1 00:00:00,849 --> 00:00:01,766 Why isn't this book about tech? 2 00:00:02,057 --> 00:00:05,307 I didn't write about tech because tech destroys worlds. 3 00:00:05,391 --> 00:00:07,474 And I, I wanted to create... 4 00:00:08,307 --> 00:00:10,265 May I have a token for the restroom, please? 5 00:00:11,307 --> 00:00:12,641 So, you guys are planning to build 6 00:00:12,724 --> 00:00:14,974 your own external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test? 7 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:17,140 Why not just give away Hooli phones for the test? 8 00:00:17,349 --> 00:00:19,224 I don't wanna use Hooli shit any more than you guys, 9 00:00:19,307 --> 00:00:20,849 but this will get us to Hawaii. 10 00:00:21,265 --> 00:00:23,641 MSNBC wanted to interview you about being 11 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,683 an "anti-tech evangelist." 12 00:00:25,766 --> 00:00:27,766 What did Publishers Weekly say about my book? 13 00:00:27,849 --> 00:00:29,265 Publishers Weekly is a... 14 00:00:29,849 --> 00:00:31,140 terrible magazine, sir. 15 00:00:31,224 --> 00:00:32,265 Call Maddow. 16 00:00:32,349 --> 00:00:34,307 It's from Gwart. 17 00:00:34,641 --> 00:00:37,683 "I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere." 18 00:00:37,766 --> 00:00:39,516 I'm free to return to work with Richard. 19 00:00:39,724 --> 00:00:41,599 Your position's been filled. 20 00:00:42,432 --> 00:00:43,891 No, it hasn't. 21 00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:39,891 Fuck yeah, right? 22 00:01:40,015 --> 00:01:41,933 You see the chick in the racism car? 23 00:01:42,015 --> 00:01:43,891 I banged her in the famine truck. 24 00:01:43,974 --> 00:01:45,516 I-I'm sorry. What is this? 25 00:01:45,599 --> 00:01:48,432 It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest. 26 00:01:48,516 --> 00:01:51,432 Three days of partying, sucking, and fucking on a plot of land 27 00:01:51,516 --> 00:01:53,432 so far out even Nevada barely wants it. 28 00:01:53,516 --> 00:01:56,599 I'll be serving Tres Commas exclusively. 29 00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:57,766 It's gonna be like Burning Man, 30 00:01:57,849 --> 00:01:59,474 except I'll make a fuckton of money. 31 00:01:59,557 --> 00:02:00,683 So, Earning Man? 32 00:02:02,432 --> 00:02:05,599 I literally love you, you spooky fuck. So, we in? 33 00:02:05,683 --> 00:02:07,099 - In what? - RussFest. 34 00:02:07,182 --> 00:02:08,933 There's no internet in the middle of the desert, Richard. 35 00:02:09,015 --> 00:02:10,349 Maybe that's why no one lives out there. 36 00:02:10,432 --> 00:02:11,766 I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist. 37 00:02:11,849 --> 00:02:13,391 All I know is they're telling me it's gonna cost 38 00:02:13,474 --> 00:02:15,391 a fucking fortune to get the infrastructure out there. 39 00:02:15,474 --> 00:02:17,265 Unless you guys do it for free. 40 00:02:17,349 --> 00:02:19,391 - Why would we do it for free? - Because it's cool. 41 00:02:19,474 --> 00:02:21,349 - It's good for your brand. - Well, Russ, 42 00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:23,849 we appreciate the interest... 43 00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:25,140 I like where this is going. 44 00:02:25,224 --> 00:02:26,683 - But... - Fuck! 45 00:02:26,766 --> 00:02:29,808 Uh, right now, we are trying to launch 46 00:02:29,891 --> 00:02:32,099 a huge pilot program in Hawaii. 47 00:02:32,182 --> 00:02:33,641 Dinesh is actually heading out there 48 00:02:33,724 --> 00:02:36,224 first thing tomorrow morning, and I am about to sit down 49 00:02:36,307 --> 00:02:38,557 with the network operations president of AT&T, 50 00:02:38,641 --> 00:02:41,516 trying to close this massive deal, 51 00:02:41,599 --> 00:02:44,974 but that all depends on getting Hawaii right. 52 00:02:45,057 --> 00:02:46,307 There's just no way we could do both. 53 00:02:46,391 --> 00:02:48,516 And you would rather do Hawaii than RussFest? 54 00:02:48,599 --> 00:02:50,140 I would rather 55 00:02:50,224 --> 00:02:53,766 do my own mother than RussFest. 56 00:02:55,307 --> 00:02:57,140 How come whenever you guys wanna do some shit, 57 00:02:57,224 --> 00:02:58,307 I'm always like, "fuck yeah!" 58 00:02:58,391 --> 00:02:59,766 But whenever I wanna do some cool shit, 59 00:02:59,849 --> 00:03:02,474 you guys piss all over it! You know what? Gimme this. 60 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:06,099 Have fun shoving pineapples up each other's dick holes! 61 00:03:06,182 --> 00:03:08,307 And pussy holes. 62 00:03:08,808 --> 00:03:10,307 You creepy fuck. 63 00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:22,557 What have I been telling you, Lawrence? 64 00:03:22,641 --> 00:03:24,808 Impressive. Very impressive. 65 00:03:25,933 --> 00:03:28,015 - Looking forward to talking a lot more. - Yeah. 66 00:03:28,099 --> 00:03:29,766 Yeah, definitely. 67 00:03:32,474 --> 00:03:34,474 - Richard! - Whoo! 68 00:03:35,557 --> 00:03:37,349 - Sorry. Um, how did it go? - Cool. 69 00:03:37,432 --> 00:03:40,224 Well, I wanna keep it on the down-low, but, uh... 70 00:03:40,933 --> 00:03:42,432 Fuck. 71 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:47,099 Is that joy? 72 00:03:47,182 --> 00:03:49,057 It could not have gone better. 73 00:03:49,808 --> 00:03:52,182 When they found out how much money they could save 74 00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:54,891 by using us to help simplify their 5G rollout, 75 00:03:54,974 --> 00:03:57,307 they practically shit themselves. 76 00:03:57,391 --> 00:04:00,557 This could be bigger than we thought. 77 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:03,933 Monica, we could be on 100 million phones. 78 00:04:04,015 --> 00:04:05,808 - Holy shit. - Yeah. 79 00:04:05,891 --> 00:04:08,516 - Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. - Yeah. 80 00:04:08,599 --> 00:04:10,933 - You know, focus on Hawaii, make sure we land the plane. - Yeah. 81 00:04:11,015 --> 00:04:13,057 It's weird. I actually don't know what to do 82 00:04:13,140 --> 00:04:16,140 when things are going well. It is not natural. 83 00:04:19,724 --> 00:04:21,391 - Yeah. - Okay. 84 00:04:21,474 --> 00:04:22,724 Ha, ha, ha! 85 00:04:22,808 --> 00:04:24,057 What's the newest killer app 86 00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:25,724 coming out of Silicon Valley? 87 00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:28,182 Would you believe ethics? 