Bleugh.
Mumble mumble, blah.
It's really good, Steven.
Right? Okay.
The bit where it says mumble, mumble,
am I meant to mumble something in an incoherent manner?
Or, am I meant to actually say mumble mumble?
Well, what'd you do there in the last thing?
I said the words mumble, mumble, but I mumbled them.
Hi Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
Yes. I can hear you. Clem Fandango.
We just have to phone head office
in New York to get you clarification on this.
Oh for God's sake.
I'll et him know. Okay bye.
Steven.
Yeah.
Say the actual words, mumble mumble.
So you want me to say mumble mumble so it's obvious
that's what I'm saying.
That would be great.
Bleugh.
Mumble, mumble, bleugh.
It's ridiculous.
Sorry what was that Steven?
I said, I think it's ridiculous.
What the fuck is this for?
Steven? We're gonna phone New York again.
Are you kidding?
Steven, seems to be a bit of a disagreement
about how to play this.
Yeah, I should say so.
We're getting a differing opinion from New York.
Okay. Well in future, why don't you speak to New York,
find out exactly what they want from you.
Otherwise you are just completely wasting my time.
Yeah. Sorry.
Sorry. Steven.
Bloody waste of time.
[they laugh]
I've forgotten my pencil. What were you laughing at?
Just recording some laughter for a radio play.
[Steven laughs loudly]
Record that.
[instrumental music plays]
It's all done at high pressure,
it's very intense and highly controversial.
I suggested once to an old girlfriend
that we try doing that.
I thought she'd be up for absolutely anything because
she'd been in Tipping the Velvet with Anna Chancellor.
But when we got into the bedroom,
her tastes proved to be disappointingly conventional.
No, I was talking about fracking.
What?
Fracking. Induced hydraulic fracturing or hydro-fracturing
commonly known as fracking.
Oh.
You seem to think it was something quite different.
I must have misheard you Toast.
Are these your crisps?
Who's this prick.
Old style country farm crisps have been manufactured
on our family farm in Devon for 200 years.
As if!
Sterling Porridge is the prat's name.
I don't think they had crisps 200 years ago.
They didn't Ed, it's all bullshit.
It's not very subtle or subliminal.
It's all quite in your face.
No one has any time these days for anything
subtle or subliminal.
I know.
They'd rather see people eat frogs in the jungle on ITV.
It's the new thing.
Big cheese determined to associate himself with his product,
gives us a cock and ball history of his life
and sticks his own mugshot on the packet.
He's going out with your ex-wife.
What did you say, Ed?
Hmm?
You slipped something on the end of that last sentence
which wasn't connected to the point you were making.
I was trying to break it to you gently Toast.
In a subliminal fashion in case you might take it badly.
What the hell are you talking about?
Your ex-wife, Ellen, is going out with a Devon crisp
manufacturer called Sterling Porridge.
I presume it's the same chap.
How the hell do you know that?
Social diary in the Standard.
They were at Silverstone together.
Tell you this crisp fellow must be super, super rich.
Super, super rich.
Super, super, super, super.
All right, Ed.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Yes. Toast please.
It's for you Toast.
Jane.
I've just negotiated something rather marvellous
for you that I guarantee is going to blow your socks off.
Well, that's great news.
I'll be there as quickly as I can.
It's terribly irritating you've lost your phone Toast.
What if a job came up or a nuclear war or something?
I wouldn't know where you were.
What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off?
Anyway. You are in luck re phone.
Those nice people at 023,
do you remember you did a voiceover for them last month?
Total cunts.
What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off?
They've given you a little bonus gift because they were so
pleased with you.
The 023 E 17.
Perfect sound, amazing signal, no matter where you are.
You could use it on the moon if you have to.
What's this job, that's gonna blow my socks off?
Even has, look at this, a mini fire extinguisher
and a tiny oxygen mask.
That's ridiculous.
What possible circumstance would that be of any use
to anyone?
What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off?
You don't have to use them.
Shush.
You can take it.
I've got some super, super news for you.
Have you ever wanted to star in a major Hollywood film?
Is Ray Purchase the biggest bell end in London?
Well, of course I wanna be in a Hollywood film.
Well, now's your chance.
And when I tell you who your co-star is you are going to
fall off your chair.
Yes, I haven't told you yet Toast.
Sorry Jane, who is it?
Is it Daniel Day Lewis?
No, Daniel's given up acting to build shoes again.
Again, what an idiot.
Well, who is it then?
Max Gland.
Bloody hell. Well, I know who he is.
Yes. Even you who has the tiresome characteristic
of saying you've never heard of anyone,
knows who Max Gland is.
He's over here shooting a movie, he wants you to be in it.
What, he's asked for me personally?
He's aware of my work?
Of course, he selected you especially
from the pages of the Spotlight actors directory.
There are literally a million actors in Spotlight.
He didn't just flick through it randomly
and stop where his finger came to rest.
He chose you.
Okay.
There are a few minor stipulations
about working with Max Gland. Very minor.
