[Happy] Previously, on Happy!
I'd love to know what you and Sonny had to talk about.
He’s got blackmail on everyone. It’s on videotape.
[Mer] The people on these tapes protect him.
Kap, what do you think?
[Sonny] Go, Kap, Go!
I think it’s fucking brilliant.
[Happy] Holy guacamole! It’s Dayglo Doug!
Dayglo Doug was there when Sonny started!
Now you’ll have plenty of time to devote to your passions.
Sounds like a slam-dunk witness to build your case on.
[Mer] You were big, Doug!
[Doug] Sonny just took whatever he wanted, starting with my show.
Hailey, I am so, so sorry.
Get away from me!
Listen, I’ve been protecting you, haven’t I?
[grunting and groaning]
You almost got hurt back there.
-It’s like you’re two different people. -I’m Blue Scaramucci.
[Orcus] I am trapped in you.
My name is Orcus.
-[Doug] Wishees! -[Mer] I killed one.
Whatever it was that came out of that thing, I put it in a jelly jar.
For now, I’m gonna get this jelly open.
[groans and splash of diarrhea]
[grunts]
Sax!
[Sax hums gibberish]
[hissing of Wishee]
[Sax breathes heavily]
[sobs softly]
[sobs and groans]
No! No! [sobs]
[water gushes]
[Mer] Holy sh...
[dog barks in distance]
[door hinges creak]
[waffler bell rings]
[Sonny Shine theme tune plays]
The closest thing I have to hard evidence literally down the shitter.
Goddamn it, Sax.
Yeah, it’s probably just as well.
That palooka was a few bananas short of a split.
He was right about one thing.
Those were the wrong tapes at Sonny's place.
The real stuff’s got to be at Shine Tower. So that is where we're going to go.
Ah! Hey. No. Hold on, hold on.
I know I offered to help, policewoman, but go to Shine Tower?
I might as well pop a cyanide capsule and chase it with a Luger.
I could take you back to Alpine Memories, if you prefer.
[chuckles] Oh, yeah...
You're not joking.
Oh.
Okay, uh, listen, sweet cheeks.
I've come up with a better solution,
one that I think would work well for both of us.
Brasil!
You can relax on the beach,
work on your tan.
I will whip up a fresh, new act!
Keep doing that, I’m gonna shoot you in your face.
-Yep. -[Mer] Look.
This was taken at a public appearance nine days ago.
I count four of these furry fucks.
If I emptied a gun into one of them, who the hell is in that suit?
I'll get out of your hair. Just lend me a few bucks for bus fare.
I’ve always wanted to see Schenectady.
You’ll never have to worry about ol' Doug again.
This is your tape, Doug, the one Sonny made.
You don't have to be afraid of him. He doesn’t have anything on you anymore.
I’m going to Shine Tower.
I could really use your help.
[sighs]
[Happy sniffs]
Nick! Nick!
[sniffs]
Oh, come on, Nick, where are you? Ooh!
Oh, you cakes. You yummy cakes!
That reminds me of when Amanda brought home
that awful gluten-free cake with the edible candles.
And that reminds me of when Hailey burned a hole in her Daisybots bedsheets.
And that reminds me of when Sax tied sheets around his neck
and told me to get into my safe space because he wanted quiet time.
And that reminds me of when Hailey got that pink singing alarm clock for her...
[gasps] It's Hailey's birthday!
[rap music plays in Sax's head]
[classical music plays]
[thrash metal plays]
[upbeat easy-listening music plays]
[elephant trumpets and growls]
[trumpets]
[engine revs and tires squeal]
[guns click]
-[man] Get in! -Sorry, fellas.
Janet warned me about getting into cars with strangers
without a bag of chaw and a fresh pair of pantyhose.
Now, bitch. Clock's ticking.
[engine revs and tires squeal]
[man] All right, Sax. Get your shit together. You got a job to finish.
You know, if we're already going to be doing the last name thing,
I just think introductions would be proper.
Ha-ha! Well, well. If it ain't Humpty, Dumpty and...
-What's your name again? -I ain't no Easter egg, Sax.
Well, you are dyed.
[distorted laugh]
Get it?
Maybe you're feeling a tiny smidgen of guilt for what you did to us...
and you're lashing out.
The only thing I'm feeling is a burning sensation in my asshole,
a gag reflex from the combined stench of the four of us in close quarters,
the acute tedium of this conversation and a burning sensation in my asshole.
-You said that twice. -What I am not feeling...
is one shred of guilt for having ventilated you dotards.
In fact, if I had the chance to do it again...
Does that mean I get to do it again?