88 00:04:28,265 --> 00:04:30,140 It's all thanks to our first guest, 89 00:04:30,224 --> 00:04:32,265 a former big-tech CEO 90 00:04:32,349 --> 00:04:34,265 turned responsible tech evangelist... 91 00:04:34,349 --> 00:04:36,140 You know what? Not even this turd 92 00:04:36,224 --> 00:04:37,974 is gonna bring me down right now. 93 00:04:38,057 --> 00:04:40,891 - caution and accountability. - Thanks for being here. 94 00:04:40,974 --> 00:04:43,182 Well, I always find time for you, Gabby. 95 00:04:43,265 --> 00:04:45,265 Please. No one is buying your bullshit, Gavin. 96 00:04:45,349 --> 00:04:47,224 My message invigorates me. 97 00:04:47,307 --> 00:04:49,974 For too long, these large tech companies 98 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:53,140 have harvested our data, they have violated our privacy, 99 00:04:53,224 --> 00:04:54,724 they have tracked our every move. 100 00:04:54,808 --> 00:04:58,391 They is you, you hypocrite. You did that. He did that! 101 00:04:58,474 --> 00:05:00,599 Starting today, I will be asking 102 00:05:00,683 --> 00:05:02,307 prominent members of the tech community 103 00:05:02,391 --> 00:05:04,641 to sign their name onto this. 104 00:05:04,724 --> 00:05:07,140 A code of conduct, authored by me, 105 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,808 that pledges them to a universal ethos, 106 00:05:09,891 --> 00:05:12,808 which I created, that I call, "tech ethics," 107 00:05:12,891 --> 00:05:14,641 or, "tethics" for short. 108 00:05:14,724 --> 00:05:16,808 - Oof. - Tethics. Clever. 109 00:05:16,891 --> 00:05:18,182 No. No, it isn't. 110 00:05:18,265 --> 00:05:20,140 Fuck that guy. Honestly, fuck that guy. 111 00:05:20,224 --> 00:05:21,224 Richard, I have your tea. 112 00:05:21,307 --> 00:05:22,849 No one in town is ever gonna sign 113 00:05:22,933 --> 00:05:24,182 this hypocrite's 114 00:05:24,265 --> 00:05:26,683 - hypocritical garbage. - Well, I'm sold. 115 00:05:26,766 --> 00:05:29,974 Can I sign? Well, you have to lead a corporation. 116 00:05:30,057 --> 00:05:32,808 Okay. And how about you at home? 117 00:05:32,891 --> 00:05:35,641 Are you tethical? Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay 118 00:05:35,724 --> 00:05:37,307 and let us know where you stand. 119 00:05:37,391 --> 00:05:40,349 Sure, yes, I will. Get ready for some opinions. 120 00:05:41,516 --> 00:05:42,724 Holden? 121 00:05:43,057 --> 00:05:45,766 Why is the television on the news? 122 00:05:45,849 --> 00:05:49,140 Jared, I don't need you telling me my job, okay? 123 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:50,683 Holden, um, 124 00:05:50,766 --> 00:05:53,557 I know things have been a bit antagonistic between us. 125 00:05:53,641 --> 00:05:56,224 We've been like, uh, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. 126 00:05:56,307 --> 00:05:59,683 But, I've been thinking about it, and you work for Richard, 127 00:05:59,766 --> 00:06:02,265 and I want what's best for him 128 00:06:02,349 --> 00:06:05,099 'cause I want him to be happy, so from now on... 129 00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:07,599 you're my friend. 130 00:06:08,140 --> 00:06:09,683 You're my best friend. 131 00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:11,849 Even if you make the occasional oopsie. 132 00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:13,140 Are you fucking with me? 133 00:06:13,224 --> 00:06:15,015 Why would I do that to my best friend? 134 00:06:15,099 --> 00:06:16,933 - Love you like a brother. - Uh... 135 00:06:18,808 --> 00:06:20,140 Absolutely not. 136 00:06:20,224 --> 00:06:22,265 We haven't told you what we want yet. 137 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,015 - Irrelevant. - Sit down. 138 00:06:24,099 --> 00:06:26,099 - Thank you. - I'd like to talk to you 139 00:06:26,182 --> 00:06:27,724 about your Piper-Pulse numbers. 140 00:06:27,808 --> 00:06:29,057 I'd like that, Tracy, 141 00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,140 because I have no idea what the fuck that is. 142 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,683 Of course you do. It's the system that Tracy created 143 00:06:33,766 --> 00:06:36,683 for employees to give feedback on senior management. 144 00:06:37,099 --> 00:06:38,683 The point is, I happen to know 145 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,683 a lot of folks over at AT&T, 146 00:06:40,766 --> 00:06:42,724 and I think it might help us 147 00:06:42,808 --> 00:06:45,766 if I back-channel some of the information I've gathered. 148 00:06:45,849 --> 00:06:48,391 But before I do, I'd like to tell you how you're doing. 149 00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:49,933 I know how I'm doing. 150 00:06:50,015 --> 00:06:51,641 I'm fucking killing it. 151 00:06:51,724 --> 00:06:53,224 I'm building great shit out there. 152 00:06:53,307 --> 00:06:57,307 Yes. Your acumen scores are excellent. 153 00:06:57,391 --> 00:06:59,891 On a scale of one to 10, you're at a 9.9. 154 00:06:59,974 --> 00:07:02,432 So, all 10's and... 155 00:07:02,516 --> 00:07:04,015 - Dinesh. - But, it's your 156 00:07:04,099 --> 00:07:07,057 interpersonal rating I'd like to drill down on. 157 00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:08,557 It's at 1.5. 158 00:07:08,641 --> 00:07:11,140 Your coworkers find you unapproachable, 159 00:07:11,224 --> 00:07:12,516 rude, 160 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:15,182 and capable of great hurt 161 00:07:15,265 --> 00:07:17,140 with an unsettling stare. 162 00:07:18,474 --> 00:07:19,933 Okay. 163 00:07:20,015 --> 00:07:22,432 We want AT&T to see a thriving company. 164 00:07:22,516 --> 00:07:24,599 If you really make a concerted effort 165 00:07:24,683 --> 00:07:26,599 at outreach and team building, 166 00:07:26,683 --> 00:07:28,849 you could get your numbers up. Tracy. 167 00:07:28,933 --> 00:07:31,933 I appreciate you wanting to participate 168 00:07:32,015 --> 00:07:33,265 in the world of numbers. 169 00:07:33,349 --> 00:07:35,432 I find it endearing. 170 00:07:35,516 --> 00:07:36,766 But yours are horseshit. 171 00:07:36,849 --> 00:07:39,099 They measure nothing. If I wanted to, 172 00:07:39,182 --> 00:07:41,474 I could have all 10's by the end of the week. 173 00:07:41,766 --> 00:07:43,891 Gilfoyle, metrics like Piper-Pulse 174 00:07:43,974 --> 00:07:45,307 are a widely accepted measure 175 00:07:45,391 --> 00:07:46,766 of how your peers feel about you. 176 00:07:46,849 --> 00:07:50,015 Speaking of, Monica, your interpersonal is at a 2. 