[Happy] Previously on Happy!
It's Hailey's birthday!
-♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ -[screams]
[Happy] Hailey!
-Happy birthday. -How did you know?
That's what friends are for.
You want me to kill you?
It's not me, Pink. It's someone else.
Orcus.
Hey, hot stuff.
-You're cheating on me? -Come on!
[yelling]
You forgot my birthday, Mom!
Something I can't remember, something I can't understand.
I know what I have to do now.
I'm here to see Sonny Shine.
[Geno] He's got blackmail on everyone. It's on videotape.
The real stuff’s got to be at Shine Tower, so that is where we're going to go.
I run the third largest network.
[Sonny] Kap, Go! Num-num!
-[gasps] -This is my stage, Sonny!
[grunts and groans]
[crunch]
[Mer] I killed it. Whatever it was that came out of that thing,
I put it in a jelly jar, in the fridge.
-Oh! -[splash of diarrhea]
-[grunts] -[Mer] Holy shit!
-Nick, where are you? -[Mousey] Some dad!
He forgot his daughter's birthday.
I'm going there. I'm going to get her the stuffed, uh...
-What do you call it? -[Doug] The Wishees.
[Sax sobs]
[yells]
[grunting]
[man] Of course we want them back here. You know what they say? Well-a donkeys.
-What? -Donkeys.
[grunts and sighs] Damn it.
[Mer grunts]
Fuck.
[gunshot]
-[Sax] My ass! -[Mer] Sax?
[announcer] Two Sockatoos, one bullet, the timeframe, 5.6 seconds.
The bullet leaves Merry McCarthy's Glock 25
at 1:34 p.m. at a velocity of 1,200 feet per second.
It penetrates the Wishee costume, then makes a sharp,
nigh impossible, change of direction,
continuing at an angle of 27 diagonal degrees through Sax's grassy knoll,
barely grazing his two pimpled flesh mounds,
defying all laws of gravity, probability and decency.
The bullet then bursts free of the dark canyon, narrowly avoiding
the all-too-tempting target of Sax's sweet...
That's some bullet.
[Mer] How did you get this thing out of there?
[Sax] Like shoving a cat in a mason jar, Mer.
[both grunt]
I don't know.
Dipshit Dan just might be onto something. Maybe this thing is from another planet.
Doug's dead. Sonny killed him.
Yeah, Doug, right. Not Dan.
[Mer pants]
Sorry.
[grunts]
What the hell were you doing at Shine Tower, anyway?
Yeah, the million-dollar question, Mer. I got no idea. Last thing I remember...
[both grunt]
I was in your kitchen eating a PB&J.
No, that wasn't J. You ate its blood.
-I know what you're thinking. -No, you don't.
-Go on. -What?
-Say it. -No.
The blood brought you back to its host.
-You know how full bat-shit you sound. -Sure do, and yet...
And yet...
Oh, hey. I found another tape.
Oh, no more sex-tape shit.
-It's Kap Gostynski. -Um.
-He's the head of the network. -Exactly. Who gives a shit?
Do you know what that means? We're going to hit Sonny where he's soft.
No, we're not.
What we are going to do is cut this thing open and see what's inside.
Now, use your legs, not your back. Count of three.
-One, two... -[both grunt]
[squelch]
Did you use your legs?
[Sax clears throat]
One, two, three.
[Mer grunts]
[both grunt and pant]
[Mer] Seriously, what the fuck is it?
Well, according to Dago Doug, sometime in the Etruscan age--
That's not funny.
Well, look, Mer, I know this may be hard to believe,
but I, too, have had occasion to question my sanity as of late.
Oh, I believe it.
All's I'm saying is that your best bet is just roll with it.
You know, don't over-think it.
Thinking, actually, is bad.
-[Amanda] Let go of me! -Come on!
I want to see Sonny Shine!
Tell him it's Amanda Hansen!
You have no right to keep me in here!
[pants]
Miss Hansen, you're back.
I want answers, Shine.
You... want answers?
[shrieks] I want answers!
[breathes heavily] Someone stole something from my building.
Two not-as-yet-but-soon-to-be identified individuals broke in
and made off with something very, very precious to me.
The violation of it all, Miss Hansen...
The violation...
But I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
I'm sure your being here is a complete coincidence.
