Sam, could you give me a hand in the kitchen, please?
I could.
Yay.
But I won't.
Poop.
Can we not watch this?
Please?
Why? You guys said you love this movie.
We do...
On a big screen.
What do you mean?
That's a 50-inch TV.
We know.
We've seen one that small before.
At our maid's house.
Ow!
Sam.
What was that?
Our timers.
Why do you have timers?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Let's see.
"7:30, both Phillip and Kelly must take their protein pills, then eat
their nutritional yeast."
Come on, kids.
Come get your yeast.
Ugh, your parents seriously make you guys wear timers?
That's right.
We have a lot of stuff on our schedule.
Oh, your schedule.
Like, if you had a timer, it might help you remember when to wash.
That's it.
One more rude comment from you and you're losing a big toe.
What?
Or worse.
Sam.
What?
Babysitting rules clearly state, "each child must leave with the same amount
of body parts they showed up with."
There's no rule that says "each child must leave with the same..."
Oh, look, it's number four.
All right, kids, take your protein pills and your nutritional yeast.
Where did this water come from?
The sink.
Ew.
What's wrong now?
We don't drink sink water.
Get us some bottled water.
But we don't have bottled water.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, cat.
These are special kids and they deserve special water.
Which I'll go get.
We keep it in the bathroom.
Well, all right, dinner's almost done, you guys.
Ding dong.
We carry bags.
From the supermarket.
Why'd you guys come from the supermarket?
The little kids gave us 20 bucks.
Each.
To get us dinner.
But I've been making you dinner for the past hour.
See?
Chicken tots and tater balls.
We don't eat chicken tots.
Or tater balls.
All right, well, here are your steaks.
And your lobsters.
Yeah.
Nice lob.
Ooh, and I got you this new butter spray.
You just spray it right on the lobster before you eat it.
Love that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
You guys are seriously going to eat the lobsters?
Of course we're going to eat them.
That's what lobsters are for.
But I thought you wanted them as pets.
Dude, they paid for the lobsters.
If they want to eat them, they can eat them.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Come on, buddy.
I'll save you.
That moron buttered our faces.
I'm not supposed to get dairy in my eyes.
Dice, go get goomer and make him apologize.
Whatever.
Goomer.
Okay, here we go.
Special water for Phillip and Kelly.
What brand of water is this?
Oh, it's from France.
It's called "aqua toilette."
Ooh, France.
Merci.
"Toilette," that kind of sounds like "toilet."
Oh, god.
♪ I'm never that far ♪
♪ no matter where you are ♪
♪ believe it ♪
♪ we can make it come true ♪
♪ we'll do it our way ♪
♪ no matter what they say ♪
♪ 'cause no one's ♪
♪ going to do it for you ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ but i-i-i-i-i ♪
♪ I'll never say never ♪
♪ as long as ♪
♪ we keep it together ♪
♪ if you're living a dream ♪
♪ and you know what it means ♪
♪ then you can't let them ♪
♪ change your mind ♪
♪ it's the life that we choose ♪
♪ and we still break the rules ♪
♪ but it's all going to be ♪
♪ just fine ♪
♪ yeah, we're all going to be ♪
♪ just fine ♪
♪ you and me ♪
♪ we're going to be just fine ♪
♪ hmmmm... ♪
How's your steaks?
Did I make them right?
Mine's overcooked.
Yeah, you didn't cook them right.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have rejected my chicken tots and tater balls.
Ding dong.
I got it.
Hello, I'm cromsby.
That's not a real name.
But it is.
I work for the baums.
I'm here to pick up their children.
Yay!
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude or anything.
You guys are just really annoying.
Phillip, Kelly, the car is out front.
Please go wait in it.
We don't want to wait in the car.
I'm not waiting in the stupid car.
Here's a $100 each.
You have five minutes.
Five.
Yes, of course.
Of course.
Is it wrong to hate a child?
Dude, if hating those kids is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Indeed.
Now, before I go...
Gun, Sam, he's got a gun.
Oh my god.
Why would he have a gun?
I don't have a gun.
I have tickets.
Doctor and Mrs. Baum are going to the Bahamas, and they'd like the two of you
to escort their children there.
Wait.
Why don't the baum's just fly to The Bahamas with their kids?
If you were those children's parents, and you could pay someone
to fly with them, wouldn't you?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I would.
Absolutely.
Yes, well, two free tickets to The Bahamas.
Are you interested?
No way.
You can tell doctor and Mrs. Baum that we don't want to go on a trip anywhere
with their kids.
You'll be flying first class.