177 00:07:50,099 --> 00:07:51,474 - What? - Huh. 178 00:07:51,557 --> 00:07:54,307 No, that's just because Priyanka and her little... 179 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:57,307 witch's nest over at Foxhole are bringing my numbers down. 180 00:07:57,391 --> 00:07:59,099 No. Most of your lower scores 181 00:07:59,182 --> 00:08:02,349 are coming from engineers, who are 84% male. 182 00:08:02,557 --> 00:08:04,808 Maybe you should try some of that outreach. 183 00:08:04,891 --> 00:08:08,140 Whatever I do, I'm sure I could do it better than you. 184 00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:09,933 Two days. 185 00:08:10,015 --> 00:08:11,683 All 10's. 186 00:08:12,474 --> 00:08:13,599 Deal. 187 00:08:13,683 --> 00:08:16,391 Aloha. Aloha to you. 188 00:08:17,057 --> 00:08:19,224 Aloha. Alo... 189 00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:22,391 - Oh, hey, Dinesh. - What the fuck. 190 00:08:22,641 --> 00:08:23,766 I like your beard. 191 00:08:23,849 --> 00:08:25,683 Um, why are you here? Where's AJ? 192 00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,683 Oh, AJ can't come. You wanted him 193 00:08:27,766 --> 00:08:29,974 to become a certified scuba before the trip, right? 194 00:08:30,057 --> 00:08:31,599 Yeah, so we could... 195 00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:33,140 fucking scuba, Gabe. 196 00:08:33,224 --> 00:08:34,974 Well, he finished all his check dives last night, 197 00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:37,307 but you have to wait 24 hours before you fly, 198 00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:39,683 so we decided to trade places. 199 00:08:39,766 --> 00:08:41,432 - For the day? - Uh, no. 200 00:08:41,516 --> 00:08:43,265 F-for-for all of it. 201 00:08:44,599 --> 00:08:46,265 - Why? - Because it... 202 00:08:46,349 --> 00:08:48,516 - it-it'd be easier? - No. 203 00:08:48,599 --> 00:08:50,683 And what are you doing in first class? 204 00:08:50,766 --> 00:08:53,182 So, the pilot is from Pakistan. 205 00:08:53,265 --> 00:08:56,349 I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan. I work with him." 206 00:08:56,432 --> 00:08:57,766 And then he said, "Hey, why don't you 207 00:08:57,849 --> 00:09:01,391 come to the front and sit in the big chairs." 208 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,641 B-but that's me. I'm the guy from Pakistan. 209 00:09:03,724 --> 00:09:06,391 I told him that, and then he... and then he put me here. 210 00:09:06,474 --> 00:09:09,140 Okay, but I, the guy from Pakistan... 211 00:09:09,224 --> 00:09:11,182 - Right. - am back in economy. 212 00:09:11,265 --> 00:09:13,933 Sir? You're gonna need to take your seat. 213 00:09:14,015 --> 00:09:15,808 And Captain Bashir wanted you to have 214 00:09:15,891 --> 00:09:17,265 these samosas his mother made. 215 00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:19,140 Oh. No, thank you. 216 00:09:26,557 --> 00:09:28,724 You gotta be fucking kidding me. 217 00:09:28,808 --> 00:09:30,766 Hey, Danny? Excuse me? 218 00:09:31,474 --> 00:09:33,015 - What are you wearing? - A shirt. 219 00:09:34,766 --> 00:09:37,808 - Oh my God. - I think a lot of what Gavin is saying makes sense. 220 00:09:37,891 --> 00:09:40,391 Yeah, of course it does. I've been saying it for years. 221 00:09:40,474 --> 00:09:43,391 - So, you agree with him? - Well, no. He is full of shit. 222 00:09:43,474 --> 00:09:46,724 But, you aren't, even though you're saying the same things? 223 00:09:46,808 --> 00:09:48,849 Yeah, because I mean it! And I said it first! 224 00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:50,391 That feels petty and personal, 225 00:09:50,474 --> 00:09:52,808 which is against Gavin's code of tethics. 226 00:09:52,891 --> 00:09:54,391 - What does that even mean? - Hey, Richard, 227 00:09:54,474 --> 00:09:56,724 - are you signing Gavin's pledge? - Ah, what? 228 00:09:56,808 --> 00:09:58,391 Because I'm getting a lot of heat from my friends 229 00:09:58,474 --> 00:10:00,933 over at Facebook for working at an untethical company. 230 00:10:01,015 --> 00:10:04,057 Okay, cool. So, Facebook is calling us untethical. 231 00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:05,557 Yeah, because they signed the pledge. 232 00:10:05,641 --> 00:10:07,265 So did Google and Amazon and Twitter. 233 00:10:07,349 --> 00:10:08,766 - Don't care. - Speaking of, 234 00:10:08,849 --> 00:10:09,974 even if you don't sign, 235 00:10:10,057 --> 00:10:11,766 could you at least stop tweeting about it? 236 00:10:11,849 --> 00:10:15,432 "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass"? 237 00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:17,891 - That doesn't even make sense. - Yes, it does. 238 00:10:17,974 --> 00:10:19,599 It's dumbass but with thumb. 239 00:10:19,683 --> 00:10:22,224 Thumbass. It's basically perfect. 240 00:10:22,307 --> 00:10:25,140 Tethics is tech ethics. What's the thumb part? 241 00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:27,599 And why are you tweeting that from your personal account? 242 00:10:27,683 --> 00:10:29,808 The Verge referred to you as "notable tethics holdout 243 00:10:29,891 --> 00:10:32,265 and amateur insult comedian Richard Hendricks." 244 00:10:32,349 --> 00:10:34,599 Andy Borowitz wrote a pointed piece about you 245 00:10:34,683 --> 00:10:38,057 - called "Doubting Richard." - Ah, see? That doesn't really make any sense. 246 00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:40,015 I mean, what's the pun? What am I supposed to be enjoying there? 247 00:10:40,099 --> 00:10:41,724 - Now, you're harshing on Borowitz? - Well yeah, 248 00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,391 if he's coming up with those zingers. 249 00:10:43,474 --> 00:10:45,182 If you like Andy Borowitz so much, why don't you marry him? 250 00:10:45,265 --> 00:10:47,599 Says the guy who's three months behind in child support. 251 00:10:47,683 --> 00:10:48,974 A dog is not a child! 252 00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:50,349 - Uh... - Michael Eisenberg 253 00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,516 from AT&T is on the phone. 254 00:10:51,599 --> 00:10:53,891 - He says it's urgent. - Ah, great. 