WHERE'S CHELSEA? WHY ISN'T SHE BACK YET?
HONEY, I'M SURE FARKLE TOOK VERY GOOD CARE OF HER.
HEY, MATTHEWS, WHY ARE YOU MAKING US
DO THE WHOLE CLASS-MASCOT THING ANYWAY?
DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME, MAYA.
EVERYBODY GOT THE CHANCE TO TAKE CHELSEA HOME FOR A WEEK
AND NOW IT'S MY TURN AND I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
GOOD, BECAUSE IF YOU BRING HER BACK SAFELY,
CHELSEA WILL HAVE SURVIVED THE WHOLE CLASS.
THEN IT'S AS GOOD AS DONE.
YOU KNOW I AM FANTASTIC WITH PETS.
MR. PUFFLES.
THAT WAS SAD.
IT'S CHELSEA! IT IS.
NICE JOB, FARKLE.
HERE'S YOUR STICKER.
CHELSEA!
ARE YOU READY TO COME TO OUR HOUSE?
HEY, FARKLE,
DID YOU GO TO PHIL'S FISH STORE?
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT, AUGGIE?
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? WHY?
ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR FARKLE.
THERE'S A NEW CASTLE IN THE BOWL.
VERY IMPRESSIVE, AUGGIE.
YEAH, HE WATCHES "OWL DETECTIVE" EVERY DAY.
HE ALWAYS KNOWS WHODUNNIT.
( sing-song ) HOOOO-DUNNIT!
EVERY DAY.
OKAY, RILEY, SHE'S ALL YOURS.
NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FEED HER ONCE A DAY
AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU THROW HER A COMPLIMENT.
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THE FISH, RIGHT?
NO.
ALL RIGHT, IS SHE ALL READY TO GO, AUGGIE?
ALL FED AND READY TO GO.
RILEY, HERE'S CHELSEA.
SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.
DON'T BLOW THIS.
THIS FISH IS IN GOOD HANDS.
LET ME JUST GET OUR FIRST PICTURE TOGETHER.
( clicks )
UM...
WHAT?
LET ME TAKE ANOTHER ONE. CHELSEA'S UPSIDE-DOWN.
OH, BOY.
"DAY ONE, I DIED!"
- ( all gasping ) - CHELSEA!
NO, I'LL CRY FOR YOU LATER.
RIGHT NOW THERE'S A MYSTERY TO BE SOLVED.
WHAT MYSTERY, AUGGIE? I KILLED THE FISH.
NO, YOU DID NOT KILL THIS FISH.
THIS FISH WAS THE VICTIM OF FOUL PLAY.
SOMEBODY HERE IS RESPONSIBLE.
THE ONLY QUESTION IS...
OH, NO.
All: ...HOOOOO-DUNNIT?!
( theme music playing )
♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING ♪
♪ FOR A DAY LIKE THIS TO COME ♪
♪ STRUCK LIKE LIGHTNING ♪
♪ MY HEART'S BEATING LIKE A DRUM ♪
♪ ON THE EDGE OF SOMETHING ♪
♪ WONDERFUL ♪
♪ FACE TO FACE WITH CHANGES ♪
♪ WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT? ♪
♪ LIFE IS CRAZY ♪
♪ BUT I KNOW I CAN WORK IT OUT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I GOT YOU TO LIVE IT WITH ME ♪
♪ I FEEL ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE ON THE WORLD ♪
♪ LIGHT UP THE STARS, I'VE GOT SOME PAGES TO TURN ♪
♪ I'M SINGING, OH OH OH ♪
♪ OH OH OH OH ♪
♪ TAKE ON THE WORLD, TAKE ON THE WORLD ♪
♪ TAKE ON THE WORLD, TAKE ON THE WORLD. ♪
( noir music playing )
THE DAME WAS 39 lbs OF BLUE-EYED DYNAMITE.
T.N.T.-- TEETH...
AND TEETH.
( howling, panting )
THEY CALL HER "LADY A"
BECAUSE SHE WRITES HER "A"s GOOD.
LET'S GO OVER THE SUSPECT LIST, DOLL FACE.
I LIKE WHEN SHE CALLS ME DOLL FACE.
MAKES ME FEEL DAINTY.
CHELSEA WAS KAPUT, BELLY UP.
OF THIS, THERE IS NO QUESTION.
THE ONLY QUESTION WAS--
I WANT TO DO THIS WITH YOU!