You are not allowed to look at him, talk to him,
mention his name or eat or drink within two miles of him.
Doesn't sound too unlike my last marriage.
[Toast laughs loudly]
It won't be a problem,
or at least a problem that 2 million pounds won't fix.
2 million?
I'm going to ask them for 2 million.
They're loaded. Hurrah for Hollywood!
Ha! When is it?
Tuesday.
Shit. I've got a voiceover on Tuesday.
They want you in the morning,
voiceover is in the afternoon.
So tickety boo, my money is on you.
They'll probably send you a limousine.
Ha ha!
Brilliant.
Hi, you're Steven?
Steven Toast.
Is the director around?
I'm Lindy Mayhouse, I'm the third assistant director.
Okay.
Here's the casket, climb in, buddy.
What?
You wanna climb into the casket?
Why?
[radio crackles]
Yeah. The guys here.
Yeah. Yeah.
Just get him to the casket.
Okay.
Just climb into the casket dude.
And you'll need this wig.
Why do I need this?
Max thought you should wear it.
Well, shouldn't I go to costume or makeup or something?
You just need the wig.
We'll be on long shot. So we won't see much of your face.
If you could just pop it on.
Great.
Well, does Max dig me up?
Will I get rescued or something?
You ask a hell of a lot of questions.
Well I haven't even seen a script.
Well, Max doesn't like the other actors seeing the script.
I have no idea what my character is.
Well, Max doesn't like the other actors knowing anything
about the characters.
[screaming in background]
Yes. Roger. I just saw him run past.
That's Max Gland isn't it.
Please don't look at him or say his name.
Hey, you.
Don't look up. Just say yes.
Yes.
Get me a dog.
[Max continues to scream]
Steven. Max wants you to get him a dog.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Max has been having a bit of a tough time recently.
What? He wants me to get him a dog?
Well, why don't you do it?
Well Max wants you to do it.
It's a good sign, it means he likes you.
How?
I don't know, just borrow one.
Fucks sake.
There's one.
Pull over, man.
[upbeat music plays]
How long will I be in here?
Oh, not long.
Well, how long exactly.
I can't clarify that 'till everyone's back from lunch.
Oh God.
Yes. I'll tell him.
Hey there little pal, how's it going?
Max, we need you back on set.
And Roger says you have to give the dog back.
Did you say something?
Roger needs you on set and he says you have to stop
playing with the dog.
No, I'm gonna play with this dog.
And if you don't let me do that, I'm gonna shoot the dog.
Then shoot myself in the head.
Roger says-
You think I'm jerking around?
[gunshot fires]
[second gunshot fires]
Roger. Hi.
Just an update on the Max situation.
I say, when will I be dug up?
Wow.
This is ridiculous.
What?
Jesus.
Fuck's sake.
[fire extinguisher blows]
Hello?
Jane. I've been buried alive.
What's that Toast? I can't hear you.
The music's quite loud here.
I've been buried alive.
What? Well how can that happen?
I thought you were on that film.
I am, I've been here for three hours.
Something must have gone wrong above ground.
I'm not back in the office until tomorrow.
Can you wait till then?
I don't really wanna spend the night buried alive
underground Jane.
Well I'm sure someone will come along and
dig you up shortly. Give it another hour or two.
I'm not gonna give it an hour or two Jane.
I'm buried alive.
My turn.
Unbelievable.
There she is.
[phone rings]
This is Ed Howzer-Black.
Oh God.
Please contact my agent.
[answerphone beeps]
Fuck you Ed.
I'm buried alive.
What?
"I love you. Ellen."
What, Ellen? As in my ex-wife?
But I haven't heard from her in ages.
Ellen, she still loves me.
Oh, Ellen.
It was my wife who suggested there, we hold the wedding
in this beautiful country of Thailand rather
than my initial idea of Putney Registry Office.
My parents and brother couldn't afford to be here.
Oh, they would've enjoyed this occasion, especially
my father who I know would've taken full advantage
of the free bar.
I mean, what alcoholic wouldn't take advantage
of a free bar.
Yes.
Hey, you're Clem Fandango aren't you?
Yes, I'm Clem Fandango.
I'm Ellen. I'm getting married to Toast,
here on the beach.
Not Steven Toast?
Uh huh. I assume you're not invited.
He fucking hates you.
No, it's a total coincidence that I'm here.
Oh. Would you like a drink?
Like any actor, I've suffered setbacks.
Many, many, many people have fucked me over.
So bear with me.
Tom Conti.
Tim Pigott-Smith
Colin Firth. Oh yes.
Hugh Bonneville.
Nigel Havers.
Michael Fassbender.
Patrick Stewart.
Chaz Monet.
Charles Dance.
The staff at TV am.
Trevor E.
Oh oh oh.
Noel Edmonds.
Martin Shaw
Every man, jack of them.
But on this glorious day, on the beach front
surrounded by friends,
and my beautiful, almost virginal wife.
I really think things are looking up for Steven Toast.
[guests scream]
Lovely, lovely Ellen.