255 00:10:54,557 --> 00:10:56,015 Hey, Michael, what's up? 256 00:10:56,099 --> 00:10:59,766 - Did you just publicly insult my boss? - What? No. 257 00:10:59,849 --> 00:11:01,641 "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass." 258 00:11:01,724 --> 00:11:04,182 Well, my boss just signed Gavin Belson's pledge. 259 00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:05,474 - He did? Why? - Because 260 00:11:05,557 --> 00:11:07,391 loudmouths like you got up in front of Congress 261 00:11:07,474 --> 00:11:09,766 and whined about how somebody needed to do something about big tech. 262 00:11:09,849 --> 00:11:11,474 Okay, I did that one time... 263 00:11:11,557 --> 00:11:12,974 And now, Gavin has managed 264 00:11:13,057 --> 00:11:14,432 to paint himself as that guy. 265 00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:17,015 And we all have to fall in line, or we'll be in PR hell. 266 00:11:17,099 --> 00:11:19,808 Or worse! We'll face government regulation. 267 00:11:19,891 --> 00:11:22,057 Look, have you read his pledge? 268 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,516 No, of course not. It's trash. 269 00:11:23,599 --> 00:11:26,015 The first line says, "We, the undersigned, 270 00:11:26,099 --> 00:11:29,099 promise to make best efforts to," blah, blah, blah. 271 00:11:29,182 --> 00:11:31,474 Best efforts, Richard. It's totally toothless. 272 00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:33,516 Yes. Exactly, Michael. That's entirely my point. 273 00:11:33,599 --> 00:11:35,849 It's all empty bullshit. It means nothing. 274 00:11:35,933 --> 00:11:37,683 Then who the fuck cares, Richard? 275 00:11:37,766 --> 00:11:40,516 Do not fuck this all up over a pointless moral stand! 276 00:11:40,599 --> 00:11:42,015 Okay. Sign the fucking pledge! 277 00:11:42,099 --> 00:11:44,182 Oh, and stop tweeting about thumbs up people's asses. 278 00:11:44,265 --> 00:11:46,599 Oh. No, th-that's wordplay. 279 00:11:46,683 --> 00:11:47,849 Michael? 280 00:11:50,683 --> 00:11:53,349 That is one lucky mug, Holden, my friend. 281 00:11:53,432 --> 00:11:55,224 - Please stop. - Stop what? 282 00:11:55,307 --> 00:11:58,015 - You're just trying to creep me out so that I'll quit. - What? 283 00:11:58,099 --> 00:12:01,099 I mean, why wouldn't somebody be nice to you? 284 00:12:02,099 --> 00:12:03,849 Are you a piece of shit? 285 00:12:09,057 --> 00:12:11,766 - Oh hey, Dinesh. - Okay, listen, Gabe. 286 00:12:11,849 --> 00:12:13,683 I spent the entire flight streamlining 287 00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,099 our setup procedure, so I am gonna take 288 00:12:16,182 --> 00:12:18,182 the rental convertible and drive tower to tower, 289 00:12:18,265 --> 00:12:22,182 most of which are on pristine beaches or scenic volcanoes 290 00:12:22,265 --> 00:12:26,140 to check coverage while you sit at the office by yourself. 291 00:12:26,224 --> 00:12:28,224 - Welcome... - Oh! No! No! I get it. 292 00:12:28,307 --> 00:12:31,307 - Put it on me. I-I don't want the plastic one. - Are you one of the first cla... 293 00:12:31,391 --> 00:12:33,641 Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it... 294 00:12:33,974 --> 00:12:34,766 Aloha. 295 00:12:37,099 --> 00:12:39,808 Richard. To what do I owe the pleasure? 296 00:12:39,891 --> 00:12:42,599 Just calling to, you know. 297 00:12:42,683 --> 00:12:44,432 To what, Richard? 298 00:12:44,516 --> 00:12:47,641 Sign your thing. My thing? To sign my thing? 299 00:12:47,724 --> 00:12:51,766 I sense a certain lack of commitment, Richard. 300 00:12:51,849 --> 00:12:53,683 I mean, if I suspected the only reason 301 00:12:53,766 --> 00:12:55,432 you wanted to lend your name to my cause 302 00:12:55,516 --> 00:12:58,599 was because of the enormous pressure you're probably facing 303 00:12:58,683 --> 00:13:00,891 as a notable holdout, well, 304 00:13:00,974 --> 00:13:02,432 how could I allow you 305 00:13:02,516 --> 00:13:05,057 to add your name to my tethics pledge? 306 00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:07,307 That would be... untethical. 307 00:13:07,391 --> 00:13:10,599 Gavin, come on. Just... can we get this over with? 308 00:13:10,683 --> 00:13:11,766 Then again, the idea of you 309 00:13:11,849 --> 00:13:13,140 publicly committing to the cause, 310 00:13:13,224 --> 00:13:15,432 that gives me joy. 311 00:13:15,516 --> 00:13:19,182 So yes, Richard, I'd be happy to be your moral mentor. 312 00:13:19,516 --> 00:13:21,474 I guess I'll see you at the ceremony. 313 00:13:21,557 --> 00:13:23,599 - What ceremony? - The groundbreaking 314 00:13:23,683 --> 00:13:26,641 - for the Institute. - What fucking institute? 315 00:13:26,724 --> 00:13:30,015 The Belson Institute of Tethics. It's all on our website. 316 00:13:30,099 --> 00:13:32,182 You and the others will all be there 317 00:13:32,265 --> 00:13:34,432 to publicly commit to the pledge. 318 00:13:34,516 --> 00:13:36,849 Also, I'm gonna be asking you to say a few words. 319 00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:39,974 Just a bit about how much of a fan you are, 320 00:13:40,057 --> 00:13:43,516 dedicated to the cause, my cause, maybe lead with a joke. 321 00:13:43,599 --> 00:13:45,474 Be good to have you there, Richard. 322 00:13:45,849 --> 00:13:48,599 Securing my legacy with you at my wing. 323 00:13:49,516 --> 00:13:51,724 Wear pants you can kneel in. 324 00:13:53,683 --> 00:13:54,724 Hey, Nathan! 325 00:13:54,808 --> 00:13:58,391 I was, uh, perusing your file, and I just... 326 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:02,557 Hey. 327 00:14:03,683 --> 00:14:05,516 - What? - Sorry. I just, um, 328 00:14:05,599 --> 00:14:07,557 I was quickly perusing your file... 329 00:14:07,641 --> 00:14:09,224 That's not what peruse means. 330 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:12,766 Peruse means to read thoroughly and carefully. 331 00:14:13,265 --> 00:14:16,683 Wow. That... that's... super helpful. 332 00:14:16,766 --> 00:14:19,599 Thank you for that tip. 333 00:14:19,683 --> 00:14:21,683 Um, anyway, yeah, 334 00:14:21,766 --> 00:14:24,933 I was just curious to know, like, what's it like... 335 00:14:25,015 --> 00:14:26,432 growing up in Rhode Island? 336 00:14:26,974 --> 00:14:30,182 Well, maybe some time when you're working on something, 337 00:14:30,265 --> 00:14:32,516 I can come interrupt your flow 338 00:14:32,599 --> 00:14:36,474 and use words incorrectly to tell you about it. 339 00:14:39,557 --> 00:14:41,140 Got it. 340 00:14:42,933 --> 00:14:45,099 Oh, you own a Prius? 