FINE, ON THREE.
Both: ONE--
HOOOO-DUNNIT!
WHY DO I ALWAYS LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT THE BEST BABY TEETH IN THE BUSINESS.
HAVE MY OWL DETECTIVES CRACKED THE CASE?
THE OTHER WOMAN IN MY LIFE.
SOME CALL HER TOPANGA.
I CALL HER MOMMY.
- AVA? - TOPANGA?
THESE TWO ARE ICIER THAN TWO POPSICLES...
IN ALASKA IN THE WINTER
THAT DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER.
I BROUGHT YOUR FAVORITE.
Both: GRAHAM CRACKERS!
MAYA.
- PHIL. - OH, YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
ACTUALLY, I'M FAMILIAR WITH YOUR WHOLE CLASS.
OH, DO YOU HAVE A SON OR DAUGHTER AT JOHN Q. ADAMS?
WELL, YOU MIGHT SAY I HAVE A WHOLE SCHOOL OF KIDS AT JOHN Q. ADAMS.
WHAT A RANDOM AND CURIOUS COMMENT TO MAKE, "FISH STORE PHIL."
- OH, SHE DOESN'T-- - NO NO, THIS ONE'S VERY TRUSTING AND SENSITIVE.
OOH, I LIKE PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
DO YOU GOT YOUR OWN DEBIT CARD, YOUNG LADY?
PHIL.
SORRY.
IT'S OUR CLASS GOLDFISH, CHELSEA.
SHE MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE YEAR,
RIGHT UP UNTIL IT WAS MY TURN TO TAKE HER HOME.
AND THEN SHE--
IS SHE DEAD?
BECAUSE EITHER SHE IS DEAD OR SHE IS SO SO VERY TIRED.
CAN YOU WAKE HER UP, "FISH STORE PHIL?"
( between teeth ) UH, WHAT DO I DO?
YOU WAKE HER UP, PHIL.
OKAY, I SEE HOW THIS IS.
WELL, IT'S A BRIGHT SUNSHINY DAY.
TIME TO WAKE UP AND HAVE SOME FRENCH TOAST
AND GET TO THE OL' FISH JOB.
DEAD.
WELL, HE TRIED.
YES, I TRIED REALLY HARD.
WELL, I GUESS I ALWAYS KNEW, "FISH STORE PHIL."
CHELSEA DID NOT SURVIVE RILEY.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER NOW?
- OH, SHE'LL GO IN THE POTTY. - THE POTTY?!
UH, WHOOP WHOOP, "DA PARTY!"
( both giggling )
OKAY, WE'LL GO THAT WAY.
YOUNG LADY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO WATCH YOUR GOLDFISH LOVED ONE
SWIM TO THAT GREAT FISHBOWL IN THE SKY?
I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH, "FISH STORE PHIL," YES.
HOW DOES SHE GET THERE?
WELL, THE 4:15 EXPRESS IS LEAVING RIGHT NOW.
GET HER ON IT! GET HER ON IT!
CLOSE YOUR EYES WITH ME, RILEY. LET'S BOW OUR HEADS.
OF COURSE.
( toilet flushing )
WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT-- THAT WAS THE SOUND OF CHELSEA'S FISH SOUL
SWIMMING UP TO FISH HEAVEN.
BUT IT SOUNDED A LOT LIKE A TOILET--
WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION THE WAYS OF FISH HEAVEN?
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE ANOTHER ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE CHELSEA?
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE YOURSELF A LITTLE LOOKY-SEE
AND MAYBE YOU'LL LOCATE ANOTHER UNIQUE
AND ONE-OF-A-KIND ORANGE ONE.
THIS ONE.
( softly ) IT'S A MIRACLE.
CHELSEA IS REPLACED.
SO ENDS THE LONG, GLORIOUS REIGN OF CHELSEA THE FIRST,
LONG LIVE CHELSEA II!
( French accent ) NOBODY MIFF.
- MIFF? - NO, DON'T MIFF.
DON'T MIFF?
TOO LATE. YOU MIFFED.
THE REASON YOU HAVE ALL BEEN SUMMONED HERE TODAY
IS THAT CHELSEA THE FIRST
IS DEAD,
WHICH MEANS
THAT ONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM IS--
( French accent ) A MUH-DEH-HER.
I'M GOING TO TALK TO FARKLE FIRST.