You're covered in blood.
I met up with an old friend. Things got crazy.
I don't have time for this.
I have a show to prepare for. I'll keep this simple. Why are you here?
That night...
[gasps] That night in your tower...
something happened to me.
Now, you are going to tell me what you did to me or...
[whistles]
[screams and gasps]
[whimpers]
[breathes heavily]
Shh.
[Wishees chitter]
Yes.
[chittering]
Yes. Yes.
[chittering]
-No. No. -[chittering]
[gasps] Color me gobsmacked.
You are special.
I know what's missing in your life.
[pants]
And shame on them for being such super secret-keepers.
Miss Hansen, you're with child.
[inhales deeply]
What?
Listen, sister. I'm with you. I...
My hard-drive's whirling away.
[breathes heavily]
Well, you're a woman.
And you've got a lot of nonsensical emotions, uh, brewing up in you right now.
Ah! Let go of me!
I know what you need.
[indistinct cries and squelching]
This'll fill that void you're feeling inside.
[inhales deeply]
Come back when you need more.
[whimpers] Ah!
[Happy] You sure can do some cool stuff with your tongue.
Friend showed me, and you don't know the half of it.
My friend Hailey showed me how to do this.
Oh. Wow.
We used to do everything together, the carousel, flying kites by the pier.
Uh-huh.
Last year, on her birthday, we made paper lanterns with, like, all the colors.
She was so happy, but this year, I forgot her birthday.
That look on her face, she... she's just changed so much.
Oh, for shit's sake!
Hailey, Hailey, Hailey!
-Is that all you can talk about? -Uh, what?
She's not thinking about you. Why are you thinking about her?
Friends. Ha! What a scam!
We exist for them, and then they just forget.
What kind of a friend is that?
Hm. C'est la vie.
-Am I right? -I... think so?
Let's get out of here, do something crazy.
Isn't this crazy?
[Peep] Sure. But I'm talking about...
[chuckles]
That's what she said.
Where do you wanna start?
Give me an asshole, a mouth, or something... get my bearings.
[clicks tongue] Try the middle.
[power tool whirs]
[Wishee shrieks]
[grunts]
[squeals]
[Mer grunts]
Third weirdest thing today I seen all day.
Once that truck hit me, all I saw was stars
and little birds spinning around, tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet.
Le Dic, what the fuck are you doing here?
I'm doing you one big, hard solid, though I don't know why I should.
-Someone wants you dead. -Oh, shocker. Who is it this time?
-The Bug. -What'd he say?
He tempted me with all my vices rolled into one.
Ladies, liquor and luck.
[women moan]
He baited that hook with the finest Cajun country pie you've ever almost tasted.
-By pie, I mean pussy. -Yep.
This Bug gets me all drugged up, says he's looking for a taxi driver.
Someone got up in his business, robbed his house,
busted up one of his operations and he wants a name.
He knows I can give it to him. So I play it cool, right?
But he looks at you with those big, round bug eyes, shining like an oil slick.
I'm smart. I say, I tell you a name, I'm as good as dead so I'll do one better.
I'll bring him straight to you.
I'm touched, Le Dic.
I ain't crisscrossing you, Sax! That is why I'm here.
-Yeah, right. Honor amongst scumbags. -Exactly. This Bug, he ain't one of us.
To tell you the truth, this ain't the first time that I seen him.
I used to be into some weird sexual shit.
I ain't too proud to admit it... Role play.
Getting beat up, whipped, wolf bag, scatty pants.
Jesus Christ! Get to the point.
I moved in dark circles, nasty, pervy,
till one night, I end up at this high-rollers' orgy.
Latex lovers, dressed like animals. I don't remember what happened,
but I remember that Bug and he was right there in the middle of all of it.
And whatever happened there, well...
it made me do caca in my Hanes.
-I never wanted to go back after that. -And yet...
Six, seven times, tops.
Okay, where was this orgy?
That's the crazy part...
Shine Tower.
You know, that kiddy clown on TV.
Yeah. Well, roll this up and smoke it, Sax.
A little bird told me another one of those nasty parties is going off
and I mean tonight.
[phone rings]
Look, we need...
Uh...
Uh, hey!
[Amanda] Nick, I'm going to need you to take Hailey today.
