1 00:00:02,723 --> 00:00:03,323 Bleugh. 2 00:00:07,003 --> 00:00:08,363 Mumble mumble, blah. 3 00:00:10,963 --> 00:00:11,963 It's really good, Steven. 4 00:00:12,123 --> 00:00:13,923 Right? Okay. 5 00:00:14,083 --> 00:00:16,163 The bit where it says mumble, mumble, 6 00:00:16,323 --> 00:00:18,723 am I meant to mumble something in an incoherent manner? 7 00:00:18,883 --> 00:00:22,123 Or, am I meant to actually say mumble mumble? 8 00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,243 Well, what'd you do there in the last thing? 9 00:00:24,403 --> 00:00:27,643 I said the words mumble, mumble, but I mumbled them. 10 00:00:27,803 --> 00:00:29,643 Hi Steven. This is Clem Fandango. 11 00:00:29,803 --> 00:00:31,203 Can you hear me? 12 00:00:31,363 --> 00:00:32,923 Yes. I can hear you. Clem Fandango. 13 00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:34,363 We just have to phone head office 14 00:00:34,523 --> 00:00:35,323 in New York to get you clarification on this. 15 00:00:35,483 --> 00:00:37,603 Oh for God's sake. 16 00:00:37,763 --> 00:00:40,483 I'll et him know. Okay bye. 17 00:00:40,643 --> 00:00:41,283 Steven. 18 00:00:41,443 --> 00:00:42,603 Yeah. 19 00:00:42,763 --> 00:00:44,283 Say the actual words, mumble mumble. 20 00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:45,403 So you want me to say mumble mumble so it's obvious 21 00:00:45,563 --> 00:00:46,843 that's what I'm saying. 22 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:48,523 That would be great. 23 00:00:49,723 --> 00:00:50,283 Bleugh. 24 00:00:51,523 --> 00:00:53,163 Mumble, mumble, bleugh. 25 00:00:56,443 --> 00:00:57,643 It's ridiculous. 26 00:00:57,803 --> 00:00:58,603 Sorry what was that Steven? 27 00:00:58,763 --> 00:00:59,563 I said, I think it's ridiculous. 28 00:00:59,723 --> 00:01:01,643 What the fuck is this for? 29 00:01:03,203 --> 00:01:05,283 Steven? We're gonna phone New York again. 30 00:01:05,443 --> 00:01:06,803 Are you kidding? 31 00:01:12,643 --> 00:01:14,723 Steven, seems to be a bit of a disagreement 32 00:01:14,883 --> 00:01:15,883 about how to play this. 33 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,443 Yeah, I should say so. 34 00:01:17,603 --> 00:01:19,243 We're getting a differing opinion from New York. 35 00:01:19,403 --> 00:01:21,403 Okay. Well in future, why don't you speak to New York, 36 00:01:21,563 --> 00:01:23,603 find out exactly what they want from you. 37 00:01:23,763 --> 00:01:26,523 Otherwise you are just completely wasting my time. 38 00:01:26,683 --> 00:01:27,563 Yeah. Sorry. 39 00:01:27,723 --> 00:01:28,883 Sorry. Steven. 40 00:01:30,083 --> 00:01:31,723 Bloody waste of time. 41 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,123 [they laugh] 42 00:01:38,043 --> 00:01:42,203 I've forgotten my pencil. What were you laughing at? 43 00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:47,203 Just recording some laughter for a radio play. 44 00:01:47,363 --> 00:01:50,403 [Steven laughs loudly] 45 00:01:53,523 --> 00:01:55,363 Record that. 46 00:01:55,523 --> 00:01:58,883 [instrumental music plays] 47 00:02:22,163 --> 00:02:23,443 It's all done at high pressure, 48 00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:25,923 it's very intense and highly controversial. 49 00:02:26,083 --> 00:02:27,203 I suggested once to an old girlfriend 50 00:02:27,363 --> 00:02:29,083 that we try doing that. 51 00:02:29,243 --> 00:02:30,723 I thought she'd be up for absolutely anything because 52 00:02:30,883 --> 00:02:33,443 she'd been in Tipping the Velvet with Anna Chancellor. 53 00:02:33,603 --> 00:02:35,123 But when we got into the bedroom, 54 00:02:35,283 --> 00:02:38,043 her tastes proved to be disappointingly conventional. 55 00:02:38,203 --> 00:02:39,803 No, I was talking about fracking. 56 00:02:39,963 --> 00:02:41,643 What? 57 00:02:41,803 --> 00:02:45,443 Fracking. Induced hydraulic fracturing or hydro-fracturing 58 00:02:45,603 --> 00:02:47,083 commonly known as fracking. 59 00:02:47,243 --> 00:02:48,923 Oh. 60 00:02:49,083 --> 00:02:50,323 You seem to think it was something quite different. 61 00:02:50,483 --> 00:02:52,283 I must have misheard you Toast. 62 00:02:52,443 --> 00:02:54,203 Are these your crisps? 63 00:02:55,723 --> 00:02:57,443 Who's this prick. 64 00:02:57,603 --> 00:03:00,363 Old style country farm crisps have been manufactured 65 00:03:00,523 --> 00:03:04,403 on our family farm in Devon for 200 years. 