[chimes twinkling melodically]
-Fa! Fa! Fa! -Hmm, yeah,
how much did that cost?
-300. -Nice!
Is that yours?
-Yeah. -[blade scraping]
-Got it on eBay. 75. -Gigantic.
Looking at your knives?
-Hey, Colin. -Hi, Colin.
-[blade scraping] -I've got a nice one.
-Wow, it's a Ghurkha. -Ooh. [chuckling]
It's a vintage, look at the notches on that.
Seen some action, this one has.
[they laugh]
Right, are we ready to go?
Oh, he's not here yet, is he?
Er, who do you mean?
[chuckling] Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I told that prick to make sure
he was here at eight sharp.
Should I give Ray Purchase a call?
Good idea.
Bingo!
Been trying to pick this pencil up in my mouth
for the last 15 minutes.
Are we good to go?
-[talkback button clicks] -Hi, Steven.
This is Clem H Fandango.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can...
Whoa, did you just say "Clem H Fandango"?
So you've added an H to your name?
You don't think you were enough of a prat already?
It was Equity's idea, actually.
They told me to change my name
as there's another actor
already apparently called Clem Fandango.
Yeah, but you're not an actor.
Sorry, Steven, we're gonna have to get this done quickly.
Colin needs to edit everything by midday.
You all right, buddy?
I'm Colin Skittles from Swing Out Spritzer.
Now there's a certain way we'd like you to perform the VO.
If you like, buddy,
I can run through it first as a guide.
Well, go on, then.
Brill.
Hey, guys!
Don't lose your cool this summer.
Be as cool as ice,
and enjoy a tall glass of Tawny Owl Ice Tea.
Ter-wit, ter-woo!
Hey, guys!
Don't lose your cool this summer.
Be as cool as ice
and enjoy a tall glass of Tawny Owl Ice Tea.
Ter-wit, ter-woo!
All right, buddy?
["Take My Hand" by Matt Berry]
[melancholic music continues]
Brigadoon.
Really?
I can't remember the last musical I saw.
Cats?
Cats!
Yes, on Drury Lane.
And if I recall, I was so drunk
I collapsed in my seat whilst sitting down.
Well, at least you didn't get up and join in
like Michael Barrymore used to!
He did, didn't he? [laughs dramatically]
Talking of theatres, if I were you, Toast,
I'd avoid going past the Garrick for a week or two.
Is Ray Purchase dropping his slacks again?
No, they're putting on a production of The Graduate.
That, erm, ex of yours is playing the lead.
Who? Maggie Philbin?
Lorna Wynde.
[wistful music]
Lorna Wynde?
Lorna Wynde.
I always thought she was quite pretty
in that over-the-top American way.
You did that awful daytime soap together in LA.
She had that thing,
do you remember, on close-ups?
She went all cross-eyed whenever her face
came within three feet of a camera.
Really affected her career in television.
That's why she's doing theatre these days.
Lorna Wynde.
Please, Jane.
Lorna Wynde!
She promised to move back to London with you,
but she didn't show up at the airport.
You were so heartbroken
you couldn't speak for three weeks.
You were in a terrible state.
You cried so hard
you followed through in Oddbins.
All right, Jane!
Please!
Please stop saying...
Lorna Wynde.
Stop saying Lorna Wynde.
-Lorna Wynde. -Yes!
More importantly, where are we going for lunch?
We'll have to get a wriggle on.
I'm off to Scotland to visit Tilda Swinton.
Ha! Tilda.
Mad as a bag of monkeys,
but tremendous fun.
I'm sorry, Jane,
I've suddenly lost my appetite.
I'd rather go home, if it's all the same with you.
[blade clanks]
Careful, Toast.
[sombre rock music]
The second Jane said she was back in town,
-I felt physically sick. -[blade sharpener scraping]
Like I was right there, back at the airport.
Right.
The anguish pulls hard on one, Ed.
Like an anchor made of white gold.
-Mm. -My stomach feels like lead.
-I've not eaten all day. -[blade sharpener scraping]
Not even been able to go to the toilet,
which as you know, is very unlike me.
