operation blow-by-blow,
it's pretty squeamish stuff.
Squeamish, poppycock.
They've just sent through the footage.
Oh Jesus,
-that's not nice. -Ah.
No, it's nothing I won't have seen before.
Let's just get on.
Hi, Steven.
This is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
Come on then Playto, enlighten me.
The footage is quite full on.
If you'd rather record it wild without picture,
-it's totally doable. -Yeah.
No, I'll do it to picture.
Run the tape.
Okay, coming at you big guy.
Head injuries are possibly the most critical
and serious injury a qualified surgeon
will ever have to attend to.
A specially designed tool
not unlike a workman's masonry drill
is lowered onto the mark,
ready to cut through the skull.
[Toast sniffing]
Oh.
The brain is now visible.
[Toast vomiting]
Is everything all right Steven?
Hope you haven't got sick all over your nice new coat.
[Clem laughing]
[upbeat piano music]
The wind machine was going at full tilt.
Everyone else had been blown off the bloody deck
but I held my ground, Toast,
and I delivered my speech in one take.
[Toast laughs]
I have to hand it to you, Axel,
I don't think there's a finer actor in the country
when it comes to performing in high winds.
Well, I'm playing ship's captains and mad kings.
Performing in gales and storms
comes very much with the territory.
Wind machines, rain machines,
thunder and lightning machines, sleep machines.
Tell me something.
When you're performing in high winds
are you tethered to a mast in some way?
No, no, no,
the public would notice that immediately.
It's all to do with technique.
I look forlorn,
but I usually stand at a very, very slight angle.
Well, even Olivier used a safety harness.
Yes, nice fellow, used to be in the same lodge.
I must invite you to a meeting.
I'm guessing you're on the square?
What square?
I wouldn't work with an actor who wasn't in the Masons.
Oh, the Masons, oh yes.
Yes, of course.
So what's this production that you're working on?
TV adaptation of that Master and Commander film.
Nice.
Mm, they're promising me an absolute howling gale.
[Toast laughs]
You know, Toast, I've heard it said that you, after me
are the best high winds actor in Britain.
[Toast laughs]
I mean, I'm good, but I don't think I'm in your league.
True, but if anything should happen to me,
you might find yourself getting a few more job offers.
[Toast laughs]
No, I think your position will be quite secure
for some years to come.
Cheers.
[upbeat funky music]
I was just talking to Axel Jacklin,
in The Colonial Club.
Apparently he's a Mason.
I see.
You're not on the square, are you?
Well, yes, most actors are.
I'm not.
Always found it quite ridiculous with the silly handshakes
and pulling up your trouser leg to the judge.
Don't knock it, Toast.
Many men have escaped from a perilous situation
by performing just such a ritual.
I remember once I played a Bond girl,
when I was in Octopussy.
You played a Bond girl?
Yes, at tennis, during a break at Pinewood.
Maude Adams, she wanted to play the full three sets.
Cubby Broccoli came over and said,
"no, you only had to play one."
He knew I was Mason, you see.
We performed the ritual
and I had the rest of the afternoon off.
What the hell are you talking about?
Mind if I watch the midday news?
[News Reporter] Axel Jacklin was well known
for his many roles in costume dramas.
No.
[News Reporter] His agent Jane Plough said
it was a terrible tragedy.
It's a terrible tragedy,
but it's common knowledge that after Axel,
you are the best high winds actor in Britain.
So I've been onto the Master and Commander chaps
and I've persuaded them that you
are the best actor to take over the role.
Well, you've certainly moved fast Jane.
Axel's only been dead 46 minutes.
There's no room for sentiment in this game, Toast.
And another thing, I presume you're in the Masons?
Well, you better join up if you're not
because the producer, Parker Pipe,
is very keen on using only Masonic actors.
What's up, Toast?
Sad about Axel?
Yeah.
Oh yes.
People die all the time though, don't they?
Actors, prime ministers, kings, queens.
Everybody's just passing through.
[eerie music]
The list of people who've died
is as long as my arms
and I have unnaturally long arms.
