- * MTV *
- Don't you enjoy how confident your SPANX
make you feel in the office?
Aren't they the best?
- [sighs] Yes.
- Giving you a hug under your clothes
that would be too tight if they weren't holding
all your mistakes and poor choices together?
- Sure do.
- But what about when you get home?
- Oh, well, that's the best part.
[sighs] [chuckles]
I can finally breathe. [chuckles]
- Sure, you can!
Your tubby torso is free at last,
thank God Almighty.
Like this, right?
[pops] - Oh.
- Gross! Is that what you think your man wants to see?
Just because you're home, doesn't mean it's okay for you
to be a fat fatty.
But don't make plans to die alone just yet.
I'm here to save your lard ass yet again
with Home SPANX, the SPANX you wear at home!
Just because you're in the comfort of your own home,
doesn't mean you should stop hating yourself.
Home SPANX, SPANX for home.
- They just look like SPANX but with a picture--
- With a picture of a home on 'em.
That's right, Einstein-- so you know to wear them
in the safety of your own fat home.
[jolly music]
- Wow, so skinny. God.
Yeah, now you look only 20 pounds overweight.
I'm hard as a rock.
Thanks a lot, Home SPANX.
- You're welcome, under-five boyfriend.
- Me? - Shh.
[eerie hip-hop beat]
* *
- I hear you. I just didn't think
it was a good movie. Like, I thought the acting
was terrible, and it just wasn't very funny,
you know.
[jazz music]
- [farts] - Yeah, I don't know.
Wait, hold on. Can I call you back?
* *
What?
Excuse me.
- Yep? - Hi, um, what is this?
- What's what?
- It says "Fart Park."
- Oh, yeah. It's part of this city-wide initiative.
You know, judgment-free zones
where people can go fart.
It's outside, COVID-friendly. It's pretty great.
- [farts] - So that's what's going on
in there, everybody's just farting?
- I mean, hopefully. But,
we've seen some accidents. - [farts]
- Huh.
[all farting]
* *
- 'Scuse me! - Sorry.
* *
- Close the gate, please!
- First time at Fart Park? - [chuckles] Yeah,
is it that obvious?
- That's just Harry, one of our regulars.
He's annoying, but he's harmless.
- [farts] - All fart and no bite
as we like to say around here.
[both laugh]
I'm Josh, by the way.
- Amy.
Hi. - Hi.
[farts] Oh. - Uh--
- Sorry. - Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I'll leave you to it.
- Okay. [chuckles]
[romantic music]
- Farting is such sweet sorrow.
- [laughs]
* *
[farts]
[jazz music]
- Yeah, I just felt this connection
you wouldn't believe, just as soon as we shook hands.
Josh.
Yeah, he just seemed so sweet.
I'll let you know if I see him again today.
Can I call you back?
Oh, my God. What happened?
- There was a murder at Fart Park.
[suspenseful jazz music]
* *
- [farts]
- Josh...
Oh...
[crying] I would know that fart anywhere.
- He was such a kind man.
- That's the guy! - This dude?
- No. No, no, no!
He should've closed the gate!
How many times could I ask?
He should've closed the gate! He should've closed the gate!
- Josh!
[somber jazz music]
But as I watched the now lifeless body being loaded
into the back of that cold, soulless coroner's van,
I knew that Josh would have become my husband.
I just knew. I could feel it in my bones.
And though the thought of living the rest of my life
without Josh completely broke my heart.
I knew he would forever hold a place in the depths
of my fart.
[applause]
* *
The two words "fart park" occurred to me.
Like, I don't know what this idea is,
but I knew that the name was gonna be Fart Park.
- Right away, I remember thinking like,
"There should be a murder at Fart Park,"
just super-dramatic.
Thought that would be funny.
- And then I had a moment where I was like,
"I don't know if it should be a murder."
Like, I don't think we need a murder at Fart Park,
and everybody was like, "You're an idiot, Amy.