66 00:03:04,563 --> 00:03:06,243 As if! 67 00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,483 Sterling Porridge is the prat's name. 68 00:03:08,643 --> 00:03:10,283 I don't think they had crisps 200 years ago. 69 00:03:10,443 --> 00:03:12,043 They didn't Ed, it's all bullshit. 70 00:03:12,203 --> 00:03:14,003 It's not very subtle or subliminal. 71 00:03:14,163 --> 00:03:15,483 It's all quite in your face. 72 00:03:15,643 --> 00:03:16,803 No one has any time these days for anything 73 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:17,843 subtle or subliminal. 74 00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:19,723 I know. 75 00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:22,363 They'd rather see people eat frogs in the jungle on ITV. 76 00:03:22,523 --> 00:03:24,323 It's the new thing. 77 00:03:24,483 --> 00:03:26,483 Big cheese determined to associate himself with his product, 78 00:03:26,643 --> 00:03:28,483 gives us a cock and ball history of his life 79 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:30,203 and sticks his own mugshot on the packet. 80 00:03:30,363 --> 00:03:33,403 He's going out with your ex-wife. 81 00:03:33,563 --> 00:03:34,323 What did you say, Ed? 82 00:03:34,483 --> 00:03:36,123 Hmm? 83 00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:37,723 You slipped something on the end of that last sentence 84 00:03:37,883 --> 00:03:40,683 which wasn't connected to the point you were making. 85 00:03:40,843 --> 00:03:42,683 I was trying to break it to you gently Toast. 86 00:03:42,843 --> 00:03:45,963 In a subliminal fashion in case you might take it badly. 87 00:03:46,123 --> 00:03:47,763 What the hell are you talking about? 88 00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,683 Your ex-wife, Ellen, is going out with a Devon crisp 89 00:03:50,843 --> 00:03:53,963 manufacturer called Sterling Porridge. 90 00:03:54,123 --> 00:03:55,243 I presume it's the same chap. 91 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,283 How the hell do you know that? 92 00:03:56,443 --> 00:03:58,163 Social diary in the Standard. 93 00:03:58,323 --> 00:04:00,683 They were at Silverstone together. 94 00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:03,563 Tell you this crisp fellow must be super, super rich. 95 00:04:03,723 --> 00:04:05,443 Super, super rich. 96 00:04:05,603 --> 00:04:07,603 Super, super, super, super. 97 00:04:07,763 --> 00:04:08,683 All right, Ed. 98 00:04:08,843 --> 00:04:11,443 [phone rings] 99 00:04:11,603 --> 00:04:12,483 Hello? 100 00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,803 Yes. Toast please. 101 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,643 It's for you Toast. 102 00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:19,363 Jane. 103 00:04:19,523 --> 00:04:21,763 I've just negotiated something rather marvellous 104 00:04:21,923 --> 00:04:26,483 for you that I guarantee is going to blow your socks off. 105 00:04:27,443 --> 00:04:28,683 Well, that's great news. 106 00:04:28,843 --> 00:04:30,323 I'll be there as quickly as I can. 107 00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:33,723 It's terribly irritating you've lost your phone Toast. 108 00:04:33,883 --> 00:04:36,843 What if a job came up or a nuclear war or something? 109 00:04:37,003 --> 00:04:38,643 I wouldn't know where you were. 110 00:04:38,803 --> 00:04:40,763 What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off? 111 00:04:40,923 --> 00:04:42,443 Anyway. You are in luck re phone. 112 00:04:42,603 --> 00:04:44,683 Those nice people at 023, 113 00:04:44,843 --> 00:04:47,243 do you remember you did a voiceover for them last month? 114 00:04:47,403 --> 00:04:48,643 Total cunts. 115 00:04:48,803 --> 00:04:50,403 What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off? 116 00:04:50,563 --> 00:04:53,003 They've given you a little bonus gift because they were so 117 00:04:53,163 --> 00:04:54,363 pleased with you. 118 00:04:55,803 --> 00:04:56,883 The 023 E 17. 119 00:04:58,763 --> 00:05:01,483 Perfect sound, amazing signal, no matter where you are. 120 00:05:01,643 --> 00:05:04,083 You could use it on the moon if you have to. 121 00:05:04,243 --> 00:05:06,523 What's this job, that's gonna blow my socks off? 122 00:05:06,683 --> 00:05:10,483 Even has, look at this, a mini fire extinguisher 123 00:05:12,803 --> 00:05:14,443 and a tiny oxygen mask. 124 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,203 That's ridiculous. 