[Happy] Previously, on Happy...
-Why are you here? -That night something happened to me.
Ms. Hansen, you’re with child!
I know what you need.
Between you and me, Mr. Shine, the man is a few peas short of a casserole.
Let’s go ahead and kill the idiot.
-This is not going to end well for you. -Don’t cause a scene, Sax.
-No? -Think of all the children...
especially yours.
I’m just happy you’re finally hearing the truth.
-It’s about time someone-- -What’s that supposed to mean?
Your father lied to your mother and then ran out on her.
And then your mother lied to your father about you
and then to you about your father.
From the lady.
Here comes the fun!
Are you ready?
[gulps]
And you know what bugs crave? Darkness. The shadows.
-[Sax] Amanda? -Nick.
[Isabella] There’s something living in your mind, Blue.
-[roar] -[grunts]
Orcus, god of death.
With Isabella dead, you will have no escape.
-[squeals manically] -[screaming]
So let me get this right, you want me to kill you?
If I die, he dies.
What the hell? [grunts]
-[groans] -[klaxon blares]
I love you.
[both scream]
[birdsong]
[chuckles]
Heaven? [breathes heavily]
[distant lowing of cattle]
[door opens and hinges creak]
[breathes heavily]
[banjo plays]
Don't you smite me!
I had no choice!
You know, men have cowed before me with no fights at all.
Men have offered me their wives.
Men have offered me the eyes of their most loved child.
But you... you went out on your own terms, didn’t you?
Well done, Scaramucci.
Well done.
So, you're not going to torture me for all of eternity?
No. I’ve got to get back upstairs, you know.
But we're dead.
Oh, Blue, you silly man. Your plan didn't actually work.
[inhales] No, you see, our body survived the fall, but...
Okay, this is where it gets a little complicated,
but, basically, only one of us could survive with it.
One of us had to die.
[both scream]
[crash and squelching]
[inhales and laughs]
Ah!
[cheesy Easter Bunny song plays]
[Gala] Honey, you're home.
[Blue] Oh, my God!
[gags]
-[whimpers] -Oh, no. Whiskers?
That smell.
[sniffs]
Welcome home, boo.
No.
We've been waiting for you.
[sobs and screams]
[offbeat modern music plays]
[Sax] Amanda!
Nick!
-[Sax] What the fuck are you doing here? -It is you.
-Yeah. -I could tell.
I could taste you on the air, like a fire burning in winter.
Okay.
-Dance with me, Nick. -I’d rather not. Um...
[Amanda] Remember the first time we danced together?
-No. Hey, we got to get out of here. -[giggles] Our bodies just fit.
Heroin? Coke? PCP?
[giggles] Life and love!
Molly... What did Sonny Shine do to you?
It's good for the baby.
-[groaning] -Uh...
Okay... No.
-Get the fuck off me. -[grunts]
Say that one more time.
I'm pregnant.
Who's the father?
I don't know!
[squealing in background]
-[TV host] Five, four, three... -Is it safe to come out yet?
-[Sax sighs] -That was quick.
Consider it a compliment. [pants]
[TV host] Happy New Year!
-[offbeat dance music] -Well, well, well, Nick Sax.
The stork is bringing us a beautiful, bouncing, special something.
-This is a blessed moment for all of us. -[background moaning]
But mostly me.
[grunts angrily]
Hey. Get out of my fucking way.
[Mr. Bug cackles maniacally]
Keep him away from the baby.
[groans]
[grunts] Give me that!
One move and you'll be picking preemie out of your teeth for a month.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, but I would.
Because if Nick Sax is anything, he's 100% pro-choice.
[Wishees grunt sinisterly]
[Sax] That’s right.
[pants] Hate to be leaving so soon, but as they say, don't throw an orgy
if you’re not willing to get fucked. [pants]
[grunts angrily]
[inhales deeply]
Last night was everything to me.
[coughs and hacks]
Yowsers!
I don't wake up looking like a doll, Happy.
Guess I have a lot to learn about women, but at least I have a great teacher.
How's about we start with some hotcakes? You know, carb up for another round.
Oh. Got to get to the pasture.
Those retard sheep'll wander off a cliff if I'm not there.
Well, you're not supposed to say that.
You already got laid. Knock off the "aw, shucks" routine.
This thing keeps those furry fucks in line.
[cackles and coughs]
-Can I see you tonight or tomorrow? -Mm.
-Maybe this weekend? -Well...
-What does your Memorial Day look like? -[sighs]
You're as green as a frog with chlamydia, aren't you?
Well, it's just... last night was so special.