There has to be a murder at Fart Park."
- We've got really good actors--
people that, you know,
went to Yale and studied very hard,
and then they're gonna have on their résumé--
"Fart Park."
[eerie hip-hop beat]
- Now that he's gotten used to seeing you
in Home SPANX all the time,
are you tired of your boyfriend being disappointed
by your blubberous, naked body during sex?
Well, be tired no more, and free his willy!
Here comes Sex SPANX!
- Are these affiliated with SPANX?
- No, don't touch me, pig.
[romantic music]
* *
- Oh, yeah, you look acceptable.
- [laughs] - You mind if I still turn down
the lights so it's basically fully dark?
- Always. - Mm.
- And we didn't stop there. There's actually no occasion
when anybody should have to experience your real,
vile tank of a body.
That's why we've also made...
Shower SPANX! - [screams]
- Put these on!
[upbeat music]
* *
[hip-hop beat]
- Oh, hi.
[chuckles] I'm Amy.
[muffled] You need to put on the headphones--
[clearly] so you can hear what I'm saying.
- Headphones? - Yeah, but can you hear me?
- Yeah, do I sit here? - Yeah, take a seat there.
- Oh, my gosh. Is this a studi--
this is a studio. - It sure is, Amy S.
I'm a little starstruck, off the record.
You're my favorite. I thought you should've won.
- Oh, that's so nice.
No, but I'm--you know, there's only one rose.
I'm glad things went the way they were supposed to,
you know? I feel like I was myself
the whole time.
- Totally. Yeah. - You know?
And so I'm really proud of how it went.
But--and I'm so happy for Colby.
- Yeah, totally. So today, pretty easy really.
Not too hard, what we have to do today.
We just have to rerecord some of the things you said
on the show.
Sometimes the mics don't pick things up great,
and we just have to get 'em again.
Yeah, it shouldn't be too hard.
The lines are right there.
- These are my lines here? - Yeah, that's right.
- Okay. - Those are the lines we need
to pick back up. - Okay.
- Yeah, you see 'em? - Oh, I wish I had a script
on the show. Maybe I would've won.
[laughs] - Hey, look, you were great.
Colby's loss, that's what I say.
- Aw, thank you for saying that.
And I'm so excited to watch the episodes with my family
and my grandma is coming. She's 100.
She's gonna be 100. - Great, really cool.
Okay, so you're gonna hear three beeps
and a lesser signal to say the line, okay?
- Okay, three beeps, right? Okay, got it.
- First up-- well, it sounds like you said
"I'm so nervous my pits are sweating."
- Oh, God. [chuckles] That's so embarrassing.
I said that? Ugh. - Okay, so three beeps.
After the beeps. - Okay.
[beeping]
I'm so nervous my pits are...sweating.
Oh, sorry. I messed that up.
- Don't worry. That's fine. That's fine.
We can work around it.
We can--we can work around it. - Really?
Okay. - Totally fine.
You're a natural. You got this.
You're doing great. Okay, next line.
[pages rustling] - Um...
Oh. I-I have to say this?
- Yup, yup. So just wait for the beeps.
Here they come. [beeping]
- I can't believe this garbage whore thinks
she can talk to Colby again.
I just started talking to Colby.
What a dumb garbage whore.
Okay, "garbage whore" isn't gonna make me very popular.
Is there any way we could just cut that out?
- We're-we're picture locked, I'm afraid.
So, yeah, we have to match it exactly.
Let's keep rolling. Let's keep going, Amy.
You're doing great. [beeping]
- I hope she gets COVID. The long kind.
I might have COVID. I'm not feeling that well.
I'm gonna make sure to breathe on her a lot
at the cocktail party so she gets it.
Hopefully she's not vaxxed and she goes home and dies.
Okay, is there any way we can just cut that out?
I-I-I'm really not feeling too proud of that moment.