125 00:05:18,363 --> 00:05:20,203 What possible circumstance would that be of any use 126 00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:21,643 to anyone? 127 00:05:21,803 --> 00:05:23,843 What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off? 128 00:05:24,003 --> 00:05:25,483 You don't have to use them. 129 00:05:25,643 --> 00:05:27,203 Shush. 130 00:05:27,363 --> 00:05:28,963 You can take it. 131 00:05:29,123 --> 00:05:32,843 I've got some super, super news for you. 132 00:05:33,003 --> 00:05:37,083 Have you ever wanted to star in a major Hollywood film? 133 00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:42,283 Is Ray Purchase the biggest bell end in London? 134 00:05:43,923 --> 00:05:44,923 Well, of course I wanna be in a Hollywood film. 135 00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:46,803 Well, now's your chance. 136 00:05:46,963 --> 00:05:48,603 And when I tell you who your co-star is you are going to 137 00:05:48,763 --> 00:05:50,083 fall off your chair. 138 00:05:53,763 --> 00:05:55,723 Yes, I haven't told you yet Toast. 139 00:05:55,883 --> 00:05:57,243 Sorry Jane, who is it? 140 00:05:57,403 --> 00:05:58,963 Is it Daniel Day Lewis? 141 00:05:59,123 --> 00:06:02,083 No, Daniel's given up acting to build shoes again. 142 00:06:02,243 --> 00:06:03,843 Again, what an idiot. 143 00:06:04,003 --> 00:06:05,883 Well, who is it then? 144 00:06:06,043 --> 00:06:07,563 Max Gland. 145 00:06:07,723 --> 00:06:09,723 Bloody hell. Well, I know who he is. 146 00:06:09,883 --> 00:06:12,123 Yes. Even you who has the tiresome characteristic 147 00:06:12,283 --> 00:06:13,323 of saying you've never heard of anyone, 148 00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:15,123 knows who Max Gland is. 149 00:06:15,283 --> 00:06:18,323 He's over here shooting a movie, he wants you to be in it. 150 00:06:18,483 --> 00:06:19,843 What, he's asked for me personally? 151 00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:21,163 He's aware of my work? 152 00:06:21,323 --> 00:06:23,443 Of course, he selected you especially 153 00:06:23,603 --> 00:06:28,123 from the pages of the Spotlight actors directory. 154 00:06:28,283 --> 00:06:31,483 There are literally a million actors in Spotlight. 155 00:06:31,643 --> 00:06:33,443 He didn't just flick through it randomly 156 00:06:33,603 --> 00:06:35,683 and stop where his finger came to rest. 157 00:06:35,843 --> 00:06:36,683 He chose you. 158 00:06:38,683 --> 00:06:40,203 Okay. 159 00:06:40,363 --> 00:06:42,323 There are a few minor stipulations 160 00:06:42,483 --> 00:06:45,843 about working with Max Gland. Very minor. 161 00:06:46,003 --> 00:06:49,203 You are not allowed to look at him, talk to him, 162 00:06:49,363 --> 00:06:53,603 mention his name or eat or drink within two miles of him. 163 00:06:53,763 --> 00:06:55,803 Doesn't sound too unlike my last marriage. 164 00:06:55,963 --> 00:06:57,403 [Toast laughs loudly] 165 00:06:57,563 --> 00:06:59,163 It won't be a problem, 166 00:06:59,323 --> 00:07:02,043 or at least a problem that 2 million pounds won't fix. 167 00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:04,043 2 million? 168 00:07:04,203 --> 00:07:06,323 I'm going to ask them for 2 million. 169 00:07:06,483 --> 00:07:08,963 They're loaded. Hurrah for Hollywood! 170 00:07:09,123 --> 00:07:10,323 Ha! When is it? 171 00:07:10,483 --> 00:07:11,643 Tuesday. 172 00:07:11,803 --> 00:07:13,803 Shit. I've got a voiceover on Tuesday. 173 00:07:13,963 --> 00:07:14,763 They want you in the morning, 174 00:07:14,923 --> 00:07:16,083 voiceover is in the afternoon. 175 00:07:16,243 --> 00:07:18,203 So tickety boo, my money is on you. 176 00:07:18,363 --> 00:07:20,563 They'll probably send you a limousine. 177 00:07:20,723 --> 00:07:21,323 Ha ha! 178 00:07:28,563 --> 00:07:29,323 Brilliant. 179 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,203 Hi, you're Steven? 180 00:07:32,363 --> 00:07:33,483 Steven Toast. 181 00:07:33,643 --> 00:07:35,243 Is the director around? 182 00:07:35,403 --> 00:07:36,803 I'm Lindy Mayhouse, I'm the third assistant director. 183 00:07:36,963 --> 00:07:38,243 Okay. 184 00:07:38,403 --> 00:07:40,843 Here's the casket, climb in, buddy. 