It was... fine.
You're a sweet kid, Happy. I'll give you a call.
It's so white in here.
Yeah, white.
Yes, please.
[pants]
What the fuck...
What about the baby? What are you doing?
Give me that.
-[glass clunks and smashes] -[groans]
-[laughs] -Son of a bitch.
[Sax sighs]
[Sax grunts and gasps]
Now, look, I’m going to go upstairs. You stay put.
[gasps]
[whispers] Look at that.
[Amanda gasps]
Oh! It's like a harp.
I know. I play it all the time. Have fun. I’ll be right back down.
A little privacy!
Where the hell have you been?
Hey, pal, you're the one who gave me the slip
outside that dingbat detective's bathroom.
Are you smoking now?
I'm a man. I can do what I want.
-What did you just say? -That's right.
I met a lady friend last night, shared some drinks, shared some laughs,
then, well, I don't want to kiss and tell.
Did you get a little stank on the hang down?
We made love, Nick.
It was tender. We wept.
Well, I did.
Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo for you.
While you were out...
fornicating, with what I hope was another imaginary friend
and not a... mouse, or a pineapple, or something...
[inhales] I had a psychotropic breakdown, went to an orgy,
uh, found out Smoothie's alive, working for Sonny Shine,
and... kidnapped a Wishee. Spoiler alert. They're monsters.
Now, I would love to sit here and gab about your sex life all day long,
like a horny old lady on cable TV, but did I mention,
I got Amanda downstairs, whacked out of her fucking skull?
And pregnant. See you down there.
[receding footsteps]
What are you doing?
Having a daydream...
-Okay. -...that this was our home...
together.
[inhales] Nick and Amanda.
Arlo and Marie.
[laughs]
Oh, yeah, Arlo and Marie.
I forgot about that.
For a long time, I could only remember the bad things about you...
the drinking, the drugs, the affair.
I thought I had enough anger to last a lifetime, but...
I'm looking at you right now and I can't find it anywhere inside me.
I forgive you.
[Sax sighs]
You're high as Gibraltar.
That doesn't mean I don't mean it.
It kind of does.
Do you care?
Well, if you put... Um...
Okay, yeah, okay. Shh.
Heel. All right, down.
-Wow, tugging there. Look, Amanda-- -[Hailey] Mom?
-Uh... -[giggles]
Oh, hey! Hailey! Amanda, it’s Hailey.
Uh, how the hell are you?
Wha... What's going on?
Huh? Nothing.
Uh, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Why aren't you at, uh, Grandma's?
She fell asleep.
I'm so glad you're here.
-I missed you so much. -Yeah.
[whispers] Hey, don’t mention the pregnancy.
-[whispers] Our little secret. -Yeah.
Guess who's going to be a big sister!
I'm going to be what?
Is it yours?
Huh? Oh, we're, uh, still working out those details.
I know I've let you down a lot lately and I'm so sorry.
You probably thought I was losing my mind, but now I know that it's the hormones,
I can deal with it and we can be a happy family...
all of us.
Do you want to come help me in the kitchen?
[Mer sighs]
[distant chatter of inmates]
Assunta Bianchi.
Detective.
You were the last person to visit Blue...
killed his sister.
Blue, Sonny Shine, Disco Mikey...
[inhales] I know it's all tied up together.
I just can't figure out how.
I wonder.
Can I tell you? This skeptic woman.
I wonder if you think Assunta is crazy.
After everything I have seen in the last 48 hours,
there is nothing you could tell me that would sound crazy.
[chuckles]
[laughs uproariously]
[woman] Down through the ages,
idols have risen up from humble beginnings to inspire us.
These were the targets of Orcus, the god of death.
Each was visited at their moment of greatest need by his lemures...
strange, shapeless creatures from the underworld,
born to do the bidding of Orcus.
Fucking Wishees.
Idols have risen up...
and just when their light seems to shine the brightest...
[gunshot]
-each... -[crashing]
...was...
[gunshot]
...taken away.
[screaming and yelling]
And now it's happening again.
[gunshot]
A new idol has risen to bring joy to the world.
-[TV announcer] Sonny Shine! -[laughter]
[woman] And on Easter day, the pattern will repeat.
The idol will be struck down, tragically, in the eyes of millions.
[roar of crowd]
The god of death is going to kill Sonny Shine on national TV.
By killing Sonny, he kills hope...
scars a whole generation and feeds off their pain.
[distant chatter of inmates]
[sighs]
Well, I guess it's a good thing Blue's still locked up in a high security prison.
Oh, boy.
About that...