-Well, now's not a good time. -Don't you dare.
Don't you dare finish that sentence, Nicholas.
Don't you dare!
[disconnect tone]
[shoes squeak]
Uh, yeah. I got to take care of something.
Really? Now?
You, I want into Pervapalooza.
Can do. But you're going to need a costume.
[guard] Warden.
[sighs]
Goddamn Wolfpack.
You can stand.
Won't be long.
-Not a hockey fan? -[Orcus] Calcio Storico.
Six hundred years old. They still play it once a year.
Piazza Santa Croce.
That's in Florence.
Florence, Italy.
Now, if you were to turn up with your stick...
and your pads and your helmet...
they'd shove them all up your arse and you'd buy them a pint afterwards.
Makes your hockey seem rather like foxy boxing...
which I do happen to hold in high regard.
Foxy boxing, that is.
Not hockey.
Let's talk about, uh, this whole...
kumbaya thing you got going on.
Kumbaya?
I see what's going on out there.
Aryan Brotherhood, Black Gangster Disciples
and Nuestra Familia, all getting along together, like a Waldorf salad.
There hasn't been a violent incident,
or a disciplinary infraction of any kind in over 72 hours.
That's lovely.
That's not lovely.
That's fucking unacceptable.
Because if the gangs aren't fighting each other,
they're fighting the guards,
they're fighting me and I have to keep the peace and, uh...
[chuckles]
Oh... [inhales] Keeping the peace can hurt.
You get me?
I think I do.
I like to hear that.
I like that you and I can be on the level.
It stops, or you are going to spend the rest of your days
with that hockey stick shoved up your ass,
and we won't be grabbing any pints, you and me.
Understand?
I'm gonna to need you to say you understand.
Perfectly.
[Peep] This is your place?
I, you know, crash here with my friend.
The infamous Hailey...
No! Not... not Hailey. Nick.
Excusez-moi?
It's... it's complicated.
I'm complicated. Try me.
Well, I haven't told anybody this, but I got a new friend. Nick.
He's Hailey's dad.
She stopped believing, and he needed me, so I'm Nick's friend now.
You're telling me you jumped friends.
[giggles hysterically]
Sweetie, I know you're going through a hard time,
but what you're saying is shiznuts.
Your friend's your friend.
When your friend stops believing, you disappear. We don't change friends!
I mean, if we could do that, are we even imaginary?
Oh, I'm imaginary, all right.
I'm an imaginary lemon. I can't help anybody.
Okay. Happy, you're killing my buzz.
What happened to that badass bucking bronco
who rallied the troops and took down Psycho Santa Claus?
I... I did do that, didn't I?
Hell, yeah, you did.
When you said, "Pick on someone your own size,"
you could have wrung out my panties with a mop bucket.
It's time to forget about your friends, all of them, before they forget about you.
-So, you ever done it before? -It?
Yeah, you know, it... with a girl?
Oh! Uh... [clears throat]
It. Yeah, it.
Totally. Oh, tons of times.
I'm really good at... it.
Oh, boy.
Don't worry, Happy. I got this.
-[distant] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ -Um...
-So I, uh... I kind of got held up. -Huh?
But, uh... I know what day it was.
-It's okay. -No, it's not. You know, I...
'Cause I meant to...
with the balloons and...
eating, um, sugary... with the clowns,
holding farm animals, little favor things.
Are you trying to describe a birthday party?
Yeah, the point... the point is, um...
[gasps]
It was our first birthday...
you know, as father-daughter... you know?
[sighs]
It was important.
I'm sorry.
Twenty-four-hour rule?
We can do something today.
-You can't. -No, I'd love to.
I'd love to, but there's just this thing that I got--
-[staff] Birthday! -Oh, thank Christ!
♪ Birthdays are lovely And birthdays are sweet ♪
♪ So thanks for choosing us And choosing our treats like... ♪
Where are you going?
-Bathroom. -You need help?
♪ Or our world famous zoodle cake For 13.99 ♪
-No way! -Yes way!
-Hooray! -[staff] Birthday!
-♪ So thanks for choosing us and... ♪ -[man] Uh...
[lighter clicks]
Trouble getting it up?
I am so happy right now.
No, really. I was afraid that you was dead.