185 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:41,843 What? 186 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,403 You wanna climb into the casket? 187 00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:44,443 Why? 188 00:07:44,603 --> 00:07:45,363 [radio crackles] 189 00:07:45,523 --> 00:07:46,243 Yeah. The guys here. 190 00:07:46,403 --> 00:07:47,243 Yeah. Yeah. 191 00:07:47,403 --> 00:07:48,283 Just get him to the casket. 192 00:07:48,443 --> 00:07:49,323 Okay. 193 00:07:49,483 --> 00:07:51,803 Just climb into the casket dude. 194 00:07:51,963 --> 00:07:53,803 And you'll need this wig. 195 00:07:53,963 --> 00:07:55,003 Why do I need this? 196 00:07:55,163 --> 00:07:56,803 Max thought you should wear it. 197 00:07:56,963 --> 00:07:59,083 Well, shouldn't I go to costume or makeup or something? 198 00:07:59,243 --> 00:08:00,883 You just need the wig. 199 00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:02,243 We'll be on long shot. So we won't see much of your face. 200 00:08:02,403 --> 00:08:04,723 If you could just pop it on. 201 00:08:04,883 --> 00:08:05,683 Great. 202 00:08:06,923 --> 00:08:08,083 Well, does Max dig me up? 203 00:08:08,243 --> 00:08:10,203 Will I get rescued or something? 204 00:08:10,363 --> 00:08:12,323 You ask a hell of a lot of questions. 205 00:08:12,483 --> 00:08:14,243 Well I haven't even seen a script. 206 00:08:14,403 --> 00:08:16,243 Well, Max doesn't like the other actors seeing the script. 207 00:08:16,403 --> 00:08:18,243 I have no idea what my character is. 208 00:08:18,403 --> 00:08:19,603 Well, Max doesn't like the other actors knowing anything 209 00:08:19,763 --> 00:08:21,323 about the characters. 210 00:08:21,483 --> 00:08:24,163 [screaming in background] 211 00:08:24,323 --> 00:08:26,763 Yes. Roger. I just saw him run past. 212 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,803 That's Max Gland isn't it. 213 00:08:28,963 --> 00:08:32,563 Please don't look at him or say his name. 214 00:08:32,723 --> 00:08:33,403 Hey, you. 215 00:08:34,803 --> 00:08:36,363 Don't look up. Just say yes. 216 00:08:36,523 --> 00:08:37,563 Yes. 217 00:08:37,723 --> 00:08:39,003 Get me a dog. 218 00:08:40,083 --> 00:08:42,883 [Max continues to scream] 219 00:08:43,043 --> 00:08:44,963 Steven. Max wants you to get him a dog. 220 00:08:45,123 --> 00:08:46,643 What the fuck are you talking about? 221 00:08:46,803 --> 00:08:48,803 Max has been having a bit of a tough time recently. 222 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:51,043 What? He wants me to get him a dog? 223 00:08:51,203 --> 00:08:52,203 Well, why don't you do it? 224 00:08:52,363 --> 00:08:53,603 Well Max wants you to do it. 225 00:08:53,763 --> 00:08:56,363 It's a good sign, it means he likes you. 226 00:08:56,523 --> 00:08:57,603 How? 227 00:08:57,763 --> 00:09:00,163 I don't know, just borrow one. 228 00:09:04,363 --> 00:09:05,243 Fucks sake. 229 00:09:10,723 --> 00:09:11,763 There's one. 230 00:09:11,923 --> 00:09:13,203 Pull over, man. 231 00:09:15,803 --> 00:09:18,723 [upbeat music plays] 232 00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:39,323 How long will I be in here? 233 00:09:39,483 --> 00:09:40,923 Oh, not long. 234 00:09:41,083 --> 00:09:42,603 Well, how long exactly. 235 00:09:42,763 --> 00:09:45,723 I can't clarify that 'till everyone's back from lunch. 236 00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:46,683 Oh God. 237 00:09:54,843 --> 00:09:56,003 Yes. I'll tell him. 238 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,923 Hey there little pal, how's it going? 239 00:09:58,083 --> 00:09:59,683 Max, we need you back on set. 240 00:09:59,843 --> 00:10:03,363 And Roger says you have to give the dog back. 241 00:10:03,523 --> 00:10:05,123 Did you say something? 242 00:10:05,283 --> 00:10:07,323 Roger needs you on set and he says you have to stop 243 00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:08,643 playing with the dog. 244 00:10:08,803 --> 00:10:10,363 No, I'm gonna play with this dog. 245 00:10:10,523 --> 00:10:12,283 And if you don't let me do that, I'm gonna shoot the dog. 246 00:10:12,443 --> 00:10:13,963 Then shoot myself in the head. 247 00:10:14,123 --> 00:10:14,963 Roger says- 248 00:10:15,123 --> 00:10:18,003 You think I'm jerking around? 