[guns click]
Come on, Sax. Don't change the subject.
-You know what you got to do. -Spoiler.
It involves bullets.
Sorry to disappoint you guys, but... [inhales] I'm indisposed.
I got this important thing I got to take care of.
So if you would let me out of this van.
-Really? What exactly is that? -You can't remember, can you?
Uh...
If I could, why would I tell you?
Some dad. He forgot his daughter's birthday.
Wait. Is that today?
-I knew that. -You need to get her a present.
Do you know how long it took me to find a Wishee?
Driver! Take me to the place that sells shit that kids like...
[Jabba] You're a killer, Sax, a death dealer.
[Mousey] Ain't we the proof?
That's what you do good. You want to get your kid a present, huh?
Why don’t you bring her the head of you-know-who with a pretty bow on top?
I'm done with that. Don't threaten me with a good time!
Besides, I'm retired from that game. I got the watch to prove it.
[Mousey] Looks like you got a retarded watch.
You can say you're retired all you want.
A tiger doesn't just wake up one day and decide it's a canary.
No, it does not.
We'll make this simple.
Either you’re the one taking the envelope,
or you might just find yourself inside of one.
I had you assholes all wrong.
I thought you was hard-boiled.
But look at you...
extra runny.
[laughs]
Extra runny!
-[grunting] -[tires screech]
-[driver] Get off the bus, you moron! -[grunts]
-Get some pants on! -[groans]
[grunts]
[kids chatter in background]
-What do you want? -Is it cool if we sit with you?
Shouldn't you be hanging out with your Queen Bee Dagny?
[slurps]
That's not really a thing anymore.
So, who was that old guy at the zoo?
My boyfriend.
Cool.
I know you probably hate us, but...
We're sorry for being total dicks.
Tastes like cake batter.
Well, it is my birthday.
My God, it's your birthday? Happy birthday!
You're totes juuling with us.
[dog barks in distance]
[sighs]
[squirts]
[distorted] ♪ VHS Sex, VHS Sex ♪
[breathes heavily]
♪ VHS Sex... ♪ [echoes]
[breathes heavily]
[squirts]
[breathes heavily]
[Orcus] What do we have in common?
[distant buzzer]
Not race...
not creed...
not religion.
Certainly not sexual orientation, whatever that might mean around here.
Not even possession of two balls and two eyes.
Hello, Trotsky!
Looking good there.
Now, there’s only one thing that we have in common...
Death.
-[man 1] Word. Word. -[man 2] Ay, Papi.
Death, the fear of it, yes, but also the lust for it!
All of us here have taken lives.
We have conjured death and now death waits upon us
and death waits for us impatiently.
That...
is the thing we share.
Black, white, brown,
it unites us into a perfect brotherhood!
Now, you take Odipo here.
Odipo dismembered his wife and his cousin
when he found them making the beast with two backs.
His wife broke the vows of marriage.
His cousin broke the covenant of family!
Such a messy business.
Such sturm und drang!
What Odipo gave to them was simple.
It was pure.
It was perfection.
And someday, maybe someday soon, Odipo will join them in...
[farts]
Preach, brother.
[prisoners] Yeah!
[man] Yeah!
[as Blue] Excuse me, please.
[door bleeps]
[gun clicks]
Take off your goddamn head.
-Please don't shoot me! -Shut up.
It looks human.
Ah! Ow!
-Name? -Jessup.
-Jessup Miller. -Jesus Christ. It is, isn't it?
-How long you worked for Sonny Shine? -Since about six weeks back.
Right around when I killed it. Times out.
Killed? What do you mean, killed?
Tell me about the others. You met them?
I mean, I work with them every day, but I never properly met any of them.
High on their own farts, those ones.
I can't say I blame them. I mean, they is superstars.
Still, I ain't ever even seen any of them with their heads off.
I'm just the new guy. I tried to get in good.
I brought donuts, Frappuccinos, even offered Mr. Shine a blowie.
-That's how to move up in this business. -Stop!
You blew Sonny Shine?
No, ma'am.
He turned me down, but I think that rubbed some of the other Wishees the wrong way.
They're hell-a possessive of Sonny.
Follow him around 24/7, always in character.
-They got dressing rooms like this one? -Not that I ever saw.
They pretty much go wherever they want around here. Got the run of the place.
Listen, old timer, I'm a team player.
Maybe I give you a quick blowie, y'all let me go.
[Mer] Shut up!
You watch him.
[costume squeaks]
I got an idea.
Pink.
At least we know who one of us is.
You're right. That...
You're right. This can't go on...
Really?
Seems like things are going pretty good for you.