-[blade sharpener scraping] -[Ed clears throat aloofly]
Thanks for the sympathetic ear.
Does a chap good to unload,
as it were.
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
What the hell's with the knives?
Jane was waving one of those around earlier,
and those clowns in the studio.
Oh, everyone has knives these days.
Ever since those Tottenham riots.
People need to protect themselves and their property.
Well, I haven't got one.
Well, maybe you should get one.
Oh, by the way, Toast,
I need to talk to you about something.
We're going to have a guest staying here.
Who? Peter Powell?
-No, my niece, Honeysuckle. -Ugh.
She hasn't been feeling herself lately, poor thing.
Her mum reckons she's got a gluten allergy.
Anyway, she's come down to London
-to visit a homoeopath. -[Toast scoffs]
She's going to need somewhere to stay.
What the hell is a homoeopath?
Someone who specialises in alternative medicine.
Ooh, what, like, a witch doctor?
Yeah, I'm pretty sceptical myself
about this whole homoeopathy lark.
Anyway, she's tried everything else, poor dear,
and it hasn't worked.
Anyway, she's going to need to sleep in your bedroom.
Well, where the hell am I gonna go?
Well, presumably on the sofa here.
Is there a sofa here?
-Yeah. -[Toast scoffs]
[bright music]
[belt creaking]
-There she is. -[knocking on door]
-Sorry, Toast. -[Toast exclaims]
Just showing Honeysuckle her room.
Steven Toast, my niece Honeysuckle.
-Hello. -Fuck off and die!
[sinister music]
I beg your pardon?
[chuckling] Apologies, Toast.
It's the allergy.
Honeysuckle suffered a very negative reaction to something.
I'm so sorry, Mr Toast.
Like my uncle said,
I haven't been feeling myself lately.
[eerie music]
-[Toast grunts] -[sofa squeaks]
[sofa springs creak]
[chilling music]
-Oi! -Ah!
There's no fucking toilet paper in the bathroom!
There's, there's some kitchen roll under the sink!
[Honeysuckle growls]
-[chilling music continues] -[Toast whimpering]
Ah, going somewhere, Toast?
Y-Yeah, I...
I'm gonna move out for a few days, Ed.
Yes, maybe best.
Honeysuckle's a bit of a handful.
The sooner we get her sorted out
with this homoeopathy the better.
-Yes. -[suitcase rattling]
-Where are you going? -[clasps clicking]
Francis Bacon has a spare room.
He owes me a few favours.
Francis Bacon?
I thought he was dead.
Why does everyone say that?
[melancholic music]
[suitcase thuds]
Oh, God!
[Toast sobbing]
Toast?
Is that you?
-Lorna. -Oh, Toast.
I recognised the streak in your hair
from across the way. [chuckles]
That streak.
-Didn't you fall out of a tree? -Yeah, I fell out of a tree.
I knew I'd see you again.
Wait, are you crying?
Crying? Me?
Nah.
Toast, I owe you an explanation.
No, you don't.
I can't even remember what happened.
We both know that's not true, Steven.
I bounced back and was fine within a couple of hours.
And if you don't mind,
I'm late for a luncheon.
Oh, Toast,
you always were a lousy poker player.
Coffee?
My treat?
[Toast huffs]
Well, it is a nice day.
We could get some ice cream.
Yes!
[gentle music]
Do you have any cigarettes?
You always did like a cigarette after ice cream.
I don't have any,
but somebody left a pipe in the drawer, next to the Bible.
-[drawer scrapes] -Is that your knife?
Yeah.
Everybody told me to bring one if I was coming to London
because of the Tottenham siege?
Tottenham riots.
You know, I never thought I'd see you again.
-[reflective music] -I was in a real bad place.
You ripped me in half, woman.
In bloody half! [chews pipe]
I was in a dreadful state.
I know, I heard.
Apparently, you cried so hard
you followed through in Oddbins.
Yes, I did.
[reflective music continues]
Shall we?
For old times' sake?
What?
