1 00:00:00,966 --> 00:00:02,494 Everyone, check your email. 2 00:00:02,495 --> 00:00:05,393 The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened. 3 00:00:05,394 --> 00:00:07,626 The girl who beat you for High School valedictorian died? 4 00:00:07,627 --> 00:00:10,215 No, "Kevin Cozner requests your presence 5 00:00:10,216 --> 00:00:11,939 at Raymond's birthday party." 6 00:00:11,940 --> 00:00:13,659 Who's Kevin Cozner? 7 00:00:13,660 --> 00:00:16,428 Is he the star of "Danzes with Wolvez?" 8 00:00:16,463 --> 00:00:18,864 He's Captain Holt's husband. Captain Raymond Holt. 9 00:00:18,865 --> 00:00:20,432 We're invited to the Captain's birthday party. 10 00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:22,701 Oh, the Captain's party and whatnot. 11 00:00:22,702 --> 00:00:24,937 I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. 12 00:00:24,938 --> 00:00:27,106 I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him. 13 00:00:27,107 --> 00:00:30,776 I bet it's really fancy, like Beauty and the Beast fancy. 14 00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:32,945 No, it's probably just an empty, white cube 15 00:00:32,946 --> 00:00:34,646 with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in 16 00:00:34,647 --> 00:00:36,348 when he's on sleep mode. 17 00:00:36,383 --> 00:00:39,618 Apparently, my husband Kevin has invited you all to my party. 18 00:00:39,619 --> 00:00:41,320 There is very little street parking, no gifts, 19 00:00:41,321 --> 00:00:44,623 no singing of Happy Birthday. Should be fun. 20 00:00:44,624 --> 00:00:47,092 Sounds fantastic. 21 00:00:47,127 --> 00:00:51,130 Did you hear that? His husband invited us, not him. 22 00:00:51,131 --> 00:00:52,097 He so doesn't want us there. 23 00:00:52,132 --> 00:00:53,532 Yes, he does. 24 00:00:53,533 --> 00:00:56,368 Mm, it was kind of a last-minute invite. 25 00:00:56,369 --> 00:00:57,870 Just stirring the pot. 26 00:00:57,904 --> 00:00:59,405 Why wouldn't Holt want us there? 27 00:00:59,406 --> 00:01:00,973 Because he thinks we're going to embarrass him 28 00:01:00,974 --> 00:01:04,309 in front of his husband, which, frankly, is insulting! 29 00:01:04,310 --> 00:01:05,978 Oh, man. 30 00:01:05,979 --> 00:01:08,347 All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal. 31 00:01:08,381 --> 00:01:12,120 Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/ 32 00:01:12,121 --> 00:01:17,383 ♪ 33 00:01:28,401 --> 00:01:29,735 [knock at door] 34 00:01:29,769 --> 00:01:32,004 Happy Birthday, you sly, old fox. 35 00:01:32,005 --> 00:01:33,839 How many spankings is it this year? 36 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,375 Peralta, please. Save some charm for the party. 37 00:01:36,376 --> 00:01:38,744 Oh, you mean the party that you begrudgingly invited us to 38 00:01:38,778 --> 00:01:40,579 at the last minute 'cause you don't want us there? 39 00:01:40,613 --> 00:01:42,014 I couldn't be happier you're coming. 40 00:01:42,015 --> 00:01:44,116 And it shows. I can't wait to meet Kevin. 41 00:01:44,117 --> 00:01:46,185 I assume he's the fun one in the relationship. 42 00:01:46,186 --> 00:01:48,520 I'm not sure you and Kevin will get along. 43 00:01:48,521 --> 00:01:50,456 Really? Well, I disagree. 44 00:01:50,457 --> 00:01:53,158 In fact, I will guarantee you that by the end of the night, 45 00:01:53,193 --> 00:01:55,194 Kev and I will be best friends. 46 00:01:55,228 --> 00:01:56,528 He hates being called "Kev." 47 00:01:56,529 --> 00:01:59,031 Or does he? Yes. 48 00:01:59,032 --> 00:02:00,899 [Grunts] Bam! 49 00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:03,535 Behold, my secret weapon for winning over Kevin. 50 00:02:03,570 --> 00:02:05,704 In this box is every grisly crime 51 00:02:05,738 --> 00:02:07,806 the nine-nine has worked in the past eight years. 52 00:02:07,807 --> 00:02:10,275 Civilians love juicy cop stories. 53 00:02:10,310 --> 00:02:11,910 Oh, I call that murder where they strung 54 00:02:11,945 --> 00:02:13,412 fishing wire through three guys. 55 00:02:13,446 --> 00:02:14,880 Hey, we solved that together. 56 00:02:14,881 --> 00:02:16,782 Well, tough Tetris. I called it. 57 00:02:16,783 --> 00:02:19,585 Also, I've loaded all of my favorite karaoke backing tracks 58 00:02:19,586 --> 00:02:21,253 onto my phone. 59 00:02:21,254 --> 00:02:23,455 Kevin and I will be duetting Rolling in the Deep! 60 00:02:23,490 --> 00:02:25,491 That's it, emergency squad meeting, 61 00:02:25,492 --> 00:02:27,226 briefing room, two minutes. 62 00:02:29,762 --> 00:02:31,330 (Jake) Uh, adult parties? 63 00:02:31,331 --> 00:02:33,665 Sergeant, I believe they're called orgies. 64 00:02:33,666 --> 00:02:35,067 No-look five. 65 00:02:35,101 --> 00:02:36,602 I met my wife at an orgy. 66 00:02:36,636 --> 00:02:38,837 Well, she was leaving an orgy, 67 00:02:38,838 --> 00:02:40,906 and we bumped into each other on the street. 68 00:02:40,907 --> 00:02:42,574 Real meet-cute. 69 00:02:42,609 --> 00:02:46,078 Thank you for exhibiting exactly why this meeting is necessary. 