Nobody's trying to whack you anymore. You got a bunch of new friends.
They all worship you like you’re some kind of god, Blue.
Like some kind of David Koresh or Tony Robbins.
Screw those...
[low voice] Screw those idiots.
It’s not me, Pink. You know that.
It's someone else.
The thing is...
there's less and less...
of me every day, and I can’t control that.
And that’s why...
That’s why I have to die.
-Don't be so dramatic. -No. No. Listen to me.
I'm never getting out of this thing alive.
You got to think of it like I'm already dead.
The moment that Mikey whispered in my ear, he gave me a death sentence.
But...
I can still fuck him.
-Mikey? -No, Orcus.
I don't understand.
If I die...
he dies.
Either that or he's trapped forever in some kind of mindless flesh prison.
I don’t know. Either way, it is all the way up his ass.
So, let me get this right. You want me to kill you, Blue?
Is that right?
Yeah.
-Can’t do that. -Ah, Pink, come on.
You're the only one that can.
I mean, they all worship the motherfuck.
I can't do it myself. He'll just stop me.
Please... if you love me.
And I think you do.
Just end this.
I'm begging you.
-[sniffles] Jesus, Blue. Now? -No!
No.
I don't want to see it coming. You got to get me when I least expect it.
I can't believe this is even real.
How the hell do you think I feel?
Hailey! Hailey! I didn't forget!
[sniffs]
[sniffs deeply] Oh, it’s a cake!
[Sister Lee] He changed water into wine.
-I have a birthday cake for Hailey Hansen. -[blows party horn]
It says, "Love from the Squad."
-[girls] Happy birthday, Hailey! -Really?
Everyone deserves cake on their birthday.
[Sister Lee] Okay, kids, let's sing "Happy Birthday" to Hailey.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-♪ Happy birthday, dear Hailey ♪ -♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[gags]
[distorted laughter]
You think this is funny?
Hailey’s got a doodie cake!
-[laughter] -[Sister Lee] Girls, quiet down!
Stop laughing! It's not funny! You're hurting her feelings!
-[Sister Lee] Girls, that’s enough! -I thought we ordered a real cake.
We did.
[Happy] It's supposed to be her special day!
Don't cry, Hailey. I'm here. Happy's here. Don't listen to them!
-♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪ -[Sister Lee] Girls! Stop laughing!
-♪ Jingle bells, Jingle all the way ♪ -Stop it!
-Girls! -[ear-splitting scream]
[Happy] Hailey!
[upbeat dance music in Sax's head]
All right. I get what’s going on here.
It’s like one of them dreams where you’ve got a hard-on and no pants. [snorts]
[man] Oh, my God. Work it, baby. Work it!
[children's laughter and chatter]
[distorted dreamy music]
[snorts]
[high-pitched, distorted giggle]
-[snorts] -[high-pitched] Wow.
[high-pitched] That’s fantastic.
It's so beautiful.
[distorted laughter]
[gasps] Is this heaven?
[dreamy music plays]
[Sax] Holy shit.
Nick.
Wow.
-I'm up here. -Right.
[inhales] Amanda, are we dead?
[both laugh]
No, dummy. You're not getting off the hook that easy.
Neither of us is.
Then what? [chuckles]
I don’t know if you've noticed, but Mama's been a little off lately.
Mm!
Yeah, I just thought it was stress.
No. You know better.
You've been an addict for ten years and a cop for ten before that.
You know withdrawal when you see it. It’s in the eyes.
[distorted groan]
That jonesing for something you can't have.
-Something so bad... -But so good.
[soft sigh]
Mm!
Amanda, I can’t. I made a promise.
To you! For Hailey! No more drugs, no more booze.
Doesn't seem fair, does it?
To be a dad, you have to be someone you're not.
Is that what Hailey really needs?
Some kind of jive, counterfeit construct of a man?
I'm not trying to be jive. I'm trying to be good.
You can never be that.
Maybe you could fake it for a while and not very well,
but what you can be is
that ass-kicking pimp-daddy of destruction you were born to be!
[grunting]
-[chainsaw buzzes] -[screams]
-[Amanda] Say, ah. -Ah!
There you go. Give in, baby.
You know neither one of us can face what we're about to face straight.
[indistinct chatter]
-[kid] Is that man okay? -[woman] He’s fine.
Just don’t make eye contact.
[knock on door]
[woman] Sockatoo, five minutes.
Uh, all right... ma'am.
[sighs]
I miss it... backstage, the dressing rooms, the crudités,
the bottles of water.
Where can a guy pinch a loaf around here?