[Toast's fingers snapping]
Imagine if all the actors who were dead, were alive.
There'd be no jobs for the younger actors at all.
Are you all right?
[eerie music]
[Toast clapping hands]
No, we have to strike while the iron is hot.
Stay where you are, Toast.
Are you all right, Jane?
You're behaving very, very queerly.
Just stay where you are.
The bats are back.
Let me get my special swat.
What special swat?
[Jane yells]
Whoa!
Bloody bats, I hate you!
Bloody bats, I hate bats!
[dramatic rock music]
[Jane sighing]
[microphone buzzing]
Hello, this is Esther Ranson, may I order a takeaway?
[upbeat funky music]
Toast.
Davidson?
Have you been to see Jane?
What the hell is going on up there?
Should I get a doctor?
Was it the bats?
She did mention bats.
I thought so.
I'd better go up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It is a bit alarming.
The truth is, Toast, she's back on the acid.
Ah, well that would explain it.
She was definitely having some kind of bad bat trip.
How long has she been back on the acid?
A week.
Her timing is appalling.
You know, there's a surprise party for her
at The Colonial tomorrow, celebrating 40 years as an agent.
Jane really needs her friends now.
We all have to rally round.
Sorry, Davidson, I need to ask you something.
What?
Are you a Mason?
[Davidson laughs]
-Of course, yes. -Yes.
[glass shatters]
Jane?
Jane, Jane, Jane.
Steven.
I'm Parker Pipe, the producer.
Nice to meet you.
This is Chloe Hammerslag, my assistant.
Hello.
You knew Axel?
Very well indeed, old friends.
It's such a tragedy.
His very first day on set.
Yeah, he was just blown away, I believe.
Yes, yes, his luck finally ran out.
He lost his footing and just blown away.
Hit the back wall of the set at 70 miles an hour.
He told me he never wore a harness.
He never did.
Put authenticity above everything.
But the show must go on, as they say,
and Jane thoroughly recommended you.
How is Jane?
She's back on the acid.
Oh dear.
Anyway, I've got a script here.
By the way, Toast, I presume you are?
Oh yes, fully paid up and committed member.
Thanks Camilla.
Parker.
Toast.
Ray bloody Purchase.
What are you doing here?
Do you two know each other?
-Yes. -Yes.
We thought you could play the scene together
if that's okay?
God.
I didn't know you were up for this.
I didn't know you were up for this either, Toast.
You're not a Mason.
Yes I am.
Oh yes he is.
What?
There's one thing we'd just like to try out.
Chloe, could you?
Steven, Ray, would you mind
standing in front of the machine?
Of course.
All right, if I must.
That would be great.
I don't need a script Parker, I've learnt it.
We're going to start on a three setting
and then gradually bring it up to
10.
[wind machine whirring]
In your own time.
Three days out of port, Captain.
When do you think the Frenchies will show themselves?
Soon enough, Chief Surgeon.
But fear not, the wind may blow and storms may rage,
England will never fail.
Aye aye Captain.
Though it is a stiff southwesterly.
Our destiny
is to see us through the battle.
Sweet victory shall be.
[machine buzzes]
Shall be.
[Ray yells]
[Ray crashes into wall]
Okay, okay, turn off the wind Chloe.
Steven, you stood on your feet.
That's fantastic.
I'm so impressed, I think I'm gonna promote you
to the lead role of the Captain now
and demote Ray to Chief Surgeon.
Well, that would be great.
Ray Purchase is a top class, high winds actor
but you are even better.
The wind machine was up to nine.
I mean to manage nine at your first read.
Well, it's just super.
Well, I was stood at a slide angle.
It's a tip from Axel Jacklin.
Yes,
poor, poor Axel.
[Parker sobs]
Ed, I need to become a Mason immediately.
Can you pull some strings?
Who are you trying to impress?
Parker Pipe.
The producer?
The very same.
Oh, he's very high up,
partakes in some of the more exotic Masonic rituals.
I couldn't give rat shit.
Could you get me in?
I think I know someone who may be able to help you.
Really, who?