249 00:10:18,163 --> 00:10:20,483 [gunshot fires] 250 00:10:20,643 --> 00:10:23,723 [second gunshot fires] 251 00:10:25,443 --> 00:10:26,203 Roger. Hi. 252 00:10:27,843 --> 00:10:30,163 Just an update on the Max situation. 253 00:10:34,243 --> 00:10:36,683 I say, when will I be dug up? 254 00:10:37,883 --> 00:10:38,603 Wow. 255 00:10:44,923 --> 00:10:47,043 This is ridiculous. 256 00:10:47,203 --> 00:10:47,883 What? 257 00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:50,083 Jesus. 258 00:10:51,523 --> 00:10:52,203 Fuck's sake. 259 00:10:54,443 --> 00:10:57,723 [fire extinguisher blows] 260 00:11:05,643 --> 00:11:06,683 Hello? 261 00:11:06,843 --> 00:11:08,923 Jane. I've been buried alive. 262 00:11:09,083 --> 00:11:10,723 What's that Toast? I can't hear you. 263 00:11:10,883 --> 00:11:12,563 The music's quite loud here. 264 00:11:12,723 --> 00:11:14,523 I've been buried alive. 265 00:11:14,683 --> 00:11:16,123 What? Well how can that happen? 266 00:11:16,283 --> 00:11:18,123 I thought you were on that film. 267 00:11:18,283 --> 00:11:20,363 I am, I've been here for three hours. 268 00:11:20,523 --> 00:11:23,363 Something must have gone wrong above ground. 269 00:11:23,523 --> 00:11:25,203 I'm not back in the office until tomorrow. 270 00:11:25,363 --> 00:11:27,043 Can you wait till then? 271 00:11:27,203 --> 00:11:29,123 I don't really wanna spend the night buried alive 272 00:11:29,283 --> 00:11:30,523 underground Jane. 273 00:11:30,683 --> 00:11:33,843 Well I'm sure someone will come along and 274 00:11:34,003 --> 00:11:37,283 dig you up shortly. Give it another hour or two. 275 00:11:37,443 --> 00:11:39,283 I'm not gonna give it an hour or two Jane. 276 00:11:39,443 --> 00:11:40,643 I'm buried alive. 277 00:11:42,323 --> 00:11:43,043 My turn. 278 00:11:44,843 --> 00:11:45,843 Unbelievable. 279 00:11:50,563 --> 00:11:51,643 There she is. 280 00:11:55,283 --> 00:11:57,603 [phone rings] 281 00:11:59,603 --> 00:12:00,643 This is Ed Howzer-Black. 282 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:01,643 Oh God. 283 00:12:01,803 --> 00:12:02,523 Please contact my agent. 284 00:12:02,683 --> 00:12:03,363 [answerphone beeps] 285 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:04,283 Fuck you Ed. 286 00:12:04,443 --> 00:12:05,723 I'm buried alive. 287 00:12:08,763 --> 00:12:10,203 What? 288 00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:11,843 "I love you. Ellen." 289 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:15,803 What, Ellen? As in my ex-wife? 290 00:12:15,963 --> 00:12:18,323 But I haven't heard from her in ages. 291 00:12:18,483 --> 00:12:20,923 Ellen, she still loves me. 292 00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:21,843 Oh, Ellen. 293 00:12:24,523 --> 00:12:29,083 It was my wife who suggested there, we hold the wedding 294 00:12:30,723 --> 00:12:31,963 in this beautiful country of Thailand rather 295 00:12:32,123 --> 00:12:35,403 than my initial idea of Putney Registry Office. 296 00:12:37,603 --> 00:12:41,483 My parents and brother couldn't afford to be here. 297 00:12:41,643 --> 00:12:44,203 Oh, they would've enjoyed this occasion, especially 298 00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:46,483 my father who I know would've taken full advantage 299 00:12:46,643 --> 00:12:47,803 of the free bar. 300 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,243 I mean, what alcoholic wouldn't take advantage 301 00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:52,323 of a free bar. 302 00:12:55,283 --> 00:12:56,043 Yes. 303 00:12:59,003 --> 00:13:02,723 Hey, you're Clem Fandango aren't you? 304 00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,083 Yes, I'm Clem Fandango. 305 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,163 I'm Ellen. I'm getting married to Toast, 306 00:13:07,323 --> 00:13:08,283 here on the beach. 307 00:13:08,443 --> 00:13:10,203 Not Steven Toast? 308 00:13:10,363 --> 00:13:11,803 Uh huh. I assume you're not invited. 309 00:13:11,963 --> 00:13:14,243 He fucking hates you. 310 00:13:14,403 --> 00:13:16,643 No, it's a total coincidence that I'm here. 311 00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:19,003 Oh. Would you like a drink? 312 00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:26,603 Like any actor, I've suffered setbacks. 