I mean, getting shot in the face is not exactly a night out at Studio 54.
Not to mention the ever-present risk of a catheter infection.
For a guy like you... [inhales] the possibilities are endless.
-And then... I wouldn't be able to-- -To kill me yourself. Yes.
-Yeah. -Very sweet.
As sweet as that little ripe, red cherry.
How's life since I took yours?
I'm walking a bit more like John Wayne because of you, but I've been worse.
Yourself?
Whoa!
Yeah. Life has been, um... interesting since our last tango.
You're already boring me.
Maybe you're feeling suicidal coming here.
Maybe you think that I don't dare fuck you up
in the middle of Greaser Gary's Shit Biscuit Roadhouse.
Either way... [inhales] this...
is not gonna end well for you.
-Don't cause a scene, Sax. -Huh.
Think of the all children... [whispers] Especially yours.
[inhales deeply]
The only thing I'm thinking about now is how I'm going to rip out your piss tube
and shove it into your good eye until I hit brain.
It's fascinating.
When we first met, you had nothing to lose,
nothing to live for but that next drink, next blackout.
It gave you a kind of invulnerability, but now...
Don't you see?
Daddy can't be naughty.
Imagine she comes out of the bathroom and sees Papa dragged off to prison...
just when you came back into her life.
Hm. She's a complicated little thing, that Hailey.
Say her name again.
I am so glad she and I had the chance to get to know each other over the holidays.
I know you think you're a real sick fuck but trust me...
you're a goddamn amateur compared to what goes on top of this skull right here.
Now, you're not half capable of understanding
what the fuck I would do to you if you ever touched that child.
Don't insult me.
I can assure you, I have no intention of touching your daughter.
What I have in mind for you is on a completely different level of fuckery.
You truly have no idea. It almost makes me feel...
Well, no.
But she has been in there a long time, hasn't she?
I hope she's okay.
Make a wish!
-Hailey! -Oh, my God! Dad!
Oh, washing your hands, that's good. A lot of germs everywhere.
I'll let you finish up. [grunts]
Grab your shit. We're going to Grandma's.
-Grandma's dead. -[sighs]
Not that grandma.
[door buzzer]
I bought three boxes of Samoas from you last week.
Now what? Are you crooks trying to rob my pension?
Ma! Ma! It's me! Nicky.
Drawing a blank.
Don't you recognize your own kid?
-She don't look nothing like me. -Not her, me!
Nicky, I'm busting your balls! Fucking with you. Come on in.
You look like shit, by the way. Entrez-vous, kids.
[Sax] Uh... Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a while.
Time flies when we're dodging familial responsibilities.
-Who wants a drink? -Uh, no.
-I'm... I'm dry... ish. -One bullshit. How about you?
[Sax] No! Ma, come on.
What? It's virgin!
-It's not. -No booze for the kid!
It's called manners, you ape!
Whatever floats your boat.
[sighs] I'm just glad you got back in time.
I got the cancer... the big C.
Doctor's given me 15, 20 good years left.
Ah, Christ, Ma!
It's already left a mark!
I'm sorry.
Well, not as much as he is, kiddo.
Right here.
Right here's where the milky magic used to happen.
Why are we sharing this?
It's called conversation, you orangutan! All right, brass tacks now.
Who's my competition? [hisses like a cat]
Uh, Janet, this is, uh... This is your granddaughter, Hailey.
And she has a name! Oh.
And by the looks of things, she's had it for what, nine, ten years?
Eleven... just.
Oh, belated.
All right. Look, all right. I know... I know it's been a long time
and... and I know I should've told you about the kid.
And the kid about her.
I was going to get to it! We had a lot to cover!
But we're here now, right?
Altogether, I just thought maybe it would be a good time for youse
to get to know each other, right? Bonding time!
-Bonding time? -Bonding time.
Bonding.
I'll bond you with the back of my hand, you bed-wetting bastard!
Now, out with it.
Stay here. [exhales]
As I'm sure you're aware, I got a, uh... tendency to attract negative energy to me.
Nothing I can't handle, but with the kid.
If Hailey's close to me, then she ain't safe.
-She needs her Grandma Sax. -Grandma?
Okay. Janet, but I just need someone I can trust who can protect her.
All right! Don't get your tighties in a tizzy.