[Warden Kilpatrick] Half-decaf, half-black, with an extra shot...
and a red velvet banana cake-pop.
Por favor.
Merci.
[car door bangs]
[grunts softly and sighs]
Shit.
Goddamn it.
[slurps]
Where the fuck is everybody?!
[upbeat pop music playing over headphones]
[volume of music rises]
[Orcus] ♪ We can see dancing along the clear gulfs ♪
♪ With silver highlights ♪
♪ The sea changing reflections ♪
♪ Under the rain ♪
Help!
Help! Oh!
Humperdonk! Humperdonk!
Flobert! Oh!
Babaloon! Babaloon!
[pants]
[gibbers angrily and whimpers]
You know, if I wanted you dead...
I'd have already made you bugger yourself with that poker.
[pants] Why are you talking like Elton John?
Oh, sorry! [inhales deeply]
Mr. Bug! [inhales deeply]
Please don't hurt me, Mr...
Is that better?
Much, yeah.
Blue...
is dead, Louis.
You're Blue.
No, no, no. I'm Orcus.
And I am so very excited... to finally make your acquaintance.
[cork pops]
Champagne?
We've got a new bouncing bundle of joy on the way...
don't we?
But the mother-to-be, she's run off.
[pants softly]
How did you know?
Now, to show that I've come in peace...
I'm going to retrieve Miss Hansen for you.
That’s impossible.
Her ex is a super soldier.
He must do bar method, like every day.
Oh, dear.
Well...
[glasses clink]
there is strength in numbers.
[upbeat dance music plays and excited chattering]
-Yeah! -[grunting]
[excited chatting and yelling]
[Orcus] And my friends here,
they really don't mind getting their hands dirty.
[men grunt and shout]
[cheering and whooping]
[scrape of pan]
-[squeaks] -Where the hell do you think you're going?
-Out. -Out where?
To look for Bo Peep.
The hell you are. You're going to be here.
We’re going to have a family lunch like normal people.
-You're not the boss of me. -I’m--
What if I don't want to be a part of this family?
You don't get to pick your family, Hap. Somehow, Hailey had you... invented you.
It doesn’t matter. You're stuck here with us. [inhales]
-And by the way. -What?
-Forget about it. -What? Say it. It's about Bo, isn't it?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you, pal.
-Whatever. -Whatever, yeah.
[squeaks]
You’re going to sit there and pretend to have lunch with this family!
Fine, but I'm going to listen to my beats.
-[pop music plays over headphones] -Turn down that... [sighs]
Ta-ra!
Oh!
Looks like a pile of puke!
And, uh... what is it that you call this tasty dish?
Orange juice risotto.
[sighs]
[coughs and gags]
-[whispers] Tangy. -[giggles]
-Glad you like it, Arlo. -Mm-hm.
Why do you keep calling him Arlo?
Didn't I ever tell you about the time I lost my wedding ring?
You never talked about Dad.
[Amanda] Well, your dad took me to eat crabs by the Jersey shore
and I banged my finger with one of those mallets.
So, I had to take my wedding ring off so I could run it under cold water
and I forgot my ring in the bathroom!
The restaurant, they said that no one had found it, but... I smelled a rat.
Your dad checked the log and found the woman
who was cleaning the bathroom that day, then he scoured the pawn shops
in her neighborhood until he found my wedding ring.
But I was too late because... [inhales]
the ring had already been sold to one Arlo Jeffers.
So, I paid him an official police visit...
and told him the property had been stolen and he should return it...
[crunching]
...to its rightful owners.
And, uh, unfortunately, he’d already had it engraved.
It read: "Arlo plus Marie."
"Love forever."
Uh, I'm feeling a little flushed from all that cooking.
I'm going to go splash some water on my face. BRB.
[receding footsteps]
[sighs]
[door closes]
[chuckles]
Yeah, I thought so. Look, your mom and I will do the dishes.
-Why don't you go upstairs and watch TV? -It's okay. I'll help you.
No, no. I insist. I’ll tell you what, today is... "no chores for you day".
In fact, once your mom and I are done, I, uh... I’ll take you for a malted.
-I don't know what that is. -Well, then, you're going to find out.
[chuckles]
Go follow her.
Go and follow her.
Oh, really?
I don't get to listen to any more of your sappy stories?
I'm going to feed you to a Rottweiler.
[hisses]
I...
-[Amanda] All better! -Hey!
Where's Hailey?
-Where is it? -What, Nick?
-Well, what do we have here? -Give that back.
[both grunt]
What the...?
[Amanda grunts]
Christ!
You got a lot of nerve taking my shit from me!