- No, as I said,
we-we are picture locked now, so--
- I didn't know that people were necessarily recording
or--was that definitely me saying it?
'Cause I know microphones can pick up on other people
and it can--
people can kind of throw their voices.
- No, this line in particular you were pretty--
like, you said, "Can I go in the confessional booth now?
I've got something to get off my chest."
So you actually kind of initiated--
- It's me saying it?
- Definitely you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the next--the next line after the beeps.
- [sighs] Oh, God.
Oh, okay.
This one isn't bad. [chuckles]
Phew! - [chuckles]
- Okay. [beeping]
I'm so excited for my one-on-one with Colby.
[pages rustling] I think I'm gonna suck him off
behind the candle display in the hallway.
Let's see Kaitlin S. do that.
Come on, I-I-- did I definitely say that?
I-I really--I-I've--
I don't think I've ever said those words in my life.
- Oh, hundo percento.
- Just, I'm not that kind of person, you know?
I'm a--I'm a teacher.
- Yeah, that's why this is so great,
'cause, like, imagine your teacher
saying these things on TV.
These kids are gonna go nuts.
Their parents are gonna go crazy.
You're gonna be famous.
Or infamous. I can't remember
which one is, like, the negative one.
But people are gonna know your name, Amy S.
- Okay. Next line.
- Okay, next line. [beeping]
You know the Jews are trying to replace us, right?
I-I really-- I don't feel great about this.
- Actually, sorry Amy, could you do those again?
'Cause when you said them on the show,
like, you were really hammered.
So could you, like, kind of slur the speech?
And maybe add like a little kind of, like, dr--
'cause you were drooling on the show
when you said these things.
So if you could add kind of, like, a drool-y
kind of wet sound. [beeping]
- [slurring] You know the Jews are trying
to replace us, right?
You know what? I think I might have to take off.
I-I think I should call, like, a lawyer.
- Don't worry, that's actually the last line.
- Oh, okay. - You did great.
Now we just need to get some wild crying sounds.
You just--a bunch of... both: Crying noises.
- Okay. - Yeah, yeah.
'Cause you did that a lot.
You did a lot of crying. - Fuck.
- This is when you were in the limo.
Do you remember? And you were going home
earlier than you thought you would be.
And you're just kind of sobbing and sad and pathetic.
- [whimpers]
- Very good. Great. And so can we pick it up
to kind of, like, scream-crying?
So this is when Kaitlin R. borrows Colby for a sec.
- Yes. I hated when she did that.
That was totally uncool
because she'd already spent time with him.
- Yeah, you were really upset about that.
- So mad, yeah.
[sobbing]
- Yeah, nice.
Yeah, okay, but we really need it sloppy, though, Amy, like--
Yeah, that's it. Ugly.
That's right. So sadness and rage.
Yeah, all over your face. Yeah, great.
Bit of horniness and, like, regret.
- Oh, okay. - Yeah, that one was good.
Okay, we're gonna keep going.
And now this is when you started vomiting
while you were scream-crying.
- [retches, sobs] - Beautiful.
Be vomiting, crying, screaming,
a little bit of farting. - [mimics fart noise]
- You started farting a little bit.
Farting, crying, screaming.
You're so sad. You're so pathetic.
- [sobs] I really--
- Beautiful. Bit more farts.
Couple of farts. Oh, Amy.
That was--that was amazing.
I'm in the presence of greatness.
That was perfect. Your friends, your family,
the millions of people who watch "The Bachelor,"
they're gonna be blown away.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think--I think you're gonna be real happy
with this, Amy. - Okay.
Thank-thank you. That's it?
- No, thank you. That's you--
that's you done. You're done.
- Cut.
[chuckles] - Yeah. Great.
Thanks, Amy. You're a star.
You should have won.
- Okay.
Are you single?
- I--I'm asexual, actually.
- Okay. - Thank you, though.
- You know the Jews are trying to replace us, right?
[sighs]
Reality dating shows are bad for women.