I've been taking care of things since before your butthole turned brown.
I'll take care of 'em now. I'll watch the kid. [sighs]
[sighs]
Let me guess. You got to go.
The one thing I want is for you to be safe.
That's why I got to do what I got to do.
Sure. Go.
You're going to be okay here, you know that?
-I'm going to come back for you. -Yep.
Okay.
Try to keep her away from the goddamn moonshine.
That shit'll just knock a horse on its ass.
[door opens and closes]
[Peep] You just need to relax.
Uh, okay. [giggles]
Those come off?
They're not the only things that can come off.
["Touch Me" by Samantha Fox plays]
♪ I want to feel your body ♪
♪ Oooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Ooh!
♪ This is the night ♪
♪Touch me, touch me ♪
-♪ I want to feel your body ♪ -Ooh!
-♪ Your heartbeat next to mine ♪ -Ooh! Ooh!
♪ This is the night ♪
-♪ 'Cause I want your body ♪ -Ooh!
♪ All the time ♪
[giggles]
Well, that's something I've never seen before.
Do you think it'll taste like bananas now?
I don't know.
Haven't you ever tasted your own horn before?
Well, I'm not really built that way.
Plus, if I could, I don't think I'd ever leave the house.
I love bananas!
All right. Enough talk.
Here it comes.
Here comes the fun.
Are you ready?
-♪ I want to feel your body, touch me ♪ -[gulps]
So, then he grabbed the gun and shot Santa Claus right between the eyes.
And that's how I met my dad.
[Janet] Much better story than how I met my dad.
-How? -[grunts] At his funeral.
I, uh... Ah, there you are.
Ah, bless you, child!
-Is this my dad? -Mm? Yeah, eighth grade.
That picture speaks a thousand words, most of them not for publication.
Nicky was a soft one, runt of the litter.
Everyone thought he was special.
So much so we thought about taking him out to the woods and just setting him free.
I'm joking.
Honey, freshen.
So, you are a Sax, hm?
From Saxi, in the Nordic. That's Scandinavian.
In fact, that's where we get the Sax family crest,
two gnomes crossing their itty-bitty daggers beneath a flag that reads...
"Size Don't Matter."
Well... you know, us Saxes, sometimes, we get the short end of the stick.
We fight back always. And so what about you, child?
Any fight in you?
When I have to, but it's hard when you're little.
That's when you fight dirty!
It's the first thing I taught your father.
The bigger they are...
the more it hurts below the belt.
[slurps]
Tricky Dick Nixon! That is a good cocktail, child.
Don't touch.
Oh.
[gentle music plays]
Good afternoon. I'm Julie. May I call you Amanda?
You're blood pressure's great. You're weight's great.
Your temp is 98.6 on the dot.
-Any pain? -Nope.
-Spotting? -Nope.
How about change in mood? Any depression?
I don't want to talk about it, Julie.
Ah, well, a little bit of moodiness is to be expected,
with the change in hormones.
-You're saying...? -The test came back positive.
That's not possible.
Uh, some of life's greatest blessings aren't planned!
-What are my options? -You can see the child to term
and then choose to either keep him or her, or you can give them up for adoption.
And my third option?
Oh. You mean...
murder?
[chuckles]
I'm sorry?
You are going to have a beautiful child of God
and hopefully, he or she looks just like you, so beautiful.
I'm not having it.
I think it's wise that you understand the facts.
Cervical cancer spikes post-abortion.
You have an 87% chance of becoming sterile and often we're unable to remove
all the baby's limbs and digits from the womb.
What?
They kind of just float around...
causing all sorts of medical issues, as you can imagine.
What the hell kind of women's health clinic is this?
The kind that can save your soul.
Okay.
You have an 11-year-old daughter?
How would she feel about you killing her little brother or sister?
Fuck you, Julie.
[silent throughout]
[white noise]
-[snores softly] -[phone buzzes]
[snores]
[manic screaming]
Holy shit.
[door bangs]
[screaming on TV continues]
-You need to work on your aim. -What?
Smoothie, he's alive!
One eye down, but still with the same sparkling personality.
What is... What is that?
-Sax-- -You knew? You knew!
I saw him at Shine Tower. You know, when we were...
-I don't think he realized it was me. -I want to tear your head off right now.