The thing is, he's an East Ender,
you'll have to travel into the East End to meet him.
Who is this Cockney cheap-jack?
Fellow by the name of Basil Jet.
I've got his number and address.
He may be able to fast track you.
Fabulous.
It'll cost you.
How much?
27 pounds, 50 pence.
Well, that's not too bad.
And for goodness sake, Toast, keep my name out of it.
All right, Ed.
The East End you say.
[gentle music]
I wonder what it's like these days.
[baby crying]
Many thanks cabbie, keep the change.
[Cabbie] Thanking you, Sir.
[people chattering]
[dog barking]
Bugger off.
Follow me love, I can suck the Thames dry.
Is that you Mrs. Purchase?
Toast, what are you doing here?
You're in the East End.
I'm looking for a chap called Basil Jet.
That's his shop, two doors down.
I must say, you're full of surprises Mrs. Purchase.
Shh, don't say my name.
Oh, yes of course.
Officer.
[door bell buzzing]
[Basil] Who are you?
What do you want?
My name's Toast.
I want to be a Mason today.
[dog barking]
You can't become a Mason just like that.
Ed Howzer-Black said I could join.
Ah, right, you got the money?
Yes.
27 pounds and 50 pence.
Yeah, well I'm a little bit busy today
to do the paperwork, so you'll have to use the app.
An app?
What there's an app you can use, to join the Masons?
Wow.
What's an app?
You ask and he'll tell you.
You download the app and I'll text you the password.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, when do I get initiated?
I'll let you know all about that.
We'll have a ceremony, bit of a booze up, finger food.
And you, Sir, you get a goodie bag.
-Ooh. -Yeah.
Great.
[door slams shut]
[door bell buzzing]
I say, what's a goodie bag?
[upbeat piano music]
Where is she?
♪ Ray ♪
♪ Ah ♪
Oh God, not you again.
Yes, it's me, Toast, Ray fucking Purchase, again.
What the hell were you talking about at that audition?
You're not a Mason.
Yes I am.
Yeah.
Jane should be here by now.
I'll try and track her down.
Yeah.
Who else is here?
Fotheringham's here.
Last time I saw him,
he was being carried off to the BBC jail.
Yeah, they let him out today.
A lot of his types have been released from the BBC jail
in return for a reduction in the licence fee.
Whoa.
Fotheringham.
[Fotheringham groans]
Didn't realise it was fancy dress.
It isn't.
Ah.
[phone ringing]
Toast.
Don't tell anyone but we're having a surprise party
for Jane at the Colonial Club.
No, you are Jane.
What?
We're here at the Colonial Club waiting.
Right?
Yeah, well get here as fast as you can.
[Toast sighs]
Everything all right, Toast?
Ah, fuck off.
[mysterious intense music]
And I said to her, what the hell is wrong?
Have I forgotten our wedding anniversary?
And she said, no, we're not actually married.
[group laughing]
What are you doing here, Blair?
How do you know each other?
Oh, we know each other.
♪ Mason ♪
Oh.
[mysterious drum music]
What?
[door slams open]
[crowd shouting surprise]
[eerie instrumental music]
[Jane hitting floor]
[crowd gasping]
I'll just go and help her.
Get everyone's attention, Toast.
Should say a few words.
Yeah.
What's going on here?
Just say a few words to welcome everybody.
[glass clinking]
Fuck.
40 years
in the business
and it doesn't seem a day too long.
When Ray Purchase told me there was gonna be
a surprise party for me,
I was of course, very, very thrilled.
So everybody just have a wonderful, wonderful time.
-Here, here. -Cheers.
[Jane groaning]
[Jane hitting floor]
[gentle instrumental music]
[Toast sighing]
Oh, how lovely.
From Torvill and Dean.
Sorry if I've been a bit out of it recently, Toast.
Thank you for visiting me.
I do hope you can stay for a while.
I'm a bit lonely here.
[phone ringing]
Toast.
Ah,
very well.
It's Parker Pipe.
I've gotta go.
Oh, don't leave me, you've just arrived.