[muffled grunt]
-Oh. Thanks. -[grunts]
[door]
[Sonny Shine theme tune plays in background]
[indistinct chattering]
[yells hysterically]
[people yell and panicked chattering]
[breathes heavily]
[gasps]
[sniffs]
[woman] Sockatoo, there you are! They're calling for you back in rehearsal.
[grunts softly]
My therapist told me a great way to let go of some of my anger
would be to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.
I tried it. It felt a lot better.
Next time, maybe I'll burn the letters, too.
[slow handclap]
That joke was old when you were young.
Also, dinosaurs.
Well, well, well... if it isn't Sonny Snake.
Seeing you on that stage just reminds me
how unsexy all of this was before I came along.
This is my stage, Sonny!
[man] Got an update on that bathroom flood.
Uh, apparently one of the kids freaked out and couldn’t hold it.
[groans]
[grunts]
Doug, what are you doing?
You made a muy tragic mistake coming here, Doug.
You should've stayed where I put you, running schtick for schnitzel.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Then you wouldn’t have to look into the face of the man you betrayed.
Please! You were washed up.
No one was buying Dayglo Doug anymore.
They wanted something new and dangerous and...
and hot.
I made you!
If you had invented Sonny Shine, you would've invented Sonny Shine.
I'll have to ruin what's left of you, you know. I'll release your tape.
You're not too scrambled upstairs to remember our little video party, are you?
I remember you set me up
and got me all wizzle-wozzle on airplane glue and then...
Captured the all-too-human side of Dayglo Doug, up close and in the raw.
The six fans you have left will be heartbroken.
Well, that’s going to be a little difficult, isn’t it?
Without this.
What's... that... Doug?
Just what you used to keep me down for 20 years.
I'm just curious. Where’d you get that?
[chuckles insanely] Wouldn't you love to know?
The important thing is you’ve got nothing on me now.
So I'll be taking back everything you stole from me, my routine, my show.
It's never too late for a third act, Sonny!
And this is mine!
[sighs] Well, Doug, you caught me on a really bad day.
Yeah. My act...
my show is a multibillion-dollar enterprise.
And the little special I have coming up in less than 72 hours
is set to turn that B into a TR.
So, my patience is lambskin-thin. I'm under cray stress!
I'll tell all, Sonny! I will sing like the loudest canary you ever heard!
You smell... [sniffs]
old.
Doug, your act is shit.
It was always shit.
You can have it, but... there’s one thing of yours, though,
one thing I’ve always loved.
[sniffs]
-[tap echoes] -Is this thing on?
[microphone feedback]
-[grunts] -[groans]
[manic grunting]
[grunts]
-[manic grunts] -[bones crunch]
[microphone feedback]
[sighs softly]
[horns honking]
Happy?
Do I look happy?
All right. Hey, I got something that’s going to cheer you up.
Somebody remembered Hailey's birthday.
That's right, me.
Yeah, and I'm going up right there, and I'm going to get her a present.
What do you think about that?
The question is, what do you think about it?
I think it's pretty obvious I'm part of some lame attempt
at working through your issues through a series of...
[grunts and sighs]
...metaphorical hallucinations.
Really?
Yep. The real Happy is knocking one back at a bar somewhere, for all I know.
We're on our own, Nick.
TBH, I don't think this little trip down the rabbit hole's gonna end well for you.
Well, who asked you, anyway?
I'm done taking parenting pointers from a flying horse.
You ain’t told me one thing about Hailey that's panned out.
It's true. I guess I haven't given you the best advice.
Hailey's grown out of the things we used to like
and maybe I don't know her as well as I used to.
Maybe not. So, if you'll excuse me...
But I do have one suggestion.
Yeah.
You want to give Hailey the best gift any dad ever could?
Of course I do. I know exactly what it is.
The, um, little fluffy... the stuffed... What do you call it?
No, Nick. The best gift you can give her is to disappear.
What the hell did you say to me?
You bring pain and destruction to every life you touch, Nick.
-I saved her life! -You did. Now save it again.
Leave town and never look back.
Ever westward. Remember?
Ever westward, huh? I'll send you ever westward to the glue factory, you...
I can be different.
-I can change. -The new you is imaginary, Nick.
Not real. Trust me, I know a thing or two about that.
You're supposed to be my cheerleader! What the hell’s gotten into you?
Hailey's not the only one growing up, Nick.
Maybe I'm just seeing things the way they really are, like you always wanted me to.
Christ in a shithouse, this day just keeps getting worse and worse. Well...
Great talk, Hap. Thanks a million.
Pain and destruction, TBH. "Oh, I know a thing or two..."