WHY? 'CAUSE YOU THINK I'LL CRACK?
WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO CRACK, PALLY BOY.
IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT BETTER THAN YOU TO CRACK ME.
( both crunching crackers )
OKAY, UM,
I JUST NEED THE SOUND OF GRAHAM-CRACKER CRUNCHING TO STOP.
IT'S JUST THAT PARTICULAR SOUND
THAT REALLY BOTHERS ME.
I NEED IT TO STOP, PLEASE.
LOOK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT,
BUT I NEED IT TO STOP. I REALLY DO.
( sighs ) THANK YOU.
I CAN'T TAKE IT!
I CONFESS!
WHAT?
I KILLED CHELSEA.
THESE DON'T TASTE AS GOOD WHEN YOU'RE A MUH-DEH-HER.
I'M NOT WORTHY OF THIS STICKER. I'M NOT WORTHY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU KILLED MY FISH, FARKLE.
NO, NOT YOUR FISH-- MY FISH.
YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD TO REPLACE CHELSEA.
I REPLACED HER TOO.
WHAT? WHEN?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WEEK.
EVERYTHING WENT SO WELL ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY.
ON WEDNESDAY, I DECIDED TO GIVE HER A BATH.
WHAT?!
- ON THURSDAY-- - WAIT WAIT, GO BACK.
I TOOK CHELSEA TO THE BIRDBATH.
SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME.
I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING WHEN THE FIRST BIRD SAT ON THE TELEPHONE WIRE.
BEFORE YOU KNEW IT, I COULDN'T SEE THE SKY ANYMORE.
DID YOU KNOW GOLDFISH CAN SCREAM?
- THEY CAN'T. - THEN IT WAS ME!
I SCREAM LIKE A GOLDFISH.
ANYWAY, ALL THE BIRDS SWOOPED DOWN AT THE SAME TIME
IN A FASCINATING MIGRATORY PATTERN.
IT WAS LIKE A NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SPECIAL.
I CAUGHT A LITTLE ON MY PHONE.
- ( birds squawking ) - ( Farkle screaming )
AND SURPRISINGLY, AS SMART AS I AM,
YOU WOULD THINK I'D HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON
NOT TO PUT THE NEXT CHELSEA IN A BIRDBATH.
THIS ONE I PUT IN MY CAT'S WATER DISH.
YOU DIDN'T?!
Farkle ( on phone ): No, Fluffy, new Chelsea's taking a bath!
( cat meowing )
ANYHOO,
I REPLACED MY NEW CHELSEA WITH ANOTHER CHELSEA
AND CAME RIGHT TO SCHOOL. SO AS YOU CAN SEE,
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DEATH OF YOUR CHELSEA.
SO THE CURRENT CHELSEA ISN'T CHELSEA #2 AT ALL.
SHE'S CHELSEA #4.
( groans ) FIVE.
HOW?
I WAS TOO ASHAMED TO TELL YOU
ABOUT OUR TRIP TO THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
I TOOK HER ALL THE WAY UP
AND SAT HER ON THE LEDGE.
AND THEN I SAID, "LEAN BACK A LITTLE."
AND SHE LISTENED TO ME.
( wailing )
SO THIS IS THE HOT SEAT, HUH?
IT IS WHEN YOU'RE IN IT, BIG BOY.
- AVA! - LUCAS.
ME?
OKAY, LUCAS, SPILL IT.
- SPILL WHAT? - THE BEANS.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - IT'S WHAT OWL DETECTIVE SAYS.
THANK YOU, RILEY.
YOU'RE WELCOME, I'M SURE.
SO WHAT ABOUT THOSE BEANS?
- I DON'T HAVE ANY BEANS. - THEN SING LIKE A CANARY.
- I DON'T SING SO GOOD. - THEN LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG.
- I'M MORE OF A DOG PERSON. - AW, ME TOO.
JUST TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED.
I'M SURE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
DO YOU?
LET ME TAKE YOU BACK TO THE WEEK OF THE 15th.
- I DON'T WANT TO GO. - YOU TOOK CHELSEA OUT OF THE CLASSROOM.
- I TOOK HER STRAIGHT HOME. - NO STOPS?
- I WOULDN'T CALL IT A STOP. - SO WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT?
- I'D CALL IT A PAUSE. - SO YOU PAUSED.
OKAY, I STOPPED.
WE HAD A BASEBALL GAME AGAINST EINSTEIN ACADEMY.