70 00:02:46,079 --> 00:02:48,113 Everyone here needs some instruction 71 00:02:48,114 --> 00:02:50,249 on interacting with grown-ups. 72 00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:51,650 Sergeant, why am I here? 73 00:02:51,651 --> 00:02:53,418 I'm always incredibly appropriate. 74 00:02:53,419 --> 00:02:55,787 In High School, I was voted "most appropriate." 75 00:02:55,788 --> 00:02:58,357 Ooh, self burn. Those are rare. 76 00:02:58,358 --> 00:03:00,792 I shouldn't be here either. I'm fine at parties. 77 00:03:00,793 --> 00:03:03,262 I just stand in the middle of the room and don't say anything. 78 00:03:03,296 --> 00:03:05,364 Here are the rules: No staring at your phones, 79 00:03:05,365 --> 00:03:06,965 no rolling in two hours late. 80 00:03:06,966 --> 00:03:10,002 No sweatpants, no jeans, and no shorts. 81 00:03:10,036 --> 00:03:11,603 What about dress-up shorts? 82 00:03:11,604 --> 00:03:13,438 For instance, the kind Jen Aniston might wear? 83 00:03:13,473 --> 00:03:17,543 No, those are still shorts. No shorts. 84 00:03:17,544 --> 00:03:19,111 And everyone bring a bottle of wine. 85 00:03:19,112 --> 00:03:20,646 Why are there so many rules? I mean, next thing 86 00:03:20,647 --> 00:03:22,414 you're gonna say is we can't be late. 87 00:03:22,448 --> 00:03:24,316 Yeah, that's, like, the first thing I said. 88 00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:26,952 Ohh. 89 00:03:28,388 --> 00:03:29,655 This neighborhood's amazing. 90 00:03:29,689 --> 00:03:32,457 Class just seeps outta every vestibule. 91 00:03:32,458 --> 00:03:35,027 Keep it in your pants, Santiago. 92 00:03:35,061 --> 00:03:37,396 Scully, I specifically said, "no shorts." 93 00:03:37,397 --> 00:03:39,131 Sarge, it's not my fault. 94 00:03:39,132 --> 00:03:41,466 You said so many things about shorts, I got confused. 95 00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:43,202 Man, did I screw the pooch. 96 00:03:43,203 --> 00:03:44,203 Oh. Peralta, 97 00:03:44,204 --> 00:03:45,537 where have you been? 98 00:03:45,538 --> 00:03:47,139 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, 99 00:03:47,140 --> 00:03:50,209 I am threety-five minutes late. Yikes! 100 00:03:50,210 --> 00:03:52,144 But I had to stop and get some wine. 101 00:03:52,178 --> 00:03:56,148 Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please. 102 00:03:56,182 --> 00:03:58,550 That will be $1,600. 103 00:03:58,585 --> 00:04:01,700 Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please. 104 00:04:01,721 --> 00:04:04,856 It's from the finest vineyard in Arkansas. 105 00:04:04,891 --> 00:04:06,825 [Chuckles] 106 00:04:06,826 --> 00:04:08,727 Ah, samesies! 107 00:04:08,761 --> 00:04:09,962 [Laughter] 108 00:04:09,996 --> 00:04:12,164 [Soft piano music playing] 109 00:04:12,165 --> 00:04:13,332 Wow. 110 00:04:13,366 --> 00:04:15,334 Wow. 111 00:04:15,335 --> 00:04:16,635 Ah, welcome. 112 00:04:16,669 --> 00:04:17,669 (All) Captain. 113 00:04:17,670 --> 00:04:19,338 Raymond! 114 00:04:19,339 --> 00:04:21,506 Those slacks are a knockout. 115 00:04:21,507 --> 00:04:22,841 Come on, Amy. 116 00:04:22,842 --> 00:04:24,509 I trust you found my home easy to locate, 117 00:04:24,510 --> 00:04:26,345 and thank you all for wearing appropriate footwear. 118 00:04:26,346 --> 00:04:28,046 Wow, you really let your hair down 119 00:04:28,047 --> 00:04:29,514 when you're not at the office. 120 00:04:29,515 --> 00:04:32,184 Ah, detectives, meet my husband, Kevin. 121 00:04:32,185 --> 00:04:33,418 Nice to meet you. Hi. 122 00:04:33,419 --> 00:04:35,621 Evening, so glad you could make it. 123 00:04:35,622 --> 00:04:38,690 Ah, and look, he brought us some wine. 124 00:04:38,691 --> 00:04:41,226 "Drink." This is legally called "wine drink." 125 00:04:41,261 --> 00:04:43,562 Hmm, how very thoughtful. Thank you. 126 00:04:43,563 --> 00:04:45,864 It's red. Like blood. 127 00:04:45,865 --> 00:04:47,199 You know, I worked a double homicide 128 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,400 on this block a couple years ago. 129 00:04:48,401 --> 00:04:50,068 The details will astound you. 130 00:04:50,069 --> 00:04:51,370 Yes, I am sorry. 131 00:04:51,371 --> 00:04:52,537 Perhaps Raymond didn't say anything. 132 00:04:52,538 --> 00:04:54,573 Our home has a "no shoptalk" policy. 133 00:04:54,574 --> 00:04:55,907 I don't bring home Beowulf, 134 00:04:55,908 --> 00:04:57,242 and he doesn't bring home cop stories. 135 00:04:57,243 --> 00:04:59,444 Ah. So may I pour you 136 00:04:59,479 --> 00:05:01,780 some of this wine drink you brought us? 137 00:05:01,781 --> 00:05:03,715 Perhaps all of it? 138 00:05:03,716 --> 00:05:05,951 All of it sounds good. 139 00:05:07,387 --> 00:05:09,087 Actually, Ray and I met over the phone. 140 00:05:09,088 --> 00:05:10,289 Oh, they've all heard the story. 141 00:05:10,323 --> 00:05:12,224 No, we haven't, and we need to. 142 00:05:12,225 --> 00:05:14,393 Well, Ray was a source for an article I was writing 143 00:05:14,394 --> 00:05:15,560 for The New Yorker. 