You know.
[both giggle]
[chuckles] Abraham Lincoln.
Forgotten you'd mastered him.
You do him so well.
Do Bruce Forsyth.
Bruce is easy.
You've just gotta get the chin right.
[bright playful music]
[Toast chuckling]
[bright playful music continues]
Oh, this is so much fun!
Let me take a selfie.
-A what? -A picture,
of us back together.
[camera clicks]
I'm really sorry I ran out on you, Steven Toast.
I wanna make it up.
Leave it, Lorna.
Your backside's writing checks your mouth just cannot cash.
You must have been real upset
to have followed through in Oddbins.
Didn't I just read they were facing liquidation?
[scoffs] They weren't the only ones!
[Toast chuckles dryly]
Well, at least you haven't lost your sense of humour.
Lorna,
you're once, twice,
three times a lady.
And I've only ever said that to six other people before.
You sound like your character from our show.
I watched an episode of that the other day.
[Lorna] Really?
-How did it look? -Damn good.
-[cheesy dramatic music] -Look, Principal,
I don't think I can goddamn do this any more.
There's only so many times
I can watch you throw a flush,
while I end up with a deuce.
I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Professor.
Christ to hell.
I mean, I'm sick of being
just another British stud you figure
you can take off the shelf
whenever there's an itch that needs a-scratchin'.
I'm sorry?
Spare me the Girl Guide routine.
You're just using me to make your husband jealous.
Keep going, Professor.
I love it when you're angry.
-[glass smashes] -[dramatic music beat]
I'm goddamn serious.
Don't treat me like a major league son of a bitch!
Go ahead, do it.
Would it make you feel more like a man?
Yes!
Get out.
Oh, I'm leaving.
But I'll be back in the morning
for my share of the business,
and the baby.
[tense soul music]
[Principal breathing heavily]
[door sound effect clicks]
[door sound effect thuds]
Sometimes it's hard to let go of the past.
I'm off to see Francis Bacon.
Isn't he dead?
Why does everyone say that?
Honey, you could always stay here with me.
[scoffs] My God,
-she is fucking beautiful, -[reflective music]
but I know we can never get back together.
If I don't leave now, I'll never leave.
I'd better say that out loud.
If I don't leave now, I'll never leave.
Bye!
[reflective music continues]
[door thuds shut]
-[mysterious music] -[phone bleeping]
And you'll need a decent suit, Anton.
I'm not turning up to my opening
with George from Asda on my arm. [chuckles]
We'll go to Turnball's off St James's, my treat.
Ah, and I've ordered us a nice bottle of bubbly.
-[bottle clanks] -Yes.
Yes, I'm raising a glass now.
To us! [chuckling]
-[doorbell buzzes] -Mm!
Come up, dear, it's open!
Now there's somebody at the door.
[door latch clicks open]
We're no longer alone, Anton.
[door creaks shut]
Toast!
How are you?
I was just ordering some printer ink cartridges.
I'll call you back.
[receiver clunks]
You look very depressed, Toast.
Where have you been, the Old Kent Road?
I'm sorry, Bacon,
I need somewhere to stay for a day or two.
Hmm, something happen between you and Ed?
He's an odd fish, isn't he?
I see you've been painting your father again.
Oh, yes. [chuckles] [growls]
I'm in a quandary.
Lorna's back.
The American with the dickey eye?
Only when she does close-ups.
I remember the mess she made of you last time.
Didn't you cry so hard, you shat yourself in your room?
No, I shut myself in my room.
I shat myself in Oddbins.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Didn't I just read they're facing liquidation?
They weren't the only ones. [chuckles heartily]
I'd stick to drama, Toast.
But you did love her, didn't you?
-[gentle music] -I did.
I still do.
Oh.
I don't mean to impose, Bacon,
but I really don't have anywhere else to go.
[melancholic music]
* From a tramp to a king, come winter or spring *
* The song that you sing remains the same tune *
* It'll pass untold when love takes hold *
* Like a weight made of gold *
-* And it pulls so hard * -* Weighed down *
* I'm weighed down *
* Weighed down *
* I'm weighed down *
[melancholic ballad instrumental]
[melancholic ballad instrumental quietens]
What are you doing here with an old queen like me, Toast?