341 00:14:45,182 --> 00:14:48,099 Popular choice. Later, Daniel. 342 00:14:48,557 --> 00:14:49,766 What? 343 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,808 Well, you win. 344 00:14:53,891 --> 00:14:57,349 That is the worst case of contact dermatitis 345 00:14:57,432 --> 00:14:58,599 I have ever seen. 346 00:14:58,683 --> 00:15:00,808 - The itching is so insane! - Right. 347 00:15:00,891 --> 00:15:02,391 - It's like from the inside! - Warren! 348 00:15:02,474 --> 00:15:04,224 Come here, I want you to see something. This is Warren, 349 00:15:04,307 --> 00:15:06,891 our resident. This is his first week. 350 00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:08,557 Warren, I want you to notice 351 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,391 the violent allergic reaction 352 00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:13,933 to the plumeria flowers used in the patient's lei, 353 00:15:14,015 --> 00:15:15,140 which is weird. 354 00:15:15,224 --> 00:15:17,015 Normally, they just hand out plastic ones. 355 00:15:17,099 --> 00:15:18,140 Just make it stop! 356 00:15:18,224 --> 00:15:19,891 Well, the good news is a strong 357 00:15:19,974 --> 00:15:22,891 anti-histamine shot oughta take care of it in no time. 358 00:15:22,974 --> 00:15:26,474 Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot! Just-just gimme the shot! 359 00:15:26,557 --> 00:15:29,516 Now, before we proceed, I should warn you the shot, 360 00:15:29,599 --> 00:15:31,057 it works like gangbusters, 361 00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:32,766 but it does tend to cause 362 00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:35,224 acute sensitivity to sunlight, 363 00:15:35,307 --> 00:15:36,974 so you're gonna wanna stay indoors 364 00:15:37,057 --> 00:15:39,808 - for four to six weeks. - What?! 365 00:15:39,891 --> 00:15:41,516 Warren, no! 366 00:15:42,933 --> 00:15:46,057 We wait until after I've explained 367 00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:48,683 all the possible complications, 368 00:15:48,766 --> 00:15:50,557 and only then, 369 00:15:50,641 --> 00:15:52,516 do we administer the injection. 370 00:15:52,599 --> 00:15:54,724 - Did you say four to six weeks? - Yep. 371 00:15:54,808 --> 00:15:58,182 Otherwise, you're gonna be back here for something a lot worse. 372 00:15:59,015 --> 00:16:00,683 All right, well... 373 00:16:01,307 --> 00:16:03,599 that was a teachable moment, huh? 374 00:16:03,683 --> 00:16:04,933 - Yeah. Sure. - Yeah. 375 00:16:08,849 --> 00:16:11,599 I got next. And, uh, better watch out 376 00:16:11,683 --> 00:16:14,099 'cause I am the queen of Asteroids. 377 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,974 - Are you trying to cut in line? - You don't need a quarter. 378 00:16:17,057 --> 00:16:18,766 It's on free play, duh. 379 00:16:18,849 --> 00:16:21,557 We get it. You make more money than us. 380 00:16:23,057 --> 00:16:24,724 Okay, you know what? 381 00:16:28,224 --> 00:16:30,015 - Gilfoyle, you're awesome. - Carl. 382 00:16:30,891 --> 00:16:32,349 You're doin' it. 383 00:16:35,224 --> 00:16:36,641 What the fuck? 384 00:16:36,724 --> 00:16:38,683 My man. 385 00:16:39,974 --> 00:16:41,641 "Integrity. We do the right thing. 386 00:16:41,724 --> 00:16:44,599 - We are committed to the highest ethical standards." - It's all such 387 00:16:44,683 --> 00:16:48,182 banal, self-righteous, hacky bullshit. 388 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:49,683 - And I have to endorse it? - Yeah. 389 00:16:49,766 --> 00:16:53,307 It is particularly pedestrian pablum, even for Gavin. 390 00:16:53,391 --> 00:16:55,015 "Responsibility. We contribute 391 00:16:55,099 --> 00:16:57,015 to the growth, joy, and enrichment 392 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,057 of all the lives we touch. 393 00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:00,974 - Courage..." - Wait, uh, 394 00:17:01,057 --> 00:17:02,724 - what was that last one? - Responsibility? 395 00:17:02,808 --> 00:17:04,683 Uh, "We contribute to the growth, 396 00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:07,265 joy, and enrichment of all the lives we touch." 397 00:17:08,974 --> 00:17:10,099 Holden! 398 00:17:10,724 --> 00:17:13,224 Can you bring the menu book in here, please? 399 00:17:13,557 --> 00:17:14,766 Hi, guy! 400 00:17:15,808 --> 00:17:17,516 - Here you go. - Thanks. 401 00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:20,391 Yes. You are a good boy. 402 00:17:21,683 --> 00:17:23,265 Are you hungry? 403 00:17:23,349 --> 00:17:26,099 I am. Holden. 404 00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:28,265 Holden. 405 00:17:28,557 --> 00:17:29,557 Holden. 406 00:17:30,432 --> 00:17:31,724 Holden... 407 00:17:31,808 --> 00:17:33,724 Ah, good. Applebee's. We were... 408 00:17:33,808 --> 00:17:35,224 ordering from here the other night, 409 00:17:35,307 --> 00:17:38,516 and we were all joking about this, uh... Yes, look. 410 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,474 Uh, so, their mission statement 411 00:17:40,557 --> 00:17:43,432 is right near their nachos, and we were saying 412 00:17:43,516 --> 00:17:45,891 that this is not-cho mission statement. 413 00:17:45,974 --> 00:17:48,391 Wait, I'm sorry. 414 00:17:48,474 --> 00:17:50,015 Was that a joke? 415 00:17:50,683 --> 00:17:52,557 That. It's... it's a pun. 416 00:17:52,641 --> 00:17:54,849 - Right. - It's just like thumbass, you know. 417 00:17:54,933 --> 00:17:56,349 It's in the same genre. 418 00:17:56,683 --> 00:17:59,766 - Like what? - Thumbass? I've been saying it a lot. 419 00:18:01,349 --> 00:18:03,140 Read it, read it. 420 00:18:03,974 --> 00:18:05,516 "At Applebee's, our mission is to contribute 421 00:18:05,599 --> 00:18:07,057 to the growth, joy... 422 00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:10,683 and enrichment of all the lives we touch." Wait... 423 00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:13,724 That's word for word what's in Gavin's pledge. 424 00:18:13,808 --> 00:18:15,057 Yes, it is. 425 00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:17,057 - You don't think... - That's exactly what I think. 426 00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,641 Read me another one of Gavin's frilly sentences. 427 00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:23,849 "Maintaining our uncompromising principles while we grow." 428 00:18:25,683 --> 00:18:28,057 That's Starbucks. 