144 00:05:15,561 --> 00:05:17,262 I asked him a series of dry questions 145 00:05:17,263 --> 00:05:19,898 about police work, and his answers had me in stitches. 146 00:05:19,899 --> 00:05:21,233 There's no one funnier than Ray Holt. 147 00:05:21,234 --> 00:05:22,734 Amen. There isn't? 148 00:05:22,735 --> 00:05:23,969 (Holt) We met for a drink that night, 149 00:05:23,970 --> 00:05:24,970 and we've been together ever since. 150 00:05:24,971 --> 00:05:26,571 Yeah. 151 00:05:26,606 --> 00:05:28,640 So, Kevin, I hear you're a Professor at Columbia? 152 00:05:28,675 --> 00:05:30,542 That's right, yes. I head the classics department. 153 00:05:30,576 --> 00:05:32,511 Ah, interesting, classics. 154 00:05:32,512 --> 00:05:37,849 Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard. Total classics head over here. 155 00:05:37,850 --> 00:05:41,019 I'm joking, obviously. I know what the classics are. 156 00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:44,323 The Odyssey and... the one you said when we got here, 157 00:05:44,324 --> 00:05:46,258 the wolf one. 158 00:05:46,259 --> 00:05:47,592 (Holt) Kevin, why don't we go mingle 159 00:05:47,627 --> 00:05:50,225 and let the detectives settle in? 160 00:05:51,798 --> 00:05:53,665 Boyle, what happened to your shirt? 161 00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:55,667 I spilled a wonderful winter salsa. 162 00:05:55,668 --> 00:05:57,703 Here, wear my shirt. I was gonna take it off anyway. 163 00:05:57,704 --> 00:05:59,271 Hitchcock, no! 164 00:05:59,272 --> 00:06:00,939 (Terry) Boyle, take my sweater. 165 00:06:02,842 --> 00:06:05,444 Fits really well. We have similar physiques. 166 00:06:05,445 --> 00:06:07,045 We've been here all of four minutes, 167 00:06:07,046 --> 00:06:09,815 and you guys have already forgotten everything I said! 168 00:06:09,849 --> 00:06:12,084 Party huddle, stat! 169 00:06:12,118 --> 00:06:14,619 Okay, gang, we need a new strategy. 170 00:06:14,654 --> 00:06:16,655 Totally. What is going on out there? 171 00:06:16,656 --> 00:06:19,157 We can't tell cop stories, Kevin doesn't find me charming, 172 00:06:19,192 --> 00:06:21,026 and a native English speaker referred to Captain Holt 173 00:06:21,027 --> 00:06:23,595 as "hilarious." I am flummoxed! 174 00:06:23,629 --> 00:06:26,164 That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it! 175 00:06:26,165 --> 00:06:28,233 Well, I'm doing fine. Really? 176 00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:30,135 "Raymond, those slacks are a knockout." 177 00:06:30,136 --> 00:06:31,436 (Amy) Do you think he heard that? 178 00:06:31,471 --> 00:06:32,504 Only 'cause you yelled it. 179 00:06:32,505 --> 00:06:33,772 Shut up. 180 00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:35,807 From now on, we play to our strengths. 181 00:06:35,808 --> 00:06:37,676 Charles, you know everything about food. 182 00:06:37,677 --> 00:06:39,010 That's all you talk about. 183 00:06:39,011 --> 00:06:40,212 I mean, I don't think anyone 184 00:06:40,213 --> 00:06:42,247 will ever know everything about food. 185 00:06:42,248 --> 00:06:43,515 It's an evolving discipline. 186 00:06:43,516 --> 00:06:44,883 That's great stuff. 187 00:06:44,917 --> 00:06:46,985 It's so boring. Don't waste it. 188 00:06:46,986 --> 00:06:48,653 Amy, you studied art history. 189 00:06:48,654 --> 00:06:49,855 That's interesting. 190 00:06:49,856 --> 00:06:51,656 Scully, opera. 191 00:06:51,657 --> 00:06:55,093 Hitchcock, nothing. Talk about nothing. 192 00:06:55,094 --> 00:06:56,995 Rosa, stick with Gina. 193 00:06:56,996 --> 00:06:58,764 Make sure she doesn't say anything insane 194 00:06:58,765 --> 00:06:59,764 or steal anything. 195 00:06:59,766 --> 00:07:01,566 Too late. [Chuckles] 196 00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:04,536 Don't worry, it's just, like, hats and scarves and stuff. 197 00:07:04,537 --> 00:07:06,838 She will put those back. I will handle the chitchat. 198 00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:08,373 Well, that just leaves you, Peralta. 199 00:07:08,408 --> 00:07:10,542 (Amy) What's your cultural specialty? 200 00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:12,177 Easy, Kevin mentioned The New Yorker, 201 00:07:12,178 --> 00:07:13,912 and I've totally read that. 202 00:07:13,946 --> 00:07:17,916 [Laughs] 203 00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:21,586 Keep a low profile, chuckle at anecdotes. 204 00:07:21,587 --> 00:07:23,288 Try not to start any conversations. 205 00:07:23,289 --> 00:07:24,756 Got it. 206 00:07:24,757 --> 00:07:27,025 Wait a minute, you're hitchcocking me? 207 00:07:27,026 --> 00:07:29,394 Well, not surprising. We're practically twins. 208 00:07:29,429 --> 00:07:32,364 "Be appropriate," on three. Quietly. 209 00:07:32,365 --> 00:07:34,366 One, two, three. 210 00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:37,035 [All whispering] Be appropriate. 211 00:07:37,069 --> 00:07:38,537 Now, break it up. We look weird. 212 00:07:38,571 --> 00:07:40,639 Okay. 213 00:07:44,076 --> 00:07:46,812 Don't move as a group. You're not gazelles. 