TIGGLEMAN WAS ON THE MOUND.
CURVE-BALL TIGGLEMAN?
BEST IN THE LEAGUE AND NO ONE CAN HIT IT.
- EXCEPT YOU. - EXCEPT ME.
AND HE KNOWS THAT, BUT HE IS PROUD, SEE?
SO I SAYS-- I SAYS, "TIG, PLEASE.
I PUT CHELSEA IN THE BLEACHERS 'CAUSE IT'S NICE AND SHADY OVER THERE,
SO LAY OFF THE CURVE BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHERE IT'S GOING."
- THE BLEACHERS. - YEAH, THE BLEACHERS.
GUESS WHAT PITCH THE JERK THROWS.
- THE CURVE. - THE CURVE.
SO WHERE'D YOU HIT THE BALL, LUCAS?
IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
IMPOSSIBLE, I TELLS YA.
CHELSEA CAUGHT MY HOME-RUN BALL...
IN THE HEAD.
THE SOUND OF HER FISHBOWL SHATTERING HAS HAUNTED ME EVER SINCE.
YEAH, I WAS AT THE GAME. I CAUGHT IT ALL ON MY PHONE!
- ( bat hitting ball ) - Farkle: Oh, no, run!
Chelsea, run!
- Lucas: Chelsea! - ( glass shattering )
Announcer: Oh, you absolutely hate to see this, folks.
You're swimming around, enjoying a great game
and then boom! Dead!
Meanwhile, Lucas Friar crosses home plate
and Quincy wins!
YOU RAN THE BASES?
I HAD TO. OTHERWISE SHE DIED FOR NOTHING.
BUT I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CHELSEA, RILEY.
- I PROMISE. - YOU MEAN CHELSEA #6.
SEVEN.
I HAD A DOUBLE HEADER.
YOU'LL NEVER BREAK ME, AUGGIE.
OH, YOU'LL BLINK FIRST.
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE?
I'M AN OWL.
- ALL RIGHT, I WENT THROUGH SEVEN FISH. - WHAT?!
RILEY, THEY'RE GOLDFISH. WE'RE KIDS.
KIDS ARE THE NATURAL ENEMY OF GOLDFISH
AND THE NATURAL MEAL TICKET OF "FISH STORE PHIL"
WHO MAKES A FORTUNE OFF OF US.
HOW CAN HE MAKE A FORTUNE, MAYA?
THEY COST $1 EACH.
HE SELLS THEM TO EVERY KID IN EVERY SCHOOL
IN EVERY CLASS IN THE TRISTATE AREA.
YOU DO THE MATH, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW ME AND MATH.
WOW, PHIL THE FISH GUY,
CLEANING UP ON THE HEARTBREAK OF THE CLASS MASCOT BUSINESS.
RILEY, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU,
BUT CHELSEA HASN'T SURVIVED ANY OF US.
EVERY KID IN THE CLASS REPLACED HER.
I AM NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
I KNOW MY CLASSMATES
AND THEY ARE A LOVING AND CARING GROUP OF CHILDREN,
WHO PLACE VALUE ON THE SPARK OF LIFE
EVEN IN THE SMALLEST OF LIVING CREATURES.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, HOW MANY OF YOU KNOCKED OFF A FISH?
HOW MANY FISH YOU ALL KNOCKED OFF?
ET TU, YOGI?
NO, HE HAD THREE.
GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU GUYS ANYMORE. JUST GET OUT OF HERE!
CHELSEA 105,
ON BEHALF OF ALL OF MY FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS,
I AM SO SORRY.
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE FISH FRIENDS
ALL DESERVE TO BE SAFE IN YOUR GOLDFISH BOWLS.
I WISH THERE WAS A WAY YOU GUYS COULD ALL TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER SOMEHOW.
BUT YOU'RE ONLY STUCK WITH US.
I AM SORRY.
OKAY, YOU'RE ALL FREE TO GO.
DON'T NOBODY LEAVE TOWN.
WHAT ABOUT MY CHELSEA, AUGGIE?
HER KILLER STILL WALKS AMONG US.
I JUST DON'T KNOW HOOOO!
HI, CHELSEA.
ARE YOU HUNGRY? RILEY'S RIGHT.
WE NEED TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.
AUGGIE, STOP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M FEEDING CHELSEA 105.
YOU CAN'T FEED A FISH GRAHAM CRACKERS.