429 00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:29,557 Okay, again. 430 00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:32,891 "Enhance the quality of life for all ages." 431 00:18:33,849 --> 00:18:35,599 - That's the AARP. - Yes! 432 00:18:35,683 --> 00:18:38,099 My best friend Gloria was a charter member for 35 years 433 00:18:38,182 --> 00:18:40,265 - before she passed. - The question is... 434 00:18:40,849 --> 00:18:42,933 if Gavin stole his entire code of conduct 435 00:18:43,015 --> 00:18:45,933 for this stupid fucking foundation, 436 00:18:46,015 --> 00:18:48,641 what else has he been stealing? 437 00:18:49,933 --> 00:18:51,432 All right, I give up. 438 00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:54,307 Even this stupid hair didn't work. 439 00:18:54,391 --> 00:18:56,891 How are you getting these people to like you? 440 00:18:56,974 --> 00:18:59,432 I'm not getting anyone to like me. 441 00:18:59,516 --> 00:19:00,808 Bullshit. I've seen you out there. 442 00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:04,307 It's like you have a non-evil twin. It's very weird. 443 00:19:04,391 --> 00:19:06,140 Monica... 444 00:19:06,224 --> 00:19:09,432 gaining someone's confidence is easy. 445 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:11,974 Appear open and interested 446 00:19:12,057 --> 00:19:13,683 by mimicking their body language 447 00:19:13,766 --> 00:19:16,015 and repeating what they say back to them. 448 00:19:16,099 --> 00:19:18,808 So, you just repeat what they say? 449 00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:21,057 I just repeat what they say. 450 00:19:21,140 --> 00:19:23,182 I was social engineering them. 451 00:19:24,057 --> 00:19:26,140 Once trust is established, 452 00:19:26,224 --> 00:19:29,057 the social engineer simply offers up information, 453 00:19:29,140 --> 00:19:32,641 and the subject Pets names, 454 00:19:32,724 --> 00:19:34,683 kids names, birthdays. 455 00:19:34,766 --> 00:19:36,808 Then, that information is entered 456 00:19:36,891 --> 00:19:38,933 into a word list generator. 457 00:19:39,015 --> 00:19:42,265 Pop it with their hash into John The Ripper, 458 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,474 and within minutes, 459 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,224 you have their passwords. 460 00:19:45,474 --> 00:19:48,015 So, you're just gonna change all your scores to 10's? 461 00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,641 Yep. 462 00:19:50,766 --> 00:19:52,099 Can you do mine, too? 463 00:19:52,432 --> 00:19:55,015 I don't actually want them to like me. 464 00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:57,808 I hate them. I really fucking hate them. 465 00:19:57,891 --> 00:20:00,099 I just don't like having 2's. 466 00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:02,724 You know, 467 00:20:02,808 --> 00:20:05,724 I could raise both of our scores 468 00:20:05,808 --> 00:20:08,808 and continue this charade. Or... 469 00:20:08,891 --> 00:20:11,432 I could lower someone else's, 470 00:20:11,808 --> 00:20:15,599 and put an end to these shenanigans once and for all. 471 00:20:15,683 --> 00:20:17,099 I like it. 472 00:20:22,557 --> 00:20:23,683 Thank you. 473 00:20:23,766 --> 00:20:25,516 It's quite an event, eh? 474 00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:29,265 See down there? It's Facebook, Google, 475 00:20:29,599 --> 00:20:31,224 even fucking Bezos sent someone. 476 00:20:31,307 --> 00:20:34,057 All here to support the cause. My cause. 477 00:20:35,724 --> 00:20:37,641 - You know who else showed up? - Mm. 478 00:20:38,265 --> 00:20:39,849 Starbucks. 479 00:20:40,766 --> 00:20:41,974 Very good company. 480 00:20:42,057 --> 00:20:44,808 Filled with smart people with bold ideas. 481 00:20:45,265 --> 00:20:46,766 - I suppose. - Also, 482 00:20:47,432 --> 00:20:49,516 Anusol Plus. 483 00:20:50,224 --> 00:20:51,808 Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin? 484 00:20:51,891 --> 00:20:53,599 Not currently. 485 00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,474 Made by Johnson & Johnson, also a good company. 486 00:20:56,557 --> 00:20:57,766 Do you know what they do? 487 00:20:57,849 --> 00:21:00,391 They spark solutions 488 00:21:00,474 --> 00:21:03,140 that create a better, healthier world. 489 00:21:03,224 --> 00:21:04,683 Just like you. 490 00:21:04,766 --> 00:21:05,933 You remember writing that? 491 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,140 I'm a busy man, Richard. 492 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:08,891 I've lived an incredible life. 493 00:21:08,974 --> 00:21:10,933 I saw a yeti one time, 494 00:21:11,015 --> 00:21:13,391 and forgot for a couple years. 495 00:21:13,474 --> 00:21:14,766 Well, 496 00:21:14,849 --> 00:21:16,933 I ran your little pledge 497 00:21:17,015 --> 00:21:19,516 through a plagiarism detection API. 498 00:21:20,307 --> 00:21:21,599 What are you implying, Richard? 499 00:21:21,683 --> 00:21:24,140 Well, I also looked at transcripts of 500 00:21:24,224 --> 00:21:25,974 your interviews and speeches. 501 00:21:26,182 --> 00:21:29,933 Your commencement speech at Liberty University. Stolen, 502 00:21:30,182 --> 00:21:32,974 from an obscure Afghan philosopher. 503 00:21:33,182 --> 00:21:35,432 And also, do you see 504 00:21:35,516 --> 00:21:37,015 that guy right there? 505 00:21:37,557 --> 00:21:39,599 That is Rod Morgenstern, 506 00:21:39,683 --> 00:21:41,474 the author of "The Nautilus of Dreams," 507 00:21:41,557 --> 00:21:44,224 the eBook you blatantly plagiarized and turned into 508 00:21:44,307 --> 00:21:46,432 "Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses." 509 00:21:46,516 --> 00:21:48,265 Do you know how much harder my life has been 510 00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,683 - because I cared about ethics? - Tethics. 511 00:21:50,766 --> 00:21:52,641 I could've lost my company a dozen different times 512 00:21:52,724 --> 00:21:54,683 because I couldn't compromise 513 00:21:54,766 --> 00:21:56,933 - on my ethics, and now you're turning ethics... - Tethics. 514 00:21:57,015 --> 00:21:59,015 - Tethics. - ...into some kind of fucking vanity project. 