214 00:07:51,297 --> 00:07:53,231 No, no, I said, "millimeters." 215 00:07:53,232 --> 00:07:54,432 [Laughter] 216 00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:55,967 [Mouthing] 217 00:07:56,002 --> 00:07:58,970 Oh, Ray, I'm gonna choke from laughter. 218 00:07:58,971 --> 00:08:00,305 You're too funny! 219 00:08:00,339 --> 00:08:01,673 [Laughter] 220 00:08:01,674 --> 00:08:05,076 Yes, great humor words, Raymond. 221 00:08:05,077 --> 00:08:07,145 You know, it reminds me of a very interesting article 222 00:08:07,146 --> 00:08:09,181 I read about human trafficking in The New Yorker. 223 00:08:09,182 --> 00:08:10,515 No, it doesn't. Oh. 224 00:08:10,550 --> 00:08:12,050 The one written by David Remnick. 225 00:08:12,051 --> 00:08:13,885 I loved that piece, from four weeks ago. 226 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,621 Or was it three weeks? No, four. 227 00:08:16,656 --> 00:08:18,824 Anyways, I was riveted. 228 00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:21,026 I'm a huge New Yorker guy. 229 00:08:21,027 --> 00:08:22,994 I could talk about that article for hours. 230 00:08:22,995 --> 00:08:24,162 Great. That's unnecessary. 231 00:08:24,163 --> 00:08:25,163 Let's do that right now. 232 00:08:25,164 --> 00:08:26,898 Let's do. 233 00:08:26,899 --> 00:08:29,534 Ah, there they are. Kevin, let's greet our guests. 234 00:08:29,535 --> 00:08:31,670 Oh. Mm-hmm. Duty calls. 235 00:08:32,839 --> 00:08:34,506 To be continued. 236 00:08:34,507 --> 00:08:37,242 Totes! Can't wait! 237 00:08:37,276 --> 00:08:39,010 [Whispering] I can wait. 238 00:08:39,011 --> 00:08:40,645 All I remember about that article is the title. 239 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,514 I was hopped up on nitrous. 240 00:08:42,515 --> 00:08:44,015 Well, we gotta find that magazine. 241 00:08:44,016 --> 00:08:45,383 It's gotta be in here somewhere, right? 242 00:08:45,384 --> 00:08:47,686 This place is like a candy store for nerds. 243 00:08:47,687 --> 00:08:50,889 Stop eating crab wrong! 244 00:08:52,792 --> 00:08:56,461 Ah, pepper relish on your arancini. 245 00:08:56,462 --> 00:08:58,430 Very playful. Cut through the richness, 246 00:08:58,464 --> 00:09:00,432 add a little levity. I love that. 247 00:09:00,466 --> 00:09:02,100 You really know your food. 248 00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:03,134 Well, you could say it's the only thing 249 00:09:03,135 --> 00:09:04,502 I'm allowed to talk about. 250 00:09:04,537 --> 00:09:06,838 I'm Charles. I work with Captain Holt. 251 00:09:06,873 --> 00:09:09,841 I'm Vivian Ludley. I work with Kevin. 252 00:09:09,876 --> 00:09:12,043 No. The Vivian Ludley? 253 00:09:12,044 --> 00:09:14,112 Author of Stone Fruits and Stone-Stones: 254 00:09:14,113 --> 00:09:17,215 Food of the Paleolithic Era? I'm a huge fan! 255 00:09:17,216 --> 00:09:19,684 It's got the best recipes for making salads out of moss. 256 00:09:19,719 --> 00:09:23,889 The trick is, you have to lean into the dirt taste. 257 00:09:23,923 --> 00:09:26,091 Aha. Mm-hmm. 258 00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:30,729 Chickpeas, tahini, smoked paprika... 259 00:09:30,730 --> 00:09:32,564 They make their own hummus. 260 00:09:32,565 --> 00:09:34,065 Santiago? 261 00:09:34,066 --> 00:09:35,065 Sergeant! 262 00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,835 I'm learning so much. 263 00:09:36,836 --> 00:09:39,905 We both have blue hand towels, we have the same microwave, 264 00:09:39,906 --> 00:09:42,741 and once I buy coasters made out of geodes, 265 00:09:42,742 --> 00:09:43,742 we'll both have those. 266 00:09:43,743 --> 00:09:45,243 [Laughs] Yeah. 267 00:09:45,278 --> 00:09:47,837 No, hey! My notes! 268 00:09:47,847 --> 00:09:50,649 This is a birthday party, not a recon mission. 269 00:09:50,650 --> 00:09:53,785 You can get this back at the end of the night. 270 00:09:53,786 --> 00:09:55,220 (Rosa) All right. 271 00:09:55,254 --> 00:09:56,421 Let's go interact with these dummies. 272 00:09:56,455 --> 00:09:57,756 Wait here. 273 00:09:59,759 --> 00:10:01,159 What do you teach? 274 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,527 Comparative historiography 275 00:10:02,528 --> 00:10:04,095 of the French and American revolutions. 276 00:10:04,130 --> 00:10:05,730 Nope. How 'bout you? 277 00:10:05,765 --> 00:10:07,265 Molecular biology. 278 00:10:07,266 --> 00:10:09,134 Worse. What do you study? 279 00:10:09,168 --> 00:10:10,936 Abnormal psychology. 280 00:10:10,970 --> 00:10:13,905 So, like, weirdos and freaks. 281 00:10:13,940 --> 00:10:15,173 You should meet my friend. 282 00:10:15,207 --> 00:10:18,009 Hey. 283 00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:19,945 Gina, what are you thinking about right now? 284 00:10:19,946 --> 00:10:23,949 I was thinking how I would make the perfect American President, 285 00:10:23,983 --> 00:10:28,820 based upon my skill set, dance ability, and bloodlust. 286 00:10:28,854 --> 00:10:32,123 That is fascinating. 