( all gasping )
YOU CAN'T?
NO!
WELL, THIS SEEMS LIKE THE REAL PROBLEM.
OH, NO.
I-I-I-I-I-DUNNIT!
AW, HONEY, DON'T BE SAD. YOU SOLVED THE CASE!
I FED CHELSEA GRAHAM CRACKERS.
MAYBE THAT WASN'T IT.
OH, IT WAS IT!
AVA!
SHE'S RIGHT. GRAHAM CRACKERS EXPAND IN WATER.
- FARKLE! - HE'S RIGHT.
- SO THE CRUMBS EXPANDED INSIDE HER. - LUCAS!
- HE'S RIGHT. - MAYA!
( exploding sound )
I 'SPLODED CHELSEA 104.
I FEEL BAD FOR WHAT I DONE. WILL I EVER FEEL BETTER?
NO, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T PUT HER NEAR ME.
WHY NOT? SHE'S YOURS.
SHE IS?
YEAH, YOU TAKE THIS ONE.
I'M GOING TO PAY PHIL THE FISH GUY ONE MORE LITTLE VISIT.
BUT I MADE A MISTAKE.
BUT I KNOW YOU, AUGGIE. YOU WON'T DO IT AGAIN.
IT IS NO MYSTERY TO ME
THAT YOU'LL TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF HER.
MY SISTER IS SOME DAME, AIN'T SHE?
SHE KNOWS JUST HOW TO PICK UP THE SPIRITS
OF A HEARTBROKEN LITTLE DETECTIVE LIKE ME.
THIS WRAPS UP THE CASE OF THE FISH WHO ATE THE GRAHAM CRACKER.
NOW THAT I HEARD THE NAME OF THE CASE,
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT HAPPENED.
HOW YA DOIN', PHIL?
WELL, MY MY MY. WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
ALL MY FAVORITE CUSTOMERS HERE AT THE SAME TIME.
OOH, EXCUSE ME A MINUTE WHILE I CONSIDER
WHICH CHATEAU IN FRANCE I'LL BE STAYING AT THIS SUMMER.
ONE GOLDFISH FOR OUR WHOLE CLASS, PLEASE.
LOOKS LIKE YOU FINALLY MET YOUR MATCH ON THIS ONE, PHIL.
HMM!
Y'ALL GONNA KEEP THIS ONE ALIVE, HUH, BIRDBATH?
- ( laughs ) - WHAT YOU LAUGHIN' AT, SLUGGER?
NOTHING.
WE'LL TAKE THIS ONE.
OKAY.
HOW LONG ARE GOLDFISH SUPPOSED TO LIVE?
WELL, WITH PROPER CARE, THEY CAN GO 15, 20 YEARS.
THEN THAT'S WHEN WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT.
RIGHT, GUYS?
I HOPE SO, KID. I'LL MISS YOU.
- YOU WILL? - YEAH.
YOU'RE SINCERE, YOU'RE HONEST. YOU CHANGED ME TODAY.
REALLY?
YEAH. THAT'LL BE $17,000.
- PHIL. - OKAY.
THIS ONE'S ON ME.
THANK YOU, "FISH STORE PHIL."
OKAY, DAD, SO WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THIS HORRIBLE LESSON?
THERE WAS NO LESSON.
OH, COME ON, MATTHEWS. THERE'S ALWAYS A LESSON WITH YOU.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE PUT THESE GOLDFISH IN OUR HANDS FOR NO REASON.
SORRY, GUYS.
NO LESSON HERE,
EXCEPT WHATEVER YOU CAME UP WITH.
THIS GOLDFISH IS GOING TO LIVE 15 YEARS.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT MUCH LIFE IN HER.
AND EVERYTHING ALIVE DESERVES TO BE--
CARED FOR THE RIGHT WAY.
VERY GOOD.
OH, BY THE WAY...
All: I KNEW IT!
PERMISSION SLIPS FOR THE CLASS RETREAT.
WE'RE GOING TO THE BERKSHIRE MOUNTAINS THIS YEAR.
I WANT YOU TO ALL WATCH OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
LET'S BRING EVERYBODY HOME SAFE AND SOUND.
YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT?
YEAH, I THINK YOU CAN TOO.
( sighs )
CHELSEA, CHELSEA, CHELSEA,
CHELSEA, CHELSEA,
CHELSEA, CHELSEA.