They're bad for men.
And I will watch them all until I die.
[hip-hop music]
[ominous music]
- That thing is still out there.
- Governor Babbit, what do we do?
- I guess one of us is gonna have to go out there
and try and stop it.
- Babbit's the one who didn't fix the electrical grid.
So now the power's going out.
- [bangs desk] I told you I had that trip to Mexico
planned months ago. - Boys, we don't settle
disputes by yelling.
This is Texas.
We draw guns.
[thumping] - [sighs]
- No matter what happens out there,
we'll defend this room like it's the Alamo.
[dramatic music]
* *
[thunder booms]
* *
[toilet flushing]
- No!
[grunts] [urine splashing]
Oh, my God.
[door slams]
- This is the girls room.
Fuckin' Texas.
- We wanted to do a horror movie scene.
And I think we figured out
what scares Texas politicians more than anything.
- The runners up were hurricanes, power outages,
uh, and the border.
[hip-hop music]
- Anyway, here it is.
This is your brand new office.
- What? [chuckles] - Yeah.
- This is mine?
Oh, my God. - Yep.
- Is that a plant? - Uh, no.
Or, actually, yeah, I guess-guess it is.
Look at that, huh?
[chuckles] - Yeah.
I don't know why I smelled it. - Not bad, right?
- It's amazing. I really love it.
Thank you so much, Mr. Riley.
- Oh, just call me Boss.
- [chuckles weakly] - And no thanks necessary.
You earned it. Anyway, have a seat.
Make yourself at home. Get comfy.
- Okay. I really wanted to.
[chuckles] Oh, my gosh. - Take it for a test drive.
[phone rings] - [chuckles]
- Uh, so a few things to go over.
We're gonna get you a keycard.
There's a private bathroom just for the execs.
Uh, mini fridge gets stocked every...
- Hello? - Monday.
And then every now and then a little bit of poison leaks
into this office.
- What? - Um, what else?
Oh, Clara's setting you up with an assistant.
Uh, if you have a preference on race, just let her know.
- I'm sorry, I just-- it sounded like you said
that this office leaks a little bit of poison?
- Uh, yeah, just a few times a day.
Just, you know, a little bit.
- Like-- [sighs] Poison, poison?
- Yeah, it's an aerosol poison.
It comes right out of the vents.
- Um-- Is that a problem?
- I mean, you know, no.
If it--if the other partners--
if it leaks in everybody's office,
then I'll go down with the ship.
[chuckles] - Well, it doesn't.
Yeah, it's just this office.
- So it's not good for me?
- Look, Amy, I'm sensing a little hesitation.
Why don't you talk to me, child.
What's up? Are you feeling a little bit overwhelmed?
You're the first female partner we've had here, right?
Is that a little bit of pressure?
You gonna start bleeding on that chair?
- No, I don't even get my period
for another ten days so-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
TMI-ay-ay!
Ew, boy - Sorry.
Okay. - Eww, boy!
- Okay. I won't talk about that anymore
if you don't. I do just want to kind of
circle back to this poison thing.
- Amy, um, yeah, I gotta tell ya,
I'm proud that we made you a partner.
I really feel like a move like that
can really just pull us into the 20th century.
- Yeah, me too. I'm just--
I am kind of wondering, though,
you know, if maybe we could turn the poison off
if it's just from right here?
Like, maybe we can cover it up or something?
- No, 'cause that gets rid of the ventilation.
Then everyone gets COVID.
So the answer to that is no.
See the couch?
You haven't even said anything about it yet.
What do you think of this design?
Not bad, right?
I had them cover it with newspaper
so you don't have to worry
about your monthly drippy drips.
- I'm sorry, I-I don't mean to be annoying, but the--
regarding the poison--
- What is the obsession with the poison?
There was a sign on the front door.
It said "Do not enter. Bad poison. Will die."
I un-taped that for you.
- It said "Will die"?