I'll... I’ll shove a thing or two right up your... [mutters]
What are you looking at?
[upbeat rock music plays in background]
What does it all mean? What's my purpose?
Life was so much simpler when it was just me and Hailey.
I feel you, buddy. I wouldn't wish your current assignment on any IF.
It's not just that Nick is a grown-up.
It's not even that he's a bat-shit degenerate.
It's just, does he really need me? Does anyone?
Well, he does.
Come on, Twigs, I'm being super serious.
I feel like the whole world is changing and leaving me behind.
[barman] From the lady.
Dude, there's your purpose right there.
Go talk to her.
I'm not in the mood.
Bo Peep buys you a drink, you better get in the mood.
[sighs]
[growls and yaps]
Uh, hi, Peep. Thanks for the... drink. [burps]
Oh. Maybe I've had too much.
Hey, hot stuff.
Uh, me?
I ain't talking about him unless someone's got a match.
You look really skinny.
[laughs] Yeah, well, bright side, now I can drink. Cheers! [glugs]
[thumping footsteps]
[record jumps in time to footsteps]
[approaching footsteps]
You're cheating on me with a heckin' horse?
Hey! There's no call for that kind of...
You don't own me, you psycho!
We went on one date! Biggest mistake of my life!
And I don't cheat. Cheating's for cheaters.
No one's talking to you, pony boy, and that was no date, Peep.
What we had was sweet roly-poly, baby-fat magic.
Well, I'm just going to leave before someone gives me cancer.
Oh, yeah?
[coughs and wheezes]
[teeth chatter]
[shrieks and yells]
[angry gibbering]
[grunts]
[screams]
Come on!
[shrieking]
[squeals]
My hero!
[cans rattle]
[squirts]
[chuckles]
[distorted electronic music]
[Wishees groan sinisterly]
[sinister groans]
[gasping]
[door closes]
Hailey.
Is there something you want to say to me?
At least Dad has an excuse to forget.
[gasps] Hailey!
-Oh, my God. I am so sorry. -Don't touch me!
-I don't know what happened. I lost track. -You forgot my birthday, Mom!
How is that possible?
-How is that possible? -I don't know.
[inhales] There's something happening to me.
Ever since...
Something I can't remember, something I can't understand,
an emptiness, a space that wants to be filled, that needs to be filled.
More than anything you've ever known. I've tried filling it!
[grunting]
But there's nothing... nothing.
-Mom! -Like when you were a kid and you wanted
to know who your dad was. You never talked about it, but I know you thought about it.
Maybe it’s something like that, or maybe it's nothing like that
and... [chuckling ...you probably think I'm losing my mind.
-It's all right. I got a cake at school. -A cake. That’s good, that’s good.
You deserve to have a nice birthday.
-I got to go. -Mom, no!
I know what I have to do now.
Mom, don't go. Please stay! [breathes heavily]
Happy birthday, baby.
[Hailey whimpers]
[sobs] Mom.
[door closes]
[indistinct chatter over CCTV]
[no music playing]
[beeping]
[breathes heavily]
[grunts softly]
[hums cheerfully]
[children chatter indistinctly]
If you're here to audition for the Sonny Shine Easter Special,
make sure you fill out the sign-in sheet with your contact inform-- Hey!
[sighs]
This show, it’s just...
What about the things a man shouldn’t wish for?
Even you must have one of those, Kap.
[announcer] And now it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for...
[Hailey] Come on, Mom! It’s starting!
[distorted cheering]
-[distorted cheering] -[announcer] Sonny Shine!
[pigeons coo]
Happy birthday.
How did you know?
That's what friends are for.
-I thought we ordered a real cake. -We did.
[cooing]
[wings flap]
[cheering]
["You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito plays]
-♪ Nothing’s going to ever keep you down ♪ -[cheering]
-♪ You’re the best around ♪ -♪ Yeah, right ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to ever bring you down ♪
♪ You’re the best around Nothing’s going to ever keep you down ♪
-♪ Nothing ♪ -♪ You’re the best around ♪
-♪ Nothing! ♪ -♪ Nothing’s going to ever keep you down ♪
[electric flickering]
Hailey?
-Dad? -Look what I got for you!
It was here, I swear.
It's all right, Dad. You already gave me my present.
No.
Things are going to be like they used to be.
-You mean before-- -[gunshot]
Hailey!
This is your gift to me, Dad.
It's okay.
[breathes heavily]
It's not your fault.
It's my fault.
[sobs]
[sobs hysterically]
[howls]
No!
[howls]
[sobs hysterically]
I'm here to see Sonny Shine.