Even a tsunami on our wedding day couldn't destroy our love.
[phone rings]
Hi Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
Yes. I can hear you. Clem Fandango,
even though I'm buried alive in a fucking coffin.
What's that Steven?
I'm in a coffin which is buried underground.
He says he's in a coffin, which is buried underground.
Steven. I'm expecting you in for a voiceover.
I've got Sterling, the client here.
Clem says you're buried in a coffin underground.
That's right.
That's a very clear line.
You don't sound like you're buried underground.
Oh, I'm buried underground all right.
You using the new 023 E 17?
I've got one of those they're mega
Who gives a shit.
I think you'll probably be alright
to do the voiceover from there, so
I'm just gonna put you on speakerphone.
There you are, do you have the script?
It shouldn't take too long. I've got a rehearsal.
I'm one of the torch relay carriers
for the Commonwealth games.
The Commonwealth games, who gives a monkeys about that?
Do you have the script, Steven?
I got Sterling, the client here.
We're old mates. Actually.
He just wants a few words before we begin.
All I need you to do is say exactly what it says
in the scripts. Don't mess with it or change any
of the words.
And I'm not too fucking impressed that you're buried
in a coffin instead of being here.
Is there anything wrong with your voice?
You sound like a robot.
There's nothing wrong with my fucking voice matey boy,
just do your job. That's what you're getting paid for.
All right.
Good God.
Old style country farm crisps have been manufactured
on our family farm in Devon using techniques
dating back 200 years.
Are you putting on an accent?
No.
You'd better not be putting on some
country bumpkin accent.
Just because I'm from Devon, doesn't mean
I'm a member of the fucking Worzel's.
No, I wasn't.
Stop interrupting. Just do your job you cunt.
I was-
Just read what it says on the script.
Only.
Come on.
Only the finest quality crisps.
Just read what it says on the script.
I'm running out of oxygen.
I'm in a coffin, give me a second.
How you doing there Steven?
I'm all right. I've just used a tiny oxygen mask.
That's great. Should we crack on?
All right.
Only the finest quality potatoes are chosen.
That's why Porridge-
Hold on a second.
You're that prick that's been fucking my ex-wife Ellen.
No I didn't.
Not you Clem Fandango.
Porridge.
That's funny. She never mentioned you.
She still loves me. She's just sent me a text.
Well, she never mentioned you to me.
Not even once.
Hey Steven. Well, that went really well.
All very happy with that, so I think we are done.
We will see you again soon yeah.
I've been buried alive.
Can you call the fire brigade or someone?
Yeah. Thank you Steven.
I'm buried alive.
Thank you Steven.
And I'm going to marry Ellen next week.
Over my dead body.
I gotta get out of here.
I'll phone the emergency services myself.
Oh, no.
Nine, nine.
♪ Low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low ♪
I'm the most unlucky guy.
Never felt so low.
Tears will never dry, oh no.
He's the most unlucky guy.
He's never felt so low.
His tears will never dry.
Low, low, low, low.
Muscle scream, must preserve oxygen,
but I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
[mechanical sounds]
[Steven screams]
I'm saved. I'm saved.
Steven.
You managed to get out then, from being buried alive
in that coffin.
I was saved due to fracking on the exact spot.
Where's Sterling Porridge.
I'm Porridge, what the fucks it got to do with you?
Well, he looks nothing like the man on the crisp packets.
Oh, I'm him all right.
And I'm getting married to Ellen, so screw you.
Really, give me that bat.
[melancholy music plays]
Ouch.
What's up Steven?
It's from Ellen.
"Soz. That last message was meant for someone else."
She probably meant to send it to Sterling.
Probably. Yeah.
Excuse that.
It's not even him you know.
It's some other farmer.
Still good news about the fracking, eh?
Very lucky.
Damn lucky.
They started drilling at six in the morning to
avoid the protestors and the doctor reckoned
I only had another 10 seconds worth of oxygen left.
10 seconds? That's cutting it pretty fine.
So, Porridge is still going to marry Ellen,
I presume.
Once he's recovered from his injuries
This is a big blow for me Ed.
It's gonna take me a while to get over it.
[melancholy music plays]
It's been two months now Toast.
God. I hate Sterling Porridge.
You're just gonna have to get over it.
Well, I suppose you're right Ed.
You're only feeling bad because you gave a man
in a wheelchair a severe thrashing with a baseball bat.
I don't regret that Ed,
any man in my position would've done the same.
I just can't stomach the fact
that he's still going to marry Ellen.
Look Toast. You gotta get out into the world again.
Think positive, do something useful.
Now, what could you do?
Well, actually there is something else that's been playing
on my mind.
What?
I did a great wrong that I'd like to put right.
Sorry.
This is for you.
Your dog was shot I'm afraid.
[child cries]
♪ So take my hand, ♪
we'll disappear.
To a pub that's not too far from here.
Though I don't know you and you don't know me,
I just had to talk to you, you see.
So say you'll come, please don't go
you could be the one for all I know.
Though I don't know you and you don't know me.