- You know what, Amy? I'm sorry but it just feels
like you're being very ungrateful right now.
I went to bat for you.
I said, "Hey, fellas, it seems like a tampon company
should have at least one woman on the board."
I did that. For you.
And now this.
[sighs]
All right, I guess this is not good enough.
- No, no, no, no. - I guess my design...
- No, no, no. - That I laid out is
just no good. - No. No, it is.
It's good. It's good. It's good.
- You know what? I think they were right.
Maybe you should never mentor a woman.
Or a person of color.
Or all the different types of gays.
- No. No, no, no.
I disrespected you.
I did. And I am so sorry for that.
You have to forgive me.
I think I'm probably ovulating.
And that is probably why I'm so emotional.
- That's what I was gonna say. - Yeah.
- But I didn't know what the word was.
- No, it's--there's-- yeah, just women, you know...
[sighs] A week before, ten days before their eggs drop--
- That's the period? - No. It's--
- Are there eggs? - That's the lining
of your uterus. That's--it drops out of your--
out of your-- - But there's--
are there eggs in the blood? - No, there's eggs--[sighs]
There's eggs in your ovaries.
But I'm--I disrespected you
and I should just be saying "Thank you."
You've been so generous to me.
And let's just forget about all of this, Boss.
- All right. Well, you're welcome.
And welcome aboard.
- [chuckles] - Congratulations.
- [chuckles] [air hisses]
- Holy fuck, the poison!
- I don't even smell anything.
[sniffs] Oh, boy.
[newspapers crinkle]
[hip-hop music]
[organ playing funeral dirge]
- Golly, she looks svelte.
- Bet she's wearing Casket SPANX.
- Nope! Casket SPANX went out of business.
Don't ever say that name again. - I just meant--
- But just because Casket SPANX got sued
into oblivion, doesn't mean you couldn't be svelter.
You shouldn't have to wait for your body to decompose
to be skin and bones.
That's why we're here to help,
you Roald Dahl-looking bitch.
- Us or her?
- You, you fat piece of shit.
What if once you start to decay
you're hit with the devastating fact
that like everyone in middle school suspected,
you are big-boned?
Well, don't worry. We have your fat back...
[saw buzzing]
With Skinny Girl Coffins.
- Skinny Girl Coffins. It's so easy.
- Skinny Girl Coffins are the only way
today's deceased hotties can rest in peace...
of ass.
Skinny Girl Coffins by me, Bethenny Frankel.
Once again, Ron Weiner.
- * Never buy napkins *
* It is real, it's a thing *
* It's my thing *
* Never buy napkins *
* You can go anywhere and they're there *
* There's a lot of money you can save *
* When you look around and see the world around you *
* Everything got a price tag on it *
* But we can take napkins back *
* That would make you feel better, won't it? *
* Never buy napkins *
* It's a vibe, it's a scene *
* Cool for teens *
* Never buy napkins *
* At your dinner party you could have *
* Napkins from Chipotle *
* It will be too late inside your grave *
* So you, so you *
* So you should look around and see the world around you *
* Everything got a half-life don't it? *
* But we can take napkins back *
* That would make you feel better, won't it? *
- But as I watched the na--
[laughs]
- I just did a gravel ride.
It's a combination. It's, like, road bike frame.
It's not mountain biking, but it's off-road biking.
And I just did--it's-- you know, you're working
different muscles. So you could ride five miles
and you could be as tired as riding 50,
'cause you're doing a lot of hills.
- All right, I can act like a dumb bitch
on "The Bachelor." No problem. - [chuckles]
- Like this, right?
* *
Like this, right? - What's happening?
- I think you have to hit it-- - Fucking hell.
- I think you have to hit it on the--against the couch.
[muffled thumping]
Wait, I need to make sure you can see my vagina.
- We have to see the-- - I definitely see it.
[slurping]
- I like to put seltzer in my water bottle.
[laughter]
* *
- It's so easy.