We don't care about...
First class?
Who cares if we're...
Yes. We'll do it.
No we won't.
Sam, please.
I've wanted to fly first class ever since I was a little girl.
What's the big deal about it?
Have you ever flown first class?
I've never been on a nice bus.
First class is magical.
I have 30 seconds.
The seats are real big and they go back all the way.
But that doesn't...
And they give you fancy food
with real forks made of metal.
Oh, food, you say?
And at the end of the flight they give you fresh-baked cookies and hot rags.
Well...
Hot rags.
The rags are quite hot.
Okay, we'll do it.
Hot rags.
I'll tell the baum's...
What was that?
A rock that says,
"it's been five...
Minutes."
Yeah.
Okay.
Here is my school ID and my first class ticket.
I see it.
We're going to get fresh cookies and hot rags.
Cat...
These kids yours?
We're babysitting them.
Yes.
This is Phillip baum, and that's his sister, Kelly baum.
Boarding passes?
They are also riding in the first class section with us.
Go ahead.
First class.
Shut up.
Well, that guy's got a coach attitude.
Come on.
All right, you guys took your protein pills and your nutritional yeast, right?
No, we didn't because you forgot to bring our timers.
Quit whining.
Goomer and dice are on their way here with your dumb rich-kid timers.
Laptops out of your bags.
Empty your pockets.
Shoes off.
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Excuse me?
I'm assuming we first class passengers don't have to remove our shoes.
Yes, you do.
But I'm not wearing any socks and the floor seems kind of sticky.
Look, I don't care who you...
Hey, I got this.
You got what?
Let's go.
Oh my gosh, Sam, put me down.
No, no, no.
Put me down.
Ew. No.
Shoes off.
No, leave my feet alone.
Cat is now shoeless.
Oh.
Done.
Ugh.
Okay.
Now, come on, let's get through security so we can get to first class.
Oy.
Hey, where can we get hand sanitizer?
Look, don't ask me questions.
I barely made it through fourth grade.
I'm just listening for beeps.
Did you guys hear a beep?
Hey, Sam! Cat!
We made it.
Over here.
We brought the timers for the baum's.
Finally, our timers.
What'd he say?
I've got the timers for the baum's.
He said he's got the timers for the bombs.
Code blue. Code blue.
Code blue.
What's going on?
No.
There's been a misunderstanding.
What's happening to dice and goomer?
Bad things.
Well, that wasn't very nice of you, gentlemen.
What do we do?
Run that way.
We can't just leave them.
Hot rags.
Come on kids, let's go.
Get your things.
Oh, look at all the people.
I don't like people.
Now, now, now, no bad energy.
My dream of flying first class is about to come true
and nothing shall spoil it.
Oh my god, that's disgusting.
Move, come on, come on, come on.
My shoes are pinching my toes.
Can we sit down?
Aw.
Who's a cranky-puss?
You.
Does anybody see four seats together?
Right here.
Hey, anybody sitting in those seats?
Yeah.
Me.
That's all your stuff?
Yeah, it's all my stuff, and I ain't moving it.
Oh, that's cool.
You don't have to move it.
Hey, that's mine.
What are you...
Hey.
Pick my stuff up and put it all back or else...
These seats are open.
You think dice and goomer are going to be all right?
Oh yeah.
They're big boys.
They can handle themselves.
Buddy.
Buddy, come on.
What'd you say to the big guy?
I just asked him if he wanted some water.
I don't want any water.
I want chocolate milk.
Could you get him some chocolate milk?
I don't think we have any.
All right, all right, shut up.
Now, big guy, explain this.
Cat!
We made it.
Over here.
We brought the timers for the baum's.
Okay, I can explain what happened.
Quiet, hair hat.
Hair hat?
It does look like a fuzzy hat.
You'll get your chance to talk.
But I just...
Eh!
But...
Eh!
I was just trying...
Ahh!
Okay, chocolate milk, talk.
Sure.
See, our friends called us about two hours ago and said they were taking
the baum's to the airport and putting them on the plane.
Dude.
You stay quiet.
Thank you.
But the problem was they forgot the timers for the baum's.
So we got the timers, and we brought them to the airport.
For the baum's.
Can I get a lawyer?
And a pony?
Flight 1549 to The Bahamas will begin boarding in just a few minutes.
Yeah, hot rags.
It's a first class thing.
You wouldn't get it.
I want to get on the plane now.
Wow, I care what you want.
Don't worry, we're in first class so we'll get to board the plane
before everybody else.
Durr.
That hurt my feelings.
