- ♪ MTV ♪
[soft sad music]
- I have psoriasis,
and it's tough.
It leaves me struggling to do the things I love.
♪ ♪
[uplifting music]
So I talked to my doctor,
and he prescribed Flatuda.
Flatuda is clinically proven
to control moderate to severe psoriasis,
so I can get back to doing what I love.
♪ ♪
For you.
I made that. - Oh.
Oh, wow.
Thank you, hon.
- You like it?
- I love it.
- In clinical studies,
Flatuda was proven to reduce psoriasis
twice as fast as the leading medication.
You know, I've been thinking about quitting being a judge
and opening a pottery shop.
- Yeah.
- Flatuda let me get back to living my life
so I can focus on what matters.
Morning, honey. - Morning.
- [clears throat]
Did you already have your coffee today?
- Yeah.
- What did you drink it out of?
- Hmm? - What did you drink
your coffee out of?
- Oh, I, uh, I don't remember.
- Did you drink it out of this?
- Uh, yeah, I guess so.
- You guess so? Okay.
And, uh...
what about this?
- Hmm? - Were you planning
on using the mug that I made you?
- Yes, of course. - When?
- Soon. - How soon?
- Tomorrow, if not later today.
Your skin looks great.
- So lemme just see if I have this right, Michael.
You woke up this morning, came down,
made a big pot of hot coffee.
And instead of using this mug your wife made you,
which is right next to the coffee maker,
you walked all the way down
to the other side of the kitchen
and went in the cabinet to get to the mugs all the way there?
Am I following? - Yeah, I guess so.
I don't know. It was early. I'm tired.
- It was 1:30 p.m.
- Amy, I love the mug you gave me.
- What do you love about it?
- What--what do you mean?
- What do you mean, "What do I mean?"
What do you love about it?
- Mom! - Cool it, Hannah.
- Well, I love all of the little bumps
and I love that it's shiny in some parts
and then not in others.
I think that's cool.
And I like that. - [mockingly] Yeah?
You like that, Mike?
- Mom, look.
I drew a picture of our family.
Happy. - Oh, honey.
That is so good.
- I'm really not seeing it.
- What? - Looks nothing like us.
You don't even have that hat.
And we're not wearing any clothes.
That's disgusting.
It sucks. Do it again.
- Mom, you're scaring me.
- Shut the fuck up, Hannah. - Okay, look.
Having a beautiful, lovely drink
out of this wonderful mug!
- Good! - Mmm.
Wow, that's so nice... - Isn't it?
- The way it sort of hits my lip.
- I'm so glad you like it. - Feels so good
to drink out of. - Yeah! If you--
- Are you fucking happy? - Yeah, yeah!
I'm so fucking happy now!
- [screams]
- Go get my Flatuda.
♪ ♪
I'm sorry I yelled. - I'm sorry.
both: I love you so much. I love you.
- Talk to your doctor about Flatuda today.
May cause delusions about artistic ability.
[upbeat spacey music]
♪ ♪
- [indistinct]
- So this mug is the prop from that scene,
which is the most exciting prop I've ever held.
And it sort of looks like if vomit got run over by a car.
It feels awful to hold.
♪ ♪
The only thing my therapist said I'm lacking is empathy.
- Oh, well, same.
- Yeah, yeah. - Same.
- Mmm, guys, I actually love the rain.
- Mm-hmm. - It's so nice
to sometimes just be, like, inside, warm and cozy,
you know? - Oh, my God, exactly.
And can we just stop and acknowledge
how incredible it is that we're all here together,
just be here, be present, breathe, gratitude?
- Oh, did I not tell you?
I'm always really present now.
I started about six months ago, so...
- Wow. - Good for you.
- [laughs] all: Gratitude.
- Brianna, can I just say,
your skin looks amazing.
- Aww, that's because it is.
Thank you for my skin.
Thank you for my voice.
[laughs] Oh, here I go.
- Well, you give that gratitude, girl.
It feels so good, right?
- It does. - Yeah.
But really, have you changed products
or maybe a little something else?
If you know what I mean. [laughs]
I mean, I would never get anything done,
but, you know, like, no judgments.
- I mean, this is a safe space.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Mm-hmm, yes.
- You can tell us. - You can.
- I'm not gonna touch anything on my God-given face or body,
but you do you, girl.
- Guys, no way. Honestly, no way.
I am au naturel and filled to the brim with gratitude.
Truly. That's what you see.
It's just gratitude.
- Oh, bubbling over with nonstop,
balls-to-the-wall gratitude.
No question. Yes.
- Same. Like, gratitude.
- Yes! Yes. - Same.
- Exactly, so I got something
called the See-through Smart Laser.
It just burns off the very top layer of the dermis.
It's, like, not even a legal laser
because it's so light.