287 00:10:32,124 --> 00:10:33,458 [Giggles] 288 00:10:33,459 --> 00:10:35,493 "Ah-shan-ti." 289 00:10:40,366 --> 00:10:44,302 Oh, man, it's black Tom Selleck and white Sidney Poitier. 290 00:10:44,337 --> 00:10:47,505 [Sighs] Come on. 291 00:10:47,506 --> 00:10:49,074 All books and no magazines? 292 00:10:49,075 --> 00:10:52,310 What kind of crappy library's full of books? 293 00:10:52,311 --> 00:10:54,245 A crap library. 294 00:10:54,246 --> 00:10:55,947 All of the magazines are in the bathroom. 295 00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:57,749 Great solve, Peralta. 296 00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,817 Ah! 297 00:10:58,818 --> 00:11:00,018 Can I help you? 298 00:11:00,019 --> 00:11:01,486 [Clears throat] Captain. 299 00:11:01,487 --> 00:11:03,555 I didn't hear you silently sneak up on me. 300 00:11:03,556 --> 00:11:06,424 Oh, that reminds me, tell Kevin that I am available for brunch 301 00:11:06,425 --> 00:11:07,425 on sunday the 17th. 302 00:11:07,426 --> 00:11:09,160 The 17th is a tuesday. 303 00:11:09,195 --> 00:11:12,397 Why are you talking about The New Yorker all of a sudden? 304 00:11:12,431 --> 00:11:13,999 I always talk about smart stuff. 305 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,835 You know, the jazz age, what's in a name, 306 00:11:16,836 --> 00:11:20,338 the 1950s movies that are from the '50s. 307 00:11:20,339 --> 00:11:23,408 Those were the categories on Jeopardy last night. 308 00:11:23,442 --> 00:11:24,876 Don't try so hard to impress my husband. 309 00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:26,878 Yes, sir. 310 00:11:29,181 --> 00:11:31,483 To the crap library. 311 00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:35,220 April 13th, may 2nd... 312 00:11:35,221 --> 00:11:38,356 Come on! Why doesn't my life always work out perfectly? 313 00:11:38,357 --> 00:11:39,758 [Knock at door] 314 00:11:39,759 --> 00:11:42,861 Uh, just a second! I'm halfway done! 315 00:11:42,862 --> 00:11:45,196 I'm halfway there, I'm halfway done... 316 00:11:45,197 --> 00:11:48,666 With what's happening in here. Okay. 317 00:11:48,701 --> 00:11:53,538 ♪ Una furtiva lagrima ♪ 318 00:11:53,539 --> 00:11:55,473 This song gets to me every time. 319 00:11:55,474 --> 00:11:57,942 It's beautiful. You must be so proud. 320 00:11:57,943 --> 00:11:59,277 I sure am. 321 00:11:59,311 --> 00:12:00,879 How long have you two been together? 322 00:12:00,913 --> 00:12:02,847 We've been partners for almost 30 years. 323 00:12:02,882 --> 00:12:05,550 So do you two ever get harassed at work? 324 00:12:05,551 --> 00:12:07,552 Harassed? For what? 325 00:12:07,586 --> 00:12:10,688 For being a gay couple who works together in the NYPD. 326 00:12:10,723 --> 00:12:14,526 Bu-u-u-ooh... 327 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:17,395 Peralta. Hey, don't you one-minute me. 328 00:12:17,430 --> 00:12:19,564 I will break that finger off. Hang up that phone. 329 00:12:19,565 --> 00:12:21,399 I'm talking to my credit card company. 330 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,134 I tried to get an online subscription to The New Yorker, 331 00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:24,602 and they declined me. 332 00:12:24,637 --> 00:12:26,571 Apparently, based on my previous purchases, 333 00:12:26,572 --> 00:12:27,939 they assumed it was fraud. 334 00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:29,741 That's crazy. I'm fancy. 335 00:12:29,742 --> 00:12:32,243 One time, I had coffee-flavored ice cream. 336 00:12:32,244 --> 00:12:33,611 Shut up! Okay. 337 00:12:33,612 --> 00:12:35,313 Hang up now. 338 00:12:35,314 --> 00:12:37,515 If you're that desperate, the first two paragraphs 339 00:12:37,516 --> 00:12:38,950 of the article are on the free site. 340 00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,752 Hmm. You have one minute to look it up, 341 00:12:40,786 --> 00:12:44,222 and then if I catch you on that phone again... 342 00:12:44,256 --> 00:12:46,424 Oh, my. Don't worry. 343 00:12:46,425 --> 00:12:49,811 I'm due for an upgrade, and my babies are on the cloud. 344 00:12:51,597 --> 00:12:53,431 He is so strong. 345 00:12:55,130 --> 00:12:56,364 Ah, thank you. 346 00:12:56,365 --> 00:12:57,866 Lovely party, Kevin. 347 00:12:57,867 --> 00:13:00,501 These tiny pickles are hilarious. 348 00:13:00,536 --> 00:13:04,205 They're called cornichon. 349 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,441 So that New Yorker article about human trafficking 350 00:13:06,475 --> 00:13:08,142 we were discussing... Yes, so interesting, 351 00:13:08,143 --> 00:13:10,411 especially the first two paragraphs. 352 00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:12,280 Right, but what did you think of the thesis, 353 00:13:12,281 --> 00:13:15,383 vis-a-vis modern slavery and its undeniable role in the economy? 354 00:13:15,417 --> 00:13:17,552 Good. 355 00:13:17,586 --> 00:13:19,988 If you ask me, the whole thesis was way off base, 356 00:13:19,989 --> 00:13:21,789 vis-a-vis the rest of the article 357 00:13:21,790 --> 00:13:25,226 vis-a-vis... America. 