[gentle piano music]
I get so lonely here at the Mayfair House of Addiction.
[people groaning]
Parker?
Toast.
So, you've officially got the job.
Welcome on board Captain.
This free Mason's lark is the bee's knees.
I normally celebrate with an impromptu orgy.
I'll have a slice of this.
[phone ringing]
Oh, fuck.
Basil Jet.
Is it now?
Oh.
All right.
I've gotta go Pipe.
Oh well, what a shame, never mind.
I'll see you on set.
You betcha.
Ooh.
[upbeat funky music]
Masons.
It is my duty to now begin tonight's initiation ceremony.
Is everything prepared for Junior Deacon?
Aye Grand Master.
Will the head of ceremony
please place the under brother unto the line.
♪ Mason ♪
Remove his hood and step aside.
You've got to be fucking kidding.
Toast!
What the hell are you doing here?
Are you under brother Steven Toast?
I am.
Is this your doing Ed?
Well, he seemed very keen
and he did pay his 27 pounds 50.
Oh I'm sure he did,
but come on old chap.
[Grand Master] Silence.
[drum pounding]
What the?
Right, you have one minute starting from
now.
There's a magnet,
an onion,
framed photograph of Dan and Peter Snow.
Very well.
The secret initiation ceremonies shall now commence.
[Broadcaster] Due to broadcasting constraints,
Channel four is not permitted to show certain parts
of a Masonic initiation ceremony.
[pig squealing]
I would slit my own throat
for in the eyes of God, I am nothing
but a fool
and a beggar.
[Grand Master groaning]
I would slit my own throat
for in the eyes of God, I am nothing
but a fool and a beggar.
[Grand Master groaning]
The time has now come.
Remove the brother's blindfold
that he may see the light.
[upbeat magical music]
I'm in, yes!
I
am in.
[funky bass music]
♪ Keep it on the square ♪
♪ It's a clandestine affair ♪
♪ Be silent or beware ♪
♪ Beware ♪
♪ Keep it on the square ♪
♪ It's a clandestine affair ♪
♪ Be silent or beware ♪
♪ Beware ♪
Thunder and lightning.
[thunder roaring]
Cannon fire.
[cannons firing]
Wind machine.
[wind howling]
Snow machine.
And
action.
What a battle it was.
What a storm we endured.
And victory came at a great price.
Oh, there he is.
What the fuck do you want, Ray Purchase?
What are you doing here Ray?
Cut!
Cut the wind!
You may be interested to know brother
that your big star up there only became a Mason
to get this gig.
He joined up last night.
What, is this true Toast?
What does it matter?
Of course it matters.
You have written rough shot
over ancient Masonic codes of practise.
Rough shot.
We'll recast immediately with Ray as the Captain.
Terrific.
Come on down, Toast.
I've just got up here.
Are you coming down or not?
No.
I still have my Chief Surgeon's amputation saw, Parker,
if you want?
[Parker laughing]
Get to work, brother.
[mysterious piano music]
[Ray sawing wood]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a way up.
Don't be stupid Purchase.
[Parker laughing]
Purchase!
[wood creaking]
Purchase!
[mast crashing down]
[baby crying]
Many thanks cabbie, keep the change.
[Cabbie] Thanking you, Sir.
[indistinct]
[dog barking]
[baby crying]
Mrs. Purchase.
Oh,
Toast,
here again.
Yes indeed.
I was just in the area
getting a refund for the 27.50 I paid to the Free Masons.
I'm a little early, you're not.
Come.
[Toast grunting]
Oh.
[police whistle blowing]
Turn crawler ahead!
Shit, you're for it now, Toast.
Don't you worry, Mrs. P.
Nothing to see here, officer.
Sorry brother, my mistake.
-[Toast] Yes. -Ooh.
[upbeat funky music]
♪ So take my hand, we'll disappear ♪
♪ To a pub that's not too far from here ♪
♪ Though I don't know you and you don't know me ♪
♪ I just had to talk to you, you see ♪
♪ So say you'll come, please don't go ♪
♪ You could be the one for all I know ♪