313 00:13:26,763 --> 00:13:30,203 Many, many, many people have fucked me over. 314 00:13:31,123 --> 00:13:32,283 So bear with me. 315 00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:34,763 Tom Conti. 316 00:13:35,723 --> 00:13:37,083 Tim Pigott-Smith 317 00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:39,803 Colin Firth. Oh yes. 318 00:13:41,043 --> 00:13:42,843 Hugh Bonneville. 319 00:13:43,003 --> 00:13:44,083 Nigel Havers. 320 00:13:45,843 --> 00:13:47,723 Michael Fassbender. 321 00:13:47,883 --> 00:13:49,043 Patrick Stewart. 322 00:13:50,683 --> 00:13:52,163 Chaz Monet. 323 00:13:52,323 --> 00:13:53,283 Charles Dance. 324 00:13:55,603 --> 00:13:57,003 The staff at TV am. 325 00:13:58,043 --> 00:13:59,123 Trevor E. 326 00:13:59,283 --> 00:14:00,443 Oh oh oh. 327 00:14:00,603 --> 00:14:02,203 Noel Edmonds. 328 00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:03,803 Martin Shaw 329 00:14:03,963 --> 00:14:05,683 Every man, jack of them. 330 00:14:08,443 --> 00:14:12,003 But on this glorious day, on the beach front 331 00:14:12,163 --> 00:14:14,163 surrounded by friends, 332 00:14:14,323 --> 00:14:17,243 and my beautiful, almost virginal wife. 333 00:14:20,123 --> 00:14:24,083 I really think things are looking up for Steven Toast. 334 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,803 [guests scream] 335 00:14:32,923 --> 00:14:35,203 Lovely, lovely Ellen. 336 00:14:35,363 --> 00:14:39,363 Even a tsunami on our wedding day couldn't destroy our love. 337 00:14:39,523 --> 00:14:42,083 [phone rings] 338 00:14:42,243 --> 00:14:43,683 Hi Steven. This is Clem Fandango. 339 00:14:43,843 --> 00:14:45,283 Can you hear me? 340 00:14:45,443 --> 00:14:47,083 Yes. I can hear you. Clem Fandango, 341 00:14:47,243 --> 00:14:49,483 even though I'm buried alive in a fucking coffin. 342 00:14:49,643 --> 00:14:50,963 What's that Steven? 343 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:53,763 I'm in a coffin which is buried underground. 344 00:14:53,923 --> 00:14:57,763 He says he's in a coffin, which is buried underground. 345 00:14:57,923 --> 00:15:00,083 Steven. I'm expecting you in for a voiceover. 346 00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:02,363 I've got Sterling, the client here. 347 00:15:02,523 --> 00:15:03,603 Clem says you're buried in a coffin underground. 348 00:15:03,763 --> 00:15:04,843 That's right. 349 00:15:05,003 --> 00:15:06,523 That's a very clear line. 350 00:15:06,683 --> 00:15:07,563 You don't sound like you're buried underground. 351 00:15:07,723 --> 00:15:08,883 Oh, I'm buried underground all right. 352 00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:11,723 You using the new 023 E 17? 353 00:15:11,883 --> 00:15:12,923 I've got one of those they're mega 354 00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:14,323 Who gives a shit. 355 00:15:14,483 --> 00:15:15,603 I think you'll probably be alright 356 00:15:15,763 --> 00:15:16,963 to do the voiceover from there, so 357 00:15:17,123 --> 00:15:19,523 I'm just gonna put you on speakerphone. 358 00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:24,443 There you are, do you have the script? 359 00:15:24,603 --> 00:15:26,323 It shouldn't take too long. I've got a rehearsal. 360 00:15:26,483 --> 00:15:28,443 I'm one of the torch relay carriers 361 00:15:28,603 --> 00:15:30,923 for the Commonwealth games. 362 00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:33,203 The Commonwealth games, who gives a monkeys about that? 363 00:15:33,363 --> 00:15:34,763 Do you have the script, Steven? 364 00:15:34,923 --> 00:15:36,243 I got Sterling, the client here. 365 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:37,803 We're old mates. Actually. 366 00:15:37,963 --> 00:15:40,363 He just wants a few words before we begin. 367 00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:43,083 All I need you to do is say exactly what it says 368 00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,923 in the scripts. Don't mess with it or change any 369 00:15:46,083 --> 00:15:48,123 of the words. 370 00:15:48,283 --> 00:15:50,243 And I'm not too fucking impressed that you're buried 371 00:15:50,403 --> 00:15:53,163 in a coffin instead of being here. 372 00:15:53,323 --> 00:15:54,363 Is there anything wrong with your voice? 373 00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:56,203 You sound like a robot. 