You were a junkie for half of our marriage!
That's why I stopped loving you.
That's why I never wanted you around Hailey 'cause you were a loser!
Jesus Christ, it's like being married to Johnny Depp.
[Amanda pants]
No!
Get off me!
I'm going back to Sonny.
He's more of a man than you'll ever be.
So, you've seen his penis.
[Amanda screams]
[grunts]
Your mom's a little bit sick right now.
Um, not in her body, but, uh, in her head.
[mumbles]
But probably soon in her body too.
Uh, not serious... although it’s very serious.
So, we just need to treat her gently and show her tough love.
Got it?
Oh, hell, let me just show you.
Oh! Hi, honey!
-She's fine. -I'm fine.
Yeah. So I need you to watch her for a sec while I take care of... some business.
-Think you can do that? -Uh-huh.
Atta girl.
Okay.
You look quite striking, Louis.
Penguin suits really aren’t my thing, but I do, don't I?
It's my wife's.
She played Joel Grey in the unauthorized Cabaret story.
Hm.
I do think you're going to enjoy this opera.
[sings from Gounod's "Faust"]
-Mephistopheles is trying to tempt Faust. -[game bleeps on telephone]
He offers to make the old scholar young again,
but only in exchange for the old man’s so...
[bleeping continues]
Stop.
[stops singing]
Give it.
[groans]
This is high art.
The highest.
But no, you’d rather play... what is it?
-Critter Crush? -I was about to enter the Centimorph Maze.
You are going to die one day.
That is the only certainty that you will ever have.
All humans are armed with this knowledge,
but most of you just piss your time away playing video games,
watching sports.
Fame.
-Yes, what about it? -I can give it to you.
No, I'm a pretty big deal already, Mucus.
Orcus.
Tomato, potato.
Your name can stand beside those of...
Kangaroo, Rogers, The Wiggles.
[chuckles]
Or it can stand amongst the greats...
Lincoln, Lennon, King.
Diana.
Oh, now we're talking.
[Sonny sighs]
I like this guy way better than that other guy.
Well...
a great man like yourself deserves a better class of chum.
Don't you think?
Please.
[woman sings from "Gounod's Faust"]
You sit on this spot. You do not move.
You see anyone coming, you get me.
You hear a strange noise, a dog howling, a car door slamming, you get me.
-You got it? -Got it.
Good. Questions?
-Just one. -Go.
[whimpers] Why hasn't she called me?
[Happy groans and whimpers]
-Did she say she’d call? -Yeah. We...
We had an amazing night, but she had to get to work early.
So she told me she'd call and... [sighs]
Hey, hey, come here, buddy. Sit down.
[sighs] Now I know I'm going to regret asking this. [inhales]
-How was it? -How was what? The lovemaking?
Please stop saying that.
It's earth shattering. It’s mind bending!
Who knew so much excitement, so much joy and emotion,
could be packed into one intense minute?
One minute?
Is that bad?
It is the second smallest measure of time on Earth.
Well, maybe there were a few snags.
My eye!
I swear, this has never happened before. I had too much candy.
Ouch! I said watch the teeth!
[grunts] I can't help it. I'm all teeth!
That... that’s horrifying.
Yeah, you're telling me.
Yeah, look, but hey, it’s happened to the best of us.
I don't care about the best of us! I care about Bo Peep!
Oh, God. Stop, all right? All right, listen. You want my advice?
Love life advice from the guy whose wife is bound and gagged in our basement?
First of all, take it down a notch with the attitude.
Second of all, forget about Bo.
Get out there, find a fine piece of imaginary ass and tap it hard!
I... I don't get it.
Hap, years from now,
you'll be eating a bucket of fried chicken, watching a terrible rom-com,
rented from your local Hollywood Video with your wife.
You'll excuse yourself to go to the bathroom
and promptly stalk Bo on social media.
Now, with any luck, her boyfriend won't be wildly successful,
handsome, hung like a mule.
The point is... [inhales] it'll all be water under the bridge soon enough.
So, in the meantime,
why not put our heads down and focus on our work?
What work?
Looking out that window.
Sometimes I wish we could just go back to the way things used to be.
You know, before...
everything happened.
I wish that, too...
all the time.
We were good when it was just the two us, weren't we?
Our biggest problem was figuring out what movie to watch?
And then you'd put all your M&Ms in the popcorn and they’d get all gooey.
You thought that was gross.
I miss it.
I want to do it all again.
Me, too.
Maybe things can be that way again without anyone getting in our way.
-How? -Let's get out of here.
Just the two of us.