-Yeah, tough guy? What's stopping you? -You were right, is what's stopping me!
We should've gone after this son of a bitch a long time ago!
-The Kap tape. You have to see this. -Oh, this?
No, Sax!
We can flip him. We can get him to testify.
You get your revenge. I get my badge back.
Aw, shove your badge up your vag. [breathes heavily]
They're all in this together.
I should've seen it. I take out Shine. Then, from him, I get to Smoothie.
If Le Dic can get me anywhere near that sequined clown, then we take him out.
-We finish this... my way. -I know what you're feeling right now.
-Do you? -But take a step back and take a breath.
-You could be walking into a trap. -Mer, you invited me into this pool.
Well, here the fuck I am, weenie bikini and all. Where are you?
Not in that pool.
The one thing I've learned is you can't underestimate Shine.
Well... I've been out there, Mer...
driving a cab, taking my little kid to school.
Just living a normal life, like any other average chump.
I've been a sitting duck. He could've gone after me any time he wanted.
[sighs]
But he didn't. Now, maybe he thought I wasn't a threat.
Maybe he thought there's no way I could touch him.
So, maybe, just maybe, Mer...
maybe he underestimated me.
[Smoothie] They make you look so grown up.
Do they still hurt?
Not as bad as I thought.
Well, a little pain never hurt anyone. I like them.
My mom's gonna kill me.
Parents always tell you that you're too young for things.
But no matter how desperately they try...
they can't stop you from growing up.
Where were you when I texted?
I thought you knew everything.
Dropped off again...
from relative to relative.
Sometimes it feels like no one wants you. I know how that is.
You don't know anything about me.
We have more in common than you might think.
[chuckles] Wasn't long ago that you were one of those children.
What was it? Not one wish.
Not just two wishes!
But three wishes.
They never came true, did they?
Mine did. I wanted to meet my dad.
That's so sweet. Mm.
But was he everything you wished for?
[Hailey] I can never be like that anymore, can I?
[Smoothie] No. You can never be naïve again, no longer a child, a victim.
Like a little lamb, eyes to the clouds, led singing to the slaughterhouse.
You've seen so much.
[Sanga] You could be little forever.
[Smoothie] Your perception has sharpened.
You can see things they can't see...
the truth behind the artifice.
Now, all you have to do is...
look.
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
[buzzing]
[vibrating] Why... are... you... buzzing...?
I... don't... know...!
[buzzing]
[squeals]
[groans softly]
Well, it doesn't get much weirder than that.
[squelch]
[Orcus] ♪ I'm always chasing rainbows ♪
♪ Watching the clouds passing by ♪
♪ My schemes are just like all my dreams ♪
♪ Ending in the sky ♪
♪ Some fellows ♪
You know, it's happening tonight.
And my smart, splendid lads, I think there's a very good chance
that you'll both be alive to see the sunny, sunny light of day.
-[grunts] -What the hell?
[grunting and groaning]
-[whimpers softly] -[prisoners yell]
[grunting and groaning]
[distant klaxon blares]
Attack!
[grunts and groans]
[yelling and grunting]
[indistinct chatter over walkie-talkies]
[Blue grunts and groans]
[groans]
Pink! Pink! Pink! [groans]
-[Blue] Goddamn it! [groans] -[Pink grunts]
-[grunts and groans] -[siren]
[Blue whimpers and grunts]
[shrieks]
Ah!
I'm sorry.
Pink, I'm scared.
I love you.
[both scream and yell]
Wow! What was that?
I don't, but I'd order it again on a sundae.
[loud puff]
What?
Nothing.
It's just... you're so pretty.
[giggles]
Oh, no, no thanks.
I don't smoke, but I do spoon!
This is nice.
Most guys just want to fork.
You know, you could stay for a while.
Like, all night.
I mean, if you want.
You want me to stay all night?
Sure!
Oh! We can have chocolate-chip pancakes in the morning!
Like at a sleepover!
Well, I do love pancakes,
but won't your friend be wondering where you are?
Oh, who cares about him?
He's probably somewhere dumb and boring...
[yawns]
doing dumb... [yawns]
...boring stuff.
[discordant electronic dance music]
[squealing and groaning]
[Sax] Amanda?
Nick!