'Cause, like, I'm just gonna gracefully rock
into my old age with God's plan up there.
Like, whoever she is,
I'm sticking with it, you know?
- Same. Same.
- Honestly, same. - Literally same.
- That's why I felt so comfortable
getting these eyelash and hair extensions,
because I'm not changing Goddess' work at all.
I'm just adding to it.
Like, I love me.
I just wanted to add more of me to me, you know?
- Yes, and that is the exact reason
I got my calf implants.
Gratitude! - Grat.
- Grats. - Gratitude, gratitude,
gratitude. - Gra-tat-tat.
- And your calves look sick.
- What? - Have you been getting steps?
- [laughs] Oh, my God, no.
- Yes! - Actually, I didn't tell you?
- No. - Oh, my God. Did I tell you?
- No! - Did I tell you?
- No. - Okay, well, I've found
that for me and listening to my body
that walking wasn't right, and I can only be fully present
and fully in gratitude if I'm completely still.
- [gasps] - Which is also why
it was so easy for me
to start getting Coldform.
- Wait, that's when they blast your fat
with a big MRI-machine-looking thing,
right, until your body gets frostbitten and dies?
- Correct.
Yes, and on my pets' lives,
I would never get any work done.
- No, thank you. - But that wasn't something
that I was willing to miss.
Gratitude. - Gratitude.
Well, I would get that done too.
I mean, you look great. - Aww.
- But you know, I just feel like if I start,
I'm not gonna stop.
[laughter]
both: Same. - Samesies.
- Same, you guys. - Same.
- Same? - Same.
- Same, same, same, same.
both: Same, same, same. - Same, same, same.
- So for me, it's, you know, no work.
I'm just really grateful for the gifts I've been given.
- Like, the same. - So what I got was called
Fat Suck, Fat Blow.
It's where they take your own fat
from unwanted places,
and they stick it back in to places where it should be.
I just thought, "I am giving me back to me.
And that--that's gratitude."
- Yes, it is. - Gratitude.
- Yes, it is. - I'd be jealous
if I wasn't so grateful. - You look amazing.
- And what about you, Court? What have you been doin'?
- Yes, bitch. - Meditation?
[thunder rumbles]
[dark music]
- Well... - Courtney, it doesn't actually
sound like you're in gratitude right now.
- No, no, no. I--I am. I am.
- That's just not what it's really seeming like, Courtney.
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
- Really? - Courtney, I don't wanna pile
on, but I don't even think you're present right now.
- You guys, come on.
- Really? - You guys know I'm present.
- Really? - I'm present, you guys.
- Courtney? - I am fucking present, Amy.
Fuck you.
[low tense music]
both: Okay. - Well, good!
- Gratitude to the sky. - Gratitude!
- Good! Gratitude. - 100P grat.
- Hey, do you guys wanna go to Haiti this weekend
on my private jet and get our faces and bodies made
into Lily Collins' face and body?
- Um, yes.
- [laughing] Okay. - Yeah.
- Gratitude. - Gratitude!
both: Gratitude.
[laughs] [lightning cracks]
- Yeah, Amy wanted me in that scene,
but I told her a Black woman ain't that stupid.
[upbeat spacey music]
[bright festive music]
- Noelle Christensen is a big-city bigwig.
- And this year, profits are...
- With the career she always wanted.
But sometimes, life gets in the way.
[phone buzzing]
- [groans]
Hey, Amy.
- Hey, big shot workaholic little sis.
[laughs] We can't wait to see you this weekend
at the town's holiday festival that we do every year.
- Yeah, about that-- listen, we are so...
- Slammed at the office
because of end-of-year accounts?
- [sighs] - You tried that last year,
okay, and the year before.
Look, Noelle,
I know our hometown has never been your thing,
but it's Christmastime, and everyone's looking forward
to seeing workaholic big-city Noelle,
my little sister who's younger than me,
that's you.
Christmas, girl! It's Christmas!
[upbeat festive music]
♪ ♪
- Watch it, lady. - Hey, you big jerk.
[sweet orchestral music]
- Noelle?
- Finley?
- Last time I saw you, you were breaking up with me
at graduation to move to the big city
to become a skyscraper jockey.
- If you mean managing a Fortune 200 hedge fund,
then yes, I did.
And you sell Christmas trees?
- Is something wrong with that, Broadway?
- No, I just...
I remember you saying you wanted
to become a talented painter.
- Yeah, well.
Garlandton ain't a place where dreams come true, is it?
My dad's brother's friend got sick and we lost the farm.
- [sighs]
- Anyway, enjoy your cell phone.
[cheery festive music]
♪ ♪
- [sighs] Lil sis,
can you please peel yourself from your spreadsheets
and help me with these baking sheets?