We'll move far away and no one will ever bother us.
I just need you to untie me.
You're doing the right thing, baby.
You can trust me. If you can't trust your parents, who can you trust?
What is it?
Uh... all you've done is lie to me.
-Yeah, but I explained-- -From the beginning.
Before all this.
-You never told me about dad. -Well, that was for your own good.
Hailey Louise Hansen, you get over here right now and get these off me.
And this is for your own good. Dad says so.
Oh, your wonderful dad...
who abandoned us...
penniless and alone...
who doesn't care about us,
who's a drunk, an addict, a killer!
I sacrificed everything for you and this is how you thank me?
[Sax] Hailey.
[Amanda exhales]
Go upstairs.
-[Amanda] Let me go! -No.
Upstairs now.
Go on.
You can't keep me down here tied up like a dog.
No? Why? What are you going to do?
Run back to Sonny Shine?
Go get high with the man who kidnapped your own daughter?
Sonny Shine kidnapped me?
Answer. Did Sonny Shine kidnap me?
Tell her, Nick.
Yeah.
Why isn't he in jail?
Sometimes bad guys don't get caught.
Why didn't you tell me?
I thought I was doing what was best for you.
Oh, you know what's best for me?
You don't know anything about me.
-Nick? -Shut up!
Not you, not you. Him.
I hate you both.
-[Sax] Hailey! -Great work, Daddy.
No wonder she hates you.
-[Happy] Nick! Nick! -What the fuck do you want, Happy?
[Sax] Hailey!
Hailey!
What the...
Oh, shit!
[grunting and yelling]
[man screams]
[grunting and groaning]
[yells]
[grunts]
[grunting and groaning]
-[Sax yells manically] -[grunting]
Oh! [groans]
Happy! Hailey ran off! Follow her!
[grunting and groaning]
[pants] Hailey!
[footsteps descending stairs]
[yelling and grunting]
Later, sucker.
[grunting and groaning]
[slow-motion yelling]
[Sax groans]
[Sax yells]
[bones crunch]
[music: "Forever" by the Dandy Warhols]
[grunting]
[swish of hammer and squelching]
[groaning]
[slow-motion groaning]
[slow-motion yelling]
[cheesy Easter Bunny song plays]
[clicking]
[bleeping]
[Wishees grunt sinisterly]
[Smoothie] Where am I?
OMG.
Better than I could have ever dreamed.
[Smoothie exhales deeply]
[breathes heavily] What have you done to me?
-Like a bunny. -[groans]
-Like a big, big bunny. -No.
Oh, I love, love, love...
-[breathes deeply and whimpers] -Oh.
The plans I have for you.
Mm!
[gasps softly] You’re insane.
[Sonny] Who me? [cackles insanely]
[Smoothie gasps and pants]
-Maybe. -[Smoothie gasps]
[door closes]
[breathes heavily]
[equipment bleeps]
[grunts]
[groans and pants]
[breathes heavily]
Oh!
[breathes heavily]
[grunts]
[breathes heavily]
[Wishees grunt sinisterly]
Are you talking to me?
[Wishees grunt sinisterly]
Who’s Orcus?
[door slams]
Oh-ho, you got a lot of nerve just... just strutting in here like Travolta.
What... What is that?
That conjunctivitis?
Someone been farting on your face?
You know, it should be you in here, looking like an orangutan.
All you had to do was just get rid of some kids, just one job.
But no, you was out gallivanting.
Where? Why? How?
-What? -I was told to come see you.
Told? Told by who?
I don't really know.
Yeah, well, you've seen me.
Now, get lost.
Get lost. Take a walk. Fuck off.
[groans]
[sinister grunt]
[as Orcus] Just a moment, please.
Please sit down.
I beg you, please.
You've met my friends.
[sinister grunt]
They told me you were coming to see me.
They like you.
So do I.
I think that one... or both of us, might be having a schizophrenic episode.
[Orcus chuckles]
We are about to embark on a long journey, you and I...
a journey that will affect the history of mankind.
And not for the better.
We're going to kill Sonny Shine.
How does that sound?
Go on.
[knocking]
[sobs softly]
There, there, little lamb.
Come inside.
Oh, hell no!
[pants] Nick! Nick!
Nick!
Nick? Nick!
[Sax groans]
-Nick, you're alive! -[Sax grunts]
[pants]
Where's Hailey?
It's bad, Nick. She's with the bunny-eye guy!
[door hinges creak]
[gun clicks]
[glugs greedily]
Guess this means we’re off the wagon.
You’re goddamned right.
[cocks gun]