515 00:21:59,099 --> 00:22:01,307 - Tethics, Richard. Tethics. - Stop it. 516 00:22:01,391 --> 00:22:02,974 Something I came up with on my own. 517 00:22:03,057 --> 00:22:05,724 Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb. 518 00:22:07,641 --> 00:22:08,933 What do you want? 519 00:22:09,391 --> 00:22:11,265 Ever since I turned down your $10 million, 520 00:22:11,349 --> 00:22:14,849 all I ever wanted was for you to just go away. 521 00:22:14,933 --> 00:22:16,683 But, you and Hooli have tried 522 00:22:16,766 --> 00:22:18,724 to fuck me over a thousand different ways. 523 00:22:18,808 --> 00:22:20,808 You're a billionaire. You can do anything you want. 524 00:22:20,891 --> 00:22:24,349 You can run for president or buy a fuckin' basketball team, 525 00:22:24,432 --> 00:22:26,599 but you can't do this. 526 00:22:27,224 --> 00:22:28,683 And I'm gonna make sure of it. 527 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:31,474 So, if you'll excuse me, I have to... 528 00:22:32,224 --> 00:22:33,641 look over my speech. 529 00:22:41,307 --> 00:22:42,224 Hey! 530 00:22:42,307 --> 00:22:44,349 So, you guys raised some issues 531 00:22:44,432 --> 00:22:46,974 with Piper-Pulse, so I really started looking into it, 532 00:22:47,057 --> 00:22:48,474 and it turns out, there are some... 533 00:22:48,557 --> 00:22:51,849 real problems with its reliability as a metric. So, 534 00:22:51,933 --> 00:22:53,015 I'm shutting it down. 535 00:22:53,099 --> 00:22:54,307 - Aw. - Hm. 536 00:22:54,391 --> 00:22:56,474 But the scores are derived from our coworkers, 537 00:22:56,557 --> 00:22:59,599 the most reliable indicator of job performance. 538 00:22:59,683 --> 00:23:01,432 Yeah, maybe we could help. You know, 539 00:23:01,516 --> 00:23:03,599 - I'm sure if we took a look under the hood... - No! 540 00:23:04,015 --> 00:23:06,265 Bad system. Didn't work. 541 00:23:06,349 --> 00:23:07,724 Thank you. 542 00:23:25,474 --> 00:23:27,307 Oh, I guess I'm up. 543 00:23:27,391 --> 00:23:29,724 Thank you. 544 00:23:29,808 --> 00:23:32,224 Thank you, Elder Red Spirit, 545 00:23:32,307 --> 00:23:34,933 for those profound... 546 00:23:35,015 --> 00:23:36,224 sentiments. 547 00:23:36,307 --> 00:23:37,808 I'm sorry. 548 00:23:39,265 --> 00:23:40,599 I, uh... 549 00:23:40,683 --> 00:23:42,307 I can't do this. 550 00:23:43,224 --> 00:23:44,641 As humbling as it is 551 00:23:44,724 --> 00:23:47,516 to have all of you sitting here, paying tribute to me, 552 00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:49,808 I have to be honest. 553 00:23:51,349 --> 00:23:53,391 I have been anything but ethical. 554 00:23:54,015 --> 00:23:57,265 In truth, I am a plagiarist, and a liar, 555 00:23:57,349 --> 00:24:00,557 and a thief. Ironically, the very... 556 00:24:01,891 --> 00:24:04,891 code of virtue I've asked you all to abide by was, 557 00:24:04,974 --> 00:24:07,182 in itself, stolen. 558 00:24:07,683 --> 00:24:09,474 And perhaps, some day, 559 00:24:09,557 --> 00:24:11,265 someone may 560 00:24:11,349 --> 00:24:13,557 erect a foundation the likes of this. 561 00:24:14,641 --> 00:24:17,474 But it will not be, and should not, 562 00:24:17,557 --> 00:24:18,724 be me. 563 00:24:20,307 --> 00:24:22,974 And in the interest of being truly honest, 564 00:24:23,057 --> 00:24:24,724 this is not new behavior. 565 00:24:24,808 --> 00:24:27,516 I have, for years and years, 566 00:24:27,599 --> 00:24:31,015 practiced a parasitic and cynical brand of 567 00:24:31,099 --> 00:24:34,599 predatory capitalism that leaves nothing to be admired. 568 00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:37,599 Ethics? Not a priority. 569 00:24:37,683 --> 00:24:39,808 In fact, my behavior 570 00:24:39,891 --> 00:24:41,724 may have bordered on criminal. 571 00:24:41,808 --> 00:24:44,808 And to those I have wronged by this, 572 00:24:44,891 --> 00:24:46,224 I apologize. 573 00:24:46,307 --> 00:24:48,766 But apologies are cheap, aren't they? 574 00:24:48,849 --> 00:24:50,557 There must be a reckoning. 575 00:24:50,891 --> 00:24:52,557 Which is why today, 576 00:24:52,641 --> 00:24:54,974 here in this public forum, 577 00:24:55,057 --> 00:24:57,641 I call for the attorney general 578 00:24:57,724 --> 00:24:59,349 of the state of California to launch 579 00:24:59,432 --> 00:25:01,057 an immediate investigation 580 00:25:01,140 --> 00:25:04,182 of my conduct as CEO of Hooli... 581 00:25:05,224 --> 00:25:07,766 leaving no stone unturned. 582 00:25:08,099 --> 00:25:10,349 The truth must finally be revealed. 583 00:25:11,224 --> 00:25:12,849 I apologize 584 00:25:12,933 --> 00:25:15,265 for putting you all through this, especially... 585 00:25:15,516 --> 00:25:18,766 those of you who actually lead lives of... 586 00:25:19,140 --> 00:25:21,265 real virtue. 587 00:25:26,766 --> 00:25:28,474 Hey, Gavin. 588 00:25:28,557 --> 00:25:30,599 I know that wasn't easy. 589 00:25:30,683 --> 00:25:32,182 Sure about that? 590 00:25:32,641 --> 00:25:35,432 Should've taken the $10 million, Richard. 591 00:25:36,140 --> 00:25:39,724 Enjoy the injunction, thumbass. 592 00:25:41,974 --> 00:25:43,099 What? 593 00:25:43,933 --> 00:25:45,432 Okay, Donny. Yeah, you, too, 594 00:25:45,516 --> 00:25:47,391 and I appreciate it, by the way. 595 00:25:47,474 --> 00:25:49,766 All right, I'll catch you on the flip side. 596 00:25:50,432 --> 00:25:54,099 Okay, so, this is real. 597 00:25:54,182 --> 00:25:57,391 The AG just told me they're launching an investigation 598 00:25:57,474 --> 00:26:01,057 into Gavin's price fixing and anti-competitive behavior 599 00:26:01,140 --> 00:26:02,808 while he was at Hooli, 600 00:26:02,891 --> 00:26:04,766 and Gavin called it. So, obviously, 601 00:26:04,849 --> 00:26:07,224 the first move is to file an injunction against 602 00:26:07,307 --> 00:26:11,349 any further merging between Hooli and Pied Piper. 603 00:26:11,766 --> 00:26:13,516 Okay. W-what does injunction mean? 604 00:26:13,599 --> 00:26:15,391 - What does that mean? - It means 605 00:26:15,474 --> 00:26:18,599 until this investigation concludes, 606 00:26:18,683 --> 00:26:21,599 you are prohibited from mixing any more 607 00:26:21,683 --> 00:26:24,182 Hooli chocolate with the Pied Piper peanut butter. 608 00:26:24,265 --> 00:26:28,140 Well, we're in the middle of merging our codebases. 609 00:26:28,224 --> 00:26:30,891 - Yeah, unmerge them. - Well, that's impossible. 610 00:26:30,974 --> 00:26:34,474 I mean, Christ, we're using HooliPhones in our Hawaii test. 611 00:26:35,224 --> 00:26:37,557 So, by calling for an investigation 612 00:26:37,641 --> 00:26:40,849 into his own behaviors, he can kill us? 613 00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:43,099 Fuckin' Gavin Belson. 