358 00:13:26,428 --> 00:13:28,263 The article was antislavery. 359 00:13:28,264 --> 00:13:30,064 Are you saying that slavery is good? 360 00:13:30,065 --> 00:13:31,499 You know, I think you're missing the point of the article. 361 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:32,979 You must not be remembering it right. 362 00:13:33,002 --> 00:13:34,969 Well, I just read it last night as I got in bed. 363 00:13:34,970 --> 00:13:35,937 It's quite fresh in my memory. 364 00:13:35,971 --> 00:13:37,805 Ah. You know, 365 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,474 I would like to hear more of your thoughts. 366 00:13:39,508 --> 00:13:41,309 And I would love to give them to you, 367 00:13:41,310 --> 00:13:43,711 but unfortunately, I have got to hit the crap library. 368 00:13:43,746 --> 00:13:46,314 Excuse me one second. 369 00:13:46,348 --> 00:13:48,850 My last meal on earth? Mm. 370 00:13:48,851 --> 00:13:50,251 That's a great question. 371 00:13:50,252 --> 00:13:53,488 I'd go classic French. Ortolan. 372 00:13:53,522 --> 00:13:56,257 Tiny songbird, eaten in a single bite, 373 00:13:56,258 --> 00:13:58,760 bones and all in open defiance of God. 374 00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,762 It's illegal to consume ortolan, 375 00:14:00,763 --> 00:14:04,165 but I actually got academic dispensation to eat one once. 376 00:14:04,199 --> 00:14:06,668 Ohh. The beak, very crunchy. 377 00:14:06,702 --> 00:14:10,438 That is literally the sexiest thing anyone has ever said. 378 00:14:10,472 --> 00:14:11,906 How are you single? 379 00:14:11,941 --> 00:14:15,276 You're not seeing anyone? 380 00:14:17,479 --> 00:14:20,815 No. There is nobody in my life. 381 00:14:22,785 --> 00:14:25,820 Sort of a sad thing to wink about, I realize now. 382 00:14:25,854 --> 00:14:27,722 Aren't you supposed to be babysitting Gina? 383 00:14:27,723 --> 00:14:29,357 Doesn't need my help. 384 00:14:29,358 --> 00:14:31,526 She's over there, dazzling some psychologists. 385 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,162 All men are at least 30% attracted to me. 386 00:14:34,163 --> 00:14:36,197 My mother cried the day I was born, 387 00:14:36,198 --> 00:14:39,200 because she knew she would never be better than me. 388 00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:41,703 At any given moment, I'm thinking about one thing: 389 00:14:41,737 --> 00:14:45,106 Richard dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food. 390 00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:48,042 I feel like I'm the Paris of people. 391 00:14:48,077 --> 00:14:50,712 (Gerard) Complete overlap of ego and ID. 392 00:14:50,713 --> 00:14:51,879 It's been theorized, 393 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,815 but I never thought I'd see it. 394 00:14:53,816 --> 00:14:54,894 I'm exquisite. 395 00:14:54,917 --> 00:14:56,617 [Laughs] 396 00:14:56,652 --> 00:15:00,955 [Both moaning] 397 00:15:00,990 --> 00:15:02,991 I can't believe I'm frenching in the closet. 398 00:15:02,992 --> 00:15:04,726 [Sighs] I feel like a teenager! 399 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,494 I feel like I'm 40 again. 400 00:15:06,495 --> 00:15:07,729 Chew on this shiso leaf. 401 00:15:07,730 --> 00:15:09,697 [Gasps] It'll give our kissing 402 00:15:09,698 --> 00:15:11,366 umami flavor. [Moans] 403 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,201 [Both moaning] 404 00:15:17,906 --> 00:15:20,008 Delicious. [Sighs] 405 00:15:21,377 --> 00:15:24,445 Time to put my newfound knowledge to the test. 406 00:15:24,446 --> 00:15:28,850 So, sir, popcorn setting, always too short, am I right? 407 00:15:28,851 --> 00:15:30,351 I'm sorry? 408 00:15:30,386 --> 00:15:33,021 On our microwave. We have the same microwave. 409 00:15:33,055 --> 00:15:36,724 Oh, I didn't buy it. It came with the house. 410 00:15:36,725 --> 00:15:39,327 Hummus. Thoughts? 411 00:15:39,361 --> 00:15:42,775 I have no thoughts about hummus. 412 00:15:42,798 --> 00:15:44,565 If you'll excuse me. 413 00:15:44,566 --> 00:15:46,134 Yeah. 414 00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:50,241 Blink twice if you'd like me to mercy kill you. 415 00:15:50,272 --> 00:15:51,739 I thought I had done enough recon, 416 00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:54,375 but clearly, I have only scratched the surface. 417 00:15:54,376 --> 00:15:56,878 If I'm gonna bond with him, 418 00:15:56,879 --> 00:15:59,380 I have to massively violate his privacy. 419 00:15:59,415 --> 00:16:01,549 But Truffaut wrote Breathless, 420 00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:03,885 and I've always considered movies a writer's medium. 421 00:16:03,886 --> 00:16:07,055 I can't agree. It's godard's film. 422 00:16:07,056 --> 00:16:08,456 Come on! 423 00:16:08,457 --> 00:16:10,491 I mean, Truffaut is also important. 424 00:16:10,492 --> 00:16:13,494 Seriously? Hold this, I gotta go. 425 00:16:15,464 --> 00:16:18,199 Wow. Maybe it is Truffaut's film. 426 00:16:18,233 --> 00:16:21,269 Mighty DVR, tell me the Captain's secrets. 