374 00:15:56,363 --> 00:15:59,443 There's nothing wrong with my fucking voice matey boy, 375 00:15:59,603 --> 00:16:02,643 just do your job. That's what you're getting paid for. 376 00:16:02,803 --> 00:16:04,403 All right. 377 00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:05,123 Good God. 378 00:16:07,243 --> 00:16:11,043 Old style country farm crisps have been manufactured 379 00:16:11,203 --> 00:16:13,883 on our family farm in Devon using techniques 380 00:16:14,043 --> 00:16:15,763 dating back 200 years. 381 00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:19,323 Are you putting on an accent? 382 00:16:19,483 --> 00:16:20,723 No. 383 00:16:20,883 --> 00:16:21,723 You'd better not be putting on some 384 00:16:21,883 --> 00:16:23,843 country bumpkin accent. 385 00:16:24,003 --> 00:16:25,683 Just because I'm from Devon, doesn't mean 386 00:16:25,843 --> 00:16:28,963 I'm a member of the fucking Worzel's. 387 00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:30,403 No, I wasn't. 388 00:16:30,563 --> 00:16:33,083 Stop interrupting. Just do your job you cunt. 389 00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:34,523 I was- 390 00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:37,403 Just read what it says on the script. 391 00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:38,363 Only. 392 00:16:39,403 --> 00:16:40,443 Come on. 393 00:16:40,603 --> 00:16:43,003 Only the finest quality crisps. 394 00:16:43,163 --> 00:16:44,523 Just read what it says on the script. 395 00:16:44,683 --> 00:16:46,483 I'm running out of oxygen. 396 00:16:46,643 --> 00:16:49,043 I'm in a coffin, give me a second. 397 00:16:53,843 --> 00:16:55,123 How you doing there Steven? 398 00:16:55,283 --> 00:16:58,243 I'm all right. I've just used a tiny oxygen mask. 399 00:16:58,403 --> 00:17:00,323 That's great. Should we crack on? 400 00:17:00,483 --> 00:17:01,763 All right. 401 00:17:01,923 --> 00:17:05,523 Only the finest quality potatoes are chosen. 402 00:17:05,683 --> 00:17:07,603 That's why Porridge- 403 00:17:07,763 --> 00:17:09,603 Hold on a second. 404 00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:12,523 You're that prick that's been fucking my ex-wife Ellen. 405 00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:13,723 No I didn't. 406 00:17:13,883 --> 00:17:15,443 Not you Clem Fandango. 407 00:17:15,603 --> 00:17:17,083 Porridge. 408 00:17:17,243 --> 00:17:19,643 That's funny. She never mentioned you. 409 00:17:19,803 --> 00:17:22,283 She still loves me. She's just sent me a text. 410 00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:23,643 Well, she never mentioned you to me. 411 00:17:23,803 --> 00:17:25,883 Not even once. 412 00:17:26,043 --> 00:17:27,643 Hey Steven. Well, that went really well. 413 00:17:27,803 --> 00:17:29,803 All very happy with that, so I think we are done. 414 00:17:29,963 --> 00:17:30,883 We will see you again soon yeah. 415 00:17:31,043 --> 00:17:32,403 I've been buried alive. 416 00:17:32,563 --> 00:17:34,483 Can you call the fire brigade or someone? 417 00:17:34,643 --> 00:17:35,723 Yeah. Thank you Steven. 418 00:17:35,883 --> 00:17:36,683 I'm buried alive. 419 00:17:36,843 --> 00:17:38,163 Thank you Steven. 420 00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:41,163 And I'm going to marry Ellen next week. 421 00:17:41,323 --> 00:17:43,243 Over my dead body. 422 00:17:43,403 --> 00:17:45,243 I gotta get out of here. 423 00:17:45,403 --> 00:17:47,963 I'll phone the emergency services myself. 424 00:17:48,123 --> 00:17:48,923 Oh, no. 425 00:17:52,083 --> 00:17:53,003 Nine, nine. 426 00:17:57,883 --> 00:18:02,243 ♪ Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low ♪ 427 00:18:06,843 --> 00:18:09,083 I'm the most unlucky guy. 428 00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:10,563 Never felt so low. 429 00:18:11,843 --> 00:18:13,923 Tears will never dry, oh no. 430 00:18:16,203 --> 00:18:18,243 He's the most unlucky guy. 431 00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:20,803 He's never felt so low. 432 00:18:20,963 --> 00:18:23,363 His tears will never dry. 433 00:18:23,523 --> 00:18:24,923 Low, low, low, low. 434 00:18:38,163 --> 00:18:40,763 Muscle scream, must preserve oxygen, 435 00:18:40,923 --> 00:18:42,203 but I can't breathe. 436 00:18:42,363 --> 00:18:43,523 I can't breathe. 