Go to Lorna.
Love is the greatest gift we share.
No, you're right, Bacon.
Thanks, old friend!
-[door latch clicks] -And what you looking at?
[door thuds shut]
[Honeysuckle groaning demonically]
-[thunder rumbling] -[vomit sploshing]
-[demonic growls resonates] -[vomit sloshing]
I'm not certain that this is a gluten allergy.
[Honeysuckle belches]
I'm gonna give Alan the homoeopath a ring.
What?
[Honeysuckle groans demonically]
-[vomit sploshing] -Hello, Alan?
Jackie Paper.
You free for a home visit?
[Toast tapping on door]
Lorna!
[seductive soul music]
[Toast grunts]
[horse whinnies]
-[Toast moans] -[horse whinny echoing]
[both moaning]
[horse whinny echoing]
Oh!
Oh, my gosh!
Putt, putt, putt, oh!
Oh my God!
Oh!
-[Toast grunts] -Oh, my gosh!
[horse whinny echoing]
That was definitely the best sex I've ever had
without getting an erection.
What's that all about?
It's 'cause I'm so in love with you.
I can only ever normally achieve an erection
with people I have zero respect for.
Oh!
-There he is! -There he is.
[camera clicks]
Hey, I'm gonna go round to Ed's
and pick up the rest of my belongings,
but I'll be straight back.
Perfect.
Oh, there's one thing, though, Toast, before you go.
I'm not even sure if it's worth mentioning,
but, erm, it may be relevant.
What is it?
I'm married.
[dramatic music beat]
-You're married? -Yeah,
although my husband pays me so little attention,
he may have actually forgotten about it so.
You're married to someone else?
I think you should meet him
and explain the situation.
It would be so much better coming from you.
Tell him that my marriage to him is over.
He's recording in London at the moment.
You could go to his studio.
He's not one of those chaps
with his bare backside hanging out,
carrying industrial tape and drugs, is he?
No, he's not a fucking...
He's not a roadie, Toast, he's a rock musician.
Come on, honey, this could be our second chance.
You know what? You're right.
I don't care that you're married to someone else.
It's you I love.
And after years of being dealt the deuce,
I finally feel like I'm holding a flush.
-[both moan] -[gentle music]
[demonic laughter echoing]
-[chilling music] -Ed?
I'm down here, under the table!
What the hell are you doing down there?
Hiding from Honeysuckle.
I just came to say goodbye, Ed.
I'm moving in with Lorna.
-Oh, don't leave me! -I have to.
I need to move on.
I know it's the right thing to do.
-[demonic groaning echos] -I...
-What's wrong, Toast? -Nothing, I er...
[husband groans]
[cheesy dramatic music]
[body thuds]
[gasps] Oh, my God!
Come on, Principal, we don't have much time.
Our flight to Hawaii leaves in an hour.
[Principal sobs]
But you said you hated your husband.
That you wanted him dead and that you love me.
[Principal sobs]
You do love me, don't you?
Don't tell me that I've got this badly wrong?
-[Principal cries] -[dramatic music]
I'll bring the car out front.
See you in a minute.
-[door thuds] -No! [sobs]
[demonic wailing echoing]
[Ed] You're not having second thoughts
about you and Lorna, are you?
Of course I'm not.
What the hell's with all the knives?
It was part of my father's collection.
-Do you want one? -Why not?
Everyone else seems to have one.
I hope that homoeopath gets here soon!
-[demon cackles] -[glass smashes]
[demonic laughter reverberates]
[upbeat mysterious music]
[Lorna sighs deeply]
-[awful band music halts] -Stop, stop, guys.
It's too loud.
There's something's been on my mind for the last few days.
What is it, Josh?
I think we should scrap these electric instruments
and just play wooden ones.
We're about to begin an arena tour.
How are they gonna hear us?
I wanna cancel those venues and just play churches.