614 00:26:43,182 --> 00:26:46,057 Fuckin' Gavin Belson. 615 00:26:48,015 --> 00:26:49,891 Is this fun? I'm sorry. Are-are you admiring him? 616 00:26:49,974 --> 00:26:52,933 You gotta separate the artist from the art, 617 00:26:53,015 --> 00:26:54,224 Rico. I mean, this is... 618 00:26:54,307 --> 00:26:56,933 elegant, you know? This is, this is graceful. 619 00:26:57,015 --> 00:26:59,140 This is kinda like, uh... 620 00:26:59,224 --> 00:27:01,307 What's the, uh, what's the name of that... 621 00:27:01,391 --> 00:27:03,724 - ballerina dude? - Baryshnikov. 622 00:27:03,808 --> 00:27:05,015 - No. - Nureyev? 623 00:27:05,099 --> 00:27:08,432 - No... - Does it fucking matter, Ron? Who cares? 624 00:27:08,516 --> 00:27:10,516 We're paralyzed! We're gonna be broke! 625 00:27:10,599 --> 00:27:12,724 Shit, yeah. And, 626 00:27:12,808 --> 00:27:15,224 now Gavin's gonna be able to buy Pied Piper 627 00:27:15,307 --> 00:27:16,974 for pennies on the dollar. 628 00:27:17,057 --> 00:27:20,015 He is under investigation, right? 629 00:27:20,099 --> 00:27:22,891 So, something bad can happen to him. 630 00:27:23,015 --> 00:27:25,015 Worst case, they find he acted in bad faith, 631 00:27:25,099 --> 00:27:28,391 and then Hooli's gotta pay a big fine or something. 632 00:27:29,349 --> 00:27:30,933 But you own Hooli, so... 633 00:27:31,015 --> 00:27:33,557 you'd have to pay that fine. 634 00:27:33,641 --> 00:27:35,391 Fucking ninja! 635 00:27:38,349 --> 00:27:39,474 We're dead. 636 00:27:39,557 --> 00:27:41,724 Gregory Hines! 637 00:27:42,349 --> 00:27:44,766 Dancer guy. He's an American treasure. 638 00:27:47,557 --> 00:27:49,724 Richard Hendricks! 639 00:27:51,933 --> 00:27:54,057 What's up? 640 00:27:56,057 --> 00:27:58,015 Right? Right? 641 00:27:58,099 --> 00:28:00,182 Read it. Get it? 642 00:28:00,265 --> 00:28:03,641 - Now say it. - Look, Russ, I don't really have time for you right now. 643 00:28:03,724 --> 00:28:06,349 Or your festival, if that's why you're here. 644 00:28:06,432 --> 00:28:07,891 The Attorney General of California 645 00:28:07,974 --> 00:28:09,557 just signed our fuckin' death warrant. 646 00:28:09,641 --> 00:28:11,516 Yeah, I heard Belson gaped your asshole today 647 00:28:11,599 --> 00:28:13,015 - and not in that fun way. - Cool. 648 00:28:13,099 --> 00:28:14,766 Great. Well, 649 00:28:14,849 --> 00:28:16,516 I've gotta go inside and tell everyone, so... 650 00:28:16,599 --> 00:28:18,432 No, you don't, you lucky fuck. 651 00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,474 Lucky fucky. Richard, 652 00:28:22,557 --> 00:28:24,349 Don Delarenta, the AG of California, 653 00:28:24,432 --> 00:28:26,057 is gonna do whatever the fuck I tell him to do. 654 00:28:26,140 --> 00:28:28,808 - Why? - 'Cause I have dirt on him. 655 00:28:28,891 --> 00:28:31,015 Two years ago, he had an open-and-shut case 656 00:28:31,099 --> 00:28:33,641 against a guy who committed terrible crimes, 657 00:28:33,724 --> 00:28:34,974 but he didn't prosecute him 658 00:28:35,057 --> 00:28:36,849 'cause that guy bribed him and I can prove it. 659 00:28:36,933 --> 00:28:38,849 You think the fuckin' AG is gonna wanna let the public see 660 00:28:38,933 --> 00:28:41,224 that he didn't prosecute a guy who did this? 661 00:28:41,307 --> 00:28:43,599 - Oh, my God! Holy fuck! - Or this? 662 00:28:43,683 --> 00:28:45,849 - Or this? Jesus, look at that. - Fuck me! 663 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:47,391 Hold on, wait... Is that you? 664 00:28:47,474 --> 00:28:50,057 Yeah. So is this. This. Here's portrait mode. 665 00:28:50,140 --> 00:28:52,391 - There's a panoramic in here somewhere. - I get it, Russ. 666 00:28:52,474 --> 00:28:54,849 Are you the one that committed the terrible crimes? 667 00:28:54,933 --> 00:28:56,724 Yeah. And that dirtbag 668 00:28:56,808 --> 00:28:59,933 let me off because I contributed half a mil to his campaign. 669 00:29:00,015 --> 00:29:01,474 Now I had told him I'd delete the photos, 670 00:29:01,557 --> 00:29:04,432 but what that moron didn't count on is that I'd forget. 671 00:29:04,516 --> 00:29:06,808 So, Richard. Question. 672 00:29:07,140 --> 00:29:08,641 Should I make the call? 673 00:29:09,182 --> 00:29:10,516 You ready to dump Hawaii, 674 00:29:10,599 --> 00:29:12,182 and join RussFest? 675 00:29:14,307 --> 00:29:16,224 Ah? Ah? Ah? 676 00:29:16,307 --> 00:29:17,974 You're not really giving me much of a choice. 677 00:29:18,057 --> 00:29:19,140 Ah! 678 00:29:20,349 --> 00:29:22,140 Don Delarenta, please. 679 00:29:22,432 --> 00:29:24,599 Tell him it's Russ Hanneman. 680 00:29:24,683 --> 00:29:26,015 He'll know. 681 00:29:27,808 --> 00:29:30,557 Uh, hey, Dinesh? 682 00:29:30,641 --> 00:29:33,224 Oh hey, Dinesh. 683 00:29:36,974 --> 00:29:38,641 Hey, Richard, what's up? 684 00:29:39,683 --> 00:29:42,099 You want me to come home? Like, 685 00:29:42,182 --> 00:29:43,849 leave Hawaii? 686 00:29:43,933 --> 00:29:46,307 No! 687 00:29:46,891 --> 00:29:48,265 Wait, for what? 688 00:29:48,349 --> 00:29:51,516 So, bitches, what do you think? 689 00:29:56,683 --> 00:29:58,224 It's beautiful. 690 00:29:58,307 --> 00:29:59,891 Tres Commas! 691 00:29:59,974 --> 00:30:01,432 Boom! 692 00:31:14,766 --> 00:31:16,724 Hey, Gilfoyle. So, I've been thinking about your AI 693 00:31:16,808 --> 00:31:17,933 and its many deficits... 694 00:31:18,015 --> 00:31:20,015 Your issue may be insecurity, 695 00:31:20,099 --> 00:31:23,474 masked by false bravado and unisex cologne. 696 00:31:23,849 --> 00:31:25,265 It's not unisex. 697 00:31:28,974 --> 00:31:30,432 Richard! Russ Fest! 698 00:31:30,766 --> 00:31:33,849 You told AT&T that the hologram would be interactive, right? 699 00:31:34,265 --> 00:31:35,057 Yes. 700 00:31:35,140 --> 00:31:36,015 See, asshole?! 701 00:31:36,349 --> 00:31:39,224 My hologram can 100 percent dry hump festival goers 702 00:31:39,307 --> 00:31:40,099 from behind. 703 00:31:40,307 --> 00:31:42,307 If they ask for it. Hashtag-woke. 704 00:31:43,307 --> 00:31:45,099 Well, the purchasing seems stable. 705 00:31:45,182 --> 00:31:46,307 Everything is amazing. 706 00:31:46,808 --> 00:31:48,099 What's it doing? 707 00:31:48,182 --> 00:31:49,140 Everything was fine, 708 00:31:49,391 --> 00:31:51,224 and then the network started deteriorating. 709 00:31:51,974 --> 00:31:53,974 Also, his trailer was filled with ants. 710 00:31:58,140 --> 00:31:59,182 What did we do? 711 00:31:59,391 --> 00:32:00,474 Am I going to jail? 712 00:32:01,099 --> 00:32:03,099 Hey. I can train you.