[laughs] You used to love making
our special Christmas cookies.
Right?
Uh-oh.
This calls for--I think you need a little flour.
Uh, uh, uh.
[both grunting]
- Oh! [both laugh]
Ah!
[doorbell chimes]
Finley, come in.
♪ ♪
- I felt bad about before. - [laughs]
- And I know this place's old heater ain't so great,
so I thought I'd drop off some firewood.
Or have you been in the city too long
to remember how to get a fire going?
- [laughs] - You got an app for that,
city slicker?
- An app for what?
[laughs] Okay.
Well, okay, I'm gonna leave my workaholic
lil sis to have some privacy
with her hot capable ex from high school
that may have been the one that got away.
[laughs]
[dreamy music]
- You know, I still paint a little.
[laughs]
Mostly landscapes around Garlandton.
It's a special place if you really look at it.
- I'm beginning to see that more and more.
♪ ♪
[emotional Christmas music]
♪ ♪
- This Christmas...
- Noelle.
I thought you were heading back to your big city.
- You know, I was, but this town
is just so magical, especially during the holidays.
- Hallmark presents...
- It makes me remember what really matters.
- Like all lives. - You know, I'm not sure
why I ever lef--
I'm sorry. What did you say?
- All lives matter.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
- Lock her up, lock her up.
Christmas!
[dramatic musical sting] - And that's why I left.
All right, I'm out.
- But my artwork.
- I'm good.
- "The Last Noelle."
- It's Trump!
- You left... - He's the best.
- For a reason.
- Christmas!
- I had to take so many showers after shooting this,
and I've played a lot of pieces of shit
on this show over the years.
[upbeat spacey music]
[mellow guitar music] - Colorado.
Come for the fresh air,
the perfect mountains' majesty,
a magical night under a magical sky.
Whatever kind of experience you're looking for,
you can find it here in Colorado.
But we're more than just beautiful wilderness.
We also have bustling town centers
and access to all the services you may need.
Mmm, all as legal
as a fresh mug of hot cocoa is refreshing.
- Visiting here was on our bucket list
of things to do before we die,
which honestly, I might have
if I hadn't been able to visit Colorado.
- Not that you need some big dramatic reason
to come to Colorado.
No one should have to justify a trip to Colorado.
Maybe you just wanna do with your own body
what you wanna do with your own body.
[laughs] And if that's-- come to Colorado.
That's all right by us.
- My employer actually paid for my trip to Colorado.
They covered travel and time off.
I mean, I did have to get HR involved in my personal life,
which is obviously not ideal and they didn't cover childcare
while I was out of town, but still.
I'm grateful for access to Colorado.
- Colorado is more centrally located than you think,
especially if you're coming from, say, Utah,
Arizona, Wyoming, Nebraska, or Oklahoma.
Actually, if you're coming from Missouri,
or Nebraska, or even Iowa,
don't forget, Illinois is another great option.
But we'd prefer you come see us in Colorado.
But seriously, do what you need to do, girl.
- I came to Colorado from Texas.
As a last resort, I could have gone to a city in Texas
that has a super chill DA, if you know what I mean.
But why risk it?
- So why not? Come say hi to Colorado.
There are even organizations that will help you get
to Colorado and experience Colorado
and recover from Colorado as discreetly as you please.
For more information, open your browser,
click Private Browsing, or better yet,
subscribe to an encrypted VPN internet provider
and check out these sites,
before deleting your search history,
just to be sure.
Heads-up, these offers may be for a limited time only
because holy fucking shit!
Colorado!
[upbeat spacey music]
- What? - I know.
- Okay, baby Tigers!
I am so psyched to welcome you
to the Midwest State University,
but particularly to the third floor
of Harrison House Dorm!
[cheers and applause]
Yes, as your orientation guide
and resident advisor, I'll be your go-to Tiger.
I'll help you in any way I can,
even if it's just French braiding your hair
while you cry about missing your family dog.
- Can you do a fishtail braid? - Maybe.
Did Midwest State give us a bunch of free swag
to give out?
Grab a bag, y'all!
Let's see. We've got some Tigers T-shirts,
a water bottle for definitely just water,
not diet White Claw, wink wink.
[laughter] Your meal card,
a pre-charged portable phone charger, mace.
What else? - I'm sorry. Did you say mace?
- Is there something wrong with that?
What, are you, like, macist or something?
[laughter]
[whistle trills]
All aboard the Don't Rape Me Train.
Let me hear you blow.
Check those bags for these, honey.
[whistles trilling]
That's the sound of a woman in trouble.
Though notice no one from the university
coming to check out that noise because the school
doesn't actually do squat. [laughs]
[gasps] Ooh, a cute lanyard for your dorm keys.
We all know how to hold our keys, right, right?