427 00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:23,071 Unveil yourself to me. 428 00:16:23,072 --> 00:16:25,873 Ooh, how it's made: Contact lenses. 429 00:16:25,908 --> 00:16:28,154 Bingo! 430 00:16:28,177 --> 00:16:29,243 [Door closes] 431 00:16:29,244 --> 00:16:30,611 What are you doing here? 432 00:16:30,612 --> 00:16:32,847 I... what? I'm not. What are you doing here? 433 00:16:32,848 --> 00:16:34,749 I need to find a New Yorker that Kevin left by the bed, 434 00:16:34,750 --> 00:16:37,318 so I can justify this whole proslavery stance 435 00:16:37,319 --> 00:16:38,586 I've backed myself into. 436 00:16:38,587 --> 00:16:39,587 [Door opens] 437 00:16:39,588 --> 00:16:41,189 Detectives! 438 00:16:41,190 --> 00:16:42,723 (Jake) Sarge! I see that you, 439 00:16:42,758 --> 00:16:45,927 like I, came up here to chastise Santiago. 440 00:16:45,928 --> 00:16:48,096 Amy, this is low, even for you. 441 00:16:48,097 --> 00:16:50,932 I cannot believe you would both violate 442 00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:52,533 the "please stay downstairs" rule, 443 00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:53,935 which was prominently posted! 444 00:16:53,936 --> 00:16:56,137 Get outta here! 445 00:16:56,138 --> 00:16:58,272 (Holt) I don't know why we have to have this discussion again. 446 00:16:58,273 --> 00:16:59,273 What do we do? 447 00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:01,275 Bathroom! Bathroom. 448 00:17:04,146 --> 00:17:05,780 Why are you upset with me? 449 00:17:05,781 --> 00:17:07,381 Your employees are the ones putting a damper on the party. 450 00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:09,117 They are acting terribly. 451 00:17:09,118 --> 00:17:10,685 You're the one who's been acting terribly tonight. 452 00:17:10,686 --> 00:17:12,787 You've been curt and snobby with my guests. 453 00:17:12,788 --> 00:17:14,455 You've been needling poor Peralta so much, 454 00:17:14,456 --> 00:17:16,124 you've practically made him a new suit. 455 00:17:16,158 --> 00:17:17,692 Needled him a new suit. 456 00:17:17,693 --> 00:17:19,227 Even when we're fighting, you're hilarious. 457 00:17:19,228 --> 00:17:21,028 Stop it. Stop it. 458 00:17:21,063 --> 00:17:24,298 [Whispering] Oh, no! Dog, allergies, sneezing. 459 00:17:24,299 --> 00:17:25,399 No! Get away! 460 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,400 Shh. 461 00:17:26,401 --> 00:17:28,236 Grab the dog! 462 00:17:32,141 --> 00:17:33,741 Look at me. 463 00:17:33,742 --> 00:17:36,544 Do not blow this for us. 464 00:17:36,545 --> 00:17:38,146 You know what, I knew this wasn't going to work. 465 00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:39,981 It never has. We should've just gone out 466 00:17:39,982 --> 00:17:41,582 for dinner to a restaurant, like we do every year. 467 00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:43,151 Why did you make me invite them? 468 00:17:43,185 --> 00:17:45,219 I made you invite them because I like them. 469 00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:46,654 They're good people. 470 00:17:46,688 --> 00:17:50,358 [Amy sneezes] 471 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:52,660 Santiago, are you hiding in my bathroom 472 00:17:52,661 --> 00:17:55,596 with a dog that you're deathly allergic to? 473 00:17:55,597 --> 00:17:56,831 (Amy) No. 474 00:18:01,436 --> 00:18:03,337 Occupied? 475 00:18:06,317 --> 00:18:08,018 Well, this has been a stinky 12 hours. 476 00:18:08,019 --> 00:18:09,653 My computer bag got a hole in the bottom, 477 00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:11,288 and my power cord fell out. 478 00:18:11,322 --> 00:18:13,490 Last night was such a disaster. 479 00:18:13,491 --> 00:18:15,803 I wheeze-cried myself to sleep. 480 00:18:15,827 --> 00:18:17,694 Well, at least Captain said he liked us, 481 00:18:17,695 --> 00:18:19,196 right before he kicked us out of his house 482 00:18:19,197 --> 00:18:20,430 for violating his trust. 483 00:18:20,431 --> 00:18:22,332 Why didn't Kevin want to invite us? 484 00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:24,701 We could have been really cool people. 485 00:18:24,702 --> 00:18:26,903 We weren't, but we could've been. 486 00:18:26,904 --> 00:18:29,072 Well, as soon as he unveiled his "no cop talk" policy, 487 00:18:29,073 --> 00:18:30,507 I was sunk. 488 00:18:30,508 --> 00:18:32,642 Gruesome murders are the cornerstone of my charm. 489 00:18:32,677 --> 00:18:34,344 Well, he spent the last 30 years with a cop. 490 00:18:34,345 --> 00:18:36,646 Maybe he's sick of hearing about it. 491 00:18:36,681 --> 00:18:38,381 Wait. 492 00:18:38,382 --> 00:18:41,084 Maybe that's not what he's sick of. 493 00:18:41,085 --> 00:18:43,954 Santiago, you brilliant bastard, you figured it out! 494 00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:50,760 Hello again, Professor Kevin Cozner. 495 00:18:50,761 --> 00:18:52,262 What do you want? 496 00:18:52,296 --> 00:18:55,009 I'd like to tell you about a case I solved. 