What the fuck?
You know, I'm getting just a little sick
of the amount of bad language
and the unprotected sex that I see on these arena tours.
-[drummer laughs] -No, I'm serious.
-[dramatic music] -You think I'm kidding?
I dare you to test me.
I will strangle you with the hands
-that the good Lord gave me. -[phone vibrates]
What the hell is that?
[upbeat music]
Okay, Lorna.
I'm going to go in there,
sort the rock man out once and for all
and then we can start our new life together.
[Lorna sighs]
[mysterious music]
Good luck.
-[angelic music ends] -Isn't that beautiful?
[door thuds open]
Which one of you cocksuckers is Lorna Wynde's husband?
That'd be me.
Oh, yeah?
Well, she's in love with me
and she's leaving you
and your marriage is over.
So you'd better deal with that like a man and step aside.
What did you just say?
What, are you fucking deaf?
[guitar clunks]
Whoa!
-[blade slashes] -[Josh wails]
Oh, shit, his nose has come off!
-[Josh groaning] -It's all right, I've got it.
-Argh! -I've got it.
Oh, God!
His beautiful nose!
Yeah, his nose is fine.
He just walked into the blade.
No, no, no!
Lorna, we need to go.
I arranged for us to look at a flat at 5.30.
Look what you've done!
I didn't do anything!
Like I said, he walked into the blade!
-[Josh groaning] -Oh, darling!
I'm sorry I've been neglecting you.
I wanna renew our marriage vows
and I wanna live a holy life.
And I'm sorry, too, honey.
I sent you those selfies of me and Toast
to make you jealous.
Just so you'd pay me a little more attention.
It's you I love, not him.
No way him, he's a fucking loser asshole!
-[tense music builds] -[blade clanks]
What a fool I've been.
She's obviously still in love with the rock man.
All this to make him jealous.
Just like that two-bit soap we were in.
I thought I'd been dealt a flush,
but I've ended up with another deuce.
I'd better say that out loud.
I thought I'd been dealt a flush,
but I've ended up with another deuce.
Can somebody call an ambulance?
Oh, God!
What shall I do about the flat?
[eerie melodic music]
[people grunting and moaning]
Ed, is that you?
I'm coming in!
Don't, Toast!
Please, don't come in!
I'm coming in.
-[demon growling] -[wind howling]
What the hell are you two up to, Ed?
Hey, cocksucker.
Wanna see something cool?
What?
[demon growls]
[thunder cracks]
Dear God!
[Honeysuckle growls demonically]
The good news is that Alan the homoeopath is on his way.
[thunder cracks]
[Alan] Is the girl in there?
Is that you, Alan?
[Alan] Of course it's me!
[thunder rumbling]
[dramatic heroic music]
[Toast] What are you gonna do, Alan?
What am I gonna to do?
I'm a fuckin' homoeopath, aren't I?
I'm gonna do it the natural way.
[demon snarling]
-[dramatic music] -[thunder cracking]
Fuck
-off! -[catapult whacks]
[angelic music]
That should do it.
Well, I must say, I'm very impressed.
This homoeopathy lark seems to have done the trick.
I don't know much about it,
but there's clearly a marked improvement.
You see, a lot of people,
they look down their nose at homoeopathy.
They think it's a scam,
but that's because they don't know
what the fuck they're talking about.
Well, it's clearly very effective,
and not the complete bullshit I'd assumed.
Ah, so, everything back to normal.
So, Toast,
how did the confrontation with Lorna's husband go?
Turns out Lorna was using me
just to make her husband jealous.
She's still very much in love with the rock man.
We won't be moving in together.
Oh, shame.
Then there was an altercation
and his nose got cut off.
[melodic melancholic music]
Are you all right, son?
He'll be fine.
As I said,
everything back to normal.
["Take My Hand" by Matt Berry]
* So, take my hand, *
* We'll disappear to a pub that's not too far from here *
* Though I don't know you and you don't know me *
* I just had to talk to you, you see *
* So, say you'll come, please don't go *
* You could be the one for all I know *