Check out my little Wolverines. Amazing.
- Is anyone else scared?
- Can you do a braid that wraps around your head
like a Victorian maid?
- Maybe no more braid questions?
Oh, okay. Ooh! Another extra phone charger.
Keep your fucking phone charged and the charger charged.
I am not kidding.
You need to make sure you have evidence.
- Of what? - Here's a brochure
for our women's services,
where the only thing they actually do
is make you take a pregnancy test.
- Inside the brochure is just a coupon
for one free karate lesson?
- [laughs] I love karate.
Hi-ya. Like Miss Piggy. Girlboss.
[laughter] Which reminds me,
we all know the importance of a safeword, right? Yeah?
At Midwest State University, the safeword is "Go, Tigers."
Let me hear you say it. all: Go, Tigers!
- Anyway, that's just your starter safeword.
Feel free to change it.
Your safeword can be anything you want
as long as you realize you're not actually safe here
or at most colleges.
Gum? - I wanna go home.
- And I know that y'all know
that you're more likely to know your attacker,
so maybe just don't know anyone.
And if you do insist on dating,
I'd find someone who isn't good at sports
or connected to wealth or power or friends or parents.
- Okay, cool. What's this?
Like, a list of course recommendations?
- Oh, yeah, those are courses to avoid
because the professors are all ped--
did you gals try the gum yet?
It tastes like Gatorade, right?
- It's so good, yeah. - So good.
Yeah, it's sugar-free because your body is a temple,
but also a target.
Look, I know you're probably like,
"Why do we have to do all this?
"Why can't the school just teach guys
not to assault?"
[laughs] Sorry, sorry.
"Or hold 'em responsible when they do?"
[laughs]
[nervous laughter]
I could not get through that with a straight face.
- Oh, my God. - I'm gonna call my mom.
- Ooh, a gift certificate.
- Oh, yeah! Okay.
That is redeemable for three textbooks
at the bookstore or a bus ticket
to the closest state where abortions are legal.
- [gasps] Can you do cornrows?
[whistle trills]
- God damn it. [dramatic music]
Every woman for themselves!
♪ ♪
Check your bags!
♪ ♪
- That scene is a huge bummer.
I pitched it to Sascha, who's still in college,
so it must be an even bigger bummer to her.
- College orientation is basically just
"Welcome to college. You're about to be assaulted."
It's really dark.
[upbeat spacey music]
- I met our writer Ron Weiner
when I was on an episode of "30 Rock" he wrote
a million years ago that I was mostly cut out of.
- Yeah, Amy actually kind of got herself cut out
because she ad-libbed a lot of lines,
which got me really furious, actually.
But later on, we became friends,
and I ended up emailing her these MP3s
of these really kind of, like, dorky comedy songs
that I used to write.
- I love Ron's songs, and I wanted them
to be on our show, so here's Ron.
[birds chirping]
- ♪ McDonald's pizza, have you heard of it? ♪
♪ It really existed ♪
♪ It's real, it's real, it's real ♪
♪ It's so real ♪
Would you like fries with that pizza?
♪ It's so ♪
- I'd like the Happy Meal with pizza.
- ♪ It's so real ♪
♪ And Pac-Man cereal was killer, man ♪
♪ It really existed ♪
♪ How does that make you feel? ♪
♪ And E.T. cereal was cereal that really existed ♪
♪ C3PO's were real ♪
♪ And in Hawaii at McDonald's ♪
♪ They have Portuguese sausage ♪
♪ They also do in Guam ♪
♪ It's so real ♪
Life's amazing, all around you.
♪ It's so real ♪
Normal items, hidden secrets.
♪ It's so real ♪
- Keep alive your childish wonder.
- ♪ It's so real ♪
♪ The world is full of wondrous secrets ♪
♪ If you're looking it's the only way you know them ♪
♪ The world is full of hidden music ♪
♪ If you listen, it's the only way they show them ♪
♪ Science is magical ♪
♪ Love is everywhere ♪
♪ Kiss your alchemist at the Ren faire ♪
♪ World is wonderful, wonderful world ♪
♪ World of wonders, it's a wonderful world ♪
♪ McDonald's pizza and Pac-Man cereal ♪
♪ C3PO's ♪
- I swear, whenever we're about to roll,
my vagina itches.
- [laughs]
- I don't know what that is.
- It's chlamydia.
- Oh. I need a stretcher.
- Here we go. Cameras set? - Yep.
- And tomorrow for Friday we got everybody--
we got a drug truck for the crew.
[cheers and applause] Yeah, you're welcome.
- [shouts]
- Stop doing your Chihuahua noise.
Go to your room!
Wait, go to my room and get my Flatuda.
- Go to your mom's room.
- [shouts] - [laughs]
- It's so easy.