497 00:18:55,032 --> 00:18:56,533 Thank you, but just as with my home, 498 00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:58,535 my office has a strict "no cop talk" policy. 499 00:18:58,536 --> 00:19:00,370 I figured, but the case that I have solved 500 00:19:00,371 --> 00:19:02,539 is the case of the "no cop talk" policy. 501 00:19:02,573 --> 00:19:05,542 There were three things that bothered me about last night: 502 00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:07,444 You didn't want the nine-nine at your party, 503 00:19:07,445 --> 00:19:09,246 even though you'd never met us, 504 00:19:09,247 --> 00:19:10,881 your friends immediately asked Hitchcock and Scully 505 00:19:10,882 --> 00:19:12,382 if they were harassed, 506 00:19:12,383 --> 00:19:13,817 and there was something interesting 507 00:19:13,818 --> 00:19:15,585 about that photo in your library... 508 00:19:15,620 --> 00:19:18,021 You and the Captain were shunted off to the side. 509 00:19:18,055 --> 00:19:19,723 I don't think you dislike cop talk. 510 00:19:19,757 --> 00:19:21,358 I think you dislike cops. 511 00:19:21,392 --> 00:19:23,159 [Scoffs] I'm married to one. 512 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,061 I know, and I can't imagine it's been fun 513 00:19:25,062 --> 00:19:27,631 watching the man you love marginalized, underappreciated, 514 00:19:27,632 --> 00:19:29,733 and disrespected by the NYPD. 515 00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:31,735 Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell 516 00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:33,336 by his colleagues, many of whom, 517 00:19:33,337 --> 00:19:35,216 quite frankly, look exactly like you. 518 00:19:35,239 --> 00:19:38,052 Devastatingly handsome? 519 00:19:38,075 --> 00:19:39,743 I'm sorry, I'm uncomfortable with emotions. 520 00:19:39,744 --> 00:19:41,611 So yes, I decided a long time ago 521 00:19:41,612 --> 00:19:43,413 that just because I love Raymond 522 00:19:43,414 --> 00:19:46,310 doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. 523 00:19:46,317 --> 00:19:47,812 Good solve, Detective. 524 00:19:47,818 --> 00:19:49,319 Nice cop lingo. 525 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,656 Look, I'm really sorry that we ruined your party. 526 00:19:52,657 --> 00:19:54,424 I'd like to make it up to you. 527 00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:56,960 (Jake) Captain, thank you for joining us. 528 00:19:56,961 --> 00:19:58,194 What's going on? 529 00:19:58,195 --> 00:19:59,729 (Jake) A proper birthday dinner. 530 00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:01,158 Amy chose the restaurant. 531 00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:02,666 Captain. 532 00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:05,435 Ah, perfect. I've always wanted to come here. 533 00:20:05,436 --> 00:20:06,937 (Jake) Boyle picked the menu. 534 00:20:06,938 --> 00:20:08,505 Vivian helped. 535 00:20:08,539 --> 00:20:10,941 Terry chose the champagne. 536 00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:13,129 I'm sorry about your party, sir. 537 00:20:13,144 --> 00:20:15,879 I tried to keep them in line, but I failed. 538 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,447 Well, that's not your job. I'm only sorry 539 00:20:17,448 --> 00:20:18,848 you didn't get a chance to enjoy yourself. 540 00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:21,184 Gina has brought back all the silverware 541 00:20:21,185 --> 00:20:22,953 that she stole from your house. 542 00:20:24,889 --> 00:20:27,891 What? Also, this clock. 543 00:20:27,892 --> 00:20:28,892 Good heavens. 544 00:20:28,893 --> 00:20:30,260 This isn't ours. 545 00:20:30,294 --> 00:20:32,228 And my contribution will be to refrain 546 00:20:32,229 --> 00:20:35,832 from discussing The New Yorker for the rest of my living days. 547 00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:38,034 Enjoy. Thank you, Jake. 548 00:20:38,035 --> 00:20:39,769 You're welcome, Kevin. Call me "Kev." 549 00:20:39,804 --> 00:20:41,471 Oh. What? 550 00:20:41,472 --> 00:20:43,139 Oh, he told you to say that, didn't he? 551 00:20:43,140 --> 00:20:45,308 Well, you are always playing pranks on me, Raymond. 552 00:20:45,309 --> 00:20:46,710 Just once, let me be the funny one. 553 00:20:46,711 --> 00:20:47,944 [Scoffs] 554 00:20:47,979 --> 00:20:49,779 And finally, it is my great pleasure 555 00:20:49,814 --> 00:20:52,582 to introduce the nine-nine zone Detective Scully 556 00:20:52,583 --> 00:20:54,818 to serenade you. 557 00:20:54,819 --> 00:20:58,321 ♪ Ma n'atu sole ♪ 558 00:20:58,322 --> 00:21:01,658 ♪ Cchiu bello, oi ne' 559 00:21:01,692 --> 00:21:04,160 ♪ O sole mio ♪ 560 00:21:04,161 --> 00:21:06,663 ♪ Sta 'nfronte a te ♪ 561 00:21:06,664 --> 00:21:08,164 This part always gets me. 562 00:21:08,165 --> 00:21:13,870 ♪ O sole o sole mio ♪ 563 00:21:15,906 --> 00:21:17,973 Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/