Hi, is this seat taken?
Uh... nobody's sitting here, right?
Watch out.
I don't think you should sit here.
I'm sorry, can I just...
I'm just going to...
Please don't touch me.
Oh god.
Cat, stand up.
All right.
And don't talk to that.
Hello.
My name is coco.
Aw, now there's going to be a conversation.
So, get this.
My ex-husband, Carl...
Yeah?
He's getting married.
Guess to who.
Don't guess.
A lady?
My mother.
How disgusting is that?
Very.
Right?
Where is my car battery?
You know, I work at a fancy boarding school.
I'm a dorm advisor.
Those lucky kids.
What school?
Pacific coast academy.
Honey, can you hold my car battery?
Actually, I don't like to hold things.
We're flying first class.
Lucky.
I flew first class on my honeymoon, with Carl.
They gave you hot rags.
Yes.
Why am I holding a 17-pound car battery?
Here's my can opener.
Hold this.
Oh, yay, I love small appliances.
So, you tell me, after Carl marries my mother, what do I call him?
My ex-husband?
My step-father?
Or the man I still love?
So, you're taking a vacation?
No. I'm going to the wedding.
Gimme.
What is that can?
Ravioli.
It's the one thing that never lets me down.
All right, hair hat.
Why were you two bringing timers for bombs to this airport?
Okay, see, my friends are...
It was his fault.
Goomer.
I didn't want to bring the timers for the baum's to the airport.
I wanted to go to a petting zoo.
Just tell us about the bombs.
I'm trying.
There's these two kids...
I just wanted
to pet a baby sheep.
Ahh!
I mean, do you have any idea how painful that's going to be for me,
watching my ex-husband get married to my own mother?
But why would your ex-husband want to marry your mom?
I don't know.
Why don't you ask them?
They're right over there.
Flight 1549 to The Bahamas will begin pre-boarding now.
Yeah, hot rags.
Yeah, baby.
See you later, ravioli lady.
Oh, and by the way, you'll find another man.
She won't.
Come on, kids, let's go.
Come on, move it.
Woo, first class.
Excuse me, everybody, first class coming through.
We're heading...
Class coming through.
To the front.
Yeah, first class.
We get to board first.
At this time we'd like to board all passengers who need assistance.
Yay.
Wait, what?
Thank you.
I thought first class passengers get to board the plane first.
Don't worry about it.
We're next.
Kay-Kay.
Hurry up, please.
Boarding next...
Families with small children.
What the...
Well, they're small children.
Not small enough.
What about first class?
I don't think you boys have any idea how much trouble you're in.
Lot of trouble.
I'm trying to explain.
Will you let me explain?
All you're doing is making this worse.
I can explain stuff just as good as you can.
Well, it's my turn.
No it's not.
Okay, the baum's aren't really bombs.
Guh, guh, guh.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Go ahead.
Give the people your brilliant explanation.
See, our friends brought these two kids to the airport, right?
Bluh, bluh, bluh.
If you don't quit
doing that...
Ah, dub, dub, dub.
Let's see, boarding next...
Here we go.
Hot rags.
Anyone in the military.
What?
This is ridiculous.
Why should they get to board first?
Just 'cause they're in the military?
Thank you for your service.
You're all heroes.
Thank you.
Okay, next...
Now it's first class.
Finally.
We welcome our platinum club members.
Gah!
Him?
After you.
Platinum club.
Platinum club coming through.
My husband is marrying my mother.
All right, knock it off.
Can I have some chocolate milk?
Bring us a glass of chocolate milk.
May I have two, please?
No you can...
Bring us two.
Okay, next we'll board anyone with a pet.
Does the pet have to be here?
No.
Woo!
Thank you.
Sam, our hot rags...
They'll be cold.
Just...
We have to be next.
Okay, guy?
Now, drink your chocolate milk and tell us about the bombs.
Okay.
Well, you see...
We got to get out of here.
Code red!
Lock down the airport!
And we need paper towels.
Paper towels now!
Okay, now boarding...
Let's see...
First class.
Come on.
Boarding all first class passengers.
All right.
Yeah, baby.
Here we go.
It's about time.
Airport lockdown.
Code red.
Procedure 21b.
Airport lockdown.
What?
Our flight is canceled?
No, the flight can take off, but nobody else can board.
Wha...
You're saying that all the other people who already got on the plane,
they get to The Bahamas but not us?
Seriously?
Seriously.
Why is this happening?
Why?
Put me down.
Hey, Sam.
There's the timers.
Goomer.
Time for your yeast.
Mmm...