437 00:18:46,803 --> 00:18:49,523 [mechanical sounds] 438 00:18:53,643 --> 00:18:56,123 [Steven screams] 439 00:18:59,283 --> 00:19:00,923 I'm saved. I'm saved. 440 00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:08,643 Steven. 441 00:19:08,803 --> 00:19:10,243 You managed to get out then, from being buried alive 442 00:19:10,403 --> 00:19:11,883 in that coffin. 443 00:19:12,043 --> 00:19:14,163 I was saved due to fracking on the exact spot. 444 00:19:14,323 --> 00:19:15,803 Where's Sterling Porridge. 445 00:19:15,963 --> 00:19:19,283 I'm Porridge, what the fucks it got to do with you? 446 00:19:19,443 --> 00:19:21,283 Well, he looks nothing like the man on the crisp packets. 447 00:19:21,443 --> 00:19:23,083 Oh, I'm him all right. 448 00:19:23,243 --> 00:19:26,363 And I'm getting married to Ellen, so screw you. 449 00:19:26,523 --> 00:19:28,523 Really, give me that bat. 450 00:19:37,923 --> 00:19:41,203 [melancholy music plays] 451 00:20:15,483 --> 00:20:16,043 Ouch. 452 00:20:20,843 --> 00:20:21,963 What's up Steven? 453 00:20:22,123 --> 00:20:24,163 It's from Ellen. 454 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:28,123 "Soz. That last message was meant for someone else." 455 00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:34,523 She probably meant to send it to Sterling. 456 00:20:34,683 --> 00:20:35,963 Probably. Yeah. 457 00:20:37,283 --> 00:20:38,243 Excuse that. 458 00:20:44,763 --> 00:20:46,123 It's not even him you know. 459 00:20:46,283 --> 00:20:48,483 It's some other farmer. 460 00:20:48,643 --> 00:20:52,163 Still good news about the fracking, eh? 461 00:20:52,323 --> 00:20:53,283 Very lucky. 462 00:20:53,443 --> 00:20:54,683 Damn lucky. 463 00:20:54,843 --> 00:20:56,643 They started drilling at six in the morning to 464 00:20:56,803 --> 00:20:59,083 avoid the protestors and the doctor reckoned 465 00:20:59,243 --> 00:21:02,163 I only had another 10 seconds worth of oxygen left. 466 00:21:02,323 --> 00:21:05,363 10 seconds? That's cutting it pretty fine. 467 00:21:05,523 --> 00:21:07,723 So, Porridge is still going to marry Ellen, 468 00:21:07,883 --> 00:21:09,123 I presume. 469 00:21:09,283 --> 00:21:11,083 Once he's recovered from his injuries 470 00:21:11,243 --> 00:21:13,283 This is a big blow for me Ed. 471 00:21:13,443 --> 00:21:16,803 It's gonna take me a while to get over it. 472 00:21:16,963 --> 00:21:19,123 [melancholy music plays] 473 00:21:19,283 --> 00:21:21,883 It's been two months now Toast. 474 00:21:23,363 --> 00:21:25,883 God. I hate Sterling Porridge. 475 00:21:29,443 --> 00:21:31,243 You're just gonna have to get over it. 476 00:21:31,403 --> 00:21:33,723 Well, I suppose you're right Ed. 477 00:21:33,883 --> 00:21:35,683 You're only feeling bad because you gave a man 478 00:21:35,843 --> 00:21:38,683 in a wheelchair a severe thrashing with a baseball bat. 479 00:21:38,843 --> 00:21:40,043 I don't regret that Ed, 480 00:21:40,203 --> 00:21:42,963 any man in my position would've done the same. 481 00:21:43,123 --> 00:21:44,243 I just can't stomach the fact 482 00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:47,563 that he's still going to marry Ellen. 483 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:51,603 Look Toast. You gotta get out into the world again. 484 00:21:51,763 --> 00:21:54,403 Think positive, do something useful. 485 00:21:57,043 --> 00:21:59,603 Now, what could you do? 486 00:21:59,763 --> 00:22:01,683 Well, actually there is something else that's been playing 487 00:22:01,843 --> 00:22:03,123 on my mind. 488 00:22:03,283 --> 00:22:04,523 What? 489 00:22:04,683 --> 00:22:08,203 I did a great wrong that I'd like to put right. 490 00:22:12,203 --> 00:22:13,003 Sorry. 491 00:22:16,843 --> 00:22:18,843 This is for you. 492 00:22:19,003 --> 00:22:21,203 Your dog was shot I'm afraid. 493 00:22:22,563 --> 00:22:24,923 [child cries] 494 00:22:39,403 --> 00:22:41,403 ♪ So take my hand, ♪ 495 00:22:41,563 --> 00:22:42,963 we'll disappear. 496 00:22:43,123 --> 00:22:45,963 To a pub that's not too far from here. 497 00:22:47,563 --> 00:22:51,003 Though I don't know you and you don't know me, 498 00:22:51,163 --> 00:22:53,683 I just had to talk to you, you see. 499 00:22:55,483 --> 00:22:58,883 So say you'll come, please don't go 500 00:22:59,043 --> 00:23:01,683 you could be the one for all I know. 501 00:23:03,283 --> 00:23:06,603 Though I don't know you and you don't know me.